All language subtitles for Allo.Allo.1984.S01E01.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H264-Vialle

- Oh, we need more cement.

Where is Yvette?

- She's in the kitchen
with your wife mixing it.

- Mix, not for me, I hope.

- She says she will bring
it down when it was ready.

- Yvette, why have you been so
long?

- Well, how could I walk
through the cafe

carrying a bucket of cement?

It is full of German officers.

- But this is my wife's best
mixing bowl.

- Which is why I was able to
pretend it was full of pastry.

- Was nobody suspicious?

- One of the officers put
his finger in and tasted it.

- My God, what happened?

- He said your wife's
cooking was getting better.

What are you doing?

- I am hiding the painting
of The Fallen Madonna

with the Big Boobies by van
Klomp.

Also the priceless cuckoo clock.

If the Gestapo find out
about them, I will be shot.

- If your wife finds out about
you and me you'll be shot.

- We live in dangerous times.

Maria, go upstairs and stand by
the door.

If anyone approaches, stamp
your foot.

- Okay.

- I need 10 minutes.

- Just to put one little brick
in?

- The patron knows his
limitations.

He's not acquainted with
the art of laying bricks.

- He's certainly acquainted
with the art

of laying everything else.

- Go to your post!

- Rene, my love.

- Yvette, my flower.

- Oh, you are the most
exciting man I have ever known.

Let me kiss you.

Let me hold you tight.

- No, no, my cabbage, no.

It is getting hard, and I
must get it in immediately.

Rene, Rene!

- It is my wife.

- Rene?

There are two black hand marks

on the back of the blouse of
Yvette.

- You came all the way down
to the cellar to tell me that?

- The hand marks are the
same size as your hand marks.

- Yes, of course they are.

Well, when I hear you approach,
I think it is the Gestapo

and so I wiped my hands
on the blouse of Yvette

so they will not see I am
building a wall.

- Ah, you think of everything.

- Yes, I hope so.

- I have a message for you.

Michelle is upstairs.

- Michelle?

- From the Resistance.

I will come at once.

Lay this brick.

- But I have no experience
of laying bricks.

- Just pretend it is a German
officer.

- You don't think she suspects
us, do you?

- No, never.

I let her think I am not
interested

in that kind of thing anymore.

- Does she believe you?

- She has to or I make her sleep

in the wardrobe.

- Michelle is in the back room.

Should I sing a song to
distract everyone?

- No, we don't want to
lose anymore customers.

You better come with me.

Pst, I want you in the back
room.

- A little note would
have been more discreet.

- Not you, Maria.

- Oh I was wondering why I
wasn't

getting anywhere.

- Where is Michelle?

- I am here.

- Put that away.

If it goes off, it could make a
noise,

not to mention a hole.

- Who is in the cafe?

- Seven German officers and two
sergeants

from the Third Panzer
Grenadiers.

- Ah, that is all right.

Where are the two British
airmen?

- They are hiding in
the room with my mother.

- And the forger?

- He is disguised as a piano
player.

- He plays for me when I
sing for the customers.

- He is a very bad pianist,

but when my wife sings, nobody
notices.

The customers stuff cheese in
their ears.

- Gather around.

Now listen very carefully, I
shall

say this only once.

- Well in that case, could you
please

speak slowly?

- There is no time.

I have information that you are
to be

interrogated by the Germans.

- What?

- It is from a reliable source.

It is good information.

- Well for me it is the very
worst

information I have ever heard.

- Have they blown our cover?

- We have no cover, you silly
old bat.

I am a restaurant owner.

You are my wife.

Please do not use
sophisticated expressions

you do not understand.

- They don't suspect that we're

trying to help the
British airmen, do they?

- We don't know.

But they are ruthless men.

They may even take your
wife and torture her

in front of you.

- Rene.

- Do not worry, I will tell
them nothing.

- On the other hand, they may

just work on you to drag out of
you

everything you know.

- But I know very little except

your name and the fact that we
are

hiding a few British airmen.

- And then there's the
radio under the bed.

And the code book.

And in the cellar, the cuckoo
clock

and the painting of The Fallen
Madonna

with the Big Boobies.

- You see?

She remembers much more than I
do.

She's the one they should
interrogate.

- Here.

Take this ring.

- Well, that's very nice of you,

but I don't wear jewelry.

- It is hollow.

So, inside is a pill.

If they torture you and
you cannot stand the pain,

crush it between your teeth.

- Ah I see.

It is a painkiller.

- You will feel nothing.

- For how long?

- Forever.

- Oh my god, all I want is a
quiet life.

- Take that and you'll have one.

- Are you sure that they will
send for me?

- Hello, hello?

Cafe Rene.

It is for you.

- 'Allo?

It is Colonel von Strohm.

What shall I say?

- Act normally.

'Allo, Colonel.

How nice to hear your voice
again.

You wish to order a table?

No.

Well,

when are you going to come
to see us again, Colonel?

Hm, huh?

You want me to come and see you?

Oh well, no no, this is
very difficult, Colonel,

you see I am a very busy man.

I have the cafe and the kitchen
and

my wife and

my bicycle has got a puncture.

No.

No, there will be no need
to send an armored car.

No.

Yes, bye.

Quick, my walking boots and
another sack,

and make some sandwiches.

- But the German headquarters
is only

two minutes from here.

- Yes, but I am heading for the
coast.

- Don't be a fool.

If you disappear, they will tear

this place apart and we will
all be shot.

No, you must go to them and
bluff it out.

- I am rapidly running out of
bluff.

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- Herr Colonel, here, look.

All we need is a pair of pliers

to turn the tap and a
length of rubber hose

to connect this old gas poker.

Then we have a nice warm
fire whenever we want.

- Well done, Hans.

Order them right away.

- Herr Colonel, there is
a man here to see you.

- Is he from the Gestapo?

- No, he's French and he's very
nervous.

- Herr Colonel, it could be the
Gestapo

pretending to be French.

- You're right, Hans,
we must be very careful.

What's his name?

- Monsieur Rene.

- It's Rene from the cafe.

Show him in.

- The Colonel will see you now.

- Oh Colonel, what an
honor it is to be received

in your wonderful commandeered
office.

And I've taken the liberty of
bringing

a few simple, worthless gifts
for you.

A bottle of Chateau Lafite '37.

Some rather good cigars
which I was keeping

until after the war was over,
but as

you're doing so well, I
thought you might as well

have them now.

Some cheese.

A little cognac.

Napoleon, of course.

And a small bottle of
perfume for your assistant.

- Thank you very much,
but I don't wear it.

- Not you.

This assistant.

This beautiful young lady.

This fine example of German
womanhood.

- Oh, thank you.

- Now what can I do for you,
Colonel?

- We just want you to
answer a few questions.

- Will there be anything else,

Colonel?

Hans?

- Yes, Colonel, we shall require

a pair of pliers and some
rubber hose.

- Oh no, not the pliers
and the rubber hose.

No.

I will tell you everything I
know.

- It is so we can get
the gas poker working.

- Not the gas poker.

I will tell you everything I
don't know.

- Sit down, Rene.

We have a serious problem.

- Yes, well I don't think it's

as serious as my problem.

- We know you have been
hiding British airmen

and helping them to escape.

- Well I know you know that,
Colonel,

but may I remind you that on
your behalf,

I am also hiding a valuable old
painting

which you hope to sell after
the war.

- One all?

- Not to mention the
priceless cuckoo clock.

- Two, one.

- No, Hans, no score, because
we're gonna

hand that painting to the
Gestapo

and then they will leave us in
peace

because we will hand you over
as well.

- Oh, but Colonel, that painting

was to be your pension after
the war.

With it you could have bought
your own

little Berchtesgaden in the
mountains.

If you hand it over,
you will have nothing.

And if you hand me over, well,

the cafe will not be the same
without

jolly, jovial, generous Rene.

The life and soul of any party.

- It is very sad, Rene, but
there is

no other course open to us.

But we've enjoyed your
hospitality.

- Yes, I had noticed.

- We've always regarded you as
a friend.

- Well I look upon you
in the same way, Colonel.

And the captain, and the young
lady

out there with the big...

- We all think of her as a
friend.

- The last thing in the world
we want

is for you to suffer at the
hands

of the Gestapo.

- Well you are most
considerate, Colonel.

- So I am going to give you
this ring.

Inside is a pill.

Crush it between your teeth.

- And then in one and a half
seconds,

you shall be like a dead beetle.

- I don't think I shall ever
forget

your kindness, Colonel.

- Perhaps Rene would like to
give

his wife one.

- Even a Frenchman cannot think

of that sort of thing at a time
like this.

- Here, take it.

- Colonel, a little idea is
running around

in my brain.

How would it be if we let the
Gestapo

find a copy of the painting?

- You have a copy of the
painting?

- No, no, but perhaps one could
be made

by,

let us say, a forger.

- You know a forger?

- Well, in my business you meet
all sorts.

Mind you, he would want pay.

- How much?

- Well, money means so very
little

in these hard times, but

perhaps a bottle of Chateau
Lafite '37,

and some cigars, and a little
cognac.

- What about the cheese?

- You may keep the cheese.

- We could use it to stuff in
our ears

when his wife sings in the cafe.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
now it is cabaret time

at the Cafe Rene, and tonight,

to sing for you, we have Madam
Edith.

- Oh my dear friends, thank you

for your welcome.

Are there any requests?

Well, in that case, I will sing

for you an old favorite,

Under the Bridges of Paris.

- Would you apply to me with
the cheese

board and hurry.

♪ My darling why I sing this
song

♪ It's easy to explain

- Oh, Yvette, it was a
nightmare.

But I thought I was never going
to get

out of there alive.

Question after question after
question.

Only I gave nothing away.

- Oh Rene, you are so brave.

While you were there, I lit
candles.

- You were praying for me?

- We had a power cut.

- Oh Yvette, I never
thought I was going to

hold you in my arms again.

- Oh Rene.

- Oh Yvette.

♪ Under the bridges of Paris
with you

♪ I'd make your dreams come true

- Has she finished?

- I mustn't use Gouda again.

It has too many holes.

- Good evening.

- It's Herr Flick.

- Of the Gestapo?

- Of the Gestapo.

- Would you like a table?

- Not in here.

I have ordered a private room.

- Rene has reserved it
for you, Herr Flick.

Would you come this way?

Oh,

you have just missed the
cabaret.

But never mind, later I will
sing

for you privately.

- That will not be necessary.

- This is our private room,
Herr Flick.

And these are the
candlesticks of my mother.

- This is adequate.

I shall require a bottle of
your best wine

at once.

- Of course, Herr Flick.

- You will sit there.

- You're so forceful and
dominating,

it's very exciting.

- Good.

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- Very careful.

This is our life insurance.

But maybe, on the other hand,

it could be our death warrant.

Ah.

Monsieur Leclerc, take a look
at this.

- Oh, it is The Fallen
Madonna with the Big Boobies.

- Can you do another one?

- Three big boobies?

- Can you forge another picture?

- Ah.

Well the signature, yes.

The painting,

no.

- But you are a forger.

- Yes, but not of paintings.

- Monsieur Rene.

What?

- Otto Flick is in the back
room.

Okay, ah, and England will be
calling you

in one minute on the radio in
the bedroom

of your mother-in-law.

- How close to disaster we live
in

this world of cloak and dagger.

- Shall I hide it again?

- Yes, but don't brick it up,
we may

need it later.

The Resistance may have a
proper forger.

- Hello, mama.

What is the matter?

Why are knocking with your
stick?

- To make you hear me.

All day I am alone.

No one comes to see me.

What kind of a life is
this for your poor mother?

Gazing at the ceiling and

eating

onion soup.

Nothing but onion soup.

- Do not light the candle 'til
I have

opened the window.

- Ah, so.

At last, you come to see your
poor old,

frail mother-in-law.

- Shut up.

Here is the loudspeaker.

And.

- Get the code book.

- Where is it?

- In the wardrobe.

Hey.

- Stay where you are, huh?

Hello, Nighthawk,

are you receiving me, over?

- 'Allo, 'allo, this is
Nighthawk

receiving you loud and crackly.

Pass your message please.

The baby will
arrive a week early.

- Look it up in the code book.

The baby will
arrive a week early.

- Oh my daughter.

Heaven be praised.

A grandchild at last.

- You old fool, I have not
put her in the family way.

- Then who has?

- We are just looking it up in
the book.

- So many strangers.

Have you no shame?

- It means the British airmen
are being

picked up tonight.

- That's a week early, but I'll
be glad

to see the back of them.

'Allo, 'allo, your message
understood.

Over and out, and things.

- Rene.

Listen very carefully.

I shall say this only once.

The airmen must leave
immediately.

- Well they cannot leave
by the main entrance,

it is being watched and everyone

is being questioned.

- Then they must leave by the
back,

through the window of your
office.

- They cannot go that way.

Herr Flick is having his dinner
in there.

- Then they must leave by this
window.

What?

We have no ladder.

- We take the sheets from the
bed

and tie them together.

- Good idea.

- Oh, how can you treat your
poor mother

in this manner?

- It's very easy.

- Now I want to see
some good, tight knots.

- Yes, of course you do.

Now, Michelle, before I forget,

we have to make a copy of

The Fallen Madonna with the Big
Boobies.

- Well let Monsieur Leclerc do
it.

- He cannot paint.

- Neither can he play the piano.

The customers block their ears.

- We have nobody.

But perhaps we could send it to
England

to have it copied.

- We could send it with
the two British airmen.

- Yvette, go and get it.

- Now we must get the bed to
the window

and tie the sheets to it.

Come on, chaps, lend a hand.

Back to the window.

- May one inquire why?

- You're going out that way.

And for heaven's sake, don't
knock

any slates off the roof.

The Gestapo are downstairs.

- Roger.

- I hope you enjoy the
food and everything.

- Do not disturb us again.

- No, Herr Flick.

- Helga, I think you should know

that I had an ulterior motive
for bringing

you here.

- This comes as no
surprise to me, Herr Flick.

- We're not here just to eat
and drink.

- It is very exciting to be
with a man

who knows what he wants.

- Of course.

- The way you ordered the
chocolate mousse

sent shivers down my spine.

- Why is it everybody
is so frightened of me?

Deep down, I'm quite a softy.

- Destroy my illusions, Herr
Flick.

- I did not wish to be
in the Gestapo, you know?

My godfather, Heinrich Himmler
insisted.

I'm not sure about this wine.

I expect the proprietor
has the better bottles

hidden in the cellar.

- I think you're right
about the wine, Herr Flick.

It's made me feel very warm all
over.

- On the other hand, now that
it has had

a chance to breathe, it has
a very mellow aftertaste.

- Has he reached the ground yet?

- No.

He's climbing back.

- What for?

The idiot.

- Here, I have it, the picture.

- How much longer must we
suffer the

indignities of this war?

- Shut up.

- Sheet's too short.

- Couldn't you jump?

- 20 foot?

I'm not in the parachute
brigade.

What's happening?

- The sheets are too short.

They will have to go
through the front door.

- But they will be
questioned by the Germans.

- The Germans?

- Do not mention the Germans in
front

of my mother.

It takes so long to clear up.

- There is only one answer.

They will have to leave
disguised

as Germans in German uniforms.

- German uniforms, she says.

Where do we get German uniforms?

- Well can your girls not help
us?

- Well.

Yvette,

dear sweet, innocent little

now you know I would not ask
this

of you normally,

but you will be doing it for
France.

- I will be doing it for 1,000
francs.

- But what about Maria?

- She'd do it for 750.

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- You seem to be very
much on edge, Herr Flick.

- Well I have had a hard day.

It is not easy being hated
by so many people, you know?

Not when you are sensitive as I
am.

- I think you're bearing up
very well.

- Not as well as you.

- Does this relax you more?

- No.

But I'm enjoying it.

- You actually asking us to
lend you

our uniforms?

- Colonel, believe me, it is
the only way

to get the picture to
England to have it copied.

- But Colonel, if the
Gestapo ever found out

that we have been helping
British airmen

to escape, do you not think that

they would be cross?

- If they find out about
the stolen painting

they will be cross.

- Look,

look, you will be upstairs with
the girls

and your uniforms will be
quietly stolen.

After a brief but very
enjoyable interval,

they will be returned to you.

Now what do you say, Colonel?

The girls are waiting.

- Will there be time for the
flying helmet

and the wet celery?

- Just.

- I agree.

What about you, Hans?

- Well, I am thinking about my
little wife

in Berlin.

- What about Maria and the egg
whisk?

- I am the...

Whew.

I'm thinking that Berlin
is a very long way away.

My wife is about the same size
as Maria,

height-wise.

- It is all fixed.

But don't forget the boots.

- Boots?

I charge extra for boots.

- Their boots.

- Get out of your togs, chaps.

The uniforms will be here any
second.

Hey, good show.

- What is happening?

- They are taking off their
clothes

ready for their disguise.

- They must not remove their
trousers

in front of my mother.

- It is war.

I understand.

- I say, look at the crumpets.

Get cracking, chaps.

- Do you think we've got time?

- Not them, the clothes.

- You French people, you have
some

very nice jewelry.

- Thank you.

- I have a trinket that is much
admired.

- Really?

- May I show it to you?

- If you must, yes.

Ah, yes.

- It has a picture inside.

- Oh.

- Look.

- Ah yes, what

lovely long blonde hair.

- Yes, isn't it?

Unfortunately he had to have it

cut off when he joined the army.

- Pst, pst.

- Are they ready?

- Well, they're dressed but
they're not

very realistic.

- Oh my god.

And they've forgotten the
painting.

The what?

- The Fallen Madonna with the
Big Boobies.

- I say, chaps, you've
forgotten the picture.

- No we haven't.

We took it out of the frame.

- Where is it now?

For heaven's sake, try
to look more German.

Goodnight, gentlemen, come
again soon.

Give my love to the Fuhrer.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

- Well,

cheerio.

- Cheerio.

- Hans.

There go our uniforms.

- They've promised them
back in 15 minutes.

- That was 10 minutes ago.

- How quickly the war passes
when

you're enjoying yourself.

My bit of crumpet.

- Oh.