All language subtitles for Allo.Allo.1984.S01E02.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H264-Vialle

- My name is Rene.

This is my cafe, but at the
moment,

my life is one big problem.

You see, I have to be nice to
the Germans.

They are my customers.
They are winning the war.

So if I am not nice to
them, they will shoot me.

I have to be nice to the
resistance.

- Otherwise, they will shoot him

for being nice to the Germans.

- I have to be nice to my wife
because

if she finds out I'm having
an affair with Yvette,

she will shoot me.

And if Yvette finds out I'm
having an affair with Maria,

well, she will shoot me.

Now, Otto Flick, the Gestapo
officer

is having dinner in the back
room.

Upstairs are two German
officers in their underwear

because I have borrowed their
uniforms

to help two British airmen to
escape.

The pianist over there is in
fact

a forger for the Marquis.

And the German officer
at that table fancies me.

And it is only Tuesday.

- Rene, the Colonel is
getting very impatient.

You promised you would have his
uniform

back in 15 minutes.

It is now 45.

- Take his mind off it. Keep
him amused.

- How can I, look at my celery.

- But Maria, can't you
entertain him?

- How can I, my celery isn't
even good enough for soup.

- Herr Flick of the
Gestapo is paying his bill.

- Rene, Herr Flick says he's
going to search the building.

He will find the painting
of the Fallen Madonna

by Van Klump in the cellar.

- No, no, the painting has gone.

But so too, have the uniforms

of the Colonel and your Captain.

- If they find the Colonel and
the Captain

in their underwear, this could
make the Gestapo suspicious.

- Helga, you must keep Herr
Flick amused.

- Amusing the Gestapo is
a very serious business.

- Well, surely you can think of
something?

- I have it. Give me a large
glass of your strongest brandy.

- I've got it, at once.

There.

- You have 10 minutes. Make it
five.

- We must hide the
German officers quickly.

- Take them to the room of my
mother.

- Maria, go and tell the
officers.

I will explain to the old girl.

- Allez, it is. Can nobody here
me?

- Shut up you old bat.

This place is crawling with the
Gestapo.

- I shall tell zem nothing.

- Now, listen carefully
to what I have to say.

Two German officers are
coming to your room.

Pigs.

I will fight them to my dying
breath.

Oh no, they have already
taken off their uniforms.

Have you no finesse?

- They will not touch you,
Maman.

That is what they said in 1917.

- Get in the wardrobe.

- If I do not have my
uniform in 10 minutes,

you will be shot.

- But Colonel, your revolver
is on the belt of the uniform,

which is around the waist
of the British airman,

who is not here.

- Oh, get in there.

- Rene, he is searching the
restaurant

and then he is on his way up
here.

- Who is?

- Otto Flick of the Gestapo.

- Gestapo?

- Not a word the Gestapo are
coming.

If they find the Germans in the
wardrobe,

I could be shot.

- I shall not yield to
the torture of ze Gestapo,

long live France.

- Shut up.

- Herr Otto Blick.

- Good evening.

- Good evening Herr.

- I am sorry to put you to
inconvenience,

but there are certain
things I need to know.

- There are two German
officers in the wardrobe,

and ze radio is under my bed.

- Very amusing.

I see I'm wasting my
time here. Heil Hitler.

- Heil Hitler.

- I will take the cognac
to the German officers

in the room with my mother.

If they do not get their
uniforms soon,

they will go mad.

- Go with her Yvette, she
is under a great strain.

- Rene, when are we going to be
alone.

- Go to the pantry,
wait for me by the brie.

Keep the lid on until I arrive.

Check the window.

- All clear.

- Put that chair at the back of
the door.

Now climb on the chair. Oh,
Maria.

- Oh, Rene.

- My little cabbage, my little
bean shoot.

- My big cucumber.

- You have no idea what the feel

of your firm young body does to
me.

- Yes I have.

- Hold me forever.

- Ahhh. What were you saying to
Yvette?

- Nothing. Nothing, nothing.

No, she is nothing to me.

You are my only true love.

- But how long can we keep our
affair secret from your wife?

- Well as long as my hearing is
good

and my reactions are quick.

- There's someone at the window.

- Yes, I heard, but
these cowardly old legs

of mine are paralyzed with fear.
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of mine are paralyzed with fear.

- I shall see who it is.

- Oh, you know the velvet is
wearing.

We shall have to start
using another chair soon.

- It is the resistance.

- Michelle, why are you here?

- Listen very carefully. I
shall say this only once.

- Rene, there is no brie.

- I ate it last night.

- Listen, I shall say this only
once.

- Rene, the German officers
cannot stay

in the room of my mother.

London will be calling on the
radio.

The radio is under our
bed and the loudspeaker

is in our chamber.

If the Germans hear our voice
coming from a chamberpot,

our cover will be blown.

- Shut up.

Michelle has something to tell
us.

- Listen very carefully. I
shall say this only once.

- What is it that you are going
to say?

- I haven't said it yet.

If you listen, I will tell you.

- The suspense is killing me.

- The two British airmen
wearing the German uniforms

have been captured.

- No.

- Yes.

- No.

- Yes.

- No.

- Yes!

- Will nobody believe this
woman?

Get on with the story.

- They have been captured
by the resistance.

- Then why are we worried?

- They have not been
captured by our resistance?

- What other resistance is
there?

- Well the communist resistance.

- What are you?

- De Gaulle.

- De Gaulle?

- He is the tall one.

- With the big hooter.

- Can you not just ask them if
we can have

our uniforms back?

- We do not know where
they are hiding them.

What is more, we do not speak
to them.

When the war is over, which
ever is the strongest group

will control France.

The communists are ruthless
killers.

We will have to eliminate them.

- But we cannot get those
Germans

out of here without uniforms.

- Oh, the uniforms are no
problem.

London can do anything.

- I cannot tell the Germans
I'm in touch with London.

They would have me shot.

- We could tell them
Monsieur Leclerc the forger

is a tailor and he is going
to make them new uniforms.

- Rene, you are married
to a very clever woman.

- Well I have always
preferred brains to beauty.

- Unless they have big knockers.

- Go and tell Leclerc.

- Look, how can we get
uniforms from London.

The wireless is under
the bed and the Germans

are in the wardrobe.

- This is no problem.

We will send the message by
pigeon.

- We have no pigeons.

- They will be provided.

Tomorrow morning at midday, you
will go

to 36 Rue D'escargot.

You will knock three times and
they will give you pigeons.

To avoid suspicion, you will
be disguised as a small boy.

- But why can't I be
disguised as a small girl.

- Because you are a small girl.

- You know what to do?

- Yes, yes, of course.

I am to pretend I am a tailor.

But who do I measure?

- Two German officers.

They are in the room of
my mother in the wardrobe,

in their underwear.

- Of course.

I have come for the
measurements.

- Oh there it is, it's the
undertaker.

I am in ze peak of health.

- That voice. That face.

Do these old eyes deceive me?

Can it be after all these years?

My Fanny.

- Oh, can it be?

It is, Roger.

My own sweetheart, Roger.

- Fanny.

- Oh, Roger.

- Fanny.

- After all these years.

Where have you been?

- In my life.

- And now fate has brought us
together.

Remember when we were young?

You used to run your fingers
through

my lovely long hair.

- Yes, I remember you
always used to bite my ear.

- I remember.

Where did I put my teeth?

- That is the barn there.

- Is that where they're hiding
them?

- Oh, without a doubt.

- We must get those uniforms,
so we have to attack.

Now, listen very carefully.
I shall say this only once.

- Alright, listen to me, my
friends.

Unless you tell us what we want
to know,

I will make life very
uncomfortable for you.

- What's she talking
about, do you suppose?

- I've actually no idea.

The trouble is, I do believe
they think we're Jerries.

- Not Jerries. In disguise.

- On your side.

- Show zem ze Magneto and ze
lids.

Perhaps you recognize this
method of loosening ze tongue.

- I think I've got it Carstairs.

- What is it?

- They've got a car that won't
start

and they want us to help them.

- But unfortunately I
know nothing about cars.

- Neither do I.

- Sorry, can't help.

- She seems damn keen to get it
going.

- You have five minutes to talk.

Otherwise I will shoot you.

- If we don't get it going,
she's going to shoot herself.

- That would be a damn shame.

Such a pretty girl.

We better agree to do what we
can.

We'll do what we can.

- I thought so. They are
prepared to talk.

Cut them down.

- Ready, take aim, fire!

- Quick, it's the
Germans, out ze back way.

- I think we better
take a powder Carstairs.

- If that's the Jerries,
we could be shot as spies.

We better get rid of these
uniforms.

- Shove 'em on the fire.

- Cease fire.

They are running for it.

They think we are Germans.
Get to the bridge.

We will cut them off there.

- I thought they were on our
side.
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- I thought they were on our
side.

♪ Hear my song

♪ In my gondola

♪ Waiting on the old lagoon

- Rene, the German officers
will wait no longer.

They are coming downstairs.

- In their underwear?

- No they have changed. Look.

- Where did they get those
clothes?

- From the wardrobe in the
room of your wife's mother.

They are the disguises
left by the British airmen.

- Ah, Pierre and Jack, the
onion sellers.

Wine on the house, for my
old friends Pierre and Jack.

Come and sit down over
here, my friends, that's it.

Sit very comfortably here, that
is it.

A brilliant disguise Colonel.

We'll have your uniforms
back as soon as possible.

- You said that yesterday.

If we do not get the uniforms
today,

you will be shot.

- Up against the wall, with
guns.

- But I see you are a man of
compassion,

even as you say these words,
there are tears in your eyes.

- It's these damn onions.

- Ah, little George, my nephew.

Well it's good to see you
again, lad.

- I have what you want Uncle,
here.

- Yeah, good boy, good boy.

Now take that basket,
full of your schoolbooks

and put it in the backroom.

- For you Uncle, anything.

- This boy is very well built.

- Yeah, it is my wife's cooking.

- Why is he wearing
stockings and suspenders?

- We have many problems.

- Otto Flick of the Gestapo
is meeting here for lunch.

You must go at once.

- Too late, here he is.

- Frau Helga, you are here
early.

That is good.

- You told me not to be late.

- Your obedience pleases me.
Sit.

- Yes, Herr Flick. Where?

- Here.

You French peasants, I am the
Gestapo.

I want this table. Go
away or you will be shot.

- We could take that table.

- Helga, when I make up
my mind I want something,

I always get it.

- This I know Herr Flick.

That's why I find you so
exciting.

- You French peasants,
I am speaking to you.

Look at me.

Colonel Von Strom and Captain
Gearing.

- Heil Hitler.

- Klop.

- Why are you dressed in the
fashion of onion sellers?

- We can explain.

- I'm waiting.

- He's waiting.

- I'm trying to infiltrate the
resistance.

- I am doing the same as he is.

- Dressed as a Colonel,
the French avoid me.

With these onions, I'm one of
them.

- I am one of them, too.

- I must admit, you look like
one of them.

I could not help

overhearing this conversation.

- This has got nothing to do
with you.

Go and drink your cognac.

- This is an idea worthy of the
Gestapo.

Helga, come with me.

- Yes, Herr Flick.

- Do you think he suspects
anything?

- Not at the moment.

But we must have those uniforms.

- Well, there is a slight
problem Colonel.

- What problem?

You have our measurements.

All we need is a fitting.

- Yes, well that too would be a
problem.

You see the uniforms are
being made in London.

- What?

- Don't worry, they're being
made by the very best tailors.

Maybe even Savile Row.

- Colonel, we are Germans.

To have our uniforms
made in London must be

against the rules.

- That does it.

I will tell the Gestapo
and you will be shot.

- Ah, but dear Colonel, with
respect,

I'm afraid you are in too deep.

There is the little matter
of helping the British

airmen to escape.

- You did do that Colonel.

- Then there is the priceless
painting of the Fallen Madonna

by Van Klump, which is
wanted by the Fuhrer.

- You did pinch that Colonel.

- You're in just as deep as I
am.

- I only follow orders, your
orders.

- Dear lovely Colonel, there is
no

real reason to worry.

Very soon, you will
have your uniforms back

and the copy of the painting to
give

to the Gestapo to please the
Fuhrer.

The girls will be here
with the wet celery.

And life will be back to normal.

- He is right Colonel.

- He better be. This war
is getting very dangerous.

- Ah, I will ask my
wife to prepare for you

a very special lunch.

Edith, we must keep those
onion sellers happy.

- Shall I sing a song for them?

- No, I want you to go into the
kitchen

and do something unforgettable.

- Rene, you have not said that
to me

since April 1940.

Oh.

- Maria, I am very cross with
you.

- Should I get on the chair?

- No. What are these doing
here, hmmm?

- Their suspenders to
keep up my stockings.

- Gentlemen do not wear
suspenders and stockings.

- You should see the
Colonel on a good night.

- You nearly gave away the
whole game.

Now take those pigeons and hide
them.

And for heaven's sake, put on a
dress.

The German lieutenant
thinks I'm like that.

- You of all people?

Yes.

- Don't move.

Lock the door.

Are we alone?

- Well unless you count
the three of us, yes.

Have you find the British
with the uniforms?

- We found them, but they ran
away.

Do you have the pigeons?

- Yes.

- Good, I have here the cylinder
to attach to their legs.

Do you have the measurements
of the German officers?

- Oh yes, I've got them here.

- Good, Maria, you will put
this in here,

and clip it to the leg
of one of the pigeons.

You Rene, will right a
description

of the uniforms we require.

Here is the paper supplied
with the cylinder.

- What shall I say?

- To London, please supply
urgently by parachute drop

at your earliest convenience
German uniforms as follows.

One Colonel in research
regiment with full medals.

- A moment, please.

How am I supposed to get all on
that

on this little bit of paper?

- With very small writing.

- You know, if you had
found those British,

we could've got the uniforms
back.

We wouldn't have to go
through all this farrago.

- Heya.

- Hello.

- Sorry about the togs.

We had to pick them off
a couple of scarecrows.

- Never mind that, chaps,
what about the uniforms?

- We burned them.

We didn't want to be thought as
spies.

- The painting's safe though.

- What are you jabbering about?

- They still have the picture,

but they have burnt the
uniforms.

- Oh heck.

They cannot stay here.

Germans are everywhere.

- You will have to find
somewhere.

- Well there is only the
room of my wife's mother.

- Well the German Colonel
and Captain are hiding there.

- Oh no no, they are
now in the restaurant,

disguised as onion sellers.

- Then we don't have to send
the message by the pigeon.

We can use the radio.

- What shall I do with these?

- Hide them.

Come, please.

- Hello Maman. It is I, little
Edith.

- What are you doing in
the bed of my mother?

- We were childhood sweethearts.

She was my love. But I
thought I had lost it.

- Now once again, he has found
it.

- This could only happen in
France.

Here is your soup, Maman.

- Maman, I...

What is the forger who is
pretending to be a tailor,

doing in bed with your mother?

- He's an old lover. Isn't it
romantic.

- Rheumatic I would say.

Now listen to me.

For a very brief period,
you must accommodate

these two British airmen.

- These togs have a frightful
pong.

Could you hang them on
a line or something.

- They're taking off their
clothes.

They are no better than the
Germans.

Protect me.

- The radio.

- Oh yes.

- Come on chaps, lend
a hand, lift the bed.

- Right-oh.

- The soup. Hold this.

- Thank you very much.

- You have this.

- I say they can't have
much confidence in the soup.

- Allo, allo, this is Nighthawk,

are you receiving me, over.
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are you receiving me, over.

- These are my private quarters.

I have had it made
completely soundproofed.

- I can guess why.

- Yes, the noise of
the lorries was keeping

me awake at night.

- This is my godfather,
Heinrich Himmler.

That one is me in ze Hitler
youth.

- Your knees are very beautiful.

- That's why I trained.

- I too was in Hitler youth.

- We are two of a kind. You may
kiss me.

That gave me great pleasure.

- This room has a very
exciting atmosphere.

Do you interrogate people here?

- Well, just a little bit.

I have to keep up appearances.

Berlin expects this sort of
thing.

But as you know, I am a softie
at heart.

Sit in that chair.

- Yes, Herr Flick.

- I want some information from
you.

I'll tell you
anything, Herr Flick, anything.

- The Colonel and the Captain,

do you think they know the
whereabouts

of the Fallen Madonna by Van
Klump?

- I'm sure they do not.

- Good, we will have some wine.

Go to that cupboard.

- Yes, Herr Flick.

- Open it.

- Yes, Herr Flick.

- From time to time, it is
necessary for the Gestapo

to have many disguises.

Bring me the two hangers
on ze extreme right.

- Yes, Herr Flick.

- These are the clothes of
onion sellers.

We will disguise ourselves
and return to the cafe.

- Do you think they will fit?

- There is only one way to find
out.

Take off your uniform.

- Yes, Herr Flick.

- We will observe the normal
proprieties.

I will change behind this
screen.

Continue to take off your
uniform.

- Herr Flick, I hope you do not
disapprove

of my choice of undergarments.

- Not at all.

Such things are very popular
in Berlin these days.

- You know Colonel, it is quite
pleasant

to be a French onion seller.

People smile at us.

- Especially that German
officer over there.

- Hi, hello.

I think I'd prefer being a
peasant to being a German.

- You'll be a dead peasant if
Herr Flick

finds out we've been helping
British airmen to escape.

- I have good news Colonel.

London is making your uniforms.

They are working through the
night.

And they will be dropped by
parachute at dawn tomorrow.

- But how do we know they will
fit.

- Well they are being
made by the very best

Savile Row tailors, Solomon and
Klein.

- Jewish tailors?

Are you mad?

- They are the best Herr
Colonel.

- That's not the point, Hans.

It's the principle of the thing.

If I'd known they were
employing Jewish tailors,

things would have been
different.

- We could have ordered some
extra shirts.

- Your lunch will soon be ready.

- What is it? Gefilte fish and
bagels?

- No it is a surprise.

- How much longer do we have to
wait?

- Should I sing a song
to help pass the time?

- No, get back to the kitchen.

Oh my god, more onion sellers.

- Colonel, it is I, Helga.

- Why are you dressed as an
onion seller?

Herr Flick will be suspicious.

- He is also disguised as an
onion seller.

- Good afternoon, Herr patron,
I am just

a simple onion seller in
search of fun and food.

Sit.

- Yes, Herr onion seller.

- I will obtain wine and food
at once.

- Monsieur Rene, that onion
seller there,

is he another cousin?

- Oh, very distant, yes.

- I'm begining to recognize
your cousins.

They're all very well built.

- Here it is, a work of art.

Casserole of pigeon.

- It looks very appetizing.

- Will you join us?

- I shall be most honored.

- Beast or leg?

- I like the legs.

- I can vouch for the truth of
this.

- Where did you get pigeon?

- They were in a basket in the
kitchen.

- You fool. They were carrier
pigeons.

- No.

- Yes.

- No.

- Don't start, look, there
on the leg is a cylinder.

It contains the
measurements of the Colonel.

- There is a cylinder attached
to the leg of this casserole.

- That's spices Herr Flick.

They should've been removed,
allow me.

- Stop! I will investigate.

Inside the cylinder, covered in
gravy,

there is a piece of paper.

There's writing on it.

- Wait, well perhaps it is the
recipe.

Or maybe even the name and
the address of the pigeon.

- Clearly it is in code.

This will go at once to Berlin

to be deciphered by experts.

Congratulations Herr Colonel,
already these disguises

are producing results.

- Rene, what was on that paper?

What will they discover?

- Only that somebody's
inside leg measurement

is 34, chest 42 and neck 17.

- Who's that person?

- You, Colonel.

It was for the new
uniform, but don't worry,

your name was not upon it.

- Suppose they identify
it from the measurements.

- Colonel, many people have a
42 chest,

even Helga if you include her
onions.

- What shall we do Hans?

- I think we should eat the
pigeons.

- Hans, you are right.

Rene, the vegetables.

- At once, Herr Colonel.