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1
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VOICEMAIL: Hello, this is Josh.I am unavailable.
2
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-I am too busy. I am too busy for you.
-(BEEP)
3
00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:10,360
Yeah. Hi, Josh. Erm...
4
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:13,720
I am aware that I agreed
we wouldn't see each other again,
5
00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:15,640
so this is slightly embarrassing.
6
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What seems to be happening now though is,
7
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I've had this little thought
that what might be just wonderful
8
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is if I could in fact
actually see you again,
9
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:30,960
knowing full well
that you have a boyfriend,
10
00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:32,520
so this is a selfish call.
11
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I guess I've weighed uphow selfish I'm comfortable being
12
00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:38,800
versus how muchI do in fact want to talk to you.
13
00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:41,600
And I think what I'm saying now isI want to talk to you quite a bit.
14
00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:47,280
Full disclosure, I've hada pretty full-on headache all week,
15
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and, er, it's not looking optimistic.
16
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I'm in hospital.
17
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It's a glass-half-empty and theglass-half-full part is my mum's tears.
18
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I realise that makes mea far less attractive prospect
19
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than your boyfriend,and would advise against seeing me.
20
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I have Chlamydia.
21
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-Again?
-Again.
22
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:09,120
Okay. So we're doing this today?
23
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:10,280
Yes.
24
00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:12,920
-Have you been to the doctor?
-No.
25
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-How do you know?
-I just know, okay?
26
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-Okay. Have you told Ella?
-No.
27
00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:19,880
How will you tell Ella?
28
00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:21,360
Okay, so here's the thing.
29
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-Here we go!
-Here we go.
30
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(LAUGHS) Here we go!
31
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So before we had sex,
Ella did a very responsible thing,
32
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where she asked me when the last time
33
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I'd had a sexual health test was.
34
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As you know,
I've never had a sexual health test,
35
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so I said, "Last week."
36
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Here we go!
37
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(EXHALES)
So here's what we're going to do.
38
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:44,640
-"We"?
-Yes, we're a team.
39
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-Like Siegfried and Roy!
-No, not that type of team.
40
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Like Milo and Otis!
41
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,000
You only have to take one pill, right?
42
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-Right.
-So we'll go to the doctor,
43
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I get the medicine, but I do not take it.
44
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Like Simon and Garfunkel!
45
00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:01,480
I go to another doctor,
I get the second dose.
46
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I take one, and then we sneak
the other one into Ella's food
47
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-and disinfect her.
-Tom, that is crazy!
48
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(LAUGHS) Okay,
49
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I admit, as it came out of my mouth,
50
00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:12,440
it did sound crazier
than it did in my head.
51
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All right! I'm in.
52
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Thank you.
53
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♪ One, two, one, two, three, four ♪
54
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♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪
55
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-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪
56
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♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪
57
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,000
-♪ Oh, yeah ♪-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪
58
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♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪
59
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-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪-♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪
60
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-♪ Ooh ♪-♪ I've left better behind ♪
61
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-♪ I'll be fine ♪-♪ Yeah ♪
62
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-♪ Yeah ♪-♪ Fine ♪
63
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-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪-♪ Eye ♪
64
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BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪
65
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♪ I've left better behindI'll be fine ♪
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-BEN: (ON VOICEMAIL) Ben...
-WOMAN: (ON VOICEMAIL) Is not available.
67
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-At the tone, please leave your message.
-(BEEP)
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Ben, hi. This is Josh.
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Yeah, I'm a little bit offended
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00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:59,480
that you're so surprised
that you want to see me again.
71
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,760
Er, and a little bit
72
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,640
not sure what you're asking me,
73
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:07,080
'cause you're saying
you want to see me again,
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00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:09,040
but then you're saying
that you're in a hospital.
75
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-Are you asking me...
-(LINE RINGS)
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-...to see you again in hospital?
-(LINE RINGS)
77
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Mae!
78
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You never call me.
79
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:19,880
Yeah, well, also, you never call me.
So whatever.
80
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I need you to babysit Grace tonight.
81
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,920
Yes! Grace wants to come visit!
82
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No, I'm making dinner for your dad.
83
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,640
I'm going to try and convince him
to forgive me.
84
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I don't want your life story, Mae.
85
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Just bring little Grace
86
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and whatever hilarious, tiny outfits
you have after 5:00 pm.
87
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,400
(SIGHING) Okay. Thank you.
88
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You need to drink more water.
I'm always telling you that.
89
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I have nowhere to put it.
Why would they put it in a clear bag?
90
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:48,760
-Are you ready for your blood test?
-Yes. Again?
91
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,240
The last doctor penetrated my penis.
92
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-He went inside my penis.
-(SNIGGERS)
93
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:57,280
And then this doctor didn't penetrate
my penis,
94
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:58,840
so I know that wasn't entirely necessary,
95
00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:00,360
-now I'm a little bit confused...
-(SHUSHING)
96
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:01,560
...about what I've been through.
97
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,200
I'm going to sneak Ella's pill
into her tagine.
98
00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:07,120
I've thought about it,
and I've decided it's fine.
99
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-We're having tagine?
-Yeah.
100
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Mmm.
101
00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:14,480
Well, can I at least pick
the prettiest piece of parsley?
102
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-Erm, okay.
-Do you know what I'm done with?
103
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,920
I'm done with feeling insecure
when cool kids make me an espresso.
104
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Screw them, they don't get to make
me feel insecure just because
105
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-I've got asymmetrical hair.
-(KNOCK AT DOOR)
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Ladies, ladies!
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-Hello, Mae.
-Josh!
108
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I've been thinking about it,
and I'm sorry, you're right,
109
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-I should have called. Okay?
-It's okay.
110
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-I'm in a hurry. I have to go.
-Oh, no. First, tell me how you are.
111
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I'm such a mess, just so bad.
Your dad is really punishing me.
112
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-Yes. Let's have a dance.
-(SWITCHES ON RECORD)
113
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-(EXCLAIMS) Oh, no. Ah, okay!
-(HUMS ALONG)
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(LAUGHS) Okay!
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What do you think, Gracie, huh?
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(LAUGHS) Oh, okay!
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-(SINGING) ♪ When, when you smile... ♪
-(LAUGHING)
118
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Okay, you can go. Fine, go. Go!
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-Give me the baby!
-(LAUGHING) Okay, okay.
120
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-Okay, Gracie. Bye-bye, my Gracie!
-(GRACE CRIES)
121
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Oh, Gracie. Actually, you love me!
Actually, you love me.
122
00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:08,520
-How's it going?
-Not well, is it? She's settled in.
123
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She won't leave the kitchen.
She's so fucking delightful.
124
00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,720
Well, what do we do?
I don't want to have to tell her about...
125
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Okay, I'll think of something.
126
00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:16,520
-The water's boiling over!
-Well, take it off the heat.
127
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-You told me not to interfere! (LAUGHS)
-Calm down.
128
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Mmm.
129
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:29,560
So, today I met this lady
130
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who reckons that she kept
her goldfish alive for 16 years.
131
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Well, that just can't be possible.
132
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Either it's bullshit or she's a witch.
133
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Oh, no, she was a witch.
I met a witch, and I fucked up.
134
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How did you fuck up?
What were you supposed to do with a witch?
135
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Magic.
136
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:49,840
So guys, I have something to tell you
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that I've just been a bit too awkward
to tell you about.
138
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What?
139
00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:54,960
Erm...
140
00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:57,000
So it's not a big deal, okay?
141
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,680
-It's disgusting, but it's not a big deal.
-Hurry up. What is it?
142
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I have worms.
143
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-Worms?
-Worms?
144
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Yes.
145
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Why are you telling us this?
You don't have to tell us everything.
146
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Because if I have worms,
then maybe they're in the house,
147
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their eggs are in the house,
and we all have to take medication.
148
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How the fuck did you get worms?
149
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You know, I don't know.
I don't know how I got them.
150
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How do you know?
What does it feel like to have worms?
151
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-I just...
-(LAUGHING)
152
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-I just know.
-You're fucking disgusting!
153
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You are fucking disgusting.
154
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No, it's normal. Things like this happen.
155
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There's no shame.
156
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Yeah, it's really normal.
157
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Tom, why are you okay with this?
158
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Why don't you have the decency to at least
act as though you're grossed out?
159
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,400
-Arnold's being really quiet.
-No, no, it's fine.
160
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:46,800
I'm fine. What do we have to do?
161
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,360
Just tell me what I have to do
to get rid of the worms.
162
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Yeah, so, we just all have to get treated,
'cause otherwise they'll keep on living.
163
00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:54,640
They live in the sheets.
We need to wash all the sheets.
164
00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:56,400
We don't have to wash all the sheets,
do we?
165
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I just changed my sheets!
166
00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:00,080
-Won't they be in the food?
-They're not in the food.
167
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,080
Why did you wait
until the middle of dinner?
168
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,640
You've held onto this all day?
169
00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:05,760
Yeah, sorry Josh.
I just don't think we can eat it.
170
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:07,520
Yeah, Arnold's right.
We just can't eat it.
171
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,920
We can eat the food, because we're
going to take the medication later.
172
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:12,000
-Do you have the medication?
-Okay, yeah, Tom?
173
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:14,320
I need you to stop knowingly
eating worm eggs, mmm-hmm?
174
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:18,200
I don't have the medication.
175
00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:20,840
You are right,
I probably should have the medication,
176
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,360
but I don't. I will
177
00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:24,720
go and get the medication
as soon as Grace leaves.
178
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,800
Oh, no. Grace.
What are we gonna do about Grace?
179
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,360
-Grace is fine.
-No. You have to tell your dad
180
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-that you gave her worms!
-Oh, I'll google what to do.
181
00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:31,640
Great.
182
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,520
I will go and get the medication
after dinner.
183
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,720
No! We're not gonna just
incubate worm eggs
184
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,800
for another few hours
just so that you can have dessert!
185
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,080
Fine.
186
00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:43,960
I'll get you some cash for mine.
187
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:47,120
No, no. No, no. Tom, take this. My shout.
188
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,360
Special treat!
189
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:52,360
-Thank you.
-Mmm-hmm.
190
00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:58,960
Oh, Josh, can I please talk to you
for a moment?
191
00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:00,760
Claire too, actually.
192
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:17,280
Are you eating off the microwave plate?
193
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:19,480
Aren't you impressed
I found a clean plate?
194
00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:20,720
(SIGHS)
195
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:22,400
We really need to wash some dishes.
196
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:24,880
I keep waiting
for one of your manic episodes.
197
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:27,080
I put those mouldy pots in the freezer.
198
00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,000
That should hold them at bay
for a couple of days.
199
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:30,840
Looks like you guys need a hand.
200
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:32,360
Stuart! (SIGHS)
201
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,080
What are you doing here?
202
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:36,840
I wanted to come and apologise.
203
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,240
Ah... "Apologise"?
204
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:41,640
Just want to say my piece.
205
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:42,840
Okay.
206
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,720
I'd offer you a cup of tea
but we're all out of cups.
207
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:51,160
And salad bowls. And enthusiasm.
208
00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:58,360
You fucking dorks!
209
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:01,160
Look, guys, okay, I hear you, I do.
210
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:04,080
I just really think
everything's gonna be fine.
211
00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:05,960
All you had to do was put it in her food.
212
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:09,400
Yeah. No, that's the problem, the method.
213
00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:13,520
The method he is using
to drug your girlfriend.
214
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,600
I am a hero, okay? I have taken
the most incredible fall for you.
215
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:17,760
You're enabling him!
216
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,040
You just couldn't handle
the fact that I had the idea.
217
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:22,440
So you had to change the idea to suit you.
218
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,440
No, it's a good plan.
219
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:26,320
Worms is worse than Chlamydia.
220
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,160
-Is it, is it?
-Nah.
221
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,240
Please, just tell her the truth!
222
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:32,760
No, not now that I'm lying for Tom,
223
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,160
'cause then Arnold will find out
224
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:35,760
and he'll realise
what kind of people we are.
225
00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:37,800
Do you actually have worms?
226
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:41,320
Is this your sneaky little way of
putting your worms on my shoulders?
227
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,040
I don't know why you two
don't just date each other.
228
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,640
-You make a beautiful couple.
-Sixteen years for a goldfish? Wow!
229
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,120
Well, it's very obvious
you guys are talking about me.
230
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,280
-We weren't.
-No.
231
00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:51,200
You're blaming the worms on me
because I'm new here.
232
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:52,320
Definitely not.
233
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:53,920
Because I really don't think
that I gave you worms.
234
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,640
-Neither do we.
-I'm sorry if I did, though.
235
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:01,880
No, I still think it's a good plan.
236
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:05,040
Me and Hazel did split up,
but then her mum died
237
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:08,480
and she was so upset, and I'm all
that she has, so I took her back,
238
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,600
and I know that was a mistake
and I know it was unfair to you,
239
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,400
but I just couldn't bear
to see her that upset.
240
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:16,640
Well, it's very sad for Hazel.
241
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,240
Yeah, it was very sad.
242
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:23,520
So, have you got anything else to say?
243
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:25,600
Just that I'm sorry.
244
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,280
Well, that's done, then.
245
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,000
No, sit down.
246
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:34,800
Sit down. I'm not a bad guy.
247
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,600
No, look, I... I think you're fine.
248
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:39,560
(STAMMERS) We've finished.
You probably should go.
249
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:41,880
No, I'm not done.
I'm not going anywhere.
250
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,000
Stuart, you have to go.
251
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,080
How long are you going to do this for?
252
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:02,040
Till you forgive me.
253
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:04,680
All right.
254
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,720
-What are you doing?
-Come on.
255
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,480
-I'm not going. I'm not done, Rose!
-No, come...
256
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:13,160
(GRUNTS) Oh!
257
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,600
I just want you to forgive me, Rose.
258
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,080
-I forgive you!
-That was insincere.
259
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,680
Ugh. I forgive you!
260
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,040
(SIGHS) You're really starting
to bother me now, Rose.
261
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,440
I'm not a well man.
You need to be very careful here.
262
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:29,040
(LINE RINGS)
263
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:31,960
VOICEMAIL: Hello, this is Josh.I am unavailable.
264
00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:34,840
-I am too busy. I am too busy for you.
-(BEEP)
265
00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:36,360
(SIGHING) Josh, er...
266
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:40,760
At the point, to be honest, at the point
when I was accosted by your awful
267
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:42,680
voicemail greeting,
268
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,760
I hadn't resolved my intentions
as well as you might have liked.
269
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:47,760
Now it seems
I've made the same mistake twice.
270
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:50,960
(SIGHS) I don't know what I'm saying.
271
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,480
I suggest forgetting I ever called,
272
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:56,920
and maybe having a chocolate biscuit
or something.
273
00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:03,000
(LINE RINGS)
274
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,560
-BEN: (ON VOICEMAIL) Ben...
-WOMAN: (ON VOICEMAIL) Is not available.
275
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:07,920
-At the tone, please leave your message.
-(BEEP)
276
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:13,080
So... So I think what you were trying
to say but you're too scared
277
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:17,760
or perhaps just too exhausted
because of the way you speak
278
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:21,720
er, is that you're not sure
whether it's worth seeing me again.
279
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:26,200
But you're worried that you might never
get an opportunity
280
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:29,800
to find out in the light of day
how disappointing my face actually is.
281
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:33,400
Does that, ah...
Does that sound about right?
282
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,080
Where have you been?
Grace won't stop crying.
283
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:48,000
-I was just putting the bins out. Hi.
-(SIGHS)
284
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,920
-She's fine, babe.
-Yeah, she was crying so much.
285
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,760
-I promise, she just stopped.
-Okay.
286
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:58,320
I mean, I wish she was crying. I'd get to
pick her up, have a little Grace time.
287
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:00,240
I'm really very worried about Grace.
288
00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:01,640
Worms love babies.
289
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:03,160
Really? Is that a thing?
290
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,600
-Everyone loves babies.
-Maybe your dad should come get her.
291
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:07,800
No, I don't want to ruin
his special night, okay?
292
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:09,920
-We'll tell him when he picks her up.
-If she's got worms,
293
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,160
your dad probably has worms too, you know?
294
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:14,840
Sometimes I wonder how there is anyone
in the world that doesn't have worms.
295
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:17,920
You should call Tom and make sure that
he talks to the pharmacist about Grace.
296
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:20,720
Okay, yeah.
297
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,680
That is... That's a good idea.
298
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,680
(CUCKOO CLOCK SOUNDS)
299
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:28,320
-It'd be silly not to.
-Yeah.
300
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,360
-(LINE RINGS)
-(JOSH SIGHS)
301
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:35,240
Phone's just ringing.
302
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:43,360
-Hey, buddy. Hi.
-I'm properly scared at this point.
303
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,880
Am I going to jail? I feel like at leastsome part of today means jail.
304
00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:50,080
I've accepted the fact that she's gonna
break up with me. That's done.
305
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:51,960
Now I'm trying to decide
how I can explain to my parents
306
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,520
that I'm not going to see them
for a while.
307
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,520
Yeah, we were just thinking,
it might be a good idea for you
308
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,400
to pick up some baby-worming medication
for Grace.
309
00:13:58,480 --> 00:13:59,600
That doesn't exist.
310
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,440
Yeah, no, no, we don't need a treat.
311
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:04,240
Thank you for offering, though.
What a generous guy, what a good guy.
312
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:05,640
I can't handle this!
313
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:08,160
I love you too.
314
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,560
Oh! Why'd you say no to the treat?
315
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:13,600
I'm starving.
316
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,240
Well, fine. I'll just go, then, will I?
317
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:19,640
Okay.
318
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:23,760
"Okay"? That's it, then, is it, "Okay"?
319
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,960
Nice knowing you. Is there
something wrong with you, Rose?
320
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:28,480
Is something wrong with your head?
321
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:29,880
HANNAH: Yeah, there is.
322
00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:31,680
That's how you guys met.
323
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,040
Why can't you see that I'm a good man?
324
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:37,400
What do you think we should do?
325
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:38,800
He'll wear himself out.
326
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:45,000
I'm seconds away from blowing my top here.
Seconds away!
327
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:46,720
Do you think we should call the police?
328
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:48,680
No, he doesn't need to go to prison.
329
00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:01,840
(LINE RINGS)
330
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:04,640
-(PHONE RINGS)
-It's Rose.
331
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:06,800
You'd better answer it.
332
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:11,800
-Hello, Rose.
-(STAMMERING) Alan?
333
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,040
Stuart's broken into my house
and he won't leave.
334
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:17,440
What? Have you called the police?
335
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,360
No. No, I don't want to get him arrested.
336
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,320
-What's happening?
-Stuart's broken into Rose's house.
337
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:24,600
She sounds scared,
she doesn't want to call the police.
338
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,600
I'm not scared, I just want him to leave.
339
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:29,760
Okay, okay. Let's go.
340
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:31,520
Do you think...
341
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,920
Okay. Yeah.
We're coming, Rose. We're coming.
342
00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:38,360
Do we need this?
343
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:41,000
-What? No, Alan!
-I won't use it.
344
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:43,160
-Well, then don't bring it!
-We might need it.
345
00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:45,480
-Okay, you are not allowed to use it!
-I won't, I won't.
346
00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:46,920
Oh!
347
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:48,520
(SIGHS)
348
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:51,440
(PHONE RINGS)
349
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:52,680
Hi, Dad.
350
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,640
-Hi, Josh. It's Dad.-And Mae. How is Grace going?
351
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:57,320
I mean, she is an angel!
352
00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:01,440
Er, look Josh, Stuart's having
some sort of sit-in at your mum's place.
353
00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:02,920
She and Hannah are stuck there with him.
354
00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:04,880
Oh, okay.
355
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:06,680
-Josh, is that your dad?
-Yeah.
356
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,160
You have to tell him about Grace.
357
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,240
What? Tell what about Grace?
358
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:16,560
Okay. Erm, I have worms,
and maybe Grace has worms.
359
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,520
-(CLAIRE LAUGHING)
-Why are you telling us this?
360
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,800
Just, maybe Grace has worms,
and you're gonna have to get her checked.
361
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,560
-How did you get worms?
-I don't know! Who knows?
362
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,320
It's not like they were invited.
363
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:31,040
MAE: Okay, fine. We worm her, okay?
364
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:34,040
-Great!
-ALAN: You'll have to wash all the sheets.
365
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:35,720
Yes, I know.
366
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:39,120
Okay. There's no worms. Practical joke.
367
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:40,680
What?
368
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,720
That's not funny, Josh.
369
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:44,200
Wait, what, there are no worms?
370
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,160
Erm, there are no worms.
Tom has Chlamydia.
371
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:47,720
-Again?
-Yeah.
372
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:51,680
How are the two related? Does he
always lie? I thought he never lies.
373
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:53,480
Maybe that's the biggest lie of all.
374
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:55,480
Okay, well, what do you want me
to do about Mum?
375
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:58,560
I'm just ringing to tell you to make sure
that you keep you and Grace safe.
376
00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:01,720
From the man at Mum's house
who's not here at my house?
377
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,240
(LAUGHS) Your dad is just calling
378
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,480
because he is so excited
he might get to be a hero!
379
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,880
You know, guys, it was probably John
who gave us worms.
380
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,960
I'm sorry to say it, but let's be real.
381
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:13,600
Hi, Grace.
382
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,200
Why is he doing this?
383
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:18,360
Do I get no say in whether my
boyfriend tells people he has worms?
384
00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:20,400
This is the nicest thing
I've ever seen Josh do for someone.
385
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:22,560
I'm calling to tell you where we are
386
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:24,960
so that if anything goes wrong,
you can call the police.
387
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,520
Or maybe you could
just call the police now.
388
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,800
ALAN: Your mum doesn't wantto send him to prison.
389
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:33,040
-Your dad brought a cricket bat, Josh!
-(SIGHS)
390
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:34,880
-(SNIGGERING)
-ALAN: I'm not gonna use it!
391
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:37,680
Bye, Joshie! (LAUGHS)
392
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,400
It was definitely John.
I've seen him licking Josh's face.
393
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,520
-He's licked all of our faces.
-It wasn't John, was it, buddy?
394
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:48,160
I can see it in his eyes.
395
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:49,960
Dead giveaway, John.
396
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,160
Dead giveaway!
397
00:17:57,840 --> 00:17:59,440
Tell you what, Stuart,
398
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:02,200
I'll forgive you very sincerely
399
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:05,000
if you clean the kitchen.
400
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,560
These pills couldn't look any less alike.
401
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:12,000
How is this supposed to trick her?
402
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:13,680
Just tell her we took ours already.
403
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:15,920
What was the point of me
going to the pharmacy again
404
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:17,280
if she's not even going to see them?
405
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:18,800
-(SHUSHING)
-I had to get them to check out the back.
406
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,280
-I want to take them.
-Well, if you take them
407
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,640
then you have to pay for them.
Josh didn't give me enough money.
408
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:24,680
Did you guys take them without me?
409
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:26,720
Yeah.
410
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:28,880
-I thought we'd do it together, no?
-Yeah.
411
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:31,000
You're right, sorry.
We should have waited.
412
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:34,880
Josh, can I have a little sip
of your beer, please?
413
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:36,240
Mmm-hmm.
414
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,280
"Only the dead have seen the end of war."
415
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,200
It's a Plato quote.
416
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:51,280
(LINE RINGS)
417
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:55,320
-ALAN: Hi, Rose.
-He won't budge.
418
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:56,600
I don't know what to do!
419
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,160
We're ten seconds away.
420
00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:01,360
-STUART: Who's that?
-ROSE: Er, it's just Alan, my ex-husband.
421
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:03,840
Oh, no, it isn't.I told you not to push me!
422
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:05,480
So what now?
423
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,000
-What are you doing? Wanna have a go?
-He's running at us.
424
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:12,320
Get out of the car
and protect your wife like a man!
425
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:13,640
What do we do?
426
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:17,560
-Get out of the fucking car! Out!
-I don't think I should get out.
427
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:19,320
-Don't get out of the car, Alan.
-(STUART YELLING)
428
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,600
I'm surprised
this is the first time they've met.
429
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,840
-STUART: Fucking come on!
-It's going really well.
430
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,240
Get out!
431
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:28,200
-Oh, Jesus.
-Out!
432
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:30,400
-Erm, what do we do?
-Fucking get out!
433
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,240
Erm, ask him to get off?
434
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:33,640
Erm...
435
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:36,280
Stuart, mate, can you get off the car?
436
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,120
Not until Rose comes and talks to me.
437
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:39,800
-(SCREAMS) Get off the car!
-You shut up!
438
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:41,320
-(WHISPERS) Shh, don't talk to him!
-Why?
439
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:45,400
Okay. Okay, erm... I'm just going to
take him down the street.
440
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:47,840
Rose, meet me at the kerb.
441
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:49,920
-Alan, you are not a stunt driver!
-We can do this.
442
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:54,360
STUART: Oi, what are you doing? Alan?
443
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:56,640
Alan, don't mess around.
444
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:57,920
Alan!
445
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:00,000
Oi!
446
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:03,560
What are you doing?
447
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:08,800
Just stop there. Just stop!
448
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:14,880
I wanna talk to Rose!
449
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:16,920
Alan, you prick!
450
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:20,480
I just want to talk to Rose!
451
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,120
Hey!
452
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:31,440
-Slow down, you fucking lunatic!
-(MAE GASPS)
453
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,080
ROSE: Thanks for this, Alan. Hi, Mae!
454
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,160
MAE: Oh... Oh!
455
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:48,920
STUART: Tossers!
456
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,480
Poxy tossers!
457
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,840
VOICEMAIL: Hello, this is Josh.I am unavailable.
458
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:55,160
-I am too busy. I am too busy for you.
-(BEEP)
459
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:56,440
Josh?
460
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,360
I think you might be spot-on.
461
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:03,240
I, ah... I'm tempted to say
you don't have to,
462
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:05,280
but now you've backed me into a corner
463
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:07,600
and I don't have much to lose,
I'm just going to say it.
464
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:12,160
Come see me at the hospital
before my aneurysm operation,
465
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:13,720
or you'll look like a proper douche.
466
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,360
-BEN: (ON VOICEMAIL) Ben...
-WOMAN: (ON VOICEMAIL) Is not available.
467
00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:20,160
-At the tone, please leave your message.
-(BEEP)
468
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:22,160
Erm...
469
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:24,680
Okay, okay. Yeah, I'll come.
470
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:39,200
Sex time! It's sex time.
471
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:41,160
No.
472
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:44,360
No, not tonight. I'm just...
I'm really spent.
473
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:46,240
You're spent?
474
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,120
No, Ella, I'm too tired.
475
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,560
You're too tired for sex time?
476
00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:53,520
-I'm just...
-I'm offering you sex here.
477
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:55,240
Ella, I just don't feel like it.
478
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:59,480
Okay. Erm... Well, how about,
I'm going to break Harold's legs
479
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:01,920
-if you don't sex-time me?
-Don't, don't.
480
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:07,280
Oh, Tom, why would you do that to Harold?
481
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,000
-I loved Harold!
-Well, now you know
482
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:10,640
-this isn't a game.
-Ella!
483
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,320
-Three, two...
-Stop. Ella!
484
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:13,640
Just listen.
485
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:15,440
I have Chlamydia.
486
00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:17,400
Oh.
487
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:19,040
Why didn't you just tell me?
488
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,760
'Cause now you're going to
break up with me.
489
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,320
-No, I'm not.
-Yeah, you are.
490
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:25,080
-Why?
-Because of the time
491
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,000
I lied about having a sexual health test
492
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:29,680
because I couldn't be bothered going
across the road to buy condoms.
493
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:32,160
Oh.
494
00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:35,440
Damn it!
495
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,840
Now I have to get angry at you,
and I don't want to get angry,
496
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,200
but I have to
as a way of respecting myself.
497
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,160
And the frustrating thing is that
I don't know what to say
498
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:46,400
because I can tell that you already know
how bad what you did was.
499
00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:48,360
Did you get symptoms?
500
00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:50,880
Did it hurt?
501
00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:53,480
Were you really scared?
502
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:56,160
Okay, good.
503
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,720
Well, if you're in pain and fear,
then I don't have to be as angry at you.
504
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:01,360
It felt really bad.
505
00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:04,680
I'm not going to break up with you,
506
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:06,680
but I need to make sure that you know
507
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:09,040
that that doesn't mean
that I don't value myself.
508
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:11,120
I value myself, okay?
509
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:13,800
The reason that I'm not going to
break up with you
510
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:17,160
is that I too have lied to people
for my own selfish reasons.
511
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:20,400
I'm just a better liar than you,
so I got away with it, okay?
512
00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,640
I understand why you lied,
but I don't like it,
513
00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,520
and if I was the type of person
to get angry,
514
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,680
then this is a situation
where I might slap you
515
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:31,640
or maybe scratch your neck, okay?
516
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:33,920
-Okay.
-Okay, good.
517
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,200
-I'm really sorry.
-Mmm-hmm.
518
00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:38,160
I do have good news.
519
00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:39,520
What's that?
520
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:41,800
I already disinfected you,
and you don't have worms.
521
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:43,840
-That pill was Chlamydia medication?
-Yes.
522
00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:45,840
-That's clever.
-It wasn't my idea.
523
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:53,840
I need you to know that
while I'm touched by the gesture,
524
00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:56,920
what you did today was very, very sneaky.
525
00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:59,080
-Oh, no!
-And I will get my revenge.
526
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:00,600
No! How did Tom ruin it?
527
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:01,840
I wanted to have sex,
528
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:03,800
and there's a seven-day window
where you're still contagious.
529
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:06,640
We did not think this through at all!
530
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:07,760
(CHUCKLES) No.
531
00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:09,760
-Hey, Josh?
-Yes, Ella?
532
00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:14,200
Can you feel my possibly contagious vagina
533
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,160
pressing against your homosexual thigh?
534
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:18,160
Yes.
535
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:19,640
(WHIMPERS)
536
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:21,440
I have exacted my revenge.
537
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:25,600
-Good night.
-Good night.
538
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:28,400
Oh, no!
42245
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