All language subtitles for The.Office.US.S04E13.EXTENDED.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

This is ridiculous.

Do you have any idea what
time we'll get out of here?

- I don't know, Phyllis.
I'm upset about it, too.

I had tickets to see Tom Petty.

Yeah, well Friday
nights are the nights

that I pick out my outfits
for Saturday nights.

Well, I had to give the
tickets to my ex-wife

and her boyfriend.

Took a big loss. Not
that anybody cares.

- There's a perception out
there that working in the paper

industry is glamorous.

But here's what the
media doesn't show you.

Sometimes we have to stay
late on a Friday night.

Did I just blow your mind?

This sucks.

Nobody likes to work late.

Least of all me.

You have plans tonight?

- Nope, I don't.
Remember when you told us

not to make plans
because we were working?

Yes, I remember.

Mm, this is B.S. This
is B.S. Why are we here?

I am going to call corporate.

Enough is enough.

I'm... God, I'm so mad!

This is Michael Scott, Scranton.

Well, we don't want to work.

No, we don't!

It's not fair to these people!

These people are my friends
and I care about them!

We're not going to do it.

Everybody, I just got off
the horn with corporate,

and basically I told
them where they could

stick their little
overtime assignment.

Where's that?

- Where the sun
don't shine, Jim!

(Meredith laughs)

But we just ordered pizza.

So they just canceled it?

Yeah.

Did they say why?

- No. You never know
with these clowns so...

So do we pick it up on Monday?

- You know what that's,
that doesn't even matter.

Don't even worry about it.
This is my gift to you.

Okay? Go enjoy your Friday.

Thank you, Michael.

Alright.

(clapping)

- Happy Friday. Well, I think
we dodged a bullet there.

I think you did.

- I think we should
celebrate. How about you, Pam,

mi casa, little dinner,
dancing, drinks?

- I-

- You said you
didn't have plans.

That's what you said.

- Michael has asked
Pam and me to dinner

at least nine times.

And every time, we've been
able to get out of it.

But I got to give him credit.

He got me.

Because I'm starting to
suspect that there was

no assignment from Corporate.

Michael.

[Michael] Hm?

- What time should
I be arriving?

Dwight, it's couples only.

And besides I only
have six wine glasses.

So it will be me and
Jan and Pam and Jim.

And Angela and Andy.

(Andy shouts)

- Michael, it is really
hard when you mess with

the schedule like that. I
had tickets to see Tom Petty.

- Hmm. Well I'm sure
the Heartbreakers
will be heartbroken.

No one even heard me.

- Does it bother me
that I wasn't invited

to Michael's dinner party?

(Dwight breathing heavily)

(Dwight cries)

(upbeat rock music)

- We can turn back.
It's not too late.

We eat and we're out.

We have to wake
up early tomorrow.

Yes, because it is Saturday.

[Jan] Hi!

[Michael] Hello!

[Jan] How are you?

[Michael] Come on in.

Good to see you.

[Jan] Chilly, huh?

I'm so glad we finally got
to do this with you guys.

This is great.

- You want to, you want
to take their coats, babe?

Yes, I would.

Okay.

Alright, thank you.

So, what have you been doing?

- Let's see, since I
saw you an hour ago?

Yeah.

- I have been getting ready
and then driving over here so-

- Well, we've been doing
pretty much the same thing.

Really?

Except driving.

(Group laughs) -
We got you this.

- Oh Pam, thank you!
- Oh, Pinot. Thanks.

- This will be
great to cook with.

Really?

- Well have a seat or come
on in or I don't know,

make yourself to home.
This is our casa.

[Pam] Really nice.

So what do you guys think?

Should we do the tour first?

Should we have appetizers first?

Tour. Let's do the tour first.

Okay.

- You have a preference,
babe? Upstairs first?

Totally your call, babe.

- Alright, well, let's go
then. Let's sneak upstairs.

Oh.

- Oh, you guys doing
a little construction?

- Oh, just redoing the
sliding glass door.

- Yeah. So sorry about
this God-awful carpet.

We are still a work
in progress here.

- Well, that's-

- [Pam] Do you like
living in Scranton, Jan?

- Well, you know, it's,
it's an adjustment.

It's certainly not
the Upper West Side.

- You really haven't
given it a chance, though.

She's never been to
the Anthracite Museum.

She hasn't had a hot dog
at the new hot dog place.

- Oh well, babe,
I'm pacing myself.

- [Michael] So-

[Jan] (laughs) Follow me.

- This is pictures of Jan
wearing different masks.

Call that Mask Wall.

Jan and I are like one
of the all-time great

romantic comedy couples.

Like "When Harry Met Sally".

I'm Harry and she is Sally.

Like "Annie Hall".

I am Woody Allen.

And she is Diane Keaton's
character in "Annie Hall".

This is my office.

Yep, never been used.

Not super exciting.

No.

This is my workspace.

- This is it. Check that
out. You smell that?

As you can smell, there's
a lot of different odors

going on in here.

- So you have an
office and a workspace?

- I do. You know, I
just, I cannot create

in the same space that
I conduct business.

I'm sure that you're the same
with your doodles. Smell.

It's fire.

- Uh-huh, Bond-fire.

- Bond-

- Men love this one, yeah.
- James Bond-fire.

I'm Bond-fire, James Bond-fire.

Michael Scott!

- When I get frustrated
or irritated or angry,

I come up here and I just
smell all my candles.

And it just, "Poof!" goes away.

Just like that.

[Jan] Just like that.

- It's been a rough
couple of weeks.

- Well. I just got
into a little trouble

with the neighbors.

- (laughs) A little
trouble. Yes.

Well, Jan fell asleep during
her neighborhood watch shift.

- Wow, you do
neighborhood watch?

[Michael] Yes.

- I did. And I had
a very late shift

and I had a little bit of
wine and I fell asleep.

- So she passed out and
some kids spray paint

a swear word on
the neighbors' dog

and the neighbors blamed Jan.

- Yeah. But you know,
it was my fault.

It's like, you know,

the dog shouldn't have been
outside in the first place.

Anyway. It's a tragedy, really,

because the paint is not going
to come off the dog until it

sheds, so-

- Mm-hm, yeah.

- These are going to
be party favors later.

Get them as you go out.

(Jim coughs)

When we're done,

- Oh we'll have a
whole box of them.

Close that so we don't
have to smell it.

- So this is the master
bedroom and these walls,

they used to be like
white, like an asylum.

So I wanted it to be softer.

So I had it painted
an eggshell white.

- Guess what? White and
eggshell white are exactly

the same color.

- (laughs) Exactly.
- Babe.

I thought you said you you
were going to tidy things up.

- Well, I-

Shame on you. (laughs)

What a cute bench.

- [Michael] Thanks.
That's my bed.

Jan has some space issues,
so I curl up on that puppy.

- Really? Because it
seems pretty narrow.

And short.

- It's actually a lot
bigger than it seems.

Look at this (grunts).

- See? He fits
perfectly. (laughs)

- I finally broke
down and bought myself

a plasma TV.

Check it out.

I actually hung this
on the wall myself.

That's good.

I want to show you something.

A lot of people in the
room, you need more space?

Voila. Right into the wall.

Wow.

- Sometimes I will just stand
here and watch television for

hours. I love it.

I love this TV.

Oh! And I also built this table.

What is that? Chestnut?

- No, I think that is either
pine or Nordic Cherry.

It's pine. Yeah.

- Michael, I'm just
terrible at all this stuff.

So it's really cool.

Really?

[Jim] Yeah.

- Yeah, he tried to
set up my TiVo for me,

but then I didn't
have audio for a week.

(Jane laughs)

If you ever need any help,

I am just a phone call away.

I bet you are.

- Well, I saw-

Oh! Your Dundies.

I'm surprised they're not
out on the coffee table

for everybody to see.

- Well, it was between
the neon beer sign

and the Dundies. So I said,
"Honey, keep the trophies."

- Oh. Honey, I have the
best trophy right here.

Aww.

Aside from my Dundies.

[Jan] Oh. (laughs)

(doorbell rings)

- Uh-oh.
- I'll get it.

- Oh, excuse us
for just a second.

- So glad we were
finally able to do this.

So glad.

No. No.

- We- okay.

Tuna! What's up tuna?

We going to have some
tuna for dinner? (laughs)

I bet you're sick
of tuna. Right?

Probably have tuna every night.

Alright.

Tuna.

These are for you.

Oh, how thoughtful.

Very nice.

- Except for one flower,
which is for my flower.

[Jan] Aww.

- What am I supposed
to do with this?

(Jan laughs)

- [Michael] Oh,
let me take this.

- Well, how about
we do the short tour

and then I'll start dinner?

- Oh, I can help starting
dinner if you need it.

Oh no, no, no.

Just the osso buco needs to
braise for about three hours.

Everything else is done.

- Three hours from
now or three hours

from earlier, like four o'clock?

- You know, Pam, in
Spain, they often don't

even start eating
until midnight.

When in Rome.

- [Jan] You have a
preference? Upstairs first?

- [Michael] Whatever
you say, babe.

[Jan] follow me.

Food!

Okay, trivia!

Does anyone know
what that means?

- I believe it
means mouth pleaser.

Oh.

- It's French. I
studied some French

during my semester at
sea or shall I say,

a semester at la mer,
which is French for sea.

- Andy, was that coordinated
by the Cornell Study Abroad

Office?

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- The reason I ask is
that Andy went to Cornell.

(toilet flushes)

Did you wash your hands, babe?

Yes. I did. For you, princess.

Even though I only
went number one.

(Jan laughs)

I didn't really wash my hands.

Oh, what have we here?

This looks delicious.

Not with your hands.

- They need to be
presented royally. Anyone?

Good stuff.

Alright. How about we
just drink some wine?

God. Okay.

How about a toast?

Here's to good friends.

[Group] Cheers.

- Mm. Ah, now that
is reminiscent.

Of what?

Old grapes.

Got a sort of an
oaky afterbirth.

What was that?

So, music?

- Should we turn some music?
- Uh,

- that sounds good.
- Okay.

Do you guys remember my
old assistant, Hunter?

He is an excellent songwriter.
Wait until you hear this.

Okay, here we go.

* You took me by the hand *

* Made me a man *

* That one night, one night *

* You made everything
all right *

(Andy singing)

* So rock the ride
all night alright *

* Oh yeah, oh yeah *

* So rock the ride
all night all right *

* Oh yeah *

- You know what? Hunter
was a terrible assistant.

That is why Ryan fired him.

- Well, I think he's probably
just about as reliable

as Pam being that
it usually takes you

an afternoon to get back to me.

Yeah.

- Sometimes I think
she holds onto faxes.

- I don't care what
they say about me.

I just want to eat.

Which I realize is a lot to
ask for, at a dinner party.

Oh my God. I thought I
was going to pass out.

We should probably get back.

- Uh-uh, I'm just going
to stay here for a while.

Say I got lost.

Are you eating?

It was just a little.

I didn't have anything, Jan.

- Really, Pam? This
is a dinner party.

I'm sorry. She scares me.

Cow!

- No, it's a hump.
There's a hump.

Joe Camel! Joe Camel!

Yes!

- Okay, yes!
- No, no, no!

First name of that animal.

And the second name is the state

where Helena is the capital.

Montana.

[Jan] Oh!

Joe Montana?

Yes!

(Group claps and cheers)

Time, time, time.

Two pieces.

- Why didn't you just
say 49ers Quarterback?

Alright, my, my, my, my turn.

(clapping)

My, my, my, my turn.

My, my, my, my turn.

- Babe, can you
just like really-

Whoa.
(Michael laughs)

You're just like really-

- hyped up.
- What? What?

Can you just simmer
down? Seriously.

- No, I'm just
making people laugh.

[Jan] No.

- Yes. I was
watching Jim's face-

- [Jan] I was watching Jim and-

and he was laughing.

No smile.

Look at him. He's laughing.

- Michael and Jan
seem to be playing

their own separate
game and it's called,

"Let's see how uncomfortable
we can make our guests."

And they're both winning.

So I am going to
make a run for it.

You'll never guess, I just got
a message from my landlord.

Apparently my apartment flooded.
Something with a sprinkler.

[Jan] Oh no!

- Pam. We should probably
get going and see the damage.

Oh. Okay.

- You don't need two
of you to do that.

That's true.

Dinner sounded delicious.

Pam, I'll see you at home.

Thank you so much.
It was a great night.

- Oh, Jim. I don't
think you're going

to abandon this party
here all by itself.

- I don't know because
everything I own is there.

- You can buy new stuff, but
you can't buy a new party.

- That's true. That
is a great point.

Come on down here.

Sit down on that couch
and be amongst friends.

And we're not going to
think about all your stuff

being destroyed, alright?

[Andy] Michael, you're up!

[Michael] Alright, here we go.

This is going to be fun. Ready?

[Andy] Go!

Alright. First name is Tom.

No, no, no!

- And he goes on a-

No names! No names. No
rhyming. No sound-alikes.

- You actually
have to give clues.

- Alright, alright. Okay!
You're getting into my head!

First name is blank and
he goes on a cruise.

- He goes on a Caribbean cruise.
- I don't know.

Katie Holmes.

No! (yells)

But he's married to her.

Oh, Dawson's Creek.

= No! No. It has to
be a real person, Jim.

Come on!

I'm gonna pass. I'm gonna pass.

Oh, okay!

Rhymes with Parnold
Schparzenegger.

No rhyming!

Not really a rhyme.

Another clue, another clue!

- Okay. He's the
governor of California.

He is the Terminator.

Those aren't helpful.

Tom Cruise!

No!

Time!

Does anybody read the paper?

Oh.

- Michael's dinner party
is for couples only,

which is why I wasn't
initially invited.

But that was then.

I very recently
entered into a serious

monogamous relationship, if
that idiot ever gets here.

(jazz music playing)

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

- I'm so, so sorry for
the temperature in here.

The sliding glass
door shattered so-

It's okay.

- It's actually a
really cute story.

Do you want to tell it,
babe? Or should I tell it?

I don't like that story, babe.

Come on. It's a cute story.

Michael ran through
the sliding glass door

because he thought he heard
the ice cream truck (laughs).

- Stop! Stop it. I
mean, I like ice cream.

Okay? Sue me. Oh, nope. Don't.

I shouldn't say that jokingly
because she will sue me.

She loves to sue.
She loves lawsuits.

You know, honey,

that door was extremely clean
and it looked invisible.

- You are so right.
You are so right.

Because before I lived here,

the glass was always
covered in smudges.

And then I moved in
and I cleaned it.

So I guess that
makes me the devil.

Oh, (laughs) you are!

(Jan laughs)

She is! She is the devil!

I'm in hell. I'm
burning, help me.

You shouldn't joke about that.

- Is there more wine
than the kitchen?

I will get it. I will get it.

What kind of hostess
would I be if I didn't-

- That's okay. I don't mind.
- No, no, no.

In fact, you know
what? Girls' trip.

Angela, come on. Girls' trip.

Not even close.

So you keep a very tidy house.

- You should see our bathroom
after Michael takes a bath.

(laughs) But I don't
have to tell you, Pam.

Yeah.

W- what?

- Oh, well don't tell me
that he's really changed

since you guys dated.

Oh, are you joking?

- Michael told me a
little bit about it,

but I see the way
you look at him.

I have never, ever
dated or wanted to do

anything resembling
dating Michael.

Ever. Not ever, not now. Not
then, not now. Not ever, ever.

- I've noticed how you
look at him at the office.

- [Jan] Mm-hmm.

So this girl that I
basically grew up with

becomes Miss West
Virginia, and then suddenly

all the boys start
paying attention to me.

And it was funny because I
never even considered myself

beautiful until people
started pointing it out to me.

They go, "Jan, wow, you
are so much more beautiful

than Miss West
Virginia". (laughs)

Oh, so that is why I...

Wait, Pam, what was your,
what was your question?

Where did you grow up?

- So I spend most of
my time right here.

Wow. It is so cold.

- Yeah. Yes. Summers
are sweltering.

So kind of cancel
each other out.

Have a hand.

So, Jim, I noticed you
checking out Jan's candles.

- Oh no. She just put
it in front of my face.

- Yeah. Did you know that
candles are the number one

fastest growing product
in the scent aroma market?

$2 billion a year industry.

And for only $10,000,
you could become

a co-owner of Serenity by Jan.

What do you think about that?

Thought about it. I'm in.

- I'm sorry. Are you really
trying to get us to invest

in Jan's company?

I'm sorry.

(doorbell rings)

What now?

[Jan] Coming!

Hello.

[Jan] What are you doing here?

- We came here to eat
dinner and to party.

This is a dinner party, right?

Awesome!

What is he doing here?

Yes. What are you doing here?

Dwight is my friend.

We weren't invited?

- You said that I could not
invite Dwight because he was not

part of a couple.

And because we didn't
have enough wine glasses.

Dwight brought
glasses and a person.

- Fine. Whatever you
want. Just like always.

Whatever you want.

- Whatever I want? It's
never whatever I want.

It's fine.

When I wanted to see "STOMP"
and you wanted to see "Wicked",

what did we see?

- We saw W-

- When I said that I
wanted to have kids.

And you said that you wanted
me to have a vasectomy,

what did I do?

And then when you said that
you might want to have kids and

I wasn't so sure, who had
the vasectomy reversed?

And then when you said
you definitely didn't want

to have kids, who
had it reversed back?

Snip snap, snip snap, snip snap.

I did!

Okay.

- You have no idea
the physical toll

that three vasectomies
have on a person.

And I bought this condo
to fill with children!

Okay, I am so sorry
that I don't want

to bring kids into this
screwed up world. Okay?

I'm sorry, too.

But look, if you want to have
kids, then fine! You win!

Let's have a (beep) kid!

- Do you mean it? You
want to have a kid?

I hate my life.

- So, can we come
in? We brought beets.

Come on in.

- Can I use your bathroom?
Move it, move it.

Great turkey leg.

- Mm-hmm.

- Michael, you should
go say something.

(Jan cries)

Babe. Hey, no, no, no.

Don't be sad. Don't be sad.

Look, I care about
you. And I support you.

And you are smart and beautiful.

And you have beautiful bosoms.

And you can't even tell they're
fake unless you're naked.

And I believe that with my
support and your constant calls

to Dr. Perry on my phone plan,

which a little bit of a strain,

because I only have
20 anytime minutes.

Well, every minute
after that is 75 cents.

- You should look
at some other plans.

Okay. Thanks, weirdo.
But you know what?

I'm month-to-month because
I don't want a two-year

commitment.

What were you saying to Jan?

- Honey, nobody in
the complex likes you.

But you have made
this place look great.

It's like a museum.

You can't touch anything,

which is a really
strange way to feel

at the place that you live.

You have made this home a house.

- Okay, I'm just going
to check on dinner.

That was good, yeah.

- Angela, would you like
some of my beet salad?

I hate beet salad.

It's actually really good.

Hey, hey, hey!

I know you love beet salad.

I've seen you eat it many times.

The thought of popping one
of your beets into my mouth

makes me want to vomit.

- I hope she didn't do
anything to the food.

Like, like what?

I can't prove it,

but I think she might
be trying to poison me.

Hey, it looks great, babe.

[Jim] Yeah, it really does.

- I know Jan didn't poison
the food. I know that.

But if she was going to
poison the food of someone

at that table, wouldn't it be
me, Michael's former lover?

- Can you not do
that? It's disgusting.

- You know I have soft teeth.
How could you say that?

Oops.

Excuse me for a second.

- So how do you guys
know each other?

I was his babysitter.

And now you guys are dating?

- It's purely carnal and
That's all you need to know.

- Would you write down your
email because I have just

so many questions.

Email?

Never mind.

It was me!

What's that?

I spray painted that dog.

It was sleek and shiny and
perfect little haircut.

It was parading around
like it was God's gift

to this God-forsaken
town (laughs).

I just couldn't take it anymore.

So I went over there
and I held down my knee,

and I just spray-painted
until I was good and done.

It bit me on the arm.
I didn't even feel it.

Okay.

Alright. Here we go.

Okay.

[Jim] That's nice.

- [Michael] Everybody
enjoying their meal?

Hey, babe.

[Michael] Yeah.

- How about we take
the beer sign down

until our guests leave and
then we can discuss it?

No, no. I'm gonna leave it up.

I think it ties the
whole room together.

Okay.

* Took me by the hand *

- Jan thinks Hunter's
very talented.

* Made me a man *

- You know what? I don't
think he's that good.

At least he's an artist.

B.F.D. I'm a screenwriter!

- And I'm a candle-maker,
but you don't hear me

bragging about it!

No, all you do is you get me

to try to work on
my rich friends-

For an investment opportunity!

- Man, I would love
to burn your candles!

You burn it, you buy it!

- Oh good! I'll be
your first customer!

You're hardly my first.

That's what she said!

(glass breaks)

- That was a $200 plasma
screen TV that you just killed!

Good luck paying me back
on your $0 a year salary

plus benefits, Babe!

(door slams)

I'm going to get going.

Fine. Get out of here.

It's getting late.

(Group speaking)

You know what, you guys,

she'll be out on
the bathroom soon.

- I noticed you're
wearing open-toed shoes.

Since when did you
become a whore?

- There might be a lot of
things about me that shock you.

Now, if you excuse me, I
have to get back to my date.

Do you need some help?

Have you seen my cooler?

No.

(Pam knocking)

Thanks for everything, Jan.

- Yeah. I want a
rematch in "Celebrity".

- I want that recipe. That
was some awesome buco.

It was a little too flavorful.

(police radio talking)

Of course.

- [Dwight] Get out of my
way. I'll take care of this.

What seems to be the
problem, Officers?

Not now, Dwight.

We got a call about
a disturbance.

- Nope. Nope. Nothing
disturbing here.

Just a couple of friends
having an awesome dinner party.

- A neighbor said they
heard some shouting.

Oh yes, there was screaming.

But my girlfriend threw
a Dundie at my TV.

Plasma.

Do you want to press charges?

Would she get into trouble?

Yeah, she'd be charged.

- I will take the
fall. I did it.

- You know, you don't
have to press charges.

You can just try
to be more quiet.

Michael!

Yes. Oh.

- Wait, what are
you doing to him?

Is this about that
stupid, ugly mutt?

[Neighbor] She's a Weimaraner!

- Please. Please.
Don't hurt him. Okay?

- Sir, do you have any
other place you could stay?

Maybe with one of
your friends here.

Michael can come home with me.

Jim, Pam?

My apartments on fire.

- Flooded.
- Flooded.

- You people. Come on,
you're sleeping with me.

No

- I'm going to take
you home, Michael.

- Nope.
- Come on. Alright.

Bye, Babe! Bye, everybody!

I hope we can do this
again sometime soon.

And Jim, I hope your
apartment's okay.

[Jim] Okay, thanks.

- Hey, do you want
to cream it up?

Hit the stone? Stone
it up? Creamage?

What?

- Do you want to go to
the Cold Stone Creamery?

Oh, I don't know.

You have to understand.

I hated you so deeply for so
long that it's difficult for me

to find you
tolerable, which I do.

- [Michael] Could
we just go, please?

(tires squeal)

- [Pam] This is the best
burger I've ever had, Babe.

- Babe, I should have told
you, but I did something bad.

I stole this.

(Pam laughs)

For you, babe.

* You took me by the hand *

* Made me a man *

* That one night *

(Pam singing)

I love that.

* That one night *

* You made everything
all right *

* So rock the ride
all night, all right *

* Oh yeah *

* Oh yeah *

* So rock the ride all night *

* Alright, oh yeah *

(folksy music playing)

* That one night, one night *

* You made everything
all right *

* That one night, one night *

* You made everything
all right *

Jim, Pam, Ryan, the mayor,
Barack Obama, Shiloh Jolie Pitt,

because at the end of the night,

Brad or Angelina would have
to come and pick him up.

And I would get to meet them.

Shia LaBeouf because
of "Disturbia",

all of the children of
the world, Val Kilmer.

But he probably wouldn't
come. Too famous.

Obviously George Clooney.

And Jan. Definitely.
If there was room.

- I'll tell you about
my ideal dinner party.

John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey
Oswald, Osama bin Laden,

John Wayne Gacy and
Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer.

Oh, Hey guys.
Welcome to my home.

Oh, here comes the
waiter with the soup.

Hope you guys are hungry.

Meanwhile, the waiter
subtly nods at me,

but I don't acknowledge him,

but I know he's an assassin
because I trained him.

Boom, two minutes later,
five dead psychopaths

at my dining room table.

All that's left to do is dispose
of the bodies and collect

the reward.

It's almost too easy.

(upbeat rock music)

(horn blows)