Original subtitles

VOICEMAIL: Hello, this is Josh. I am unavailable.

-I am too busy. I am too busy for you. -(BEEP)

Yeah. Hi, Josh. Erm...

I am aware that I agreed we wouldn't see each other again,

so this is slightly embarrassing.

What seems to be happening now though is,

I've had this little thought that what might be just wonderful

is if I could in fact actually see you again,

knowing full well that you have a boyfriend,

so this is a selfish call.

I guess I've weighed up how selfish I'm comfortable being

versus how much I do in fact want to talk to you.

And I think what I'm saying now is I want to talk to you quite a bit.

Full disclosure, I've had a pretty full-on headache all week,

and, er, it's not looking optimistic.

I'm in hospital.

It's a glass-half-empty and the glass-half-full part is my mum's tears.

I realise that makes me a far less attractive prospect

than your boyfriend, and would advise against seeing me.

I have Chlamydia.

-Again? -Again.

Okay. So we're doing this today?

Yes.

-Have you been to the doctor? -No.

-How do you know? -I just know, okay?

-Okay. Have you told Ella? -No.

How will you tell Ella?

Okay, so here's the thing.

-Here we go! -Here we go.

(LAUGHS) Here we go!

So before we had sex, Ella did a very responsible thing,

where she asked me when the last time

I'd had a sexual health test was.

As you know, I've never had a sexual health test,

so I said, "Last week."

Here we go!

(EXHALES) So here's what we're going to do.

-"We"? -Yes, we're a team.

-Like Siegfried and Roy! -No, not that type of team.

Like Milo and Otis!

You only have to take one pill, right?

-Right. -So we'll go to the doctor,

I get the medicine, but I do not take it.

Like Simon and Garfunkel!

I go to another doctor, I get the second dose.

I take one, and then we sneak the other one into Ella's food

-and disinfect her. -Tom, that is crazy!

(LAUGHS) Okay,

I admit, as it came out of my mouth,

it did sound crazier than it did in my head.

All right! I'm in.

Thank you.

♪ One, two, one, two, three, four ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪ -♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪ -♪ I've left better behind ♪

-♪ I'll be fine ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Fine ♪

-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪ -♪ Eye ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪

♪ I've left better behind I'll be fine ♪

-BEN: (ON VOICEMAIL) Ben... -WOMAN: (ON VOICEMAIL) Is not available.

-At the tone, please leave your message. -(BEEP)

Ben, hi. This is Josh.

Yeah, I'm a little bit offended

that you're so surprised that you want to see me again.

Er, and a little bit

not sure what you're asking me,

'cause you're saying you want to see me again,

but then you're saying that you're in a hospital.

-Are you asking me... -(LINE RINGS)

-...to see you again in hospital? -(LINE RINGS)

Mae!

You never call me.

Yeah, well, also, you never call me. So whatever.

I need you to babysit Grace tonight.

Yes! Grace wants to come visit!

No, I'm making dinner for your dad.

I'm going to try and convince him to forgive me.

I don't want your life story, Mae.

Just bring little Grace

and whatever hilarious, tiny outfits you have after 5:00 pm.

(SIGHING) Okay. Thank you.

You need to drink more water. I'm always telling you that.

I have nowhere to put it. Why would they put it in a clear bag?

-Are you ready for your blood test? -Yes. Again?

The last doctor penetrated my penis.

-He went inside my penis. -(SNIGGERS)

And then this doctor didn't penetrate my penis,

so I know that wasn't entirely necessary,

-now I'm a little bit confused... -(SHUSHING)

...about what I've been through.

I'm going to sneak Ella's pill into her tagine.

I've thought about it, and I've decided it's fine.

-We're having tagine? -Yeah.

Mmm.

Well, can I at least pick the prettiest piece of parsley?

-Erm, okay. -Do you know what I'm done with?

I'm done with feeling insecure when cool kids make me an espresso.

Screw them, they don't get to make me feel insecure just because

-I've got asymmetrical hair. -(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Ladies, ladies!

-Hello, Mae. -Josh!

I've been thinking about it, and I'm sorry, you're right,

-I should have called. Okay? -It's okay.

-I'm in a hurry. I have to go. -Oh, no. First, tell me how you are.

I'm such a mess, just so bad. Your dad is really punishing me.

-Yes. Let's have a dance. -(SWITCHES ON RECORD)

-(EXCLAIMS) Oh, no. Ah, okay! -(HUMS ALONG)

(LAUGHS) Okay!

What do you think, Gracie, huh?

(LAUGHS) Oh, okay!

-(SINGING) ♪ When, when you smile... ♪ -(LAUGHING)

Okay, you can go. Fine, go. Go!

-Give me the baby! -(LAUGHING) Okay, okay.

-Okay, Gracie. Bye-bye, my Gracie! -(GRACE CRIES)

Oh, Gracie. Actually, you love me! Actually, you love me.

-How's it going? -Not well, is it? She's settled in.

She won't leave the kitchen. She's so fucking delightful.

Well, what do we do? I don't want to have to tell her about...

Okay, I'll think of something.

-The water's boiling over! -Well, take it off the heat.

-You told me not to interfere! (LAUGHS) -Calm down.

Mmm.

So, today I met this lady

who reckons that she kept her goldfish alive for 16 years.

Well, that just can't be possible.

Either it's bullshit or she's a witch.

Oh, no, she was a witch. I met a witch, and I fucked up.

How did you fuck up? What were you supposed to do with a witch?

Magic.

So guys, I have something to tell you

that I've just been a bit too awkward to tell you about.

What?

Erm...

So it's not a big deal, okay?

-It's disgusting, but it's not a big deal. -Hurry up. What is it?

I have worms.

-Worms? -Worms?

Yes.

Why are you telling us this? You don't have to tell us everything.

Because if I have worms, then maybe they're in the house,

their eggs are in the house, and we all have to take medication.

How the fuck did you get worms?

You know, I don't know. I don't know how I got them.

How do you know? What does it feel like to have worms?

-I just... -(LAUGHING)

-I just know. -You're fucking disgusting!

You are fucking disgusting.

No, it's normal. Things like this happen.

There's no shame.

Yeah, it's really normal.

Tom, why are you okay with this?

Why don't you have the decency to at least act as though you're grossed out?

-Arnold's being really quiet. -No, no, it's fine.

I'm fine. What do we have to do?

Just tell me what I have to do to get rid of the worms.

Yeah, so, we just all have to get treated, 'cause otherwise they'll keep on living.

They live in the sheets. We need to wash all the sheets.

We don't have to wash all the sheets, do we?

I just changed my sheets!

-Won't they be in the food? -They're not in the food.

Why did you wait until the middle of dinner?

You've held onto this all day?

Yeah, sorry Josh. I just don't think we can eat it.

Yeah, Arnold's right. We just can't eat it.

We can eat the food, because we're going to take the medication later.

-Do you have the medication? -Okay, yeah, Tom?

I need you to stop knowingly eating worm eggs, mmm-hmm?

I don't have the medication.

You are right, I probably should have the medication,

but I don't. I will

go and get the medication as soon as Grace leaves.

Oh, no. Grace. What are we gonna do about Grace?

-Grace is fine. -No. You have to tell your dad

-that you gave her worms! -Oh, I'll google what to do.

Great.

I will go and get the medication after dinner.

No! We're not gonna just incubate worm eggs

for another few hours just so that you can have dessert!

Fine.

I'll get you some cash for mine.

No, no. No, no. Tom, take this. My shout.

Special treat!

-Thank you. -Mmm-hmm.

Oh, Josh, can I please talk to you for a moment?

Claire too, actually.

Are you eating off the microwave plate?

Aren't you impressed I found a clean plate?

(SIGHS)

We really need to wash some dishes.

I keep waiting for one of your manic episodes.

I put those mouldy pots in the freezer.

That should hold them at bay for a couple of days.

Looks like you guys need a hand.

Stuart! (SIGHS)

What are you doing here?

I wanted to come and apologise.

Ah... "Apologise"?

Just want to say my piece.

Okay.

I'd offer you a cup of tea but we're all out of cups.

And salad bowls. And enthusiasm.

You fucking dorks!

Look, guys, okay, I hear you, I do.

I just really think everything's gonna be fine.

All you had to do was put it in her food.

Yeah. No, that's the problem, the method.

The method he is using to drug your girlfriend.

I am a hero, okay? I have taken the most incredible fall for you.

You're enabling him!

You just couldn't handle the fact that I had the idea.

So you had to change the idea to suit you.

No, it's a good plan.

Worms is worse than Chlamydia.

-Is it, is it? -Nah.

Please, just tell her the truth!

No, not now that I'm lying for Tom,

'cause then Arnold will find out

and he'll realise what kind of people we are.

Do you actually have worms?

Is this your sneaky little way of putting your worms on my shoulders?

I don't know why you two don't just date each other.

-You make a beautiful couple. -Sixteen years for a goldfish? Wow!

Well, it's very obvious you guys are talking about me.

-We weren't. -No.

You're blaming the worms on me because I'm new here.

Definitely not.

Because I really don't think that I gave you worms.

-Neither do we. -I'm sorry if I did, though.

No, I still think it's a good plan.

Me and Hazel did split up, but then her mum died

and she was so upset, and I'm all that she has, so I took her back,

and I know that was a mistake and I know it was unfair to you,

but I just couldn't bear to see her that upset.

Well, it's very sad for Hazel.

Yeah, it was very sad.

So, have you got anything else to say?

Just that I'm sorry.

Well, that's done, then.

No, sit down.

Sit down. I'm not a bad guy.

No, look, I... I think you're fine.

(STAMMERS) We've finished. You probably should go.

No, I'm not done. I'm not going anywhere.

Stuart, you have to go.

How long are you going to do this for?

Till you forgive me.

All right.

-What are you doing? -Come on.

-I'm not going. I'm not done, Rose! -No, come...

(GRUNTS) Oh!

I just want you to forgive me, Rose.

-I forgive you! -That was insincere.

Ugh. I forgive you!

(SIGHS) You're really starting to bother me now, Rose.

I'm not a well man. You need to be very careful here.

(LINE RINGS)

VOICEMAIL: Hello, this is Josh. I am unavailable.

-I am too busy. I am too busy for you. -(BEEP)

(SIGHING) Josh, er...

At the point, to be honest, at the point when I was accosted by your awful

voicemail greeting,

I hadn't resolved my intentions as well as you might have liked.

Now it seems I've made the same mistake twice.

(SIGHS) I don't know what I'm saying.

I suggest forgetting I ever called,

and maybe having a chocolate biscuit or something.

(LINE RINGS)

-BEN: (ON VOICEMAIL) Ben... -WOMAN: (ON VOICEMAIL) Is not available.

-At the tone, please leave your message. -(BEEP)

So... So I think what you were trying to say but you're too scared

or perhaps just too exhausted because of the way you speak

er, is that you're not sure whether it's worth seeing me again.

But you're worried that you might never get an opportunity

to find out in the light of day how disappointing my face actually is.

Does that, ah... Does that sound about right?

Where have you been? Grace won't stop crying.

-I was just putting the bins out. Hi. -(SIGHS)

-She's fine, babe. -Yeah, she was crying so much.

-I promise, she just stopped. -Okay.

I mean, I wish she was crying. I'd get to pick her up, have a little Grace time.

I'm really very worried about Grace.

Worms love babies.

Really? Is that a thing?

-Everyone loves babies. -Maybe your dad should come get her.

No, I don't want to ruin his special night, okay?

-We'll tell him when he picks her up. -If she's got worms,

your dad probably has worms too, you know?

Sometimes I wonder how there is anyone in the world that doesn't have worms.

You should call Tom and make sure that he talks to the pharmacist about Grace.

Okay, yeah.

That is... That's a good idea.

(CUCKOO CLOCK SOUNDS)

-It'd be silly not to. -Yeah.

-(LINE RINGS) -(JOSH SIGHS)

Phone's just ringing.

-Hey, buddy. Hi. -I'm properly scared at this point.

Am I going to jail? I feel like at least some part of today means jail.

I've accepted the fact that she's gonna break up with me. That's done.

Now I'm trying to decide how I can explain to my parents

that I'm not going to see them for a while.

Yeah, we were just thinking, it might be a good idea for you

to pick up some baby-worming medication for Grace.

That doesn't exist.

Yeah, no, no, we don't need a treat.

Thank you for offering, though. What a generous guy, what a good guy.

I can't handle this!

I love you too.

Oh! Why'd you say no to the treat?

I'm starving.

Well, fine. I'll just go, then, will I?

Okay.

"Okay"? That's it, then, is it, "Okay"?

Nice knowing you. Is there something wrong with you, Rose?

Is something wrong with your head?

HANNAH: Yeah, there is.

That's how you guys met.

Why can't you see that I'm a good man?

What do you think we should do?

He'll wear himself out.

I'm seconds away from blowing my top here. Seconds away!

Do you think we should call the police?

No, he doesn't need to go to prison.

(LINE RINGS)

-(PHONE RINGS) -It's Rose.

You'd better answer it.

-Hello, Rose. -(STAMMERING) Alan?

Stuart's broken into my house and he won't leave.

What? Have you called the police?

No. No, I don't want to get him arrested.

-What's happening? -Stuart's broken into Rose's house.

She sounds scared, she doesn't want to call the police.

I'm not scared, I just want him to leave.

Okay, okay. Let's go.

Do you think...

Okay. Yeah. We're coming, Rose. We're coming.

Do we need this?

-What? No, Alan! -I won't use it.

-Well, then don't bring it! -We might need it.

-Okay, you are not allowed to use it! -I won't, I won't.

Oh!

(SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hi, Dad.

-Hi, Josh. It's Dad. -And Mae. How is Grace going?

I mean, she is an angel!

Er, look Josh, Stuart's having some sort of sit-in at your mum's place.

She and Hannah are stuck there with him.

Oh, okay.

-Josh, is that your dad? -Yeah.

You have to tell him about Grace.

What? Tell what about Grace?

Okay. Erm, I have worms, and maybe Grace has worms.

-(CLAIRE LAUGHING) -Why are you telling us this?

Just, maybe Grace has worms, and you're gonna have to get her checked.

-How did you get worms? -I don't know! Who knows?

It's not like they were invited.

MAE: Okay, fine. We worm her, okay?

-Great! -ALAN: You'll have to wash all the sheets.

Yes, I know.

Okay. There's no worms. Practical joke.

What?

That's not funny, Josh.

Wait, what, there are no worms?

Erm, there are no worms. Tom has Chlamydia.

-Again? -Yeah.

How are the two related? Does he always lie? I thought he never lies.

Maybe that's the biggest lie of all.

Okay, well, what do you want me to do about Mum?

I'm just ringing to tell you to make sure that you keep you and Grace safe.

From the man at Mum's house who's not here at my house?

(LAUGHS) Your dad is just calling

because he is so excited he might get to be a hero!

You know, guys, it was probably John who gave us worms.

I'm sorry to say it, but let's be real.

Hi, Grace.

Why is he doing this?

Do I get no say in whether my boyfriend tells people he has worms?

This is the nicest thing I've ever seen Josh do for someone.

I'm calling to tell you where we are

so that if anything goes wrong, you can call the police.

Or maybe you could just call the police now.

ALAN: Your mum doesn't want to send him to prison.

-Your dad brought a cricket bat, Josh! -(SIGHS)

-(SNIGGERING) -ALAN: I'm not gonna use it!

Bye, Joshie! (LAUGHS)

It was definitely John. I've seen him licking Josh's face.

-He's licked all of our faces. -It wasn't John, was it, buddy?

I can see it in his eyes.

Dead giveaway, John.

Dead giveaway!

Tell you what, Stuart,

I'll forgive you very sincerely

if you clean the kitchen.

These pills couldn't look any less alike.

How is this supposed to trick her?

Just tell her we took ours already.

What was the point of me going to the pharmacy again

if she's not even going to see them?

-(SHUSHING) -I had to get them to check out the back.

-I want to take them. -Well, if you take them

then you have to pay for them. Josh didn't give me enough money.

Did you guys take them without me?

Yeah.

-I thought we'd do it together, no? -Yeah.

You're right, sorry. We should have waited.

Josh, can I have a little sip of your beer, please?

Mmm-hmm.

"Only the dead have seen the end of war."

It's a Plato quote.

(LINE RINGS)

-ALAN: Hi, Rose. -He won't budge.

I don't know what to do!

We're ten seconds away.

-STUART: Who's that? -ROSE: Er, it's just Alan, my ex-husband.

Oh, no, it isn't. I told you not to push me!

So what now?

-What are you doing? Wanna have a go? -He's running at us.

Get out of the car and protect your wife like a man!

What do we do?

-Get out of the fucking car! Out! -I don't think I should get out.

-Don't get out of the car, Alan. -(STUART YELLING)

I'm surprised this is the first time they've met.

-STUART: Fucking come on! -It's going really well.

Get out!

-Oh, Jesus. -Out!

-Erm, what do we do? -Fucking get out!

Erm, ask him to get off?

Erm...

Stuart, mate, can you get off the car?

Not until Rose comes and talks to me.

-(SCREAMS) Get off the car! -You shut up!

-(WHISPERS) Shh, don't talk to him! -Why?

Okay. Okay, erm... I'm just going to take him down the street.

Rose, meet me at the kerb.

-Alan, you are not a stunt driver! -We can do this.

STUART: Oi, what are you doing? Alan?

Alan, don't mess around.

Alan!

Oi!

What are you doing?

Just stop there. Just stop!

I wanna talk to Rose!

Alan, you prick!

I just want to talk to Rose!

Hey!

-Slow down, you fucking lunatic! -(MAE GASPS)

ROSE: Thanks for this, Alan. Hi, Mae!

MAE: Oh... Oh!

STUART: Tossers!

Poxy tossers!

VOICEMAIL: Hello, this is Josh. I am unavailable.

-I am too busy. I am too busy for you. -(BEEP)

Josh?

I think you might be spot-on.

I, ah... I'm tempted to say you don't have to,

but now you've backed me into a corner

and I don't have much to lose, I'm just going to say it.

Come see me at the hospital before my aneurysm operation,

or you'll look like a proper douche.

-BEN: (ON VOICEMAIL) Ben... -WOMAN: (ON VOICEMAIL) Is not available.

-At the tone, please leave your message. -(BEEP)

Erm...

Okay, okay. Yeah, I'll come.

Sex time! It's sex time.

No.

No, not tonight. I'm just... I'm really spent.

You're spent?

No, Ella, I'm too tired.

You're too tired for sex time?

-I'm just... -I'm offering you sex here.

Ella, I just don't feel like it.

Okay. Erm... Well, how about, I'm going to break Harold's legs

-if you don't sex-time me? -Don't, don't.

Oh, Tom, why would you do that to Harold?

-I loved Harold! -Well, now you know

-this isn't a game. -Ella!

-Three, two... -Stop. Ella!

Just listen.

I have Chlamydia.

Oh.

Why didn't you just tell me?

'Cause now you're going to break up with me.

-No, I'm not. -Yeah, you are.

-Why? -Because of the time

I lied about having a sexual health test

because I couldn't be bothered going across the road to buy condoms.

Oh.

Damn it!

Now I have to get angry at you, and I don't want to get angry,

but I have to as a way of respecting myself.

And the frustrating thing is that I don't know what to say

because I can tell that you already know how bad what you did was.

Did you get symptoms?

Did it hurt?

Were you really scared?

Okay, good.

Well, if you're in pain and fear, then I don't have to be as angry at you.

It felt really bad.

I'm not going to break up with you,

but I need to make sure that you know

that that doesn't mean that I don't value myself.

I value myself, okay?

The reason that I'm not going to break up with you

is that I too have lied to people for my own selfish reasons.

I'm just a better liar than you, so I got away with it, okay?

I understand why you lied, but I don't like it,

and if I was the type of person to get angry,

then this is a situation where I might slap you

or maybe scratch your neck, okay?

-Okay. -Okay, good.

-I'm really sorry. -Mmm-hmm.

I do have good news.

What's that?

I already disinfected you, and you don't have worms.

-That pill was Chlamydia medication? -Yes.

-That's clever. -It wasn't my idea.

I need you to know that while I'm touched by the gesture,

what you did today was very, very sneaky.

-Oh, no! -And I will get my revenge.

No! How did Tom ruin it?

I wanted to have sex,

and there's a seven-day window where you're still contagious.

We did not think this through at all!

(CHUCKLES) No.

-Hey, Josh? -Yes, Ella?

Can you feel my possibly contagious vagina

pressing against your homosexual thigh?

Yes.

(WHIMPERS)

I have exacted my revenge.

-Good night. -Good night.

Oh, no!