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NARRATOR:
Previously on Pushing Daisies:
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You're thinking about living here,
aren't you?
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I'm just moving next door.
Is Olive ever gonna come home?
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She's the closest thing to a sister I have.
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[HUMMING]
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-What if I slip and tell the secret to Chuck?
-What secret?
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I'm Charlotte's mother.
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My God, Lily is Chuck's mother.
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Oh, a weight has been lifted.
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-Wanna come home?
-My work here is done. Come on, Pigby.
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[SNORTS]
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Are you a parent or guardian,
Emerson Cod?
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I used to be.
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You have a daughter? Where is she?
Why--?
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Stop. No.
Scratching an itch only makes it itchier.
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I love you, Lil' Gum Shoe.
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NARRATOR: Emerson Cod was 5 months,
3 days and 4 hours old...
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...when his mother planned his death.
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It would be quick, painless...
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[SCREAMS]
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...and the easiest way
for Private Detective Calista Cod...
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...to bust a stock clerk claiming millions
in pain and suffering...
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...as the result of a forklift accident.
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The firm of Cod & Cod dedicated itself
to the pursuit of truth at all costs...
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...a pursuit
young Emerson found "badass."
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Faced with scoundrels,
cheats and the havoc they wreaked...
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...mother and son made a vow:
to never let lies come between them.
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It was a profitable decision.
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The truth is the cornerstone
of any successful relationship.
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Years later,
Private Investigator Emerson Cod...
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...was less successful in another
venture: aspiring pop-up book author.
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Lil' Gum Shoe was based on
the detective's childhood adventures.
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More importantly,
it was a map designed to bring...
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...his missing daughter back.
If he could get it published.
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"Complex plot, lack of theme,
child endangerment." Man, that's cold.
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So, at this moment, Emerson Cod,
a failure at fatherhood and fiction...
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...decided to quit.
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NED: Who is she?
-I don't know.
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She just rolled in like a moody,
mean thundercloud.
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Know what you want?
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Yeah.
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Nothing, with a side of buzz off.
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Ma'am, sorry to bother.
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Perhaps you didn't realize
this is an eating establishment.
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Not a park bench, for example,
where one can loiter and smoke...
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...and not consume food
to one's heart's content.
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Got a problem, we can take it outside.
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Oh, good. Someone with a gun.
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Rhubarb.
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The whole pie'll do.
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And, Mama, when you gonna
treat yourself...
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...and spring for a decent stogy?
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The next time I trail a
white-collar money launderer to Havana.
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[LAUGHING]
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People, I wanna introduce you to the PI
who taught me everything I know.
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She's my best bud
and my mama to boot. Calista Cod.
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Hi, I'm Ned. This is Chuck and Olive.
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00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,880
What brings you to
our neck of the woods?
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Fraud case. And I've been missing
my Lil' Gum Shoe.
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Can we hit a bar? I'm starving.
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Isn't she comforting?
The brutal honesty, the sardonic wit...
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...and the appetite for hooch.
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00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,770
Add an eye patch,
and Calista could be Lily.
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How are you doing with that?
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-What's that?
-Living with the fact that...
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...the woman you've known
your whole life as a favorite aunt...
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-...is really your mother.
-Oh, that "that."
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I'm happy that I know I have a mother
who's alive.
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Not so happy she can't know
I'm alive.
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00:04:10,370 --> 00:04:13,200
Oh, suddenly what was comforting
is giving way to sadness.
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Then I'll be your comforter.
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Consider me your king-size duvet...
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...ready to wrap you
in goose-down goodness. Tonight.
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I'd love to, but I've already
made plans with Olive.
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You've been hanging out
every night since she got back.
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Not that I'm counting.
You new best friends or something?
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No. Wait. I guess we are.
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A new best friend.
Isn't that superb?
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NARRATOR:
The Pie-Maker did not think so.
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The more time Chuck spent
with her new best friend...
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00:04:38,230 --> 00:04:39,900
...the less time she had for him.
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He felt alone. But he feared the truth
would make him sound needy...
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...so instead, he lied.
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It sure is. Superb.
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For you.
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Both.
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-Wanna head home, roomie?
-Mm-hm.
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Charlotte Charles and Olive Snook's
decision to cohabitate was sudden...
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00:04:57,830 --> 00:05:00,920
...just like Olive's earlier decision
to join a nunnery...
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...where all her earthly possessions
had been given to the poor.
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00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:08,130
It was a gesture she'd all but forgotten
until she arrived home...
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00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:10,430
...with a new pet pig by her side.
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OLIVE:
Is this my place?
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00:05:11,970 --> 00:05:13,890
I'm moving out,
after having moved in...
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00:05:14,060 --> 00:05:16,140
...which came organically
from missing you...
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00:05:16,310 --> 00:05:18,140
...and watering your plants
as you asked.
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Don't worry.
All this will be gone by tomorrow.
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-Everything?
-I figure you wanna start from scratch.
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Truthfully, Olive Snook did not.
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What she wanted
was a furnished apartment.
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Scratch that. Let's be roommates.
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I couldn't impose.
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Truthfully, Charlotte Charles could.
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Like Olive Snook,
she enjoyed her things...
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...and the independence they brought.
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Although if I were to impose,
I'm a morning showerer...
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...a heavy sleeper and a dish drier.
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And I'm a late-night bath taker,
a snorer and a dish scrubber.
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Welcome home.
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Anything bigger we should discuss?
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Referring to the time you made me
an unwitting drug mule for your aunts?
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-I wasn't.
-Good. I done roasted that old chestnut.
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And I'm also okay you hid the fact that
one aunt was really my mother.
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Just like I'm okay with the fact
you didn't explain to me...
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...why you faked your own death.
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-My, look at all those bridges.
-And all that water flowing under them.
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I'm proud of us.
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-We put it on the table and dealt with stuff.
-Just move right off of it.
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Chuck and Olive had simultaneous
and sneaking suspicions...
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...that they were fooling themselves.
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00:06:22,540 --> 00:06:26,210
But they read each other's anxiety
as giddy excitement...
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...so Olive Snook changed
the subject.
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Besides, who would've thought
they'd hit it off?
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Which reminds me. Would you mind
if I had the bed by the window?
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Absolutely. Not!
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[LAUGHS]
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CALISTA:
I knew I should've knitted it larger.
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-Wool stretches.
-Well, not to China, sweetheart.
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You got a girl somewhere?
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00:06:49,570 --> 00:06:53,780
NARRATOR: Emerson Cod had lied to his
best friend and mother about two things.
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One: that he did have a girl somewhere,
age 7.
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00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:58,780
Two: that he had written a book...
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...designed to bring this girl
back into his life.
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Somebody's been feeding you.
What's her name?
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-Pie-Maker.
-Damn.
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Damn sad, me not knowing more
about what's happening in your life.
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I know we're both busy,
but it ain't right.
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Emerson Cod agreed.
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00:07:12,420 --> 00:07:15,090
It was no longer right to be
in his mother's presence...
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00:07:15,260 --> 00:07:18,260
...without coming clean
and cleaning off their cornerstone.
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His decision to share his secrets
was a noble intent.
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All right, Ma. Here's the dilly.
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Mr. Cod,
I'm in desperate need of assistance.
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What makes you so desperate, Miss...?
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Villanueva. Veronica Villanueva.
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An unsolved murder.
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Namely, that of my best friend, Joe.
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-Office is closed. Family matters. Scram.
-Please. I'm opening my heart to you.
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Just open that blouse.
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You got a description of this Joe?
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VERONICA: They found his body
dumped in an alleyway last night.
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He had been missing for two days.
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Joe. He was like a brother.
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He meant everything to me.
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I want justice at any price.
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That's our kind of justice.
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We'll be in touch.
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I'll be dental damned.
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-Girl like that, you certainly should.
-I'm talking about a dentist...
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...by the name of Dr. Eugene Halifax.
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Came to see me this morning
about the murder of his best friend, Joe.
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With Miss Villanueva,
he's a cosmo-drinking shopaholic.
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-Queer.
-You bet it's odd.
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Dr. Eugene has Joe as some tough guy
who's tough on plaque.
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Seems Joe was a different friend
to different people.
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-Meaning both your clients.
-Mm-hm.
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Gonna thank Mama for getting you
paid twice to solve one murder?
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[CHUCKLING]
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That's Joe, all right.
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Hey, folks.
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-What's going on?
-You in the morgue. Our condolences.
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00:08:50,020 --> 00:08:51,560
Know how you happened in here?
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I remember I was
getting ready to play ball...
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...when there was
a doozy of a pain in my back.
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Stab wound.
Killer stitched it up. Poorly.
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JOE: Let me see.
-Oh!
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00:09:03,740 --> 00:09:05,040
Oh!
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00:09:05,250 --> 00:09:07,040
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
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00:09:07,210 --> 00:09:12,040
Is it me, or is that odor strangely
reminiscent of eighth-grade biology?
180
00:09:12,210 --> 00:09:13,540
Specifically, formaldehyde.
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The coroner must've started
embalming me.
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Coroner don't embalm.
Just looks for cause of death.
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Preserving happens after and elsewhere.
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[SNEEZES]
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-Bless you.
-Bless Downy. She was my one and only.
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00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:28,270
I never got a chance to tell her how
much I cared. Now she'll never know.
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00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:30,890
-Any idea who'd pickle your gherkin?
JOE: None.
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I wonder if this has to do
with my best friend.
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Veronica, or Dr. Eugene?
190
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You know those two? Small world.
191
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-Keep an eye on them for me?
-We plan to.
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Well, looks like we gotta get friendly
with a couple of best friends. Oh!
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NARRATOR:
Under normal circumstances...
194
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:54,080
...a PI would
question separate clients separately.
195
00:09:54,250 --> 00:09:57,710
However, the presence of one PI's
PI mother...
196
00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:01,260
...allowed him to employ a timesaving
interrogation technique...
197
00:10:01,430 --> 00:10:03,590
...known as the Kalashni-Cod.
198
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:06,350
Like the Russian machine gun
for which it was named...
199
00:10:06,510 --> 00:10:08,180
...its operation was simple.
200
00:10:08,350 --> 00:10:10,930
The scope was set.
The magazine loaded...
201
00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:12,480
...and the trigger pulled.
202
00:10:12,650 --> 00:10:14,360
BOTH:
Who's Joe's best friend?
203
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,020
I got it on good authority
Joe's BFF made him R.I.P.
204
00:10:17,190 --> 00:10:18,230
Want the title now?
205
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,070
BOTH:
Where were you last Friday night?
206
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:21,900
EMERSON: Obsessed?
-Buy the formaldehyde?
207
00:10:22,070 --> 00:10:23,950
Giving him the stab
make you feel good?
208
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,030
-I no suspect. I hired you.
-I think I'd like my money back.
209
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:29,910
I don't give no damn refunds
to people who waste my time.
210
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:33,370
When you retain my services, I expect
the facts. I mean all of them.
211
00:10:33,540 --> 00:10:36,000
-Looking at your averted eyes--
-The lowered heads.
212
00:10:36,170 --> 00:10:38,920
--and nibbled lips makes me think
you hiding something.
213
00:10:39,090 --> 00:10:42,050
BOTH: What is it?
-Fine. I'll tell you the truth.
214
00:10:42,220 --> 00:10:45,430
The dirty, humiliating truth.
215
00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:47,010
Joe was a Frescort.
216
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:49,390
It's short for "friend-escort."
217
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:52,390
Basically, a friend for hire.
You pick from the catalog.
218
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,270
They become anyone
you want them to.
219
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,690
What's wrong with picking somebody
the old way?
220
00:10:56,860 --> 00:10:59,360
Walking up and saying,
"Hi, my name is Blah-Dee-Blah.
221
00:10:59,530 --> 00:11:02,860
You like bloo-dee-blooing?
Me too. Let's be friends."
222
00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:06,450
-But I'm shy.
-I get why Dr. Bashful needs a pay-a-pal.
223
00:11:06,620 --> 00:11:09,740
But back when I had a rack
and a couple of sticks like yours...
224
00:11:09,910 --> 00:11:12,540
... I had no trouble
making acquaintances.
225
00:11:12,710 --> 00:11:16,380
This attracts all kinds.
226
00:11:16,540 --> 00:11:18,460
But no one wants to know who I am.
227
00:11:18,630 --> 00:11:22,170
Men only see me
as a score not yet scored.
228
00:11:22,340 --> 00:11:23,470
-And the women?
-This--
229
00:11:23,630 --> 00:11:26,720
-Yeah, we got it.
-It promotes instant jealousy.
230
00:11:26,890 --> 00:11:28,010
I was all alone.
231
00:11:28,180 --> 00:11:30,510
So I called in the professionals.
232
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:32,470
NARRATOR:
As Emerson Cod read the words...
233
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:35,940
...he was reminded of
Frescort Joe's final ones.
234
00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:40,820
-That his murder may've had to do with--
EMERSON: "My Best Friend, Inc."?
235
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:43,440
Everybody know their job?
236
00:11:43,610 --> 00:11:47,610
Olive and I are Frescort wannabes. Our
mission: to find Joe's one and only, Downy.
237
00:11:47,780 --> 00:11:49,370
Meanwhile, me and the Pie-Man...
238
00:11:49,530 --> 00:11:51,830
...gonna have a sit-down chat
with the CEO.
239
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,500
See who Joe was pretend-friending
the night he died.
240
00:11:54,660 --> 00:11:56,330
Any questions?
241
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,830
-That was rhetorical.
-My query is not.
242
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,460
What happened to you and your mom
working together?
243
00:12:01,630 --> 00:12:04,210
She working on her own case.
I might need a diversion.
244
00:12:04,380 --> 00:12:05,420
So you with me.
245
00:12:05,590 --> 00:12:07,680
This isn't a question.
More of a suggestion.
246
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:11,220
Merely a tiny change of plan
where Chuck goes undercover with...
247
00:12:11,390 --> 00:12:13,390
...me, for instance.
248
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:16,690
NARRATOR: The Pie-Maker's intention
wasn't to make waves.
249
00:12:16,850 --> 00:12:21,360
He was just trying to spend time
with his beloved Chuck.
250
00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:23,610
Yeah, sure. It's just that Olive and I...
251
00:12:23,780 --> 00:12:26,280
...had kind of come up with
back-stories and aliases.
252
00:12:26,450 --> 00:12:29,620
And a secret
incognito-partners' handshake.
253
00:12:31,830 --> 00:12:34,540
Yeah, that's nice.
Plan stays as planned.
254
00:12:34,700 --> 00:12:36,500
Move out.
255
00:12:39,290 --> 00:12:42,840
Welcome to My Best Friend.
Where everyone's in the in-crowd.
256
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,840
I'm a PI. Less interested in
the in-crowd and more in the out.
257
00:12:47,010 --> 00:12:48,970
-As in, murdered.
-You're here about Joe.
258
00:12:49,140 --> 00:12:51,010
Such a devastating loss.
259
00:12:51,180 --> 00:12:52,600
He was our top performer.
260
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:55,180
That's what you peddle
around here? Performers?
261
00:12:55,350 --> 00:12:57,350
Truthfully?
I'd say it's atonement.
262
00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:00,060
Back in high school,
I was a colossal creep.
263
00:13:00,230 --> 00:13:05,480
Math geeks, male cheerleaders,
even the pitiful team mascot...
264
00:13:05,650 --> 00:13:11,160
...were just sad, pimply targets
for a varsity quarterback like myself.
265
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:14,240
Until two blitzing linebackers
destroyed my knee.
266
00:13:14,410 --> 00:13:18,710
Suddenly, I was no different
from all those nerds I put through hell.
267
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:23,340
From that point on,
I swore I'd use my powers for good...
268
00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:26,130
...providing people, for a nominal fee...
269
00:13:26,300 --> 00:13:30,510
...with what
everyone deserves: friendship.
270
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:33,760
Judging by these digs, your nominal fees
been adding up.
271
00:13:33,930 --> 00:13:38,140
No matter what the world says about
gadgetry bringing us closer together...
272
00:13:38,310 --> 00:13:40,140
...it's driven us further apart.
273
00:13:40,310 --> 00:13:43,020
We're isolated. All alone.
274
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:47,360
But once trained, my Frescorts function
as the best companions money can buy.
275
00:13:47,530 --> 00:13:50,490
Who was Joe companioning
the night he died?
276
00:13:50,660 --> 00:13:52,160
No client appointments.
277
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:55,700
-Mind if I take a gander?
-We keep all of our records confidential.
278
00:13:55,870 --> 00:13:57,080
The hug machine.
279
00:13:57,250 --> 00:13:58,790
Our most valuable teaching tool.
280
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,870
How about a demo on my associate?
281
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:02,370
-No, thank you.
-Divert.
282
00:14:02,540 --> 00:14:04,880
BUDDY:
Come on, you.
283
00:14:05,550 --> 00:14:07,880
See, proper hugs are a science.
284
00:14:08,050 --> 00:14:11,800
They must be platonic, but not cold.
285
00:14:11,970 --> 00:14:15,140
Firm, but not painful.
286
00:14:15,310 --> 00:14:17,810
NARRATOR: The Pie-Maker didn't want
to be hugged by a machine.
287
00:14:17,970 --> 00:14:21,600
He wanted to be hugged by the one
he was lonely for.
288
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:28,610
But for a fleeting moment,
the Pie-Maker's aloneness abated.
289
00:14:28,780 --> 00:14:32,650
So he closed his eyes, thought of Chuck,
and hugged back.
290
00:14:32,820 --> 00:14:33,910
I like that.
291
00:14:34,070 --> 00:14:36,660
We'll have the models in the gift shop
for Christmas.
292
00:14:36,830 --> 00:14:39,580
I'll make sure there's one
in your stocking. Come on.
293
00:14:39,750 --> 00:14:42,620
Emerson Cod had uncovered
Joe's home address...
294
00:14:42,790 --> 00:14:45,750
...as Chuck and Olive
addressed going undercover.
295
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:50,800
Barb? Hi, my name is Kitty Pimms.
And this is Patty Boots.
296
00:14:50,970 --> 00:14:54,380
We're two motivated candidates
ready to befriend the sad and lonely.
297
00:14:54,550 --> 00:14:55,590
For pay.
298
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:59,810
Kitty Pimms, Patty Boots.
What wonderfully rhythmic names.
299
00:14:59,970 --> 00:15:02,680
They just scream good humor
and bonhomie. Now.
300
00:15:02,850 --> 00:15:07,060
-[STUTTERS] Can you Fake It Real?
-Wha-- Wha-- What?
301
00:15:07,230 --> 00:15:09,360
Were you making fun of my stuttering?
302
00:15:09,530 --> 00:15:11,990
-No, I was just--
-I don't stutter, but if I did...
303
00:15:12,150 --> 00:15:14,400
...what you did would
put me at ease by saying:
304
00:15:14,570 --> 00:15:18,910
"Hey, you're okay. I'm okay.
We're okay."
305
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,620
Okay? Now, back to Fake It Real.
306
00:15:21,790 --> 00:15:24,290
On any given day,
clients are gonna depend on you...
307
00:15:24,460 --> 00:15:29,250
...to summon up every feeling
in the book, even if you're not feeling it.
308
00:15:29,420 --> 00:15:30,920
Show me happy.
309
00:15:31,090 --> 00:15:32,340
Sad.
310
00:15:32,510 --> 00:15:34,130
Surprise. Consternation.
311
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:36,090
Constipation.
312
00:15:36,260 --> 00:15:37,510
Know what I'm showing you?
313
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:41,600
Heck, yeah, we are getting you
into training. ASAP.
314
00:15:42,180 --> 00:15:45,310
Except I heard this job can be
kind of dangerous.
315
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,520
You're referring to Joe.
It's so horrible.
316
00:15:48,690 --> 00:15:50,900
-Did you know him?
-Just by name.
317
00:15:51,070 --> 00:15:53,530
Frescorts are forbidden to fraternize.
318
00:15:53,700 --> 00:15:56,820
You two are friends, aren't you?
Don't answer, I can tell.
319
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:59,490
Thing is, you're awesome,
and I only want to bring...
320
00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:06,290
...the best people into this organization,
so we'll just keep things on the q.t. Shh.
321
00:16:06,500 --> 00:16:07,870
We won't even carpool.
322
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:10,540
NARRATOR: At that moment,
another carpool had landed...
323
00:16:10,710 --> 00:16:12,710
...at the apartment of a murder victim.
324
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:15,130
Frescorts ain't nothing
but a bunch of cons...
325
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:16,930
...hiding behind good intentions.
326
00:16:17,090 --> 00:16:20,800
My experience?
People don't appreciate being conned...
327
00:16:20,970 --> 00:16:24,680
...even when they're pathetic losers
who signed up for it in the first place.
328
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:26,940
Gonna go in Joe's place
and find that list.
329
00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:29,520
See which one of his clients
did him in.
330
00:16:29,690 --> 00:16:32,650
Why are they pathetic losers?
Because they're alone?
331
00:16:32,820 --> 00:16:34,940
They're paying for something
that's free.
332
00:16:35,110 --> 00:16:37,740
There's nothing wrong with
needing a little extra help.
333
00:16:37,910 --> 00:16:40,410
A person with a wobbly backhand
hires a tennis coach.
334
00:16:40,580 --> 00:16:43,160
You have no clue how to bake
a rhubarb-custard pie.
335
00:16:43,330 --> 00:16:45,330
Do I call you pathetic for
paying me to?
336
00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:48,790
You've had a best friend since birth.
Not all of us are that lucky.
337
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:49,960
Yeah, well.
338
00:16:50,130 --> 00:16:54,050
Don't be too jealous of my luck. Ain't but
one sorry leaf hanging off that clover.
339
00:16:54,210 --> 00:16:56,970
Mama and me ain't
supposed to have no lies between us.
340
00:16:57,130 --> 00:17:00,590
Well, technically, I never lied.
But I never told her I have a daughter.
341
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,640
Mothers consider that splitting hairs.
342
00:17:02,810 --> 00:17:06,810
She spent her whole life teaching me
how to collar cons.
343
00:17:06,980 --> 00:17:10,980
I guess I'm just embarrassed to have her
know that my ex conned me.
344
00:17:11,150 --> 00:17:12,310
But you know what?
345
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:14,980
I'm chucking my chagrin overboard.
346
00:17:15,150 --> 00:17:18,070
I'm letting loose the truth. Yep.
347
00:17:18,990 --> 00:17:21,950
I'm gonna sit Mama down...
348
00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:25,870
...take a deep breath
and look her straight in the--
349
00:17:34,710 --> 00:17:37,380
What's the matter? Cat got your eye?
350
00:17:38,380 --> 00:17:40,300
Sorry. It's just glass.
351
00:17:40,470 --> 00:17:42,720
Yeah, it's for a sculpture
I'm working on.
352
00:17:42,890 --> 00:17:45,970
We're private investigators,
looking into a murder.
353
00:17:47,230 --> 00:17:49,560
-Joe was my roommate.
-Mm-hm.
354
00:17:49,730 --> 00:17:51,730
What's your name, roommate?
355
00:17:51,900 --> 00:17:53,230
Randy Mann.
356
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:56,940
I got some knee-slappers about that.
You wanna hear?
357
00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:59,400
In the face of tragedy,
I try to keep it light.
358
00:17:59,570 --> 00:18:03,030
It's just weird,
not having him around anymore.
359
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:04,950
Joe had such a big personality.
360
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:07,120
It's tough. Share your life with someone.
361
00:18:07,290 --> 00:18:09,450
Suddenly, there's an abyss
where a person was.
362
00:18:09,620 --> 00:18:12,040
-You lost a roommate?
-And girlfriend. Same person.
363
00:18:12,210 --> 00:18:14,210
Your roommate-slash-girlfriend died?
364
00:18:14,420 --> 00:18:15,960
Yeah.
365
00:18:16,130 --> 00:18:18,380
I mean, no. She moved out. Sorry.
366
00:18:18,550 --> 00:18:20,260
Doesn't compare. Not even remotely.
367
00:18:20,420 --> 00:18:23,720
You're not completely alone, though.
368
00:18:23,930 --> 00:18:25,510
Golden retriever, right?
369
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:27,390
Yeah. Digby.
370
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:31,140
Who would be a comfort if he
didn't prefer living with my girlfriend...
371
00:18:31,350 --> 00:18:34,150
...her new bestie and their pig.
372
00:18:35,820 --> 00:18:38,320
You aware that Joe worked
as a friend for hire, Mann?
373
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:42,360
I thought he was a tutor to special folks
or something like that.
374
00:18:42,530 --> 00:18:46,240
-Know who he was with the night he died?
-Sure don't, pal.
375
00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:48,910
Wait. Where do you think you're going?
376
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:50,950
Bedrooms are back here?
Wanna see Joe's.
377
00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:53,960
Wish you could, but you can't.
See, I'm late for something.
378
00:18:54,130 --> 00:18:56,000
But seriously, come back anytime.
379
00:19:09,310 --> 00:19:10,970
CALISTA:
Randy's a nut job's name.
380
00:19:11,140 --> 00:19:13,690
Randy's a fun guy's name.
You grab a beer with Randy.
381
00:19:13,850 --> 00:19:16,270
Grill brats with Randy.
Pick up chicks with Randy.
382
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:18,610
Help stuff them in Randy's freezer
with Randy.
383
00:19:18,770 --> 00:19:20,650
Be a little nice. His roommate died.
384
00:19:20,820 --> 00:19:24,650
You see how crazy-behind-the-eyes he got
when I tried to get in that back room?
385
00:19:24,820 --> 00:19:27,160
People are private.
I've never seen your back room.
386
00:19:27,330 --> 00:19:29,620
-Or your front room.
-Never seen your front door.
387
00:19:29,790 --> 00:19:31,950
-Where do you live?
-Your son's secretive.
388
00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:35,330
-He didn't get it from me.
-My hizzy ain't none of y'all's bizzy.
389
00:19:35,500 --> 00:19:37,790
Mann is shady.
Gonna get back into his house...
390
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,050
...as soon as I get him to take
that bait.
391
00:19:40,210 --> 00:19:42,380
-What've you got?
-Still no news on Downy.
392
00:19:42,550 --> 00:19:45,260
And since company policy dictates
Frescorts can't date...
393
00:19:45,430 --> 00:19:47,970
-...then it may even be a dead end.
-Hi, Ned.
394
00:19:48,140 --> 00:19:49,260
Hey, bait.
395
00:19:49,430 --> 00:19:52,520
I found your cooking-class coupon,
so I brought a lot of offal.
396
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,520
-"Awful"?
-"Offal." O-F-F-A-L.
397
00:19:54,690 --> 00:19:57,400
Animal organs and innards.
For meat pies.
398
00:19:57,560 --> 00:19:59,190
So "awful," like this idea.
399
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:01,690
I'm not leaving Ned alone
with Backroom Randy.
400
00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:04,860
This place is full of freezers,
perfect for body-stuffing.
401
00:20:05,030 --> 00:20:08,990
It's also full of customers.
Come on in, Randy.
402
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:11,870
All right, girls number one and two,
get to Frescorting.
403
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:14,370
-All right, Ma, let's go.
-Damn it. My target's on the move.
404
00:20:14,540 --> 00:20:15,710
[BEEPS]
405
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:17,080
Well, can't it wait?
406
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:19,330
I thought we gonna catch up and talk...
407
00:20:19,540 --> 00:20:21,380
...while we were tossing
that apartment.
408
00:20:21,550 --> 00:20:24,880
Darling, you know what it is
to be married to the job.
409
00:20:25,050 --> 00:20:27,510
We'll have time for talking tomorrow.
410
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:31,220
NARRATOR: The weight of the untruths
about his missing daughter grew heavier.
411
00:20:31,390 --> 00:20:35,520
So heavy that he felt
he'd soon be crushed beneath them.
412
00:20:35,690 --> 00:20:38,770
And so he entered the apartment
of a suspected killer...
413
00:20:38,940 --> 00:20:44,730
...with a different death on his mind:
that of his and his mother's friendship.
414
00:20:44,900 --> 00:20:48,780
EMERSON:
Tutor of some sort, my glue stick.
415
00:20:56,660 --> 00:20:58,290
Freeze.
416
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,600
Holy Noah's nutty-as-a-fruitcake ark.
417
00:21:21,610 --> 00:21:25,610
But the menagerie of taxidermied
animals would not be the nuttiest thing...
418
00:21:25,780 --> 00:21:28,490
...Emerson Cod would find.
419
00:21:40,620 --> 00:21:43,290
-Aren't you gonna chow down?
-I'm a vegetarian.
420
00:21:43,500 --> 00:21:48,340
This stuff will make you strong.
"Gobbling gizzards makes muscles."
421
00:21:48,630 --> 00:21:50,840
Least that's what my ma used to say.
422
00:21:51,010 --> 00:21:54,640
-Um.... Why?
-I had loose ligaments as a kid.
423
00:21:54,810 --> 00:21:57,720
Always falling, bruising my tailbone,
bumping my head.
424
00:21:57,890 --> 00:22:00,310
A total disaster. Especially at sports.
425
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:03,020
All the kids at school made fun
but I didn't care.
426
00:22:03,190 --> 00:22:05,230
I just played with my pets.
427
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,740
Because pets are cool with you,
no matter what.
428
00:22:09,070 --> 00:22:10,820
Like your dog. Digby, right?
429
00:22:12,700 --> 00:22:15,450
He digs you just the way you are.
Forever will too.
430
00:22:15,660 --> 00:22:18,160
I gotta stop going on
about stuff like this.
431
00:22:18,330 --> 00:22:20,210
Makes me seem like a weirdo.
432
00:22:20,370 --> 00:22:23,750
NARRATOR: However,
the Pie-Maker did not see a weirdo.
433
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:25,750
I didn't have friends
at school either.
434
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,800
Talk about a disaster.
They wouldn't even give me gym clothes.
435
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:31,670
-I'd sneak off and bake pies.
-That's how I got started...
436
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:35,260
...in my hobby too. I don't usually
share it, but the minute we met...
437
00:22:35,430 --> 00:22:36,810
... I knew you'd be okay.
438
00:22:36,970 --> 00:22:40,140
So I brought it along
and hid it out back. Wanna see?
439
00:22:40,350 --> 00:22:41,680
Sure.
440
00:22:46,020 --> 00:22:47,110
Digby.
441
00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:51,440
Listen.
442
00:22:51,650 --> 00:22:54,240
-He's singing "American Pie."
-You killed my dog?
443
00:22:54,450 --> 00:22:57,780
No. That's Butterscotch, my dog.
You said your golden retriever was...
444
00:22:57,950 --> 00:23:00,330
...with someone else.
I thought I'd lend you mine.
445
00:23:00,500 --> 00:23:04,000
-He's been my best friend since I was 5.
-This is how you repay him?
446
00:23:04,210 --> 00:23:07,590
If you had the chance to hold on to
someone you loved, wouldn't you?
447
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,590
In fact, the Pie-Maker had. Twice.
448
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:11,970
But instead, he said--
449
00:23:12,170 --> 00:23:14,050
Please leave.
450
00:23:15,970 --> 00:23:18,300
I thought we had
something in common.
451
00:23:18,470 --> 00:23:20,680
You a sick man, Randy Mann.
452
00:23:20,850 --> 00:23:23,940
Stuffing all them critters
and then posing them in twisted ways.
453
00:23:24,100 --> 00:23:26,940
Well, that's why I don't
ever tell people about it.
454
00:23:27,110 --> 00:23:29,980
They don't understand.
You don't think it's twisted, do you?
455
00:23:30,190 --> 00:23:33,950
He does. He was baby-sitting while
I gathered evidence against your ass.
456
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,570
-Liar. Liar.
-Your pants on fire.
457
00:23:36,740 --> 00:23:39,120
You wasn't Joe's roommate.
You were his client.
458
00:23:39,290 --> 00:23:43,000
Why would I tell? It's embarrassing,
having to pay someone to hang out.
459
00:23:43,210 --> 00:23:46,750
Even more humiliating to have your
Frescort repo'd. That must have been...
460
00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:50,000
-...the final straw before you offed Joe.
-I offered him a deal.
461
00:23:50,170 --> 00:23:53,130
To be my roommate, rent free.
He agreed.
462
00:23:53,300 --> 00:23:57,590
-Said it'd be like a real friendship.
-Is that why you kept a piece of him?
463
00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:00,310
Joe's appendix floating
in formaldehyde.
464
00:24:00,470 --> 00:24:02,430
-Oh, God.
-Except you found out quick...
465
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,440
...preserving a human is tougher.
You had to dump the body.
466
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:09,270
That appendix is mine, formerly Joe's.
He gave it to me as a joke.
467
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:12,530
And to thank me for taking him to
the hospital when it burst.
468
00:24:12,740 --> 00:24:15,400
Check his medical records.
Or ask his girlfriend.
469
00:24:15,570 --> 00:24:17,490
-He must've told her.
-What's her name?
470
00:24:17,700 --> 00:24:21,410
I don't know, but it was someone at
work. Must have been serious, though.
471
00:24:21,580 --> 00:24:24,500
Joe was even gonna quit
so they could be together.
472
00:24:29,630 --> 00:24:31,880
So Ned just paged me
at the welcome desk.
473
00:24:32,050 --> 00:24:34,460
He says there's no doubt there's
a Downy among us.
474
00:24:34,630 --> 00:24:39,090
Okay. I'll nose through my "How to
Flatter the Profoundly Ugly" symposium.
475
00:24:39,300 --> 00:24:41,470
I've got a "CD Mixes
That Matter" lab.
476
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:44,020
-Maybe someone there will know.
BARB: "Kinship."
477
00:24:44,180 --> 00:24:47,690
Anyone know another word for it?
I'm afraid there's a "Q" involved.
478
00:24:47,900 --> 00:24:49,850
-Propinquity.
-Nice.
479
00:24:50,020 --> 00:24:54,980
-Okay. Give me another.
-Oh, four across is gelding.
480
00:24:55,190 --> 00:24:58,030
Thanks, but I don't do the acrosses.
481
00:24:58,200 --> 00:24:59,320
-I only do the--
-Downs.
482
00:25:00,820 --> 00:25:02,370
Barb, you're Downy.
483
00:25:02,950 --> 00:25:04,950
-No.
-You sure aren't faking anything...
484
00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:07,290
...to the contrary.
485
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,790
Okay.
486
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:16,710
It's okay. We're just trying to help.
Is Downy a nickname that Joe gave you?
487
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,050
BARB: Tissue.
CHUCK: What?
488
00:25:18,220 --> 00:25:19,300
BARB: Tissue.
-Tissue.
489
00:25:19,470 --> 00:25:21,010
I can't reach that. I just--
490
00:25:21,180 --> 00:25:22,260
[MOUTHING INDISTINCTLY]
491
00:25:24,350 --> 00:25:25,470
BARB: Ha!
OLIVE: Ahh!
492
00:25:25,850 --> 00:25:28,770
-Barb, no.
-Fake that, bitches.
493
00:25:33,860 --> 00:25:35,940
Crap. Ah-ha!
494
00:25:49,580 --> 00:25:51,830
Oh, hell, no.
495
00:25:55,420 --> 00:25:56,880
-Mama?
-Yes, dear?
496
00:25:57,090 --> 00:25:58,720
-I can't breathe.
-Yeah?
497
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:01,720
I gave you breath
and this is the thanks I get?
498
00:26:03,180 --> 00:26:04,510
NARRATOR:
The facts were these.
499
00:26:06,350 --> 00:26:09,270
Missy Scrivner, editorial assistant
at Book 'Em Books...
500
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:12,520
...oversaw all rejected
manuscript letters.
501
00:26:12,690 --> 00:26:16,400
Underbite surgery had left the girl
shackled to a liquid diet...
502
00:26:16,570 --> 00:26:20,740
...which found its way onto
the rejection letter of one Emerson Cod.
503
00:26:20,900 --> 00:26:24,530
Unable to decipher anything
but the words "E" and "Cod"...
504
00:26:24,700 --> 00:26:26,580
...Missy phoned directory assistance.
505
00:26:26,740 --> 00:26:29,580
Mistaking her garbled "E" for a "C"...
506
00:26:29,750 --> 00:26:31,910
...the operator gave
the address of Calista...
507
00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:35,920
...who read the critiques and assumed
her son's secret book was--
508
00:26:36,090 --> 00:26:37,630
A thinly disguised tell-all...
509
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,590
...to show the world
what kind of horrible mother I am.
510
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,590
-Did you even read it?
-Didn't have to.
511
00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:46,260
The cover screams smear. What's
with the main character being a girl?
512
00:26:46,430 --> 00:26:49,810
-You saying I turned you gay?
-I ain't gay and this ain't about you.
513
00:26:49,980 --> 00:26:51,600
It's about my daughter.
514
00:26:51,770 --> 00:26:54,600
-What daughter?
-She's 7.
515
00:26:54,770 --> 00:26:56,940
Her mama ran off with her
when she was a baby.
516
00:26:57,110 --> 00:27:00,280
Been looking for her ever since,
with no luck.
517
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:03,110
And that's why I finally wrote
Lil' Gum Shoe.
518
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,280
To help her have a way to find me.
519
00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:10,330
Why didn't you tell me?
520
00:27:10,500 --> 00:27:12,250
I didn't even tell my friends.
521
00:27:12,460 --> 00:27:14,370
I'm not your friend.
I'm your mother.
522
00:27:14,580 --> 00:27:17,130
-Oh, now you're my mama.
-What's that, Mumbles?
523
00:27:17,290 --> 00:27:18,670
I said...
524
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:21,960
...you only say stuff like that
when you want me to feel guilty.
525
00:27:22,130 --> 00:27:25,180
Since you've switched back
to Mama mode, I can roll with that.
526
00:27:25,390 --> 00:27:28,760
So tell me, Mama, what kind of mother
spies on her own son?
527
00:27:28,970 --> 00:27:30,770
It's not like I wanted to.
528
00:27:31,270 --> 00:27:34,020
Damn. That's shrewd, woman.
529
00:27:34,270 --> 00:27:36,350
You faked a fraud case.
530
00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:38,820
You set off your own beeper.
531
00:27:38,980 --> 00:27:43,820
You even made sure I took two clients
at once so I'd be doubly busy.
532
00:27:43,990 --> 00:27:46,820
All so you could poke around
in my personal life.
533
00:27:47,950 --> 00:27:49,700
Know what the sad thing is, Mama?
534
00:27:49,950 --> 00:27:52,910
I was gonna tell you everything.
535
00:27:54,330 --> 00:27:56,290
What kind of fool do you take me for?
536
00:27:58,630 --> 00:28:00,420
You saying you don't believe me?
537
00:28:03,050 --> 00:28:07,470
Well, I guess there's nothing else
for you and me to talk about, then.
538
00:28:08,180 --> 00:28:10,300
Chuck and Olive
haven't checked in yet.
539
00:28:11,140 --> 00:28:14,890
It's like we're trapped in a sachet
in the panty drawer of a dead shut-in...
540
00:28:15,060 --> 00:28:17,150
...who was shut in her bedroom
by her cats...
541
00:28:17,310 --> 00:28:20,650
...so they wouldn't have to smell
the stench of freesia.
542
00:28:20,980 --> 00:28:23,070
-Can't you smell it?
-Yep.
543
00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:28,530
That'd be my freesia hair de-tangler
that you said smells amazing yesterday.
544
00:28:28,700 --> 00:28:31,330
OLIVE: Wish I hadn't.
-Wish I hadn't told you capris made...
545
00:28:31,490 --> 00:28:33,040
-...you look taller.
-Liar.
546
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:36,080
No, I'm a truth-ar because
I came clean unprompted.
547
00:28:36,250 --> 00:28:38,750
You only admitted to lying
because you got caught.
548
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:41,880
Here comes the center of the universe,
pulling us into her...
549
00:28:42,050 --> 00:28:43,840
...gravitational orbit of blame.
550
00:28:44,010 --> 00:28:47,220
Oh, well, FYI, there is no
center of the universe...
551
00:28:47,380 --> 00:28:50,260
...because our universe
is forever expanding.
552
00:28:50,470 --> 00:28:52,050
Like your neediness.
553
00:28:52,220 --> 00:28:53,760
Wah. "Respect my feelings."
554
00:28:53,970 --> 00:28:57,020
Wah. "Don't fence me in."
Wah. "Don't treat me like I'm dead."
555
00:28:57,190 --> 00:29:00,230
Well, if you're so dead,
how can you be so needy?
556
00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:02,270
Oh, right. You're selfish.
557
00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:03,900
I am selfish?
558
00:29:04,070 --> 00:29:06,740
I've just shared with you
every single thing that I own.
559
00:29:06,900 --> 00:29:08,740
Big whoop.
Secondhand stuff.
560
00:29:08,990 --> 00:29:12,070
CHUCK: That's what you're angry about.
The one thing I won't share. Ned.
561
00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:15,200
OLIVE: I can't believe you said that.
Don't shrug at me in the dark.
562
00:29:15,370 --> 00:29:17,000
That was a low blow.
563
00:29:17,210 --> 00:29:19,790
What do you expect me to do?
I'm in a no-win situation.
564
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:22,790
I can't talk to you about it
because that'd be insensitive.
565
00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:25,710
I can't talk to Ned because
he's done nothing wrong.
566
00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:29,930
I mean, if I were to have a nickel for
every time the three of us are together...
567
00:29:30,090 --> 00:29:33,260
...and unexpectedly, accidentally,
I catch you looking at him--
568
00:29:33,430 --> 00:29:36,220
OLIVE: Stop talking, stop talking.
Help. Help us. Anyone, help.
569
00:29:36,430 --> 00:29:40,270
And you have this little sad,
pining look on your face of:
570
00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:42,270
"Oh, Ned, why can't you love me?"
571
00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:45,940
Then I feel like a complete jerk for
being in love with my own boyfriend.
572
00:29:46,110 --> 00:29:48,280
A boyfriend you don't touch.
573
00:29:48,450 --> 00:29:50,320
I told you we can't.
574
00:29:50,530 --> 00:29:52,620
That doesn't make any sense.
575
00:29:54,330 --> 00:29:57,660
I'm going home. To my home.
576
00:29:57,830 --> 00:29:59,660
-What happened?
-Roommate squabble.
577
00:29:59,830 --> 00:30:02,920
Brought on by the suspicious actions
of Barb, a.k.a. Downy...
578
00:30:03,090 --> 00:30:05,960
-...who is a person of interest.
-Got a name and address?
579
00:30:06,130 --> 00:30:09,970
No, but I know where I can get one.
Buddy's office.
580
00:30:10,550 --> 00:30:12,340
Oh, no, Barb.
581
00:30:17,270 --> 00:30:21,140
Oh, Kitty. You got out of the locker.
Sorry. Thought you were gonna tell.
582
00:30:21,310 --> 00:30:22,480
For what, killing Joe?
583
00:30:22,650 --> 00:30:25,190
No, for dating him.
See, I didn't wanna get fired.
584
00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:27,150
This job's the only pla--
585
00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:28,440
[GASPS]
586
00:30:28,610 --> 00:30:30,610
Her lungs are crushed.
Who knows CPR?
587
00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:32,450
[GASPING]
I do.
588
00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:36,330
Oh, good idea.
589
00:30:36,490 --> 00:30:38,580
Okay, breathe, breathe, breathe.
590
00:30:41,210 --> 00:30:43,620
The only place
my encyclopedic knowledge...
591
00:30:43,790 --> 00:30:46,500
...of hair braiding meant something.
I couldn't hurt Joe.
592
00:30:46,670 --> 00:30:50,130
When he was around, I could be myself.
Now I'll never know if it was...
593
00:30:50,300 --> 00:30:53,800
...just our mutual passion for crosswords
or if he felt the same way.
594
00:30:53,970 --> 00:30:56,970
You were his one. He was about
to leave the company for you.
595
00:30:57,140 --> 00:30:59,390
He said he had something
important to tell me.
596
00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:02,890
The night he died, I waited for his call,
but he never made it back...
597
00:31:03,100 --> 00:31:05,980
-...from his Frescorting gig.
-Joe didn't work that night.
598
00:31:06,190 --> 00:31:08,020
He was moonlighting. Sports date.
599
00:31:08,230 --> 00:31:11,240
-Who with?
-Joe never said. The guy sounded tragic.
600
00:31:11,490 --> 00:31:15,740
Two years of playing ball, he was still
a spazz. Some clients lack the jock gene.
601
00:31:15,910 --> 00:31:17,620
Buddy calls them bleacher leechers.
602
00:31:17,830 --> 00:31:19,990
Skip to where you become
the main squeeze.
603
00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:22,370
I was having a meltdown.
Came in for a hug.
604
00:31:22,540 --> 00:31:24,210
Pretended those arms were Joe's.
605
00:31:24,370 --> 00:31:27,380
That's when the dial got turned to 11
by the Spartan.
606
00:31:27,630 --> 00:31:29,710
I tried to fight.
Got this from his helmet.
607
00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:31,010
You did good, Barb.
608
00:31:33,340 --> 00:31:36,260
There's no Spartan running
around killing the popular kids.
609
00:31:36,430 --> 00:31:39,430
-This ain't Thermopylae High.
-Right. It's Spartanburg West.
610
00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:41,720
-And Buddy's team mascot.
-Great.
611
00:31:41,890 --> 00:31:45,520
-How we gonna find out who that was?
-I'm having unfortunate hunches.
612
00:31:45,690 --> 00:31:49,020
Randy was an uncoordinated
bleacher leecher.
613
00:31:49,190 --> 00:31:51,440
He told me the kids at school
teased him for it.
614
00:31:51,690 --> 00:31:54,110
Maybe one of those kids
was varsity quarterback...
615
00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:57,450
...and self-proclaimed
dork menacer Buddy Amicus.
616
00:31:57,700 --> 00:31:59,160
What are you doing here?
617
00:31:59,370 --> 00:32:01,370
We're closer
to finding Joe's killer.
618
00:32:01,580 --> 00:32:02,910
-With Kitty?
-Yeah.
619
00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:04,960
-What's wrong with Barb?
EMERSON: She's dead.
620
00:32:05,210 --> 00:32:08,250
-Thanks to your happy hug machine.
-Not Barb.
621
00:32:08,420 --> 00:32:11,550
Sweet, adorable, conciliatory Barb?
622
00:32:11,760 --> 00:32:13,670
Who could do something so horrible?
623
00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:15,970
Does the name Randy Mann
ring a bell?
624
00:32:16,470 --> 00:32:18,930
-Should it?
-We think he's your old school mascot.
625
00:32:19,100 --> 00:32:22,310
The Spartan you tangled with back in
the day, he's back and pissed.
626
00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:24,770
Do you happen to have
a high-school yearbook?
627
00:32:26,060 --> 00:32:28,100
-Thank you.
-I have to evacuate the building.
628
00:32:28,310 --> 00:32:31,070
Call the police,
tell them there's a vindictive person...
629
00:32:31,230 --> 00:32:32,980
...with low self-esteem on the loose.
630
00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:36,320
There's no Randy Mann listed.
Maybe he's using an alias?
631
00:32:36,570 --> 00:32:38,280
-The phone's dead.
BUDDY: Ow! Help.
632
00:32:38,490 --> 00:32:40,780
EMERSON:
He got Buddy. Let's move.
633
00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:43,330
CHUCK:
Ugh! Watch out.
634
00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:49,130
-That was close.
-Yeah.
635
00:32:49,290 --> 00:32:52,460
Last thing we need
is another dead body on our hands.
636
00:32:53,630 --> 00:32:54,760
[MANNEQUIN GRUNTS]
637
00:32:55,090 --> 00:32:56,300
Too late for that.
638
00:33:01,300 --> 00:33:05,430
Well, hello. This is a surprise.
For you too, I'm sure.
639
00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:07,560
We're having trouble
getting a good look.
640
00:33:07,730 --> 00:33:11,190
There's a mannequin face over yours.
Maybe if you took off your helmet.
641
00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:14,280
-Oh!
-Oh! Helmet on. Helmet on.
642
00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:17,820
Sorry about that. We weren't expecting
such a leathery, mummy-like--
643
00:33:18,030 --> 00:33:21,160
Can you speak? We would really like
to know who you are.
644
00:33:22,530 --> 00:33:24,660
You the Spartanburg West
quarterback.
645
00:33:24,830 --> 00:33:28,540
Can you show us?
Ares Kostopolous.
646
00:33:28,750 --> 00:33:31,420
-Wow, you were a hottie.
-But Buddy was the quarterback.
647
00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:34,920
Buddy--
Buddy was the Spartan mascot.
648
00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:38,670
-Oh!
-Buddy killed you too.
649
00:33:40,590 --> 00:33:44,350
So the Buddy Amicus legend of being
a high-school golden boy is a lie.
650
00:33:44,510 --> 00:33:47,890
And a total horror show. What kind of
person holds on to a dead body?
651
00:33:48,060 --> 00:33:50,230
The kind that wants
to preserve a friendship.
652
00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:51,520
[CHUCK GASPS]
653
00:33:52,110 --> 00:33:53,980
NARRATOR:
The facts were these.
654
00:33:55,690 --> 00:33:59,900
As a teen, Buddy Amicus
was unknown and invisible.
655
00:34:00,110 --> 00:34:05,080
As varsity quarterback,
Ares Kostopolous was admired by all.
656
00:34:07,080 --> 00:34:08,830
In his fragile and obsessed mind...
657
00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:12,460
...Buddy was best friends
with the big man on campus.
658
00:34:12,710 --> 00:34:15,210
And he had to get closer,
no matter what.
659
00:34:15,420 --> 00:34:18,260
Spartans!
660
00:34:18,470 --> 00:34:23,220
The nameless, faceless mascot
strove to make his pigskin god proud.
661
00:34:23,430 --> 00:34:26,470
But no one noticed him
until the state championships...
662
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:28,930
...when everyone did.
663
00:34:29,100 --> 00:34:31,560
Spartans. Spartans.
664
00:34:33,230 --> 00:34:35,360
Spartans.
665
00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:43,740
The Spartan felt the agony of defeat
but there was more agony to come.
666
00:34:44,990 --> 00:34:46,660
PLAYER 1: Total loser, man.
PLAYER 2: Hey.
667
00:34:46,830 --> 00:34:49,750
Ow. Guys. Guys.
668
00:34:55,840 --> 00:34:59,920
Buddy thought Ares, his hero,
would save him.
669
00:35:00,260 --> 00:35:04,220
The realization that their friendship
was a lie was so painful...
670
00:35:04,390 --> 00:35:07,100
...it drove Buddy mad...
671
00:35:07,930 --> 00:35:10,270
...and murderous.
672
00:35:13,810 --> 00:35:17,020
Years of dermatology,
orthodontics and steroid abuse...
673
00:35:17,190 --> 00:35:21,280
...transformed Buddy Amicus
into the man he'd always wanted to be.
674
00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:23,900
He founded My Best Friend, Inc....
675
00:35:24,110 --> 00:35:26,280
...and found among his Frescorts...
676
00:35:26,490 --> 00:35:30,950
...Joe, who triggered in him a new,
albeit familiar obsession.
677
00:35:31,160 --> 00:35:33,460
This time, Buddy knew
things would be different.
678
00:35:33,620 --> 00:35:38,340
Now he was the big man on campus,
able to befriend anyone he chose.
679
00:35:38,550 --> 00:35:41,920
Until the day Joe brought it all
to an end.
680
00:35:42,670 --> 00:35:46,090
He was quitting
to be with fellow Frescort Barb.
681
00:35:46,300 --> 00:35:48,640
Which meant he was also
quitting Buddy...
682
00:35:48,850 --> 00:35:51,220
...no matter how much
the delusional man...
683
00:35:51,430 --> 00:35:53,600
...offered to pay him to stay.
684
00:35:53,810 --> 00:35:57,480
The realization that another friendship
had been another lie...
685
00:35:57,650 --> 00:36:01,530
...drove Buddy mad and murderous
yet again.
686
00:36:01,940 --> 00:36:07,910
And so he convinced Joe to meet him
for one last game.
687
00:36:09,370 --> 00:36:13,620
-Why'd you heave-ho the body?
-I tried to preserve him like Ares.
688
00:36:13,830 --> 00:36:16,370
Sadly, the formaldehyde
triggered my asthma.
689
00:36:16,540 --> 00:36:20,380
And Barb. She took Joe.
So you took her life.
690
00:36:20,590 --> 00:36:24,970
Wanna know the most senseless thing?
I started this company to help people.
691
00:36:25,130 --> 00:36:27,260
So the friendless
wouldn't suffer as I did.
692
00:36:27,470 --> 00:36:30,350
They suffer. I've seen it.
First, the bogus friendships...
693
00:36:30,510 --> 00:36:34,350
...you sell seem good, but deep down,
clients never stop feeling like weirdos.
694
00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:37,850
So they keep paying. Hoping that
someday those feelings will go away.
695
00:36:38,020 --> 00:36:40,150
But those feelings never go away.
696
00:36:40,860 --> 00:36:42,150
[GRUNTS]
697
00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:44,990
I'm killing you first.
Say goodbye.
698
00:36:45,200 --> 00:36:46,740
Goodbye, friend.
699
00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:51,740
NARRATOR: With the Frescort killer
behind bars, the Pie-Maker was free...
700
00:36:51,910 --> 00:36:54,370
...to revisit a former Frescort client.
701
00:36:54,540 --> 00:36:58,080
Your meat pies.
I can't eat them, so....
702
00:36:58,290 --> 00:37:00,460
This is Digby, by the way.
703
00:37:00,630 --> 00:37:01,880
Digby, say hi to Randy.
704
00:37:02,050 --> 00:37:03,250
[BARKS]
705
00:37:03,460 --> 00:37:04,710
Aren't you a nice boy?
706
00:37:05,590 --> 00:37:07,720
-So unlike your owner.
-I deserve that.
707
00:37:07,930 --> 00:37:10,930
-Like you deserve an apology.
-Apology accepted. Goodbye.
708
00:37:11,140 --> 00:37:12,300
Wait.
709
00:37:12,470 --> 00:37:14,890
You don't have to pay for it.
Friendship.
710
00:37:15,060 --> 00:37:19,980
The truth is, there are a lot of people
like you. Us. With strange hobbies...
711
00:37:20,150 --> 00:37:22,310
...or talents, or gifts
that we try to hide...
712
00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:26,400
...because we're afraid it makes
us seem weird, or turns people off.
713
00:37:26,570 --> 00:37:27,780
But that's a mistake.
714
00:37:28,910 --> 00:37:33,830
What makes me unique has brought
every person I love into my life.
715
00:37:34,290 --> 00:37:35,790
And it can be the same for you.
716
00:37:36,290 --> 00:37:38,910
Well, there's nothing wrong
with being alone, you know.
717
00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:41,920
Joe taught me that.
Called it the first step.
718
00:37:42,090 --> 00:37:45,420
No good to somebody else unless
you're good with being with just you.
719
00:37:49,430 --> 00:37:52,850
Advice an alone Pie-Maker
could use as well.
720
00:37:53,930 --> 00:37:57,310
The Pie-Maker obtained
Buddy Amicus' client list...
721
00:37:57,520 --> 00:38:02,060
...and invited those listed to bring their
true selves to a low-key mixer.
722
00:38:02,230 --> 00:38:07,570
And while the intention was good,
the evening was an unmitigated disaster.
723
00:38:07,740 --> 00:38:13,120
Until the second hour, when everyone
started to come out of their shells.
724
00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:16,740
In 10 minutes,
I was gonna pull out the tequila shots.
725
00:38:16,950 --> 00:38:20,160
If that didn't work,
pull the fire alarm and call it a day.
726
00:38:21,460 --> 00:38:22,960
Can you give Digby another hug?
727
00:38:23,170 --> 00:38:24,540
Oh, yeah. Of course I will.
728
00:38:25,090 --> 00:38:27,090
You want a hug?
729
00:38:27,670 --> 00:38:30,590
Tighter. Give his belly a rub.
730
00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:33,430
You know, if you want,
I can hug him all night long...
731
00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:36,510
...when I sleep over
at your place. Permanently.
732
00:38:37,350 --> 00:38:39,810
Did I forget to tell you
that I'm moving back in?
733
00:38:39,980 --> 00:38:43,440
That squabble with you and Olive
is clearly more than a squabble.
734
00:38:43,610 --> 00:38:46,070
Yeah, we let loose with everything
we were feeling...
735
00:38:46,230 --> 00:38:48,860
...and flogged our friendship to death
with a truth club.
736
00:38:49,030 --> 00:38:53,570
Does that mean when it comes to us,
I should keep my truths to myself?
737
00:38:53,780 --> 00:38:57,580
No, of course not. Hang on. Am I
setting myself up for something here?
738
00:38:57,790 --> 00:39:02,160
I was setting myself up to tell you that
since you moved, I feel like I never see you.
739
00:39:02,330 --> 00:39:05,130
And please don't take that
any other way than...
740
00:39:05,290 --> 00:39:06,340
... I miss you.
741
00:39:07,710 --> 00:39:09,880
That's really sweet.
I miss you too.
742
00:39:10,050 --> 00:39:12,050
All the more reason for me
moving back in.
743
00:39:12,840 --> 00:39:15,010
Sorry. You can't.
744
00:39:15,180 --> 00:39:19,260
But you promised me comforting. You're my
king-size duvet of goose-down goodness.
745
00:39:19,430 --> 00:39:22,480
I know. Selfishly, I want
to duvet you right this second.
746
00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:24,520
But I've gotta work on
being okay alone.
747
00:39:24,690 --> 00:39:27,520
And you've gotta work on
your friendship with Olive.
748
00:39:27,730 --> 00:39:30,900
We might not like it,
but it's the truth.
749
00:39:35,030 --> 00:39:36,370
Well, I'm gonna need a pie.
750
00:39:37,780 --> 00:39:40,290
OLIVE:
Oh, I'm a sucker for shoofly.
751
00:39:40,540 --> 00:39:44,040
What do you think?
We gonna be able to fix this?
752
00:39:44,290 --> 00:39:45,620
We should assess.
753
00:39:45,790 --> 00:39:49,170
I'm working on the
having-feelings-for-your-boyfriend thing.
754
00:39:49,550 --> 00:39:53,880
I just wish there was a switch I could
turn to "off," but there just isn't.
755
00:39:54,050 --> 00:39:58,010
I know. While you do that, I'm gonna
work on the center-of-the-universe thing.
756
00:39:58,180 --> 00:40:03,180
In fact, I'm ready to ditch that role for
a new one: selflessly centered roommate.
757
00:40:03,350 --> 00:40:04,690
You're staying?
758
00:40:04,850 --> 00:40:07,520
Was that a good or incredulous
question mark at the end?
759
00:40:07,690 --> 00:40:12,610
Very good. Besides,
the heavy lifting is behind us.
760
00:40:12,780 --> 00:40:16,200
-We've laid that cornerstone of truth.
-Pounded that sucker into place.
761
00:40:16,360 --> 00:40:19,280
Besides, it'd be such a waste of time
and effort if you left.
762
00:40:19,450 --> 00:40:20,740
Agreed.
763
00:40:22,660 --> 00:40:26,580
NARRATOR: As Chuck and Olive
celebrated their reunion...
764
00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:30,090
...Emerson Cod
had a reunion of his own.
765
00:40:30,250 --> 00:40:32,420
Well, finally.
766
00:40:32,710 --> 00:40:34,920
A decent stogy.
767
00:40:36,090 --> 00:40:38,010
I needed some comfort tobacco.
768
00:40:38,220 --> 00:40:42,100
Yeah, I was just about to ring you up,
tell you how much I regretted our words.
769
00:40:42,270 --> 00:40:46,600
Was about to get on a plane. That regret
had me turn around, running back here.
770
00:40:48,350 --> 00:40:50,940
You were right.
Our relationship is done.
771
00:40:51,940 --> 00:40:54,860
Meaning how our relationship was.
772
00:40:55,030 --> 00:40:57,400
Being best friends.
773
00:40:57,610 --> 00:41:01,330
I'm your mama, Emmy,
and I gotta start acting like it.
774
00:41:01,490 --> 00:41:07,410
That means I can't expect you
to be as strong as me or as grown up.
775
00:41:07,620 --> 00:41:13,420
Gotta feel you can be vulnerable.
Make mistakes and still tell me about it.
776
00:41:13,670 --> 00:41:16,050
-Deal?
-Yeah.
777
00:41:17,220 --> 00:41:19,510
-Do I get an allowance?
-No.
778
00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:23,970
But you do get notes on this from me.
779
00:41:25,020 --> 00:41:28,940
The publisher's right.
The book is stupid.
780
00:41:29,350 --> 00:41:32,860
Book ain't stupid. Story is.
781
00:41:33,070 --> 00:41:36,780
This is about your childhood
with your crazy mother.
782
00:41:36,950 --> 00:41:40,240
You tell that to a kid at bedtime,
he'll piss the box springs.
783
00:41:40,410 --> 00:41:42,950
You gotta write about the grown-up
Emerson Cod.
784
00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:44,580
How great he'd be as a daddy.
785
00:41:44,790 --> 00:41:49,160
Do that, your little girl'll come
running back in no time.
786
00:41:52,250 --> 00:41:54,170
Later, Lil' Gum Shoe.
787
00:41:54,340 --> 00:41:57,710
As Emerson Cod enjoyed
a sense of familial peace...
788
00:41:57,880 --> 00:42:00,800
...the Pie-Maker had
a peace of a different sort.
789
00:42:00,970 --> 00:42:04,680
The quiet, solitary, bachelor kind.
Until....
790
00:42:04,850 --> 00:42:06,220
[DOOR KNOCKS]
791
00:42:09,020 --> 00:42:11,100
Oh, no. Disaster with Olive?
792
00:42:11,310 --> 00:42:12,940
It went really well.
793
00:42:13,110 --> 00:42:16,820
So well, in fact, I wanted to wrap you
in goose-down goodness as a thank-you.
794
00:42:16,990 --> 00:42:20,030
But you know,
my duvet was metaphorical.
795
00:42:20,240 --> 00:42:22,450
Yeah? Well, so was mine.
796
00:42:26,790 --> 00:42:27,910
I've really missed you.
797
00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:14,000
[ENGLISH SDH]
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