Original subtitles

Hey, where am I? Uh, what time is it?

Uh, we're at my place.

- It's 6:15. - What?

I wasn't planning on spending the night.

Sorry. Within two seconds of cuddling,

you fell asleep, and you looked so peaceful.

- I didn't want to wake you. - I slept six hours? Who does that?

I haven't slept that long since my ACL surgery.

Yeah, and Davis lives across the hall, so you gotta move.

What? Uh, okay, yeah, um...

He leaves early. Hurry up.

- Morning. - Hey.

See we have another early bird in the building?

Yep.

So, uh, how do you know Abby?

I don't.

- Hey, Elena. - Hi.

I think I left my glasses at your place.

- Can you check? - Your glasses? Sure.

That reminds me, I'm either near or farsighted.

I need to get my eyes checked. Uh, hey, I gotta go.

Wow. Doing little errands for your lady?

- Whipped, huh? - I guess.

You know, I really like her.

I'm legitimately excited to spend election season with her.

- Hm. - Which, speaking of,

how are things going with AJ?

I'm really trying to take a step back and focus on myself.

That's great, man. Proud of you.

Proud of me, too.

Yeah, I was walking around her hometown

on Google Maps Street View at 3 am,

and I was like, "What are you doing?"

Why'd you ask?

No reason.

Hey, fuckers,

welcome to the Thunderdome.

I'm four Mountain Dews deep

and ready to administer your beatdown.

Whatever, losers. Enjoy your soda.

At least we're old enough to drink.

Hey, can you guys keep it down out here?

I'm trying to memorize my lines for my acting class tomorrow.

And I have to be lighting candles at church in six hours,

but you don't hear me complaining, bitch.

- Okay, I'm turning the TV off. - No, don't do that!

- We'll put on headphones. - Thank you.

Eat metal, Aiden!

We'll kick your asses back to kindergarten!

That's it. You're done.

- I'm putting the TV in my room. - No, no, no, no.

- We'll be good, we promise. - Please, Kel.

We'll be done in, like, three hours, we swear.

- Three hours? - Five hours, tops.

Unbelievable.

Okay, so for your bio, we have,

"Abby Chilukuri is a vibrant and talented up-and-coming stylist

- based in New York." - Damn, Anupam.

You make me sound so accomplished.

I'm simply reading back the words you wrote for yourself.

Now, please, resend the images you'd like included.

I only received two.

It's just those two.

Maybe I should change "celebrity stylist" to

"aspiring celebrity stylist"?

Okay, let's not get caught up in the details.

Just make it look good and send me a link when it's done.

- Hey! You're still up. - Wait, were you with Bill again?

That's, like, four nights this week.

Actually, five, if you count him

accidentally falling asleep in my bed last night.

Look at you. And I thought you said

- you'd never date anyone at work. - I know.

But that was before I realized Bill might be my person.

Wow, I've never heard you talk about anyone like this before.

Okay, so tell me about your date.

Did you guys go to a fancy restaurant?

Are there leftovers? God, I love free food.

We don't really go out to dinner. We just do drinks at his place.

Oh! Okay.

So, then it's more like a... like a casual hookup kind of thing.

No, we're dating.

What? Just say it.

I love that Bill is your person.

But if you guys are dating,

don't you think you should be going on dates?

Okay, I, uh, I get that it's kind of unconventional,

but it's nuanced because of our circumstances.

And I get that you don't understand that.

But it's working great for us.

Then, that's great.

Great. Goodnight.

Hey.

- Yo. - Well, I hope you're happy.

You kept me up all night. I was so tired,

I fell asleep in my acting class today.

- I mean, is that a big deal? - Yes. My scene partner was Madea,

and she just said she killed our kids, and I was out cold.

And who ate all my food?

Oh, I had, like, a bite. Is that okay?

A bite? I... I had five meals prepped,

- and they're all gone. - Well, I only ate one.

I just accidentally left the rest out, and they all went bad.

Bro, those were gonna be my school lunches for the week.

Whoa, buddy, you're, like, really grumpy. What's going on?

We can't keep staying up all night playing video games, having fun,

eating and drinking whatever we want.

Uh, why can't we do any of that stuff?

You're describing an awesome life.

Look, we're sorry about last night,

but our jobs are super stressful.

And on Fridays, we have to be able to blow off some steam.

- Yeah. - My life is stressful too.

What?

It's just, it's different.

- How? - I work at the most prestigious

news program in the country.

Journalism is dying, and I'm fighting on the front lines of truth.

Yeah, and Fisher Stassen is the beating heart

of the global economy.

So, I'm also on the f-front lines.

So, what you're saying is that your stuff is important

and mine's stupid.

I mean, Kel, you're a substitute teacher

who does weekend acting camp.

It's not acting camp. It's scene study.

And you didn't treat me like this when I was a med student.

Yeah, 'cause you were gonna be a doctor,

which is, like, noble and shit.

Oh, my God.

The 14-year-old girls I teach were right.

- Huh? About what? - About men.

You two have done nothing but mansplain and gaslight me

into thinking that I have no value.

And I've been too delulu to see that this is how you move.

- What are you saying? - This is like talking to my little sister.

I'm saying that you think I'm a joke.

You don't respect me.

I'm outta here.

Actors, am I right?

They're all like that.

Uh, hi.

Austin?

Austin.

This is awkward.

- Uh, Abby, this is Stella. - Hi.

Well, I'm gonna go see if B.J. Novak has any more shroom chocolate.

Got your text.

I am so sorry you had to see that.

I hope it didn't make you feel some kind of way.

No, it didn't.

What's up?

I booked a huge campaign,

- and I want you to style me for it. - Oh, my God!

For who? Dior, Balenciaga, Thom Browne?

No. For ketamine.

- The drug? - Mm-hmm.

It's an anti-ketamine PSA

- for the Ad Council. - Hm.

- So, will you do it? - Yes!

Oh, my God, of course. Thank you. Thank you so much.

You know, I could ask Stella to leave.

No, that won't be necessary.

So, I guess B.J. Novak left.

He has a book reading in the morning.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Austin, thank you so much.

Stella, I hope you find the drugs you're looking for.

Aw. Thank you!

Which one of these outfits makes you want to do ketamine?

And more importantly, which one doesn't?

Uh, well, the purple one?

- Hm. - I don't know.

I've never done drugs before.

I think I would like them too much.

- Hey. - Hi.

- I have a request. - Did you lock yourself out?

Because I lost your spare key a long time ago.

No, no, no, that's not it, um...

I had a falling out earlier with Davis and Josh.

Look, I can't stay there anymore.

By any chance, could I crash here

- 'til I find a place? - Why?

- Your family lives in the city. - Yeah.

But... but they're not speaking to me.

As I'm hearing myself, it seems like everyone in my life hates me.

But I'm normal, I swear.

This is sad.

- So sad. - I can hear you.

But you're right, it is.

Look, you won't even notice I'm here.

I mean, I... I go to bed early. I'll pitch in for rent.

What do you think?

I'm always at work or at...

doing other things, so I don't really care.

Alright. You can sleep on the couch.

And the kitchen sink is your sink.

Got it. Thank you.

Roomies!

Ahh...

So close.

Hey, so I guess Kel's still staying at the girls'?

Such a bummer.

I mean, do we just go halfsies on rent now?

Rent? You're worried about freaking rent? Look at this place.

What if we have another apartment emergency?

Kel's the responsible one, I'm a bon vivant,

and you're a man-child.

An apartment emergency?

- What are you even talking about? - I don't know.

Like, another fire? Or worse, an intruder?

- I could take care of an intruder. - You?

If anyone's gonna have to fight off an intruder,

it'll obviously have to be me.

Please, I could pin you in, like, six seconds.

I could pin you in six seconds.

- Alright, then pin me. - You didn't give me a fair start!

- Ah! - I'm winning, dude.

No, I'm winning!

Are you trying to bite me? There's no biting.

Why are your hands so soft?

I use night cream, you caveman!

Ah! Dude, my back!

Maybe we should get an alarm.

More coffee?

- Why, thank you. - You're welcome.

And thank you for making these incredible muffins, Kel.

- Did you sleep okay? - Oh, my God, yes.

The couch is so comfy, and there's no crumbs in the grooves.

We vacuum it once a week.

- You own a vacuum? - We own two.

- What is this place? - An idiot-free zone.

Hi. Abby Chilukuri.

I'm here to pull for Austin Blanchett.

He's doing a big ketamine campaign.

That's so dope. I love ketamine.

You style Austin Blanchett?

No way. Oh, my God.

Nicky Campbell, I... I love you.

I'm obsessed with your fashion critiques.

- I'm Abby, by the way. - So, you're responsible

for Austin's fashion glow-up?

He's been serving look after look.

That means, literally, everything coming from you.

Yes, it does.

You know, we actually have a group chat

for people of color in fashion.

I'm a people of color in fashion.

- I'll add you to it. - Shut up.

Never.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Did you remember my glasses? - What? Shit.

No, I forgot.

With all the Kel drama, it slipped my mind.

It's fine, I'll just continue to work

in my prescription sunglasses.

It's like, yes, Kel, I don't do the dishes,

but it's because I contribute in other ways.

Like, I order our toilet paper on my family's Amazon account.

Right.

So, I have some fun news.

Yeah? Fuck!

Sorry. Davis messed up my back,

and the pain is spreading to my butt and my neck.

I need to lay down on the floor.

Davis, I cannot help but notice your small, sad mustache.

My roommate moved out and took our razor.

This is why I never ask about his personal life.

- Will I see you tonight? - Yes.

How is he?

- Who? - Kel.

Oh, he's good. He made us muffins.

His famous Monday muffins?

- Mm-hmm. - Well, don't get used to it,

'cause he'll leave you as soon as you do nothing.

Again, we don't need to hear about your personal life.

I will give you money for a razor.

I don't remember which brand Kel buys us.

Oh, boy.

- Here she is. - Oh, great.

Can you bag these up and put them at the counter for me, please?

No. And you're no longer welcome here.

Vanessa told me everything.

I've known her since Parsons.

We both dated Jim Parsons when we were at RISD.

- Uh, but I... - Loyalty may not mean anything to you,

but it does to me.

Please leave.

Um...

Can I at least still be on the group chat?

Oh, you'll be on it.

Just not in the way you want.

Oh, man.

I'm so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open.

Oh, whoa, hey, hey, hey. Are you okay?

Why are you so tired?

Shit, you don't have mono, do you?

No, your bed is just so comfortable.

It must be amazing to wake up in it every day.

Oh.

I don't know. It just came with the apartment.

So, should I...

call a car or...

No. No, please.

I'll call you one.

You just rest right there until it arrives.

Damn, what'd those plates do to piss you off?

Ugh, I've had such a shitty day.

Well, you're gonna wake the whole building up.

Here, let me help.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, I got you.

That's very thoughtful of you.

Hey, are you dating anybody?

No, no, not at the moment.

Because I have the perfect person for you. This girl, Liza.

I mean, she's crazy, but guys seem to think it's worth it.

Uh, thanks, Abby, but, uh, I think I can find someone on my own.

Hey.

Hi! You're home.

Uh, yeah.

Cool, well, there's, uh, leftovers in the fridge if you're hungry.

Okay, thanks.

- Of course. Goodnight. - Goodnight.

Kel!

What the hell was that?

Y-You don't like leftovers?

No, I love leftovers.

What was that tone on, "Oh, you're home"?

- There was a tone? - Yes, Kel,

and the tone was judgment.

And I am sick of her judging me and my relationship.

Yeah, she mentioned you were seeing someone?

She always assumes the worst,

and now she's in my head, making me paranoid.

Why is she like this?

That's, uh, crazy. Friends should be supportive.

Exactly, thank you. You get it.

Well, I... I'm just gonna get ready for bed.

Good talk.

I'm... I'm in here.

I can't believe AJ came home late again.

This guy won't even let her stay overnight.

How can she not see he's using her?

Look, I know she's annoyed with me,

but I'm just trying to help her make good decisions.

Totally. Friends should be supportive.

Yes, thank you!

You get it.

Donut holes? Oh.

Yeah. People really love these things, huh?

By the time I got to them, they were almost gone.

What's the occasion? Did we get another Peabody nom?

Nope. They're for Elena's last day.

Last day?

Elena.

- You're leaving the show? - Yeah, I got promoted.

I'm the network's new Associate Manager of Content and Acquisitions.

What? That's like a corporate job.

How? Also, why?

I realized there's no room for growth for me here,

so I asked your dad to put in a good word for me.

What? You used my dad?

You also used your dad.

Besides, when I met him,

he said to let him know if I needed anything.

- And I needed something. - I mean, I respect the move.

It's actually really smart.

I just wish you hadn't kept it from me.

I tried to tell you, but you were too busy talking about yourself.

I have a lot going on with my roommate stuff.

And there is a big update.

Davis straight up lost my shoehorn.

Josh.

Okay, I hear it.

I'm sorry.

Can I take you to dinner to celebrate?

I don't think so.

Uh, this has been fun,

but my new role's a little more managerial,

and I don't think dating a PA would be a really good look.

I'll... I'll see you around.

That comes to $27,329.

Wow. That's a big number.

Would you like to open a store card for a 5% discount?

Yes!

Whoa, no one's ever said yes to that before.

Also, I love all these pieces and plan to keep them all

as heirlooms for my children.

But, uh, what's your return policy?

We accept returns within 30 days.

Unworn.

Great.

Quick reminder.

Whoever's home last, please deadbolt the door.

Okay, so Abby's text

is clearly about me.

Thumbs up? Passive aggressive much?

Hey, hey.

Can one of you tell me what's happening here?

What's wrong with the thumbs up?

Thumbs-upping a text is really bad.

- It's, like, violent. - What?

Why? Doesn't it just mean, like, "Okay, got it"?

No, a thumbs up means, "I hate you. Kill yourself."

A heart means, "Okay, got it."

And it's the only acceptable reaction.

There's a lot of subtext here.

The girls on this chain are clearly going through something serious.

Sorry, couldn't help but overhear.

But I always find you can't go wrong with a "haha."

- Yeah, that's fun. - Right?

Keep it light?

Idiots.

Did... did she just call us idiots?

Yeah. And the worst part is, we can't say it back.

- Mm. - What happened to the youth?

And Kel's always like, "Drink water, Davis.

Eat vegetables, Davis."

Well, guess what? I haven't had a sip of water

or a veggie since last Friday,

and I'm fine!

Come over tonight.

Can I get a meatball sub and a bag of potato chips?

- Yeah, sure. - Thanks.

Hey. Chicken Caesar salad.

- No cheese, no dressing, no croutons. - You got it.

Ordering a meatball sub while wearing a white shirt?

That's brave.

I zip my coat all the way up while I eat.

Are we cool?

You ignored my text.

I would like to see you beyond just, like, sex.

Okay, we spend 80 hours a week together at work.

I don't think it's possible to see each other more.

That's not what I mean.

I get that this needs to be a secret for now.

But if we're dating, I need to go on an actual date.

Like, going out to dinner and spending the night.

And if that's not possible, I'm okay with not doing this anymore,

which is a shame because I really like you.

Now, if you excuse me, I am going to find a spot to eat

where the pigeons can't get my sub.

You know, I love strong, ambitious women making their mark.

So, I'm good with Elena getting the job.

But how can she imply I'm self-centered?

That's crazy.

Hey, you mind taking the trash to the chute?

I'm a super smeller, so it's hard for me.

I've just been throwing the bags out the window

into the dumpster down there.

- It's like Dude Perfect. - Oh.

Great.

This remote is really sticky.

I feel like it wasn't always like this.

Davis!

For three!

Wait, why haven't you cued up Big yet?

- We're not watching Big. - Why?

Because it's about a 30-something woman

sleeping with a kid in Tom Hanks's body.

Only a pervert would think that.

It's about the importance of facing the world

- with childlike wonder. - What?

Even in the end, Elizabeth Perkins is like,

"Jesus Christ, what have I done?"

Oh, my God, you ruin everything. No wonder Elena dumped you.

You're just jealous of me.

I would never be jealous of those muscles!

You stretch out this cardigan, I'll kill you.

I should've thrown that out the window too!

I'm invoking landlord rights.

What is going on in here?

Why are you throwing garbage out the window?

I just got hit in the head with the heel of a French bread pizza.

That's Josh. I had a jar of old sauce for dinner.

Shut up! Get your shit together, or you're out.

At least the Murray Hill Mangler

kept to himself when he lived here.

Blow out your candles, Laura.

So, goodnight.

Wow. I'm really impressed.

That was so good. Also, I love this play.

I would totally watch it if it were an HBO miniseries.

Abby, this acting class is changing my life.

It's helping me realize how right I was to quit med school.

That's so great.

Okay, do you wanna run it again?

Should we wait for AJ? I told her she can read Gentleman Caller.

Yeah, but you don't wanna wait until, like, 2 am

or whenever her booty call sends her home.

Okay, then yeah, l-let's do it.

It's like, "Get a backbone, AJ."

You say you're a feminist,

and this is how you let a man treat you?

Right. Right.

- I... I think you have the first line. - Oh.

You started without me?

I thought I was gonna play Gentleman Caller.

We just didn't know when you'd be back home.

Yeah, sorry. It's just, Abby said...

Sh... never mind.

- Let's take it from the top. - No.

What did Abby say?

I just said, given that your schedule

is based on the whims of a man you're seeing,

we didn't know when you'd be back home.

See, Kel? This is what we've been talking about.

You guys have been talking about me?

Yeah, we were. Kel and I both feel

you could be less judgmental and more supportive.

Oh! That's really interesting, Kel,

because we've been talking about how AJ

might be a little delusional in her relationship.

Do you really feel that way, Kel?

Friends should be supportive?

Whose side are you on, Kel?

Yeah, pick a side, Kel.

I'm not on either side, okay?

'Cause you guys are both being really...

and I'm only saying this 'cause I can't find another word,

bitchy.

Excuse me?

You did not just call us bitchy.

I didn't want to, but you drove me to it.

Why don't you two just talk to each other?

Oh! Oh! I'm sorry. Is the little clown

who got kicked out of his own apartment

telling us how to live?

I didn't get kicked out, I left.

We took your ass in off the streets.

Hey, it's Davis and Josh.

Go away!

K-Kel, we are so sorry.

We neither recognized nor respected all that you do

- for our home and friendship. - Apology accepted.

Thanks for your hospitality.

But your bathroom is a disaster. No one needs that many creams.

They're serums!

- I'm sorry. - No, I'm sorry.

I should have kept my opinions to myself.

No, you were right. And it pushed me

to actually stand up for myself.

I told Bill I deserve more, and he invited me on a real date.

- Wait, when? - He texted me earlier.

But I just wanted to clear the air

- before I told you. - Okay, tell me exactly what he said.

He just said he's taking me on a date, and to meet him downtown.

He sent an address.

Oh, my God. A last-minute surprise downtown date?

I am going to make you look so hot.

And, you know, if you wanted to pay me a styling fee,

- I wouldn't say no. - Wait, why?

I have had the worst week.

And I promise to tell you all about it,

but you have to promise not to wear a tie on your date.

I think ties are chic, but fine.

Mm!

So, seriously, nothing happened with Abby while you were living there?

No, man. She's not into me.

Well, we're glad to have you back where you belong.

- Right in your couch indent. - It's good to be back.

But before I turn on the movie, let's set some ground rules.

You will acknowledge that my job is real, even if it's temporary,

and that acting is a noble profession

and saves as many lives as being a doctor.

What? No, I mean, come on.

How 'bout we agree it saves as many lives as investment banking?

Fine.

Now, let's watch Big, which we will also all agree

is problematic, but fine.

Okay, sure.

I like the piano scene.

And the kid stuff's a little weird.

Hey Kate, what are you doing later?

Wanna hang out?

- Whoa. - Whoa?

Why whoa?

Are you going somewhere after this?

No. Why, are you?

No. No. Sorry.

Sorry. You look incredible.

I'm just worried you might be a little overdressed.

Why? Where are we going?

- Oh. - Yeah.

Oh, okay!

- Good? - Yeah.

- You all good? - Great.

This is so exciting.

I didn't realize Staten Island had good restaurants.

We are actually eating here.

What?

- What the hell is this? - It's a PB&J.

Bill, I... I don't want to be eating

homemade sandwiches on a ferry.

This is like the start of an SVU episode.

Okay, I know it's not the most glamorous, but let me explain.

I lived on Staten Island

when I moved to the city from Oklahoma.

And I took the ferry to work.

I hated how poor I was, and the clothes I wore,

and I just wanted to hurry up and get to the part

where I was successful.

But this?

This was the best part of the day.

Looking out at the city and all the promise it held.

As hard as everything else was...

I always looked forward to it.

Okay, I take it back.

You know, I've actually never told anyone that stuff.

Hey, are we dating?

Yeah, obviously.

Yeah, but are you, like, casting a wide net for data?

What are you actually asking me right now?

Do you want to date other people?

You make me not want to.

Oh, shit.

Go to bed.