All language subtitles for The.Office.US.S04E01.EXTENDED.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

- Okay... Well,
I did not get the job

in New York, but I
got the real prize.

Domestic bliss.

Jan made me breakfast
this morning.

Well, she bought the milk.

It's soy.

Very healthy.

I'm trying new things.

New tastes and after tastes,

this is why I do it.

That's what I have
to come home to.

(Jan snoring)

(sigh)

She probably won't be
up for a few hours.

This is going to be
a very good year.

Very good.

Jane is at home.

Jim is back.

My protege, Ryan, is
at corporate. Good stuff.

Andy and Dwight are
rocking the sales team.

I feel very blessed.

(tires screech)
(loud thump)

(upbeat theme music)

**

- Generally, it's not a good
idea to click on any Internet

offers that you
haven't requested.

What was the exact offer?

- It was for a video.
- Yeah.

What kind of video?

A celebrity sex tape.

Really?

- What kind of celebrity?
- It's not relevant.

- How much did you pay for it?
- Not relevant.

- You paid for it?
- It all happened so fast.

I broke up with Karen after

the job interview,
and it was a little awkward.

When she came back
from the city,

she told me very clearly
that just because we were

broken up didn't mean that she
was going anywhere,

because she had worked
really hard for a career.

But the next day,
her desk was empty.

And as for me and my
current romantic life,

I uh, I'm single now.

And looking.

So, if you know anybody.

- Jim and I went
to dinner a few times

when he got back
from New York.

I talked him through
his breakup.

It's really nice to be
good friends again.

Are you kidding me?

Pam and Jim are
totally hooking up.

All they do is smile.

They're just keeping
it a secret, right?

I don't know.

There is no evidence
of intimacy.

They've been
in remarkably good moods.

It could be other things.

Are you kidding me?

And Sunday,

I'm thinking of going to that
flea market at the drive in.

Oh, that sounds fun.

I'm mountain biking on Sunday
on Montage Mountain.

- Cool, well, have
fun with that.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I have some bad news.

Meredith was hit by a car.

(group chatter)

- It happened this morning
in the parking lot.

I took her to the hospital

and the doctors tried
to save her life.

They did the best
that they could,

and she is going to be okay.

What is wrong with you?

Why did you have
to phrase it like that?

- So, she's really
going to be fine?

- Yes.
She has a slight

pelvical fracture, but people
have survived far worse.

Thank God you were there.

Yeah.

- Did you see who did it?
- No need.

We can just check
the security tapes.

- Yeah, kind of good news,
bad news there.

I was able to be on the scene

so quickly because I was
in the car that hit her.

Who was driving?

Oh, Michael.

- One day,
Michael came in complaining

about a speed bump
on the highway.

I wonder who he ran over then.

You ran over Meredith this

- morning in the parking lot?
- And saved her life.

Yes, by taking her
to the hospital.

- They cut back the
Christmas gift, then,

no personal calls from work.

Now we get run over?

I did get 25 points, though,

for hitting Meredith, like in
that movie Death Race 2000.

(quietly) You get
points for hitting people.

We need to do any cleanup.

No.

- I've been playing this
game for a long time.

Let me tell you something,

Meredith ain't
worth no 25 points.

I am heartsick over it.

They look to me to lead them
toward a better future,

to fulfill and enrich
their lives.

And instead, I put one
of them in the hospital.

It's only Meredith.

Yeah, it's only Meredith.

Thank God.

But did you see the way they

looked at me? Like I was
a murderer or something.

Hey.

Why did you do it?

It was an accident.

Was she talking back?

- No.
- Did you get sick of that face?

Did she owe you money?
Uh-oh.

Is this downsizing?

Did she spurn your advances?

- What else?
- I don't know.

- You don't like redheads?
- What else?

She was late for work.

- How about I hit
her by accident?

Okay.

Well, if you ever hit me

with a car, you better kill me
because I will come after you.

- I bet that's what
they're thinking.

- And this year's,
Dundee for best vehicular

manslaughter goes to
Michael Scott.

- I have a little tribute
to today's events.

* Meredith got run
over by Michael's Seabring *

* walking through the
office parking lot *

* some might think the driver
was drunk and speeding, *

* but only if they don't
know Michael Scott *

* Meredith got run over
by Michael's Seabring *

Maybe she hit me.

You ever think of that?
She hit me?

I don't know
whose fault it was.

I wasn't exactly
looking at the road.

- * Meredith got run
over by a Michael *

*

Sorry.

We should all go visit.

- Yes, I guess we should.
- Why is that?

I barely know the woman.

She sits all the way over
there. I'd visit Phyllis.

- No, we should go visit
and get her a gift.

If everyone puts in $5,
we can get a nice bouquet.

- That's a good idea.
Good idea.

I will put in ten
because I make more.

- And you hit
her with your car.

Maybe you should put
in your whole damn salary.

- Michael only hit her
because she was late.

Show up on time.

And you've got
nothing to fear.

That is not true.

It was a horrible accident.

- She should sue you
for a million dollars.

- Okay.
A million dollars.

What was she going to do with
that pelvis? Cure cancer?

What is he doing here?

- The receptionist's porno
crashed some hard drives.

- It's okay, Pam,
we all do it.

- Hey, guys, we're all going
to visit Meredith at lunch

and we're kicking
in $5 for flowers.

Who's we?

- You and Jim?
- No.

Me and Stanley
and Phyllis so far,

Oh. I bet Jim goes too.

- Yeah, I haven't
asked him yet.

Oh, I bet you asked.

I was planning on it.

I bet you were.

- Are you coming?
- I can't.

Sprinkles is sick.

She's been sick for some time.
Thank you for asking.

No one asks about Sprinkles.

I have to give her her meds.
I have to pet her.

And who will she
eat lunch with?

- Can't your other cats
keep her company?

- There's bad blood,
jealousies, cliques.

Angela, you are the chairman

of the party
planning committee.

I shouldn't even be planning
this, It's your job.

All right.

Don't worry, Angela.

You can eat lunch alone
with Sprinkles tomorrow.

Sometimes I curse the fact

that I was gifted with the
ability to party plan.

I mean, why couldn't I be
a good for nothing fatso

like the rest
of this office?

Hello, Hunter, it's Michael.

Yes, Jan is fine. Awesome,
fantastic.

Thank you for asking.

Is the man in? So, Ryan got
promoted to corporate,

where he is a little
fish in a big pond.

Whereas back here in Scranton,

I am still top dog
in a fairly large pond.

So who is the real boss?

The dog or a fish?

My Lord, my Liege.

Yes, Michael.

- So. I need a little
treat for the gang.

Something to win their
affections back.

Back?

Why is that, Michael?

- Well, I ran down
Meredith in my car.

(Ryan groans)

Did you do this on purpose?

- No, I was being negligent,
but she's in the hospital.

She's fine, recovering nicely.

Tiny little crack
on her pelvis.

But she will be up and...

- Did this happened
on company property?

Yes, it was on company

property with company
property.

So double jeopardy.
We are fine.

- I don't think you understand
how jeopardy works.

- Oh, right. I'm sorry.
What is, we're fine?

- People keep calling
me a "wunderkind"?

I don't even know
what that means.

I know what it means.

It means very successful
for your age,

so, I guess it makes sense,
but it's a weird word.

Look, I'm not going to give

you a prize for running
over an employee.

- Well, how does it benefit me
for you to be in corporate

if you don't cut
me some slack?

- It's not going to benefit
you to have me in corporate.

- Well, then
cut me some slack.

I mean, come on, you rub
my back, I'll rub yours.

Goodbye, Michael.

See ya.

Made a sale.

I do not know what
they were thinking.

- Hey, D.
- Hey, monkey, what's up?

- Can you do
me a little favor?

Go to my place at lunch and
give Sprinkles her medicine?

- Sure.
- I have to visit the alky.

- Check to see
if she's faking.

If a car hit me,
it wouldn't crack my pelvis.

You know what?

I bet she cracked it at home.

Jumped in front of the car
to get some worker's comp.

I wouldn't put it past her.

- My girlfriend who you
have never met.

Your loss. Is the only person I
can ever imagine being with.

We go together like topsoil
and manure,

like a tractor and a dozer
blade, like mulch and manure.

So, what do you need me to do?

- I wrote it out.
There's a diabetes shot.

Roll the insulin in your hands.
Don't shake it.

She gets an ace
inhibitor with her meal.

If you have to put her right
in front of the dish or she

won't see it because
of the cataracts. Mix one

capsule of Omega fatty acid
in with her kidney medicine.

And you want to give

that to her 15 minutes
after she's eaten.

And, Oh, there's a
fungal cream because

she has this infection
under her tail.

So, you're going to have
to lift her tail and put

the cream right
at the base of her tail.

Hey, Toby.

Kelly, we're going to visit
Meredith at lunch.

Kelly?

Well, Kelly's been so upset

about Ryan dumping her that
she can't even talk.

- Okay, I have an announcement.
- You pushed Darryl out

- the window?
- No.

- You shot Dwight?
- No, no, that is not funny.

I love my employees,
even though I hit one of you

with my car, for which I
take full responsibility.

But did you ever
think of this?

Would a sober person
walk in front of a car?

- Hey, Oh.
- I'm sorry,

are you saying that Meredith
was drunk at 9 a.m.?

- Well...
- That's despicable Michael.

There's no proof of that.

- That seems early,
even for her.

- That's not what, no.
No, I'm not saying that.

- That's disgusting
- Drunk?

No, you can't get
drunk off Kahlua.

It's just a kind of coffee.

Then what are you saying?

I am saying

that maybe I was drunk.

Did you ever think of that?

No.

Okay, look, I'm just trying

to take everybody's mind off
of this unavoidable

tragedy and onto more
positive things.

So, I thought we
should plant a tree.

- Oh, good. Means
we don't have to work.

- Okay, we're leaving
for the hospital at one.

- So, like a freedom tree.
- I can take three people.

- I can also take three people.
- Separate cars.

- Pam.
- All right, we'll get a card

at the hospital and we'll
sign it outside her room.

- Pam.
- Sales people can go

later in the day. Hourly
workers can go at lunch.

Okay, good, good.

So, we'll just all go down
there together at lunch.

- Excellent.
- I was thinking that...

- Good work, Pam.
Yay, Pam.

All right, since I am the
boss, I will drive as well.

- Who wants shotgun?
- You can't be serious.

You ran a woman
over this morning.

- Everyone inside
the car was fine.

Stanley.
Guess what?

I have flaws.

What are they?
Oh, I don't know.

I sing in the shower.

Sometimes I spend too
much time volunteering.

Occasionally I'll hit
somebody with my car.

So sue me.

No, don't sue me.
That's the opposite

of the point that I
am trying to make.

Hey, Jim.

- Kev.
- Hey.

I've got a good friend.

Yeah, she's really cool.

- Mmmhmm.
- 26.

She has a great sense

of humor, loves mountain
biking and the theater.

- Great.
- Maybe you would like to date

her since you're
not seeing someone.

Sure.

- Well, then, how about
tomorrow night?

- Oh, I can't tomorrow night
because I have plans.

Why don't you just give me

a number and I'll
call her next week.

- What's her name?
- Yeah Kevin,

what's her name?

- Now I have to find a cool
girl who mountain bikes,

and she has to be 26
with a great sense of humor.

And she has to be my friend.

Shoot.

I hate hospitals.
In my mind

they are associated
with sickness

and dis-health.

She looks like an angel.

- She looks awful.
- No.

- Okay, she always
looks like that.

It was not my fault.

- They don't have this kind
of technology at the vets.

- It's not fair.
- It's fair.

- You know what?
Why don't we go around

the room and say one
memory of Meredith?

I'll start.
I liked her jumpers.

They reminded me
of kindergarten.

Jim.

- I'll always remember
Meredith's back.

That's all I can
see from my desk.

All that red hair over
a nice, strong back.

Sometimes I pretend it's

Carrot Top, and he's going to
turn around and tell a joke.

She was fun loving.

Okay, no.

I said, Jim.

I think she's awake.

No, she's in a coma.

No.

Okay.

Meredith.

Woo-oo-oo.

Brought all your
friends from the office, Dear.

- At the same time?
- Yeah.

- Hello, Meredith.
- This is weird.

Brought you some balloons.

Here you go.

Tie these up, cheer up your
tubes. Oh, shoot.

Oh, for god's sake.

- Nurse.
- No, don't bother

the nurse,
just put it back in.

I'm going to be sick.

I'm going to puke.

- (group chatter)
- What are you doing?

Just give me that.

Thanks.

(Kevin clapping)

Does it hurt terribly?

No, it's not too bad.

They have me on a lot
of painkillers.

- Oh, really?
What kind?

Codeine, Vicodin, Percocet
Fentanyl, OxyContin, Palidone?

I have no idea.

- So, how's the
view, old girl?

Oh, there's a cemetery.

You think that's affiliated
with the hospital?

Or is it like a separate...?

- Okay, okay, okay, you could
just close that.

It was really great of all

of you to come and visit
me at the same time.

I'll see you guys
at the office.

(group chatter)

- Okay. Wait up, wait up,
guys, guys, guys,

Hold on a second.

You know what I was thinking
might be sort of fun?

Is if you forgave me
in front of everybody.

- Michael, I'm not
going to do that.

- You know what they say in
the Bible about forgiveness?

Forgiveness
is next to Godliness.

- It's not, it's cleanliness.
- Just Shh.

You cracked my pelvis.

I didn't crack your pelvis.

My car cracked your pelvis.

- Okay, your car
cracked my pelvis.

- Look, I just...
- You're not forgiven.

Apart from hitting her

with my car, I have been
so kind to that woman.

I have treated her
like my grandmother.

Grancy, not Nana.

Meredith is no Nana.

Which one is Jim?

- Hi.
- Yeah, heartbreaker.

What are you in for?

Diabetes.

- So, have you read about
Iran and the newspaper?

No, please spoiler alerts.

I'm only up till last Monday,

so don't tell me anything
about Iran or Iraq.

I want to be surprised.

I don't understand what is
preventing you from laughing

this off and giving
me a big hug.

You are not forgiven.

- Come on.
- Michael.

[All] Michael!
Michael!

Meredith won't forgive me.

Who's being mean now?

I ran over her by accident,

and she is not forgiving
me on purpose.

Why can't you just forgive me?

Why are you having such a hard
time laughing this off?

How do you know that you

weren't born with some
sort of abnormal pelvis?

That it was just bound
to crack at some point.

Nurse!

- I'm going to go get
you a stuffed animal.

- Just need some
water, my pills.

There's nothing in here.

Do I need to be liked?

Absolutely not.

I like to be liked.

I enjoy being liked.

I have to be liked.

But it's not like this

compulsive need to be liked.

Like my need to be praised.

- Hey.
- Hey, monkey.

Any problems?

- Well, you left the TV
on and your cat is dead.

What?

- Sparkles,
the white one is dead.

Sprinkles.

- That was the
sick one, right?

- I thought she had more time.
- No.

Did she, look,

when you saw her,
how was she looking?

Really dead.

Like, just a dead cat.

(sobbing)

So, hey, come on.

Don't be sad, okay?
Just...

- She's in a better place.
- All right.

(sobbing)

- Actually, the
place that she's

in is the freezer
because of the odor.

(sobbing)

Okay, you know what,

everybody, let's just get over
the whole Meredith thing.

She cracked her pelvis.

A tiny little crack,
and she's going to be fine.

Michael, Angela's cat died

Sprinkles?

Oh, shoot.

I'm sorry.
Angela, man, what a day, huh?

How could it get any worse?

The computer crashes
with the porn and then

Meredith with the accident
and then Sprinkles, gosh.

That's three things.

These things happen in threes.

- Ryan dumped me.
- And Ryan dumped Kelly.

You know, that's four!
Damn it.

We're into a new cycle.

I'll tell you what's going on.

This office is cursed,

and we need to do
something about it.

Conference room?

- Maybe the conference room,
maybe the annex.

I'm saying at least
right here is cursed.

Conference room.
Ten minutes.

I am taking responsibility

and it is up to me to get rid

of the curse that hit
Meredith with my car.

I'm not superstitious,
but I am a little stitious.

it's relief to know
that it's not just me.

The whole office is cursed.

On the other hand,

I may have to deal
with the dark unknown.

Okay, let's just start
with the obvious.

Did anyone do anything

involving an Indian
burial ground?

Like what?

- Like park on it
or dig up a body?

Toby, do you have anything
you want to tell us?

- No, I did not violate
an Indian burial ground.

In fact, I had some
good luck recently.

Alfredo's Pizza picked
my business card out

of the basket, so I get
a week of free pies.

- That's cool.
- Yeah, perfect.

So, our tragedy is
your good luck.

Satan.

- Question, has anyone
recently offended a Gypsy?

- We have to have done
something wrong.

You ran over an employee.

That was the curse, Stanley,

and we are trying to find
the cause of the curse.

The Indians have this,
sorry.

Native Americans have this
thing called Karma,

which is a very important
aspect of the

TV show, I Am Earl.

Now, Toby winning
pizza is bad Karma.

In fact, Toby is bad Karma.

He has done some
terrible things.

And because of that,

he is divorced and he
doesn't see his kids.

- There's your
curse right there.

Toby has kids?

- Sprinkles
never hurt a soul.

God, in your infinite wisdom.

How can you do this?

She wasn't ready.

She had so much
left to accomplish.

It's only a cat.

You never,

you don't like them.

- Cats do not provide
milk or wool or meat.

- Dwight, you haven't seen
Meredith yet, have you?

- No, I have not.
- Well, I think you should go

to the hospital and
pay your respects.

I do not respect her.

But I will go.

All right.

I would now like to talk about

each of your individual
religious beliefs.

- Oh, Michael, you can't ask
about religious beliefs.

Satan is a master of lies.

Everything he says
is the opposite.

- All right, well, then you can
ask about religious beliefs.

- Thank you for the
permission, psych!

All right,
let's just go around the room

and tell me what
you believe in.

- Catholic.
- Okay.

Presbyterian.

- All right.
Me too, Same religion.

All right.

- I'm a Lutheran and
Bob is a Unitarian.

It keeps things spicy.

That's why we're cursed.

- I've been involved
in a number

of cults, both as
a leader and a follower.

You have more fun as

a follower, but you make
more money as a leader.

- Michael, I believe when two
people are right for each

other, that they should start
a physical relationship.

Apropos what?

Kelly, you are Hindu.

- So, you believe in Buddha?
- That's Buddhist.

- Are you sure?
- No.

- I think I know what
I'm talking about.

Buddha is fat and cool.

He's like God's fat
buddy who drives a car.

He's like God's
Chris Farley or God's

Horatio Sands.

And God is like
Cuba Gooding Jr.

I'm not saying God is black.
God, I think,

is a mixture of all
the colors of the spectrum.

- What are you?
- Well, if you're going

to reduce my identity to my
religion, then I'm Sikh.

But I also like
hip hop and NPR.

And I'm restoring a 1967
Corvette in my spare time.

- Okay, so one Sikh
and Oscar, are you Santoria?

I was raised Catholic,

but I'm agnostic now, so I
guess I'm a secular humanist.

Oh, great.

We have a secular
humanist here.

That is disgusting.

- Michael, do you know what
secular humanism is?

Yes, I do.

It is a philosophy that says
people can improve their lives

through reason as opposed
to religion or superstition.

Oh.

Stupid.

- As a farmer, I know that
when an animal is sick,

sometimes the right thing
to do is to put it out of its

misery. With the electricity
we're using to keep Meredith

alive, we could power
a small fan for two days.

You tell me what's
unethical.

Blink once, if you want me to
pull a plug.

- Don't pull any plugs.
- How are you doing, Ms. Palmer?

- Better.
- Excellent.

- Are you a doctor
or a male nurse?

- I'm an intern,
which makes me a doctor.

Her chart doesn't indicate

that she had a hysterectomy,
but she did.

Or at least she got
time off for one.

- Ah, so, that is where
her uterus went.

Miss Palmer, the last tetanus

shot was when you were bitten
by bat a few months ago?

- Yes, Dwight here trapped it
in a bag against my head.

Just doing my job.

- It also says you recently
bitten by a raccoon?

And a rat.

Separate occasions.

- You spend your whole life
trying to get people to like

you, and then you run over one
person with your car,

and it's not even one
of the popular ones

and everybody gets
on your case.

Doesn't make any sense.

God is dead.

- If there was a God in Ryan
and I would be married by now.

- Maybe believing
in God is a mistake.

What did people
believe in before?

The sun?

Maybe we should do that.

- Is this what you
guys do all day?

Yeah.

Maybe there's some sort

of animal that we can make
a sacrifice to, like

a giant Buffalo or
some sort of monster,

like something with
the body of a walrus,

with the head of a sea lion or

something with a
body of an egret

with the head of a Meerkat
or just

the head of a monkey with
the antlers of a reindeer,

with a body of

a porcupine.

- I will do some research.
- Okay.

I can help you with that.

So just to be safe,

they are giving her
the rabies vaccine.

Oh, God.

Rabies?

I was in the hospital
room with her.

How contagious is that?

- Is that like an STD or?
- No, no.

You've got to be
bitten by something.

This place is so cursed.

- Actually, the doctor said it
was lucky she came

into the hospital because
the only way to beat rabies is

to start treatment before
the symptoms set in, Lockjaw.

- I know a lot of you are very
upset with me for endangering

Meredith's life by hitting
her with my car.

But it may make you feel
a little bit better to know

that before that happened,
Dwight endangered her life

by putting a garbage bag over
her head that had a bat in it.

- Six of one.
Really.

- Turns out Meredith has been
exposed to rabies, which is,

like, ten times worse than a
little crack in your pelvis.

Thanks to me

she went to the hospital
and I saved her life.

Curse is broken.

Curse is broken, people.

Oh, there is a God, and he
has a plan for us after all.

So go home, get some rest.

Very, very good work today.

Got a lot accomplished.

Is there a God?

If not, what are all
these churches for?

And who is Jesus' dad?

(car alarm beeps)

- Oh well,
if they aren't together now,

then they probably
never will be.

I thought they'd
be good together.

Like PB and J.

Pam Beasley and Jim.

What a waste.

What a waste.

- I told you I'm not
dating anyone.

And even if I was, I don't
think it's anyone's business.

I mean, when I do fall
in love,

like when it's for real,
the last person I'm going

to talk about it to is a
camera crew or my coworkers.

Almost marrying Roy Anderson
was as close

to Pamela Anderson as
I ever want to be.

Trust me when I fall
in love, you'll know.

Man, I'd really like to hit
that.

I hope this isn't
what he meant.

- I run over Michael every day
in my mind.

Is Ryan my boss?

I don't know.
He is called the boss.

He has the power over
me that a boss has.

So no, we are equals.

Yes, Michael Scott.

Things might be different
for him this year.

He can no longer protect

himself by starting a sexual
relationship with his boss.

- I've had Sprinkles
for 16 years.

I adopted her when I graduated
from accounting school.

I knew the kind of life I
wanted.

One with a companionship
and unpredictable good times

only a cat offers.

- My cousin
Moses' best friend was a dog.

One day he was foaming

at the mouth, so I had
to shoot him dead.

Turns out he had only eaten
one of Moses cream pies.

Did I feel bad
for killing him?

No.

That's how you deal
with a thief.

Sprinkles lives with me.

Cares for me.
Listens to me.

Cheers me up, dries my tears.

Meredith steals my tape.

- Things we don't want
on Schrute farms?

Beet weasels, teenagers.

Regular weasels,
teenagers with rabies,

unprotected sex. Things we
do want on Schrute farms?

A new plow.

(upbeat music)