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1
00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:42,240
These sun beds are never-ending.
2
00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:45,240
You really shouldn't
be doing this at your age.
3
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:49,000
Is there no-one to help you, Dad?
Not really.
4
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:52,400
With all these cutbacks we seem
to be permanently short-staffed.
5
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,440
I'm the only one putting out
these leaflets for Blow & Go.
6
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:56,920
Kenneth's been no help at all!
7
00:00:56,920 --> 00:01:00,360
I know you're busy but what about
a helping hand? Aw! Thanks, Dad!
8
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:03,640
That's very kind of you.
I'll see you later.
9
00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:07,000
No, I meant...
10
00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:11,480
Oh, bloody hell!
11
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:15,800
♪ FRANK SINATRA: Come Fly With Me
12
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:19,760
♪ Come fly with me
Let's fly let's fly away
13
00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:21,760
Oh, for crying out loud!
14
00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:26,760
♪ If you can use some exotic booze
15
00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:29,960
♪ There's a bar in far Bombay
16
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:33,720
♪ Come fly with me
Let's fly let's fly away... ♪
17
00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:46,040
Oh, my God.
I am never drinking again.
18
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:50,600
Ohh...
19
00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:00,200
Zack?
20
00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:03,200
Zack, are you in the bog?
21
00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:10,480
What...?
22
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:18,600
What's 'taught' mean?
23
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:25,800
This one is Terra Mitica,
is like theme park.
24
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:29,080
You like exciting rides?
Not really.
25
00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,680
Excuse me, I've got an emergency.
26
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,200
OK, then maybe this one for you.
27
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:38,520
Aqualandia, is a water park.
You like to get wet?
28
00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:41,720
No, my friend's allergic to water.
How can this be?
29
00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:43,880
Is anybody else here?
I've been robbed!
30
00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:45,360
Please have some manners!
31
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:52,320
For this one I can arrange discount
for the very prettiest girls.
32
00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:54,880
Give me your number and I call you.
33
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:58,200
Why don't you go? They do a discount
for pensioners as well.
34
00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:00,080
What?
35
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,040
Mate, please, can you help me?
36
00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:06,680
What is that written on your head?
I don't know. I woke up like this.
37
00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:09,440
Can I use your phone to call the UK?
Are you crazy?
38
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:10,800
I am on Pay When You Go.
39
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,720
Not your mobile!
I mean the hotel one.
40
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:16,600
I've been robbed.
Everything's been taken.
41
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,680
My phone, wallet, money,
credit cards.
42
00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:21,280
Is there any way I could
use your phone please?
43
00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:22,520
What's going on?
44
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:26,200
Mateo, apparently the pool
is covered in leaflets.
45
00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:27,560
Could you sort it, please?
46
00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:30,960
Joyce Temple-Savage,
Solana manageress, can I help you?
47
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,600
He wants to use the phone.
48
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:36,200
I did not realise we are labelling
all the guests in-du-vidually.
49
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:39,400
Is a good idea.
Mateo, the pool!
50
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,160
I need to use your phone.
51
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:47,600
Please?
52
00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,680
We've overslept!
53
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:25,560
There's only 15 minutes
of breakfast left.
54
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:27,920
I'm gonna have a shower later.
55
00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:30,800
Do you want me to save
you a sausage bap?
56
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:35,800
No, no, I'll be down in a minute.
I just need to rinse my contacts.
57
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:39,000
Glynn, I'm over here!
Oh, right.
58
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,800
See you in a bit.
59
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:53,800
Come on, come on!
60
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:02,480
Clive's phone.
61
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,720
Who's that? Is that Auntie Terri?
62
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,840
What have I told you about calling
me auntie? You are my auntie.
63
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,760
I don't look old enough
to be your auntie.
64
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,840
You look old enough to be my gran!
Where's my dad?
65
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:15,800
Gone up the offie for me.
I'm still bad with my legs.
66
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:18,640
What's he doing at your house?
He hates you!
67
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,560
I forgot my mobile.
68
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,760
It just rang. I think it's Tiger.
69
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,720
Tiger?
Dad, can you send me some money?
70
00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:29,080
What's going on?
71
00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:32,360
I lost my wallet, cards, everything.
I need a couple of hundred euros.
72
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:35,680
Can't your mate lend you some?
He's the one who took my wallet.
73
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:37,440
What's he saying?
Shut up.
74
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,680
Dad?
I'll come out to you.
75
00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:41,400
What?! No!
76
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:45,520
I mean, I don't want you and my mum
being dragged out here.
77
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:47,640
I just need some money.
78
00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:49,920
I never said your mum. I said me.
79
00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:51,440
They've had a row.
Shut up!
80
00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:53,520
She's chucked him out.
Go in the other room!
81
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,320
No, I won't, this is my house.
82
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:59,040
She found knickers in the Land Rover
and they weren't your dad's!
83
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,600
That's absolute drivel
and you know it, Terri!
84
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,360
She didn't throw you out
for nothing!
85
00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:05,320
I am trying to talk to my son!
86
00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,560
What did she just say?
What's going on?
87
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:11,680
I'll get the next flight out there.
I should be with you by tonight.
88
00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:14,080
If I can't get a flight today.
I'll ring you.
89
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:16,760
Dad, why are you at Terri's?
What's going on?
90
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:18,040
I'll explain later.
91
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,920
What am I gonna do for money
until you get here?
92
00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:25,440
Two words, son, "all inclusive".
93
00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:27,200
I'll speak to you later.
94
00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:32,280
You really don't let the truth
get in the way of a good story!
95
00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:34,600
Did you get my vodka?
Get it yourself.
96
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,680
Where you going?
Luton Airport!
97
00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:40,040
Bastard!
98
00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:41,560
Three hours!
99
00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:45,600
Three hours on the coach to get from
Alicante to Benidorm!
100
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:46,800
Here we go again!
101
00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:50,080
They dropped that last couple off
in Bridlington before we got here.
102
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:52,960
Don't exaggerate!
Why did they drop us off last?
103
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:54,880
The coach went past here
three times.
104
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:58,240
I'll tell you why, Jonah Lomu here
was elbowing people in the gob
105
00:06:58,240 --> 00:06:59,720
trying to get on the coach first.
106
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,800
It should be first, in first out.
How many times did I tell you?!
107
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,840
If your bags go in the coach first,
they're the last ones to come out!
108
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:08,400
It's blatant racism.
How was it racism?
109
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:11,000
Everyone on the coach was British!
The driver wasn't.
110
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,000
Oh, for God's sake.
111
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,000
Mrs Harvey!
Welcome back to paradise!
112
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:19,240
Is everything all right? Your coach
should have been here first thing.
113
00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:21,560
Don't set her off!
Can I have your passports?
114
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:25,240
Oh, now...
There's been a fax for you Mrs H.
115
00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:28,080
A fax?
Aye, some solicitors or something.
116
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:31,440
I didn't read it, of course,
but it did sound important
117
00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:32,920
especially the bit at the end
118
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:36,080
where they say they've been trying
to track you down for three years.
119
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,360
Three years?!
120
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,240
What's all this about, Mam?
121
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,720
It's nothing.
Christ, what has she done now?
122
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,640
I've not done anything!
Just mind your own business.
123
00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:46,960
Can you hurry up with these rooms?
124
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:50,480
If something's up, tell us.
Can you just leave me alone?
125
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:53,400
I'll go.
I'll come with you.
126
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,760
Oh no, don't worry about me!
127
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,800
I'm fine to sort
everything out here.
128
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:15,560
"Dear Mrs Harvey,
we are contacting you
129
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:18,680
"as the only surviving relative
of Mr Melvin Churchill Harvey."
130
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:23,240
"This case has been open for several
years now", blah blah, here we go.
131
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:26,840
"There has been considerable expense
in researching this case
132
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,920
"but we are willing to come
to an arrangement
133
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,920
"by payment of a percentage of
any monies recovered..."
134
00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,720
It's just a scam letter.
What did you get so upset about?
135
00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:36,040
It's just not nice!
136
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:39,120
People using your dead husband's name
to try and get money out of you.
137
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,440
No, it's not,
and fancy sending it here!
138
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,560
Let's have a look.
That's what's upset me.
139
00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:46,080
I've had two letters at home
but I ignored them.
140
00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:50,920
Well, getting something here,
it's like they're following me.
141
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:53,120
It says, "You are the only
surviving relative
142
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:56,040
"to the Collins family
of Tucson, Arizona, USA."
143
00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:59,520
That's just rubbish! How can I be
related to anyone American?
144
00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:02,040
There's no fat people
with big gums in our family.
145
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:05,240
"Please contact me as
a matter of great urgency.
146
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:08,960
"I am available on
my personal cell phone 24/7.
147
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,520
"Yours sincerely, Mr Buck A Roo.
148
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:13,840
"Probate Attorney,
Los Angeles California".
149
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:17,760
Let's have a look. Buck A Roo!
Are they taking the piss?
150
00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:20,360
What are his kids called?
Twister and KerPlunk.
151
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:23,280
It's all right for you to laugh!
It's not you they're following!
152
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:27,120
Mam, it's just a scam and not a very
convincing one by the sound of it.
153
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:28,840
Just ignore it and they'll go away.
154
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,720
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
155
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:37,040
24/7, that's not even long enough
for a mobile phone number.
156
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:39,120
That means you can
ring them at any time.
157
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,920
Well, it's still upset me.
158
00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:43,600
I've got a way of
resolving all this.
159
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,520
There you go, all sorted.
160
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:49,800
Now, if anyone wants me,
I'll be in my office.
161
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:03,280
Lesley, is Blow & Go open yet?
162
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:05,720
You've got to be joking.
It's nowhere near midday.
163
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:07,600
I've been calling Kenneth
all morning.
164
00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:10,320
What are you looking for,
just a trim?
165
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:11,800
You want us to give Liam a call?
166
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:17,520
No, no, I need to speak to Kenneth.
It is, more, how you say? Personal.
167
00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:22,000
Oh, you're not having
one of them vajazzles, are you?
168
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:25,080
What?
Oh, no, they can't be that for men.
169
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:26,480
A pe-jazzle?
170
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,000
I have no idea whichsoever
what you are talking about.
171
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:32,560
Lesley, why are you
behind this desk?
172
00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:34,400
It's where I work.
173
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:38,080
Well, some of the time.
I fired off a global this morning.
174
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:42,080
It'll be that prawn curry
from last night.
175
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:44,400
I was fine but then
I had the toad in the hole.
176
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,360
I fired off a global email
instructing all staff
177
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,480
of the time of their appraisals.
178
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,160
Oh, sorry.
179
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:55,120
You are ten minutes late.
My office, now.
180
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:03,360
Oi, Casanova!
You're on in 15 minutes.
181
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:06,680
On what in 15 minutes?
182
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:08,280
Hola.
183
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:11,160
Kenneth, Kenneth!
I need to speak to you.
184
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,960
Wait here.
185
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:18,760
Kenneth, I need your help.
186
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,640
Right, hang on...
187
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,800
I'm in a little bit of a hurry.
Shhh!
188
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,960
Right, let's have a look.
189
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,640
I have something I...
Shhh, shhh! No!
190
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:37,000
Don't interrupt while
the muse is upon me.
191
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:41,040
I see an '80s wedge in burnt sienna.
192
00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:42,600
No! Wait!
193
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:45,680
Number four crop,
hint of a centre parting,
194
00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:50,160
bit like a soot-covered bog brush,
otherwise known as a Simon Cowell.
195
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,800
Kenneth I...
No! I know. A Mohican!
196
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:56,120
You've got a whiff of
Daniel Day Lewis about you already.
197
00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:59,360
Mind you, not so much
Last of The Mohicans,
198
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:00,960
more My Left Foot.
199
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:04,640
Kenneth, please listen to me.
I have a big problem!
200
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:07,600
That's Edith done up the camp site.
201
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:10,080
We've gone mobile.
Turn around, show him.
202
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,920
"Blow & Go mobile.
We bring the mountain to Mohammed."
203
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,400
"All religions catered for."
204
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,840
Kenneth, I need to speak with you.
205
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:18,280
I wanted to talk about this.
206
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,240
Don't you think it's racist?
Racist?!
207
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,560
It's the opposite!
It means we do everybody.
208
00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:25,040
You never seen me with
pinking shears and an afro?
209
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:26,840
How about "Blow & Go Mobile."
210
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,360
"You do the dialling,
we do the styling."
211
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:31,880
That's too boring.
I did have one other.
212
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:35,560
"Don't leave the house.
We'll blow you right there."
213
00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:37,960
That's disgusting.
It's not, it's eye-catching!
214
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:39,400
Kenneth!
What do you want?!
215
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,440
Hello? We're still waiting!
216
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,920
Now I have to go.
Go on! We're not stopping you!
217
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:46,560
Is anybody there?
218
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:47,840
Honestly.
219
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,920
"Dial a do?"
No!
220
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,480
"Cut to the chase?"
Shut up!
221
00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:58,680
So, you see, Lesley,
with recent year-end cutbacks,
222
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:01,640
and the ongoing
financial crisis in Spain,
223
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:05,640
Solana CEO Crystal Hennesey-Vass
breathing down my neck
224
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:10,080
like a bull mastiff with halitosis,
my hands are tied.
225
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:11,680
I still don't understand.
226
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:14,560
You want me to help you
with the staff cutbacks?
227
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:16,640
That's exactly right.
228
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:19,560
Well, I mean,
apart from your core team
229
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:21,440
which you'll obviously want to keep,
230
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:24,680
I can only think of
Jesus in Maintenance
231
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:29,360
and that girl in the kitchen with
the dry skin and the onion chaser.
232
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:32,280
Onion chaser?
Yeah, she's got no gnashers.
233
00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:34,840
Apart from a single tooth
in the front of her mouth.
234
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:38,520
I think her name's Juanita.
One eater!
235
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,320
Sorry.
236
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:46,880
The staff cutbacks,
to which I refer, include you.
237
00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:49,680
Oh, for a minute I thought... What?!
238
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:52,120
I know what you're going to say,
witch hunt.
239
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:55,120
What about Juanita? She looks
much more like a witch than me.
240
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:59,400
No, I mean you are one of
several members of staff
241
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:02,680
whom we sadly have to let go.
242
00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:05,800
I don't know what to say.
243
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,520
I love it here.
244
00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:10,920
It's not just a job, it's my life.
245
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:14,600
But, when one door closes,
246
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:18,040
another swings gently ajar.
247
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:21,480
We do have another position available.
248
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,960
It's less money...
Less money! How can it be less?
249
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:28,040
I am trying to help you here, Lesley!
I know you are...
250
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:29,960
As long as it's not cleaning.
251
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:33,400
I can't stand the thought of being
on my hands and knees all day.
252
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:34,680
Not at my age.
253
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,680
Lesley, there you are!
254
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:45,120
You will not believe
what just happened to me.
255
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:49,840
Why are you dressed like a cleaner?
Because I AM a bloody cleaner.
256
00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:53,680
Temple-Savage sacked me
then reinstated me as a cleaner.
257
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:57,520
She sacked me too, then offered me
a job as junior barman.
258
00:14:57,520 --> 00:15:01,400
Junior?!
I am forty... Almost forty.
259
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,880
How can they make me a junior?
260
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:06,440
That woman's got more front
than Blackpool. What does this mean?
261
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,400
I just mean she's got
some brass neck
262
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:11,160
to think she can get away with
this whole set up being a sham.
263
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,280
Sham?
264
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:15,080
Basically, she's now saving
hundreds of euros a week.
265
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,080
I'll be a monkey's uncle if it's not
going straight in her coffers!
266
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,640
Wait a minute, I do not understand.
267
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,960
She's a crook, a swindler,
a snake in the grass.
268
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:26,120
We've all been hoodwinked.
269
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,880
And people say they have
a problem to understand me.
270
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:31,920
Incredible!
271
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:42,680
I am sorry for you to wait,
272
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:46,840
I have been demolished to junior
barman so is very difficult for me.
273
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:55,120
You are OK?
Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.
274
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,440
Beer?
No, mate. I'm good.
275
00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:01,240
We do a good breakfast lager.
I'll have an orange juice.
276
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:02,880
OK. No problem.
277
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:08,160
Is your phone ever switched on?
Hey! Mikey!
278
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:11,520
Is everything all right?
Not really.
279
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,680
I Facebooked you from the airport
and sent a couple of texts.
280
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,000
I tried ringing you as well.
281
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,800
Drink for you?
Coke, please.
282
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,840
Where's your mate?
283
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:22,640
Zack? He's gone.
284
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:25,000
Left last night.
What? Gone home?
285
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:28,120
I dunno. He took my money,
credit cards, everything.
286
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:29,520
What sort of mate is that?
287
00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:32,040
I only met him a week
before we came to Benidorm.
288
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,880
I don't know where he lives.
289
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:37,400
I even lent him the money
to pay for his holiday.
290
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,800
Nightmare.
I know. I know.
291
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,440
Come and sit with us.
Cheers, I might do later.
292
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:44,800
I got to sort some stuff out
before my dad gets here.
293
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:48,240
Your Dad's coming?
It's a long story. See you later.
294
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:51,760
Tiger, you do know you've got TWAT
written on your forehead, don't you?
295
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,720
TWAT?! You're joking?
296
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,200
I looked in the mirror
and I thought it said 'taught'.
297
00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:00,560
Why would it say 'taught'?
I have no idea.
298
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:03,200
I dunno. I'll see you later.
299
00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:06,640
She shouldn't get away with this.
It's outrageous.
300
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,560
It is.
It's illegal.
301
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:09,880
Probably.
302
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:13,000
That tabard is doing nothing
for your school girl figure.
303
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,520
I could customise it,
but it's not the point.
304
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:17,160
What about a demonstration?
305
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:22,240
Well, I thought I could pinch
the waist in a bit like that
306
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:26,520
then maybe pull the neckline
down a bit further.
307
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:29,040
I didn't mean the tabard.
I meant positive action!
308
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,800
Picket lines, posters,
local news coverage.
309
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,960
We've tried all that before.
310
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:37,680
What we need is ammunition.
We can't shoot her!
311
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,320
We can't. We haven't got a gun.
312
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:42,160
I mean a different sort
of ammunition. Evidence.
313
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,680
But, where are we gonna get that?
314
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:48,640
Ah, I think that's where I come in.
315
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,040
Hiya, didn't know you were here.
316
00:17:57,040 --> 00:18:00,920
Hola! Oh yeah.
We arrived last night.
317
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:02,480
I hope you don't need the loo.
318
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,720
It's closed down and
the lifts are out of order.
319
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:09,760
Oh, I know! Six flights of stairs
I had to walk down.
320
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:14,520
I'm not used to working so hard
for me sausage in the morning.
321
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:19,200
Sorry it took me so long.
You know the lift's not working?
322
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:20,480
We were just saying.
323
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,080
It's Janice, isn't it?
Yeah.
324
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:23,760
This is Glynn.
325
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:26,040
Hello.
Hello.
326
00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:30,120
Glynn's from Wales.
Oh, lovely.
327
00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:32,800
It's his first time in Benidorm.
328
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:37,040
Are you enjoying it?
Well, it's early days yet.
329
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,800
Glynn's wife Riannon
330
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:43,720
is on holiday in France
with my husband Donald.
331
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,680
I see.
332
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:50,120
Right, well, good luck with that.
333
00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:53,360
See you later.
See ya!
334
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:55,440
Jacqueline...
335
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:59,440
I was wondering if we could
go somewhere quiet for a coffee.
336
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:01,880
Well, there's Ragtimes,
337
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:06,000
but it seems such a shame to
go inside when the sun's shining.
338
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,000
I mean somewhere
AWAY from the hotel.
339
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:11,600
But, it's all inclusive here.
It's OK. I'll pay.
340
00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:16,680
Oh right, lovely!
Let me just have a quick wee.
341
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,960
Ooh! Ooh! That's fresh!
342
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,400
Won't be a minute!
343
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:30,920
You all right?
344
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,960
Not really.
Tiger's just been robbed.
345
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,440
I'm not surprised.
346
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,960
The lad's a menace to society.
No, he's not.
347
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,720
Last year when you hung out with him
you ended up drunk with a tattoo.
348
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:44,320
It'll only be matter of hours before
you've got a bone though your nose.
349
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:47,160
What does that even mean?
It means he's an animal.
350
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,120
Poor lad, who robbed him?
Someone he came on holiday with.
351
00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:53,760
Exactly, you lay down with dogs,
you pick up fleas.
352
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,520
Oh, give it up, will you?
353
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:58,760
Right, two beers for me and your mam
and a saucer of milk for your Nana.
354
00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:00,280
Brandy.
355
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:02,880
I've just sat down.
Now you're just getting up.
356
00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:04,800
Come on Stretch Armstrong, move it.
357
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:06,560
I'm supposed to be
on holiday as well!
358
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:09,840
Good day, Joyce Temple-Savage,
Solana manageress.
359
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:12,160
Is one of you Mrs Harvey?
Who wants to know?
360
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,160
She's told you,
Joyce Temple-Savage.
361
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,160
I'll take that as a 'yes'.
362
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:18,920
A Mr Roo has left a message for you.
363
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:22,720
Apparently, he's lost his wallet
at the airport and is asking
364
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:27,800
if you can leave 100 euros in
an envelope for him at reception.
365
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,120
Hundred euros?!
366
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:33,360
Most people here didn't pay that
for their holiday.
367
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:37,720
Anyway, to whom it may concern...
368
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:41,560
Airport?
What's he doing coming here?
369
00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:44,080
Oh, my God!
I told you they were following me!
370
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:47,400
It all makes sense now.
What you mean, "It makes sense"?
371
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:50,040
You don't have to be Cagney & Lacey
to crack this one.
372
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,680
It's someone who works here.
I don't understand.
373
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:56,080
You don't have to, because I am
gonna put an envelope at reception
374
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:59,000
and me and lazy arse here are gonna
wait and see who picks it up.
375
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:02,200
What? Like a stakeout?
After you get the drinks in.
376
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:06,000
Do you not think
we should call the police?
377
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,560
What for?
No crime has been committed yet.
378
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,960
Until whoever we grab gets his
head smacked in. What? By you?
379
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:16,960
You couldn't smack your lips.
I'm off to get some cigs.
380
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:18,520
You're welcome!
381
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,720
Get out of the way!
382
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:32,800
Four sugars. Lovely.
383
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,560
Well, this is a treat.
384
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:39,640
Jacqueline, I'm afraid
I've had a change of heart.
385
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:42,240
You want me to pay for the coffees?
386
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:43,640
Oh, no, no, no, no!
387
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:46,280
I mean about the... wife swap.
388
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:47,800
Oh, right.
389
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:50,400
I don't suppose that's
such a huge surprise.
390
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,000
Well, when you got up
to the room last night,
391
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:56,720
barricaded your door with
the wardrobe and shouted,
392
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,800
"Come anywhere near me
and I'll call the police",
393
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:02,720
I did have my suspicions.
394
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,480
I'm sorry. Those two lager shandies
hit me hard.
395
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:11,280
It's not that you're unattractive.
That has nothing to do with it.
396
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:16,080
It's just, Riannon and I had been
going through a bit of a bad patch
397
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:18,840
and, being very open-minded people,
398
00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:21,240
you know we're both naturists,
we just thought...
399
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:23,360
So, you're not swingers?
400
00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:26,760
No, not at all.
401
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:28,160
Oh dear.
402
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:30,120
And, that's not all.
403
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:33,640
I got a message
from Riannon this morning.
404
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,400
"Having a fabulous time."
405
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:39,840
"Donald is amazing.
See you in a few days, RiRi".
406
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,440
Just ring her and say
you don't feel the same.
407
00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:46,280
No! Don't you see?
This is what she wants!
408
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:48,320
She doesn't want me!
409
00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,480
She'd rather have some
huge, overweight,
410
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:53,440
red-faced buffoon
bearing down on her.
411
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:56,240
None taken.
412
00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:59,480
What have I done?
What have I done?
413
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:03,520
What have I done to her?
What have I done?
414
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:08,720
Now remember, Betty, don't stand up
415
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,840
until I've turned it off
and removed the hood.
416
00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:14,520
When your hair caught fire last time
it was a waste of a pint of lager.
417
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:17,040
You all right, love?
Thank you.
418
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:21,280
Kenneth, I need to speak with you.
I'm glad that you've turned up.
419
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:22,920
I've sent Liam to find Lesley.
420
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,480
Apparently, she's dug up some dirt
on Temple-Savage.
421
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:27,120
I need to speak to you in private.
422
00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:29,040
"In private?"
We're all in the same boat.
423
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,360
No, you don't understand!
I have a problem...
424
00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:33,720
Shall we go somewhere
a bit more private?
425
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:36,800
Don't worry about Betty. She can't
hear a thing under that dryer.
426
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:38,920
Temple-Savage is across the hall.
427
00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:40,640
Oh... I know.
428
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:43,880
Hello? Shop?
429
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:47,320
I think you might be needed.
Argh!
430
00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:49,200
Is there anybody about?
431
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:54,720
Yes?
432
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:58,240
Hello, can you tell me what room
my son, Tiger Dyke, is in?
433
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:01,040
Tie a what?
Tiger. Tiger Dyke.
434
00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:03,920
Do you not remember us
from last year? No.
435
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:08,360
Ah yes, now I remember you.
436
00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:11,120
Your eyes they look much more piggy
without your erm...
437
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:12,800
I forgot how to say gafas.
438
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:17,080
OK, let me check.
Did you just say "piggy"?
439
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:19,760
What is your son's name.
Tiger Dyke!
440
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:22,240
OK, OK, don't shout!
441
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:25,320
I booked a room online as well.
And your surname?
442
00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:27,280
Dyke!
You are Tie the Dyke?
443
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:31,400
I thought that was your son's name.
My son is Tiger Dyke.
444
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:34,040
I am Clive Dyke.
445
00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:39,400
Good afternoon, Joyce Temple-Savage
Solana manageress, how can I...?
446
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:41,440
Oh, it's you.
447
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:44,640
That's just the sort of welcome
I expected from this place.
448
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:46,360
Well, you came back.
449
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:48,920
Your all inclusive wristband
and room key.
450
00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:51,120
Thank you, Mateo.
I'll deal with this now.
451
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:55,240
I have just dealed with it.
Pool bar.
452
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:59,480
I am serving the Dyke.
Pool bar!
453
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:06,040
Welcome back to the Solana,
Mr, erm, Dyke.
454
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:09,560
I trust you will have another
enjoyable stay with us(!)
455
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:11,680
I only came here
to look after my boy.
456
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:13,560
He got robbed while he was here.
457
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:15,960
Probably something to do
with the company he keeps.
458
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:19,880
Yeah, or the crappy hotel
he's staying in.
459
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:22,360
No pleasing some people.
460
00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:30,200
Hello? Kenneth?
Hello, can you hear me?
461
00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:35,240
Typical!
462
00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:40,960
I think she's gone.
463
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:44,840
Sorry about that, Betty love.
I'll turn you back on now.
464
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:49,960
Right, as I was saying, not only
has she reduced all staff wages,
465
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,800
I found an internal memo
from Joyce to Hennesey-Vass
466
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:55,120
saying she's gonna start
sacking people too!
467
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:56,520
It's outrageous!
468
00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:58,360
I'm not surprised.
That woman is evil.
469
00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:00,760
How have you had access
to internal emails?
470
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:04,240
Well, sometimes being
the lowly cleaner has its perks.
471
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:22,200
So, come on, you haven't
mentioned a word about my mum yet.
472
00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:24,800
I texted her but she said,
"Everything fine".
473
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:26,280
Yeah, well she would.
474
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:29,360
That's all a case of,
'What the neighbours might think'.
475
00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:31,480
I'm not her neighbour, I'm her son.
476
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:35,360
Your mother and I have been going
through a bit of a rough patch.
477
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:36,920
For how long?
478
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:38,480
About 23 years.
479
00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:40,600
You've only been married for 22!
480
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:42,840
Well, no-one can say
I wasn't warned.
481
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:46,360
You're splitting up then?
No, we're not splitting up.
482
00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:50,360
We ain't staying together
but we're not splitting up.
483
00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:52,080
What is that supposed to mean?
484
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:58,440
All I can say is that this
little break for us, me being here,
485
00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:00,560
will probably do us
the world of good.
486
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:04,320
I don't want you to split up,
but I want you both to be happy.
487
00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:06,000
Happy?
488
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,120
Happy? Yeah, oh I remember that(!)
489
00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:12,320
Meanwhile...
I've got a great idea for tonight.
490
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:15,600
Oh yeah, what's that?
We both get absolutely hammered.
491
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,840
You know something, son?
492
00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:20,560
You're not as stupid as you look.
493
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:25,280
Like father, like son!
494
00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:30,120
Give them back!
I can't see nothing without them!
495
00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:33,120
Oi, come back!
496
00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,840
Tiger! Tiger, come back here!
497
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:38,360
You want one more for the roads?
498
00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:39,800
What?
499
00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:43,720
Another shandy?
Oh. How many have I had?
500
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:46,280
I've lost count. Two.
501
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:49,880
I'd better not.
My head's spinning as it is.
502
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:53,360
Oh, you're there!
I've been looking everywhere for ya!
503
00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:55,720
I'm sorry.
I've been licking my wounds.
504
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:58,000
Have you spoken to your wife?
505
00:27:58,000 --> 00:27:59,880
No, but we've been
texting each other.
506
00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:02,560
I tried to suggest maybe
we'd made a mistake,
507
00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:05,800
but she was too busy telling me
what a great time she was having.
508
00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,480
She also told me your Donald
509
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,400
had organised the wife swap
for your anniversary.
510
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:13,760
Well, he's a very romantic man.
511
00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:17,440
Yes, but for your
25th wedding anniversary!
512
00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:20,440
I'm sorry, I just,
I just don't understand.
513
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:26,480
Donald and I love each other dearly
but we also LOVE trying new things.
514
00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:30,200
Oh, I'm sorry,
are you waiting to close?
515
00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:32,080
No, no, is fine.
516
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:33,840
Where was I?
517
00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:36,720
You and your husband
love trying new things.
518
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:38,160
Thank you.
519
00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:42,920
We love trying new things and
what makes it all even better
520
00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:45,760
is we know we'll always
have each other.
521
00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:48,000
Yes, but where's the romance?
522
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,520
What can I say?
523
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:52,600
Some days are romantic and some days
524
00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:56,840
we're going at it like hammer
and tongs with complete strangers.
525
00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:59,960
Variety is the spice of life.
526
00:28:59,960 --> 00:29:03,880
Do you want me to call
your wife for you?
527
00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:06,320
No, no, let's just leave it for now.
528
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:09,200
All right, have a late siesta
529
00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:12,040
and then we'll have
some tea in Neptunes
530
00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:14,560
and work out what to do next.
531
00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:18,080
They do a smashing
toad in the hole here.
532
00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:22,000
Only in Benidorm.
533
00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:33,560
Dad, we've been here ages.
He's not coming, is he?
534
00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:37,160
Slowly, slowly catchy monkey.
What does that mean?
535
00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:40,480
It means shut up moaning
and go get me a beer.
536
00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:44,760
Ay-up, here we go, here we go...
537
00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:51,280
What are you doing?
I'm going undercover.
538
00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:56,520
Why are you hiding your face?
He doesn't know what you look like.
539
00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:58,200
Shut up, shut up!
540
00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:01,600
Here we go.
541
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:03,120
Hola.
542
00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:08,400
Oh no, no, no, this is the Solana.
543
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:11,560
Which way?
Up there, turn left.
544
00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:14,640
About 200 yards
on the right-hand side.
545
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:16,120
Right. Thank you.
Adios amigo.
546
00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:19,360
Bollocks.
Thought we had our man then.
547
00:30:19,360 --> 00:30:22,160
I'm bored. I'm off to find Tiger.
548
00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:23,920
No, you're not!
549
00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:26,880
You've got no idea how important
your role in all this is.
550
00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:29,200
Oh yeah? What is my role?
551
00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:32,320
Head of refreshments, off you pop.
552
00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:34,640
If you're a good lad,
you can have a shandy.
553
00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:43,840
I don't know what I'd do
if I came into a lot of money.
554
00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:46,200
You could do something
with your hair for a start.
555
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:47,600
What does that mean?
556
00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:50,920
You've always had split ends
and dry skin.
557
00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:53,200
It's not your fault.
It runs in the family.
558
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:56,560
Thanks.
My mother was practically bald.
559
00:30:56,560 --> 00:31:00,840
Nana Baron? No, she wasn't.
Bald with a big, dry, square head.
560
00:31:00,840 --> 00:31:02,960
She looked like a Greggs steak bake.
561
00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:05,120
Woman down our street
won 100,000 last year.
562
00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:07,960
£100,000 I wouldn't know
what to do with it.
563
00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:10,280
If you don't know what
to do with it, give it to me!
564
00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:12,000
I'd give you 10,000.
565
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:15,360
20,000 to our Michael
for a deposit on a house.
566
00:31:15,360 --> 00:31:18,200
I'd give our Chantelle...
10,000?
567
00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:21,040
'Ey?
You'd only give me 10,000?
568
00:31:21,040 --> 00:31:22,720
10,000 is a lot of money.
569
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:25,280
I've sacrificed
my whole life for you,
570
00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:28,360
wrecked my bodily functions
to bring you into this world
571
00:31:28,360 --> 00:31:30,400
and you'd keep 90,000 for yourself?
572
00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:33,200
No, I just said
I'd give our Michael 20,000....
573
00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:34,440
Oh, I see!
574
00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:37,200
He gets twice as much as me?
Hang on, I haven't finished...
575
00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:40,280
Oh no, frig the lot of you
if that's how you're gonna treat me.
576
00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:41,440
It's hypothetic!
577
00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:46,480
It is pathetic!
10,000 quid for the gift of life.
578
00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:49,760
For God's sake. I'm gonna get
another cup of tea. Do you want one?
579
00:31:49,760 --> 00:31:53,400
No, you'll probably keep
90% of that for yourself as well.
580
00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:03,960
Hang on, here we go.
581
00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:07,240
We're on.
582
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:10,680
Go on.
583
00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:15,840
Go, go, go, go, go!
584
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:20,880
Get the envelope, get it!
Got it!
585
00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:22,200
What are you doing?
586
00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:24,200
Dad...
Stop struggling!
587
00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:25,880
You're going nowhere!
588
00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:28,960
This toerag thinks it's clever
to con pensioners out of...
589
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:31,000
Hang on, son,
to con pensioners out of...
590
00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:32,640
Dad!
What?
591
00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:34,040
This isn't our envelope.
592
00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:36,920
Que pasa?
593
00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:40,520
This is Mario. He's collected a list
for the bullfight trip tomorrow.
594
00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:42,920
What?
He is a holiday rep!
595
00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:49,240
Oh right. Sorry about that, pal.
596
00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:51,560
So, our envelope's still
behind there, is it?
597
00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:53,600
What is your envelope?
Never mind.
598
00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:56,920
We'd better check on your Nana.
What about our 100 euros?
599
00:32:56,920 --> 00:33:01,040
I didn't put money in the envelope.
I'm not a complete idiot!
600
00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:13,280
♪ Open up your eyes
Then you'll realise
601
00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:17,360
♪ Here I stand with my
Everlasting love
602
00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:21,240
♪ Need you by my side
Girl to be my pride
603
00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:24,760
♪ You'll never be denied
Everlasting love...
604
00:33:24,760 --> 00:33:29,520
You see, son, the thing about
your mother and me is...
605
00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:33,120
It's all about compatibility.
606
00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:37,320
But, you've been together 20 years.
You must be compatible.
607
00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:41,000
Well, that's where
another word comes in.
608
00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:42,840
Tolerance.
609
00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:46,240
She's tolerated you for this long,
what's different now?
610
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,000
Not ME!
611
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:50,440
I've tolerated HER!
612
00:33:50,440 --> 00:33:51,920
Then she chucked me out!
613
00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:54,640
But, you must still have
feelings for her.
614
00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:59,200
I do. I do have feelings for her.
615
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:02,280
It's difficult to describe...
616
00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:07,080
So, I'm gonna do it in a song.
No, Dad, please don't, Dad! Dad!
617
00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:12,240
You're not gonna leave that,
are you?
618
00:34:12,240 --> 00:34:14,520
I don't seem to have
much of an appetite.
619
00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:19,280
Oh, it's Donald!
620
00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:21,400
Hiya!
621
00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:25,560
Oh, happy anniversary to you, too.
622
00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:27,600
Glynn? Erm...
623
00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:31,080
Well, no, he's fine.
624
00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:34,320
OK love. Yeah, you get off.
625
00:34:34,320 --> 00:34:37,280
This must be costing a fortune.
626
00:34:37,280 --> 00:34:40,680
Night-night, love you!
Happy anniversary!
627
00:34:42,200 --> 00:34:45,760
I'm sorry, I just can't get my head
around this whole situation.
628
00:34:45,760 --> 00:34:49,760
I have nobody to blame but myself.
629
00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:58,000
♪ From the very start
Open up your heart
630
00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:03,000
♪ Feel like you've falling in
Everlasting love ♪
631
00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:06,800
Thank you very much!
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
632
00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:08,400
Good night!
633
00:35:08,400 --> 00:35:13,400
Thank you there
to Mick and Janice Gravy.
634
00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:17,600
Now, a round of applause for Clive.
635
00:35:22,040 --> 00:35:25,720
I'd like to dedicate this song
636
00:35:25,720 --> 00:35:28,720
to my wife of 20 years,
637
00:35:28,720 --> 00:35:34,720
and I mean every, every single word.
638
00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:42,120
♪ Oh oh ooh ooh
639
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:47,320
♪ No no no
640
00:35:50,720 --> 00:35:56,600
♪ See I don't know why
641
00:35:56,600 --> 00:35:59,440
♪ I liked you so much
642
00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:04,160
♪ I gave you all of my trust
643
00:36:04,160 --> 00:36:10,200
♪ I told you I loved you
644
00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:14,240
♪ Now that's all down the drain
You put me through pain
645
00:36:14,240 --> 00:36:17,480
♪ I wanna let you know how I feel
646
00:36:18,240 --> 00:36:21,600
♪ Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
647
00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:25,280
♪ Fuck the presents
You might as well throw them out
648
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:28,520
♪ Fuck all the kisses
They don't mean jack
649
00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:32,000
♪ Fuck you, you hoe
I don't want you back
650
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:36,160
Dad, Dad! What are you doing?
Sit down, sit down!
651
00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:39,200
Oh, for God's sake!
652
00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:43,040
♪ Keep this shit from me yeah
653
00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:46,880
♪ You bad bitch I heard the story
You played me...
654
00:36:58,720 --> 00:37:02,040
Clive there with a very
personal message to his wife.
655
00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:04,880
Apologies to any children listening.
656
00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:10,160
We do have some unscheduled
entertainment later on,
657
00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:14,480
but while we wait for that,
play some music, Darren!
658
00:37:16,280 --> 00:37:21,160
♪ Congratulations and celebrations...
659
00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:24,360
What kind of a song was that
for a man to sing for his wife?
660
00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:28,520
Well, I've always said
honesty is the best policy.
661
00:37:28,520 --> 00:37:31,040
Where's all the romance
in the world?
662
00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:32,440
That's what I'd like to know.
663
00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:35,280
Here you're sitting
with a complete stranger
664
00:37:35,280 --> 00:37:38,600
on your 25th wedding anniversary.
665
00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:40,280
The world's gone mad.
666
00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:42,000
Oh, I don't know.
667
00:37:42,000 --> 00:37:45,320
People don't have to
live in each other's pockets.
668
00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:49,880
Sometimes absence
makes the heart grow fonder.
669
00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:56,120
A word please, Mrs Temple-Savage.
670
00:37:56,120 --> 00:37:57,640
Yes, can I help?
671
00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:02,440
Well, there's no nice way
of putting this but...
672
00:38:02,440 --> 00:38:05,520
You've been caught
with your pants down.
673
00:38:05,520 --> 00:38:08,880
What a charming turn of phrase.
Could you elaborate?
674
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:13,200
Well, with the situation with
demoting most of the staff.
675
00:38:13,200 --> 00:38:15,840
What about it?
We have received intelligence...
676
00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:20,000
It's been a long time coming but
I can only see that as a good thing.
677
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:24,080
No, hang on, let me finish,
we have received intelligence
678
00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:27,600
regarding your not-so-little
wages fiddle.
679
00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:28,720
Fiddle?
680
00:38:28,720 --> 00:38:31,880
I'm sorry.
What are you talking about?
681
00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:33,120
It's disgusting!
682
00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:35,600
As soon as this comes out,
your head will be on a pole.
683
00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:37,600
When all what comes out?
684
00:38:37,600 --> 00:38:39,520
I did not want to believe it,
685
00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:42,760
but it seems the evidence
against you is incongestable.
686
00:38:42,760 --> 00:38:45,240
None of you are making any sense,
687
00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:47,680
which I realise is
hardly headline news,
688
00:38:47,680 --> 00:38:50,160
but I would like to know
what I'm being accused of!
689
00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:52,720
We know the cuts you've made
to our pay packets
690
00:38:52,720 --> 00:38:54,160
are going in your pocket!
691
00:38:54,160 --> 00:38:57,560
I'm sorry, we've made a decision,
we're not calling the police,
692
00:38:57,560 --> 00:39:01,160
but I will be calling Hennesey-Vass
first thing in the morning!
693
00:39:01,160 --> 00:39:05,120
I wouldn't do that because
she thinks you've been sacked.
694
00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:08,360
We know all about that as well...
Been sacked?
695
00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:11,960
I had instructions from
Hennesey-Vass to make cutbacks,
696
00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:15,520
namely, to let two of the highest
earning members of staff go.
697
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,440
But, I couldn't do it.
698
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:22,360
So, I made small cuts to wages across
the board instead, including my own!
699
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:24,840
I know it's going to be
a tough few months,
700
00:39:24,840 --> 00:39:26,920
but I'll slowly increase your money
701
00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:29,840
with the odd bonus
and small pay rises.
702
00:39:29,840 --> 00:39:31,680
That's the best I can do.
703
00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:33,280
Oops.
704
00:39:33,280 --> 00:39:37,200
Right, I'd better go
and introduce this group.
705
00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:44,120
Well done, Jessica Fletcher,
another case solved.
706
00:39:48,720 --> 00:39:53,080
Now, in a slight change to our
advertised evening of karaoke,
707
00:39:53,080 --> 00:39:54,760
may I present to you,
708
00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:59,000
Benidorm's own tribute to
The Stylistics!
709
00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:08,880
Happy anniversary, Jacqueline,
from your devoted husband Donald.
710
00:40:11,320 --> 00:40:13,520
From Donald for you.
711
00:40:18,320 --> 00:40:22,320
Those are nice.
Yes!
712
00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:27,200
♪ A great big movie star
713
00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:30,000
♪ Overnight sensation
714
00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:34,160
Mrs Temple-Savage,
I just want to apologise
715
00:40:34,160 --> 00:40:38,880
about the erm,
slight confusion we just had.
716
00:40:38,880 --> 00:40:41,800
Don't worry. These are desperate
times we are living in.
717
00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:43,200
I totally understand.
718
00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:47,560
I never believed the rumours anyway.
Even though you started them? Ow!
719
00:40:47,560 --> 00:40:50,960
Although the next time you think
you've caught me with my pants down,
720
00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:55,360
let's talk, rather than you
trying to pull them up for me.
721
00:40:58,880 --> 00:41:01,280
I need a drink.
Come on, I'll help you.
722
00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:07,240
Kenneth, you know I have been
trying to talk to you all day.
723
00:41:07,240 --> 00:41:09,400
Have you?
Yes!
724
00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:13,880
I need to ask you
to do something for me.
725
00:41:13,880 --> 00:41:18,680
Well, go on then.
No, it is... personal.
726
00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:21,480
Oh yeah?
I do not want anyone else to hear.
727
00:41:22,560 --> 00:41:23,840
Then whisper it.
728
00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:31,680
Oh, my God!
729
00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:36,160
Please, Kenneth, it is a secret.
Well, we've all got them, love.
730
00:41:37,240 --> 00:41:40,080
Lola, a woman in the old town,
she used to do it for me.
731
00:41:40,080 --> 00:41:42,040
I bet she did.
732
00:41:42,040 --> 00:41:45,600
Please, Kenneth,
you will do it for me?
733
00:41:50,240 --> 00:41:53,080
Meet me in the salon.
I'll be there in two minutes.
734
00:41:54,360 --> 00:41:57,080
Slippery nipple?
Yeah, two.
735
00:41:57,080 --> 00:42:00,880
♪ I'd give the world to you
736
00:42:02,160 --> 00:42:06,680
♪ I'd like to someday be
737
00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:08,520
♪ The owner of...
738
00:42:08,520 --> 00:42:11,560
Everything's gonna be
all right, son.
739
00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:14,080
Have you spoken to my mum?
740
00:42:14,080 --> 00:42:16,680
Not since we had the row, no.
741
00:42:18,400 --> 00:42:20,800
Maybe you just need
a bit of time apart.
742
00:42:20,800 --> 00:42:24,720
Yeah, maybe that's all we need,
a bit of time apart.
743
00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:30,080
The next 20 years
should just about do it.
744
00:42:30,080 --> 00:42:33,800
♪ I guess it's true
745
00:42:33,800 --> 00:42:40,040
♪ 'Cause I'm stone
In love with you... ♪
746
00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:49,680
OK, let's get you on your feet.
You all know this next one.
747
00:42:51,880 --> 00:42:55,880
♪ If I had money I'd go wild
748
00:42:55,880 --> 00:43:00,160
♪ Buy you furs
Dress you like a queen
749
00:43:01,520 --> 00:43:04,080
♪ And in a chauffeured limousine
750
00:43:04,080 --> 00:43:06,680
♪ We'd look so fine
751
00:43:06,680 --> 00:43:10,320
I'm off to have a drink with Tiger.
Oh, that's it!
752
00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:13,080
Next time we see him, he'll be
drugged up to the eyeballs,
753
00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:15,240
floating face down in the pool.
754
00:43:15,240 --> 00:43:18,240
Right. No alcohol and stay
where we can see you.
755
00:43:18,240 --> 00:43:19,280
Yeah, I know.
756
00:43:19,280 --> 00:43:21,440
Are we having a dance?
Ooh yeah!
757
00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:23,560
Oh, that's it,
leave me here on my own?
758
00:43:23,560 --> 00:43:26,600
Come and have a dance!
No, I don't want to be a burden.
759
00:43:26,600 --> 00:43:29,200
Well go on, just leave me here.
760
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:32,360
You'd think I'd be used to
your selfishness by now.
761
00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:35,560
What? My mother got annoyed because
I wouldn't share my winnings.
762
00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:37,560
What winnings?
It's a long story.
763
00:43:37,560 --> 00:43:39,720
Hey, it's a shame
Buck A Roo didn't turn up.
764
00:43:39,720 --> 00:43:42,360
You could have shared
your winnings with us!
765
00:43:54,480 --> 00:43:57,880
Well, fancy seeing you here.
766
00:43:57,880 --> 00:43:59,960
Please, Kenneth,
don't make fun of me.
767
00:43:59,960 --> 00:44:04,120
Don't worry, Mateo,
we all have needs.
768
00:44:04,120 --> 00:44:09,440
So, the woman who usually does you,
when did she leave town?
769
00:44:09,440 --> 00:44:12,960
Three weeks ago, I can sort out
getting touched up myself,
770
00:44:12,960 --> 00:44:16,800
but it gets to a point
where I need the full head.
771
00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:22,040
Well, lie back and think of Espana.
772
00:44:32,960 --> 00:44:35,080
I think we should go for
Midnight Dream.
773
00:44:35,080 --> 00:44:37,120
I think dying your hair
Double Jet Black
774
00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:41,080
might make people think you're
sponsored by Magic Marker.
775
00:44:41,080 --> 00:44:46,040
So, going anywhere nice
for your holidays?
776
00:44:48,080 --> 00:44:50,480
♪ I...
777
00:44:50,480 --> 00:44:55,120
♪ Can't give you anything
778
00:44:55,120 --> 00:44:59,000
♪ But my love
779
00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:04,440
♪ But my love
Here we go whoo
780
00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:11,840
♪ I cannot promise you the world...
781
00:45:11,840 --> 00:45:14,400
Mrs Madge Harvey?
782
00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:18,640
Yeah? Yeah, I'm Madge.
783
00:45:18,640 --> 00:45:22,160
My name is Buck, Buck A Roo.
784
00:45:22,160 --> 00:45:26,360
You're a very difficult lady
to get a hold of.
785
00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:30,560
I can't quite believe
I've finally found you.
786
00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:33,800
♪ My devotion I will give
787
00:45:35,880 --> 00:45:38,560
♪ For as long as I live...
788
00:45:40,640 --> 00:45:42,680
subtitles by Deluxe
789
00:45:42,680 --> 00:45:47,000
♪ I can't give you anything
790
00:45:48,280 --> 00:45:51,720
♪ But my love
791
00:45:52,720 --> 00:45:55,560
♪ But my love
792
00:45:57,720 --> 00:46:00,280
♪ I...
793
00:46:00,280 --> 00:46:04,840
♪ Can't give you anything
794
00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:07,680
♪ But my love... ♪
795
00:46:07,680 --> 00:46:09,720
...
68140
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