All language subtitles for 1. Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin

- And though I'm no Olivier,

if he fought Sugar Ray,
he would say

that the thing
ain't the ring, it's the play.

So give me a stage
where this bull here can rage,

and though I can fight,
I'd much rather recite.

That's entertainment.

- Alec, what are you doing
in my dressing room?

- You talking to me?
- Alec, don't do that.

What are you,
afraid to be yourself?

- A little bit, I am.
A little bit.

- Shake it off, Alec.
This is your night.

Go for it.
You can do it.

- You never got me down, Bob.
You never got me down, Bob.

- Put that coffee down.

- Pumpkin spice latte?
Bob, come on.

- You bitch.
We're gonna roast the fuck

out of you tonight.

Regrets, I've had a few

But then again,
too few to mention

But I did what I had to do

I saw it through
without exemption

I've planned
each charted course

Each careful step
along the highway

And more,
much more than this

I did it my way

- This is the Comedy Central
Roast of Alec Baldwin.

And now please welcome
your roastmaster, Sean Hayes.

- Thank you. That's so nice.
Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, everybody.
Welcome.

Welcome to the Comedy Central
Roast of Alec Baldwin.

They say you only roast
the ones you love,

but tonight we said fuck it.

Alec, I think we can all agree,

is a great actor,
an incredible philanthropist,

and a huge dick.

Can someone please
explain to Ken Jeong

what a huge dick is?

We got right into it.

Uh, it's great to see all the
diversity on the stage, though.

We have a gay, trans,
black, Asian, mixed.

I don't know whether
to roast these people

or register them to vote.

Okay?

Let's get to the real reason
why we're all here tonight.

To meet Robert De Niro.

Robert, by the way,
what's a legend like you

doing at a comedy roast?

I mean, is this the same
Robert De Niro

that did "Little Fockers"
and "Dirty Grandpa" and...

Yeah, I guess it kind of
makes sense, yeah.

I can't wait until someone

makes you an offer
you can refuse.

We've got NBA all-star
Blake Griffin tonight.

No offense, Blake, but I am a
better ball handler than you.

Uh, Caitlyn Jenner is here.

I can't believe
you're here, wow.

You've got balls, girl.

Yeah.

Caitlyn, being here
tonight is braver

than anything you've ever done.

But don't worry, any parts
you don't like can be cut.

Now, uh, without
further a-douche,

let's take a look
at Alec's package

before it makes
any more Baldwins.

- Ladies and gentleman,
the actor.

- Execute.

Jack Donaghy.

You ask me if I have
a God complex?

Put that coffee down.

Cookies are for closers.

I am God.

Next time, Jack,
write a goddamn memo.

No one can resist
my Schweddy balls.

- That phenomenon of nature
called the actor.

- Stella!
- What is he?

- Alec Baldwin is the single
greatest actor of all time.

I love rock and roll

Rock and roll is
the devil's music.

And they love me way more
than they love Alec Baldwin.

- Actors live continually
in the glare of the spotlight.

- Baldwin was kicked
off a plane

after refusing
to turn off his phone.

- Their comings and goings are
reported daily in the press.

- What job did you want to do

that you failed at
that you're doing this job?

- For actors, there is no such
thing as a private life.

- You are a rude,
thoughtless little pig.

I'll give you a reason
to be afraid of me!

I'm your host, Alec Baldwin.
- I know the score

- Many a man imagines himself

with his arms around
a beautiful actress.

- Don't tire him out too bad
on the honeymoon.

I'm gonna kill the bear!

- USDA certified lean
- Oh!

I'm the man

- I'm a mighty
great white shark, Lemon,

and you are a remora
clinging to me

with your suction cup head.

You can't break me down

I got gas in the tank

- I like to do
my own dirty work.

I got money in the bank

- That's a lot of money, man.

I got news for you, baby

You're looking at the man

- Whoops!
Always be closing.

This is not a movie.
This is my fucking life.

- A star of stage and screen,
the one and only Alec Baldwin.

- And now the moment only he's
been waiting for, Alec Baldwin.

Don't worry, Alec,
nothing said here tonight

will be meaner than
what you left

on your daughter's voice mail.

Alec once said that I was
like a brother to him,

which is why we haven't talked
in ten years.

Of course, I wasn't his
first choice to host tonight.

His first choice
was Tracy Morgan,

but even Tracy said,

"I'd rather go shopping
at Walmart

with the Walmart driver
who hit me."

A lot of people think Alec
is the best Baldwin brother,

but someone saying you're
the best Baldwin brother

is kind of like your
doctor saying,

"Good news, you have
the best kind of cancer."

Alec almost got the role
of Batman in 1989,

but the part went
to Michael Keaton

because he actually had
chemistry with Kim Basinger.

- I never thought of that.

- Of course,
Alec's true passion

has always been the theater.

Alec loves to hit the stage
because it can't press charges.

Alec used to be
a belligerent drunk

before he became
a belligerent sober person.

It's true, Alec had a substance
abuse problem in the past,

but he worked through it
and hasn't done

anything of substance
in 20 years.

Alec is a romantic.

He met his first wife
on a movie set

and his second wife
on a swing set.

Her name is Hilaria,
and what's even more "hilaria"

is they already have
four kids together.

But he finally got it right.

His wife is a calming presence
and an amazing yoga instructor.

She was able to get Alec
into this one position

where he has to work
until he dies.

The good part about
having kids late in life:

young, strong pallbearers.

Now, Alec, sit back,
unclench your fists,

and I promise,
this will be the funniest thing

you've ever been a part of
that Tina Fey

didn't carry you through.

Our first roaster
is Nikki Glaser.

If you don't recognize Nikki,
it's probably because

you were drunk
when you went home with her.

Give it up for the person
you'll remember as

that lady who went up first,
Nikki Glaser.

- Sean Hayes!

Keep it going for the reason

Mike Pence says
we have hurricanes.

You look like the little man
on top of a wedding cake

that a bakery would refuse
to make for you.

"Will & Grace" was really
the best you could do.

It just...

Just Jack!
Just Jack is--

it's also what I'm gonna do
in my hotel room alone

after sitting next to
Blake Griffin all night.

Jesus Christ.

You're so hot.
What the fuck?

You're so--I'd fuck you
in front of my grandparents.

I--that's how--

I almost want to, you know?

I feel like Mimi
would be proud.

Blake, you look like
a black guy

that got made by a printer
running out of ink.

That's--

Yeah.

Chris Redd is here
because Comedy Central

wasn't sure if Blake
was black or not.

You look great, Chris.

Uh, you always dress like
a nine-year-old

who just found $1,000
on the sidewalk.

At this point, like,
what can you say

about Jeff Ross
that he hasn't heard before?

It's like--uh, oh.
"I respect you."

Um, "You look nice tonight."

"Here's your salad, sir."
Stuff like that.

Okay, Jeff, you look like
if Popeye only ate Popeye's.

Checks out.

- Come back, no.
- No, Jeff, no.

Don't break the couch.
Your face...

Your face has a dad bod.

Let's--

Jeff gets really hot girls
and I just--I don't--

how do you get 10s?

Teens, I'm sorry,
I read that wrong.

How do you get--

you have the sex appeal
of a gymnastics doctor.

I just don't understand.

Robert De Niro is here.

Looking like ALF.

I can't even believe I get
to share this stage

with you tonight,
Robert De Niro.

And by this stage, I mean
the final one of your life.

It's--

I'm sorry.

I don't feel right
about any of this.

Caitlyn Jenner,
I just want to thank you

for all you've done
for the trans movement

and the size 16
stiletto industry.

You were such
an incredible athlete.

People forget
just how fast you once ran

from your first family to go
be on a reality show.

- I like that one.

- Seriously, though, I know
being a new mom is hard.

But even Casey Anthony knows

the current location
of her daughter.

- Oh, my God.

- Okay.

Thank you.

You're a Republican.
I don't know why.

You've already gained control
over a woman's body.

What does that party have to do
to lose your support?

Be your son?

Caitlyn, I know you've only
publicly identified

as a woman for a few years,
but I just want you to know

that I know that, deep down,
you have always been a.

And, uh--

I spell it with a K,
though, for you.

You're great.
Thank you, you're great.

Alec Baldwin,
what an honor to be here

roasting Justin Bieber's wife's
oldest, fattest uncle.

It's like--

I'll never forget
that voice mail,

um, that--what you called
your daughter Ireland

a thoughtless little pig.

Um, that's got to be
one of the worst things

you can call your daughter.

After Ireland, actually.
That's--

that name, yikes.

Speaking of terrible names,
your wife's name is Hilaria.

Is it "Hi-lair-ia"?
It's--it's "Hi-lair-ia"?

- "E-lar-ia"
- "E-lar-ia"?

Oh, it's so stupid.
Okay, um--

It doesn't matter.
She's so hot.

Dude, she's so hot and fit.

Does getting screamed at
burn calories?

You have four kids
under the age of six.

I just--how do you do it?

I mean, isn't your semen
just oatmeal at this point?

Oh, Robert just got excited
when I said "oatmeal."

He started salivating.

Your--

your night nurse
is warming it up backstage.

It'll be ready in the break.

I'm such a fan of the Baldwins.

I've never been so sure that

four people have buried
a hooker together.

In all seriousness,
I want to thank Alec.

Um, in his memoir,
he bravely admitted

that he had once
considered suicide.

And I just want to say that
that meant a lot to me

because I have also

considered your suicide.

And I have some ideas.

I even know what
I'm gonna wear.

Alec, thank you so much for
having me here tonight.

Thank you.

- You are fucking funny.
Holy shit.

Coming up, Chris Redd,
Caitlyn Jenner,

Adam Carolla, Jeff Ross,
Ken Jeong,

Caroline Rhea, Robert De Niro,
and Blake Griffin.

- Are you gonna do jokes
about wanting to fuck me?

- Yeah, now I am.
- Okay, good, yes.

- Welcome back to the Comedy
Central Roast of Alec Baldwin.

Our next roaster
is Blake Griffin.

He almost married
Kendall Jenner,

but unfortunately,
they're no longer

accepting weirdos
in that family.

He's half black, half white,
and neither half is funny.

I usually say a third thing,

but I don't know shit
about sports.

Blake Griffin.

- Guys, give it up
for Sean Hayes, huh?

Doing a great job.
Uh, Sean, you know what?

I'm not gonna stand up here
and run a bunch

of hacky gay jokes
into the ground, all right?

I'm not "Will & Grace."

Larry Bird is here.
I mean Nikki Glaser is here.

- That hurts, Blake.
That hurts.

- Uh, you know,
the only difference

between Larry Bird
and Nikki Glaser

is Larry could actually
pass as 33.

- Devastating!

- I'm sorry.
You were so nice earlier.

I--

I just--yeah.

Nikki, look at you.

You damaged little climber.

You know,
Nikki was the only girl

kicked off Jeffery Epstein's
island for networking.

Adam Carolla is here.

You know, Adam looks like
the kind of guy

who calls black athletes
"thoroughbreds."

- Caroline Rhea from "Sabrina"
is here, give it up.

Give it up.

Caroline, if you're here,
that means Salem the cat

must have
turned this down, huh?

Sorry, Mr. De Niro,
we know how much

you love that black pussy.

Nice to meet you, by the way.

Big fan.

Chris Redd looks like
a police sketch

of someone doing blackface.

You look like Nephew Jemima.

- Oh, shit!

Don't talk about
my auntie like that.

- Dude, dude, dude.

- Why do you always look like
you just got your braces off?

Speaking of Chris Redd,
Caitlyn Jenner is here.

Uh, uh--I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Like Caitlyn, my transitions
are really awkward.

Caitlyn completed her gender
reassignment in 2017,

finally confirming
that no one in that family

wants a white dick.

Oh.

- Oh.

- Thought she was coming
after me there for a second.

Caitlyn's pussy is so young...

- How young is it?

- Alec just called it a rude,
thoughtless little pig.

Look, look, for real,
I know we're all here

making fun of Caitlyn,
but honestly,

I want to take this moment
to publicly thank you.

As an athlete, I want to
thank you for your bravery.

As a human, I want to thank you
for the doors you've opened.

And on behalf of the entire NBA

and half of the rappers
on the "Billboard" charts,

I want to thank you
for giving your daughters

their daddy issues.

And now the man of the hour,
Mr. Alec Baldwin.

Give it up.

Alec, I can tell
you're from New York

because just like the Knicks,
you've somehow

gotten worse every year
since the 90s.

You know, Alec kind of looks
like a team owner

that saves money by massaging
the players himself.

And I played for
Donald Sterling, so...

You might think Alec's
had an easy life,

but he's had hardships.

He once had someone
take his parking spot.

Another time,
a flight attendant

asked him to turn
his phone off before takeoff.

And according
to Alec's reactions,

those are the two worst things
to ever happen to him.

In the NBA, we have a term
for people like you.

It's a bad teammate.

Like, you were in
"Glengarry Glen Ross"

with Kevin Spacey
and you couldn't even tell him

that ABC doesn't mean
"always blow children"?

I would have told him.

Uh, but you know what,
I'm happy I'm here tonight

because tonight
I learned you're a family man,

you give to charity,
and you're a big enough man

to sit up here
and let us roast you.

You truly are a kind,
thoughtful little pig.

- Coming up, Caitlyn Jenner
and Caroline Rhea.

- Dude, it's about to happen.
This shit's gonna get real.

- Our next roaster
is Caroline Rhea.

Yes.

Remember the hot aunt from
"Sabrina the Teenage Witch"?

We got the other one.

She's had a pretty tough year,

what with all
the Dress Barns closing.

But she just flew in
on the world's

strongest broomstick,
Caroline Rhea.

- Oh, yes.

I know what you're thinking.
It's Amy Schumer

with the old-age face app.

Sean Hayes is going
to be hard to top,

but plenty of men
have managed to do it.

Alec, where are
your brothers tonight?

God knows they're not working.

Let's face it.
No one wants to be here.

The person who went
to the greatest lengths

to not show up tonight
was Bruce Jenner.

- Yay.

- Caitlyn Jenner, proof that
older women in Hollywood

get fewer parts.

You transitioned in your 60s.

Way to get in
on the glory years, yeah.

And out of the glory holes.
Um...

I actually respect
that you fully transitioned

instead of stopping halfway
like Sean Hayes.

Dr. Ken Jeong is here, yes.

That's right,
Ken is a licensed doctor

who went through years
and years of higher education

and yet still thought
the Unicorn

on "The Masked Singer"
was Beyoncé.

Yeah.

So likely.

Was it an online
medical degree?

Oh.

Did you become a doctor so you
could find your own penis

because God knows no one else
was looking for it?

No.
Oh.

Speaking of shrimp, I saw your
special on Netflix and, um,

did not know
they filmed open mics.

So.
Whoa!

Jeff Ross, you are a staple
on the roasting circuit

and a predator
at high school dances.

Jeff, you are
one fat Jewish man.

I feel like you really took

"let my people go"
out of context.

Nikki Glaser, it has been
driving me crazy all night.

Which 1970s male Olympian
did you used to be?

Nikki, you were an inspiration
on "Dancing with the Stars."

I had no idea you were deaf.

On your TV show,
you asked your parents

if they had ever done anal.

And of course, they said,
"After Nikki was born,

we only did anal."

Chris Redd is here,
which I can only assume

has something to do
with Make-A-Wish.

What can you say about
Adam Carolla

that he won't tell you
in an insufferable tirade

he's trapped you in?

Robert De Niro.

You have a big movie coming out
with Al Pacino and Joe Pesci.

It's three and a half
hours long.

Is it just about you guys
trying to pee?

Alec and I have known
each other for 25 years.

One time, when I was doing
"Sabrina the Teenage Witch"

and he was doing Hilaria,
the teenage yoga instructor.

Your wife, Hilaria,
is in great shape,

but who wouldn't be
after pushing around

a 200-pound baby all day?

She's the boss, baby!

Alec Baldwin was a busboy
at Studio 54,

which means he had to clean up
jizz and coke every night,

which is exactly
what Nikki Glaser

looks for in a shampoo.

Oh, Alec, you're the only
fat vegetarian I know.

Alec is also an
animal rights activist.

He was instrumental
in closing down

the Ringling Brothers Circus.

It's true.

The animals were fine,

but three clowns
lost their jobs.

Steven, Billy, and Daniel.

Honestly, Alec, it's an honor
to be here for you tonight.

It's an honor
to be your friend.

I love you like a brother.
Like a real brother.

Thank you.

- That was fucking funny.
Thank you, that was great.

Still to come,
Ireland Baldwin...

- My precious little buttercup.
- And Chris Redd.

- Alec, you don't even know
what's coming, man.

Thank you for
having me on here,

and now, I'ma get in that ass.

- Oh, my God.

Comedy Central has brought us

some amazing young
black talent over the years.

Dave Chappelle, Key and Peele,
Trevor Noah.

But we're ending that tradition
now with Chris Redd.

He's been on "SNL"
for a few years,

but he's making his
television debut tonight.

Chris Redd.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Give it up for Sean "hazed a
lot in high school," everybody.

Ain't he the gayest?

Now, I am the least-known
person on this dais

and some people are like,
"Who the hell are you?"

And I'm gonna tell you
who I am.

I'm the only person
in 44 seasons of "SNL"

to actually show up
for Alec Baldwin ass.

And for the last time, Alec,
man, I am not Michael Che.

, stop calling me that.

Blake, you've got
the dumbest face.

You look like a rhinoceros
looking for his own horn.

Where is that?
Up there, down there?

Little two-eyed cyclops.
I don't like it.

Blake, you look like
nine different races

all working together
to make sure

you never win a championship.

Hey, Caitlyn.

You goddamn hypocrite.

You're, like,
against gay marriage.

You voted for Trump.

You're like the Auntie Tom
of the trans community.

I mean, okay.

I mean, you did open the door
for trans people.

But then you ran in
and slammed that shit shut

behind your flat ass.

I like these jokes.

Caroline looks like she leaves
her baby in a hot car

to meet firemen.

Look at you over there.

Looking like Caitlyn Jenner
got a sex change

at a Build-A-Bear workshop.

Very progressive store.
Very progressive.

Jeff Ross looks like
Caitlyn's old dick

coming back to haunt her.

But at least it
put a suit on, baby.

That's nice.

Adam Carolla's here.

Adam really tells it like it is

if you're also an insecure
white supremacist.

I saw you on
"Dancing with the Stars," girl.

You got two left hooves,
don't you?

Watching Nikki salsa dance
was the worst thing

a white person has done
to Puerto Ricans

since Trump
threw paper towels at them.

Robert De Niro, baby!

It's an honor to be up here
with you, man.

And to follow up on our
conversation backstage,

no, I have not
been on your lawn.

I don't know where you live.

But I do know your ex-wife
owns that house now.

You know what I mean?

Once you go black,
you never go back.

But you go broke.
Right, Bobby?

Yeah?
Yeah?

You old, you old,
you old, you old.

It's okay.

Robert, man, you've given us
so many amazing performances.

"Goodfellas," "Awakenings."

But tonight, man,
it's gonna be the best one yet.

It's gonna be
the old Italian man

trying to figure out
trans pronouns

in front of a live
studio audience.

Speaking of people
that cut my screen time

every Saturday night,

Alec motherfucking Baldwin,
baby.

Please give it up right now
for this Emmy-winning,

bread-faced river pig.
Give it up.

- What?

- Honestly, Alec, we got a lot
in common, man, you know?

We both work on "SNL."

We both fuck women my age.

And we both
have to check Instagram

to see what
your daughter's up to.

I'm just--

I'm just trying to be the first
black man in Ireland.

You know what I'm talking about?
You know what I'm talking about?

You know what I'm talking about.
You know what I'm talking about.

You know what
I'm talking about.

She know what
I'm talking about.

I'm just playing.
I'm not the first, but...

Alec once said
black people love him

because he plays
Trump on "SNL,"

and that is not why
we like you, Alec.

We like you because you have

the same eye color
and temperament

of every pit bull that we've
loved and had to put down.

I miss you, Tiki.

She used to bark at kids too,
you know?

But honestly, Alec, man,
I admire you, dog.

You've punched paparazzi,
you've yelled at cops,

and you've lived
to tell about it.

And you had me here
on this roast.

That means a whole lot
to me, man.

You my nigga, Alec.

Don't say it back, though.
Do not say it back.

- You're fucking funny, man.

You killed it.

Still to come, Ken Jeong...

- You're gonna crush it.
- Fuck you.

Oh, you said something nice.

- And Caitlyn Jenner.
- I'm coming for you.

- Welcome back
to the Comedy Central Roast

of Alec Baldwin.

Tonight I'm happy to announce

Alec Baldwin and Comedy Central
have joined

to donate $1 million
to a wonderful charity

called Exploring the Arts.

They're great.

Exploring the Arts is
an arts education nonprofit

founded by the one
and only Tony Bennett

and his wife, Susan Benedetto.

Yes, amazing.

And a good friend of Tony's
has something to say to Alec.

- Hey, everybody.
It's LG here.

I hope you don't mind
me interrupting

the little lovefest
you've got going on

to let you know how happy
my pal Tony Bennett

and I are that something good
is coming out of all of this.

With all the arts funding
being cut

out of public schools,
Tony Bennett and his wife

founded Exploring the Arts
in order to make a difference

by supporting
public high schools

and their students
to enhance their education

with extensive exposure
to all of the creative arts.

Because where would we be
without art?

So, Alec, as they continue
to destroy you tonight,

just remember
that it's all for a cause

near and dear to our hearts.

Love all of you very much.
Have a good night being mean.

- Well, she's not Lady Haha.

Our next roaster is
Caitlyn Jenner, LGBTQ icon.

Her daughter Kylie

sold a billion dollars
worth of makeup,

and she's here
wearing all of it tonight.

Give her a big hand even though
she already has two of them.

Caitlyn Jenner.

- Oh, oh.
That was funny.

Take a good look, kids.

This is what happens

when you eat your Wheaties
every morning.

Sean, you're doing a great job.

The only thing working harder
than you right now

are my Spanx, baby.

All of you are making these
silly comments and jokes

about how I kind of...

cut it off.

Let me remind you.

It made Kylie Jenner,

the youngest self-made
billionaire in history.

It made Kendall Jenner,

the highest-paid model
in the world.

I raised ten children.

I currently--well, I'm coming
up on 20 grandchildren.

I didn't cut it off.
I just retired it.

It was done!

You know, as I look
back and forth,

I'm not the only one up here
who's transitioned.

I used to be Bruce Jenner,

and Robert De Niro used to be
Robert fucking De Niro!

You call yourself
an actor, Robert.

For 60 years, I had everybody
convinced I was a man.

Now, that's acting.

Ken Jeong, is it true
your wife is named Tran Ho?

Oh, I want to meet her!

I mean, I'm waiting.
I can't wait.

I'll also want to say hello
to Kendall's ex.

You don't even
have to say his name.

It's just Kendall's ex.

Anyway, Blake Griffin, Blake.

Los Angeles to Detroit.

Let me tell you,
I can tell you

a thing or two
about switching teams.

Yeah, you're a nice boy,
and although it didn't work out

between the two of you,
you're always kind of welcome

to come over to my home

and know that you're
the second-best

athlete in the house.

Look, there's a lot of hate
in the world,

but we can still
laugh at ourselves.

And honestly,
that's why I'm here tonight.

I've seen it all.
I've even gotten threats.

And I want other members
of the trans community to know

that if I'm strong enough
to sit up here

and be ridiculed all night
that you can handle anything.

Except listening
to Adam Carolla's podcast.

Oh, my God.
That's torture.

Adam Carolla is so boring.

I've never seen
a drier pussy in my life.

And that's coming from me!

You see, Adam?

Women are funny.

What can I say?
I'm here because I love Alec.

Yes, actually,

I've known Alec for a long time
and I consider him family.

We go back.
When I was Bruce,

we were like brothers.

So, well, I guess
that's one more brother

he'll never talk to again.

To get serious
about this, look.

Some of you hate me
just because I'm me.

Some of you hate me because of

the things I may
have said in the past.

Well, hey, I'm not perfect.

I'm a person trying
to figure out my life,

just like everyone else.

All I want is
for future generations

of transgendered people to know

that if I can find the courage
to be who I am,

then you can too.

If--

If you have a problem
with that,

then you can suck my dick.

If you can find it!

Thank you!

- Good stuff.
Good stuff.

Coming up, Robert De Niro
and Ken Jeong.

- We'll be slurring, drunk,
and racial slurs.

Racial slurs!

- Welcome back to the Comedy
Central Roast of Alec Baldwin.

They say laughter
is the best medicine,

which explains why Dr. Ken
is no longer practicing.

In his head, he's a doctor,

but in his crotch,
he's a shrink.

Count backward from 100,

and we'll wake you when this
painful procedure is over.

Give it up for Hackie Chan,
Ken Jeong.

We about to blow

We about to blow

We about to blow

- Thank you so much.
It is so great to be here.

I'm on--I'm a judge
on "The Masked Singer,"

so it's nice to be
on another show

where you have to guess
who the celebrities are, so...

Caitlyn Jenner.
Okay, oh, boy, strap it on.

Um...

I can see why Caitlyn
decided to transition.

She's been a celebrity
craving privacy,

so she became something that
society was destined to ignore:

a 70-year-old woman.
Now...

I'm kidding.
You look great.

You look like the drummer
for White Snake.

I don't know what--

Robert De Niro, one of our
generation's finest actors.

But let's face it, your recent
movies have been so shitty,

I'm surprised I'm not in them.

Now...

Blake Griffin,
a black guy who looks white

with red hair and freckles.

And by the way, congrats on
booking "The Little Mermaid."

Now...

I look at Blake
and I think, hmm.

Orange is the new black.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Caroline Rhea.

You look like Adele.

Computer.
Now...

Alec's wife is so young,

he introduces them
as "23 and me."

Now...

Alec's daughter Ireland
is here.

She might as well
be named Zimbabwe,

given the distance
between them.

Am I right?

But we're really here
to celebrate the real star

of "30 Rock" and "SNL,"

but let's be honest,
Tina Fey said no.

Alec, no offense, but you
weren't the star of "30 Rock."

And with De Niro here,
you're not even the star

of your own
fucking roast, you know?

It's like--
and it's like, I'm sorry.

You know what I mean?

And, like, with Justin Bieber
as your nephew,

you're not even the star
of your own fucking family.

It's just like--

It's sad--

Sad!

Or whatever you do.

Alec, in all seriousness,
I first met you

at a Stand Up to Cancer benefit
a few years ago

where you hosted it,

and your compassion
and connection

to every single cancer survivor
in the room

still moves me to this day.

And thank you for letting me
be a part of this.

It's an honor.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

- This next roaster
is a surprise,

and, Alec, you are in
for such a treat.

Live, from your first marriage,
it's Ireland Baldwin.

- Oh!

- Hi, Dad.

I'm Ireland.

It's good to be here.

I almost didn't even know
about it because I haven't

checked my voice mails
from my dad

from the last, like,
12 years or something.

I actually have a lot in common
with the people on this roast

because like them,
I don't really

know you that well either.

While a lot of people
know my dad

as that guy from the
"Mission: Impossible" movies

or that guy from "30 Rock,"

I know him as that guy
from, like,

half of my birthday parties.

It was, like, half.

By the way,
"Mission: Impossible"

is what I call getting
my dad to apologize.

A lot of people
only know my dad

as an angry guy,
but he's more than some lunatic

who loses his temper.

He also loses Emmys and Oscars

and custody of
his firstborn child.

Am I right?
Shit.

But listen, let me just
set the record straight.

He was a great dad.

I still remember
when he would tuck me in

and yell me a bedtime story.

My absolute favorite
and his favorite,

"The Three
Little Thoughtless Pigs."

Dad, your
"Always be closing" speech

in "Glengarry Glen Ross"
was great.

At least you taught someone
their ABCs, right?

It hasn't been easy
being the daughter

of an iconic movie star.

But I'm not here to talk
about my mother.

Or her Oscar.

I'm here to talk to you,
Dad, finally,

without a court-appointed
social worker.

It's so nice
that we can do that.

That's so sweet.
Um, it's okay.

I turned out fine.
I've been modeling,

which is a really fun gig.

Honestly, it's just nice
for a Baldwin

to be on a runway
without starting beef

with American Airlines.

I was so surprised--

I was so surprised when I heard
about that plane incident.

I mean, why would
you even start shit

with the one place that's
still playing your movies?

It's nice to see some new faces
and some older faces

and some newly
reconstructed faces.

A lot of people
don't know this--

A lot of people don't know
this, but when I was a kid,

Caitlyn Jenner was my
middle school track coach.

You taught me to jump over
the greatest hurdle of all,

which is my father's approval.

Do you know what it's like

having a gold medal athlete
as your track coach?

Blake, you get it, right?

You've disappointed a Jenner

that's completely
out of your league.

- Did he really
date your daughter?

- Yeah.
- He did?

- You should have married her.

And now you're never
gonna get a ring.

It's good to be here,
but it would have been nice

to have the whole family here.

Unfortunately, Comedy Central
couldn't arrange for this roast

to be held in 1997.

Oh, wait,
and speaking of things

that weren't held in 1997--

But seriously, Dad,
I'm so proud of you.

You're a wonderful father
and an amazing actor,

and I'm thrilled to be here
to see you celebrated tonight.

After all the years
of giving verbal abuse,

it's finally time
you received some.

Right?

Shit.

So before I leave, I'd just
like to say something

you've never said to me.

Good night.

- Well done.
Well done.

You did a good job, yeah.

- Still to come...

- You're very funny,
you little bitch.

- Adam Carolla
and Robert De Niro.

- Alec, I'm just sorry
I couldn't say

what I really wanted to say.

Fuck you.

- Welcome back
to this bullshit.

Our next roaster
is Adam Carolla.

He's known for his massive
straight white teeth

that dwarf his dwindling
straight white audience.

He was on "The Man Show"
but was replaced by Joe Rogan.

He had the number one podcast
but was replaced by Joe Rogan.

But he's here tonight because
we couldn't get Joe Rogan.

Adam Carolla.

- Oh, Sean Hayes, everybody.

So funny.

No, seriously, I love the gays.

I've always kind of wondered
what it'd be like

being blown by a guy,
and, um,

I imagine it'd be a lot like
wearing Crocs.

Sure, it feels great.

Until you look down.

Here's how fucked up
Hollywood is.

Bruce Jenner announces
he's transitioning

and everybody applauds it,

but when they find out
he's a Republican,

they're outraged.

Cut your dick off, hero.

Cut taxes, Hitler.

You shouldn't be laughing
at that shit.

Ken Jeong.

Ken, we all saw your tiny dick
in "The Hangover."

I haven't seen a dick
that small

since I took my nephew
ice fishing.

Let's move from small dicks
to big names.

Robert De Niro is here.

Alec Baldwin here.

Both amazing actors,

but if I learned one thing

from all the
Harvey Weinstein stories,

well, it's that pretty much
anyone can act.

I mean, what other profession
works this way?

You want to be a commercial
airline pilot?

Hmm, let me think.

Okay, just blow that fat Jew.

We'll have you up
in the air by noon.

This is your profession.

You wanna be a dental hygienist?

Watch that fat Jew beat off
into a ficus plant.

We'll have you.

Bob, I know you're going
through a tough divorce.

It's rough.

It's hard to meet ladies,
especially at your age.

I mean, might I suggest
the new dating app

for old fucks like yourself.

It's called carbon dating.

Don't worry.
Carbon is black.

Robert just dates the sisters.

On to the man of the hour,
Alec Baldwin.

We all love Alec's impressions.

The impressions of Trump,

the impressions his ring leaves

on the foreheads
of photographers.

So many classic lines
over an amazing career.

"Coffee is for closers."

"You ask me
if I have God complex.

I am God."

And who could forget,

"Welcome back to 'Match Game'"?

Alec, you're a great friend
and a great actor,

and if I can rant
for just one minute here,

you're a great sport.

You have a great sense
of humor,

unlike the social
justice warriors

who are gonna be out there
tweeting that all

the jokes are "problematic."

You people can blow me,
you pussy fuck sticks.

This is a goddamn roast.

Comedians need a place
where they can be offensive

without your bullshit
fake outrage,

you hashtag heroes.

You already ruined the Oscars.

You're all woke and no joke!

So if you were offended
by anything said tonight,

please give a reach-around
to your emotional support dog

and shut the fuck up.

This is our safe space,
bitches.

But even if
the cancel culture wins,

Jeff Ross would still be
the roastmaster.

- Thank you, Adam.
Thank you.

- At the Arby's in Glendale.

Thank you very much.
Love you, bud.

- That was fucking great, man.
That was great.

Alec Baldwin,

Robert De Niro,

and Jeff Ross.

- I just wanna keep
roasting him

until he punches me
in the face.

- Robert De Niro is considered

one of the greatest
living actors.

Yeah.

"The Deer Hunter,"
"Godfather II,"

"Raging Bull,"

these are all the types
of movies

he stopped doing long ago.

He's won two Oscars
and his balls are nominated

for a SAG award,
Robert De Niro.

I know.

I know.

What the fuck am I doing here?

This is like that
Moscow hotel room

where a bunch of whores
pissed all over Donald Trump.

I mean, this is what you get
for being Alec's friend.

On nights like these,
you expect your friends--

the people you've worked
with closely--to show up.

Tina Fey,
Tracy Morgan,

Thomas the Tank Engine,
Meryl Streep.

Not one.

Instead we have a group--

You can't even find them on,
uh, Wikipedia.

And--and, like,
who are these people?

I mean, who the fuck are you?

I mean, Ann Coulter, everybody.

Nikki is what's known
as a dirty comedian,

and I don't mean her material.

I mean she hasn't washed
her pussy since Memorial Day.

Caroline Rhea.

Caroline.

Caroline did over 160 episodes
of "Sabrina the Teenage Witch."

That's a lot of teenagers.

Not R. Kelly numbers,
but still.

Pretty impressive.

Sean Hayes.
Where's Sean Hayes?

Over here.

I was in "Goodfellas,"

and I'm guessing Sean has also
been in good fellas...

uh, and some bad fellas

and more than a few sailors,
I'm sure.

Caitlyn Jenner.

Now, there's something
different about you,

but I--I can't I can't put
my finger in it.

Yes, you can!

- Yes, you can!

Comedy Central wanted
to have Caitlyn on a roast

after her surgery so now
they can pay her 20 % less.

When I did "Raging Bull,"
I had to gain 60 pounds

in four months.
Jeff, what's your excuse?

Ken Jeong once stopped
his stand-up show

to help a woman in the audience
who was having a seizure.

Hey, if a seizure is what
it takes to stop him

from doing stand-up,
I'm for that.

- Adam Carolla.

Adam promotes a drink called
the Brosé Cocktail.

Finally, a light,
refreshing summer drink

for date rapists.

And now for the only
true movie star on this stage,

me.

Critics say I have a unique
quality as an actor.

I actually like Alec Baldwin,

and I'm happy to be here
for Alec,

but honestly, I'm here to teach
Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner,

and Blake Griffin how
to fuck black women.

Here's an historical fact.

Alec's ancestors came over
on the "Mayflower."

Alec's great-great-great-
great-great-grandfather

was the first
white man to punch

a Native American in the face.

That's a fact.

Now Alec is doing it
to paparazzi.

And he doesn't care
who he hits.

I once saw him take a selfie
and punch his own face.

You've starred in huge
blockbuster movies, Alec,

and now you're hosting
a fucking game show?

I'd say you're about a year
and a half away

from doing commercials
for reverse mortgages.

One thing I love about Alec is
that like the Subway pizza rat

and crazy people fighting
over parking spaces,

he's quintessential New York.

He is.

Kinda like Woody Allen,

except Alec only screamed
at his daughter

and Woody, well, uh,
I don't know.

He--I don't know.

Alec, I wanna thank you
for inviting me to do this.

Now "Rocky and Bullwinkle"
won't be the most

embarrassing thing
I've ever done.

And I have to mention Alec's
great portrayal

of Donald Trump on "SNL."

He fucking nails it...

Exposing Trump for the
ridiculous malignant narcissist

bully sociopath he is.

It's not fair, though,
because Alec doesn't even have

to act to do that.

Al--Alec, you're so convincing,

I wanna punch both
of you in the face.

Alec, it's been a privilege
playing Robert Mueller

to your Donald Trump.

I just wish Mueller had
roasted Trump as frankly

and ferociously
as we roasted you.

Alec, you're a good sport,

and I know I've been
rough on you,

but I also love you,
and I say that now because

like Robert Kraft
at a massage parlor,

I want my roast to have
a happy ending.

Salut.

- Coming up, Jeff Ross.

- Always be closing.
I'm closing the roast tonight.

- And Alec Baldwin.

- What's with this tie?

Do we have any, uh, Tie-agra?

- Welcome back to the Comedy
Central Roast of Alec Baldwin.

This is my least favorite
part of the roast because

now I have to spend five
minutes sitting over there

in the stinking hot ass mark
left by Jeff Ross.

Give it up for
roastmaster general Jeff Ross.

- Thank you, everybody.
Happy roast, everyone.

Happy roast.

What a crowd!

Here I am again following
fucking De Niro.

Great job, Aging Bull.

I learned something tonight.

Alec is the name you give
your son if you want him

to grow up and be an asshole.

Caitlyn, you were
fucking awesome tonight.

I just wanna say that.

You were really awesome
tonight.

But I wouldn't fuck you
with Bruce Jenner's dick.

Remember when your picture
was on Wheaties boxes

back when people could still
look at you when they eat?

How about a hand
for our guest of honor,

Mr. Alec "Bobblehead" Baldwin?

Alec is actually my neighbor
in Greenwich Village,

which was a pretty safe
neighborhood

until you fucking moved in.

You're a big star.

I watched you get arrested
for punching a guy

over a parking spot.

Next time, valet your car

and help your
brother's business.

Help a brother out, Alec!

I'm speaking as a big fan.
I love all your movies, Alec.

I loved you in "The Departed,"

which is also what Caitlyn
calls her penis.

And of course, Alec,
you got your Oscar nomination

for "The Cooler,"

which is where Caitlyn
keeps her penis.

And of course,
your first big break

was "The Hunt for Red October,"

which is what Caitlyn
calls her vagina.

Alec, I first saw you
in the movie "Pearl Harbor,"

which was worse than
the actual Pearl Harbor.

Halfway through, I was rooting
for the Japanese.

Any fans of Alec Baldwin's

Donald Trump impression
here tonight?

Okay.

Okay.

What a lot of people
don't realize is that

for the last three years,

Donald Trump is actually doing
an Alec Baldwin impression.

He calls people names,
he yells at the press,

he married an immigrant
half his age.

The only difference is that
Trump calls his daughter a fox,

not a pig.

Here's to you, Ireland.

Great job, Ireland.
You didn't oink once.

What a babe.
I love that movie.

Bob, this is nothing for you.
You've seen it all.

Robert De Niro's
been around so long,

he was God's father.

Bob, I have to give you props.

You're owner of my favorite
sushi restaurant.

Any fans of Nobu?

Yeah.

I love that place.

By the way,
Nobu is also what

Bob's girlfriend says
when he asks her

to dress up like sexy
Harriet Tubman.

No, boo!

Caroline Rhea.

I--this is my friend
for a long time.

I love this woman so much.

You look like
the schoolteacher

all the kids hide behind
during a shooting.

If you don't know Chris Redd's
work on "Saturday Night Live,"

he does all the impressions
that Kenan Thompson

is too fat to play.

Big future, bro.
Big future.

You look like a blind kid tried
to draw Michael B. Jordan.

And I say that with affection.

Adam Carolla, very interesting
podcast tonight.

Oh, come on, Adam.

I love you.
You were great tonight,

but you gotta own up to it.

You once said,
"Women aren't funny."

Well, let me tell
you something.

They are,
and you should have hired some

to write your jokes tonight.

- Oh, fuck you.
Fuck you.

- Hi, Nikki.

You look great tonight.

You look like the photo that
Caitlyn showed her doctor.

- Great to see my pal
Ken Jeong.

Ken is a doctor,
a comic,

and an actor,

or as it's known back home
in Korea,

a failure.

- Congratulations are in order.

Your wife and you,

you just had identical
twin daughters.

Congratulations.

Ken told me--Ken told me
he can't tell them apart.

Well, now you know
how the rest of us feel.

- You're a good guy, Ken.

Thank you for letting
them live.

- Caitlyn, it's frustrating
to think about.

You supported Donald Trump
despite his policies.

How can someone who chooses
to be a woman

vote against a woman's right
to choose?

Just 'cause you're built like
Sarah Huckabee Sanders

doesn't mean you have
to vote like her.

Who transitions at 60?

That's like neutering your dog
right before he dies.

Bruce Jenner wanted
to be here tonight,

but some
cut his dick off.

Bruce, blink twice
if you're in there!

I gotta give it up to you.

You're the first transgender
person ever to do

the Comedy Central Roast.

- Yeah!

I believe you're normalizing
what should be normal,

and you proved tonight you're
not just a great athlete--

the greatest athlete--
you're also a great sport,

which I think
is really important.

And you're an inspiration
to Republican transgender

Olympic decathlon
winners everywhere.

Mr. Alec Baldwin,

thank you for doing this
tonight for charity.

And to be honest,

making fun of you wasn't easy
because you have it all.

A great career,
a beautiful family,

good looks,
intelligence,

and you know what?

You should run
for president someday.

Yeah.

I think you got a good shot

'cause in addition to all that,

you're also a piece of shit.

Coffee is for closers.
Good night, everybody.

I love you guys.

- You never disappoint.
- Oh!

- Thank you, man.

- Coming up...

- Why are you wearing
those fucking shoes?

I'm sorry.
I yelled at my daughter.

- Already.

- Alec Baldwin.

- The chance to have
the Empire State Building

shoved up my ass
one brick at a time,

and who wouldn't be looking
forward to that?

- And now for the man
of the hour, Alec.

We've known each other
for a very long time,

so when you asked me to host,
I didn't hesitate to say yes,

especially knowing it was
for such a great charity

called Exploring the Arts.

You've been a great
sport tonight,

a great friend over the years,

and I love you
very, very much.

Uh, thank you for having me...

is something your kids
will never say.

He's living proof that yoga
doesn't work for everyone.

For your own safety,
no flash photography.

Alec Baldwin.

- Shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up.

Sit down.
Come on.

Come on.

What a night.

You all talked about me
berating the paparazzi,

marrying a woman half my age,

and so many other
memorable achievements.

I'm glad you all had fun
and a sizable amount

of TV exposure at my expense,

but just--there's one more
charitable act

that I've done that
I won't get credit for.

I'm a generous guy,
so sharing the spotlight

is my gift to all of you.

But at the same time, I want
to set all of you straight.

Not you, Sean.

If your father couldn't
do that, how can I?

- Sean, you proved to the world
that gay characters

could be successful
in prime time,

and tonight you proved
once and for all

that Neil Patrick Harris
wasn't available.

Sean, you have the face
of a ventriloquist doll

and the asshole of a much larger
ventriloquist doll.

Blake Griffin, my gift to you
is bringing awareness

to whatever tragic skin disease
it is you have.

You're a remarkable man, Blake.

I wish we were as close
as your eyes are.

Blake Griffin,
tonight you demonstrated

sitting while others score.

Adam Carolla,

I assume you're here to measure
all of us for cages.

Adam, you might have
your own vineyard,

but you do most of your
white wining on your podcast.

Have you heard it?

Have you heard his podcast?

It's fantastic.

Number two in
the mass shooter demo.

Adam's wife has her own podcast
too.

It's called "Can I Speak Now?"

Adam Carolla also hosted a show

for car geeks called
"Top Gear."

His favorite episode
was finding

the most fuel-efficient car

to drive into a crowd
in Charlottesville.

We're all learning.
It's all we can do.

I didn't even know what
a Nikki Glaser was

before tonight,
and I still don't.

Were you the flight attendant
I was rude to?

I'm sorry if you were,

but I don't regret
finishing my game

of "Words With Friends"
on that flight.

I sniped an incredible
92-pointer with "zymurgy."

Zymurgy, Bob.

Isn't that your
second wife's name?

No, wait.

No, wait, it's the medication
Jeff Ross takes

for losing his battle
with seepage.

- I don't know what that means.

- What devastating comment
could I make about Nikki Glaser

that she hasn't already
muttered to herself

in a mirror at Equinox?

That's so true.

That's so tr--

- Caroline Rhea.
Caroline, I just love you.

You are so open and honest.

Backstage she told all of us

she hasn't been laid
in so long,

she went through
Caitlyn Jenner's trash

looking for dick.

But you were great tonight.

You were great tonight.

This is the longest you've gone
without mentioning

"Sabrina the Teenage Witch."

True story,

Caroline visited my sick mother
when she was dying

of cancer in the hospital.

We sat for a bit,
and then she turned on the TV

and said, "Sabrina
the Teenage Witch" is on.

Caroline, you totally get
the assist on that suicide.

My mom attacked
that morphine button

like she was trying to buzz in
on "Jeopardy!"

Ken Jeong, I'm proud of you.

Normally you come across
like an Asian stereotype,

but tonight your lips
totally matched

the words you were saying.

I'm--

I'm such a fan of your work.

The way you flipped that
shrimp tail into your hat

on my birthday was just genius.

I realize I'm not very big
in the Asian community,

but I suppose
there's a good reason.

The hardest possible title
for you to pronounce

is "Glengarry Glen Ross."

Jeff Ross, everybody.
Jeff Ross.

I'm gonna be honest.

I'm surrounded
by so many friends,

but you are a mandatory
fixture here.

It's like you bought
a beautiful new house

and they wouldn't let you
chop down this one fat,

ugly tree
for some stupid reason.

Jeff Ross is obsessed
with food.

He meets the
Domino's guy halfway.

- At his birthday when he
blew out the candles,

he wished for another cake.

Caitlyn Jenner is an American
gold medalist

who changed genders
and somehow still managed

to be the least interesting
member of her family.

Her strength and beauty
are as hypnotic

as a Salvador Dalí painting
of Kellyanne Conway.

You look like a real doll

that's been fucked a little
too close to the fireplace.

Chris Redd.

As you know,
you were one

of the true highlights for me
when I appeared on "SNL"

all last season.
You're great.

He's doing a new character
at "SNL"

called "comedian in car
getting coffee

for the rest of the cast."

Chris, you are so talented.

I just hope everyone
can recognize you

without the credits
rolling over your face.

Robert De Niro, everybody!
Robert De Niro!

Thank you for bringing--

thank you for bringing some

actual star power
to this event.

Robert De Niro is a legend
when it comes

to preparing for roles.

Before "Taxi Driver," he drove
15-hour days in a cab.

Before "Raging Bull,"
he gained 60 pounds.

And before we filmed
"The Good Shepherd" together,

he fucked a sheep.

It was really weird.

But that's why he's the best.

If you're gonna be
the GOAT,

you gotta fuck a few sheep.

So you all think I have rage?
I don't have rage.

I have passion.

Passion like Robert De Niro
at a Philadelphia strip club.

Passion like Ken Jeong
dry cleaning the matcha

out of Sean Hayes'
capri pants.

I've got a bigger heart
than the medical condition

that will kill Blake Griffin
in his 40s.

And I have a brain, Nikki.

And balls, Caitlyn.

And I'm more than a podcast,
Carolla.

My emergency contact
is not my cat, Caroline.

And I don't eat my own semen,
Jeff.

And unlike Chris Redd
in a photo at night,

I showed up.

And so did you.

And I wanna thank
all of you for that.

I love all of you.

And if you don't believe me,

just check your voice mails.

Say what you want.
I'm still here.

I didn't do it by starring
in hit after hit.

I didn't do it
by keeping my cool.

I did it my way.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Paul Anka.

Regrets, he had a few

But then again,
too few to mention

He did what he had to do

He saw it through

Without exemption

He planned
each charted course

Each careful step
along the byway

And more,
much more than this

He did it his way

Alec Baldwin!

For what is a man

What has he got

If not himself,
then he has naught

Just say the things

You truly feel

And are the words

Of one who kneels

The record shows

I took the blows

And did it

My way

- Thank you.
Thank you.