All language subtitles for Mock The Week S23E02

Read about the things that happen
throughout the world Don't believe in

everything you see or hear

And welcome to another summer special
episode of Mock the Week. I'm Dara

Joining me are Sarah Pascoe, Rhys James
and Scott Bennett, Glenn Moore, Hugh

Dennis and Michelle Wolfe.

We'll start tonight with a round call.
If this is the answer, what is the

question? On the board are six
categories. Michelle, which category

like? Oh, I'd love sports.

Your topic is sports. If the answer is
60 years, what is the question?

What is young for a man and dead for a
woman?

Is it how long is the gap between my
washing machine finishing and it letting

open the door?

Is it how much stoppage time will be
added if USA are losing to Iran?

Is it how long can I go without a pee
now I'm doing pelvic floor exercises?

What age will my children be when I
still try and pass them off as under

Alton Carroll?

The amount of time it takes a football
player to get up when he's hurt.

How long would it take Nicola Sturgeon
to spot a camper van parked in her

garage?

Is it how long will Al Pacino wait
before having another child?

is a cheddar too mature?

How long until I can advertise my London
flat as a coastal property?

Is it how long it feels like Donald
Trump's been in office?

Is it how long did it take Russell
Brands to find that Bible quote?

If you'd asked me to guess the new
Strictly host, how long until I'd say

Widdicombe?

You made him. You made Josh Widdicombe.

You've got blood on your hands making
him.

You've got glitter on your hands, Doran.

Anything Adam Hill has most of the
glitter on his hands. But he was on the

and at no stage did we go, look, dancing
programme.

Does that mean we're in the slipstream
to be the host of Saturday Night TV and

stuff? No, absolutely, yeah. In five
years, I'll be one of the gladiators.

Yeah.

Is it what age do American voters
consider a president to be sprightly?

What should be the prison sentence for
anyone who reclines their seat on a

-haul flight?

Yes. Yes, actually.

Some of them are just serious.

Yeah. How long should you leave it if a
skunk with norovirus uses your lavatory?

It's how long my doctor's told me I've
got left to live.

By contrast, it's, um... It's what I see
in the rear -view mirror.

Just an angry 60 -year -old going...
Meet me! Meet

me!

When does a milf become a gilf?

When they're ajar.

Do we have the correct answer? Is it, as
of the night this episode goes out, how

long has it been since my grandparents
got killed in a hot air balloon crash?

How long will the World Cup feel for
Irish viewers?

Don't give me the actual correct answer,
please.

It's how long is it since England won
the World Cup? It is. Thank you very

Yes,

yes, yes. How long since England won the
World Cup?

This year's competition kicked off on
Thursday night in Mexico with the final

schedule to be played on July the 19th
at the MetLife Stadium in New Jersey.

Are we excited about the World Cup?

When I think about 60 years apart, that
feels like a long time. But also I think

how weird it must have been before it
was 60 years old, the chant they used to

sing, which was, two world wars, doodah,
doodah.

Threatening and very war -related. The
thing is, everyone bangs on about 1966,

right, like it was this big achievement.
But there were 16 teams in the World

Cup then, and one of them was North
Korea, right? And we didn't even beat

Germany in the final. We beat West
Germany. That's how much better Germany

at football than we are.

But imagine if we had got to the final
of a World Cup with just Swindon, Yeovil

and Bodmin.

Speaking of Swindon, first stop on my
tour.

I am excited for the World Cup because
it feels like the first time in a long

time when you see flags and it doesn't
feel racist.

It'll still be racist.

I actually watched the World Cup final.

That World Cup final? That World Cup
final. It was my dad went out and bought

telly. So we could watch the World Cup
from it. Like in the big cabinet with

tiny little square.

Yeah, it was beautiful.

And the next thing we watched on it was
the moon landing.

OK, that's it. This TV is going off for
three years.

You're like a family in a biopic where
only the most interesting things in the

world are happening on the TV behind
them. They say she's unsinkable.

Here comes John F. Kennedy. Don't switch
the telly off!

Have US police been preparing to deal
with football fans? They've watched

Scottish football fans. They came over
to watch Scottish football fans. To see

how segregation works and crowd control
and all that. And to see what it's like

when your whole nation is sad.

Scottish football fans are segregated.

Well, no, in most of us, yeah, it is. In
football?

No, in different sides, different teams
in different places.

American sports, they don't do that.
Doesn't that happen everywhere?

No, it doesn't do it in American sports
as far as I know. No, in American

sports, everyone's everywhere.

Yeah. Oh.

In America, it used to be different.

So you might be sitting next to someone.

Yeah, there was a time there was
segregation.

Oh, yes. I may have chosen a loaded
word.

Did the last thing Scottish football
fans did, they invaded the pitch?

Yes, they did.

And do you think Trump's watching that
and thinking, oh, God, that's how you do

it?

I feel like American security's just
like, what are you, why are you telling

people, just pull out your gun?

There is a controller, and now we can
shoot them? No, no, no, there's no

By now we would have shot them. For sure
now, you can shoot them.

time we've shot no one.

Loads of the games are on at 3am and
stuff. And usually the World Cup's

good for the economy because loads of
people are in pubs. But they're on at

Where are they going to show them? At T
-Bay services.

What new product is going to help
England fans stay dry during matches?

Beer -proof shirts.

Lidl are releasing shirts that are
hydrophobic, which is no place in the

game.

spilling on you. It just goes straight
off. But also, I don't think anyone was

going to get bespilled and run a pub
being like, I've got to wear this to a

wedding tomorrow.

I do love the idea that nothing says
patriotism more than an England football

shirt sold by a German supermarket.

How do you wash a waterproof shirt?

Just get in... Yeah.

Come on, science boy. How do you do it?
I think that's dry clean.

Your wife did. Oh, dry clean. That's a
good point. I hadn't thought of that.

I get upset because there's a football
jersey that's waterproof and we just...

We don't have anything for periods.

Am I going to give you a little shirt
now? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what they should use the fabric
for, is to aim it at men in their 40s

want to wear chinos again.

And then you don't have to dangle
yourself into a Dyson hand dryer.

It just beads off you.

You feel you can walk with confidence.
Can men do anything?

Can you just dab it with some toilet
paper? Just take care of

yourself for one second.

It's unpredictable down there. That's
the problem.

any at all since my pelvic floor.

Moving on. What have the Norwegian team
been up to?

They've been doing a photo shoot. They
did a photo shoot. And the Norwegians

really lent in to this.

I can't just say I really missed that
haircut I had.

I saw these and I thought, yes, invade
me.

He does look like a miserable kid on
World Book Day.

Yeah.

I chose how to ride a dragon, and now I
really regret it, and now I'm dressed as

a Viking.

Do you think he's part of a band, a
Norwegian Viking band called the Pillage

People?

The entire team, they literally brought
them to a fjord and got one of those

rental Viking boats you can get in
Norway to put it behind them and do the

thing.

There was an announcement in Norway that
they may not do well because it'll be

very hot, which I thought was lovely
because they are all professional

They will be very hot, as if they're
Olaf from Frozen.

On the DNA.

At midway through the game, it'll just
be Erling Haaland's carrot nose.

Who will be charged with looking after
FIFA officials at the World Cup?

Oh, the robot dogs.

The robot dogs?

They've got robot dogs, yeah.

That is going to get nicked, ridden or
drop -kicked by an England fan within an

hour.

We shouldn't call them robot dogs, we
should call them Microsoft Excel

That's the World Cup content we were
digging for.

Meanwhile, what's going on here?

Is the guy on the left thinking, this is
awkward, that's a picture of his

daughter.

It looks like all three of the men
behind him are trying to do telepathy to

him up.

It's the four horsemen of the apuckered
lips.

That is what my arsehole looks

like. Now I'm doing pelvic torture.

I tell you, Hugh, if I was a robot dog,
I would sniff that in a hole.

LAUGHTER What has President Trump
recently likened to the Eiffel Tower?

The UFC ring that's on the White House
floor. Yes, the UFC ring.

Very geographically convenient.

Previously, if you wanted to see topless
boys fighting for their lives, you had

to go to his best friend's island,
didn't you?

What I do quite like is that he'll solve
a few disputes if he's with Zelensky,

and he goes, I don't quite agree with
that.

Outside.

LAUGHTER

all the things you could do during Pride
Month, this is the game.

At the end of the round, the points go
to Scott, Rhys and Taya.

Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

The next round is called... Audience
question time.

We, of course, are open to the studio
audience and invite them to ask us

questions on any topic. First up, is
there an Anthony here?

Where is Anthony?

Where are you from, Anthony?

Reading. OK, cool. I like the pause.

I'm going to give away my secret
identity.

OK. Thank you for being here. Anthony,
what's your question?

What new slogan would you like to see
from political parties?

I think there should be restore.

We're relying on reform voters not
reading past the first... Two letters.

Reform. When the boats stop, stop.

I've got one for Labour.

Labour. We're like sex with a man with a
micro -penis. We're in, but you'd never

know it.

I'd go for, there are some things money
can't buy. For everything else, there's

the SNP.

I think the Greens should go for back,
back and crack.

I think this one's open for anybody.

Some of us are faithful and some of us
are traitors.

I'll make it more like a game.

Lib Dem, use code Davy10 for 10 % off at
Go Ape.

Reform should be, because of what we do
and say, we lose a councillor.

Every day.

Lovely stuff. Okay, thank you very much.
Okay, who's next? Where's Bernie?

Hey, how are you? All right, thank you.
Very good. Where are you from, Bernie?

I'm from Maidstone and Kent.

Maidstone and Kent. Be proud of it. Not
like Reading. People at Reading are very

quiet.

Don't pause me. Anyway, Bernie, what
question have you got?

If you had a million pounds... How would
you spend it?

Oh, I actually have a million pounds.
All I have to do is send 500 pounds to a

prince in North Africa.

LAUGHTER And then it's mostly going to
Captain Dog. OK, great.

I think I'd pay for a skywriting plane
to fly over my house once a week to tell

me which colour bin to put out.

LAUGHTER

I think if I suddenly got a million
pounds, first of all, 20 grand, fill up

ISA, let's not be irresponsible.

The last year you can, the last year you
can.

And then I would, you know, I think I
like giving gifts, you know. So, Dara,

you've been very good to me over the
years, so I think I would treat you and

finally get you that trip to Turkey.

His teeth are fine.

Yeah.

Let's see if you can stop yourself
looking like Greg Wallace.

You can bully up, you know.

I would buy a ticket to a New York
Knicks game.

Just one.

Oh, yeah, good idea. I'd get a Domino's
without a voucher.

Is it a million pounds?

It's a million pounds, yeah. I think I
would do travel lodge Wi -Fi for two

days.

I think that wives should be able to put
themselves into the pop -ups around

their husband's pornography.

If they do go on the computer to look at
stuff, that's fine. I don't want to

control your sexuality.

You know, it's a thought crime.

But I want my face on all the pop -ups.

I think I would buy a camper

van, three coffee machines.

And then parked him outside Edinburgh
jail.

What are we talking like? People sat
around with their, don't have a million

pounds. I don't have a million pounds.
That cameraman's fucking loaded.

I might buy a new pelvic floor.

Thank you very much to our audience.
Thank you very much. The next round is

called, he's here, he's here, get used
to it.

Fifth game involves Michelle and Scott.
If you could make your way to the

performance area, please.

This round is a stand -up challenge. I
launch the wheel of news, and whoever

chooses to stop, will do our performance
and step forward and talk about that

subject. The winner is whoever I think
is the funniest.

Okay, here we go. Opera topic, please.

The subject is relationships.

Who wants to come in on that? I'll take
that one. Michelle.

My partner will say very romantic things
to me.

He'll say things like, I just love...
staring into your eyes. You have the

beautiful eyes, which to be fair, it
makes me feel okay about my body.

Just my eyes.

But I do that thing. I sabotage the own
compliment, you know, like I'll be like,

oh, okay, well.

What happens when I get really old and I
age poorly?

How are you going to think about me
then? He'll be like, I don't care. As

as I can stare into your eyes, they're
so beautiful, I could look into them

forever. Getting a little creepy, but
still nice.

But then I wanted to take it one step
further.

And I didn't ask this question because
there's only one right answer to this

question. And I was afraid if he
answered it incorrectly, I'd have to

What I wanted to say is, okay, so what
if someone plucked out my eyes?

And I was just left with two empty
sockets in my head.

What would you do then?

And I didn't ask this because there's
only one right answer. And the right

answer is, walk away slowly.

And quietly.

Because that's the funniest way to leave
a newly blind person.

Are you still here?

And I should say, my husband, he is
black.

And I only tell you that so you know I'm
a good person.

No, it's actually relevant for this
joke. It doesn't work as well if he's

black. One day I was out and I came home
and he was asleep on the couch.

And there was a video playing on the TV.
And the video playing was about white

privilege. And I thought this was the
most passive -aggressive thing I've ever

seen.

Like, I'm the white woman in this
relationship.

I'm the passive -aggressive one. How
dare you try to out -passive -aggressive

me?

So I did the only thing I could think
of. I called the cops on him.

The police don't do that there. They
just make you eat an olive and take a

Thank you very much.

Okay,

that leaves us with Scott. Let's see
what your topic is. Let's spin the

And the topic is sleep.

Children have the greatest night's
sleep.

I look in their rooms every night and
they're spread out in perfect comfort.

They've got eye masks on, there's lava
lamps bubbling, a little audio book.

It's like Narnia in there. I pay the
mortgage and I'm bunking up with someone

else.

I've done that for 15 years.

I leave them in a better situation than
I'm in. No, you're going to have eight

hours, darling, yeah. No, me, I'm just
nipping in here with this mouth

See you in the morning.

stays still. She says it's involuntary.
She does it on purpose.

Doing more miles than Mo Farah in there.

My youngest had a nightmare the other
week. She come in our bed. I went in

Greatest night's sleep of my life.

I don't read her a bedtime story now. I
show her clips of The Shining.

Daddy, I'm scared. Shut up. Finish your
cheese.

Finish.

Get that full cheese wheel down. Wash it
down with that Rioja.

and centipede. I got a mum fat of that.

Told her it was the hungry caterpillar.

Every now and then she'll just go, I
don't want to be in the middle! And just

on with her day.

When you're first together, you never
suggest separate bedrooms.

That would be the beginning of the end.
What do you mean? You don't want to be

with me?

Don't you love me anymore? We do
everything together. We sleep together.

my head on your chest and listen to your
heartbeat because it beats for us and

our future yet to be discovered. And you
can run your fingers through my hair. I

love you so much.

How have we gone from that to you're on
my side?

you won't take.

Sometimes in the dark, I just hear this.

Encroachment.

You're over the line.

You're creeping.

She turns the light on, she straddles
me. She's the line.

She's put a swimming noodle under the
fitted sheet now.

We're segregated. She's built a wall.

She's Donald Trump and I'm a Mexican.

If I want to touch a tit, I need a visa.

At the end of that round, the points go
to Michelle.

Come on back.

Join us after the break for more Master
Week.

Our next round is called Picture of the
Week. I see the panel's topical image

and ask them to tell me what is
happening. So, teams, what is going on

Hello, is that the Samaritans?

very tough time at the moment.

Is he saying, can I provisionally book a
removals van?

Is he calling his wife to see if she
likes Andy Burnham better?

He's saying, thanks for calling, Dara.
Yes, I got them from Vision Express.

have an erection.

Is that that base station Extra Naughty
I would like to subscribe, please?

My name?

Andy Burnham.

So where is this?

Is the country so fucked that he's
having to hot desk?

Did he call us? And

the psychic answered, hello, former
prime minister.

I'm calling to ask why my pen isn't
working.

It's upside down. Thank you very much.

Is he saying... Is he saying I can't
believe they've

given me the labia mug again?

Why are you growing that labia? It's a
beautiful part of the anatomy.

Yeah, but in a mug form?

Ashtray, maybe.

I feel like if it was

scrotum, you guys would all be about it.

Does anyone have the correct answer?
Yes. This is for the by -election, so

hitting the phones for reform.

Hugh? This is Keir Starmer. Correct.
Thank you very much.

Yes, of course, this is UK Prime
Minister Keir Starmer, who has said he

stand his ground and fight any challenge
for the Labour leadership, despite

pressure to stand down.

This week he's tried to strengthen his
position by announcing a host of

policies. Is he right to stand firm at
the moment? He's absolutely right to

stand firm, because if he goes now, he
won't go to the World Cup final.

LAUGHTER That's it, though. I don't
think he needs all these new policies.

just needs a new vibe.

We're just bored, aren't we? He should
just turn up with a fringe.

LAUGHTER You should turn up with a
fringe and a boyfriend.

It's going to be a little bit different
around here.

He just needs one exciting policy.

Like one exciting, interesting policy
like cinema screen should have a big

that the audience can wiggle when they
want to see how long's left of the film.

You cannot take a photo with your hand
like that because so much can be

photoshopped into it.

like how he's trying to leave a legacy
now. Like, he's trying to cram as much

as possible before he inevitably goes.
It feels a bit like when I get left a

list of chores to do at home, and I know
they're just building up, and I sort of

fall asleep in front of Tipping Point,
and then I hear the key go in the door,

and I'm frantically trying to cook a
bolognese on Hoover with two hands

I'm rumbled. It feels like there's a lot
of that going on at the moment. It's

always better to be called in the
dishwasher.

Why?

When you say in the dishwasher... Very
partially in the dishwasher.

Jesus,

he's done nothing around here.

Are you in the dishwasher again?

I was just checking if it worked.

What policies has he announced, by the
way?

He's announced a ban on social media.
He's pledging to maybe ban social media

for the under -16s. The interesting
thing is, I think he's looking at it the

wrong way. I think if you want to get...
kids off social media you just let the

parents on the same social media because
they won't want to be anywhere near

that so they're just right underneath I
think I got you that jumper I

can't believe how much you've grown

and you know that tune really slaps
they'd be gone within a week

I do think it's so obvious, like he's
supposedly doing this for safeguarding

reasons. It's so obvious he's just
getting bullied by 15 -year -olds in his

TikTok comments.

He's just reading it going, they're
saying Unc is cooked.

I have skibbity riz. I have skibbity
riz.

I can ban it. I get it.

You've got to ban it for even under 18.
When I was 17, I was trying to ask out a

girl on MSN Messenger.

And I'd written out the message in
Microsoft Word to ask her out. And I

and pasted it. I pasted the wrong thing
and I sent her my entire UCAS personal

statement.

Do not mock the pulling power of my Duke
of Edinburgh, okay?

Did she say yes?

Were you given admission?

I got in through clearing. Yeah, yeah,
yeah.

But you didn't tell her she was your
third choice.

I was just going to say, I think this is
really good for kids.

I also think it's good for old school
pedophiles.

You know, the ones that are like, I
missed my van.

Great for candy sales.

Yeah.

You know, they're going to ban it. but,
like, you know, I wasn't allowed alcohol

under 18, technically.

But, you know, still your parents would
be like, give you a sip, my dad would

give me a sip of his beer or whatever.

Is that going to happen where they're
like, OK, you can borrow my phone to

one Andrew Tate video, but no, don't
tell your bitch mum, OK?

My big concern, though, is that they'll
bring in this ban and then I'll, like,

suddenly have no followers.

And it'll turn out that, like, oh, I
never had followers for my comedy.

I'm king of the virgins.

You should send someone your UCAS form.

Moving on. How has Reform UK's Makefield
by -election candidate Robert Kenyon

been appealing to voters?

He's done a really cool song. He did a
cool song.

Sort of like a rap song. I don't think
it's him singing it. No, it's not him

singing it. It's not a rap, because if
there's one thing Reform voters love,

it's the hip -hop genre.

Associated milieu.

We're going to show you a clip of the
rap. It should be noted, what is the

word? It's almost a subliminal
advertising. What is the first word in

And it's repeated five times. And see
what message may be coming across. This

the Robert Kenyon rap.

I mean, you're bopping your head, going,
white, white, white, white, white.

White, white, white, like whatever.
Also, what a line, spanner in the lab.

Spanner in the lab.

Is that a phrase I've missed somewhere?

I'm totally in touch with the youth
culture, but spanner in the lab feels

science nightmare.

Oh, my God, there's a spanner in the
lab.

our experiments.

Oh, you've assumed it's a science lab.

I thought it was a dog.

A nasty puppy has been in the back of
the van. I added a lot of backstory.

I've listened to that song a lot because
I cannot believe the audacity of them

appropriating black music. It should
have been a white kind of music. It

have been Wagner or something.

I'm a white van, it's in the front yard.

Wave is what it's called.

White Van Wave. I think that's
ambitious.

Just let's get him to indicate first.

I think the easiest way to explain the
by -election is it's

Burnham versus a plumber. So you either
vote for Labour or you vote for Labour

plus parts, including that.

Because Rob Kenyon is a tradesman, you
know, I mean, he's demonstrating

excellent saw technique there, in which
you hold the piece of wood.

You know when you've done, you've known
you've gone far enough, don't you?

Your body sends a strong signal today,
you have finished, you have finished the

sawing. I mean, it's a sensible
decision, he's running to be a

can't show anyone that you've got a
vice.

All right. Oh, but he does have a vice.

very specific vibe.

You just know that when he was making
that rap video he said, and then could

get like Carol Vorderman grinding on me
a little bit?

Do you think he's building a wicker man?

Well, if he's doing it, he's going to be
doing it at one time.

Join us after the break for more Mocked
a Week.

Now we play a game called Is it that
bad?

In a world where everything seems to be
going wrong, there's a chance for our

performers to compete, to outdo each
other with tales of woe from their

and I decide whose is the worst. Anyone
care to start us off?

I'm pretty upset because I just threw
Narnia in the World Cup sweet state.

I think that's bad.

I'm on tour at the moment, and I'm
worried about the fuel rationing,

that comes in, I said to Gemma, my
partner, I said, you know, if that

and that's the tour done, I'm going to
be at home with you for the rest of the

year. But she didn't say anything. She's
in Iran now.

In the straits of Hormuz in a kayak,
trying to get the shipping lanes open.

You think that's bad? My eck.

Told her therapist that I was stalking
her. I was like, guys, I'm right here.

You think that's bad? I applied to be an
ISIS bride, but they said they saw me

more as a friend.

If you think that's bad, I once failed a
mission on the video game Grand Theft

Auto because I couldn't find anywhere
free to park.

You think that's bad? I once got dumped
by email and the worst thing was when he

CC'd into it, so that was shit.

You think that's bad? I spoke to a
surgeon about getting a breast

and he said it would be keyhole surgery.

You think that's bad? I recently
accidentally spent a fortune at an

I thought I recognised the auctioneer.

You think that's bad? When I was a kid,
this is a genuine story, when I was a

kid, my mum was really into healthy
eating.

and she decided that we would all have
nettles, right?

We're going to boil some nettles for
dinner.

She's terrible in itself.

And the place she chose to get the
nettles from was behind our garden shed,

right? And she said, and as they were
put on the table, I was thinking, I'm

only person here who knows that behind
the garden shed is where I go for a piss

when I'm in the garden playing football.

And I couldn't tell my mum, and I had to
eat them. I mean...

I mean, my own urine is fine. I do that
now.

That is one of the most fucked up things
I've ever heard in my life.

I don't even think the piss thing. You
had nettles. They did nettles.

Well, that sort of is a vegetable. Not
just nettles, clearly.

I mean, you have nettles in soup, don't
you? You've never had nettles in soup.

And then what? You have a dock leaf for
pudding.

You think that's bad? I used to work as
a server in a retirement home and I was

asking this one woman if she wanted to
wait for her friend for dinner and she

said she's dead.

That beats nettle soup.

You think that's bad? I got replaced on
a job that I'd done for free for charity

and they refilmed it with Billy Piper
because my camel toe was too visible.

And if all you think you know how bad it
is, I was wearing a skirt.

I think it puts me in the Guinness Book
of Records, actually.

At the end of the hour, the points go to
Glenn, Hugh and Michelle.

Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.
So if everyone can make their way over

to the performance area, I'll read out
the three topics and then we'll see what

our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go.

The first subject is... Things you
wouldn't hear in a school assembly.

So, remember, if you need more crystal
meth, talk to the supply teacher.

Measles, mumps and rubella, come and
collect your book tokens.

Yes, we have been unlucky with some of
the role models we've chosen for our

house names, but we're not going to
change them now, and that applies

you're in Savile, Glitter, Harris or
Mountbatten.

I just remind students that it is
perfectly normal to have more than one

and what I get up to on a Friday night
is my own business.

This school has always been tolerant.

We do not tolerate bullying or ridicule,
which is why I know I can rely on you

when I introduce our new headmaster, Mr.
Dick Dinglewanker.

I won't be back next term as I'm
pregnant.

But the good news is, it's one of yours.

I did warn you that if you didn't
behave, I would have to call mummy and

Well, I've done that. And my mummy and
daddy say you have to be nice to me.

Can somebody from year 10 go to the
staff room and explain to Mr. Strezo how

get on the dark web?

All it took was a single file on his
hard drive and Mr Williams is going to

prison.

We're going to be talking about drugs
today and here is our very special

Please welcome Ben.

Now, we've had a report of bullying from
year eight and that report was from

Julian, the new boy.

Let's show him what we do to snitches
round here.

Now, students, if you could please line
up from shortest to hottest.

Sadly, due to budget cuts, there won't
be career day this year, so I'll try and

pack it into the assembly.

Bricklayer, bricklayer, benefits,
bricklayer, medical trials, bricklayer,

OnlyFans. Good luck.

OK, clean hands, big smile, nice full
tummy. All right, let's get out there

give these kids a fucking good school
assembly.

to come down very hard on people who are
using AI in exams.

We will be particularly suspicious of
people who begin their answers with,

that's a great question.

The lost property box is finally empty.

Now I can die.

Just a stern reminder that we bought the
Dyson hand dryers to dry your hands.

Remember, Ofsted are in tomorrow, so if
you're one of the feral children, we

will be paying you off again.

Just a little message for year four.

Now's the time to start working on your
pelvic floor.

tell today, and it's the turn of Robbie,
whose mum is on OnlyFans. Fire up the

projector!

Okay, the next topic is unlikely things
to hear at the World Cup.

Well, there goes the whistle.

Give us back our whistle.

And the game ends in a shootout, but we
all knew the risk hosting a World Cup in

America.

own goal for Saudi Arabia. The manager
has his head in his hands.

Whoever wins this gets the straight of
her move.

Well, England are just 90 minutes from
the victory.

What the fuck are they doing in
Portsmouth?

a referee has consulted VAR and the
verdict is in. That thinks he's a wanker

too.

Welcome to the Men's World Cup.

Well, let's see who's in the England
wall.

Bellingham, Kane, Saka Rice.

That's odd.

Are you allowed to use a sack of rice?

The England players do have to be
careful as they sing the national

enough of them accidentally sing Queen,
she will be summoned.

Well, you don't see it very often, but
they've gone for a 1 -1 -1 -1 -1 -1 -1

-1 -1 formation.

That is the Brazilian style.

And it's a pitch invasion, or as the
Americans call it, a pitch regime

We are so glad this is in America.

We all remember Paul the Octopus. We all
remember Achilles the Cat. Well, this

year we've got Oscar the Tapeworm.

I'll just cross over these flags, see
which he pops out to pick, shall we?

have a free kick now the mexicans have
formed a wall but yes okay america is

going to make them pay for it and the
crowd are now chanting he's orange he's

got piles and he's in the epstein files
he's donald trump well

covered in blood torn shirts cuts and

bruises and drenched in sweat are you
scotland fans looking forward to the

I wondered if they'd beat the press, but
of course they have. They're Saudi

Arabia.

Well,

it is very difficult to see what is
happening from the commentary position

because of the ticket price. We are in
rice lips.

The Slovenian unhappy with the
American's disgusting tackle, but

to marry him.

Well, this player is really already
being dubbed the next Maradona because

a fucking massive cokehead.

So we're just going to have to wait for
the singing of the FIFA anthem.

FIFA faux fam.

I smell the money of a football fan.

And that's the end of the show. This
week's winners are... Thanks

for

watching. I'm Daryl Breen. Good night.

Follow me forever.