Original subtitles

"What is a wife?"

On this day,

I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.

Nice going, ace.

You're getting married, not retiring from baseball.

"Kirsten, I... "

What, sweetie?

You having a tough time?

No, not really.

I've got some good ideas.

I just want it to be...

This is the most beautiful thing

I have ever read in my entire life.

I asked her to take a look. You know, check the grammar.

You think?

- Stop it! - You guys?

You've gotta read this.

Read what?

Wow.

Why aren't you marrying me?

If anyone

ever said something that romantic to me,

I would just faint.

Right on the ground. Boom. Gone.

What is this?

Absolutely not!

You'll hear it during the ceremony

and not a minute before.

Boy, Charlie,

she really loves you.

I mean, that part about...

Don't.

I'm going to start crying again.

Where's that collection of quotes?

- I know we had one. - It's downstairs.

Come on, you can't come up with,

like, a minute's worth of wedding vows

without cribbing off of somebody?

Would you just get me the book and be quiet?

Yes, sir.

God, what's so hard about...

"I love you. I wanna be with you forever"?

Yeah, what's so hard about it?

♪ Everybody wants to live ♪

♪ Like they wanna live ♪

♪ And everybody wants to love ♪

♪ Like they wanna love ♪

♪ Everybody wants to be ♪

♪ Closer to free ♪

♪ Closer to free ♪

Are you bringing anybody to the wedding?

A date? No. Are you?

No. Griffin never would have come, anyway.

He probably doesn't even own a tie.

Sarah's gonna look great.

She's gonna walk in, she's gonna look great,

and she's gonna be with Will.

It's bad enough I have to see them here every stupid day.

They're so...

In the halls, by the lockers,

in the cafeteria.

In the parking lot.

Justin, hi.

I'm late for gym.

Since when does that matter?

Hey, listen, you know what's Saturday?

Sophie B. Hawkins concert.

Remember, we bought tickets three months ago.

Those great seats. I thought maybe we'd...

What?

Go together?

What's the deal?

He's out of the picture, so now you're running back to me?

We're supposed to go together like nothing ever happened?

No, no, that isn't...

I was gonna ask you if you wanted my ticket.

Yeah, sure. What the hell? You have it on you?

- It's at home. - Okay.

Well, I'll pick it up later or something.

You're welcome.

You remember the best birthday party you've ever been to?

With, like, a, uh... I don't know,

like a really great clown or something?

A clown?

Got milk?

That's good, that's good.

Well, whatever.

That's kind of what a bachelor party's like.

Only, uh...

Only what?

Only eight or nine more years,

and we'll actually be able to finish this conversation.

No. No, of course I'm not mad.

Just get back to bed, and I'll check on you tomorrow.

I love you too.

Kirsten, what's the matter?

Charlie cancel the wedding on you?

That was my sister.

I can't...

She has an ear infection.

She can't get on a plane at least until Sunday.

So? She'll be here for the wedding, right?

But...

See, we were supposed to spend the night before my wedding together.

You know, just spend some time, bond,

like we did before hers.

It was gonna be this tradition.

Sorry.

Hold it.

Hold it, what is this?

The hangover brigade?

Well, a good scout's always prepared.

Okay, scout. Raise your right hand.

- Why? - Do it.

Now,

promise me, you're not gonna get him drunk.

You're not gonna bring porno films.

I don't need Charlie comparing me to that.

Oh, and you are not gonna hire some stripper

who wants to coax him into one last sleazy hurrah.

Oh, well, why don't we just hold it

at the public library?

I'm not kidding, Dudley.

Swear! On... your grandmother's life.

Not Nana.

All right, okay. I promise. I swear.

Thank you.

- Bailey. - Hi.

Just the person I wanted to see.

- What's up? - Little problem.

Kirsten just made me promise

that I wouldn't be responsible for anything too "out there"

at the party tomorrow night.

Aw, man. Bummer, huh?

Here's the interesting part...

She didn't say anything about you.

Here, I found it.

How much I owe you? Twenty-five?

You don't have to pay me.

I don't want you to pay me. I'm giving it to you.

Forget it.

I don't wanna owe you anything.

- What are you talking about? You wouldn't. -Uh-uh.

I'm not gonna let you buy your way out of feeling bad.

I'm not.

Wh-what am I supposed to do? I said I'm sorry.

Justin, I'm just trying to make things better between the two of us.

I don't want things to be better.

'Cause you know what I figured out these last couple of months?

We don't need to be friends.

I don't need you.

Fine. If that's how you're gonna be,

then don't let me offend you

by trying to do something nice for you.

I'll just go to the concert.

Hey, wait a minute, I already invited Robin Baratz!

Yeah, well, tough!

Guess once they schlep in the folding chairs,

it's official, huh?

So I don't know if Dud told you or not,

but I'm in charge of this bachelor party thing now.

And all systems are go.

I mean, it's gonna be wild.

It's gonna be...

Whew.

And if you have any special requests,

you know, stripper-wise, then...

Bay, um...

I mean, would you hate me if I asked you to bag this?

This party?

Bag it? How come?

I don't know if I'm gonna have time.

I mean, I gotta pick up my tux.

I've gotta go to the travel agent.

I've gotta finish writing these vows.

I mean, the truth is, I gotta start writing them.

And...

And you don't think that the sight of a half-naked woman

dancing around a hotel room wouldn't inspire you?

It'd inspire me.

Cheers.

All right, so what part are you stuck on here?

It's the... It's the "forever" thing?

The "death do you part" part?

Oh, wait a minute, I know.

It's the "forsaking all others" stuff.

That's what's throwing you.

No, it isn't.

Oh, wow.

I... I was just kidding.

You're really sweating this.

I am not.

You shouldn't be. You shouldn't be.

I mean, it's Kirsten.

You're not gonna do any better.

- She's it, Char. - I know that.

- Well, then what's the problem? - There is no problem.

I'm fine. It's fine.

Are you sure?

'Cause I can go, I can call the hotel

and I can cancel it.

Dud and the other guys, they'll live.

No, I wanna do it.

Really, this is gonna be great.

We're gonna do it.

The party's on.

Bay! Bailey!

Yeah?

It's for you.

Something about confirming a stripper.

Oh, that's...

We're getting the house repainted.

- But you knew that. - Mm-hmm.

Now I'll tell one.

Hello.

Yes, yes, it is. Right, right, right.

Excuse me.

No, I'm still here.

- Almost ready? - Just about.

She was so cute, offering to fill in for Meg tonight.

She booked massages for us, rented movies...

Oh, did you talk to the photographer?

- There was a message. - I asked him to come half an hour early.

- Did the florist ever call back? - Not yet.

- Make sure the machine's on. - You going out already?

I didn't think the party was until later?

Yeah, I'm going over early to work on my vows.

Oh, okay.

Have fun tonight.

And try to be home in time just to get a little bit of sleep.

- Gotcha. - Okay.

We're getting married tomorrow, Charlie.

Is that something or what?

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Sorry.

I love this song.

I hate it!

Justin, this was our song.

Exactly.

Shh.

You Bailey Salinger?

Yeah. Yes.

Oh, this isn't my beer. This is my friend's.

- I was just holding it... - Relax, I'm Honey.

The entertainment for the bachelor party.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

Bailey, everything, uh... Everything cool here?

Yeah, everything's cool. Everything's cool.

This is... Honey.

This is, uh...

This is Dudley and Neil and Leo and Greg.

- Hey-hey. - Hi, Honey.

Hey.

- Howdy. - You're the stripper?

I prefer "sartorially-challenged."

What does, uh, "sartorially" mean?

Naked.

- What floor? - Fourth.

- So you got the tapes? - Got 'em.

- You got the booze. - That's it?

Nobody would sell to me.

It's lucky I talked some guys at Sip and Shop into buying this.

Oh, jeez, how pathetic.

So, officer.

Are you gonna read me my rights?

I'm hoping you can and will hold it against me.

Oh, like I've never heard that one before.

Uh-oh.

What the...

Yes...

Oh, this has gotta be a joke.

Very funny, Dudley!

Dud, that you?

Yeah!

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

It's my husband.

I'd introduce you, but I think he's busy.

Aw, man, I'm...

I'm sorry.

We just got this new answering machine.

I... I guess he didn't know

that if you pick up the phone, it keeps taping.

Oh, it's a hell of a way to find out, don't you think?

Oh, I don't know what I'm doing here.

If I knock on that door...

Do you want to, um... just talk?

I mean, I'm just... I'm right over here.

Claudia, forget it. It wasn't so terrible.

Where's that heating pad? Is it in here?

I swear it said "Healing Massages" in the Yellow Pages.

I mean, how are you supposed to know

how to say, "Stop torturing me" in Romanian?

Believe me, I'm learning it before I go back there again.

Could you put the news on?

I wanna hear what the weather's gonna be like tomorrow.

Uh... In a minute. I-I like this song.

Please, God, don't let it rain.

Oh, I bet the pad's upstairs.

- Wait, wait, wait! - What?

- What's going on? - Shh. Listen.

It's a little loud.

We have some requests and dedications.

The next song goes out to Kirsten with love from Claudia.

- Claud! - Surprise!

That's so sweet. What song is...

It's the wrong song, you stupid jerk!

Well, you're not too sentimental, are you?

Hey, I said play something romantic.

Oh, I know you did. I'm sure you did.

But it's funny, Claud.

I mean, really, it is.

Come here.

Thank you very much. We're gonna take a little break.

We'll be back in a minute.

- Ow! That was my foot! - Sorry.

- Are you? - You know what?

I'm gonna go find someone else to sit with.

Do you have to be this mean to me all the time?

You know, it's not like things have been great for me, either.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Well, I would've sent you a card,

but Hallmark doesn't make one,

"So your boyfriend's in prison."

Justin?

What?

Isn't that your dad?

What's he doin' here?

Who's that woman?

- Justin, maybe it isn't what you think. - Son of a bitch.

Yeah, well, what did it look like to you?

Did it look like a business meeting?

'Cause that's what he told my mom.

Wait. Don't go yet.

No, no, no, I gotta get out of here, okay?

Open spaces.

Wide open spaces.

A big field.

Uh-huh. All right, thanks.

They're still working on it. They said not to go anywhere.

Everybody's a comedian, huh?

Julia is at the hottest show in San Francisco.

Claud and Kirsten are out getting massages.

Will and Sarah are probably giving each other massages.

Was it something I said?

You know, you'd probably be

a lot more comfortable without that jacket.

Yeah, right, like I wanna plummet to my death in pasties.

Here. You need this more than I do.

Don't look at me. You hired her.

Yeah, for the party that never was.

I mean, look at this!

We're stuck here,

and Charlie is sitting alone in some empty hotel room,

trying to find something to watch on SpectraVision,

bored out of his mind.

It's that new woman at his office.

Every day, he comes home and says how funny she is.

Or it's the girl at the dry cleaners.

I know she always flirts with him.

What is the room number next door? I'm gonna call.

Monica, that's not a...

No, I have to find out who she is!

What if I know her?

What if she's someone that I know?

What if she's beautiful?

I bet she probably is young and beautiful and...

He used to think...

He used to...

I could be attractive to a man.

Maybe not at this second, but...

Do you think someone could find me...

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

I'm sorry.

Am I keeping you from something?

Nah. Just... this bachelor party.

It's supposed to be.

I'm surprised everybody's not here yet.

Is it a good friend of yours who's getting married?

Yeah. Um... We're pretty close.

Oh.

Why?

There's a bar in the lobby.

Maybe...

Can I buy you a drink?

Sure. Yeah.

I have time for that.

- Finally. - Jeez, Louise!

We sure took the scenic route.

Come on, I gotta pee like a racehorse!

Well, all the lights are on, but nobody's home.

Hey, I'm starving. Anybody else for room service?

It's weird he's not here.

Where do you think he is?

I don't know. Maybe he's getting some air?

Maybe he's out getting some.

Ooh, beer me.

Just let we have a large pizza, extra anchovies. Good.

No.

No way.

I'm trying.

I'm trying, but it just doesn't make any sense.

What is he looking for up there,

apart from the obvious?

I don't know. Man, I've never met him.

Oh, come on. You're a guy. Help me out.

Maybe he's... scared to be with one person.

Maybe the idea of that, for the rest of his life,

I mean, that's... That's big.

I swear I don't get that.

Yeah, well, I don't get needing 75 pairs of shoes. I mean...

Oh, yeah, right.

They're exactly the same.

What is wrong with waking up

next to one person who you love for the rest of your life?

Is it like there's some cosmic scorecard?

He who's racked up the most before he dies wins?

I don't know.

Oh.

Well...

How many women have you slept with?

Excuse me?

I'm sorry. Listen to me.

I mean, we've only known each other for, what, 20 minutes?

Thirty.

Minutes or women?

Um, both, actually, more or less.

Thirty.

Do you even remember all their names?

I'm not 100-percent sure I knew them all to start with.

Uh!

You asked.

Okay.

Okay, but...

But if you were to meet the right woman,

the perfect, right, wonderful woman,

you could give all that up, couldn't you?

I guess I'd have to.

Yeah, well,

not according to my husband.

Hey, you know that friend of yours,

the one who's getting married?

What about him?

Tell him he better mean it.

Tell him, if he's gonna stand up in front of God and everyone

and promise to love some woman forever,

he better make sure

he's got all that other crap out of his system.

Tell him I said so.

So, what's our feature presentation for tonight,

Ms. Salinger?

It's An Affair to Remember.

Ah!

Excellent choice.

I never heard of it.

But at the place, they said it was good.

Okay.

Claudia, where did this tape come from?

From the video store.

What is that?

You don't wanna know.

I can't believe this.

I bet whoever got our movie is saying exactly the same thing.

I ruined everything.

This was supposed to be your great, special night,

and every stupid thing I did, it just...

What's the use of making plans

if they're all just gonna get messed up?

Hey, sweetie.

Sometimes the best things happen that way.

Yeah, right.

Like how I ended up here.

I had five interviews that day.

And I could've gone to any one of them,

except my car wouldn't start.

I got a job, I met all you guys,

and I fell in love.

I'm getting married tomorrow

because this was the one interview that I could walk to.

Hey.

What, are you following me around?

No.

Stupid bar up the street wouldn't let me in.

Good.

So, what are you gonna...

Um...

Are you gonna say something to him?

I don't know.

I don't... I don't want any crummy excuses

or lies or...

No.

I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this with you.

Justin, you should talk about it.

- Talk to me. - About screwing around?

Why don't you go have that conversation with him.

You guys have that in common.

Can't you stop being angry for, like, five minutes?

I wanna help you.

- Give me a break, okay? - I do.

Look, just forget about the last few months, okay?

I mean, you and I, we have always been...

I mean, when my parents...

You were the first one I called.

I know that.

Listen, I'm here, and I care about you.

And you shouldn't have to deal with this alone.

Justin, who else are you gonna talk to about this?

Come on.

No.

I can't.

Uh...

you and me,

we're not friends.

We're not anything.

About six feet,

uh, long, dark hair,

kind of scruffy-beard thing going on.

With a woman, maybe.

Okay, thanks.

We should charge this to his room.

That'd show him.

It's on me.

No. I kept you from that party.

I want to.

I don't want you thinking that all men are pigs or anything.

I knew I met you for a reason.

Hi.

I... I don't wanna go home yet.

He's probably back there by now.

He's probably wondering where I am.

Good.

Oh, I think I'm gonna get a room and crash.

I'll be Scarlett O'Hara and worry about it tomorrow.

I think that's a very decent plan.

Just now?

Okay, thanks. Thanks a lot.

So, Charlie,

we're friends now, right?

Sure. You bet.

Then, maybe you won't mind if I ask you a small favor?

Would you...

sleep with me?

What?

A, I think you're really cute.

And two, I think what I need to do right now

is to even the score,

to level the playing field.

I mean, isn't there that expression,

"turn about is foreplay"?

I think it's "fair play."

Whatever.

Am I signing in the right place?

- Going down? - No, I'm not.

- What time have you? - Ten after five.

Oh, great.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

He thinks she's not coming.

She got hit by a car! That's why she's not there?

How can he not hear the siren? It's her ambulance.

I can't take this.

So are you in, or are you out?

Call. What do you got?

Um, two pair.

Ha!

The house is full!

But not that full.

Straight flush!

Wait, maybe that's, uh...

Oh. Still not him.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Excuse me. You kids go ahead.

I saw them. I saw them getting a room together.

I guess Charlie decided not to go so gently

into the good night after all.

What?

Do you think this is funny?

No. I just...

No, no, I don't.

Well, who is she?

Do you think it's somebody that he knew?

Somebody that he met down in the bar?

Somebody that he... That he picked up

in the, in the gift shop buying magazines?

I can't even begin to guess.

You know, I did this.

I dragged him here.

There was something going on with him.

I knew that, and he was trying to tell me,

but no, I have to throw him a party in a hotel

with women and beds.

I just... I walked him right into this.

Bailey, listen to me.

You didn't anything.

Your brother's an adult. He did this.

Yeah, well...

He expects me to stand up for him tomorrow,

be his best man and make some toast

congratulating the happy couple?

Well, forget it.

Forget it. I won't.

You're nervous.

That's sweet.

I am a little too.

You'll be the first one in a long time,

other than what's-his-name.

Other than Stuart.

Monica, no.

No, it's all right. I want to.

Only because...

you're drunk

and you're hurt and pissed off.

Oh, come on.

You don't even have to remember my name tomorrow. How's that?

Look, I'm sorry, but we're not...

Why?

I'm not good enough to be number 31 on the Charlie list?

Are you kidding?

A year and a half ago, me and you in a hotel,

it's all I would have been thinking about.

But...

But...

I've kind of been using you,

you know, to figure something out.

Well, I've been using you, too, so we're even.

I'm in love with someone.

Kirsten.

Her name's Kirsten, and...

I don't know why I didn't say anything.

I should have.

And, you know, before,

when you asked me if I could give up other women,

the truth of it is,

I didn't know the answer to that until just now.

But, it's yes.

No matter how beautiful and how tempting,

the answer is yes.

Did I wake you up?

It's okay.

All right.

Here's the deal.

This... This does not mean that we're friends, okay?

I mean, uh...

tomorrow we're...

We're still...

I need you right now.

Okay?

So I was going to tell her,

my mother, uh...

I got home, and she was up.

She's... She's sewing.

I mean, it's something that she just does late at night.

Who knows why, but, uh...

And his car's there, in the driveway.

He's, uh, he's home already.

He's home. He's, uh, asleep.

I mean, he goes out with this, this whore,

and then he comes home, and he sleeps in their bed.

I gotta tell her.

I don't...

I don't think you should.

Her husband is, is cheating on her.

This is something...

She needs to know this!

Yeah.

But maybe what's gonna happen is,

your dad's gonna realize who he's supposed to be with.

That it was dumb to go out looking for someone

different, or better, or more exciting,

or whatever he thinks.

Maybe he's gonna figure that out.

That he was with the right person all along

to begin with.

And that trying to be with someone else

was just a big mistake.

Is that...

what happened with you?

With us?

I don't know.

Looks like I missed a pretty good party.

Yeah.

There were some real highlights.

Let's see, uh...

We got stuck in the elevator for who knows how long.

The stripper never actually took her clothes off.

I brought the wrong videos.

And, and, oh!

Oh, yeah!

I saw you go into a hotel room with a woman,

who, what do you know,

isn't the one you're marrying in ten hours.

- You saw us? - Yeah.

When you didn't show up, I went looking for you.

The woman, um, Monica,

caught her husband cheating on her

in there, next door.

And, uh, I found her in the hallway falling apart,

and you guys were God knows where,

and she asked me to keep her company.

So we went, and we had a drink, and we talked.

Right.

Come on, Charlie. I'm not an idiot, okay?

I saw how you were yesterday.

I saw you freaking out about your vows,

all that "forsaking all others" stuff.

You went to a room with her. You didn't just talk.

We just talked.

And yeah, something could've happened pretty easily.

I mean, she wanted something to happen,

but I didn't.

I have Kirsten, and I don't want anyone else.

End of story.

You finish writing your vows?

I can't come up with anything.

Well, you just did.

Really. What you just said.

That pretty much covers it.

Okay.

Thanks.

Look at you. You're this...

This grownup.

This man.

This married man.

I wish they were here to see you like this.

Or maybe they know.

I hope they know.

Claud?

Wow!

I couldn't sleep, so I figured I'd do a little dress rehearsal.

What do you think?

Wow.

Kirsten...

There's this piece I play.

It's the andante from Mendelssohn's Fourth.

It's the prettiest music I know.

That's what you look like.

Charlie.

Oh, hey, George.

I didn't mean to scare you.

I just wasn't expecting you, that's all.

Yeah.

Just needed to be some place quiet for a while,

clear my head.

Waxing the floor?

Uh-huh.

Shiny.

Thank you.

You wanna take a little break?

Have a cup of coffee, sit awhile?

Come on over.

You're the boss.

Yeah.

I'm the boss.

I'm the boss and...

kind of the dad.

Couple hours from now, I'm gonna be the husband.

If I had a clue how to be even one of those, I'd be happy.

There was this woman tonight.

Last night, whenever it was,

and she wanted me to go to bed with her.

And she was pretty and needy.

Always a good combination, right, George?

It felt like this test, you know?

The snake offering the apple, that kind of thing.

And I said no.

So if it was a test, I passed it.

Which means that I ought to be feeling pretty good about now.

So, just let me ask you a question.

How come I still feel like I wanna run away some place?

How come I-I feel like I can't breathe?

How come it feels like somebody's got their fist around my lungs,

and they're just...

I don't know.

Yeah.

I don't know, either.

I don't know, either.

You got a quarter? Nickel?

Anything?

Thanks.

Okay, this is it.

Heads, I, I get married.

Tails...

Tails, I...

Huh. How about that?

Best two out of three.