Original subtitles

- Right... a boat scene. - Cue the music!

Oh, come on, we can do better than that.

No...

No...

No...

♪ I'm on a boat and, it's goin' fast and... ♪

I don't know what that is.

Hello, viewers, you join me in the Pacific.

Not the HBO series, the actual ocean.

We're heading over there to Japan's third largest city:

Osaka.

My high-brow sociopolitical essay on Japan

has so far seen me travel 1,000 miles

to fall off a sled...

And be crushed under the weight of a gigantic penis.

I'm dying. Ow!

Last time, in Kyoto,

I got lost in translation...

Bim, guess what?

You just said that, you digital!

Lost my rag at Mount Fuji...

I'm having an artistic tantrum. I've had enough of this!

- And lost all feeling in my buttocks

for the following three days.

This time... this.

I am Ultraman!

Whoa! Whoa!

My new Japanese mates tell me that Japanese people

in the other cities of Japan... I mean Tokyo, obviously...

Tend to look down their noses at the people of Osaka,

and they think they are a bit rude,

and a bit rough-and-ready; a bit vulgar, even.

Osaka has a reputation

for being a bit grubbier than Tokyo.

It has a bit more crime, a bit more litter.

I like the sound of it already.

Osaka's a busy industrial port city

that's known as the Manchester of the East.

It's got swagger, a mad-fer-it nightlife,

and I can't understand what anyone's saying.

To experience downtown Osaka properly,

and to get a bit to eat because I've been at sea for days,

I'm meeting my local guide, Ha-Chan, to get a short tour.

- Hello. - James-san.

- My name is Ha-Chandas, nice to meet you. - And you.

- Welcome to Osaka, Japan, thank you. - Thank you very, very much.

I know your name before. I very appreciate film together,

- thank you so much. - No-no, thank you.

- Okay! - It's a pleasure to meet you.

- Me, too. - I'm starving.

Okay.

- Can we eat? - Sure.

- Sashimi and beer. - Sure. Let's go.

And then, noodles.

Ha-Chan's taking me around the bright and bonkers district

of Dotonbori to experience the sights,

sounds, and squid.

All right, octopus.

See, I love that this is all... Everything's sort of

- got colors and designs over it. - Yeah, this is...

- Uh, designs. - Rockets.

See, look at that lantern, I love that.

So y-you're from Osaka?

Yes, 100% Osaka.

100% Osakan okonomiyaki person.

Yeah, takoyaki.

So what... Why do people in Tokyo sort of... They look down

- on Osaka a bit and think it's a bit... - Mmm...

- it's a bit below them, don't they? - I don't know why.

I don't know. Do you know?

Is it because this is... I wonder if it's 'cause

this is a good time city.

This actually feels a bit like Tokyo did 20 years ago.

It's a bit more... mad.

I mean, what's that dragon for there?

This is a ramen restaurant. It's a whatta?

- Ramen. Restaurant. - Ramen.

Ramen hangover food.

And what do they eat in Tokyo for hangovers?

Osaka has a proud reputation as the street food capital

of Japan, and everywhere I look,

there are mouthwatering local delicacies.

Unfortunately, Ha-Chan seems to have forgotten

that bit of our chat, and keeps pointing out things

that are completely inedible.

Uh, James, stop here. Look down.

That's very nice.

Do you know what this looks like?

It's a pagoda.

- Osaka Castle. - Oh, that's Osaka Castle?

This is a very famous place.

- This is a manhole cover. - Oh, wow.

You see?

Do you actually have that

- all the time in your bag? - Yes.

You do?

I manage to steer Ha-Chan away from an engrossing tour

of Osaka's top 30 manhole covers.

But even I get distracted by the bright lights and sounds

of what's round the corner.

Oh, is that pachinko?

Yeah, this is the very famous Japanese pachinko.

Okay, lead on.

Let's go.

I do have some sisters somewhere.

- Let's go! - Coming! I'm coming.

Pachinko is one of Japan's favorite games.

It's like the bastard child of a one-armed bandit

and bagatelle. And even though gambling's

officially pretty much illegal in Japan,

there are around 10,000 of these pachinko parlors

across the country, taking care to skirt

just on the right side of the law.

This looks very, very complicated, and it is.

Balls come out of it, and you fire them into a slot;

it's a bit like a fruit machine, come on the screen...

Okay?

- Uh, right. - Again.

Oh! Look, the balls are coming!

Ooh!

I got one! - Lucky!

Yeah, I got another one! There you go!

Yes!

The name "pachinko" comes from the noise

the tiny balls make when you play.

You might just be able to hear it.

Can you hear what I'm saying? The racket here is incredible.

The sound man, Dan, just told me that the noise in here

is louder than the pit lane at Suzuka.

It's louder than motorcycle racing.

Oh... no, yes!

Yes!

No!

So I've used up all my balls,

so I've won nothing.

- But Ha-Chan has got 14 points. - Yes.

It's 14-nil.

- So you've got 14 balls in there. - Yes, yes.

Japan spends $200 billion a year

playing pachinko.

That's twice the value of their entire

export car industry.

And just taking a look at the prizes on offer,

you can easily see where all that money goes.

2,000 yen gone in about... seven minutes.

That's... well, it's about $20.00 in American money.

And had I been any good, look what I could have won.

I could have had...

this Hello Kitty gonk for 540 balls.

The pillow with the train on,

and the, and the, and the things.

And this, and a wallet, all this.

All this could have been mine.

But before you say "rip-u off-u",

there is a way to see some proper returns.

We just have to do it out of earshot of sono otoko...

Now, I just want to clear up a few things

which I couldn't really explain in there because of the racket.

It is true that it's illegal to win money at pachinko,

because gambling for money is not allowed outside

of licensed places such as horse racing pitches.

That's why you have to win a cuddly toy.

So you can't, you can't win the money,

but what you can do, on the quiet,

which is why we have to be very discreet filming this,

is you can exchange your balls,

or your Hello Kitty, for this ingot.

And you can change that for money,

but you can't do it in there,

because that would be too blatant, so you have to go...

- Where do you go? - Over there to the money.

Let's go, shall we go? Over there. Let's go?

Okay. Well... you go, because I'm a gaijin.

Or a more accurate translation, I'm a wuss.

We do have to be a bit discreet about this,

because... it's sort of illegal in the way...

I don't know... speeding is, something like that.

Ah! I got...

Da-duh!

That was really ungentlemanly

- to make you do that. - 2,000 yen.

- Oh, we've got half our money back. - Yes.

I realize that that's your money,

but can we go and spend it on street food?

Yes.

Thank God.

Ha-Chan mentioned something earlier

called "hangover takoyaki"

which is made from those enticing octopuses...

And yes, you can say "octopuses"

rather than "octopi."

In fact, "octopus" is of Greek origin,

and the plural in that is "octopodes",

so if we're using the morphological sys...

Oh, hang on, I'm talking over the scene.

Ha-Chan mentioned something earlier

called "hangover takoyaki", which is made from squid.

-Is this like a pancake? Made with... -Uh, no, no, no.

So what...

Yes! Yeah, that's a very big piece, yeah.

This is why our local comes here.

How much does it cost?

Uh... here.

You can have a look.

Six pieces. Hey, it's cheap as hell.

It's 400... It's like three, three quid.

- Okini. - Okini.

Okini, okini.

- Mmm. - Ooh, I've got lots of fishy bits with that.

Okay.

The fishy flakes...

they taste of an old Japanese house.

I know that sounds like a stupid thing to say,

but it does taste like an old Japanese house.

This food presenter lark is easy.

Osaka's slogan is "kuidaore!"

Meaning "ruin yourself with food."

Although another translation is

"eat yourself bankrupt."

And just down the street, you can certainly do that.

God, look at the price of that!

Oh, my God!

That's 70 English pounds for a piece of beef.

For that much money, you could buy a cow in England.

Not a very good one, but...

Kobe beef is the Bugatti Veyron of dead animal bits;

but I wonder if their reputedly pampered

and expensive lifestyle is just a load

of old bullocks.

What we believe in England,

the cows live in very special fields

- in very nice, remote areas, beautiful grass. - Mm-hmm.

They only eat the grass, and people go and massage them,

and pat them on the head, and you know,

give them a rub, and talk to them...

- The cow is listen to the music. - Do they?

- Yes! Jazz music. - Oh, jazz music?

- Yeah. - Oh, well, it should taste excellent, then.

It's a pity it's not Kobe pig,

otherwise they'd all be listening to Charlie Porker.

Well, I liked it.

Anyway, here it is, Mooey Armstrong.

- Oh, my God. - Sumimasen.

It's not very big, is it?

Excellent. Go on, then.

Tell me what it's like.

Oh, my God, it melts in my mouth.

Really?

Is it very, very soft?

Touch of salt, here we go.

How is it?

- Very different taste. - It's extremely nice, actually.

- Mmm. - I never tried this 10,000 Kobe beef before.

- Really? - Yes.

But you only live down there.

Yes, I live in this area,

but not too much this area.

Not too much to eat Kobe beef.

Because very... not so...

not so local price, right? Expensive? Will be...

Is this the tourist price?

- Oh, is it? Oh, there you go. - But taste is... I like it.

The Japanese rob you.

You heard it here first.

There now follows a rather awkward encounter,

where the English travel presenter,

thanks to copious beer-us,

misses all the signs from his guide

that she just wants a compliment.

- It's a great life here actually, because... - Mm...

it's warm, you've got the river, you've got all the bars...

- Mm-hmm... - you've got the amazing lights...

- Mm-hmm... - it's not windy...

There's all this great food...

beer, everybody seems very cheerful and friendly

and a bit mad. It's great...

Thank you, thank you.

Yes, we recommend Osaka.

You should come to Osaka.

Filled with great shame and dishonor

at my total lack of manners,

I agree to face the ultimate Japanese punishment...

- a selfie. Funny face! Funny face!

Thank you!

Thank you so much. Yatta!

Kawaii. It is cute.

Next morning, along with the rest of Osaka,

I'm in something of a beer and octoballs coma.

But the crew assure me that they have something

that'll wake me right up.

I am Ultraman!

I'm actually a children's manga comic superhero

with martial arts powers.

Although, weirdly, I feel more like a knob.

Now, I know what you're all thinking,

but Nintendo are famously litigious,

and our lawyers have also advised us to make

no Link to official characters.

And, even if this looks the Samus that,

to Kirby any mention of them.

I'll admit I had no idea who Ultraman was,

but all our Japanese fixers and our friends knew immediately.

But this sort of thing is perfectly normal.

You dress up as your favorite manga character

and you drive around Osaka in a children's go-kart.

And, as you can see, there's nothing

in the karting company's name

to bring that other property to mind whatsoever.

They do it in Tokyo as well. Not tourists, locals.

Unfortunately, unlike most games,

here, you only get one life.

Crikey.

We're not going on the expressway, are we?

I haven't got any money for the tolls.

Given that the Japanese seem to quite like rules and so on,

I'm surprised this is allowed.

I mean, it shouldn't be allowed on all sorts of levels.

It's two-stroke, it's dirty, it's actually a child's toy,

it's not really road legal and it's silly.

It's good, isn't it?

Konnichiwa.

Domo arigato. Sumimasen.

Unintendo legal consequences aside,

Wii may feel ridiculous,

but despite the Switch in characters,

this is the SNES best thing

to being in that unmentioned karting sim,

even if the lawyers aren't Game... Boy.

This Japanese obsession with manga comic characters

and superheroes and pocket monsters and all the rest of it,

it's completely real.

It's not just something we've imagined in the West.

They pervade absolutely everything.

They're on signposts, they're in the instruction manuals

for appliances, they're in people's bedrooms,

they're in restaurants, lucky cat, everywhere.

I've suddenly wondered, is it something to do with Shintoism?

Because if you've got millions of gods

and everything is invested with a spirit,

then it seems perfectly reasonable to populate the world

with lots of fictitious little characters

that you can adopt as your own.

It's just a thought.

I know that's a bit profound for someone dressed up

in a children's fancy dress costume, but there it is.

A superhero's work is never done.

Right. Where to now?

But now have a look at this.

No, not there.

Here?

Now, so far we've seen that Osaka is the Japanese capital

of eating, especially on the street.

It's also the capital of bright lights, garishness,

noise, generally having a good time and that's all great.

I can enjoy a beer and a takoyaki

like anybody else in the world,

but it is also the font of Japanese humor.

Down these stairs, in fact, is a typical Osakan comedy club.

The trouble with this is we know... we all know...

Comedy does not translate.

I mean, that's not funny.

It just isn't funny.

Although there have been many times on this trip

where my appearance has been met with laughter...

well, usually...

if I want to get laughs from a Japanese audience

on purpose, I need some help.

I need a loudmouthed ball of energy,

who, more importantly, will gladly march towards

inevitable onstage death at his sensei's command.

There's only one man for the job.

My trusty Samurai "Deodorant" from Tokyo, Yujiro.

His wife made it for you! My God!

Earplugs on standby.

Now, the problem with this, I think,

is that humor doesn't translate.

It's too subtle and it just... Something that works in English

that we think is hilarious is just banal in Japanese.

-Yeah. -So what we did here as part of this experiment,

we will either prove that humor doesn't translate,

or we will surprise ourselves and discover that it does.

I've given Yujiro a wide selection of jokes in English,

to choose what might work best for a Japanese audience.

Everything from chin-strokey New Yorker satire

to absolute bottom of the barrel Christmas cracker jokes.

Guess which he's picked.

- And the ones you've chosen are... - Yes.

The first one. The-the...

uh, "My Boss."

"My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home."

-Well, I think it's funny. -Okay, well, if you think it's funny, that's what matters,

-'cause then we'll see if it works in Japanese. - Yes, I hope so, yes.

- And the second one. - "The other day,

my wife asked me to pass her lipstick,

"but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me."

Is it funny in Japanese?

Well, uh, 80%. 80%.

- 80%. Okay. - 80%.

It might seem like we've bombed

before we've even started,

but a lot of Japanese humor is based on kotoba asobi,

dajare and even oyaji gag.

And, in case that wasn't enough pressure, on the bill tonight

is also a famous veteran Japanese double act,

Sen Saru Man, who give some words of encouragement

for Yujiro.

Will the Japanese

be kind?

We're going to die.

Oh, my God.

They're bloody professionals out there.

They are bloody professionals.

Oh, my gosh.

Sensing Yujiro's nerves, I do my best

to reassure him.

If you were performing in England...

- Yeah. - And I was introducing you...

- Yeah. - I would say,

"Next up, ladies and gentleman, is the Japanese Tintin,"

and that would already give you a head start

because you do look a bit like Tintin, but Japanese.

- You're on. - No, no.

- I think... - It does.

- I think you're on. - No, but it's a character.

- You're on, I think. - Is it... You're on.

- What-what? Wha... what? - They're ready.

- What... already? - Yes.

- I-I heard it's 7:00. No? - No, no.

- Are you serious? - Yes.

I'm suddenly getting... I-I'm not prepared.

- You can't be prepared, just go and tell some jokes.

Luckily for Yujiro, I'm a dab hand

at stress management techniques.

Go... ah-ah, eh-eh, oh-oh.

For once, Yujiro seems to be speechless.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Oh, no, there it is.

Ah, first British joke!

- Yay! - Okay?

"Have a great day."

Okay!

Yujiro's following the golden rule

of many big TV stars:

when things go wrong, blame the crew.

Hey, James May!

In the interest of science, I can't declare this experiment

a failure without testing the other subject.

So, here's a Japanese joke translated for you.

Mic drop.

Lead on. You're choosing the bar. Okay.

Whoa.

Looks like a nice shop.

Well, we can't go in a maid bar.

What? "Kuroneco," it's only a black cat.

- You know... - Yeah, but they...

Y-You own cats, right?

- Yes. - And there's cats here, too.

But they're not cats, they're teenage girls.

- Well... - You can't go in a maid bar.

But Master James, seeing is believing.

You have to see with your own eyes.

Well, I've seen them on the street

in Tokyo and other bits of Osaka.

- No, no, I... - It's pervy.

No, it's not pervy, it's not lewd.

- And they are... - What?

They are, they are actresses.

- Black cat actresses. - Yeah, but they're acting

a really classic male fantasy of a French maid.

- French maid. Yeah... - That is a strippergram.

- How's that... - You know the word,

- you know the word cosplay? - Yes.

- Costume play. - Yes, I've done it.

Uh... you've done it?

- Yes. - Then this...

- I was Ultraman. - You were Ultraman?

- Yeah. - Then I think this is the shop for you.

- This is a cosplay shop. - No, but that's pervy.

Time to call for backup from my Japanese fixer, Mai.

Konbonwa.

- I don't believe him. - That's pervy, isn't it?

-I think so. It is, yes. -Really? -There you go, it's pervy.

But the... Japan is a country of perverts.

- Thank you. - You see,

it's a natural... We are natural-born perverts.

-I mean, I... this is... Yes. Yeah... Yes. -Okay.

-That's fine. You're a pervert... -Are you gonna buy me a beer?

- That... - Yeah, but not in there.

Oh. Oh, really?

- No, come on. - You just said yourself, Mai.

You're a Japanese woman. It's pervy.

- Let's go in and find out... - Yes.

I don't need to find out. - how pervy it is.

- You've just told me its pervy. - No...

- I can see from the sign... - They are nice,

nice, nice, nice...

- No, I will never work ag... - nice black cat, nice woman.

- This... - Yes. I'm pushing you in.

- I'm only doing this 'cause Mai is here, okay? - Yes.

- Yes. - Jesus, that's terrible.

- You can't do that. - Why?

- They are black cats. - It's pervy.

- You know, black cats. - It's pervy.

No, no, no.

Konbanwa.

Konbanwa.

Okay, have a seat.

- Have a seat. - Thank you.

I think there's...

- Hey, James. - Run for it.

It's pervy.

Hey, James. James!

Our legal team would like to point out that this sort

of café is common in Japan and completely harmless.

All girls in the maid café are over 18 and excellent dusters.

On the plus side, I had a lovely drink out with Mai.

She made me take her to a Boy Scout bar.

After last night, I've put Yujiro on a strict ban

on anything pervy.

So, for my last day in Osaka,

he's taking me to a local university.

We are in one of the greatest universities in Osaka.

It's called the Kinki University.

- Is it really? - Yeah. Kinki University, Kindai University.

We the Japanese call it Kinki University.

- Kinki University. Okay. - Yeah.

We're gonna go... we're going-going, we're gonna go

the, uh, the sumo training.

- Sumo? - Yeah. We're gonna be sumo wrestlers.

The Kinki sumo wrestlers

are one of the top university teams in Japan.

We arrive just as they appear to be performing

a scene from The Sumo Centipede.

It's very interesting, sumo, because wrestling in the West

- is theatre, really, we all know that. - Mm.

But wrestling here is serious, isn't it?

Of course. I-It's partially a Shinto ritual, too,

originally, for, you know, fertility and a good harvest,

- good rice... - To entertain the gods.

Absolutely, so even if you win, you're not allowed

to express like that...

Like American fighter...

- That's totally banned. Yeah. - None of that "whoo!" stuff.

- No, you can't do that. - Yeah, no American stuff here.

- Just a... Yeah. - Absolutely.

Despite sumo's modesty and reserve,

underpants notwithstanding,

the sport does have an extremely high drop-out rate.

Again, underpants notwithstanding.

Japan's top sumo stables will soon pick

the best of these young wrestlers.

And to be in with a chance, they're going to need strength,

dedication,

and massive balls of steel.

Are you ready for big time?

I mean, we're gonna... We're gonna actually

do the training today with the sumo wrestlers.

- You're gonna... - No, we're not.

What do you mean we are not?

- You and I together. - I'm not. You can.

No, no, but we-we... we do it together.

- No. - What do you mean, no?

I'm not going to wear one of those on television.

It's not fair on the viewers.

The following sequence contains scenes

some viewers may find disturbing.

My-my crotch is as tight as hell.

Yeah.

Sorry, I thought that was the sound

of Yujiro snapping.

After Yujiro successfully psychs out

and intimidates his opponent

with the pre-match exercises...

it's time for a bout.

The rules are straightforward.

To win, avoid getting knocked over,

and don't get pushed out of the ring.

Round one.

Whoa!

Noble effort.

Yeah, do.

Go on, Yujiro, go on!

Grab his waistband and give him a big wedgie.

Wedgie! Wedgie! Pull.

Oh, watch it, I think you're about to pop out.

He's the manager.

Well done.

Thank you, my master.

Very impressive and admirable and stupid.

You have, however, brought great shame on your master

by losing every bout in under six seconds.

- Yujiro took an urgent leave of absence after that

to buy hemorrhoid cream,

so I struck out on my own.

Before leaving Osaka, there's one last bit

of important culinary culture to experience.

I would like to take a few moments out

to talk about wasabi, which is that little blob

of green stuff you get on the side of your plate

in a Japanese restaurant.

It is native to Japan.

Its scientific name is wasaba japonica.

And when it's growing, this is what it looks like.

Now, we think of it as a flavoring.

Historically, it was more of a disinfectant, if you like.

Before the days of rapid transport and refrigeration,

you put the wasabi on the raw fish

to prevent bacteria from growing.

Now, rumor has it, in Osaka especially,

that if a restaurant doesn't like the cut of your jib...

If, for example, you're a bit of a loudmouth gaijin...

They might overdo the wasabi to blow your head off

and teach you a lesson.

And this leads rather neatly to the game of

wasabi roulette.

You will need a willing opponent...

In this case, Mai...

A plate of salmon sushi.

One of them has been laced with the weapons-grade wasabi.

So take it in turns to eat a piece,

and the loser...

Well, it's to the death, basically.

This ended up taking about 25 minutes,

with nothing happening.

And two people just sitting eating sushi

turned out to be far less gripping

than we'd thought.

That's remarkable. If you think this is fixed

in some way, it isn't.

We are down to the last two.

- Itadakimasu. - Itadakimasu.

Oh, no.

Seriously?

Lots.

Well, I've lost. Shall we just cut?

- No. - No.

Okay, are you all running...

Itadakimasu.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Oh, you'll need some...

Hai, have some water. Hai, hai, hai.

Whoa.

Yo, I am... I'm crying.

What's the Japanese for "you bastard"?

Kids, just say no.

So, wincingly, it's time to leave Osaka

as we carry on south.

The crew's taking their camera equipment by car,

but I've decided to enjoy one of Japan's

iconic bullet trains,

and film everything myself, like a trendy vlogger.

I have a silly enough haircut for it.

Audio is on the...

That's just Dan, our Belgian sound man,

mic-ing me up.

So, prepare yourselves, viewers,

for Emmy Award-winning cinematography like this.

And this.

Still going?

Wow, Japanese Shinkansen station.

As opposed to a French Shinkanden station.

- Konnichiwa. - Konnichiwa.

Oh, bloody hell.

The symbol is something like two Mexicans fighting

over a broken television,

followed by another television on a sledge,

and a square tree.

Beautiful trains.

I've treated myself to the posh carriage,

which is currently being cleaned.

Obviously, because it's Japan,

and it hasn't been cleaned for the last 20 seconds.

Oh, I thought we were gonna get East Enders then.

Wonder if that jingle was written by our jingle man.

This is wonderful. You get on the train,

and exactly on time it just whooshes away.

- No stupid announcements or anything.

There's one there.

We think of these trains as being incredibly modern.

The first one ran when I was one year old,

and I'm ancient now.

I take back what I said about announcements.

This one's unlikely to finish by the time we get there.

Please do not attempt to get off the train whilst it's moving.

- Ladies and gentlemen... - Oh, God.

Welcome to the Shinkansen.

This is a Mizuho superexpress,

bound for Kagoshima Chuo.

Unfortunately, as this shot of me walking out

of Okayama station suggests,

the crew caught up with me.

And despite it being my day off, they're adamant I film

a single piece about the region's mythical guardian,

of whom there's a statue outside

with nothing amusing about its design whatsoever.

Action.

Okay, I'm ready.

No, I can do it, I can do it. Right.

Right, I'm ready.

This is Momotaro. He's a local folk hero.

According to legend, an old lady...

- That was so close. - So close.

He's known...

I'm not sure I can do it.

Sorry, I'll do it again.

This is Momotaro. He's a local folk hero.

And let me see if I can remember the story correctly.

There was an old woman who was out by the river,

and she saw a big peach floating past.

So she picked it up and took it home.

But when she cut it in half, she found this small boy inside.

And the small boy went off, and he made friends with a dog,

a monkey, a pheasant and a pigeon,

and then somehow, with their help,

defeated all the ogres

who were threatening the city.

And why is his penis out to one side?

While I recover, the crew buy time

with arty focus pulls of pinecones.

We've come to Koraku-en,

a garden completed in 1700

by Ikida Tsunamasa, the local feudal lord at the time.

I can see why formal gardens are so important to the Japanese,

even if you've only got a space

the size of half a ping-pong table.

Because the cities are fantastic,

but they're a barrage of noise and lights

and jingles and Hello Kitty and Shinkansen

and okonomiyaki and Yujiro and all the rest of it,

and you have to be able to find somewhere

where you can just be at peace, and here it is.

Rather than just bung together a few nice flowers

and a fountain of a small boy urinating,

Tsunamasa-san decided to depict Japan in miniature,

through the medium of plants.

That hill over there, obviously, is Mt. Fuji,

but the buildings represent things like full-size temples,

full-size palaces.

The lakes and the ponds, they represent

full-size lakes in Japan.

It's a way of sort of experiencing

the beauty of the whole country

in a short walk 'round a park.

I mean, most people would just have a train set

or something like that, but you know.

For over three centuries, generations of gardeners

have manicured this place into

a state of zen-like perfection.

Here, for example... These people are restringing

this bamboo fence.

This has to be done every year,

painstakingly by hand,

using the twine and a special Japanese knot.

Or, as they call it, a knot.

This man has been raking this gravel garden

continuously for the past 45 years.

He's still an apprentice.

He's been doing it so long, the prongs on his rake

have completely worn away.

A flash of cold steel,

the flower of Japan falls to cries of "bonsai!"

But I'm not here to bask in the beauty of a well-trimmed bush.

I want to experience something the Japanese have been

masters of for over 1,000 years.

And Yujiro's joining me,

having finally regained the ability to sit down.

You join me at a very contemplative moment.

Kai Hattasan here is a Zen meditation sensei,

and I've got no idea what to do.

I've never done anything like this before.

Migi over hidari.

- Oh! Good. - Very good.

Okay.

- I won't be able to do that. - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, shoot.

I can't do that.

Okay, so left... so migi under there and hidari...

I can do that, yes.

To be more concrete, inhale in four seconds

and exhale in five seconds.

As long as you have your body position in the correct order

and you're, uh, breathing in the right way

then, your heart will be...

- Released in... Oh. - Sorry.

The director.

Right, where were we?

Okay.

To enter a blissful state, I try to clear my mind

of unnecessary, intrusive thoughts.

It's interesting; it's very relaxing and very peaceful,

but the trouble is, it gives you a good opportunity

to think about other things,

so it's very difficult to not think of anything.

- Ah... - So I was actually thinking

about laundry at one point, 'cause I've run out of pants.

That was all fascinating

and something I've never done before.

It's interesting to learn about it.

I'd like to leave you with this final thought.

Oh, for Shinto's sake.

I'm leaving Okayama behind,

heading towards the southern tip of Japan's main island,

Honshu.

As I drive through the ancient valleys

flecked with paddy fields and sleepy villages,

it's hard to imagine I'm about to visit a place

that changed the modern world forever.

This is Hiroshima.

It's a very wealthy and, for obvious reasons,

very modern Japanese city.

I bet when I said Hiroshima, the first thing

that came into your minds was not

the Mazda car company,

for example; it was atomic warfare.

We all know the details.

The bomb dropped on August 6, 1945,

right here, where now stands a park,

and at its heart, the Hiroshima Peace Memorial Museum.

Now, I realize this is going to seem like a rather weighty topic

for a travel show full of lighthearted larks,

but the fact is, you cannot come to Hiroshima

and not visit the atom bomb memorial park.

Not least because it's extremely well done.

And you can't come to the atom bomb memorial park

without addressing this rather thorny and delicate subject,

so I'm afraid that's what we're going to do.

Other TV shows are available.

No one knows for sure how many people died,

but it's reckoned around 80,000,

or roughly 30% of the population.

And while numbers like that

are almost impossible to comprehend,

seeing the tattered and burned possessions of the victims

brings home the human cost of this indiscriminate attack.

Hiroshima is obviously a very weighty and difficult subject,

with many schools of historical thought.

I'm hoping Professor Tosh Minohara,

a Japanese-American historian,

can talk me through both sides of this very contentious coin.

If you take away the nuclear aspect

of the attack on Hiroshima, what we are looking at in that museum

is the commemoration of war and the pity of war,

- which is universal, isn't it? - Yes. Yes.

Yes, the immense human tragedy is-is very apparent

when you go to the museum.

There's a view in the West that, actually, Hiroshima and Nagasaki

are a sort of fig leaf for Japan because it allows Japan to say,

"We suffered the world's only nuclear attack...

-Yes. - it's a terrible thing," and it allows them to ignore

- the terrible things Japan did. - Yes.

- That's a prevalent view amongst Western historians. - Absolutely.

There's a reason why Hiroshima and Nagasaki were both bombed.

You know, it's because Japan instigated the war.

Uh, and you're absolutely right to point out the fact

- that the two bombs makes Japan a victim. - Mm.

And this, I think, makes it very difficult for Japan

to acknowledge the fact that it was the aggressor.

Because it's very hard to be the victim

and the aggressor at the same time.

The-the most popular view, if you look

at sort of surveys and things in America and Europe,

is that the atomic bombs were evil,

but they shortened the war

against a country that wouldn't surrender,

and that would have cost millions of casualties

- if the war had been concluded with a land-based invasion. - Sure, sure.

And would probably have destroyed

the Japanese people forever.

- Yes, absolutely right. - Is that correct?

I think... yes, you're absolutely right.

If Japan had not surrendered on August 15,

- the Russians would have come down... - Mm.

And would have taken at least all of Northern Japan.

So, we'd have ended up with Korea?

Absolutely. Korea on Japan.

You would have Northern Japan, which most likely

would not be democratic, would not be free,

and then you would have the rest of Japan.

Could you, if you were being very honne about it,

- Honne. - Honne.

Say that the suffering of Hiroshima and Nagasaki

is actually the salvation of Japan?

That's why they should be revered.

- Because if... Really? - That's how I see it. Yes.

- The-the... - Are you speaking as an American or a...

No, I am... as a, as a scholar, as a historian.

- Okay. - That their death was not in vain.

It-it did help, you know,

Japan maintain the nation as it is today.

With my journey drawing a close,

I have to move on from the rebuilt devastation

of Hiroshima to one of Japan's oldest wonders.

Hello, viewers, you join us

on Miyajima, which is one of the holiest islands

off the coast of Japan.

It is home to the Itsukushima Shrine,

or the Itsukushima-jinja, which is just over there,

and that, or the view of that from the water,

is one of the three great views of Japan,

along with Matsushima and the sandbar outside of Kyoto.

Which we couldn't be arsed to go and look at.

Ice cream?

This whole island is a religious site,

with its own special rules.

No trees can be cut down and all wildlife is sacred.

Although I think Yujiro could use a few lessons explaining

- what wildlife actually is. - Aww.

No, that's a cat.

- Oh, that's a cat. Sit. - Yes.

- Sit. - He won't sit.

- He's not, he's not a dog. - Sit.

He's got a great face. He's nearly... he's completely tame.

You're not really supposed to touch them

but I can touch him.

- Yes. - He doesn't mind.

You're not supposed to touch them

and you're not supposed to feed them.

Pull it out of his mouth.

- He's got it in his mouth. - Oh, my God.

Oh, no, no. My map, my map!

He's eating my map.

I think the deer is very hungry.

- Deer, deer, deer. - Looks...

After an awkward 45-minute wait,

Bambi eventually pooped us the directions

to the temple complex.

This place has inspired pilgrims,

artists and writers for centuries.

Itsukushima.

Its-Itsukushima.

- Itsukushima. - Itsukushima.

- Itsukushima-jinja. Yes. - Itsukushima-jinja.

Uh, This place, um, this jinja...

Mm-hmm? - By the sea, was built

in the end of the 12th century by Taira no Kiyomori,

a powerful samurai clan back then.

- Well... - 12th century, yes.

Is he this man in the statue that's by the harbor?

The old man. - Who looks a bit like Patrick Stewart,

actually, from Star Trek.

Oh, he did? - Yeah, he does a little bit, yeah.

Yes, so Patrick Stewart built this place.

Right. - The color red is really beautiful.

I'd call it orange, you see.

Orange? - Is... yeah, that sort of Shintoism orange.

-I'd say that was orange. Would you call that red? -Yes.

- Would you? - Yes.

Um, from the Japanese senses,

we call this red.

'Cause I have a car that's officially red,

but I think it's orange.

It could just be me.

I'll ask the cameramen because they know about color.

Is this orange or red?

- Mm, orange. - Orange. Yeah, it's orange.

I-I think, I think the cameraman Sean is color-blind.

No, you're all wrong. Japanese are all wrong.

They might know squat about color...

Orange...

But who cares about interior design

when the exterior looks like this?

- Are you going to... - Uh...

Well, since I'm here,

yes, I'd like to just go down there

and have a contemplative moment standing under the gate.

-Yes. -Although you don't have to come, though,

'cause I know you've been here many times before.

- That's okay. I'll go by myself. - Yes.

But you go and get some ice creams.

- Oh. Can I? - Yes.

- Good idea. - Where do I go? This way?

Yeah. Go straight.

And don't walk in the center.

- That's the pathway of the gods. - Yes.

Torii is the name of the gates that stand

as entrances to shrines across Japan,

and this may be the most magnificent of them all.

From go-karts and pachinko

to these most ancient of monuments,

this leg of my trip has once again brought home

just how much breadth there is to the Japanese experience.

I'm not gonna pretend I understand it all yet,

but one thing I do understand is a good bit of woodwork.

Well, it's another fabulous example of great craftsmanship

from the world's best woodworkers, the Japanese.

Very symbolic, as well,

and it's actually symbolic of the great paradox that is Japan,

because that gate, and indeed,

the whole of that enormous temple behind it,

are made entirely from wood

on an island where it's forbidden to cut down trees.

Hmm. Anyway, I've written a haiku.

"Ah, gate in the sea.

"What does it mean?

Way in, out?"

End of the show. Cut.