Original subtitles

- Mr. Moon? - You again.

Didn't I toss you out of here last night?

Six times. But if you'll just give me a minute to...

Gentlemen, this lad has travelled all the way from America

to reunite me with my wife.

[ANGRY SHOUTING]

NILES: Wait, wait, wait!

You never gave me a chance to buy a round of drinks.

[CHEERING]

All right. The usual, Ray.

Starting talking. You got one pint.

Mr. Moon, a great man once wrote

that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.

Done. Get out.

Mr. Moon, Mr. Moon, your wife... Your wife is miserable without you.

You should give her another chance. After all, you were married 40 years.

Forty years too long. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for work.

Hello. Aren't you a pretty thing? Fancy a roll in the hay?

Nobody talks to my woman that way.

[GRUNTING]

Let's go.

[GROANING]

Here's a tenner, Harry. Hope I didn't hurt you.

All in the line of duty. Good luck to you.

- She's a nice bit of skirt. - Ta.

Same again, Ray.

- Ooph. - What was that?

My job.

I let lads give me a thumping to impress their dates.

I tell you, it's a cakewalk compared to being married to Gertrude.

At least when these lads hit me, they hold something back.

Well, you know, Mr. Moon, you wouldn't recognise your wife.

- She's mellowed. - You're wasting your breath.

All right, forget about your wife for a minute.

Think about your daughter. She's heartbroken.

- My Daphne? - Yes! Yes.

This separation is tearing her apart. If...

If you care about her, come back to Seattle with me and talk to your wife.

If you don't patch things up,

at least your only daughter will know you cared enough to try.

Well, you know, I'd love to see my baby girl again.

But I can't afford to travel across the Atlantic whenever I please.

Oh, I would pay for the ticket, of course.

I can't have you buying me a first-class ticket to America.

- I insist. - All right. For Daphne.

You know, you're lucky you caught me on a light workweek.

Oh, here's my 2:00 now.

Hello. Aren't you a pretty thing?

- You mind if I join you, Roz? - Oh, please.

You can help me kill some time.

Roger's picking up his things from my apartment.

- I don't want to run into him. - Ah, afraid you'll fight?

Worse. I'm afraid we'll end up in bed.

There's something about him that is irresistible.

- I understand. - Trust me, you don't.

Roger is the best lover I have ever been with.

Oh, my God, what am I saying? You were great, too.

- There's no need to do this. - It's just that I forgot.

Well, technically, it wasn't really sex because it was you.

But whatever it was, it was great.

Roz, please, there's no need to discuss it.

- I was one satisfied customer. - Glad to hear it.

Oh, here, let's pretend that this comment card is about you.

Roz, please, there is no need to do that.

Oh, all right, if you insist.

Just remember that it was late at night,

and I am really more of a morning person.

There you go.

Let's see.

[ROZ CHUCKLES]

High marks for courtesy and neatness of appearance.

- That's good. - Mm-hm.

You were served in a prompt and timely manner.

Absolutely.

Now, I see here that, um, you're not planning a return visit.

Well, only because we agreed. I mean, as you can see,

I will highly recommend you to friends and family members.

Well, that's very kind of you, Roz. Thank you.

Would you like me to fill one out for you?

No. I think you made your opinion clear when you screamed, "Outstanding."

Oh.

Well, thanks for a tour of your city, lads.

- Now where's your loo? - Ah.

I need to splash my boots. Oh.

Just an expression. Or so I've chosen to believe.

Niles, are you and Daphne planning on having children?

- Someday. Why? - No reason.

Now, all I have to do is stash Mr. Moon at my place,

pick up Daphne and her mom at the airport.

Then get them all together and lay the groundwork for a reconciliation.

- Oh, hi, Dad. How was work? - Hi, guys.

Oh, great. I finally busted that guy

who was writing "Seymour Butz" on the sign-out sheets.

- So who was it? - Senior Vice-President Butz.

I'm on probation for a week.

Good God. You American police are persistent.

I suppose you'd be looking for this.

- A Space Needle snow globe? - You see, I meant to pay for it.

I put it in my pocket, and somewhere between there and the register,

I forgot about it. Why don't you take it back?

Mr. Moon, I think you're mistaken.

This is our father. He... He works as a security guard.

- Yeah, Marty Crane. How do you do? - Oh, ha, ha. Harold Moon.

Oh, well, you did a terrific job bringing up your daughter.

Oh, well, you know, you do your best.

[LAUGHS]

- I'll be needing that back then. - Oh.

- Harry, let me get you a beer. - Oh, get a man a beer,

he'll drink for five minutes.

Teach him where they are, he drinks all day.

Oh, uh, Dad, Dad, I need you to do me a favour.

Mr. Moon is a bit reluctant about getting back together with his wife.

Ha. Can you blame him?

It occurs to me that there's no woman so attractive

as the one that some other guy seems to be attracted to.

- So... - No way.

[NILES STAMMERS]

It would mean a lot to Daphne.

And... And it'll get Mrs. Moon out of the country.

Well, if it means a lot to Daphne.

Well, she's a hell of a woman, your Gertrude.

I don't blame you for coming over here to fight for her.

Really?

- What's so great about her? - Oh, well, you know, ha, ha.

I mean, uh, like I have to tell you.

The whole package, heh. She's got, uh...

...hair.

Skin, uh, et cetera.

- And she's a good little drinker. - Dad, dad, dad. Why, just last week,

you were commenting on her twinkly eyes and her sunny smile.

Definitely. Yes, I was. Ha, ha.

Yeah, they sure don't make women like that in America. Come on, boy.

Wait a minute. I think I know what's going on here.

The dog, the cane.

He's lost his vision, hasn't he?

And then she drags me to another luau.

Where I come from, you bury a dead pig because it's diseased,

not because you're gonna dig it up and eat it.

Yes, well, Hawaii's not for everyone.

Things may be looking up. I have a surprise.

Oh, a surprise.

I hope not another trip, darling,

or I might just have to kill you in your sleep.

Niles, good news. Our feet are the same size.

- Daddy. I knew you'd come! - Hello, Stilts.

Oh, give your old dad a kiss.

[LAUGHING AND KISSING]

Mum, look who's here, all the way from England.

Hello, Gert.

"Hello, Gert"? That's all you have to say for yourself?

For 40 years I've been a good wife to you,

raising your children and boiling your meals,

and letting you work off your animal lusts,

and all I get for my trouble is a cheery, "Hello, Gert"?

Well, your fatal charm is not gonna work this time.

So you can drag your sorry ass back to that barstool it normally sags over

and leave me the hell alone!

Thank you, Niles, that was a nice surprise.

You're right. She has mellowed.

See? And I'm... I'm sure if you just give her a little more time,

- you'll work everything out. - I gave it my best shot.

- I'm gonna go pack. - Daddy.

I don't understand. He came all this way and he's just gonna give up?

Well, actually, he didn't even want to come.

I sort of flew to England and persuaded him.

- You what? - I wanted to surprise you.

How could you do this without talking to me first?

That would've ruined the surprise.

Niles, I could have flown to England and talked to him too.

But I didn't because I know my parents.

When they fight, they need time apart to miss each other.

And you would have known that had you consulted me first.

HARRY: I'm off. - Uh, Mr. Moon, Mr. Moon, wait.

Just... Just... Just stay one more day

and spend a little more time with your daughter. I'll put you up in a hotel.

I can't let you buy me a suite in a five-star hotel.

- I'm sorry I yelled at you last night. - No, no, I'm sorry.

L... I was thinking about it. You were absolutely right.

Look... We are a team now, and bringing your dad back

- should have been our joint decision. - Thanks for understanding.

Anyway, what's done is done.

Mum's taken her claws out of the ceiling,

and Dad's headed back to England.

Actually, I convinced him to stay another day.

I thought I should tell you since we're a team.

- You what? - Well, I thought you'd wanna

spend more time with him. Plus,

since they're both in the same city, we can get them together tonight.

Or not.

We're a team.

It's totally up to you.

I don't know. Maybe we should let them work it out for themselves.

Yeah. Or, on the other hand, maybe our love will inspire them,

and come October, they'll be dancing at our wedding.

- That would be wonderful. - Oh, hi, guys.

Hey, Frasier. Frasier, listen. Uh...

Daphne and I are taking her parents out to dinner tonight.

Can you get us a reservation at Chez Henri?

Oh, Chez Henri.

Niles, they're booked up months in advance.

I know that I wouldn't get in, but I was hoping if I cloaked myself

- in the mantle of your renown... - You know better than that.

Niles, I am not susceptible to flattery.

I know. You're the most grounded, down-to-earth person I know.

Thank you. I'll make a call.

- Hey, Daphne, Niles. Frasier. - Oh! Roz, Roz.

Uh, listen, I wanted to talk to you about this.

- Oh, my God. You still have that? - Yes, well, I was glancing at it.

I couldn't help but notice that the overall score you gave me,

out of a possible five cups of coffee,

was a four.

- Yeah. That's a good score. - It's... It's a fine score.

But it occurs to me that this presents an opportunity for me

to learn something about my performance that might benefit me.

So, what might I have done

to earn that elusive fifth cup?

Oh, I'm a tough grader. No one's a five-cupper.

Nevertheless, there is a theoretical fifth cup out there.

Now, I'm going to put ego aside. This is strictly about self-improvement.

My commitment to sexcellence, if you will.

- You just lost a cup. - Oh, please, Roz.

All right. Um...

[CHUCKLES]

You know that thing you did at the end?

- At the very end? - Just before.

- I know exactly what you mean. - I could have done without that.

Really?

You didn't like that? Hm. Well, maybe that's just your taste.

- No. - Oh.

Because I've received high kudos for that in the past.

No, look, don't take it personally.

It would have been impossible for either one of us

to get a perfect score that night, given the circumstances.

We were both tentative, more than a little vulnerable.

- That's true. - And it was tough to concentrate

with the TV blaring away in your dad's bedroom.

I didn't hear that.

Don't you remember? Sting was on Letterman.

He was talking about the rain forest

and the plight of the Yanomama Indians.

It was really sad.

I mean, the whole Orinoco River Valley is being forested into extinction.

Well, I'm glad my woefully inadequate performance

didn't distract you from your ecology lesson.

Did Sting happen to mention anything about you shaving your legs?

Because that's a rain forest that could use some pruning.

Frasier!

That is exactly why I didn't want to do... Forget it.

Forget it.

- You know, you're a very good kisser. - No, I'm not.

- You are. I'm not. - Oh, yes, you are.

- Do I need to fill out another card? - Oh, please.

Would you?

[LAUGHS]

We have some magnificent specials this evening.

Just so you know, Henri, I won't eat frogs, snails, slugs or eels.

And don't try slipping them under the sauce. I'm on to you people.

I shall, uh, repeat this to the chef,

and I'm sure some other delightful surprise

will find its way onto your plate.

Isn't this lovely? Candlelight, romantic music.

Ah. It must take you back to the days of your courtship.

- Where did you two meet? - At a soccer riot.

She stopped a Spanish bloke from smashing a chair over my head.

He wasn't Spanish, he was Portuguese.

- I believe he was Spanish. - Well, I believe I know the difference

between a bloody Spaniard and a bloody Portuguese.

Oh, okay. Okay, moving on. Um...

- Your first date? - She had me over for dinner.

Oh, do you remember, I cooked you bubble and squeak.

And then we went out, got squiffy and half-starkers,

and snogged behind the chippy.

[ALL LAUGH]

You lost me after the word "dinner," but the language of love is universal.

Oh, listen, we had some good times back then, eh?

Oh, you should have seen her, Daphne.

- She was a real firecracker. - Oh.

Maybe we should order some champagne.

I brought a very special bottle. It's in the car.

Um, you two, you just, uh, keep reminiscing. I'll be right back.

Hello, lovely dog.

Hey, hey, hey.

- Hello. - Hello.

[CAR ALARM BEEPS]

- Bastard. Take that back. - I will not.

- Mommy, Daddy, please. - What's going on?

What happened to snogging behind the chippy?

- Get out of my country. - I can't leave soon enough.

[GROANS]

- You're Martin Crane's problem now. - What?

Did you think I wouldn't find out about your old fancy man?

- He can't stop thinking about you. - That's because he knows

- a good thing when he sees it. - He can't see anything!

Take me home, Daphne. I've had enough of this horrid man.

Oh, wait. Now that the lines of communication are open...

Oh, leave it alone, Niles. Come on, Mum.

No, Gertrude, I never said I had a thing for you.

No, I'm not playing hard to get.

Yes, I guess if I was playing hard to get I'd say that I wasn't, but I'm not.

Henri, you... You can't ban me from your bistro.

It's my chez away from chez.

But...

- Very well. Goodbye, Henri. - Goodbye, Gertrude.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Great. I cheated death in Korea for this.

- Hello. - Hello.

- I see word travels fast. - Is Daphne here?

No, she's not back from taking her mother home yet.

Oh, well, I was hoping to see her before I left.

- I guess I'll leave her a note then. - Uh, Mr. Moon.

I'm sorry I dragged you all the way to America.

Oh, it wasn't all that bad. I got to see Daphne. And that hotel was brilliant.

The towels were so fluffy, I could barely close my suitcase.

- Niles, I'm sorry things didn't work out. - Well, we can't say you didn't try.

- Hello. - Hello.

Well, uh, Dad, uh, why don't we go to your bedroom?

I wanna show you how to use your closed captioning on the TV

so you don't have to have it on so loud at night.

Yeah, sure.

Your dad's here in your room. He's just leaving you a note.

How's your mom?

Apparently there's nothing left for her in England,

so she's thinking about putting down roots here.

Daphne, from the bottom of my heart...

Niles, it's been a very trying day. Could we talk about this later?

I'll drive Daddy to the airport. I'll move his suitcase to your car.

There you are. Well, back to England then.

Yes. No chance of you and Mum getting back together?

Don't think so, love. Not this time.

- Maybe if you give it another chance. - Daphne, I'm sorry. It's over.

Has been for a long time. I mean, I've got no complaints.

I got something wonderful out of it. You.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Dad. If you didn't love each other,

why did you stay together for 40 years?

Through all the fighting and the screaming and the hitting?

That was for you kids.

I can't believe this is really happening.

Maybe I'm naive, but I always thought love would save the day.

Well, you know, we all think that when we're young,

but then life beats us around a bit

and you learn to dream a little smaller.

So that's how it goes. Two people get married,

they're together 40 years, and then all of a sudden it just ends.

But it's different for you. I mean, you've found the right person.

- You barely know him. - Well, all I know is

I threw him out of my pub six times, and six times he marched back in

and yammered my ear off until...

Until I went back with him to America.

All to make you happy. I never did anything like that for your mother.

No, no. I tell you, Daphne, you've got a right one there,

A good one, you know. And another thing, he's worth a bob or two.

- Oh, Dad. - Ha, ha, sweetie.

[LAUGHS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- I want to marry you. - I want to marry you.

No, I want to marry you now.

- As in now? - Yes.

- Why? - Why?

Because you'd do anything,

even put up with my insane family, to make me happy.

Because you'd travel halfway around the world

to make my dreams come true, even the impossible ones.

And because I can't spend one more second

without being your wife, Niles Crane,

because I adore you.

[LAUGHS]

But I thought you always wanted a big wedding.

You want to make my dreams come true?

This is my dream.