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1
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Every morning. Off!
2
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Sorry.
3
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Carry on.
4
00:00:36,220 --> 00:00:37,819
Morning, class.
5
00:00:37,820 --> 00:00:40,579
Morning, sir.
6
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I have taken the liberty
7
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of doing the form register for you.
Shh, shh.
8
00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:50,419
Jing, your language
is very beautiful
9
00:00:50,420 --> 00:00:52,339
but means nothing to me.
10
00:00:52,340 --> 00:00:55,579
Parents' evening tonight, sir.
You get to meet my mum.
11
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Everyone says she's a MILF.
12
00:00:57,140 --> 00:01:00,499
Chantelle, have you not got a class
to be preparing for? Maths.
13
00:01:00,500 --> 00:01:02,059
We're doing fractions.
14
00:01:02,060 --> 00:01:06,259
Apparently 23 won't go into 15.
Mrs Mollinson says it's impossible.
15
00:01:06,260 --> 00:01:07,739
We'll see about that.
16
00:01:07,740 --> 00:01:10,739
Oh, I can't believe you did that!
17
00:01:10,740 --> 00:01:13,459
Rem Dogg, why are you late?
18
00:01:13,460 --> 00:01:15,539
Wheelchair. And you, Mitchell?
19
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Well, this thing don't push itself,
does it? Look, please,
20
00:01:18,460 --> 00:01:21,219
it's Monday morning.
I have a hangover.
21
00:01:21,220 --> 00:01:25,419
Joe, can you just go and see
if that first aid box
22
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has got any Berocca in it?
23
00:01:27,260 --> 00:01:28,540
Yes, Dad!
24
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Oh, my days! He just called
Mr Wickers Dad! What a helmet!
25
00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:37,779
Shut up, Mitchell.
26
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At least he knows who his dad is.
27
00:02:24,980 --> 00:02:28,899
And that is how quiet Anne Frank
28
00:02:28,900 --> 00:02:32,419
and her family had to be
to evade capture by the Nazis.
29
00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:34,939
Mr Wickers, I need the papers.
30
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You 'vant to see my papers?
The mock exam papers, Mr Wickers.
31
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Anything?
32
00:02:40,580 --> 00:02:44,819
Has anyone ever told you that you
would make a wonderful SS officer?
33
00:02:44,820 --> 00:02:48,059
Yes. Now shall we just do this
in my office?
34
00:02:48,060 --> 00:02:49,460
Yeah.
35
00:03:01,940 --> 00:03:04,099
I need to process
the mock exam results
36
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,939
for parents' evening tonight.
37
00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:08,539
Yeah, right, good.
I was hoping you'd ask about those.
38
00:03:08,540 --> 00:03:12,060
Stop fanny farting, Mr Wickers.
Just give me the results, where are they?
39
00:03:13,820 --> 00:03:15,779
All up here. What?
40
00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:19,459
Seriously. Give me any student,
I'll give you their results.
41
00:03:22,980 --> 00:03:25,259
Natalya Lisovskaya. A.
42
00:03:25,260 --> 00:03:29,339
Natalya Lisovskaya was a double gold
medal-winning Soviet shot putter.
43
00:03:29,340 --> 00:03:32,659
What they get up to in their free
time is none of my concern, Isobel.
44
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Don't call me that.
45
00:03:34,620 --> 00:03:38,660
Izzy? Is that better?
Sort of more chummy. The Izzter.
46
00:03:40,980 --> 00:03:44,379
I suppose you think
you've got balls coming in here
47
00:03:44,380 --> 00:03:47,619
playing your silly little games.
Well, let me tell you something,
48
00:03:47,620 --> 00:03:51,059
I've got bigger balls
than you'll ever have.
49
00:03:51,060 --> 00:03:54,499
Well, it's written in the gent's,
but I assumed that was just a rumour.
50
00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:56,900
It's a metaphor, Mr Wickers.
Let me hit you with another.
51
00:03:56,901 --> 00:03:59,099
You're skating on very thin ice.
52
00:03:59,100 --> 00:04:04,539
And that ice is cracking with the
weight of me and my ginormous balls.
53
00:04:04,540 --> 00:04:07,100
Two's company, three's a crowd.
54
00:04:08,180 --> 00:04:13,019
So, wait, now you've got three balls?
By five or they all fail. By five?!
55
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:15,459
But that's like 30 papers!
56
00:04:15,460 --> 00:04:17,499
That's like three hours marking!
57
00:04:17,500 --> 00:04:21,539
This is slave labour.
You are persecuting me.
58
00:04:21,540 --> 00:04:23,499
Parents' evening is my opportunity
59
00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:26,459
to show you up
for who you really are.
60
00:04:26,460 --> 00:04:29,139
By five, or you'll be running home
to your daddy
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like the pathetic little boy
you are.
62
00:04:30,901 --> 00:04:33,339
Oh, I won't be running anywhere.
63
00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:35,459
Really? No.
64
00:04:35,460 --> 00:04:37,980
Because Daddy is picking me up
in the car.
65
00:04:55,660 --> 00:04:59,659
Alfie, your post in my pigeonhole
again. Morning, Rosie.
66
00:04:59,660 --> 00:05:02,699
What is it, another nomination
for Teacher Of The Year?
67
00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:04,899
Outstanding payment
on a student loan.
68
00:05:04,900 --> 00:05:07,699
What are you like?
69
00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:11,139
Lovely. I look terrible, but thanks.
70
00:05:11,140 --> 00:05:14,219
I was thinking about you last night.
71
00:05:14,220 --> 00:05:17,659
I was on my way to the gym
for an ab-attack.
72
00:05:17,660 --> 00:05:22,339
And I went past Cafe Rouge.
Reminded me of our little date.
73
00:05:22,340 --> 00:05:25,499
It was a staff party.
You say potato, I say...
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date.
75
00:05:26,740 --> 00:05:30,419
Oh, please, Alfie, not today.
76
00:05:30,420 --> 00:05:35,499
Richard broke up with me last night.
What, HE broke up with YOU? Why?
77
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You're perfect. Oh, you know,
I guess it's a relief, you know.
78
00:05:39,140 --> 00:05:41,859
I mean, I'm a very physical person
79
00:05:41,860 --> 00:05:46,459
and I think Richard was intimidated
by that. What a square!
80
00:05:46,460 --> 00:05:49,499
I mean, for the last few months
we barely touched each other.
81
00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:53,659
I'm going to take a break from relationships
and throw myself into my voluntary work.
82
00:05:53,660 --> 00:05:55,459
No more dating men for me.
83
00:05:55,460 --> 00:05:58,660
Just orphans and abused children.
84
00:06:00,780 --> 00:06:03,300
Oh, as in the charity work?
85
00:06:04,300 --> 00:06:06,660
O-O-Obviously. Obviously, yeah.
86
00:06:07,780 --> 00:06:12,139
But if I need some teary pity sex,
you'll be on my shortlist.
87
00:06:12,140 --> 00:06:14,859
I'd clear my diary like that.
88
00:06:14,860 --> 00:06:17,659
Except for Thursday.
It's my dad's birthday,
89
00:06:17,660 --> 00:06:21,259
so he's taking me and a friend
to go and see Cirque du Soleil.
90
00:06:21,260 --> 00:06:23,300
Richard used to love the circus.
91
00:06:27,380 --> 00:06:30,779
Someone put your post
in my pigeonhole.
92
00:06:30,780 --> 00:06:34,660
Yeah, like I'm going to fall
for that trick, Mollinson.
93
00:06:39,580 --> 00:06:43,019
Class, I've got good news
and bad news. What do you want?
94
00:06:43,020 --> 00:06:44,939
The bad news.
95
00:06:44,940 --> 00:06:48,579
Well, Jing, the good news is that
today's history module is Pearl Harbor,
96
00:06:48,580 --> 00:06:50,939
and we all know what that means.
97
00:06:50,940 --> 00:06:52,620
It's class wars!
98
00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:58,819
OK, so it's December 7th, 1941.
We're in Hawaii, a military port.
99
00:06:58,820 --> 00:07:01,619
The first thing we're going
to require is some Americans.
100
00:07:01,620 --> 00:07:04,459
Andre, you're Ben Affleck.
Joe, Josh Hartnett.
101
00:07:04,460 --> 00:07:06,859
Rem Dogg, you're a tank. Yes!
102
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:09,819
Next up, I'm going to need a nurse.
Where's my Beckinsale?
103
00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:14,979
Please, sir, I'm great with cancer. I know all the
words to Beaches. All right, you can be Beckinsale.
104
00:07:14,980 --> 00:07:21,980
Now, finally, we require a member
of the Japanese Imperial Air Force.
105
00:07:23,420 --> 00:07:27,739
The Emperor will be proud of you,
my lotus flower.
106
00:07:27,740 --> 00:07:30,059
She's Chinese, you muppet! I know.
107
00:07:30,060 --> 00:07:34,499
OK, positions! It's kamikaze time.
108
00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:37,259
Wait, sir... what about the bad news?
109
00:07:37,260 --> 00:07:40,499
Um... You might, probably,
almost definitely
110
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are all going to fail
your mock exams.
111
00:07:43,140 --> 00:07:45,339
What do you mean
we're going to fail?
112
00:07:45,340 --> 00:07:48,219
It's complicated, all right,
I didn't want to bore you with it.
113
00:07:48,220 --> 00:07:53,859
The important lesson here is for you
to look for the positives in failure.
114
00:07:53,860 --> 00:07:57,539
Like, for example, my grandad.
115
00:07:57,540 --> 00:08:00,659
He suffered failure. Lung failure.
116
00:08:00,660 --> 00:08:04,459
Which meant that I inherited a Volvo.
117
00:08:04,460 --> 00:08:08,540
So remember that.
Always look for the Volvo.
118
00:08:09,740 --> 00:08:14,099
So it's a quiet morning
in Pearl Harbor, but not in Tokyo.
119
00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:18,299
Alfie, we can't fail.
My dad'll kill me. Don't be silly.
120
00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:20,379
My dad'll kill you.
121
00:08:20,380 --> 00:08:23,339
Well, I mean, I guess
I could mark some of them.
122
00:08:23,340 --> 00:08:26,019
Listen, you mug!
You need to mark all of them.
123
00:08:26,020 --> 00:08:28,539
Yeah, you don't want to see my dad
when he's angry.
124
00:08:28,540 --> 00:08:31,539
He used to train in the same gym
as David Haye.
125
00:08:31,540 --> 00:08:33,300
And Sally Gunnell.
126
00:08:39,660 --> 00:08:42,100
Nice kicks.
127
00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:46,779
Um, thank you? Give them me.
128
00:08:46,780 --> 00:08:50,259
What? Give them me.
129
00:08:50,260 --> 00:08:51,939
No.
130
00:08:51,940 --> 00:08:55,019
You couldn't even wear them,
they have an orthopaedic heel.
131
00:08:55,020 --> 00:08:59,019
Shut up, Downton Abbey. They would
play havoc with your arches.
132
00:08:59,020 --> 00:09:01,619
I'm sorry, Grayson,
133
00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:03,180
I'm not giving you my shoes.
134
00:09:15,980 --> 00:09:17,019
Whoop, whoop!
135
00:09:17,020 --> 00:09:18,899
It's the sound of the police!
136
00:09:18,900 --> 00:09:21,219
You have been apprehended.
137
00:09:21,220 --> 00:09:22,978
You have the right to remain silent,
138
00:09:22,979 --> 00:09:25,260
although that's unlikely,
as you've been arrested
139
00:09:25,261 --> 00:09:29,099
by Sergeant Fraser,
head of Dave's Witty Banter Unit.
140
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:32,299
Step inside, Alf,
need a quick conflabamundo.
141
00:09:32,300 --> 00:09:35,819
Oh, Give me strength.
Grab some plastic, homeboy.
142
00:09:35,820 --> 00:09:37,740
Look, you're not firing me, are you?
143
00:09:37,741 --> 00:09:40,219
If this is about those
fire extinguishers,
144
00:09:40,220 --> 00:09:41,700
I was doing a class on democracy.
145
00:09:41,701 --> 00:09:45,499
I was using Mitchell to demonstrate
Guantanamo Bay torture techniques.
146
00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:48,779
Holster those pistols, young ranger,
147
00:09:48,780 --> 00:09:52,819
lets just control-alt-Apple-Z
that last little outburst, shall we?
148
00:09:52,820 --> 00:09:56,899
Although for the record, that can
definitely never happen again. I get it.
149
00:09:56,900 --> 00:10:01,779
You are intimidated
by my teaching methods. Right?
150
00:10:01,780 --> 00:10:06,179
Yeah, but I make learning fun.
If I was a font, I'd be Comic Sans.
151
00:10:06,180 --> 00:10:08,499
You are so Times New Roman.
152
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:11,859
Shut the funk door!
You know I'd be Wingdings.
153
00:10:11,860 --> 00:10:17,579
Crazy. Any-shiz, some of
the old school don't get you.
154
00:10:17,580 --> 00:10:22,580
But I do. I'm young, I'm cool
and I find your approach...
155
00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:29,979
refreshing.
156
00:10:29,980 --> 00:10:34,219
However, this little man-to-man
is about Rosie. Miss Gulliver.
157
00:10:34,220 --> 00:10:38,899
As Beyonce says, she's a single lady
and I'm going to put a ring in it.
158
00:10:38,900 --> 00:10:42,099
What?! You fancy Miss Gulliver?
159
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:44,459
I likey...
160
00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:45,859
I lighty.
161
00:10:45,860 --> 00:10:48,060
Oh, what's that smell?
162
00:10:49,540 --> 00:10:51,179
Whiffy banter!
163
00:10:51,180 --> 00:10:55,179
Oh, for f...
Look, what's this got to do with me?
164
00:10:55,180 --> 00:10:58,299
Because, Alf, you're going to be
my wingman! Uh-uh, no way.
165
00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:00,979
I need your help to get Gulliver
to go on a date with me.
166
00:11:00,980 --> 00:11:03,859
I'll literally follow
your every word.
167
00:11:03,860 --> 00:11:06,340
My EVERY word?
168
00:11:07,380 --> 00:11:11,300
All right. Well, I guess I could
give you SOME pointers.
169
00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:14,299
First piece of advice...
170
00:11:14,300 --> 00:11:15,819
completely ignore her.
171
00:11:15,820 --> 00:11:18,419
Women love that shit.
172
00:11:18,420 --> 00:11:21,459
Really? Yeah, it'll definitely work.
173
00:11:21,460 --> 00:11:23,340
I can see we're going
to make quite a team.
174
00:11:23,341 --> 00:11:27,219
And look, I'm already prepped.
Downloaded a chat-up app.
175
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:29,659
Let's roll the dice.
176
00:11:29,660 --> 00:11:32,059
You're ridiculous.
177
00:11:32,060 --> 00:11:34,179
Roses are red, violets are blue,
178
00:11:34,180 --> 00:11:36,699
later tonight I'll be
hanging out the back of...
179
00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:39,820
I probably won't use that one,
actually.
180
00:11:40,940 --> 00:11:42,620
Can I go now?
181
00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:13,939
So, I decided, this evening,
182
00:12:13,940 --> 00:12:18,379
take your mind off Richard, I would
book us a little table... No, no,
183
00:12:18,380 --> 00:12:21,339
absolutely, 100% definitely not.
184
00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:23,619
Sounds like a maybe.
185
00:12:23,620 --> 00:12:27,299
Look, I think the reason things
didn't work out with Richard
186
00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:29,980
is cos he was so old and boring.
187
00:12:31,540 --> 00:12:35,499
You know, what a lot of women
prefer nowadays is a toy boy.
188
00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:37,019
Ashton and Demi.
189
00:12:37,020 --> 00:12:39,340
Guy Ritchie and Madonna.
All divorced.
190
00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:44,939
Ben Ofuedo and Vanessa Feltz.
191
00:12:44,940 --> 00:12:46,060
Alf, I love you.
192
00:12:46,061 --> 00:12:47,900
Not in that way.
193
00:12:49,340 --> 00:12:51,219
It's just...
194
00:12:51,220 --> 00:12:54,299
you are a bit immature.
195
00:12:54,300 --> 00:12:56,579
"You're a bit immature."
196
00:12:56,580 --> 00:13:02,299
Mm. Look, I am a grown-up.
I do so many grown-up things.
197
00:13:02,300 --> 00:13:06,259
I use coasters,
I put my posters into frames.
198
00:13:06,260 --> 00:13:08,659
I've got a bag-for-life.
199
00:13:08,660 --> 00:13:10,620
Share my bag with me, Rosie.
200
00:13:11,820 --> 00:13:14,379
Did that sound really desperate?
201
00:13:14,380 --> 00:13:15,739
A little.
202
00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:17,180
Shit.
203
00:13:19,660 --> 00:13:21,620
Immature!
204
00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:28,419
Hi, yeah, is that TGI Fridays?
205
00:13:28,420 --> 00:13:32,060
Yeah, I want to cancel a table
booked under the name of Wickers.
206
00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:35,539
Well, obviously
if I'm cancelling the table,
207
00:13:35,540 --> 00:13:37,660
I also want to cancel the cake.
208
00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:46,819
I can't. What's the point?
209
00:13:46,820 --> 00:13:48,179
Sir?
210
00:13:48,180 --> 00:13:51,659
Oh. History or something.
211
00:13:51,660 --> 00:13:55,419
Oh, stop being such a pussy.
It's just a girl.
212
00:13:55,420 --> 00:13:59,099
That's very perceptive.
Oh, no, what I meant to say was,
213
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:02,299
stop being such a girl,
it's only pussy!
214
00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:03,379
Right.
215
00:14:03,380 --> 00:14:06,179
I suppose you'll be looking
for a rebound then, sir?
216
00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:09,819
I feel so hurt. So upset.
217
00:14:09,820 --> 00:14:12,939
It's like getting kicked
in the balls with a football
218
00:14:12,940 --> 00:14:15,299
to the power of Mufasa dying
in Lion King.
219
00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:17,899
Ow! Snap out of it. Wow!
220
00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:21,459
You've got quite a slap.
Well, you learn to defend yourself
221
00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:24,379
when you're the only kid in
the playground with a Sade ringtone.
222
00:14:24,380 --> 00:14:26,819
He's right, you need to man up! Ow!
223
00:14:26,820 --> 00:14:28,620
Right, OK, enough with the slapping.
224
00:14:28,621 --> 00:14:30,979
Sorry, I just wanted to hit you.
Hang on, guys,
225
00:14:30,980 --> 00:14:34,299
Mr Wickers may be
a bit of a twat. Right...
226
00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:37,659
Despite being a twat... Don't get me
wrong, he's definitely a twat.
227
00:14:37,660 --> 00:14:40,939
OK, I think we get the picture. But if he
don't mark that shit, he'll get fired,
228
00:14:40,940 --> 00:14:45,859
then we could end up with a real teacher! We can
say goodbye to class wars and hello to homework.
229
00:14:45,860 --> 00:14:47,419
Screw that!
230
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:50,259
Oh, God, my parents might send me
to one of them all girls' schools
231
00:14:50,260 --> 00:14:54,100
where you're not allowed electric
toothbrushes or door handles or anything.
232
00:15:00,540 --> 00:15:02,939
Of course, Jing!
233
00:15:02,940 --> 00:15:05,379
You guys can mark them.
234
00:15:05,380 --> 00:15:09,939
We'll do the pass-to-the-left
method! Why didn't I think of that?
235
00:15:09,940 --> 00:15:12,940
Hooray for Jing!
236
00:15:16,940 --> 00:15:19,380
You're a joke.
237
00:15:22,260 --> 00:15:25,260
Yeahhhhhhh! Woo!
238
00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:33,539
A-ha, Alfie Wickers! The Wicker Man!
239
00:15:33,540 --> 00:15:35,819
Wickers World! What's going on here?
240
00:15:35,820 --> 00:15:38,939
Just organising a post-workage
meetage at the pubage,
241
00:15:38,940 --> 00:15:41,179
Duke's Arms... age.
242
00:15:41,180 --> 00:15:46,899
We're going to talk about the school's charity
calendar. I want to make a speech at parents' evening
243
00:15:46,900 --> 00:15:50,379
and the reason I've chosen
this God-awful degenerative disease
244
00:15:50,380 --> 00:15:52,939
is that... I know all about
Palmer's Syndrome. Really?
245
00:15:52,940 --> 00:15:55,299
Yep.
246
00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:57,699
Personal experience. Sadly.
247
00:15:57,700 --> 00:15:59,220
Who?
248
00:16:02,220 --> 00:16:04,539
Joe's mum. What, really?
249
00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:09,339
Yeah. Yeah, she got the old PS.
250
00:16:09,340 --> 00:16:11,899
Caught it on holiday. Caught it?
251
00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:18,379
What I mean is, it caught up
with her on holiday... obviously,
252
00:16:18,380 --> 00:16:21,339
as Palmer's Syndrome
isn't contagious.
253
00:16:21,340 --> 00:16:24,179
It's er... idiopathic.
254
00:16:24,180 --> 00:16:26,659
Which strand did she contract?
255
00:16:26,660 --> 00:16:27,859
Both of them.
256
00:16:27,860 --> 00:16:32,299
Bo... Arthropathic and neuropathic?
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Correct.
257
00:16:32,300 --> 00:16:36,139
God, so she had all of the
symptoms? All of them. Which ones?
258
00:16:36,140 --> 00:16:39,379
You know, the main ones.
259
00:16:39,380 --> 00:16:42,779
S... Insomnia.
260
00:16:42,780 --> 00:16:45,779
Postural instability.
Oh, that's nasty.
261
00:16:45,780 --> 00:16:50,619
Um, the face thing, with the face...
262
00:16:50,620 --> 00:16:53,699
Face? Her fingers fell off.
263
00:16:53,700 --> 00:16:57,259
Her fingers fell off?! I did not
know that that was a symptom.
264
00:16:57,260 --> 00:17:00,899
Yeah, it's not so much a symptom.
It was, um, frostbite,
265
00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:05,379
she got frostbite, cos
she was looking for a cure in...
266
00:17:05,380 --> 00:17:06,739
Iceland.
267
00:17:06,740 --> 00:17:10,380
That's why mums
shouldn't go to Iceland!
268
00:17:13,180 --> 00:17:16,739
Anyway, I don't want to go on
about it but, you know,
269
00:17:16,740 --> 00:17:18,379
I do do an awful lot for him.
270
00:17:18,380 --> 00:17:21,939
I mean, only this morning in class...
271
00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:24,699
No, I shouldn't say, it's silly.
No, no, go on.
272
00:17:24,700 --> 00:17:28,019
He called me Daddy. Aw!
273
00:17:28,020 --> 00:17:30,139
It's no biggy, you know.
274
00:17:30,140 --> 00:17:33,099
I had no idea that Palmer's Syndrome
meant so much to you, Alfie.
275
00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:35,259
Why don't you join us?
276
00:17:35,260 --> 00:17:37,580
It'd be lovely to have his input,
wouldn't it, Fraser?
277
00:17:37,581 --> 00:17:39,699
Well, I think it'd be better
if we were just...
278
00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:41,659
It would mean a lot.
279
00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:45,499
Who cares for the carers? Hey, we
can all go. The more, the merrier.
280
00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:47,979
Thanks, Rosie. That's OK!
281
00:17:47,980 --> 00:17:51,220
Can I just talk to that student?
Go get him.
282
00:17:52,420 --> 00:17:53,979
Alfredo, good squire?
283
00:17:53,980 --> 00:17:56,939
Mmm? You wouldn't be cock-blocking
me, would you, wingman?
284
00:17:56,940 --> 00:18:01,059
No, no. Course not, wingman.
285
00:18:01,060 --> 00:18:05,099
What I'm doing
is demonstrating to her
286
00:18:05,100 --> 00:18:07,099
how unsuitable I am
287
00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:11,539
to highlight how great you are,
Maverick.
288
00:18:11,540 --> 00:18:14,939
Mmm. Thunking outside the box,
289
00:18:14,940 --> 00:18:16,579
Goose.
290
00:18:16,580 --> 00:18:20,140
Oh, BT-dubs, love the way you rock
out with your croc out.
291
00:18:34,860 --> 00:18:39,739
Joe, I am going to need you
to go ahead and hide in the cupboard.
292
00:18:39,740 --> 00:18:41,539
OK...
293
00:18:41,540 --> 00:18:42,940
Quick!
294
00:18:48,340 --> 00:18:51,779
Hey, sorry, just busy with...
Sorry, Alfie, I was just thinking,
295
00:18:51,780 --> 00:18:54,020
about Joe's mum, um...
296
00:18:56,340 --> 00:18:58,539
Alfie, why are the kids
sat like that?
297
00:18:58,540 --> 00:19:00,540
Oh, we're learning
about South Africa.
298
00:19:02,660 --> 00:19:05,019
Right. Um...
299
00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:07,619
I was thinking, I could really use
Joe's mum in the campaign.
300
00:19:07,620 --> 00:19:09,339
Really?
301
00:19:09,340 --> 00:19:11,019
Is that a good idea?
302
00:19:11,020 --> 00:19:13,180
It's a personal story,
give the appeal resonance.
303
00:19:13,181 --> 00:19:14,899
Shock people into action!
304
00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:16,180
Yeah, but, you know...
305
00:19:16,181 --> 00:19:18,459
So can I just have a quick word
with Joe? No.
306
00:19:18,460 --> 00:19:23,859
Er, you can't, cos he was ill,
so he went to the doctor.
307
00:19:23,860 --> 00:19:26,739
Let's hope he hasn't got it as well.
308
00:19:26,740 --> 00:19:31,379
Oh, well, if you see him, just
tell me, won't you? Will do. OK.
309
00:19:31,380 --> 00:19:33,060
Can I come out now?
310
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:36,939
What was that? What was what, sorry?
311
00:19:36,940 --> 00:19:39,619
That voice from the cupboard.
312
00:19:39,620 --> 00:19:41,619
Nelson Mandela.
313
00:19:41,620 --> 00:19:43,019
Yeah. Robben Island.
314
00:19:43,020 --> 00:19:46,539
Sorry, Mandy! 1989, one more year!
315
00:19:46,540 --> 00:19:49,220
Crack on,
you've got a book to write.
316
00:19:50,380 --> 00:19:52,500
See you later.
317
00:19:56,140 --> 00:19:58,539
Miss Gulliver is so buffting.
318
00:19:58,540 --> 00:20:01,499
Yeah, she's hot, man,
like proper spice! No, she ain't!
319
00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:05,500
Beauty is in the eye of
the beholder, Chantelle. Shakespeare.
320
00:20:08,060 --> 00:20:12,099
Shakespeare, Jing, he was an English
writer who wrote Romeo and Juliet.
321
00:20:12,100 --> 00:20:13,620
And The King's Speech.
322
00:20:14,980 --> 00:20:16,739
Hey!
323
00:20:16,740 --> 00:20:20,979
So, you know the way I'm your
favourite teacher in the whole world?
324
00:20:20,980 --> 00:20:25,259
Well, I need a little favour
from my favourite pupil.
325
00:20:25,260 --> 00:20:29,339
You are always asking me to do you
favours. No, I'm not. Give me one.
326
00:20:29,340 --> 00:20:30,819
Yesterday, at break,
327
00:20:30,820 --> 00:20:33,899
when you made me go up to Conor Wilson
and tell him that you were Banksy.
328
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:37,339
Look, all I need you to do
this time, very simple,
329
00:20:37,340 --> 00:20:40,419
is to pretend your mum has a
potentially fatal, degenerative disease
330
00:20:40,420 --> 00:20:42,340
so that Miss Gulliver
goes on a date with me
331
00:20:42,341 --> 00:20:47,460
and subsequently, at some point in the
future, hopefully becomes my girlfriend.
332
00:20:48,460 --> 00:20:50,019
OK.
333
00:21:06,220 --> 00:21:08,979
Oh, Miss Pickwell.
334
00:21:08,980 --> 00:21:12,540
See you, er, got the papers? Indeed.
335
00:21:14,260 --> 00:21:17,340
Good. So, er, what were the results?
336
00:21:19,580 --> 00:21:21,939
Oh, silly me.
337
00:21:21,940 --> 00:21:24,299
All up here.
338
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:26,259
Whose do you want to know?
339
00:21:26,260 --> 00:21:28,979
Um, Mitchell? Fail.
340
00:21:28,980 --> 00:21:30,579
Remi? Fail.
341
00:21:30,580 --> 00:21:32,339
Stephen? Fail.
342
00:21:32,340 --> 00:21:34,939
Fail, fail, fail, fail,
343
00:21:34,940 --> 00:21:38,539
fail, fail, fail, fail.
Fail, fail, fail.
344
00:21:38,540 --> 00:21:42,539
OK. Starting to see a bit
of a pattern emerging here.
345
00:21:42,540 --> 00:21:46,419
Oh, what about Chantelle?
Oh, let's see.
346
00:21:46,420 --> 00:21:49,019
Oh, 100%.
347
00:21:49,020 --> 00:21:52,019
"Could try harder
to be less of a slag."
348
00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:54,019
Classic.
349
00:21:54,020 --> 00:21:56,539
You didn't mark their papers,
Mr Wickers.
350
00:21:56,540 --> 00:21:59,579
They did. And because of this,
they all failed.
351
00:21:59,580 --> 00:22:04,219
The trouble with you, Mr Wickers,
is you're all fart and no poo.
352
00:22:04,220 --> 00:22:07,220
Let me tell you this, when I fart...
353
00:22:08,420 --> 00:22:09,900
I follow through.
354
00:22:17,420 --> 00:22:21,179
So, as Chantelle's mother
355
00:22:21,180 --> 00:22:22,859
and...
356
00:22:22,860 --> 00:22:24,140
father?
357
00:22:26,860 --> 00:22:29,059
I-I...
358
00:22:29,060 --> 00:22:33,020
Sorry, um, you're not actually
allowed to smoke in here...
359
00:22:34,140 --> 00:22:36,740
or indeed any buildings these days.
360
00:22:38,660 --> 00:22:44,220
Um, what it is, is that Chantelle
has failed her mock exam.
361
00:22:47,100 --> 00:22:50,059
I bet she done all right
on her oral.
362
00:22:50,060 --> 00:22:53,099
I teach history,
we don't even do an...
363
00:22:53,100 --> 00:22:54,180
Never mind.
364
00:22:56,100 --> 00:22:58,660
Oh...
365
00:23:21,860 --> 00:23:24,779
So before we get onto Jing,
serious question.
366
00:23:24,780 --> 00:23:29,100
How long until all the pets
we have will be robots?
367
00:23:44,300 --> 00:23:47,300
Oh... Struggling, Wickers?
368
00:23:48,620 --> 00:23:52,139
I always find parents' evening
a lot less stressful
369
00:23:52,140 --> 00:23:54,459
if at least one of my children
has passed.
370
00:23:54,460 --> 00:23:56,859
That's the problem with you,
Pickwell.
371
00:23:56,860 --> 00:24:00,179
It's all about results and grades.
372
00:24:00,180 --> 00:24:03,259
My class have other talents. Right.
373
00:24:03,260 --> 00:24:06,739
Stephen knows all the words
to Steel Magnolias.
374
00:24:06,740 --> 00:24:10,299
Wow! That's like
a three-hour film.
375
00:24:10,300 --> 00:24:14,219
And Mitchell Harper can hold
his breath for four minutes.
376
00:24:14,220 --> 00:24:16,819
Twice what I can do! Right.
377
00:24:16,820 --> 00:24:19,779
And you remember Joe,
the boy you wanted to exclude?
378
00:24:19,780 --> 00:24:25,699
Well, he has got a birthmark
that looks exactly like James May.
379
00:24:25,700 --> 00:24:28,779
So you may not see much in my them,
380
00:24:28,780 --> 00:24:31,139
but I believe in my class.
381
00:24:31,140 --> 00:24:35,059
And for the record,
they're not children, OK?
382
00:24:35,060 --> 00:24:36,939
They are young adults.
383
00:24:36,940 --> 00:24:38,459
Oh, shit!
384
00:24:38,460 --> 00:24:40,579
Rem Dogg's dad's got a glass eye!
385
00:24:40,580 --> 00:24:42,460
What a penis!
386
00:24:53,020 --> 00:24:56,739
Alfie, I think this whole Miss Gulliver
thing might've got out of hand.
387
00:24:56,740 --> 00:24:59,899
What happened? Well, she was
asking me all these questions
388
00:24:59,900 --> 00:25:02,179
and I just started panicking.
And then...
389
00:25:02,180 --> 00:25:04,819
Look, look, calm down,
it's going to be fine.
390
00:25:04,820 --> 00:25:07,900
I told her my mum was dead.
Oh, shit! Boo!
391
00:25:09,340 --> 00:25:14,019
First a mahoo-ssive thank you
for coming to parents' evening.
392
00:25:14,020 --> 00:25:18,459
I know it can be difficult hearing how your
sprogs are a little bit slow on the uptake.
393
00:25:18,460 --> 00:25:23,180
And you're thinking, "Oh, God, why didn't
I lay off the cider after the first scan?"
394
00:25:27,580 --> 00:25:30,779
But it's important to remember
that there are kids out there
395
00:25:30,780 --> 00:25:32,859
less fortunate than your own.
396
00:25:32,860 --> 00:25:37,139
So here to tell you a little bit
about our fundraising venture
397
00:25:37,140 --> 00:25:40,179
is the wonderful Miss Gulliver.
Big hand, please.
398
00:25:40,180 --> 00:25:42,980
Shit, you have to stop her! How?
399
00:25:45,460 --> 00:25:48,220
We are all going to die.
400
00:25:49,260 --> 00:25:51,579
But what if I told you, madam,
401
00:25:51,580 --> 00:25:55,140
that your child wasn't going
to reach the age of 30?
402
00:25:56,500 --> 00:25:58,979
Because that's the reality
of Palmer's Syndrome.
403
00:25:58,980 --> 00:26:03,899
It's a condition that affects
one in six million.
404
00:26:03,900 --> 00:26:09,259
So give us
all your fuckin' money now!
405
00:26:09,260 --> 00:26:14,059
That is the message here. Now, if everyone
wants to make their way through to the foyer,
406
00:26:14,060 --> 00:26:16,659
there's a complimentary glass
of red or white wine.
407
00:26:16,660 --> 00:26:18,819
Let's get in before
Ms Mollinson necks it all,
408
00:26:18,820 --> 00:26:21,659
we all know what she's been like
ever since her husband left her!
409
00:26:21,660 --> 00:26:22,979
Alfie, not now.
410
00:26:22,980 --> 00:26:27,659
So I would like to tell you a story
about a brave woman
411
00:26:27,660 --> 00:26:31,219
who this year lost her battle
with Palmer's Syndrome.
412
00:26:31,220 --> 00:26:35,019
A remarkable woman. Joe's mum.
413
00:26:35,020 --> 00:26:37,540
Emma Poulter.
414
00:26:39,820 --> 00:26:42,299
Hang on. Who?!
415
00:26:42,300 --> 00:26:44,099
Free booze! What's going on?
416
00:26:44,100 --> 00:26:47,419
Some people find loss
very hard to take.
417
00:26:47,420 --> 00:26:49,779
Emma Poulter isn't dead.
418
00:26:49,780 --> 00:26:51,939
Denial. First stage of grief.
419
00:26:51,940 --> 00:26:53,419
I'm Emma Poulter.
420
00:26:53,420 --> 00:26:56,139
Second stage, identity theft.
421
00:26:56,140 --> 00:26:58,700
No, I am Emma Poulter!
422
00:27:01,020 --> 00:27:04,259
No, I am Emma Poulter!
423
00:27:04,260 --> 00:27:08,699
Because in many ways
we're all Emma Poulters,
424
00:27:08,700 --> 00:27:11,779
because this disease
can affect anyone.
425
00:27:11,780 --> 00:27:14,619
I'm very much alive,
and I haven't got Palmer's Syndrome.
426
00:27:14,620 --> 00:27:16,460
Alfie? She...
427
00:27:18,060 --> 00:27:20,779
You said that...
428
00:27:20,780 --> 00:27:23,059
She's got ten massive fingers!
429
00:27:23,060 --> 00:27:27,379
Right, Wickers, my office now!
Come on. Wait! Wait!
430
00:27:27,380 --> 00:27:31,139
It's not his fault. I did it.
431
00:27:31,140 --> 00:27:33,780
I just wanted to make
Mr Wickers happy.
432
00:27:35,260 --> 00:27:37,060
I just wanted to show off to him.
433
00:27:38,500 --> 00:27:41,619
He's the dad I never really had.
Oh, my God...
434
00:27:41,620 --> 00:27:43,020
Aw!
435
00:27:44,780 --> 00:27:46,620
But I'm your dad.
436
00:27:47,620 --> 00:27:50,140
Oh, bollocks.
437
00:27:53,540 --> 00:27:55,219
God, I really need a drink.
438
00:27:55,220 --> 00:27:58,419
Yeah, well, let's go to the pubage.
439
00:27:58,420 --> 00:28:02,780
I haven't been out for a long time.
Don't worry, I'll look after you.
440
00:28:06,540 --> 00:28:08,179
I'm sorry, Alfie.
441
00:28:08,180 --> 00:28:11,099
It's just all so cringe.
442
00:28:11,100 --> 00:28:12,980
I failed again.
443
00:28:15,500 --> 00:28:17,580
Look for the Volvo.
444
00:28:19,780 --> 00:28:22,459
Do you want to go play Time Crisis
and shove some dog shit
445
00:28:22,460 --> 00:28:24,339
through Pickwell's letter box?
446
00:28:24,340 --> 00:28:25,659
Yeah.
447
00:28:25,660 --> 00:28:27,820
Let's do that again.
34987
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