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1
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:21,933
Hey, Rocket.
2
00:00:22,900 --> 00:00:23,867
Hm?
3
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,667
Look at that. Goat-on-goat
action.
4
00:00:28,467 --> 00:00:29,233
Brilliant.
5
00:00:29,367 --> 00:00:31,533
Rocket. Mac. Focus.
6
00:00:31,667 --> 00:00:35,800
Leave doesn't start for
forty-three hours. Stay sharp.
7
00:00:35,933 --> 00:00:37,633
The enemy wants us
to be distracted.
8
00:00:37,767 --> 00:00:39,067
Are you saying the
Taliban dress up as
9
00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:42,133
goats and shag each other?
Now that's commitment.
10
00:00:42,267 --> 00:00:45,233
Enough! Eyes on.
11
00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:51,433
Those are my goats!
They are not safe!
12
00:00:57,433 --> 00:01:00,133
I don't want my goats
to get blown up.
13
00:01:00,267 --> 00:01:01,467
What's he saying about
his goats, Faruq?
14
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:05,467
He does not want to -
hang on, you speak Pashto?
15
00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:06,300
Hello.
16
00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:07,500
Uh, since when?
17
00:01:07,633 --> 00:01:08,600
Check it out, everyone!
18
00:01:08,733 --> 00:01:11,467
Mills here is learning
my language!
19
00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:12,433
Nice one, Millsy.
20
00:01:12,567 --> 00:01:13,667
Yeah well, um...
I was thinking of
21
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:15,167
learning Pashto too, as it goes.
22
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,867
A woman cannot learn two
languages. It is impossible.
23
00:01:20,067 --> 00:01:23,400
I beg your pardon? And FYI,
I already speak French.
24
00:01:23,533 --> 00:01:25,533
Bonjour. Hello. Go
fuck yourself.
25
00:01:25,667 --> 00:01:26,767
She making that up?
26
00:01:27,867 --> 00:01:30,600
What about my goats?
27
00:01:30,733 --> 00:01:32,400
Your goats are safe.
28
00:01:32,533 --> 00:01:34,533
Very nice, Millsy!
29
00:01:34,667 --> 00:01:35,533
Bumlick.
30
00:02:07,333 --> 00:02:08,867
Bet they goats gave
you a few ideas
31
00:02:09,067 --> 00:02:10,833
for your wedding night, Skip?
32
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:12,667
No.
33
00:02:14,167 --> 00:02:15,467
A few ideas for the stag do?
34
00:02:17,067 --> 00:02:18,067
Well my...
35
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:22,200
My brothers promised
me a wild night.
36
00:02:22,333 --> 00:02:23,700
I'm not sure that involves
goats, though.
37
00:02:23,833 --> 00:02:24,800
What's he got planned, then?
38
00:02:24,933 --> 00:02:26,667
All I know is I that
gotta meet him at
39
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:28,533
Southend Pier next Friday night.
40
00:02:28,667 --> 00:02:31,267
Next week? But we're
up in Scotland!
41
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,367
Like the wedding, you're
not invited.
42
00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:34,467
Oh what?
43
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:35,133
Oh shit, Skip! What
about morale?
44
00:02:35,267 --> 00:02:36,533
This the stag do?
45
00:02:36,667 --> 00:02:37,367
Aye!
46
00:02:37,500 --> 00:02:39,100
It's next week. Southend.
47
00:02:39,233 --> 00:02:40,200
Oh thanks a bunch, Simon.
48
00:02:40,333 --> 00:02:41,933
We haven't all got
a week's leave.
49
00:02:44,467 --> 00:02:45,333
Everything alright with
the device, boss?
50
00:02:45,467 --> 00:02:47,100
Yeah, piece of piss.
51
00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:49,067
Obviously I'm going to tell
Mary it was a nightmare.
52
00:02:49,133 --> 00:02:51,267
She's off on leave as
well in a couple of days.
53
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,333
Got to seize the moment, find
something to impress her.
54
00:02:54,467 --> 00:02:55,933
Having another go
while she's weak,
55
00:02:56,067 --> 00:02:57,900
tired, ready to go home.
56
00:02:58,067 --> 00:02:59,400
You make me sound like...
57
00:03:00,833 --> 00:03:02,100
Do you really think she's
going to be weak at the moment?
58
00:03:02,233 --> 00:03:03,867
I was joking.
59
00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:06,400
So was I. But you do
think she's weak?
60
00:03:06,533 --> 00:03:08,067
Nick! I joined the Army
so I didn't have to
61
00:03:08,167 --> 00:03:09,867
have girly chats, but hey, let's
62
00:03:10,067 --> 00:03:11,233
plait each other's
hair and stick on
63
00:03:11,367 --> 00:03:14,067
Dirty Dancing, shall
we?
64
00:03:29,067 --> 00:03:29,767
Knock, knock.
65
00:03:29,900 --> 00:03:31,933
Come in! Oh, you have.
66
00:03:32,067 --> 00:03:33,900
So, Nick - what can
I do for you?
67
00:03:34,067 --> 00:03:36,300
In my professional
capacity, that is.
68
00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:38,733
Just had a tough day, you know.
69
00:03:38,867 --> 00:03:39,567
Uh-huh.
70
00:03:39,700 --> 00:03:41,167
A really tough device.
71
00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:42,633
Two switches on the main charge,
72
00:03:42,767 --> 00:03:44,600
one was a pressure plate,
the one other was a...
73
00:03:44,733 --> 00:03:45,967
Millsy said it was
a nice, easy one.
74
00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:47,767
Well, don't listen to
everything that Millsy says.
75
00:03:47,900 --> 00:03:49,167
Yeah, Millsy the
pathologically truthful one,
76
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:50,433
I should watch out for him!
77
00:03:50,567 --> 00:03:53,067
Oh, I think it's my
expert assessment that...
78
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:56,167
Apparently, you said it
was "a piece of piss."
79
00:03:56,300 --> 00:03:58,367
No such thing as a
straightforward IED, Mary.
80
00:03:58,500 --> 00:03:59,300
They're all different,
improvised.
81
00:03:59,433 --> 00:04:00,633
That's what the "I" stands for.
82
00:04:00,767 --> 00:04:03,300
What does the "E" stand
for? Oh yeah. Explosive.
83
00:04:03,433 --> 00:04:04,500
Yeah.
84
00:04:04,633 --> 00:04:05,933
And the "D"... well,
that just stands for
85
00:04:06,067 --> 00:04:07,733
device, doesn't matter. Anyway!
86
00:04:07,867 --> 00:04:10,100
I basically totally
fucking nailed it.
87
00:04:10,233 --> 00:04:11,933
Good! Well done, you.
88
00:04:12,067 --> 00:04:13,467
Now, these won't
pack themselves.
89
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:15,300
I'm not Mary Poppins.
No!
90
00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:19,433
Was this toucan a
present from Will?
91
00:04:19,567 --> 00:04:20,333
What?
92
00:04:20,467 --> 00:04:21,400
Did you ex-fiancé get it for you
93
00:04:21,533 --> 00:04:23,433
when he was posted to Belize?
94
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:24,700
How could you possible know...
95
00:04:24,833 --> 00:04:26,833
A lot of soldiers pick
them up out there...
96
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:28,100
Along with an STD.
97
00:04:29,467 --> 00:04:31,467
Well, luckily it was
just the toucan.
98
00:04:32,500 --> 00:04:33,400
You split up with him years ago,
99
00:04:33,533 --> 00:04:35,800
yet you still have
this love token,
100
00:04:35,933 --> 00:04:38,067
love toucan,
on your desk.
101
00:04:38,167 --> 00:04:40,633
It's not a love tok-
Toucan! What?
102
00:04:40,767 --> 00:04:42,067
Just seems like an odd
way to remember someone
103
00:04:42,167 --> 00:04:43,900
who left you over a car.
104
00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:50,700
Hello.
I left you over a car.
105
00:04:50,833 --> 00:04:53,433
You should forget about me...
106
00:04:53,567 --> 00:04:55,167
and move on.
107
00:04:55,300 --> 00:04:57,200
It was a bit more
complicated than that.
108
00:04:57,333 --> 00:04:58,367
Tell me I'm wrong.
109
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:00,533
Why are you still here?
110
00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:01,800
Tell me I'm wrong.
111
00:05:01,933 --> 00:05:03,467
Bye.
112
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:04,467
Bye!
113
00:05:11,700 --> 00:05:13,233
What time is the bus to Kabul?
114
00:05:14,733 --> 00:05:18,067
The security situation
is improving.
115
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:19,333
Start without me?
116
00:05:19,467 --> 00:05:22,433
Without? Oh you know,
you don't need to bother.
117
00:05:22,567 --> 00:05:23,733
I've got it covered.
118
00:05:23,867 --> 00:05:25,100
Wow. Next you'll be
telling me it's impossible
119
00:05:25,233 --> 00:05:26,633
for women to speak more
than one language.
120
00:05:26,767 --> 00:05:30,467
No! I mean... I guess
it would be handy if you
121
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,067
could listen to Taliban
traffic out in the field.
122
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:33,833
Suppose. But mainly,
I want to show Faruq
123
00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:35,333
how much of a dick he is being.
124
00:05:35,467 --> 00:05:37,433
I can speak Pashto just
as well as you can.
125
00:05:37,567 --> 00:05:38,500
It's not a competition.
126
00:05:38,633 --> 00:05:40,867
Correct, it isn't.
Come on, then!
127
00:05:41,067 --> 00:05:44,233
Okay. Uh, repeat
after me. Ho.
128
00:05:45,367 --> 00:05:46,300
Ho.
129
00:05:46,433 --> 00:05:48,333
Yes.
130
00:05:48,467 --> 00:05:50,067
No.
131
00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:51,267
No, no. You don't need to
repeat the English bit.
132
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,067
I'm just telling you what
it means, understand?
133
00:05:53,133 --> 00:05:54,400
Yes. Ho!
134
00:05:54,533 --> 00:05:55,467
Okay. Na.
135
00:05:56,300 --> 00:05:57,200
Na.
136
00:05:57,333 --> 00:05:58,067
No.
137
00:05:58,167 --> 00:05:58,867
No?
138
00:05:59,067 --> 00:05:59,700
Yes. No.
139
00:05:59,833 --> 00:06:01,067
What?
140
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,400
Look, would you
stop messing please, Bird?
141
00:06:02,533 --> 00:06:04,067
Alright.
142
00:06:04,167 --> 00:06:07,367
Okay. Um, let's do numbers.
143
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:08,267
Okay.
144
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,967
All right, after me. Yaw, one.
145
00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:13,400
Yaw, one.
146
00:06:13,533 --> 00:06:16,267
Dwah, two.
147
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:17,167
Dwah.
148
00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:18,067
What, three's the same as two?
149
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:19,300
No I'm...
150
00:06:19,433 --> 00:06:21,367
Bird, I'm correcting
your pronunciation. Dwah.
151
00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:22,700
That's what I said.
152
00:06:22,833 --> 00:06:23,433
Look, do you want to learn
this properly or not?
153
00:06:23,567 --> 00:06:24,567
Ho. That means yes.
154
00:06:24,700 --> 00:06:25,933
Okay, I knew this was a mistake.
155
00:06:26,067 --> 00:06:28,200
Why? 'Cause thick chick Bird
can't learn the language?
156
00:06:28,333 --> 00:06:29,633
Do you know what, I'm
going to my bunk.
157
00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:34,200
Or, as they say in French,
je suis... going to my bunk.
158
00:06:34,333 --> 00:06:35,433
Je vais a ma chambre.
159
00:06:35,567 --> 00:06:38,400
Oh, tu es un grand dick.
160
00:06:51,700 --> 00:06:52,833
You alright, son?
161
00:06:52,967 --> 00:06:55,067
Charlotte's really pissed
off about the stag night.
162
00:06:55,167 --> 00:06:57,600
'Cause we are not invited?
No surprises there.
163
00:06:57,733 --> 00:06:59,400
No, knob cheese.
164
00:06:59,533 --> 00:07:01,800
She's found out what we're
planning and she is not happy.
165
00:07:01,933 --> 00:07:03,767
She wants to cancel
the stripper?
166
00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:07,500
We're not having a stripper!
But we are having a stripper.
167
00:07:07,633 --> 00:07:10,100
And she's cancelled it.
168
00:07:10,233 --> 00:07:11,367
Is that a list of rules?
169
00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:13,667
Kind of. No strippers,
no public nudity,
170
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,100
no getting arrested...
171
00:07:16,467 --> 00:07:17,733
- That is out of order!
- That's ridiculous!
172
00:07:17,867 --> 00:07:19,600
I am allowed to play crazy
golf, so that's something.
173
00:07:19,733 --> 00:07:22,467
Skip, I know you usually
ignore my advice
174
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,167
and usually you're
right to do so.
175
00:07:25,300 --> 00:07:26,933
But you need to tell
her you're not
176
00:07:27,067 --> 00:07:28,067
putting up with this
sort of thing.
177
00:07:28,167 --> 00:07:29,100
Aye.
178
00:07:29,233 --> 00:07:30,500
Guys, this is Charlotte.
179
00:07:30,633 --> 00:07:31,733
This is the woman who had
two-hundred invites reprinted
180
00:07:31,867 --> 00:07:33,667
'cause they were the
wrong shade of ivory.
181
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:36,067
Aye. So, you need to
be firm with her.
182
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,233
And if you are, she'll
find that more attractive
183
00:07:38,367 --> 00:07:39,100
than if you're a pussy.
184
00:07:39,233 --> 00:07:40,600
I can't just ring her up...
185
00:07:40,733 --> 00:07:43,733
What's the first rule of stag
nights? There are no rules.
186
00:07:43,867 --> 00:07:44,567
Yes, sir.
187
00:07:44,700 --> 00:07:45,667
Balls, Simon.
188
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:47,833
I beg your pardon, sir?
189
00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:50,233
Balls. Keep up. Where
are your balls?
190
00:07:50,367 --> 00:07:52,067
Are they firmly attached,
or has your fiancé
191
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:53,367
plucked them from your perineum
192
00:07:53,500 --> 00:07:55,333
and placed them in an
ice box, in Chelmsford?
193
00:07:55,467 --> 00:07:56,267
We live in Braintree.
194
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:57,967
Simon! Balls!
195
00:08:01,567 --> 00:08:03,533
You heard him. Balls!
196
00:08:05,733 --> 00:08:07,333
We should do you a
proper stag here.
197
00:08:07,467 --> 00:08:08,800
Um.
198
00:08:08,933 --> 00:08:10,900
Aye! Nudity, strippers! We'll
get the MPs to arrest you!
199
00:08:11,067 --> 00:08:12,133
Uh...
200
00:08:12,267 --> 00:08:13,600
We could all dress up
in the same clothes!
201
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:17,500
Genius. We'll take him
into the village
202
00:08:17,633 --> 00:08:19,067
and tie him naked to a
lamppost.
203
00:08:19,167 --> 00:08:22,700
Oh, Mac! The security concerns
alone would mean that we...
204
00:08:22,833 --> 00:08:24,067
We could lock down the area
205
00:08:24,167 --> 00:08:26,500
with an infantry platoon first.
206
00:08:26,633 --> 00:08:29,133
Anyway, there's no beer,
and there's no strippers,
207
00:08:29,267 --> 00:08:30,633
means there's no...
208
00:08:30,767 --> 00:08:32,633
Hey, boss! Get Mary to give
us some of her communion wine.
209
00:08:32,767 --> 00:08:34,067
I don't fancy my chances.
210
00:08:34,167 --> 00:08:35,333
Just tell her the last
Padre would leave
211
00:08:35,467 --> 00:08:36,600
the odd bottle lying
about the place, eh?
212
00:08:36,733 --> 00:08:38,300
Look, I'll try but I
think you'll have to
213
00:08:38,433 --> 00:08:39,300
ask Faruq for some beer.
214
00:08:39,433 --> 00:08:41,233
You want beer? I get you beer.
215
00:08:41,367 --> 00:08:44,567
My cousin, he makes lentil beer,
shall we say fifty dollars?
216
00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:45,800
It is agreed!
217
00:08:45,933 --> 00:08:48,400
You know the rules! No
alcohol in theatre.
218
00:08:48,533 --> 00:08:51,067
What's the first rule? No rules!
219
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:57,633
Are you saying we can have
alcohol, sir? Sir! Sir!
220
00:08:58,433 --> 00:09:02,200
Faruq, do you know how
to make really hot curry?
221
00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:04,600
Of course! Goat, chicken, cat...
222
00:09:04,733 --> 00:09:06,367
Oh, I've never had cat.
223
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:10,233
Hello, love. Yeah, I
know it's early, sorry.
224
00:09:10,367 --> 00:09:13,067
I just wanted to get you
before you went to the gym.
225
00:09:13,933 --> 00:09:16,800
Sorry, it's Thursday. I forgot.
226
00:09:16,933 --> 00:09:20,400
These rules that you
sent through...
227
00:09:20,533 --> 00:09:23,067
Not acceptable, Charlotte! Yeah.
228
00:09:23,167 --> 00:09:26,100
I'm not going to put up
with this shit anymore.
229
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,533
Yeah, yeah I did
just say "shit."
230
00:09:27,667 --> 00:09:32,233
Yeah, shit. Shit, shit,
shitty shit. Shit. Shit.
231
00:09:34,067 --> 00:09:38,600
Charlotte? Hello?
Hello? Oh, shit.
232
00:09:43,267 --> 00:09:44,267
Hi Mary.
233
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:47,100
Nick Medhurst in the
chapel?
234
00:09:47,233 --> 00:09:48,067
What do you want?
235
00:09:48,133 --> 00:09:49,400
I've come to confess my sins.
236
00:09:49,533 --> 00:09:50,867
I'm not sure I have that long.
237
00:09:51,067 --> 00:09:52,267
Seriously, I wanted to apologise
238
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:55,767
for winding you up earlier.
It was... uncalled for.
239
00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:57,500
It's fine, I know you're tired.
240
00:09:57,633 --> 00:09:59,433
Thanks. Anyway, I don't
know how much you knew
241
00:09:59,567 --> 00:10:02,467
about your predecessor, but
he was very big on morale.
242
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,400
I'm not giving you
communion wine.
243
00:10:05,467 --> 00:10:06,500
Well, it's not for me.
It's for Simon's stag do.
244
00:10:06,633 --> 00:10:09,133
Thing is, Nick, that
wine is for, um...
245
00:10:09,267 --> 00:10:12,600
What was it again? Oh,
yeah! Communion.
246
00:10:12,733 --> 00:10:13,933
And yes, the occasional
glass for somebody
247
00:10:14,067 --> 00:10:15,433
who's had some genuine trauma.
248
00:10:15,567 --> 00:10:18,133
If I was marrying Charlotte,
I'd be having genuine trauma.
249
00:10:18,267 --> 00:10:19,967
You know very well
it isn't allowed.
250
00:10:20,100 --> 00:10:21,467
Okay look, here's
a new idea, okay?
251
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,033
So how about we turn
the stag night into
252
00:10:24,167 --> 00:10:26,867
a sort of communion service,
only with a lot more wine,
253
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,267
and curry instead of wafers?
254
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,200
For heaven's sake, Nick.
Look, I know you don't
255
00:10:31,333 --> 00:10:32,667
believe what I believe,
but do you have to
256
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,633
take the piss the whole time?
257
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:37,233
Yeah. Yeah, actually I do.
258
00:10:37,367 --> 00:10:39,067
Because my ridiculously
dangerous job means
259
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:41,767
that I don't approach life
the same way that you do.
260
00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:44,667
This is one sodding bottle
of wine, Mary.
261
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,467
And it's not even for me.
Fine, you think I'm a twat,
262
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,300
but don't take that out
on a bunch of guys
263
00:10:49,433 --> 00:10:50,700
who've made it halfway
through a tour without
264
00:10:50,833 --> 00:10:53,567
getting shot, mortared, or
blown to pieces by an IED.
265
00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:56,033
Just get a sense of
fucking perspective.
266
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,567
Listen, Faruq. I need your
help. Teach me Pashto.
267
00:11:04,900 --> 00:11:07,067
I will help as much
as I can, but
268
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,700
probably a lost cause.
269
00:11:08,833 --> 00:11:10,433
Well, let's just give
it a go, shall we?
270
00:11:10,567 --> 00:11:11,667
Not going to let Millsy win.
271
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:12,833
Win what?
272
00:11:12,967 --> 00:11:14,200
Can we start?
273
00:11:14,333 --> 00:11:17,500
Okay, okay. Very useful
phrase for you.
274
00:11:21,133 --> 00:11:24,633
Hm, and what does that mean?
275
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:28,233
Please clean up my room.
And you would say, "Ho!"
276
00:11:28,367 --> 00:11:30,667
Not to you I wouldn't. "Na!"
277
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,600
You are always making
the jokes, Corporal Bird.
278
00:11:33,733 --> 00:11:38,767
Very funny! Okay, say this.
279
00:11:39,067 --> 00:11:43,167
That means?
280
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:46,767
When are you going to
clean the windows?
281
00:11:46,900 --> 00:11:48,833
Right. And what's Pashto
for, "It's your turn
282
00:11:48,967 --> 00:11:50,267
to clean the fucking windows"?
283
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:53,933
Oh! A zinger.
284
00:11:54,067 --> 00:11:55,500
I am just trying to
focus on the most
285
00:11:55,633 --> 00:11:57,400
useful phrases for women.
286
00:11:57,533 --> 00:11:58,733
Oh.
287
00:11:58,867 --> 00:12:03,700
Please clean up the vomit.
288
00:12:03,867 --> 00:12:05,267
You know what, Faruq?
I was right all along.
289
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,067
You're a bigger dick
than Millsy.
290
00:12:11,167 --> 00:12:13,133
Oh, hi, Millsy. You big dick.
291
00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:14,933
Yeah, we've got a shout
on. Suspected car bomb
292
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,067
outside a heath clinic, now.
293
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:18,633
You could've
said, you dick.
294
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:36,067
And Mac's invented a game
called "Hunt the Simon"! Genius!
295
00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:38,167
Don't know how he comes
up with them!
296
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:40,500
It's gonna be the
best stag ever!
297
00:12:40,633 --> 00:12:42,400
I'm not sure it is.
298
00:12:42,533 --> 00:12:44,133
Faruq's curry is
gonna be awesome!
299
00:12:44,267 --> 00:12:45,900
I'm not sure it is.
300
00:12:46,067 --> 00:12:48,633
There isn't going to
be a stag night anyway.
301
00:12:48,767 --> 00:12:49,633
The wedding's off.
302
00:12:49,767 --> 00:12:51,167
- Oh dear.
- Fuck!
303
00:12:51,300 --> 00:12:54,067
Yes, I took your advice,
Mac. I stood up to her,
304
00:12:54,133 --> 00:12:55,633
and I said, "This is the
way things are gonna be."
305
00:12:55,767 --> 00:12:58,567
And she said that wasn't
the way things are gonna be.
306
00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:00,933
So that isn't the way
things are gonna be.
307
00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:03,833
Fair play! I thought
she wanted a real man.
308
00:13:03,967 --> 00:13:05,567
Turns out she wanted you.
309
00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:07,733
We can still have the
stag night, though, right?
310
00:13:07,867 --> 00:13:09,867
Obviously not.
311
00:13:27,367 --> 00:13:29,433
Right, 'till I know if there's
a device in the car or not,
312
00:13:29,567 --> 00:13:30,967
we're treating this as a Cat A,
313
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:32,067
so we need to get a shift on.
314
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:33,933
- Hogg, Millsy, Bird
- sit rep, now.
315
00:13:34,067 --> 00:13:35,967
Number one - evacuation
of the clinic.
316
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:37,967
In progress, boss. There's
dozen people in there,
317
00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:39,667
so they've got to cut bars
out of the back window.
318
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:40,833
They're saying forty minutes.
319
00:13:40,967 --> 00:13:43,533
Oh, good. By which
I mean, "Oh, shit."
320
00:13:44,633 --> 00:13:46,333
I need to get to that car.
321
00:13:46,467 --> 00:13:48,167
Hogg, how much longer on the
search for command wires?
322
00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:51,600
Can I interest you in an
hour? Fifty minutes, boss?
323
00:13:51,733 --> 00:13:53,200
Quite shit, but thank you.
324
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:54,767
How long as the area
been secure?
325
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:55,867
Ninety minutes.
326
00:13:56,067 --> 00:13:58,067
Okay, so it's unlikely
it's on a timer.
327
00:13:58,167 --> 00:13:59,900
And I see a fair amount
of dickers have chosen
328
00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:01,567
to join us for today's antics.
329
00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:03,067
Bird, what are your
thoughts on RCs?
330
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:04,900
Low risk, boss. And
we can mitigate.
331
00:14:05,067 --> 00:14:10,067
Okay. So let's assume
that it's victim-operated.
332
00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:13,500
And let's hope by victim,
I don't mean me.
333
00:14:13,633 --> 00:14:15,767
Right, let's get this
ICP set up, then.
334
00:14:15,900 --> 00:14:17,133
Troopie!
335
00:14:17,267 --> 00:14:21,267
Oh, good. An IED basically...
right there. Handy.
336
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:22,833
Okay, mark and avoid and...
337
00:14:22,967 --> 00:14:24,067
Troopie.
338
00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:27,733
Okay, nobody fucking
move! Two IEDs. Yay!
339
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,567
So Hogg, I want you to
complete the search, okay?
340
00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:31,333
And here and here.
I want to mitigate
341
00:14:31,467 --> 00:14:32,967
the possibility of
command devices.
342
00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:34,333
We'll deal with them
later, that way I can
343
00:14:34,467 --> 00:14:35,633
get to the car as
soon as possible.
344
00:14:35,767 --> 00:14:38,067
I want the vehicle brought
around here,
345
00:14:38,167 --> 00:14:40,100
we'll work on the safe
side of it. All okay?
346
00:14:40,233 --> 00:14:40,933
Yes, boss.
347
00:14:41,067 --> 00:14:41,967
Okay, crack on.
348
00:14:55,867 --> 00:14:58,400
Right team, let's start
again. Millsy.
349
00:14:58,533 --> 00:15:00,167
So, staff and patients are out,
350
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,567
but there's a woman in labour.
351
00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:02,800
What?
352
00:15:02,933 --> 00:15:05,133
And her midwife. Can't
get them out the window.
353
00:15:05,267 --> 00:15:07,500
Oh, Fuckton-on-Thames.
354
00:15:07,633 --> 00:15:09,100
Okay, just get her
into the back room
355
00:15:09,233 --> 00:15:10,233
and make sure she stays there.
356
00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:11,767
I'll radio the platoon sergeant.
357
00:15:11,900 --> 00:15:13,067
Alright.
358
00:15:13,167 --> 00:15:16,767
Now, the six million-dollar
question...
359
00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:19,067
Uh, it's the million
dollar question, boss.
360
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,900
Six million dollar man,
million dollar question.
361
00:15:22,067 --> 00:15:23,500
What a great time
to bring up a guy
362
00:15:23,633 --> 00:15:26,500
who was rebuilt after a
horrific accident.
363
00:15:26,633 --> 00:15:27,733
Oh, yeah.
364
00:15:27,867 --> 00:15:31,133
My question was, is there
a device in the car,
365
00:15:31,267 --> 00:15:32,900
or is this whole thing
just a come-on
366
00:15:33,067 --> 00:15:34,533
to get us on top of
these two IEDs?
367
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,267
Hogg, what's the situation
with command wires?
368
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:37,867
Nothing yet. Ten minutes?
369
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:39,333
Cheers, Sergeant.
Thank you, Millsy.
370
00:15:39,467 --> 00:15:40,333
Boss.
371
00:15:51,067 --> 00:15:53,333
You should call Charlotte
when you get back.
372
00:15:53,467 --> 00:15:56,067
It's not worth losing the
wedding for a stag do.
373
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,567
It's not just the stag
do, though, is it, boss?
374
00:15:58,700 --> 00:15:59,400
The whole thing...
375
00:15:59,533 --> 00:16:01,333
Yeah, yeah. I know.
376
00:16:01,467 --> 00:16:04,067
Surely it's better to back
down than to die alone.
377
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,367
Bloody hell, boss,
that's a bit steep.
378
00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:09,467
Tell her you had a near-miss.
379
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:11,800
Stepped very close to a device.
380
00:16:11,933 --> 00:16:13,700
Been thinking about
your mortality.
381
00:16:14,533 --> 00:16:18,467
Kiss, make up, and then
get back to whatever
382
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,833
freaky, dominatrix shit I'm
presuming Charlotte's into.
383
00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:38,567
We're done, boss. Haven't
found anything. Not a sausage.
384
00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:40,900
Right, I'm gonna put
my balls on the table.
385
00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:41,900
Ugh.
386
00:16:43,233 --> 00:16:44,500
I'm willing to bet that
I could spend the next
387
00:16:44,633 --> 00:16:45,900
two hours searching that car and
388
00:16:46,067 --> 00:16:47,867
there's not even a bomb in it.
389
00:16:48,067 --> 00:16:49,233
There's not a bomb?
390
00:16:49,367 --> 00:16:51,733
So you could just leap
in it and drive off?
391
00:16:51,867 --> 00:16:53,067
Yeah, great idea, Rocket.
392
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,200
Why don't you leap in
it and drive off?
393
00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:57,267
I cannot drive.
394
00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:00,133
Ah. The only flaw in an
otherwise brilliant plan.
395
00:17:00,267 --> 00:17:01,767
Faruq's got an eyewitness.
396
00:17:01,900 --> 00:17:02,767
Excellent.
397
00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:16,733
He saw someone park the
car three hours ago,
398
00:17:16,867 --> 00:17:18,067
climb out, and walk away.
399
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,867
Three hours ago? That
timeline can't be right...
400
00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:22,500
Wait, he said "khirke".
That's "window" isn't it?
401
00:17:22,633 --> 00:17:23,333
Why did he say window?
402
00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:24,433
I don't know.
403
00:17:24,567 --> 00:17:26,533
Fucking ask him again,
knobchops!
404
00:17:32,267 --> 00:17:34,200
He climbed out of the
window and walked away.
405
00:17:34,333 --> 00:17:37,300
So there is a device in the
car. I am impressed, Bird.
406
00:17:37,433 --> 00:17:38,867
Always thought there
was a device in there.
407
00:17:39,067 --> 00:17:40,500
Thanks. No you didn't!
You said -
408
00:17:40,633 --> 00:17:42,200
Right, better get down there.
409
00:17:43,267 --> 00:17:43,967
Thanks.
410
00:18:16,533 --> 00:18:17,700
Bird.
411
00:18:17,833 --> 00:18:18,633
Hm?
412
00:18:18,767 --> 00:18:20,467
I'm sorry about... you know.
413
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,400
Being the shittiest
teacher ever?
414
00:18:23,267 --> 00:18:26,400
Okay, yes I was a bit
of a dick, I admit.
415
00:18:26,533 --> 00:18:29,233
That's all right. You weren't
the absolute shittiest.
416
00:18:29,367 --> 00:18:30,233
Faruq was.
417
00:18:31,300 --> 00:18:32,167
Hey!
418
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,233
Skip! I was thinking...
419
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:38,333
Hm?
420
00:18:38,467 --> 00:18:40,833
Now you're single, and
a lance corporal
421
00:18:40,967 --> 00:18:43,800
on leave fae Afghan, you
could shag your way from
422
00:18:43,933 --> 00:18:45,733
John O'Groats to Land's End.
423
00:18:45,867 --> 00:18:49,100
Well... John O'Groats
to Inverness?
424
00:18:50,633 --> 00:18:52,967
No, I'm going to call
Charlotte and explain the
425
00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:55,733
pressure I've been put
under by my team members.
426
00:18:55,867 --> 00:18:56,767
It's not my fault!
427
00:18:56,900 --> 00:18:58,600
You told me to stand up to her!
428
00:18:58,733 --> 00:19:02,833
Shit, aye... Aye,
it is my fault.
429
00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:04,967
Then we can get married
like she always wanted.
430
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:06,367
Like we always wanted.
431
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:09,833
Stag night, back on!
432
00:19:12,133 --> 00:19:14,333
Gleaming!
433
00:19:14,467 --> 00:19:17,267
Oh, dear.
434
00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:29,400
Okay, Millsy, I'm pretty
sure the main device
435
00:19:29,533 --> 00:19:31,067
is in the boot and
I'm fairly sure
436
00:19:31,133 --> 00:19:32,333
it's going to be heavily
booby-trapped,
437
00:19:32,467 --> 00:19:35,433
so I think I'm going to
go in through the window.
438
00:19:35,567 --> 00:19:37,267
Okay, boss. Be careful.
439
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:41,433
Ah, being careful. Good plan.
440
00:19:50,067 --> 00:19:51,400
Hello.
441
00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:01,500
Okay, he can tow the car.
442
00:21:01,633 --> 00:21:02,800
That is, of course, unless
Rocket wants to
443
00:21:02,933 --> 00:21:04,567
practise his three-point turns?
444
00:21:04,700 --> 00:21:07,067
Very nice job, boss. Want
the last of the water?
445
00:21:07,167 --> 00:21:09,300
Yes. Fucking chin-strapped.
446
00:21:20,233 --> 00:21:23,433
Seriously,
thank you, guys.
447
00:21:23,567 --> 00:21:25,167
I couldn't have done
it without you.
448
00:21:26,067 --> 00:21:28,167
Well, I could've
done most of it,
449
00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:30,400
just, you know, not all of it.
450
00:21:32,767 --> 00:21:36,800
The baby is born and
praise to God, it's a boy!
451
00:21:36,933 --> 00:21:37,733
Dick.
452
00:21:37,867 --> 00:21:39,933
The new mother is very grateful
453
00:21:40,067 --> 00:21:42,733
and she will name her
son in our honour.
454
00:21:42,867 --> 00:21:44,067
She's calling him Nick?
455
00:21:44,167 --> 00:21:47,667
No. No! She has named
her son Faruq!
456
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:48,667
Oh.
457
00:21:51,633 --> 00:21:52,667
So, we done?
458
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:54,067
Yep. Apart from those
two other IEDs.
459
00:21:57,700 --> 00:21:59,067
Just give me a minute.
460
00:22:00,500 --> 00:22:02,967
Um, we don't want to
lose the light, boss.
461
00:22:03,100 --> 00:22:03,967
Yep.
462
00:22:08,067 --> 00:22:09,733
These things will
kill me, anyway.
463
00:22:11,067 --> 00:22:11,967
Are you alright, boss?
464
00:22:12,100 --> 00:22:13,900
Nowhere in the world
I'd rather be.
465
00:22:16,433 --> 00:22:17,367
Let's crack on!
466
00:22:30,467 --> 00:22:31,367
Stag night!
467
00:22:33,767 --> 00:22:34,900
I'll get the kerosene!
468
00:22:35,067 --> 00:22:37,300
Whoa, whoa! We don't want
to overdo this, guys!
469
00:22:37,433 --> 00:22:38,533
I don't want to get
hospitalised when we're
470
00:22:38,667 --> 00:22:40,567
less than twelve hours
away from R&R.
471
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,067
Hey, Nick.
472
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,333
Oh, hello.
473
00:22:46,467 --> 00:22:47,500
Boss, boss! Come on!
474
00:22:47,633 --> 00:22:49,067
We've got a flame-grill
100 poppadoms!
475
00:22:49,167 --> 00:22:50,067
Ah you took so long
on that car bomb,
476
00:22:50,133 --> 00:22:51,933
we're way behind on the stag do.
477
00:22:52,067 --> 00:22:53,067
Okay guys, I think I need...
478
00:22:53,167 --> 00:22:55,267
Look, will you two
leave him alone
479
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:56,367
for one flipping minute? Okay?
480
00:22:56,500 --> 00:22:57,700
Can't you see he's too tired?
481
00:22:57,833 --> 00:23:00,233
He needs a rest before
your stupid stag night!
482
00:23:00,367 --> 00:23:02,433
He's just defused two
IEDs and a car bomb,
483
00:23:02,567 --> 00:23:03,433
and saved the lives of a mother,
484
00:23:03,567 --> 00:23:05,400
midwife, and a newborn baby.
485
00:23:05,533 --> 00:23:06,933
Aye, we saw.
486
00:23:07,067 --> 00:23:10,233
Well, sorry. I'm sorry, Nick.
487
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:14,167
Tell you what, come
and find me later
488
00:23:14,300 --> 00:23:16,367
and we'll have a little snifter.
489
00:23:16,500 --> 00:23:17,433
Yeah. Okay.
490
00:23:19,867 --> 00:23:20,733
Okay.
491
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:29,967
Do you know what, Bird? I
think I am finally in there.
492
00:23:30,100 --> 00:23:31,767
At fucking last.
493
00:23:36,267 --> 00:23:38,833
My cousin called. He
says the lentil curry
494
00:23:38,967 --> 00:23:40,933
and beer is doing very nicely.
495
00:23:41,067 --> 00:23:44,067
It's lentil beer, isn't
it? No lentil curry?
496
00:23:44,133 --> 00:23:48,867
Oh, yes! The two are
very much separate! Yes!
497
00:23:50,133 --> 00:23:51,767
Excuse me while I make a call.
498
00:24:12,667 --> 00:24:17,400
Ah, I've had worse. But
only in Dundee!
499
00:24:17,533 --> 00:24:18,300
Is that the booze?
500
00:24:18,433 --> 00:24:19,567
Technically!
501
00:24:19,700 --> 00:24:20,833
Be nice if we had some
pitta bread to dip in it.
502
00:24:20,967 --> 00:24:23,567
Of course, I am forbidden
form drinking alcohol.
503
00:24:23,700 --> 00:24:26,733
Which is a relief,
I mean, look at it.
504
00:24:26,867 --> 00:24:28,067
Well, you know, the last
Padre would have
505
00:24:28,167 --> 00:24:29,967
had some communion wine
for times like this,
506
00:24:30,100 --> 00:24:32,600
but the new one...
Nah, not so much.
507
00:24:32,733 --> 00:24:34,600
Well, I'll just put
this away then.
508
00:24:34,733 --> 00:24:35,600
No!
509
00:24:36,700 --> 00:24:37,800
Yes!
510
00:24:39,633 --> 00:24:42,933
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you!
511
00:24:43,067 --> 00:24:44,600
Here's to freedom!
512
00:24:44,733 --> 00:24:45,967
To freedom!
513
00:24:46,100 --> 00:24:49,467
Hey!
514
00:24:52,633 --> 00:24:54,433
Whoa, bloody hell, that is rank!
515
00:24:54,567 --> 00:24:56,500
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What do you mean "freedom"?
516
00:24:56,633 --> 00:24:58,267
Oh, I was going to tell
Charlotte that I had a near-miss,
517
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:00,600
get her back, then I
thought, "Fuck that!"
518
00:25:01,467 --> 00:25:02,933
I don't wanna be with
someone who makes up rules
519
00:25:03,067 --> 00:25:04,633
for my fucking stag night!
520
00:25:05,467 --> 00:25:06,567
Are you sure about that?
521
00:25:06,700 --> 00:25:08,067
If she doesn't want to
be with a real man,
522
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:10,400
like me, then she can jog on.
523
00:25:10,533 --> 00:25:13,433
Good decision, Skip. Now,
where's that communion wine?
524
00:25:13,567 --> 00:25:15,833
There's communion wine?
Shit, you could've said.
525
00:25:15,967 --> 00:25:19,067
Good, alright. I'm
gonna go find Nick.
526
00:25:22,300 --> 00:25:23,700
I'm king of the world!
527
00:25:26,067 --> 00:25:28,633
Nick, sorry I'm late,
I was just...
528
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:56,067
Hello, you.
529
00:26:02,333 --> 00:26:03,500
Hey, hey, Padre.
530
00:26:03,633 --> 00:26:04,533
Want to try some of
this goat curry?
531
00:26:04,667 --> 00:26:06,333
Mm, it's fucking blinding.
532
00:26:06,467 --> 00:26:08,400
Watch out. I think that
may be literally true.
533
00:26:08,533 --> 00:26:10,300
Mm, I might hold off.
534
00:26:11,733 --> 00:26:12,967
Oh, uh...
535
00:26:13,100 --> 00:26:14,333
It's just some old trinket
536
00:26:14,467 --> 00:26:15,533
I've been meaning to get rid of.
537
00:26:15,667 --> 00:26:18,433
Nah, it's that wee
toucan your ex gave you.
538
00:26:19,267 --> 00:26:21,600
Where's the stag?
539
00:26:21,733 --> 00:26:23,300
Just over there.
540
00:26:23,433 --> 00:26:24,300
Oh.
541
00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:28,600
God, I love her.
542
00:26:32,067 --> 00:26:33,567
Her hair! Her hair! Tiny nose.
543
00:26:37,267 --> 00:26:42,300
*And I miss you! Like the
deserts miss the rain.*
544
00:26:44,333 --> 00:26:45,367
Karaoke! Brilliant.
545
00:26:45,500 --> 00:26:46,900
Simon, do you want to talk?
546
00:26:47,067 --> 00:26:48,833
Thank fuck. You take
over, Padre.
547
00:26:50,500 --> 00:26:52,600
I should... I should've
said sorry.
548
00:26:52,733 --> 00:26:55,267
She was right, she's
aways right!
549
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:58,933
I miss her so much!
Wait!
550
00:26:59,067 --> 00:27:00,733
- Oh, Skip!
- Fuck.
551
00:27:02,100 --> 00:27:05,967
What's going on here?
Some sort of stomach bug,
552
00:27:06,100 --> 00:27:07,867
I presume? Let's hope
those of you not on R&R
553
00:27:08,067 --> 00:27:11,900
tomorrow don't contract
this... surprising disease.
554
00:27:12,067 --> 00:27:13,633
Fingers crossed, sir.
555
00:27:13,767 --> 00:27:15,233
Carry on.
556
00:27:17,467 --> 00:27:18,300
Hey, Faruq.
557
00:27:19,367 --> 00:27:20,700
Please
clean up this vomit.
558
00:27:22,067 --> 00:27:23,200
Boom
559
00:27:23,333 --> 00:27:24,967
Seriously, guys. I thought
this was meant to be
560
00:27:25,100 --> 00:27:26,867
a fucking party! Come on!
561
00:27:27,067 --> 00:27:30,333
Yes, more curry! I mean beer!
562
00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:09,533
So you really thought
I was asleep just then?
563
00:28:09,667 --> 00:28:10,933
Bloody hell, Nick!
40407
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