Original subtitles

Latin lover narrator: All righty, here we go.

Jane, you recall, was torn,

between her baby's daddy Rafael,

and her ex-fiancé, detective Michael cordero.

And guess what? She chose Michael.

Until this happened. You turned me in!

Jane: Michael, calm down!

(Crying)

Only problem,

he was wrong-- it wasn't Rafael.

I am so sorry, Jane. (Crying): You should go.

Oh, and to make matters worse, Michael was fired...

And then this happened.

Drive.

Also under the gun, Petra.

Remember how she stole Rafael's last sperm sample

and Turkey-basted herself?

Well, her ex, milos, blackmailed her

into marrying him.

What she didn't bargain for...

I also have 2,000 live-fire hand grenades in these boxes.

Wedding provided perfect cover to bring them in.

I know! So let's go, because time's a-ticking.

¶ ¶ they say with children,

the days feel like years.

You can do it, Janie.

And the years...

Hurry, mom! I can't be late for my first day of junior high.

I'm coming.

...well, they feel like days.

Dr. Garcia said he should be totally fine.

She doesn't even think he'll scar. Good.

You feel better?

Yeah.

Sort of.

You don't think he'll be scarred emotionally, will he?

She's referring, of course, to the events of last night.

He's the best smiler ever.

Oh, I picked up the pictures for the baby book.

Ah, yes, the famous baby book.

Jane's meticulous record

of mateo's milestones.

And for our own record keeping, Jane was grappling

with a milestone of her own.

Xiomara: Jane?

It's gonna take time to get over him.

Yeah, I know. (Sniffles)

Just got to keep pushing forward.

So, what do you think,

for this afternoon?

Does it say "cool" but still, like, legitimately literary?

Very cool, very literary.

Another milestone: Grad school orientation.

Okay, but it's not too academic, right?

Because I don't want to seem like a square.

Road trip? Hmm.

I was pretty sure she was gonna kill him.

Chip?

Does this mean you'll work with me?

I still haven't decided.

I don't know if I trust you.

Sorry, could we check something real quick?

Okay, here's where we left off.

Drive.

I'm sorry. My bad.

It seems there was more.

Why'd you call me?

Because sin rostro cost me... everything.

And I can't rest knowing she's out there.

You said you worked for her

because she threatened your family.

If that's true, help me catch her.

You don't have to trust me.

You just have to work with me.

What do you say?

Yes.

Michael got into my head.

And I believed him and not you, and I'm really sorry.

(Knocking on door)

Mr. aguilar is here.

Uh, thank you. Send him in.

You ready?

Yes. Uh, just...

Real quick-- what exactly does estate planning entail?

Estate planning entails

thinking and preparing for mateo's future.

We aim to eliminate all uncertainty.

Well, now you're speaking my language.

She does like to be prepared.

Okay, the basics:

Custody. Jane, you're dead.

You want Rafael to raise mateo, right?

Uh, oh, yes. Let's say you're

in a really bad car accident, on life support.

Still Rafael?

Yeah. Gotcha.

And do you want to stay

on life support, or do you want to be taken off,

if you're a total vegetable.

I mean, I guess taken off.

B-but not too soon.

Standard's about a month.

Okay, let's say you're both killed in a car accident.

Latin lover narrator: Wow, this guy's grim.

Then who gets him?

My mom, right?

And would mom be in charge of mateo's trust fund?

Hmm?

Trust fund. It's sizeable.

And in the event of Rafael's death,

he would come into about-- uh, what is it now, 40?

Yeah, that's about right.

Forty...?

Million. Give or take.

Observe Jane, trying not to freak out.

¶ We on the ground, gotta get dat money ¶

¶ we tote nine, gotta get dat money ¶

¶ you know my clique, gotta get dat money ¶

¶ pockets thick, gotta get dat money... ¶

makin' it rain!

(Hip-hop melody continues)

(Cash register rings)

You're seriously complaining about too much money?

You knew he was rich. Yeah, not that rich.

And that kind of money's a huge responsibility.

I don't want it to screw mateo up.

I want him to stay grounded. Rogelio: Jane!

Look.

This is just so he knows

how important he is.

Okay, first team in!

Selfie.

My last day as Santos.

Well, I told him that I needed to look over

the terms of the trust, which I do.

(Bell rings) Oh.

Shh, shh-shh. Man: We're rolling.

Director: All right, you're bursting

to say your vows and make love, and action.

Director: And... freeze!

Man: Doubles in.

Ro and luciana hate each other so much they won't touch.

Director: And kiss.

I just hope they're done by 2:00.

Milos: I said 1.9.

These are only worth 1.7.

Latin lover narrator: Ah, yes, when we last left Petra,

you'll recall her new husband had dropped a bomb on her.

Petra: Danek. (Scoffs)

I assure you,

this is top-of-the-line merchandise.

Or 2,000 hand grenades, to be exact.

Now, milos is asking for 1.9, you're willing to pay 1.7.

Is there perhaps a middle ground?

ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA www.PSArips.com

Fine, 1.8.

(Chuckles)

And I sleep with your wife.

Milos! Stop, the bombs.

Deal is off.

He would have taken the bombs.

We do not negotiate with terrorists.

(Scoffs) I find new buyer.

Well, how long did it take you to find danek?

Eight months.

I can't wait eight months.

I mean, do you know how long that is?

I have some idea.

Time, it creeps in here.

Plus, I think the Russian red-haired lady in the kitchen

is trying to poison me.

I'm sorry, sweetheart, you were talking.

I'm just having a really hard pregnancy.

I know, I wish I was out so I could help you.

I really wish you were out too, mother.

Well... there might be a way.

Latin lover narrator (Imitates magda): Ooh, vat is the vay? Director: Cut!

And that's a series wrap on the passions of Santos.

So a sincere thank you

to the best and most wonderful crew in the business.

Thank you, grips, for everything you've... gripped.

Uh-uh. Gaffers, thank you for all your gaffes.

Best boy, well, you are the best, obviously.

And on and on, you know, all of you.

And when I choose my next job,

the follow-up to the legendary Santos,

I promise I will take you all with me, be...

Rogelio, that won't be necessary.

Because the entire crew is joining me

in my next telenovela,

the sweeping historical epic Fernando e Isabel.

Sorry, ro, they roll right into production.

Grip number two, how could you?

And you'll never guess who's playing Fernando.

(Gasps)

I know, I feel really bad,

but I have to go because of orientation.

You're good; Give me mateo and go.

Go.

Oh, baby, oh.

(Mateo fussing) Okay.

(Mateo coughs, spits up) Aah...

Aah, aah...

Oh, my goodness, oh, my goodness.

Is it terrible?

Yeah, you want to trade outfits?

Definitely not.

Rogelio: No.

Not on my watch. Wardrobe.

Latin lover narrator: Which brings us here, now,

to Jane's big milestone.

And I think ultimately everything I want to express

comes from that early childhood trauma.

And all the heroin I used to do.

Whoa, this is intense.

I think Jane was anticipating

more of a wine-and-cheese mixer kind of thing.

Sorry. So sorry.

We'll give you a second to join us.

Okay, thank you.

You must be Jane gloriana.

You might be wondering why Jane isn't using her last name.

See, she had a pretty significant Google problem.

Okay, that last one's not so bad.

Yep.

And I just want to apologize for being late.

That is so unlike me.

Oh, and I want to say I'm sorry for missing the beginning

of your story, because it sounds so intense.

And interesting.

Chavez: If you're tethered to your electronic leash,

then you're not present, are you?

Oh, I'm really sorry, it' just...

"Men have become tools of their tools."

Henry David Thoreau.

So, Jane, tell us what you hope to gain from grad school.

Oh, I want to finish my novel. (Others chuckling)

Well, if you'd have been here on time,

you would have heard me say

that I'm not here to help you finish your novel.

I'm here to help you grow as a writer.

(Stammers)

That sounds great too.

(Cell phone buzzes)

Latin lover narrator: Okay, mommy or school?

(Phone continues buzzing)

I'm really sorry. I have to take this.

Hello, this is Jane, is everything okay?

Hi, there. Is mateo missing a hat?

Because we found one in our waiting room.

Nope, not us.

Thanks.

(Sighs)

Latin lover narrator: Well, it is a milestone.

Latin lover narrator: You should know we've jumped a month.

Like I said, time flies!

And Jane, btw, had really doubled down on school.

¶ ¶

Professor Chavez?

Do you have a sec to talk about my piece?

I wrote extensive notes.

Oh, I know. I feel like I owe you a new pen.

(Laughs)

No? Okay.

I just... um, you write

that "there's a predictability to the love story."

And there is, yeah.

But that's kind of one of the conceits of the genre, right?

That's not license to be derivative.

Look, you have potential.

But it just feels like... I don't know...

A first draft.

Rushed.

You might be right.

I mean, with a new baby, it's hard to focus.

That's understood.

That's why the writer's retreat next month will be great for you.

Latin lover narrator: Like an away from home retreat?

Gotcha.

And wait, just-just, just asking, um...

Is this a mandatory thing, technically?

This is grad school, Jane.

Nothing's mandatory. You chose to be here.

Latin lover narrator: Which she knew was true, after all.

¶ Where, oh, where is the big brown bear? ¶

¶ did he climb a tree? ¶

¶ did he scrape his knee? ¶

¶ did he count to nine? Did he climb the vine? ¶

Latin lover narrator: Let's check in on some milestones, shall we?

First, mateo's...

¶ Did he climb a tree? ¶

¶ did he scrape his knee? ¶

¶ did he count to nine? ¶

¶ did he climb a vine? ¶

¶ where, oh, where is the big brown bear? ¶

¶ did you look, can you hear ¶

¶ is the brown bear near? ¶

and Rafael...

¶ Did he run off in a hurry? ¶

¶ wait, stop! What's that sound? ¶

¶ everybody turn around ¶

¶ where, oh, where is the big brown bear? ¶

¶ did you look, can you hear ¶

and, of course, our Jane.

¶ Is he lost, is he worried? ¶

¶ did he run off in a hurry? ¶

¶ wait, stop! What's that sound? ¶

¶ everybody turn around ¶

¶ look right there, it's the big brown bear ¶

¶ he did not get lost ¶

¶ but he ate up all my applesauce. ¶

wow, that new choreography

is overly complicated, am I right?

It's only because you haven't been here all month.

We've been learning it in sections.

Oh. Yeah.

We've missed you. I know.

Summer school, now grad school...

The work is intense.

I don't know how you do it.

Hey, did Charlie ever recover

from the great lovey meltdown of 2015?

You gotta tell Jane, it's funny.

It wasn't funny.

I dropped Charlie at his dad's

and I forgot his lovey.

And he screamed for the full hour it took me to go home,

get it, drive back to his dad's...

So I heard that story,

I went out and I bought ten loveys.

You did not! Jill: That's hilarious.

I did, I was panicked!

I want loveys everywhere.

(Laughter)

Latin lover narrator: It should be noted that these two

had reached a few new relationship milestones

this past month, as well.

Let me ask you something.

Hmm?

Do you like mateo?

I want him to stay grounded.

I just... It seems pretty austere.

"Money for health and education costs,

"with everything else left in savings

until he's 50"? He needs to learn the value of hard work.

Won't he learn that from us? Well, yeah, but it's different.

What is? Growing up knowing that you can just buy

ten backup loveys if something goes wrong.

Wow.

I just mean... No, it's fine.

I'll return the loveys.

(Phone buzzing)

I should probably take this.

You know, you don't have to starve to be a good person.

Hello?

(Startled shout)

Please, mum, may I have some more?

Petra: Hi. (Gasps)

Do you have a second?

Latin lover narrator: Ah, yes, Petra.

She, too, had reached some milestones.

Mateo's wearing the onesie I got him!

He looks so cute!

Yeah, thanks again.

Latin lover narrator: Huh. I get the feeling

she's buttering Jane up.

Sorry, I have to eat every 15 minutes or I vomit.

Is there something that you wanted, Petra?

Look...

My pregnancy's been... Difficult.

Well, my mother is up for parole soon,

and I was wondering

if maybe your family would support her release?

Latin lover narrator: Ah, this must be vat magda vas talking about.

She pushed my grandmother down the stairs.

I know. And I-I get why you would say no.

Um...

But I'm pregnant

and overwhelmed by the...

Latin lover narrator: Grenades.

...baby.

Would you at least consider it?

Rogelio: That's a hard no.

I must pass on every projects you have presented.

Because I have found my next project.

It is a perfect follow-up to Santos.

A telenovela version of mad men.

We'll call it

hombres locos, no?

The original is a masterpiece,

but mine will move much faster...

It's a fasterpiece, if you will.

I will play don Juan draper,

somewhat like jon hamm,

but very good-looking.

First episode, bam!

Don Juan

shoots his wife beatriz

and sets off in search of his one true love.

Wow.

What can I say?

We're really interested.

We'll give him a limited budget,

he'll drive it into the ground

and then we'll Heather Locklear him.

Put him on whatever show needs a ratings boost.

Mateo had a nice little growth spurt.

And he's meeting all his milestones.

That's great.

Now, I do have to tell you something.

And I don't want you to panic.

What's going on?

Mateo's got a fairly pronounced case

of what we call plagiocephaly.

And that sounds worse than it is.

Basically, it means he's got a flat head.

A flat head? Why?

Well, he's probably spending

a little too much time laying flat on his back.

Because babies need to sleep on their backs,

we really need to be vigilant about tummy time.

Latin lover narrator: Uh-oh.

Look, it's largely cosmetic.

But mateo's condition is pronounced,

so there could be some visual disturbances,

dental problems...

Which is why

some parents choose a helmet.

A helmet?

To reshape the head.

It has to be custom-fitted,

so mateo would wear it 23 hours a day

for about three months.

Oh, my God.

I know it sounds like a long time.

But trust me, time flies.

Anyway, talk it over.

But if you're going to move forward,

you should have him fitted soon.

They take a while to make.

Uh, okay.

Uh, we'll... Talk it over,

we'll research it.

Yes... later.

I know you have to go.

Latin lover narrator: What could be more important

than his child's doctor appointment?

Ah. His other child's doctor appointment.

Maybe we should reschedule. Milos: No.

We stay.

I can't take your money.

Fine, go ahead with baby picture.

Okay, so... that

is a little girl.

And that's another little girl.

Wow! You're having twins!

No. No, I'm not.

Yeah. Yeah, you are.

Do they run in the family?

No! No, definitely not!

Twins?

Latin lover narrator: For those of you

keeping track at home,

that's now three children for Rafael.

And zero sex.

Latin lover narrator: What is she doing?

Come on.

(Panting)

Latin lover narrator: Oh!

No... I guess they decided on the helmet.

Oh, I'm missing it...

¶ Pale hands with shaky rings ¶

¶ stale taste for finer things... ¶

oh, come on...

¶ Have you thought of what it really means now ¶

¶ to let somebody in... ¶

Latin lover narrator: So, yes,

a few milestones of note, here.

¶ Would you, darling, show me how ¶

¶ to blindly give it all out loud ¶

¶ until I'm wearing thin ¶

¶ could you rid your devils? ¶

¶ could you stay and settle down? ¶

¶ just to pass the time with me? ¶

¶ could you rid your devils? ¶

¶ run through fields and meadows? ¶

¶ does it scare you when you think ¶

¶ when you think... ¶

my love!

Oh!

Oh, Petra!

Let me look at you.

Latin lover narrator: So, yes.

A few milestones of note here, too.

(Vocalist improvising gently with melody)

(Song ends)

Wow!

We thick around middle, huh?

Yes, I'm pregnant with twins.

Yes, I know, but it's still early.

We don't want to be house.

Mother, it's not constructive

when you say things that diminish me.

And right now, I'm-I'm really trying to-to create

an atmosphere of positivity around myself.

What are you talking about?

I've started seeing a therapist.

It's been a stressful month and Dr. klein has really helped me

reframe things in a, in a positive light.

Everything happens for a reason.

I'm pregnant with twins.

Therefore, Jane took pity on me, helped get you out.

Therefore, you can help to get rid of the grenades.

What is that? Is that--?

Is that a tear?

Ah...

Just to scare peoples off.

Really?

Yes, really.

Come.

Mommy help you get rid of milos.

And therapist.

So I told him, like, I will get rid of you.

Mm-mm. Hey.

Hey, what's up? Hey!

How are you? Good.

It's nice to be out here, away from everything.

But I'm sorry, go on. You were talking.

Oh.

Sorry, it's, uh, weird.

I was talking pretty personally about my ex-boyfriend

and we just, like, don't really know each other.

Wesley! You are being so rude.

What? It's true. I mean, we're constantly telling

personal stories in class, and there's no reciprocity.

Seriously, just stop.

I feel overexposed.

We know nothing personal about her.

Okay, fine.

Do you want to know something personal?

My son just got a medical helmet put on his head,

and I couldn't be there.

A helmet-- why?

Because he has a flat head

from spending too much time on his back,

while I've been writing... Badly, apparently.

So I'm failing at being a writer and a mom.

Well, I feel better.

Finally, some reciprocity.

So, what's the rest of your story, Jane gloriana?

Uh, well, for one thing, that's not my real name...

Latin lover narrator: And so Jane told them the whole shebang.

Highlights included:

Accidental insemination,

a rich, hot baby daddy and a broken engagement,

mateo's kidnapping,

Jane: That's it

in a nutshell.

Wow.

Well, nice to meet you.

And maybe it was the fact that she'd opened up,

but that night, Jane's writing started flowing, too.

Oh, wait, that one's real.

No...

Okay, this isn't good.

Boobs really bursting.

Cut!

We'll go tighter just on my eyes.

Rogelio.

Hello...

My favorite network big shot.

Great to see you.

Can we talk?

As producer, director or star?

Producer.

Okay, as producer, the director is great.

We still have a lot of shots left to make our day, so...

Oh, I'll be quick.

You're out of money and way behind schedule.

We're pulling the plug.

What?

The plug?

Thank you.

So, are you ready to see the cutest little man ever?

Oh!

Oh, my God, ever!

Oh, oh, oh!

He should be up any minute and be ready to eat.

Okay, I'll wait to pump then.

So, did your lawyer call back again?

Yes.

Does he want to kill me? No.

Latin lover narrator: A direct quote from his lawyer:

"I want to kill her."

Oh, I'm just still thinking

through all the different scenarios.

I mean, we can give him money under certain conditions.

I know, but here's the thing.

No matter how we slice it,

mateo's rich.

I know.

It's just so weird.

Oh. (Laughs)

I'm raising a rich kid.

And-and that's just not the way I grew up.

You know, and you said that your childhood was all screwed up.

Yeah, but not because I had money.

I was screwed up, because of my family.

And that's why...

...I'm fighting so hard for ours.

I... don't want to complicate things.

It would actually uncomplicate things.

It wouldn't.

Why?

Because I'm not over him yet.

I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.

No, no, it's, um,

it's good that I know.

(Mateo cries)

I'm gonna feed him.

He's really mad. Sweetie, what's wrong?

It's probably the helmet.

He just feels weird.

Keep trying.

Maybe he's not hungry.

No, this is his hungry scream!

Just give me the bottle!

Here, here, here, here.

Oh, my God.

He's weaned off me.

Where's mateo?

Ah, there he is!

And...

Jill: So, is he still not nursing?

No, just me and the pump.

Up every three hours. Ah.

Well, it's nice to have you back in class.

Not that we mind having the occasional daddy.

I know, Rafael's way better at the hand choreography.

So, you guys are definitely...

Not together, right?

Um, no-- why?

This is awkward. What is?

Sometimes it-it feels like there's kind of a...

Vibe...

Between me and Rafael.

Oh.

Is it weird that, like,

I'm even bringing it up?

I-- no, it's not.

Are you sure?

Yes. (Laughs)

(Laughs) Yeah.

I mean, I only hesitated

because I think it's weird

that you even think that it was weird

because it's not at all. It's...

Whew, like... Okay.

Of course it's weird they have a vibe.

What does that even mean?!

That they get along well and there's chemistry.

Hilarious. Agreed.

Latin lover narrator: Well, these two have gotten chummy.

I know, I can't be weird about it.

I have to rise above it.

You're human and he's hot.

But let me ask you this.

If you were with Michael,

would you care who your baby daddy was dating?

No, I wouldn't.

So? Look, you're doing the right thing

by keeping it plutonic with Rafael.

I mean, after everything you've told me

about his insane family--

I know, it's, like, the curse of the solanos.

(Rogelio screams)

(Melodramatic dialogue over TV)

What's going on?!

They're making fun of me on television!

(Singing in Spanish)

You know the sincerest form of flattery-- revenge!

Which I will get in the ratings once hombres locos premieres.

But, dad, it was shut down.

Well, I have secured a private investor.

Which I was going to announce

when I saw this atrocity!

Latin lover narrator: And speaking of atrocities...

Good-bye, milos. Have a safe trip.

Sorry to be leaving you,

my pregnant princess, but it's better

I find a buyer from Prague, so I don't kill your mother.

She's driving me insane.

Oh, good, their plan is working.

That's because you eat like animal.

And you don't pick up your socks.

(Huffs)

And as soon as he is gone, they'll ditch the grenades.

(Knocking on door)

Ah, good. Ivan.

Ivan-- the man

they accidentally took hostage?

Hello again, ladies.

What's he doing here?

He's staying with you, sweetheart.

To make sure you and your cow of a mother

don't get rid of my bombs.

And speaking of cows, (Phone ringing)

The past month, there's been a lot of this...

Hey.

Pumping? Always.

How'd he go down? Oh, easy.

I mean, I rocked him for, like, ten minutes and he was out.

So, you know Charlie's mom

from music class?

She kind of... I don't know, she kind of asked me out.

Yeah, she actually asked me first...

(Chuckles) If it was weird.

Oh.

And... is it?

Of course not.

Okay.

That's great.

Anyway, I'm done,

so I should head to bed.

I got to be up

in two hours and 40 minutes.

Okay, all right, good night.

Bye.

(Phone beeps off)

(Sighs)

Jane?

Jane!

To fall asleep while someone's reading their work?

I know, I feel terribly and-and I promise it won't happen again.

There are a lot of people that want to be here

and you need to prove you're one of them.

Mm-hmm.

Until then...

You're on academic probation.

Latin lover narrator: And she thought a c- was bad.

Latin lover narrator: Oops. My mistake.

I'm exhausted just looking at her.

Jane, as you can imagine,

has been burning the candle at both ends.

(Crying)

Oh, mateo, I know, I know.

It's okay, Mr. sweetface.

I got you.

Come on. Okay, come here.

Shush, let's find your lovey--

oh, ow, mommy's booby!

Have you seen his lovey?

Which brings us here

to Jane just plain burning up.

I'm fine. His lovey, abuela!

His lovey?

Um...

It's here.

Rafael: So you're pretty sick, huh?

Apparently.

What are you holding on your boob?

A hot diaper, because I have a clogged duct.

And mastitis, apparently, which means that my boob has the flu

and it feels like glass shards are shooting out when I pump.

Gotcha.

Uh, maybe you should stop.

What? Pumping.

I planned to nurse for a year.

Nurse, not pump.

And you got to be able to change your plan, right?

I mean, if it's not working.

Just shut up and go away.

What?

I'm serious.

Shut up and go away.

You okay?

Yeah.

She was just a little...

Bitchy? I know.

She's the worst when she's sick.

Uh, what?

Jane: I can hear you!

And I hate all of you!

Ivan: I hate to say this,

but I have to leave.

What?!

Why?

Milos was arrested for Internet scamming in Prague.

Latin lover narrator: Which Petra knew, of course,

since she and her mom had been copying his files

and sending them to the Czech authorities for the past month.

I have to go, see who I can bribe.

Yes.

Hey.

What are you doing back here?

Jill was tired after the charity gala,

and I just wanted to make sure you were feeling better.

I am.

And look, I'm sorry about before.

(Chuckles) I've heard of mean drunks, but...

I-I know it's weird.

It's, like, a fever thing, I think. Uh-huh.

But what you said--

don't you think it's selfish to stop pumping?

I mean, what if mateo's IQ is a point lower?

Or-or he gets more colds?

Look, with everything happening

with you in school full-time and not sleeping...

You really think I should stop? Even with all the benefits?

Mateo is eating solids now,

and he's doing great.

And I just would like to see you start feeling great, too.

Okay.

Oh, my God, I'm so relieved.

I mean, it'll take a month to wean,

but the end is in sight.

Petra: Finally!

I'm so glad to be rid of these things.

Someone could have been killed.

Magda: Oops, one more.

Petra: Oh, my God.

I think the babies are kicking.

Wait, where is the pin?

(Booming) (Screams)

Mother, please reconsider.

Let's do something for Thanksgiving.

What I have to be grateful for?

My hook?

Petra?

Oh. You okay?

Yeah. How's your mother?

Slightly better.

(Mateo fusses)

(Gasps) What?

I know.

I know what you want.

Yeah.

Who taught you to do all the...

Uh, baby stuff?

My mom's not exactly nurturing.

Eh, forget it.

You were a natural, I'm sure.

Oh, my God, no.

(Chuckling): Not at all.

Oh, I felt like I knew nothing.

I still do, actually.

But it's like he's been with me the whole time.

It's weird.

I don't feel prepared.

Yeah, well, you never really are.

You know, it's a hard balance.

It's kind of like you learn on the job.

And just when you think you've figured it out,

something changes.

And then you have to do everything different.

You'll be okay.

So I hear you two finally have a plan.

A two-part plan, in fact.

Part one: To review the plan every three years,

'cause we plan to reevaluate and readjust the plan as need be.

Gotcha. And does part two have something I could write down?

Yes, we've decided to attach mateo's trust fund to a charity.

So for every dollar he gets, he has to give a dollar away.

I'd like to thank my parents, of course,

for instilling in me the desire to give back.

Thank you to my mentors,

Michelle Obama and Angelina Jolie,

whose fight to make sure all girls receive an education

led me to the peace corps and let girls learn.

I'm here at the un because more than 62 million girls

do not have access to an education...

(Gasps)

I'm sorry, I have to go pee-pee.

Latin lover narrator: And speaking of a huge relief...

Well, did the telemasivo execs like hombres locos?

They... loved it.

Wow, that's a shock.

First of all, they thought it was hilarious.

I was, like, "it's a comedy, (Chuckles) But okay."

Then they say I was like a young... uh...

Oh, "desi arnaz."

Remember to Google that guy.

Whew.

Xiomara: You okay?

Just relieved.

The passions of Santos was

the most popular telenovela on earth.

To follow that up, scrutiny will be intense.

Aw, I-I didn't realize you were feeling such pressure.

I hide my nerves incredibly well.

It's one of my most underrated talents.

(Knocking on door)

Jane: Helmet's off.

Alba: Muy lindo.

Rogelio: Yay, no helmet. Xiomara: Yay!

Latin lover narrator: Which brings us to a big old milestone.

Oh, and also...

And finally...

Well, this year is easy.

I'm thankful for mateo.

All day, every day.

Health and hair.

Always health and hair.

And I'm thankful I got to see how hard you work, rogelio.

It's inspired me to get after it,

my singing career, this year.

Go, mom!

Rafael?

This.

Grateful for all of it.

(Doorbell rings) Jane: That must be Petra.

I left mateo's lovey at Rafael's office,

and she said she'd bring it.

Latin lover narrator: It should be noted,

after the great lovey debacle of last month,

there were now three backup loveys in this very house.

I have the lovey.

Thank you so much.

He wouldn't have been able to sleep.

You know what, come in.

Since you're here and there's so much food.

Oh, no, no, I'm fine.

Really, I'd like it.

Come in.

Yeah, okay.

Thank you.

And thus Petra too was grateful.

And briefly, all was right.

(Cell phone rings)

It's my lawyer.

Probably calling to rave about the show.

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

And who exactly is this Matthew weiner?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And what does a "cease and desist" mean, anyway?

Jane: Stop.

No more dishes.

We'll finish tomorrow.

So, can I ask you a question?

That's rhetorical, right?

'Cause you're gonna ask me anyway.

What happened between you and Jill?

I bumped into her this morning at the supermarket,

and she acted all weird.

I told you-- we fizzled out.

It was more than "fizzled out" weird.

Okay, do you remember the night I realized

you're actually a very mean person?

Oh, my God, seriously?

Anyway, as cranky and stinky and mean as you were...

I hope this story has a point.

...I realized

that I would still rather be with you.

At your worst.

So Jill just wasn't the person.

Latin lover narrator: And in that moment,

Rafael saw a window opening for him.

It's getting hot in here, huh?

Go on a date with me.

Just one.

Say yes.

And maybe it was the Turkey,

or the first glass of wine post-pumping,

or just the fact that enough time had finally passed...

...but Jane said...

Yes.

Michael: Officer barnett.

Michael.

We need to talk.

No, don't be sorry.

I'm just sad you can't make it for dessert.

Wesley: I know, I'm just stuck at my mom's.

Bye, Jane.

Sorry. Where were we?

Are you sure no one's gonna find out we spoke?

No way-- "anonymous sources."

Come on, for a thousand bucks, you better have good stuff.

Trust me, I got plenty of dirt on the solanos.

I mean, after everything you've told me

about his insane family...

I know, it's like the curse of the solanos.

Latin lover narrator: That's not fair-- the solanos aren't cursed.

In fact, there's Petra,

and she's on a bit of an upswing.

Magda.

Looking good.

Here's the thing.

Milos knows you two set him up.

He will forgive Petra, his wife, I suppose.

But will Petra forgive you

when she finds out what else you're hiding?

(Screams)

It was accident?

Latin lover narrator: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she's on the hook for that one.