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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:08,587 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:09,948 --> 00:00:12,117 Keep your eyes open. 3 00:00:14,369 --> 00:00:16,580 All right, guys, what do we got? 4 00:00:16,622 --> 00:00:17,914 It's quiet out there. 5 00:00:17,956 --> 00:00:19,458 Stand by. 6 00:00:20,709 --> 00:00:23,545 Yeah, we, uh, we better be ready. 7 00:00:23,587 --> 00:00:25,004 Yeah, I'm a man. 8 00:00:25,046 --> 00:00:27,299 Don't make it look like makeup. 9 00:00:28,389 --> 00:00:30,099 Car. 10 00:00:30,141 --> 00:00:31,726 Car. 11 00:00:31,768 --> 00:00:34,312 Is that guy one of ours? 12 00:00:34,354 --> 00:00:37,148 Look at the license plate. 13 00:00:37,190 --> 00:00:40,026 Looks like we got ourselves an anus tart. 14 00:00:40,067 --> 00:00:43,780 Tobias Funke was on his way to reconnect 15 00:00:43,822 --> 00:00:45,699 with a daughter he'd lost touch with. 16 00:00:45,740 --> 00:00:46,700 Hey, there. 17 00:00:46,741 --> 00:00:48,326 It's Big Daddy. 18 00:00:48,368 --> 00:00:51,454 I thought I'd try to call you before I surprised you. 19 00:00:51,496 --> 00:00:54,749 Things are... really looking up, and... 20 00:00:55,709 --> 00:00:57,168 Hello? Oh, damn it. 21 00:00:57,210 --> 00:00:59,253 What Sudden Valley does to these cell phones. 22 00:00:59,295 --> 00:01:00,380 Oops. 23 00:01:00,421 --> 00:01:02,215 Unbeknownst to Tobias, however, 24 00:01:02,256 --> 00:01:05,009 the Sudden Valley home he was on his way to visit... 25 00:01:05,051 --> 00:01:06,927 Anus tart is turning on Tracey Lane. 26 00:01:06,969 --> 00:01:09,389 ...had been rented out to a television crew. 27 00:01:09,430 --> 00:01:10,473 He's creeping up George Michael. 28 00:01:10,515 --> 00:01:11,891 All right, guys, let's entrap 29 00:01:11,932 --> 00:01:13,309 a local predator. 30 00:01:13,351 --> 00:01:14,728 Come on. Lowlife. 31 00:01:14,769 --> 00:01:16,813 We got to put this piece of (bleep)... 32 00:01:16,855 --> 00:01:18,255 Who, what, when, where, why and how. 33 00:01:18,272 --> 00:01:19,607 Who, what, where, when, why and how. 34 00:01:19,649 --> 00:01:22,276 Who, what, when, where, why and how. 35 00:01:24,028 --> 00:01:25,946 Anus tart is approaching the portico. 36 00:01:25,988 --> 00:01:28,742 Yes, Tobias was finally about to get 37 00:01:28,783 --> 00:01:31,745 a starring role on a hit TV show. 38 00:01:31,786 --> 00:01:35,122 Is there a little girl here all by herself? 39 00:01:35,164 --> 00:01:37,124 And now the story of the awful people 40 00:01:37,166 --> 00:01:39,544 who are about to lose everything, and the one newsman 41 00:01:39,586 --> 00:01:42,088 who had no choice but to entrap them all together. 42 00:01:42,129 --> 00:01:46,092 It's John Beard's To Entrap a Local Predator, "Supercreeps." 43 00:01:46,133 --> 00:01:48,177 Now the story of a family 44 00:01:48,219 --> 00:01:51,431 whose future was abruptly cancelled, 45 00:01:51,472 --> 00:01:53,391 and the one son-in-law who had no choice 46 00:01:53,433 --> 00:01:54,934 but to keep himself together. 47 00:01:58,157 --> 00:02:01,315 It's Tobias's Arrested Development. 48 00:02:04,652 --> 00:02:09,407 Five years before Tobias was to appear on John Beard's TV show, 49 00:02:09,449 --> 00:02:11,743 his acting career was as washed up... 50 00:02:11,785 --> 00:02:13,745 - None taken. - ...as his family... 51 00:02:13,787 --> 00:02:15,455 You are soaked to the bone. 52 00:02:15,496 --> 00:02:17,957 ...and those men he was touching for some reason. 53 00:02:17,998 --> 00:02:19,834 And his wife challenged him 54 00:02:19,876 --> 00:02:22,420 to reexamine the other parts of his life as well. 55 00:02:22,462 --> 00:02:24,130 There's nothing keeping us together. 56 00:02:24,171 --> 00:02:27,091 It's time to give up our dreams if they're not working. 57 00:02:27,133 --> 00:02:28,885 You know, your acting career, 58 00:02:28,927 --> 00:02:31,512 this marriage that everyone thinks is a sham 59 00:02:31,554 --> 00:02:32,639 because you're gay. 60 00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,307 I-I'm sorry. 61 00:02:34,348 --> 00:02:37,518 Everyone thinks I'm gay? 62 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:41,940 Well, I mean, it's kind of a running joke in the family. 63 00:02:41,981 --> 00:02:44,776 I mean, y-you know that, right? 64 00:02:44,818 --> 00:02:47,069 'Cause of the misleading way you talk sometimes. 65 00:02:47,111 --> 00:02:50,364 Oh, you're saying the way I talk makes me sound gay? 66 00:02:50,406 --> 00:02:51,658 When in the last year 67 00:02:51,699 --> 00:02:54,243 have I said anything remotely mis... 68 00:02:54,285 --> 00:02:56,995 ♪ It's just a fallacy! ♪ 69 00:02:57,037 --> 00:02:59,874 ...leading? Is this because I want to be an actor, 70 00:02:59,916 --> 00:03:01,584 and all the leading men in Hollywood are gay? 71 00:03:01,626 --> 00:03:03,419 I don't think that all the leading men 72 00:03:03,461 --> 00:03:04,504 in Hollywood are gay. 73 00:03:04,545 --> 00:03:06,046 Oh, honey. 74 00:03:06,088 --> 00:03:08,758 Look, we're chasing things that aren't real. 75 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:11,511 Maybe we need to go out there and find out 76 00:03:11,552 --> 00:03:13,095 what we're meant to do. 77 00:03:13,137 --> 00:03:16,599 His wife was giving him the cold shoulder. 78 00:03:16,641 --> 00:03:18,225 And after kissing it good-bye, 79 00:03:18,267 --> 00:03:22,146 he sat with her family, feeling lost... 80 00:03:22,188 --> 00:03:25,023 Well, you look like I feel. 81 00:03:25,065 --> 00:03:26,943 ...and very misunderstood. 82 00:03:26,985 --> 00:03:28,361 Gay? 83 00:03:28,402 --> 00:03:30,446 No, I... 84 00:03:30,488 --> 00:03:31,865 No. 85 00:03:31,906 --> 00:03:34,492 Tobias knew it was time to find out 86 00:03:34,534 --> 00:03:35,734 what he was truly meant to do. 87 00:03:35,743 --> 00:03:37,829 So when he came across a book 88 00:03:37,871 --> 00:03:40,080 the universe had placed in his path, 89 00:03:40,122 --> 00:03:41,415 he was open to its inspiration. 90 00:03:41,457 --> 00:03:43,543 Oh, they're still reading, but... 91 00:03:43,584 --> 00:03:45,795 well, I guess I can leave them some love. 92 00:03:45,837 --> 00:03:47,839 So he just took "eat" and "pray." 93 00:03:49,841 --> 00:03:51,425 "Eat" was easy, 94 00:03:51,467 --> 00:03:54,804 although it provided no cosmic answers for him. 95 00:03:54,846 --> 00:03:58,016 But it was the part about India that really got to him. 96 00:03:58,057 --> 00:04:00,518 And so, like the heroine of Eat, Pray, 97 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:02,436 - Tobias decided - Wait a minute. 98 00:04:02,478 --> 00:04:05,565 to get as far away from his wife as possible. 99 00:04:07,149 --> 00:04:12,196 And so Tobias found himself booking passage to India. 100 00:04:12,238 --> 00:04:14,991 And soon, he discovered his wife was also 101 00:04:15,033 --> 00:04:16,951 preparing to go somewhere... 102 00:04:16,993 --> 00:04:18,912 - I think you have my suitcase. - ...far away. 103 00:04:18,953 --> 00:04:20,914 I'm so sorry, Tobias. 104 00:04:20,955 --> 00:04:22,248 Look, I've already packed. 105 00:04:22,289 --> 00:04:23,249 Can I just use this one? 106 00:04:23,290 --> 00:04:25,084 Oh, what the heck. 107 00:04:25,125 --> 00:04:28,379 I guess having matching luggage isn't so romantic anymore. 108 00:04:28,421 --> 00:04:30,048 And these romantic gestures are 109 00:04:30,089 --> 00:04:32,717 possibly why people think I'm a homosexual. 110 00:04:32,759 --> 00:04:36,512 Well, it's time to correct old misconceptions. 111 00:04:36,554 --> 00:04:38,932 And that is why I'm making a new start. 112 00:04:38,973 --> 00:04:41,350 Oh, a new start. 113 00:04:41,392 --> 00:04:43,895 Filled with compassion and love. 114 00:04:43,937 --> 00:04:45,271 I like that. 115 00:04:45,312 --> 00:04:46,689 Well, I've already got the license plate, 116 00:04:46,731 --> 00:04:47,815 so go cry in your pie! 117 00:04:47,857 --> 00:04:50,026 And so Tobias, hoping to 118 00:04:50,068 --> 00:04:54,154 "straighten out" his image, set out on a new start, 119 00:04:54,196 --> 00:04:57,491 beginning with a trip to the airport in an outfit 120 00:04:57,533 --> 00:04:59,786 he pretty much put together himself. 121 00:04:59,827 --> 00:05:01,495 Well, I guess this is why 122 00:05:01,537 --> 00:05:02,956 you never see them driving convertibles. 123 00:05:02,997 --> 00:05:04,457 I'll have to check on that one. 124 00:05:04,498 --> 00:05:06,542 But it certainly wasn't embraced... 125 00:05:06,584 --> 00:05:07,919 Stay in your lane, anus tart! 126 00:05:07,961 --> 00:05:09,295 (bleep) anus tart! 127 00:05:09,336 --> 00:05:10,713 ...by the local Indian community. 128 00:05:10,755 --> 00:05:12,131 You have the true sense of the oneness of all. 129 00:05:12,172 --> 00:05:14,759 And his quest hit a bump early on, 130 00:05:14,801 --> 00:05:18,012 as he struggled to learn the customs and gestures of 131 00:05:18,054 --> 00:05:20,014 - the culture he hoped to adopt. - Oh, goddamn it! 132 00:05:20,056 --> 00:05:23,101 Am I the only one who still dresses to fly? 133 00:05:23,142 --> 00:05:25,352 Well, there we go. 134 00:05:25,394 --> 00:05:26,729 India clean. 135 00:05:28,188 --> 00:05:29,774 Now, how did I... 136 00:05:29,816 --> 00:05:31,067 No. No. 137 00:05:31,109 --> 00:05:33,402 Unfortunately, recreating the look 138 00:05:33,444 --> 00:05:35,237 - of the traditional Indian garb - Are you finished? Oh. 139 00:05:35,279 --> 00:05:36,906 turned out to be more difficult... 140 00:05:36,948 --> 00:05:38,828 I look like one of those hot guys from Spartacus. 141 00:05:38,866 --> 00:05:42,036 ...without the aid of Pradeep, the helpful Indian salesman... 142 00:05:42,078 --> 00:05:44,246 I feel like there was less up top. 143 00:05:44,288 --> 00:05:47,207 ...at Bed, Bath & Beyond, who helped him learn how to tie it. 144 00:05:47,249 --> 00:05:48,709 Ah, got it, okay. 145 00:05:52,046 --> 00:05:53,589 Yes, I actually like this better. 146 00:05:53,631 --> 00:05:55,091 Yes? 147 00:05:57,510 --> 00:05:58,886 Canadian? 148 00:05:58,928 --> 00:06:00,554 No, I'm American. 149 00:06:00,596 --> 00:06:02,682 Oh, yeah. I'm Canadian. 150 00:06:02,723 --> 00:06:04,058 Oh. Sorry. 151 00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:05,977 But because it was a long flight, 152 00:06:06,019 --> 00:06:08,688 he figured he'd wait a beat on finding his true calling 153 00:06:08,729 --> 00:06:10,648 and watch something to take his mind off Lindsay... 154 00:06:10,690 --> 00:06:13,067 How could they not have Failure to Launch? 155 00:06:13,109 --> 00:06:15,193 ...who he knew was far away at the time. 156 00:06:15,235 --> 00:06:16,696 Goddamn it. 157 00:06:17,905 --> 00:06:19,365 And after taking 158 00:06:19,406 --> 00:06:20,950 the wrong bag at the airport... 159 00:06:20,992 --> 00:06:22,576 Do not leave any goats unattended. 160 00:06:22,618 --> 00:06:25,997 All unattended goats will be confiscated. 161 00:06:26,039 --> 00:06:28,374 ...Tobias finally arrived... 162 00:06:28,415 --> 00:06:31,002 And so Tobias Funke embarked on a-- 163 00:06:31,044 --> 00:06:34,714 Oh, dear, Lord, it's... hot! 164 00:06:34,755 --> 00:06:37,633 ...in India, yes, where he was very uncomfortable. 165 00:06:37,675 --> 00:06:39,927 Not only because the wind whipped up 166 00:06:39,969 --> 00:06:42,138 his queen-sized fitted mini-sarong, 167 00:06:42,180 --> 00:06:44,974 but because he looked the wrong direction 168 00:06:45,016 --> 00:06:46,216 when stepping into the street. 169 00:06:47,476 --> 00:06:49,520 And so Tobias experienced India 170 00:06:49,562 --> 00:06:51,522 from the inside of a hospital room, 171 00:06:51,564 --> 00:06:53,024 where the staff was being trained... 172 00:06:53,066 --> 00:06:54,984 This man here broke his skull in two places. 173 00:06:55,026 --> 00:06:57,277 ...by the same doctor he'd had in America. 174 00:06:57,319 --> 00:06:59,446 Once outside the airport and once in the elevator 175 00:06:59,488 --> 00:07:02,240 when his sheet got caught and he was pulled off his gurney. 176 00:07:02,282 --> 00:07:03,409 Literally. 177 00:07:03,450 --> 00:07:04,730 Two places indeed. 178 00:07:04,744 --> 00:07:06,328 This is very funny. 179 00:07:06,370 --> 00:07:08,122 It's like that new show we just caught, Laugh-In. 180 00:07:08,164 --> 00:07:09,456 My name is... 181 00:07:09,498 --> 00:07:11,084 Oh! 182 00:07:11,125 --> 00:07:14,420 Now I've broken my skull in a third place! 183 00:07:14,461 --> 00:07:17,090 On this elephant guy statue! 184 00:07:17,131 --> 00:07:19,800 Tobias had wanted the universe to provide him a sign. 185 00:07:19,842 --> 00:07:21,552 You should be a comedy actor. 186 00:07:21,594 --> 00:07:23,721 And finally it had. 187 00:07:23,763 --> 00:07:25,765 This is the sign I've been... 188 00:07:25,806 --> 00:07:27,975 Looking for. 189 00:07:28,017 --> 00:07:29,894 And after two more weeks in the hospital, 190 00:07:29,936 --> 00:07:32,105 it was time for his flight home. 191 00:07:32,146 --> 00:07:34,023 And that's when he got another sign. 192 00:07:36,025 --> 00:07:38,569 A call from Lindsay. 193 00:07:38,611 --> 00:07:40,362 Although he wouldn't be able to reach the phone for hours... 194 00:07:40,404 --> 00:07:42,073 I'm ready to make this work. 195 00:07:42,115 --> 00:07:44,408 ...due to his already weakened spine. 196 00:07:48,121 --> 00:07:49,622 Tobias and Lindsay 197 00:07:49,663 --> 00:07:51,498 shared the news of their new start 198 00:07:51,540 --> 00:07:52,917 at a family gathering. 199 00:07:52,959 --> 00:07:54,585 I got the part. 200 00:07:54,627 --> 00:07:56,796 You know, it's funny, for I, too, find that 201 00:07:56,837 --> 00:07:58,214 I am on a journey. 202 00:07:58,256 --> 00:07:59,548 Although, as we discovered 203 00:07:59,590 --> 00:08:01,467 when our MasterCard bill came back, 204 00:08:01,508 --> 00:08:03,052 it was the same one she took. 205 00:08:03,094 --> 00:08:04,887 But mine has confirmed that I should 206 00:08:04,929 --> 00:08:07,306 redouble my efforts to achieve 207 00:08:07,347 --> 00:08:11,269 the unachievable dream of being an actor. 208 00:08:11,310 --> 00:08:14,105 A journey that has left me eager 209 00:08:14,147 --> 00:08:17,775 to connect with my true love. 210 00:08:17,817 --> 00:08:20,027 Particularly if she finds her... 211 00:08:20,069 --> 00:08:22,780 way clear to covering a 2, 000-rupee 212 00:08:22,822 --> 00:08:25,950 City of Hopelessness hospital debt. 213 00:08:25,992 --> 00:08:28,119 The trick is going to be getting anyone to believe 214 00:08:28,161 --> 00:08:29,411 that her husband is straight enough 215 00:08:29,453 --> 00:08:31,330 to have a true love that's a woman. 216 00:08:31,371 --> 00:08:33,082 What are you implying? 217 00:08:33,124 --> 00:08:35,126 Oh, I don't think there was any implying going on at all. 218 00:08:35,168 --> 00:08:36,335 Didn't hear any implying. 219 00:08:36,376 --> 00:08:37,544 I wasn't implying. 220 00:08:37,586 --> 00:08:38,921 I'm sorry, Mother. 221 00:08:38,963 --> 00:08:40,506 It's just, I've got a bit of a stick 222 00:08:40,547 --> 00:08:42,008 up my "bunghole" about what I've now found 223 00:08:42,049 --> 00:08:43,467 is a running joke about me. 224 00:08:43,509 --> 00:08:45,303 But let's be honest. 225 00:08:45,344 --> 00:08:48,931 For 2, 000 rupees, we'd both go down on Matthew McConaughey. 226 00:08:48,973 --> 00:08:50,808 Yes, Michael? 227 00:08:50,850 --> 00:08:52,852 At the time of this family meeting, 228 00:08:52,893 --> 00:08:54,061 2, 000 rupees was $36. 229 00:08:54,103 --> 00:08:56,022 I wouldn't. 230 00:08:56,063 --> 00:08:58,107 Of course you wouldn't, Michael. 231 00:08:58,149 --> 00:09:00,109 You never accept help from anyone. 232 00:09:00,151 --> 00:09:02,402 And hoping to do things differently this time, 233 00:09:02,444 --> 00:09:05,281 Lindsay immediately started spending money she didn't have. 234 00:09:05,323 --> 00:09:06,907 Are you ready to make a move? 235 00:09:06,949 --> 00:09:11,537 As you can see, I'm ready for a lot that's new. 236 00:09:11,578 --> 00:09:13,039 Oh, good heavens. 237 00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,041 While Tobias pursued 238 00:09:15,082 --> 00:09:17,043 the life of a professional actor. 239 00:09:17,084 --> 00:09:19,086 Listen, I'm an actor, you're an agent. 240 00:09:19,128 --> 00:09:20,213 You do the math. 241 00:09:20,254 --> 00:09:21,714 I want you to represent me. 242 00:09:21,755 --> 00:09:23,924 In other words, you do the math-- 243 00:09:23,966 --> 00:09:25,343 the money, the negotiating. 244 00:09:25,384 --> 00:09:27,427 You know I'm not that kind of agent, right? 245 00:09:27,469 --> 00:09:29,055 I'm a real estate agent. 246 00:09:29,096 --> 00:09:31,807 I'm a predator; I sell giant houses to very poor people 247 00:09:31,849 --> 00:09:33,559 who can't afford them with predatory loans. 248 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,519 No, see, that's the money stuff I don't understand. 249 00:09:35,561 --> 00:09:37,437 All you need to do is tell people 250 00:09:37,479 --> 00:09:39,523 what a terrific actor I am, 'cause I can't do it believably. 251 00:09:39,565 --> 00:09:40,900 What do you say? 252 00:09:40,941 --> 00:09:42,651 Sounds like it shouldn't be too much work. 253 00:09:42,693 --> 00:09:43,819 Huzzah! 254 00:09:43,861 --> 00:09:45,071 Okay, here's the number 255 00:09:45,112 --> 00:09:47,114 of my current agent Mike Matthews. 256 00:09:47,156 --> 00:09:50,201 He's at Allstate. Fire him. 257 00:09:50,243 --> 00:09:54,205 Tobias started seeing positive career signs everywhere... 258 00:09:54,247 --> 00:09:55,622 ...decorating my quarters. 259 00:09:55,664 --> 00:09:59,085 ...he chose to put them. 260 00:09:59,126 --> 00:10:00,920 And at his new agent's suggestion... 261 00:10:00,961 --> 00:10:02,838 Hi. I'm after pending. 262 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,465 ...he even snuck on to a studio lot to hand out head shots 263 00:10:05,507 --> 00:10:08,719 to extras and other show business insiders. 264 00:10:08,761 --> 00:10:10,388 Taft-Hartley pending. 265 00:10:10,429 --> 00:10:12,139 Things were looking up for the Funkes. 266 00:10:12,181 --> 00:10:14,516 They even celebrated their first 267 00:10:14,558 --> 00:10:16,769 - home-cooked Thanksgiving. - Including duck l'orange. 268 00:10:16,810 --> 00:10:18,062 Oh! 269 00:10:18,104 --> 00:10:19,980 Oh, no! 270 00:10:20,022 --> 00:10:22,316 Lindsay! Lindsay, get the scooper! 271 00:10:22,358 --> 00:10:23,692 Throw oranges at it. 272 00:10:23,734 --> 00:10:25,652 Hot orange! Hot orange. 273 00:10:25,694 --> 00:10:26,946 All right... 274 00:10:26,987 --> 00:10:28,572 It's throwing its voice! 275 00:10:28,614 --> 00:10:30,157 - Oh! - Lindsay! 276 00:10:31,325 --> 00:10:33,411 And so they went 277 00:10:33,452 --> 00:10:36,163 to the Fountain Valley China Garden instead. 278 00:10:36,205 --> 00:10:39,375 And if the collapse of the housing market, 279 00:10:39,417 --> 00:10:41,835 - his lack of auditions... - Tobias Funke. 280 00:10:41,877 --> 00:10:43,796 or even the writers' strike 281 00:10:43,837 --> 00:10:45,881 couldn't deter Tobias from his dream, 282 00:10:45,923 --> 00:10:47,841 the suicide of his ruined 283 00:10:47,883 --> 00:10:49,843 and despondent agent certainly could. 284 00:10:49,885 --> 00:10:54,140 I believe he died as a warning, in a way, his message perhaps 285 00:10:54,181 --> 00:10:56,183 to live within our means 286 00:10:56,225 --> 00:10:59,019 and be realistic about our lives. 287 00:10:59,061 --> 00:11:00,604 And yet it didn't. 288 00:11:00,646 --> 00:11:03,065 Well, then I shall redouble my efforts 289 00:11:03,107 --> 00:11:05,943 so that he died in vain. 290 00:11:08,321 --> 00:11:10,030 Meaning he will have led a pointless life, 291 00:11:10,072 --> 00:11:11,157 is what I mean. 292 00:11:11,198 --> 00:11:12,450 Yes, carry on. Thank you. 293 00:11:12,490 --> 00:11:13,867 And he soon found himself 294 00:11:13,909 --> 00:11:17,288 bringing his wife to an acting class 295 00:11:17,330 --> 00:11:19,915 in an effort to jump-start his career and marriage. 296 00:11:19,957 --> 00:11:21,792 If everyone's good, you'll get your juice. 297 00:11:21,834 --> 00:11:24,337 What did you say the name of this acting class was again? 298 00:11:24,378 --> 00:11:25,838 Method One Clinic. 299 00:11:25,879 --> 00:11:27,399 Okay, I'm gonna go get coffee. 300 00:11:27,423 --> 00:11:30,550 Garden Grove Method One Clinic. 301 00:11:30,592 --> 00:11:32,428 And Tobias found himself captivated 302 00:11:32,470 --> 00:11:34,096 by one of the monologues. 303 00:11:34,138 --> 00:11:36,807 And I made it in that movie, the Fantastic Four, 304 00:11:36,849 --> 00:11:39,685 uh, but it wasn't fantastic for me. 305 00:11:39,726 --> 00:11:41,645 Uh, I got carried away. 306 00:11:41,687 --> 00:11:44,231 And I'm like, "This (bleep) is (bleep) up, 307 00:11:44,273 --> 00:11:46,692 "and I've got to get my (bleep) together 308 00:11:46,733 --> 00:11:48,819 or I'm gonna be (bleep), too." 309 00:11:48,861 --> 00:11:51,322 Anyways, now I'm sober, and I'm trying. 310 00:11:51,364 --> 00:11:53,199 It's... super hard. 311 00:11:54,741 --> 00:11:56,243 Thank you. Thank you. 312 00:11:56,285 --> 00:11:58,536 It was a devastating and personal story. 313 00:11:58,578 --> 00:12:00,247 Okay, notes: 314 00:12:00,289 --> 00:12:02,416 um, first of all, it seemed you were slurring a bit there, 315 00:12:02,458 --> 00:12:04,918 and I just think you'd have so much more fun 316 00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,420 punching those... those words. 317 00:12:06,462 --> 00:12:07,838 Get it out there. 318 00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:10,548 "This (bleep) is (bleep) up, sir." 319 00:12:10,590 --> 00:12:12,550 I'm-I'm sorry. I'm not familiar with the piece, so... 320 00:12:12,592 --> 00:12:14,470 No, no, that's it. 321 00:12:14,512 --> 00:12:18,224 But I am familiar with your work in the Fantastic Four, however. 322 00:12:18,265 --> 00:12:20,142 - You've seen that? - Of course I have. 323 00:12:20,184 --> 00:12:22,269 20 years earlier, DeBrie Bardeaux 324 00:12:22,311 --> 00:12:24,480 had played Sue Storm in the low-budget version 325 00:12:24,522 --> 00:12:27,525 of the Fantastic Four, produced by Imagine Entertainment, 326 00:12:27,565 --> 00:12:29,527 when, during Imagine's Christmas party, 327 00:12:29,567 --> 00:12:32,488 a drunk lawyer reminded them they'd lose the rights 328 00:12:32,530 --> 00:12:35,741 if they didn't make the film in the next six days. 329 00:12:35,782 --> 00:12:40,413 After a two-hour search, they found their entire cast. 330 00:12:40,454 --> 00:12:43,541 They also proved useful six days later at the wrap party. 331 00:12:43,581 --> 00:12:46,584 I almost never get recognized as the Invisible Girl. 332 00:12:46,626 --> 00:12:48,254 I can't believe you saw me. 333 00:12:48,295 --> 00:12:51,048 Well, I-I thought it was "fantastic." 334 00:12:51,090 --> 00:12:53,133 Actually, most of the performance 335 00:12:53,175 --> 00:12:54,718 that had so captivated Tobias... 336 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:56,512 Hey, maybe she came into this Light Bulbs Unlimited. 337 00:12:56,554 --> 00:12:58,180 She was here a minute ago. 338 00:12:58,222 --> 00:13:00,266 ...was performed by a fishing line. 339 00:13:00,307 --> 00:13:02,518 This is the gayest Starbucks ever! 340 00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:04,562 Did his fishing line break, too? 341 00:13:04,602 --> 00:13:07,022 Well, my acting career is over. 342 00:13:07,064 --> 00:13:10,317 Oh, don't say that. You've got to say, "Keep the dream alive." 343 00:13:10,359 --> 00:13:11,735 That's what helps me. 344 00:13:11,777 --> 00:13:13,611 Well, this is what's helping me. 345 00:13:13,653 --> 00:13:15,739 - Oh. - It's really good. 346 00:13:15,781 --> 00:13:17,783 Carl Weathers used to give us grape juice. 347 00:13:17,824 --> 00:13:20,244 But then he'd add five dollars to our credit card. 348 00:13:20,286 --> 00:13:22,620 Well, here is to our acting addiction. 349 00:13:22,662 --> 00:13:23,621 Yep. 350 00:13:23,663 --> 00:13:25,665 May we never be cured. 351 00:13:25,707 --> 00:13:27,960 Are you crying? Oh, I'm crying. 352 00:13:28,001 --> 00:13:30,670 Oh, it's a nosebleed. 353 00:13:32,256 --> 00:13:34,467 Oh, thank you so much. 354 00:13:34,508 --> 00:13:36,594 Tobias had found a friend. 355 00:13:36,634 --> 00:13:38,137 - You're neat! - You're neat. 356 00:13:38,178 --> 00:13:39,555 You're neat. 357 00:13:39,597 --> 00:13:41,056 You're neat. 358 00:13:43,850 --> 00:13:45,727 And after a not-very-cute meet-cute, 359 00:13:45,769 --> 00:13:48,272 Tobias continued to find DeBrie's behavior delightful, 360 00:13:48,314 --> 00:13:50,274 even when the methadone made her think 361 00:13:50,316 --> 00:13:53,277 she was a piece of toast. 362 00:13:53,319 --> 00:13:55,279 There, now I can see 363 00:13:55,321 --> 00:13:58,240 a pretty face under all that butter substitute. 364 00:13:58,282 --> 00:14:00,326 And I recognize you from somewhere, 365 00:14:00,367 --> 00:14:04,037 but it's not the Fantastic Four; it's from somewhere else. 366 00:14:04,079 --> 00:14:06,499 I've done some things I'm not proud of. 367 00:14:06,540 --> 00:14:08,083 Episodics? Been there. 368 00:14:08,125 --> 00:14:11,044 It wasn't episodic. 369 00:14:11,086 --> 00:14:12,588 She had been in a series 370 00:14:12,630 --> 00:14:14,047 of soft-core porn movies about women 371 00:14:14,089 --> 00:14:15,882 leading straight men into gay sex, 372 00:14:15,924 --> 00:14:18,135 - called Straight Bait. - This is my brother. He's gay. 373 00:14:18,177 --> 00:14:19,719 If you want to have sex with me, 374 00:14:19,761 --> 00:14:21,763 then you've got to have sex with him first. 375 00:14:21,805 --> 00:14:25,142 And if you don't want to have sex with her, you must be gay. 376 00:14:25,184 --> 00:14:27,353 I'll show you how not gay I am. 377 00:14:30,272 --> 00:14:32,316 She did six of these movies, 378 00:14:32,358 --> 00:14:35,277 and after lunch, did three more. 379 00:14:35,319 --> 00:14:37,029 It's nice to be recognized though. 380 00:14:37,070 --> 00:14:38,822 Marky Bark-- sometimes he doesn't know 381 00:14:38,864 --> 00:14:40,907 when I'm in the same room. 382 00:14:40,949 --> 00:14:42,284 And sometimes it feels like 383 00:14:42,326 --> 00:14:43,846 it's not the face blindness, you know? 384 00:14:43,869 --> 00:14:45,829 It's the same with me and Lindsay. 385 00:14:45,871 --> 00:14:48,207 I know she's trying, but she doesn't believe 386 00:14:48,248 --> 00:14:50,209 in my acting career. 387 00:14:50,250 --> 00:14:52,961 Maybe she's right. I've yet to make more money as an actor 388 00:14:53,003 --> 00:14:55,005 than I ever did as a doctor. 389 00:14:55,047 --> 00:14:56,840 And that's with Country-Wide behind me. 390 00:14:56,882 --> 00:14:59,051 You're... wait, you're a doctor? You can write scripts? 391 00:14:59,092 --> 00:15:01,011 Well, I like to think so. 392 00:15:01,053 --> 00:15:04,390 You should never give up a dream if you can write scripts. 393 00:15:04,431 --> 00:15:07,393 You seem like you'd be a good doctor/actor. 394 00:15:07,434 --> 00:15:09,728 It was the first positive reinforcement 395 00:15:09,769 --> 00:15:11,855 Tobias had had since India. 396 00:15:11,897 --> 00:15:15,484 You remind me of Billy Crystal... Mmm, mmm! 397 00:15:15,526 --> 00:15:18,195 It would have broken Tobias's heart if he knew 398 00:15:18,237 --> 00:15:20,364 she was about to say "Billy Crystal Meth," 399 00:15:20,406 --> 00:15:21,823 a funny drug dealer. 400 00:15:21,865 --> 00:15:25,369 Uh, I... got a bit carried away 401 00:15:25,411 --> 00:15:27,663 when you compared me to Billy Crystal. 402 00:15:27,705 --> 00:15:30,207 You remind me of Billy Crystal... 403 00:15:30,249 --> 00:15:33,793 Once again, she was going to say "Billy Crystal Meth." 404 00:15:33,835 --> 00:15:36,547 I'm sorry, but, DeBrie, I-I've never met anyone 405 00:15:36,589 --> 00:15:38,424 who understands me like you do. 406 00:15:38,465 --> 00:15:40,634 - Or at all. - Maybe, with someone like you, 407 00:15:40,676 --> 00:15:42,302 I could have a new start. 408 00:15:42,344 --> 00:15:45,764 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 409 00:15:45,805 --> 00:15:49,476 Did you see my license plate-- "A-N-U-S-T-A-R-T"? 410 00:15:49,518 --> 00:15:52,062 Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 411 00:15:52,104 --> 00:15:55,815 Did you see my Straight Bait movie of the same name? 412 00:15:55,857 --> 00:15:58,193 Coincidence. 413 00:15:58,235 --> 00:15:59,737 We should be together. 414 00:15:59,778 --> 00:16:01,154 We should run away. 415 00:16:02,615 --> 00:16:03,865 Oh, my gosh. 416 00:16:03,907 --> 00:16:05,534 Well, this is happening so fast. 417 00:16:05,576 --> 00:16:07,119 Well, what do I do about Lindsay? 418 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,913 I mean, can I just improv my way out of a marriage? 419 00:16:10,956 --> 00:16:14,501 Yes, and... let's do this. 420 00:16:14,543 --> 00:16:15,586 Blackout. 421 00:16:15,628 --> 00:16:17,254 Unaware that a similar 422 00:16:17,296 --> 00:16:19,798 off-menu swap had just occurred at Swappigans, 423 00:16:19,839 --> 00:16:21,383 Tobias broke the news 424 00:16:21,425 --> 00:16:23,761 that he was leaving Lindsay in a phone call. 425 00:16:23,802 --> 00:16:25,262 ...for I have met someone. 426 00:16:25,304 --> 00:16:26,888 It's not important who it is. 427 00:16:26,930 --> 00:16:28,474 It's Sue Storm. 428 00:16:28,515 --> 00:16:30,643 I'm so sorry, but DeBrie believes in me, 429 00:16:30,684 --> 00:16:32,603 and she stopped my heart, too. 430 00:16:32,645 --> 00:16:35,689 If you're wondering what "too" referred to, it was this: 431 00:16:35,731 --> 00:16:37,023 Let's do this. 432 00:16:37,065 --> 00:16:38,525 Blackout. 433 00:16:38,567 --> 00:16:40,736 And scene, as they say. 434 00:16:40,778 --> 00:16:42,139 Her heart stopped! She-She's dying! 435 00:16:42,154 --> 00:16:44,615 Please, someone! She had too much butter! 436 00:16:44,657 --> 00:16:46,116 - She's a very famous actress! - Someone say "butter" out here? 437 00:16:46,158 --> 00:16:47,867 Oh, my God, that's a butter face. 438 00:16:47,909 --> 00:16:50,162 - How much butter did the patient have? - I don't know. 439 00:16:50,203 --> 00:16:51,997 - A Star Trek chess set's worth. - Damn it, that Swappigans 440 00:16:52,038 --> 00:16:54,458 puts more people in this hospital. Make way, people! 441 00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:55,709 We got a 61-year-old male 442 00:16:55,751 --> 00:16:57,169 in full cardiac arrest coming through. 443 00:16:57,210 --> 00:16:58,420 You have to wait outside, sir. 444 00:16:58,462 --> 00:16:59,713 Be careful of her face! 445 00:16:59,755 --> 00:17:01,507 She's an actress! 446 00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:04,843 It's worth noting that Tobias 447 00:17:04,884 --> 00:17:07,179 had heard this hospital in Orange County 448 00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:09,765 was a favorite of show business big shots 449 00:17:09,807 --> 00:17:11,266 seeking plastic surgery. 450 00:17:11,308 --> 00:17:13,393 We're both actors! 451 00:17:18,565 --> 00:17:20,526 On the day of Lucille's trial, 452 00:17:20,567 --> 00:17:22,820 Tobias was in a hospital with a woman 453 00:17:22,861 --> 00:17:25,531 he'd both fallen for and had rushed into an ICU. 454 00:17:25,572 --> 00:17:28,283 See? Makeup makes everyone feel a little better. 455 00:17:28,325 --> 00:17:29,785 You didn't leave me. 456 00:17:29,827 --> 00:17:31,704 Everybody leaves me. 457 00:17:31,745 --> 00:17:35,499 I've been left in Dumpsters and on a curb and... 458 00:17:35,541 --> 00:17:37,042 Oh, I wouldn't dream of it. 459 00:17:37,083 --> 00:17:39,461 Excuse me. Could you, uh, leave us alone for... 460 00:17:39,503 --> 00:17:41,213 - Yeah, absolutely, yes. - Thank you. 461 00:17:41,254 --> 00:17:43,507 Oh, no, I-I'd like him to-to stay. 462 00:17:43,549 --> 00:17:44,591 - Really? - Yeah. 463 00:17:44,633 --> 00:17:45,592 Okay. 464 00:17:45,634 --> 00:17:46,885 I'm afraid that you have 465 00:17:46,926 --> 00:17:48,804 tested positive for chlamydia, syphilis, 466 00:17:48,846 --> 00:17:50,263 gonorrhea, hepatitis, pancreatitis, 467 00:17:50,305 --> 00:17:53,600 trichomonitis, nongonococcal urethritis. 468 00:17:53,642 --> 00:17:56,562 All the itises, really, and there's also 469 00:17:56,603 --> 00:17:57,813 a host of osises. 470 00:17:57,855 --> 00:17:59,565 Now, what this means in nonmedical terms 471 00:17:59,606 --> 00:18:02,526 is that you have landed, uh, a real party girl. 472 00:18:02,568 --> 00:18:04,444 Well, will she be okay? 473 00:18:04,486 --> 00:18:06,154 Well, we can treat all of these things, 474 00:18:06,196 --> 00:18:07,823 but if she's really gonna be okay, 475 00:18:07,865 --> 00:18:09,825 uh, she's gonna have to tackle this drug problem. 476 00:18:09,867 --> 00:18:12,077 You didn't tell me you had a drug problem. 477 00:18:12,118 --> 00:18:14,287 We met at a methadone clinic. 478 00:18:14,329 --> 00:18:15,288 Are you high? 479 00:18:15,330 --> 00:18:16,749 We met at an acting class. 480 00:18:16,790 --> 00:18:18,500 The Method One... 481 00:18:18,542 --> 00:18:21,211 There it is. I'm gonna let you guys, uh, hash this out. 482 00:18:21,253 --> 00:18:23,296 I guess I shouldn't have lied about being clean 483 00:18:23,338 --> 00:18:26,550 when I took that methadone, but I'll do better this time. 484 00:18:26,592 --> 00:18:27,885 Or are you gonna leave me 485 00:18:27,926 --> 00:18:30,095 now that you know that I'm a druggie? 486 00:18:30,136 --> 00:18:33,432 DeBrie, look, some people struggle with addiction, 487 00:18:33,473 --> 00:18:36,059 other people are incapable of ever being nude. 488 00:18:36,101 --> 00:18:37,603 Everybody has something. 489 00:18:37,644 --> 00:18:40,647 And it's my professional opinion that your drug use 490 00:18:40,689 --> 00:18:44,610 is a direct result of your abandoning your dream of acting. 491 00:18:44,651 --> 00:18:46,403 You are a gifted actress. 492 00:18:46,445 --> 00:18:48,405 When I first saw Straight Bait, 493 00:18:48,447 --> 00:18:49,740 there were two men making love, 494 00:18:49,782 --> 00:18:51,784 but I couldn't take my eyes off of you. 495 00:18:51,825 --> 00:18:53,535 You watched Straight Bait? 496 00:18:53,577 --> 00:18:55,078 Oh, just2, 4and9. 497 00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:57,497 You were with a guy who didn't care about you. 498 00:18:57,539 --> 00:19:00,751 But stick with me, and I'll make you famous. 499 00:19:00,793 --> 00:19:04,504 By cashing in on your most celebrated role. 500 00:19:04,546 --> 00:19:05,672 Come one, come all! 501 00:19:05,714 --> 00:19:08,133 Get your photo taken with Sue Storm 502 00:19:08,174 --> 00:19:09,635 from the Fantastic Four! 503 00:19:09,676 --> 00:19:11,261 Hey, is that Jessica Alba? 504 00:19:11,303 --> 00:19:14,180 No, this is the original Sue Storm, DeBrie Bardeaux! 505 00:19:14,222 --> 00:19:16,099 - Who? - The original Sue Storm, 506 00:19:16,141 --> 00:19:17,726 DeBrie Bardeaux. She-- No, no! 507 00:19:17,768 --> 00:19:18,727 No free pictures, kids! 508 00:19:18,769 --> 00:19:19,728 No, no, scram! 509 00:19:19,770 --> 00:19:20,771 Get out of here! Go! 510 00:19:20,813 --> 00:19:22,105 Go, get out of here. 511 00:19:22,147 --> 00:19:23,649 I don't think this is working. 512 00:19:23,690 --> 00:19:26,025 Maybe I need to get a regular job. 513 00:19:26,067 --> 00:19:28,194 I do have a law degree. 514 00:19:28,236 --> 00:19:30,071 I know, I know, and I'm a doctor. 515 00:19:30,113 --> 00:19:32,031 But no, let's not settle. 516 00:19:32,073 --> 00:19:34,033 Look, it's the Fantastic Four. 517 00:19:34,075 --> 00:19:36,578 No one recognizes one alone. 518 00:19:36,620 --> 00:19:37,955 I've got an idea. 519 00:19:37,996 --> 00:19:40,081 Ten dollars gets you a picture with 520 00:19:40,123 --> 00:19:41,333 real Hollywood characters! 521 00:19:41,374 --> 00:19:42,542 What do you say? Ten dollars. 522 00:19:42,584 --> 00:19:43,543 That's certainly cheap. 523 00:19:43,585 --> 00:19:45,796 Oh! Hello, young man, 524 00:19:45,838 --> 00:19:48,089 and his... uncle? Neighbor? 525 00:19:48,131 --> 00:19:49,382 Father. 526 00:19:49,424 --> 00:19:50,676 Oh! That's terrific. 527 00:19:50,717 --> 00:19:52,093 Well, how would you like 528 00:19:52,135 --> 00:19:53,470 to have your picture taken 529 00:19:53,512 --> 00:19:56,348 with real Hollywood movie land characters? 530 00:19:56,389 --> 00:19:57,766 Are you the Smurfs? 531 00:19:57,808 --> 00:19:59,351 No, no, no. 532 00:19:59,392 --> 00:20:00,936 They're the Ambiguously Gay Duo. 533 00:20:00,978 --> 00:20:02,270 Oh, I assure you, 534 00:20:02,312 --> 00:20:04,105 there's nothing ambiguous about me. 535 00:20:04,147 --> 00:20:06,399 I'm Johnny Storm, the human flamer. 536 00:20:06,441 --> 00:20:10,236 And this is Sue Storm, my sister and fellow fighter-in-law. 537 00:20:10,278 --> 00:20:12,405 Now watch as I get-- no, I have special effects! 538 00:20:12,447 --> 00:20:14,282 Look, children love fire. 539 00:20:14,324 --> 00:20:15,325 Oh. 540 00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:16,326 This isn't working either. 541 00:20:16,368 --> 00:20:17,995 You're right. 542 00:20:18,036 --> 00:20:20,455 Two people in blue doesn't say Fantastic Four. 543 00:20:20,497 --> 00:20:22,165 You know what though? 544 00:20:22,207 --> 00:20:24,250 I think I may have just the thing. 545 00:20:24,292 --> 00:20:25,460 Oh? 546 00:20:25,502 --> 00:20:27,546 Just "the thing." 547 00:20:27,587 --> 00:20:29,006 Cut to... 548 00:20:29,047 --> 00:20:31,591 Now that I'm the iconic rock man The Thing, 549 00:20:31,633 --> 00:20:33,218 no one will misunderstand. 550 00:20:33,259 --> 00:20:35,971 I'm sure the Blues Brothers here will know who we are. 551 00:20:36,013 --> 00:20:37,848 Excuse me, are you Sue Storm and The Thing? 552 00:20:37,890 --> 00:20:39,683 Oh, who's smart now? 553 00:20:39,725 --> 00:20:41,393 Indeed we are. 554 00:20:41,434 --> 00:20:43,520 In fact, they were orthodox members of the law firm 555 00:20:43,562 --> 00:20:46,231 Feinberg, Feinberg, Feinberg & Feinberg. 556 00:20:46,272 --> 00:20:48,984 We represent Stan Lee and Marvel Enterprises. 557 00:20:49,026 --> 00:20:50,652 This is a cease and desist 558 00:20:50,694 --> 00:20:52,445 ordering you to stop impersonating 559 00:20:52,487 --> 00:20:54,113 any of our trademark characters. 560 00:20:54,155 --> 00:20:55,615 Oh, let me take a look at that. 561 00:20:55,657 --> 00:20:56,700 I have a law degree. 562 00:20:56,742 --> 00:20:57,910 No, DeBrie, I've got this. 563 00:20:57,951 --> 00:21:00,119 Mr. Feinberg? 564 00:21:00,161 --> 00:21:01,788 Uh, would it change your mind 565 00:21:01,830 --> 00:21:05,876 if I offered you a free Sue Storm armband? 566 00:21:05,918 --> 00:21:07,794 It did not change his mind. 567 00:21:07,836 --> 00:21:10,547 And although the hate crime charges were dismissed, 568 00:21:10,589 --> 00:21:12,298 they were told they could not continue 569 00:21:12,340 --> 00:21:13,800 to pose as the Fantastic Four. 570 00:21:13,842 --> 00:21:16,553 Can they really make us leave Hollywood Boulevard? 571 00:21:16,595 --> 00:21:19,681 Well, apparently in this instance, paper beats rock. 572 00:21:19,723 --> 00:21:20,682 You have a rock? 573 00:21:20,724 --> 00:21:23,018 No, I am your rock now. 574 00:21:23,060 --> 00:21:24,061 Oh. 575 00:21:24,102 --> 00:21:25,228 So what are we gonna do 576 00:21:25,270 --> 00:21:26,939 now that we don't have the rights? 577 00:21:26,980 --> 00:21:28,732 Well, we just go off-brand. 578 00:21:28,774 --> 00:21:32,318 Uh, we'll just change the names and do a cheap generic knockoff. 579 00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:34,112 Kids don't care. 580 00:21:34,153 --> 00:21:35,864 Tobias took them down to a street 581 00:21:35,906 --> 00:21:38,575 near Harbor Boulevard, where his friend Gary Goose 582 00:21:38,617 --> 00:21:40,159 told him they didn't police very much. 583 00:21:40,201 --> 00:21:42,081 Rock Monster and Ability to Be Invisible Person. 584 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:43,705 Hello, young man. What brings you 585 00:21:43,747 --> 00:21:46,666 to at least 500 feet past the entrance of Disneyland? 586 00:21:46,708 --> 00:21:47,834 Dad, can I get my picture taken 587 00:21:47,876 --> 00:21:49,002 with The Thing and Invisible Girl? 588 00:21:49,044 --> 00:21:50,545 They're the Fantastic Four. 589 00:21:50,587 --> 00:21:52,547 Well, actually, technically, I'm Rock Monster, 590 00:21:52,589 --> 00:21:54,883 and this is Ability to Be Invisible Person. 591 00:21:54,925 --> 00:21:56,802 - Hey, you guys want the ten dollars or not? - Yeah. 592 00:21:56,843 --> 00:21:58,344 - Uh... - Yeah, yeah. 593 00:21:58,386 --> 00:22:00,055 Yes. Okay. 594 00:22:00,097 --> 00:22:02,641 We're The Thing and the Invisible Girl. 595 00:22:02,682 --> 00:22:03,767 - You're under arrest. - What? 596 00:22:03,809 --> 00:22:05,310 Boom. Turn around. 597 00:22:05,351 --> 00:22:06,686 - Let's go. - I didn't... 598 00:22:06,728 --> 00:22:08,105 - Let's go. Get up there. - Oh! Oh! 599 00:22:08,146 --> 00:22:09,898 Come on. 600 00:22:09,940 --> 00:22:11,900 - Oh, come on, now. - No, no, no. 601 00:22:11,942 --> 00:22:14,319 We're not gonna kill him, we're just gonna handcuff him. 602 00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:15,946 You can't shoot us 'cause it's not a felony. 603 00:22:15,988 --> 00:22:18,073 Keep your eyes on her. I'll be right back. 604 00:22:18,115 --> 00:22:20,075 Okay. 605 00:22:22,494 --> 00:22:23,787 If it happens again, 606 00:22:23,829 --> 00:22:25,914 you know, it will be a third strike. 607 00:22:25,956 --> 00:22:27,624 Three-strikes law's up for review in the appellate courts, 608 00:22:27,666 --> 00:22:28,959 but we really shouldn't be charging. 609 00:22:29,001 --> 00:22:30,710 I know of a street in Garden Grove 610 00:22:30,752 --> 00:22:32,712 - where they don't police very much. - Okay. 611 00:22:32,754 --> 00:22:34,255 Things were looking down. 612 00:22:34,297 --> 00:22:36,925 And over the following weeks, 613 00:22:36,967 --> 00:22:38,760 their financial situation grew dire enough 614 00:22:38,802 --> 00:22:40,053 for this to happen. 615 00:22:40,095 --> 00:22:41,972 We're broke. 616 00:22:42,014 --> 00:22:43,932 But you can't sell your Fantastic Four costume. 617 00:22:43,974 --> 00:22:45,308 I mean, that would be like a fisherman 618 00:22:45,350 --> 00:22:47,352 selling his fishing costume. 619 00:22:47,393 --> 00:22:49,604 No, I was gonna have sex with him. 620 00:22:49,646 --> 00:22:51,188 For money. 621 00:22:51,230 --> 00:22:52,899 What? No. Put that back on. 622 00:22:52,941 --> 00:22:54,901 You don't have to degrade yourself this way. 623 00:22:54,943 --> 00:22:57,070 Hey, I'm not a thing. 624 00:22:57,112 --> 00:22:59,322 Hey, I am a Thing. 625 00:22:59,364 --> 00:23:01,908 And so, with no other options, Tobias returned 626 00:23:01,950 --> 00:23:03,409 to his in-laws' penthouse, 627 00:23:03,451 --> 00:23:06,371 desperate enough to ransack the place, 628 00:23:06,412 --> 00:23:09,332 when it appeared someone had beaten him to it. 629 00:23:09,374 --> 00:23:11,168 Michael. 630 00:23:11,208 --> 00:23:12,878 No, George Michael. 631 00:23:12,919 --> 00:23:14,796 Somebody, help! 632 00:23:14,838 --> 00:23:16,715 And that's when he heard what sounded like two ostriches 633 00:23:16,756 --> 00:23:18,842 making love to a pop hit. 634 00:23:18,884 --> 00:23:20,552 But was actually this. 635 00:23:20,593 --> 00:23:24,097 ♪ Why don't you go away, go away ♪ 636 00:23:24,139 --> 00:23:25,640 ♪ Get away, get away ♪ 637 00:23:25,682 --> 00:23:27,600 ♪ Stay away ♪ 638 00:23:27,642 --> 00:23:30,187 ♪ You're hopelessly hopeless... ♪ 639 00:23:30,227 --> 00:23:32,605 Good bird. 640 00:23:34,231 --> 00:23:35,650 Stop it, chicken! 641 00:23:35,692 --> 00:23:37,861 Somebody help! 642 00:23:37,903 --> 00:23:39,071 Lucille 2! 643 00:23:39,112 --> 00:23:40,906 Help! Help! Kevin, give me a hand! 644 00:23:40,947 --> 00:23:42,448 Get Dr. Bowman or Alicia. 645 00:23:42,490 --> 00:23:43,825 Either one. 646 00:23:43,867 --> 00:23:45,994 This woman's been attacked by an ostrich! 647 00:23:46,036 --> 00:23:47,954 Ah, Tobias got a new girlfriend. 648 00:23:52,792 --> 00:23:54,460 Tobias had acted like an actual superhero 649 00:23:54,502 --> 00:23:55,587 - and saved Lucille 2. - There's my hero. 650 00:23:55,628 --> 00:23:57,089 You know, the doctor said 651 00:23:57,130 --> 00:23:58,381 if that bird had gotten through 652 00:23:58,423 --> 00:24:00,341 my second layer of makeup, it could've done 653 00:24:00,383 --> 00:24:01,593 permanent damage to my skin. 654 00:24:01,634 --> 00:24:03,344 And I want to repay you. 655 00:24:03,386 --> 00:24:06,014 You're a doctor, and you're out of work. 656 00:24:06,056 --> 00:24:07,933 - Well... - How would you like to come work for me, 657 00:24:07,974 --> 00:24:09,392 at Austerity? 658 00:24:09,434 --> 00:24:11,436 The rehab center? That's yours? 659 00:24:11,477 --> 00:24:13,479 Well, my brother Argyle runs it day to day. 660 00:24:13,521 --> 00:24:14,689 But we are so understaffed. 661 00:24:14,731 --> 00:24:16,191 You'd be such a gift. 662 00:24:16,233 --> 00:24:19,276 It would only pay 120 grand a year to start. 663 00:24:19,318 --> 00:24:21,529 Tobias, whose girlfriend had nearly 664 00:24:21,571 --> 00:24:23,949 sold her body for money in front of him, 665 00:24:23,990 --> 00:24:27,202 knew that everyone at some time has to face reality. 666 00:24:31,372 --> 00:24:33,374 - But that this wasn't the time. - No. 667 00:24:33,416 --> 00:24:35,127 - You turned it down?! - Uh-huh. 668 00:24:35,168 --> 00:24:38,004 I almost a guy for a hamburger, 669 00:24:38,046 --> 00:24:40,924 and you turned down $120, 000 a year? 670 00:24:40,966 --> 00:24:43,384 To keep our dream alive, yes, I did. 671 00:24:43,426 --> 00:24:45,137 I thought you'd be proud of me. 672 00:24:45,178 --> 00:24:47,055 After all, a doctor in India 673 00:24:47,097 --> 00:24:49,641 told me that I have the gift to make people laugh. 674 00:24:49,682 --> 00:24:51,308 Why are you crying? 675 00:24:51,350 --> 00:24:53,394 You're worse than Marky. 676 00:24:53,436 --> 00:24:57,398 He couldn't see me, but you can't hear me. 677 00:24:59,442 --> 00:25:01,903 The setback sent an emotionally fragile DeBrie 678 00:25:01,945 --> 00:25:04,614 back to her old ways. 679 00:25:04,656 --> 00:25:07,200 And before long, she was picked up by a limo 680 00:25:07,242 --> 00:25:08,952 for a night of being passed around 681 00:25:08,994 --> 00:25:11,412 amongst Hollywood creeps. 682 00:25:11,454 --> 00:25:15,458 For three weeks, Tobias waited, hoping DeBrie would return. 683 00:25:15,500 --> 00:25:18,670 Perhaps it was the morning he awoke to find 684 00:25:18,711 --> 00:25:20,255 two bums using him as a pillow 685 00:25:20,297 --> 00:25:22,465 that he realized she wasn't coming back. 686 00:25:22,507 --> 00:25:24,050 Who are you supposed to be? 687 00:25:24,092 --> 00:25:26,552 Oh, I'm The Thing from Fantastic Four. 688 00:25:26,594 --> 00:25:29,555 You've been served, (bleep). 689 00:25:29,597 --> 00:25:32,142 Oh, (bleep) me. 690 00:25:32,184 --> 00:25:33,977 Are you undercover as well? 691 00:25:34,019 --> 00:25:35,937 I'm CIA. Not here for you though. 692 00:25:35,979 --> 00:25:38,315 Scoping out Imagine Entertainment. 693 00:25:38,355 --> 00:25:40,733 So, with nowhere to go... 694 00:25:40,775 --> 00:25:42,443 Thought I'd try you again. 695 00:25:42,485 --> 00:25:44,154 ...and no one to help him out of his rock suit... 696 00:25:44,196 --> 00:25:46,281 Honey, you read comic books, yes? 697 00:25:46,323 --> 00:25:47,824 ...he went to see if his daughter 698 00:25:47,866 --> 00:25:50,327 would give him a place to stay. 699 00:25:54,914 --> 00:25:57,667 Now the fun begins, right, Officer Three? 700 00:25:57,709 --> 00:25:59,544 I'll say. 701 00:25:59,585 --> 00:26:02,130 ...and why and how. Who, what, when, where, why and how. 702 00:26:03,548 --> 00:26:06,301 Is there a little girl here all by herself? 703 00:26:06,343 --> 00:26:08,636 And perhaps it was this that would finally 704 00:26:08,678 --> 00:26:11,223 get him to admit that he sometimes did speak 705 00:26:11,264 --> 00:26:12,932 in a misleading way. 706 00:26:12,974 --> 00:26:15,768 Daddy needs to get his rocks off. 707 00:26:20,690 --> 00:26:23,235 On the next To Entrap a Local Predator... 708 00:26:23,276 --> 00:26:25,237 I'll be down in a minute. 709 00:26:25,278 --> 00:26:27,030 Have some lemonade. 710 00:26:27,072 --> 00:26:28,823 Predator gets its first rock-solid case. 711 00:26:28,865 --> 00:26:31,534 Pretty good lemonade, huh? 712 00:26:31,576 --> 00:26:32,827 It is. 713 00:26:32,869 --> 00:26:34,537 Is there alcohol in here-- John Beard! 714 00:26:34,579 --> 00:26:35,538 Please, have a seat. 715 00:26:35,580 --> 00:26:36,539 Okay. 716 00:26:36,581 --> 00:26:37,707 Why are you here? 717 00:26:37,749 --> 00:26:39,125 I'm here to see my little girl. 718 00:26:39,167 --> 00:26:41,378 I wanted to show her Daddy's Thing. 719 00:26:41,418 --> 00:26:42,712 What are you doing here? 720 00:26:42,754 --> 00:26:45,506 I'm doing a, um, a local interest piece. 721 00:26:45,548 --> 00:26:46,507 Mm. 722 00:26:46,549 --> 00:26:47,592 Okay, get in there, boys. 723 00:26:47,633 --> 00:26:49,302 Oh, really local. 724 00:26:49,344 --> 00:26:50,345 That's right, yeah. 725 00:26:50,387 --> 00:26:51,428 Is this about my daughter? 726 00:26:51,470 --> 00:26:52,597 Oh, so it's your daughter 727 00:26:52,638 --> 00:26:54,307 - you're here to see? - Yes. 728 00:26:55,058 --> 00:26:56,433 Maeby. 729 00:26:56,475 --> 00:26:58,311 If he's got a daughter, then how old is she? 730 00:26:58,353 --> 00:26:59,436 Let me ask you this. 731 00:26:59,478 --> 00:27:00,437 How old is she? 732 00:27:00,479 --> 00:27:02,481 Oh. 733 00:27:02,523 --> 00:27:04,359 Why do you put me on the spot? 734 00:27:04,401 --> 00:27:07,279 Um, I want to say 19? 735 00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:09,864 But I like to think of her as 15. 736 00:27:09,906 --> 00:27:10,907 Well, you're free to go. 737 00:27:10,949 --> 00:27:12,533 She's not here. 738 00:27:12,575 --> 00:27:14,255 But this creep won't take "go" 739 00:27:14,286 --> 00:27:15,703 - for an answer. - Oh, that's all right. 740 00:27:15,745 --> 00:27:17,289 I'll stay, I'll wait. 741 00:27:17,330 --> 00:27:19,291 And this creep makes himself right at home. 742 00:27:19,332 --> 00:27:21,293 - Give me just a minute. - He's not leaving. 743 00:27:21,334 --> 00:27:23,253 - He's not leaving. - He's not leaving. 744 00:27:23,295 --> 00:27:25,171 Tell him there's a raccoon in the backyard. 745 00:27:25,213 --> 00:27:26,756 Hey, guess what. 746 00:27:26,798 --> 00:27:28,549 There's a raccoon out on the patio! 747 00:27:28,591 --> 00:27:29,617 Bull (bleep). 748 00:27:29,737 --> 00:27:30,907 Where is that little guy? 749 00:27:31,027 --> 00:27:33,805 And this guy turns out to be a real comedian. 750 00:27:34,755 --> 00:27:36,530 I just broke my skull in a fourth place: 751 00:27:36,650 --> 00:27:38,134 the patio! 752 00:27:38,254 --> 00:27:41,179 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 54847

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