All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E34.Charlie.and.the.Sting.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track3_[eng]

- Hey, Charlie.
- Whatever it is, I can't
deal with it right now.

I've got a lot on my mind
and I'm about to start group.

But this is huge.

Fine.
What is it?

I'm into fat chicks.

I went to a party
this weekend

and the big girls
are awesome.

If you're holding
the dip bowl,

you're in the center
of the action.

What kind of a low-rent,
suburban shindig were you at

where they made you
hold the dip bowl?

You don't seem
happy for me.

I just spoke to Kate.

She went out
with a guy

who might give us
the grant money
for our research.

Sounds like she
came within an inch
of sleeping with him.

Wait, wait, wait.

I thought you wanted her
to sleep with the guy

so you could get the grant
to keep your sex study going.

That was only
when the guy
was a woman.

Sleeping with a guy who's
a guy is totally unsavory.

Oh, so you're okay with her
having sex as long as
it's lesbian sex.

- Well, that's totally savory.
- Right.

Ed:
What are you
blaming me for?

If you were in
better shape,

you wouldn't have
hurt your back.

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Whoa, Martin,
are you okay?

No, I'm fine.

Getting old
is tough.

My grandpa
sneezed once

and now he looks
like the letter N.

Oh, please.

He threw his back out
this morning in the park

playing chess
with the local Negroes.

Was it the chess, Ed,

or was it the running away

after you called them
"local Negroes"?

Well, what's
the big deal?

They call it
the United Negro
College Fund.

How come when I say it,

I end up hiding
behind a jungle gym?

Because, Ed,

you called the man
you were playing chess with

"Jungle Jim."

Oh.

Martin,
if your back hurts,

you could come with me
to yoga tomorrow afternoon.

I think it'll
totally help you.

No, thanks for
the offer, Lacey,

but there's
nothing wrong
with my back.

And even
if there was,

I'm afraid yoga's
a little out of
my price range.

No problem.

I've got a two-week
guest pass for
family members.

You could pretend
to be my dad.

When I was 14,
I found out my dad

was pretending
to be my dad.

I also found out
I was 16.

Please, Martin?

Sure, I'd be delighted
to play your father,

but not because
I need it,

because, you know,
I don't need it.

What's the matter?

Aren't you gonna
pick up those keys
with that healthy back?

You know me,
I like to make
a game out of life.

For example,
let's see if I can
get these keys

up and out the door,

down to the curb,
and up onto the hood
of my car

while only
using my feet.

Since when do you care
about Martin's back?

- Or anybody's back?

Or anybody?
Or anything?

- Shh. My yoga
teacher is super hot.

The only bad thing
about him is he cares
about family and karma

and all that crap.

Voilà.

Good-bye, everyone.

Are these your keys,
Grandpa?

You're not allowed
to touch them.

He's playing a game.

Oh.

Sorry, Grandpa.

Kate?

Kate?

Oh, hello, Charlie.

Leslie.

What the hell
are you doing here?

I'm taking Kate
to lunch.

We're going to
discuss the grant.

She's waiting
in the car.

Hey, wait a second.

You're the guy
in charge of the grants?

Surprise.

Your entire future
is in my hands.

You're a tool
and I don't buy
the accent.

So what did I do
to incur such wrath?

You tried to stop me
from sleeping with one
of my ex-patients.

Oh, oh, so I'm
a terrible person

because I have
morals and standards

and I try to stop you
doing something unethical?

You were trying
to screw her, too!

Let's not nitpick.

Look, you obviously
have feelings for Kate.

It must be very difficult
for you knowing that

we'll be going
on a trip together
this weekend.

Oh, really?
Where?

A sleepy little hamlet
about an hour north.

Perhaps you've
heard of it.

Pound Town.

Hey, Lis,
you got a minute?

I was just talking to
your boss about my grant.

Isn't it awful?

- What's that?
- Talking to him.

Yeah, what a dick.

I wanted to talk
to you more about that
off the record.

Oh...

I don't know
if I feel comfortable
with that.

Look, I'm not asking you
to undermine your boss.

I'm asking you
to help me dig up some dirt
so we can ruin him.

And why would I do that?

Because if we don't
do something by Friday,

Kate, that raven-haired goddess
you had a crush on,

is going to be
groped by Leslie's

pasty, British,
inbred man hands.

I think you
should probably leave.

He's a man.
A disgusting, hairy man.

Oh, stop it.

You know,
sometimes when I get
out of the shower,

I look in the mirror
and I cry. You know why?

- Uh-uh.
- Because I'm a man.

All right, all right,
all right, all right,
all right.

I'll tell you
everything,

but it's not gonna
do you any good.

Okay, he does this
all the time.

He promises women
he'll fund their research
in exchange for sex,

and then after
he sleeps with them,

he doesn't
give them the money.

What?

What kind of a lowlife
has sex and doesn't
pay for it?

Oh, my God,
here he comes.

Hi, Tyler.

Namaste.

Is that all
you're wearing?

You look like
a streetwalker.

At least
I can walk.

- Namaste.
Lacey, right?
- You remembered.

This is my father.

I brought him here
to help him heal.

Because like you said,

"Who you are on the mat
is who you are in life.

The universe
is a circus."

- Circle.
- Circle.

We have a very
close-knit family.

Sadly, her mother died
recently of a heart attack.

Probably because
she saw the way

her daughter dresses
for yoga class.

Oh, Dad.

My mom's body
was a lot like mine,

so I like to show it off
in her memory.

I think the angriest
I've ever been in my life

was the first time
I got arrested.

Understandable.

Followed by
the fourth time
I got arrested.

Also understandable.

Second and third
are both tied.

And five through 12...
whew-- kind of a blur.

But I was actually
asking everybody

to tell a story
from their childhood.

That was my childhood.

Hello, Kate?

Oh, hi.

No, no, it's not time
for my Pap smear.

Sorry, guys,
I was really hoping
that was somebody else.

What's going on,
Charlie?

You know that
woman that I talk about
occasionally-- Kate?

Robot lady.

Anyways, she's going
out of town this weekend

to have sex
with a total scumbag.

This guy promises women
grant money for sex

and then never
gives them the grant.

The problem is
I've only got 48 hours

to bring the guy down,
but I don't have any evidence.

You need to
break the law, Charlie.

Cleo's right.
You need to tape him.

Tape him?
You mean like wear a wire?

No. Tape his mouth,
tape his hands,

take him out to the desert
and dig a hole.

No.

Yes.

I'll tape him
and I'll use that
for the evidence.

Wayne:
Whatever you do,

don't wear one of those
hidden cameras

they hide in glasses.

People catch on to that

and you end up
dead in the shower
like that guy.

What's that boy's name again?

Fake-ass-glasses-
dead-snitch-Pete.

This guy have a nickname?

"John."

Hey, Saundra.
It's Charlie Goodson.

Yeah, that was
an awesome date.

Listen, I'm back
from the Sudan now.

Yeah, just put
the bags over there.

Anyway, I need your help.

There's this sketchy guy
who's tricking women
into having sex--

no, it's not me.

But I am gonna be
taping it and--

wait, hello?

Charlie,
none of these girls

are gonna do
pervy stuff with you

if you just come out
and ask 'em.

No, no, no.
It's not what you think.

There's this sleazebag
who's trying to seduce Kate,

so I'm trying to find
a way to trick him into
revealing himself.

And now you can't
find anyone to help you.

No, no. I've asked
every remotely bangable
woman I know

who could
possibly seduce...

and then I thought,
"Why not go classy?"

Would you do this
for me, Jen?

I'm gonna pass.

Oh, come on.
I really need this.

Well, I like Kate

and I don't wanna
see her get hurt.

Plus, I'm bored
out of my mind.

The old lady
across the street
invited me mall walking

and I thought,
"Maybe."

Well, you'll do it.
Great. Thank you.

Now this guy has to
really believe that
you're applying for a grant.

Can you pretend to be
a psychologist?

Well, I've been
watching you pretend
for the last 10 years.

Hey, hey, hey.

It's 12 years in June.

Hello, Lacey.
Sorry I'm late.

You know you don't
have to be here anymore.

You must have
old man stuff to do.

I'm not here
to bother you, kid.

After yesterday,
my back feels a
whole lot better.

In fact, Ed didn't
have to help me put on
my socks this morning,

which was a win-win
for everybody.

Okay, everybody.

We're gonna start slowly today
with some cat-cow stretches.

Tyler, could you
come over here and see
if my butt's doing this right?

You're doing great.

But what you wanna do
is tilt your pelvis

like this.

All right, buddy.

You wanna get your hands
off my daughter's body?

Relax, Dad.

He's just
realigning my chakras.

Most of the best ones
are in the bathing suit area.

He better stop
before I realign
his face.

Dad.

Can't you see
what he's doing?

I'll bet you he's slept
with half the people
in this class.

Hey, come on,
let's be honest.

Who of you have slept
with this guy?

You should all be
ashamed of yourselves.

I came here hoping to have
a spiritual experience

and now I feel dirty.

But not as dirty
as I was hoping to feel.

Wow.

After everything
I had heard about you,

I'm surprised you're
so funny and charming.

I say no
to a lot of people

and you know how
catty the scientific
community can be.

Oh, you don't
have to tell me.

Whenever I'm walking around
with the other scientists

in my white lab coat,

they're all,
"This scientist
is bad at science."

And I'm all like,
"Come on, guys.
Science."

I couldn't have
said it better myself.

So why don't you
tell me more

about your fascinating
little study?

Well,

I wanna study

dignity in rodents.

I'm sorry,
I thought you said
"dignity in rodents."

I did.

I wanna find out

how much they'll
sacrifice their dignity

to get something
that they really want.

I see, my little
field mouse.

Do you like magic?

Card magic?

Doesn't every woman
love card magic?

I'm actually
quite good.

- I trained under
the Great Couchelle.
- Ooh.

Here, sign your name
on this card.

And then I'm going
to fold it with one hand.

And place it
inside your mouth.

And then I'm going
to write my name...

"Leslie"...

fold it and you
are going to place it

inside my mouth.

And now
we're going to kiss.

And something magical
is going to happen.

Look at your card.

Wait, this has
your name on it.

- That's amazing!
- Thank you.

And this is yours.

And it says...

"I'm Charlie Goodson's
ex-wife."

That's amazing, too!

In a less fun way.

My office couldn't
find your bio,

so I did a bit
of research

and I saw this picture of you
sitting in the back of
a pickup truck

drinking a PBR
and I thought,

"Ooh, that's not
a titan of science."

So...

why are you
really here,
Jennifer?

I'm sorry.

I only did it
to help Charlie.

You know why
he's out to get me,
don't you?

A while back,
we were competing
for a girl named Hope

and he lost.

What?!

He's got me
throwing myself
at you

because of
some other woman?

Leslie Moore.

Didn't expect
to see you here.

That is one hot piece
of tail you got there.

Is she gonna benefit
from your special

Pound Town
endowments?

Your chips
are ringing.

Charlie, he knows!

I'm sorry, who are you
and how do you know my name?

Why didn't you tell me
this was just part

of some stupid, macho
revenge fantasy of yours?

Is that what
this snake told you?

He's not a snake.

He's charming
and smart.

And you let me
humiliate myself
over some random skank.

Come on, Leslie,
we can finish this up
at my place.

Wait, you're doing this
just to get back at Charlie,
aren't you?

- Hells, yeah!
- I'm fine with that.

I haven't had
revenge sex in years.

I forgot
how good it is.

I've never had revenge sex.
I've only ever been
the reason for it.

Charlie's
jealous of you.

That's what
makes you so hot.

I know.

What exactly was he trying
to get on me, anyway?

Something about you
having sex with women
in exchange for grants.

But don't tell me
if it's true or not.
I don't want to know.

Brilliant.

I mean, we all understand
the way the world works.

You have something
these women want,

they have something
you want.

Exactly.
It's quid pro quo.

Let's pretend
I am a scientist

and I do want a grant...
really bad.

Okay.

What would I have to do?

Would I have less dignity
than a field mouse?

Oh, good Lord, no.
I'm not a monster.

I would just--
I would just tell you

that you have to have sex
with me to get the grant.

And after that, you know,
it's good old-fashioned,

me-in-women's-hosiery-
woman-on-top sex.

Charlie, is that enough?
I'm starting to get
grossed out.

What do you think, Lisa?
Is that enough?

What is the meaning of this?

The meaning of this
is you're busted.

And I'm pretty sure
by tomorrow morning,

Lisa's going
to have your job.

Yeah, who's
laughing now?

I am.

You have nothing on me.
It's your words against mine.

Yeah, well, that's where
you're wrong, "Oliver Twit."

We've got you
admitting everything
on hidden camera.

That's not a camera, Charlie,
that's just a clock.

Well, where's
the hidden camera?

It's up on the mantle
disguised as a video camera.

- Leslie: Okay, Charlie,

give me the camera

and I'll give you a grant
to study the beaches
of Acapulco.

Forget it, Leslie.

He who laughs last
laughs best.

Oh, come on, Lisa.
One time.

Kate.

I know you hate
being wrong,

but Leslie's out, Lisa's in,
and we got the grant.

Hey, Kate.

Are you in there?

Where's all your stuff?

What's going on?

Why'd you leave a note?

You're not in there,
are you?

Maybe I should
read the note.

Okay, Charlie
is officially
20 minutes late.

And there's
nothing to eat.

Therapy snacks are
the most important meal
of the day.

All right, here's what
I could scrounge up.

A bottle of
'94 Bordeaux,

some Camembert cheese,

a tin of caviar,
and toast points.

Didn't he have

any of his usual
donuts and muffins?

Yeah.

Ahem. Hey, everybody.
Sorry I'm late.

Tons of traffic.

I thought we'd pick it up
where we left off last week.

I guess I'm going
to be the one to ask.

Do you have
any donuts?

Damn, son,
what the hell
happened to you?

Why, because you all
decided to show up early

and I'm comfortably
dressed?

You brought out my wine.
Sweet.

I probably
shouldn't drink this
on an empty stomach.

I feel like
this should be fun,

but it's not.

What happened to you?

Nothing.

Oh, Kate left.
Probably forever.

Kate?

Oh, so now you can't
finish your research study.

Oh, it goes deeper
than that.

She wasn't just
my research partner
and best friend.

We also had
phenomenal sex together.

Charlie, are you sure
you want to tell us this?

Thank you. You're right.
Too personal.

She never ran out of saliva.

But now she's gone.

She did leave me
this cool letter.

If you could
read that for me.

Try not to crease it.

I'm saving that
for my scrapbook.
Would you pass the caviar?

"Dear Charlie,

I don't like
what I've become.

I've done some
soul-searching recently--"

If Kate's out
looking for her soul,

she'll be searching
for a long time.

Okay.

"When I realized
I was willing

to have sex with a stranger
to advance my career,

it scared me.

I've lost
my moral compass--"

Kate never had
a moral compass.

She was always
heading in the direction
of self-by-self-centered.

Continue.

I don't want to.

Continue!
We're playing a game.

Yeah, never mind.

It goes on and on
like that.

Long story short,

she's moved to India
to find herself

and wants to live
in an ashram or something.

How crazy is that?

Said the man
not wearing any pants.

And, Ed,
it feels great.

Hey, anybody ever been
to a gun range?

Charlie, are you
going to be okay?

Of course
I'm going to be okay.

I just woke up from
a three-year mistake.

Look at me, I'm free.

Now I can do whatever
the hell I want to.

Ahh.

That's where those go now.

So, Ed,

last week you were angry
because you broke a shoelace.

How's that going for you?