Original subtitles

So, how about this?

A miniseries where I play a handsome astronaut

who ages in reverse?

Right? Great.

Great talking to you, James Cameron...'s assistant.

Boo!

Aah!

Oh, my God. You scared me.

Don't bring up God, okay?

I'm the devil. Remember?

You're not getting my soul.

You haven't lived up to your end of the bargain.

What are you talking about?

You're a famous, hot person. That was the deal.

No. The deal was I'd be a famous movie star.

You're one of the biggest movie stars of all time.

I loved you in "Edge of Tomorrow."

That was Tom Cruise.

Shit. Really? He was great.

But anyway, I just wanted to say

have fun tonight, but I got to head out.

You're not staying? No. I hate roasts. They're too mean.

Oh, well, do you have any advice? Yes.

Take everything personally, open with your best rape joke,

and if the night goes slow, just go into the audience,

grab a baby, and slap it.

Wait a minute. That's terrible advice.

What can I say? I give terrible advice.

I'm a terrible guy,

just like that character you played in "Topic Thunder."

-That was Tom Cruise. -I did it again.

So, after tonight, you're taking my soul?

No. I can't.

You already sold your soul when you did

those stupid DirecTV commercials.

Now go on out there and give as good as you get.

[ Sighs ] All right.

Hey, "RoLo," I got to come clean.

I know I look amazing, but I'm not the devil. [ Somber music plays ]

This is a fake tail.

This -- This comes off.

I am weird-eyed and barely funny television's Amy Poehler.

Five years ago on "Parks and Rec,"

we thought it would be funny to pull this prank, but it feels mean now.

I'm sorry.

[ Chuckles ] Good try...

Mr. Devil.

[ Sighs ]

God bless that beautiful dummy.

No live-tweeting this bitch.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Steel Panther's "The Burden of Being Wonderful" plays ]

♪ Why in a world of ugly faces

♪ Should I be allowed to be so hot? ♪

♪ So many people without talent ♪

♪ Yet I was born with all the magical gifts I've got ♪

♪ The perfect body, the perfect face ♪

♪ It's like God's best work all in one place ♪

♪ But the haters hate perfection ♪

♪ Can't you see?

♪ It's a burden being wonderful like me ♪

Announcer: The Comedy Central Roast of this fucking guy.

And now please welcome your roastmaster, David Spade.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Thank you.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe.

That's right.

We're here to honor one of the biggest stars of 1987...

[ Laughter ]

with some of the biggest stars of 1984.

[ Chuckles ]

Ralph Macchio is here.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ralph's a great guy. I drove over here with him.

Gave him five stars.

[ Laughter ]

Many of you know Rob from "Parks and Rec."

A lot of you know him from "The West Wing."

[ Cheers and applause ]

A couple of people know him from Grindr.

[ Laughter, wolf whistle ]

And if you swiped right,

you met him in person 10 minutes later.

[ Laughter ]

At one time, Rob was one of the biggest stars in the world.

He was an A-list actor.

He was named one of the 50 most beautiful people in the world,

and he fucked the other 49.

[ Laughter ]

These are compliments.

And now, the moment your stepmom has been waiting for --

Rob Lowe's package.

I'm Rob Lowe.

♪ Hey, yun-dun-dun

And I'm painfully awkward Rob Lowe.

And I'm meathead Rob Lowe.

And I'm crazy-hairy Rob Lowe.

You don't want to be like me, anyway.

Who's ready to make a mother fucking movie?

♪ Get low, get low, get low, get low, get low ♪

♪ Get low, get low, get low ♪

Where's my hug?

Rivers: At 20, you have affairs with every leading lady

that you've been in a movie with.

Where do you read these things? National Enquirer, which does not lie.

What you got on underneath that skirt? You should know.

As you get older and you experience life,

you take on new sensations that have to be recorded.

Man: Rob Lowe was considered

a promising young Hollywood heartthrob.

Then, came the infamous videotape.

When did you find out she was 16?

Ha! A little too late.

Man: Rob Lowe's big "Snow White" musical number is

an Oscars disaster.

Literally. Literally.

Literally a never-ending roller coaster of emotion.

Is this how you guys decide to go to war?

I don't know. I'm usually not in the room when they do that. Sam.

Could somebody get her a cupcake or something?

Who wants Chinese takeout?

[ Speaking Chinese ]

This guy is good.

♪ 'Cause I got so down, I held the world for ransom ♪

You know what your problem is? Your face.

♪ Lonely, bored, and bad, thank god I'm handsome ♪

As a handsome man, it comes with the price.

It's a burden.

♪ So pretty

Scientists believe that the first human being

who will live 150 years has already been born.

I believe I am that human being.

-Whoa. -So freeing!

Are you gonna squirt some? You gonna cry?

You gonna cry? Ohh!

♪ I am the greatest man that ever lived ♪

New uniforms for the playoffs?

♪ To give and give and give

♪ I am the greatest Oh! Sorry.

♪ Man that ever lived

Lowe: This may not be the Rob Lowe that people are used to seeing,

but it's the Rob Lowe that's inside me.

To hard cocks and handsome men.

♪ Oh, oh, ahhhhhhhh ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's a shame we had to sit through all that

just to see five seconds of the sex tape.

And please welcome our guest of honor,

my buddy, Rob Lowe.

[ Cheers and applause ] ♪ He was once

♪ The hottest guy in 1983

♪ And now he's still on way too many shows on my TV ♪

♪ He went from "West Wing" to "Parks and Rec" ♪

♪ Though we can only guess

♪ What he'll get canceled next

♪ Have you met the man we're roasting? ♪

♪ Did you see "St. Elmo's Fire"? ♪

♪ He's been going slowly, tell you ♪

♪ Since "The Outsiders"

♪ How the hell do you look so good ♪

♪ After all that blow?

♪ He is the man of the hour, his name is Rob Lowe ♪

♪ R-o-o-ob Lowe

Rob, good to see you. How's it going?

So far, so -- Talk to me at about an hour. [ Chuckles ]

Is this guy hot or what?

There's not a dry pussy in the place. [ Cheers and applause ]

We have a clean up on every chick's chair.

[ Laughter ]

For years Rob Lowe had a sex addiction,

but he cured it by getting less famous.

[ Laughter ]

Rob was in a movie called "The Outsiders" back in the day.

Remember that? [ Cheers and applause, wolf whistle ]

His character was called Sodapop

because, at the time, Rob was 98% coke.

[ Laughter ]

I remember the first time I became aware of Rob.

I was at a casting meeting for "Tommy Boy"

when I came across your head shot,

and I do mean "came across."

[ Laughter ]

He's good-looking.

It's not easy being Rob.

He said being so handsome made it difficult

for him to find meaningful roles.

I wanted to ask Brad Pitt about that,

but he was too busy acting in meaningful roles.

[ Laughter ]

Rob's not a gay man,

but he plays one every moment of his life.

[ Laughter ]

Rob has a line of skin-care products.

You can buy them online.

You won't, but you can.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

Our younger audience might not know who you are,

so, kids, this is who your mom thinks about

when she's fucking your dad.

[ Laughter ]

Rob was great on "The West Wing."

You remember that show?

[ Cheers and applause ]

I assume your pal Charlie Sheen helped you with that.

He's used to working with "aides."

[ Audience ohhs ] White House aides.

What did you g--

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Rob looks great for his age.

Many people have wondered if he's had any plastic surgery.

Those same people have wondered

if Caitlyn Jenner has any plastic surgery.

[ Laughter ]

Rob came up at a time when a sex tape could

really ruin your career.

But Rob had to do it the hard way -- with his acting.

[ Laughter ]

Rob was in the "Austin Powers" movie 16 years ago.

Can you believe it's 16? Or, as he calls it, 18.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah!

These are little jabs.

Rob was in "Austin Powers 2."

He was excited to meet the cat, Mr. Bigglesworth,

since it had been a while since he'd made a movie

with a hairless pussy.

[ Laughter ]

Rob has been clean and sober for 26 years.

To put that in perspective, if --

[ Cheers and applause ] That's right.

26 years.

To put that in perspective, if sobriety was a baby,

he would have fucked it 10 years ago.

[ Laughter ]

It really makes you...

Rob has been called "The Comeback Kid."

No. I read that wrong.

Rob has come on the back of a kid.

That's right -- in the video. That's right. [ Laughter ]

Glad we got that out of the way. All right.

Here we go.

It's time for me to stop yapping

and to bring up the first roaster,

Pete Davidson.

Pete's dad never got to see him on "SNL"

because he passed away on 9/11.

Pete's mom has never seen him on "SNL" because she blinks.

[ Laughter ]

Is Pete white? Is he black?

Ann Coulter needs to know so she can decide if she hates him.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Pete, I actually thought you were black,

but I guess you just have your dad's ashy skin.

[ Audience ohhs ] Here he is -- Pete Davidson!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Whoa.

Macaulay Culkin looks worse than I thought.

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]

You know, last year, we did Bieber,

and now it's Rob Lowe.

Who's next -- Flo, the Progressive Lady?

[ Laughter ]

David, thanks for taking time away

from waiting for Sandler to write "Grown Ups 3" to be here.

[ Laughter ]

David Spade's assistant once tried to kill him in his sleep,

and the world was shocked

to find out you could afford an assistant.

[ Laughter ] That's not bad.

Rob Riggle is here.

I actually really love Rob Riggle.

Rob -- Yeah. Rob was as -- [ Cheers and applause ]

Rob was a Marine --

the few, the proud --

which also describes his fans.

[ Laughter ]

Peyton Manning is here.

I fucking love Peyton Manning.

[ Cheers and applause ] He's the shit.

Peyton -- Peyton looks like if football players evolved

to no longer need helmets.

[ Laughter ]

No, seriously, Peyton, I love all your of work,

especially when I saw you in "The Goonies" yelling,

"Hey, you guys!"

[ Laughter ]

A super bowl is also what Peyton's mom had

to cut his hair with as a child.

[ Laughter ]

Jimmy Carr is here.

When I first met Jimmy Carr, I thought, "Wow!

Jeff Dunham's puppets are getting amazing!"

[ Laughter ]

Jimmy, you look like a butler in a haunted mansion.

Nikki Glaser's here. I'm friends with Nikki.

So, it's -- She's very funny. [ Cheers and applause ]

You know, Nikki has a show called "Not Safe,"

though most people call it "Not Schumer."

[ Audience ohhs ]

Ah, fuck you.

Well, Ralph Macchio is here. That's really cool, right?

Ralph Macchio, right? [ Cheers and applause ]

You may know Ralph Macchio from saying, "Wax on, wax off,"

if you've been to the car wash on Melrose and La Brea.

[ Laughter ]

And Ann Coulter is here, everybody.

Ann Coulter, if you're here,

who's scaring the crows away from our crops?!

[ Laughter ]

You know, Ann describes herself as a polemicist,

but most people call her a cunt.

[ Laughter ]

You know, last year, we had Martha Stewart,

who sells sheets, and now we have Ann Coulter,

who cuts eyeholes in them.

[ Laughter ]

Uh, anyway, Jewel's here.

Jewel, I won't make fun of you yet

'cause I want to give everyone at home time

to Google who you are. [ Laughter ]

My mom really wanted me to get you to sign this.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I, uh -- I don't know what the fuck it is.

If it's a phone, it's broken,

but she'd really appreciate if you could sign this.

My mom came here to see you, so, uh, yeah.

Let's hear it for Rob Lowe, okay? Right?

[ Cheers and applause ] Rob Lowe.

Or, as gonorrhea doctors call him, patient zero.

[ Laughter ]

People call Rob Lowe a bad actor,

but that's only because they never saw him tell his wife

he didn't fuck that nanny.

[ Laughter ]

Rob has two beautiful kids here.

Not his children -- They're just guaranteed in his contract.

[ Laughter ]

Rob was the first male spokesperson

for the Lee National Denim Day, which raises millions of dollars

for breast-cancer research, you know?

That's a great thing. It's a disease -- Yeah.

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's a disease that his mother, his grandmother,

and great-grandmother suffered from.

But you still fucked a 16-year-old girl in 1988.

[ Laughter ]

It doesn't change anything.

You still did that.

I'm coming for you.

No, seriously, thank you for having me here.

I don't know why I'm here. I don't know who any of you are, really.

It's like -- I was born after all this happened.

But, seriously, you've had an amazing career.

And I'll be extremely lucky if I'm, you know, able

to tell jokes up here 30 years later.

Actually, no, that would mean I would just be Jeff Ross,

so never mind. [ Laughter ]

Give it up for Rob Lowe, everybody.

Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Announcer: Coming up, David Spade, Rob Riggle...

I'm gonna fuck you in the ass.

I can't say that, can I?

...and Peyton Manning, Jimmy Carr,

Nikki Glaser, Ralph Macchio,

Ann Coulter, Jewel,

and Jeff Ross... -Where's the party at?

...when the Roast of Rob Lowe continues.

I was just kidding about the whole...

[ Cheers and applause ]

Up next is Rob Riggle.

You may not know this,

but Rob Riggle was a pilot in the Marines

who got shot down at "SNL," ABC, and HBO.

[ Laughter ]

Things were so tough for him at "SNL,"

his call time was Sunday morning.

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckling ] Please welcome Rob Riggle.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Oh! Come on! David Spade!

Give it up for David Spade tonight as our host,

doing a great job.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thanks, David, for giving me

a copy of your autobiography before the show.

David always keeps a copy on him

'cause it helps him reach the steering wheel, honestly.

"Tiny little baby man" is what I'm saying!

[ Laughter ]

The only thing shorter than David Spade is

Jewel's "Greatest Hits" album. [ Audience ohhs ]

[Chuckles] Ohh! Two songs! Two songs!

"Save Your Soul"? Eh, save your money.

[ Laughter ]

Who else we got?

Holy shit!

Is that Ann Coulter?

Ann Coulter is here, which can mean only one thing --

Someone must have said her name three times.

Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Jimmy Carr's here.

Frigging limey. Anyway, Jimmy's here.

He's representing a new British invasion,

and not the good one with the Beatles --

the first one, where we had to shoot them all.

[ Chanting ] U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

[ Laughter ]

Jeff Ross, the Roastmaster General, huh?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Jeff's a regular at the Friars Club,

but that really shouldn't be a surprise to anybody.

I mean, they serve food. [ Chuckles ]

Fat! Ugly! Nowhere else to go!

[ Laughter ]

Pete Davidson's ugly.

[ Laughter ]

He's actually going on his third year of "SNL."

It's been a while since I've been there,

of course, but, uh, you got to help me out now.

Is it the fourth year that they finally let you see

an orthodontist?

Jacked-up teeth! [ Laughter ]

Fix that shit!

Jimmy Carr's got better teeth, and he's British!

[ Laughter ]

And then there's "The Sheriff."

Well, well, well... [ Cheers and applause ]

...old number 18, Peyton Manning.

[ Laughs ]

Peyton, as you know, is from New Orleans.

But you might not know this, though --

After Katrina, he helped displaced families

by letting them stand on his forehead for two days. [ Laughter ]

A real New Orleans saint!

Room for everyone, folks.

Hey, look -- It's Ralph Macchio.

"How cool is that?" -Yeah! Ralphie!

[ Cheers and applause ]

...Said no one ever.

[ Laughter ]

Swept the leg!

"Karate Kid II" is the worst sequel

since World War II.

[ Laughter ]

And Pat Morita had to suffer through both!

Wax on! Wax off!

Nikki Glaser has no idea what I'm talking about right now

because, one, she only watches porn,

and, two, she's never waxed in her life.

Hairy asshole!

[ Laughter ]

[ Chanting ] Big hairy asshole! Big hairy asshole!

Big hairy asshole!

[ Crowd chants "Big hairy asshole" ] Asshole! Thank you!

[ Laughter ]

I'm sorry, Jeff. I didn't mean to make you hungry.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, speaking of bleached, hairy assholes,

let's talk about Rob Lowe for a minute.

Rob, in both your sex tapes,

you appeared with two other people.

Good God, man, you can't even carry a sex tape.

[ Laughter ]

You're like the me of sex tapes.

Self-deprecating!

Beat you to the punch!

Fun fact --

Ann Coulter has a big, angry bush.

No joke. That's just a fun fact.

Rob's played many wonderful characters in film.

Recently, he played JFK in the movie "Killing Kennedy."

Jesus Christ, hasn't that family suffered enough?

[ Laughter ]

Grassy knoll!

But not as grassy as Ann Coulter's big, angry bush!

Instant callback!

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

And who can forget "Parks and Rec,"

where Rob played a guy who misused the word "literally"?

Correct use of the word would be something like --

I don't know, um --

"Rob Lowe has literally had sex with everyone in this room"

except Ann Coulter because her bush is literally too angry!

Yes! Three-peat! It's a three-peat!

They said I couldn't do it, but I did it!

I nailed Ann Coulter's bush three times!

[ Laughter, applause ]

Rob, you're a good man and a good friend,

and I can't wait to see what failed pilot

we're gonna do together next year.

[ Laughter ]

All right, folks, I have literally

run out of things to say about all these scumbags.

Everybody, Riggle out!

Mwah! Mwah! Ah.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Announcer: Still to come...

Ah?

-...Jewel... -Jewel, right here!

Announcer: Ralph Macchio, Jimmy Carr...

Fucking hell, he's handsome, though, isn't he?

-[ Laughs ] -...and Peyton Manning.

-It's payback time. -You ready for this?

I don't think you're read for this.

This may be the last time you ever seen me alive.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Thank you, guys.

Coming to the podium next is the beautiful and talented Jewel.

She was born in Alaska,

and for the last 20 years, her career has been on ice.

[ Laughter ]

Jewel grew up in a house with no plumbing,

so she turned her shit into music.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

She'll be leaving right after the show,

but her tooth is gonna hang out. Please welcome Jewel!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Thank you.

Jewel: Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause intensify ]

[ Guitar strums ]

Thank you so much. It is an honor to be here.

Um, I do want to say, first of all, as a feminist,

I can't support everything

that's being said up here tonight.

But, uh, as somebody that hates Ann Coulter,

I'm delighted, so...

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Soft guitar music plays ]

[ Clears throat ]

It is nice to see my friend David Spade.

You guys are well aware --

His assistant once tried to murder him, which -- I don't know.

I guess the stress of answering the phone twice a month

finally got to him.

[ Laughter ]

That would be hard. That would be hard.

[ Soft guitar music plays ]

David Spade, amazingly, has slept

with some of the most beautiful actresses in Hollywood,

proving just how ugly show business makes women feel.

[ Audience ohhs ]

[ Laughter and applause ]

And look at this little nugget -- Pete Davidson.

It's hard to recognize him when he's not on "SNL"

or on an adventure with the Man in the Yellow Hat.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Guitar strums ]

And Ralph Macchio is here.

Who doesn't love Ralph Macchio? [ Cheering ]

Bill collectors... [ Laughter ]

and actual karate masters and -- I don't know --

real actors and Italians.

You know...people, so...

[ Laughter ]

[ Guitar strumming ]

And there's Rob Riggle.

Rob, you look like every dad

who can't handle having a gay son.

You just -- just...

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's just what comes to mind. I don't know.

[ Chuckles ]

And Peyton Manning is here

because Eli is still out there making his dad proud.

[ Audience ohhs ]

[ Applause ]

[ Soft guitar music plays ]

Jeff Ross is gonna party like it's 1999.

Ann Coulter is going to vote like it's 1899.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Chuckles ]

Ann, you do look great, though.

You're almost as thin as Donald Trump's chance of winning the election,

so that's...cool. [ Cheers and applause ]

Actually, you wouldn't believe this --

It's really a small world because, last week,

I was behind Ann Coulter in line at Chipotle,

and she ordered something to go --

the entire kitchen staff. [ Audience ohhs ]

She was like, "Leave..."

[ Laughter ]

"...the country."

[ Guitar strums ] [ Chuckles ]

What's weird is, believe it or not,

gay men love Ann Coulter.

It's because two seconds into hearing her speak,

they remember why they hate pussy.

[ Guitar strums ] [ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

Speaking of pussy...

Rob Lowe.

[ Laughter ] [ Sighs ]

People may be wondering what my connection is to Rob.

Well, years ago, I was cast in a show called "Lyon's Den."

I'm sure none of you saw it because it starred Rob Lowe.

But anyway,

the first script said that Rob and I were supposed to kiss,

and I asked them if they could rewrite it

so I wouldn't have to

because I knew where that mouth had been.

But they said no, and I had to do it.

So, years later, Rob wrote in his memoir

that I was the only girl in history

who did not want to kiss Rob Lowe.

He talked about it on his book tour.

He bitched about it on "Howard Stern."

He even made out with Ellen to show her what it was like.

Yeah.

Well, that part I actually kind of understood

because kissing him did make me feel like a lesbian.

Um... [ Laughter ]

[ Guitar strums ]

So, Rob, I know you've always wondered

why I didn't kiss you that day.

So tonight, I will tell you why...in song.

[ Cheers and applause, soft guitar music plays ]

♪ Rob was so shocked on "The Lyon's Den" ♪

♪ When I did not want to kiss him ♪

♪ You see the problem, Rob, is you're such a whore ♪

♪ You completely forgot

♪ We hooked up before

♪ 'Cause you showed me

♪ Your penis

♪ When I was just 16-ish

♪ Back in 1988

♪ I was that girl on your sex tape ♪

♪ Maybe you missed my name

♪ 'Cause you were high on so much cocaine ♪

♪ Out of all your films

♪ I'm the best thing you were ever in ♪

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ Yeah, in his whole career

♪ I'm the best thing Rob Lowe has ever been in ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

And that's why I didn't want to kiss you, you son of a bitch!

[ Song ends ] Thank you. Good night.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Announcer: Up next, Jimmy Carr.

So, I guess you finally got the bottom of that barrel clean.

Well, they booked me.

Announcer: And later, Peyton Manning...

"Rob, stick to your day job. Thanks for having me.

All our best."

-...Nikki Glaser... -I'm falling off the wagon.

...when the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe continues.

-Jewel -- So fucking good. -[ Laughs ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Jewel, holy shit.

Jewel brought it tonight.

[ Cheers and applause ] Great job.

All right, let's keep it going.

If you don't know who Jimmy Carr is,

he's a comic who sells out theaters in England,

Hong Kong, Thailand, and Australia.

There's a name for that in America --

opening act.

[ Laughter ]

Jimmy's like soccer -- He's huge in England,

but everyone in America just thinks he's kind of gay.

[ Laughter ]

He looks like his dick wears a monocle.

Here he is -- Jimmy Carr!

[ Applause ]

♪♪

David Spade, our host this evening, doing a fabulous job.

[ Cheers and applause ]

You look like a female Ellen DeGeneres.

[ Laughter ]

David is perhaps best known for his work

with comedy legend Chris Farley.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Tragically, Chris Farley died when his heart stopped

due to a lethal combination of heroin, cocaine,

and the stress of carrying David Spade through two movies.

[ Laughter ]

[ Whistle ]

[ Laughter ]

Peyton Manning is here.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Obviously, I don't know much about American football,

but I'm told Peyton Manning is one

of the top three quarterbacks

in his family.

[ Laughter ]

Peyton, you look like

if a kid with Down Syndrome wished he was big.

[ Laughter ]

Peyton had a long and prestigious career in the NFL.

He played with some of the all time greatest

rapists, murderers, and wife beaters.

[ Laughter ]

Come on, the only people who get more concussions

than NFL players are their wives.

[ Audience ohhs ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Rob Riggle claims he used to be a Marine.

But he also claims he's now a comedian,

so I don't know what to believe.

[ Laughter ]

Rob served in Afghanistan

before becoming a stand-up comic.

Then, the real bombing began.

[ Laughter ]

Nikki Glaser is here -- one of my favorites.

[ Light cheers and applause ]

On Nikki's Comedy Central show "Not Safe,"

she found out her father is hung like a horse.

And we found out

Nikki inherited her face from her dad's dick.

[ Laughter ]

Pete Davidson's here.

[ Applause ]

I'm appalled that people would come here

and make jokes about the sacrifice

Pete's heroic father made on 9/11.

This is not the roast of Pete Davidson's father.

That was in 2001.

[ Audience ohhs ]

-Oh, that was dope. -Wow.

Wow. -That's a good one.

Ann Coulter.

Here we go.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ann Coulter is one of the most repugnant,

hateful, hatchet-faced bitches alive.

[ Cheering ] But --

But it's not to late to change, Ann.

You could kill yourself.

[ Audience ohhs, laughter, applause ]

Ann Coulter looks so much like a truck-stop transvestite whore

that I saw Jeff Ross run to an ATM just before the show.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ann Coulter's pussy...

[ Laughter ]

Seriously, this gets classy.

[ Laughter ]

Ann Coulter's pussy is now so old and dry

that it's just got a job drawing cartoons for The New Yorker.

[ Laughter ]

Ralph Macchio. Uh...

Obviously, not the first choice

of Rob's '80s co-stars to be here tonight.

But Tom Cruise is too famous,

and Patrick Swayze isn't answering his phone.

[ Laughter ]

When Comedy Central was putting together the line-up

for tonight, Ralph Macchio's name was

at the very top of the list,

and that list was marked "worst-case scenario."

[ Laughter ]

Jewel.

Hm.

[ Laughter ]

Jewel has an incredible voice, an incredible body,

and a face.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Jeff Ross -- Jeff is called the Roastmaster

because he works in a Starbucks.

[ Laughter ]

Jeff Ross is what cancer patients would look like

if chemotherapy was cream-filled.

[ Laughter ]

[ Stifled laugh ]

And so we come to the iconic Rob Lowe.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Rob Lowe is like a Ken doll.

He's plastic and often the first thing

to enter a teenage girl's vagina.

[ Audience groans, light laughter ]

Underage girls always felt safe making sex tapes with Rob

because they knew no one would ever watch

a movie starring Rob Lowe.

[ Laughter ]

Rob has been involved in four lawsuits

with former nannies.

Rob says he didn't fuck those nannies,

and I believe him because he's either telling the truth

or he's the best actor in the world.

[ Laughter, applause ]

It's been an honor being here tonight.

My friends back at home aren't gonna believe me

when I tell them I got to roast

Charlie Sheen's brother's friend.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

And I have to thank Rob Lowe -- what a top man allowing us

to say such horrible things

right to where his face used to be.

[ Laughter ]

Thanks very much. Good night.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Announcer: Up next, Peyton Manning.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Announcer: Plus, later, Ralph Macchio.

"Stay gold" bringing the gold. Right here. Right here.

Announcer: And Rob fucking Lowe gets his revenge.

Let's do it.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

You guys, Peyton Manning is here physically.

[ Cheering ]

No, come on. We love Peyton Manning.

We're lucky to have him tonight.

I'll never forget Peyton's career.

Sadly, he will.

[ Audience ohhs ]

[ Laughs ]

He may be the only person up here

who's been given more head than Rob Lowe.

Please welcome Peyton Manning!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks. Thank you. [ Cheers and applause intensify ]

Oh, wow. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's good. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you, David.

For your first roast,

this has got to be really exciting for you.

Your performance so far reminds me

of my rookie year in the NFL,

when I threw a league high 28 interceptions

and had absolutely no clue what I was doing.

[ Laughter ]

As we all know, I followed in my father's footsteps,

but, David, you forged a path on your own.

I know you wanted to follow in your dad's footsteps,

but he snuck out of the house so carefully

he didn't leave any tracks.

[ Laughter ] Oh, my God.

Peyton!

Peyton Manning bringing it!

He's bringing it!

But you did it anyway, David.

You went out and got a business degree

from Arizona State...

[ Laughter ]

although, to be fair, I think we all know

that a business degree from Arizona State is

just a bar towel that says, "You read good."

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ] Woman: Love you, Peyton!

Speaking of reading, I recently read Spade's memoir,

"Almost Interesting."

Actually, I'm lying -- You really think the first book

I picked up in 20 years is gonna be by the guy

who played Dickie Roberts, former child star?

[ Laughter ] I don't think so.

What the fuck?

No, Peyton.

By the way, David, that title, "Almost Interesting" --

Talk about false advertising. [ Laughter ]

Now, if you wanted to be honest, you should have called it

"Almost Tall Enough to Ride a Roller Coaster."

[ Cheers and applause ]

I'll take it.

[ To the tune of the Nationwide jingle ] ♪ David Spade is dumb and short ♪

[ Laughter ]

Sorry. [ Cheers and applause ]

Bad habit. Sorry. I already know.

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's just a habit.

It's a bad habit. I'm sorry.

Jeff Ross, I love that new hairstyle, pal.

It makes it so much easier

for women to describe you to the cops.

[ Laughter ]

Now all they have to say is, "He looked like fat Pitbull."

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Wow.

I just realized that I am not

the only athlete up here tonight.

As you all know, earlier this year,

Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ] You're not laughing.

Congrats on that, Ann. Great job.

Holy cow. Stay gold, Ponyboy.

It's Ralph Macchio.

I'm a big fan, Ralph.

"The Outsiders," "My Cousin Vinny,"

"The Karate Kid" --

Remember when Mr. Miyagi taught you that crane kick?

Gosh, was that awesome.

It was even more awesome seeing you do it backstage to

a vending machine that ate your dollar.

[ Laughter ]

But I got to tell you, I got to tell you --

I have no idea who the rest of you guys up here are.

I mean, I've been sitting up here tonight

with all these folks that no one's ever heard of,

thinking to myself, "Did I just get traded

to the Jacksonville Jaguars?"

[ Cheers and applause ]

I mean, this dais -- Come on.

They had to fly in some weirdo from England

just to get enough guys up here.

[ Laughter ]

No offense, weirdo. It's Jimmy Carr, right?

That's your name? Welcome to America.

[ Laughter ]

I know you guys use words differently there.

Like, for example, in England, "football" means "soccer,"

and here in America, "Jimmy Carr" means,

"We couldn't get Russell Brand."

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

I just met this guy Pete Davidson backstage

before the show -- a great guy.

He asked to take a picture with me,

and I didn't even realize he was one of the comedians.

I told him, "Don't give up, kid.

Whatever disease you have, you can beat it."

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Davidson: Guys.

Guys, that's the Super Bowl king.

That's the Super Bowl king.

Yes.

But enough about these benchwarmers.

You guys didn't come here tonight

to find out about these losers.

You came here tonight to find out

why in the heck I came here tonight.

[ Cheering ] Well, five years ago,

ESPN NFL insider Rob Lowe here tweeted out

to the entire world that I was retiring from football.

Not five months ago, when I actually did retire,

but five years ago, Sodapop Curtis tweeted

that I was done,

finished.

I mean, Rob, I never tried to ruin your big moments.

I didn't tell people when "The Grinder" got canceled

or when "Dr. Vegas" got canceled

or when "Lyon's Den" got canceled

or when "Moonbeam City" got canceled

or when your DirectTV commercials got canceled.

Heck, I was just thinking, had you been quarterback

for the Broncos last year,

the freaking Super Bowl would have been canceled.

[ Laughter ]

In fact, the only thing you're consistently on is Twitter,

which is surprising because you've

never been able to master one character, let alone 140.

[ Cheers and applause ]

But look, pal, what's done is done.

What do you say we put this whole thing behind us?

I wish you well.

I sincerely hope you can break

this 20-season losing streak you've been on.

But, hey, I don't worry about Rob Lowe.

He is a workhorse.

And heck, man, if they ever stop casting you in sitcoms,

just look on the bright side -- You tried to take the air

out of my retirement announcement so fast,

you can probably get a job as Tom Brady's ball boy.

[ Cheers and applause ]

God bless all of you,

and God bless Rob Lowe

because he's going to need it.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Peyton, so good!

Announcer: Coming up on the Roast of Rob Lowe...

-Hello? -...Nikki Glaser.

Thank you for having me.

I'm sorry you don't know who I am at all.

Announcer: And later, Roastmaster General Jeff Ross.

I want to fuck all of you!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

You know, some people say Nikki Glaser is only here

because she's good-looking.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

[ Laughter ]

If you haven't seen Nikki's show yet,

you're me.

[ Laughter ]

Please welcome sexy-adjacent Nikki Glaser.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

David Spade, you guys!

Keep it going! [ Cheers and applause ]

David Spade, the host with the most...

step stools in your apartment.

[ Laughter ]

David, you've seriously influenced

so many female comics'... haircuts.

[ Laughter ]

Tonight, Jeff is dressed as Prince

...the prince of whales... the animal.

You're fat.

[ Laughter ]

Jeff, if you changed your name to a symbol,

it would be the Arby's logo.

[ Laughter ]

Jeff.

No, Jeff, I'll admit --

I have imagined Jeff without clothes.

It's how I stay thin.

[ Laughter ]

Rob Riggle. [ Groans ]

I want to thank you so much for fighting

the war against terrorism... and subtlety.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Jimmy A. Carr...

is what Ralph Macchio has to do to find a place to sleep every night.

[ Laughter ]

"Jimmy a car" -- That's pretty good.

Jewel is here,

or, as I call her, "Trailer Swift."

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Jewel, I do not want to bad-mouth you

since God already did.

[ Audience ohhs ] No.

[ Laughter ]

I think your smile is cute.

I feel like your teeth are like the Spice Girls.

You know, they're all different colors, and they're, like,

doing their own thing, so that's --

[ Laughter ] It's fun.

[ Applause ]

[ Laughing ] Oh, my God.

Peyton Manning is here.

That's not for you guys. That's for him.

Peyton, you're here right now. You've had a lot of concussions.

[ Laughter ] You're here.

[ Enunciating ] Don't murder your wife.

I don't know much about football,

but I love Peyton, uh, in commercials.

You're like -- You're so good in them, like legitimately.

I'd say you're the greatest of all time.

I'd say, like, you're like the Tom Brady

of being in commercials.

You know, like, the greatest. [ Cheers and applause ]

Like, he's the greatest, right? So...

[ Laughter, whistle ]

And without "fuehrer" ado, Ann Coulter!

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Oh, Ann.

What's it like to be, like, a real-life super villain, you know?

Like...I'd ask you how you sleep at night,

but I'd assume just upside-down in a robe of 101 dalmatians.

[ Laughter ]

Ann Coulter has 11 written books --

12 if you count "Mein Kampf."

[ Laughter ] Yes.

Ann's been called things like a racist, anti-Semitic,

homophobic, a white supremacist,

and that's just while getting plowed by Bill Maher.

[ Laughter ]

The only person you will ever make happy is

the Mexican who digs your grave.

[ Audience ohhs ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Chuckles ]

Speaking of Hitler,

Jeff, you and Hitler have a lot in common --

-What's that? -...micro penis,

you're bad at your art,

and no one cared about you till you started roasting people.

[ Audience groans ]

Guys...

I can make that joke 'cause I'm not Jewish,

so I don't care.

[ Laughter ]

Don't be mad. At least I acknowledge the Holocaust.

Ann doesn't even think it happened.

[ Laughter ]

Speaking of deniable tragedies, Rob Lowe!

[ Cheers and applause ]

You're so fucking hot, I can't even stand it.

Rob defies age...restrictions.

[ Laughter ]

You really -- You're -- You're a fucking Adonis.

Look at you.

You look like you're sculpted.

I mean, you put the "statue" in "statutory rape."

[ Laughter ] I mean, right?

God, I had such a crush on you when I was a little girl.

If only I'd known that's when I had my best shot.

[ Sighs ] [ Laughter ]

Thank you so much.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Announcer: Up next, Ralph Macchio.

-So fucking handsome. -You're so cute.

[ Grunts ]

Announcer: Plus, Ann Coulter.

Yeah, I'll start to feel the love after the third drink.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

All right, you might know our next roaster, Ralph Macchio,

as the Karate Kid,

and if you don't know him from that,

then you don't know him.

[ Laughter ]

Ralph's only chance to be in a blockbuster

went away when it went out of business.

Please welcome Ralph Macchio!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Thank you, David.

Yes, it's me, Ralph Macchio...

[ Cheers and applause ]

...the Karate Kid, yes.

I still look the same, don't I?

[ Light cheers ] Right? Come on.

[ Cheering ]

My secret to looking so young --

not working.

[ Laughter ]

Ann Coulter -- I'm glad to see you here, Ann.

I-I -- You know, I respect you.

You're the one female commentator

who's not afraid to stand up...

to take a leak.

[ Laughter ]

And it's great to be here

with Super Bowl champ Peyton Manning.

[ Cheers and applause ] Come on. Peyton Manning.

Peyton wrote a children's book.

It wasn't meant to be a children's book, but he...

[ Laughter ]

he did the best that he could.

[ Laughter ]

Of course, Jeff Ross is here tonight.

He's hilarious on "Roast Battle."

It's an hour of someone trying to wrestle

a pork roast out of his hands.

[ Laughter ]

But, Jeff, David, and all the rest of you,

I want to thank you for being here tonight

for my old friend Rob Lowe...

[ Cheers and applause ]

my greaser brother from the "The Outsiders."

[ Cheering, whistling ] How about that?

Rob, because of that film, we are bound together for life.

But you're Rob Lowe,

and I'm just Ralph Macchio.

You know, okay, Rob, I-I might not have your career,

but if they were roasting me, the biggest star here would be

a lot fucking bigger than me, all right?

If I had a roast and the biggest star I could get was me,

I would just do what Rob Riggle did

and get the fuck out of show business.

[ Laughter ]

You did "The West Wing" with Martin Sheen,

You were in "Parks and Rec" with Chris Pratt,

and the biggest movie star you could get to show up tonight

is Ralph fucking Macchio?

[ Laughter ] That is pathetic, dude.

And that's a direct quote from my kids.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

And yet, y-you just -- You keep going.

How did you get a bigger career than me?

I could have gotten all those shows you were on canceled

if I was just given a chance.

[ Laughter ]

It's not fair.

After people saw me as a likable, clean-cut kid,

that's all they ever wanted me to be.

They saw you fuck a 16-year-old,

and they're like, "Hmm, he looks like

he can work in the White House."

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

You -- You charmed idiot.

You did a sex tape, and you still got work.

You ruined "Snow White" at the Oscars,

and you still got work.

You did "The Grinder," and here you are on TV again.

I can't fucking escape you.

You know how many times I've just been trying

to forget about life, watch a little football,

when you pop up on my screen

in one of those "creepy" DirecTV commercials?

All of those different Rob Lowes,

and not one of those scumbags could hook me up

with a decent gig?

[ Laughter ]

You did two sex tapes, and you couldn't give me a part?

Come on, man!

You know I'll be in any sequel.

[ Laughter ]

Nothing!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Then, out of the blue, I get this call

from Comedy Central asking me to do a roast.

Yeah, people are gonna shit on me for an hour,

but if I do well, this could be my big comeback, right?

"Who are they roasting?

Rob Lowe?!

Shit!

It's probably being canceled right now!"

[ Laughter ]

Unbelievable.

I've had to take a lot of ass-kickings

in this business, but to take a beating tonight for you,

you with those blue eyes

and the fucking soft skin --

God, you had it easy, princess.

[ Laughter ]

I hate you.

I fucking hate you, Rob Lowe.

I hate you like...

a brother.

[ Audience awws ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

And that, mother fucker, is

what you call acting.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I love you, Rob. Good night!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Cheers.

Announcer: Still to come, more from David Spade.

Is that it? Am I wrapped?

Woman: [ Laughs ]

Announcer: Plus, Ann Coulter

and Roastmaster General Jeff Ross

when the roast of this fucking guy continues.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

All right, guys,

and now a real treat for fans of hate-watching.

-Yeah! -Ann Coulter's coming up.

Ann hopes the Republicans can hold on to the House

so she can continue to haunt it.

[ Laughter ]

She seems stiff and conservative,

but Ann gets wild in the sheets.

Just ask the Klan.

[ Laughter ]

Looks like she's having a good time.

I haven't seen you laugh this hard since Trayvon Martin got shot.

[ Audience ohhs ] Please welcome Ann Coulter!

[ "The Star-Spangled Banner" plays ]

Thank you.

I want to welcome everybody

to the Ann Coulter Roast with Rob Lowe.

[ Laughter ] Um, I just --

I just -- I'm so overwhelmed

with the love in this room tonight.

I can't thank you enough.

It's -- It's really something.

No, I'm actually -- I'm not a comedian,

which is why you can imagine

I often get mistaken for Nikki Glaser.

Um... [ Laughter ]

I'm -- I'm only here tonight

because of all of the love and respect I have for Rob Lowe

and all these fabulous and talented performers tonight.

It has nothing to do with this being the next stop

on my press junket for the book I've just published

four days ago,

"In Trump We Trust: E Pluribus Awesome"...

[ Audience booing ]

"Pause for boos" -- Oh, wait. I wasn't supposed to read that.

[ Laughter ]

...available at fine book stores everywhere.

[ Laughter ]

Woman: Boo!

I know it's pretty shameless, but I'm on a stage

with a guy who made two "Joe Dirt" films,

so how shameless can I be?

[ Light laughter, applause ] Man: Boo!

As a right-wing hatemonger, it's fantastic to be

at a big Hollywood shindig

with all these glittering celebrities

that isn't a fundraiser for Obama.

I'm hoping to persuade you all to vote for Trump,

but most of all, I want you, David, um,

because it would prove the media is lying

when they say they're --

that Trump won't get the vote of a single spade.

[ Laughter ] David is the --

the perfect roastmaster for the show.

He's successful enough that everyone knows who he is

but not so successful that he makes us feel threatened.

He's like the Mike Pence of comedy.

[ Light laughter ]

A lot of people don't realize that David's sister

is famous designer Kate Spade.

Judging by your outfit, David, I gather you're not speaking.

[ Laughter ]

Why is Jeff Ross at every roast?

He thinks he deserves it.

Everybody else just goes along with it.

He's like Hillary Clinton.

[ Light laughter ]

Actually, to be fair, if I could get just one person here

to vote for Trump, it would be you, Ralph.

People would be so surprised.

I'd go up and say, "I got Ralph Macchio.

He's voting for Donald Trump."

And they'd say, "Oh, oh, what a shock.

Ralph is still alive?" [ Light laughter ]

Just kidding. You look totally fantastic.

It's unbelievable, Ralph.

Can you believe this guy's, like, 54?

He looks incredible. Whatever you've been drinking,

you got to send a few cases to Hillary.

[ Laughter ]

We have British comedian Jimmy Carr with us

because of Obama's lax immigration policies.

[ Laughter, applause ]

He's --

I must admit I'm a little uncomfortable

not only with the mean jokes, but the raw sexual commentary

that's so popular at these roasts.

I mean, apparently female comics have to be dirty

to expand their fan base.

Thank God you didn't have to go there, Nikki.

[ Laughter ]

If you've ever asked yourself, "Who do I have to screw

to get a TV show in Hollywood" --

Nikki has the actual list.

[ Chuckles ] [ Laughter ]

I'm honored to share this stage with a patriot,

Rob Riggle.

Thank you for your service.

You were a Marine for over 20 years.

You've seen things... [ Applause ]

no man should have seen,

including "The Daily Show With Trevor Noah."

[ Audience ohhs ] Man: Boo.

Coulter: Peyton Manning, I applaud your conservative convictions.

I know you're a big supporter of Jeb Bush.

That's a political contribution that will pay handsomely.

[ Laughter ]

Jeb got four delegates,

which makes me laugh harder than any of the jokes tonight.

[ Chuckles ]

I once thought Pete Davidson was just like Obama,

a biracial goofball who ruined a once-beloved institution,

but it turns out I was wrong.

Pete's not biracial.

[ Light laughter ]

Ha-ha! Good one!

And now for the man of the hour... [ Laughter ] Ha-ha-ha!

[ Cheers and applause ]

The man of the hour,

the one hour left in his career, Rob Lowe.

I'm a big fan of Rob Lowe's work,

especially, of course, the taped threesome.

To this day, that remains the most authentic performance

I have ever seen

at a Democratic National Convention.

[ Light laughter ]

Rob Lowe was on "The West Wing," where he managed

the impossible task of being the most insufferable part

of an Aaron Sorkin show.

A few years ago, there was talk of Rob Lowe replacing

Charlie Sheen when the government was deciding

who to give AIDS to next.

[ Laughter ]

Rob's last show was called "The Grinder."

Hard to believe that a TV show named after a gay-dating app

wouldn't be a huge hit.

I know some of you are saying I did this only to promote

my book, "In Trump We Trust: E Pluribus Awesome,"

available at bookstores everywhere,

including the Barnes and Noble where Ralph Macchio works.

[ Laughter ]

We all do what we do.

Writer's write. Actors act.

And Rob Lowe -- What does he do?

The truth is, Rob Lowe does a job

that most Americans just won't do --

He plays Rob Lowe.

It's a thankless job, but we are all so grateful

that you do it, Rob.

Thank you. [ Chuckles ]

[ Whistle, applause ]

♪♪

Announcer: Coming up, Rob Lowe strikes back,

but first Roastmaster General Jeff Ross.

I'm ready, baby.

You're going down, mother fucker.

Announcer: Seriously -- Fuck this guy.

Oh, yeah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Now the moment we've all been waiting for...

to be over -- Jeff Ross. [ Laughter ]

My buddy Jeff!

He didn't even want to be here.

He's just still stuck in his chair from the Bieber roast.

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]

Jeff took a shower before he got here.

It's the only way he can get his dick wet these days.

[ Laughter ] No, but, honestly,

the last box he crushed had a Big Mac in it.

[ Laughter ] That was last night.

Get ready for some Roastmaster General anesthesia

with Jeff Ross!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Organ plays ]

[ Guitar strums ]

Dearly beloved...

my roast tonight is dedicated to the late, great Prince,

who's gone, but not forgotten...

[ Cheers and applause ]

as opposed to Rob Lowe, who's forgotten, but not gone.

[ Laughter ]

[ Guitar strums ]

Rob, are you a Prince fan? -Yeah.

That's 'cause you're a sexy mother fucker.

You look like John Stamos' sister.

[ Laughter ]

I'm dressed like a Prince to roast a queen. [Laughs]

[ Laughter ]

Your full name should be "Rob Lowe Testosterone."

[ Laughter ] Rob Lowe.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Guitar strums ]

Or as the girl in the sex tape said, "Rob, no!"

[ Laughter ]

[ Guitar strums ]

Yeah, my hero, Prince, fought for creative freedom.

And I think it's unfair that you have this reputation

for being a diva and a bitch 'cause if you were a man,

they would just say you were strong and assertive.

[ Laughter, guitar strums ]

So, when Comedy Central called me and said,

"Rob Lowe wants to be roasted. Are you in, Roastmaster,"

I said, "I'm with her."

[ Laughter, guitar strums ]

'Cause it's not easy for actresses in their 50s,

but you keep swinging, baby.

Is it true that you're deaf in one ear?

Yeah.

That can be a real problem for you sometimes

'cause you can't hear the girl's parents coming home.

[ Audience ohhs, sour note plays ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Guitar strums ]

Anyway, it's great to be here

at the Comedy Central Roast of white privilege.

[ Laughter, cheers, and applause ]

I know what you're thinking -- "How come there's no black people up here?"

We actually booked two. They're just not here yet.

[ Laughter, guitar strums ]

And of course, my pal David Spade doing

a killer job hosting this show tonight.

Give it up for David.

[ Cheers and applause ] It's all good.

[ Guitar strums ]

He looks like Jane Lynch mid-transition.

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]

Dave, how'd you get here tonight,

a little red corvette?

[ Laughter ]

Congrats to my pal Pete Davidson --

just voted Proactiv's breakout comic of the year.

[ Laughter, applause ]

Pete Davidson is so young,

Rob Lowe tried to fuck him on camera.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, and how fucking cool is it that Peyton Manning is here

fresh off the Super Bowl?

Wow. [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Guitar strums ]

Some people say Tom Brady is the best, but you know what?

I say you're the best, dude.

You took two different teams to the promised land,

and you did it all

with one missing chromosome.

[ Laughter ]

[ Guitar strums ]

I just got Peyton Manning's new book.

It's called "Football Good, Fire Bad."

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Guitar strums ]

And there's darling Nikki, Nikki Glaser.

Glaser? I just met her.

[ Sour note plays ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

Seriously, Nikki, how did a Jewish woman get

a TV show about sex?

What's it called, "Not Now With Nikki Glaser"?

[ Laughter ]

I'm kidding. I know you're not Jewish.

Jews are funny. [ Guitar strums ]

[ Laughter ]

I reckon David Spade invited Jewel here

because he really misses Chris Farley and he heard

she used to live in a van down by by the river!

[ Laughter ]

What can I say, Jewel?

You're the only jewel who gets less valuable with age.

[ Audience groans ]

[ Guitar strums ]

Ann, what happened?

You wrote 11 books,

but you couldn't write a single fucking joke?

[ Cheers and applause, guitar strums ]

-Whoo! -Whoo!

Ann, you have a face that would make doves cry.

[ Laughter ]

[ Sighs ] This is hard for a roast.

How do I roast somebody from hell?

[ Chuckles ] [ Laughter ]

[ Guitar strums ]

Bitch.

[ Laughter, guitar strums ]

Ugh. And that voice.

[ Stammers mockingly ] "Donald Trump."

It's like fingernails on a chalkboard

inside an inner-city school you want to defund.

[ Laughter ]

Don't stare at me with that "roasting" bitch face.

[ Laughter ]

Ann's against gay marriage. What's your thinking on that?

"If I can't get a husband, they shouldn't, either?"

[ Audience ohhs ]

[ Cheers and applause, guitar plays ]

Ralph Macchio, I fucking love you, dude.

You were hilarious tonight. Man, you really were.

It's amazing how "The Karate Kid" prepared you

for the rest of your career --

wax the car, paint the fence, sweep the floor.

[ Laughter ]

You know what, dude? You should change your name to Ralph "Macchiato."

Maybe you could work at Starbucks.

[ Laughs ] [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughs ]

I'm the biggest "Karate Kid" fan ever.

Like your character, I'm also a black belt.

I grew up in Newark, New Jersey.

And I think it's so cool, Ralph, that you named your son, Daniel,

after Daniel-san, your greatest role,

your greatest film.

That would be like Rob Lowe naming his son "Nothing."

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]

The truth is, Rob, roasting you wasn't easy.

I mean, what can I really say about you that hasn't

already been said in court by three nannies, a chef,

and an underage girl from Atlanta?

[ Guitar strums ]

So, from one androgynous legend to another,

I really hope you had fun tonight.

And remember, Rob...

[ Guitar strums ]

we never meant to cause you any sorrow.

[ Guitar strums ]

We never meant to cause you any pain.

[ Guitar strums ]

But why couldn't it have been you that O.D.'d...

[ Guitar strums ]

instead of the guy who wrote "Purple Rain"?

[ Laughter ] Thank you, Rob.

Prince! Roast in purple!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Announcer: Up next, Rob gets the final word...

I'm afraid it's too late to get out of it now.

...when the Roast of Rob Lowe continues.

Rob, you've always been my hero, never more so than tonight.

Love you.

-Love you. -I enjoy you.

I enjoy you.

All: Rob Lowe! Act like you know!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

All right.

It's time we finally hear

from our guest of honor, Rob Lowe.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Rob's secret to keeping his face looking so young --

having over 1,000 women sit on it.

[ Laughter ] [ Chuckles ]

Rob wrote a memoir called

"Stories I Only Tell My Friends."

Chapter 1 -- "The Day I Fucked Your Wife."

[ Laughter ]

You're almost up. Uh...

Despite all the insane jokes you've heard about Rob,

he's actually had a great career, obviously.

Rob has been in some of the most successful movies

of our lifetime --

I'm sorry -- on Lifetime.

[ Laughter ]

We've had a lot of fun with Rob tonight,

and just like his movies,

now he's gonna ruin it by talking.

[ Laughter ]

The truth is, Rob's a great guy.

He's a great family man.

I did "Tommy Boy" with him. I love him.

Please welcome the man of the hour --

And I hope we're still friends -- Rob Lowe.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

[ Sighs heavily ]

We are at a unique moment in our country's history.

Tonight is neither the time

nor the place to sow the seeds of divisiveness.

Words matter.

People matter.

Black lives matter. -Whoo!

-Yeah! -Not enough to have

a black person on the dais, but trust me, they --

they matter. [ Laughter ]

I want to thank Spade for hosting tonight.

He was -- He was amazing.

Love you. Love you. [ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, by the way, um,

"SNL" has just released a compilation

of David's funniest sketches.

It's called "The Best of Chris Farley."

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

You know, when they asked me to choose my dais,

number 18 was number one.

Peyton Manning is a two-time Super Bowl Champion...

[ Cheers and applause ]

and a certain Hall of Famer,

but it didn't give him a big head.

That came from years of inbreeding.

[ Laughter ]

Peyton's here tonight to show Zika babies

it could really be much worse.

[ Audience ohhs ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Waiting for that one.

You know, Rolling Stone has called Jewel

the poet laureate of her generation.

Hey Jewel, I've got a poem.

"Roses are red. Your music sucks."

[ Laughter ]

You suck at poetry, too? Wow!

Jewel has performed for the Pope.

In fact, it's the reason the Pope insists

on always being in a soundproof glass box.

[ Laughter ]

Pete Davidson.

Yeah, good to have you here tonight.

You know...

[ Laughter ]

...as he talks about in his stand-up --

and everywhere else -- he lost his father on 9/11.

Pete, your performance tonight was a fitting tribute

to your dad because it was like watching

a third plane hit the World Trade Center.

[ Audience groans ]

-Hey. -That's awful!

No, really, I actually --

I do think you're going to be the next Adam Sandler.

And I knew it the minute I saw David Spade blowing you

before the show.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ] I like the follow-through, Mr. Lowe.

I made my wife laugh. [Chuckles] What a rarity.

Um...

[ Laughter ]

It's 56 days to Halloween,

but I see that Ann Coulter's already in her skeleton costume.

[ Applause ]

People ask, "Why is Ann Coulter here tonight?"

Answer --

Because the right-to-lifers wanted everyone to see

what an abortion looks like up close.

[ Audience ohhs ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

And, you know, Ann, after seeing your set tonight,

I think we've all witnessed the first bombing

that you can't blame on a Muslim.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Rob Riggle!

Rob, as we learn tonight, is a lieutenant colonel

in the Marines and served in Afghanistan.

By the way, great job on that.

[ Laughter ]

Rob was then going to serve his country further

as a navy pilot, but he decided to drop out

and pursue a career in Hollywood,

like a true American piece of shit.

[ Laughter ]

Jimmy Carr.

Born to Irish Catholic parents, raised Catholic,

Jimmy first knew he was funny at age 9

when he made his priest laugh so hard

that cum shot out of his nose.

[ Laughter ]

True story.

Oh, boy.

Ralphie Macchio,

my old buddy from "The Outsi--" Stay gold.

You know, I never told you how amazing you were

in that scene in the movie

where you're beaten up in the park.

Sadly, that happened to Ralph again just last week.

[ Laughter ]

That's the chance you take

when you sleep in a park every night.

I've been fortunate enough to have been a five-time honoree

in People magazine's "50 Most Beautiful People" --

truly a career highlight.

[ Cheers and applause ]

But it should also be noticed that Jeff Ross is

also a five-time honoree

in Fat Shit magazine's "50 Fattest Shits."

[ Laughter ]

Jeff Ross is also a five-time honoree

in Man Tit magazine's

"50 People Who Can Swallow an Entire Pumpkin."

[ Laughter ]

What are you picking on me for?

Jeff Ross is also a five-time honoree

in Leukemia Face magazine's

"50 People Who Look Like Eskimos

on Round Four of Chemotherapy Treatment."

[ Laughter ]

What did I ever do to you?

[ Laughs ]

Oh, my God, this has been fun.

You know, tonight is the kind of experience

that I am absolutely certain to remember for several days.

[ Laughter ]

And I want to thank everybody

for trying to get under my flawless skin.

But I really do want to thank everyone

for taking the time to be here tonight.

I want to thank my wife of 25 years,

Sheryl Lowe... [ Cheers and applause ]

my sons, Matthew and John Owen.

I hope it wasn't too painful for you.

And I want to thank my fans for all the years of support.

We've been in this relationship a long time,

and it continues to be my honor.

You know, 26 years ago, just before I quit drinking,

I had been nominated for my fourth Golden Globe.

Publicly, it seemed like I was on top of the world,

but privately I had hit rock bottom,

so I got sober.

And that led me to this life

that I'm so grateful to have today.

But as I sat here tonight being constantly reminded

of my shortcomings,

surrounded by this cast of mutants --

I'm sorry, Ann -- racist mutants...

[ Laughter ]

...it hit me.

I didn't hit rock bottom 26 years ago.

I hit rock bottom an hour and a half ago.

How the fuck did I end up here?

[ Cheers and applause ]

You know?

I think it's because I stopped drinking.

Well...

that ends tonight!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Because it's never too late to start making good choices.

Oh, and by the way,

if anybody's got blow, I'll meet you in the bathroom.

I'm looking at you, Peyton Manning.

Thank you! And good night!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Steel Panther's "The Burden Of Being Wonderful" plays ]

♪ The perfect body, the perfect face ♪

♪ It's like God's best work all in one place ♪

♪ But the haters hate perfection ♪

♪ Can't you see?

♪ It's a burden being wonderful like me ♪

♪♪

Jewel, killing it. You did so fucking good.

-You did fabulous in there. -Okay.

I said, "Rob, stick to your day job."

Peyton crushed it.

That's a good night of television.

It was awesome.

Pete Davidson was real funny.

It's over, and now I can have a drink with Rob Riggle.

Cheers.

Ross: That was more fun than people are supposed to have.

I think Rob Lowe had a good time.

I know he did.

I thought I'd be dead. I'm still alive. All right. Nice job.