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1
00:00:02,213 --> 00:00:06,920
I'm not sick but I'm not well
2
00:00:06,970 --> 00:00:09,961
...And I'm so hot
3
00:00:10,009 --> 00:00:14,523
Cos I'm in he-ell...
4
00:00:20,244 --> 00:00:25,236
Another hard day, eh, Jez? Watching
kids' TV and eating kids' cereal?
5
00:00:25,282 --> 00:00:28,716
What should I be having?
Gentleman's relish with olives?
6
00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:31,716
Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes
are Frosties for wankers.
7
00:00:31,758 --> 00:00:35,715
Frosties are Corn Flakes for people
who can't face reality.
8
00:00:35,756 --> 00:00:37,712
Anything from Soph?
9
00:00:37,755 --> 00:00:41,144
She's been very busy,
far too busy for post.
10
00:00:41,194 --> 00:00:44,741
Don't think she'll actually be
coming down over the weekend.
11
00:00:44,792 --> 00:00:47,703
It's just there's this thing.
12
00:00:47,751 --> 00:00:49,388
Sounds important.
13
00:00:49,430 --> 00:00:51,738
What am I gonna do, Jez?
14
00:00:51,789 --> 00:00:55,018
- She's slipping through my fingers.
- Tell her you love her.
15
00:00:55,067 --> 00:01:00,422
That's like firing first in a duel.
If you miss, you're fucked.
16
00:01:00,464 --> 00:01:05,013
It puts you in the driving seat -
sometimes I tell them I love them
17
00:01:05,062 --> 00:01:08,576
on a first date, just to get things
off to a good start.
18
00:01:08,620 --> 00:01:10,814
Doesn't that devalue it a bit?
19
00:01:10,859 --> 00:01:12,577
No. Maybe.
20
00:01:12,619 --> 00:01:15,415
A bit. Who cares? It works.
21
00:01:15,457 --> 00:01:18,607
- Aren't you going to open your post?
- No, it's boring.
22
00:01:18,656 --> 00:01:21,771
"You may have won this."
Who cares?
23
00:01:21,814 --> 00:01:25,044
That one's On Her Majesty's Service,
for God's sake.
24
00:01:25,092 --> 00:01:29,845
Oh, sure, it's On Her Majesty's
Service, delivered by the Royal Mail.
25
00:01:29,890 --> 00:01:33,676
Probably an invitation to one of
Princess Anne's dogging parties.
26
00:01:33,728 --> 00:01:37,402
See? Now they want me to do
jury service.
27
00:01:37,446 --> 00:01:42,598
Jury service? I can't believe they'd
choose you! Must be a mistake.
28
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:45,157
Why shouldn't I do jury service?
29
00:01:45,203 --> 00:01:47,477
Because your... critical facult...
30
00:01:47,522 --> 00:01:52,115
I'm not being rude, but you're not
a very logical thinker.
31
00:01:52,159 --> 00:01:53,274
No, I wouldn't.
32
00:01:53,319 --> 00:01:56,832
You still don't understand what
happened in Ocean's Eleven, do you?
33
00:01:56,877 --> 00:01:58,195
It's a complicated film.
34
00:01:58,236 --> 00:01:59,464
It really isn't.
35
00:01:59,516 --> 00:02:04,746
I'd probably find jury service
simple. I'll just let them off.
36
00:02:04,793 --> 00:02:06,589
Don't try and upset me.
37
00:02:06,632 --> 00:02:11,101
Some black kid accused of stealing
a bun, and I'm gonna set him free.
38
00:02:11,150 --> 00:02:13,868
Wait till you hear the details!
39
00:02:13,909 --> 00:02:18,105
That's what they want you to do -
confuse you. I'll definitely acquit.
40
00:02:21,145 --> 00:02:26,217
I'm shaking up the department, and
I want you two to be my enforcers.
41
00:02:26,263 --> 00:02:29,412
My Cheech and Chong.
My Skinner and Baddiel.
42
00:02:29,461 --> 00:02:31,735
The iron fists inside my velvet glove.
43
00:02:31,780 --> 00:02:34,452
The spiky balls on the end of my stick.
44
00:02:34,499 --> 00:02:35,851
Nice, yes.
45
00:02:35,898 --> 00:02:39,571
Which one of you two
is balling Sophie right now?
46
00:02:39,616 --> 00:02:42,368
He is. Well, theoretically.
47
00:02:42,415 --> 00:02:45,405
She's not getting on all that well in Bristol.
48
00:02:45,453 --> 00:02:49,967
'lf everything goes wrong,
I'll be there to pick up the pieces.'
49
00:02:50,011 --> 00:02:51,490
She's been slacking off.
50
00:02:51,530 --> 00:02:55,760
Apparently, she called Colin Cooper
a dickhead.
51
00:02:55,808 --> 00:02:57,718
Well, he is a dickhead.
52
00:02:57,767 --> 00:03:01,441
Mark, maybe you could have a word?
53
00:03:01,486 --> 00:03:05,557
Get her to clean up her act?
Unofficial verbal warning. Cool?
54
00:03:05,604 --> 00:03:07,559
Oh, OK, sure.
55
00:03:08,402 --> 00:03:10,596
'Bollocks. Could be difficult.
56
00:03:10,641 --> 00:03:12,949
'Or tell her I love her,
57
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:18,072
'then before it gets too soppy,
hit her with a disciplinary matter.'
58
00:03:18,118 --> 00:03:22,950
Jez! So, first day in court,
tell me everything.
59
00:03:22,995 --> 00:03:27,145
I've taken a solemn oath.
I take it quite seriously.
60
00:03:27,193 --> 00:03:30,979
I could get a fried chicken bucket
from a properly franchised outlet,
61
00:03:31,031 --> 00:03:32,544
not the one
that gave you that fever.
62
00:03:32,591 --> 00:03:36,786
It's credit card fraud, a woman.
Four in Nescliffe, two in Cosford.
63
00:03:36,828 --> 00:03:38,580
Credit card fraud?!
64
00:03:38,628 --> 00:03:42,141
Nescliffe?! A woman?!
Oh, my God, this is incredible!
65
00:03:42,186 --> 00:03:45,540
Oh, sure, it sounds incredible
for the first three hours.
66
00:03:45,584 --> 00:03:48,097
God, it's boring.
"Are you guilty? Blah, blah, blah."
67
00:03:48,143 --> 00:03:50,417
It's a joke, she's obviously guilty.
68
00:03:50,462 --> 00:03:53,850
Why? Has she taken the stand?
What's her alibi?
69
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,174
She looks shifty.
70
00:03:56,219 --> 00:03:57,651
Shifty?
71
00:03:57,698 --> 00:04:03,089
Wouldn't look out of place with a can of
lager and a cheap fag in her mouth.
72
00:04:03,136 --> 00:04:06,763
- You were going to acquit.
- She's white.
73
00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:08,769
And another jury bloke thinks the same.
74
00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:11,167
No smoke without fire.
75
00:04:11,212 --> 00:04:15,885
Is that what 1,000 years of the
English judicial system comes to?
76
00:04:15,929 --> 00:04:17,885
No smoke without fire?!
77
00:04:17,929 --> 00:04:20,441
She's going down.
And if she didn't do it, so what?
78
00:04:20,487 --> 00:04:24,398
She's the type, she'd probably
just do something else.
79
00:04:26,484 --> 00:04:31,476
'Ah, soup. Lovely hug in a mug.
All I need now is a kiss in a tube.
80
00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:35,479
'A wank in a packet.
Better call Sophie. Or maybe...
81
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:40,194
'Just before, play solitaire
for three hours. Shit, it's her! '
82
00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:42,273
Hello, Sophie?
83
00:04:42,317 --> 00:04:45,830
'Hi, Mark! Listen, good news.
I'm coming down tonight.
84
00:04:45,875 --> 00:04:48,104
'Can we hang out? I miss you.'
85
00:04:48,154 --> 00:04:50,950
Of course, I miss you too.
86
00:04:50,992 --> 00:04:54,108
Although, tonight,
you do know it's Thursday?
87
00:04:54,151 --> 00:04:55,708
'I'll pull a sickie tomorrow.'
88
00:04:55,750 --> 00:04:59,627
'Johnson's right,
she's dangerously out of control.'
89
00:04:59,668 --> 00:05:02,977
'So, I'll come over
about seven-ish? '
90
00:05:03,027 --> 00:05:06,734
Brilliant. Bye.
'Shit. Bottled it.
91
00:05:06,785 --> 00:05:10,219
'Tell her tonight after chicken
and wine and Sara Lee.
92
00:05:10,263 --> 00:05:13,459
'Maybe I could get some
chocolate-flavour condoms.
93
00:05:13,502 --> 00:05:16,537
'I'll be more relaxed with my penis
as a novelty item.'
94
00:05:18,219 --> 00:05:23,086
'Why couldn't I get something
interesting, like a cat-strangling,
95
00:05:23,137 --> 00:05:26,571
'or a murder case that goes
at the heart of government?
96
00:05:26,615 --> 00:05:28,844
'Oh, my God, the defendant.'
97
00:05:28,894 --> 00:05:32,328
Do I know you?
God, you're on the jury, aren't you?
98
00:05:32,372 --> 00:05:35,249
Yeah. Yeah, I am a bit. Sorry.
99
00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:36,689
Wow, this is weird.
100
00:05:36,730 --> 00:05:39,243
Yup! I probably shouldn't...
101
00:05:39,289 --> 00:05:40,607
I shouldn't, probably.
102
00:05:40,648 --> 00:05:43,957
To be honest, it's nice
to get away from the jury.
103
00:05:44,007 --> 00:05:46,042
All they want to talk about is the case.
104
00:05:46,086 --> 00:05:49,281
What are they saying about it, then?
105
00:05:49,324 --> 00:05:53,076
Oh, just...
We all think you're innocent.
106
00:05:53,122 --> 00:05:54,396
Really?!
107
00:05:54,442 --> 00:05:56,511
'Just sugar the pill a bit.'
108
00:05:56,561 --> 00:05:59,232
What's your name?
109
00:05:59,279 --> 00:06:00,394
Jeremy.
110
00:06:00,439 --> 00:06:02,349
Pleased to meet you. I'm Carla.
111
00:06:02,398 --> 00:06:07,515
I'll be glad when this is all over.
Those wooden chairs kill my back.
112
00:06:07,555 --> 00:06:12,547
That's why I sit in the corner,
because you can lean on the wall,
113
00:06:12,593 --> 00:06:15,231
and you know... It's just better.
114
00:06:15,271 --> 00:06:16,829
What about that judge, though, eh?
115
00:06:16,871 --> 00:06:20,544
God, yeah. He's so judgemental.
"I rule this," "I rule that".
116
00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:24,466
That would be a good name
for him, Judge Mental!
117
00:06:24,507 --> 00:06:29,579
Hey, I tell you what, I plead guilty
to wanting a moccaccino!
118
00:06:29,625 --> 00:06:30,534
Objection!
119
00:06:30,584 --> 00:06:32,539
Overruled!
120
00:06:32,583 --> 00:06:35,779
'This isn't wrong, just... illegal.
Like drink-driving.'
121
00:06:38,020 --> 00:06:40,249
You'd think she'd come up
with a better alibi than that.
122
00:06:40,299 --> 00:06:45,325
"'I'm the foreman, I'm the foreman.
Only I get to talk to the judge."
123
00:06:45,377 --> 00:06:47,048
'Fuck you.'
124
00:06:50,414 --> 00:06:53,246
'Jesus, it gets better and better! '
125
00:06:53,293 --> 00:06:56,522
All those who think she's guilty
raise a hand.
126
00:06:56,571 --> 00:07:01,199
'They can't send her down, they
don't know her. I don't know her.
127
00:07:01,249 --> 00:07:03,716
'But I do fancy her.'
128
00:07:03,768 --> 00:07:07,839
Er, yeah, I just don't think
she is that guilty.
129
00:07:07,886 --> 00:07:11,001
I think there is a reasonable doubt.
130
00:07:11,044 --> 00:07:14,752
'I'm in Twelve Angry Men.
I'm the only one who's not angry.
131
00:07:14,803 --> 00:07:18,032
'I'm horny. That's much nicer.'
132
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:23,668
We'll eat and laugh
and I'll make out I think
133
00:07:23,718 --> 00:07:27,391
Colin Cooper's a dickhead too,
when actually he's doing
134
00:07:27,436 --> 00:07:31,552
bloody good work with a difficult
team and some very testing targets.
135
00:07:33,713 --> 00:07:36,101
What's funny?
136
00:07:36,152 --> 00:07:38,062
Oh, nothing. Doesn't matter.
137
00:07:38,111 --> 00:07:40,783
Is it something to do with the case?
138
00:07:40,830 --> 00:07:43,059
Er, yeah, it is, kind of.
139
00:07:43,109 --> 00:07:44,746
What's going on?
140
00:07:44,788 --> 00:07:48,222
It's really...
Honestly, it's nothing.
141
00:07:48,266 --> 00:07:51,894
They haven't found the missing
security tapes from Ryman's?
142
00:07:51,945 --> 00:07:54,218
No, no, it's nothing like that.
143
00:07:54,263 --> 00:07:56,730
Anyway, she's definitely innocent.
144
00:07:56,782 --> 00:07:59,090
Why, what came out? What happened?
145
00:07:59,141 --> 00:08:05,373
Nothing came out, it's just... I got to know her
a bit and she wouldn't do it.
146
00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:07,533
You got to know her a bit?
147
00:08:07,577 --> 00:08:11,727
We bumped into each other, we've
been texting, we're going out for a drink.
148
00:08:11,775 --> 00:08:16,289
For God's sake, Jeremy,
it's against the law.
149
00:08:16,333 --> 00:08:19,528
The only seat in the cafe
was next to her.
150
00:08:19,571 --> 00:08:24,245
Should I blank her? That's against the law.
The law of social niceness.
151
00:08:24,289 --> 00:08:28,519
You've got to tell her
you can't meet up for a drink.
152
00:08:28,567 --> 00:08:33,319
So suddenly I can't go out drinking
with the defendant? Why not?
153
00:08:33,364 --> 00:08:36,321
People might think
you'd be less impartial
154
00:08:36,363 --> 00:08:39,353
if you're trying to bone the woman
you're meant to judging.
155
00:08:39,401 --> 00:08:41,073
Typical.
156
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:44,191
"Jeremy can't be trusted to judge
the woman he's sleeping with but...
157
00:08:44,239 --> 00:08:47,196
"but Tony Blair can." Yeah?
158
00:08:47,238 --> 00:08:48,750
It's contempt of court.
159
00:08:48,797 --> 00:08:52,629
Look, Mark, I'm a musician,
in case you'd forgotten.
160
00:08:52,675 --> 00:08:56,063
I answer to a higher law,
the law of, "If it feels good, do it."
161
00:08:56,113 --> 00:09:00,024
Oh, that's a great law!
What's that, Gaddafi's law?
162
00:09:00,071 --> 00:09:02,106
It's the musicians' law.
163
00:09:05,309 --> 00:09:08,583
Colonel Gaddafi could not
lay down a bass hook, Mark.
164
00:09:08,627 --> 00:09:11,584
That should be clear even to you.
165
00:09:11,626 --> 00:09:13,377
God.
166
00:09:13,425 --> 00:09:16,381
Sophie! The Sophster! Sophistry!
167
00:09:17,303 --> 00:09:20,611
Soph! Great to... see you.
168
00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:25,414
Hi, Mark! So good to see you!
How are you, you big lovely? Dom.
169
00:09:25,459 --> 00:09:27,096
Hiya.
170
00:09:27,138 --> 00:09:29,526
Hi, Dom. Really great to meet you.
171
00:09:29,577 --> 00:09:34,490
'I suppose Dom's gonna have sex with
Sophie while I film it on my phone.'
172
00:09:34,535 --> 00:09:40,050
Sorry, that's me. Sorry,
I'm really gonna have to take this.
173
00:09:40,092 --> 00:09:41,570
Isn't he fab?!
174
00:09:41,611 --> 00:09:46,842
'He's gay! He's obviously gay.
My God, I actually have gaydar.
175
00:09:46,889 --> 00:09:49,606
'ls he going? I hope he's going.
176
00:09:49,647 --> 00:09:53,524
'Shutting the door might be
a bit aggressive if he's not.'
177
00:09:53,685 --> 00:09:55,481
So how are you?
178
00:09:55,524 --> 00:09:58,879
Oh, good, thanks. You look great.
179
00:09:58,923 --> 00:10:03,755
Thanks! Do you like my hair? Shaylee
did it, she works in the juice bar.
180
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:06,996
She does Indian head massage too.
God, it's orgasmic!
181
00:10:07,039 --> 00:10:11,189
'Juice bar? Massage? Orgasm?!
That's everything I stand against! '
182
00:10:11,237 --> 00:10:15,547
Hey, that was Olly. He wants to meet
up for cocktails at the Lava Lounge.
183
00:10:15,595 --> 00:10:16,583
What do you think?
184
00:10:16,634 --> 00:10:19,989
You'd love Olly,
he's such a great laugh.
185
00:10:20,033 --> 00:10:26,662
That sounds great, it's just...
I've made chicken, I've got wine.
186
00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:30,985
I've got DVDs.
Ocean's Twelve and Meet The Fockers.
187
00:10:31,027 --> 00:10:33,984
Er, we did see those at the cinema.
188
00:10:34,026 --> 00:10:36,822
It's like a reminiscipackage.
189
00:10:36,864 --> 00:10:40,821
Plus there's commentaries,
outtakes, bloopers...
190
00:10:40,862 --> 00:10:43,136
Ooh, just come for one cocktail.
191
00:10:43,181 --> 00:10:48,697
Olly freaked out. Oh, come on, he loves
you. He'll puke if you don't come.
192
00:10:48,739 --> 00:10:51,012
What do you think, Mark? lt'd be fun.
193
00:10:51,057 --> 00:10:56,413
Er, well, I guess I'd hate to be
responsible for someone
194
00:10:56,455 --> 00:10:59,684
actually throwing up, so...
Yeah, great.
195
00:10:59,733 --> 00:11:03,690
'You win this one, Sophie,
but I will have my revenge.
196
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:06,881
'All Sunday at the National
Maritime Museum.'
197
00:11:08,649 --> 00:11:11,287
'One cocktail.
That was the arrangement.
198
00:11:11,328 --> 00:11:16,479
'One cocktail, then home. Not four
cocktails and off to a gay club.'
199
00:11:16,525 --> 00:11:19,755
Carla can't make it
but she'll meet us here instead.
200
00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:22,919
Great. 'Trapped all night with
the homos and the criminals.
201
00:11:22,962 --> 00:11:26,839
'Like prison, but without even
my own cell.'
202
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:30,757
Mark, if he asks, just say you're gay.
What?!
203
00:11:30,798 --> 00:11:32,708
You been here before, mate?
204
00:11:32,757 --> 00:11:34,031
You gay, pal?
205
00:11:34,077 --> 00:11:37,033
'Lie. Say yes, say yes.' No.
206
00:11:37,075 --> 00:11:40,907
No, I'm not. God, sorry.
207
00:11:40,953 --> 00:11:43,830
I did once have this thing with a...
208
00:11:43,872 --> 00:11:46,510
I had these feelings,
but it was complicated.
209
00:11:46,551 --> 00:11:50,178
It was more a sort of atmosphere,
nothing ever really...
210
00:11:50,229 --> 00:11:53,264
Sexuality's a sort of a spectrum,
not a black and...
211
00:11:53,307 --> 00:11:55,774
Go on. Fuck off. In you go.
212
00:11:55,826 --> 00:11:59,180
There are a lot of gay guys
in there tonight?
213
00:11:59,224 --> 00:12:01,578
Great. Brilliant.
214
00:12:04,702 --> 00:12:09,614
'God, how did I end up here?
Will I ever be allowed to leave?
215
00:12:09,659 --> 00:12:12,172
'Just got to ride the alienation.'
216
00:12:12,218 --> 00:12:13,855
Are you having a good time?
217
00:12:13,897 --> 00:12:15,250
Oh, yeah, wicked.
218
00:12:15,297 --> 00:12:16,854
So how did you guys meet?
219
00:12:16,896 --> 00:12:18,931
Oh, that's quite funny, actually.
220
00:12:18,975 --> 00:12:20,202
A trial.
221
00:12:20,254 --> 00:12:22,084
Are you a lawyer?
222
00:12:22,133 --> 00:12:24,362
I'm the defendant.
223
00:12:24,412 --> 00:12:26,288
And I'm on the jury!
224
00:12:26,331 --> 00:12:31,767
And the funniest part is,
the trial isn't even over yet!
225
00:12:31,809 --> 00:12:32,923
Oh, my God!
226
00:12:32,968 --> 00:12:34,195
That is so weird!
227
00:12:34,247 --> 00:12:38,602
'I'm just a stick in the mud for
thinking it's anything other than
228
00:12:38,645 --> 00:12:40,600
'one of those brilliant urban jokes.'
229
00:12:40,644 --> 00:12:45,272
Jez, if I need the bog, this place,
its official classification is
230
00:12:45,322 --> 00:12:46,834
"gay-friendly"?
231
00:12:46,881 --> 00:12:48,950
Yep, gay, gay-friendly.
232
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:52,673
Does that mean friendly gays,
or friendly to the gays?
233
00:12:52,718 --> 00:12:57,665
Cos, to be honest, friendly gays
sound... not worse, but, you know...
234
00:12:57,716 --> 00:13:00,593
You think you're irresistible!
235
00:13:00,635 --> 00:13:02,147
People...
236
00:13:02,194 --> 00:13:04,548
Men have looked at me.
237
00:13:04,593 --> 00:13:08,220
Yeah, well. Just don't go into that
corner cos that's where the guys
238
00:13:08,271 --> 00:13:10,738
who like tubby homophobes hang out.
239
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,222
Another drink, everybody?
240
00:13:15,227 --> 00:13:17,262
Is... erm? That isn't...
241
00:13:17,306 --> 00:13:19,455
Is that your name?
242
00:13:19,505 --> 00:13:22,462
Yeah, it's a second marriage.
A bit complicated.
243
00:13:22,504 --> 00:13:24,061
Oh, right.
244
00:13:24,103 --> 00:13:26,411
The old... magic card.
245
00:13:26,462 --> 00:13:31,738
Well, you might think that,
but I couldn't possibly comment.
246
00:13:31,779 --> 00:13:34,292
'She sees something and she takes it.
247
00:13:34,338 --> 00:13:37,693
'None of the "Is this mine
or someone else's?" crap.'
248
00:13:37,736 --> 00:13:40,693
You know what, Carla?
249
00:13:40,735 --> 00:13:42,452
I think I love you.
250
00:13:42,494 --> 00:13:44,768
You hardly know me.
251
00:13:44,813 --> 00:13:49,362
So what? I'm a musician.
I speak with my heart.
252
00:13:49,411 --> 00:13:51,878
'Yep, Jailhouse Rock.'
253
00:13:51,930 --> 00:13:55,841
I've got four brown bears
and a couple of Foghorn Leghorns.
254
00:13:55,888 --> 00:13:57,400
Mark, are you interested?
255
00:13:57,447 --> 00:14:00,482
Er... I'm not really sure I...
256
00:14:00,525 --> 00:14:04,914
I know it's not really your thing,
but it's really good fun.
257
00:14:04,963 --> 00:14:06,793
It's great.
258
00:14:06,842 --> 00:14:11,152
Is there not even a slim chance
that I might... die?
259
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,588
I had an amazing time, you'll love it.
260
00:14:13,639 --> 00:14:16,630
I want you to love it. It'll be a special night.
261
00:14:16,678 --> 00:14:19,270
Yes. Of course. Sure.
262
00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:20,874
Take a Foghorn.
263
00:14:20,916 --> 00:14:25,032
They've got a nice, floaty launch
with a soft, crunchy landing.
264
00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:28,985
'A candle stuck in a wine bottle
doesn't cut it any more.
265
00:14:29,032 --> 00:14:34,467
'Now for a special night, you have
to have class-A drugs and fisting.'
266
00:14:37,388 --> 00:14:39,820
Mark, I'm so proud of you!
267
00:14:39,866 --> 00:14:43,903
'She's proud of me? For taking
a little white pill of drugs?
268
00:14:43,944 --> 00:14:47,413
'lf I'd fought at Goose Green,
she wouldn't want to know.'
269
00:14:47,463 --> 00:14:49,214
We are gonna have
such an amazing night.
270
00:14:49,262 --> 00:14:51,650
'You are gonna have an amazing night.
271
00:14:51,701 --> 00:14:56,726
'I am gonna have a very ordinary
night right under your stupid nose.'
272
00:14:59,177 --> 00:15:02,087
Who'd have thought it?
You and me out clubbing,
273
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:07,082
you off your tits. I can genuinely see us
eventually reminiscing about this.
274
00:15:07,133 --> 00:15:11,488
Jez, listen, the thing is, I didn't actually
pop my pill. I'm pretending.
275
00:15:11,531 --> 00:15:15,886
I could do with a few pointers
on how to be a druggie.
276
00:15:15,929 --> 00:15:17,725
Why didn't you bang one?
277
00:15:17,768 --> 00:15:21,475
I don't want to be in a phone box
with a trucker's penis in my ear!
278
00:15:21,526 --> 00:15:23,720
That is so not the E experience.
279
00:15:23,765 --> 00:15:27,278
You're much more likely to wake up
with depression and a sense of worthlessness.
280
00:15:27,323 --> 00:15:31,951
That crap you talk when you're off
your noggin, I never really listen.
281
00:15:32,001 --> 00:15:35,787
What do you prattle on about,
and how shall I say I'm feeling?
282
00:15:35,839 --> 00:15:38,432
OK, look. When you're coming up,
it's kind of...
283
00:15:40,557 --> 00:15:42,626
Yeah? And then you're just...
284
00:15:42,676 --> 00:15:46,223
Everything you do is just kind of...
285
00:15:46,274 --> 00:15:48,548
And then when you're going down,
286
00:15:48,593 --> 00:15:53,426
you talk about how we're all the same
but these systems keep us apart.
287
00:15:53,471 --> 00:15:54,141
OK, thanks.
288
00:15:54,190 --> 00:15:57,067
Hey, Mark. Are you feeling it yet?
289
00:15:57,109 --> 00:15:58,860
Oh, yeah, I'm feeling...
290
00:16:00,587 --> 00:16:02,258
Really? Shall I get you some water?
291
00:16:02,306 --> 00:16:05,422
No, no, no, it's good,
everything's gone sort of bubbly.
292
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:08,535
It's like I'm trapped
inside a giant Aero.
293
00:16:08,583 --> 00:16:10,493
I know exactly what you mean.
294
00:16:10,542 --> 00:16:15,056
I also think I might be getting
the famous munchies.
295
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:18,886
Really? On an E?
I'll get you some water.
296
00:16:18,938 --> 00:16:23,452
I tell you what, me and you,
we've got a connection, haven't we?
297
00:16:23,496 --> 00:16:25,850
We're on the same wavelength, yeah?
298
00:16:25,895 --> 00:16:28,328
Oh, right, yeah!
299
00:16:28,374 --> 00:16:30,329
Listen to the music, man!
300
00:16:30,373 --> 00:16:33,443
This guy's a genius!
He's bringing it up.
301
00:16:33,491 --> 00:16:36,562
He's bringing it up.
Ooh, he's taking it down.
302
00:16:36,610 --> 00:16:38,327
He's taking it down.
303
00:16:38,369 --> 00:16:40,598
He's taking it up!
304
00:16:40,648 --> 00:16:41,397
Taking it up.
305
00:16:41,447 --> 00:16:42,482
Taking it up!
306
00:16:42,527 --> 00:16:44,596
Taking it down. Taking it down.
307
00:16:44,646 --> 00:16:46,283
Taking it down.
308
00:16:46,325 --> 00:16:48,918
'This guy is literally a moron.'
309
00:16:48,964 --> 00:16:50,954
You're on it, man. We're on it.
310
00:16:51,003 --> 00:16:52,833
We're brothers.
311
00:16:52,882 --> 00:16:53,518
Yeah.
312
00:16:54,961 --> 00:16:58,076
'Oh, God, the sweaty grip
of the moron.'
313
00:17:02,477 --> 00:17:04,512
Oh, yeah.
314
00:17:04,556 --> 00:17:07,671
You can feel it.
You can feel it, can't you?
315
00:17:07,714 --> 00:17:10,546
Yep, I can still feel it.
316
00:17:10,593 --> 00:17:13,550
'Oh, God, I'm so tired.'
317
00:17:13,592 --> 00:17:17,105
'How did my house become a rave? '
This is probably how a squat starts.
318
00:17:17,150 --> 00:17:21,346
'They'll never leave,
and they'll brick me up in my room
319
00:17:21,388 --> 00:17:23,662
'and ownership will pass to them
because a high court judge
320
00:17:23,707 --> 00:17:27,015
'will rule me to be officially
not living life to the max.'
321
00:17:27,065 --> 00:17:30,533
Soph, it's lovely, your incessant
rubbing of my back,
322
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:32,618
but it is starting to chafe.
323
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:37,495
The wine! The wine's been...!
324
00:17:37,540 --> 00:17:40,928
Mark, you OK?
You're not having a bad one?
325
00:17:40,978 --> 00:17:43,935
'Shit, too rational.'
Yeah, I'm fine.
326
00:17:43,977 --> 00:17:47,126
I just love being down here
on the carpet.
327
00:17:47,175 --> 00:17:48,926
The stain. Look at the pattern it's
328
00:17:48,974 --> 00:17:54,569
making as it soaks into my
genuine, pure wool carpet.
329
00:17:54,612 --> 00:17:56,283
Do you think I should
get me stuff...
330
00:17:56,331 --> 00:18:00,288
'What? She wants to talk normally
after what we just did? '
331
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:02,888
'I like edgy sex,
but where was the humanity? '
332
00:18:02,928 --> 00:18:05,520
Hey! Check out the easy pickings.
333
00:18:05,566 --> 00:18:09,160
Yeah? Don't you think...
334
00:18:09,205 --> 00:18:11,081
We could blow this together, yeah?
335
00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:12,078
Do you think?
336
00:18:12,123 --> 00:18:16,433
Don't worry about him,
he's probably a banker on 300K.
337
00:18:16,481 --> 00:18:19,278
Yeah... I think he actually
works in a juice bar.
338
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:20,547
Whatever.
339
00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:22,668
So, about the case.
340
00:18:22,718 --> 00:18:27,551
Just between us, the credit cards,
that was you, was it?
341
00:18:27,596 --> 00:18:30,666
No, Jez. That's the funny thing.
I wasn't even around for those.
342
00:18:30,714 --> 00:18:34,705
I was in Lincoln raking in a bit
on a housing benefit scam.
343
00:18:34,752 --> 00:18:36,821
Brilliant.
344
00:18:37,591 --> 00:18:40,342
Ooh, nasty scar.
345
00:18:40,389 --> 00:18:43,061
Bit of a bitch fight one night
in Sunderland. Still,
346
00:18:43,108 --> 00:18:49,260
you want to see the other girl,
cos she can't see you, not now!
347
00:18:49,305 --> 00:18:51,977
Brilliant.
'Oh, fuck.
348
00:18:52,024 --> 00:18:53,979
'This is getting a bit too real.'
349
00:18:54,023 --> 00:18:55,171
'Just keep kissing.
350
00:18:55,222 --> 00:18:57,781
'lf we're kissing,
she can't say scary stuff.'
351
00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:01,938
'Look at these drop-outs.'
352
00:19:01,979 --> 00:19:03,855
'They think they're having fun.'
353
00:19:03,898 --> 00:19:07,047
'lf we were agricultural workers,
the day would be half gone.'
354
00:19:07,096 --> 00:19:08,927
Are you all right, Soph?
355
00:19:08,976 --> 00:19:13,842
I don't know. The room's going a bit
spinny, and a think I might, erm...
356
00:19:13,893 --> 00:19:17,009
I burped some sick.
Can you get me out of here, Mark?
357
00:19:17,052 --> 00:19:22,203
OK. What you need is some
peace and quiet, and some rest.
358
00:19:22,249 --> 00:19:24,887
And a cup of tea and some
toast with peanut butter.
359
00:19:24,928 --> 00:19:26,724
That sounds nice.
360
00:19:26,767 --> 00:19:29,802
Soph, where you going?
We're going to have a spliff.
361
00:19:29,845 --> 00:19:31,800
Say hello to my little friend.
362
00:19:31,844 --> 00:19:36,518
She's going to bed. She doesn't want
any more of your drugs.
363
00:19:38,041 --> 00:19:40,793
You just have a nice lie-down.
364
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:44,308
I'll bring the tea and toast
through in a minute, OK?
365
00:19:44,358 --> 00:19:47,076
Listen, do you want to...
366
00:19:47,117 --> 00:19:48,231
Again?
367
00:19:48,276 --> 00:19:49,755
Already?
368
00:19:49,796 --> 00:19:51,831
Yeah.
I'm in the mood for celebrating.
369
00:19:51,875 --> 00:19:55,343
In a few hours,
I'm going to be free as a bird.
370
00:19:55,393 --> 00:19:58,065
'Oh, no. She's going to go
free and come and live here,
371
00:19:58,112 --> 00:20:00,829
'and we'll have to do horrible
sex and go carjacking together.'
372
00:20:00,870 --> 00:20:03,463
Right, that's
it, turn the music down.
373
00:20:03,509 --> 00:20:07,022
You can stop smoking your drugs.
I'm making tea and toast for Sophie.
374
00:20:07,067 --> 00:20:09,455
I'm putting on Radio 4.
Everything's normal.
375
00:20:09,506 --> 00:20:13,133
I'm not really high, so you stop
talking your nonsense on my time.
376
00:20:13,184 --> 00:20:16,255
What's the problem, man?
Can't we just chill?
377
00:20:16,303 --> 00:20:19,373
No, you can't. You've been chilling
long enough. This is reality calling.
378
00:20:19,421 --> 00:20:22,730
But what about you and me?
The bond?
379
00:20:22,780 --> 00:20:25,292
There is no bond.
You're not a bad person,
380
00:20:25,338 --> 00:20:27,215
but I'm afraid to say
you are a moron.
381
00:20:27,257 --> 00:20:30,134
Pull your socks up and get
your shoes on. All of you.
382
00:20:30,176 --> 00:20:31,767
Oh, man!
383
00:20:31,815 --> 00:20:35,965
Listen, while we're at it, there are
systems for a reason in this world.
384
00:20:36,013 --> 00:20:38,731
Economic stability,
interest rates, growth.
385
00:20:38,772 --> 00:20:41,967
It's not a conspiracy to
keep you in little boxes.
386
00:20:42,010 --> 00:20:45,445
It's only the miracle of
consumer capitalism that means
387
00:20:45,489 --> 00:20:49,082
you're not lying in your own shit,
dying at 43 with rotten teeth,
388
00:20:49,127 --> 00:20:52,401
and a little pill with a chicken
on it is not going to change that.
389
00:20:52,445 --> 00:20:55,516
Now come on! Fuck off!
390
00:20:57,643 --> 00:21:01,759
'Bollocks. She's going to go free,
free to come round and cut me
391
00:21:01,801 --> 00:21:04,518
'from ear to ear unless I do
her evil doings with her.'
392
00:21:04,559 --> 00:21:08,516
So, maybe if we go over
the arguments one last time,
393
00:21:08,557 --> 00:21:11,946
then see if one of us
will change our minds.
394
00:21:11,996 --> 00:21:14,145
Why bother?
We're never going to agree.
395
00:21:14,195 --> 00:21:15,673
She's going to get off.
396
00:21:15,714 --> 00:21:18,386
Well, no, actually,
because the judge has ruled
397
00:21:18,433 --> 00:21:21,264
he'll accept a majority verdict.
If a couple of your lot
398
00:21:21,311 --> 00:21:23,744
will consider joining us,
then we can convict.
399
00:21:23,790 --> 00:21:25,427
'Shit. Could I do this?
400
00:21:25,469 --> 00:21:29,858
'She is technically innocent.
But, really, she's totally guilty.
401
00:21:29,907 --> 00:21:34,057
'Plus, women's prison, it's probably
like one long hen night.'
402
00:21:34,105 --> 00:21:37,096
Well, actually, I was thinking,
403
00:21:37,144 --> 00:21:41,339
I've had quite a big think
about everything and, um,
404
00:21:41,381 --> 00:21:45,214
I think I've changed my mind.
405
00:21:45,260 --> 00:21:47,136
Why? The security footage?
406
00:21:47,179 --> 00:21:50,533
Partially, but basically,
407
00:21:50,577 --> 00:21:53,170
I accidentally got
talking to her in a club.
408
00:21:53,216 --> 00:21:56,763
I know I shouldn't have,
but it turns out
409
00:21:56,814 --> 00:22:00,361
she does this sort of thing
all the time. She's a fraudster.
410
00:22:00,412 --> 00:22:01,891
No, we can't admit this.
411
00:22:01,931 --> 00:22:03,728
That grounds for a mistrial.
412
00:22:03,771 --> 00:22:05,522
OK, sure.
413
00:22:05,570 --> 00:22:09,163
If you want. Say it's a mistrial,
go crying to Daddy.
414
00:22:09,208 --> 00:22:11,437
But, look...
415
00:22:13,046 --> 00:22:16,162
maybe I didn't
play by the rules this time,
416
00:22:16,205 --> 00:22:19,957
maybe I am a bit of a maverick,
417
00:22:20,003 --> 00:22:22,754
but I think I've got this case
pretty much solved.
418
00:22:22,801 --> 00:22:27,509
And, yes, I can apologise for how
I've done that, but I could never
419
00:22:27,559 --> 00:22:34,792
apologise for telling the truth, and
the truth is that this woman is evil!
420
00:22:34,836 --> 00:22:37,951
If we let her go today,
we are going to be responsible for
421
00:22:37,994 --> 00:22:42,941
whatever she does, so help me God,
and let the Lord be my witness!
422
00:22:47,869 --> 00:22:50,018
OK, I buy it.
423
00:22:50,068 --> 00:22:51,739
Let's just say guilty.
424
00:22:51,787 --> 00:22:53,220
Yeah, I'm with him.
425
00:22:53,267 --> 00:22:55,416
'Oh, yeah, justice is done.
426
00:22:55,465 --> 00:22:59,423
'Not actual justice, but
what I wanted to happen,
427
00:22:59,464 --> 00:23:01,692
'which is
basically the same thing.'
428
00:23:02,782 --> 00:23:06,409
God, my head feels like a coconut
someone scraped out from the inside.
429
00:23:06,460 --> 00:23:08,734
Shit, yeah, I know how you feel...
430
00:23:08,779 --> 00:23:11,974
like a big sort of coconut
with a brain inside it.
431
00:23:13,417 --> 00:23:16,646
Whoops. Sorry, I'd better... Hello?
432
00:23:16,695 --> 00:23:19,288
'Mark, this is Allen.
I've spoken to Colin Cooper.
433
00:23:19,334 --> 00:23:22,324
'He's pissing blood. Apparently,
Sophie's pulled another sickie.
434
00:23:22,372 --> 00:23:26,568
'It's getting out of hand. Call her,
talk to her, do what you need to do.
435
00:23:26,610 --> 00:23:27,565
'She's right on the bloody precipice.'
436
00:23:27,610 --> 00:23:29,759
OK. 'Come on, Mark, do it.'
437
00:23:29,809 --> 00:23:32,276
'You're Sugar, you're Trump,
you're Rommel.'
438
00:23:32,408 --> 00:23:34,045
It's been really great seeing you.
439
00:23:34,087 --> 00:23:36,554
And thanks
for coming to the club.
440
00:23:36,605 --> 00:23:40,483
I know it's not your thing. I just
want you to know I appreciate it.
441
00:23:40,524 --> 00:23:42,752
I... Thanks.
442
00:23:42,802 --> 00:23:45,838
Soph... Before you go,
443
00:23:45,881 --> 00:23:49,554
there's something I need to say.
444
00:23:49,599 --> 00:23:50,748
Yeah?
445
00:23:50,799 --> 00:23:53,357
It's just...
446
00:23:55,716 --> 00:24:00,310
You-You've really got
to pull your socks up at work.
447
00:24:00,354 --> 00:24:03,151
- What?
- You've got to stop pulling sickies
448
00:24:03,193 --> 00:24:07,150
and screwing around, Sophie.
Johnson says.
449
00:24:07,191 --> 00:24:10,704
Mark, what the fuck?! My head's
in pieces, I don't need this.
450
00:24:10,749 --> 00:24:12,420
No, Sophie...
451
00:24:12,468 --> 00:24:14,423
If you want to be a major player,
452
00:24:14,467 --> 00:24:17,935
you've got to apply yourself more
and be more punctual.
453
00:24:20,824 --> 00:24:24,656
Hug? 'We'll laugh about this.
454
00:24:24,702 --> 00:24:26,214
'Definitely.
455
00:24:26,261 --> 00:24:30,014
'Unless it kills the relationship
stone dead, which it probably will.'
456
00:24:38,016 --> 00:24:43,451
Paranoia, paranoia,
everybody's coming to get me
457
00:24:43,493 --> 00:24:45,483
Just say you never met me
458
00:24:45,532 --> 00:24:51,764
I'm running underground
with the moles, digging holes
37229
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