Original subtitles

Yahoo!

Starboard view, Natasha.

Starboard, sir.

I'm seeing a whole bunch of nothing here.

Okay, hit me with some port.

Aft.

Port.

Aft.

Port. All right.

God, Natasha, how is this the best visibility that you can get?

Oh, I'm sorry Karen, are you tired of the particulate cloud?

How would you like me to act as one of those satellites that you seem to

think exist in this universe?

Oh.

We can't just sit here in this crap cloud waiting to get attacked for

the third time like a bunch of assholes.

Oh.

Tina's right to, oh, highly unprofessional.

Oh.

Tina stop being so white.

Karen makes a good point.

We have to do something, reach out, make the next move.

A message.

Exactly.

Shields are up, the ship's secure,

we aren't going anywhere until this thing clears.

It's time to let whatever is out there know exactly who we are.

Natasha, activate the ansible.

I want it up in central transmitter across all wavelengths as soon as

the message is ready.

Yeah, I had some line not working.

What?

Some kinda magnetic pulse must have knocked it offline.

Our shield should block any external charges, Natasha.

Why did you deactivate the shield?

Because I didn't.

Natasha, what is happening?

Why are you being such a b today?

Anyone over here have start mode?

No?

It's on my interface.

But then again, why would you know how to work this ship's computer?

You're only the captain.

Snark mode off.

You turned it on about an hour ago with your elbow.

Okay. Did you enjoy that version of me, Captain?

I liked it.

Yeah, I didn't care for it.

No?

So, if this magnetic pulse isn't external,

where the hell is it coming from?

Pull. Come on.

Come on.

You've got this.

You're strong.

I don't know,.

Come one I've got those hanging with big dark magnetic men with big dark

magnetic balls.

You are, they're huge.

Oh, ha, Oh man,.

oh.

Oh my goodness 30 kilo gauze, it's a new PR.

PR stands for Personal Record.

Hi fellas.

Congratulations.

All right, give me five.

Gotta find me, find me low.

Oh, what did

you do?

Natasha, activate the airlock for Art.

For permanent disposal?

For external maintenance.

I thought I turned stark mode off.

Oh, no, no you did, Captain, I just, I just miss it.

Okay.

One more time.

You exit the ship.

You go directly to the ansible.

You hit the manual reset.

You come back inside.

And you never, ever pull that again.

Understood, and upon my return from performing this, repair,

what can I expect in the form of badges or massages?

You are a box of garbage.

Oh, spicy, yeah, I think you and I are going to be getting together.

Okay.

Karen you're in charge of the repair effort.

Bye Art, miss you already.

Excellent, what are you going to do?

I'm going to take Tina and Kent and

bust out a hot ass hello aliens message.

You're going to make a message with those two?

That is a terrible idea.

What's wrong now?

Oh I'm sorry.

I should be more clear.

Tina and Kent are terrible.

Your breath is terrible bitch.

After we fix the ansible, you and I can work on the message.

It'll be the first communication transmitted in an already hostile

universe and it is a job for grown ups.

Okay. Tina and Kent are more than capable.

Besides, a good captain trusts and respects his crew.

Then again, you won't understand because you didn't make Captain, so.

Oh.

All right, well,

I look forward to seeing their handiwork all over the project, Captain.

All over it.

As do I.

Dream team!

Dream team!

Oh no, no Michael, sorry, sorry you're on Karen's team.

No.

So, please go and make sure Art's properly lubed.

Thank you, we love you, bye.

Lube him with a smile.

Kent.

This is gonna be delightful, I haven't had a decent lubing in months.

Hey, guys.

What do you think of this weather we're having, huh?

Ca, can I talk to you a sec, Karen?

Michael, take Art and finish doing whatever needs to be done to him.

Hint.

It's a lot.

Make sure he wipes-.

What is it, Zalian?

I'm busy.

Oh, I checked around and you're right.

There's a ton of metal in the ship.

It's made out of it.

And, Art and I promise never to do magnetic stuff anymore.

Good.

Also, would you mind talking to Stewart and

asking him if maybe he would reconsider sending Art outside.

Look, I am in charge of this project, and no one is reconsidering anything.

Okay?

Art is responsible for the problem, Art is a robot, and

Art is going outside to fix it.

Listen, I am worried and Art means a lot to me.

I understand, do you want to go out and make the repair?

Me? No, I'm not trained to space walk.

It was mandatory at the academy.

It's one of the most important basic skills in our line of work.

I, I missed that day?

You're an idiot.

Hey, maybe you can send big Mike, or little Mike, or any Mike.

Hello?

Mm.

Sorry, how rude of me.

Would you like some of my moist saline compress?

I'm good. They're not just for gills.

Really? You can use it on any part of your body that dries out,

makes you not able to breathe.

Okay. Where is Tina?

We have to get this message ready ASAP.

We still have no idea what's out there, and

things aren't looking any clearer.

Indeed.

Visibility's actually getting worse.

I don't know who to blame.

Hi, sorry I'm late.

So, I brought this translator device, I thought we could use it.

It converts speech into any language, using symbols and

emotionally relevant colors.

Oh, wow.

Boobs.

Oh, yeah, that works.

Yeah.

I also have something.

I brought the camera.

You guys, this is great.

I can't believe Karen thinks you're such idiots.

Anyway, I took a look at the stock UMP interstellar message, and

it hasn't been updated since UMP was a part of Monsanto.

So, it's just a bunch of GMO propaganda.

So, we get to create this from scratch.

So, I'm thinking we should build around the idea that we come in peace,

you know what I mean, and we.

I'm sorry, what was that?

I just think that your idea to come in peace, it's a bad one.

Karen liquified Chat.

I mean, we should own that.

We should flex our muscle a little.

Why start a fight with, someone or, or

something who has who knows what kind of weapons?

Ah-ha, but the aliens don't know what kind of weapons we have.

They don't know about our reverse polarity phasers or our laser mops.

Laser mop? We have all those things?

We absolutely do not have that.

Stop, Kent.

The aliens don't know that.

Stop.

We're not, we're not threatening the aliens.

Okay?

It's not happening.

Okay, Karen.

Didn't he sound exactly like Karen there?

I'm the wrong guy to ask.

I struggle with inflections.

Were you trying to sound like Karen, Stewart?

No, no, no, Kent.

Forget about that.

What are your thoughts on the message?

We've been infiltrated twice without difficulty.

Our minds have been exposed.

Hm. We're in a very weak position.

So, I suggest we submit, offer up our most private places, every last one.

What's that?

I suggest that when the alien next appears, each of us thinks of his or

her most shameful secret.

So, that they creature may sift through them for his voyeuristic pleasure.

We must also offer ourselves up physically.

Are you familiar with the primate custom of presenting.

No. Show me.

Well, I'm not in heat and my genitals aren't engorged, but

if I were to arch my haunches Oh stop, stop,

no we're not doing that, we're not doing that.

Have a seat.

That's it.

There it is.

Now, I do here the hectoring rhythms of Karen-speak.

Art, ansible should be about 20 meters directly starboard.

Crikey, it's so dark out here.

How dark is it?

Shut up.

I have my light turned on and it's basically doing nothing.

I, I, I'm going to switch it off just to see.

Yes, yes it's darker still.

You wouldn't believe it.

Art.

This is the darkest I've ever experienced, and

I've owned several diamond mines.

Art.

Turn your goddamn light on, now.

And, the light is on.

And continuing, to the ansible which I am detaching and

completing manual reset.

Yay! Now we're the dream team.

And I'm stuck.

Whoops.

What?

Well, I seem to have wedged myself between a thing.

And some type of other thing it, it's pinching a little.

I'm ready for immediate retrieval please.

Erin.

Greetings, I'm Captain Stewart Lipinski of the UMP Cruiser, and

we come in mm.

Found him.

Hey,.

Oh hey, you weren't starting to shoot without us, were you?

No, I just wanted to get some toss done while they were fresh.

No biggie.

You said we were a team.

A team of dreams.

Kent, we are.

Just in separate rooms for right now.

And you told Karen we were capable.

You do think I'm capable, don't you Stewart?

So, so capable which is why

you guys can make your own videos after we finish making- Oh, great.

Kent was being really gross and weird he got me all fired up so

I want to start shooting before I start losing any of that heat.

Okay. I found Tina very intimidating.

But many of my parts have become dilated as well.

They need to be captured soon.

Art? Hey, Karen.

Art?

People on this ship like me, right?

I mean obviously.

I know they like me, but, I meant as far as like,

how my performance is regarded or where I can improve.

Or do people talk about me behind my back type of thing?

People think you're great, okay?

Karen, I just detected a spike in your heart rate and cortisone levels.

Oh my god.

Are you lying to me?

No.

Those symptoms could be an indicator of evasiveness.

I'm not being evasive--.

Natasha.

They just.

They talk about me a lot?

It's about the way I eat?

Is it about how slow I eat?

Michael, nobody talks about you.

Karen, your levels are dangerously high.

I have to insist that you return to the ship.

I don't need to return to the ship.

I need you both to shut the hell up, so i can find the stupi- Ooga Booga!

I'm an alien!

Where's your sense of humor?

Art! Karen!

No!

Art! Karen, Karen, stop.

He's gone.

By the way, this is Michael.

I'm standing behind you.

Please don't kick me into space.

I can't believe it, I lost him.

I killed Art.

No, no. Don't beat yourself up.

Accidents happen.

And besides, he's arguably not even a person.

So, Rude. I said arguably.

And do you have to wear that funeral outfit?

That's clearly upsetting the first officer here.

Oh. Now, guys, I hate to do this right now, but I'm gonna need a verbal

waiver confirming that I was in no way responsible for this incident.

You're doing this now?

I've seen how these things go down.

Memories get fuzzy, humans stick together.

No, no, no. We should all stick together, okay?

This is a very sensitive time and

we need to be delicate in how we handle this.

Whisper, whisper.

Whisper, whisper.

Oh, Zalian.

Hey. Hey.

I just wanted to check in and see how the space walk went.

Actually, I bet Art wants to tell me about it himself.

Little guy.

Loves doing and the talking about stuff himself and where is Art?

Oh, I was thinking it rather than talking.

Sorry, it's a bad habit.

I just meant, where's Art?

Oh, I'm still doing it aren't I?

Shoot.

I'm talking out loud now in this room asking where Art is.

He's in the bathroom.

Great.

Hey, wow.

It's everybody.

How's the repair going?

Because if you need more time-.

No sir.

The Ansible repair is complete and you can send your message and

the bathroom story has been told.

We are lost.

We are exposed.

Should we beg?

Do not strike at us.

We are completely vulnerable.

We are yours.

All that we have is yours.

Money or women?

I will dance for you, outside this fragile vessel,

in the cold dark of space we have no hope of survival.

Don't kick us into the void.

Okay, well we watched a lot of that.

So why don't we watch some more of Tina's version.

Yay. Yay. Hello Universe.

Welcome to your nightmare.

We won't stop until we've kicked your ass!

If you meet us you better not have an ass.

Three one.

We have a robot, and that robot is amazing!

His name's Art.

I love you man.

So listen up you green dick heads, cuz we're coming for you!

We will not be intimidated.

Death, death, double death.

We will send you off into the void.

Spinning, drifting, alone.

Your only solace will be knowing eventually death will find you.

I feel sick.

I love you Ted.

[CRYING].

Okay, I get it we did a bad job.

No, well you did, they're terrible but.

Art's gone.

Hey, Karen, take it easy.

Art's just in the bathroom.

And when people are in the bathroom, they're not really gone.

Right Michael?

Exactly.

Art's in the bathroom.

Robots aren't allowed bathroom access.

Michael, are you lying?

This is why we have weavers.

Art's in the bathroom.

He's not in the bathroom.

I sent him out into danger and then I kicked him off the ship like he was

nothing and now he's gone forever.

You lost Art?

I told you not to use him and now he's out there somewhere?

I'm so sorry Zalian.

I gotta go.

I can cut her out of the video, no problem.

Okay.

Might be a good time for a speech or something.

Good idea.

All right guys, I have a few words I'd like to share.

Michael lied about the bathroom.

Uh-huh.

He lied about seeing boobs through a fence in 6th grade, and

he's doing it again.

It was so long ago.

This is no time for messages.

They're here.

If it puckers, lube it.

No, Ted, put your pants back on.

Natasha, bring up the exterior feed from sector above where we are.

Okay, Captain.

Zalian?

Wait, is he seriously in space right now?

No, wait.

I'll get him.

Come here.

Art!

Where are you?

His eyes haven't exploded yet.

They won't.

There's an oxygen-rich pseudo-atmosphere collected around the ship.

I should have said something earlier but

as a non-breather I really didn't find it that interesting.

We're not gravitationally significant enough to attract an atmosphere.

Natasha, can you show me a visual model of the storm?

How beautifully terrifying.

A planet is rapidly forming.

Around us.

Is that a thing that can actually happen?

Yeah.

Art!

Art!

Zalian, this is crazy!

Art!

Zalian, he's gone.

I'm so sorry but you've got to come back inside.

Please.

I cannot go back in there alone.

And I cannot be responsible for killing someone else.

So, this is the ship and this is the coalescing matter aiming right at

us which will then converge into this little spot right there.

Which will just be one pile of blood and metal.

Zalian, I'm very happy to see that your eyes remain unexploded.

Oh, thanks, I appreciate that.

Hey, sorry about the whole Art's in the bathroom thing.

Hey, you don't get to talk to him liar.

All right, Tina, drop it.

Talk about Micheal's lying later.

Okay, well, quick update there's a planet forming around us.

We have no visibility, no sat map.

And we're quickly becoming planetary core.

If we could orient ourselves we might have a chance as it stands now we'll

be dead within mm, minutes.

Wait, wait if everything is moving towards us,.

Art?

Art you there buddy?

Stuart?

You're on the radio.

Art. Wow.

Oh my God, you're alive.

Yes, flight out was rather unpleasant, Karen.

The last bit's been quite peaceful.

Hey, Natasha, if you had a satellite you can orient us right?

Yes.

Hey, Art, Natasha's gonna give you a little ping,

promise it won't hurt buddy.

Ping away.

So, there's satellite Art, and there's us.

What if we try to latch on to one of these tendrils?

Even if we timed it perfectly, we'd be too heavy to make it.

Wait a minute, I could drop the fuel cells as we go,

that would leave enough in the reactors to get us free.

No, but then we'll be stranded without fuel.

But we won't be on a planet.

Okay, everybody, listen.

I realized something today about all of you.

We're really not that good.

Oh. Oh.

Yeah.

We're not that good, but goddammit, we're good enough.

And if we work together, I think we can get out of this.

You heard her.

Positions people, come on.

Natasha, be ready for my command, Tina, stay focused on our course.

Okay, this has just inspired some thoughts for

the video I was thinking- No, just do your one job please, thank you,

you're awesome.

Yeah.

Hey, is there anything I can do captain?

Tell me we're gonna be okay.

We're gonna be great, sir.

I know I shouldn't, but I believed you, you goddamn lying son of a bitch.

Here we go.

Ready on the bridge.

All right, in nine, eight, seven, that's too many numbers.

Just go, oh.

We're too heavy.

Well, most of us are.

Did you just call me fat?

I don't know. Dropping fuel now.

We're too dense.

Too attractive a core!

We're not gonna make it, Michael, let it go.

I can do it.

Do what, Art?

I can magnetize.

You dropped a lot of energy into this mass, and I can use it.

I can become Planet Art.

No, Art. We can't ask you to do that.

I wanna do this.

I've had an amazing journey in this metal body,

but how many men get to become robots?

And, and then, satellites?

And then, planets?

Oh, sure. There was that Japanese guy but, it's still very, very rare.

Hey, amigo.

I'll see you on the other side.

I love you.

You're my buddy.

That's all I got.

Got it.

Here I go.

Aah.

It's working.

Over acceleration, burn it all.

I live my life with the greatest dignity.

Now, I am become planet with the same grace, goodnight crew, I bid you.

Oh.

Holy Christ.

Oh my god.

Oh, oh, oh.

Whoa.

Owie, owie, owie, owie.

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We did it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yay.

Okay.

As someone who's experienced a lot of loss, myself,

I just want you to know, it never gets easier, ever.

At least yours wasn't hot.

Well, I guess it's time.

Zalian.

If this is too hard, we can help you with Art's things later.

You don't have to do this now.

No, I do.

This is how we start over.

Aah!

Aah!

What the hell?!

Art's not dead!

Oh no, his thought impulses are backed up automatically right here.

You have another Art?

Oh yeah, there's a bunch of them on board.

It's in the equipment manifest, there's two down here,

ten up on the service deck.

Don't forget the me's hidden under three of your beds.

You risked your life to save him.

You almost died.

I almost died.

Well, those parts are worth a lot of money.

I don't come cheap.

And you have ten of these?

At least.

He's looking good, right?

That's me good.

Earthlings, from the American of the Earth.

We are a simple, hardworking bunch.

I wasn't sure about using footage from the old video.

No, it is beautiful.

Monsanto really knew what they were doing.

We happen to be pretty darn smart with science.

Especially when it comes to feeding the world.

Heck, maybe even the universe.

As individuals, we are kind.

We are resourceful.

We are loyal.

We are calm under pressure.

Together we are mighty, we are strong, we are united, and

we reach out to you in that spirit of unity.

We are the crew of the UMP Cruiser, and we come in peace.

And that's strong but confident message is being transmitted across

the universe to any and all entities.

Good work, people.

I know, it wasn't what you had in mind, but you gotta admit, it's not bad.

No, it's not what I had in mind.

You don't have permission to use my likeness and

if we get back to earth I'm suing you.

Captain.

Hey I noticed that I'm not in the video What?

Sure you are.

No, I'm sure I'm not.

Michael, you don't realize do you?

You were there the whole time.

In our hearts.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Oh my God, how did we forget about Michael?

I didn't forget about him.

I thought you didn't want him in the video.

I never said that, but it plays great without him.

I know, it's amazing.

Put your hand on your heart.

Never.

Yahoo!.

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