All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E26.Charlie.and.The.Secret.Gigolo.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-alfaHD_track3_[eng]

All I'm saying is that
when you take a creature
into your home

and you feed it
and you clean up after it,

you don't expect him
to bark at you

every time you
walk in the door.

Okay, first of all,
the creature has a name.

It's Ed.

And vegetarian risotto
is not feeding me.

A meal has meat.

That's why meat and meal
are practically the same word.

You should be thankful
I'm feeding you at all.

The only thing I did
was make you think you
won the lottery.

I didn't think
you were gonna leave

the woman you were with
for over 40 years.

That's because
you never met her.

Hold on, guys.
Hold on.

Even a snake and a mongoose
can be taught to get along.

Of course, they don't have
to share a toilet.

Ed, how fast can you
get back with your wife?

I don't know.
I gotta get back
in my own bed.

My insomnia's
acting up again.

Have you tried watching
a little TV before bed?

I don't know why
he'd have a little TV

when the big ones
are so cheap now.

I usually watch TV
before bed,

but-- get this--
"Gaybraham Lincoln" here

doesn't have
a television.

And, frankly,
I couldn't be happier.

Now I'm reading
and thinking...

Well, why don't you read
the ads in the Sunday paper

and think about
buying a television?

Oops, I thought
you guys were done.

I'll just be
in the kitchen, Charlie.

Well, we're running over anyway.
What do you say we wrap it up?

See you guys on Tuesday.

Ed, Patrick, try
to be more patient
with each other.

So, like, how do you keep up
with the Kardashians

without watching
"Keeping up with
the Kardashians"?

'Cause I'm keeping up
with Voltaire.

Is he the pool boy
on "Real Housewives"?

Yes.

Voltaire, one of
the greatest writers
of all time,

is the pool boy
on "Real Housewives."

Well, I guess everybody
just wants to be on TV.

So, where's
your new boyfriend?

At home,
naked in your bed?

Rolling around
in my alimony money?

No, we did that
the other night.

Tonight, we're using it
to make a papier-mâché piñata

shaped like a jackass,
but we'll need your picture.

Jen, Sean's got no job.
He lives in your house.
He eats your food.

He's using you.
He's a sponge.

He's "Sponge Sean
No Moneypants."

No, you're wrong,
Charlie.

Sean is kind
and considerate.

And I'll tell you
more about him on the way
to bail him out of jail.

- He's in jail?
- It was not his fault.

We took the subway
to the Long Beach Aquarium,

some guy grabbed my ass,
and he punched him

in front of
an undercover cop.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Something's not adding up.

Charlie, he was
just defending me.

You would've done
the same thing.

No, not that.

There's a subway
in Los Angeles?

Yes, LA has a subway.

Do other people
know about this?

Dude, thank you for
bailing me out of jail

and for picking up the tab
at the drive-through.

My pleasure.

You know, I've never
seen any one person

spend more than 20 bucks
at a McDonald's.

Impressive.

I don't understand
what happened.

I mean, everything's
only a dollar.

You ordered 20 things.

You really don't
understand what happened?

I gotta be honest.
I don't understand
anything anymore.

I mean, come on.

Why'd I have to
go to jail?

I barely hit the guy.

How was I supposed to know
he would drop with one punch?

Yeah, the little ones
go down pretty easy.

He was,
like, 6'5", 260.

Nerds come in
all shapes and sizes.

You know what I found out
after the fact?

He used to be a linebacker
for the Chargers.

Hmm. White guy,
though, right?

Black guy.

- Light-skinned?
- Charlie!

Look, I know I shouldn't
have hit him, all right?

But he insulted Jen.

Come on. What would
you have done?

I woulda told him that
what he did was wrong

and then disengaged.

Yeah, chicks dig that.

You know what chicks
really dig?

Guys who
aren't in jail.

You smell like French fries
and crime, dude.

Take a shower.

They're not fries,
they're nuggets.

I got a bag of 'em
in my pocket

and I am gonna
eat 'em later.

Burn.

I just don't like him.

Well, you were sweet
to bail him out.

And I'm afraid the favors
don't stop there.

The court says he has to go
to anger management therapy.

Forget it, Jen.

Please, Charlie.
Do this for me.

He doesn't have
an anger problem,

so he doesn't need to
talk about his childhood

with one of those
court-ordered douchebags.

Hey, I'm one of those
court-ordered douchebags.

Wow, I really am bad
at asking for favors.

Will you look at that.
My connection's way
stronger now.

First throw.

Who lands a Frisbee on
the roof on their first throw?

A guy who wants to learn
to toss a Frisbee

so he can meet girls
in the park.

Well, screaming like one
when it lands on the roof
is not gonna help.

Dad's right.
You're hopeless.

Is this how you guys
talk about me when
I'm not here?

Yes.

Well, thanks for getting
my Internet working again.

I will see you
Thursday for dinner.

And by the way,
I recorded your call

for quality purposes, too.

And you did great.

Wait, you're dating a woman
you met on a tech support call?

She was very nice.

She doubled the speed
of my DSL...

and tested it by sending
me some surprisingly
quick-loading videos.

That's not fair.

You just break up with Kate
and you're already dating.

Yep, I'm back in.

I've been back in
for three years

and no one cares.

I'm this close
to getting a billboard.

Well, don't use
your profile picture
from Facebook.

You look crazy.

I'm trying to smile
like I know a secret.

Is the secret
that you're crazy?

- Hey, Sean.
- Hey, Charlie.

Glad you could make it.

Please take a seat
on the couch over here
with Ed and Patrick.

I was gonna watch
some videos during group.

Can I get your
Wi-Fi password?

My password, sure.

It's notonyourfrickinlife,
all one word.

Look, if you're gonna
be here, you have
to participate.

I thought this was gonna
be like traffic school.

I could show up,
sit in the back,

watch a couple car crash
movies, go home.

It's a little
different here.

There aren't
so many car crashes

as there are, you know,
train wrecks.

Hi, I'm Lacey.

- Who are you?
- All aboard.

I'm Sean, hi.

Look at you.
If I'd known
you were coming,

I woulda worn
nicer clothes.

Or fewer clothes.
It's really your
preference.

Everyone,
this is Sean.

He's gonna be joining us
for the next six weeks

because of a little
nudge from the judge.

What'd you do, Sean?

Uh, fight on the subway.
That's it.

And they sent you here
all the way from New York?

Apparently, there's
a subway in L.A.

Well, I don't know how
we're supposed to be honest

when our therapist
makes up crazy stories.

Anyway, why don't we start
where we left off last week?

Ed, how's it going
over at Patrick's?

Lousy. I'm still
not sleeping.

William "Shakesqueere"
over here...

still thinks he's
too sophisticated

to buy a television.

Yeah, well, maybe
you should read a book
for once in your life.

Ralph...
"Baldo" Emerson.

How do you come up
with those so fast?

Listen, guys, guys.
We've talked about this.

- You gotta find a way--

Sean.

Sean!

Yeah?

Sorry to interrupt your
Top 10 Bitchin' Bro Jams...

we're trying to have
therapy here.

I gotta be honest, man.

I don't really care
about their problems.

I don't know
any of these people.

I know, right?

Well, you might want
to start caring

because one phone call from me
to your probation officer

and you go to jail.

God, why are you being
so mean to him?

Can't you see
he's clearly handsome?

I don't remember her name,
but she's very observant.

It's Lacey.

Like my underwear.

All right, all right,
that's enough.

You either participate
or you're out.

Listen, if you wanna
call my probation officer,

do it, all right?
Call him.

Better yet, maybe I should
just find a different
therapist.

I think that's exactly
what you should do.

- There's the door.
- Oh, great.

That thing over there?
Perfect.

If you hadn't told me,
I would've just wandered
around here for days.

He's so funny.

By the way,
I hacked into your Wi-Fi.

Uh, so everybody knows,
his super cool password...

therapystud47.

I know it sounds like
an amazing coincidence,

but that password
came with the router.

Come on, puree
one time for Daddy.

Ed, it's 3:00 in the morning.
What the hell are you doing?

Trying to make
a milk shake,

but first I had to fix
your stupid blender.

Have you ever
connected the dots

between milk shakes
in the middle of the night

and your current
silhouette?

When I was at home,
my wife would get up

when I couldn't sleep
and make me a milk shake

and we'd sit on the sofa
and rub each other's feet

while we watch TV
till we fell asleep.

Yeah, ain't gonna happen.

I wasn't asking.

What are we
going to do, Ed?

How are we gonna
get you home?

I don't know.
It was a bad fight.

I said some awful things.

Like what?

Well, like she should
burn in hell

like every meal
she ever cooked for me.

- Ouch.
- Yep.

I told Mark that
I hated his cooking, too.

I mean, if you're gonna
kill animals for food,

at least marinate
them properly.

And then I told him
I hated his mustache.

Weird, I told my wife
the same thing.

Well, would you like me
to make you a milk shake?

I'd like that.

Then I'll tell you
the story about

the horrible cruise
I took with my wife.

What was so horrible?

I told you,
I was with my wife.

Think of the Internet
as a freeway.

Now, your old DSL only had
four lanes open to traffic,

but with
the new bandwidth,
it's like having 12.

Were you talking this way
last night at dinner?

I don't know.
I was pretty buzzed.

Oh.

Mimosa?

Sure.

I really
like this shirt.

Can I keep it?

After last night,
you can keep the house.

I just want you to know,
I have never dated anybody

I met during
a tech support call,

but I am really glad
your computer went.

I'm sorry, I'm going to
have to put you on hold
for a minute.

Please stand by.
Your booty call is
very important to us.

Coming.

- Hey.
- Oh, it's you.

Look, I have a tech person
in the kitchen

and they're not gonna leave
until I'm 100% satisfied
with the service.

You banging
the computer girl?

- Pretty much.
- Right.

Look, I'll make
it quick, all right?

Uh, I'm really sorry
about yesterday.

What I did was stupid
and I would appreciate it

if you'd let me
come back to the group.

Not gonna happen, dude.

You're not capable
of taking the process
seriously.

Try me.

All right, why'd you hit
that guy in the subway?

Because he grabbed
Jen's ass

and he said some crap
and I decked him.

That's-- I told you
that already.

What did he say?

He called me a boy toy.

He what?

He saw Jen give me
a couple bucks

and he called me
a boy toy, all right?

Look, I just--
I have some stuff in my past

that I haven't shared
with anybody

and I'm a little
sensitive about it.

Like what, were you,
like, a--

like, a male hooker
or something?

Holy crap,
you were.

Charlie, are you
gonna be a while?

Yes.

By the way, the term
is escort, all right?

Ladies, they don't
order hookers.

They order escorts.

Well, sure,
thenit's classy.

So can I come back
to the group?

- Yes.
- Thank you.

It's 100 bucks
a session,

but no kissing
on the mouth.

I'm sorry,
I couldn't resist.

We should stop them,
Charlie.

This won't be usable
in the study.

It is not representative
of married sex.

Why, because they're
enjoying themselves?

Please.

They're putting on
a show for us.

This guy's flapping around
like one of those

inflatable wind men
outside a used car lot.

Really?

Nothing
for the wind guy?

I'm sorry. I'm a little
distracted right now.

What's going on?

I've got this really heavy
piece of information

about a guy who's living
with a woman I know

and I absolutely
cannot tell you.

Well, that's your call.

When Jen's boyfriend
was in his 20s, he was
a male prostitute.

There, you happy you
squeezed it out of me?

Wow. But if it was
that long ago,

I don't see why
you're so concerned.

Because he's showing
he has no problem living
off money from women.

He's doing the same thing
with Jen right now.

I can't tell her 'cause of
patient confidentiality.

Well, Jen's
a smart woman.

She'll figure it out
eventually.

You think?

Did I ever tell you
that she once asked me
if wrestling was real?

High school wrestling.

Or she may not.

But you can't tell her.

It would be completely
unprofessional.

Says the woman who
screams out "Yahtzee!"

when her test subjects
are done having sex.

That's different.
Soundproof glass.

Well, she's gotta
find out somehow.

Ah, be careful, Charlie.

The APA takes
that stuff seriously.

They're devoted to making
sure that psychologists

are held to the highest
standard of ethics.

And, Yahtzee.

Ta-da.

Settle down.
I've already seen
your outfit for today.

No, look.

Ta-da.

You bought
a television.

Well, you started
closing the bathroom door,

so as a thank-you,
I did this.

Now you can get
some sleep.

Well, thank you,
Patrick.

I'm gonna read a book,

but you feel free
to just give it a whirl.

Man on TV:
I ain't here
to make friends.

I'm here
to show the world

that some of the best
fashion ideas come out
of Tuscaloosa.

Oh, God.
"Redneck Fabulous."

I used to love
this trash.

Woman on TV:
I've seen better clothes
on a train-hoppin' hobo.

- Woman #2: Oh, no, you di'n't.
- Woman: Oh, yes, I di-id.

Man on TV:
Ooh, that's a country
catfight right there.

Woman on TV:
Shut your stupid...

I mean, look at them.

Why would people
even waste their time
on this garbage?

I agree.

Why don't we turn this off,
make a couple of milk shakes,

and swap stories
about our exes?

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

I can't believe
Jolene is back.

And after she spit
on the other Jolene.

That bedazzled bolo
is everything.

Hey, buddy.

You're the guy who runs
trivia night, right?

Yeah.

What would it take
for you to use

these questions
instead of yours?

I'm trying to keep my ex-wife
from making a huge mistake.

Whatever they're paying you
tonight, I'll double it.

$4,000!

- Dude.
- All right.

Two hot dogs
and two beers.

- Hey.
- Hey, Jen.

Hey, Charlie.
Thanks for inviting me out.

Well, I figured
you might be bored

since Sean's out playing
poker with his buddies.

Oh, by the way,
just so you know,

he's playing
with his own money.

Really?
Where'd he get it?

Well, he sold me
a couple of his rings

and a vintage guitar.

Oh, my God.
You're a pawnshop.

Okay, everybody.
It's time for trivia night.

Ladies, if you need
some hints, I'm up front.

Dudes,
not so much.

I'm kidding.

Look, I don't mean
to put Sean down,

but what do you really
know about the guy?

I mean, like,
what did he do
in his 20s?

Question one.
"What 1980 crime thriller

stars Richard Gere
and Lauren Hutton?"

Oh, I know this one.

- "Officer
and a Gentleman."

No, Jen. It was
"American Gigolo."

Remember, he got paid
to have sex with women?

Maybe it was "Chicago."

He was great in that.

I don't know,
I didn't see it.

Was he paid to have sex
with women in that one?

No, he tap-danced.
It was wonderful.

Anyway, Sean must have
mentioned something

about his early jobs.

Next question.
"What car manufactured by Ford

was also released
by Mazda

under the name
the 323?"

I have no idea.

I know.
It was the Escort.

Maybe it was the Miata.

No, Jen.
It was the Escort.

I don't think so.

Two things
we know for sure.

"American Gigolo,"
Escort.

"What Civil War general

is best known
for his stunning defeat

at the Battle of
Chancellorsville in 1863?"

Hooker!
It was Hooker.

It's Hooker, "American
Gigolo," Escort.

There's a pattern here.

You're babbling.
I'm going to the bathroom.

Charlie, hey.
What's up?

Hey, Sean, what
are you doing here?
What happened to poker?

It was a rough night.
Took a beating.

But then I remembered
you were bringing Jen out

so I figured I'd
come join you guys.

Are these your sliders?
Can I have these?

Yeah, sure...

if you tell Jen
about the escort thing.

I'm not gonna do that
because that is
ancient history

and I already touched
this slider,

so I'm gonna eat it.

Well, if you don't
tell her, I will.

I'm not sure how
you're gonna do that

with patient
confidentiality.

This next question
is a combo.

"007 was played
by blank Connery,

and what is the world's
oldest profession?

Oh, and make it a sentence
by putting 'was a'

between 'Sean'
and 'prostitute.'"

What the hell
is your problem?

If I have to make a choice
between protecting a patient

and protecting
the mother of my kid,

she's gonna win
that one every time.

You know what?
I haven't done crap
to Jen, all right?

So why don't you
get a life

and stop trying
to make it up to your ex

for being
a cheating douchebag

for so many years,
all right?

- Crowd: Oh!

What the hell's
wrong with you?

Sorry.

I wasn't
talking to you.

Sorry.

I'm going home.

Drive safe.

This sucks
for you, dude.

Please, you threw
the first punch.
You're going to jail.

And when it gets out
that I assaulted a client
and my practice is ruined,

then whose money
are you gonna spend?

Bang.

Are you stupid?

You really think that
I'm with Jen for the money?

If that was the case,
don't you think
I'd find a woman

with a more successful
ex-husband?

Could you scoot over,
please, so I could elbow
you in the face?

Yeah, well, maybe
I'd like to see her

with a more
successful boyfriend

who doesn't blow
all her money on poker.

You're a piece of work.

You know what
I did tonight?

I won big, all right?

And I lied to you because
I wanted to surprise Jen.

There's a pile
of cash sitting on
her kitchen counter.

Twice what I owe her.
So, bang.

Another damn
trivia fight.

What kind of questions
do they ask

that drives you people
to do this?

Listen, there's no reason
to take us both

down to the station,
all right?

I-- I attacked him

and he was just
defending himself.

Really? That saves me
some time.

Let me get
those cuffs off.

It sucks
to lose your job.

I don't want to see you
have to go through it.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait.

- Sean...
- Sean: Do me a favor,
too, by the way.

Could you pick up my tab?
I ordered a bottle of Dom
and some chili fries.

Take him away,
Officer.