All language subtitles for The.Office.US.S04E12.EXTENDED.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

- Mm-hmm.

And again.

I'll call back.

You never call back.

- Every time Michael's in a
meeting,

he makes me come in and
give him a Post-It note

telling him who's on the phone.

I did it once, and he freaked
out. He loved it so much.

The thing is he doesn't
get that many calls.

So he has me make them
up every 10 minutes.

- Yeah, um, tell him I'll call
him back.

(Jan laughs)

- Oh, you can't always
work 200 days, though.

[Pam] Sorry.

- Oh, no, no, no, I
don't have time for this.

Tell him I'm in a meeting.

- So you have to know how to
work this.

There's no excuse for this.

[Michael] Yep.

- I can get you a tutor if you
need.

- Oh. Ah, this is a very
important client.

But, I have the most
important client sitting right

in front of me, my boss,
so I will call him later.

Oh, no, no, no.

Customer service is
obviously priority one.

You can take the call.
(Michael stammers)

- No, money isn't everything,
Ryan.

And you're my friend, and
I don't wanna be rude.

Take the call, friend.

[Michael] I refuse. No.

- My house, my rules, I insist.
- Go take your call.

I insist you take your work
calls.

Uh, okay, all right.

Pam, would you put the call
through?

(Michael sighs)

Hi, buddy.

(upbeat theme music)

[Jan] I don't know, I just,

ugh, I never felt
welcomed there, you know?

- That's-

[Jan] Such a boy's club.

- Yeah, I hate that.
- Good.

So, here's the deal.

Um, I am on my way to New
York to be deposed as part

of Jan's wrongful termination
lawsuit.

The company fired her
for having the courage

to augment her boobs.

- And they displayed a
pattern of disrespect.

- And?
- And inappropriate behavior.

Yes, yes.

Pat-tern. Patt-ern.

My friend Pat took a turn.
That's how I remember that.

Could we pull over and put down
the top?

My-

[Jan] Oh, no.

- [Michael] I'm feeling a little
queasy.

[Jan] I want it up. My hair.

- [Michael] Well-

- Remember, it's not just a
pattern,

it's a pattern of disrespect.

- Mm-hmm.

And inappropriate behaviors.

Disray.

My friend Disray got
news specs. Disray spect.

My friend Inappro drives a
Prius with his behind neighbor.

[Jan] Does this work for you?

- Yep. Tell them how much
you're gonna get if you win.

- Uh, come on, Michael, that's
tacky.

Million dollars!

Four million.

Four million dollars!

Man, that is a lot of
guacamole. A lot of the green.

Lot of green.

That is why I have
memorized Jan's answers.

Oh.

- And I've also thrown
in some errs, and ahs.

- No, Michael.
- Just to make it seem

like it's not memorized.

- [Jan] Oh, come on.
- Perfect crime.

- [Jan] Stop saying ridiculous
things.

He's just gonna tell the truth,

the truth is very, you know,
complicated,

so we went over it carefully,

and just so we wouldn't leave
anything up

to chance or Michael's judgment.

- Could we please pull
over and pull down the top?

- I do not feel good.
- Michael, I told you,

- I am not putting the top down.
- I'm getting car sick!

Ugh, I'm gonna puke.

[Jan] Oh.

- I think I'm gonna throw up.
- All right, fine.

Just a second. Hold on.

(Michael groans)

(Michael sighs)

Hey, Schneider, real quick.

What do you call a butt load
of lawyers driving off a cliff?

- A good start. And I think it's
busload.

- Yeah, a bunch of rich
lawyers took the bus.

Where did you find this guy?

Hey, there he is.

[Ryan] Hey, Michael.

[Michael] Hey, hey, Jan.

I'm glad you're here.

I actually need to talk
to you for a second.

- Michael, it's probably best
if you don't talk to anyone

from the company.

- Oh, it's not about the
deposition.

It's strictly Scranton business.
Two seconds.

Yeah, okay.

- Could we talk off
the record? As friends?

- (Michael sighs)
- I would love that.

- Jan has put the company in
a very tough position here.

Now you've been with us for a
long time.

Over 10 years, right?

We just wanna be sure
that you won't do anything

to hurt us with your testimony.

Do you understand?

- Abso-really. Yeah.

I'll do anything for the
company.

Good. That is great to hear.

It is.

Game, son!

All right, let's run it back.

- The warehouse got a
ping-pong table last week.

Now Jim comes down and plays
with Darryl.

Sometimes I bring him juice.

My boyfriend is 12.

- What has two skinny chicken
legs and sucks at ping-pong?

Hi, Kelly.

Guess whose boyfriend it is?

I don't wanna guess.

- I'll give you a hint:
It's not my boyfriend.

I think it's a guy over here.

I don't talk trash, I talk
smack.

They're totally different.

Trash talk is hypothetical,
like:

Your mom is so fat, she
can eat the Internet.

But smack talk is
happening like right now.

Like: You're ugly and
I know it for a fact,

so I got the evidence right
there.

- Jim. Can I see you for a
second?

Sure.

Wow.

- Okay, it's not regulation
size, but it'll do.

You have to practice.

You have to get really
good and beat Darryl.

Oh, I can't beat Darryl.

Please?

Kelly's trash talking me
because Darryl is beating you.

- What, seriously? What is she
saying?

Your boyfriend is so weak,

he needs steroids just to watch
baseball.

Jim couldn't hit a ping-pong
ball

if it was the size of the moon.

Were Jim's parents first cousins

that were also bad at ping-pong?

I hope he's not that inaccurate
in bed,

otherwise your night
stand's gonna get pregnant.

It's really grating on me.

You can't just ignore it?

Just be mature about it?

Maybe.

Yeah, I guess I could.

Jim, I don't wanna be mature
about it!

- So you're asking me to defend
your honor against Kelly?

[Pam] Sorta, yes.

Bring me players.

Okay.

Thank you.

(clears throat)

So both my lover and my
company are very concerned

about what I have to say,

but I think I can strike
a balance between the two,

as long as there's no acrimony.

Jan's lawyer said the
trial would be very civil,

so I'm not worried.

However, just in case,
a little sales trick.

Feminine lady pads.

You stick these under your
armpits.

They're very absorbent.

Made for a woman, but
strong enough for a man.

- Yes, Michael is going to
be cross-examined today,

which will be very, very risky
for me.

Well, it's not an easy decision
to make,

but it's a deposition.

It's not gonna be in front of a
judge,

and it's four million dollars.

- [Michael] Oh, no, no.
- Okay.

Hi, everyone, I'm Diane Kelly.

I'm the company's chief legal
counsel.

Hi.

No, no, absolutely not.
What is he doing here?

Toby?

- Are you renewing your divorce
vows before my deposition?

- Michael, I'm your HR
rep. I'm on your side.

Never. I want him gone.

I don't talk until he leaves.

Michael, just relax, okay?

- You know, I think they're,
uh, ready for us now. So.

Okay. All right.

Actually, we're gonna do this

in the board room up on 26.

[Jan] Okay, Michael.

Okay.

Up or down?

Down.

Mr. Scott.

Do you swear to tell the
truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth?

Yessh.

- Mr. Scott, you're not
in any trouble here.

All you have to do is answer

the lawyer's questions
truthfully

to the best of your
recollection.

- Yes, I actually have some
experience.

I once had to testify a
traffic accident case.

- Then you're an old hand at
this.

Yes.

My testimony was actually very
important,

because the accident was my
fault.

It's not Meredith, that was
another time.

- Mr. Scott, can you
describe the circumstances

of Ms. Levinson's termination?

- Well, it was not just
termination.

It was a pattern of disrespect
and inappropriate behavior.

Oh.

Very good. Well put.

People underestimate Michael.

There are plenty of things that
he is well above average at.

Like ice skating. He is
a very good ice skater.

And I know this is gonna sound
weird, but scrambled eggs.

He makes the best scrambled
eggs.

I don't know how he does it.

I put sugar in 'em.

- Hey, Kevin. Jim needs to see
you.

About what?

- He needs help balancing
some travel receipts.

Are you sure he wants me?

Because I have Oscar
balance my travel receipts.

- Yeah, no, he asked for you
specifically.

He's in the conference room.

[Kevin] Oh, awesome!

- How long have you known the
plaintiff?

I haven't actually seen it.

But I have seen "The Firm",

and I am planning on
renting "The Pelican Brief."

- How long have you known
Ms. Levinson?

Six years and two months.

- And you were directly
under her the entire time?

That's what she said.

[Lester] Excuse me?

That's what she said.

- Ms. Levinson told you she
was your direct superior?

Hm? What?

Why would she say that?

- Can we just move on to another
question?

No, wait, I don't understand.

Who's on record on saying this?

With all due respect,

I'm in the middle of
a line of questioning.

Now Mr. Scott, what did
you say Ms. Levinson said

regarding your employment status

with respect to her corporate
position?

- Come again? That's what she
said?

- Okay.
- I don't know what

- you're talking about.
- If I may,

he was just telling a joke
before,

so can we move on

- to another question?
- Oh.

Are you sure?

Uh, yes.

- Okay. Can you go back to
where this digression began?

- Mr. Schneider: "And you were
directly

under her the entire time?"

Mr. Scott: "That's what she
said."

- Well, delivery is all wrong.
She's butchering it.

- Oh my God, Pam, remember this
morning,

how stupid Jim looked?

So gangly and weird,

like when Conan O'Brien danced
around his desk and stuff?

I'm not usually up that late.

Really?

'Cause your eyes look so
tired and figured you...

- I wouldn't be so cocky
if I were you, you know?

Jim's been practicing.

Darryl isn't.

Oh, maybe that's because
he's so good naturally.

Bye, Pam.

Pam and I feed off of each
other's energy.

I tease her, she teases
me. We have so much fun.

- She said that? Yeah,
we have a lot of fun.

- Ms. Levinson was an excellent
boss.

Professional, mean when she had
to be,

kind to a fault,

always dressed the way

that I'd like for a female boss
to dress,

basically every guy's fantasy
of what a boss should be.

Did Ms. Levinson ever say

why she thought she was being
fired?

- She thought it had to do with
the twins.

That's what I call them.

- Can you be more specific?
Who are the twins?

- Um, to be delicate, they
hang off my lady's chest.

They make milk.

- You don't need to go
any further. Her breasts?

[Michael] Yes.

- She thought it had something
to do with her recent

breast enhancement surgery?

Yes, and frankly,

the timing was nothing
short of predominant.

- What about your romantic
relationship with Ms. Levinson?

Could that have played a
part in her termination?

Well, if it did,

then the company is
breaking its own rules.

Interesting. How so?

- Because before we started
dating,

we disclosed our relationship
to HR.

And I have the proof right here.

(gasps)

Let's just call this exhibit A.

Please note that Mr. Scott

is holding defense document
number 109.

Yes, exhibit A, 109b.

(Andy grunts)

- Really, stretching for
ping-pong?

- Yeah, don't wanna
pull a hammie mid-match.

You want me to stretch you?

I was trainer for the men's
volleyball team junior

and senior years.

Rubbed out a lot of cramps.

- No, I'm good. Thank you,
though.

- I played a lot of Pong growing
up.

Spent a lot of time on cruise
ships.

I'm also a monster snorkeler.

Damn it, what are these paddles
made of?

Paddle, man.

I should play you in squash.

I'd crush you in squash.

- What about ping-pong?

- Okay, I'll crush you in this
too.

- Do it, serve.
- All right.

- Okay, you know what? This
table's not regulation.

Good eye, it's an oval.

You're measuring the table.

- Do you know anything about
physics?

Do you?

Just serve.

Let's go, damn it!

(sighs)

These balls are weighted
weird, aren't they?

- Yep.
- Yeah, get another one.

Now wait a minute.

You're not gonna punch a wall,
or me,

or anything like that if you
don't win the point, right?

I don't know.

No, okay?

Just serve.

- Hello, everyone. I'm just
gonna sit in for a bit.

[Man] Okay, let's resume.

Before we continue,

I would like to make an opening
statement.

An opening statement.

- [Michael] Mm-hmm.

Okay, just be brief.

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen of the
table,

I would just like to say what a
joy it is

for me to be here today,

but frankly, at my age,
it's a joy to be anywhere.

I'm only 44, so I'm not old,

and I guess that doesn't really
play,

but the point is, I have a sense
of humor,

and I implore you all to have
a sense of humor as well.

It's cathartic to just have
a good laugh at ourselves

and each other.

I mean, look at those glasses.

I look around the room,

and I see some wonderful,
friendly faces.

Thank you all for coming.

Why don't we all take a big,
deep breath?

(Michael inhales sharply)

Come on, breathe in through your
nose.

(Michael inhales sharply)

Yawning is good.

That's good. Let's
release all the tension.

Feel better?

Thank you.

Thank you for...

Let's continue.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

- Okay, the company has just
a few clarifying questions,

Mr. Scott, if that's okay with
you?

I will allow it.

- Would you mind please
just taking a quick look

at this photograph please?

Uh.

- [Diane] That is you and
Ms. Levinson in Jamaica,

is that correct?

- [Michael] Uh-huh.

- And that photograph was taken
more than two months prior

to the start of your
relationship.

Does that sound right?

Mr. Scott, the timeline here
is actually very important.

Please, when did your
relationship actually begin?

(sighs)

- Well, depends on how you
define begin.

I mean, if it was from the
first time we shook hands,

that's like six years ago.

If it's from the first time we
kissed,

that's like two years ago.

Wait, excuse me?

- If it was from the first
time we kissed sober,

it was like four months after
that.

- [Lester] Could we take a short
break?

No, are you telling me

that your relationship began two
years ago

and not in February as you
previously testified to here?

Line.

I'm sorry, what?

- He asked for a line, like in a
play.

- Answer the question please,
sir.

Did your relationship begin two
years ago?

- I'd like to take another
run at this, actually.

May I have a mulligan?

A mulligan.

That would mean that
you've perjured yourself.

I plead the first, actually.

- You'd like to plead
the right to free speech?

May I request recess?

- Mr. Scott, remember
when I said you weren't

in any trouble here?

Now you're in trouble.

Could I take a quick break?

[Diane] Hm.

- I need to change the
panty liners in my armpits.

I'm sorry, I didn't get that.

"Can I take a quick break?

I need to change the panty
liners in my armpits."

- Well, I should have gotten
maxis.

(sighs)

- What the hell were you
thinking?

- I was just so happy to be
there.

I sent the picture to a few
buddies to prove that we

- were having sex.
- Oh.

- That's all.
(Jan sighs)

- You don't-
- Michael.

- Remember this, but there was a
time

when you were considered out of
my league.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

- Okay.
- Into my arms.

Okay, it's fine, all right?

It's fine.

Just go back in there and
stay composed, all right?

- Like we rehearsed.
- Yeah.

Calm and confident.

[Michael] Okay.

Okay.

You can do it. I know you can.

- So where'd you learn how to
play?

Cambodia, you?

My friend's basement.

All right, ready to start?

Let's do this thing.

(sighs)

What are you doing?

We're not playing strip pong?

Okay.

"Mr. Scott, do you realize

you just contradicted yourself?"

"I did?" "Yes you did."

"Can I go to the bathroom?"
"No."

"I really have to, I've been
drinking lots of water."

"You went five minutes ago."

"That wasn't to go to the
bathroom,

that was to get out of a
question."

"You still have to answer it."

"First can I go to the
bathroom?" "No."

Good game, Meredith.

Don't patronize me.

- All right! What is going on
here?

Dwight! Thank God you're here.

As it turns out,

one of our biggest clients
is a ping-pong master,

and I have to play him tomorrow,
or we lose the account.

Can you help me out? Will
you help me practice?

- What the hell?
- I told you.

All of my heroes are table
tennis players.

Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner,
Wang Tao,

Jorg Rosskopf, and, of
course, Ashraf Helmi.

I even have a life-size poster
of Hugo Hoyama on my wall.

And the first time I left
Pennsylvania was

to go the Hall of Fame induction
ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.

Well, that was ugly.

Yes, it was, Jim.

You're gonna lose this
account. What a mess.

Jan and I had an on again,

off again relationship for two
years.

And I know this destroys
her case, and I am sorry,

but I throw myself at the
mercy of the deposition.

- Thank you, Mr. Scott.
That's all we needed to know.

- Wait, we'd like to
enter to the record a page

from Michael Scott's personal
journal.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What
are you doing with my diary?

This is plaintiff's

- exhibit 107.
- No, hold-

- I quote from an entry dated
January 4 of this past year.

"Just got back from Jamaica.
Tan almost everywhere.

Jan almost everywhere. Hehe.

Oh diary, what a week.
I had sex with my boss.

I don't know if it's going to go
anywhere.

Jan was very specific that
this is not going anywhere,

that it was a one-time mistake.

But we had sex six times, so you
tell me.

I am definitely feeling very
eerie."

Irie.

Irie, sorry.

"More tomorrow. xoxo, Michael."

It would appear

that neither you nor
Ms. Levinson considered

you had a relationship
in any sense of the word.

Is that correct?

- We're gonna need to see a copy
of that entire journal

before we proceed.

- I don't think anyone in
this room has the right

to read my diary.

- It's basic discovery. We
have the right to review it.

- Okay, let's make 10
copies of this diary.

Um, could you make it 11?

11, sure.

And we'll break for lunch,
so everyone can have a look.

I totally see that.

Right there, first.

Yeah, yeah.

- What are you doing?
- I think that's the question.

It's a problem with a client.

I think, Jim-

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Jim, come on, we gotta
get in there and practice.

(Jim scoffs)

Okay?

I'm not kidding.

Wow.

- Now get good work done,
concentrate.

All right.

On your back hand.

- Boo-yah!

- I thought we were playing for
fun.

- No one paid me to say boo-yah.

Now pick up the ball.

But it's closer to you.

Now it isn't.

What are you guys doing?

We're at a meeting.

- Oh, yeah? How long is
this meeting gonna last?

- Oh.
- I have next meeting.

(people chatting)

(Michael sighs)

Can I sit here?

(Michael clears throat)

(Toby sighs)

You know, I know a little

about what you're going through
in a way.

When I was a kid, my parents got
divorced.

They both wanted custody,

and they both asked me to
testify

against the other one in court.

So, I don't know,

I didn't want them getting
divorced

in the first place, you know?

I loved them both so much.

- Mm-hmm.

- I just wanted-

(tray clatters)

- How could you give
up my diary like that?

- I had to, I'm sorry
but I need to win this.

We need to win this.

How'd you even find it?

- You keep it under my
side of the mattress.

- I don't like lump. I'm
really upset about this.

- Alright, I stole your diary
and gave it to my lawyer.

You emailed a topless photo of
me

to everyone in our company.

Let's call it even.

Fine. I love you.

I love you too.

- Well, how about a gross
at two dollars even?

Mm-hmm. Very good.

- Yes, I'm still holding for
her.

- Well, Zeke, if you, I'm sorry,
Ezekiel,

if you want the extra large
filing labels,

they are a little more
expensive, but.

- [Dwight] Mm-hmm. Released.

- Mr. Scott, who is
this other woman, Ryan?

Who you refer to her
as just as hot as Jan,

but in a different way.

- Not a woman, just a cool,
great looking,

best friend with benefits.

So Ryan is a man?

- Mm-hmm.

What exactly are the benefits?

We work at the same job,

and we see each other all the
time.

- Aren't we trying to
determine whether Michael

and Jan were engaged in a
romantic affair?

Not Michael and this Ryan
person.

(Toby laughs)

Excuse me.

- Alright, alright. This
is the way I see it.

Yes, I had sex with Jan,

and yes, I did consider
Jan to be my girlfriend.

However, Jan clearly didn't
consider me to be her boyfriend.

So her actions are completely
rightful.

And for the record, there
have been a lot of girls

that I've considered to be my
girlfriends,

who didn't feel the same way.

Paula Cole, for one.

I met her at a concert she gave,

and we talked for several
minutes.

Okay, Mr. Scott,

it's admirable the way you
defend a woman

who is so obviously ambivalent

about her relationship with you.

- Thank you very much. You
didn't have to say that.

- Considering she consistently
gave you

such poor performance reviews.

- That was before our
relationship.

She was going through a divorce,

and she was drinking a lot.

[Diane] Okay.

Of water.

She couldn't have alcohol

because of all the pills she was
taking.

Wellbutrin, Lunesta, Xanax.

If you have seen a
commercial for it on TV,

then my baby's got it in her
belly.

Mr. Scott, this is a copy

of a particularly negative
performance review.

Would you mind reading
the date on that please?

March 17th.

And that would be a month

after your relationship became
official, is that correct?

Yes.

- You may read the
highlighted portion out loud

if you'd like to.

- "I am out of carrots.
I am out of sticks.

Mr. Scott has time and
again proven himself

to be an unmanageable employee,
and a poor branch manager.

I recommend he be removed
from that position

and re-assigned to
sales where he belongs."

Mr. Scott, after hearing that,

wouldn't you say that Ms.
Levinson's judgment is,

at least, very seriously flawed?

Mr. Scott?

(people chatting)
(phones ringing)

- [Darryl] Just read Michael's
diary.

I don't wanna talk about it.

(Darryl laughs)

How's it going?

- Well, he has gone
from completely hopeless

to simply miserable.

- Check this out, though, spin
serve.

Well, it works like 80% of the
time, so.

- Nice. So, should I reschedule
the rematch with Darryl now?

I think I'm ready.

I'll make the call.

- Wait a minute, Darryl is the
client?

No, no, no. He works here,
dumbass.

Right.

Spin-serve!

How could you do that to me?

You can respond,

just remember it's all
going into the record.

- Michael, I am not the enemy,
okay?

Dunder Mifflin is the enemy.

- Dunder Mifflin has always
treated me

with the utmost respect, with
loyalty.

They were going to give me your
job,

and I should have taken it.

Alright, wait.

Before you go any further,

let me show you what kind
of loyalty they have, okay?

Lester, please read that
part of Wallace's deposition.

Starting at paragraph six.

Council: "Mr. Wallace,
regarding Michael Scott,

was he a contender to
replace Jan Levinson?"

David Wallace: "Yes."

- See? I was his number one
contender.

I was being groomed.

- Council: "Was he your first
choice?"

David Wallace: "Michael
Scott is a fine employee

who has been with the company
many years."

Council: "Was he in the
top five of contenders?"

David Wallace: "What
do you want me to say?

Come on, he's a nice guy.

There were many people that I
considered."

Council: "Was he being
seriously considered

for the corporate job?"

David Wallace: "No."

I have one more question, Mr.
Scott.

Wouldn't you agree with Ms.
Levinson

that the company exhibits a
pattern

of disrespect toward its
employees?

Absolutely not.

(scoffs)

Oh.

Yes! Way to go.

See that?

- Yeah, the floppy haired
girl you date won a point.

[Darryl] 19, serving 4.

Woo!

Nice, baby! Nice one!

* Hey, hey, you, you, I
don't like your boyfriend *

* 'Cause, 'cause, 'cause,
'cause *

* 'Cause he sucks at ping-pong *

- You know what? I'm sick of
this!

Let's go, you and me!

What?

Let's go. Pick up a paddle.

Okay. Bring it on.

I am.

Think you can handle this?

In my sleep.

- Okay, well, you better start
dreaming,

'cause that's the only
way you're gonna win,

is in your dreams.

Just serve it.

Volley for serve, P.

O.

P.

O.

- Do you wanna go play on the
table upstairs?

[Kelly] O.

Yes.

[Pam] P.

Michael.

I am very sorry.

- Oh, hey no biggie. Just-

- No, no, no, no, no. Hey, this
was rough.

We never meant for you to get
caught in the middle of this.

I'm very sorry.

Hey, David?

Yeah?

I think you're a nice guy too.

Thanks, Michael.

Why did I do it? I don't know.

Jan said that it was because of
the photo

that she revealed the diary.

But she already brought the
diary with her to New York, so,

you expect to get screwed by
your company,

but you never expect to get
screwed by your girlfriend.

What do you wanna do for dinner?

How about Chinese?

- Sure, trying to save some
money, get something cheap.

That was my cheap suggestion.

Chinese was my cheap suggestion.

Do you wanna do fast food?

Fine, fast food's fine.

(upbeat music)