All language subtitles for Benidorm S06E07 1080p WEB DL H264 BTN_track3_[eng]

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Morning, team. Everything ship-shape
and Bristol fashion?

Never mind.
Everything's running like clockwork.

We're not gonna let you down today,
Mrs Temple-Savage, don't you worry.

Of course she's going to worry,

the big boss is coming
to leave her the sack.

Give her the sack,
not leave her the sack.

Yeah, hopefully not but -
Don't worry, Lesley, it's fine.

Whatever the CEO of Solana Europe
decided to do with me

after yesterday's events,
well...that's up to her.

Que sera, sera.

What time does Miss Sara Sara
get here?

I will make sure she's looked after,
yes?

No, que sera sera isn't a name,
that's just a saying.

Her name is Crystal Hennessy-Vass.
Make of that what you will.

I think I prefer Kay Sara Sara.

Lesley, you haven't forgotten

about the Dutch dignitaries arriving,
have you?

What are the Dutch dingleberries?
Dignitaries.

It means very important people.

Ah, VPLs.

No, Mrs Temple-Savage,
I haven't forgotten about them.

Everything is in hand.
Very good.

One of them is the mayor of Lilliput
or something.

Try and get a photo of them enjoying
our facilities,

it might increase bookings
from the Netherlands.

Erm...neither of you have seen Cyril,
have you?

(CLEARS THROAT)
Mrs Temple-Savage,

I had his breakfast
taken up to his room

and well, he didn't sleep there
last night.

Right.

Well...he's probably trying
to make himself scarce.

He will no doubt grace us
with his presence later.

Carry on.

Squirrel will not be bringing
Joyce's presents later,

will he, Lesley?
No, Mateo, I don't think he will.

So he's going to be OK, isn't he?

What?

Oh, where?

Guy?
It's only me.

Don't worry, it's only me.

Oh, Liam, you came.
Of course I came.

You text me four times already
telling me not to be late.

All the people in here,
they've been so kind.

Is that for me?
Yeah.

Really?

Oh, you shouldn't have.

I don't wanna be a burden to anyone.

What's this? Oranges?

You taking the piss?

I've got a heart complaint,
not frigging scurvy.

There's grapes in there, as well.

Where's the zinger burger and fries
I asked you for?

They're not open yet. The doctor
said you're not to get excited.

Excited? About what?
A bloody fruit salad?

I'm wasting away in here
and you bring me this bag of shite.

And what's this? A lemon?

What am I supposed to do
with a bloody lemon?

Oh, sod this for a game of soldiers.

I'm off to John and Joseph's
for a fry-up. Stay there!

Stay there, stay in bed!
What are you playing at?

Nurse! Nurse!

Get me out of this bed right now!

Get off me!

You can't do this to me! Get off me!

(WAILS)

Morning, love. I'm so glad
to get off that coach,

I've never known such a bumpy ride.
(LAUGHS LOUDLY)

I'm just finishing
these two young men off.

Can I put you in the capable hands
of my colleague Mateo?

I don't mind who sorts me out,
I'm just glad to be in the sun.

(LAUGHS LOUDLY)

Thank you.

Your name is Mina Love Allen?

Mina Love's my real name but
everyone calls me Queenie. (LAUGHS)

OK, Queenie, you have a double room
booked for one week.

There is just you? Nobody else?

Well, for the moment but hope
springs eternal in the human breast.

(LAUGHS LOUDLY)

What does this mean? I've no idea.
Just get her booked in,

she's frightening the other guests.

OK, Queenie, here's your
all-inclusive wristband

and your room key.
You are on the 11th floor.

Please, have a happy holiday.

It's a good job I've got a head
for heights. (LAUGHS)

These stairs, yes? It will be
quicker to take the elevator.

Oh, no, I never go in elevators,
they make me nervous

and I break out into
uncontrollable laughter. (LAUGHS)

Did you want me to find
you a room on a lower floor?

Oh, no, don't bother yourself.
It's all good fun, isn't it?

11th floor.
(LAUGHS)

I bet we can still hear her laughing
from up there.

(LAUGHS)

(PHONE BEEPS)

A message from Queenie.
Oh, has she got here OK?

'Arrived safe and sound.
Just heading to my room,

probably need a shower after that
but see you guys shortly.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha.'
Lovely.

(LAUGHING IN DISTANCE)

She could have saved on the text.
Oh, yeah.

You can always hear Queenie coming.

Quite.

Ooh, go on, she's there.

I can see she's there. Well, go and
talk to her about the discount.

They'll probably just refund it
to our card.

Where are you going? If you're
too spineless to ask for it,

I'll have to do it myself.
Tonya.

Tonya!

Este servicio necesita substituir.

Demasiados calcen...

Keep going, I think he's getting
the gist of it.

It's a very difficult language.

You owe us money.

Good morning to you, as well.
You gave us an 80% discount

on our holiday and I'd like to sort
that out, if that's OK with you?

How did you get 80% off?
It's a long story.

I've got all day.
I think you'll find

I offered you 20% discount
on your next holiday.

Our next holiday?

Yes.
Our next holiday here?

Yes.
You have got to be joking.

We come every year,
I'll have the discount.

Right, who's your superior?
And I don't mean intelligence.

I haven't got time to see
that many people.

I haven't got one. I find that
very difficult to believe.

I imagine you find most things
difficult,

especially in those ludicrous heels.

What did you just say?
Don't get me wrong,

I think your look is very brave.

I was a huge fan
of George and Mildred.

Now, you listen to me - Whoa, whoa,
all right, ladies, calm down.

Come on, we've all had a lot
to drink.

Your voucher will be sent on to you,
should your grubby

and rather strange family wish to
grace us with their presence again.

What?! Do let me know if I can
be of further assistance.

Come here. Come here and say that!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, leave it.

What the hell is going on
over there?

It's your husband with his dirty,
wandering hands.

My husband is obviously
trying to keep the peace.

Trying to get a piece, more like.

He's had his eye on that one
since day one.

# CARMINA BURANA: O Fortuna

Oh, my God. Do you reckon
it's a film star?

What? Staying here? Yeah, right.

Oh. Park up, Elvis.
This could take some time.

Uh-huh.

.

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(GROANS)

When you have a minute.
Oh, I beg your pardon.

I put all my bras on a boil wash
by mistake

and this one's cutting through me
like a knife through butter.

(SIGHS) Welcome to the Solana,
how can I help you?

You can start by telling me
you're not Joyce Temple-Savage.

Oh, no, no. Joyce is just
the manageress.

I'm Lesley, chief dogsbody
and bottle washer.

Oh, thank God for that.
You'll have to put that out, pet.

It's a non-smoking hotel.

Lesley, I have looked everywhere
in the hotel for Squirrel.

I'm sure he has gone.
You have squirrels in the hotel?

No, are you deaf?
I just said he has gone.

What Mateo means is -
All right, I've heard enough.

Now, listen to me.
I'm going to take a seat over there

and you, young man, are going to
bring me a large gin slimline tonic

and an ashtray and you...madam, are
going to get Joyce Temple-Savage

on the telephone and tell her
to get her sorry arse down here

within the next five minutes.

And who, if you don't mind
me asking,

shall I tell her is waiting for her?

Crystal Hennessy-Vass,
chairman and CEO

of the Solana Leisure Group Europe.

In other words, top dog, kiddo.

Top dog.

What kind of dog?

(SCOFFS)

Cheers.
Cheers.

Cheers. Oh, it's so lovely
to see you, Queenie.

It's just such a shame
we go home tomorrow.

You go home tomorrow?
Yes, we've been here a week.

Oh, your timing's terrible.

You know it's the CBSA's
silver jubilee next week?

CBSA? Costa Blanca
Swingers Association

There's a swingers association

covering the whole
of the Costa Blanca?

Gracious, that sounds like
quite a bean feast.

I thought that's why you were here.

No, when you texted us and said
you were coming to Benidorm,

we just thought it was
a happy coincidence.

Oh, Donald, can't we stay on
another week?

I'm sorry, Jacqueline,
it's out of the question.

Yesterday I spent two euros
on a newspaper we didn't need.

I feel as though the handbrake
on our finances

has been totally disengaged.

My mate Pepe De La Cruz is making
a personal appearance this year.

Not the Pepe De La Cruz?
Yeah, we go back years. (LAUGHS)

Who is Pepe De La Cruz?

Oh, it's not that skunk
in them cartoons, is it?

(LAUGHS)
That's Pepe Le Pew.

Pepe De La Cruz
is an international legend.

He had quite an adult film career
in his day.

He was known as the king
of the swingers.

Pepe's basically retired
from the swinging scene now

but he does make a few personal
appearances now and again.

You don't want to meet him, do you?

You could actually get us an
audience with Pepe De La Cruz?

Well, security around him
and his wife's tight,

as you can well imagine, but there's
a party in his honour tonight.

I could pull a few strings.

Oh.
Same again? (LAUGHS)

Lovely!

You know, my uncle Cameron once cried

after kissing the Pope's ring on the
visit to the Vatican

in the early '60s. He said one day
I'd understand how he felt.

How right he was.

So did they get their refund or not?
I told you, I don't know.

What was the refund for?
I don't know.

Why are you bothered about that?

Why don't you get the money
she owes you from going to that spa?

You still haven't told me
how much it was.

Well, how much was it?

20 euro?

50? It can't have been more than 50.

400.
BOTH: 400?!

And 60.
460 euros?

I thought you went to a spa,
not frigging bought one!

Right, I'll sort this out.
Sit down.

You've got to be joking! You might
have taken leave of your senses

but I haven't.
Sit down.

I don't want the money back,
I'll pay for it.

Oh, you don't want the money back.
Well, I bloody well do.

Here we go.
An afternoon of extravagance

with The Attack of the 50ft Woman
and she thinks she's Zsa Zsa Gabor.

I don't want the money back
because I don't want her

thinking we can't afford it.
We can't afford it.

460 euros. The bloody holiday
didn't cost that much.

Shut up, shut up, the pair of you.

It's my problem
and I'll sort it out. 460!

Mother, I said shut up.
I'll sort it.

Mam, can I have some money
to go to the beach?

Well...?

May I just say, before you begin,

that I take full responsibility
for all recent events.

Well, that goes without saying.

As far as the Solana Benidorm
is concerned,

you are at the top of the tree.

But when the monkey
gets to the top of the tree,

everybody can see its arse.

(STAMMERS)
Well, yes, quite.

Anyway, what I was going to say was -
Hang on a minute, hang on a minute.

You see, Savage, my problem
is that you've gone over my head.

Right. We're not still talking
about the monkey, are we?

You've made major decisions
regarding this hotel

without consulting your superiors,
which have resulted in what can

only be described as a complete
contravention of Solana standards.

But can I say, in our defence, we
bought the pig with all good faith

and all hygiene standards
were adhered to

in line with the European
health regulations.

I am convinced the pig
had a jippy tummy when it was alive.

What the hell are you talking about?

The pig...for the eating
competition...

that gave all our guests
food poisoning.

You're telling me that your guests
got food poisoning? So what?

Welcome to Benidorm. I'm talking
about something far more serious.

You mean employing Mr Babcock
as assistant manager?

I can assure you that despite
his brief prison sentence

in Thailand for worrying cows,

his character and references are
second to none.

Savage!
Yes?

You did something to this hotel
that opposes every principle,

every criteria, every specification
that I set down

when I founded
the Solana Leisure Group in 1983.

What did I do?
You had the temerity

to have the hotel
upgraded to a four-star.

I don't understand.
Surely that's a good thing?

When people book the three-star
Solana Benidorm,

they expect a certain
level of service -

absolute crap.

So when they get here,
and they get more than that,

they're pleasantly surprised.
I see.

Tell them it's a three-star
and they expect sticky carpets,

egg and chips, karaoke.

Tell them it's a four-star

and you are opening a whole new
can of worms for yourself.

I didn't think.
No, you didn't.

We are budget and we're proud.

And the last thing we need
is some toffee-nosed social climber

trying to drag us
into the 21st century.

Toffee-nosed social climber?

I'm talking about you, Savage.
Oh, yes, of course, I'm sorry.

Does this mean that we're not
in trouble about the pig?

I mean, the food poisoning?
All I care about

is that you've not given this hotel
ideas above its station.

I want to see good, honest
working class people

enjoying a basic,
three-star holiday.

So we'll start with the rooms
and we'll work our way outside.

Do I make myself clear?

Well, apart from the word 'temerity',
yes, absolutely.

Oh, and one more thing.
Yes?

Large gin and slimline tonic.

If you'd like to follow me.

(COUGHS)

What happened?
You fell asleep again.

I need your help.
I'm not getting you a zinger burger.

I need you to help me
get out of here.

Kenneth, you've had a heart attack.

I haven't had a heart attack,
don't be so dramatic.

I had a few chest pains
and I was a bit short of breath.

You get out of that bed
and I'm calling for the doctor.

You've got to stop
playing this down.

I've told everyone at the Solana

that they didn't keep you
in hospital like you asked me to

but at some point,
you've got to face facts.

You're not a well man. I don't
want people worrying about me.

I don't want all this fuss,
I just wanna go home. No.

I'll be back later this afternoon.

If I hear you've been out of that
bed, that's me and you finished.

You can be quite
the Little Miss Bossy Pants

when you put your mind to it,
can't you?

You're my best friend
and I don't want to lose you.

I'll be back. Ooh, you're
like Arnold Schwarzenegger

with a tangerine rinse.

I'll see you later.

See you later, love.

I-I-I trust the rooms
were to your satisfaction?

Not bad.
The blinds are a little modern.

Why don't you see if you can get
some cheap net curtains? Absolutely.

You know, although we did manage
to scrape a four-star rating,

I'm pretty sure the accreditation
board would have no problem

putting us back down to a three.

So this new assistant manager
you're talking about, where is he?

Cyril? He, erm...

I believe it's
Mr Babcock's day off today.

Joyce, do you see the word 'idiot'
written across my forehead?

No.
Good.

There's a reason for that.
Now, let's start again.

Mr Babcock...

I'm not sure where he is.

Cyril...Mr Babcock
is an old friend of mine.

He has made a few mistakes

but I do believe he's the right man
for the job.

He's not just a friend, is he?
I can assure you

mine and Mr Babcock's relationship
is absolutely professional.

Oh, bollocks to that.

Come on, I've seen that look
in a woman's eye before.

I met all four of my husbands
on the job, so to speak.

Have you had an argument?
Just a misunderstanding.

I think he's licking his wounds
somewhere.

Slightly too much information
but I know what you mean.

Excuse me, you were incredibly rude
to my wife earlier.

Piss off, short arse, can't you see
we're having a conversation here?

Go on, shoo, shoo, shoo,
get off, get off.

Never forget the Solana's
two golden rules.

Number one, the customer
is always right.

And number two?
If the customer happens to be a man,

forget rule number one.

You're doing a great job here,
Savage.

Just remember to get
one of those stars taken down

from the front of the hotel and we
won't say any more about it, OK?

I understand. Elvis, I'm about
to leave the building.

Oh, and Joyce,
if your man doesn't come back,

maybe he wasn't right for you
in the first place.

Que sera sera.

Oh, Cyril.

.

.

I said to him, I don't care
how long it's been in the fryer,

I'm telling you that fish
just winked at me.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Good day to you.

My colleagues and I
have a reservation

in the name of De Groot.
I'll be with you in a second.

And then he says...

What did you say your name was?
Jan De Groot.

Are you the party from Neverland?

Neverland? We are from the
Netherlands. We are Dutch.

We are from Amsterdam.

Back, back.

Back, back.
Mateo, pass me that carpet. What?

The red carpet.
Really, this is not necessary.

Once second, just one second.

Gentlemen, it is of our greatest
of pleasure

to welcome you to the beautiful
sleepy fishing town of Benidorm

and the luxurious tranquility
that is the Solana.

(BURPS)

We are booking in for one night.
Our passports.

But of course,
may I say how handsome

you fine gentlemen
are looking today?

Er...thank you.

I like your hair.

Thank you.

Right, just a small amount
of paperwork to be done.

We'll have you in the lap of luxury
in two shakes of a duck's tail.

Look, mate, I'm not being funny
but it's me she fancies.

Why do you think that? Just cos
she asked you to meet her today?

Er...yeah. And because in Neptunes
last night she totally blanked you.

Mikey, no offence
but how stupid are you?

She's trying to get to me
through you.

Why would she do that?
Because she's a girl!

Girls don't go up to the guy
they fancy and ask them out,

they get friendly
with their best mate.

I'm telling you, if you would
have come here today without me,

she'd have been absolutely gutted.

Cerrado. What does that mean?

I remember seeing a sign
like that before

when I took a dump
in the Solana pool.

I think it means they're closed.

Come on, I knew
she wouldn't be here.

What have you done?
(LAUGHS)

What's wrong with you?
Lighten up, man, it's a joke.

Don't hang around,
you'll get caught.

As well as a list of Benidorm's
finest sex shops,

you will also find,
at the bottom of the page,

the number of Lucky Kev,
a small-time local drug dealer

who will keep you supplied
with all varieties of weed and puff

during your stay here at the Solana.

Ah, yes, we also have a small
afternoon snack for you all,

a 'horses doovrey'
to make you feel at home.

Enjoy.

The first shop on the list
is less than 1km away.

Give me that!

Get out the way.

Hello?
Don't you 'hello' me.

I beg your pardon?
What's going on?

What's going on?
Oh, you've got some front.

What is it that you want?

You practically mugged my daughter
in broad daylight.

I should call the police.
Why don't I get us all a drink?

Yeah, offer to get a round of drinks
in an all-inclusive hotel.

That's about as far
as your generosity stretches.

I've met you people before,
short arms and long pockets.

I haven't got short arms.
You're tight as a duck's arse

and you've got a face to match.
That's my wife you're talking to.

Ooh, you knew which one I meant,
then.

I think you should come back
when you're sober.

Oh, shit.

Mick, Mick, wake up.

I haven't touched a drop,
unlike your freeloading family,

I've seen you,
guzzling down the free booze

like someone's
gonna take it away from you.

Mother, what are you doing?

What do you mean, freeloading? We've
paid for our holiday just like you.

Oh, yeah, and you're trying
to wriggle out of that, as well.

For God's sake, Mother.
Tell her you want your money back.

I don't want any money back.
Why don't we all have a drink?

That's what I said.

They should be locked up and their
ugly kids should be in care.

What?! I have no idea what
the maximum sentence in Spain is

for breaking a pensioner's neck but
I am more than willing to find out.

(SCREAMS)
What are you doing?

I'm not doing anything!
(SCREAMS)

Mick, get her out of it!

You'll have to pay for that,
as well.

Mam, come on.

I've got you.

Check again. Donald and Jacqueline
Stewart. We're friends of -

Donald, where have you been?

Sorry, we had a nap this afternoon
after our drinks at the Solana.

You know what they say,
siesta before fiesta.

It's OK, they're with me.

My goodness,
this looks quite a party.

Oh, yes. There's a big movie
being made in Alicante.

There's quite a few faces in town

and of course, they all want
to meet Pepe, he's a bit of a cult.

Oh, that's a shame, a lot
of famous people can be a -

No, cult.

Oh!

Right, let's get some drinks,
have a mingle,

then we can go through
and meet Pepe.

Wonderful.

Elena.

What are you doing here?
Tiger, how are you?

Yeah, I'm good. What's going on?
I was looking for Michael.

He's, erm...gone.

Gone? Yeah, his family
went out...into Benidorm...

for dinner.
Oh.

You don't know where?
No, sorry, they didn't say.

Then he flies home tomorrow.

Are you busy tonight?
I wrote down my number, my Facebook.

Could you get these to Michael?
I can try.

So about tonight...you
doing anything?

I have to be with my family.
Our pedalos were stolen today,

it has brought us many problems.

OK, well...I'll see what I can do.

Oops.

What's going on?
Nothing. Mind your own business.

Your mate's been asking
where you are. What mate?

Oh, no, that's right,
you haven't got any.

Michael.
Oh, yeah.

Tell him I'm coming for food,
then I've got a date.

Tell him yourself.

# GENE PITNEY: 24 Hours From Tulsa

That's the scooter deposit money
they owe us for, as well.

Don't look at them. I'm trying
not to, I'm just about to eat.

Look, just leave them alone
and they won't bother us.

We're off home tomorrow,
we'll never see them again.

Are you trying to say that
I can't stay in touch with Tiger?

Over my dead body.
There's an offer you can't refuse.

'Pargo rojo frito o en salsa.'
Bloody hell,

they've given us the menu
written in Spanish.

This place is going right down hill.

Nosey.
You found a friend at last?

Yeah, I have, as it goes.

Look at them...staring at us.

They've got absolutely no shame.
Just ignore them.

This is all your fault.
Of course it is.

I'm serious. I know you are,
I'm agreeing with you.

Everything's my fault.
Don't be smart, Clive.

Well, what do you want me to say?
Just tell me and I'll say it.

# Blue moon

# You saw me standing alone #

Why didn't Kenneth want anyone to
know he's been taken into hospital?

He just doens't want everybody
knowing his business.

Oh, aye, I understand that.

If gossip was gold, everyone
in this town would be a millionaire.

Right, line up the shots, Lesley,
I am back in business.

What are you doing?
What?

Kenneth, you promised
to stay in bed.

I'm fine, just leave it, Liam. No,
I'm sorry if you think I'm nagging

but the doctor said you need
two weeks complete bed rest.

It may have escaped your notice
but I am a grown man

who is capable of making
his own decisions.

You are a grown man and you'll do
whatever you want, you usually do,

but you're also my friend.

You absolutely do my head in
sometimes...

..but I love you. I love you
like the brother I never had

and...I don't know what I'd do...

I don't know what I'd do
if I ever lost you.

All right, enough.
I'm going before you set me off.

Come here.

Straight to bed, please?

I've got to get some numbers
out the salon

to cancel some appointments
but after that,

I promise, straight to bed.

Are you all right, son?

As long as Kenneth's OK, I'll be OK.

I don't know what
you're worried about.

By Benidorm standards,
he's practically an athlete.

So you see, it was simply
a huge misunderstanding.

I mean, actually it's quite funny
when one stops and thinks about it.

He gave us a list
of local sex shops.

A list? How many are there?

The one in the old town
looks very good.

It was not my fault. I looked up
Amsterdam on the interweb.

I think this is a case
of you shooting on the messenger.

I would like to stress that we
are not without a sense of humour

but this was a case
of mass stereotyping

and blatant xenophobia.

Not all people from Amsterdam

are Edam cheese eating,
sex mad drug takers.

The tulips in the room
were a nice touch. Shut up!

You have my personal guarantee that
you will all be treated with dignity

and respect for the remainder
of your stay.

Well, we are leaving in the morning.

I appreciate your words.

Now, as you know, we've been trying
our best to attract more customers

from the Netherlands.
I'm sure a staff photograph

with such high profile dignitaries
as yourselves

would give us a helping hand.

Yeah, yeah, that will be fine.

And now especially
for Mr Jan De Grope,

there's a name for you,
and our visitors from Amsterdam,

we have the Dutch National Anthem.

And what better time than now?
Lesley!

# A mouse lived in a windmill
in old Amsterdam

Say Edam.
Edam!

# He wasn't grousing,
he sang every morning

# How lucky I am

# Living in a windmill
in old Amsterdam

# I saw a mouse
Where?!

# There on the stair

# Where on the stair?
# Right there #

.

.

It will probably be just
a quick hello with Pepe,

I hope you don't mind. Just to meet
him is a dream come true.

He doesn't speak any English
but his wife's British

so it won't be awkward.

Actually, she's Scottish,
you might even know her.

Like when Americans think if you
live in the UK, you know the Queen.

We know loads of queens.

(LAUGHS)

Donald Stewart, oh, my God.

Aggie Campbell, I don't believe it!

Oh, memories. What on earth
are you doing here?

We're friends of Queenie but
we holiday in Benidorm every year.

I'm so sorry,
this is my wife Jacqueline.

Jacqueline, this is an old flame
of mine Aggie Campbell.

Aggie. Nobody's called me
that for 30 years.

You look amazing. You look
not too bad, yourself. (LAUGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT) Oh, I'm sorry,
this is my husband Pepe.

It's an absolute honour and
a pleasure to meet you, Mr Le Pew.

I mean Mr De La Cruz.
Sorry, I'm a bit nervous.

Buenos Noches.

Nervous about meeting him?
You've got to be joking.

How long have you been married?
Where did you meet?

What have you been doing these past,
goodness knows how many years?

So many questions, Donald,
so little time.

I'll tell you what, why don't the
five of us split from this place?

We could go and have dinner
somewhere.

Old Pepe's tired of pop stars
kissing his arse, anyway.

Is that OK with you, Queenie? You
know me, Donald, I'm easy! (LAUGHS)

Fan-bloody-tastic.
(LAUGHS)

(KNOCKS)

We're closed. Come back tomorrow.

(SIGHS)
Who is it?

Who's there?

All right, Kenneth? How's it going?

What do you want?

I'm Norman the doorman
from Herbert's club.

I know who you are.
What do you want?

That's not very friendly.

What's that? Your uncle Herbert was
dead chuffed to see you last week

but he's also a businessman.
What does that mean?

The fact is...

..he was actually a bit pissed off

that there's a hairdressers in
Benidorm that didn't belong to him...

so he bought it.
Herbert bought Blow and Go?

But it's not for sale. Everything's
for sale if you've got enough money.

Anyway, that's your rent demand.

Herbert always takes
his first year's rent up front.

A year's rent?
You've got to be joking.

And rates and utilities and
insurance.

Herbert thinks the world of you,
Kenneth but business is business.

Are you OK?

I'm fine.

Total amount payable...zero. That's
just Herbert's slightly dramatic way

of saying he's bought
the salon...for you.

What?
Well, it's in his name

but you can stay here rent-free
for as long as you like.

I can't believe this.

Wh-why didn't he come in and see me
or just give me a ring?

I know.

He's a great guy, Herbert,
but he can be one camp old bastard.

I'd better get back to work.

Drop in the club sometime.
Your name's always on the door.

Who exactly apologised?
All three of them.

My mam said sorry for being moody
at the spa,

my dad said sorry
for having a go at you

and my nana said sorry
for being rude. It's about time.

They also said if you wanna
go for a drink at the bar later,

the first round's on them.
It's all-inclusive.

I know, I think it was a joke.

I don't know how but I think
we got away with that.

Of course. Who on the earth

knows what the Dutch National Anthem
is like, anyway?

Possibly the Dutch.

Oh, yes.

Right, I'm done in.
I'm having an early night.

Miss Temple-Savage, are you OK?

No, no, I'm not OK.
You are worried about Squirrel, no?

It's just so out of character for
him to leave without saying goodbye.

He did not say why in his letter?

What letter?
Oops.

What are you talking about?
No, no letter.

Mateo, what letter?

One of the staff, she put
the letter under your door...

from Squirrel.

When? I've had no letter.
Why didn't you say?

It was yesterday but Squirrel
told her not to say anything.

But there was no letter under my...

Unless...

They definitely apologised?
Yeah.

Which one?
All of them.

The mam said sorry about the spa,

the dad said sorry
for having a go at you

and Tiger apologised for...well,
letting me get a tattoo,

even though it wasn't his fault.

I don't believe it.
Well, that's up to you

but they did, they apologised

and they want to have a drink
with us at the bar.

(CYRIL)
'My darling, Joyce.

This is such a difficult
letter to write.

I'm using one of those
little betting shop pens

and the top of it
keeps digging into my hand.

But it's also difficult because
I know how I've let you down.

I put your career in jeopardy
and that is inexcusable.

I once put my late wife
Genevieve's job in danger

when she worked as a rat catcher
in the late '80s.

Being the animal lover I am,
I stayed up one night

loosening all the springs
on her traps.

But I digress.

If you feel you can forgive me

and you think there is some way
I can redeem myself,

I'll be in the Julio Iglesias square
all day Tuesday

alone with my thoughts.

If I haven't heard from you
by six o'clock,

I'll start making my way
to Alicante airport.

I have an open return ticket and I'll
be flying on the 9:30 to Gatwick

with my hand on my heart
and a tear in my eye.

I'm not sure I've convinced you,
Joyce,

so please forgive me
as I play my final card.

Joyce, I love you.

I've always loved you
and I always will love you.

I just hope you feel the same way.

Forever yours, Squirrel.'

So whereabouts are you going, then?

I told you,
I've got a bit of business.

Yeah, I know, you said.
What does that even mean?

Ask no questions,
I'll tell you no lies, mate.

All right, whatever.

Maybe see you in the morning
or summat. Yeah. Sweet.

I know what you did, you know.

What did I do? You told your lot
the same as you told my lot

and they both think
each other apologised.

So what? It worked, didn't it?
Why did you do that?

Because it's the right thing to do.
And you always do the right thing?

No, I don't but when I do,
it usually makes me feel better.

Especially if my family's
involved...

..and friends.

I thought you were going
to sort out your 'bit of business'?

Mikey, I...I can't believe this,

I completely forgot
to tell you something. What?

That girl Elena, from the beach,
she was looking for you.

You're joking? When?

Earlier tonight.

I looked for you
but you weren't around

so I said for her to meet you
on the beach tonight at 9:30.

It's 9:30 now. And the beach
is what? 90 seconds away.

If I run.
So run!

subtitles by Deluxe

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