All language subtitles for [S1.Ep1] The Degenerates - Big Jay Oakerson

[music: "Where The Devil Don't Stay"
by Drive-by Truckers]

# My daddy played poker
In the woods they say #

# Back in his younger days #

# Prohibition was the talk
But the rich folks walked #

# To the woods where my daddy stayed #

# Jugs and jars from shiners #

# These old boys here, they ain't miners #

# They came from the twenty-niners #

# It didn't take a hole in the ground
To put the bottom in their face #

# Back in the thirties
When the dust bowl dried #

# And the woods in Alabama
Didn't see no light #

# My Daddy played poker
By a hard wood fire #

# Squeezing all his luck
From a hot copper wire #

# Scrap like a wildcat fights
Till the end #

# Trap a wildcat and take his skin #

# Deal from the bottom
Put the ace in the hole #

# One hand on the jug
But you never do know #

[male announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen, Big Jay Oakerson!

[cheering and applause]

Fuck yeah, Vegas!

It's been a weird time here.
Lot of freaky, weird people.

Green hair, right up front.

[laughter]

Crazy big ol' titties,
straight in the front.

Ooh! That's hard.

Is that your chick, dude?

-Good job, bro!
-[laughter]

How old are you?

[man] Twenty-nine.

Twenty-nine? Nice!

That's in the pocket.

[laughter]

Young broads freak me out now.

I turned 40 this year, so that was like...

that's a big landmark.

I hear buddies of mine still talking
about fucking young girls,

it blows my mind.

I had a buddy my age recently tell me
a story

about fucking an 18-year-old girl.

He told it to me in a public place too,
and I was like, "Shhh!"

[laughter]

-I thought he was confessing to a crime!
-[laughter]

Then I was like, "Oh yeah!
You're allowed to fuck an 18-year-old.

I forgot."

That's totally legal,

but it still feels like I shouldn't do it,
you know what I mean?

You've gray hair in your beard.
You think you should fuck an 18-year-old?

It seems creepy!

I get the bragging rights, trust me.

As a 40-year-old guy, it's nice
to be able to say, you know,

"Look at that, I still got it.

An 18-year-old girl still really wants
to fuck me."

But also, I assume,

if you're an 18-year-old girl
who really wants to fuck me, like...

your uncle used to smell your bike seat
or something. Like...

You're definitely not coming
into this thing stable.

That's for goddamn sure.

She's gonna fuck, yeah, but also do
a lot of weird shit while I'm asleep.

[laughter]

Just stare at me for an hour
and run her fingernails over my neck.

[whispering] "I could do it!
I could do it so easy!"

[faint laughter]

I just wake up all stupid, "What's up?

-[laughter]
-You hungry?

I could be talked into a midnight pizza."

[laughter]

I don't even look at...

like, the young girl porn.

I don't want those, like, in my...

you know, web search history, like,
"Teen", "Teen Anal".

It's like, who types that into something?

All the teen stuff's
that webcam porn, anyway.

You know what webcam porn is, right?

-[man] Yeah, man.
-Yeah, okay.

-[laughter]
-Wow.

Like, everyone's with their girlfriends
and shit,

they're like, "Is it, like...
I heard of it.

Is it the one where they are, like,
in front of a webca... I..."

[laughter]

It's when teenage girls
are in front of a webcam...

naked, living their day.

And then fucking weirdos at home
who have just mustaches....

[laughter]

sit at home and watch them on a computer
and keep hitting a button

that tips them money.

And you hear it. Ba-da-ding! Ba-da-ding!

And they have to keep saying
thank you like...

-[coyly] ..."Thank you!"
-[laughter]

The weirder ones are when
those girls bring in, like,

a guy to fuck them, on webcam,

and, like,
this guy's working them over so hard,

but they know
where their bread's buttered.

They still gotta pay attention
to the computer guys.

So this guy's just whaling on her,

and she's like, you know, thanking
a bunch of dumb screen names.

[laughter]

[puffs] She's like,
"Thank you, StinkyPickle654023!

Ba-da-ding! Ba-da-ding!
Thank you, XXXFartsMagooXXX!"

Ba-da-ding! Ba-da-ding! Ba-da-ding!

[laughter]

Plus my daughter is 15 now,
and that's so close to legal porn age.

I don't want to send her there.

[laughter]

You know what I mean?
That feels like bad karma.

You can't make
your kids be anything at all.

I was hoping my daughter would be a
lesbian. I did everything I could, but...

[laughter]

From the time she was a baby, man...

all her, like, little mobiles in her crib
just cranked Melissa Etheridge tunes.

She was just like
# But I'm the only one!" #

-[Big Jay chuckles]
-[laughter]

I used to take her out back when she was
a toddler and just gun softballs at her,

see if she had...

any dykey instincts to throw up a mitt.
Nothing.

Took them all right in the tits.
Dumb as a board,

straight as an arrow.

[laughter]

If she was a lesbian, man,

she couldn't hurt me. That's what I know.

My daughter's 15 now. She knows what I do.
You know what I mean?

Like, she hears how I talk. She's gonna be
pretty loose-lipped around me.

And I worry she's gonna tell me things
I don't want to hear.

But if you add the fact that she'd be
a lesbian in any of those stories,

I don't give a shit!

The creepiest sex story wouldn't bother me
if she was a lesbian.

She'd have to be specific though.
You know what I mean?

[laughter]

She couldn't come in all willy-nilly,
throwing generalization,

like, "Dad, I had a fivesome last night!"
I'd be like, "What? My baby! No!"

And then if she was like,
"With four hot chicks,"

I'd be like, "Nice!"

-[laughter]
-[Big Jay chuckles]

[applause]

I wouldn't be upset or sad anymore!

Smell her fingers
and high-five her like a son!

-[laughter and applause]
-Like a son!

I'd put my arm around her
for the first time.

-"Get over here, you son of a bitch!"
-[laughter]

Give her one of those old beers,
with the rip tab. Phisshhh!

Now, if you're gonna eat box
with your old man's last name,

-let's talk about your method. Now....
-[laughter]

The Oakersons, historically, favor a light
labia press, sweeping tongue motion.

[laughter]

She's doing all this 15-year-old stuff,
which is awful.

She got caught drinking this year.

I hated it. She's punished,
which is a waste of time.

That's why I think we should bring back,
and this isn't going to be popular,

but... hear me out.

We should bring back, uh, focused...

focused child abuse.

-Now, in that...
-[laughter]

And I'm not talking, before you write
an angry letter about, like,

drunken, crazy, I hate my life,
so I kick the shit out of my kids.

That guy should go to fucking prison.
You know what I mean?

I mean with a purpose, right?
Like my daughter, for instance,

got caught drinking. So I go over there,

and I fuck her up real nice, right?

You know? I'll let her put her hands up,
I'll give her a fair shake,

but she has no shot.

I'm gonna stretch her ass out.
She's a child.

[laughter]

But then it's over and we get to go back
to having fun again.

Daddy-daughter time, you know what I mean?
And she's learned a lesson now, right?

"If I get caught drinking, my father
comes over and fights me like a dude."

[laughter]

She either won't do it,
or won't get caught next time.

I'm fine with either.

There's that awkward moment
the next morning,

when I go in her room and she's in
a corner, holding her knees and crying.

And I go, "Hey!" and she goes, "No!"

and I go, "No, no, no. That was yesterday.
Don't be weird.

[laughter]

It's over, baby!

Put on a long-sleeve shirt.
We're going to the mall, motherfucker!"

[laughter]

I don't know. It's hard to walk that line
between being, you know,

cool dad and, you know,
raising your kids right, you know?

I try to be cool. I try!

I took my daughter this year, she turned
15, I took her to a piercing place

to get a piercing at the top of her ear,
the one that goes across.

It's called an industrial piercing.

I took her to a piercing place
to get that done.

How cool is that? Pretty cool dad, right?

I did her clit myself.
I'm not gonna let some stranger...

No, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to let
some fucking stranger...

[laughter]

I'm kidding, by the way.

I hate that we live in a time
I gotta tell you that.

I'm totally kidding.
I did not pierce my daughter's clit.

I promise you, nobody pierces
their daughter's clit

and then comes and tells
a room full of people about it.

That's information you here years later
in family court or something.

We've had our fair share of...

awkward moments for sure,
me and my daughter,

but that's just not a real one.

The real ones are probably worse.

Our last awkward moment,
our last biggie, I should say,

happened when she was still 14.

It was... This sucks. This is a bad one.

My daughter has no idea this happened,
by the way.

She's oblivious to this whole situation

and when she hears this,
I'm gonna tell her...

it's just a joke.

But I'm telling you, it's not.

[laughter]

And we'll just edit that part out.

[laughter]

This was about, I don't know,
eight months ago, or so.

She was, like, at my house one morning.

We're having a conversation.
But there's a door between us.

She's in the bedroom,
I'm in the living room.

As I walked by the door,
which was cracked open a little bit,

just instinctually, I looked
through the crack of the door.

That said, I did not know she was
getting changed behind that door.

And for a split second, I know,
unbeknownst to her, thank God,

I saw my 14-year-old daughter,
full frontal butt naked.

And what I saw, I couldn't unsee.

And there's really no way
to candy-coat it.

So I'll just lay it out there
and let you guys process it,

and then we'll go from there.

That day, oh, I came face-to-face...

on a 14-year-old little girl...

Full bush.

[maniacal laughter]

-Take your time with it. It's okay.
-[maniacal laughter]

There's no rush.
There's not even a punch line.

I don't demand you laugh.

I don't want you to laugh 'cause you think
you have to. You don't.

That's not even a punchline.
That's just the deets of the story.

Full bush.

This little peanut used to sleep
right here on my chest.

I used to hold her and go,
"I love you so much!

I'm gonna protect you forever!"
[kissing]

And when she was, like, four,
she used to walk around...

in these nightgowns, and they went
all the way down to the floor.

They, like, dragged on the ground, and
she had this big, crazy, curly hair,

and whenever I would walk through a door,
she would go, "Daddy, pick up!"

Full muff now.

[laughter]

And now, that's just the world, man.

I don't know how many people here really
know my comedy,

but if you did, you would know,

historically, with every other woman
in the world,

I'm a full bush guy.

But no more.

[laughter]

Can't even see it now. I have a reaction.
It's uncomfortable.

If a girl presents a full bush now,

I'm all, "Whoa! What am I, a pedophile?
You show up here,

-with that big, hairy box like a child?
-[laughter]

Like a beautiful baby angel
with that woofin' snatch?

Get in that bathroom and shave your pussy
like an adult, you freaky piece of shit!

What's wrong with you?"

[faint applause]

-This crowd is un-of-fendable.
-[laughter]

You never know the words that are gonna
get people upset anymore, man.

People complain about everything,
from the obvious ones

to words you would never believe.
And comedy?

Oh! Under constant fire.
And you don't even know.

Some of the things don't even make sense
to you that they get mad at.

That's the idea of perspective.

You have to get that in comedy,

not everyone in the world
has your perspective.

So all I can do
as a comic is tell jokes

I think we're all going to laugh at
for the most part.

And we'll get together
and have a good time, but...

people have triggers from shit
you can never guess.

If I did a joke as benign...

as, like, something about like
Highlights magazine...

Remember Highlights magazine?

How could that go bad, right? 'Cause
Highlights magazine, for most of us,

is a memory of a learning tool,

a monthly periodical where you can do word
scrambles and learn how to color and read.

For somebody else, it's, like,
the last thing they saw

before they got molested
by a pediatric dentist, so...

[laughter]

How could I prepare for that?

And then I go, "Hey, you guys remember
Highlights magazine?"

And that guy goes, "No!

No one should hear this!"

[laughter]

Words get people all wound up.

I got booed...

by a whole crowd in New York City once,

for using the word "tranny" on stage.
Ain't that a bitch?

"Tranny", you can't say now.

"Tranny!" That bums me out.

[laughter]

First of all, I'm no bigot. So that's why
it bothered me they booed. I'm no bigot.

I batted around the idea of fucking
a tranny not ten months ago

-in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
-[laughter and applause]

I bet nobody who booed me can say that.

[laughter]

But they're just booing a word,
that's all it is, you know what I mean?

You know why that one bothers me,
"tranny"?

Do you know the word you're supposed
to say, when people get angry?

I was like, "What am I supposed to say,
if not 'tranny'?"

Someone goes, "Transgendered."

I was like, "Who's got the fucking time,
man? I mean, come on, dude."

That's a pretty bitchy complaint.
You know?

I mean, that's not even a different word!

That's just a longer version
of the same word I said!

I knew it was a longer word than "tranny".
I just didn't know what.

"Tranathan" would have been my guess.
I was gonna go...

[laughter]

But what difference does it make,
honestly?

"Transgender"? "Tranny"? Does that matter
what you're saying with it?

Who gives a shit about the word?

If I said,
"All transgender people should be killed

because they're abominations of God,"
would you be like,

"At least he said 'transgender'.
That was pretty cool.

-[laughter]
-Seems like an all right dude."

That's a horrible thing to say.

Isn't it a way cooler thing if I say,

"I batted around the idea of fucking a
tranny ten months ago in Grand Rapids?"

I know it comes from a much better place
in the heart.

[laughter]

It's real shit.

I thought about it.
I gave it a good long think, too.

Way longer than you'd think I'd think
I thought...

about fucking that tranny.

I didn't know at first.

At first I thought I was talking to a very
tall, beautiful woman in the front row

of a show in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

And I was like, "Wow, you're so tall
and pretty! Are you a model?"

She goes, "I am a model."

I go, "Oh my God, please say it's porn."

Almost jokingly.

We're in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

She goes, "It is porn!"

I go, "Holy shit! Let me see a picture
of your pussy in your cell phone."

And she goes, "Okay."
Starts going through her phone.

Then I, like a child, start saying
the word "pussy" over and over again.

I'm like, "Oh, man! We're about to see
some pussy!

She's about to show us her pussy,
everybody! Buckle up, dude!

We're gonna see some pussy!"

And then she hands me her phone.

She goes,
"By the way, I don't have a pussy."

And like an idiot, before I looked
at her phone, I went,

"You were born without a pussy?

[laughter]

[mouthing]

[laughter continues]

That must be a hell of a story."

[laughter]

Then I looked at the picture,
and I was like, "Oh!"

-Big ol' dick. Mean!
-[laughter]

Mean.

-Lousy with veins. All over it.
-[laughter]

Like eyebrows on the helmet.

[laughter]

And a mean hang, you know what I mean?

Like when the soft is still heavy enough
to split the nuts?

[maniacal laughter]

I looked at that picture and still thought
about it. That's how cool I was.

I was being very progressive, I thought.
'Cause I said to myself, "Don't be a dick.

It's the 20-teens, man.

You wanted to fuck her when you thought
it was a girl. Open your mind, dude.

Be progressive. Think.

Can you fuck this hot tranny?"

And I thought about it,
and I did not end up doing it,

but it wasn't for any kind of
"I'm grossed out" reasons. It was...

logistics.

Pure logistics is why I didn't do it.

I believe this to be true and you might
judge me on this and that's fine.

But I think,

I realized that night,
I believe that if...

I was into doggy-style sex,
fucking from behind,

I think...

I could fuck a tranny.

I think from that angle, all you see is
a feminine body. There's long hair,

you can reach around and feel a titty.

[laughter]

But I don't like doggy-style sex.

I'll do it for a minute for show,
but it is not my thing.

I'm a big guy. My leg cramps up,
I gotta plant a foot.

[laughter]

A woman's ass is always too high
or too low.

Women have no idea where their pussy is.

I mean, tilt your ass up, idiots.
How many times...

does it have to be yelled
at the back of your skull?

Every time we fuck?

Tilt your ass up!

Where do you think your pussy is?

[laughter]

You've no sense
of where your pussy hole is?

You ever see a woman come in
for doggy style?

They're all perched up
like a Hitler Dobermann. It's stoic.

[laughter]

What, do you want me to limbo under you
and fuck up? It's impossible!

Tilt your ass up!

[faint laughter]

Put your head down. Stop looking back.
It's me! Every time it's me!

Who are you looking for?

You've never been fooled!

You never looked back
and you're like, "Steve!"

And he's like,
"Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

Oh, man! I told him
you were gonna turn around!"

[faint laughter, applause]

And I'm downstairs playing Madden,
I'm like, "Shit, she saw Steve. Fuck.

She's gonna be pissed.

Sorry, Steve-O!

You were right."

[faint laughter]

Doggy style. I don't like it.

I'm a missionary guy. I'll do the work.

But it's got to be the way I like it.

And when push came to shove
and it was time for a decision to be made,

that tranny's dick was too big
for missionary.

[laughter]

I pictured it in my head,
I did not like what I saw.

[laughter]

I'm holding her ankles in the air,
and with every pump into her shitter,

her big tranny dick's just bouncing
back and forth off our bellies.

[slapping]

It's like an RPM meter, trying to get out
of a snowy parking spot.

[imitates engine revving]

Better chain up those tires!

[revving]

Not that she was offering, by the way.

I always feel like I don't make that
clear enough when I tell the story.

Make it a bit of a hero story of the day
I shot down hot tranny dick, but...

it's not the case.

She was never offering at all.

She had a guy with her the whole time.

Turns out it was her boyfriend. Yup!

Boyfriend.

Said he wasn't gay.

I don't know.

[laughter]

Seemed sort of gay.

And I'm not judging.
I was thinking about doing it

not five minutes before I knew
she had a boyfriend.

But in my head I was like, "If I do this,

it's gonna be pretty gay."

[laughter]

But her boyfriend says,
"Nope. Not gay at all."

You know what he said to me?
He goes, "She's all woman."

-[laughter]
-[Big Jay chuckles]

I was like, "I hear you, dude, but...

She's not, though. Like, she's...

Big ol' dick and balls, man.
I just saw them! I got jealous."

He's like, "Doesn't matter what you saw.
All woman."

And I'm like, "Come on, dude.
It's a little gay."

And he kept going, "It's not gay at all."
And we're battling back and forth.

I mean, going at it.

I go, "Hey, dude, how about this?

When you guys have sex,

don't yours and her balls clank together?

That's pretty gay."

[laughter]

And he was like, "No, asshole.
Our balls don't clank together."

But he's... he's lying.

[laughter]

That's exactly what they do.

I looked it up on the Internet,
right then and there. Right on stage.

That's exactly what happens.
Just like you thought.

You see how quiet the room got?
You guys were like,

"Isn't that what would happen?"
That's exactly what happens.

He was lying. Tranny sits on dick
and then balls on balls, like...

two melting scoops of ice cream,
just like you thought.

[laughter]

I'm glad there's hot trannies
in the world. Women need some competition.

You've had it too good for too long.

Women like to beat a dude down.

What happened to respecting men?
It's over, I think.

Women are fucking erasing masculinity
by treating us like a bunch of bitches.

[faint laughter]

I mean, we've earned some of this flak,
you know what I mean?

Men have been... we have not been
that cool lately. There's...

[laughter]

Women respected men a lot, once.
But that was...

We abused it. That was the problem.

In the fifties, a man could say to
his secretary, "Suck all of our dicks."

And she had to. I know I wasn't there,
but like...

[laughter]

I heard. I talked to Jon Hamm once.
He said it was pretty cool.

[laughter]

But when that pendulum
of respect started to swing,

it didn't stop at equal.
It went over a little bit.

And women started not respecting men,
and grinding us down,

but you're smarter than we are.

Men do it too outright, right?
"Suck all of our dicks."

That's what we do. Women know
how to get it subtle and inside.

You don't even see it happening,

and then, one day, you're a 40-year-old
man calling your chick "the boss".

In public.

[nervous laughter]

You hear the discomfort in this room?
You know what that's about?

All the dudes in here that have been like,
"You gotta talk to the sarge about that.

I don't know."

I'd love to make plans with you, but...

gotta see what fucking conquistador
in there says.

[laughter]

You ever hear a grown man say
he's gonna be in trouble at home?

It's the weirdest thing!
"Man, have another drink!"

He's like, "Dude, I gotta go.
I'm gonna be in so much trouble."

You're in trouble? You're 50, man!

-[laughter]
-You own a business!

Who are you in trouble with?

We let it happen. We didn't see it
coming. You gotta look for the clues.

You can find out
if your chick doesn't respect you.

I have a girlfriend.
I'm not speaking out of school here.

I have a girlfriend.
She has no respect for me.

[laughter]

But we found out together on the same day.

She didn't know either.
It's been a rough patch for us.

She said something in a conversation
we were having with friends

that was so disrespectful to me,
and she meant it when she said it.

It fell right out of her face. Organic.

Embarrassed the shit out of me,
made me feel like shit.

We were talking with a group of friends
about... the UFC.

You know what that is, right?
Cage fighting.

We were talking about how a lot of those
guys get in trouble for domestic abuse,

beating up their girlfriends and wives.

And then my girlfriend says out loud,
in front of all of our friends,

she goes, "Oh my God, I would never want
to date a guy like that!

The kind of guy that, if he lost control,
could just beat the shit out of me?"

[laughter]

That forced me, out loud, as an adult,
to say in front of people,

"Do you think I can't beat the shit
out of you?

[laughter]

Is that what our relationship is based on?

That you think I cannot beat the shit
out of you?"

That's crazy.

That's insane.

I just don't beat the shit out of her.

I made a choice to not beat the shit
out of her,

and that's my payment
for being a great guy.

She goes to bed every night,
not feeling safe and secure,

she looks at me like, "I wish
this pussy would try something. I'll...

fucking beat him up
in front of his gay-ass friends."

That's bonkers.

I could beat her up just as fast
as that UFC guy.

But how do I prove it to her now?

[laughter]

Can't, right? That's it.

I just gotta accept
that's the way she feels.

I can't just house her one day
out of nowhere.

I'll be the first suspect.

I've talked about it very publicly.

[faint laughter]

But there is a way, fellas.

I figured out... what it is women do
to men that we don't do to them

that keeps us under thumb.
I know how they keep us in line so much.

And it's something
you're gonna have to start doing too.

You won't want to, fellas. It's gonna
sound very feminine, because it is.

What you have to start doing to get
your respect back with your chick...

is nitpicking.

[laughter]

Nitpicking is when women attack men
for all their small mistakes.

That's why we all know the man mistakes.
They're hack at this point.

We know them, right? Toilet seat's up,

fucking paper towels aren't on the roll
or some shit.

We know all those dumb things guys do,
but women know nothing

about their small mistakes.
You know why? We never tell you.

We've been protecting you
from yourself forever.

[laughter and applause]

Horrible, horrible things you do.

We say nothing. No, not me. Not anymore.

Oh, I'm super passive-aggressive
around my house.

I nitpick my chick non-stop.

She's always on her heels.

I lay it out, passive-aggressive.
I'll walk out of the bathroom,

"Babe, don't worry. I took care
of that period blood on the seat."

"No! Did I? I swear, I thought I cleaned!
But... Wha... "

[laughter]

Sends her whole day into a spiral.

They don't know anything. At all.
How long you been together for?

[man] Six months.

Six months? Not long enough.
Who's been here a good clip, huh?

Sixteen?

Show me 16.

You two, right there? This is
a fucking real question right here.

How many times do you think this man...

in sixteen magical years,

how many times do you think he...

has had to slap toilet paper crumbs
out of the crack of your puss,

never said a word to you about it?

[laughter and applause]

Now...

before you start doing soft math...

[laughter]

...don't waste your time.
It's almost rhetorical. It's...

The answer is countless times.

It's always... He has no idea.
Sixteen years?

I'd say high 12, low 1300s.

[laughter]

Yep, that's right, ladies.

Surprise, surprise. Toilet paper crumbs
in the crack of your puss.

[laughter]

You didn't know. Now you know.

It's not totally your fault,
it's a bit of a design flaw.

I'll give you that.

You pee out of a slit,
which doesn't make any sense.

Doesn't even shoot right out. It has to go
through all the lips and inside shit.

It's like creek rapids it has to traverse,

before it gets
to your butt cheeks and thighs.

And then you wipe all cocky from behind
without even looking,

and then there's toilet paper everywhere.

And some of it is on there. You gotta take
a thumbnail to it. It's like...

It's like trying to get the wrapper

off a hot Starburst you found
in an old jacket pocket.

After a while, you're like,
"I'm just gonna eat it. I don't care."

It'll dissolve.

It'll dissolve. I'm an adult.

And you know?
Do you know how cool we are?

We don't say "eew" or "yuck"
or make you feel small about yourself.

We're so cool, you know what we do?
We just slap it away.

That's the whole method.

You're on all fours in the back like,
"Kinky," and he's like, "Right?"

While it's just hailing Charmin balls
all over the sheets.

"Yeah. Oh, totes kinky,
I was thinking that."

[laughter]

You slap away as much as you can,

and you move forward. Just start fucking.
That's what I say.

There's a bunch of crumbs
you missed anyway.

Spread her butt cheeks.
There's the ones you forgot.

Those are the high-winders, too,
rolled up tight.

Looks like little joints for G.I. Joes,
all woven into her...

sparse asshole hair, and we say nothing.

We try to pull them out like trying
to fucking defuse a bomb.

-[breathing nervously]
-[laughter]

And I hope it hurts to hear, man,
I hope you all go home

and squat over a mirror,
'cause fuck you!

Men have dealt with it long enough,

living in the shadows, too.
There's no one to talk to about this.

Most guys here didn't even know other guys
knew about pussy crumbs till right now.

There's no therapy for it!

You don't wanna tell this guy
about your chick's pussy crumbs,

you want him to think your chick's hot!
That's just how the world works!

Deal with it, ladies. I've seen some crazy
shit with toilet paper and pussy, man.

I saw a girl one time, on my life,
so much toilet paper in her pussy,

I thought it was in a cast.
For a split second, I didn't know.

She just presented it, it was all white.

I just signed it.
I was like, "Get well. Jay."

[maniacal laughter, applause]

It's been a fucking absolute honor
to be here for you guys, man.

Thank you so much for coming out.

Fuck, yeah!
We'll see you next time around.

[cheers and applause]

[music: "Where The Devil Don't Stay"
by Drive-by Truckers]

# Back in the '30s,
when the dust bowl dried #

# And the woods in Alabama
didn't see no light #

# My daddy played poker
by a hardwood fire #

# Squeezing all his luck
from a hot copper wire #

# Scrap like a wildcat fights
till the end #

# Trap a wildcat and take... #