Original subtitles

- And though I'm no Olivier,

if he fought Sugar Ray, he would say

that the thing ain't the ring, it's the play.

So give me a stage where this bull here can rage,

and though I can fight, I'd much rather recite.

That's entertainment.

- Alec, what are you doing in my dressing room?

- You talking to me? - Alec, don't do that.

What are you, afraid to be yourself?

- A little bit, I am. A little bit.

- Shake it off, Alec. This is your night.

Go for it. You can do it.

- You never got me down, Bob. You never got me down, Bob.

- Put that coffee down.

- Pumpkin spice latte? Bob, come on.

- You bitch. We're gonna roast the fuck

out of you tonight.

Regrets, I've had a few

But then again, too few to mention

But I did what I had to do

I saw it through without exemption

I've planned each charted course

Each careful step along the highway

And more, much more than this

I did it my way

- This is the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin.

And now please welcome your roastmaster, Sean Hayes.

- Thank you. That's so nice. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, everybody. Welcome.

Welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin.

They say you only roast the ones you love,

but tonight we said fuck it.

Alec, I think we can all agree,

is a great actor, an incredible philanthropist,

and a huge dick.

Can someone please explain to Ken Jeong

what a huge dick is?

We got right into it.

Uh, it's great to see all the diversity on the stage, though.

We have a gay, trans, black, Asian, mixed.

I don't know whether to roast these people

or register them to vote.

Okay?

Let's get to the real reason why we're all here tonight.

To meet Robert De Niro.

Robert, by the way, what's a legend like you

doing at a comedy roast?

I mean, is this the same Robert De Niro

that did "Little Fockers" and "Dirty Grandpa" and...

Yeah, I guess it kind of makes sense, yeah.

I can't wait until someone

makes you an offer you can refuse.

We've got NBA all-star Blake Griffin tonight.

No offense, Blake, but I am a better ball handler than you.

Uh, Caitlyn Jenner is here.

I can't believe you're here, wow.

You've got balls, girl.

Yeah.

Caitlyn, being here tonight is braver

than anything you've ever done.

But don't worry, any parts you don't like can be cut.

Now, uh, without further a-douche,

let's take a look at Alec's package

before it makes any more Baldwins.

- Ladies and gentleman, the actor.

- Execute.

Jack Donaghy.

You ask me if I have a God complex?

Put that coffee down.

Cookies are for closers.

I am God.

Next time, Jack, write a goddamn memo.

No one can resist my Schweddy balls.

- That phenomenon of nature called the actor.

- Stella! - What is he?

- Alec Baldwin is the single greatest actor of all time.

I love rock and roll

Rock and roll is the devil's music.

And they love me way more than they love Alec Baldwin.

- Actors live continually in the glare of the spotlight.

- Baldwin was kicked off a plane

after refusing to turn off his phone.

- Their comings and goings are reported daily in the press.

- What job did you want to do

that you failed at that you're doing this job?

- For actors, there is no such thing as a private life.

- You are a rude, thoughtless little pig.

I'll give you a reason to be afraid of me!

I'm your host, Alec Baldwin. - I know the score

- Many a man imagines himself

with his arms around a beautiful actress.

- Don't tire him out too bad on the honeymoon.

I'm gonna kill the bear!

- USDA certified lean - Oh!

I'm the man

- I'm a mighty great white shark, Lemon,

and you are a remora clinging to me

with your suction cup head.

You can't break me down

I got gas in the tank

- I like to do my own dirty work.

I got money in the bank

- That's a lot of money, man.

I got news for you, baby

You're looking at the man

- Whoops! Always be closing.

This is not a movie. This is my fucking life.

- A star of stage and screen, the one and only Alec Baldwin.

- And now the moment only he's been waiting for, Alec Baldwin.

Don't worry, Alec, nothing said here tonight

will be meaner than what you left

on your daughter's voice mail.

Alec once said that I was like a brother to him,

which is why we haven't talked in ten years.

Of course, I wasn't his first choice to host tonight.

His first choice was Tracy Morgan,

but even Tracy said,

"I'd rather go shopping at Walmart

with the Walmart driver who hit me."

A lot of people think Alec is the best Baldwin brother,

but someone saying you're the best Baldwin brother

is kind of like your doctor saying,

"Good news, you have the best kind of cancer."

Alec almost got the role of Batman in 1989,

but the part went to Michael Keaton

because he actually had chemistry with Kim Basinger.

- I never thought of that.

- Of course, Alec's true passion

has always been the theater.

Alec loves to hit the stage because it can't press charges.

Alec used to be a belligerent drunk

before he became a belligerent sober person.

It's true, Alec had a substance abuse problem in the past,

but he worked through it and hasn't done

anything of substance in 20 years.

Alec is a romantic.

He met his first wife on a movie set

and his second wife on a swing set.

Her name is Hilaria, and what's even more "hilaria"

is they already have four kids together.

But he finally got it right.

His wife is a calming presence and an amazing yoga instructor.

She was able to get Alec into this one position

where he has to work until he dies.

The good part about having kids late in life:

young, strong pallbearers.

Now, Alec, sit back, unclench your fists,

and I promise, this will be the funniest thing

you've ever been a part of that Tina Fey

didn't carry you through.

Our first roaster is Nikki Glaser.

If you don't recognize Nikki, it's probably because

you were drunk when you went home with her.

Give it up for the person you'll remember as

that lady who went up first, Nikki Glaser.

- Sean Hayes!

Keep it going for the reason

Mike Pence says we have hurricanes.

You look like the little man on top of a wedding cake

that a bakery would refuse to make for you.

"Will & Grace" was really the best you could do.

It just...

Just Jack! Just Jack is--

it's also what I'm gonna do in my hotel room alone

after sitting next to Blake Griffin all night.

Jesus Christ.

You're so hot. What the fuck?

You're so--I'd fuck you in front of my grandparents.

I--that's how--

I almost want to, you know?

I feel like Mimi would be proud.

Blake, you look like a black guy

that got made by a printer running out of ink.

That's--

Yeah.

Chris Redd is here because Comedy Central

wasn't sure if Blake was black or not.

You look great, Chris.

Uh, you always dress like a nine-year-old

who just found $1,000 on the sidewalk.

At this point, like, what can you say

about Jeff Ross that he hasn't heard before?

It's like--uh, oh. "I respect you."

Um, "You look nice tonight."

"Here's your salad, sir." Stuff like that.

Okay, Jeff, you look like if Popeye only ate Popeye's.

Checks out.

- Come back, no. - No, Jeff, no.

Don't break the couch. Your face...

Your face has a dad bod.

Let's--

Jeff gets really hot girls and I just--I don't--

how do you get 10s?

Teens, I'm sorry, I read that wrong.

How do you get--

you have the sex appeal of a gymnastics doctor.

I just don't understand.

Robert De Niro is here.

Looking like ALF.

I can't even believe I get to share this stage

with you tonight, Robert De Niro.

And by this stage, I mean the final one of your life.

It's--

I'm sorry.

I don't feel right about any of this.

Caitlyn Jenner, I just want to thank you

for all you've done for the trans movement

and the size 16 stiletto industry.

You were such an incredible athlete.

People forget just how fast you once ran

from your first family to go be on a reality show.

- I like that one.

- Seriously, though, I know being a new mom is hard.

But even Casey Anthony knows

the current location of her daughter.

- Oh, my God.

- Okay.

Thank you.

You're a Republican. I don't know why.

You've already gained control over a woman's body.

What does that party have to do to lose your support?

Be your son?

Caitlyn, I know you've only publicly identified

as a woman for a few years, but I just want you to know

that I know that, deep down, you have always been a.

And, uh--

I spell it with a K, though, for you.

You're great. Thank you, you're great.

Alec Baldwin, what an honor to be here

roasting Justin Bieber's wife's oldest, fattest uncle.

It's like--

I'll never forget that voice mail,

um, that--what you called your daughter Ireland

a thoughtless little pig.

Um, that's got to be one of the worst things

you can call your daughter.

After Ireland, actually. That's--

that name, yikes.

Speaking of terrible names, your wife's name is Hilaria.

Is it "Hi-lair-ia"? It's--it's "Hi-lair-ia"?

- "E-lar-ia" - "E-lar-ia"?

Oh, it's so stupid. Okay, um--

It doesn't matter. She's so hot.

Dude, she's so hot and fit.

Does getting screamed at burn calories?

You have four kids under the age of six.

I just--how do you do it?

I mean, isn't your semen just oatmeal at this point?

Oh, Robert just got excited when I said "oatmeal."

He started salivating.

Your--

your night nurse is warming it up backstage.

It'll be ready in the break.

I'm such a fan of the Baldwins.

I've never been so sure that

four people have buried a hooker together.

In all seriousness, I want to thank Alec.

Um, in his memoir, he bravely admitted

that he had once considered suicide.

And I just want to say that that meant a lot to me

because I have also

considered your suicide.

And I have some ideas.

I even know what I'm gonna wear.

Alec, thank you so much for having me here tonight.

Thank you.

- You are fucking funny. Holy shit.

Coming up, Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner,

Adam Carolla, Jeff Ross, Ken Jeong,

Caroline Rhea, Robert De Niro, and Blake Griffin.

- Are you gonna do jokes about wanting to fuck me?

- Yeah, now I am. - Okay, good, yes.

- Welcome back to the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin.

Our next roaster is Blake Griffin.

He almost married Kendall Jenner,

but unfortunately, they're no longer

accepting weirdos in that family.

He's half black, half white, and neither half is funny.

I usually say a third thing,

but I don't know shit about sports.

Blake Griffin.

- Guys, give it up for Sean Hayes, huh?

Doing a great job. Uh, Sean, you know what?

I'm not gonna stand up here and run a bunch

of hacky gay jokes into the ground, all right?

I'm not "Will & Grace."

Larry Bird is here. I mean Nikki Glaser is here.

- That hurts, Blake. That hurts.

- Uh, you know, the only difference

between Larry Bird and Nikki Glaser

is Larry could actually pass as 33.

- Devastating!

- I'm sorry. You were so nice earlier.

I--

I just--yeah.

Nikki, look at you.

You damaged little climber.

You know, Nikki was the only girl

kicked off Jeffery Epstein's island for networking.

Adam Carolla is here.

You know, Adam looks like the kind of guy

who calls black athletes "thoroughbreds."

- Caroline Rhea from "Sabrina" is here, give it up.

Give it up.

Caroline, if you're here, that means Salem the cat

must have turned this down, huh?

Sorry, Mr. De Niro, we know how much

you love that black pussy.

Nice to meet you, by the way.

Big fan.

Chris Redd looks like a police sketch

of someone doing blackface.

You look like Nephew Jemima.

- Oh, shit!

Don't talk about my auntie like that.

- Dude, dude, dude.

- Why do you always look like you just got your braces off?

Speaking of Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner is here.

Uh, uh--I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Like Caitlyn, my transitions are really awkward.

Caitlyn completed her gender reassignment in 2017,

finally confirming that no one in that family

wants a white dick.

Oh.

- Oh.

- Thought she was coming after me there for a second.

Caitlyn's pussy is so young...

- How young is it?

- Alec just called it a rude, thoughtless little pig.

Look, look, for real, I know we're all here

making fun of Caitlyn, but honestly,

I want to take this moment to publicly thank you.

As an athlete, I want to thank you for your bravery.

As a human, I want to thank you for the doors you've opened.

And on behalf of the entire NBA

and half of the rappers on the "Billboard" charts,

I want to thank you for giving your daughters

their daddy issues.

And now the man of the hour, Mr. Alec Baldwin.

Give it up.

Alec, I can tell you're from New York

because just like the Knicks, you've somehow

gotten worse every year since the 90s.

You know, Alec kind of looks like a team owner

that saves money by massaging the players himself.

And I played for Donald Sterling, so...

You might think Alec's had an easy life,

but he's had hardships.

He once had someone take his parking spot.

Another time, a flight attendant

asked him to turn his phone off before takeoff.

And according to Alec's reactions,

those are the two worst things to ever happen to him.

In the NBA, we have a term for people like you.

It's a bad teammate.

Like, you were in "Glengarry Glen Ross"

with Kevin Spacey and you couldn't even tell him

that ABC doesn't mean "always blow children"?

I would have told him.

Uh, but you know what, I'm happy I'm here tonight

because tonight I learned you're a family man,

you give to charity, and you're a big enough man

to sit up here and let us roast you.

You truly are a kind, thoughtful little pig.

- Coming up, Caitlyn Jenner and Caroline Rhea.

- Dude, it's about to happen. This shit's gonna get real.

- Our next roaster is Caroline Rhea.

Yes.

Remember the hot aunt from "Sabrina the Teenage Witch"?

We got the other one.

She's had a pretty tough year,

what with all the Dress Barns closing.

But she just flew in on the world's

strongest broomstick, Caroline Rhea.

- Oh, yes.

I know what you're thinking. It's Amy Schumer

with the old-age face app.

Sean Hayes is going to be hard to top,

but plenty of men have managed to do it.

Alec, where are your brothers tonight?

God knows they're not working.

Let's face it. No one wants to be here.

The person who went to the greatest lengths

to not show up tonight was Bruce Jenner.

- Yay.

- Caitlyn Jenner, proof that older women in Hollywood

get fewer parts.

You transitioned in your 60s.

Way to get in on the glory years, yeah.

And out of the glory holes. Um...

I actually respect that you fully transitioned

instead of stopping halfway like Sean Hayes.

Dr. Ken Jeong is here, yes.

That's right, Ken is a licensed doctor

who went through years and years of higher education

and yet still thought the Unicorn

on "The Masked Singer" was Beyoncé.

Yeah.

So likely.

Was it an online medical degree?

Oh.

Did you become a doctor so you could find your own penis

because God knows no one else was looking for it?

No. Oh.

Speaking of shrimp, I saw your special on Netflix and, um,

did not know they filmed open mics.

So. Whoa!

Jeff Ross, you are a staple on the roasting circuit

and a predator at high school dances.

Jeff, you are one fat Jewish man.

I feel like you really took

"let my people go" out of context.

Nikki Glaser, it has been driving me crazy all night.

Which 1970s male Olympian did you used to be?

Nikki, you were an inspiration on "Dancing with the Stars."

I had no idea you were deaf.

On your TV show, you asked your parents

if they had ever done anal.

And of course, they said, "After Nikki was born,

we only did anal."

Chris Redd is here, which I can only assume

has something to do with Make-A-Wish.

What can you say about Adam Carolla

that he won't tell you in an insufferable tirade

he's trapped you in?

Robert De Niro.

You have a big movie coming out with Al Pacino and Joe Pesci.

It's three and a half hours long.

Is it just about you guys trying to pee?

Alec and I have known each other for 25 years.

One time, when I was doing "Sabrina the Teenage Witch"

and he was doing Hilaria, the teenage yoga instructor.

Your wife, Hilaria, is in great shape,

but who wouldn't be after pushing around

a 200-pound baby all day?

She's the boss, baby!

Alec Baldwin was a busboy at Studio 54,

which means he had to clean up jizz and coke every night,

which is exactly what Nikki Glaser

looks for in a shampoo.

Oh, Alec, you're the only fat vegetarian I know.

Alec is also an animal rights activist.

He was instrumental in closing down

the Ringling Brothers Circus.

It's true.

The animals were fine,

but three clowns lost their jobs.

Steven, Billy, and Daniel.

Honestly, Alec, it's an honor to be here for you tonight.

It's an honor to be your friend.

I love you like a brother. Like a real brother.

Thank you.

- That was fucking funny. Thank you, that was great.

Still to come, Ireland Baldwin...

- My precious little buttercup. - And Chris Redd.

- Alec, you don't even know what's coming, man.

Thank you for having me on here,

and now, I'ma get in that ass.

- Oh, my God.

Comedy Central has brought us

some amazing young black talent over the years.

Dave Chappelle, Key and Peele, Trevor Noah.

But we're ending that tradition now with Chris Redd.

He's been on "SNL" for a few years,

but he's making his television debut tonight.

Chris Redd.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Give it up for Sean "hazed a lot in high school," everybody.

Ain't he the gayest?

Now, I am the least-known person on this dais

and some people are like, "Who the hell are you?"

And I'm gonna tell you who I am.

I'm the only person in 44 seasons of "SNL"

to actually show up for Alec Baldwin ass.

And for the last time, Alec, man, I am not Michael Che.

, stop calling me that.

Blake, you've got the dumbest face.

You look like a rhinoceros looking for his own horn.

Where is that? Up there, down there?

Little two-eyed cyclops. I don't like it.

Blake, you look like nine different races

all working together to make sure

you never win a championship.

Hey, Caitlyn.

You goddamn hypocrite.

You're, like, against gay marriage.

You voted for Trump.

You're like the Auntie Tom of the trans community.

I mean, okay.

I mean, you did open the door for trans people.

But then you ran in and slammed that shit shut

behind your flat ass.

I like these jokes.

Caroline looks like she leaves her baby in a hot car

to meet firemen.

Look at you over there.

Looking like Caitlyn Jenner got a sex change

at a Build-A-Bear workshop.

Very progressive store. Very progressive.

Jeff Ross looks like Caitlyn's old dick

coming back to haunt her.

But at least it put a suit on, baby.

That's nice.

Adam Carolla's here.

Adam really tells it like it is

if you're also an insecure white supremacist.

I saw you on "Dancing with the Stars," girl.

You got two left hooves, don't you?

Watching Nikki salsa dance was the worst thing

a white person has done to Puerto Ricans

since Trump threw paper towels at them.

Robert De Niro, baby!

It's an honor to be up here with you, man.

And to follow up on our conversation backstage,

no, I have not been on your lawn.

I don't know where you live.

But I do know your ex-wife owns that house now.

You know what I mean?

Once you go black, you never go back.

But you go broke. Right, Bobby?

Yeah? Yeah?

You old, you old, you old, you old.

It's okay.

Robert, man, you've given us so many amazing performances.

"Goodfellas," "Awakenings."

But tonight, man, it's gonna be the best one yet.

It's gonna be the old Italian man

trying to figure out trans pronouns

in front of a live studio audience.

Speaking of people that cut my screen time

every Saturday night,

Alec motherfucking Baldwin, baby.

Please give it up right now for this Emmy-winning,

bread-faced river pig. Give it up.

- What?

- Honestly, Alec, we got a lot in common, man, you know?

We both work on "SNL."

We both fuck women my age.

And we both have to check Instagram

to see what your daughter's up to.

I'm just--

I'm just trying to be the first black man in Ireland.

You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about?

You know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about.

You know what I'm talking about.

She know what I'm talking about.

I'm just playing. I'm not the first, but...

Alec once said black people love him

because he plays Trump on "SNL,"

and that is not why we like you, Alec.

We like you because you have

the same eye color and temperament

of every pit bull that we've loved and had to put down.

I miss you, Tiki.

She used to bark at kids too, you know?

But honestly, Alec, man, I admire you, dog.

You've punched paparazzi, you've yelled at cops,

and you've lived to tell about it.

And you had me here on this roast.

That means a whole lot to me, man.

You my nigga, Alec.

Don't say it back, though. Do not say it back.

- You're fucking funny, man.

You killed it.

Still to come, Ken Jeong...

- You're gonna crush it. - Fuck you.

Oh, you said something nice.

- And Caitlyn Jenner. - I'm coming for you.

- Welcome back to the Comedy Central Roast

of Alec Baldwin.

Tonight I'm happy to announce

Alec Baldwin and Comedy Central have joined

to donate $1 million to a wonderful charity

called Exploring the Arts.

They're great.

Exploring the Arts is an arts education nonprofit

founded by the one and only Tony Bennett

and his wife, Susan Benedetto.

Yes, amazing.

And a good friend of Tony's has something to say to Alec.

- Hey, everybody. It's LG here.

I hope you don't mind me interrupting

the little lovefest you've got going on

to let you know how happy my pal Tony Bennett

and I are that something good is coming out of all of this.

With all the arts funding being cut

out of public schools, Tony Bennett and his wife

founded Exploring the Arts in order to make a difference

by supporting public high schools

and their students to enhance their education

with extensive exposure to all of the creative arts.

Because where would we be without art?

So, Alec, as they continue to destroy you tonight,

just remember that it's all for a cause

near and dear to our hearts.

Love all of you very much. Have a good night being mean.

- Well, she's not Lady Haha.

Our next roaster is Caitlyn Jenner, LGBTQ icon.

Her daughter Kylie

sold a billion dollars worth of makeup,

and she's here wearing all of it tonight.

Give her a big hand even though she already has two of them.

Caitlyn Jenner.

- Oh, oh. That was funny.

Take a good look, kids.

This is what happens

when you eat your Wheaties every morning.

Sean, you're doing a great job.

The only thing working harder than you right now

are my Spanx, baby.

All of you are making these silly comments and jokes

about how I kind of...

cut it off.

Let me remind you.

It made Kylie Jenner,

the youngest self-made billionaire in history.

It made Kendall Jenner,

the highest-paid model in the world.

I raised ten children.

I currently--well, I'm coming up on 20 grandchildren.

I didn't cut it off. I just retired it.

It was done!

You know, as I look back and forth,

I'm not the only one up here who's transitioned.

I used to be Bruce Jenner,

and Robert De Niro used to be Robert fucking De Niro!

You call yourself an actor, Robert.

For 60 years, I had everybody convinced I was a man.

Now, that's acting.

Ken Jeong, is it true your wife is named Tran Ho?

Oh, I want to meet her!

I mean, I'm waiting. I can't wait.

I'll also want to say hello to Kendall's ex.

You don't even have to say his name.

It's just Kendall's ex.

Anyway, Blake Griffin, Blake.

Los Angeles to Detroit.

Let me tell you, I can tell you

a thing or two about switching teams.

Yeah, you're a nice boy, and although it didn't work out

between the two of you, you're always kind of welcome

to come over to my home

and know that you're the second-best

athlete in the house.

Look, there's a lot of hate in the world,

but we can still laugh at ourselves.

And honestly, that's why I'm here tonight.

I've seen it all. I've even gotten threats.

And I want other members of the trans community to know

that if I'm strong enough to sit up here

and be ridiculed all night that you can handle anything.

Except listening to Adam Carolla's podcast.

Oh, my God. That's torture.

Adam Carolla is so boring.

I've never seen a drier pussy in my life.

And that's coming from me!

You see, Adam?

Women are funny.

What can I say? I'm here because I love Alec.

Yes, actually,

I've known Alec for a long time and I consider him family.

We go back. When I was Bruce,

we were like brothers.

So, well, I guess that's one more brother

he'll never talk to again.

To get serious about this, look.

Some of you hate me just because I'm me.

Some of you hate me because of

the things I may have said in the past.

Well, hey, I'm not perfect.

I'm a person trying to figure out my life,

just like everyone else.

All I want is for future generations

of transgendered people to know

that if I can find the courage to be who I am,

then you can too.

If--

If you have a problem with that,

then you can suck my dick.

If you can find it!

Thank you!

- Good stuff. Good stuff.

Coming up, Robert De Niro and Ken Jeong.

- We'll be slurring, drunk, and racial slurs.

Racial slurs!

- Welcome back to the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin.

They say laughter is the best medicine,

which explains why Dr. Ken is no longer practicing.

In his head, he's a doctor,

but in his crotch, he's a shrink.

Count backward from 100,

and we'll wake you when this painful procedure is over.

Give it up for Hackie Chan, Ken Jeong.

We about to blow

We about to blow

We about to blow

- Thank you so much. It is so great to be here.

I'm on--I'm a judge on "The Masked Singer,"

so it's nice to be on another show

where you have to guess who the celebrities are, so...

Caitlyn Jenner. Okay, oh, boy, strap it on.

Um...

I can see why Caitlyn decided to transition.

She's been a celebrity craving privacy,

so she became something that society was destined to ignore:

a 70-year-old woman. Now...

I'm kidding. You look great.

You look like the drummer for White Snake.

I don't know what--

Robert De Niro, one of our generation's finest actors.

But let's face it, your recent movies have been so shitty,

I'm surprised I'm not in them.

Now...

Blake Griffin, a black guy who looks white

with red hair and freckles.

And by the way, congrats on booking "The Little Mermaid."

Now...

I look at Blake and I think, hmm.

Orange is the new black. Yeah.

Yeah.

Caroline Rhea.

You look like Adele.

Computer. Now...

Alec's wife is so young,

he introduces them as "23 and me."

Now...

Alec's daughter Ireland is here.

She might as well be named Zimbabwe,

given the distance between them.

Am I right?

But we're really here to celebrate the real star

of "30 Rock" and "SNL,"

but let's be honest, Tina Fey said no.

Alec, no offense, but you weren't the star of "30 Rock."

And with De Niro here, you're not even the star

of your own fucking roast, you know?

It's like-- and it's like, I'm sorry.

You know what I mean?

And, like, with Justin Bieber as your nephew,

you're not even the star of your own fucking family.

It's just like--

It's sad--

Sad!

Or whatever you do.

Alec, in all seriousness, I first met you

at a Stand Up to Cancer benefit a few years ago

where you hosted it,

and your compassion and connection

to every single cancer survivor in the room

still moves me to this day.

And thank you for letting me be a part of this.

It's an honor. Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

- This next roaster is a surprise,

and, Alec, you are in for such a treat.

Live, from your first marriage, it's Ireland Baldwin.

- Oh!

- Hi, Dad.

I'm Ireland.

It's good to be here.

I almost didn't even know about it because I haven't

checked my voice mails from my dad

from the last, like, 12 years or something.

I actually have a lot in common with the people on this roast

because like them, I don't really

know you that well either.

While a lot of people know my dad

as that guy from the "Mission: Impossible" movies

or that guy from "30 Rock,"

I know him as that guy from, like,

half of my birthday parties.

It was, like, half.

By the way, "Mission: Impossible"

is what I call getting my dad to apologize.

A lot of people only know my dad

as an angry guy, but he's more than some lunatic

who loses his temper.

He also loses Emmys and Oscars

and custody of his firstborn child.

Am I right? Shit.

But listen, let me just set the record straight.

He was a great dad.

I still remember when he would tuck me in

and yell me a bedtime story.

My absolute favorite and his favorite,

"The Three Little Thoughtless Pigs."

Dad, your "Always be closing" speech

in "Glengarry Glen Ross" was great.

At least you taught someone their ABCs, right?

It hasn't been easy being the daughter

of an iconic movie star.

But I'm not here to talk about my mother.

Or her Oscar.

I'm here to talk to you, Dad, finally,

without a court-appointed social worker.

It's so nice that we can do that.

That's so sweet. Um, it's okay.

I turned out fine. I've been modeling,

which is a really fun gig.

Honestly, it's just nice for a Baldwin

to be on a runway without starting beef

with American Airlines.

I was so surprised--

I was so surprised when I heard about that plane incident.

I mean, why would you even start shit

with the one place that's still playing your movies?

It's nice to see some new faces and some older faces

and some newly reconstructed faces.

A lot of people don't know this--

A lot of people don't know this, but when I was a kid,

Caitlyn Jenner was my middle school track coach.

You taught me to jump over the greatest hurdle of all,

which is my father's approval.

Do you know what it's like

having a gold medal athlete as your track coach?

Blake, you get it, right?

You've disappointed a Jenner

that's completely out of your league.

- Did he really date your daughter?

- Yeah. - He did?

- You should have married her.

And now you're never gonna get a ring.

It's good to be here, but it would have been nice

to have the whole family here.

Unfortunately, Comedy Central couldn't arrange for this roast

to be held in 1997.

Oh, wait, and speaking of things

that weren't held in 1997--

But seriously, Dad, I'm so proud of you.

You're a wonderful father and an amazing actor,

and I'm thrilled to be here to see you celebrated tonight.

After all the years of giving verbal abuse,

it's finally time you received some.

Right?

Shit.

So before I leave, I'd just like to say something

you've never said to me.

Good night.

- Well done. Well done.

You did a good job, yeah.

- Still to come...

- You're very funny, you little bitch.

- Adam Carolla and Robert De Niro.

- Alec, I'm just sorry I couldn't say

what I really wanted to say.

Fuck you.

- Welcome back to this bullshit.

Our next roaster is Adam Carolla.

He's known for his massive straight white teeth

that dwarf his dwindling straight white audience.

He was on "The Man Show" but was replaced by Joe Rogan.

He had the number one podcast but was replaced by Joe Rogan.

But he's here tonight because we couldn't get Joe Rogan.

Adam Carolla.

- Oh, Sean Hayes, everybody.

So funny.

No, seriously, I love the gays.

I've always kind of wondered what it'd be like

being blown by a guy, and, um,

I imagine it'd be a lot like wearing Crocs.

Sure, it feels great.

Until you look down.

Here's how fucked up Hollywood is.

Bruce Jenner announces he's transitioning

and everybody applauds it,

but when they find out he's a Republican,

they're outraged.

Cut your dick off, hero.

Cut taxes, Hitler.

You shouldn't be laughing at that shit.

Ken Jeong.

Ken, we all saw your tiny dick in "The Hangover."

I haven't seen a dick that small

since I took my nephew ice fishing.

Let's move from small dicks to big names.

Robert De Niro is here.

Alec Baldwin here.

Both amazing actors,

but if I learned one thing

from all the Harvey Weinstein stories,

well, it's that pretty much anyone can act.

I mean, what other profession works this way?

You want to be a commercial airline pilot?

Hmm, let me think.

Okay, just blow that fat Jew.

We'll have you up in the air by noon.

This is your profession.

You wanna be a dental hygienist?

Watch that fat Jew beat off into a ficus plant.

We'll have you.

Bob, I know you're going through a tough divorce.

It's rough.

It's hard to meet ladies, especially at your age.

I mean, might I suggest the new dating app

for old fucks like yourself.

It's called carbon dating.

Don't worry. Carbon is black.

Robert just dates the sisters.

On to the man of the hour, Alec Baldwin.

We all love Alec's impressions.

The impressions of Trump,

the impressions his ring leaves

on the foreheads of photographers.

So many classic lines over an amazing career.

"Coffee is for closers."

"You ask me if I have God complex.

I am God."

And who could forget,

"Welcome back to 'Match Game'"?

Alec, you're a great friend and a great actor,

and if I can rant for just one minute here,

you're a great sport.

You have a great sense of humor,

unlike the social justice warriors

who are gonna be out there tweeting that all

the jokes are "problematic."

You people can blow me, you pussy fuck sticks.

This is a goddamn roast.

Comedians need a place where they can be offensive

without your bullshit fake outrage,

you hashtag heroes.

You already ruined the Oscars.

You're all woke and no joke!

So if you were offended by anything said tonight,

please give a reach-around to your emotional support dog

and shut the fuck up.

This is our safe space, bitches.

But even if the cancel culture wins,

Jeff Ross would still be the roastmaster.

- Thank you, Adam. Thank you.

- At the Arby's in Glendale.

Thank you very much. Love you, bud.

- That was fucking great, man. That was great.

Alec Baldwin,

Robert De Niro,

and Jeff Ross.

- I just wanna keep roasting him

until he punches me in the face.

- Robert De Niro is considered

one of the greatest living actors.

Yeah.

"The Deer Hunter," "Godfather II,"

"Raging Bull,"

these are all the types of movies

he stopped doing long ago.

He's won two Oscars and his balls are nominated

for a SAG award, Robert De Niro.

I know.

I know.

What the fuck am I doing here?

This is like that Moscow hotel room

where a bunch of whores pissed all over Donald Trump.

I mean, this is what you get for being Alec's friend.

On nights like these, you expect your friends--

the people you've worked with closely--to show up.

Tina Fey, Tracy Morgan,

Thomas the Tank Engine, Meryl Streep.

Not one.

Instead we have a group--

You can't even find them on, uh, Wikipedia.

And--and, like, who are these people?

I mean, who the fuck are you?

I mean, Ann Coulter, everybody.

Nikki is what's known as a dirty comedian,

and I don't mean her material.

I mean she hasn't washed her pussy since Memorial Day.

Caroline Rhea.

Caroline.

Caroline did over 160 episodes of "Sabrina the Teenage Witch."

That's a lot of teenagers.

Not R. Kelly numbers, but still.

Pretty impressive.

Sean Hayes. Where's Sean Hayes?

Over here.

I was in "Goodfellas,"

and I'm guessing Sean has also been in good fellas...

uh, and some bad fellas

and more than a few sailors, I'm sure.

Caitlyn Jenner.

Now, there's something different about you,

but I--I can't I can't put my finger in it.

Yes, you can!

- Yes, you can!

Comedy Central wanted to have Caitlyn on a roast

after her surgery so now they can pay her 20 % less.

When I did "Raging Bull," I had to gain 60 pounds

in four months. Jeff, what's your excuse?

Ken Jeong once stopped his stand-up show

to help a woman in the audience who was having a seizure.

Hey, if a seizure is what it takes to stop him

from doing stand-up, I'm for that.

- Adam Carolla.

Adam promotes a drink called the Brosé Cocktail.

Finally, a light, refreshing summer drink

for date rapists.

And now for the only true movie star on this stage,

me.

Critics say I have a unique quality as an actor.

I actually like Alec Baldwin,

and I'm happy to be here for Alec,

but honestly, I'm here to teach Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner,

and Blake Griffin how to fuck black women.

Here's an historical fact.

Alec's ancestors came over on the "Mayflower."

Alec's great-great-great- great-great-grandfather

was the first white man to punch

a Native American in the face.

That's a fact.

Now Alec is doing it to paparazzi.

And he doesn't care who he hits.

I once saw him take a selfie and punch his own face.

You've starred in huge blockbuster movies, Alec,

and now you're hosting a fucking game show?

I'd say you're about a year and a half away

from doing commercials for reverse mortgages.

One thing I love about Alec is that like the Subway pizza rat

and crazy people fighting over parking spaces,

he's quintessential New York.

He is.

Kinda like Woody Allen,

except Alec only screamed at his daughter

and Woody, well, uh, I don't know.

He--I don't know.

Alec, I wanna thank you for inviting me to do this.

Now "Rocky and Bullwinkle" won't be the most

embarrassing thing I've ever done.

And I have to mention Alec's great portrayal

of Donald Trump on "SNL."

He fucking nails it...

Exposing Trump for the ridiculous malignant narcissist

bully sociopath he is.

It's not fair, though, because Alec doesn't even have

to act to do that.

Al--Alec, you're so convincing,

I wanna punch both of you in the face.

Alec, it's been a privilege playing Robert Mueller

to your Donald Trump.

I just wish Mueller had roasted Trump as frankly

and ferociously as we roasted you.

Alec, you're a good sport,

and I know I've been rough on you,

but I also love you, and I say that now because

like Robert Kraft at a massage parlor,

I want my roast to have a happy ending.

Salut.

- Coming up, Jeff Ross.

- Always be closing. I'm closing the roast tonight.

- And Alec Baldwin.

- What's with this tie?

Do we have any, uh, Tie-agra?

- Welcome back to the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin.

This is my least favorite part of the roast because

now I have to spend five minutes sitting over there

in the stinking hot ass mark left by Jeff Ross.

Give it up for roastmaster general Jeff Ross.

- Thank you, everybody. Happy roast, everyone.

Happy roast.

What a crowd!

Here I am again following fucking De Niro.

Great job, Aging Bull.

I learned something tonight.

Alec is the name you give your son if you want him

to grow up and be an asshole.

Caitlyn, you were fucking awesome tonight.

I just wanna say that.

You were really awesome tonight.

But I wouldn't fuck you with Bruce Jenner's dick.

Remember when your picture was on Wheaties boxes

back when people could still look at you when they eat?

How about a hand for our guest of honor,

Mr. Alec "Bobblehead" Baldwin?

Alec is actually my neighbor in Greenwich Village,

which was a pretty safe neighborhood

until you fucking moved in.

You're a big star.

I watched you get arrested for punching a guy

over a parking spot.

Next time, valet your car

and help your brother's business.

Help a brother out, Alec!

I'm speaking as a big fan. I love all your movies, Alec.

I loved you in "The Departed,"

which is also what Caitlyn calls her penis.

And of course, Alec, you got your Oscar nomination

for "The Cooler,"

which is where Caitlyn keeps her penis.

And of course, your first big break

was "The Hunt for Red October,"

which is what Caitlyn calls her vagina.

Alec, I first saw you in the movie "Pearl Harbor,"

which was worse than the actual Pearl Harbor.

Halfway through, I was rooting for the Japanese.

Any fans of Alec Baldwin's

Donald Trump impression here tonight?

Okay.

Okay.

What a lot of people don't realize is that

for the last three years,

Donald Trump is actually doing an Alec Baldwin impression.

He calls people names, he yells at the press,

he married an immigrant half his age.

The only difference is that Trump calls his daughter a fox,

not a pig.

Here's to you, Ireland.

Great job, Ireland. You didn't oink once.

What a babe. I love that movie.

Bob, this is nothing for you. You've seen it all.

Robert De Niro's been around so long,

he was God's father.

Bob, I have to give you props.

You're owner of my favorite sushi restaurant.

Any fans of Nobu?

Yeah.

I love that place.

By the way, Nobu is also what

Bob's girlfriend says when he asks her

to dress up like sexy Harriet Tubman.

No, boo!

Caroline Rhea.

I--this is my friend for a long time.

I love this woman so much.

You look like the schoolteacher

all the kids hide behind during a shooting.

If you don't know Chris Redd's work on "Saturday Night Live,"

he does all the impressions that Kenan Thompson

is too fat to play.

Big future, bro. Big future.

You look like a blind kid tried to draw Michael B. Jordan.

And I say that with affection.

Adam Carolla, very interesting podcast tonight.

Oh, come on, Adam.

I love you. You were great tonight,

but you gotta own up to it.

You once said, "Women aren't funny."

Well, let me tell you something.

They are, and you should have hired some

to write your jokes tonight.

- Oh, fuck you. Fuck you.

- Hi, Nikki.

You look great tonight.

You look like the photo that Caitlyn showed her doctor.

- Great to see my pal Ken Jeong.

Ken is a doctor, a comic,

and an actor,

or as it's known back home in Korea,

a failure.

- Congratulations are in order.

Your wife and you,

you just had identical twin daughters.

Congratulations.

Ken told me--Ken told me he can't tell them apart.

Well, now you know how the rest of us feel.

- You're a good guy, Ken.

Thank you for letting them live.

- Caitlyn, it's frustrating to think about.

You supported Donald Trump despite his policies.

How can someone who chooses to be a woman

vote against a woman's right to choose?

Just 'cause you're built like Sarah Huckabee Sanders

doesn't mean you have to vote like her.

Who transitions at 60?

That's like neutering your dog right before he dies.

Bruce Jenner wanted to be here tonight,

but some cut his dick off.

Bruce, blink twice if you're in there!

I gotta give it up to you.

You're the first transgender person ever to do

the Comedy Central Roast.

- Yeah!

I believe you're normalizing what should be normal,

and you proved tonight you're not just a great athlete--

the greatest athlete-- you're also a great sport,

which I think is really important.

And you're an inspiration to Republican transgender

Olympic decathlon winners everywhere.

Mr. Alec Baldwin,

thank you for doing this tonight for charity.

And to be honest,

making fun of you wasn't easy because you have it all.

A great career, a beautiful family,

good looks, intelligence,

and you know what?

You should run for president someday.

Yeah.

I think you got a good shot

'cause in addition to all that,

you're also a piece of shit.

Coffee is for closers. Good night, everybody.

I love you guys.

- You never disappoint. - Oh!

- Thank you, man.

- Coming up...

- Why are you wearing those fucking shoes?

I'm sorry. I yelled at my daughter.

- Already.

- Alec Baldwin.

- The chance to have the Empire State Building

shoved up my ass one brick at a time,

and who wouldn't be looking forward to that?

- And now for the man of the hour, Alec.

We've known each other for a very long time,

so when you asked me to host, I didn't hesitate to say yes,

especially knowing it was for such a great charity

called Exploring the Arts.

You've been a great sport tonight,

a great friend over the years,

and I love you very, very much.

Uh, thank you for having me...

is something your kids will never say.

He's living proof that yoga doesn't work for everyone.

For your own safety, no flash photography.

Alec Baldwin.

- Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

Sit down. Come on.

Come on.

What a night.

You all talked about me berating the paparazzi,

marrying a woman half my age,

and so many other memorable achievements.

I'm glad you all had fun and a sizable amount

of TV exposure at my expense,

but just--there's one more charitable act

that I've done that I won't get credit for.

I'm a generous guy, so sharing the spotlight

is my gift to all of you.

But at the same time, I want to set all of you straight.

Not you, Sean.

If your father couldn't do that, how can I?

- Sean, you proved to the world that gay characters

could be successful in prime time,

and tonight you proved once and for all

that Neil Patrick Harris wasn't available.

Sean, you have the face of a ventriloquist doll

and the asshole of a much larger ventriloquist doll.

Blake Griffin, my gift to you is bringing awareness

to whatever tragic skin disease it is you have.

You're a remarkable man, Blake.

I wish we were as close as your eyes are.

Blake Griffin, tonight you demonstrated

sitting while others score.

Adam Carolla,

I assume you're here to measure all of us for cages.

Adam, you might have your own vineyard,

but you do most of your white wining on your podcast.

Have you heard it?

Have you heard his podcast?

It's fantastic.

Number two in the mass shooter demo.

Adam's wife has her own podcast too.

It's called "Can I Speak Now?"

Adam Carolla also hosted a show

for car geeks called "Top Gear."

His favorite episode was finding

the most fuel-efficient car

to drive into a crowd in Charlottesville.

We're all learning. It's all we can do.

I didn't even know what a Nikki Glaser was

before tonight, and I still don't.

Were you the flight attendant I was rude to?

I'm sorry if you were,

but I don't regret finishing my game

of "Words With Friends" on that flight.

I sniped an incredible 92-pointer with "zymurgy."

Zymurgy, Bob.

Isn't that your second wife's name?

No, wait.

No, wait, it's the medication Jeff Ross takes

for losing his battle with seepage.

- I don't know what that means.

- What devastating comment could I make about Nikki Glaser

that she hasn't already muttered to herself

in a mirror at Equinox?

That's so true.

That's so tr--

- Caroline Rhea. Caroline, I just love you.

You are so open and honest.

Backstage she told all of us

she hasn't been laid in so long,

she went through Caitlyn Jenner's trash

looking for dick.

But you were great tonight.

You were great tonight.

This is the longest you've gone without mentioning

"Sabrina the Teenage Witch."

True story,

Caroline visited my sick mother when she was dying

of cancer in the hospital.

We sat for a bit, and then she turned on the TV

and said, "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" is on.

Caroline, you totally get the assist on that suicide.

My mom attacked that morphine button

like she was trying to buzz in on "Jeopardy!"

Ken Jeong, I'm proud of you.

Normally you come across like an Asian stereotype,

but tonight your lips totally matched

the words you were saying.

I'm--

I'm such a fan of your work.

The way you flipped that shrimp tail into your hat

on my birthday was just genius.

I realize I'm not very big in the Asian community,

but I suppose there's a good reason.

The hardest possible title for you to pronounce

is "Glengarry Glen Ross."

Jeff Ross, everybody. Jeff Ross.

I'm gonna be honest.

I'm surrounded by so many friends,

but you are a mandatory fixture here.

It's like you bought a beautiful new house

and they wouldn't let you chop down this one fat,

ugly tree for some stupid reason.

Jeff Ross is obsessed with food.

He meets the Domino's guy halfway.

- At his birthday when he blew out the candles,

he wished for another cake.

Caitlyn Jenner is an American gold medalist

who changed genders and somehow still managed

to be the least interesting member of her family.

Her strength and beauty are as hypnotic

as a Salvador Dalí painting of Kellyanne Conway.

You look like a real doll

that's been fucked a little too close to the fireplace.

Chris Redd.

As you know, you were one

of the true highlights for me when I appeared on "SNL"

all last season. You're great.

He's doing a new character at "SNL"

called "comedian in car getting coffee

for the rest of the cast."

Chris, you are so talented.

I just hope everyone can recognize you

without the credits rolling over your face.

Robert De Niro, everybody! Robert De Niro!

Thank you for bringing--

thank you for bringing some

actual star power to this event.

Robert De Niro is a legend when it comes

to preparing for roles.

Before "Taxi Driver," he drove 15-hour days in a cab.

Before "Raging Bull," he gained 60 pounds.

And before we filmed "The Good Shepherd" together,

he fucked a sheep.

It was really weird.

But that's why he's the best.

If you're gonna be the GOAT,

you gotta fuck a few sheep.

So you all think I have rage? I don't have rage.

I have passion.

Passion like Robert De Niro at a Philadelphia strip club.

Passion like Ken Jeong dry cleaning the matcha

out of Sean Hayes' capri pants.

I've got a bigger heart than the medical condition

that will kill Blake Griffin in his 40s.

And I have a brain, Nikki.

And balls, Caitlyn.

And I'm more than a podcast, Carolla.

My emergency contact is not my cat, Caroline.

And I don't eat my own semen, Jeff.

And unlike Chris Redd in a photo at night,

I showed up.

And so did you.

And I wanna thank all of you for that.

I love all of you.

And if you don't believe me,

just check your voice mails.

Say what you want. I'm still here.

I didn't do it by starring in hit after hit.

I didn't do it by keeping my cool.

I did it my way.

Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Anka.

Regrets, he had a few

But then again, too few to mention

He did what he had to do

He saw it through

Without exemption

He planned each charted course

Each careful step along the byway

And more, much more than this

He did it his way

Alec Baldwin!

For what is a man

What has he got

If not himself, then he has naught

Just say the things

You truly feel

And are the words

Of one who kneels

The record shows

I took the blows

And did it

My way

- Thank you. Thank you.