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1
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:05,360
Hey, sunshine.
2
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:09,600
How are you? Are you okay?
Are you... Are you good?
3
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:12,360
I wanted to ask you
4
00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:15,960
if you think me getting an abortion
is definitely the right decision,
5
00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:21,120
because I know that you and I have
talked about raising kids.
6
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:24,080
(STAMMERING) And I know
that it's big... It's a big thing.
7
00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:25,600
But, like...
8
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,680
I don't know, maybe...
Maybe we could, like...
9
00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:31,400
Keep it and raise it together.
10
00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,680
Yes, jokes.
Okay, you're making funny jokes.
11
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:40,600
-Good. Hi.
-I'm not joking.
12
00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:43,800
I'm being totally serious
13
00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:46,240
and now you're making me feel
really weird about it.
14
00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:48,720
Okay.
15
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,200
Why won't you laugh?
16
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,320
I've kept it a very good secret.
Nobody knows. Don't worry.
17
00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:56,680
-I really am a very good helper.
-(DOOR OPENS)
18
00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,400
I'm really nervous about the dentist.
19
00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:01,680
-Not the dentist!
-He's gonna hurt my mouth.
20
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:03,640
Mmm, yeah.
21
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:09,880
Arnold's surprisingly calm about
the trial sleepover at his parents' house.
22
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:11,560
That's all pretty fucking weird, yeah?
23
00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:14,520
-ARNOLD: I can hear you, Tom!
-Well, it is weird!
24
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:18,120
You wanna know what else is weird?
Your confidence levels!
25
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:19,880
I don't come across as confident, do I?
26
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:23,640
Um, Claire's ill,
so I'm gonna take her to the doctor today.
27
00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:28,760
-Is it contagious?
-(BOTH LAUGHING)
28
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:30,400
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
29
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♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪
30
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-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪
31
00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:37,400
♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪
32
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,360
-♪ Oh, yeah ♪-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪
33
00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:41,080
♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪
34
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:43,720
-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪-♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪
35
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-♪ Ooh ♪-♪ I've left better behind ♪
36
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-♪ I'll be fine ♪-♪ Yeah ♪
37
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:49,880
-♪ Yeah ♪-♪ Fine ♪
38
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:52,520
-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪-♪ Eye ♪
39
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BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪
40
00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:57,120
♪ I've left better behindI'll be fine ♪
41
00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:00,720
Oh, I can't believe he's leaving us.
42
00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:02,600
Learned how to use the washing machine
and now he's off!
43
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,360
We've not done enough for you, apparently.
44
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:05,560
You've all been very good to me,
45
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,800
but now it's time I went out
and stood on my own two feet.
46
00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:10,520
-At your parents' mansion?
-Mmm-hmm.
47
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,440
Are those two feet standing
exclusively on a rug
48
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,920
woven from the hair
of beautiful Swedish people?
49
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:16,000
Yes.
50
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:18,200
Bye.
51
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:20,040
Good luck!
52
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:28,880
-Thank you.
-Why did you take one?
53
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:32,920
-To be polite? (LAUGHS)
-Idiot!
54
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,920
-(CHUCKLING) Lot of spelling mistakes.
-Yeah?
55
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,720
Spelled "foetus" four different ways
on this page alone.
56
00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,160
Which is the correct one?
57
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:43,120
F-E-T-U-S?
58
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:44,480
Isn't there an "O"?
59
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:47,240
-F-E-O-T-U-S?
-F-E-O-U...
60
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,280
-F-O-E...
-F-O-E...
61
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,800
-I just have no idea.
-Why don't we know this?
62
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,680
-(BUZZER BLARES)
-WOMAN: Hello?
63
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:56,160
Hi. This is Claire. I have an appointment.
64
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:57,640
I'll be there in a moment.
65
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:01,560
-Are you okay?
-Yeah, I'm fine.
66
00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:03,280
I just hate doctors, that's all.
67
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,400
I am very excited to exercise my right
68
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:08,680
to decide what happens to my body today.
69
00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:11,160
-You look very pretty.
-Thank you.
70
00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:13,480
-What do I do with this?
-Hide it!
71
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:14,840
-Hello.
-Hi.
72
00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:16,080
Thank you.
73
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:23,560
Claire?
74
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,200
-Oh, we just need Claire.
-Okay.
75
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:28,360
He can't come?
76
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:30,480
We just need you to meet initially
with the doctor on your own.
77
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:32,760
-You can stay here for now.
-Okay.
78
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,280
-(CLICKS TONGUE)
-Ooh.
79
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:37,520
Yeah, okay, I shouldn't have winked.
I panicked.
80
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:38,840
No.
81
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,440
Oh, my God. I hate the dentist.
82
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,840
-Yeah, it's the worst.
-Mmm.
83
00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:53,920
-Why is it so quiet?
-I don't know.
84
00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,720
(INHALES) Oh, God!
85
00:03:58,120 --> 00:03:59,520
The thought of lying there,
86
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:02,000
the chair's all back
and you can't go anywhere.
87
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:05,600
The man comes in
and the rubbery fingers in your mouth
88
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:08,040
and they're all squeaking
against your teeth!
89
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,920
He's just... He's just in there, like...
90
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,800
It's just too far in.
His fingers are too far in.
91
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:15,600
Your teeth aren't that far in!
92
00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:18,720
And your mouth's just always open
and you can't swallow
93
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,280
and he's got that sucky thing!
94
00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:23,040
You know, and he only uses it
at the last second
95
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,520
so you always feel
like you're gonna drown.
96
00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:27,400
Is it mad letting me come in to
be in charge of your sucky thing?
97
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:28,960
Don't... I don't think so.
98
00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:31,720
Oh, God! And that sharp, pricky thing.
99
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:35,080
You that awful sharp, pricky, hooky thing?
100
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:37,240
Like that scrapey, hooky thing?
101
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,960
You know in between the...
It's like a scrapey...
102
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:42,680
-Oh, my God, shut up, shut up.
-Oh God, I'm in a real state now.
103
00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:44,120
-I'm in a state now.
-No, I'm serious.
104
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,200
I'm actually quite anxious. I'm all hot!
105
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,640
Why did you bring me with you?
106
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:50,440
I didn't bring you with me.
You just came.
107
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:53,200
Well, you know I can't be by myself.
108
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,160
NURSE: I've got Claire for you.
109
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,560
(MOBILE RINGING)
110
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,000
Hi, Mum. Just a sec, just a sec.
111
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,160
Stuart's cheating on me!He's cheating on me!
112
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,760
-Just push the button.
-Joshua, did you hear what I said?
113
00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:17,880
Thank you.
114
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,040
Sorry, what was happening with Stuart?
115
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,920
Stuart's with Hazel! He's cheating on me!
116
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,280
Hazel is his wife,
so it's not cheating on you, Mum.
117
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:26,640
He's cheating with you.
118
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:29,520
Oh, that's not the right thing
to say, Josh!
119
00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:32,120
Now, you say you're sorry
because my feelings are hurt.
120
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:35,000
Yeah, no, sorry, you're right.
I was distracted. I'm sorry. Sorry!
121
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:37,360
Oh, no, I don't give a shit! Fuck Stuart!
122
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:41,160
Okay, fine, fuck Stuart. (SIGHS)
Why do you think he was cheating?
123
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:45,160
Well, 'cause I read his texts!He... He asked her to pick up oats!
124
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:47,200
That's married! They're so married, Josh!
125
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:48,800
Well, I hope you're not reading my texts.
126
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,720
Look, I'm plotting revenge. I want you
to come over 'cause you're clever.
127
00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:53,480
No, no, I can't.
128
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,600
No, come on. I wanna get him, please!
129
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,880
-I just... I can't, okay?
-Come on!
130
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,640
-I just can't.
-Oh, you're no fucking fun.
131
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:02,960
-(BUZZER SOUNDS)
-Hi, um, this is Josh.
132
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,040
-I was just in there with Claire.
-Do you have an appointment?
133
00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,000
Yeah, I had an appointment with Claire.
134
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:10,520
Yeah, I was just there...
Oh, there was a different nurse.
135
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:12,880
-I'll buzz you in.
-(BUZZER BLARING)
136
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:14,800
-(KNOCKING)
-(DOOR OPENS)
137
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:16,720
This is Josh.
138
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:18,920
-Hi.
-Hi, Josh.
139
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,000
Er, they wanted to pull me aside
140
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,320
to make sure you weren't
forcing me to have an abortion.
141
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,920
Wow. That paints a dark picture
of the world we live in.
142
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,400
I know. Imagine you forcing me
to do anything. Look at you.
143
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,360
I could force, thank you. I'm tough.
144
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:34,520
-Mmm.
-I'm quite tough.
145
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:37,680
-Big tough man. Good on you.
-Thank you.
146
00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:38,840
(LAUGHS)
147
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,720
Uh, how was the ultrasound?
148
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:46,200
Well, there is a baby in me,
which is pretty fucking weird.
149
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:49,040
Gosh. Er, what... What now?
150
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:53,120
Well, Claire has opted to have
a medical termination of the pregnancy.
151
00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:56,680
Now, she tells me you're going
to be her partner through all this.
152
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:57,760
Yes.
153
00:06:57,840 --> 00:06:59,880
So, I want you to hear
what needs to be done.
154
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:01,760
-Okay. Yes.
-Yeah.
155
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:04,360
-Are you listening?
-Yes, I'm here, I'm good, I'm ready.
156
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:08,240
Okay, now, she's already had
the mifepristone,
157
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:11,440
which stops the supply
of the pregnancy hormone,
158
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:14,760
which is needed to keep
her pregnancy progressing and healthy.
159
00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:18,920
Tomorrow she'll have the misoprostol,
which will bring on the miscarriage,
160
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:22,200
which will allow
the pregnancy tissue to pass.
161
00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:25,280
That can be a bit painful.
Everyone reacts differently.
162
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:29,920
It could take a few days
for all the tissue to pass.
163
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,800
Most likely no more than a heavy period,
164
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:36,480
but you should be prepared
to be irritable and emotional.
165
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:37,600
Yeah.
166
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,280
-Okay?
-Yeah. Okay.
167
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:47,160
Did you hear that? She said
you're gonna be emotional and irritable...
168
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:48,800
-Yes. Mmm-hmm.
-Yes.
169
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:50,080
I just want you to remember that.
170
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:53,800
Just so later, if you're angry,
just remember it's not my fault.
171
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,640
Yeah... Yeah, I'll be fine.
172
00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:56,800
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
173
00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,600
Maybe we should write it on your little
wrist, just, "It's not Josh's fault."
174
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,120
-I think I'll remember.
-Okay.
175
00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,720
Maybe get a little... A little band.
176
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:07,600
And instead of saying,
"What would Jesus do?"
177
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:08,680
It can say, "What would Josh do?"
178
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:10,960
And on the other side say,
"Nothing, don't do anything".
179
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,920
You've got no-one else?
180
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:18,000
No-one else in the world
free this weekend?
181
00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:21,040
-Boom!
-Alright, fine.
182
00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:22,880
Everything can be my fault.
183
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,400
-(MOBILE RINGING)
-Thank you.
184
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,200
Oh, it's my mum. This'll be good.
185
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,440
-Hi.
-Oh, Josh! I'm gonna get a gigolo.
186
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:37,000
Uh. Well, you have moved on quickly.
187
00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:39,200
Yeah, I'm gonna get one
with really tight shorts
188
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:40,800
and a really big package
189
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,440
and I'm gonna parade him aroundin front of Stuart!
190
00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:45,880
Yeah? Where's this parading happening?
191
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:49,160
Oh, wherever he is! (LAUGHS)
He's gonna be so jealous!
192
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:51,880
What if he's at his house with Hazel,
his wife?
193
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:54,880
Oh, well, no, I'll figure something out.
Now, where do I get a gigolo?
194
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,520
I don't know.
Why do you even think he'll be jealous?
195
00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:00,400
You've got a prostitute, he's got a wife.
This isn't a win for you.
196
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:03,720
Well, no. Ooh! I'll get a girl, then!
(LAUGHING) That's even better!
197
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:05,720
-No, that doesn't make sense.
-No.
198
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:10,200
Oh... Okay, um... I'll...
I'll keep thinking about this.
199
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:11,880
Okay, good.
200
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,000
(MOBILE BEEPS)
201
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:15,840
I thought you said
she'd been getting better?
202
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,720
Yeah, she's making plans for the future.
203
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:20,440
That's a breakthrough!
204
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,200
(SIGHS)
205
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,040
(MOBILE RINGING)
206
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:51,320
(MOBILE CHIMES)
207
00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:57,640
Hi, Alan... Please call me back.
208
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:07,520
I could register his DNA with the police.
209
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:10,240
You got good contacts in the police?
210
00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:11,880
No.
211
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:16,720
Oh, uh... Maybe... Maybe I could
sneak some laxative into his food.
212
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:19,320
No, I feel like I've seen that.
213
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,840
I could tell him I've got a disease,
like syphilis.
214
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:26,440
Then he'd have to tell Hazel
he's got syphilis.
215
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:29,160
And then he'd also think you're gross.
216
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:30,360
(GROANS)
217
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,000
TOM: Well, not that anyone asked,
218
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:35,440
but today I found out
that I don't have wisdom teeth.
219
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,920
-I'm evolved.
-I think it's hot, like an X-Man.
220
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,000
Hey.
221
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:41,960
Why are there no shit X-Men?
222
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:43,840
-How are all the mutations cool?
-(GIGGLES)
223
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:45,680
No, I imagine
there are loads of shit ones.
224
00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:46,760
They just don't get invited
225
00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:49,480
to Professor Charles Xavier's School
for Gifted Youngsters.
226
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:52,320
Like a guy who's mutated
into having a really dry mouth
227
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,520
and everyone can hear
his lips in Uni lectures.
228
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:56,320
(ALL LAUGHING)
229
00:10:56,400 --> 00:11:00,040
Does Professor Charles Xavier...
Does he just pretend not to see them?
230
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,320
(IMITATING) I see every mutant
in the world with this machine.
231
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:06,280
Oh, who's that kid over there
with the weasel for a penis?
232
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,000
(IMITATING) I... I don't know
what you're talking about.
233
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,560
I just saw his dick turn into a weasel
and he sighed and said,
234
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:13,920
-"Oh, no, not this again."
-(BOTH LAUGHING)
235
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:17,080
-No, you didn't.
-This conversation is shit!
236
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:19,560
-Are you okay? Do you need anything?
-No.
237
00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:22,040
(IMITATING) Well, I... I suppose
we could bring him into the school
238
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:24,360
-to help with the rat problem.
-(LAUGHS)
239
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,160
If we must.
240
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,760
(EXHALES) High ceilings.
241
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:38,480
Yeah, aren't they just fabulous?
242
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,320
Difficult to heat.
243
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:48,960
(CHUCKLES)
244
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:57,760
(MOBILE RINGING)
245
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,720
-Hello. Yeah.
-You're up.
246
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,440
Do you want to come apartment shopping
with me?
247
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,040
No, I couldn't. I just couldn't.
248
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,520
Ah. Alright, alright.
249
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:10,360
-Okay, bye.
-Bye.
250
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:23,200
Okay, she said you take that for pain,
this for nausea,
251
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,640
and you hold these under your tongue
for half an hour.
252
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:28,520
-For termination of pregnancy.
-I know, Josh.
253
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,280
Okay, I will start a little timer.
254
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:39,320
(YELPS)
255
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:42,480
(GRUNTS)
256
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:43,880
Then we wait.
257
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,920
You can't really talk, can you? (CHUCKLES)
258
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:55,280
It's just me. Talk about whatever I like.
259
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:58,440
Ooh, what does...
What does he want to talk about?
260
00:12:58,520 --> 00:12:59,720
Is there anything I want to talk about?
261
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,160
We can talk about, um...
262
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,240
Are we gonna talk about atheism?
263
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:06,520
Do you want to talk about
alternative medicine?
264
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:11,120
-Mmm-mmm...
-Um... Doesn't work, does it?
265
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,640
'Cause you can't really put the word
"alternative" before the word "medicine".
266
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,840
You know? You can put
the world "alternative" before "ideas".
267
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,600
You can have alternative fashion,
you can have alternative music,
268
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:21,440
but you can't have alternative facts.
269
00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:23,440
Claire, I was just saying
you can't have alternative
270
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:25,480
-facts, can you?
-But medicine is not, like,
271
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:26,680
-always facts-based...
-I was just saying...
272
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:27,920
Sorry, I can't understand you.
273
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:29,440
-Um, 'cause you can't have alternative...
-(LAUGHING)
274
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:31,440
Just put alternative before
275
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:35,640
medicine, it's like pointing at a dog
and saying, "That's my alternative cat".
276
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:37,280
It's still not a cat.
277
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:39,080
(LAUGHS)
278
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:47,760
You've been quiet for a long time.
Are you okay?
279
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:52,520
Yeah. Quiet means I'm okay.
280
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,040
If I'm groaning,
that's how you know I'm not okay.
281
00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:00,160
Just... Sorry. I just...
I was worried you might have fainted.
282
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:02,880
One time during the national anthem!
283
00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:05,000
Oh, fuck!
284
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:07,200
(GRUNTING)
285
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:11,720
I'm never, ever, ever
having sex again, okay?
286
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:13,520
Okay.
287
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,840
(GROANING) Ah, fuck!
288
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,160
(HEAVY BREATHING)
289
00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:23,760
(SIGHS)
290
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:27,680
Babe?
291
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,120
Babe?
292
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:36,160
I think it's done.
293
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:39,320
You did it.
294
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:44,040
-Hooray.
-What do I do now?
295
00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:47,160
Uh, I think maybe flush the toilet
and then...
296
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:49,320
Possibly have a shower?
297
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:54,920
-Do you wanna see it?
-No.
298
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:57,320
Nah.
299
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:58,840
Think I should take a picture?
300
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:01,440
Show it to people
when they show me photos of their kids?
301
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:04,840
No. Just flush the toilet, yeah?
302
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,240
-Be out in a second.
-Okay.
303
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,120
(TOILET FLUSHING)
304
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,400
(DOOR OPENS)
305
00:15:56,440 --> 00:16:00,200
So, I made fried chicken,
and I was thinking maybe
306
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:02,800
I'll say some irrational feelings
that I've had over the weekend
307
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,640
in, like, a monotone voice,
and then you can do the same,
308
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,040
and what we'll do is
we just won't judge each other's feelings.
309
00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:10,640
-Yeah?
-Okay.
310
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:12,960
-Okay.
-But I've had a lot.
311
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:14,680
Um...
312
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:19,000
I thought that my politics
313
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:22,040
would keep me safe from my feelings
and I was wrong.
314
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:28,760
Okay. Um, I got jealous
that you could get pregnant.
315
00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:31,680
Um.
316
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:34,040
I dressed up for the abortion clinic.
317
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,480
I mean, that is a nice dress
that you were wearing.
318
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,040
That is a good dress.
319
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:39,600
Yeah, but I think...
320
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:42,200
I just didn't want them to think
I was like the other girls.
321
00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:45,360
I'm furious at myself for thinking that.
322
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:49,560
I accidentally fantasised
about keeping the baby.
323
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:52,800
I picked out outfits.
324
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:55,920
Some of those hilariously
tiny sneakers, perhaps.
325
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:57,480
No. No way. Not on my kid.
326
00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,160
Alright.
327
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,960
-Are we done?
-I mean, I'm out of things.
328
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:10,640
I feel guilty.
329
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:14,800
Yeah?
330
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:16,960
Look, okay, I know you know.
331
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:19,880
Okay, I'll just say you have
nothing to feel guilty about.
332
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:21,960
-Mmm.
-Obviously, right?
333
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:24,680
Yeah well, maybe not guilty. But, like...
334
00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:29,880
Just kind of like a fuck-up,
because flushing the toilet,
335
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:33,640
it just reminded me of that time
I forgot to feed Bert and Ernie
336
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,320
and I had to flush them down the toilet.
337
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:38,760
Yeah.
338
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,480
It's just... This is it. Like...
339
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,320
We're grown-ups. This is it.
340
00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:49,240
We're not practising any more.
341
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:53,560
Shit is getting real, you know?
342
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,120
(SNIFFS) Oh, my God!
343
00:17:56,840 --> 00:18:00,560
No, we're not crying
and eating fried chicken. That's just...
344
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:04,040
Just not an image
we're having in our lives.
345
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,920
Just suck it up, pull it together.
346
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,040
I mean, I think everybody cries
while eating fried chicken.
347
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:11,360
I'm pretty sure tears are
the 12th ingredient.
348
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:12,760
Yeah.
349
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:14,320
(SNIFFLING)
350
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:17,000
You know, when some people get pregnant,
they get to throw a party.
351
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:18,480
I could have had bunting.
352
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,480
Do you want bunting?
I mean, I can get you bunting.
353
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:24,600
If you want,
I can organise shitloads of bunting.
354
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:25,960
-Yeah.
-Yeah?
355
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,240
-(MOBILE RINGS)
-I'm sorry.
356
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,720
Look, it's my mum, yeah? Perfect timing.
357
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:32,800
Definitely.
358
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:36,560
ROSE: I've run out of paint, Josh!I've run out of paint!
359
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:37,880
What are you doing?
360
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,280
No, I'm...
I'm writing a word on Stuart's back lawn
361
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:41,920
and I didn't bring enough paint.
362
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,840
Okay, um, what word?
363
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:47,040
Well, I'm writing the "C" word.
364
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:49,200
The "C" word?
365
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,640
I don't understand. What? Corn? Cuticle?
366
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,960
-Cornelius? Capsicum?
-(LAUGHING)
367
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:57,920
Yeah, but I only got as far as C-U-N.
368
00:18:58,160 --> 00:18:59,520
I'm sorry, I just... I don't understand.
369
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:00,760
What word were you trying
to write, Mother?
370
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,600
(SCOFFS) I can't say it!
371
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:04,240
(BOTH LAUGHING)
372
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:05,480
Have you got me on speaker?
373
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,000
Oh, Josh, take me off speaker!
374
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:10,480
Oh... Oh...
375
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,240
-Hey, Tom.
-Mmm?
376
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:29,320
-Do you wanna be my boyfriend?
-(LAUGHS)
377
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,320
Um, yeah, no, that's... (LAUGHS)
378
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,240
Sorry. Yes.
379
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:38,760
-What?
-(LAUGHING) No, it's good.
380
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,640
-Do you not want to?
-No, I do. I do.
381
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,520
I do, I just thought
that would be something...
382
00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:47,120
That kind of happened organically.
383
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:48,560
Just over time.
384
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:51,800
(SCOFFS) Are you kidding?
385
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:53,680
(CHUCKLING) What?
386
00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:56,640
Oh, my God. This is so humiliating.
387
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,680
No, it's good. This is nice.
This is a nice moment. We are...
388
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:04,160
Two people deciding that
they're gonna be boyfriend-girlfriend.
389
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:06,760
I was just trying to be helpful.
I didn't need clarification.
390
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,400
-I was... I just...
-You're the one who needed clarification.
391
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:12,880
-I just thought it would be organic.
-Can you stop saying "organic"?
392
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,000
You didn't want it to be organic.
393
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:17,160
You kept accidentally referring to me
as your girlfriend
394
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:18,800
and then pretending to be embarrassed.
395
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,680
No, it just slipped out,
because it was easier
396
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:24,080
than referring to you as, "Girl who sleeps
at my house every single night".
397
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:25,800
No, you didn't want it to be organic.
398
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:29,320
You needed clarification.
This is my gift to you.
399
00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:31,040
-Your gift?
-Mmm-hmm.
400
00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:33,720
I don't need your gift. I'm fine.
Maybe I'm your gift.
401
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:37,000
Nah, Tom. You're just a pretty shit guy,
actually. Just a shit guy.
402
00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:39,280
I'm a shit guy? You're crazy.
403
00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:41,320
You're like a cat lady, except not old.
404
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:44,880
Sometimes when you kiss me, I feel
the oil from your nose coat my face.
405
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:46,200
You have no money.
406
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,600
I have self-esteem issues,
so I don't know if I'm with you
407
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:50,720
'cause you're good
or just 'cause you're available.
408
00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:52,440
You're bad at sex.
409
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,080
I can go forever with you,
literally forever.
410
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:58,880
And usually I need to think of something
bad to stop myself from ejaculating.
411
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:00,040
Never with you.
412
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:06,080
-That is so awful. That is just so mean!
-(LAUGHS)
413
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,920
What an awful, shit-guy thing to say.
414
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:13,440
Oh no, I've got another shit boyfriend.
415
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:16,560
(LAUGHS)
416
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:18,560
(LAUGHS)
417
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,120
-(DOOR SLAMS)
-Well, that was fucked!
418
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,880
Hey. Hi! Hey, maybe kiss me on the mouth.
419
00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:33,800
What happened?
420
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:39,360
Uh, we sat around awkwardly for a while.
And then, near the end, my dad apologised.
421
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,280
-Good!
-Then he told me, in his usual tone,
422
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:44,840
where it's just so obvious
he thinks he's being some kind of hero,
423
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:48,120
he tells me he's working on...
Working on accepting it!
424
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,280
-That's good, isn't it?
-No, it's fucked.
425
00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:52,400
Yeah, fuck him.
426
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:54,560
Don't work on me. I'm not a project.
427
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:57,400
I'm meant to be grateful that
you're trying? Just be accepting!
428
00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:59,240
Not just accepting, even. Just be like...
429
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:00,360
-Like, lovely.
-Mmm.
430
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:02,360
-Your dad's a dick.
-He's a dick!
431
00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:05,400
I feel bad for saying your dad's a dick.
I'm sorry.
432
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:07,440
Wait. Arnold...
433
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:09,920
Are you having a bad day?
434
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:13,640
-Mmm.
-Claire's having a bad day.
435
00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:15,040
Yeah.
436
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:17,600
What are you saying?
437
00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:20,200
Today's the day.
438
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:22,240
Today?
439
00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:23,440
-ELLA: What day?
-What day?
440
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:25,760
-Uh, the day.
-What day?
441
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:29,440
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
442
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:35,640
TOM: Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Cardboard Metropolis,
443
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:38,240
the most populous city in the world.
444
00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:39,360
Hey!
445
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:44,360
Uh, Cardboard Metropolis has survived wars
and tsunamis throughout all of history.
446
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:50,920
But nothing could prepare the great empire
for the devastation of Johnzilla!
447
00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:56,360
-Ah! Johnzilla! Whoo!
-(GROUP CHEERING)
448
00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:58,160
(GROUP LAUGHING)
449
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,880
CLAIRE: Tom, you should
show a video of this activity
450
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:02,600
to all the new people that you meet,
451
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:05,120
and then you'll never have to explain
why you were never popular.
452
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:18,680
(FANFARE)
453
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,800
John? What are you doing?
Destroy the city.
454
00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:33,400
-Oh, yeah, John's a pacifist.
-Did you put any dog food in there?
455
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:36,680
I put so many treats in...
No, John, you gotta... This...
456
00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:40,640
John, crush Card Broadway.
457
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:42,960
JOSH: Don't you do anything
you're not comfortable with, John.
458
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,680
-(TOM LAUGHS)
-Well okay, I don't know now 'cause...
459
00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:49,840
-I've set up all the cameras, haven't I?
-(GROUP LAUGHING)
460
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:54,120
It's expensive and he's not...
It's rubbish.
461
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,200
Claire, you seem quite angry
for some reason.
462
00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:58,480
Do you feel like crushing
some civilisation?
463
00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:00,120
Yeah, okay.
36061
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