All language subtitles for Huisvrouwen.Bestaan.Niet.2017.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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Mom, where's that form
for the Four Days Marches?

- Why haven't you washed my sweater?
- Do it yourself.

- Mom.
- Leave me alone.

I have an editor's meeting.
I wanted to shave my legs.

Why is the door locked?
I want to brush my hair.

It isn't locked.
I never lock it.

Mom, where's my rocket?

Good morning. Aren't you late?

HOUSEWIVES DON'T EXIST

Jasper, will you act normal
when we get there?

I always act normal.

No, you're always nervous
among white coats.

Doctors are normal people.

Gijsje, I don't feel well
all of a sudden.

Just act normal. Come on.

Medically speaking there's no reason
why you won't succeed.

Chlamydia.

I've had that in my teens.
It's really gross.

Maybe it's all broken down there.

It's really looking great.
The things I see here...

And now?

Look.

PRACTICE A LOT

But we've been doing this for a year.
How long do we have to keep doing it?

I just can't tell when I'm ovulating.

Not really, I mean.
I'm just super irregular.

I've got something for that.
You know the app "iVulate"?

It's genius. You have to fill
in some details. Temperature.

Then I get an alarm
when I'm ovulating.

So statistically speaking,
we should be pregnant already.

Shouldn't we let Jasper's...

His...

No, it's too early for that.

You know what you should do?

Have a romantic weekend, relax a bit,
go out to dinner, do a role play...

I could be the pilot.

You dress up like a stewardess.

- Great. Thanks.
- Good luck.

Jasper.

Ow, my finger.

Cas, really? That woman
is way too old for you.

Those breasts are just as old as I am.

Bye, honey.

Did you brush your teeth?

- Bye, honey. Behave.
- Wait. Aren't you forgetting something?

Kick? Daycare?

I'm not going to make it.
I told you yesterday. Honey...

- Bye, Dad.
- Go get them. Don't forget that thing.

- I have my book report today.
- Good luck, honey.

- What time will you be there?
- I won't. You're not five anymore.

I have to go to work.
Who has time for that?

- All moms.
- No, those are schoolyard moms.

- They work too.
- They don't work.

They make bracelets
every Tuesday night

to sell in the shop at the gym
and that's what they call work.

Honey, your mom at least has a real job.

So gross, all that drool.

"Reminder, editor's meeting
half an hour earlier."

Shit. Fuck, fuck.

- Hi.
- Hi, Gijsje.

- Good morning, everyone.
- Good morning.

You're here because people
at this advertising agency

are doing a household product campaign

and we'd like to know
how housewives talk and think.

- I'm not a housewife.
- Me neither.

Well, you don't have jobs
and you're home a lot, so...

I'm a wife, I have a house,
but I'm not a housewife.

Me neither.

- What do you do in your daily life?
- I'm teaching mindfulness.

I work in the logistic hygienic sector.

- What's that?
- I'm a cleaner.

- Hello, beautiful.
- Good morning.

- Did you have your hair done?
- No.

It looks different. Nice.

What comes to mind
when I say "bed sheets"?

A naked colleague.

I change the sheets
every two weeks.

Gross. I change the pillow cases
every two days.

Are you also reluctant to do it
whenever you just changed the sheets?

I mean to...

- You know.
- Just use a towel.

Quiet.

Mine are so stiff. And there's a smiling
penguin on it. Or Bob the Builder.

- That puts me off.
- Man, what a job.

What if you and I have our own
brainstorming session tonight.

I think we'll do much better
than that research group.

- I have a boyfriend.
- So?

- Do you do fun stuff?
- Very fun stuff.

Oh, hello.

- New skirt?
- Yes.

Your legs almost reach the ceiling.
Nice.

Good morning.

Shit, fuck, shit, fuck.

Oh, yeah... Okay. Bye, honey.

Shit, fuck, shit. Uh-oh.

Loes? Loes.

Loes?

I'm here.

This afternoon's interview is important.
We don't get Freek Vonk every day.

Oh, cool. Freek Vonk.
Cas really loves him.

I think he's so... so interesting.
What time? Where?

It won't look good
if you let him wait half an hour.

Good luck, Victor.

Okay, let's get to work.

Have a good day.

Nice shoes.

- Paolo?
- Yes.

How do you say "you've got
such beautiful eyes"?

Say it to me.

Hello. We've been trying
to reach you for quite some time.

This is not a good time.

We performed a re-evaluation
of outstanding credits

regarding the underlying value
of your property.

It appears the property value has become
inferior to the established mortgages.

- Yeah? So?
- Your house is under water, Madam.

Your mortgage is higher
than the property value.

The housing market is booming.
Anything else?

The difference is quite big.
You won't be able to make up for that.

Apart from that, you haven't paid your
monthly installments for six months.

I'm short on cash. How long have I been
a client of yours? 30 years?

What's a few months?

I'm afraid we're going to have
to liquidate your house.

We'll leave this here.

You could contact our head office,
if you'd like.

See you.

Bye, snookems.

- Gijsje, I just did that.
- Last week is not "just", Mom.

- How long have you been using this cloth?
- Let me think. You were four...

Gross.

Did you know within 24 hours
there's four billion bacteria in this?

Honey, you know so much.

We started a new campaign for Shine.
Cleaning products, this time.

It's been there for four weeks.

Many things are so dirty.
Like shopping carts, tap knobs,

swimming pool floors
with all those fungal nails

and soggy sanitary towels
or... Dog shit under your shoe?

- Oh, Marjolein. Go outside.
- Oh, gross. Yeah.

- Perfectly on time, by the way.
- You wanted to meet during lunch.

- Coffee?
- With a G&T on the side.

- What?
- Make it without the tonic.

- Hi.
- Hi, honey.

What a morning.

Out of everything you've neglected,
Granny's house has been an exception.

It's so great our kids
are able to play here too.

All those generations.

Why don't we remodel it?
The value will go up.

Let's not talk about money.
We're here for your sister.

How did it go at the doctor's?

No? Such a pity.

Though, Jasper never gave me
a fertile feeling.

- Mom.
- He calls her pookie.

- What now?
- Practice a lot.

Practice...

Oh, shit. Yeah...

Shit. I'm going to make it.

We have less advertisements, online
media, erratic consumer behavior...

Less and less people
read the paper, so... I'm sorry.

But Renée, I've been working here
for 12 years. That's experience--

A fresh look can be very healthy.

- A fresh look?
- Yes.

- On things people really find interesting.
- Like that crap about those loose cats?

Here, let's see.
"Economic growth in East Timor."

I had to miss Bente's swimming test
for that.

"Kids being mislead
by the American sugar mob."

Cas became soccer champion
and who wasn't there?

Why do you have to involve
your kids in this?

Because I'm trying to show you... I'm
trying to show you how professional I am.

- I never talk about my kids at work.
- Do you have kids?

That doesn't matter.

Pardon me. My article
on that newborn elephant is in your mail.

Be free
All she wants is to be free

Be free

Love will come later

All she wants now is to be free

WILL YOU COME OVER TONIGHT?
I FORGOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING

- Hi.
- What are we doing here?

I'm Marjolein.
Bente and Cas' mom.

If we can't remember the rule
"no bikes in the schoolyard",

how can we expect our kids
to remember it?

What does it matter?

Nice.

- Hey, honey.
- What are you doing here?

I wanted to know how your
book report went, so I'm here.

You'll read it on my report card,
if you've got time to read it all.

Hello? Hey.

I think you've got the wrong mom.
Please let go. Would you let go, please?

Will you let me go?
Honey, let go.

- Let go.
- Isn't that your mom?

No, my mom has a real job.

- Let me go now.
- Ties.

- I'm sorry. He wouldn't let go.
- He always does this with new moms.

Bad Ties.

I don't think we've met.

- Hi.
- Hi. Thijs.

I'm Marjolein. I'm not new,
I just don't come here that often.

We can't all be the parent
who's hanging around.

Do you know her?
Her, with that guinea pig in her neck?

Her name is Titia.
She's a real chief here.

She's the kind that hammers out tiles
in a Spanish convent

to use in her own kitchen, you know?
A real schoolyard mom.

Hey, honey.

- Hello.
- Hey.

Hi.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I wouldn't have thought
you were together.

When I first look at you, of course.

It's not... Titia, Thijs, Ties...
Three Ts.

Okay, bye.

- Bye.
- See you.

Jasper.

"Practice a lot," he said.

- We need to get in the mood first.
- Oh, honey...

Don't spill it.

Jasper.

Shower first.

Jasper?

Gijsje, what the fuck?
What are you doing?

Cut that bush off. So gross.

I just changed the sheets, come on.
Get your butt up.

Yes, yes. Okay.

- What are you doing?
- How long are we supposed to do this?

We don't have to do this today.
My ovulation was ten days ago.

So, it's five days
plus two weeks before--

True love can't be planned.
"Swim, Forrest, swim."

What?

Honey, you'll find something new.

The boys are coming over tonight.

Mountain biking?
To talk about the Ardennes.

- Do you have to do that here?
- Dad, he's got the bleach again.

You don't have to work late, right?

Guys with tummies
and cyclist outfits

who peddle three kilometers extra
to get a piece of apple pie.

- Your mom's on her period.
- Is she on her period?

- Cas.
- Hey.

If you dare to say that one more time
if a woman is in a bad mood

I'll shove a tampon in your asses.

This is my new job.

Folding laundry, cleaning toilets
and making the beds.

You didn't have to fire Ria.

We can't pay a housekeeper
while I'm at home all day.

It's nice being a housewife for a while.

You can have your feet done.
That's nice.

Did you read Linda Magazine again?
I'm not housewife material.

I'll find a new job.
I just have to work out my resumé.

In the meantime I've got time for...
Well, these guys.

- Great.
- Mom.

Philip Roth. I haven't read him for ages.
Alain de Botton.

Ayn Rand, my best friend.
I'll go and have some coffee with her.

- So the boys can come over?
- Sure. I have to go to Mom anyway.

How is this possible?

With that super arrangement
from the university?

Apparently it wasn't that super.

With the costs I make,
it was all gone within a few years.

Gone? I can't have this right now.
Really.

What costs?
Feeding all those men?

I didn't want to bother you,

so I took out an extra loan
on the house every once in a while.

This is our house.
Us three inherited it.

It was supposed to stay in the family
forever. This is our place.

How bad is it?

How bad is it?

I have to pay 100,000
within three months.

A hundred thousand?

- The housing market is booming, so...
- Great timing.

Just when I have to go look
for a new challenge.

Why? Were you fired?

No, honey.

- Everything will be alright.
- Yes.

That's very comforting, Mom.

But hypothetically,
if it isn't going to be alright?

- Guys, not so fast.
- Mom, you don't have to come.

- I... Talk softly.
- You don't have to come.

I hear you, but for years
you've been whining for me to come.

Now I'm free
and now you don't want me to come.

- Lice bag.
- What?

For my coat? You washed it.

- That old rag?
- Yes.

Oh no, was that your lice bag?

I thought it was a sewing
or crafts project.

I took a picture of it and threw it out.
I'm sorry.

- So stupid.
- Why?

- I love you.
- Rough morning?

- Hi.
- Oh, man.

I'm hungover.

You've got something there.

Oh no. This just is really hip now.

Ow.

Looking tight.
Have you been working out?

No, Dominique.

iVULATE
YOUR PERIOD HASN'T STARTED YET?

THAT'S GOOD NEWS

JASPER, YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS
I THINK IT WORKED

WE'LL CHECK TONIGHT

Gijsje. Walk with me?

Now.

Aren't you Bas and Lente's mom?

- Cas and Bente.
- That's what I said.

- Have you got a sec?
- Okay, I'll go then.

I'm actually really busy.
I have to race.

I'm busy with work,
updating my resumé and stuff.

So I'm really kind of busy.

Is it about the kids?

Oh, okay...

I'm sorry. Cas...
He's just in a breast phase.

I mean, I get it.
They look really great.

They did a great job.
I thought about it myself.

I heard that it gets a bit
memory foam-like...

- Lice.
- No, they don't have lice. Really.

Otherwise I would have them too.
You can check.

Check it.

I've been part of those lice raids
for years.

I use that gross shampoo on the kids
all the time.

- Yes.
- What?

Shit.

I'd like to talk about something
no one else can know.

Only Dominique.

Gijsje.

We make sure people
like the products of our clients better

than those of their competitors.

We tempt people.

And if it were up to me, we'd do that
for a really long time to come.

But?

- Shine wants a new advertising agency.
- What? Then we're finished.

They asked us, and two other
agencies, for a proposal

for a new marketing communication
approach for their home products.

Whoever's got the best idea, wins the
client. Or in our case: keeps them.

We just interviewed
our consumer panel.

They want a full concept.

I'll give you both a chance
to come up with an idea.

Whoever wins,
will present their idea to the client.

Clear?

One more thing.

The one who manages to keep Shine,
will have a chance to become partner.

That means 5 percent of revenues.

That's around 100,000 euros.

I'm sorry, honey.

Aunt Gijsje.
Yeah, she's giving my dad a massage.

Now she's got that sticky white stuff
all over her hands.

Cas, give me that. Hi.

- I think we might keep our house.
- Oh?

I'm in an internal pitch
for a home cleaning product client.

Your profession is so sexy.

I just need to beat a slick player.

Are you talking to me?

Gijsje?

Gijsje?

Am I supposed to hear this
or do you want me to hang up?

I'll beat that player.

Sorry, honey.

No, shit.

SORRY, FALSE ALARM
I'LL BE AT WORK A LITTLE LONGER

You have to go a certain direction.

I don't think you should worry too much.

Just go with the flow more,

and listen to your feelings more.

So what I mean, Pim,

is just accept who you are.

Fate had this planned for you.

I'm watching this, but it's a pity
we don't have more time for this.

We can't help too much people,
but we'll make up for that.

Around 12.15 we're back for you,
with a longer program.

For now, I'd like...
I just said it. There's so much--

Where do I start?
I'll just wash the curtains.

Yes, that's what people do.
Where's the instructions?

Oh, curtains probably
don't have instructions.

Wow, those windows are dirty.
How did it go again?

Methylated spirits and chamois leather?
Where's that thing?

Shit, I don't have methylated spirits.
Vodka.

It's really the same.

An old newspaper. That works.

Gross.
This rug needs to go to the cleaner's.

Now you see it
because I took the curtains down.

Come on, roll it.
Damn it.

I need to wash the LEGOs
for the daycare center.

All those years of studying and hard work
and you end up with a tub full of LEGOs.

CURRENT JOB: HOUSEWIFE

JOURNALIST

Could you spare a new pillow case?
Still in its packaging?

Yes, of course.

- Fine.
- A little hard.

- Fine.
- You really sink into it.

- Fine.
- Yeah, this comes in handy.

Congratulations,
you've got a new bed.

In a little while
you'll be having sweet dreams.

- We'd like to look around for a bit.
- Of course.

Come on.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

This one.

When I worked, all these dirty clothes
in the house didn't bother me.

But nowadays all clothes
need to be handled with care.

No wonder those lice won't die.

You need to get back to work.
Be your own boss.

What am I supposed to write about? My
wild adventures as a schoolyard mom?

Who'd want to read that?

And how are you doing?
Should I knit some socks?

We're doing it so much,
I can't even do it anymore.

- You aren't trying that long, are you?
- A year, four months and 27 days.

- That long?
- The eggs for the lady.

The doctor says
we should practice a lot.

And in a later phase we might test
Jasper's contribution.

- "Contribution"?
- Yes, his...

Oh, his sperm.

Didn't they check that already?
What kind of a doctor is that?

I wouldn't wait if I were you. Really.

You have to do something about that
sperm, because that's what's wrong.

- I first need to convince him.
- You want babies, don't you?

Marjolein, isn't that whole
pregnancy thing really a bit gross?

I mean, something growing inside of you.
Just hearing the word...

Placenta.

You just become an animal.
Your body just takes over.

When you hold it in your arms, it's all...

And that'll pass too.

Oh man, I decided to shave
the other day. Just tame that jungle.

You always have a child
jumping on you. Bam, cut.

I had to put band-aids on my puss
for three weeks.

But I wouldn't want to miss them.

And when they're sick...

You know, really sick,
with a high fever. That kind of thing.

Then I really enjoy them.

Then they want to cuddle all day.
They're like a hot furnace.

You make sure Jasper's jizz gets tested
and you concentrate on that pitch. Check?

- Check.
- Come.

Cheers. To the sperm.

To the sperm.

This is a lice bag.
Look, there's "lice" on it.

- How many daddy days do you have?
- Daddy days? You can't say that anymore.

- No?
- No, that's a real no-go now.

Here.

Bye, honey. Bye, sweetheart.

Don't you ever feel useless?

It looks like you have library duty
alone tomorrow. Sabine is sick.

- I could help, if you need someone.
- Don't you have work?

Yes, but I have my own business now.
I'm very flexible.

- What do you do?
- I have a blog. I write.

I can see it.
It's as if you're a different person.

- I've got the size of two persons.
- That's entirely up to you.

Join me in bootcamp class tomorrow.
You'd still be in time for the library.

- Working out?
- Fun.

Wait, I'll add you
to our training message group.

- Do you have a car?
- Yes, we...

How many seats?
Six always works.

I'll add you to "transport field hockey,
horseback riding, dance and swim class".

The last one is "Splash".
Well...

We take your kids too,
so now you could drive some time.

- Fun, isn't it?
- Sure.

I'll see you at the park,
tomorrow morning at eleven.

And I'll see you at the library at two.

A minute ago I was free.

Hey, don't you have anything with you?

Okay, guys. The score so far.

From research conducted
by Cambridge University

we know a prostitute is less embarrassed
telling what she does for a living

than a housewife. The housewife
as we know her, is dead.

Yet the Dutch market
for home products...

LEVEL OF PENETRATION

That's it.

So what's your idea?

- That's the next step.
- Oh.

- You still have some time left. Dominque?
- The ShowerPower.

We all know the coffee machines
with their cups and pads.

So that, but then for in the shower.

Tap on, put a pad in, shower
and you've got foam.

- That's of course...
- Great.

With fragrances like "Sleep Well"
and "Spring Fresh".

- "Eucalyptus", when you have a cold.
- Research shows shower products--

Well done. Put it on paper.

And Gijsje, come up with an idea first.

Only a few days
before you'll pitch it to your colleagues.

- Ow, honey. Careful.
- I got you.

Yeah.

Work with me here.

Yeah?

Oh, Mar...

Could I have a cup of soup?

- Soup?
- Some soup.

Thanks, honey.

MEN WHO ARE SICK

- Marjolein...
- What is it with men who are sick?

Marjolein, my paper?

Marjolein?

Hey, honey.
What's wrong? Aren't you feeling well?

Headache.

Which ear? Both.

My throat hurts.

Do you have to throw up?

- Your back?
- Bente.

Daddy can't reach his glasses.

I'm so sorry, honey.

Just go to bed early tonight.

Oh, you're home already?

No, in the supermarket.

In the supermarket.

Are women more used to pain
or something?

Waxing, labor, bras with wires,
high heels. Without complaining.

But when a man is sick,
there's only one thing to be done.

Run.

Some soup?

This team gets a ten
We're no last minute joiner

Alter ego flavors
I do cameos with myself

I roll with my boys
You see me backstage

I do multiplayer GTA
On my PSP

All my people who are down
I got your back

Stage experience
Check the old videos

Are you nervous?

No.

All champions here.

Kathelijn?

Marjolein.

Hi.

- Cliff, Kathelijn. Kathelijn, Cliff.
- It's Marjo... Hello, hi.

- Okay, girls. Let's go.
- Go, go, go.

Go, go, go.

Jasper, are you okay?

Take your time.
They're just going to test it.

I only need to be at the office
in half an hour.

- I know.
- Okay.

Gijsje, I can't. Would you help?

One, two, up.

- Four... Up.
- I'm doing something wrong.

- Oh, like that.
- Six, five... Three, four...

...six, seven, eight...

- This I can do.
- Three, four...

Kathelijn, come on. Five, six...

Oh, no, no.

Okay, wait.

Sit.

Okay, okay.

- Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
- Oh yeah.

Today I'll be your purser on this flight.

On behalf of captain Jasper Brantjes
and his crew

it's my pleasure to welcome you
aboard this Boeing 737.

Please be advised smoking
isn't allowed on this flight.

- No, it's not allowed.
- It's not allowed. It's not...

Oh no.

- I really have to take this.
- Gijsje...

Hugo.

Yes. Yes. No.

No, no. Yes, no, of course.
Indeed, yes.

Yes...

Those things happen.

Just take it home.
It has to be in this jar.

- You can bring it in tomorrow.
- Can we?

Okay.

- I just didn't sleep well.
- Of course. We'll see you tomorrow.

Up.

Down.

Okay, ladies. You worked hard.
I'm proud of you.

- Thanks. See you tomorrow.
- Thanks.

- Bye, Kathelijn.
Bye.

- Did you pay attention, or didn't you?
- No.

Okay, one more time. Here.

Take this one. F12.
Select, there. Did you get it?

Oh, sorry. No, yeah.

Good morning.

If you just do your thing,

then I'll take it to them.

What?

Jar. Good luck.

Okay then.

Jesus...

Really?

- Jar.
- What?

- Jar.
- Oh, jar.

Shit.

It's still in the car.

In front.

I think.

Good morning.

Good morning, Miss.

Do you, by any chance,
have a disabled parking permit?

You wanted to explain?

Hey, Gijsje.

Hey, Dominique.

What's wrong?
Did you lose your discount card?

No, my sperm.

I only have a few days before my
presentation and I don't have anything.

Dominique is already acting
like he's won.

- Dominique was...
- That player from work.

And Jasper can't ejaculate in a jar.
Why can't anything be normal with me?

- Just because normal is boring.
- You're just like Mom, you know that?

You think different is exciting.
I don't. I like normal.

I want to be a mom, go camping
with one mom and one dad.

I don't want to go
to a naturist campsite in Wallonia

where we shaved that dog
because otherwise it wouldn't fit in.

You know what I wanted?
A Barbie doll. And what did I get?

An anthroposophical stuffed toy
from the thrift store

with the snot of another child
still on it.

It fits you, because it's different.
I just want normal.

- You feel at home everywhere.
- Not at all.

Especially not at the schoolyard.

I really try to fit in,
but I can't stay focused.

You know what I've been doing all week?
Organizing Cas' birthday party.

What are you going to be doing?
- Paintball with someone in a bear suit.

- I still need someone for that.
- No way.

Look, this is how I spend my days.

You're your own boss now.

- My blog has had two visitors.
- Okay.

Huib and me.

I just can't work.
Fucking development days.

The kids are home the entire day.

If I want to work, the only place
I can do that is on the toilet.

With the door locked and the lights off,
otherwise they'll know I'm there.

What's this?

A stupid draft for a column.

"Me being a housewife is fantastic.
Especially for the ones I live with.

They sometimes seem to think
they live in a magic house.

Plate on the counter, turn around,
plate in the dishwasher.

Dirty underwear on the floor,
I go to work,

and when I come home
it's been washed and it's in the closet.

How did that happen?
Skid marks in the toilet,

toothpaste in the sink,
hairs in the shower.

We'll just watch some Netflix, we'll come
back and everything is spic and span."

- It's a bit...
- I love you.

- Marjolein speaking.
- Hi, it's Thijs.

I put your name on the list for the PTA.

You said you've got more time
and we could use a fresh set of eyes.

I'm a fresh set of eyes, yes.

"Dirty underwear on the floor,
you go to work,

you come home
it's been washed and it's in the closet.

Skid marks in the toilet, toothpaste
in the sink, hairs in the shower.

We'll just watch some Netflix
and everything is spic and span."

- Look at these images.
- Thank you.

You'll never have to make the bed again.

- Good afternoon, everyone.
- Good afternoon.

We'd love to keep Shine for Daily, but
the question is: using which concept?

Dominique...
You're up.

Yeah, sure.

What are you doing?

A PTA is really important
at a school like that.

Really.

Yeah, of course.

Look at this.

No way, you even have
Engelbert Humperdinck.

Yeah, let's call it a guilty pleasure.

What do you mean guilty?
I hate that.

Who of you calls themselves
a housewife?

Houseman?

Exactly. But who is going to do
all those chores?

My mother.

Yeah, that used to be so nice.
Having a mom who solves everything.

I used to have a grandma like that.
Grandma Ans.

Her home was always neat and fresh.

It always smelled like clean laundry.
It always smelled like apples.

And cinnamon.

I really relaxed when I was there.

Never any fuss about who would
put away the dishes in the evening.

But those women... Do they still exist?

People have got better things to do.
Like living.

If there are no housewives
who'll do those things for you,

shouldn't your home do it for you?

Shouldn't there be a home
that takes care of you?

By combining all new technical gadgets
in one home.

Where it's time to be really happy again.

"Being happy",
that's a truly complete concept.

That's why we present to you
"Happy Home".

Vacuuming.

When we are asleep, slots in the walls
vacuum the entire home.

Cutlery that starts beeping
when you eat too fast.

You could use those, Dennis.

...based on traffic
when you need to get up.

Everyone gets one of those.

Your toilet will measure
your urine values.

So you'll get a message
when there are signs of cystitis.

Even when you're pregnant?

Yes, if you're pregnant. Yes.

And ladies, if your boyfriend refuses
to sit on the toilet, he'll get a shock.

What the fuck?

That was a joke.
But one day there will be a home

that will take everything
off your hands.

That is happiness. That is Happy Home.

Okay, guys.
We still have about two weeks.

What will keep Shine with us?

Who thinks
it will be Dominique's concept?

And who thinks it will be Gijsje's?

It's clear, Gijsje.

I do want you to incorporate Dominique's
ShowerPower concept in your story.

Oh, okay.

We'll show those other agencies
how you reel in a client.

- Yes.
- Right?

NORMAL IS BORING

Hey.

Congratulations, shorty.

Great concept. Nice.

I wouldn't have minded your show
being a bit longer.

Oh? Okay, nice.

- Next time we will make the agenda.
- I promise.

Okay.

Yes.

WENT GREAT
SEE YOU AT MOM'S?

- I have to go, so...
- Yes.

Money worries look,
money worries look.

- I really can't do it.
- Give me the bottle.

Okay.

Three, two, one...

Oh no, this doesn't look good.

What is it?

- Gijsje.
- Isn't it great?

Fantastic. Such a surprise.

- Cheers.
- Santé.

Cheers.

Pookie.

What are you doing?

Practicing?

With her? Really?

- You didn't come.
- And you did?

I had an important presentation
for my colleagues, remember?

Oh, I'm sorry. Of course not.
You forgot, because you were so busy.

Maybe we should all forget it.

You can't even come in a jar, but when
I'm gone you're spilling it everywhere.

Without a towel.
It doesn't matter.

I have to fuck whenever the clock
tells me to, but it doesn't matter?

Are you being all tough?

Lying on a towel like some sort of baby
on a changing pillow.

- But that doesn’t matter either.
- What's wrong with a towel?

All spontaneity is gone.
Everything here is according to schedule.

Twice a week fish,
once a week tofu.

Three times fucking without sex.

I can't even make a sandwich
without having to vacuum right after it.

I even piss like a five-year-old.

- If you can pee without spilling...
- Be realistic.

I'm not a sperm machine.

I'm just a man
and I want a normal woman.

Here. Lie on this all day.

- Jasper.
- On your own.

- Bye, honey. Have fun.
- Bye.

Huh?

- Your sister is crazy.
- Yeah, she's mental.

Exactly.

Just watch what happens
when you're gone a day.

I think it's great you decided to speak
your mind. Take some time for yourself.

I know she'll come around.

It's good you're here,
because I have a job for you.

Okay, guys. This is the bear.

We'll give him a 30 second head start.
Don't aim for the head.

No closer than three meters.

- Okay?
- Yes.

- Got that?
- Yes.

The bear is loose.

Thirty, twenty-nine, twenty-eight,
twenty-seven, twenty-six...

...three, two, one. Go.

There he is.

Stop, stop, stop.

Guys, stop.

Dead is dead, guys.
How dead do you want him to be?

You can say a lot from this bear,
but he isn't horny.

Jas... Jasper?

Jasper, you're an example to them.

- As if Huib can do it every time.
- Can't he?

Well, Huib can.

- What's the problem? Gijsje?
- No, Gijsje is amazing.

- The jar...
- Is it too small?

- Oh, it's too big.
- What?

No, it's just a jar.

I can't hold the jar with one hand
and then with the other...

That's two things.

- Okay, I get that.
- Yes.

So the jar is the only problem?

So if someone else
would hold the jar...

What?

Have you got it with you?

Yes.

Okay.

- Are you serious?
- Quick, before I change my mind.

Marjolein.

Really?

- Bananas?
- It's my favorite.

But are you...

No, you have to do it yourself.
I'll just hold the jar.

- And don't tell Gijsje.
- Okay.

Gijs?

Grow up, Dominique.

- Gijsje?
- Yeah.

Jesus.

- Gijsje?
- What?

- Don't work too late.
- I'll be here all night.

I'VE GOT NEWS
ARE YOU FREE TONIGHT?

Dior?

You're having a baby?

What is it?

Okay. No, I'm sorry.
Mom, tell me.

That's it. I think I'm pregnant.

But Mom, you're 59.

- What about menopause?
- I haven't noticed a thing.

Apparently I'm very fertile.
Marvin is too.

And Paolo and Hans.

Jesus Christ.

No, not him.
I haven't seen him for a while.

But thanks, Gijsje. I'm very happy.

But Mom, you're joking, aren't you?

- I just feel it.
- You went to university.

You just know these things.
It's just like with you.

These are all tender.
Just when I was pregnant with Gijsje.

Mom, why does everything
have to be such a mess with you?

- It's called "being open-minded".
- That's what you call it.

You know what I call it?
Just figure it out yourself.

First that French singer
who supposedly was my dad.

No, I'm almost certain.
That Swede of yours I'm certain of.

My whole childhood I had short hair
because it was more practical.

I always had to introduce myself
with: "Hi, I'm Gijsje and I'm a girl."

It was clear you were a girl.

I gave you a pair of pincers and you gave
them a dress and fed them porridge.

You always liked cleaning and cooking.

When you were eight
you already baked cakes.

Granny taught me.

Yes, with Granny everything was normal.

In the morning I knew
what we were going to have for dinner.

- And everything was clean.
- Because that's most important.

Getting married, having kids,
save for a Singer sewing machine.

And when you're dying you can be proud
of how neat your linen closet is.

Because you have nothing else
to be proud of.

I never want to be a slave
of my linen closet.

I always thought
that if I'd be having fun myself,

I'd be a good mother.

I think you sucked.

What do you want me to say?
That I made a mess of things?

That I'm broke?
That my daughters have to save me?

That I'm trying my best
not to go crazy from despair?

Should I say that?
Then we'll all be depressed.

I'm not saying that. I did my best.

My way.

You may think I'm a failure,
but I think you're perfect.

And you too.
With all your funny quirks.

And you know what's the worst part?

That my daughter is jealous,
because I leave my life to chance a bit.

And that I think she should do that too.

What? She's got a point.
You should learn to let go more.

Gijsje?

Oh hey. Hi.

I'm sorry, I just got sucked in.

Hi.

Oh, yeah...

You'll bring them?

- Of course.
- Bye.

- What was it again?
- Swimming. Message group "Splash".

Swimming. Group "Splash".
Of course. Yes, okay. Bye.

Message group "Splash". Shit.

WE NEED TO TALK

Guys, I'll see you in a bit.
Here at five. Bye.

Say something, Marjolein.
I haven't slept for ten days.

I thought: "If I'll tell you,
I can get it off my chest."

So?

How am I supposed to tell Jasper?

And I also have that pitch.
What am I supposed to do?

Come on, you love Jasper, don't you?

- Yes.
- Then just don't tell him.

Being faithful doesn't mean
you can't fall in love.

It means you'll stay with someone.

- You came up with that?
- No, I read it in Beau Monde.

It already happened.

You can't throw everything away
just because you one time...

Four times.

In the same evening?

From which planet is he?

Think of it as some kind of liberation.

- I have to go.
- Relax.

- You got this. Hey, you got this.
- Yes.

- I'm sorry.
- No, it's okay.

- Hey...
- Oh, how nice.

Dear people of Shine,
welcome to your own Happy Home.

The home that makes you happy.
Here you go.

Thank you.

- Gijsje, would you like to start?
- Sure.

Vacuuming.

When we are asleep, slots in the walls
vacuum the entire home. Look.

That bear doesn't come here to hunt.

I don't get it.

- Titia never gets my jokes either.
- I get that.

If I want her to laugh on Sunday,
I have to tell my jokes on Friday.

But I guess it's my fault.

Is this just a normal click or is this...

- Or...
- You know what I mean.

I just think you're...

I think you're very... But...

I have a husband
whom I love very much...

- ...and I'm not leaving my family.
- Okay.

Okay? I'm glad,
because I don't want to turn you down.

- I think you're really...
- Oh no, no.

Babe.

You'd want to sit next to him
your whole life, wouldn't you?

Bram, this is Marjolein.

CALL IN 7 BUSINESS DAYS
FOR RESULTS

Good afternoon, this is Jasper Brantjes.
I was curious about...

- Coffee?
- I'm on the phone.

No, I'm still here.

Coffee?

If you were a guy, I'd be all over you.

But wait... What about Titia?
I was at your home.

You were at my home.
We don't live together anymore.

I only came out when I was 40.
I couldn't find my way out of the closet.

But in the schoolyard
you're still a couple.

Titia thinks that image is important.

She hadn't expected this to happen.

I love her very much,
but not in that way anymore.

- That's clear.
- I'm sorry.

There she is.

Yes?

You're at Marjolein's? She's not home?

- The pool?
- Splash.

- Picked them up at the pool.
- Shit.

- Is it good?
- Yes.

How was your day?

Nothing special.

You?

- Did they say anything?
- I'll know tomorrow.

FOR SALE

Folding the laundry
is a housewife's raison d'être.

They don't like it, they complain
about it, but they still do it.

What else would be their function?
We're not taking that away from them.

- We're making it easier for them.
- Gijsje, right?

- Yes.
- A young woman without kids.

Why wouldn't I have...

Maybe you should live a little.
Really live.

Wiping noses,
smelling teenager's rooms.

And only the ShowerPower?

Okay, guys. We're done here.

One more thing.
What are you going to do now?

No.

Fuck the house.

It really sucks,
but you did your best, right?

We'll cry about it for a week
and then we're done.

- Are you okay?
- I'm sorry.

- Gijsje?
- Yeah.

- Couldn't it be you're a bit pregnant?
- No.

- Why do you have that?
- I always have those. You know Huib.

And?

- Damn it. Fuck.
- What?

This one is broken.

Oh, my God.

Jesus, are you selling them or something?

- Oh no. No.
- Yes, yes. Yes.

Yes, yes.

I sleep with another guy one fucking time.

- You said it was fucking four.
- Yes, four fucking times.

No, Jasper could be the father.

Eighteen months nothing
and now I'm pregnant?

It happens all the time.
Everybody knows that.

Those sperm cells defend their territory
against intruders.

Then they'll swim a lot quicker.
Or was it the other way around?

Look who's at the door
selling charity stamps.

Mom, what are you doing here?

- They kicked you out?
- It'll all be okay, right, Mom?

It's just temporary.

Until you make partner.

What? No?

- We lost the house.
- Unbelievable, right?

The client said
she should live a little first.

Wipe noses
and smell teenager's rooms.

That's just nonsense. If anyone knows
how to run a household, it's...

Mom, Braxton-Hicks contractions
only start after six months.

- Here.
- No.

No.

Are you serious?

Yes.

It's so terrible.

- Maybe it isn't Jasper's.
- What?

She thought she couldn't get pregnant
because of her chlamydia,

but first Jasper's sperm
needed to be checked.

Then she had sex with her colleague
in the shower, four times.

And now she's pregnant, so...

Oh, girls...

Gijsje, I'm so proud of you.

Finally you did it with another man,
like any normal person would do.

Mom, seriously? I love Jasper.
It's just...

Honey, if we never did stupid things

we could never be proud
of the times we were sensible.

The youngest might be pregnant
with a colleague's child,

the oldest is having an imaginary baby
and the middle one loves a gay guy.

Is Huib gay?

No.

- I should tell Jasper I'm--
- You're not telling him anything.

Only that he's becoming a father.

You had sex, right?

- Yes.
- Well then.

You're having a baby
and you guys will be very happy.

Maybe it is his.
Let's just believe that from now on.

People nowadays always think they need
to share everything with their partners.

Many marriages haven't survived
because of that.

If you truly love each other,
sometimes you just need to shut up.

True.

Don't do anything crazy. Just don't.

Mom is right.
You'll kill him of you tell him.

When it comes to it,
there's only one solution: just lie.

I'm sorry.

I know you really want a baby,
but I can't give it to you.

I'm pregnant.

No, that's not possible.

The only thing I ever wanted,
is that it would have been yours.

- Good night, honey.
- Good night, Grandma.

- Sleep well.
- Good night, handsome rascal.

Sleep well.
I'll leave a light on in the hall.

- No need.
- It's for the kids, Mom.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, honey.

- Did you get some sleep?
- Yes.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, Gijsje.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi.

- What are you doing?
- I'm going to work.

Shine's final handover.

- Final handover?
- They're leaving our agency.

All projects need to be handed over.

All project numbers on lists, all...
Never mind.

Me making a mess of my personal life

doesn't mean I have to let
everything slide at work as well.

So...

She's so incredibly tough. They
don't realize what they're letting go.

No, they're such dumb-asses.
Really.

Bye.

Then the handover is complete.

I'd like to thank you
for working with us in the past.

I appreciate that.

- Good luck with--
- Hi, I'm Loes. Gijsje's mother.

I can see you thinking: "Her mother?"
I'll tell you one thing: "Wheatgrass."

I'm here because I heard you have
your doubts about Gijsje's real life.

If there's anyone who knows
how to run a household, it's her.

She was the only housewife in our home,
from the moment she could walk.

- Mom...
- Be quiet.

I worked my ass off,

because I thought that independence
was the highest achievable for a woman.

Meanwhile she made sure her sister went
to school with her hair in a ponytail,

and that we ate healthy food.

And that our beds
had clean sheets every week.

She did everything I didn't do.

Moreover, this child is very pregnant, so
how much of a mom do you want her to be?

- Sorry, guys. This really is...
- I only need three minutes.

That's all true.
Here, hold this. These are his toys.

This is way too loud, so I'd take out
the batteries if I were you.

Hi, I'm Mary Poppins' sister.

I thought: "Just a few minutes..."

- About that Happy Home...
- Well...

No one will use those gadgets.
You must understand that.

But that's not important.
Chores are just like life itself.

When you've got it organized in one end,
the chaos starts in the other.

- Nicely put.
- Just be quiet, Mom.

Shouldn't your brand represent the idea

that there's a world
without socks lying around?

That everything will be alright?
What do you think?

Hopefully not that if we put on
a Doutzen Kroes bra

we immediately have
the same body as her?

Or that when you wax your pussy the hair
stays away as long as it's suggested?

- Marjolein.
- No. What?

In my case, after a day you can already
sand a wooden table with it.

Right? But that's not the point,
because we buy that dream.

We want that. We like dreaming.
We've been doing that our whole lives.

The only thing we need
is a bit of understanding.

Understanding, yes.
A home that understands us.

And that's what we feel very happy with.

"Happy Home",
the home that understands us.

Is that Dominique?

Don't point at him.

Yes...

- You're great, Mom.
- Did you see their faces? Brilliant.

- I don't know if we were on time.
- Mom, you were great. Really.

Amazing.

No, stop. Mom, don't be silly.

- Mom, what's wrong?
- Stop it.

Are you okay? Wait.

She's okay. I've had to remove it.

- Dr. Simon, do you have a minute?
- I'll be right there.

You can see her if you want.
It's room four.

- Hey, honey.
- Hey, Grandma.

I'm sorry, Mom.

Hello.

I'm so sorry.

Who would have thought
you could get pregnant at that age.

Girls, I had a uterine fibroid.

- They put it in a jar.
- Gross.

If we plant it now, we'll have
bacon wrapped sausages this spring.

I'm sorry, Mom.

You were so happy.

Maybe I was so happy
because of the idea it was still possible.

I already have the most beautiful kids
in the world.

- A schoolyard mom.
- But one who has her own business.

A single mom who got knocked up
by just some random guy.

Fuck, I've become you.

You'll probably do better than me.

- That's not that hard.
- Yeah, I think so too.

I'm so sorry about the house.

I'm sorry. I really am.

Oh, sorry.

Hi, this is Gijsje. Yes.

- What?
- What?

Yes, I'll put you on speaker.
Listen.

Shine will stay with us.
They reconsidered

and decided that Happy Home
is a believable testament

to their promise that they understand
their target audience. Or something.

- Congratulations, partner.
- Partner.

- So the house...
- The house.

Oh, honeys.

Jasper?

I was at the office.
They said you went with the ambulance.

- A miscarriage.
- Fibroid.

Hey, Jasper.

So you're still pregnant.

Yes.

I'm glad.

What?

I want you to be happy.

Jasper, you deserve someone
who's not a germophobe.

I like things being clean.

You need to have your space
for you flight simulator and stuff.

I'm really scared of heights.

- I work all the time.
- Awesome.

Sex on a towel.

I like how it feel against my butt.

- I snore.
- Cute.

Listen.

You may be the size of a grain of rice,

but I already know
I'm going to love you to bits.

Besides, I don't want to live
without your mom.

Grain of rice,
will you let me be your dad?

- May I please be your dad?
- Yes.

"You can picture everything in your mind,
but there's only one certainty.

Nothing goes the way you thought.

Maybe it's not about
achieving what you planned,

but about how you cope
with sudden changes.

We sometimes say: 'It's all or nothing.'

But most of the times it's
'all or something'. Something different.

Life is like a trash bag.
There's always room for a little more.

Hang on. Just hang on."

HOUSEWIVES DON'T EXIST
UPLOAD, POST BLOG

HANG ON

What's for dinner?

Hey, I'm cooking.
Pork chops, delicious.

Guys, I thought we had an agreement.

- Go ahead.
- Yes, that's...

Mom, what time
do I have to be home tomorrow?

Honey?

- Can I have a salami sandwich?
- No.

Gijsje?

Gijsje, he has a dirty diaper.

I enjoy your columns.
I love that prying, your struggling.

- Very recognizable.
- Really? To you?

- That doesn't matter.
- Renée.

I'd like you to write one
every week for our weekend edition.

- Can I come back to the office?
- No.

You'll report from home.
I want the struggles from the trenches.

- Does he cry a lot or isn't it that bad?
- No, it's really not that bad.

It's a really handsome kid.

Unbelievable how he looks like his dad.
The same face.

Why is the door locked?
Will you open this for me?

- Do it yourself.
- Mom?

Jasper, will you act normal
when we get there?

- I always act normal.
- No.

I'm sorry.

Jar.

Huib, no...

Aren't you forgetting something?
Cas, daycare, Kiss, Cunt.

Honey, you're forgetting something.

Cunt, Kiss, Cas...
What's the kid's name? Kick.

Honey?

- Cunt, Kit, I don't know what his name is.
- It's Kick.

I'm sorry, I was...

Guys, this is...

...the bear.

Okay, guys. This is...

Okay, guys. This is...

Damn it.

Stop.

Marjolein. Hey.

- Cheers.
- I didn't even pour it in.

So gross.

Subtitle translation by: Jessica Rietveld