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1
00:00:03,326 --> 00:00:07,490
##Ahh, The Simpsons ##
2
00:00:36,626 --> 00:00:38,992
D'oh!
3
00:00:55,554 --> 00:00:57,044
Stupid junk mail.
4
00:00:58,657 --> 00:01:00,591
Yeah. Win this.
5
00:01:02,261 --> 00:01:04,525
I'll see that he gets it.
6
00:01:04,596 --> 00:01:07,963
How dumb do they think I am?
Huh? A check?
7
00:01:08,033 --> 00:01:11,560
One million dollars.
8
00:01:11,637 --> 00:01:16,131
I'm rich!
9
00:01:18,777 --> 00:01:21,803
Mr. Simpson, I can assure you,
this check of yours is nonnegotiable.
10
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:25,372
Oh, yeah?
Well, what makes you so damn sure?
11
00:01:25,451 --> 00:01:28,249
See where it says ''Void, void, void''
and ''This is not a check''?
12
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,686
''Cash value
1 /20th of a cent.''
13
00:01:30,756 --> 00:01:32,724
- '' Mr. Banker, do not honor.''
- Shut up.
14
00:01:32,791 --> 00:01:36,056
I had a feeling it was
too good to be true.
15
00:01:36,128 --> 00:01:39,495
Every time you get a million dollars,
something queers the deal.
16
00:01:39,565 --> 00:01:42,432
I don't think real checks
have exclamation points.
17
00:01:42,501 --> 00:01:44,992
Well, at least we got
a free sample of Reading Digest.
18
00:01:45,070 --> 00:01:49,006
Marge, I never read
a magazine in my life,
and I'm not gonna start now.
19
00:01:49,074 --> 00:01:51,099
Hey, a cartoon!
20
00:01:54,813 --> 00:01:56,838
Ain't it the truth?
21
00:01:56,915 --> 00:01:58,644
No, it's not the truth, Homer.
22
00:01:58,717 --> 00:02:01,652
It's well-documented that women
are safer drivers than men.
23
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:04,883
Oh, Marge, cartoons
don't have any deep meaning.
24
00:02:04,957 --> 00:02:07,425
They're just stupid drawings
that give you a cheap laugh.
25
00:02:10,496 --> 00:02:12,430
Hey, Einstein,
put down your reading.
26
00:02:12,498 --> 00:02:14,022
- It's lunchtime.
- You go ahead.
27
00:02:14,099 --> 00:02:16,659
Hey, you don't wanna eat?
What you do, get one of them
stomach staples?
28
00:02:16,735 --> 00:02:19,295
As Tolstoy said
in Quotable Notables...
29
00:02:19,371 --> 00:02:22,932
''Give me learning, sir,
and you may keep your black bread.''
30
00:02:23,008 --> 00:02:25,476
- Who is that bookworm, Smithers?
- Homer Simpson, sir.
31
00:02:25,544 --> 00:02:28,240
Simpson, eh?
How very strange.
32
00:02:28,313 --> 00:02:31,441
His job description
clearly specifies an illiterate.
33
00:02:31,517 --> 00:02:36,113
We now return to Troy McClure
and Delores Montenegro
in Preacher With a Shovel.
34
00:02:36,188 --> 00:02:39,180
But Irrigation can save
your people, Chief Smiling Bear.
35
00:02:39,258 --> 00:02:41,852
Marge, look at them
staring at that idiot box.
36
00:02:41,927 --> 00:02:45,055
God forbid they would
ever read something
and improve their minds.
37
00:02:45,130 --> 00:02:47,428
You've certainly taken
a shine to that magazine.
38
00:02:47,499 --> 00:02:49,865
It's not just
one magazine, Marge.
39
00:02:49,935 --> 00:02:53,530
They take hundreds of magazines,
filter out the crap...
40
00:02:53,605 --> 00:02:57,166
and leave you with something
that fits right in your front pocket.
41
00:03:00,579 --> 00:03:03,810
God! Those kids don't know
what they're missing.
42
00:03:05,784 --> 00:03:07,979
- Dad!
- Hey, what gives, man?
43
00:03:08,053 --> 00:03:09,987
We're all going to sit down
as a family...
44
00:03:10,055 --> 00:03:13,286
and listen to an inspiring story
of wilderness survival.
45
00:03:13,358 --> 00:03:15,485
''Then I heard the sound...
46
00:03:15,561 --> 00:03:17,893
''that all
arctic explorers dread--
47
00:03:17,963 --> 00:03:20,727
the pitiless bark
of the sea lion.''
48
00:03:20,799 --> 00:03:22,460
He'll be killed!
49
00:03:22,534 --> 00:03:26,368
Homer, he obviously got out alive
if he wrote the article.
50
00:03:26,438 --> 00:03:30,101
Don't be so--
Oh, you're right.
51
00:03:34,079 --> 00:03:37,606
Homey, put down your magazine
for a minute.
52
00:03:37,683 --> 00:03:41,210
- Huh?
- I thought you might wanna snuggle.
53
00:03:41,286 --> 00:03:46,383
That reminds me.
''Seven ways to spice up
your marriage.''
54
00:03:46,458 --> 00:03:50,394
Marge, ''You have a nice body...
55
00:03:50,462 --> 00:03:54,296
and if you'd like to
see me in a costume,
you have only to ask.''
56
00:03:54,366 --> 00:03:55,958
Thank you, Homey.
57
00:03:56,034 --> 00:03:59,663
- Wow! Little meat loaf men!
58
00:04:00,873 --> 00:04:02,738
Where did you get
the idea for this, Mom?
59
00:04:02,808 --> 00:04:06,574
Where do you think?
This baby never steers
you wrong, and it was free!
60
00:04:06,645 --> 00:04:09,136
- Free.
- It certainly has enriched our lives.
61
00:04:09,214 --> 00:04:13,014
Wow. ''Win a trip
to Washington, D.C.
62
00:04:13,085 --> 00:04:15,952
All expenses paid.
V.I.P. tour.''
63
00:04:16,021 --> 00:04:19,320
- Oh, it's for kids.
- Wait, Dad!
64
00:04:20,726 --> 00:04:23,695
An essay contest.
''Children under 1 2.
65
00:04:23,762 --> 00:04:28,165
Three-hundred words,
fiercely pro-American.''
Sounds interesting.
66
00:04:28,233 --> 00:04:31,225
Bart, maybe this is something
you'd like to do too.
67
00:04:31,303 --> 00:04:35,501
Mom, it's a nice thought,
but we both know that
this is the pony to bet on.
68
00:04:37,042 --> 00:04:41,672
What would Ben Franklin say
if he were alive today?
69
00:04:41,747 --> 00:04:44,477
He'd say, uh...
70
00:04:44,550 --> 00:04:46,142
''Think of a better opening.''
71
00:04:46,218 --> 00:04:48,618
- How's it going, honey?
- Not very well.
72
00:04:48,687 --> 00:04:52,054
Well, when I used to
get stuck like this,
I'd go for a bike ride.
73
00:04:52,124 --> 00:04:55,116
- Do kids go
on bike rides anymore?
- Yes!
74
00:04:55,193 --> 00:04:58,754
I don't know.
I thought maybe bikes
weren't cool anymore.
75
00:04:58,830 --> 00:05:03,028
- Do kids still use that word ''cool''?
- Yes, Mom!
76
00:05:11,009 --> 00:05:14,376
Okay, America, inspire me.
77
00:05:16,848 --> 00:05:19,146
Wow, a bald eagle.
78
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,611
Hmm.
79
00:05:24,690 --> 00:05:26,749
Thanks for driving me
to the contest, Dad.
80
00:05:26,825 --> 00:05:29,988
Sweetheart, there's nothing
I wouldn't do for that magazine.
81
00:05:30,062 --> 00:05:33,998
''So burn the flag if you must,
but before you do...
82
00:05:34,066 --> 00:05:36,159
''you better burn
a few other things.
83
00:05:36,234 --> 00:05:38,532
''You better burn your shirt
and your pants.
84
00:05:38,604 --> 00:05:40,970
'' Be sure to burn
your TV and car.
85
00:05:41,039 --> 00:05:43,405
''Oh, yes, and don't forget
to burn your house...
86
00:05:43,475 --> 00:05:47,377
''because none of those things
could exist without six white stripes...
87
00:05:47,446 --> 00:05:51,041
seven red stripes
and a hell of a lot of stars.''
88
00:05:51,116 --> 00:05:52,811
- Thank you very much.
89
00:05:52,884 --> 00:05:55,614
Yeah! Damn right!
90
00:05:58,690 --> 00:06:03,559
'' Recipe for a free country:
Mix one cup liberty with
three teaspoons of justice.
91
00:06:03,629 --> 00:06:06,757
Add one informed electorate.
Baste well with veto power.''
92
00:06:09,067 --> 00:06:12,628
'' My back is spineless.
My belly is yellow.
93
00:06:12,704 --> 00:06:14,729
I am the American nonvoter.''
94
00:06:16,975 --> 00:06:20,433
''Stir in two cups of checks.
Sprinkle liberally with balances.''
95
00:06:22,881 --> 00:06:25,941
'' Ding, dong. The sounds
of the Liberty Bell.
96
00:06:26,018 --> 00:06:29,044
Ding-- freedom.
Dong-- opportunity.
97
00:06:29,121 --> 00:06:32,716
Ding-- excellent schools.
Dong-- quality hospitals.''
98
00:06:35,193 --> 00:06:39,152
''When America was born
on that hotJuly day in 1 77 6...
99
00:06:39,231 --> 00:06:43,668
''the trees in Springfield Forest
were tiny saplings,
trembling towards the sun.
100
00:06:43,735 --> 00:06:45,794
''And as they were nourished
by Mother Earth...
101
00:06:45,871 --> 00:06:48,533
''so too did our fledgling nation
find strength...
102
00:06:48,607 --> 00:06:51,474
''in the simple ideals
of equality and justice.
103
00:06:51,543 --> 00:06:55,240
''Who would have thought
such mighty oaks
or such a powerful nation...
104
00:06:55,313 --> 00:06:59,477
could grow out of something
so fragile, so pure?''
105
00:06:59,551 --> 00:07:01,644
- Thank you.
106
00:07:03,055 --> 00:07:05,023
- What do you think?
- It's good.
107
00:07:05,090 --> 00:07:06,990
A little too good
for an eight-year-old.
108
00:07:07,059 --> 00:07:10,995
Me thinks I detect
the sickly scent of the daddy.
109
00:07:11,063 --> 00:07:15,693
Mr. Simpson, I'd like to
ask you a few questions
about your daughter's essay.
110
00:07:15,767 --> 00:07:18,827
- Lisa, will you excuse us?
- Okay.
111
00:07:18,904 --> 00:07:21,498
''We the purple''?
What the hell was that?
112
00:07:21,573 --> 00:07:24,303
- Are you a professional writer?
- Mm-mmm.
113
00:07:24,376 --> 00:07:26,435
Are you interested in
politics or government?
114
00:07:26,511 --> 00:07:28,172
I don't know.
115
00:07:28,246 --> 00:07:31,807
- Are you interested in anything?
- I don't know.
116
00:07:31,883 --> 00:07:35,250
- Could you touch your nose for me? Hmm.
- Mm. Hmm.
117
00:07:37,522 --> 00:07:40,184
Lisa, after meeting
your father...
118
00:07:40,258 --> 00:07:42,886
I've decided to award you
an additional five points.
119
00:07:42,961 --> 00:07:46,556
Congratulations.
You and your family
are going to Washington.
120
00:07:46,631 --> 00:07:48,963
Wa-hoo!
Who would have guessed...
121
00:07:49,034 --> 00:07:52,165
reading and writing
would pay off?
122
00:08:01,074 --> 00:08:04,100
- Yes, sir, can I get you something?
- Playing cards, notepad...
123
00:08:04,177 --> 00:08:06,611
aspirin, sewing kit,
pilot's wing pin...
124
00:08:06,679 --> 00:08:08,977
propeller-shaped swizzle stick,
sleeping mask...
125
00:08:09,048 --> 00:08:12,245
- and anything else
I've got coming to me.
- I'll see what I can do.
126
00:08:12,318 --> 00:08:15,287
- Hmm.
127
00:08:15,354 --> 00:08:18,619
- Steward!
128
00:08:18,691 --> 00:08:21,683
Little boy, I bet you'd like to
visit the cockpit.
129
00:08:21,761 --> 00:08:23,285
Ooh-ooh, baby!
130
00:08:23,362 --> 00:08:26,798
And this control stick is like
the handlebars on your tricycle.
131
00:08:26,866 --> 00:08:28,959
Now, would you
like to see where
we hang our coats?
132
00:08:29,035 --> 00:08:31,799
No, thank you.
I'd rather push
this button. Oops!
133
00:08:31,871 --> 00:08:34,101
- No!
134
00:08:34,173 --> 00:08:36,869
- We're all gonna die!
135
00:08:39,645 --> 00:08:45,481
Look, Marge, that guy has
the same last name we do. Taxi.!
136
00:08:46,886 --> 00:08:49,753
Oh, look, Homer,
the I.R.S.
137
00:08:49,822 --> 00:08:53,485
- Boo!
- Oh, boo yourself.
138
00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:57,154
[ Marge ]
Here we are, kids.
The Watergate.
139
00:09:07,740 --> 00:09:09,674
- Hey!
140
00:09:09,742 --> 00:09:13,303
Homer, look.!
They give you a shower cap...
141
00:09:13,379 --> 00:09:16,678
and body gel
and bathrobes.
142
00:09:16,749 --> 00:09:19,547
And a welcoming mint
on your pillow.
143
00:09:19,619 --> 00:09:23,521
Wow, a shoehorn.
Just like in the movies.
144
00:09:23,589 --> 00:09:27,787
Shoe goes on, shoe goes off,
shoe goes on, shoe goes off.
145
00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:30,124
Shoe goes on,
shoe goes off.
146
00:09:30,196 --> 00:09:32,130
Hey, I call first bedsies.
147
00:09:32,198 --> 00:09:35,690
Bart, there's no such thing
as first bedsies.
You just made that up.
148
00:09:35,768 --> 00:09:37,702
Well, okay,
which one do you want?
149
00:09:37,770 --> 00:09:40,796
I... want... that one.
150
00:09:40,873 --> 00:09:43,307
Really?
You want that one?
151
00:09:43,376 --> 00:09:45,139
It's all yours.
Whatever you say.
152
00:09:45,211 --> 00:09:47,543
- Why? What's wrong with it?
- Nothing.
153
00:09:47,613 --> 00:09:49,877
- Have a good night's sleep, Lisa.
- No, really, what?
154
00:09:49,949 --> 00:09:51,883
- Nothing.
- What did you do to it?
155
00:09:51,951 --> 00:09:54,317
- Nothing.
- Mom!
156
00:09:56,489 --> 00:10:00,255
What the-- D'oh!
Stupid welcoming mint!
157
00:10:00,326 --> 00:10:03,591
- Hello?
- Good morning.
This is your wake-up call.
158
00:10:03,663 --> 00:10:06,029
Wake-up call?
It's 2:00 a.m.
159
00:10:06,098 --> 00:10:08,032
Sorry, fatso.
160
00:10:11,237 --> 00:10:14,229
Free food?
161
00:10:14,307 --> 00:10:18,903
Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley--
patriotism editor of Reading Digest.
162
00:10:18,978 --> 00:10:20,912
Oh, I love your magazine.
163
00:10:20,980 --> 00:10:23,278
My favorite section is
'' How to Increase Your Word Power.''
164
00:10:23,349 --> 00:10:27,979
That thing is really,
really, really... good.
165
00:10:28,054 --> 00:10:32,388
Well, good.
Lisa, I'd like you to meet
some other finalists.
166
00:10:32,458 --> 00:10:35,586
- This is Trong Van Dinh
and Maria Dominguez.
- Hello.
167
00:10:35,661 --> 00:10:38,129
Maria is the National
Spelling Bee Champion.
168
00:10:38,197 --> 00:10:41,257
And Trong has won both
the Westinghouse Talent Search...
169
00:10:41,334 --> 00:10:44,667
and the NFL Punt,
Pass and Kick Competition.
170
00:10:44,737 --> 00:10:48,673
Have either of you ever run
into any problems because
of your superior ability?
171
00:10:48,741 --> 00:10:52,268
- Hmm?
- Sure, I guess.
- Oh, me too!
172
00:10:53,646 --> 00:10:55,807
These are special
V.I.P. badges.
173
00:10:55,881 --> 00:10:57,906
They'll get you into places
other tourists never see.
174
00:10:57,984 --> 00:11:01,647
- Miss, what does the ''I'' stand for?
- Important.
175
00:11:01,721 --> 00:11:04,713
- Oh! How about the ''V''?
- Very.
176
00:11:04,790 --> 00:11:07,418
- Oh! And, miss,
just one more question.
- Person.
177
00:11:07,493 --> 00:11:09,427
Ah!
178
00:11:09,495 --> 00:11:11,759
- What does the ''I'' stand for again?
- Oh!
179
00:11:16,335 --> 00:11:21,329
- ''On this spot, Richard Nixon
bowled back-to-back 300 games.''
- Yeah, right.
180
00:11:21,407 --> 00:11:25,241
Wow, the president's bathroom.
181
00:11:28,614 --> 00:11:31,515
- Do you mind?
- Barbara Bush!
182
00:11:31,584 --> 00:11:34,417
Oh, you have
those damn badges.
183
00:11:34,487 --> 00:11:39,083
Okay. This tub
was installed in 1 894.
184
00:11:40,159 --> 00:11:43,151
Mmm. Money.
185
00:11:45,831 --> 00:11:47,856
Hey, watch it, chief.
186
00:11:47,933 --> 00:11:51,164
Folks, we print more than
1 8 million bills a day.
187
00:11:51,237 --> 00:11:53,762
Oh, and in case
you were wondering...
188
00:11:53,839 --> 00:11:56,034
no, we don't give out
free samples.
189
00:11:58,110 --> 00:12:00,044
Lousy, cheap country.
190
00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:08,486
Bart, get out
of The Spirit of St. Louis.!
191
00:12:11,357 --> 00:12:15,123
- Hey, what's so funny.
192
00:12:15,194 --> 00:12:18,755
- Oh, Marge, grow up!
193
00:12:20,299 --> 00:12:23,325
Congressman, this is, uh,
Springfield National Forest.
194
00:12:23,402 --> 00:12:27,133
- Now, basically, what we
wanna do is cut her down.
- Uh-huh.
195
00:12:27,206 --> 00:12:29,834
As you can see
in our artist's rendition,
it's full of old growth...
196
00:12:29,909 --> 00:12:31,968
just aging
and festering away.
197
00:12:32,044 --> 00:12:34,740
In comes our logging company
to thin out the clutter.
198
00:12:34,814 --> 00:12:37,476
It's all part of nature's,
you know, cycle.
199
00:12:37,550 --> 00:12:39,484
Well,Jerry, you're a whale
of a lobbyist, and, uh...
200
00:12:39,552 --> 00:12:42,385
I'd like to give you a logging permit,
I would, but, uh...
201
00:12:42,455 --> 00:12:44,787
this isn't like
burying toxic waste.
202
00:12:44,857 --> 00:12:47,325
People are gonna notice
those trees are gone.
203
00:12:49,061 --> 00:12:50,995
Eh, Congressman, this is where
it gets awkward.
204
00:12:51,063 --> 00:12:55,500
I-- I never quite know
how to put this.
205
00:12:55,568 --> 00:12:57,502
- I just want to--
- Offer me a bribe?
206
00:13:01,073 --> 00:13:03,541
- Oh, what is it?
207
00:13:03,609 --> 00:13:06,476
It's that little girl from Springfield
who wrote the essay.
208
00:13:06,545 --> 00:13:08,376
- Could be a good photo-op.
- Sure, fine.
209
00:13:08,447 --> 00:13:10,915
- So, uh, where do we--
- Duh, duh, duh, Not here.
210
00:13:10,983 --> 00:13:15,920
I've got a little place that
I use for these, uh, matters.
Call me tonight.
211
00:13:15,988 --> 00:13:20,220
- Well, hi there.
You must be Lisa Simpson.
- Hello, sir.
212
00:13:20,292 --> 00:13:23,227
Lisa, you're a doer,
and who knows, maybe someday...
213
00:13:23,295 --> 00:13:25,229
you'll be a congressman
or a senator.
214
00:13:25,297 --> 00:13:27,026
We have quite a few
women senators, you know.
215
00:13:27,099 --> 00:13:30,000
- Only two. I checked.
216
00:13:30,069 --> 00:13:32,731
You're a sharp one.
Well, how about a few pictures?
217
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,601
Tot shot always plays
in the sticks.
218
00:13:38,677 --> 00:13:40,668
Oh, isn't that nice?
219
00:13:40,746 --> 00:13:42,680
Now there is
a politician who cares.
220
00:13:42,748 --> 00:13:46,445
If I ever vote,
it'll be for him.
221
00:13:50,689 --> 00:13:52,850
Mom?
222
00:13:52,925 --> 00:13:55,621
Lisa, the contest
isn't for three hours.
223
00:13:55,694 --> 00:13:57,889
I'm too excited to sleep.
224
00:13:57,963 --> 00:14:00,227
Anyone up for the
Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial?
225
00:14:00,299 --> 00:14:02,859
- Who's that?
- An early crusader for women's rights.
226
00:14:02,935 --> 00:14:05,961
She led the Floor Mop
Rebellion of 1 91 0.
227
00:14:06,038 --> 00:14:09,132
Later, she appeared on
the highly unpopular
7 5-cent piece.
228
00:14:09,208 --> 00:14:13,440
- Okay, but you don't know
what you're missing.
229
00:14:17,416 --> 00:14:19,680
Oh!
230
00:14:19,752 --> 00:14:22,152
''I will iron your sheets
when you iron out...
231
00:14:22,221 --> 00:14:24,348
the inequities
in your labor laws.''
232
00:14:24,423 --> 00:14:26,914
- Amen, sister.
233
00:14:26,992 --> 00:14:28,926
I told you
no one ever came here.
234
00:14:28,994 --> 00:14:32,862
So, Bob, where do we stand
on Springfield Forest?
235
00:14:32,932 --> 00:14:35,696
Do I get my logging permit?
236
00:14:35,768 --> 00:14:39,704
Well, let me put it
this way,Jerry. Timber!
237
00:14:44,810 --> 00:14:47,142
- What a pooch.
- Woof woof!.
238
00:15:01,296 --> 00:15:05,665
How can I read my essay now?
I don't believe my own words.
239
00:15:09,738 --> 00:15:12,332
Honest Abe--
he'll show me the way.
240
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,708
- Mr. Lincoln--
- Mr. Lincoln,
I need your advice.
241
00:15:20,783 --> 00:15:22,944
What can I do to make this
a better country?
242
00:15:23,018 --> 00:15:24,952
Is this a good time
to buy a house?
243
00:15:25,020 --> 00:15:27,887
- I can't get my boy to brush.
- Would I look good
with a mustache?
244
00:15:27,956 --> 00:15:31,187
I tried using turpentine,
but that just made it worse.
245
00:15:33,629 --> 00:15:36,189
Mr. Lincoln?
Mr. Lincoln?
246
00:15:36,265 --> 00:15:40,224
My name is Lisa Simpson,
and I have a problem!
247
00:15:43,305 --> 00:15:46,035
Mr.Jefferson,
my name is Lisa Simpson...
248
00:15:46,108 --> 00:15:48,406
- and I have a problem.
- I know your problem.
249
00:15:48,477 --> 00:15:50,570
The Lincoln Memorial
was too crowded.
250
00:15:50,646 --> 00:15:53,581
- Sorry, sir. It's just--
- No one ever comes to see me.
251
00:15:53,649 --> 00:15:56,516
I don't blame them.
I never did anything important--
252
00:15:56,585 --> 00:15:58,576
just the Declaration
of Independence...
253
00:15:58,654 --> 00:16:01,145
the Louisiana Purchase,
the dumbwaiter--
254
00:16:01,223 --> 00:16:03,589
Maybe I should be going.
I caught you at a bad time.
255
00:16:03,659 --> 00:16:07,425
Wait! Please don't go.
I get so lonely.
256
00:16:27,850 --> 00:16:31,149
The truth must be told.
257
00:16:35,491 --> 00:16:39,018
Oh.! Oh.! Oh.! Oh.!
258
00:16:39,094 --> 00:16:41,722
Rudy, my man,
you're a miracle worker.
259
00:16:41,797 --> 00:16:44,630
Your laundry, sir.
260
00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:46,691
There you go.
Buy yourself something nice.
261
00:16:46,768 --> 00:16:50,761
- Thank you.
- Bart, are you ready to
go to--
262
00:16:50,839 --> 00:16:52,864
- I'll room service you.!
- Before you kill me...
263
00:16:52,941 --> 00:16:55,341
remember, this trip
is all expenses paid.
264
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:15,025
- Thank you.
- Oh, this guy is awful.
265
00:17:15,097 --> 00:17:17,031
I know, honey,
but just sit still.
266
00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:21,435
- Welcome, everyone,
to the awards luncheon.
267
00:17:21,503 --> 00:17:24,165
I'd like to introduce
our distinguished judges...
268
00:17:24,239 --> 00:17:26,298
who will select
our scholarship winner.
269
00:17:26,375 --> 00:17:29,708
Former Redskins great
Alonzo Flowers...
270
00:17:29,778 --> 00:17:32,770
perennial third-party candidate
Wilson DeFarge...
271
00:17:32,848 --> 00:17:35,146
Senate page Brad Fletcher...
272
00:17:35,217 --> 00:17:37,447
skin care consultant Rowena...
273
00:17:37,519 --> 00:17:41,216
and wealthy gadabout
Chilton Gaines.
274
00:17:41,290 --> 00:17:45,386
Our first essayist
will be Lisa Simpson.
275
00:17:45,460 --> 00:17:48,952
Lisa? Lisa?
276
00:17:49,031 --> 00:17:53,058
- Oh, there she is.
277
00:17:53,135 --> 00:17:55,831
Lisa Simpson
will now read her essay--
278
00:17:55,904 --> 00:17:58,896
I would like to read
a different essay, if I may?
279
00:17:58,974 --> 00:18:01,204
Um-- Okay.
280
00:18:03,345 --> 00:18:06,439
The city of Washington was built
on a stagnant swamp...
281
00:18:06,515 --> 00:18:10,474
some 200 years ago
and very little has changed.
282
00:18:10,552 --> 00:18:13,544
It stank then
and it stinks now.
283
00:18:13,622 --> 00:18:17,786
Only today, it is
the fetid stench of corruption
that hangs in the air.
284
00:18:17,859 --> 00:18:20,521
- Cool! A ruckus.
285
00:18:23,198 --> 00:18:25,962
And who did I see
taking a bribe...
286
00:18:26,034 --> 00:18:28,525
but the honorable
Bob Arnold.
287
00:18:28,604 --> 00:18:31,072
- But don't worry, Congressman...
288
00:18:31,139 --> 00:18:35,269
I'm sure you can buy
all the votes you need
with your dirty money.
289
00:18:35,344 --> 00:18:39,110
And this will be one nation
under the dollar...
290
00:18:39,181 --> 00:18:42,514
with liberty
and justice for none.
291
00:18:47,656 --> 00:18:50,056
Senator, there's a problem
at the essay contest.
292
00:18:50,125 --> 00:18:52,559
- Please, son, I'm very busy.
- A little girl...
293
00:18:52,628 --> 00:18:55,688
- is losing faith in democracy.
- Good Lord!
294
00:19:00,402 --> 00:19:04,338
Congressman, we want to drill for
oil in Teddy Roosevelt's head.
295
00:19:04,406 --> 00:19:07,842
Well-- Teddy who?
296
00:19:07,909 --> 00:19:10,537
- Congressman...
297
00:19:10,612 --> 00:19:12,546
you're under arrest.
298
00:19:16,518 --> 00:19:19,146
- You work fast.
- I work for Uncle Sam.
299
00:19:21,890 --> 00:19:25,621
We will now vote
on the House bill 1 022--
300
00:19:25,694 --> 00:19:27,525
the expulsion of Bob Arnold.
301
00:19:27,596 --> 00:19:31,555
Mr. Speaker, I'm all for the bill,
but shouldn't we tack on...
302
00:19:31,633 --> 00:19:34,397
- a pay raise for ourselves?
- No.!
303
00:19:38,073 --> 00:19:41,167
Okay, this should make
my bosses very happy.
304
00:19:41,243 --> 00:19:46,408
- Your bosses?
- Yep. All 250 million of them.
305
00:19:49,451 --> 00:19:51,976
When my family arrived
in this country four months ago...
306
00:19:52,054 --> 00:19:54,887
we spoke no English
and had no money in our pockets.
307
00:19:54,956 --> 00:19:59,086
Today, we own a nationwide chain
of wheel-balancing centers.
308
00:19:59,161 --> 00:20:02,392
Where else but in America--
or possibly Canada--
309
00:20:02,464 --> 00:20:05,365
could our family find
such opportunity?
310
00:20:05,434 --> 00:20:08,096
That's why whenever I see
the stars and stripes...
311
00:20:08,170 --> 00:20:12,197
I'll always be reminded
of that wonderful word ''flag.''
312
00:20:14,276 --> 00:20:17,541
There will be a brief recess
while the judges tabulate their votes.
313
00:20:17,612 --> 00:20:20,206
Lisa, what's
gotten into you?
314
00:20:20,282 --> 00:20:23,046
Yeah, your other speech
was a little more crowd pleasing.
315
00:20:23,118 --> 00:20:27,885
I'm sorry, Dad.
I couldn't think of a nice way
to say America stinks.
316
00:20:27,956 --> 00:20:31,016
Extra! Extra!
Feds nab rotten rep.
317
00:20:31,093 --> 00:20:33,027
Give me one of those.
318
00:20:33,095 --> 00:20:37,191
''Imprisoned congressman
becomes born-again Christian. ''
319
00:20:37,265 --> 00:20:41,031
I can't believe it.
The system works.
320
00:20:46,942 --> 00:20:50,343
- He already sang this song.
- No, that was about the budget gap.
321
00:20:50,412 --> 00:20:52,039
- This is the trading gap.
322
00:20:53,482 --> 00:20:55,882
And now
the moment of truth.
323
00:20:55,951 --> 00:21:00,684
Will the winning essay be
'' Bubble on, O melting pot''?
324
00:21:00,756 --> 00:21:03,657
''Lift high your lamp,
Green Lady''?
325
00:21:03,725 --> 00:21:06,558
''USA, A-OK''?
326
00:21:06,628 --> 00:21:09,256
Or ''Cesspool on the Potomac''?
327
00:21:09,331 --> 00:21:12,300
Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool!
Cesspool! Cesspool!
328
00:21:12,367 --> 00:21:14,801
And now the winner is...
329
00:21:14,870 --> 00:21:18,101
'' USA, A-OK,''
by Trong Van Dinh.
330
00:21:18,173 --> 00:21:20,403
D'oh!
331
00:21:23,111 --> 00:21:26,239
Miss Crowley, thank you
for this oversized novelty check.
332
00:21:26,314 --> 00:21:29,841
I would like share this honor
with all of my fellow essayists...
333
00:21:29,918 --> 00:21:32,887
particularly
the courageous Lisa Simpson...
334
00:21:32,954 --> 00:21:35,149
whose inflammatory
rhetoric reminded us...
335
00:21:35,223 --> 00:21:38,715
that the price of freedom
is eternal vigilance.
336
00:21:38,794 --> 00:21:41,888
- Give her the check!
337
00:21:41,963 --> 00:21:43,954
I was serious.
338
00:21:57,445 --> 00:21:59,913
- Ow.!
- Bart!
339
00:21:59,981 --> 00:22:03,439
Lis, you taught me to stand up
for what I believe in.
340
00:22:52,712 --> 00:22:54,646
Shh!
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:02,0028135
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