All language subtitles for The Bunny Caper 1974 xx

Disgraceful. Shocking.

Completely immoral, revolting, and
outrageous.

I tell you, we're fast going to hell in
a handbasket when it can happen right on

the lawn of the White House.

It was one of those damn fool tees for
teenagers the First Lady's always giving

for daughters of important men.

That means money men.

It was a beautiful day in Washington.

A bit more windy than usual.

In fact, one could almost say that
nature played its part.

In what was about to happen.

And what was about to happen was Bunny O
'Hara.

Deadly. A walking landmine ready to
explode at the first touch.

The first time the girl was ever left
loose on her own. I still say it was a

dirty, commie plot.

Arranged by enemy agents to destroy us.

Caught everybody by surprise.

Made a shambles of our whole military
machine.

Worse than the sneak attack on Pearl
Harbor.

Completely demoralizing.

Started with just a second lieutenant
and a little puff of wind.

But in only one year, that young vixen
had worked her way up through the ranks

like a hurricane.

From lieutenant to captain.

From captain to major.

To colonel.

To Brigadier General.

To Major General.

To General.

It's a national emergency.

We've got to do something before she
completely destroys the Pentagon.

Yes, sir. I certainly agree, sir.

She may move on to Congress next.

Then the Supreme Court. Then the
Cabinet.

And God help us if she ever makes the
White House. I couldn't agree more, sir.

Stop agreeing.

Suggest something.

Her father, Randolph O 'Hara, was a
major contributor to the president's re

-election campaign fund.

I know that.

We can't get to him with money.

I was thinking of something else, sir.

You get to men like that with honor and
prestige.

You get them appointed to some...

High government post. It'll take him out
of the country.

Say, a foreign ambassador's post.

He's a big financier.

President of three companies, chairman
of two boards.

I've got it.

We'll appoint him to a foreign
ambassador's post.

Brilliant idea, sir.

How about London?

Post is open.

Call the White House. Get the State
Department.

Move! Yes, sir.

So help me, I did it.

For national defense and security.

For the good of my country.

But I'm going to miss my little bunny
boo.

You can always come to London and see
me, poochy poo.

How? On what excuse?

Start a war with England.

Invade.

Invade.

Why not?

London's airport is becoming virtually a
who's who of international diplomats

and statesmen today.

All converging here for the forthcoming
world disarmament talks.

Ministers from West Germany, Italy and
France have already arrived.

And other world leaders are expected
momentarily, including Chen Ying of the

Chinese People's Republic.

The Chinese diplomat is accompanied by
the entire red Chinese ping -pong team,

which is here to play an exhibition
tournament.

But now I see Comrade Shen Ying.

And here comes the airliner bringing the
Russian delegate, Comrade Krashnik,

top man in the Soviet Politburo.

Comrade Krashnik, looking as tanned and
genial and as dynamic as all his

photographs, is the first out of the
plane with his young interpreter.

And to cap it all, ladies and gentlemen,
your new American ambassador, Randolph

O 'Hara, is just arriving.

He's been attending a meeting of foreign
diplomats in Geneva.

Lord Teakwood. Ambassador O 'Hara, on
behalf of Her Majesty, welcome to

I'll drive you to the embassy.

Thanks. My secretary, Miss Carter.

Miss Carter?

Now, where's that girl?

What girl?

My daughter.

Bye. Thank you very much.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

What a delightful child.

Child.

Smashing. What?

She's a female liberator, real smooth
operator,

as she bruises down the corridors of the
state.

She may look like a desert flower, look
out,

we'll devour just anyone who cares to
take

her fate.

Mm -hmm, mm -hmm.

Now she's finished with the USA.

Mm -hmm, mm -hmm. Look out, London
Bunny's on her

way.

You don't have to be presidential as
long as you're

influential.

You'll find that you're the apple of a
eye.

Though her daddy had tried to scold her,
many had tried to

hold her.

Sanford's just like a butterfly.

Now she's Spanish with the USA.

Look out, London, gosh, she's on her
way.

As your daughter hasn't visited Atlanta
before, I thought we'd take the tourist

route. Sure, great.

Thank you.

That's the famous Thames River, isn't
it?

Oh, yes. Very large and firm.

I mean, yes, quite, absolutely.

Water, you know. All water.

Oh.

That's the Buckingham Palace.

With no standard flying, Her Majesty's
not in residence.

It's beautiful.

Look!

Isn't that Trafalgar Square?

Won't the statue of Nelson be coming up?

Oh, yes. Oh, how right you are.

Oh, yes.

I want to send that right away.

Hey.

I want to talk to you, Bunny, about Lord
Teakwood.

Oh, he turned out to be a real swinger.

Says he's going to have me for tea every
day.

What did he say instead of tea?

I am not going to let you infiltrate the
British Parliament.

Oh, come on, Father.

I've got just as much right to go into
government as you.

I don't give a damn if you go into
government.

I just want to keep government out of
you.

You've got a sex -ridden mind, Father.

That's where I get it.

You'll start an international incident.

World War III.

From now on, I'm keeping you under lock
and key.

Oh, brother.

You mean from now on I have to come to
you and say, um, Daddy, this fellow

to take me out tonight. Can he borrow
the keys to my chastity belt?

Don't get small with me, young woman.

I'm taking you out of public
circulation.

I can do it, you know. You're still 17,
a minor.

Thanks a lot.

After you always wanting to be a big
diplomatic wheel, and I fixed it for

I wanted to get it unmarried.

You did?

What's the matter with her?

All she thinks about is sex, sex, sex
constantly. How did she get that way?

Well, I disagree with her. She certainly
didn't get it from her father.

She's got to be locked up.

Put her away.

You can't jail your own daughter.

I was thinking one of those English
finishing schools. I hear they're

run and closely watched.

Well, there goes the British educational
system.

I don't think so, Judith.

If she's kept away out of the country
with nothing but other girls, kept under

tight thumb, she just might get over it.

What she needs is a big dose of culture
and refinement. What she needs is a big

dose of salt, Peter.

I'm serious.

I've heard of this one school.

Old Field House, not far out of London.

If I can get her in there, that's where
she's going.

It's one of the finest finishing schools
for girls in England.

Well, it'll finish me in about one day.

Well, this is where you're going. I had
to put a lot of strings to get you

accepted. They're very selective.

You're cruel.

They only take girls from the finest
families all over the world.

It's the worst thing that's ever
happened to me.

Oh, stop fighting me, buddy.

Maybe you'll like it.

If I don't, can I come home tomorrow?

No way.

They're going to make a lady out of you
that kills you.

You're going to learn something besides
how to unmake a bed.

If you know how to do that, you don't
have to do anything else. And I'm loaded

with natural talent.

Come on.

You've never been enrolled at a private
school before, my dear?

No, ma 'am.

I've never been any place or seen
anything or done anything.

Surely you've been to public school,
dear.

I've been getting private lessons for
some time now.

Your daughter will be in most excellent
hands here, I assure you, Mr.

Ambassador.

Thank you, Miss Graham. You've put my
mind at ease.

Now, what is your first name, dear?

Bunny. No, no, no.

That is a small child's nickname.

We're all grown -up young ladies here.

My name is Bunny.

We firmly discourage any and all
holdovers from infancy.

Security blankets and such things.

She hasn't brought any soft... fully
stuffed animals with her. What?

Oh, no, no. She left her teddy bear at
home. Good.

What is your first name, dear child?

Bunny.

That's very childish.

A bunny is a rabbit.

Why should any young lady want to be
called a rabbit?

Why don't you know, Miss Grimm?

It's because I'm so... Her name is Mary
Margaret.

That's much better.

A very nice name.

Mary Margaret.

May I leave her in your hands, Miss
Grimm? I do have some urgent business at

embassy. Of course.

Harriet, who is my first assistant, will
show Mary Margaret to her digs and

introduce her to her lovely roommates.

Thank you.

Thanks for everything.

Goodbye, darling.

Now, you behave yourself.

If you foul up here, the next place may
be worse.

I'm looking forward to having a real
young lady in the family.

I hope you find one. Have fun.

Be a big, brave girl. After all, you're
not being deserted, you know. We are all

here to give you care and attention and
constant companionship.

We'll ease that ache.

You just don't know where I ache. Oh?

Harriet?

Such a dear, sweet, innocent little
thing.

But so terribly childish and naive.

You'll pardon me for saying so, Mr. O
'Hara. She's a typical product of your

primitive, backward country.

The states are so bourgeois, so far
behind us. The girls mature so much

there.

I'll carry your thing, Fed.

Cop one more feel and you're dead.

What do you mean?

I'll spread the word you're lousy in the
sack.

You filthy little hypocrite.

You really are a degenerate monster.

Takes one to know one. Just show me to
my cell, huh, Butch?

Oh, really?

This is Mary Margaret O 'Hara.

This is Selina Barker -Jones, Jacqueline
Parker, Christine Ashford.

There's your bed. That's where you put
your things.

Now, move in, read the rules, and I
don't think you're going to make it.

Forget all that formal crap.

She's Jackie, she's Sal, and I'm Chris.

Welcome to the Siberian salt mines.

Thanks. Oh, I'm Bunny.

How much do we have to take from the
ballsy drill sergeant?

Harriet's the gym instructor.

Also Miss Scrimm's number one stall
pigeon and watchdog. We call her the

beast. She's actually shaved.

Don't knock it. She's even more
revolting with that five o 'clock

She's a hairy fish.

I think you've got the wrong gender.

She's a real bull dyke. What's a bull
dyke?

Are you putting me on?

No, honest.

You poor kid.

None of you know what I'm talking about,
do you?

Excuse me.

How long have you been in this prison
camp?

It doesn't take long. They brainwash you
in a week.

Zap, you're a zombie.

So what's a bull dyke?

A bull dyke is, well, like when two
girls are making it, the bulls are the

doing all the work.

You mean you've made the scene?

Not with dykes. I only make it with men.

Men? You mean like plural, lots of men?

How many, Bunny?

Who counts?

Oh, Dan, that's the pool bell. We've got
to go. It's a rule.

A swim a day keeps the doctor away.

I can use a swim after the trip out
here.

Do you do this every day?

Yes, if the weather's good. What do you
do if the weather's not good?

Something awful, like mathematics.

With the bull dyke? No, she's all brawn,
no brain.

Well, the pool should be refreshing.

It was really hot in the car coming out
here.

Oh, you must be joking. That water's so
warm, there's nothing refreshing in a

swim. This hairy beast always watches us
so we never have any peace. We can't do

anything. Lead the way.

You're not going like that.

Why not?

What's to be modest about in a house
full of females?

She's right.

Let's all revolt against the Victorian
oppression of this nunnery.

Fantastic.

think you're doing?

Fun, isn't it? Yeah.

Oh, you know the Harry Bees are
supporting us, Miss Grimm?

This is just for openers. I'm going to
run her hairy legs ragged reporting.

I wasn't falling. God, what a breath of
fresh air. We were wondering if there

were actually any men out there. And if
any girls were getting them while they

were still young enough to enjoy it.

Out in the free world, you can make it
any time, any place.

24 hours a day.

Did I miss anything?

Seems like you are. I've missed
everything.

There must be a man who works around
here.

Only the gardener. And he's really old
and toothless.

But even he's beginning to appeal to me.

I want to see you in my office in five
minutes, properly dressed.

you were humoring me, trying not to
disillusion me.

Harriet was right.

I'm not going to make it here.

I think I'll kill myself.

Here, you can borrow this.

It's really filthy.

I don't need a head trip.

I know how you feel, but maybe some of
us can get lucky Friday night.

How? Why? Where?

Do you play basketball?

Basketball. We've got a pretty good
team. All three of us are on it.

Yay, team.

You know, look, Chris taught Miss Grimm
into letting us play a game against

Drathmore. And that's a boys' school not
far away from here.

How old are these guys?

About the same age as us.

Kids. Some of them are pretty tall.

One's six -six.

Six and a half feet of acne.

When you've been here as long as we
have, you don't care if they've got

Oh, come on, Bunny. Join the team.

Maybe.

I love the way you trickle. Huh?

Down your chin.

Prison camp.

Slave labour. I've never had such an
exciting time before.

Maybe we'll all be expelled, but it was
worth it. Don't worry. Old Miss Green

isn't about to expel 15 girls all at
once and go broke.

We might even try something else.

Count me out if diddling boys is your
bag.

That's for teeny barbers.

I suppose you've got a better idea.

You'd better believe it.

Men.

Mature men.

Big wheels with brains and lots of
experience.

Wait till you've made that scene.

I've had men.

How many?

Like you, who counts?

Yes, we've all had men. Isn't that
right, Sal? Oh, lots of men.

But what can we do about it here?

Come on.

Be honest.

None of you would know what to do with a
real man.

I could swing with any real man you'd
care to name. Me too.

Like that.

Any time, any place.

Okay.

Prove it.

Let's make a bet.

Stop chattering and get on with your
studies.

We're just discussing domestic and world
affairs.

These affairs will rock the world.

Okay, now what's the plan?

Here are several issues of The Sun from
different days this week.

I didn't look at them, but on the front
page of each is a special section called

International Newsmakers. I know. It
always features some big wheel who lives

London or who's visiting the city.
Right.

Now, we each pick a paper, face down,
sight unseen.

Whichever man you draw, that's the one
you have to get in the sack.

Insanity. Those men are world famous.

You're not going to cut out on me now,
are you?

Afraid you can't do it?

Not me.

I'll go first.

Comrade Krashnev.

The big wheel in the Soviet Politburo.

I hear he goes for jazzy cars and
sailing around the Black Sea.

A real swinger.

Should be a pushover.

If that's not all propaganda.

But where's he staying in London?

How do I find him?

Probably the Russian embassy.

It also says here he's invited to supper
at the foreign minister's house.

He shouldn't be too difficult to find.

Very funny.

Try your luck, Chris. How about you?

No, I'll go last.

That way you can't say I had an easy one
all picked out.

Okay.

Oh, God, a Chinaman.

I could get luckier than that with a
fortune cookie.

Well, he is young and athletic looking.

And he is the star of the Red Chinese
ping -pong team. The Communist team is

London for one week of exhibition
matches.

Wang Lo is captain.

Go ahead, Sal.

Far out!

Now he's a real swinger.

Dr. Wolfgang Meyer.

Foreign affairs expert from America. And
international playboy.

The world's number one jet setter.

But he has girls standing in line.

So now you can prove how good you are.

He's in London for those World
Assignment meetings.

And he's staying at the embassy house
with my father.

I'll trade you. No.

Too easy.

First rule of the game?

Play it as it lays.

If you can sack him, I'll say you're the
greatest since Cleopatra.

Impossible. He's never alone.

Where could the two of you go?

There must be a spare room somewhere in
Buckingham Palace or Windsor

Castle.

Now, girls, stop all this hustling.

You'll never come back here when I'm
talking to you. Young ladies.

Girls.

All right.

We go tonight.

The first one to make it with her man
wins. How do we know she makes it?

We've got to have evidence.

Some kind of proof.

Candid photographs?

How do you take a photo of yourself
while you're working?

Ducky. What?

Ducky, Charlotte Webfoot.

She's going to be a press photographer
someday.

There she is.

Can we trust her?

Completely. And she doesn't have to know
everything until the final moment of

truth.

Okay, see if you can get her, Chris.
Right.

But what about the hairy beast? Because
she makes room inspections all night

long. And how do we get to London if we
do get out? None of us have cars.

Harriet has.

We can combine the two problems.

You mean take the hairy beast with us?

No.

Get one of the girls to put out for her
all night while we steal her car.

Who'd go with the hairy beast?

Agnes Crutcher.

Why Agnes?

She's pretty and the beast draws over
her all the time.

Think Agnes will do it?

Her allowance is always late and always
short.

She'll do anything for money.

Try her.

Offer her 20 pounds more if you have to.

Hi, Celine.

Hi. Agnes, what would you do for 20
pounds?

Oh, arson, treason, murder. What had you
in mind?

Do you make it with Harriet all night?

Oh, I've got some pride and self
-respect.

You won't do it.

The hairy beast?

All night?

How about 30 pounds?

OK. There goes the last of my self
-respect.

Oh, my God.

Oh, we might as well forget it. What do
you mean?

Go back when everything's going so well.

Chickening out? No chance.

But we're all in such a rush to get
going, we forgot the most important

What's that?

That is finding a place to leave from
and report back to.

You mean a kind of headquarters?

Yeah, that's it.

I guess it's all over.

Oh, you poor, inexperienced bunch of
kids.

No imagination, no organisation.

What you need is a little American know
-how. You mean you thought about it? I

did something about it. I found us the
perfect place. The Dorchester. The Boy.

The Hilton.

The Ritz.

Well, not exactly.

That's our headquarters?

It's a small hotel.

Bigger ones can be nosy.

Now look, we'll all take taxis and we'll
leave the car right here for you,

Ducky. I object. We're the ones who have
to get around.

We can't all go in the same car and
Ducky's got to be able to move fast when

need her.

Well, let's get her set so I can find my
Chinaman and start hauling.

Now don't forget, the winner's got to
get her man in bed and she's got to

What else could happen? Well, we're not
going to sleep with them. That's just an

expression. Well, some men swing crazy,
like the Chinaman may get his kicks out

of having Chris beat him with a bag of
fried rice or something.

Now you sit right here so you can hear
the clerk page.

Don't move. Don't leave for a minute.

What if I have to go potty?

Real press photographers never go potty.
It'll be good training for you. You're

too important right here, Ducky.

Just wait and come with your camera when
you get the call.

Let's go.

had such funny hang -ups. There's a lot
of real weirdos. Some only dig fighting

rearguard action. They don't want to be
moved to the front. Probably my Russian

is so backward.

It takes a real artist to make that kind
do a good old -fashioned bounce.

And that's our bet.

Nothing else counts.

Taxi! Bye. Bye.

Oh, Sal, I don't want to do it.

Neither do I.

From the Times.

Tell the graph. You're a lovely mirror.
You're a lovely mirror, man.

I see you. They go home and they walk
around the bar.

Line them up.

Where are you going? Oh, my God.

Line them up.

Hey,

how'd you come to the Red Fence? How'd
it go, son?

Is it true?

Get them up. Get them up.

Comrade Wang has played the most
exhausting game. Mr. Wang, I've been

meet you. I'd like to ask you some
questions.

Is it true the Chinese invented the game
of ping pong?

Thank you.

They say it started when two Chinamen
tried to pass a hard -boiled egg with

chopsticks. Is that so?

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, yes, we do. Is
it coincidence you're here at all the

conventions? Oh, purely coincidental.
Forget all this.

What I really want is a private
interview.

How about your hotel room?

Just the two of us.

We can be so much more closely attuned
in bed.

Thank you, thank you. No, thank you.

I'll wait while you shower and change,
and then we'll go straight away.

Okay?

Thank you, thank you. Does the team play
English cricket at all? No.

Gentlemen, that's all for now.

There's what you shower and change.

We have scheduled a press conference for
the hotel tomorrow morning.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Can't you get something here?

Knocker, knocker.

Speak to Charlotte Webfoot, please.

Miss Webfoot? Telephone.

Hello? Hello, Ducky?

It's Chris.

I'm at the sports stadium.

I've got the Chinaman.

Get here as quick as you can.

Got it. The sports stadium. Be right
there.

Thanks for pitching me. My pleasure. You
were speaking to the sports stadium, I

believe. You know, the ping -pong match,
eh? Yeah. How does it stand? She hasn't

scored yet. Oh, right.

Follow us. Wait till you're certain
we're making it, but be alert.

I have a notion Orientals are on and off
in a wink, like roosters.

Be ready to snap a shot at any moment.

Lad,

I think he wants to

do it in the shower.

Oh, how awful.

It's steaming. How can he enjoy it?

Well, if that's what he fancies, we'll
steam it up a bit more.

Now, stay close.

Glance in the door soon.

Get that photo.

The American ambassador.

Look, I know I should have called first,
but I just happen to be in the

neighborhood, so... You want some
identification?

How about bribes? Take bribes?

I think your buddy's deaf.

Listen, I only want to go in for a
minute.

I'd really like to tell you all about
it, but, well, it's sort of a date

Okay, I'm going to lay it on you
straight.

It's like I got a date to make it in the
castle, you know?

A little undercover business, dig?

It's very important.

I've got to get laid.

Excuse me, but, um, that limousine, it
wouldn't happen to belong to Conwood

Crashneve, would it?

Well, it just happens to, miss.

Oh, gosh, can I touch it, please?

Well, you can kiss it if you like.

He does.

It's his favourite next to his Jaguar,
Mercedes, Lincoln Continental.

You can't wait to visit Tokyo and order
his new Datsun 240.

Oh, thank you.

Let's go. Get going.

Let's go.

doing here?

What did he say?

I am dreaming, but what are you doing
here?

Thanks, but what did he say?

He said, I am dreaming, but I ask you,
what are you doing here?

I hope you won't be angry.

I just had to meet you.

What is he saying?

He said, I am dreaming.

I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know she was
near. I'll get her out.

Shut the window.

Comrade Krasniewicz asks you, what is
your name, my little baggage?

My little what?

My little baggage.

Oh.

Jackie, I've always admired you.

He says you are from the secret service.

No.

But I would like to give you a little
service secretly.

He says then you want money. You are
capitalistic hippie.

Tell him.

that I am just a simple girl who thinks
Comrade Krashnev is the greatest

statesman Russia has ever had, and that
I'd like just one thing from him,

something I'd remember all my life.

Что это такое?

Что это такое, моя вишница?

What is it you'd like, my little cherry?

That once, just once, Comrade Krashnev
were my lover.

You are mad!

How dare you even to suggest this?

You must be, do you know who he is?

Скажите, что она сказала?

Конечно, я вам покажу, что русский мужик
может делать.

You will have your wish. Every Russian
can swing with the best of the best.

Ой,

what's he saying?

He said, if I breathe one word of
this...

I'll be translating for the bears in
Siberia for the rest of my life.

He said,

now we are going to the Soviet embassy
to pick up some baggage.

And after that, to a very pleasant
hotel.

which was recommended to him by Dr.
Meyer. Dr. Meyer?

Oh, no.

But you know, oh, no.

Oh, Miss Webfoot, telephone for you
again.

Hello? Oh, Ducky?

Oh, hi, Ducky.

Look, I've got Krasinov ready.

You sure? We've just been on one more
goose chase.

I'm positive, Ducky, but Harry, he's a
real swinger.

We're at the...

Oh, wow. I'll be right there.

Back to the stadium again?

No, it's all over there. Hey, what was
the final score?

You can count that high.

Comrade Krasnyev wishes me to help him.

Interpret.

We're not going to talk. In Russia, we
don't argue with our leaders.

Oh.

Thank you.

A little cherry.

I missed my chance at Windsor. What
happened? Did you get close?

While I was doing sentry duty, the royal
car drove out and I missed him.

Now he's attending a concert at Albert
Hall.

It's awfully hard to score in there,
isn't it? It's impossible.

You can't even buy a ticket.

Now I've got to wait till he gets home
again.

I thought I had my self -station at the
right place to bump into Meyer when he

came to the disarmament meeting.

And he went somewhere else?

to another meeting at your house.

Well, we might as well give up anyway.

Why? The night's still young.

Ducky's not here.

Oh, that's right. I didn't think.

That means that Chris or Jackie must
have called.

One of them is making it right now and
we lose.

Maybe not.

Look.

First Chris and a bunch of crazy
Chinamen. All the wrong ones.

Her prize got away while she was
bringing joy to the rest of the team.

Poor Chris.

Poor? She got more action than I'll get
if I live to be 90.

Did Jackie call too?

She's in bed with Krashen if all right.

These Russians have a peculiar way of
making love.

She hasn't scored yet.

Not in the way it counts.

Then we still have a chance to win,
Bunny. I hope somebody does pretty soon.

can't watch much more of this. Every
time my flesh goes off, so do I.

I'll get a winner for you, ducky.

I know it's cheating a little, but could
you just get me inside your house?

Why? Nobody's helping me get in Windsor
Castle.

Oh, please. You can do it easy.

It'll only take a few minutes.

Just get me inside and I'll do the rest.

Okay. I can spot you a head start and
still win. Thanks.

We'll have to sneak in, though. I don't
want my father to see me or it'll blow

the whole evening. I don't want him to
see me either. Just talk to Maya.

Oh, don't worry.

Myers radar picks up anything within 10
miles.

Do you think that guard at the gate will
call the house and tell your father

you're at home?

Why? He figures my father will see that
I'm at home. Guess so.

Now what?

The meeting in the drawing room.

The hell is keeping that Chinese
delegate?

He'll be here.

These meetings are as important to them
as they are to us.

Pardon me, Dr. Mayor, but it's an
atrocious hour to transact important

If you could arrange it for the morning,
then perhaps... No, no, Lord Teakwood.

We must meet with all the delegates in
the daytime.

You see, the international talks are
merely a front, a facade, but we arrange

them as a cover story to conceal our
real purpose for coming together in

to hold the secret arms limitation talks
with some of our close friends.

And secret affairs can be kept secret
better at night.

Most of your nighttime affairs are
rather an open secret, Doctor.

The one appearing with you in this
morning's paper was stunning.

She's a secret agent.

Took all night, but she cracked.

I got a lot out of her.

Yes, I dare say.

Heavy meeting.

Secretary Beard is here from Washington.

I recognize Dr. Meyer.

He's cute.

Who was the stuffy British fellow?

Lord Teakwood. He's not so stuffy. I've
had him.

Really, Bunny?

The other one's dear father.

You can have him.

What will I do? That meeting may go on
all night.

None of them can go on all night, except
maybe Meyer.

I know the room they've put him in. You
better wait there.

Wait in his bedroom?

Relax, Sal.

He moves fast.

One minute in Washington, the next in
Russia, the next in some Paris bistro,

next in some Hollywood nightclub.

He hates to waste time, and you'll save
him a lot of time.

That fellow isn't coming. I'm telling
you, the Chinese are holding their own

secret talks with the Russians.

I can counter that tactic quickly.

Announce to the press that we made
overtures and that they refuse to talk.

Okay, Harry, do it, will you? First
thing in the morning.

I'll call the chief. We want top
clearance for that.

Put me through to Washington, please.

The chief.

And put this through on the private line
as soon as you've got him.

Where's the private Washington line? Oh,
in the library.

It's good to hear your voice, sir.

I know it's still the afternoon there,
and I hate to break in on your busy

schedule, but... You were looking at the
Miami Dolphin game.

I'm sorry. That is important.

But what's the score?

They haven't scored yet.

Didn't they use that play you sent them?

Oh. They lost ten yards.

Hmm.

I don't blame you.

With all the things you've got on your
mind...

You certainly didn't need an additional
crisis like that.

Hi.

Well, sir, I thought for a little while
we'd be in a little trouble here, but

I'm beginning to see a faint glimmer of
hope.

Yes, sir.

In fact, things are looking much, much
brighter.

Yes, I can handle it. I know I can
handle it.

If you were here, sir, you could see
that I am handling it in fact.

No, I don't believe there is any need
for your presence here at the moment.

Nothing you can do except stand by and
watch.

Very frustrating for you. Yes, sir.

Yes, I've had a lot of experience in
these things.

But they just come naturally to me.

Just like your football genius is
natural to you.

Yes, yes, you are, sir.

You're greater than Rock the Lombardi
Pop Warner.

Why,

yes, I think I can put that into my
press release tomorrow, sure.

Of course, I'd be delighted to hear that
statement. Yes, please, read it.

that fool for hours. You think he's
gotten through?

Oh, he always gets through. They have a
very special relationship.

Yes, I know, Beard. I know.

I'd better go and see if he's having any
trouble.

Well, I wouldn't do that if I were you,
O 'Hara.

He doesn't like to be interfered with
when he's talking with number one.

Well, it's sure taken him a long time.

What a damn nuisance.

I beg your pardon, sir?

Oh, no, that was just a reaction of
extreme pleasure.

I thought you phrased that last part
beautifully.

Yes, I'm getting quite a bang out of it.

Just being on the other end of the line
while you're talking, sir, is the

greatest experience you can imagine.

Yes, yes, I understand.

Get back to your game, sir.

We'll talk tomorrow after the meeting.

Goodbye, sir.

Peace.

What a shame I didn't draw you.

I'd be a big winner right now.

You didn't enjoy it?

Oh, yes.

It's just that you're the wrong one.

You don't count.

I don't understand.

I hope we can continue this later.

Oh, I'd really love to, but I've got to
get going.

The other girls are probably about to
beat me right now.

Beat you?

What have you got to do so urgently?

I've got to get laid.

Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go, gentlemen.

Let's go. Let's go.

Poochie, poochie, poochie.

I like the way this embassy house is

furnished. A little refreshment in every
room for the weary traveler.

My name is Selena.

That's enough.

In my profession, we tell nothing.

It's all secrets.

Lovely.

Is your meeting over?

It is for me, now.

One of the delegates didn't show up. The
others are waiting for him to come

along.

Aren't you surprised to find me in your
bedroom?

Surprised and delighted.

I never sleep alone if I can avoid it.

Now, I think we've talked long enough,
so... I'm sorry, but could I first make

telephone call, please?

Certainly. The phone's right there.

Don't rush. Take your time.

A little delay increases the
anticipation.

I'll step into the bathroom and shower
and freshen up a bit.

Lovely.

I had the devil of a time finding this
crummy hotel.

And nobody speaks English here. So I had
to try 20 rooms before I found yours.

Thank you. Thank you.

Yes. I finally realized you don't speak
English either.

But I'm not here to talk.

This message ought to be clear to a deaf
-mute Ubangi.

I appreciate the compliment, but could
we get on with it?

Oh, no, not ping -pong.

Let's play a different kind of game.

Thank you, thank you.

Don't you see anything you like?

Thank you. Thank you.

Let's play ping pong.

Just one game and then we hit the sack.

And if you turn out to be a queer,
Cooley, that's what I'll do to you.

Ah, thank you. Thank you.

everything if you're too quick. I'd
better get a picture pretty soon. I

stand all of this much longer.

I'm cracking. Just a few more minutes.
You have the chance to get started.

Look, I'll wrap on the wall, then you
jump out and snap.

Perhaps if Dr. Mayer has retired... No,
no, no. This is important. He never

sleeps. He said if you showed up, come
straight in.

Doctor? Mr. Xin Yang, the Chinese
delegate is here.

Doctor?

Most fortuitous, Comrade Ying.

Could not have been better staged if we
had planned it.

A most embarrassing moment for Dr.
Mayor.

To think they would play into our hands
like this.

Things have been going badly at the
world this armament talks.

Is that not so?

Very badly for us, Comrade Chan. And now
we have this delicious scandal.

Disgustingly immoral.

A personal representative of the
American president?

Assaulting a married girl?

A child?

A baby?

Degenerate capitalists. Hypocrites. They
talk of our terrible overpopulation,

but they speak about secretly populating
the world. We must lose no time in

turning this piece of good fortune to
our advantage.

Photograph, please, comrade.

A photograph, comrade?

Yes, yes.

You mentioned another young girl who
photographed the incriminating scene.

Yes, that is so.

Surely you took the film from her
immediately.

There was a great flash of light. It
blinded me for a moment.

Then much excitement followed. People
shouting and running. The girl with the

camera shone in.

She ran out of the room.

You fool! She was hysterical.

It was all so confusing.

She may still be running.

When the chairman hears this, you may
still be running. When the great Gobi

desert of Mongolia has turned to poppy
fields.

Get your best men.

Find her.

has done a most excellent job.

I have vanished from the picture as
though I had never been there.

Such a warm, personal, intimate
gathering.

There are so many possibilities.

One hardly knows how to approach it.

Secretary Baird, an ambassador of all
Americans, and Lord Teakwood for the

British.

carefully watching the rape of a poor,
helpless child by the special aid to the

United States president.

It has a staggering potential.

If only we wished to start a war.

But we are talking of reducing
armaments.

Yes, we must be discreet and diplomatic.

Nevertheless, we can now exert enormous
pressure in our worldist armament talks.

This will bring Dr. Meyer quickly to his
knees.

He's already on his knees. Send copies
of this photograph to both the Americans

and the British.

Include a carefully worded memorandum.

Say we are prepared to be most discreet
if things go more smoothly at the

next secret meeting.

Very well, Comrade Chairman. Then call
Peking.

Get me the chairman, quickly.

This is the final cotton -picking straw.

It's shocking.

Incredible.

Where was your mind, Dr. Mayer?

I'd say Dr. Mayer's mind was on his
work, and rather happily so.

You can be amused, Lord Teakwood. This
is an American problem.

It's a universal problem, I fear.

If only your police had got that damn
girl before she lost her camera.

She'd rather go to candidate fair days,
isn't she?

Too damn good. It's a remarkable
likeness of the three of us.

Notice how she captured us just above
the good doctor's dove.

Brilliant timing, actually. A moment
later, he might have been on the rise.

We'd have been completely obscured.

I consider that poor humor.

No humor intended, old chap. I truly
admire that picture.

You know, the Chinese are clever.
They've managed to get Ying right out of

picture. That's really plain dirty.

I say, would you mind if I had a wallet
-sized print made up?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I really must
get back to the Foreign Office. I'll be

in touch.

The Chinese memo that came with that
photograph is pure blackmail.

We certainly can't go ahead with the
secret disarmament negotiations now.

We'd be at their mercy.

What could they do with that photo,
really?

Destroy international image?

To say nothing of our image at home?

You and I, O 'Hara, will end up as
clerks for the internal revenue, and

Mayer, will be deported.

A sorry thing for the United States.

Do you realize if anything happened to
me, that man in the White House would

really be president?

Hey, public reaction might be so bad. I
mean that girl, Selina... What's her

name? She's Anglo -Indian, isn't she?

Now, people understand about Indian
girls.

What do they understand?

You know.

At home, they're so overprotected that
when they get out, they're... They're

oversexed.

Oh, Harrah.

There were three girls involved in this
massive international sex plot, or

whatever it was, and one of them just
happens to be your daughter.

Yeah, I know.

Teakwood's got the special branch out
now rounding him up.

I bet they haven't done anything like
that. I pray they didn't. As I

it, it was your oversexed little
kindergarten kid who had her eye on

Palace or Windsor Castle.

I shall be too tired to care.

Ah.

Ah.

Now, finally, you've got the idea.

international crisis.

You have completely destroyed secret
negotiations that were going on between

several world powers.

And you may have severely endangered our
chance for a real world peace.

We just wanted to help international
relations.

Worst of all was that photograph.

Why would you take a picture of a great
man in such a compromising way?

For the same reason he posed for it.

Don't get flip with me, young woman. I
snapped lots of big men the same way.

Most of them were much more interesting
than that one of Dr. Meyer.

What other men?

Well, there was me with Comrade
Krashnev.

Krashnev? And me with half the red
Chinese ping -pong team.

You have a pornographic picture of the
Chinese?

Well, I snapped it. I don't know what I
got, but it ought to be pretty weird.

Yes, but the film, it was in your camera
when you lost it, huh? No, I change

films for each assignment.

Young lady, you may have put world peace
back on the right track.

Tetons!

Fools!

Running dogs!

And embers!

Not even one week away from your
homeland and you sing to the degenerate

level of the dirty capitalists! If I may
speak, Comrade Chairman. You may not

speak, Shen Yun.

Your face appears in this revolting
spectacle also. I was not actively

No matter.

It will suit the Americans' purpose just
as well.

This creates an impasse, a stalemate.

What good is our photograph of the
American presidential aide now?

There will be hard days ahead for all of
you when you return to Peking.

Ando!

Shen Ying speaking.

Ah, Lord Tikkun.

So good of you to call.

Yes, we received a photograph.

Most amusing.

It adds a little humor to our rim work
to exchange small jokes this way.

Isn't that so?

Oh, of course.

Now that we have both enjoyed a chuckle,
we will destroy our negatives, as I am

sure the Americans will destroy theirs.

Yes.

Very well.

I agree.

Going home?

Yes. We were speaking of that very
thing, as you called.

The ping -pong team will be leaving at
once.

Myself?

Yes, yes, I will accompany them.

And Comrade Shen also.

Yes, Comrade Shen has his bags all
packed.

We will miss our private chats with you
and Americans.

They are flying home at once also.

Yes.

A cooling off period.

Goodbye, Your Lordship.

Goodbye.

Well, it's all settled.

They'll destroy their negative, as I
promised you, Chapswood.

Which, of course, neither of us will do.
They're getting out of the country.

Just as I promised you, Chapswood.

Now, just a minute, just a minute. We've
got other business here besides these

world disarmament talks. That was mainly
a ploy, a cover -up for the secret

negotiations. Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I'm merely conveying the cordial
farewell and bon voyage of the Prime

Why should the Prime Minister give the
boot to Secretary Beard and Dr. Mayer?

I'm afraid the boot is aimed more
directly at you, Ambassador.

Huh? Your daughter was the instigator of
this scandalous affair that nearly

brought on a global conflict.

And you will remember.

One of the men marked down for seduction
by the girls was a guest at the Foreign

Minister's residence.

We can't stand any more scant at this
time than you people.

You mean I'm getting the heave -ho?

That's rather an indelicate way of
putting it.

The Prime Minister has contacted your
President.

You're merely being shifted, oh, still,
Ambassador, to a more glamorous but more

distant post.

contains some mysterious undertones and
rather dire implications.

There has been a sudden and unexplained
mass exodus of very important men out of

London. The airport was teeming this
morning with world -famous

The Red Chinese have cancelled all
further ping -pong exhibitions, and the

entire team embarked this morning for
Peking, along with Shen Ying and Chian

Chu, top -ranking Chinese officials.

Special Presidential Aide, Dr. Wolfgang
Meyer, has suddenly been recalled to

Washington, as has Secretary Beard.

And Soviet statesman Krasniew, boarding
a plane for Moscow this morning, said he

was abandoning all hopes of a world
peace.

His exact and bewildering statement to
the press was that he does not expect to

find another peace in his lifetime.

Observers state he appeared to be a
basket case.

And to cap it all, reliable information
has just been handed us that American

Ambassador Randolph O 'Hara has been
transferred to... Afghanistan.

Afghanistan?

I need a drink. I think it sounds
exotic.

It's in Africa, isn't it? No.

Well, where is it?

Nobody knows.

Don't be so grumpy, Father.

I'm not complaining because I had to
leave that swell school you sent me to.

Neither is that swell school.

Well, if you don't like where they're
sending you, why don't you go back to

being a big Wall Street tycoon?

Because I gave up three presidencies and
the chairmanship of two boards to go

into government.

It's not that easy to go back,
especially in disgrace.

Afghanistan.

Try it. You'll like it.

Like it? I can't even spell it.

You little sex fiend. Your hot pants
bounced me clear up to London. Now

bounced me almost down to oblivion.

I was about to crash Windsor Castle when
your friends loused me up.

I might have bounced you all the way up
to being the first American Prime

Minister of Great Britain.

Say your goodbyes.

Just because I have to leave, I hope
you're not going to give up. You know

important extracurricular activity is.

Don't worry. You made us appreciate the
value of higher education.

We'll keep right on with the thrilling
program you started.

We're going to read the papers and get
some new ideas about world affairs.

And then we'll write you in Afghanistan
and let you know who wins the highest

honor.

Fantastic.

But always remember what Miss Grimm
says.

Winning isn't important.

It's how you play the game.

Time to get on the plane now, Bunny.

I'll be right along.

Yeah.

Bye. Bye, Bunny.

Now, don't forget, Judith, when you
follow next week, be sure to see the

office... Ambassador O 'Hara.

I'm so pleased we're on the same flight,
sir.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Quite a coincidence.

Nice to see you.

Now, as I was saying, be sure to see
that the office files on their way to

are not hung up in some London freight
dock.

Lympho screws you all the way to out of
Mongolia.

Don't worry.

She may be rubbing knees in the air for
a few hours with that Hindu faker.

But the minute she stops off the plane,
I'm shipping her to a nunnery in the

Himalayas. My God, didn't you recognize
him?

That Hindu faker is the president of
Afghanistan.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.