All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E44.Charlie.Does.It.For.Science.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track3_[eng]

So, Ed, my dad said
that you and he drove

down to Tijuana
for a couple days.
Little vacation?

No, I had to get
some cheap meds

and your dad always wanted
to get his picture taken

on a donkey painted
like a zebra.

I started saving
for a trip to Mexico.

- They say it's beautiful.
- Well, they were wrong.

For a country that cranks out
nothing but housekeepers,

the place is a mess.

All right, Ed.
Put a dollar in
the racist jar.

No, no, no.
That's the homophobia jar.

That's the sexist jar.

That's the anti-Semitic jar.

You'd think there'd be more
dollars in the Jew jar.

Well, there are now.
Put a dollar in.

So, Nolan,
if you're unemployed,

how are you saving
money for a trip?

Did you figure out how to sell
a vacant stare on eBay?

No, I got a job.
I'm working at French Cut.

Nolan, we've been over this.

Loitering in a lingerie
store is not the same thing
as working there.

No, it's real.
I'm a cashier.

Wait a minute.
That means you'll get
an employee discount.

And a half hour
for lunch.

We need to talk.

Is this about
the remake of "Tron"?

No. It's about letting me
use your employee discount.

Oh.

Can we talk
about "Tron" after?

Oh, sorry.
I thought session was over.

No, no, come on in.
We're just wrapping up.

See you all next Thursday.

Nolan, good luck
with the job.

And, Ed, a little tip.
It's probably a bad sign

if your pill bottle
has a worm at the bottom.

You're here 'cause you got
my message about us being
in "Psychology Today."

- Pretty great, huh?
- Are you kidding?

We can't invite the press
to see the study now.

If they don't like
what we're doing,

they could destroy
our credibility before
the results are published.

So are you excited
about this or not?

I've been burned
by the press before.

Oh, not that again.
You've got to get over it.

That review
was a long time ago.

"Lose 20 pounds"
is not something

you should say to
a nine-year-old ballerina.

Well, don't worry.
I had a lovely Skype
with Vanessa this morning

and I guarantee this will
be a very positive article.

Oh, really?
You guarantee it?

Does Vanessa also happen
to be an attractive woman?

Define attractive.

- Attractive.
- Oh, well, then, yes,
she is.

Charlie, if we are
going to do this,

it has to be for
the good of our careers,
not your penis.

Hey, hey, hey.

What's good for our careers
is good for my penis.

Oh, come on, Jordan.
Let's do this interview.

Okay, fine.
But this woman
is a professional.

Promise me you'll treat
her with respect.

I absolutely will.

When I'm having sex with her,
I'll say please and thank you.

- Charlie.
- Oh, come on.
I'm not stupid.

20 pounds?

How big were you
when you were nine?

I was more sugar plum
than fairy.

Is it fair to characterize
your study as comparing

the happiness of friends
with benefits couples

versus traditional
monogamous couples?

Yes, exactly.

And if I was to put
something in your mouth,

those words would be it.

- Charlie.
- What?

Please, continue.

Has working together so closely
on a subject like this

ever tempted you to,
you know,

take your relationship
to the next level?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Jordan, if I may.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Never, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever.

Yeah, not in the history
of the known universe.

Not even if hell froze over.

Beyond the valley
of no way.

Not even if he paid for it.

Not even if I could
afford it.

But, for the record,
Jordan is a brilliant
researcher.

Thank you.

And do not get me
started on Charlie.

- Is that it?
- Yes.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, this is she.

Yes, I have
a red tabby cat.

Yes, she's been known
to attack children.

Oh, my God.
I'll be right there.

I'm so sorry.
I have to go.

My cat tore up a--
she's sick.

No, it's okay. Go.

We'll keep talking
about the study.

And that's all.

Don't worry.
We're not gonna talk about
you behind your back.

Crazy cat lady.

- So.
- So.

The study.

Well, now with Jordan gone,
I can confide in you

that I think
to write this story,

I'm going to need to experience
your methodology firsthand.

So you want to be
hooked up to the machine?

Because that is firsthand.

And feel free to use
your second hand if needed.

When I did a story
on Tibetan monks,

I spent a month
in a monastery.

When I did a story
on kayaking,

I went down
the Colorado River.

When I did a story
on gang violence in
South Central LA,

I rented a documentary

on gang violence in
South Central LA.

I mean, I can hook you
up to the machine,

but it won't mean anything
unless you're having sex.

I know.

So you gonna bring
your boyfriend down here?

I don't have a boyfriend.

And I...

don't have
any self-control.

So this is what everybody
in the study has to wear
when they have sex?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

It's what I always wear
when I have sex.

Let me show you
how this works.

The machine, that is.
I'm sure you know
how the rest works.

If you do something
that surprises me,
I'll let you know.

Now, these register
our emotional responses
during sex.

And this is the number
that identifies which
couple we are.

XTC4U?

Totally random.

We programmed the computer
to have a sense of humor.

It cost a lot,
but it was well worth it.

So, are we all hooked up
and ready to go?

Well, we're not
totally hooked up.

There is one
input left.

Oh, yeah?
What's that?

This.

All right.

Welcome to the wonderful
world of sexual science.

Please keep your arms
and legs in the bed
at all times.

You can pick up
your picture in the gift shop
at the end of the ride.

I'm just glad
I'm tall enough to ride.

Excuse me. I'm looking
for something that says,

"I'm shy until you
get two drinks in me,
LeBron James."

Lacey, I need
to talk to you.

I need to talk to you.
What's sexier?

This or this?

I don't know.
The only way I can tell

is if I see them on you
and then you slowly
take them off.

Come talk to me when
they're paying you $60
million to play basketball

and you've got a shoe
contract and, you know what,
just don't talk to me.

Look, Lacey, my boss
just told me

the only people who can
use my employee discount

are me, family members,
or significant others.

And I don't think anyone's
going to believe you're me.

So just tell them
I'm your sister.

- My girlfriend.
- Your half-sister.

- My girlfriend.
- Your cousin.

Okay, fine, my cousin.
But we have sex.

Hey.
Sorry about that.

So what happened?
Your cat scratched up a kid?

It wasn't the cat's fault.

The kid from next door
was eating out of her bowl.

I really need
a smaller cat door.

Well, they make that cat food
look so delicious on TV.

This was bound to happen.

So how'd it go
with the reporter?

Was she in and out
pretty quick?

No, I wouldn't
put it that way.

But she got
what she needed?

Sure sounded
that way to me.

Did somebody use
the machine?

What?

According to the time stamp,

someone used this machine
45 minutes ago.

I wonder who?

Damn it, Charlie.
She's a reporter.

Is there anyone
that you don't sleep with?

Yes, there's a whole
gender I don't sleep with.

Hey, she started it.
What was I supposed
to do, say no?

- Yes!
- Well, that's just
crazy talk.

I can't leave
for one hour without you
getting into trouble.

- You're worse than Mr. Tubby.
- Don't compare me to a cat.

I'm not.
That's what I call
the kid from next door.

Has she seen
this readout yet?

No, she wanted to do
this for her story,

so I was gonna show
it to her tonight. Why?

Well, according to the activity
in her dopamine center,

this woman
is in love with you.

Which can only mean
one thing.

- What?
- The machine is broken.

What are you saying?

That a woman can't fall in
love with me after one time?

- No.
- Well, you know what?

- You don't know women.
- I do know women.

- Oh, really? How?
- I'm a woman.

Oh, please.

I am and I know this woman

and I know what she's going
to write in her article

after she sees this readout.

That all of our data
is faulty and this whole
study is a sham.

- This is terrible.
- I know. I know.

This study
is all you've got.

I've got friends, hobbies,
private practice.

You better figure
out your next move.
I'm out of here.

You are not
bailing on this.

What if this happened today?

Is there any way
that you could have
broken the machine?

Did anything get wet?

The machine,
you adolescent pig.

- No.

Okay, well, I'll get
it checked out.

But in the meantime,
don't let her see
this readout.

Give her someone else's.
Pretend it's hers.

I can't show her this.

Besides, she knows
our number-- XTC4U.

You have got to fix this
or we're screwed.

Oh, how typical.

I make a mistake,
you get mad at me,

and I'm the one who has
to clean things up.

Well, you know what, Jordan?
Your name is on that door, too.

It says Gordon.

Oh, yeah?
Well, I suppose you're gonna
blame that on me, too.

Well, you're the one that gave
them the wrong spelling.

And there it is.

It's been really fun hanging
out with you today, Lacey.

We're not hanging out.

You bumped into me
in the Apple Store,

found out about
Nolan's employee discount,

and followed me here.

I know, fun, right?

Hey, Mom,
what about this?

- Yes!
- Over my dead body.

No way.
I'll kill you.

You guys both talked
at the same time,

so I'm gonna assume
it was my mom that said yes.

- Uh, no.
- Come on.

You said you were
already wearing push-up
bras and thongs at my age.

That's because I was rebelling
against conservative parents.

If you want
to rebel against me,

you're gonna have to do
something crazy

like wear granny panties

and not sleep with all
the guys at Spencer's Gifts.

Uh-oh. All right, guys,
give me all your stuff.

If I don't leave
in five minutes,

I'm gonna be two
and a half hours late
for lunch with my mom.

- Here. I want these.
- Hello, cousin,

who qualifies for
my employee discount.

Kiss me.
My boss is watching.

We're not cousins
who have sex.

Just because society
doesn't understand our love

does not mean
it's not real.

How's it going, Nolan?

Oh, fine.

Just ringing up some
more clothes for my cousin.

You've been buying
her an awful lot
of clothes lately.

You know what they say
about women.

Bitches.

You know, I'd like
to meet your cousin.

Anyone who can wear
a 32B and a 34D

must be very
interesting-looking.

Yeah.

She's got a lot
of different-sized breasts.

Nolan, what's going on?

Okay, the truth is

this bra is for my cousin.

And this bra is for me.

For you?

That's what I went with.

That's great.
I'm a cross-dresser, too.

- You are?
- Yes.

No way.

Why else would I
work in this place?

Because you're also not
Hot Dog on a Stick material?

Anyway, we're having
a secret drag party here

tomorrow night with a bunch
of my cross-dressing friends.

- You should come.
- Oh, I would love to.

But I got to work
tomorrow night.

No, you don't.

Right, you're my boss.

You would know that.

Afternoon, gentlemen.

Wayne, I couldn't help
noticing that you're
holding a bird.

I've always loved birds.

I call her
Barbra Streisand.

Because she sings
so beautifully?

No, 'cause all
the gays love her.

Right?
Who's fabulous?

When I retell the story,
it'll be because she sings
so beautifully.

If I knew we were
allowed to have pets
in this prison,

I would have brought
my pet gun.

And my pet bag of heroin.

Pets aren't allowed
in here, Ernesto.

How'd you get the bird
in here, Wayne?

Hardest part was getting
her past the metal detector.

Why? Birds don't have
any metal on them.

No, but they do have little
metal bands on their legs

that say, "Property
of the San Diego Zoo."

All right, well,
let's talk about that.

Machines and how they
complicate our lives.
Who's got an example?

Ooh, I do.
One time I had this
wrinkled-up old dollar

and I was trying
to shove that bitch up
into a Pepsi machine--

You know what?
I'm gonna go first.

There's this
really hot reporter.

She's doing an article
on my sex study.

So we hooked ourselves up
to this EEG machine

that measures love
and then we, well,
we hooked up.

Ooh!
Here we go, here we go.

The meat.
Get to the meat, Charlie.

Anyway, the readout said
that she loved me,

which can't be true.

When she realizes
our data is wrong,

she'll write about it
and trash the study.

How many people are you willing
to kill to save your study?

None.

All right.
I got another idea.

The way I see it,
can't change the readout

so you got to change
the woman.

You got to make her
think she's in love with you,
she just doesn't know it.

That's a great idea.
But how would I do that?

I would say chain her
to a basement wall,

but that never
worked out for me.

Anybody have
any other suggestions?

That don't involve chaining
someone to a wall.

Or a toilet.

Coming.

- Hey.
- Charlie.

What are you doing here?
I thought we were meeting
at the restaurant.

Yeah, but I thought
it'd be better if we talked
about the results in private.

Plus, I wanted
to bring you these.

Flowers? Really?
That's unexpected.

- Do you like them?
- I love them.

But you didn't know you
loved them until I brought
them to your attention.

- What?
- It's okay.

Just because you didn't
know you loved something

doesn't make you
a bad person.

Why don't we go inside?

- Are you all right?
- I am great.

Let me tell you
a little story.

A long time ago my ex-wife
and I, we had this cat.

And I didn't feel
anything for this cat.

Okay.

Then one night
a coyote ate that cat

and I was
an emotional wreck.

- You know why?
- Why?

Because it turns out
I loved that cat

and I didn't even know it.
I would have known it

if it was hooked up to
an EEG and I had sex with it.

All right,
I think I get it.

- You do?
- Yeah.

I'm the cat and you
just found out

that you're in love
with me.

No, I'm the cat

and you're in love
with me.

Surprise.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Let me just show
you the data.

Okay.

Look, this is the readout.

This one's me
and this one's you.

Look how high your activity
is in your dopamine centers.

Which means I love you?

And you don't even know it.

Isn't science amazing?

Charlie, I really liked
having sex with you,

but if you think I'm crazy
enough to fall in love with
someone I just met,

then you have
serious issues.

No, no. No, no.
Falling in love with me

without even knowing me
is completely normal.

Sometimes it's even easier.

It doesn't make you crazy.

Okay, here's the truth.

Your readout
is way off base,

which means your machine
and all your data are wrong.

And I would be a terrible
reporter if I didn't put
that in my article.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.

Oh, my gosh.
I had it upside down.

I'm in love with you.

I can't deal
with this right now.
Please leave.

Vanessa.

Damn it.

I guess the machine's
not broken.

Hey, Nolan.

Oh, my goodness.
Look at you.

Yeah, I know.

It's always weird when you
see somebody outside of work.

Yeah.

That's what's weird.

Anyway, I look forward
to seeing you at more
of these parties.

Yeah, well, keep looking.

Great party.

Yup.

You get caught abusing
the store discount, too?

Yup.

Well, I figure it's worth it.

I'm getting so much tail
from chicks

who want free underwear,
it's crazy.

I'm not getting any tail.

Oh.

You look lovely.

Charlie!

Oh, hey.

I didn't see all of this.

I can explain.

Explain what?

Why would you need to explain
a bed with my face on it?

Who doesn't have
one of those?

I'm not a reporter.

Really?
You don't say.

Don't you recognize
my voice?

Welcome to McDonald's.
Can I take your order?

Holy crap.

You're the girl who gives
me my coffee every morning.

And sometimes
your breakfast sandwich.

And once a strawberry
milk shake and a buttload
of McNuggets.

I think you'd
been up all night.

It was adorable.

Well, it was nice
meeting you.

I'll send you
my new contact info.
I'm moving to Spain.

Or some other country.

Why don't you love me?!

Well, for starters,
there's the screaming.

Look at your line.

It doesn't move.

You self-centered
son of a bitch.

What did I do wrong?

Nothing.
You've done this whole

manic-obsessive crazy
thing absolutely right.

It was classic.

I'm not crazy.

I love you.

And I hope
the coyote eats me

so that you can see
how much you love me, too.

Like you loved the cat.

Vanessa, there was no cat.

There was no coyote.

But there will be
a restraining order.

One quick question.
Do you know where there's
another McDonald's in the area?

What?

You know, they got
those big signs out front.

I'll find one. Good-bye.