All language subtitles for Benidorm S06E06 1080p WEB DL H264 BTN_track3_[eng]

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# LOUIS ARMSTRONG:
What A Wonderful World

# I see trees of green

# Red roses too

# I see them bloom

# For me and you
And I think to myself

Stand by. I will need your help.

This one is crazy.

# What a wonderful world... #

Hola. Hello, love.

Do you know you are too early for
breakfast?

You are going to have to wait at
least another half hour.

It's all right, love.

I was just enjoying the view.

Oh, I can move if I'm in your way.

No, no, you can stay here.
The view's all-inclusive.

Have you ever thought
why we're here?

I am at work, you are on holiday.

No, I mean, why we're put on the
earth in the first place -

what's it all about?

I am sorry, I am not qualified to
answer these questions.

I suggest you try business centre.
They have the inter-web there.

What's going on? Where's the
breakfast?

You are too early.

Oh! I'll kill that DJ from Cafe B.

He always plays Islands In The
Stream at a quarter to eight

so I know I've got 15 minutes
to get here, to get my breakfast.

Idiot. Oh, my head is banging.

You haven't got a light have you,
love?

Yes, love. Cheers.

(COUGHS) You can keep that.

Oh, nice one. Are you sure? Yeah.

You may as well have these as well.

You're not stopping, are you?

The doctors gave me
six months to live.

Really?

That was five months ago.

Believe me, son, if you know what's
good for you,

you'll start looking after yourself.

Right.

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to sit
in the shade.

# Yes

Think about what I said, son.
# I think to myself

# What a wonderful world

Bloody hell.

You certainly know how to put
someone off their bacon butty.

# Oh, yeah #

JANICE: Come on. Come on!

What are you doing? You know what
I'm doing.

I'm trying to get through to Doctor
Kundu.

(SIGHS) It's a quarter to eight.

I know. They open at eight.
Somebody might be there.

It's a quarter to eight here, so
it's a quarter to seven at home.

I know Dr Kundu's
receptionist looks keen..

Hello, this is Janice Garvey,
again,

calling about my mother
Madge Harvey.

We need Dr Kundu to ring us back on
the mobile number I left last night

as soon as possible, please.

What did you say?
We're an hour in front.

It's a quarter to seven there.

Oh, I'd forgotten about the time
difference.

Look, why don't we just -
(DRILLING)

Sssh! What can you hear?

Nowt much.

Bit of drilling, but that might be
Donald and Jacqueline,

they're only a couple of floors
away. She's not coughing.

My mother's not coughing. You know
she can't breathe in the mornings.

Mam! MAM!

It'll be me that can't breathe when
this bloody phone bill comes in.

(GRUNTS)

My mother isn't in her room. Where
is she? How the frig should I know?

Calm down. My mother's got four
weeks to live.

Don't you tell me to calm down!
Janice.

Janice!

(SIGHS) I swear to God, Madge,

if this whole thing is your idea of
a joke,

you won't have four hours to live,
never mind four weeks.

(GRUNTS)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

I'm sorry, I don't even know what a
vajazzle is,

but I'll ask Kenneth our head
stylist to call you back.

It's what?

Oh, I'm not sure Kenneth will be up
for that, to be honest,

but you can always ask...

That's right. Pensioner's 50% off
day is Wednesday.

All right. Take care.

Oh! Ho-oh!

Hey, have you seen Squirrel?

Who? Squirrel. Squirrel Bigcock.

Oh, Cyril, he was sniffing about
earlier.

Do you know, I heard when Miss
Temple-Savage found Squirrel in
Benidorm, he was a vagabundo.

I think you say tramp. You're
joking.

No wonder he looks like the cat who
got the cream.

Squirrel has a cat?

No, man, I just mean getting the
job here, he's landed on his feet.

Ah, yes, a cat will always land on
his feet. You didn't know this?

Well, now, gentlemen...

Oh, apologies, lady and gentleman.

Mm. It would appear we have a
staff/work ratio imbalance.

Meaning you obviously have nothing
to do. Well, not to worry.

Help is at hand. Lesley, I'd like
you to put up these posters and
distribute these leaflets.

I'm supposed to be on reception.
Have you never heard of delegation?

That's what Roy Castle had, wasn't
it? That was dedication.

Roy and I were very close,
actually.

I once doubled for his feet in a
cornflake commercial.

No, I was talking about... Look,
just get those out.

Excuse me, have you seen my mother?
Madam, do you mind?

We happen to have a dress code.

These may be known as the common
areas, but they're not that common.

Have you seen Madge?
I'm sorry, pet, I haven't.

Madam, I must ask you to -
Oh, shut up!

Have you seen my mother? I think
she's by the pool.

Appropriate clothing must be worn
at all times in the communal - Ooh!

You haven't seen my wife, have you?
She went that way. Thanks.

Dad, what's going on? Is this place
always like this? Yes. Oh.

What is going on?

Just a minor disturbance.
I've read them the riot act,

vis-a-vis appropriate clothing in
the hotel.

Oh. I don't think we'll have
any more trouble there.

Now...cigarette break, I think.

(GIGGLES)

You see, Lesley, that's a manager.

Someone on his feet.

Has a natural authority over others.
Someone who has a history of -

Being a tramp. A history of being a
tramp.

I beg your pardon? Nothing.

Just go easy on the tittle-tattle,
Lesley.

Loose lips sink ships.

I cannot understand a word anyone
says today.

Morning. Morning, son.

(SCREAMS)

(SHRIEKS)

Oh, what's going on? Where am I?

I'm sorry! I'm sorry. That was my
fault. I thought you were dead.

Why did you think I was dead? You
were lying with your head in the
sink at eight in the morning.

I must have fallen asleep.

You've been out all night again,
haven't you? Yeah.

Are you still getting them twinges?
Yeah.

I think it's time for a major
lifestyle change, don't you?

Yeah, just what I was thinking.

Do you know if they've started
breakfast yet? I could murder some
black pudding.

(GROANS)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

What's all the racket?

What, all the slamming doors,
arguing and shouting?

Just another morning at the Solana
lunatic asylum.

Such a lovely place to bring your
family on holiday (!)

What are you doing out here?

I was having trouble hearing the
slamming doors above your snoring.

I'm getting in the shower.

Ooh, I have found a lovely health
spa, 10 minutes away - five-star.

I thought we could spend the day
there.

What, all of us? How much is it?

What's that got to do with
anything? It's a nice day, today.

It'd be a crime to stuck indoors.

(ARGUING CONTINUES)

Nowhere near the crime I will
commit,

if I don't get out of this pigsty!
(SIGHS)

Mother, what are you doing here?
I've been sick with worry.

What is there to worry about?
Janice, go up and get changed.

I'll sit with your mother. Why does
anybody need to sit with me?

Right, we're going home. What?

Your grandmother has got four weeks
to...

We're going home. Mick, get the
flights changed.

We're only here for another few
days. Mick's right.

We may as well finish our holiday.

What did you just say? I said
we may as well finish our holiday.

No, no, before that. I said you're
right.

Michael, how do you do the voice
recorder thing on this phone?

Madam, I must insist you change into
something more appropriate.

Go up and get changed. Come on,
Mum, I'll go with you.

Keep trying the doctor.
All right, I will.

We're not here to spoil anybody's
fun,

but standards must be maintained.

Aye, all right.

I'll go and get us a coffee. Oh,
thanks, love.

We've had trouble from you before.

One more incident and you'll get a
lifetime ban from all Solana hotels.

That won't make much difference to
me, love.

I've only got four weeks to live.

Mm-hm.

.

.

Are you black?

No.

Are you white? Yes.

Are you in the entertainment
industry? Yes.

Are you a singer?

Er, yes.

Are you Cheryl Cole? No.

Are you over 50? Yes.

Su Pollard. No.

Do you want a clue? Go on.

We once shared a Jacuzzi with this
celebrity,

which resulted in it having to be
drained and industrially cleaned.

Could you narrow it down a bit?

# What's it all about, Alfie? #

Alfie? You said you were a woman.

I'm Cilla Black.

Of course. I knew I should have
asked,

'Did this celebrity's collar not
match her cuffs?'

Oh, yeah.

Competition this afternoon. Free
entry.

We're gonna have a spit roast.

Sounds like our kind
of competition. Mm.

Mmm.

Anyone fancy going to the beach?

No?

Nobody fancy going to the beach? I'm
not keen on beaches.

I've ended up with sand in some
very strange places over the years.

Oh.

B, do you fancy going to the beach?
The beach sounds nice.

Going with who? With me.

Oh. How can I put this, without
hurting your feelings? No.

You're coming to the spa with me,
aren't you, bubs? What spa?

I sent you a text about it.

What are we doing, texting each
other,

when we're in adjoining rooms?

The world's gone mad. I don't want
to go to a spa.

I've been groped by enough dirty
Spaniards this week, thank you.

There is nothing to do here.

Hombre versus Food competition,
this afternoon, free entry.

Eat a whole pig and win a T-shirt.
(GIGGLES)

That sounds disgusting.

I don't mind a bit of pig, as it
goes.

You wanna be careful.

For you, that's practically
cannibalism.

Oh, what have I done now?

(RATTLING)

# BILL CONTI: Gonna Fly Now
(Theme From Rocky)

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Come on, feel the burn!

The only burn I'm getting is
heartburn.

I knew I shouldn't have had that
black pudding.

Come on! Stronger! Faster! Harder!

Well, if I had a Euro for
every time I've shouted that...

Stop talking, keep going. (PANTS)

I'm gonna die.

(PANTS) I'm gonna die.

Come on, Kenneth!

(COUGHS)

(SIGHS) You've only gone up three
steps.

Three steps? I feel like I've run a
marathon.

(KENNETH FARTS) Oh! Ooh!

Oh, my God, what was in that
powdered drink you gave me?

It was a protein shake. (FARTS)

Ooh! I've got enough gas in me to
get to Alicante!

Protein's good for you, you should
drink as much of it as possible.

Believe me, love, you're preaching
to the converted.

I was talking about the shake.
(FARTS)

Oh, no. No, it's no good.

I'm gonna have to change these
shorts for something more
heavy-duty.

I see trouble on the horizon.

Why don't we start with something
more gentle?

How about a jog on the beach?
Perfect.

What are you doing? (DIALS)

Just ringing for a taxi. How else
are we gonna get to the beach?

(RINGING TONE)

It's a shame
we can't stay a few more weeks.

It would've been nice to spend my
last few days in the summer.

Do we have to talk about it, Nana?

Sorry, son, I didn't mean to upset
you.

Oh, they're still engaged. Right, I
need to stretch my legs.

Who wants a drink? Keep ringing
them!

Same again, everyone? Lovely.

The doctor might have made a
mistake, Nana.

Oh, I don't think so, son.

They're very clever men.

I've had a good life. I've no
complaints.

(RINGING) Hello?

This is her husband, Mick Garvey.

Yeah, she has been ringing you, but
you've been engaged.

You've been trying to call us back
and we've been engaged.

Right, sorry about that.

Yeah, yeah, I'm free to speak now,
thank you.

They're putting me through to the
doctor.

Do you wanna speak to him?

Hello, Dr Kundu.

Mick Garvey.

Yeah. Thanks for ringing back.

My wife was just wanting
to speak to you...

It sounds lovely, but I don't think
I will today, thank you.

Facial, massage, hot steam.

Maybe a body wrap.

No. You should take a little bit
more care of yourself.

I'm sorry? This isn't pampering.

It's maintenance.

People see facials and massage as a
luxury,

but they need to be part of every
woman's weekly routine.

I'm a beauty therapist.

Yeah, you've said.

Here you go, pet, that's your
drinks. Thanks, love.

Hey, Cyril's looking for you.

Aren't you supposed to be going up
the Old Town with him? Ostia!

Let me know if
you change your mind.

I would love to get
my hands on your T-zone.

Aye.

(I bet you would.)

So, you're a beauty therapist.
That's right.

Oh, I've often thought I should try
and break into the beauty industry.

Yeah, well,
I recommend you do it at night,

when nobody can see you.

Has he got through? They rang us.

All right, Mikey? Don't fancy
a walk to the beach, do you?

I don't think he will, love, not
today.

Oh. OK.

Sorry to bother you.

Right, thanks very much.

Thank you, Doctor.

Madge, what can you remember about
the conversation with Dr Kundu,

when he told you
you had six months to live?

What do you mean? I mean, can you
remember anything unusual

about the manner in which he gave
you this devastating news?

I don't know what you're talking
about. Well, let's put it this way.

If a doctor was telling me
I had six months to live,

I assume he'd be diplomatic,
well-mannered, friendly even...

Oh, no. He was an absolute bastard,

shouting and screaming at me.

He couldn't get me out of his office
soon enough.

And you've no idea why?

I've stopped trying to understand
people like that a long time ago.

Well, I've just spoken to Dr Kundu
and,

even though it was over five months
ago,

he had no trouble remembering when
you went to see him.

Mick, get to the point. The point is
your mother has been banned

from seeing every doctor in the
health centre for various reasons,

ranging from racism to threatening
behaviour.

I'm not a racialist.

I've got everything Winifred Atwell
ever recorded.

Dr Kundu was the only one who'd see
you.

When he found out you'd written to
the Manchester Evening News,

just because you suspected he had a
drink problem,

he banned you from the health
centre.

Yes and, after all that, he then
told me I had six months to live.

Ha! He even said he wished I'd be
dead sooner.

He told you,
you had six months to LEAVE!

When people are banned from the
health centre,

they're given time to find another
doctor.

He said he wished he could get rid
of you sooner, but he had to give
you six months to LEAVE.

Six months to leave?

Not six months to live?

Yes.

Well, how am I supposed
to understand him,

with that bloody accent?

I'm off to the beach.

Take your phone. (SIGHS)

Mother, did you not think
to ask for a few more details?

He's not a real doctor, his wife
used to be married to a vicar.

What's that got to do
with anything?

Ha! So, I've been sitting here, not
smoking, keeping out of the sun,

because my doctor can hardly
string a sentence together.

(SNARLS) They should all be put up
against a wall and shot!

Where are you off to now? To get
some bloody cigs!

I don't believe it.

Well, one good thing
has come out of all of this.

What's that? Out the way! Move!

Madge is back.

Why am I here?

You, my friend, are here to carry
the pig?

So why are you here? I am here to
pay for the pig.

Why did you not just give me
the 200 Euros for the pig?

Because, young man, armed with the
negotiating skills of

a blind, drunken goat, you would've
paid 200 Euros.

I thought you wanted the pig, not a
goat.

I'm about to come out of that shop,

having paid only 50 Euros for said
pig.

The price is 200. How you pay 50?

Stand back, my friend, watch and
learn,

as the master goes to work.

Excuse me, you see that pig in the
window?

Well, I'll give you 20 Euros. No?
All right, 30?

I'll give you the... Thank you.

(MUTTERS) He won't move on
the price of the pig.

Come on, I've got another idea.

What are we doing here? This is
disgusting.

Take it from someone who knows:

fresh meat guidelines are
ludicrously stringent.

If this meat was thrown away today,
there is nothing wrong with it,
so long as it's cooked today.

You want us to cook meat that has
been thrown away?

(FLIES BUZZING)

Bingo!

# Closest to the bone

# Sweeter is the meat

# Last slice of Virginia ham

# Is the best... #
Looks just the job, that.

Yes. You don't eat pig?

I will not be eating this one,
I saw where it came from.

Yeah, you can get emotionally
attached to 'em,

if you've seen 'em running about,
and that.

I was the same when I went to see
the film Winnie The Pooh.

You never ate pooh again?

Piglet. Piglet was one of the
characters in Winnie The Pooh.

Honestly, you try and have a decent
conversation...

# Closest to the bone

# And sweeter is the meat! #

Hiya. I've changed my mind, if you
still fancy going.

To the spa, that is. Ooh! You don't
need to ask me twice.

Ooh, are you coming, bubs? Girls'
day out?

No, I'm sunbathing.

Oh, OK, my sweet pea.

Mwah!

(CONTINUES SMOOCHING)

(GIGGLES)

You don't know how much it is, do
you?

My treat, Jan. Come on.

Here, do you know what that barman
just said to me?

No.

What's going on, am I invisible or
what?

Sorry, pal, I didn't see you there.

Come on, Kenneth, no pain, no gain.

Oh, I can't breathe.

Work through the pain.

Sorry, I...

(PANTS)

That's better.

This is more like it.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

No, my friend, THAT is more like it.

Hola. Pedalo for you today?

Any freebies, going? No, sorry?

And what about the pedalos?

(LAUGHS)

Listen, we'd love to hire a pedalo,
but my mate, he's scared of water.

He can't swim - I can swim.

Argh!

And, well, he's a bit nervous.

Maybe, if you could join us, you
know, safety in numbers.

I'm not nervous.

He always says that when he's
nervous. Wait here.

What did you say that for? Don't
screw this up, Mikey.

I know what I'm doing.

Well, if you have someone who
cannot swim, I shall come with you.

What did I tell you? (CHUCKLES)

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(TRANQUIL MUSIC)

I bet you could get used to this,
couldn't you, Jan?

That massage was nice.

Mm. Mine was built like
Schwarzenegger.

His hands were going everywhere.
Really? Mm.

I had this massive German woman
called Ingrid who smelled like
window putty.

Mine was very masculine.

Big muscles, huge moustache.

Sounds a bit like Ingrid.

But it's important to look after
ourselves at our age.

I say our age, I bet
you're not that much older than me.

No.

It's difficult though.

I have a PT at home.

Oh, mine's getting worse.

I'm forever snapping at the kids.

And, two weeks out of every month,
I can't get my jeans on.

What? Pre-menstrual tension.

Is that not what you meant?

PT - personal trainer, for the gym.

Oh, sorry.

His name's Chad. He's an American
and 32.

£70 an hour but, my God,
he is worth every penny.

£70 an hour?

Jesus!

I'd want him to be building me an
extension at the same time for that
kind of money.

Believe me, I have tried to budget,
but I don't know how you do it.

But I see you've got that lovely
thing my mother had.

You don't care how you look as long
as your kids are turned out nice.

I respect you for that.

I think I'm gonna have a shower and
get dressed.

OK, Jan. I might have a cheeky five
minutes in the steam room,

but I will see you
in the reception.

Yeah. These floors are dead slippy.

Mind you don't fall and break your
neck.

Cheers, Jan.

(And it's Janice.)

I cannot close your account until
your friend has finished her
treatments.

Would you just like to pay for your
treatments, Mrs Gravy?

It's Garvey.

How much is it?

Your personal invoice comes to 210
Euros.

I think I'll wait for my friend.

No problem. Please, take a seat.

(FLAMENCO-STYLE MUSIC)

Come on now, ladies and gentlemen.

We have space for one more
competitor.

The rules are very simple.

All you have to do is eat.

No takers?

There.

Oh, thank you, sir. Step right this
way.

(Bloody hell, I think
we should have got a bigger pig.)

We may as well all forget it. Jimmy
Five Bellies has got it in the bag.

Hiya.

Look at the state of you two.

You look as if you couldn't manage a
mouthful each. I'm sorry?

That pig is going down. Down my
throat.

You know-hopers
haven't got a chance.

All right, Donald, calm down, it's
only a bit of fun.

Oh, I don't mean to be rude, this is
just jive talk.

All big fighters do it before a
match.

You're eating a plate of pork, not
going 12 rounds with Mike Tyson.

Bring on the meat!

Are you sure you wanna do this, B?

I can drink or eat
any man under the table.

There you go. She's got the idea.

Your mother wouldn't know a plate of
pork if it hit her in the face.

Are you talking about my family?
Sorry.

The rules are very simple.

Eat as much pig as you can.

Mind the crackling.

There's no runners up, it's winner
takes all.

OK, we are now full to capacity.

Very full.

Gentlemen, and lady, raise your
forks.

Three, two, one, eat!
(KLAXON)

# BAHA MEN: Who Let The Dogs Out?

# Who let the dogs out?

# Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

# Who let the dogs out?

# Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

# Who let the dogs out?

# Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? #

(GULLS CRY)

Tiger, you need to wear your life
vest.

Come on, let's get this bitch
steaming. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, I don't mean you, I mean the
pedalo.

If Elena says you should wear your
life vest, you should wear it.

Aw, listen to him.

I told you he gets nervous around
water.

I'm not nervous, I'm just saying if
we're going far out,

then I think you should put it on.

(Just keep pedalling, mate.)

(The only thing to worry about is
what to do with yourself when me and
Elena go for a swim.)

Where have you been? You said you
were gonna be five minutes.

Sorry, Jan, I nodded off in the
steam room.

Mind you, look at the results.

I know I shouldn't say it myself,
but my skin looks amazing.

I'd like to settle our bill, thank
you.

The total for both of you is 460
Euros.

Worth every penny. Janice.

My name's Janice.

If I can get your name right,
Tonya,

I'm sure you can manage 'Janice'.

Oh, dear. I think someone should
have spent a few more minutes

in the hydrotherapy
relaxation tank.

Erm... Everything all right?

Sorry, your card has broken.

Broken? Oh, my God! Look at that.

Well, I did give it quite a
hammering before I came out here.

You haven't got a card on you, have
you, Jan?

Sorry, Janice? That's the only one
I brought with me.

Can't we just come back
with another card?

Sorry. I don't know if this card's
gonna work.

I don't know what the overdraught
is.

We can settle up later, can't we?

Your secret number, please.

I tell you what,
I'll get next time.

I can't wait for
another deep-tissue massage.

I'll see you outside.
It's getting a bit warm in here.

Thank you, Mrs Gravy.

That has gone through just fine.

17, 18,

19...

You've not been doing 'em! Liam,
love, I'm absolutely shagged out.

Can we go back now? No!

You wanted to get fit and the only
way to do that is to push through
the pain barrier.

I've already nearly pushed through
once, in these shorts.

That protein drink should carry a
health warning,

and washing instructions, at least.

Kenneth, you drink too much, you
smoke too much, you eat too much.

How do you think you can go on like
this? Who said I eat too much?

We have to go to Albir to the
all-you-can-eat restaurant, as
you've been banned from Benidorm.

That is not true. I'm not banned
from Mr Wu's.

They just ask that I bring my own
reinforced chair to sit on.

You're asked to bring a chair to an
all-you-can-eat restaurant because
you break their furniture.

You can't be happy with that.
Happy? I'm livid.

Do you know how much that chair
weighs?

I can't carry that all round town
with me. Listen to yourself.

Is this the person you want to be?

No, of course it's not,

but I've not done this exercise
thing before.

I'm finding it really difficult.

A journey of 1,000 miles starts
with one step.

1,000 miles? Are you taking the
piss?

I'm supposed to meet Derek and Mark
in the Old Town at eight.

It's just a saying. It means things
might be difficult now

but, if we do a little bit every
day...

Come on, then. What's next?

Power-walk up to the cross.

Up to the cross? Are you joking?
That'll kill me!

There's a great view down onto the
nudist beach from there.

Ooh, you little swine.

You know me far too well.

Come on, then.

I'm coming.
# Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

# Who let the dogs out?

# Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

# Who let the dogs out?

# Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

# Who let the dogs out? #

Oh, come on, shovel it in.

I've seen you eat more at breakfast.
Will you shut up?

Right, that's me done.

I've got pig fatigue. Don't eat it
if you can't face it, B.

I'm on my second plate,
lightweight.

Go on, girl.

Watch that one. Watch her.
She's shoving it down her socks.

I know all the tricks.
You can't fool me.

I'm not wearing socks, you silly
cow.

That's my mother-in-law you're
talking to.

You're saying she's not a silly
cow?! Fair point well made.

So we're one down and seven
remaining.

Ooh, you're back. Fancy a bit of
pork?

No, I don't.

I thought you went to a health spa?

You look shocking. Thanks (!)

You should ask for your money back.
Don't worry.

I intend to.

(THREATENING MUSIC)

I think we should turn back.
We are passed the safety marker.

We need to turn back. But, first, I
need to cool off.

Tiger, the water is too deep here.
You must put on your life vest.

I could lose my job if my uncle
comes back and sees how far we are
out here.

Wooo!

Mate, stop messing around.

We're too far out. Come on, Elena,
it's beautiful.

Why is your friend such an asshole?

I've been trying to figure that one
out for the last week.

(THREATENING MUSIC)

Oh, my God. Michael, what is wrong?

I think I just saw something.

What? What did you see, Michael?

I think I saw a shark. A shark?!

(LAUGHS) There are no sharks in the
Mediterranean.

Well, not in this part, it'll be a
dolphin.

I don't think it was.

Mate, I think you should come back,
there's something in the water!

What? I can't hear you. There's
something in the water.

There's something in the water!

(LAUGHS) You can't get me with that
one, mate.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Help me! I'm gonna die!

Don't panic, it's only a dolphin.
Oh, my goodness.

What's wrong? Help me! That is not
a dolphin!

I'm gonna die! Help me! Help!

What are you doing, Michael?

Michael!

Stop thrashing about, you dick!

Michael, hurry!

(GRUNTS)

Quickly!

Get hold of him!

(SCREAMS)

(GIGGLES)

What is wrong with you? Oh, my God!

You ought to see your faces!

Oh, man, that was class!

My mate nearly had a heart attack.

(GUFFAWS)

Oh, please, stop.

(GIGGLES)

I can't breathe.

Come on, let's get back.

Here, mate, I don't suppose I can
get a lift back, can I? No.

I'm knackered. You're joking,
aren't you? You can swim.

Oi, mate! Mate!

Here, mate!

Here, mate! Oi!

Come on, Donald.

If your arms are tiring, put your
face in your plate.

How's it all going?

So far, so good. No fatalities yet.

(LAUGHS) Although, if our friend in
the pink keeps this up,

we may have to cover the pool, to
get the Air Ambulance in. (LAUGHS)

(KLAXON)

OK, people time is up.

That is the end of the Solana's
annual Hombre Vs Food competition.

And we have a winner. Oh!

Mateo, get the prize!

That's not fair. He's obviously a
professional competitive eater.

There you go. Ah!

Don't worry, they're quite stretchy
once you get them on.

Thank you. May I remind you that
Solana T-shirts are available to
purchase in reception,

between the hours... (GROANS)

Oh, dear. I think someone might need
a little siesta.

As I was saying, T-shirts of the
Solana or Neptune are available -

(GRUNTS) Ooh!

(GURGLING) MADGE: Stand back,
everyone!

He's gonna blow!

Oh, dear.

It seems there's a fine line
between prize winning and piggery.

A little lesson for us all there, I
think.

(GROANS)

Are you all right?

(RETCHES)

Oh, God.

It's the pig, you've not cooked it
for long enough.

Hey, I know how to cook a pig.

If Squirrel hadn't taken it for
free out of the rubbish bin,

they would be OK. (GASPS)

Cyril, is this true?

It should be fine.

I've been eating food out of bins
for weeks in Benidorm.

There's nothing wrong with me.

Lesley, ring a doctor.

Mateo, move that pig.

And anyone who's eaten that pork,
keep out of the pool.

(SIGHS)

(GROANS)

I'm all right. I'm all right.

I knew it wasn't a real shark. We
must get you to a doctor.

I think you are in shock.
I said I'm fine.

Where's that dick?

I'm gonna knock him out!

Let's just go. Come here, you!

Calm down, big fella, it was just a
joke.

Just a joke? You know what your
problem is, don't you?

You've got no sense of humour.

You'll have no sense of smell, when
I spread your nose across your face.

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS) Michael, are you OK?

Come on, let's go. I said let's go.

What's wrong with you? Why are we
going?

She was fit.

.

.

Right. Well,
I can't track down Cyril anywhere.

I suppose it's understandable, if
he's lying low. Lying low?

He should be strung up from the
nearest palm tree for what he's
done.

Please, Lesley, let's not get
hysterical.

What if it was me who got the
smelly pig, and not Squirrel, huh?

Would I be OK to lie on the low for
a while? No.

I would be carrying the sack.

I couldn't have put it better
myself.

I could've done,
but I know what you mean.

Look, I agree, Mr Babcock has put us
in a very tricky situation.

And, when head office find out...my
job will be on the line.

Somebody has to take responsibility
for this.

But, I'm sorry, that person is not
going to be Squirrel -

I mean Cyril.

I make no apologies, I'm going to be
straight with you.

I don't normally talk about my
personal life,

but I've let that man walk out of my
life twice now,

and I'm not going to let it happen a
third time.

Maybe we could blame it on Jesus.

What, you mean, like an act of God?

No, man, Jesus, the soft lad that
works in maintenance.

Khay-zoos. Bless you.

I will be taking full responsibility
for this incident.

I'll make out a full report and
E-mail it to head office now.

If they get rid of me, I'll go...

..but at least I won't go alone.

# Love Letters

# Love letters straight

# From your heart

# Keep us so near

# While apart #

# Cos I'm having a good time,
having a good time

# I'm a shooting star, leaping
through the sky like a tiger

# Defying the laws of gravity...

Just tell me how much it was.

I'm gonna find out when the
statement comes in.

It doesn't matter because I'm going
to get the money back anyway.

If you're gonna get the money back,
why don't you just...? (GURGLING)

Oh, God, here we go again.

# 200 degrees, that's why
they call me Mr Fahrenheit

# I'm travelling at
the speed of light

# I wanna make a supersonic man
out of you...

It's a good job you didn't have any
of that pork, Mam.

You'd have been crippled, with your
funny stomach.

I never go near pork. Disgusting
animals. You have bacon.

Bacon doesn't count. You've got to
have bacon with your breakfast.

And you like gammon. Aye, I like a
bit of gammon.

And what about pork sausages?

Well, yeah.

Apart from bacon, gammon and
sausages.

Apart from those, I wouldn't go
anywhere near pork.

You've been quiet. How was the
beach?

Yeah, it was all right.

Is that it? Well, what do you want
me to say? It's just a beach.

All right, misery.
# ..oh, explode!

# I'm burning through the sky, yeah,
200 degrees, that's why

Oh, Jesus.
# They call me Mr Fahrenheit... #

# I don't know why he doesn't spend
the night in there.

He more or less has.
# ..supersonic woman of you

# Don't stop me, don't stop me,
Don't stop me

# Hey, hey, hey!
# Don't stop me, don't stop me... #

Well, I would love to know
what went on down at that beach.

You've not said a word since you've
come back.

You look like your dad, when I
backed his Porsche into the pool.

Don't ever, ever say I look like my
dad!

No, you take after your Mama

when it comes to your beautiful
face, don't you? Shut up!

(GIGGLES)

How has that pork not affected you?
I'm fine.

I know. I was asking how.

You've always had a strong
constitution, bubs.

I suppose so, whatever that is.

I feel like I've been flushed out
by Dyno-Rod. Charming (!)

What was that thing you had,

when they shoved that hosepipe up
your jacksy?

All right, some of us are trying to
eat.

Colonic hydrotherapy.
Absolutely horrendous.

All right, I give up.

That white sofa in our
conservatory's never looked right
since.

How was the spa, today?
A bit over-priced, to be honest.

Mind you, I didn't have to -
(GROANS) Hold that thought.

# ..through the sky, yeah

# 200 degrees, that's why
they call me Mr Fahrenheit

Anyone for pudding?

# I'm travelling at
the speed of light

# I wanna make a supersonic woman of
you

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

# Don't stop me, don't stop me

# Don't stop me
# Hey, hey, hey!

# Don't stop me, don't stop me,
Ooh, ooh, ooh

# I like it!
# Don't stop me, don't stop me

# Have a good time, good time

# Don't stop me, don't stop me

# Whoa, yeah!

(ELECTRIC GUITAR SOLO)

Amazing. I feel like a new man.

I told you. The high after a good
training session is like nothing
else on earth.

Well, nearly. I'd go easy on them
spuds, though.

Best to avoid carbs, until you lose
a bit of weight.

You're joking? My body is a
highly-tuned machine.

I need to fuel the furnace.

Ooh!

Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.

It's just a food stitch. I'll work
through it.

# ..supersonic man out of you

# Don't stop me now

# I'm having such a good time... #

Miss Temple-Savage, you are OK?
I'm fine.

You will not lose your job.

We will make sure of this.

It's not that, it...

Yes?

Nothing. You have not heard from
Squirrel?

No, Mateo, I have not heard from
Squirrel.

He is just, as you say,
lying on the low.

He will come back. I hope so.

I really do hope so.

(APPLAUSE)

(WHISTLING)

# That's life... #

I see we've not heard anything more
from that Dr Kundu.

He knows he's in the wrong.

He's lucky I'm not suing him from
arsehole to breakfast time.

I'm just glad we're all together,
and that you're in good health.

Good health?
I'll outlive the lot of you.

Why do I not doubt that?

# When I'm back on top

# Back on top in June?

Excuse me, I think I'm wanted.

# That's life

# And, as funny as it may seem...

Yeah, by who we haven't found out,
yet.

# Get their kicks... #

Excuse me, Michael.

Elena.

You er, you left your shirt.

Ah, right. Erm...

Do you want a drink? Oh, no, I have
to go.

My uncle, he is waiting for me,

but maybe you'll come by the beach
again, tomorrow?

Yeah, yeah, that sounds cool.

Cool.

# ..a pawn and a king

# I've been up and down

# And over and out... #

Just don't say anything.

Oh, God.

I feel absolutely wiped out.

Slag.

I beg your pardon.

Have I missed something?

(GRUNTS)

# And then I'd fly

# I've been a puppet, a pauper... #

There you go, you deserve these
drinks after all your hard work.

Oh, thanks, Lesley, I feel like a
new man.

So do I, but where do you find one
round here, eh?

(LAUGHTER) Ah, dear.

# Laying flat on my face

# I just pick myself up

# And get back in the race

Oh, it's my dad's favourite song,
this is.

I never heard it before. You're
joking?

It's Frank Sinatra. Oh, yeah.

It was his favourite.

I remember, my dad had this signed
album of his and on it was written,

'May you live to be 100 and may the
last voice you hear, be mine.'

(GIGGLES) What was that other one
he did?

Was it Kinky Boots?

No, hang on a minute, that was his
daughter Nancy.

Kenneth? I can't breathe.
# I'm gonna roll myself up

Are you all right? I can't breathe.
# In a big ball

What's up, love? What's up?
# And die

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

# My, my! #

subtitles by Deluxe

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