Original subtitles

TOM: Still sad.

Still feeling sad.

Yeah.

How about now?

Sometimes I think I would be happiest

if I could talk myself into enjoying sex with prostitutes,

and just give up on girlfriends.

Tom, that is bleak, even for you.

Do you think you could enjoy having sex with prostitutes?

No, I think I'd be too considerate of their feelings.

I'm not hideous, though.

Like, they get heaps worse dudes than me. I'd be a relief.

-(LAUGHS) Yeah, you'd be a treat! -I would be a treat.

-What a gift! -I'd be a massive treat.

-(LAUGHS) -(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

-Oh! Hi. -Hey, babe. It's me, babe.

Oh, hey! Babe!

-ARNOLD: Er, what time tonight? -Er, 11:30.

-Are you going out tonight? -11:30? That's too early.

-No-one will be there. -TOM: Do you need a chaperone?

'Cause I forgot to take my clothes out of the washing machine

and now they smell weird.

(LAUGHS) No.

-Tom, you can't come. -Tom cannot come...

-You're not doing safe dates any more? -ARNOLD: We've never been out alone.

-No, no safe dates. Hardcore dates. -Well, what am I meant to do?

I don't know. You'll have alone time. Okay, I'll see you later.

ARNOLD: Okay!

-Is your heart fluttering? -Yeah, I'm really happy! I'm sorry.

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪ -♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooooh, ooh ♪ -♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪ -♪ I've left better behind ♪

-♪ I'll be fine ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Fine ♪

-♪ Make my mamma turn another blind ♪ -♪ Eye ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ay ♪

♪ I've left better behind I'll be fine ♪

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

JOSH: Oh, we should go to, like, a bed.

Like a, like a private bed.

Why are we... Why are we here?

-Hi! -Oh, no! No!

Oh, my God. He's no good.

Yeah. Patrick, where are your friends?

Don't know.

Okay, I know this sounds bad, and I promise I'm not into him, but...

(SIGHS)

I'm his friend, you know, I can't leave him.

Oh, no, no, no, that sounds thoroughly decent.

Patrick. Patrick! Patrick!

Josh!

Yeah, Patrick. Patrick, what did you take?

You have to get me out of here. I'm not good. I'm not good.

(GROANS)

Okay. I... I don't know where he lives.

Okay, let's do this. Let's rescue your ex-boyfriend.

(STAMMERING) We weren't really boyfriends.

You okay, yeah? Okay?

All right, come on...

(RINGTONE)

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

-NIAMH: Tom. -Hi, Niamh.

-What's up? -TOM: I, er...

I found your boots that you left here.

Oh, my boots. I love those boots.

Yeah, you wanna come pick 'em up?

Tom, I'm not coming over to have sex with you.

Erm, I've just, er,

been thinking about you a lot.

Lately.

Tom, we're never having sex again.

Just never, ever, ever.

Okay, well, we could just play video games.

Goodbye, Tom.

JOSH: Patrick, where do you live?

Where do you live?

-I don't know. -Yeah, you do.

-I live at your house. -No, you don't.

Oh, that's right.

You kicked me out because I wouldn't let you have sex with me!

-Hmm. -You're so mean, Josh.

What do we do with him?

Well, we could just, like, wait?

Nah, I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.

Do you ever talk about me in therapy?

Erm, not really.

She just asks me silly questions,

like, she asked me what ten-year-old me would think of current me.

Ten-year-old you would be disappointed

that you didn't build a butterfly sanctuary.

Yeah, okay.

I told her that ten-year-old me would be disappointed

that I wasn't still seeing my friends,

'cause when I was ten, my friends were everything to me.

When I ten, my friends were Tom.

-No way. (CHUCKLES) -Yeah.

I just don't believe you don't talk about me. I'm interesting.

-You talk about me. -Okay, yeah, you come up.

-What do you say? -Er, I can't tell you.

Erm, charming? Do you use the word "charming"?

(LAUGHS) No.

-No? -(LAUGHS) No, I didn't.

Er, personable? Handsome? Mighty?

No, not those, like, specific words.

Er, vivacious?

Turbulent, vague, flustered.

Mmm, no. No, I don't like that at all.

-Josh! -(IMITATING) Patrick!

You passed out.

(GROANING) Fuck.

Where do you live?

-I can walk. I'll just walk there. -No, we'll take you.

Who are you?

-(INDISTINCT) -I'm Arnold. We met at your birthday.

Arnold, yeah! (LAUGHS) Arnold!

-Oh, shit. -Okay, we have to follow him.

-Patrick? -Let's go to the beach! Come on!

No, we're not going to the beach.

(RINGTONE)

WOMAN: Hello?

Hi. Is this Candace?

CANDACE: It is. What's your name, sweetheart?

-Tom. -Hi, Tom. How are you?

Good, thanks. Erm, I was just wondering how much it costs?

My call-out fee is $350 per hour.

(SIGHING) Erm... Er...

I only have $320.

Oh, I'm sorry, baby. That is my fee.

Okay, erm, what if, like, we didn't do the whole thing?

Like, maybe just third base?

Which is third base?

Er, it's oral? Third base is oral, I think?

-Mmm, okay, I can do that. -Oh, cool.

Should I come now?

Er, maybe in, like, an hour? I just gotta run to the ATM.

Okay, and, Tom, I just need you to have a shower too, okay, sweetheart?

Yeah, cool.

PATRICK: You came!

JOSH: Yeah. We wouldn't miss it!

I have to piss.

I think I'd be pretty good at therapy.

Would you like some free therapy?

(LAUGHS) All right.

Arnold, what's wrong?

(LAUGHS)

-Erm, okay. -Mmm-hmm.

Erm, I use up most of my energy worrying that I'm doing things wrong

and that everyone is just thinking I'm a big idiot.

No. That's irrational. Nobody's taking any notice of you.

Nobody cares about you. Just stop doing that, yeah?

Boom! Therapy! Next problem.

-Er, I have some issues with my dad. -Yeah?

You know, about me, like, not playing football

and just liking the colour pink...

-And butterflies? -Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, butterflies.

-You like butterflies, yeah? -I get it, I like butterflies.

Okay, well, it doesn't matter what your dad thinks because you're an adult,

so, just move on.

-Boom! Cured! -Wow. Okay, well, I don't know!

I just... I guess I feel like I'm not good enough.

-Oh, babe! No, you're good enough. -(LAUGHS)

-You're great! -"Good enough"?

-Yeah, yeah. -Just enough.

Boom! Therapy! Healed! No charge.

-Incredible. I feel better already. -Not one dollar.

Erm, Patrick's naked in the ocean.

Oh! Oh, God, no.

Patrick! Patrick!

Patrick!

ARNOLD: (LAUGHS) Bow-chicka-wow-wow!

(ARNOLD HUMMING MELODY) Now, take it all off.

Patrick!

ARNOLD: Yeah! (LAUGHING)

Patrick!

What the fuck are you doing?

-You came to rescue me. -(SIGHS) Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, what a loser. Oh, my God.

-I miss you. -Yeah, okay, you don't.

You just don't. Can we please... Can we please go in?

Patrick, can we please go in?

No!

-I just... -I think maybe I love you.

You don't. No, you don't.

Come on, no. Let's go. Let's go in.

No. You suck. In we go.

Hey, Arnold! Arnold?

Arnold!

Arnold!

-Where are you going? -I just...

I saw you guys kissing and I just want to give you some space.

No, Arnold, I'm not into him.

Yeah, you are. I know you are. It's okay, I get it.

He's more fun than me anyway. I'm high-maintenance.

No, Arnold, man, I want to hang with you.

Josh, I'm the wrong choice... A bad choice.

No, I mean, I... I don't think so.

Josh, I just... I just...

I want to go home, okay? I'm just sick!

I think you're all right. I think you're a good choice.

-A solid choice, I think... -(PANTING) No!

You know, I would like to be boyfriends.

No, we can't, okay?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

-What is happening here? -Panic attack!

Okay, what do I... What do I do?

Nothing, absolutely nothing!

(GROANING AND PANTING)

Just don't touch me, please! Please don't touch...

Do you need me to, like, call an ambulance?

No! Just no ambulance!

Do you want me to... I can, like, give you some nice compliments?

You just need to shut the fuck up and leave me alone, okay? Please!

Okay.

(CONTINUES GROANING)

Oh, fuck!

(PANTING)

I'll be over here when you're ready.

(STAMMERS) Tha... thank you.

I'm sorry! Thank you.

(ELECTRIC RAZOR WHIRRING)

-(KNOCKING AT DOOR) -(JOHN BARKS)

-(KNOCKS) -(BARKING CONTINUES)

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

PATRICK: I'm gonna go home now.

Do you know how to get there?

I live just up there.

-Can I talk now? -Yeah.

I think I have to go. My dad's gonna propose.

Okay.

Er, what do you want to do?

Do you want me to take you home?

-Hospital? -Oh, fuck!

I just don't think I can go in the middle of the night.

Do you wanna come watch my dad propose?

I'm not going in a hot air balloon.

Yeah, of course.

Guys, we're here. Sorry I'm late. We're here! I'm here!

Hey, mate!

-Hi. Yeah. -(LAUGHS) Oh, look at you!

I told you he'd struggle with the early start.

-Why are you sandy? -Oh, we went to the beach.

Right. Arnold, yeah?

We met at Josh's cart, and the zoo...

-I'm not going in the balloon. -Oh, thank heavens!

They won't let us take the baby up.

What do you mean they won't let us take the baby up?

Yeah, the man just said. There's no way. It's not possible.

Oh, that's nonsense. I decide where the baby goes.

-You can take her. -I can't take a baby.

Yeah, Arnold's delicate.

-No, no, no, I'll have a word to him. -No, no, no words.

Everyone just breathe out and you can take care of Grace.

I can't take care of her. Oh, God!

Oh, nonsense. She is tiny and she doesn't do anything.

I thought I was just gonna sit in a field and watch the sunrise.

I'm so sorry.

-MAE: Okay, come! -ALAN: Come on, fellas.

(MAE SQUEALING EXCITEDLY)

Gee, you can really feel the radiant heat, can't you?

Feel the warmth against your face, Josh?

Yeah, definitely feel it. Definitely feel it.

-So beautiful up here! -Mmm-hmm.

Except when I look at your face. Your face look awful, Josh.

Big night. Big night.

PILOT: All right, guys, we're about halfway there,

so we're gonna start our descent in about ten minutes.

-Mae? Mae? -Huh?

What are you doing?

Erm... I think I'm gonna stand up, actually.

Mae...

Oh, my God.

From the moment I met you, I knew that my life was about to change.

-(LAUGHS) Oh, my God! -Erm, and...

And you deserve so much more than I can give you,

but it's the least I can do to stand here and to make this official.

Oh, my God!

-You're my best friend, you... -(FLAME ROARS)

-(SHOUTING) You're my lover. -(LAUGHS)

You're the mother of my child!

-What? -You're the mother of my chi...

(FLAME QUIETS)

(FLAME ROARS)

Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife, Mae?

(FLAME QUIETS)

Will you marry me, Mae?

Oh, Alan!

(LAUGHS) No! No.

What?

Oh, this is so sweet, but you know that I don't want to get married.

-Wow! -Oh.

(RETCHES)

-MAE: Josh! -JOSH: Oh! Sorry!

-Sorry, guys. -Josh...

(SIGHS)

-Look! -JOSH: Oh, wow!

-Oh, my God! -Hi.

-JOSH: Look who's here. -You brought my parents from Thailand?

-Yeah, because I thought, you know... -Oh, jeez!

Hi!

(KIDS SPEAKING)

Mum! Dad!

No. No.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

(ALL SPEAKING THAI)

We're so happy for you!

Proud, very proud.

Stop it, OK?

I said no.

He's feeling emasculated.

Try not to look disappointed.

Why did you say no?

You stupid girl!

You want Grace to go to hell? Is that what you want?

-What... What did they say? -(CLICKS TONGUE)

Sorry, things got out of control and we got pretty smashed.

Yes.

Oh! One day with Josh

and you're checking yourself back into a mental home, Arnold?

-Why? -We don't call it that, Rose.

Oh, er, we do, don't we, Hannah?

Yeah, we have.

Er, Arnold, I couldn't fit my body wash in. You can have it.

-It's oatmeal. -Thanks, Hannah.

I'll probably be back in a couple of days.

-Oh, nonsense. Did you bring my car? -No, I couldn't.

-Oh, that's okay. Hannah's got a car! -Oh, it's a very nice car.

Oh, okay, erm, I guess I'll help you with your things.

No, no, no, don't, Josh. I can do it. I can do things.

I need to do things, all right?

I'll come back later, I'll bring your car over later.

Rather you didn't. You better get on with your own life.

(SIGHS) I get on! I get on with my life. I have a life.

Being alive is not the same as having a life.

All right, Arnold, let's get you settled in.

Oh, this is so weird.

I mean, like, isn't it weird?

Like, just as we're leaving, Arnold's checking back in?

I mean, that's really weird!

Oh! Oh, sorry.

Oh! Er, see you!

Come on, Hannah. Shall we go? Let's go.

Okay, see you, Josh! Bye!

-Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye, bye, bye! -See you, Hannah.

-Looking good, babe. -Thanks, mate.

Do you want me to stay?

I think Arnold just needs a bit of a rest, Josh.

Yeah, do you... Do you want a rest?

Yeah, I really do.

-Okay. -Okay! Let's go on. Thanks, Josh.

I use that at home. That's nice of Hannah.

(SIGHING) Ah, this is nice, isn't it?

It's pretty good.

(CHATTER ON TELEVISION)

Oh, Hannah! Oh, gosh!

Oh, wow, no, not at all.

Oh, good call. Absolutely right.

-I'm... -I did not read that right.

-I'm really flattered, though. -Oh, don't be.

I, erm... I did not want to do that.

(GASPS SOFTLY)

I thought it was what I was supposed to do.

-Panicked. -Never mind.

♪ Bring me a higher love ♪

♪ Bring me a higher love ♪

♪ It's this higher love I've been... ♪

-(CLICKS) -(MUSIC STOPS)

JOSH: Why are you listening to sad music?

If you're sad, you shouldn't listen to sad music.

You should listen to something fun, you know, like Beyoncé.

Always Beyoncé.

I've decided relationships aren't for me. I'm not doing them.

I'm done with love.

Tom, if you never fall in love, then I'll be your deepest relationship.

-Yeah! -Tom, I would be your "the one."

Meh. We have fun.

Tom, you can't be my "the one."

Yeah. You have Arnold.

-No. No, no, I don't. -What happened?

He had a breakdown. He had, like, an actual breakdown, Tom.

I'm trying really hard not to take it personally.

-Great. -No, Tom. Not great.

Did you know that we've been friends since we were ten?

Yes.

What do you think the ten-year-old you would think about you

if he could see you now?

Uh, ten-year-old me just wanted to sit in the dark

and play computer games and eat chips.

(CHUCKLES) Wow, ten-year-old you would be just so happy with you, yeah?

-Yeah. -Nailed it!

You know people always say you should listen to your inner child?

Mmm.

-I don't think that's a good idea. -No.

-Do you want to play Mario Kart? -Er...

Or bake, or make rose-flavoured popsicles or whatever,

or I'll let you straighten my hair again?

(LAUGHING) Yeah.

You know I'm, like, here for you, right?

Well, you have nowhere else to be.

Yeah. No, er, I'm gonna go.

Oh, no.

-Yeah. -Decoupage?

(LAUGHS)

Sorry.

I, erm, hired a prostitute last night

and when she turned up, I hid in the dark.

So, if you run into any pimps, that's what that is.

Okay. I'll keep an eye out.

-Turn my music back on. -Nah.

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

(WHISPERS) Hi.

(WHISPERS) Hey.

Hey.

Josh, I... I really meant it

when I said I'm in no place to be boyfriends.

Yeah.

Josh, I can't handle it.

Yeah.

We aren't being boyfriends, we're just two buddies having a nap.

I can handle a nap.

Yeah.

There we go. Yum, yum, yum. Yum, yum, yum.

(PANTING)