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1
00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:03,920
CREAKING, HE GASPS
2
00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:34,960
JORDAN SCREECHES
3
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HE WAILS
4
00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:44,680
WAILING CONTINUES
5
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,000
HE GRUMBLES
6
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,520
My hair...!
7
00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:56,359
CALLUM GROANS
8
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:58,759
Jordan!
9
00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:00,000
Jordan.
10
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:03,799
Jordan?
11
00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:08,480
I'm... just... trying to get a bit
of sleep, Jordan!
12
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:37,959
Yes, this would be your en suite
and then a single bed.
13
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:41,319
I didn't think YOU'D need
more than that.
14
00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:46,039
It does get very hot in the summer -
a real heat trap.
15
00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:47,639
And I am, er...
16
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,039
...legally obliged
to say that, erm...
17
00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:53,119
...the owner is on a certain...
register.
18
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:55,760
And, er... I don't mean falsetto.
19
00:01:58,320 --> 00:01:59,680
No!
20
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,799
- Is she quiet, at least?
- Oh, she's so quiet!
21
00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,480
You wouldn't even hear her
coming up behind you.
22
00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:10,599
I'll take it.
23
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,679
1,200 a month and a £65 admin fee.
24
00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:15,000
Oh, God...!
25
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:17,639
Ohh!
26
00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:22,279
- God has a plan, Callum Brown.
- HE SIGHS DEEPLY
27
00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:26,920
And sometimes, that plan
is to be a homeless.
28
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,040
Ballymacbot Wars.
29
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:58,400
Oh, fucking hell!
30
00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:05,039
Competitive robot combat
is one of the last ways
31
00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:07,479
a young man can make an honest
living in this world.
32
00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:08,759
And sooner or later,
33
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:13,079
even competitive robots will
be controlled by actual robots.
34
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,159
So let's make use of one of the
last human ventures
35
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:18,679
while we still can, eh?
Ballymacbot Wars.
36
00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:21,439
I never have been a great one
for the concept of war, sham.
37
00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:23,599
Lorcan, don't tell me you've never
wanted to fight robots.
38
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:26,439
We've discussed it many times
late into the night, mister.
39
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,239
- That was enjoyable pillow talk,
I have to say.
- Mm-hm.
40
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,959
And the rules stipulate
we need a three-man team.
41
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,119
So, Jordan, the amount
of games that you play,
42
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:37,000
- I know you'll be an amazing
robot pilot. Won't he?
- Mm-hm.
43
00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:40,400
Is someone hiding his Drizzy hairdo?
44
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,119
OK. First off, I finally
looked up a picture of Drake
45
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:45,960
and we do not look the same, Callum.
46
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:51,519
Secondly, I have no interest in
playing silly robots with you guys.
47
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:54,239
This is your biggest chance to
show off your skills
48
00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:57,959
to the world this side of the
E-gaming championship in Jing'pai.
49
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:01,280
And what skills they are!
You'd make a teenage boy blush.
50
00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:05,320
You' ain't the last of us,
brother - you're the BEST of us.
51
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,799
It'd be a shame to not let the world
see those skills of yours.
52
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,080
- Damn shame.
- Yeah!
53
00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:17,200
You are the Champagne Papi, Jordan.
54
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,800
The world ain't ready for me
yet, guys.
55
00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:29,319
Gemma, do you want
to be our robot pilot?
56
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,039
What? And be your
sloppy seconds? I...
57
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:32,559
Gemma, do you want to do it or not?
58
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:37,159
- Well, is it a mech suit?
Can... Can I get in it?
- No.
59
00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:39,999
You drive a hard bargain,
Callum Brown.
60
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:41,439
SHE CHUCKLES
61
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:42,720
You son of a bitch...
62
00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:45,160
I'm in.
63
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:01,840
This is a vacuum cleaner.
64
00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:06,880
Felled at the first hurdle.
Onwards, Grainne!
65
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,279
Do not waste my time with
vacuum cleaners, folks.
66
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:14,439
All right, son.
These robots are something else.
67
00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:18,799
This is not a Rio de Janeiro
cock fighting ring
68
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:23,959
where the barrier to entry is simply
having a small thing that moves.
69
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:28,520
And I know that because
I've ran those as well. Next!
70
00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:32,799
We would like to enlist in
the upcoming bot wars, please.
71
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,360
And your robot?
72
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:39,639
I... It's still under development.
Gemma here is our pilot.
73
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:43,719
Yes, and I will be getting
in the robot if possible.
74
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,639
What's your role in all this?
75
00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:48,959
Well, I have an A* in
Key Stage 3 Design and Tech.
76
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,519
Bulbs, buzzers, bird-boxes...
77
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:54,600
Well, you'll need to build a box,
all right.
78
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:58,200
A box to bury you in.
79
00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:04,839
- That's right - I'm part cyborg.
- He's just like my granny...!
80
00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:07,079
Had my eye slapped
out by a low-ranking
81
00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:09,439
house bot's pneumatic flipper.
82
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,559
That eye was holding me back.
83
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:15,360
Now I can see more clearly
than ever.
84
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,959
{\an8}I've also got a...
85
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,199
{\an8}...robo cock extender
86
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:32,479
that lengthens up to one
inch above the UK average.
87
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:36,919
And you're talking to me... You're
talking to me about bird boxes?!
88
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:41,599
This isn't Key Stage 3,
this is Kill Stage 3!
89
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,120
This is robots at war!
90
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,479
But do you know what
the most dangerous part
91
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:51,239
of competitive robot combat is?
92
00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:52,640
Is it the pincers?
93
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,840
Losing your humanity.
94
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,039
What's your robot's name, then?
95
00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:05,120
Has Robbie the Robot
already been taken?
96
00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:10,360
Yeehoo! Ooh - let's add a
flame-thrower to its arse.
97
00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:15,999
Hey! Why is your robot on a leash?
98
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,799
Cos it's a foul beast
is what it is.
99
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:20,079
It's got the combined
power of 405 horses.
100
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:21,359
Jesus! That's the same strength
101
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,199
as a Massey Ferguson
S-Series engine.
102
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,959
That's exactly what it is,
on top of a lawnmower.
103
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:28,519
And this here's Fergal.
He's our pilot.
104
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:32,039
He drove tanks in Tiananmen,
got his throat shot out by a sniper.
105
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:35,360
HE SNARLS
-
- Get the fuck off.
106
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:41,159
They say a robot is made
in the image of its creator.
107
00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:44,479
Is that why your schematics
depict a big, massive fanny?
108
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,039
Are you sure you want to enlist
in a war of the robots
109
00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:48,199
with this hunk of junk?
110
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,440
We aren't enlisting
in the war of the robots.
111
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,159
We're WINNING the war
of the robots!
112
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,959
That's right, and we're going to
put an end to this damned conflict,
113
00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,759
- once and fer all.
- You think you can
hack the war of the robots?
114
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,199
This ain't no Wall-E shit.
This is going to get dark.
115
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,679
Well, joke's on you, Frank,
116
00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:08,240
cos' Wall-E actually IS one
of the darker Pixar movies.
117
00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:11,360
HE GROWLS
118
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,600
Fergal, move!
119
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:20,240
That fella scares
the FUCK out of me, hai!
120
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:25,520
Daddy!
121
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,720
HE SCREAMS LOUDLY
122
00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:38,519
Fuck.
123
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:40,080
SCREAMING CONTINUES
124
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:43,760
HE SCREAMS AND THUDS
125
00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:48,280
HE SOBS
126
00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:53,080
SOBBING INTENSIFIES
127
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,640
Fucking wee baldy cunt.
128
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:20,119
The most important part
of being an assassin
129
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:23,240
isn't the parkour
or the hidden knife blade.
130
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,999
The most important part is...
131
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:31,079
...being a good friend!
132
00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:33,400
Listen, Jordan,
your friends need your help.
133
00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:36,880
They can't win this battle alone.
134
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,200
Don the hood...
135
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,680
...hide your bald shame...
136
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:50,840
...do what you must to help.
137
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:56,520
Run, for God's sake! Help them!
138
00:09:58,320 --> 00:09:59,600
Jordy?
139
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,520
Jordy-bum?
140
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,519
Ben?
141
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:08,760
Ben, he...
He's finally left the house!
142
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:18,959
CALLUM GRUNTS
143
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,359
Now, Callum, I know you're
the chief designer,
144
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,159
but if I am going to
be piloting the thing
145
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:25,719
- I really do think
I should have a say.
- OK...
146
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:29,639
She's based on one of nature's most
docile creatures - the slutty pig.
147
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:31,239
Which, to be fair, it'll give it
148
00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:33,239
an element of surprise
in the combat arena.
149
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:35,560
Ooh! Flip her over, Lorcy.
150
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:38,639
This is her little heart
151
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,679
and that's just to remind us
to hold on to our humanity.
152
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:44,279
{\an8}What's this here at
the... at the back?
153
00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:46,999
{\an8}Oh! That's her pussy.
154
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:50,000
- It's going to shoot darts.
- LORCAN IMITATES DARTS WHOOSHING
155
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:01,719
Just one wee question
for you, Gemma.
156
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:05,119
Erm... How useful is it going to be
when she's got a serrated pick-axe
157
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:08,079
lodged in her skull and all she
can do is shit pussy darts
158
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:11,679
- onto the fucking floor?!
- Don't talk
about her like that, Cally.
159
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:14,799
Hai, boy. Now I know you're tired,
but neither our ears,
160
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,439
nor the piggy's, deserve
THAT kind of language.
161
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,719
What goes on inside
your head, Gemma?
162
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:23,079
Do you have any idea how difficult
that circuitry's going to be
163
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:26,759
to get... to get darts to fly out
of a fucking pig's pussy, Gemma?
164
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:31,519
Robot wars is supposed to be fun,
you sweaty-handed little prick!
165
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,279
CALLUM YELLS
166
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,399
Take all this silly,
pointless shit away
167
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:40,599
and build me a robot that fucking
works! I'm the chief designer!
168
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:45,520
I have not slept in over 350 hours!
OK? Get to it!
169
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:56,119
I want a fucking robot
with a flipper!
170
00:11:56,120 --> 00:12:00,200
I want a fucking flip... I want a
fucking flipper. Let's do a flipper!
171
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:09,039
Let me hear it! Flip, flip, flip!
172
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:11,679
-
- Flip, flip, flip, flip...
- Flip, flip, flip!
173
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,039
THEY ALL REPEAT
174
00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,440
Flip 'em, flip 'em,
flip 'em, flip 'em...
175
00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,120
EAGLE CRIES DRAMATICALLY
176
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:37,239
Now, I know we're in the middle
of a robot war right now,
177
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:40,240
but never forget this. This!
178
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:44,199
It's the most powerful
weapon you have.
179
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,719
I know it's hard to hear right
now in that sleepy head of yours,
180
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,759
but you've got to keep listening,
sham, for God's sake!
181
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:52,919
It'll make itself heard
sooner rather than later.
182
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:57,960
Lorcan, do you know what happens
when you go 350 hours without sleep?
183
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:01,720
What's that, sham?
184
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:08,199
The dreams inside your head
start to leak out into reality!
185
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:09,999
JORDAN SHRIEKS
186
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,999
Wah!
187
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,040
HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEK
188
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:18,319
Are ye sure moving out of Jordan's
is the answer, though?
189
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:21,039
He'll be utterly devastated,
so he will.
190
00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:22,999
Jordan will be fine.
191
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:27,319
His hair will grow back and cover up
that disgusting bald head of his!
192
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:29,040
HE SOBS
193
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:33,040
OBJECTS CLATTER
194
00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,200
Must've been a titmouse, hai.
195
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,040
OWL HOOTS
196
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:46,439
Jordan?
197
00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:49,080
Ye are not gonna believe...
198
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,160
TENSE MUSIC
199
00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:59,239
Wha... The Illuminati?
200
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,240
Oh, Jordan, what are you up to?
201
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,279
JORDAN CHUCKLES
Jordan!
202
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:07,599
As long as there have been kings
who have called themselves gods,
203
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:09,999
phoneys who have called
themselves friends,
204
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,319
we have been there.
205
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:12,679
In shadow.
206
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,639
In SILENCE!
207
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:18,319
OK. Jordan, your dad's told me
that you left the house today,
208
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:21,679
which is great, so we were wondering
if you wanted to come to
209
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,479
Ballymacbot Wars with us tomorrow.
210
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,959
Bot wars, the French Revolution,
211
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,279
the Crusades!
212
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:29,959
It's all the same to me.
213
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,479
Power breeds cruelty.
214
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,320
A knife in the dark gifts...
215
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,040
-
- ...mercy.
216
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:39,720
OK, Jordan, what's with all the...
217
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:43,999
Oh J-Jor... Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
218
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:47,119
You know better than anyone we've
all got secrets, Callum Brown!
219
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,119
Jesus fucking Christ!
220
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,039
Little surprises up our sleeve.
221
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,039
CALLUM EXHALES SLOWLY
222
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:55,440
-
- Some just hide it
better than others.
223
00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,040
CALLUM GASPS
224
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:03,360
Ssssss!
225
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:07,679
Jordan...
226
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,520
Jordan!
227
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,520
-
- Oh, oh, oh...
228
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,080
Ah... argh!
229
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,719
What are you doing?!
230
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,759
JORDAN PANTS AND WHIMPERS
231
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:26,000
SWEEPING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
232
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:41,239
Guys, I am so tired.
233
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:44,639
I-I can't actually tell if it
was a dream or a nightmare,
234
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:46,879
but I-I'm pretty sure Jordan
tried to open my throat
235
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,920
with a butter knife last night.
236
00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:53,919
I think it was a real wake-up call
that I need to be a better friend.
237
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,719
We knew you'd wake up to that one
sooner rather than later, sham.
238
00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:58,639
Oh, come on.
239
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:01,279
- There we go. Easy, slugger...
- Get that coffee into you.
240
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:02,959
Easy. Aw.
241
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,919
This war's taking its friggin'
toll on me, Gem.
242
00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:08,359
Even if you're having a mare,
243
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:11,399
know your friends will
always be there.
244
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,320
It's a quote from Wall-E.
245
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:15,879
Mmm!
246
00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:17,959
Oh...
247
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,479
Efficient design, sleek.
248
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,159
And look at that.
249
00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:24,359
The most important part.
250
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:27,519
Its heart is in exactly
the right place,
251
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,999
anatomically speaking, of course.
252
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,799
Prepare your robot for
lethal engagement!
253
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:36,239
Excuse me, boss.
Er, where's all the other bots?
254
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:38,519
Oh, there's only one other
team this year
255
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:40,999
and I've just disqualified
their pilot.
256
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,359
If I haven't found
another in one minute
257
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,759
it's an automatic win
for Robbie,
258
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:51,040
and a very, very sad day for those
who enjoy metal-on-metal violence.
259
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:57,799
Guys, I was looking it up and
a hair-plug procedure in Turkey
260
00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:59,319
costs a couple of grand.
261
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,639
We'll have another grand left over
for two return flights.
262
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:05,999
Why don't we take the money and use
it to get Jordan his hair back?
263
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,319
And, Gemma, you can see
the Adriatic Sea
264
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,239
like you've always dreamed.
265
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,599
I can get my tits done!
266
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:14,319
Well, I think that'd be an outcome
we could all be happy with.
267
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,440
Let's do it for Jordan!
268
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:20,520
DRAMATIC MUSIC
269
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:23,720
Jordan...
270
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,719
What the fuck?
271
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:37,280
He's on my da's team?
272
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:41,319
Oh, look who it is.
273
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,679
Dick, Dom and the Bungle-hoe.
274
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:46,439
What the hell? So rude.
275
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:47,999
Jordan, what the hell's going on?
276
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,479
You wanted me at Ballymacbot Wars.
277
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:51,080
Well, HERE I AM!
278
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:55,439
Fergal was using
performance-enhancing
279
00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:58,439
barbiturates. Nearly got us
kicked out of the comp.
280
00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:01,319
Then I found this one
bouncing around the farm.
281
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:04,639
And who better to pilot a robot
than a massive virgin?
282
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,480
JORDAN HISSES
283
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:10,759
Jordan, I know I've been acting
like a self-obsessed
284
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:12,759
tech billionaire recently, but...
285
00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:15,799
I know you're planning to use
the money to leave me, Callum.
286
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,840
God, you're always one step
behind, aren't ye?
287
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,799
TENSE MUSIC
288
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:28,319
Pilots, to your corners!
289
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:29,719
JORDAN GIGGLES
290
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:30,920
Ooh!
291
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,879
Robot ready?
292
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,039
Yeah, ha-ha!
293
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:43,239
Robot ready?
294
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:46,599
I'm rippin' that hood off
if you don't win.
295
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:48,559
- Come on, Jordy.
- Come on, boys.
296
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:51,119
Robots... fighhhht!
297
00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:52,359
FAST-PACED HEAVY METAL MUSIC
298
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:53,759
No, you got it, you got it,
you got it.
299
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:56,959
- Go, Gemma, go!
- Can you
not reverse it, no?
- AHHHHH!
300
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,639
- Huh?
- No use.
301
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,479
You've got this!
302
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,999
Lorcy, where's
the pussy-dart button?
303
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,079
We don't have one, Gemma.
304
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:06,599
Go on!
305
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:09,199
- Go on, Gemma. Come on.
- This is what I live for.
306
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:10,359
Go on, Robbie!
307
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:12,559
- Go and get it!
- I'm trying!
- Come on.
308
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:14,999
Move it, you stupid
Humpty-Dumpty-lookin' fucker.
309
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,639
- Come on.
- Aye, you look like a dick.
- Silly little boy!
310
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:19,959
- Yeah, you big puss, Jordan!
- Fuck him up, Gemma!
311
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,279
- Yeah fuck him uuuup!
- You don't even
know what you're doing, hai!
312
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,679
What is our attack?
What does this robot do?
313
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,999
It's a lawnmower, Jesus.
Mow the cunt!
314
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,079
Oh...
315
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:32,319
- Ahhhh!
- Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip,
flip, flip, flip, flip, flip...
316
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:34,279
- You betrayed me, Callum!
- Arrrggghhh!
317
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:35,959
- Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip...
- Arrrggghhh!
318
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,439
YOU BETRAYED ME!
319
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:38,839
Go. Go!
320
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:40,719
Oh, fuck me, they've both went over!
321
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,079
It might be a draw, hai.
322
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,959
- Oh!
- Argh, aaargh!
323
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:47,000
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
324
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:51,240
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
325
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,880
Robbie wins!
326
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:00,679
THEY LAUGH AND CHEER
327
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,439
C'mere, you!
328
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,439
Ah, ha-ha, ha-ha!
329
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,719
Whoo!
CHEERING STOPS
330
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:10,039
- Get him, get him!
- Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Bastard!
331
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,760
Get him!
332
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:14,839
- Ahhh!
- Oh...
333
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,040
GASPS
Jesus.
334
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,119
Argh!
335
00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:31,599
Ha-ha!
336
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,799
It's not regulation,
337
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:36,039
but I think I'll allow it.
338
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,559
♪ And if you just fall... ♪
339
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,359
- Ahhh!
- Jordan!
340
00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:41,839
Get away!
341
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:42,919
Get it away from me!
342
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,960
Rollin' around like
a big boneless worm!
343
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:49,679
HE SCREAMS
344
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:51,919
Argh! It's going to eat me!
It's going to eat me!
345
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:53,720
ARNOLD CHUCKLES
346
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,439
JORDAN SCREAMS
347
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:59,959
♪ I'll never just disappear
348
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:03,160
♪ I'm always here
to lend an ear... ♪
349
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,079
Well, let me just say I think
it was very mature of you
350
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:10,439
to let Lorcan and Gemma go on that
Turkey holiday instead, my man.
351
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:11,839
Nah, I didn't deserve it.
352
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:13,999
Plus, Lorcan made the decision
easy when he offered me
353
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,519
a clump of his Boggin's mane.
354
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:17,319
It was a win-win, really.
355
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:20,199
Mm. Yeah, you look like
prime Bobby Charlton, my man.
356
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:21,799
LORCAN CHUCKLES
357
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:23,599
- Oh...
- Oh, speak of the devil.
358
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,759
Oh, boob-job alert!
THEY LAUGH
359
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:27,599
No, I didn't get one in the end.
I actually, er...
360
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:28,719
I went for something else.
361
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:30,719
I'm not sure if you've noticed.
362
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:33,799
Oh. Yeah, they did a really good
job there, Gemma.
363
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:36,199
Yeah, well, they had incredibly
professional facilities, Callum.
364
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:37,999
What can I sa?
365
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,519
I'll tell ye, we're all lookin'
like quite the picture these days.
366
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:43,479
A regular bunch of magazine models,
if I do say so myself.
367
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:44,759
You can say that again.
368
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,759
We practically look like
twins, Lorcan.
369
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:49,079
Oh, my God. You do!
LAUGHTER
370
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:51,039
Hey, Cally, you're also
looking pretty fresh.
371
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:52,919
- Ach!
- Did you finally get some sleep?
372
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,599
I actually think it was the guilt
of betraying Jordan that kept me up
373
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:58,599
at night, just as much as his
screaming bloody night terrors.
374
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:01,239
Now, with a clear conscience,
I'm back to my usual
375
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:05,399
four to five hours of slightly
restless, scattered REM sleep,
376
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,679
with an occasional wet dream
thrown in for good measure.
377
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,239
Just what the doctor
flippin' ordered!
378
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:13,759
I love sleeping with you, Callum.
379
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,600
I love sleeping in the same
room as you, too, Jordan.
380
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:21,040
When are you going to tell them?
381
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:24,079
HE MUTTERS
Shhh.
382
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,119
They're going to find out
eventually.
383
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:27,399
They might not, hai.
384
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:29,359
Lorcy...
385
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,040
...they're going to find out
386
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:36,479
Let's just leave that one for
another day, hai?
387
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,000
Come on.
388
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,399
- Come on in.
- Who wants pizza? Pizza!
389
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:43,199
LAUGHTER
390
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:44,599
That's all we've got for you, Gemma.
391
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:46,639
THEY LAUGH
Have a bite.
392
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:48,439
OK.
393
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,559
{\an8}These are good peps. Hm.
394
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,399
{\an8}It does feel a little bit weird
when I eat, to be fair.
395
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:54,920
Guys, do you think a girl will ever
kiss me again with this hair?
396
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,359
Let me tell you from experience...
397
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:00,639
- ...yes.
- Yes, she will.
398
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,319
- Oh, oh...
- Oh!
399
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:03,559
LAUGHTER
400
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,279
How do you feel about that, Lorcan?
401
00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:07,879
- Oh, yeah, go on!
- Lorcan!
Give him one, too!
402
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:09,959
- Nah...
- Ah, Callum.
- Go, go!
- You have to.
403
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,639
Go.
404
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,879
Whoo!
JORDAN LAUGHS
405
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:16,439
I think this is going to be
the best Christmas ever.
406
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,799
Thank God the robot war's over.
407
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,559
Come on. There we go!
408
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:22,479
ROCK BALLAD
409
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,240
Mmm, mmm...
410
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:29,720
I love you guys.
30564
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