All language subtitles for James May Our Man in Japan S01E02en

- Konnichiwa, viewers.
- As you can tell

from the traditional
Japanese music

coming from my car,

I'm back on the road.

So far,
I've had a slide on a sled...

Oh, God, there's a bendy bit
coming up.

Impressed my local guide
with my Japanese cooking...

James.

-I'm so hungry.
Hurry up, please.
-Yes, all right, yes, yes.

- Come on, number eight.
- And won money

on a very slow horse race that
was too boring to make the cut.

It's gripping, this.

This time, this...

May I blow your conch?

Yes!

Somebody else wants
to film my lunch?

Yes, we are completely naked.

My grand tourism from
the north to the south of Japan

has taken me to Tohoku,
part of Honshu,

the largest and most populous
island of Japan.

This is the land
of bustling megacities,

neon lights,
bullet trains, Tokyo.

But of course,

it's not all like that.

Before I hit the big cities,

I'm headed west
into rural Honshu

with my new translator Maki.

We're in the fruit
and veg bowl of Honshu,

but I'm on my way to meet a nut.

Apparently, round here lives
a rather eccentric inventor

of robots.

If I was going to come anywhere
to look at robots,

the first place I'd think of
would be Japan,

- probably.
- Right.

Well, we've got
a date then, Maki.

I'm taking you to out
to the robot place.

Of all the arenas
of science and technology,

the most disappointing
is robots.

Where's my robot butler
I was promised?

Bah, it's not here, is it?

Even the Japanese aren't
really that good at robots.

It took them 20 years
to get Honda's Asimo robot

to walk convincingly,

and even then, it still falls
over fairly regularly.

But maybe we've got our attitude
to robots all wrong.

Maybe robots should be
just a bit of a laugh.

This robot cost a quarter
of a million dollars to build,

and is the brainchild
of engineer Nagumo Masaaki.

He's currently driving it, so,

like any good
insane Bond villain,

his face is obscured.

I decide to coax him down
from the cockpit

to ask him
the important questions.

Are you mad?

May I have a go, kudasai?

Oh. I was expecting that
to be a no.

Yeah,
robotics is quite uncomfortable,

as it turns out.

- Right, I'm now turning left.
- Yeah, yeah.

It's very wobbly.

Forwards to Tokyo.

Very slowly.

It would actually take four days

to reach the center of Tokyo,

even if it could cross
the drainage ditch

at the edge of the car park,

but still, robots!

Stopping.

Could I say
domo arigatou gozaimashita

for letting me drive
your wonderful robot.

It's, uh, exactly what
a robot should be. Superb.

Hai.

Was that a good...
Did he say goodbye, or...?

Oh, there's another thing he...

Oh, there's another thing.

I thought that was
a bit of a sudden exit.

He is mad.

Nagumo is kindly going to let me

have a go at driving
his seven-ton,

8.5-meter-tall tour de force.

Okay.

This thing is bigger
than any robot

I've ever driven before,

which was the one outside
just now.

And this one also has a design
flaw stopping world domination:

it's too big to go through
the door of its own house.

So, it's forward,
back, left, right?

- Please, look at me.
- Yes?

Yes.

Oh, that's fantastic.

But while I'm busy
doing the robot,

my neglected date has taken
matters into her own hands.

So, that's finger control.

-Okay, so I'm going
to go forwards.
-Yeah.

Oh, yes, I can see the finger

moving down here
on this monitor.

That's amazing.

Oh, James, be ready.

I'm coming to shoot you.

That is Maki now on the main
monitor, forward-facing camera,

coming in thinking
she can pick a fight with us

with her airsoft gun.

So, uh...

are we all ready to take her on?

Fire when ready,
fire when ready.

- Here we go.
Maneuvering to the left.
Okay.

Okay, okay, and...

What we have here
is a good old-fashioned

Japanese standoff...

to find the fastest Gundam
in the East.

- Did I hit?
- Scary. What did you do to me?

Maki just shot me in the
robo plums. Did you see that?

Did I get her?

- Ooh!
- Yeah!

Look, everyone, this is what
James May would do to a lady.

Yes! Too easy.

Everyone...

Oh, two more hits from Maki.

Hit, in the head.

Time to go in for the kill.

Yes!

Well, I'm advancing right up
on the other robot.

This is ballsy stuff.

Tom? The GoPro fall

from the window thanks to James.

- Loser.
- I am running away.

Run away from the beast.

I'm fairly confident
I won that, 8-6.

And I've changed my mind about
robots. They're brilliant.

I might even get one.

It's nice. It's like a married
couple after having a big fight.

We are back in the same car.

- But not speaking, yeah.
- Not speaking.

- Just looking ahead like that.
- Yeah.

You were awful.
You seem so, so sweet

and so James May,

I was expecting you would
treat me like a lady

and you act like a gentleman,
like, from England.

Maybe it's because
I'm a cabbage roll.

Is that right?

- Yes, it is, yeah.
- Cabbage roll? Hmm.

Soft on the outside,

but then aggressive in inside.

- This is how James May is,
everyone.

- Did you see?
- A cabbage roll.

That's-that's a bit
of an insult in Japan.

- No, no, it's not insult.
- It's not an insult?

Yeah, it's just the three
different type of boys

available in Japan.

So what are
the three different types?

One is called nikushoku-kei,
meat eaters.

- Meat eaters.
- Yeah.

- Confident.
- Macho, then.

- A meat eater is macho.
- Macho, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then there's another type
called soshoku-kei.

- Soshoku-kei.
- Soshoku is a vegetable eaters.

- Okay. Soshoku-kei.
- So they are more shy,

uh, reserved.

Well, they don't ask girls out
and that sort of thing.

Yeah, they are
more kind of slim.

Um, then there is another type
which is...

could be you... Cabbage Roll.

Rollu cabbage

in Japanese.

It's meat in the inside,

so aggressive personality,
coated...

- With cabbage.
- With cabbage.

Layers of cabbage.

So when you see him for
the first time, you all think,

"Oh, he's such a nice gentleman,
very soft-spoken,

uh, kind, uh, yeah, a bit shy."

But then once you are
in his house,

when he feels comfortable
with his own skin,

he will go...

No man in his prime

likes to be called a grabby
cabbage roll by a lady.

So, like the conclusion
to all couple's arguments,

I leave Maki at the service
station and drive off...

alone, into the wilderness.

You join me
at a very spiritual moment.

I am at the foot
of Mount Hagaro,

a sacred mountain,
or at least it is

to the Yamabushi monks,
wandering ascetics

who have populated these forests
since the seventh century.

And they practice
a doctrine of Shugendo.

What that says is you leave your
earthly cares and wares behind.

I did that as I walked
onto the bridge.

And then you commune
with nature,

with the mountain in particular,

to develop a sixth sense
for the truth.

And that is exactly what
I'm going to go and do now.

I'm going to meet
Master Hoshino.

Basically, I'm going for a walk
in the woods with a top monk.

This way.

Slowly, because it's slippy.

Konnichiwa.

72-year old Master Hoshino

is a 13th-generation
Yamabushi priest,

which means that his ancestors

would've been
leading pilgrimages

on this mountain 350 years ago.

This is to make it
more difficult

to find my emaciated corpse
in the snow.

How far is it?

- Yup.
- Ay.

Shugendo was a major
spiritual movement

in Japan from the 12th century

until 1872 when it was banned

as a superstitious religion
by the Meiji government.

But nowadays,
Shugendo is being re-embraced

as an escape
from hectic urban life.

It's very beautiful,
it's just a bit slippery.

That bit is very slippery.
I'm trying to write a haiku.

Snow on the mountain,

priest ascends the icy steps.

English man on ass.

That's very slippery.

It is somewhat easier
to achieve spiritual dignity

when nature has gifted you
a pair of spiky boots

like Master Hoshino's.

It's too slippery, holy man.

James, mountaintop. Okay?

- Excellent. Thank you.
- Hai. Hai, hai.

As a reward,
may I blow your conch?

Ay. All right.

I've never done this.

Okay.

Okay.

That feels quite good.

This is excellent.

Blowing the horn
had given me a raging thirst,

and I felt I'd earned a drink.

Now you join me at a slightly
awkward moment because after

our very enlightening walk
in the mountains,

I thought Master Hoshino said,

"Would you like to join me
in the bar?"

It was the bath.

More specifically, an onsen,

which is a specific
type of bath.

The definition, in fact,
has been protected

under Japanese law since 1948.

To quality as an onsen,
it must be the product

of volcanic activity,

it must be geothermally heated
to at least 25 degrees.

I'm delighted to say this is
rather more than that.

Uh, and it must contain traces
of 18 minerals.

Um, if you were wondering
and to save you

starting a rather tedious thread
on Twitter,

yes, we are completely naked.

And the reason I have
this small towel on my head

is not because I'm celebrating

the British seaside holiday
of the 1950s,

it's because this little scrap

is what I use to hide
my "vile body,"

as Evelyn Waugh would've put it,
when I climb out.

The cameras will be cut by then,

not because I'm embarrassed,
for your sake.

And I'm embarrassed.

It's finally time
to hit a real city, Sendai.

And as I join the dawn chorus
to line up for a very different

type of ritual, I'm glad

that my soul is now clean
and uncorrupted.

Do I look...
I feel like a pervert.

It's 20 to 7:00 in the morning
for God's sake.

I'm reluctantly in line
for a J-pop gig...

Japanese pop for you
out of touch grandads.

Okay. Domo arigato.

I've got a hot ticket to see
the Zenryokuboys,

the Detroit Spinners
of Sendai city.

What's impressive
about this is that

the Zenryokuboys have cornered

an unchartered part
of the pop market, actually,

the 7:00 a.m. pop concert.

It only lasts
about a half an hour,

and it's designed
to entertain commuters

before they go to the office

and schoolgirls
before they go to school.

It's quite impressive
considering

that they're all teenagers

and they really should be in bed
for another three or four hours.

Whoo!

They're quite good, actually.

This is the slow number.

But, no, it's
something stranger.

I always thought the Japanese
were a pretty stoic nation,

but the whole place has turned
into something Richard Curtis

would find "a bit soppy."

I love this one.

Just to be clear,
my eyes are watering

from the smoke machine,
even though there isn't one.

I know it's the objective
of the crew to try

and make me look
an idiot on this show,

but that's actually ruined me.

I've been with a load of teenage
girls to see a boy band on TV.

They were good, though.
I thought they were excellent.

Excellent performance.
I couldn't do that at that age.

I was completely hopeless.

Let's go and meet them.

- Konnichiwa. Oh.
- Konnichiwa.

- Thank you.
- High five.

-Thank you.
-Excellent,
excellent performance.

I feel like the Queen after
the Royal Variety Performance,

except I actually enjoyed this.

Then the boys suggested giving
me my own J-pop makeover.

Please just use your artistry.

And since I'd already blown
my hair and wardrobe budget

on sake, I agreed.

It's 'cause it's very old.

Mending motorcycles.

I have a 360 Benly.

And a Super Cub.

Yes.

A very old one.

I decided to wrap this up
before they started asking me

if I was going
anywhere nice this year.

- That's good. Yeah.
- That's good? Thank you.

I was going to have
to "Blue Steel" myself

for what was next.
Hair was just the start.

Against unanimous
public opinion, apparently,

I need a new wardrobe.

Domo arigato.

I'm already wishing
I hadn't come.

This is quite a cool
piece of clothing,

um, I feel that I defile it.

I like this. Do we agree
that this hoodie's good?

If it doesn't look good,
I would say that.

Because you're Japanese,

you are obliged to be polite
and flattering.

It's like you say, "Oh, your
jeans are very nice, James.

"Oh, your driving is wonderful,
James," but you don't mean it.

You're just being polite.

I never said your jeans
were good.

If you lot wait outside
on the street,

I'll make a final decision,

and then I'll come and do
a reveal, yeah?

Right, are you ready?

-Okay. Okay.
-Okay.
-Ready, the new me.

Come on. It's my treat.

I don't know why I agreed
to go clothes shopping.

I already did that in 1984.

Those Zenryokuboys,

they're a nice bunch of lads,

and I hope they make it big.

I really should have left
that final thought there,

but their youthfulness got me
feeling a bit un-zen.

I really do. I hope
they don't end up 40 years old

in a dead-end job,

grinding their teeth
over what might have been.

I think I'd better leave
Sendai quickly

and find something much more
historical to look at.

50 miles south, in a place
called Minamisoma,

are the heirlooms of a much
older Japanese group.

Now, we cannot really come
to Japan

without discussing the samurai
and their life code of Bushido.

And you might be forgiven
for thinking

this was all invented
by Tom Cruise,

but I'm afraid it's actually a
bit more complicated than that.

More of this in voice-over.

The samurai were
the warrior class of Japan.

Trained from boyhood
in the art of war

and fanatically loyal
to their overlords until death,

the samurai and their
austere code of chivalry

commanded fear and respect
for centuries.

Aota-san,

who I am about to meet,
is a genuine samurai,

the descendent
of a samurai clan.

And you needn't be alarmed...
He's not going to shout,

"For the emperor," and cut
my head off with a katana.

He's actually a retired farmer,
and these days devotes himself

to collecting and repairing
his dynasty's weapons and armor,

which he is now going
to show me.

And then he's gonna cut
my head off with a katana.

Aota-san's home is packed
with enough kit

to start a small regional war.

For the purposes
of historical osmosis,

I agree to be dressed
in full samurai armor.

I'm trying not to take it
personally

that everyone I meet seems
to want to give me a makeover.

You join me
in my thermal underwear.

Aota-san here...

is, uh, going to dress me.

These are...
these are like foot mittens.

This could take a while.

Was all this armor owned
by your direct ancestors?

Now here we have the samurai
equivalent of shin pads.

Or Shinto pads,
as they're known.

These, I think... are these,
these beaten iron? It is.

It's getting quite heavy,
and I think my hair

may become a part of it.

What if I can't stand up
at the end of all this?

Oh, well,
that's all right, then.

The samurai were devoted
to a code of conduct

called as bushido, demanding
loyalty, courage, veracity,

compassion and honor;
as well as a lifestyle

of strict martial discipline.

Stand?

Finishing touches.

Oh, I like this bit.

I know a London club were this
would be perfectly acceptable.

Torture Gardens.

I meant the Chelsea Arts Club.

If you don't mind...

This is a 300-year-old katana,

if anybody has anything fatuous
to say.

I suspect not.

James is looking fabulous today

in this 30-piece, cast-iron
spring ensemble

from ancient Minamasoma.

Perfect for fancy work meetings
and massacres.

Mr. Aota-san's son has gone

for the winter look,
with matching helmet.

The samurai might have
a long military history,

but after all
that lengthy dressing up,

I'm surprised
they didn't miss half the wars

they were invited to.

See? I've missed it.

I said strictly no horses.

The samurai fought
their last battle in 1877,

around the same time

a different mode of transport
was becoming popular.

Perhaps if they'd just
made use of that,

they might've ridden on
to more victories.

I've modernized it.

Just then, I get a phone call

from the irate manager
of a Japanese

service station,
demanding I pick up Maki.

We decide to stop
just south of Sendai,

where Maki says she wants
to make things up to me

by giving me some tongue.

You should all be ashamed
of yourselves.

So pick a piece up...

Gyutan, as it's known,

is thinly-sliced tongue
cooked over a charcoal grill.

And since it was first
served here in 1948,

Sendai has become known

as the beef tongue capital
of the world.

I am a British man
doing a barbecue,

so that means
it will taste terrible.

- Ooh, look at this.
- Okay.

- 'Cause I want to ask you...
- Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Maybe you want
to place over here

so that you will not touch
the... the meat juice?

-Yeah, that's a good point.
That's unhygienic.
-Yes.

Yes, it's unhygienic.

Excuse me speaking
with my mouth full.

It's nice.

Mmm. It is nice.

I thought it would be...

It actually tastes
a bit like pork.

Tell me, what do you really
think about the British?

What do we think about them?

- Um...
- Do you think we're a bit smelly

and scruffy?

No.

Oh, no, no. It's an image...

of this.

- The queen.
- Oh, cool.

It is...
So, again, we have...

We call British "gentlemen."

So they are polite,

um, cultured, uh, classy.

Uh, but then,

this show has been
proving me wrong.

Oh, okay.

Are you not very good
at drinking?

That is wrong.

Japanese people can hold alcohol
quite well,

maybe better than British.

Oh, possibly.

Domo arigato
for bringing me here.

Don't tell me. Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.

You're taking too long.

My foam is getting thinner
and thinner.

What's...?
Give me the first letter.

- Ka.
- Ka.

- Ka. Kampai.
- Kampai.

- Kampai.
- Kampai.

- Kampai.
- Kam...

To all those who aren't
having a beer, kampai.

Sorry, everyone.

- This is great.
- Yeah.

Right, then. Where to next?

No, not there.

Here.

As a keen student of haiku,

nearby Matsushima Bay
holds particular significance.

Now, back in the 17th century,

the Japanese scholar
Hayashi Gaho identified

the three perfect views
of the country.

One of them is a sandbar
outside Kyoto,

another is a temple
outside Hiroshima,

and the third, probably
the most famous, is this one...

The island group of Matsushima,
over 260 of them.

And they're absolutely gorgeous.

And it must be said that
the Japanese have even managed

to miniaturize the view,

'cause some of these islands
are really tiny.

They're no bigger than a garage,
and they're all covered

in tiny little bonsai trees.

It's fantastic.
Look at that one over there.

One of the best known
of the old Japanese haiku

is, in fact,
about Matsushima Bay.

For a long time,
it was attributed to Basho,

the greatest
of the haiku masters,

but actually,
more recent scholarship suggests

that is wasn't by him at all,
because it wasn't recorded

until over a hundred years
after his death.

But it doesn't actually matter
who wrote it,

because whoever it was
was so overcome

with the beauty of this place,

that all he could
come up with was,

"Matsushima ya

"Ah, matsushima ya,

Matsushima ya."

Which is usually translated as,

"Matsushima, Matsushima.

Oh, Matsushima."

It is annoying, this.

I've been standing here
for something like half an hour,

trying to compose my own haiku
about Matsushima Bay,

and I can see
why it was so difficult,

because it somehow eludes
description in 17 syllables.

Which is quite annoying, really,
'cause I'm about...

oh, five minutes away

from my first lesson
in Japanese calligraphy.

And I wanted something nice
to write.

I've got one idea.

This is Kishi Keiko,

one of Japan's
leading calligraphy experts.

I hope my poem is worthy
of her talents.

J-masu May.

That's my name!

- J... m...
- J-masu.

- J-masu.
- J-masu.

May. J... That's how
they say "James" in Japan.

They say "J-masu."

It's beautiful.
It's beautiful

because I don't know
what it says. You just think,

"That's a fabulous picture."

If you knew
that it just says "James May,"

it loses some of its appeal,
to be brutally frank.

Okay, I'm going
to show you my haiku.

- "Ah, Matsushima."
- Yeah.

"Basho gasharishi.

Oh, Matsuo, oh, Basho."

- Oh, very good.
- Is it? It means...

"Ah, Matsushima.

"Basho has long departed.

We are lost for words."

Within moments, sensei Keiko
has rendered my haiku

into the cursive style
of calligraphy...

The quickest,
and hopefully simplest, type

for me to attempt to copy.

So what we have here is...

Um, this is quite common.
It's a combination of kanji,

which is the pure
pictorial language,

which was adopted
from the Chinese,

and hirigana,
which is more like a...

It's-it's closer to our writing.

It is phonemes
or vowel sounds or letters,

as single squiggles,
but they can be combined.

So this is a mixture of the two,

which is why
some of it looks like pictures,

some of it almost looks
like Arabic.

One...

This is tremendously good fun.

Slide. Slide.

- Mm...
- You're okay.

- All right, shall we do a...
- Uh...

sensei versus
student comparison?

Sumimasen.

Oh. Sumimasen.

I know.

Uh, here is my gift to you.

Domo arigato.

Thank you.

What I lack in brushmanship,

I make up for in cunning.

That was what I was hoping for.

Domo arigato gozaimas.

What an excellent exchange.

I now own my haiku,
but written by a master.

That is priceless.

That was fantastic.
I loved that.

And, finally...

the mystery of Matsushima
is recorded

in verse on paper for posterity.

Remember you saw it here first.

The islands of Matsushima
are not just

aesthetically inspiring.

They also buffered the bay
from the worst

of the 2011 earthquake
and tsunami.

The magnitude-nine earthquake
was so massive,

it moved Honshu island
eastward by eight feet.

Over 15,000 people died
in the tsunami,

and two and a half thousand
are still unaccounted for.

And in Fukushima,

the tsunami caused
three reactor core meltdowns

at the nuclear power station,

the second-worst nuclear
accident in history.

So, in a few kilometers time,
we're going to get to the edge

of the restricted zone
around the power station.

You can drive through it,
but you're not supposed to stop,

you're not supposed to get out.

Um, you're not supposed to pick
anything up or take it away.

- Oh, it's all closed.
- Yeah, it's all closed.

No one is here.

- No one is allowed.
- Oh, there's just a load

-of new cars parked there
all covered in weeds.
-Yeah.

After restrictions
were lifted two years ago,

900 residents returned
to the nearby town of Namie,

which originally had
a population of around

17 and a half thousand.

The government has assured
these residents

that the radiation levels
are safe.

We should just explain,
we have this little...

Actually,
it's going up slightly.

We're at 0.21 nanosieverts

of radiation, which is okay,

as we're only here
for a short time.

0.24.

0.35. It's going up
quite quickly, though.

-Do you mind keeping
an eye on that?
-Yes.

- Oh, it's beeping.
- What are we up to?

0.52.

It says "harmful."

We're now on the edge
of the safe zone.

Look at this.

Oh. Hang on,

let's have a look at this.
This is very bad.

Geez, that's 4.94.

That's dangerously high.

I'm not sure anybody
should be here.

It's supposed to be safe
to be back.

Well, that's what alarms me.

Everybody says this
is the edge of the zone,

and you should be
quite safe here,

-but that's actually the highest
reading we've had...
-Yeah.

And that thing was calibrated
this morning.

- Yeah.
- Let's-let's take it with us

- and see what it does.
- Yeah.

Let's-let's do it.

- Oh, it went off.
- Oh, there you go.

- 1.27.
- I think it's-it's...

- Where...
- It's when I open the door.

Do you think this is...

Well, we can't have
a radiation-proof Toyota.

- Does it...
- No, that doesn't...

Maybe if Maki

turned it off
and then turned it on again,

we'd be okay.

Looking left and right
is just rather a cursory...

I've arranged to meet
Oshimizu Kazuki...

Konnichiwa.

One of the residents who,
along with his wife and baby,

decided to move back.

What made you come back?

Because you're obviously not
gonna get that many customers.

And, uh, were you here
when the meltdown happened?

And, um, is it, is it safe
to live here?

Because we are reading
2.7 nanosieverts,

-We had almost five
down the road.
-Hai, hai, hai.

Is it, is it safe?

Has this car been here
since the disaster?
- Hai.

That's-that's interesting,
because...

No, actually,
when you get close to it,

you can see
that it's been standing here.

So, that's quite unusual
to see rust.

No...

Oh, no, that's just still got
the telephone charging cable

plugged into
the power socket. Oh...

It's probably...
Probably shouldn't really... ugh.

It's actually open.

I won't touch it. It's-it's bad.

Is it not difficult,
living here now,

knowing that a lot of your
friends will never come back?

It does seem a bit nosy,
but it is just remarkable

that you can still see, there...

the signs
of instantaneous abandonment.

I mean, there is still
kitchen stuff,

everyday, really everyday stuff.

That's what makes it
seem tragic.

It's hard to imagine
what Oshimizu has been through,

but it's clear to me that he
wants to be seen as a survivor,

and not a victim.

Well, I think that's
quite remarkable really,

because as a firefighter, he was
one of the last people out,

and as a restaurateur, he was
one of the first people back in.

We could probably learn
something from that.

And also, I think what
he's doing is remarkably bold,

so good luck to him.

I'm gonna come back
in a couple of years.

My visit to Namie marks the end
of my trip to Tohoku.

It's a sobering finale
to a region

rich in modern and ancient
Japanese rites,

where I've been taught
the correct protocols

for dressing, writing,
and, of course, bathing.

And now, to invoke the spirit
of another British traveler,

it's on to somewhere
completely different.

I've decided to head south

on the train.

Now, it's about 200 miles
from here to Tokyo,

and if I did that on one
of Japan's famous bullet trains,

it would only take about an hour

because they do
200 miles an hour.

And they're not even a new idea.

The bullet trains
have been around

since about a year
after I was born.

That's how old they are.

Today, though,

I'm going to take six hours
by train to go to Tokyo

because I'm going
on something called...

the Shiki-shima train,

and it is
the most luxurious train...

in the world.

Konnichiwa.

Domo arigato.

The Shiki-shima's aesthetic
has been dreamt up

by Ken Okuyama,
a designer who worked on

the Ferrari Enzo
and the Porsche 911,

the 996 series
with the funny headlights.

There's something
of the supercar

about this train.

But unlike a supercar,

it's designed to go slowly.

The ten-car train accommodates

just 34 passengers in 17 suites,

and every fixture and fitting
has been meticulously designed,

from the traditional bentwoods

to the handwoven carpets

made by a company
who supply the Vatican.

Luxury like this, of course,
doesn't come cheap,

but thankfully, the train's
holding a press junket day

to show itself off,

and we've blagged our way
on board.

It is absolutely exquisite
on here.

All the details,
the lights, the woodwork,

the aluminum, the tablecloth,
it's-it's just fantastic.

You can stay on this train
for up to four days,

in which case
the ticket will cost you

a trifling £8,000.

But everything about it
is fabulous.

The Orient Express
is often referred to

as the Shiki-shima of Europe.

In a moment,
I'm going to be served

the first course
of my French lunch

made by a Michelin-starred
Japanese chef.

And, in fact, here it comes now.

You'd almost think
we'd arranged it.

Mmm. Domo arigato.

It's a sliver of raw salmon

anointed with some leaves,

a tiny little piece
of spring onion and a flower.

And...

And that.

Excellent.

- No, no, no, no, no, no!
- No, no!

You can't eat!

I'm not supposed to eat it?

What am I supposed to do
with it?

There's another media who want
to film this food, this lunch.

You can't eat.

- Somebody else
wants to film my lunch?
Yes.

- Why don't they get
their own bloody lunch?

Tickets are £8,000...
What...

Seriously,
I'm not supposed to eat it?

You are not supposed to eat.

You are supposed to allow
other people.

Okay, so you have to stand up
and we have to let other media

to come in and film.

Anyway, it's the best compliment
you can pay a chef,

to say, "Mmm, that's nice,"
and start eating it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you have to respect
other media, as well, right?

Hurry, hurry.

Are they very angry?

Yeah. The lady look at me.

Like, she got this... look.

And then she look at me
as if I didn't explain to you.

So there's other
camerapeople on here.

Right.

- So they all film
the same lunch?
Mm-hmm.

So the other people are
going to take pictures of it,

say, "Look at the exquisite food
on the Shiki-shima train,"

but there's actually
a bit missing

- 'cause I've eaten it.
- Exactly. Because you ate.

It's all your fault.

You will have to do gomanasai,
so you have to practice.

Okay, I will go
and say sumimasen.

- Yeah.
- Douitashimashite.

No, you don't say
douitashimashite to yourself.

You don't say,
"I'm sorry and you're welcome."

No.

Uh, sorry. Sumimasen.

- No, no, no, no.
- I didn't mean to eat...

eat the salmon sake starter.

Sumimasen.

- Oy.
- The sake. Sumimasen.

Ah, chef, sumimasen.

Sumimasen about the salmon.

Could you say,
"I'm sorry about the salmon"?

Sumimasen.

After the entire train had
accepted my prostrate shame,

the chef took pity on me
and gave me some edible lunch.

Though, of course, I was now
too nervous to eat it.

So just to be clear,
can James eat this food or not?

Yes, so James can eat.

I can eat this food?

Yes, you can eat.

Can I have a glass of wine,
or does The New York Times

want to take a photograph of it?

Am I allowed to eat that?

- Yes.
- And that?

- Yes, everything.
- And that? Mmm.

Mmm, that's nice. Mmm.

Tokyo. Excellent!

Come on.

Could you get my bags?
That would be marvelous.

Next time, Japan's capital.

♪ I'm so naughty, naughty ♪

♪ You're so naughty, naughty,
I want to dance... ♪

Uh, here.

♪ I'm so pretty, pretty ♪

♪ You're so cutie, cutie,
I want to dance... ♪

I wonder where it is.

♪ I want to dance ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... ♪

♪ I'm so naughty, naughty,
you're so naughty, naughty ♪

♪ I want to dance... ♪

What... Uh, uh, that could be...

♪ You're so cutie, cutie,
I want to dance ♪

♪ Do you want to dance? ♪

♪ I'm so naughty, naughty,
you're so naughty, naughty ♪

♪ I want to dance ♪

♪ Kiss, kiss, kiss. ♪