Original subtitles

-[ Indistinct shouting ] -Keith! Keith, rescue me!

We have to get weekend visitors in, in order to survive.

[ Cheering ]

Go, Frank!

You're the first one

to be let out in the wild.

Just drive.

I don't like people who fight dirty.

Every time her name gets mentioned,

you start acting shifty.

No, I don't.

KITTY: Before you rethink all your plans,

are you really convinced she's back for good?

I'm not doing another thing until it's all legit!

ROYSTON: The ugly face of capitalism.

Hey, why don't you have a go, Keith?

-Raise some money for charity. -Me?

Yeah. And we can all throw wet sponges at the big fat coward.

You know, things are gonna be different

now that Carys is on board.

Danny.

I still don't know why she did it.

I'd have given her the world to have made her happy.

Some people just never find the right daffodil.

[ Up-tempo rock music plays ]

WOMAN: Keep your foot flat on the floor,

toes pointing forwards.

Breathing in, come up.

That's great. Doing really well.

Walk your hands over to your left,

and bend the left knee and stretch the right leg.

That's it. Let's do one more of those to the other side.

Up and over. Walk your hands across.

And as you breathe out, drop down and bend your knees.

Come to a nice, relaxed forward bend.

Fingertips to the floor. Let your head hang.

-Stretch out your hamstrings. -[ Laughs ]

Relax here for a moment.

Admiring the view, fellas?

Dad? Are you ogling the yoga instructor?

Yeah, yeah, just my style.

CARYS: Disgusting.

STIP: Great turnout, Carys.

CARYS: See? Yeah. Told you it would take off.

Yeah, yeah. Detox weekend. Great idea.

Nobody's drinking in the bar. Nobody's eating in the caff.

But we sold out of mineral water.

WOMAN: Breathing in, come up. That's great.

Doing really well.

Walk your hands over to your left

and bend the left knee and stretch.

Let's do one more of those to the other side.

Up and over. Walk your hands across.

And as you breathe out...

[ Seabirds crying ]

Whoa!

The super-duper crispy fried Tanya deluxe whopper.

With extra bacon on the side. On a weekday?

You trying to give me a stroke?

It's an apology for being an idiot.

What, generally, or about something specific?

You know what.

For giving you the third degree about...

Look, I should've kept my big beak out.

Okay, Tan. Apology accepted.

But you just need to know that the reason I didn't give you

all the gory details was because I wasn't hiding anything.

-Yeah, I get it. -It's just not that important.

It was like a million years ago. It's all a blur.

Like trying to grow a mullet out

and fancying the Spice Girls.

[ Laughs ] Which one?

-All of them. -Oh.

Come here.

But you are my favorite.

Mad Spice.

Mum, you seen my Tangle Teezer?

[ Groans softly ] Middle-aged PDAs.

-What? -Public displays of affection.

This is why teenagers have issues.

Hey, us middle-aged? I'm 37!

Are you? [ Grunts ]

[ Both laughing ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Got it?

Yeah. Like I told you.

Ticks all the boxes, doesn't it?

Mum! I'm not four!

I was only gonna say goodbye.

Do not attempt to kiss me.

Ah, here's Chloe.

She'll look after you, won't you?

Yeah, course I will.

For real? A babysitter?

[ Groans ]

Ta-ra, love.

Well, I'm -- I'm sure he'll be fine.

As long as he avoids the underage drinking.

Apparently there's no alcohol.

At least before lunchtime.

See that was -- that was a joke.

-[ Door closes, engine starts ] -Uh...

-Hiya. -Hello, love.

I'm a bit behind. Would you give us a hand?

How's he doing?

Looked like he was walking the Green Mile.

He'll be fine.

Just needs to mix in with the local kids.

That one on the left there,

that needs some extra chia seeds.

That's for Todd.

I've been thinking about our next event.

We should capitalize on

all the healthy aspects of being out here.

Hey, hey, hey. Look, tiger.

I know you like a theme, all right,

but holidays are all about letting loose and running wild,

stuffing your face, and spending the readies.

So let's just balance out the health bit, yeah?

All right, Dad. Point taken.

Hey, can I get extra honey in mine?

Coming up.

So, who's known for heavy drinking?

Our five-a-side football team was legend.

One year we got banned from every pub in Betws-y-Coed.

Just what we need,

a gang of marauding hooligans running amok.

One Jazzy Jaffa and one Skinny Minnie!

You got your loyalty cards?

-JASE: I do. -TODD: Ta.

-We were never destructive. -Ha.

All right, apart from that thing with the wheelie bin

outside the town hall during the mayor's procession.

But accidents does happen.

Hey, these themed weekends --

You know I used to be in the army, don't you?

He was a P.T. instructor.

Well, that's it! You could run us a boot camp!

You know, hard-core, out in the wild,

survival of the fittest.

Just the regulars, and then we'll open it out later.

And at the end, we will have a big booze-up.

Best of both worlds. What do you think?

Well done, daughter.

No, not me. Not a chance!

But I know exactly who could do it, though.

She's the toughest of the tough, queen of the mean.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not Delilah.

[ School bell ringing ]

Rhodri is a fly-half

and captained his last school to the under 14s semifinals

of the regional championships in Cardiff.

He also plays lead guitar,

so we look forward to him entertaining us

at our end-of-term prom night.

Ah, you'll have to clear that

with my agent first, Mrs. Llewellyn.

[ Laughter ]

Ah, yeah, very good.

Um...

Ah, yeah, um, our next new joiner is Dylan McManus.

Although his mum was born in North Wales,

Dylan has grown up in Manchester but has recently moved here.

Dylan enjoys watching TV, his PlayStation,

and is a huge supporter of Man U.

But we won't hold that against him, will we?

Ladies and gentlemen. Daffodil Dunes Delight.

Normally £2.75 each.

Special offer just for today -- £1.50.

-What is it? -It's a mocha-choca...

-Macchiatto! -KEITH: What she said.

Oh, is it the green one?

No, coffee. Ooh, me first.

Get in the queue.

I'll have one -- with me staff discount on top.

It is a bit cheap, isn't it?

Are we making any money out of that?

Shut your face and drink.

The spray cream goes out of date tomorrow.

Oh, and you owe me 14 hours overtime this week already.

Right, well, I'll just eat this wedding cake,

and I'll come and sort you out.

-Want this? -[ Dog whines ]

No chance.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Now, there's a man not at all concerned

with his blood sugar levels.

Hello. I thought we said Friday night for dinner.

Yup. But I come bearing gifts.

Take a look at that.

"My client, in respect of Daffodil Dunes Leisure Park,

would like to make an offer of..."

£850,000.

Blimey, how did this all come up?

We're not even on sale yet.

Local grapevine. Surveyors. People talk.

What do you think?

Good, isn't it?

Here we go. Beautiful Welsh bangers.

Cooked just the way you like them, Dyl.

I'm not hungry.

Well, that's just rude.

Granddad's been stood for ages cooking all that.

FRANK: Don't worry about it, son.

We'll just keep them to one side.

Just as good cold.

Going to my room.

Hey.

Don't worry. He'll settle, all right?

It's just like when I came here. Everybody hated me.

And now everybody loves me.

Well, one or two of them do.

Have a little look at that.

So, what do you reckon?

-Rubbish! -What?

Somebody offers us nearly a million quid,

and you're gonna turn your nose up at it?

I mean, have I raised a little Kardashian by mistake?

Oh, firstly, how do you even know who the Kardashians are?

And secondly, why would we sell at that price?

Well, you know, it's a good offer,

and we shouldn't be greedy.

Well, I thought the plan was to build up the business, invest.

Why not sell it in a couple of years for two million

or in 10 years for five?

10 years?

I mean, darling at my age I can barely guarantee 10 minutes.

Just because Mum...

That could happen to anyone.

She was just one of the unlucky ones.

Yeah. Yeah.

Look, darling, I know all about your plans to update it

and give it a big makeover.

But why don't -- why don't we just take it,

sit back, and enjoy the fruits, eh?

I mean, someone has just dropped out of nowhere

and offered us a great big pile of money.

Well, exactly. Why the rush?

[ Rooster crows ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Can't believe it's come to this!

Gratitude!

I fixed all that grouting last night!

[ Line ringing ]

It's me.

Can you spare me a bed for the night?

-ENZO: Why? -I've been evicted.

ENZO: What for?

What for?

I -- I -- I didn't tidy my room.

[ Laughing ]

Day two in the...

Once they get to know you, you know?

Why don't you do your "X Factor" impressions?

Or the Floss? That's hilarious.

[ Up-tempo dance music playing]

-Can I help you? -I don't know. Can you?

I don't know. Can I?

It depends.

I'm looking for some old pals of mine.

You got the coordinates for Disgraceland?

First right, third along. You'll recognize it.

[ Sighs ]

Thanks, Danny. There you go.

Cheers, Frank. Here you go, sir.

-What a lovely pub. -Oh, thanks.

It must be a little gold mine,

being right next door to the caravan park.

Yeah. We tick over quite nicely during the summer.

Be even better when we get our winter program up and running.

Maybe I should come and talk to you about it.

Maybe we can do some joint events -- bonfires, fireworks?

DANNY: Yeah, give us a call.

Cheers.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

Well, certainly planning ahead.

So you haven't talked about the offer yet?

-Yes. -And?

We're not selling. Not at that price.

Oh. I thought it was a good, solid starting point.

It is.

But once Dad's paid his corporation tax

and all his legals, what's he left with?

-Barely enough for a bungalow. -Bungalow?

I'll have you know I did nine miles

on my static bike yesterday morning.

-Bungalow... -You know what I mean.

It's your retirement fund,

whatever way you want to look at it.

Well, the market has been rising,

but you know what they say --

What goes up... [ Chuckles ]

Definitely not tempted, then, Frank?

Look, Iona, we're really grateful for your efforts,

but I think it's best if you drop us off your list

for a couple of years.

We just don't want to be wasting anybody's time.

Absolutely. No problem.

I'll go back to them, tell them you've declined.

[ Barking ]

Look at the state of you.

-Been liming? -What?

-Hanging out. -Ah.

On a school night? Can hardly keep your eyes open.

And if you went out partying, where was my invite?

Wasn't like that. Had to stay at Enzo's.

How come?

I'm sad to report

there's been a few disagreements at home past weeks,

resulting in Mam and Dad booting me out.

To be fair, you've had a good run.

How old are you? 60? 62?

53!

And what's wrong with Enzo's?

Oh, you know his missus. Right nutter.

Kept shouting in Italiano all night.

Kicks off about everything.

Very passionate creatures, the women of Napoli.

Napoli? She was born in flipping Newport.

What am I going to do?

Nowhere to stay around here. Everywhere's full.

Frank says he's all booked up.

Gonna have to buy a tent or something.

Don't be stupid. Mi casa es su casa.

-What? -"My house is your house."

-You mean I can kip here? -Course you can.

You'll have to just roll with beach life, though.

Embrace the elements.

All about nature.

In the summer,

nothing better than sleeping outside under the stars,

the gentle lapping of the waves...

Ah, sign me up for a bit of that! [ Laughs ]

You'll have to buy your own hammock, though.

I'm not sharing that with you.

[ Laughs ] I've never slept in one of them things.

Looks right comfy.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Bell clanging ]

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Ooh! Ha-cha!

TODD: It's like "Rocky IV."

She's done 200 squats already.

Uh, so -- so, Delilah,

what have you got planned for the boot camp?

I want them to taste hardship, fear, and loneliness.

Mm. That's gonna work well on TripAdvisor.

What exactly is your USP?

Well, Delilah, our unique selling point

is that whatever you want, we've got it.

North Wales -- capital of adventure tourism.

They need to be tested, pushed to the brink.

That big hill we passed. That might work.

-How many recruits have I got? -Uh...

Yeah, well, uh, my advice is definitely oversubscribe.

Not all of them make it.

Just concentrate on the big finale, yeah,

the big finishing party.

Delilah's nights out are legend, trust me.

Yeah, how about a couple of rounds on the house

before you start, Delilah?

Total abstention during ops.

She's hilarious!

She can drink any man under the table.

Park it, soldier! They where the bad old days.

I haven't touched a drop in five years, eight months,

two weeks, and four days!

Now I'm in total possession of my senses.

Focused!

I've never felt more alive!

Hyah!

I thought you said she was the ultimate party animal.

Well, she was.

Cha-pa! Hoo!

Great. Another weekend with no bar sales.

I might as well join the Amish.

Ha-cha! Boh!

[ School bell rings ]

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Indistinct talking ]

[ Players groaning ]

[ Whistle blows ]

Scrum down! Yellow ball.

Loser.

That's Manchester, Dylan.

What did you say?

I said the girls' team are playing on the other field.

[ Indistinct talking ]

MAN: Get it, boys.

Go on, Dylan!

Get after him, lads! Get after him, lads!

[ Echoing ] Go on, Dylan!

[ Triumphant music playing ]

[ Music stops ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Seabirds crying ]

Ladies and gentlemen, we need volunteers!

24 hours in the wild, surviving on your wits,

testing your mettle, going to hell and back.

So it's in Holyhead, then?

[ Laughter ]

Oh, come on, people.

This is your big chance to get out of your comfort zone,

start a new fitness regime, get back to basics.

I'm doing it!

Come on, we should try it, Keith.

Under the stars, us against the elements, living for the moment.

"The Hungry Years."

-Come on, it'll be romantical. -Yuck.

Eating sludge and drinking sweat out of a sock?

No, thank you.

I'll do it.

-Yeah, I'll have a go. -Fantastic!

Any more?

I forgot to say, apart from your rations,

it's completely free

Did she say free?

I think so. Get your hand up!

Ah, great!

If you just come over here,

I need you to sign some disclaimers.

Tan, just saying, but if we both go, who's gonna run the pub?

Well, it's your name above the door, lovey.

You tell me.

Right.

Have one, Keith.

[ Snoring ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Groans ]

[ Dishes clinking ]

Do you want me to rustle you up a bacon sandwich?

I'm not hungry.

All right. What about toast?

I said I don't want anything!

Dylan! Don't talk to your granddad like that.

Sorry, Gramps. Just not feeling well.

-Stomachache. -It's all right, mate.

I'm sure it's just the excitement.

New school and everything.

Mum, I was thinking...

Maybe I should stay off today?

Go upstairs and get yourself ready.

I'll wait in the car.

So, what do I do about that?

[ Sobbing, blows nose ]

I can't -- can't help it, Ol.

I'm an orphan!

I've just seen your mam and dad

half an hour ago up the high street.

I mean, they've abandoned me!

Ah, you mean they've kicked you out finally.

Should have done it 30 years ago.

I don't know what I'm gonna do, Ol.

I'm homeless.

I've got a spare room. I was gonna Airbnb it anyway.

60 quid a week, all in.

And no bringing anyone back.

And no putting your feet on my soft furnishings.

And definitely no snoring.

Oh, cheers, Ol! I could hug you!

Don't!

There you go, love. Huh.

[ Dog whines ]

Yeah, I know.

We all miss her.

Anyway, that's all the news for this week.

The main thing is you keep -- keep an eye out for our Dyls.

He's in a bad way. He just needs a friend.

I mean, even if it's a nerdy one.

And, well, all this selling-up thing, I can't be sure.

I thought it was a nice, neat sum,

but Carys feels different.

Anyway, it's just a money thing, innit?

What's that gonna get you, eh? Bigger house? Flasher car?

Better dog?

Bron...

[ Exhaling sharply ]

How does she do that?

I don't know.

But my bingo wings are aching just watching her.

This is gonna be proper hard-core.

I wish I'd known before we signed up.

DELILAH: Warm-up! Not to be shirked.

Hoo-cha!

Mand, that accidental death cover we took out --

It -- It is fully comprehensive, isn't it?

ENZO: You're shacking up with Olwen?

TUCKER: Don't put it like that. I'm just renting a room.

ENZO: Yeah, right.

She's gonna be a like a surrogate mother.

Joan Crawford, eat your heart out.

-Who? -Joan Crawford!

She was a famous Hollywood movie star.

-Adopted loads of kids. -Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, wait till she has you up at 2:00 in the morning

scrubbing the bathroom floor with your toothbrush!

It's gonna be sweet, I telling you,

because underneath that outer spiky shell...

There's a spiky inner shell.

Don't worry, darling. You'll be all right.

Anybody got the number for Childline?

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckling ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Indistinct shouting, music playing ]

[ Indistinct shouting, music playing continues ]

Company, Ol?

Get back in your room.

I've got guests!

Oh. Sorry.

Good night, Ol.

MAN: Was that your lad?

That great big overgrown lump?

Don't be ridiculous!

[ Laughter ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

98, 99.

Mission accomplished!

What can I do for you, fella?

I, uh, was wondering if you had spaces

in your survival course.

I got spaces. Have you got what it takes?

I think so.

-Or "I know so"? -I-I know so.

-Are you sure, soldier? -Yes, ma'am.

I don't tolerate slackers.

Not on my watch.

I'll be A1, top of the class.

That's good to hear.

Good to have you in my unit, soldier.

Convene 0600 hours, here, full kit list.

Back to basics. Year zero.

Living off the land.

Man versus nature.

Right.

So I'll, um, I'll not bother with a packed lunch, then?

DANNY: Whoa, Bear Grylls, eat your heart out.

[ Both chuckle ]

Shall I smuggle in some dry roasted?

It's up to you.

I thought it was all about eating flies.

Yeah, I don't want you passing out.

Me? I'm not going.

Like you said, someone's got to run this gaff.

I am.

I only said that 'cause she's going

and I didn't want to feel left out.

How many times? Carys and I are not --

Oh, shush. I know.

I know. That's what I'm trying to say.

That I've been stupid.

And this is the kind of thing that you love,

and you need a break from this place, so...

Go. Have a good time.

You sure?

Yeah.

Come here.

[ Laughing ]

FRANK: Go on, I'll see you, Enzo.

ENZO: Bellissimo. [ Laughs ]

FRANK: A jack and a two?

You can't win with that!

It's my boyish smile.

My old mama used to tell me that I would go far.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, not far enough.

Aaaah!

Bloody hell. It's Rambo.

More like Dumbo.

You been watching "The Deer Hunter" again?

I'm at a crossroads in my life.

Things have to change. I've reached a decision.

This is the new me.

I'm gonna lose weight, shape up,

and be the man I know I can be.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, well. Maybe it's not me really, then.

Hey, don't worry.

We love you just the way you are.

Hey, get off.

Hey, you need a woman. That's what's missing.

Saddo. I'm getting you on a website.

Stick him on eBay.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, my flaming luck. I've got a hand like a foot.

Well, I'm folding.

Hey, so, Tucker, your ideal women --

What would she be like?

Ohhh.

She'd be blond.

She'd be gorgeous.

And she'd be walking towards me right now.

So this is where the high rollers hang out.

Right. Uh, gentlemen, this is, um, Iona.

I'm sorry, bad timing.

But I have some exciting news.

Right, um, give us a second, fellas, will you?

ENZO: [ Chuckles ]

-Ohhhhh. -[ Men murmuring ]

So I told that buyer that you weren't interested.

And, what, you've found another one?

No.

He immediately increased his offer.

Considerably.

CARYS: So you areselling up.

I didn't say that, darling.

She's waltzed in with a better offer,

and you've decided to jack it all in.

Look, it would appear that this buyer is very keen.

And who exactly is this mystery person?

I'm gonna find out, okay? Make sure they're genuine.

I thought I'd move back here, make a go of things,

get things spruced up like they used to be.

Or we could have an easy life.

That's what you want, is it? To just give up?

Call it retirement?

Play dominoes and talk about your new shed.

Travel. See the world.

Who with, Dad?

Mum's dead, your friends are all working,

and the last time you went on an adventure

you got a dodgy back,

and your best mate ended up in a wheelchair!

Have a nice time at the boot camp, darling.

Dad...

So you got a pass out, did you?

Tanya offered, yeah. Not a problem, is it?

Well, this is a good start, isn't it?

Crack of dawn, she said. 6:30 sharp, she said.

It's nearly quarter to.

Come on, Bravo Two Zero, where the heck are you?

Maybe she's out fighting

or got in with a bad load of pensioners in Llandudno.

-I'll call her. -I wouldn't if I were you.

She doesn't frighten me.

Oh, she will.

So, this Delilah -- So, what's her story?

Is she married?

Well, she's been engaged. Four times.

-Whoa. -Four?!

Yeah. Runaway Bride we used to call her.

Remind you of anyone?

Maybe they just weren't man enough for her.

Maybe she's just not one of those types

who's ever happy with what she's got.

[ Whistle blows ]

I said file at MGRS,

precision level 10 meters, not 1 meter!

-What's she saying? -We're in the wrong place.

10 press-ups each!

Watch out, Raj.

-[ Laughs ] -No, I'm not doing that.

I'm just gonna...

Amateurs!

Make it 15!

Hoo! Hoo!

Huh? 15 what?

Hey!

Is she doing 15 of these?

Yes! Yes!

Whaaa!

You know, a good way of making some friends

is to ask one or two of the boys over for their tea.

Why would I ask anyone?

They're not my mates.

Well, I know, not yet they're not.

Can I give you a bit of advice?

Yeah, I know, I know.

But I'm gonna say it anyway. Your mother...

-What about her? -Pain in the neck. Agreed?

Control freak. Agreed?

But I tell you the one thing she's not,

and that's scared.

She's frightened of nothing. Never has been.

-So? -Just jumps in there.

Headfirst most of the time.

But at least she has a go. She always has.

And one thing she doesn't do is lurk around on the sidelines,

worrying what people are thinking of her.

Because that will get you nothing in this life.

All you can be is you, Dylan.

If they like you, great. If they don't -- pbht!

That's their loss.

Just don't be afraid to let them know

exactly who you are right from the start.

You put some out, and you get some back.

Go on, scarper.

My door!

Go on, Todd!

[ Grunting ]

Sloppy! Is that the best you can do?!

Start over!

She's back to her most evil! Come on.

I think your foot's caught. Do you want me to untangle you?

No. I want you to leave me here.

I'll start a new life. Tell my family I love them.

DELILAH: Eyes on the prize! Focus!

That's the only way to defeat the enemy!

When she says that, who does she mean by the enemy?

Everyone she's ever met, I reckon.

Depends how you look at it, Mand.

It could be the Russians, Middle East, North Koreans.

TODD: Come on, Jase, keep up.

[ Laughs ]

KEITH: Mand? Mand?!

RESHMA: Come on, Raj!

-Fat. -Excuse me?

Fat is the enemy.

It's a weight-loss boot camp, remember?

-Oh, yeah. -KEITH: Help!

Well done! Keep going! Come on!

Come on! Keep going! Keep going!

KEITH: Help!

Keith! We never leave a man behind!

-Come on, everyone! -DELILAH: Man down!

MAN: Come on, Keith! Come on!

Get him out.

I can't feel my legs!

[ Grunting ]

-That's it. -Well done.

Great teamwork. Cracking!

And this is just the beginning.

[ Blows whistle ]

Tire!

Grab the rope!

Come on! Quick!

RAJ: She's sat in it!

Face the front!

-Face the front. -[ People groaning ]

Come on!

MAN: Come on.

-Pull! -[ People grunting ]

-MAN: Come on! -Work!

Work! Work, work!

[ Blows whistle ]

Come on, lads! Hurry up. We haven't got all day.

Right.

Come on!

Right.

We've got trials for the first-team squad today.

No one's position is safe, so I want to clock some effort.

Am I making myself clear?!

-Yes, sir! -Yes, sir!

Am I?!

-Yes, sir! -Yes, sir!

Good. Right.

We've also got some new blood here today.

Make sure you make them feel welcome.

Yeah. Go on, hand them out.

Right! Let's see what you're made of.

DYLAN: Lucas!

I'm free! I'm free!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

I'm free!

I'm open!

I'm free! Pass!

I'm free!

I'm open! I'm free! Pass!

Lucas?

I'm free! Pass!

[ Whistle blows ]

What have I said about pulling shirts?

Who's taking it?

-Me! -Me! I will!

You're joking. Who are you?

-I'll take it. -Dylan.

[ Boys groaning ]

[ Indistinct talking ]

BOY: Sir, he's useless.

You better not miss.

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Crowd cheering]

Yeah! Ha ha!

Good night!

Did you see that?!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

[ Crowd cheering]

-Yes! -Dylan!

Check your six.

RAJ: Six? Check your what?

Starving. Did you bring them crisps?

Yeah, but she confiscated them, said they were contraband.

DELILAH: Stop!

Look around, soldiers.

Tell me why this is a good place to camp.

We can build a shelter with all the branches and stuff.

Yes. And?

We're hidden from the enemy.

Good. What else?

It's next to the shop?

Build your best shelters.

Well, toss a coin.

I can't just do that, Stip.

Why not? Heads, shall I sell?

Tails, shall I go out with this woman who's all over me?

Yeah, but that doesn't settle anything, does it?

I mean, what if I don't like the way it falls.

Easy! Make it best of three.

Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

I mean, the thing is, well, selling up,

that's not altogether my decision now anyway.

-But Iona... -You're liking her.

Well, you know, she's possibly annoying,

she's definitely bolshie, and very likely high maintenance.

Yeah. She's growing on me.

Well, that's great.

You need a companion at your age.

[ Laughs ]

You know, I'm even beginning to wish that Bron would,

I don't know, send me some sort of a sign or something.

What, like a big white feather or lights flashing on and off?

Yeah, something like that.

Maybe she sent her in the first place.

TODD: Perfect!

Nice bit of decking would look a treat, yeah?

Delilah warned us not to help him.

Yeah.

Uh, we'll go get some wood for the fire, shall we?

Yeah, cheers, mate. Nice one.

I'm telling you, Mand, something's bitten me.

Think it's one of them

horrible blood-sucking parasites.

It's athlete's foot, Keith.

A million people suffer from it.

KEITH: No, no. This is beyond, this is.

I think it's infected.

What if it's one of them flesh-eating bugs?

I don't think you need to worry about that around here, Keith.

It's too much of that Discovery Channel!

It puts terrible things in your mind, Keith,

and you just won't let it go.

Ohh!

This is why God created caravans!

I get the message -- survival and all that --

but we really got to kip out here?

-Looks like rain to me. -It's only for one night.

Come on, gang.

The whole point of this

is to test our powers of survival out in the open.

It's all right for you!

Your place is like "Grand Designs"!

That's another thing. What are we gonna do about the loo?

Mand doesn't do well without her comforts, do you, love?

I'm just not the same without my straighteners.

Can't we just sneak back to the site?

Yeah, no one grass on us. How's she gonna know?

-Hoo-cha! -Aah!

Five hours, 38 minutes, till dusk.

No food gathered, no beds made.

You're all standing around like a bunch of old women

feeling sorry for yourselves!

Where's your gumption?

Is this what made Britain great?

Is it?!

Has anyone got any talcum powder?

All right, Granddad?

Can me and my mates go in the pool for a bit?

Yeah. It's £5 each.

Cheers!

[ Beeping ]

"I'm a Nonentity... Get Me Out of Here!"

Where's Ant and Dec when you need them?

Mate, it's too damp.

You're gonna need to go collect some tinder.

Yeah? Why don't you go get it, then?

It wasn't me that dropped the matches in the puddle, was it?

This isn't fun anymore.

Can we please go get the patio heater?

-My fingers are frozen. -How long, boys?

You can help me out if you want, Raj.

Hang on, hang on. I'm an idiot.

I always keep one of these in my pocket

for the part-time smokers in the beer garden!

-[ Cheering ] -Oh, Danny!

Thank God you're here!

I mean, um, I was sensing a mutiny.

-Oh, yes! -Get it going, get it going.

Get it going. Oh, yeah.

They'll shut up moaning once they're warm.

Right, gonna try and get a signal, give Tan a call.

RESHMA: Hey, Mand, did you bring any marshmallows?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

BOY: Hey, Dyl, have you seen this?

DYLAN: Oh, I've seen that one!

Oi, mate, come look at this.

Oh, I've seen it. Wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

Oi, come here. Dyl, Dyl, Dyl.

-Which one's that? -Oh, God!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

-Ohhh! -Ohhh!

-Oh! -Hey!

[ Grunting ]

MANDY: Look at us!

Like something out of an Enid Blyton.

More like "Blair Witch."

Oh, come on, this is all right, isn't it?

Hey, we should have a sing-song after we've eaten,

'cause we just can't take any more, Delilah!

[ Laughter ]

So that's dinner tonight...

...breakfast...

...and one emergency snack.

Hang on, so that's three meals?

Yeah. What did she call them? K-rations.

Just enough to make sure you don't starve.

It's all right, Keith. You'll manage.

The trick is you've got to spread them out,

wait until you're really hungry.

I did a tour out in Belize once, lived off them for two weeks.

-Thanks for that lovely story. -Yeah, that's the trick, Keith.

Why don't you actually spread yours out now

in front of us so we can see it?

Why don't you...

Oh, Keith! Have you scoffed all yours?

Well, I had a starter, a mains, and a pudding.

-I was starving! -Well, I'm not sharing mine.

No!

No.

Not a bad little garrison, this.

I've just been on a recce. Extra tuck.

I picked up a few things on my travels.

A bit of seaweed and some elderberries.

You got your bunks sorted?

Works out quite well with four couples.

You keep each other warm.

Oh, no, actually it's not four couples.

It's three couples and two singles.

Whatever.

[ Blows whistle ]

Wake up!

-Wake up! -Oh!

Wake up!

Wake up!

Wake up.

I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake.

Eyes on the prize!

I'm broken! Just leave me to die.

Can't we just throw her off the side,

do us all a favor?

"Oh, I've got a good idea.

Let's get queen of mean to run the boot camp."

Don't you start. We can do this, guys!

Best foot forward, all right?!

I swear this is murdering me!

Keith, you can't keep stopping.

Where gonna be here till Christmas.

KEITH: Oh, well, thanks for the support, Amanda!

MANDY: I am sick of hearing you and your stupid foot.

KEITH: Me?!

What about you going on about your frizzy bonce?

[ Sighs ] Just man up.

Come on, Keith.

It's only another 40 miles to go.

I've got to get this boot off.

Man up? Man up?

I'm in agony!

Answer me truthfully.

Okay.

It was really quite tasty, actually.

Like chicken.

The toad.

Though a bit of a mayo and a few chips on the side

wouldn't have gone amiss, mind.

Do you think people are actually enjoying themselves?

Um...

Being dragged screaming out of bed at 5:00 a.m.

and made to trudge up a freezing cold hillside...

Yeah. What's not to love?

You think people would pay for it?

Yeah.

I'm sure there's a load

of sadomasochists out there somewhere

who'd love all this.

Go on. What have you done?

Nothing.

I've kind of signed her up once a month for the next year.

I'm surprised Frank went for that.

Not without checking it out for himself first.

You haven't told him, have you?

[ Sighs ]

Look, you're trying stuff out.

I'm sure there's a market.

I mean, we all signed up.

Yeah, but would you have paid 299 quid for it?

-How much?! -Uhh!

I've got to stop doing mad things

on the spur of the moment.

Go on. You go and catch up with them,

and I'll wait down here with Keith.

-Mandy? -Keith?

-CARYS: Mand? -Keith?

[ Groans ] We've lost Keith.

Carys, we've lost Keith.

Keith!

[ Seabirds crying ]

Hello.

I thought I'd just pop in and surprise you,

return the compliment.

-That okay? -Oh! Anytime.

Always a pleasure.

Tea? Coffee? Tequila?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

So this is your H.Q., eh? Yeah.

It's not as James Bond villainish as I expected.

I thought there'd be a map of the world on the wall

of all the places you're planning to take over.

Huh. Oh, yeah, yeah, I've got one of those.

But it's just Trearddur Bay and Bangor.

Oh, and a couple of backstreets in Beaumaris.

FRANK: Oh, right, yeah.

And no cocktail cabinet, either?

Oh, well, I'm sorry to disappointment to you.

Okay.

You haven't just come here to mock my office furniture.

Either you're madly in love

and you just can't keep away from me --

Which is totally understandable. So many men are.

Surprised you got past the queue outside.

Or you'd quite like to walk out of this office

a nice £1.2 million richer.

Yeah, well, let's just keep it strictly business, okay?

But I'm definitely interested.

Really?

-We have a deal? -Not quite, no.

It's a lot of money, but I really want to meet the buyer.

I'm afraid that's just not possible, Frank.

He's based in Fort Lauderdale,

and he very rarely returns to the U.K.

Surely he's gonna come over to see what he's getting.

He trusts me.

I've told him everything he needs to know about the site.

Well, Skype? FaceTime?

Listen, Frank, he's the real deal.

You don't need to have him checked out.

The thing is, I just want to confirm a few details.

Look, I don't mean to be disrespectful,

but £1.2 million to him...

He's probably got more than that lost down the back of the sofa.

Wow! Fair enough. So who is he?

He likes to remain totally anonymous.

Look, it's much less hassle for you.

And he's more than happy to settle the whole thing remotely

and let the lawyers take care of all the details.

Iona, I'm absolutely certain you know your onions.

My main concern is for the village.

I've already told you. He's keeping the site open.

That's one thing you really don't have to worry about.

So is it a yes or a no?

It's a maybe.

Aah!

Gah!

Oh!

[ Groaning ]

You all right, Keith?

I tried scratching my foot on this rock.

Next thing I know, it's on top of me.

Oh, don't worry, mate. We'll get you out.

I shouted, but they're too far ahead!

-I'll keep trying. -Let's have a look at you.

I doubt you'll get a signal up here.

And this weather looks like it's closing in.

If she's got any sense,

she'll take them down along the pig trail,

which means they won't be coming back this way.

Shall I try mountain rescue?

Yeah, you do that. They'll be here in no time.

-You okay for a minute? -[ Grunts ]

DANNY: Good man.

You can keep trying, but this is serious.

His pulse is slow. Must be the shock.

And we do not need him passing out on us.

His foot is trapped with that rock on top of it, yeah?

So me and you are gonna have to pull him out.

Okay.

How you doing fella?

At least it's not itching anymore.

-That's the spirit. -CARYS: How is this gonna work?

-It'll give us leverage. -A coat and a pair of trousers?

Just trust me.

It's weird. Is it a fireman thing?

No, it's a "stuck up a stupid hill in this stupid weather

with the most annoying women I've ever met" thing.

Now shut up and take your jeans off.

What?!

It's not long enough. The pulley.

Hurry up!

How you doing, mate?

If anything happens,

tell Mand there's £2,500 in the freezer in the garage.

It's in a Neapolitan ice cream container.

She won't be needing it.

She didn't know. It -- It was for a rainy day.

Come on.

Right. Get down there

Now, then...

Take this end. Hold it tight.

When I say three, pull.

Listen to me now, Keith.

You're gonna have to stay really still for me, okay,

and keep your arms out the way.

Good man.

Right. You ready?

One.

Two.

Pull!

[ All groaning ]

Pull!

Pull!

DANNY: [ Panting ]

Keith?

[ Wind blowing ]

Same time tomorrow, then, Olwen?

Oh, and it took me nearly 40 minutes longer

to do the same as I've always done

now there's three of you.

I know, darling.

I'll put some more money in your wages, all right?

That's Carys' bloke, isn't it?

Yeah.

Frank. She around?

Need to talk to her.

Keith! You all right, love?

WOMAN: That's it. Up you get.

[ Gasps ]

[ Laughing ] What the heck happened to you?

Oh.

So is this the bit when you tell me it's not what it looks like?

FRANK: You staying for something to eat, Liam?

Depends.

Hey, look, whatever's gone on between you and Carys,

you are always welcome here, all right?

That boy needs stability.

I know she's your daughter, Frank,

but how would you feel if you turn up at your kid's school

and find out he's moved to another flaming country...

Another country?

I mean, we're barely 90 minutes down the A55, Liam.

...and no one even bothered to tell you?

I thought you talked it all through,

got it cleared.

Well, Frank, she didn't.

Just like she does a lot of stuff off her own bat.

Leaves a trail of destruction everywhere she goes.

I'm not taking sides, Liam, all right?

But are you surprised she wants a new start?

People split up. It happens.

They don't need to up sticks and kidnap their kid!

Hey, come on! Kidnap your kid?

I mean, you've got a new life. Why shouldn't she have?

-[ Door opens ] -It's none of my business,

but if you cheat on your missus,

you can't expect her to be cooperative.

Whoa! She said I cheated on her?

I am one dirty, disgusting, filthy thing.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

[ Singing in Welsh ]