All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s08e02_English

(groans)

Nothing like an ice-cold beer

-after a job well done.
-Yeah.

You know, the Brits
like their beer warm...

and their cars are cruddy.

I wonder if there's
a connection.

Ah.

They get a pass.

-They gave me Adele.
-Heh.

You know, man, thanks to us,

this Corvair
is as good as it was

when it rolled off
the assembly line in 1963.

Actually...

-Yes!
-...better. Huh?

-Ported and polished heads.
-Mm-hmm.

-This baby's an animal.
-Mm.

A slow, stupid little animal.

But still fast enough
to roll over on Ralph Nader.

You know,
that buyer Joe found for me

is gonna be really happy.

That's 'cause he's
done dealing with Joe.

-Mm.
-"Done dealing with Joe."

You add a pickup truck to that,
that's a country song.

Got to admit, this...

-was a pretty good time.
-Yeah, why is it we don't argue

when we're working on a car?

'Cause all we say is,
"Give me a beer,"

"You need a beer?"
"We got to get more beer."

I almost wish there was
something wrong with my truck

so we could have a project
for next weekend.

Easily done.
I'll take a screwdriver

and poke a hole
in your radiator.

*

That's the best spaghetti
you've ever made.

I licked my plate clean.

My tongue marks have actually
turned this into a painting.

Look. A sailboat.

Okay, well, what do you know?
I'm married to Jackson Pol-lick.

Heh-heh.

Great food, bad puns--
our marriage in a nutshell.

You know, working on cars always
puts you in such a great mood.

Or maybe it's
just being trapped in the garage

with all those noxious fumes.

Well, nothing like
a CO2 and benzene cocktail.

Actually, working with Chuck
had a lot to do with it.

-Hey, whoa, whoa. Wow.
-Ooh.

I thought you always wanted
to be alone with your cars.

You put an engine
between Chuck and I,

it turns out...
he's a lot of fun.

Look at you--
enjoying the company of humans.

Yeah, all right, just one guy,

and don't forget
the benzene fumes.

I think this is
a very healthy change for you.

You know, as men age,
strong social connections

can help them live longer.

Ah. Look at you--
wanting me to live.

Yeah.

But I think I figured out a way
to add more of this to my life.

-Oh, I like that.
-I'm thinking of having

a side business flipping
classic cars with Chuck.

I'm liking it less.

The expansion at Outdoor Man
has calmed down.

The kids are out of the house.

You want me to live longer.

Yeah, okay, but, you know,

you've always found working
on cars to be fun.

You need the escape.
It might ruin it

-if you make it all about money.
-More money?

(imitating Thurston Howell III):
What would we do

with more money?

We could add a second
wine cellar to the yacht.

(imitating Dickensian child):
A cellar? Oh, I'd give anything

just to live in one!

(normal voice):
Be gone, you little ragamuffin!

And take the mice with you.
Get out.

Okay, all right, all right.
Look I'm just saying,

you've had
two great loves of your life:

the outdoors and classic cars.

You're a solid number three,
Lovey.

Wow. I finally edged out Elway.

Oh, I forgot about Elway.

Listen, you-you've turned
your love of the outdoors

into a business, which...
which you still find fun.

But-but admit it, I mean,
it can be kind of stressful.

And I'd hate to see that happen

-with you and cars.
-All right, all right.

I can still keep it fun.
I will keep it...

And haven't you read
that being married to a man

that's having fun helps
aging women live longer?

No, no, no.

But I did read that men
who call their wives "aging"

tend to die suddenly.
Yep.

What are you doing?

We're gonna get lunch
as soon as Mom and Jen get here.

Tell that
to the beast baby within.

Why would you not have
cocktail onions?

(doorbell rings)

Ooh.

Hi.
Oh, what's with the boxes?

Can you keep a secret?

Your mom and I
are porch pirates.

-Arr!
-All right, she's kidding.

Look, I brought you the stuff
you left in the basement.

Please tell me she left
some cocktail onions down there.

They don't show this

in the joyful pregnancy test
commercials.

Well, thanks
for bringing my stuff.

Did you also bring
the mannequin?

Oh, I'll bring it by tomorrow.

Your dad's been using it
to drive in the carpool lane.

Hey, Mandy, what's this?

Oh, that's our chore list.

Uh, since we have our own place,

Kyle and I decided
to split the housework.

My parents had a chore list.

I kept adding:
"Let Jen watch Magic Mike."

Oh, but no dice.

Men taking off their clothes.
Big deal.

Show me a man putting away
the clean dishes...

(growls)

Whoa. Who's chore is it

to take out the recycling, huh?

Oh, technically me,
but you can just leave it.

Kyle will take care of it.

Honey, I hope
you're not making Kyle

do all your chores.

No. He likes it.

I-I just wait a little bit,

and he steps in
and he does it for me.

He's so sweet.

You're taking advantage of him.

Why are you surprised, Mom?

She did the same thing to me
growing up.

And then you both did the same
thing to me when I got here.

And we loved you for it.

The difference is that Kyle
likes doing it, okay?

I-I'm just letting him do
what he likes to do

by not doing
what I don't like to do.

I know English is
my second language,

but that sounds like
a load of crap.

It's just like with the boxes.

You know, I left them in the
basement, he brought them to me,

everyone's happy.

Mandy, this is important. You...

Can we go? You can run
her life at the diner.

Okay?
Come on, let's go.

-Larabee.
-Huh?

Get in my office.
I want to talk to you.

I want to talk to you, too,
but I was gonna be polite.

-What's up?
-Listen, we both liked working

-on that Corvair.
-Okay.

Don't worry, Baxter.
I saw you having fun.

I won't tell anybody.

Look at this website--
classic cars.

-Ah.
-What do you say
we buy one of these,

fix it up, use the profits
to build another one?

Man, that's funny, man.
I was thinking

about turning this
into a business, too.

No, like a side business-- just
two guys funding their hobby.

It'll be fun.

Fun is my middle name.

I think you told me
it was Marion.

I share too much
when I'm working on cars.

But what if it wasn't
just two guys?

Damn, I-I'm barely able
to work with you.

I don't think I could work
with another guy. I can't do...

What the...?

Hey, Chuck.

You tell this numbskull
we might let him work with us?

Charles Marion Larabee...

what have you done?

You invited Joe in on this,
the most annoying guy

in the world?
What--

-Gilbert Gottfried was busy?
-CHUCK: Okay, okay.

Joe, Joe, c-could you
give us a second, man?

-Sure.
-Okay.

I'm back.
(chuckles)

I'm just kidding. Look,
take all the time you want.

Remember...
we don't need Baxter.

Really? Joe?

I wanted to keep this fun
and simple.

Joe? Just simple.

I know he's annoying,

but he's connected
with gearheads all over town,

and he's a very,
very good mechanic.

All that would be great

if it weren't Joe.

Since Joe set me up

with the guy
who bought the Corvair,

technically, he's the one that
got this whole ball rolling.

Guy drives me nuts.

I can't-I can't do it.
I can't. I'm...

Hey, guy, you don't want
to work with me, that's fine.

Okay?

I'll tell my friend
who was looking

for a '68 Mustang Fastback
to find somebody else.

-'68 Fastback?
-Uh-huh.

Yeah, he wants to drop
a 428 Cobra Jet in it.

I-I'm gonna regret this.

All right, Joe, you're in.

Yeah.

You said "urine."

Regret, regret...

regret.

(knocking)

KYLE:
Oh! (giggles)

(laughs)

-Hey, Mrs. B.
-Hi, Kyle.

Sorry, I'm just dropping
that off for Mandy.

There's a guy
who sits in Mr. B's truck

who has the same hat.

Thanks for bringing this by.

Hey, and I
can walk you back down.

I'm getting ready to take out
the recycling anyway.

Oh. Right.
Uh, look, Kyle,

I saw the, uh, the chore list

that-that you and Mandy put up
on the refrigerator.

Um, I could have sworn
that recycling was Mandy's job.

Oh, yeah, yeah, it is, but,
you know, it's been piling up.

And, uh, and I don't mind.

Besides, I...
I love the clinkety-clank

of the recycling bag
being carried down the steps.

(clattering)

(forced chuckle)
Yeah, small pleasures.

Uh, so, Kyle, uh,

do-do you end up
doing a lot of her chores?

I guess so.
She forgets a lot.

But... I like
doing things for her.

Yeah. Well, just curious--
I mean, how-how many

of her chores
does she actually do?

Well, uh...

she doesn't do the laundry.

But she does leave it
all over the bedroom floor.

-Oh.
-Yeah. That way I don't have
to go looking for it.

And, uh, she didn't
clean the kitchen.

But she did sweep once.

But that's just because
she broke a glass.

It... Well, I guess
it really wasn't sweeping

as much as it was just kicking
the pieces under the stove.

(clicks tongue)
Uh, Kyle, I...

I don't want to insert myself
into your marriage...

But?

(chuckles)
Well, since you ask. Uh...

Look, Mandy is using you,
and-and it has to stop.

You think she's ignoring
her chores on purpose?

Does recycling
go clickety-clank?

-(clattering)
-Look, look,

if Mandy's gonna do
her fair share,

you-you have to stop
doing her chores for her.

Yeah, but she's
so tall and pretty, so...

Oh, yeah, well,
that is a factor.

Look...

but over time, Kyle,

you might end up
resenting Mandy,

and resentments pile up,
much like your recycling.

All right.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll put it all back
the way it was.

But it is gonna take forever
to un-crush all these cans.

Listen. Okay, Joe, where are
we gonna get this '68 Mustang?

Yeah, my buddy had
one of those, man.

It was a total chick magnet.

Yeah, my friend
can't afford it anymore.

-Why?
-Ah, the idiot's
getting a divorce.

Well, maybe his wife wants it.

Tell her it's a chick magnet.

How'd you know that's why
he's getting a divorce?

Okay, so, we need another buyer.
Um, uh, okay,

my brother-in-law
always wanted a '67 Valiant.

(scoffs)
Keep looking.

A '67 Valiant?

That went out of style in '66.

Hey, how 'bout a Karmann Ghia?

A little sports car
could be nice.

We just finished a Corvair, man.

I want something with
a little more meat on its bones.

Okay, okay, okay.
I'm sensing a problem here.

See, we couldn't agree
on a-a business name,

a logo or the best James Bond.

(imitates Sean Connery):
The answer's obvious.

(normal voice):
Timothy Dalton.

This is exactly why we need
to put someone in charge.

You know, to make decisions.

Oh, not me. I-I...

Too much stress on me.
I don't want to do it.

Well, that only leaves
one person.

Joe.

(chuckles)
Joe?

I hope you mean Joe Biden,

'cause I'd hate that
a little bit less.

Come on, guys.
I can handle it.

Hey, you try putting six cats
on the same feeding schedule.

Listen,
Joe may not know science,

history, logic...

grammar or social cues...

...but he does know cars.

Come on, guys. I got motor oil
in my veins, all right?

I-It's really just
high cholesterol, but...

(mutters)

Look, fine. Have at it.
It's yours.

As Goldfinger said so aptly,

"No, Mr. Bond.

I expect you to die."

Hang on.

If I'm the boss, there's gonna
be some changes here, okay?

First, we're all getting
satin jackets.

I'm not wearing a satin jacket.

We're not gonna wear 'em.

And, second, I'd like
to be addressed as "sir."

(groans)
Come on, Joe.

We're all in this to have fun.

Whoa, whoa,
what's with this "Joe"?

I think the word
you're looking for is "sir."

It's not the word
I'm looking for.

Mike, why is Joe wearing a tie?

Because, technically,

he's the boss
of our new endeavor.

Why is it a Christmas tie?

He's probably just got the one,

and he wants to make sure
everybody knows who's in charge.

Ah, leadership.

Yeah, it's a heady cocktail.

Long hours, lazy workers, huh?

(chuckles)

I miss it.

I just want
to work on cars, right?

I don't want
to take orders from Joe.

I'm not one of his cats.

You know,
when you're the boss,

Joe's a pain in your ass,

so why don't you
return the favor?

Well, how would that
help anybody?

Well, you like
to annoy people, right?

Sure.
Who doesn't?

The nice.

And since you're not,

this might be a good way
to put the fun back into this.

I like it.

It's better than my murder plan.
(short chuckle)

-That requires an alibi.
-Well...

This a good time
for a meeting, Baxter?

Doesn't matter. A good time
is when the boss says it is.

And, right now,
he ain't the boss.

Happy holidays.

Sure, a good time for a meeting.
This is great.

I'm here to serve, boss.

Oh.
Well, you got a new attitude.

That's scary.

Now, I looked up
how to start a business, okay?

And we need a website

-and a license.
-Whoa.

That's a... that's a lot
of business jargon.

Can you dumb that down
a little bit?

Well, there's a lot to do.
Uh, Chuck,

-you're in computers...
-You just said "urine."

(chuckles)
He said "urine."

Can we cut the chitchat?

I'm trying
to run a meeting here.

Well, I guess I could take
a crack at the website.

You just said "crack."
(laughs)

If you're looking
for cocktail onions,

-they're in the pantry.
-(groans)

Don't even say
those words to me.

We went to three stores
to find the kind you like.

We thought you had a craving.

That was then.

Today,
I'm feeling a brick of feta.

You broke my husband.

Oh, Mandy, you know what,
you were tricking him.

It's not healthy.

Screw healthy.
We were happy.

That's because Kyle
is always happy.

Yeah, well, that's one
of the reasons I married him.

I don't have to work
to make him happy.

He came that way.

Are you eating olives
and whipped cream?

What am I supposed to do?

There's no feta!

Anyway, thanks a lot, Mom.

Now I have to do my laundry,

and some slob
left it all over the floor.

Mandy, remember I told you

my parents had
a chore list also?

Yeah, yeah. That's because,
in every culture,

marriage is about work
and shared responsibilities.

I mean, that's-that's what
you were gonna say.

Right, Jen?

No.

My mother loved flowers.

She grew roses in her garden.

And even though my father
didn't care about flowers,

he had to prune them
and clip one

for the dinner table
every night.

After my mother died,

my father continued
to maintain her garden.

So I asked him
why he still did this chore.

And he said,

"It was never a chore.

"It was my gift to your mother.

"And now that she's gone,
I can still give her this gift.

It keeps her close to me."

I know I'm really hormonal,

but we're all about to burst
into tears, right?

That was beautiful.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna go home
and give Kyle the gift

of actually doing my chores.

(sighs)
S-So, Jen,

when you do chores for me,

do you consider it a gift?

Guess we'll find out
when you're dead.

JOE:
There he is,

my favorite flunky.

There he is,
my new pinhead boss.

What's up, Joe?

-I got an announcement, okay?
-Okay.

I'm quitting our car business.

Come on. I bust your balls
a little bit yesterday,

now you want to quit?

What are you, a snowflake?

I always knew
you were a flake, but...

not a snowflake.
Come on.

I'm not quitting because
of your pathetic little jokes,

you egomaniac.

I'm just sick
of this boss stuff.

Well, kind of goes
with the satin jacket, Joe.

Look, I don't want to deal
with tax documents

and websites
and all that other crap, okay?

I just want to work on cars.

(sighs) Look, you might
not believe this, Baxter,

but I don't...
I don't have a lot of friends.

I'll take your word for it.

I'm just uncomfortable
around people, okay?

When a car's around, somehow,
it-it's easier for me.

It's a-actually fun, you know?

Look, I know that
probably sounds weird to you.

No.

That doesn't sound weird to me.

I mean, being boss just takes

-all the fun out of it.
-Yeah.

That's why I didn't want
to do it.

I know Larabee
feels the same, too.

So who's gonna be the boss?

Vanessa.

W...

I got an idea.

I got a good idea.

Excuse me for a minute.

-Ed. Ed, listen, um...
-Yeah?

...what do you know about cars?

I know how to buy a new one
when they break.

Okay.
I'd like to nominate Ed

to be the boss
of our new endeavor.

-Oh. Hell yeah.
-No, no, no.

-That's a great idea.
-No.

No, no, no, no. I don't know
anything about engines.

No, no, no.

You don't have to know anything
about engines.

You said that
being a boss is a...

-heady cocktail, right?
-Yeah.

Well, how would you like
to be...

our bartender?

-I accept your nomination.
-Ah.

All right.
Prepare to be over-served.

Well, all those in favor of Ed
being our new boss say "aye."

-Oh. Aye, man.
-Aye.

-It's unanimous.
You're the skipper.
-All right. Good.

-And you're gonna need this.
-ED: Oh.

(laughs) I'm humbled
by your faith in me, gentlemen.

All right,
first order of business,

pain in the ass flows one way:

from me to you.

All right?
All right.

Now that that's settled,
uh, you'll excuse me, gentlemen.

I'm on my way to create
a new folder on my desktop.

I'm gonna need that back

on Easter and my mom's birthday.

I got some cop buddies
to let us into the impound lot.

Let's go down there
and check out the cars.

-Sounds like fun.
-CHUCK: Mm.

I don't like that impound lot.

They got too many dogs there.

Well, Joe smells like cats.

He goes in first.

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.

Talking about the importance
of friendship.

Maybe it doesn't come easily
for you.

Maybe you're shy or awkward

or you're like me and you
really just don't like people.

Okay, what you need to do
is find common ground

that makes other folks bearable.

FDR and Uncle Joe Stalin
didn't have much to talk about

at the 1945 Yalta Conference.

You see,
one of 'em liked martinis.

The other preferred
Molotov cocktails.

Until Frankie realized,

"Hey, Joey,
you like stealing property.

"I like taxes.

We're both commie bastards!"

The New Kids on the Block
had their differences,

but they were always able
to put 'em aside,

come together in a studio
and record

some of the worst songs
in music history.

Yeah, we may have more
that divides us than unites us,

but, luckily, it only takes
one thing to draw us together.

Now, I understand--
believe me--

how hard it can be
sharing something you love

with someone you don't.

I do it every April 15.

(mouths)

But unlike having your
hard-earned money confiscated,

forging friendships can
actually help you live longer.

And if my motivation
is keeping those bastards

from collecting their death tax,

hell, I might just live forever.

Baxter out.

(chicken clucks)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH