Original subtitles

[music playing]

[heart monitor beeping]

[music playing]

[car spinning out]

[cars crashing]

Hey, can you help me?

I need a doctor.

No, my friend, you need a lawyer.

Call me.

Hey.

[music playing]

[siren]

[beeping]

[yelling]

Good morning, boys.

Looks like you lost your patient again.

[music playing]

PATIENT: Hey!

[yelling]

[crashing]

[cat hissing]

[coughing]

Do I have to separate you two?

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

HOSPITAL PA: Dr. Howard, Dr. Fines, Dr. Howard.

Arr.

Wait your turn.

Don't you know everybody's in here waiting?

Go take a seat.

Take a seat over there.

Do you have an insurance card?

No.

Take a seat over there, and fill out these forms.

Where?

Over there.

Sir, your eyeball.

[splat sound]

Next!

Hey, that's you, buddy.

[creaking]

[thump]

[farting]

I guess that's me.

I've got this incredibly painful paper cut.

Do you have an insurance card?

Yes, I do.

[angelic sounds]

Code green!

Code green!

[alarm sounding]

[music playing]

Oh my goodness.

Nice booty.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[somber music playing]

Great, on top of everything else, the circus is in town.

Hey.

[honking]

Do I have to see all these patients by myself?

Where are my doctors?

They're at the meeting on electronic charting,

Dr. Roskin.

Didn't you get the memo?

No, there's nothing in my box.

I sent it to you by email.

Email, yes, damn computers.

Look, find the technology to page Dr. Callaby.

I need help down here.

[honking]

Dr. Callaby to the ER, stat.

Dr. Callaby to the ER, stat.

Dr. Callaby to the ER, stat.

Dr. Callaby to the ER, stat.

Oh, too bad, so sad.

Just started this round, got 17 holes to go.

Hey, how nice of you all to join me.

Dr. Murphy, you take the clown in room 5, Dr. Keefe,

you take the headache in room 7.

He's got a headache?

No, he is a headache.

Bonacasa, the mime in room 9 is all yours.

BONACASA: What's wrong with the mime?

Didn't say.

Go, go, go.

Nurse Nancy, if you'd be good enough to pry yourself away

from that screen, you should be paging Dr. Ramala to the ER,

and I want Dr. Mills down here for the FLK in room 6.

JAKE GORMAN: (ON TV) Can't pay your electric bill?

Sue your doctor.

I'm Jake Gorman, Attorney at Law and I care for you.

[kisses]

Rat bastard.

Mr. Jenkins, what seems to be the problem today?

Now, wait a minute.

I don't want some snot-nosed punk

who's not even able to shave yet telling me he's my doctor.

I want a real doctor.

And I am a real doctor, OK?

And I assure you I'm most qualified to--

Is there a problem here?

No.

No problem.

You're damn right there's a problem.

I've been waiting for two hours to be seen by a real doctor.

You know, one with hair on his peepee?

And I know my rights, I'm going to call my lawyer.

I'm Dr. Roskin, R Chief of Staff.

I've been running this ER for some 25 years now.

On the peepee hair front, I boast

a rather generous thatch of botanical splendor, much of it

a well-earned gray.

May I see the chart, please.

I see that you've never been vaccinated against tetanus,

rabies, distemper, dengue fever, malaria, rockin' pneumonia,

or the boogie-woogie flu.

No, no, that's OK, doc, I don't need those shots.

Well, medically, I'm sure you're right.

But the lawyer you said you would be calling

would find me negligent if I didn't give them to you.

So, Nurse Helga, please, if you would assist

the young Dr. Keefe, thank you.

Yes, doctor.

[music playing]

[slap]

[screaming]

[baby crying] - Dr. Murphy.

Yeah.

There's a patient here who insists on being seen by you.

OK, thanks.

Oh!

Thank you very much.

Dr. Murphy?

Yes?

Damn glad to meet you.

Oh, this is from Jake Gorman's office, you've been served.

Have a nice day, doc.

Damn, that's the third malpractice suit

today, you punk.

I don't think that hip is broken at all.

Let's try standing, there.

Yes, good, OK, we'll walk a little.

I quit!

Dr. Murphy. [cracking]

[crying]

I try to help these upstanding citizens, how do they repay me?

By suing me every chance they get.

I'm finished.

Now, Bradley, please, don't leave me now.

I'm begging you, I've got wall-to-wall patients here.

They're going to have to get better on their own, Richard.

I'm finished, I'm done.

Finito, gone, hasta la bye-bye, game over.

[video game sound] See this?

Uh-huh.

[explosion]

Now if you will excuse me, I have a clown to kill.

That's it!

I need an administrator.

Get Buttkiss down here now.

Mr. Abrams, I'm Gene Buttkiss.

I'm the Chief Administrator here at North Mercy.

Your health is very important to you, isn't it, sir?

It sure is.

And what would you say it would be worth to you

for my staff to nurse you back to health?

You can't put a price on health.

- Try. - A million dollars.

Oh, a million dollar, oh, I like that.

[laughing]

And how much are you actually going to pay us?

Well, I have no money, I have no insurance.

Oh, no money, oh, oh, I see.

So for a million dollars worth of service,

you're going to pay us the grand total of-- oh, I don't know.

For argument's sake, let's just use

a ballpark figure of nothing!

Zip, nada, goose egg!

You are out of here!

[yelling]

[crashing]

I don't know about you, but I feel better.

[whistling]

Buttkiss.

Oh, Dr. Roskin, what can I do for you?

Murphy quit, I need more doctors.

More doctors, right, sure, I'll just

pull a few more out of my ear.

I mean it.

I don't care where they come from, I need more docs.

All right, Richard, I'll call corporate headquarters.

But until then, I've got some medical advice for you.

Don't hold your breath.

[music playing]

Thanks for calling RIP, sorry to keep you on hold

for so long.

How can I help--

hello?

Hello?

Make it quick.

Yes, sorry to bother you, sir.

Bothering me is your job, Buttkiss,

and you do it very well.

I see.

Well, you tell Dr. Roskin that he'll have his new doctor,

first thing tomorrow morning.

BUTTKISS: Thank you, sir.

Um, right.

OK, good.

Thank you.

Board members, shareholders, and executives,

it is my honor to serve as president of RIP Health Care.

As many of you know, I was the owner

of the bionics and medical devices division for years.

What many of you don't know, however, is that I

was born without a heart.

There's no heartbeat.

This baby has no heart.

[crying]

I was rushed to the neonatal intensive care unit,

and there received the first ever fully-automated internal

combustion artificial heart ever produced by the medical devices

division of RIP Health Care.

This baby saved my life.

And since the company saved my life,

I thought it was only my duty to save the company.

And I have.

RIP Health Care will enjoy a profit

of no less than $3 billion this fiscal quarter alone.

[applause]

But we do have a problem.

You see, each year we lose literally hundreds of millions

of dollars in medical malpractice lawsuits

brought against our doctors by sleazy, slimy, low-life,

blood-sucking, leaching lawyers.

[dramatic music]

But what can we do?

We're a hospital, we need doctors.

And doctors make mistakes.

After all, they're only human, right?

Not any more.

[dramatic music]

What if I were to tell you that we

can have a doctor that works 24 hours a day, seven days a week?

A doctor that knows everything, a doctor that can do anything.

A doctor that makes no mistakes.

You'd say I was crazy!

You'd say I was a raving lunatic, wouldn't you?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the future of medicine.

I give you medical device MD-63.

Made with the latest space-age composite materials

and microprocessors, packing 350 gigabytes of RAM

and a 2.4 liter air-cooled engine,

MD-63 can effectively, efficiently,

and inexpensively do the work of a dozen human doctors.

MD-63 will now demonstrate his ability to perform the world's

fastest physical examination.

Ah, John from the mailroom was kind enough to volunteer

to be the first patient.

OK, MD-63, begin.

[beeping and whirring]

[whirring]

[cracking]

Oh my gosh.

He's totally crushing that guy's nuts, shut him down!

I'm trying!

[screaming]

[alarm]

We give you $3 billion of research money,

and you give us a defective ball-busting bucket of bolts?

Frank, how nice of you to stand up and volunteer

to be the next patient.

Meeting adjourned.

Hurry up.

You.

Get that high-tech groin-grabbing,

crotch-crunching nut cracker fixed now.

MD-63 starts tomorrow morning at North Mercy Hospital.

Did you say North Mercy?

Did you say tomorrow?

Yes, have you got a problem with that?

No, no, it's not a problem.

Good, because he will be in that hospital tomorrow

as a doctor, or the two of you will

be in the hospital as patients.

Pasqual, stay with them, make sure they get it done.

Look at my client.

Look at the hideous scar you left across his forehead, Dr.--

Sosumi.

Doctor, I am suing you.

No, my name is Dr. Sosumi.

Hai.

Hai.

OK then, Doctor, what possible justification can you have

for leaving that horrible scar?

I had to operate to save his life.

To save his life?

What kind of life do you think my client's

going to have now, now that you butchered his skull?

My client may look like a monster.

But you, you, Doctor, are the monster.

Doctor, did you warn my client Mr. Martin

that he was going to have a horrible scar before you

ruthlessly and maliciously hacked open his skull?

No, he fall off bar stool.

He was unconscious, he was in coma.

Oh, I see.

Hey, he was unconscious, he was in a coma.

So you figured out, what the hell,

I can do whatever I wanted.

What if you wanted to have sex with him.

[gasping]

Did you, Doctor?

Did you have sex with Mr. Martin?

Did you?

Did you flip him over and do the horizontal hula on anesthesia?

[interposing voices]

[gavel pounding]

Order!

Order in the court!

No more questions, your honor.

[grunting]

The sight of this--

[retching]

Doctor, makes me sick.

Yeah, $2 million for a scar on a drunk whose life

isn't worth a nickel.

Don't worry, you'll get your usual finder's fee.

Hey, I got to go, I got some business I got to chase down.

Thanks buddy.

You're welcome, Jake.

Very welcome.

Ah!

Thank you for coming Dr. Mills.

Looks like you've found another patient for your clinic.

I'm afraid your son is cross-eyed.

Has Dr. Callaby come down yet?

What are you doing?

Charting vital signs.

And who's taking these vital signs?

The machine over there.

So you're telling this machine with that machine is doing.

Yeah, that's my job.

Well, we're the people whose job it is to take

care of the patients, see?

That's what they look like, they're

over there, those living, actual, human things

over there.

We have too many of those, not enough nurses, not

enough doctors, not enough time, and too many computers.

Are you listening to me?

No, because you're talking to a computer.

Let me guess, you're the mime.

I'll take that as a yes.

What seems to be the problem?

Your nose is running.

You have a runny nose.

Anything else?

Your throat.

Is-- sounds like saw.

Sore.

Your throat is sore.

That is really funny, a mine with a sore throat.

Here, why don't you have a lozenge,

and I'll write you a prescription.

Don't be afraid, I'm a doctor.

Go ahead.

You know it's kind of funny, when I was a kid,

I really wanted to be a mime, and I used

to do that box thing for hours.

I'd be like-- you know?

[groaning]

What, it's not that bad, you don't have to be insulting,

buddy.

[choking]

Oh my God.

Come here.

[grunting]

[funk music playing]

[popping]

[groaning]

Oh, excuse me.

[interposing voices]

Out of the way, move, watch out.

Dr. Callaby, we need you right now.

We've got a multiple trauma.

He's got a open head injury, a ruptured spleen,

and chopped liver.

His BP is 25/5.

Uh.

[grunting]

Oh, this guy's a mess, I don't have time for this today.

I've got to be on the golf course in 10 minutes.

Everyone on my count.

One, two, three.

[funeral music]

[groaning]

[yelling]

Dr. Callaby, that man is going to die unless you

get him into surgery right now.

That man is going to die no matter what I do right now.

So if it's all the same to you, I'd rather be playing golf.

Hey, you walk out, I report you to the state medical board.

Oh, and while you're at it, why don't you inform them

that I am the only doctor on staff that has never

been sued for malpractice.

If you'll Excuse me, the green is calling.

Get back here, Callaby, I'm gonna to count to three.

One, two, three--

Fore!

It's getting late.

You guys finished with this tin can yet?

Well, I adjusted his tactile sensors,

so he doesn't crush anymore--

right.

And right now, I'm scanning this month's medical journals

to update his database.

We're almost done, OK?

He'll be ready by morning.

He better be.

Damn it.

If this doesn't work, we're both dead.

Speaking of dead, I better have a talk with Lauren Mills

before we bring him up on the floor tomorrow.

What do you say we just get a last meal?

How about pizza?

Sounds good, let's go.

[whirring]

[funk music playing]

[cars crashing]

[HOSPITAL PA CALLING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey.

Rise and shine.

That includes you Mr. Mime Molester.

What?

What'd I do?

Nothing, other than the mime.

Come on, I didn't do the mime.

In my country, it is strictly forbidden to have

sexual relations with mimes.

Bearded ladies, yes.

But mimes, never.

What country are you from?

I'm from Akmannycaca.

We are listed first in the UN phone book.

Did you hear me?

Come on, we've got a backlog from last night.

Look at this, we have 38--

37 patients to see.

He was in my parking spot.

We've been through this, Jason.

I know we talked about this.

I just want to be sure you understand.

I just-- I want you to be prepared.

I know you were in love my brother, but this isn't him.

It's created in his image, but it's a machine.

It isn't human.

He isn't Ro-- it isn't Robert.

It was a long time ago.

I'm over it.

Then why do you still wear the watch he gave you?

I need to know the time.

Richard, I've got some great news for you.

I found you another doctor.

Oh, thank goodness.

Welcome aboard, Doctor--

I'm not the doctor.

This is your doctor.

Hello Dr. Roskin, I'm medical device model number MD-63.

I'm your new mechanized, computerized physician

replacement.

[laughing]

This is a good joke.

A hidden camera around here somewhere?

I'll just let you two get acquainted.

That's funny, it is.

It's no joke, Doctor.

I'm Jason Dockery, MD-63's chief technician.

I'm here to get you acquainted with his features.

Features?

I asked Buttkiss for a doctor with a pulse.

I don't need an overgrown coffee maker.

Coffee?

Would you like it black or with cream and sugar?

Buttkiss!

Maybe he wanted tea.

Buttkiss!

You promised me a doctor.

You've given me a vending machine with a stethoscope.

So, you've met MD-63.

I hear he's a very expensive, highly-specialized device.

I don't need a device, I need a living, breathing doctor.

Well, forget it.

Look around, Richard.

Lawsuits, malpractice rates, decreasing

reimbursements-- all the breathing doctors are quitting.

Just give it a chance, maybe you'll learn something

from this robot doctor.

And I need another nurse.

One made of flesh would be nice!

Half caf triple grande, three sugars, soy no-whip mocha.

Me too.

Come on, Dr. Coffee, we're late for rounds.

Back straight, stomach out a tiny bit.

Your feet down.

From right in the middle.

Gentlemen, let us begin.

Allow me to introduce the newest addition to our staff.

This is what corporate now refers to as a physician.

Wait a minute, you have got to be kidding.

Is he a--

Yes yes, right down to his CPU.

Doctor Keefe, your presentation.

Speaking of PU, Mrs. Flaherty is a morbidly

obese, flatulent, malodorous--

All right, OK, we get the point.

She's fat and smelly.

Mrs. Flaherty is a 52-year-old woman who is

suffering from abdominal pain.

Let me take a look.

Mrs. Flaherty, does it hurt when I do this?

Ow!

[farting]

Does it hurt when I do this?

Ow!

Mrs. Flaherty, when was the last time you ate?

About 10 minutes ago.

Ah!

And what did you eat?

I had a rack of lamb, side of beef,

four fried chickens, and some Chinese.

Some Chinese food, or some Chinese people?

Doctors, it appears that Mrs. Flaherty has

an old-fashioned stomachache.

[farting]

If we're all in agreement, let's get her some antacid

and get her out of here.

I disagree.

Oh, the toaster speaks.

This woman has acute appendicitis.

I've seen her naked.

Trust me, she doesn't have a cute anything.

She needs surgery now.

OK, I am not going to stand here and justify myself

to some motorized mannequin.

I am chief of surgery, and I say she's out of here.

She's out of here.

If you do not open her up, I will.

[laughing]

You couldn't open a can of beans, tin man.

Well, actually--

[whirring]

Fine.

Go right ahead.

But who's going to help you?

MD-63 doesn't need any help.

He shifts automatically between anaesthesiologist,

surgeon, and scrub nurse mode.

[whirring and grinding]

[popping]

One red hot appendix, doctor.

[whirring]

What is he doing now?

Since MD-63 is programmed to perform the duties of 58

medical sub-specialties, he can diagnose and treat

any patient all on his own.

[music playing]

Mama.

What the hell did you do to her?

MD-63: An appendectomy.

I also took the liberty of performing

liposuction, tummy tuck, face lift, and breast augmentation.

Thank you, Doctor.

Beginner's luck.

Ma'am we're going to have to repeat that exam.

Yeah right, buddy.

He was my creation, you know.

I created him.

Just because they've installed in you

all of the finest, latest medical technology,

that doesn't make you a real doctor.

Bonacasa, will you show it around?

Yes, sir.

Don't worry about him, he's still trying to figure

out how to use his cell phone.

I hit it, I hit it.

There you are, sweetie.

You need to stay in the clinic, OK?

I hope he didn't hurt--

you.

Dr. Mills, this is MD-63.

Have you met before?

No, it's just he reminds me of someone I used to know.

Perhaps it's one of my prototypes.

I've been told a very striking resemblance to MD models

48, 57, and 59 through 61.

The nurses are all talking about you.

They call you Robodoc.

You can call me Lauren.

I run the children's clinic.

You're a pediatrician.

With a sub-specialization in cross-eyed children.

We hope to cure them one day.

Dr. Von Schmekel in Germany has done some wonderful research,

but until they find a cure, I teach them to function

in a straight-eyed world.

Oh!

[groaning]

Ooh, yeah, well, it looks like you're doing a bang-up job.

Cute kid.

If you'll excuse us, I'm got to show

RoboDoc around the hospital.

It was nice meeting you.

I hit the ball!

I hit the ball!

Yes you did, Joey.

Yes, you did.

[groaning]

I think I see the problem.

Is RoboCrock qualified to handle psychiatric patients?

Psychiatry isn't in his automated menu,

however, I can put him in that mode

manually with this psychiatry memory stick.

[whirring]

[beeping]

[cuckoo clock chiming]

Shut up, shut up.

Did they follow you here?

They, who?

They!

The CIA, FBI, KGB, NRA, AARP, NAACP!

No.

Hey, listen, doc.

You gotta help me.

The space aliens can read my mind.

They put a chip in my head, doc.

Sir, there's nothing wrong with having

a chip in your head.

[whirring]

Doc, oh no oh no!

They got you, too.

[screaming]

That certainly did not produce the intended

therapeutic effect.

Doctor, come quick, we have a patient crashing.

Let's see how you handle this one.

[music playing]

He just stopped breathing.

Perhaps he's angry at his mother.

What?

Tell me, what was your childhood like?

Oh, he's still in psychiatrist mode.

He's absolutely useless, get him out of here.

NURSE: We've lost his pulse.

DR. ROSKIN: Go ahead, call and get the crash cart.

[whirring]

No time for that.

Clear.

[beeping]

Thanks, Doc.

I feel great.

Did you say something about my mother?

[music playing]

Hi, I'm the new nurse, Fonda, Fonda Johnsons.

Guys!

Hello?

Hello?

Not to be offensive in any way,

but you seem to be so well---

put together, you're not-- you're not a robot?

Excuse me?

Are you real?

Well, most of me is.

Mr. Buttkiss said I can't start working

until I get my employment physical,

so which one of your strong and handsome young doctors

wants to do it?

Ooh!

I think I just did it in my pants.

RoboCrock, how about you performing the employment

exam on Nurse Johnsons?

Certainly, chief.

Right this way, Miss.

If you need any help, my teeth make a great panty retractor.

Charming.

[groaning]

Now all we have left is a pelvic exam.

Hop into the stirrups.

Well, it's not like you'll be the first mechanical device

in there.

But I'm warning you, I've always found

these exams rather unpleasant.

Don't worry, I will do everything possible to make

this a pleasurable experience.

[whirring]

Oh.

Oh.

[groaning]

Ah.

Ah, ah.

[groaning sounds]

I think I just did it again.

ROBODOC: Everything is fine, except

those unusual pelvic spasms.

[music playing]

Ach, no smoking.

[cars crashing]

[cow mooing]

Good morning.

I took the liberty of drawing blood, reviewing

charts, performing surgery, and discharging

most of our patients.

I also made coffee for you in the doctor's lounge.

Wow.

What time did you get in this morning?

I never left.

I don't need to sleep.

If you did all the work on our patients at night,

what are we going to do?

We are going to go on rounds.

How about a round of golf?

That's your mulligan.

Let's tee it up, boys.

Golf, what is golf?

Well, you hit a ball into a cup eighteen times.

What is the point?

I don't know.

ROBODOC: Do you like whacking balls?

Callaby, we're on medical rounds,

we don't need a surgeon.

See, Dick, I'm just here for the entertainment.

Maybe we'll even learn something from Dr. Scissorhands, huh?

Dr. Bonacasa, present your patient.

Mr. Malaka is a 45-year-old white male with a five-day

history of high fever and rash.

All the classic symptoms of Lyme Disease,

but he's not yet responded to the appropriate

antibiotic medication.

Well, perhaps we should switch to a more

broad spectrum coverage.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe he has appendicitis, too?

Has anybody asked the walking can opener what he thinks?

Hmm?

I need to analyze a urine sample.

By all means.

Thank you.

[groaning]

[gargling]

[whirring]

I'd hate to be here when he analyzes a stool sample.

Mr. Malaka has trycinyphlis.

Yeah, what's that?

That's an incredibly rare disease.

You can only get it by having sex with pigs.

That's crazy, absolutely crazy.

I mean this is mechanical moron must

have blown a circuit board.

Trycinyphlis.

There's only ever been five confirmed cases.

[squealing]

Six.

Ugh.

How disgusting.

Not even in my country do we have sex with pigs.

Sheeps? Yes.

Goats? Yes.

Pigs? Never.

[oinking]

See, to you, this may look like an inflamed gallbladder.

But to me, this is payment on my country club membership.

Hoo-hoo!

Three-pointer.

Dr. Callaby, there's a very important call for you.

Well it better be very important,

this man's aneurysm is about to burst.

Don't move a muscle, I'll be right back.

Hello?

Jake!

[popping]

Where have you been?

JAKE: Where have I been?

Where have I been?

I was in court, defending the rights

of the downtrodden, hardworking little people.

Damn, this coffee's hot!

I almost burned my tongue!

What are you trying to do to me?

[screaming]

So, you got another malpractice case for me?

No, that's the problem.

We got this new robotic doctor thingy here at the hospital.

It never makes a mistake.

Robo-doctor?

Keep on eye on that tin can, study it.

That's our next meal ticket, it must have a weakness.

But it knows everything.

You figure out a way for me to sue that robot,

or my next malpractice case will be against you.

Jake, you'll be next, Jake?

Jakey?

Jake?

I'm afraid her breasts were so small we had

to put them on life support.

Do you mean, uh--

Yes, we had to put her on a breast-pirator.

[machine sounds]

What are her chances?

Not very good, unless we can find

her a pair of donor breasts.

I know, I know, I lost my college girlfriend

the same way.

NURSE: Doctor, doctor!

Great news, a busload of strippers

just went over a cliff.

We have a cooler full of donor breasts.

That's incredible.

How do you suppose something like that could have happened?

[rock music playing]

[laughing]

[cheering]

[crashing]

If I keep eating this food, I'm going to need a doctor.

There's a hair in my sandwich, this is disgusting.

I think the food is good, very good.

Really?

In my country, we don't eat three meals a day.

We only eat on very special occasions.

Like when?

Like when we have food.

Hey guys, here comes dessert.

Hey, what do you say you and me get together some time, huh?

Oh I don't think I'm right for you.

If I remember correctly, you like the strong, silent type.

[laughing]

I didn't do the mime.

Yeah.

Hey, Kim.

hey, I just want to let you know, you know,

I think you're an excellent nurse.

Aw, thanks.

But complimenting me on my professionalism

is not going to get you into my pants.

Oh, then what will?

Ugh.

Come on, doc, give it to me straight, I take it.

You are going to die.

Oh my God.

How long have I got?

According to my calculations, you

have two months, three weeks, six days, 18 hours,

47 minutes, and nine seconds.

Eight, seven, six, five.

Is there any hope?

No.

Will there be much pain?

Oh yes, very much so.

Unbearable.

Oh, what should I do, doc?

Write a will, buy a nice suit.

Oh!

[crying]

RoboShock, can I speak to you for a moment?

Certainly, chief.

Have a nice day.

Oh!

Have a nice day.

Look, I don't mean to be overly critical,

but we've got to work on your bedside manner.

What do you mean, chief?

I mean, you can't be that direct and blunt

with a patient.

Why not?

Well, because, it's just not--

can you add anything here?

Well, I can't program in compassion, Doctor,

but I know you can learn from others.

Mmm.

Hmm.

Now there's a beautiful doll, what's her name, sweetheart?

This is Donna, the stranger danger doll.

You're not a friend of mine, guy.

You're a pervert, get away from me.

Get away!

Charming.

[kids playing]

Well, I didn't know kids were still playing

Cowboys and Indians anymore.

They're not, they're playing cow

persons and Native Americans.

Cute.

Know Look, the real reason I'm here is RoboCrock.

He needs a lesson in compassion.

[meowing]

Evidently.

DR. ROSKIN: Would you be willing to teach him?

DR. MILLS: Well, someone has to.

[glitchy meowing]

Fine, I'll see what I can do.

Good.

Then I'll leave him-- it--

in your hands this afternoon.

OK.

Let's go.

How can I explain compassion?

ROBODOC: Compassion.

It is a sympathetic consciousness

of another's distress, together with the desire

to alleviate it.

DR. MILLS: Very good.

You know, for a moment there I forgot I was talking

to a walking encyclopedia.

Simply stated, it's the giving of aid and comfort.

For instance, look over there.

All of God's creatures need to eat, feeding

them is an act of compassion.

And for that, I believe that nice woman will be rewarded.

Ugh!

Ah!

How do you know so much about compassion?

I really don't know.

I guess I'd rather feel sorry for someone else

rather than feel sorry for myself.

I lost someone.

Someone really close to me.

He was killed in a car accident, killed by a--

[sighing]

He was killed by a--

ROBODOC: Drunk driver?

No, cross-eyed driver.

[crashing]

So this is why you decided to dedicate yourself

to curing cross-eyed kids.

It's the way I've chosen to care about people.

I have over 500 trillion gigabytes of memory

full of how to care for people.

I'm an expert in caring for people.

That may be true, but need to care about them as well.

I am not human.

How could I care about people?

You don't have to be human to care about people.

Dolphins care about people, dogs care about people, cats--

well, the point is that people are

insecure, frightened, fearful creatures.

They're not machines.

They need to be reassured that everything is going to be OK,

even if it isn't.

Everything is going to be OK.

Not convincing.

You know, it wouldn't hurt if you'd smile or something.

Smile?

Yeah, smile, like this.

[creaking]

It's a start.

You know, as a doctor, you may be perfect, but as a human,

you've got a long way to go.

[whirring]

You have a deep laceration on her leg

which has become secondarily infected.

Huh?

You are infected with a flesh-eating bacteria,

and will require more extensive treatment.

Flesh-eating bacteria?

That sounds horrible.

It is not so bad.

All of God's creatures need to eat.

Yeah?

The bacteria need to eat somebody's flesh,

and I admire your compassion in letting them eat yours.

Huh?

Of course, there is a chance you may lose your leg.

A chance?

Like a 10% chance?

No, like a 99% chance.

But when you wake up, you'll have a brand new leg.

It is not so bad, having an artificial leg.

I've got two.

[creaking]

That's incredible.

Will I get one like that?

Not exactly.

My legs cost over $10 million each.

With your health plan, your new leg will look more like this.

The best part is the bacteria will no longer

be able to eat your new leg.

Of course, you'll have to worry about woodpeckers and termites.

But don't worry, everything will be OK.

[creaking]

I think we still have some work to do

in the compassion department.

Yeah.

[music playing]

Scalpel.

Scalpel.

DOCTOR: Dr. Calloby, a Dr. Gorman on the phone for you.

Uh, yes.

Hello?

Callaby!

Where the hell are my malpractice cases?

I'm doing the best I can, but this guy's infallible,

and he's only getting better.

He's only a machine, he has to have a weakness.

Find it!

[music playing]

You know I'm not perfect, but I've got a perfect smile.

And though I'm not real to you, will you please stay a while.

You can't catch your breath when you look in these eyes.

Can't catch yourself when I--

I make you feel alive.

And I know I can change the world,

even though I'm so all alone.

And I know I can change the world,

and you will see I can change for good.

RoboDoc is a huge success, I've never

seen such glowing evaluations.

RoboDoc saved my life, RoboDoc made

my labor and delivery so easy, I wished I was having his baby.

Not me, the person.

No one cares, Buttkiss.

Delivering babies.

We need him to do something really big.

If we could get that freaky waxy face of his splattered

on the cover of every newspaper in the country, then--

then, Buttkiss-- our stock would go through the roof.

Excuse me, Sir.

The newest public service announcement

for the cross-eyed children's clinic

is ready for your review.

I wanna be a pilot.

I want to be a doctor.

DOLL: Don't touch me!

I'm calling the police!

Please donate generously to the cross-eyed

children's clinic of North Mercy Hospital.

There.

The crossed-eyed kids.

Yeah, I know, it's horrible.

No, Buttkiss.

If RoboDoc could cure them, then I'd be a billionaire.

What am I saying, I am a billionaire.

I'd be a--

BUTTKISS: Gazillionaire.

Gazillionaire.

Nice work, Buttkiss.

The Cafeteria's got to get rid of this 10-W40, he's only

supposed to have synthetic.

When you're finished with him, do you think

you could rotate my tires?

[laughing]

Oh!

Quite a set-up you have here, yes.

Very impressive.

It's just been amazing how you've been

able to put RoboDoc together.

It was nothing, really.

Anybody with a master's degree from MIT, a PhD from Harvard,

and a certificate from the ACS Automotive Technical Institute

couldn't have done it.

Well, I've been very impressed with RoboDoc's job performance.

It seems he never makes a mistake.

He doesn't, his programming won't allow it.

Really?

Tell me more.

You ever hear the term garbage in, garbage out?

Any computer system is only as good as the information

you put into it.

And while I'm changing his oil and brake fluid,

Kevin here is scanning the latest medical journals

into his database.

And how does all of this information get into his head?

It doesn't.

His head is empty.

[banging]

The only thing in his head is this communications module.

So any information he needs, he retrieves from this database.

For example, we just finished scanning

an article on how to surgically repair cross-eyed kids.

[laughing]

There's no such cure.

Can I see that?

Sure.

I don't think you'll understand it.

I am a highly experienced doctor, I assure you--

I don't understand this, this is written in German.

It's a new procedure written by Dr. Von

Schmekel from the University of Dusseldorf.

It hasn't been translated yet, but that's OK, because RoboDoc

knows 78 human languages, 55 computer languages,

and 15 animal languages.

Impressive.

And right now we're getting him ready to perform

the new surgery to cure all the kids in the cross-eyed clinic.

You don't say.

Well, thank you so much for the tour, it's been enlightening,

and I hope you seal him up tight.

Wouldn't want RoboDoc to blow a gasket at the medical staff

dinner tonight, would we?

[knocking]

The medical staff dinner.

Damn, I forgot.

Kevin, run out, rent Robodoc a tuxedo.

I'll pick up some chrome polish.

We got to make him shine tonight.

I'm on it.

[music playing]

And she has the most beautiful hair, it's so silky, so smooth.

Enough already, I've heard this from you a million times.

Just this once why don't you tell her.

Nurse Kim!

I don't know what to say to you, I think you're so beautiful.

[cries]

Thanks.

I've got work to do.

Wait, wait.

I know we'll have beautiful babies together.

You want to have a baby?

[music playing]

Well, why didn't you say so?

[slapping]

[rustling]

DR. KEEFE: Oh, easy, ow!

I just hit the switch.

NURSE KIM: You sure did, baby.

Oh!

DR. KEEFE: OK.

NURSE KIM: Yeah, oh.

[both moaning]

[monkey yelling]

[dog barking]

[moaning]

DIRECTOR: All right, quiet on the set, everybody.

Ready on camera three, have still score two.

Ready, Jake, ready.

And three, two--

Is your baby ugly?

Sue your doctor.

Not feeling springtime fresh?

Sue your doctor.

Have you lost a testicle, an eyeball,

or some other small but pricey piece of your body?

Sue your doctor.

Because of some greedy doctor's negligence, this sweet,

98-year-old woman won't live to see her great-great-great-great

grandchildren.

[farting]

With my help, she's going to sue her doctor.

[farting]

I'm Jake Gorman, Attorney at Law, and I care for you.

[farting]

DIRECTOR: And cut.

Ah, jeez.

Would somebody change the old bat's diaper?

She's carrying the grandmother load in there.

Ah!

[crashing]

I just can't get that taste out of my mouth.

What do they feed these people?

WOMAN: Phone call for Mr. Gorman.

Hello?

Jakey baby.

Great news, it's Dr. C. I not only found out

a way to take RoboDoc down, but also

make us very, very, very rich.

Wait, wait, let me get this straight.

Blind kids?

Oh, this is fantastic.

Hang on a second, let me add this up.

Loss of sight in one eye is worth one million dollars.

Times two eyes per blind kid, plus $50 million

in punitive damages against RIP Health Care,

minus 60% for those stinking blind kids.

That leaves us with a grand total of--

oh!

[groaning]

[laughing]

Garbage in.

Good, Joey, swing it harder.

[whacking]

Don't you want to play with the other children, sweetie?

No, I can't get it to work right.

What, honey, what won't work right?

This game.

When I try to swing the axe to chop off their heads,

the screen freezes.

So sorry, sweetie.

Let me give it a try.

Let me take a look at it.

I know a little something about computers.

OK, that would be great, thank you.

[whacking]

It's not Robert, it's just a machine.

[whirring]

[laughing]

[ominous music playing]

[whirring]

Hi, RoboDoc.

Are you going to the dinner tonight?

Yes, I'll be there.

Well, good, 'cause I'm going to wear something special,

just for you.

Excuse me.

I don't care if he is a robot.

I'm going to make him a man tonight.

[growls]

Mmm, fill your pockets, fill your cheeks.

This is the best free food you'll see for weeks.

Come on, scoop and move, buddy.

I am wanting you to meet my fiance Pontangpu.

Damn.

Glad to meet you.

She doesn't speak English.

It was nice to meet you.

I'm gonna have a baby.

Yeah!

Oh no.

[moaning]

[creaking]

[groaning]

The for proctologist's wife says, I guess we're just

both in love with assholes.

[laughing]

[music playing]

Oh my God.

I'm in dire need of medical attention.

If you're catching a cold from being in that outfit,

maybe I can help you.

I don't need a pediatrician.

I'm a grown woman.

I need a real doctor.

What's the matter?

Cat got your tongue.

[whirring]

Well, what do you have to say now?

I'm not feeling so good.

[vomiting]

Oh my God.

How insulting, you bastard.

I see how you are.

You gave me the best pelvic exam of my life, and then--

and then you just walk away like it means nothing.

I hope there's a junkyard in hell.

HARRY BOTTOMS: I am proud to announce

that the newest member of our--

of our medical staff, MD-63, also known as RoboDoc,

has performed his duties flawlessly in the trial period.

So tomorrow, we will turn his considerable talents

to those most in need, our children.

[applause]

Tomorrow-- please.

Tomorrow morning, RoboDoc is scheduled

to perform the most ambitious surgical feat

in the history of medicine.

He will operate on, and cure, all of the cross-eyed children.

[applause]

The-- ah!

MD-63, would you care to share a few words?

[whirring]

[alarms]

Thank you.

[whirring]

[alarms]

All for coming.

Com-ing.

[alarms]

[gasping]

It's all right everybody, everything's fine.

Just uh, stage fright.

This hunk of junk had better be

ready to perform delicate eye surgery tomorrow morning,

or I will be arranging a special surgical procedure for you.

And it won't be delicate.

Thank you for joining us.

We look forward to seeing you tomorrow morning.

[whirring]

[depressurizing]

How is he?

He's still touch-and-go.

His synchronization chip is fried.

I need to find a donor.

A donor?

What is it?

Somebody who lends something to somebody.

But that's not important right now.

I need a chip.

You know, from like a cell phone,

or a pager, or a digital watch.

Here, here, hey take my beeper, I don't want it anyway.

Thanks.

But I know I'm going to need more chips.

I need to find a match.

It's his only chance.

DR. ROSKIN: Let's give him everything we've got, come on.

JASON DOCKERY: OK, thanks.

I'm going back in.

DR. BONACASA: Good luck.

Thanks.

[birds chirping]

[music playing]

Wake up, everyone.

Hey.

You made it.

Look at that, everything work good, you're all right?

And guess what?

I didn't need any of the cell phones or pagers.

The matching chip came from Dr. Mills' watch.

Thank you, Lauren.

You're welcome.

Now let's go straighten some crossed eyes.

Yes.

All right.

Um, sorry, I didn't realize you were still on the charger.

Big Jake, the sardine can is on his way to surgery,

and we are on our way to being filthy,

disgustingly, stinky, outrageously rich.

[music playing]

Give me a nice, clean, sterile surgery here, OK?

You hear the bell, you start cutting.

[beeping]

What the hell is this?

Cut the optic nerve?

Oh, God.

Oh my g--

I've got to stop him.

I am done.

[applause]

It's dark in here.

Just a minute.

I'm taking the bandage off now.

They're straight, you did it!

[applause]

Are you gonna take the bandages off?

Everyone back!

Look, he's blind!

[groaning]

Oh, look!

All the children are blind!

They're all blind!

I'm calling a lawyer.

Jake Gorman, Attorney at Law.

You called?

That guy's like a toilet, always

around when shit goes down.

I'm calling risk management.

I'm calling the police.

But the blindness is just temporary.

Tell it to the judge.

Marcus, we're going to have more money

than you know what to do with.

Oh, I know what to do with it.

I'm going to see the world.

Yeah, it's just a shame that the poor little blind children

won't be able to see the world.

Eh?

Hah, just kidding.

[laughing]

[gavel banging]

Please state your name.

MD-63, but most people call me RoboDoc.

Does the MD mean that you're a medical doctor.

No, it stands for medical device.

You're not just any medical device.

In fact, you're a highly advanced robot,

whose database contains all of mankind's

medical and surgical knowledge.

So when you performed surgery on these children,

you simply followed your programming,

and performed the procedure exactly as specified.

No.

No?

I have no more questions, your honor.

MD dash 63.

Why do people call you RoboDoc?

Because I perform the functions of a doctor.

You perform the functions of a doctor.

What other functions do you perform?

I do not understand your question.

For instance, do you make coffee?

Yes.

- Toast bread? - Yes.

Open cans?

Yes.

So you're a coffee maker, toaster,

and can opener, that also happens to be a doctor,

and an eye surgeon?

Yes.

Where did you go to medical school?

I did not.

High school?

No.

The fact is that you perform the work of a doctor,

and you didn't even graduate from kindergarten?

Is that correct?

You are not qualified to operate on the eyes of a child.

I wouldn't even let you touch the eyes of a potato.

State your name.

Dr. William Von Schmekel.

Dr. Von Schemekel, you developed

the surgical technique used by the defendant?

Ja, and I heard it worked perfectly.

Doctor, these children are blind.

Yeah, but their eyes are straight.

But does your procedure usually cause blindness?

How should I know?

I only did the procedure on rats and mice.

You see this little fellow?

He used to be cross-eyed.

Yes, Doctor we can all see that his eyes are straight.

But has this rodent been blinded by your procedure?

How should I know?

I speak German and I speak English, but I don't speak rat.

Perhaps you should ask him?

[squeaking]

You shut your filthy, stinking, little lying rat

hole. [gavel pounding]

- Mr. Gorman!

I mean, sorry.

He is a menace.

When I think of the tears being shed

by those poor, defenseless, innocent, pre-pubescent,

beautiful little children.

[crying]

[squeezing cloth]

He forced me into the supply closet,

and he touched me like no other battery-operated device

has ever touched me before.

[whistling]

Look what he did to me.

He took out my appendix, and left this ugly, hideous scar.

[whistle]

[whistle]

[drum sounds]

I didn't do the mime!

Hey, shut up!

[gavel banging]

Quiet!

You're not the one on trial here, yet.

[boing]

Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict?

We have, your honor.

We, the jury, find the defendant MD dash 63, guilty.

And we recommend that he be disassembled

and recycled for parts.

We further order that RIP Health Care pay the plaintiffs

$3,577 trillion, and 37 cents.

And how did you arrive at that figure?

It's all the money in the world, Judge.

Don't worry, everything is going to be OK.

[gavel pounding] - RoboDoc, rise.

MD-61, you are hereby sentenced to incarceration

at Big Bernie's Auto Wreckers and Salvage Yard,

until the day of your demolition,

when you will be crushed down to the size of a soda can.

And may God have mercy on your mainframe.

[gavel pounding]

We lost how much?

That's impo--

So many patients, no doctors.

Thank you for coming in to help.

No problem, it's good to be back.

You, you, you, you--

[flatlining]

Sorry.

I cannot believe they're going to recycle me.

I'm going to miss you guys.

Well, you could see me twice a week, if they turn

you into a set of golf clubs.

[laughing]

Come on, guys.

You know, we can't let them do this.

We can break him out of here.

You know, how big can Big Bernie be, you know?

I'm not afraid of him.

Listen, Robo--

Doc, I know you and I got started on the wrong foot,

but it was nothing personal.

It's just that over the years I've seen so many computers

and machines brought into the hospital, well,

it's like they were becoming more

important than the patients.

So I'm the last one you would ever

think would support the idea of a robot doctor, but--

wait, wait, wait, wait.

You big-- you big.

But you've changed my mind, you've opened my eyes,

you've shown a level of expertise and efficiency

that most doctors can only dream about.

You've treated your patients with kindness, with dignity.

You've been an inspiration to all of us

to become better doctors, better people.

You've become a friend.

You've got the heart of a man, you've got the soul of a man,

and you're taking this like a man.

[popping]

My oil plug.

It must have popped out.

It's time.

[crying]

What's this word?

Blind.

Three blind mice.

See how they run.

You can see?

You can all see?

Let's go save RoboDoc!

Excuse me, we need to get to the junkyard, fast.

[sirens]

[music playing]

[interposing voices]

[crushing sounds]

Let's get a move on RoboCrock.

The only thing that's gonna save your oily ass

now is phone call from the governor.

[phone ringing]

Oh, hold on a second, let me take this call.

Hello, Big Bernie's Auto Sal--

it's the governor!

Yes sir, Mr. Governor, Big Bernie, here.

No Sir, you're right on time, we hadn't even started yet.

Yes, Sir, I'll take care of it personally.

You bet, Sir, thanks for calling.

Hey Mike, don't crush that car yet!

The governor wants the hood off of it.

[groaning]

Let's get a move on.

[sirens]

[music playing]

Stop!

The kids can see!

They can see!

That is ridiculous, these kids can't see.

Their optic nerves were cut.

- How did you know what? - I didn't.

- You did it. - No I didn't.

You altered the article!

Never!

I did not cut their optic nerves.

I may be a robot, but I'm not stupid.

The blindness was temporary from normal swelling

after the operation.

You're all lying.

This is just a desperate, last-minute stunt.

These kids can't see--

it will cost me too much money.

Sweet, unfortunate, blind little boy.

If you can see my face, what do I look like?

A rat bastard.

[clanging]

Doctor, you're under arrest for falsifying

a medical journal.

I did not.

Endangering the eyesight of little children.

I wouldn't.

And product tampering.

Product tampering?

Take him away.

RoboDoc, in light of this new evidence,

I hereby exonerate you of any wrongdoing.

You're a free man.

Or robot, whatever you are, you're free.

[cheering]

Release the prisoner!

[applause]

[music playing]

Robo! Robo!

Robo!

Robo!

[applause]

Oh, RoboDoc.

I knew you were innocent all along.

I'm so happy to have you back.

So what do you think now?

[whirring]

[beeping]

[siren]

I think I need to make an emergency

phone call to the Centers for Disease Control.

Excuse me.

Your CAT scan looks perfectly normal,

Mr. Gorman, but we don't like to take any chances,

so we will be removing the top of your head.

Just to go in and take a look around, to be sure.

No, no, no!

Yes, yes, yes. [groaning]

Fortunately, we do have the finest brain surgeon in town

to do the operation.

I believe you've met Doctor Sosumi.

[screaming]

Hai!

[revving chainsaw]

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

[revving chainsaw]

Hai!

[laughing]

Mr. Gorman not going to be able to sue any more doctors.

He going to have to find new line of work.

[music playing]

Now say ahh.

[dinging]

[music playing]

[MUSIC - BRIAN KINSEY - CHANGE THE WORLD]

You know I'm not perfect, but I've got a perfect smile.

And though I'm not real to you, will you please stay awhile.

You can't catch your breath when you look in these eyes.

Can't catch yourself when I, I make you feel alive.

And I know I can change the world.

Leave me alone, I'm so all alone.

And I know I can change the world.

You will see I can change for good.

You know I don't know how to laugh at the right times.

Still trying to understand why you sit here and cry.

You can't catch your breath when you're passing me by.

I'm not the one you love, but I can stay awhile.

And I know I can change the world.

Leave me alone, I'm so all alone.

And I know I can change the world.

You will see I can change for good.

A brand new start I gave you.

Look at me again.

And you can see that I have weaknesses.

A brand new start I gave you.

Look at me again.

And you can see that I've found strength in you.

And I know I can change the world.

Leave me alone, I'm so all alone.

And I know I can change the world.

You will see I can change for good.

I know I'm not perfect.

But I can change the world.

Never in fear again when I can change the world.