All language subtitles for Benidorm.S07E03.Winner.Takes.All.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

...

...

No, madam, the "do not disturb sign"

is hanging on the inside of
your door for you to use.

Yes.

You're free to leave the room
whenever you wish.

You're welcome.

Did you hear that? Unbelievable.
Ohh.

I had a man yesterday who asked me
if the beach was air-conditioned.

Well, I know the nudist beach isn't,
so I assume the Levante's the same.

Good morning. Er...

Oh, welcome to the...

The salon's very busy today.
What? Oh, don't say that.

I was hoping to nip in for a pedicure
on my lunch hour.

Is it safe to use an angle grinder
in such a confined space?

Eh?
Nothing.

Good morning, Solana.
So how can I help you?

"Hello. I was wondering if you have
any rooms free next week...

Hello? Hello?"

Paper?

Tiger, today's paper?
No, thanks.

Fancy a swim?
No.

What about a drink?
No, thank you.

You've got to crack your face
sometimes, son. You've been sulking
all day. I'm not sulking.

It's called embarrassment.
Everyone's embarrassed when
they're a teenager.

You've just got to work your way
through it. You!

I'm embarrassed about you! What are
you embarrassed about me for?
Let me think.

What did my 52-year-old father do
last night that could have

possibly have been embarrassing?
Perving over woman half his age.

And when they said they weren't
interested, getting into a fight
with them.

Which one was supposed to be
half my age? You've gotta be joking.

They were a right pair of munters.
So why were you chatting them up?

Who keeps texting you?
Auntie Terri.

You tell her she's gotta keep her
nose out of my business.

Don't believe a word she says.
It's all a load of rubbish.

Do you hear me?
OK.

Hola.

Jacqueline, we need to talk.
Oh, morning.

Morning. I've been sick with worry
all night.

Worry? What are you worried about?

You don't remember I propositioned
you last night? No. Really?

Not that I remember.
You just finished your drinks,

said you were having an early night
and went off to bed.

My God. Those two lager shandies
must've hit me hard last night.

I haven't drunk pints
since I was 18.

I think I'm a still a bit tiddly.
That is a relief.

I've been wringing my hands
all morning.

I've been up since seven as well.
Half the day's gone now.

Don't worry about it.
I've got nothing planned.

Well, I say that, I might have a dip
in the pool later on.

I don't think
I could spend another day

just sitting, staring at the pool.

I tend to get panic attacks
if I've got nothing to do.

You know, alone with my thoughts.

Glynn, I said last night, why don't
you just call your wife

and say you think this wife swap
thing was a mistake?

No, no.

She's having the time of her life.

Every time I text her
to see if she's OK,

she says she can't get enough of it.

Well, Donald is an amazing man.

I know I instigated
this whole thing,

but I can't get over the fact you're
so happy with your husband

spending time with
another man's wife. My wife.

Well, I look at it this way.

Our next-door-neighbour has a drill

but it doesn't have
a hammer function.

You know, to go into solid walls
like ours does.

So we're only too happy to let them
borrow it from time to time.

But you can't compare your husband
to an electric hammer drill.

Well, you say that, mmm...

Mateo, can you help Leslie set up
this competition

he's doing in Neptunes for tonight.

I think you need some tables from
the Hawaiian function room.

No problem.

Everything's OK?
You're looking very... fresh-faced?

What is fish-faced? Not fish face,
fresh face. You know, youthful,

boyish, bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed.

I think I understood until you got to
the bushy tail.

You haven't been to see Kenneth,
by any chance, have you?

Kenneth?
Yeah.

I notice business is very brisk for
him lately.

Most people seem to be leaving his
salon looking ten years younger.

No. I do not know about this.

Perhaps because I have a shave today,
maybe this is what you like.

My bushy tail.
Close your eyes and lean forward.

What are you going to do?
Do you like working here? No.

I'll rephrase that.
Do you need this job?

Yes. Then close your eyes
and lean forward.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to jab you in the forehead
with this drinking straw.

OK. Tell me when you
are going to do it.

Hello?

Mrs Temple-Savage,
can I open my eyes now?

Right, who's next?
It's Lorraine next.

Lorraine?

Er, Kenneth,
could I have a word, please?

Sorry, Joyce, I'm rushed off
my feet.

Fine. I'll just go and check
your electricity supply,

make sure there are no imminent
blowouts. That's blackmail.

Actually, you're in luck.
I was due a fag break anyway.

Back in five minutes, ladies.

Kenneth? Kenneth!

Unbelievable.

Come on, we'll have to go outside.
Hang on. This won't take a minute.

I need to know what you're doing in
there. Well, what we always do.

Hair and beauty. Then why are you
all dragged up like Dr Kildare?

Who? Kenneth, I need to know
what's going on in my hotel.

Head Office have been on the phone
and I can't stall them any longer.
Head Office?

Crystal Hennessey-Vas herself.

Well, we've started to diversify.
Well, go on.

Waxing, eyelash tint,

a bit of Botox.
Botox?!

I knew it. Don't you need a licence
for that? Shh!

Keep your voice down.
I'm sorry, Kenneth,

I cannot allow back street Botox
on my premises.

This kind of thing has to be
administered by a licensed Medical
Practitioner! All right.

Don't get your knickers in a twist.
I'm not exactly Vera Drake.

I don't see how I can keep this
from Head Office.

How many do you want?
I beg your pardon?

How many free Botox sessions
do you want?

Do you honestly think my loyalty
to the Solana Group

can be paid off with free Botox
injections?!

Three sessions. Five.
Half-past seven.

Six o'clock.
I'll see you there.

Come on, hurry up, the clients are
starting to turn ugly.

I know. Why do you think we're doing
this in the first place?

Right, we better start thinking about
a bit of lunch.

A little light salad, I think. Got to
get back to my fighting weight.

Yeah, go on, I'll have
a salad as well.

Two ensaladas mixtas... coming up.

Actually, you better make
that three. It's bleedin' boiling.

Well, take your coat off?
Then I'd have to carry it.

Shut your mouth, Clive, you're
catching flies. What the bleedin'
hell are you doin' here?

I'm on my holidays.
Did you know she was coming?

She texted me from the airport,
but you told me not to believe
anything she says.

I got free air miles with
my Braun intimate lady shaver.
I got out the bath last night,

was giving my growler a short, back
and sides, when I thought, "I wonder
if them air miles are still valid?"

Oh, my God.
And here I am. Surprise.

Here, Ti, give us hand with my case.
Room 382.

You go on ahead. I can't walk fast
cos I've got a bit of stubble rash.

It's making me walk like John Wayne.

Come on, sweetheart.

It doesn't hurt, it's just like four
or five injections into your face.

Maybe nine or ten. No, son,
I don't think Botox is for me.

Tsk. The thing is, I'd be worried it
took all the character out my face.

Maybe just take a bit of character
out of your face.

What, and be just like all the other
women walking round Benidorm?
No chance.

Where do you want this? Oh, good
lad, I've been waiting for that.

Can you man the bar while I sort
my questions out for tonight?
Sure, no problem.

Mateo, tell my dad that Botox
doesn't take all the character out
of your face. Botox?

I do not know anything about Botox.

Right, then, I'd better be off.

Don't forget,
big darts quiz night tonight.

I'm calling it Arrows and Answers.

I'll see you later.

What happened to your client
confidentiality?
It's a bit pointless when you're

a 45-year-old man with a face like
a 12-year-old trapped in a wind tunnel.

Hey, move out of the way.
Move out of the way.

What happened?
Are you friends with this woman?

No, but she's my sister.
Oh, my God, what's happened?

She has been hit on the head by
a falling lemon. Falling from where?
From a lemon tree.

The only tree round here
is a palm tree.

No, this is a lemon palm tree.

It's exclusive to Benidorm.
It didn't hit her on the head, it
hit her in the face.

How does a lemon fall from a tree
that high and then turn a corner to
hit somebody in the face?

I was once poked in the face
with a banana

at a wedding reception in Dewsbury.

That seemed to go round a corner.
It nearly took my eye out.

What happened?
What happened to me?

Where am I?

Oh, hello.

Who are you?

You're fit as.
Oh, my God. She's hallucinating.

My name is Mateo.

You have had a tragic freak accident
where no-one it to blame.

Do you feel OK?
What did you say your name was?

My name is Mateo. Mateo...

Mateo...

Are you feeling OK?
No, not really.

Can you describe your symptoms?
Well, for a kick-off,

my Aunty Mary's twitching like
a rabbit's nose. Right, that's it.

There's nothing wrong with her.
Let's get her up.

Nothing wrong with her?
She's got a massive black eye.

What's going on? Is everybody OK?

There has been an accident.

I think they call it
a "force of God".

You know, where there are
no responsibles.

Get someone up that palm tree to
pull the rest of those lemons off.

They're a death trap.
Mateo, Mateo.

I want Mateo.

What exactly happened? I think
the lemon fall from the tree.

Maybe. It hit the woman in the face.

You mean this waxed lemon fell from
that palm tree

and hit that woman full in the face?

It is a mystery.

Take this lemon and put it with
the fruit in the bowl,

which just happens to be sitting on
your bar,

and let us hope, for your sake,
the woman that got hit in the face

with the lemon does not solve
the mystery.

Because that would put you
out of a job.

What's going on? Closing early. I'm
afraid we've run out of supplies.

A victim of our own success, you
might say. What do you mean?
I've got an appointment at six.

Are you deaf? We've sold out.
Haven't we, Liam? Completely.

We've gone through more needles this
week than a crack house at
Christmas. Now listen to me.

We had a deal.
It's not shampoo we've run out of.

I can't just send Liam out to the
Chinese shop to get a bag of Botox
now, can I?

We could always borrow some off
Herbert. There you go.

We can borrow some off Herbert. You
don't even know who he is. I know I
don't, but he's got spare Botox.

Shh! Keep your voice down, will ya?
Look, why can't you just wait
until Monday?

What are you talking about? My face
is dropping with every passing
second. She's got a point.

Thank you!
For God sake.

Look, just go to Herbert's and ask
if we can lend three or four boxes.
Three or four boxes?

I'm not that bad!
Calm down. They're not all for you.

I'll be in the Piccadilly Bar having
a well-deserved pint. We'll give you
a shout when we're ready.

I hope you're not going to have a
drink before injecting into my face?

I was thinking of getting
completely hammered

and putting you up in front of the
dart board for that quiz tonight -

then trying to score 180 in your
forehead with three hypodermics.

He's joking. We'll give you a shout
when we get back.

So, basically, it's teams of two is
what we're looking for.

One dart player and one quiz player.

Now we've only got
space for four teams.

So come on, don't be shy.

We've got to get started after
this next number.

Are you any good with arrows?

Arrows?
Darts.

Because I'd probably have
somebody's eye out.

Mind you, I'm not that good at
general knowledge either.

I mean I love my puzzle books,

but without Donald I wouldn't know
the capital of Paris.

The capital of France?
I don't know that either.

Come on, you throwing the darts,
me answering the questions.

Weren't you once in
a women's darts team? Not quite.

A men's darts team? Dad, I'm putting
our names down. Yeah, whatever.

You could still be concussed,
you know that?

You should be in bed.
I intend to be,

and not on my own.

Hola. How are you feeling?
Oh, not too bad, thanks.

I didn't put any makeup on my bruise
cos it hurt too much.
You must think I look horrendous.

Yes, but you cannot see the bruise.

Any drinks?

Yes, same again. I'll be up there
with the quiz. OK.

I think he likes you.

Now come on, ladies and gents,
I know there's no prize

but it's only a bit of fun.

There must be two more people out
there than wanna play?

No?

Cos I'm gonna start with
the questions. Nobody else?

OK, well, the facts...

Jesus! What the hell was that?

You could've taken somebody's
bloody eye out. Who was that?

You've got your final team,
my friend.

Geoff Maltby,

aka The Oracle.
And I'm Noreen. I'm his -

And she's my PA!

Let's do this. Hit it, Darren.

♪ You're simply the best

♪ Better than all the rest

♪ Better than anyone

♪ Anyone I've ever met

♪ I'm stuck on your heart

♪ I hang on every word you say

♪ Tear us apart

♪ Baby, I would rather be -
Easy! Easy!

Easy!

Calm down, fella, it's only a game.

No, my friend,

believe me,
it's never "only" a game.

Ohh.

Where have you been? I told you I was
going to the Piccadilly.

I didn't think you'd still be there.
It's been ages. Tell me about it.
I've exhausted my repertoire.

I did A Wonderful World, Little
White Bull. I texted you to see if
you wanted to do

Cinderella Rockerfella
but you never replied.

Are you drunk? No, I am not. How dare
you! I've had three or four pints.

Three or four pints?
Ooh, give us that here.

The Wicked Witch of the West
will be here soon,

wanting her face pumped with poison.
Oh, I haven't seen these before.

How much did Herbert charge you?
They're not from Herbert. Who are
they from? Curl Up & Dye? No.

Julie's? No. They're not from Benny,
in the indoor market, are they?

She'll have mixed these up herself.
I got them from the Chinese shop.
What?

I was taking the piss when I said
that. I know, but I've been
everywhere else and nobody had any,

so I thought it can't hurt to ask,
and they gave me these. It's not
actually Botox,

but it'll do the trick.
How much were they?

How much do you usually pay?
I can't remember.

About 80 euros a box?
Four euros. Four euros?!

Per box. That's four boxes, 16 euros.
But I haggled him down to ten.

Liam!

Right, if you don't do this now,
I'm cutting off your water.

Well?

Take a seat.

Come on, fella, you're holding up the
quiz. You don't understand, do you?

It's not me against them,
it's me against the board.

I'm psyching the board out.

Can you do it a bit quicker, or we'll
have a riot on our hands.

Whoo!

Yes!

One hundred and eighty!

Get in!

Get in! Easy! Easy!

Easy! Easy!

Is this guy for real? He had
a few sugary drinks on the plane.

You must've been giddy t'first day of
your holidays. Yeah, when I was 12.

OK, that's the first round to Geoff.
The Oracle. Oh, sorry.

The Oracle.

And the question is

general knowledge.
You're in for 180 points.

"Philip Treacy is most famous for
designing what?" Oh, heck now.

Let me think. Um...

No, he'll have to do it again. I
mean, can I have the question again?

"Philip Treacy is most famous for
designing what?"

I think...

...the answer is cats.

Does Treacy Philips design cats?

It's actually Philip Treacy.

But is cats your final answer?

Are you all right?

Yeah, thanks.

Yes, cats, final answer.

I'm sorry, that's the wrong answer.

But I can hand it over.
Is it hats? It is indeed.

28 points scored. OK, second round.

Clive to throw first.

Go on, Dad, go on.

Two.

Three.

Another two. Seven scored. Pfff...

Don't be afraid of using the top half
of the board, fella.

I can always pull them out for ya.
Cheeky bastard.

...

Your drinks.
Here, does my eye look a bit wonky?

What is "wonky"?
You know, a bit dodgy.

Everything's a bit blurred.
Can you have a look?

No. I think it's OK.

I might have to go and have
a lie down.

Room 382. The thing is, I haven't
got one of them signs for the door.

Do you know what I mean?
Do you think I might be disturbed?

What, do you mean like crazy?
It's not for me to say.

No. I mean without the sign on
the door, what are the chances

of someone entering my...
private space?

Room 382.

Don't worry, the hotel is very safe.

There is almost zero chance of any
person entering your private space

for the whole of your holiday. Yeah.

The story of my life, mate.

You had to score a one there,
Barry. Unlucky.

Clive's up next.

Bloody hell, that was fast.
Let's have a look.

25, ten, and another 20. 55.

Puts you in the lead. Good on you.
Danke schon.

Right, Geoff's next.

He's scoring big, but his team-mate
just can't seem to cope with
the answers.

Do you mind?
Sorry, sorry.

Just settling now.

55 to beat. What is wrong with you?
Why do you keep talking?

I'm just doing what they do on
the telly. Don't. Just shut up.

And while we're at it, can we have
a bit of order, please?

For God's sake, how am I supposed to
concentrate with that racket
going on?! Hey?!

Thank you.

Well, that's too quiet now!
You're just taking the piss!

No, mate, it's you that's taking
the piss. Just throw your darts!

I'll chuck 'em when I'm good and
ready. You're holding it all up.

You know what the problem is with
my son, don't you?

Mm, he's an idiot?
No.

Well, I suppose that's consumptive.

No, his problem is
he was born too soon.

How do you mean? Well, these days
they have untold numbers

of conditions. Asperger's, autism,

ACDC,

but when our Geoff were a lad, well,

he was just annoying.

Are we playing this game or what?

Aye, if you tell Penfold here
to calm down. Well, you started it!

All right, game on.
The Oracle to throw.

55 to beat.

That's five scored.
Come on.

Agh!
And another five.

Come on, Geoff. Keep it together.

Yes!

♪ You're simply the best -
60 scored.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!
# You're better than all the rest...

Easy! Easy!

OK, that's 70 scored. Easy!
If we can have a bit of order
we'll have the question.

Noreen, how many wings
does a butterfly have?

Oh, now I know this one because
it's a trick question, isn't it?

Not really.

A butterfly has no wings.

Is that your final answer?

No wings, final answer.

I'm sorry, the answer's four.

A butterfly has four wings. Ohh.

I was thinking of a caterpillar.

Un... believable.

Yes, my friend? Tonic water, please,
with just a touch of lime.

That ain't gonna get you merry
in this place. Ooh, I never touch alcohol.

I once drank so much when I was 16
that I had to have my stomach pumped.

Horrendous experience.
You get used to it.

Just the tonic water, yes?
Yes. No, no,

a large Harvey Floorbanger with
an extra toffee vodka shot, please.

Oh, for a friend.

How are you feeling?
Eh?

The incident today, when you got hit
in the face with a lemon.

I inadvertently recorded the whole
thing on my phone
if you wanted to have a look?

I've seen enough videos of me
falling arse over tit, thanks.

I can't think one of me doing it
sober's gonna be much different.
You've obviously forgiven him.

Forgiven who?

"Argh!"

Oh. Oh dear.

Thank you very much.

Something for you? I'll have
a vodka and Coke, no lemon.

I've heard they can be
lethal in the wrong hands.

Ooh, yes, we've got
a lot of lines to fill in here.

She looks like a road map
of North Wales.

I think we're gonna
need more than one session.

More than one session? I think we
need a foot pump. Do you mind not
discussing me like a piece of meat?

This is the free consultation.
Free?

How many people actually pay you to
psychologically rip them to pieces?

We have to assess the condemned
building before to try to unpin
the foundations.

Will you just get on with it?

She's right, you know, we're wasting
valuable supping time.

Liam,

let the magic begin.

Argh! What the bloody hell's
the matter with you?!

I haven't gone anywhere near you yet.
It's a needle. What about it?

I'm scared of them. Ohh! So why have
you booked in for a course of Botox?

Because I thought my eyes would be
closed. Well, then, close your eyes.

I can't now I've seen you holding
a needle. Close your eyes!

Argh!
That was just my hand. Sorry.

Right, forget it. Please, please.
Have you got something

I could bite onto,
like a piece of wood?

You wanna bit onto a piece of wood?
We're not sawing your leg off.
I could do my lullaby.

What lullaby? When I was a teenager I
used to sing a lullaby to my sisters

to send them to sleep.
She's hardly a baby.

They were 22 at the time.
Ooh, God, the mind boggles.

Right, get on with it.

♪ Go to sleep, go to sleep

♪ Close your big bloodshot eyes

♪ Go to sleep, go to sleep

♪ The sandman waits for you

♪ Da-da dum

♪ Da-da dum... ♪

That's 20,
which makes a total of 100

to take the fifth round.
Come on.

Noreen, your question is on
ancient history.

Oh, for God sake! You've just asked
him where do the Wombles live?

There's no consistency. I'm sorry,
I'm just reading the questions as
they come out.

"Archaeologist Howard Carter is most
famously credited

with discovering what?"

Howard Carter...

He's cheating. What are you talking
about? I'm just standing

with my arms crossed.
Who crosses their arms like that?

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
best of order, please.

Noreen, do you have an answer?

Um...

Howard Carter...

Was he the one who needed a wash
in Take That?

No, I'm sorry.
He discovered Tutankhamen's tomb.

Howard Carter I mean, not that young
lad from Take That.

Hang on. Weren't you meant to be
throwing these questions over?
It's too late now.

The next question is for Tiger and
it's on television.

"What is Del Boy's surname?"

Trotter.
Yep.

Nah, nah, I'm not having that.
No way.

What are you doing? It is Trotter,
that's the right answer.

What are you doing?
That is enough. You're no longer
in the competition. It's a fix.

Have you heard the questions they've
been asked? Come on, son, let's sit
down and have a drink.

Come on, come on.

I want to speak to the manager.

This is a bloody disgrace.
You've not got a clue, none of you.

Look, man,
I'm just reading the questions.

I'm just reading them off the paper.

It's wonderful. You look ten years
younger. I must admit, I do feel
rather...

Oh, my God!

Waaaa!

Right, that's it. The quiz is over.
I knew this was a bad idea.

It is him, the mama's boy, he's
causing the trouble.

She's not my mum,
she's a business associate.

Please, could we finish the quiz?

We came a day early because we saw
it on the website.

I'm sorry, I can't have
any more trouble.

No more trouble. Please, I promise?

Get this wound up -
and get the karaoke on.

Sit down. Ohh.

Mrs Temple-Savage, are you OK?
I'm fine. Come on,

get it wrapped up.

OK, this is the final round -
and it's all change.

Would all contestants please swap
places with their partners.

You've gotta be joking!
Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Sit. Sit.

All right, Kathy to throw first.
Game on.

She's coming over here.

Excuse me.
My face feels rather strange.

Of course it does. Everything
feels strange the first time.

Even you must remember that.
A bit of tingling in the face is
very common.

Yes, but you injected me
in my forehead

and I can feel it in my neck.

Let's face it. A bit of tightening
around that baggy old gizzard isn't
gonna do you any harm, is it?

No offence.

None taken, I'm sure.

Right, sup up.
Where are we going?

Anywhere.

I do not know what to say. It was an
accident. I might have brain damage.

And you think being hit in the head
with a lemon will make it worse? No.

I mean you might have caused it.
Do you know, in my family,

we have a saying.

"A lemon in the face is better
than... a toad in the hole".

That's quite a specific family
saying. Si, claro.

My mother, she's very wise.

We've got quite a wise saying
in our family an' all.

"Where there's blame, there's
a claim". Please, you do not understand.

I could lose my job here.
I don't want you to lose your job.

But I reckon I am due some sort of compensation.

Please, I have nothing.

Look, my trousers, they are empty.

I very much doubt that.

How are you this evening?

I beg your pardon?

I said...

I think she said, "I trust you're
both enjoying your evening."

Oh, right. Very good, thank you.

Ah.

There's not a ventriloquist on
tonight, is there?

...

So now we've got a Tiger for Clive.
31 to beat.

Just settle in now.

What do you think you're doing?

Sorry. You can take that one again,
son, if you want to.

But it is a treble 19.
Oh, wicked.

What do you think you're doing?
I thought it helped you. Of course
it don't help me, you dick.

Come on, ladies. Do you mind saving
this little domestic till later?
We've a match to finish.

And that's a one. 58 scored.

Noreen, you need 59 or more
to take the final round. Oh, 'eck.

I don't think these are the right
glasses for this sort of thing.

Right, here we go.

Bloody hell! Do us all a favour,
love, and find the other glasses.

I think I've left my readers
in my room.

Come on, get on with it.
Just concentrate, look at the board.

It's here where you want to be,
in the treble 20.

You're the right height, just about
3'2" wide. Like mother like son.

She's my PA.

Right, that's it. You're gonna have
my eye out with the next one.
Hang on.

Hang on.

What the hell is he doing?

Right, throw it at my head.
What? Hang on a minute.

Throw the dart exactly the same but
at the top of my forehead.

Give me the dart,
I'll throw it at his head.

Don't think about it, just do it.

59 to take the round.

Yes! Yes! Come on.

That's 64 to take the final round.

Your question is on pop music.
Huh. Bring it on.

OK.

"1960s piano playing legend
Gladys Jordan

was better known as who?"

Um...

This is easy.
Shut up.

I must hurry you, Geoff.

Can I hear the question again,
please?

"1960s piano playing legend Gladys
Jordan was better known as who?"

Even I know this one.

I'm gonna have to press you
for an answer.

I've got it. It's a trick question.
The answer is Liberace.

You think Liberace's real name is
Gladys Jordan?

I'm sorry, Geoff, that's not
the answer I've got on the card.

I can throw it over to Clive.
Mrs Mills.

Invalid question. Invalid question.

Piano solos
cannot be categorised as pop songs.

Oh, I think you're splitting hairs
now, son. This is just rubbish.

Where are the proper questions?
Somebody ask me any of the names

of the 44 presidents of
the United States.

Go on, ask me.

Number six, John Quincy Adams.

Number 19, Rutherford B Hayes.

35th, John F Kennedy.
All right, all right, that's enough.

What is the chemical element symbol
for mercury?

Hg. What is the longest river in
Europe? The Volga.

Who was the youngest person to ever
have won Wimbledon?

You don't know, do you?
Charlotte Dod, 1887!

Come on, son. Let's try and be
magnanimous in defeat.

Defeat? It's a joke.
It's null and void.

Look. Look!

It's not even a real dart board
anyway!

Look!

Look!

Pah! I am The Oracle!

Hear me roar!

RAAAAAAAAR!

Security up here, please.
Mario, Kenneth, anybody!

What do you think you're doing?

Are you feeling all right,
Mrs Temple-Savage?

I'm not that sure I am.

Darren, get some music on,
get over here.

Give me a hand to get her outside.

♪ LOU BEGA: "Mambo Number Five"

Get one on either side.
Get her out in the fresh air.

♪ Mambo number five...

Come on, son,
let's have an early night.

You!

♪ You take one step left
and one step right

♪ One to the front
and one to the side -

Come on!

♪ Clap your hands twice -

Hurry up!

This place is an absolute nuthouse.

I must say, there's never
a dull moment.

Jacqueline, I think if I have one
more day incarcerated in this hotel,

I may just go insane.
Well, the thing is,

it's all-inclusive here.

Well, we don't usually bring
any money out with us.

I'm taking you on a day out tomorrow.
Oh, Glynn.

Oof. What do you reckon was wrong
with that geezer?

He's what's commonly known
in the medical profession

as a big fat nutter. Oh, talk of
the devil. Where have you been?

Just been claiming a bit of compensation.

What's that mean, compensation?
From who?

Turns out it was that barman who
threw the lemon and knocked me out.

You won't get nothing out of him. He
tried to rip us off last year.
Oh, don't worry.

He's already paid in full. And I
think if I play my cards right,

he might give me another instalment
tomorrow night. Ohh.

Euw...

Here you go, son.
A nice cup of Horlicks.

Where did you get that from?

I brought it with us. You see, you
can always rely on your old mam.

Now, have you taken your tablets?

I don't want you getting all upset again.

Dr Lumis gave me spare bottle, you
know, for your panic attacks.

They're not panic attacks.

People don't understand what it
means to be a tortured genius.

You're like your father.

On our last holiday,

as we went through Customs,

he shouted, "I have nothing to
declare but my genius."

Wild.
Wild?

He were furious.

They found 2,000 ciggies
and a novelty lighter

in the shape of a hand grenade.

Oh, it feels funny us having
separate apartments.

Do you want me to pull out a Z-bed?

No, Mother. I'm 40 years old.

I'll be fine.

All right, son.
See you in the morning.

See you in the morning.

Do you want me to leave the light
on in the other room

and this door ajar

just as a nightlight?

Yes, please.

Good night, son.
Good night.

subtitles by Deluxe

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