All language subtitles for everybody_hates_chris_s03e16_everybody

( Run-DMC's
"You Be Illin'" playing )

CHRIS: For as long as I can remember,
music was a part of my life.

And in 1986,

the biggest act
in the world was Run-DMC.

� One day when I was chillin' �

� In Kentucky Fried Chicken �

� Just minding my business �

� Eatin' food
And finger lickin' �

� This dude walked in looking
strange and kind of funny �

What you listening to,
young blood?

Young blood.

What you listening to?

Run-DMC.

What kind of name is Run?
Ha, ha.

Ain't that a verb,
everybody?

( men chuckling )

Going to that concert?

I wish. It's sold out.

I've got a guy that's gonna
give me two tickets tomorrow.

They're yours for 200.

CHRIS:
I don't have $200.

I'll take 'em.

Okay, I'll have them
tomorrow at 6.

And I'm gonna need cash.

Now, I don't take check, credit,

pesos, rubles,

wampums, ducats
or wherewithal.

No problem.

As long as you can
also loan me $200.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, what's going on?
Hey.

Uh, Manny, you mind

if I leave these here?
What is it?

Applications
for my BFD Scholarship.

BFD?

Black Funeral Directors.

What I was thinking
wasn't even close.

( chuckles )
You too, right?

So if you know of any young men

who would like to learn about
the wonderful world of death,

this scholarship
is worth $250.

Sounds like ticket money to me.

I'm interested.
Interested in free money.

Oh, I didn't know
you were interested

in the bereaved and deceased.

I'm not.
Oh, this is a lot easier

than I thought it would be.

I was thinking
the exact same thing.

All you have to do
is sign right here

and you're
the new BFD scholar.

Good.
Now, when do I get the money?

Oh, as soon as you're done
with the program.

Will I be done with the
program by tomorrow at 6?

It's gonna take longer
than that to learn

all you need to know
about death.

No, it's not,
because right now

I'm having a heart attack.

( funky hip-hop theme playing )

� Oh, make it funky now �

While I waited
for my scholarship money,

I was researching other ways
to get some cash.

Give you an advance on your pay?

Yeah, and I'll pay you back

as soon as I get my
scholarship money.

That sounds like a good plan.

But what happens
if you get killed?

I haven't thought
about that.

Ain't that nothing.

You learning about death

and ain't even thought
about dying.

Ha. Death can happen
at any moment, son.

It can happen
when you're happy,

when you're sad,

or when you
owe somebody money.

Translation: no.

While I was hurting for cash,

my mother was in pain.

So the chart says you got pain
in your shoulder.

How did you do this?

Oh, I was reaching for something

and I must have overextended.

That's one way of putting it.

Boy, didn't I tell you
about throwing that ball?

Mama, I didn't mean
to break it, I'm sorry.

Oh,
your behind gonna be sorry.

( cracking )
Ow. Ow.

Went too far back on
the wind-up, didn't you?

Yeah. You know
that boy broke a $60 lamp

when I told him,
"Do not throw a ball

in the house." Ow.

Next time just stretch first.
Stretch?

Nothing helps you give better
ass whuppings than yoga.

It's part of
the proper technique.

There are various techniques
that you can use to avoid injury

while delivering
an ass whupping.

There's the Two-Cheek Cross,

the Roundhouse Booty Buster,

or my personal favorite:

the Kunta Kinte Will Breaker.

In the wrong hands,

a beating
can be called child abuse.

In the right hands,
it could be the difference

between raising
a Bill Gates or a Bobby Brown.

Read this.

If you rest your arm in a sling
for a week, you'll be fine.

A week?
I can't rest for a week.

I gotta cook and clean.
You're hurt.

Make those kids do it.

Strap me up.
Mm-hm.

My mother had a sling,

while my father had ch-ching.

What's this?

I got a fun project
for you.

My father was famous
for his fun projects.

Isn't this fun?

What is this stuff
anyway?

Asbestos.

We're gonna save a lot of
money on heat this year.

I need you
to roll these quarters.

Forty in each roll.

You think you
can handle that, baby?

Okay, Daddy.

That's my girl.

I had a hundred dollars saved,
and I had to get the rest

or my chance to see Run-DMC

was gonna be G-O-N-E.

So, Dad, can I borrow
a hundred dollars

until my scholarship
money arrives?

That depends. Can I borrow
it back two seconds later?

For what?
Books.

But Mr. Omar gave you
a scholarship.

What, he can't give you
the books?

I get $250.

Wow. They got any more
scholarships around here?

I don't know.
The Future Crackheads

of America had a scholarship,

but they used that up
on Flavor Flav.

Well, I guess it's
for a good cause.

Turn around so
I can get the money.

Okay.

I never did find out

where my father kept
his secret stash.

Here you go.

Thanks, Dad.

Thank you.

My father held onto cash
so tight,

George Washington
couldn't breathe.

Thirty-nine,

40.

According to math,
the roll was perfect.

But according to Tonya,

39 quarters looked
a lot neater than 40.

That's better.

Bam!

We're going
to the Run-DMC concert.

Dude, this is incredible.

I promise I'll pay you back,
$10 a week.

This is the best thing
anyone's ever done for me

since my mom took me back
from the foster home.

Well, we couldn't miss the
greatest concert of the year.

Where did you get the money?
Oh, my dad loaned it to me.

I'm gonna pay him back
with my scholarship money.

What scholarship?
BFD.

Never heard
of that one before.

But I'm guessing
acronyms today:

Black Funeral Directors.

Yeah, you have
a scholarship?

Yeah, I've got four:

Future Physicists,
Future Pharmacists,

Future Futurists,
and Sons of Izzo.

Who's Izzo?
It's an Italian thing,

you wouldn't understand.
Oh.

So you wanna be
a funeral director?

No, I just want
to see Run-DMC.

Duh!

My mother
was about to win an Emmy

for best exaggerated injury.

Get the pillow.

( moans )

Now,
I wish I wasn't hurt,

but I am.

So I'm gonna need you two

to pick up the slack
around here, okay?

What do we
have to do?

Not a lot.

All of this?

Now you can appreciate all the
hard work I do around here.

Ow. Ow.
Drew, go get my turtles.

Tonya, put my feet up.
You know my ankles swell.

Pass me the remote.

Move out of the way!
You're blocking the TV.

( applause on TV )

Now, that's what
I'm talking about.

Come on here, girl!

You can do it, sister.

Come on, joker.
Come on, joke--

Yes!

You should've seen her when

she watched Card Sharks.

Now that I was going
to the show,

I couldn't wait for Mr. Omar
to show me the money.

Hey, Mr. Omar,
I was just wondering

what I needed to do to finish
up my scholarship work.

Oh, I appreciate
your enthusiasm, Chris.

As you know,
death doesn't wait,

so come on in.

I'm just finishing up
my preparation

for the Death Jubilee.

Sweep that up.

Death Jubilee?

Oh, it's only
the biggest event of the year.

It's like the Auto Show.

If you drive a hearse.

Now, look, I need you
to collate these,

fold these, take both of them,

slide them into here, okay?

I need you to iron that shirt,
take the suit to the cleaners,

shine my shoes,
get me a paper on the corner.

I got a lot of more stuff
for you to do later.

Oh, the Death Jubilee is all
day tomorrow, so get your rest.

You mean get
your rest in peace.

Now, when do you think
I'll be done?

Oh, you should be done
by Tuesday.

Tuesday? But I have somewhere
to go on Monday.

Go on Tuesday.
I can't.

Tragic.
Not as tragic

as missing Run-DMC.

At the Death Jubilee,

I was beginning to realize
that the BFD

was a bunch of BS.

Hey, Omar,
the scholarship idea? Genius.

Hey, I could never afford

to come
to this convention before

'cause it cost so much
for help.

But you call
it a scholarship

and you get help
for less than half the price.

Hey, did you guys
see the women

over in the bereavement
hall?

If you thought
last year was good,

this year is ridiculous.

Oh, you think
that's ridiculous?

Did you see the girl standing
by the hearse?

Now, she's bad for business.

Who's gonna die
with her standing around.

( laughs )

MAN:
Oh, my God.

You know Mrs. Eisenberg?
She called me.

Mrs. Eisenberg,
Mrs. Eisenberg?

Yeah.
You're kidding.

MAN: I'm not kidding you.
We went out. She's a firecracker.

Almost gave me a heart attack.

I told you not to mess with her.

Well, her husband
was on bed rest for a year.

What can you expect?
I didn't expect that.

( all laughing )

Hey, tragic.

( all laughing )

Uh, Mr. Omar...

I'm done.

What do you want me
to do with this?

Oh. Right here.

You know, you might have
a future in this after all.

Back at home, my mother found
that taking it easy

was gonna be harder
than she thought.

Hey, Mom,
how do you fold this?

With your hands, dummy.

Hey, Mom, can you clean burnt
spaghetti sauce with bleach?

If you wanna die.

DREW:
Hey, Mom!

Tonya:
Mom!

DREW:
Ma!

TONYA:
Mom!

While my mother's legs
were getting stronger,

Mr. Omar's little black book
was getting fatter.

Oh,
thank you so much

for stopping by.

Now you be sure
and call me now, okay?

All right?

Hey.

Oh, did you pass out
the pamphlets?

Yeah.

Only to the pretty ones?
Yeah.

So you're supposed to be
telling me about your business?

What do you wanna know?

Well, what made you wanna

work with dead people?

There's something you need to
know about the funeral business.

It's not
about servicing the dead.

It's about comforting
the living.

Some of the living need a little
more comforting than others.

Go out to the truck, get me some
pamphlets. I'll be right back.

Toast?

Toast for dinner?

Tonya can't cook,

and it's the best
that I could do

in the condition
that I'm in.

She's using most of her energy
faking being hurt.

Ow!

Thank you.

Chris, why don't you pass
the toast around?

See? I got wheat toast
and white toast

and raisin and crust
and crustless.

No pumpernickel?

Mommy also has grape jelly,

strawberry jelly, hot sauce,

Hot sauce?
cinnamon,

Hot sauce?
honey and syrup

to dip your crust in.

Hot sauce?
Um, did you finish up

those quarters like I asked?

Yep, 10 rolls.

Good girl.

Hey, Chris, can you pass me
the hot sauce?

Hot sauce?

So, Chris, how was your day?

Did you learn anything
about the funeral business?

I learned it was heavy.

Ah, I bet it is.

You enjoying those books?

Yeah, they're great.

JULIUS:
Pass me the big piece of toast.

Oh, honey, how much longer

are you gonna be in that sling?

Until we run out of bread.

I don't know, Julius.

As soon as I'm healed
and fully recovered,

I'll let you know.

Ow.
While my mother

was milking her injury,
I was being trained.

Chris, I must say you're
really doing a great job.

Well, what do I have
to do today?

Oh, just polish
a few coffins.

A few?

How long is this gonna take?
I don't know.

Well, you think I'll be done
by tomorrow night?

I have somewhere to go
and it's really important.

Chris, there's nothing
more important

than fulfilling
your responsibilities.

That's what this scholarship
is all about: service.

So do your best.

If you get it done, tomorrow
you can do whatever you want.

Okay, well, how clean
do they have to be?

Well, I need you
to make these

look like this.

All right?

So do your best.

I'll see you later.
Lock up after you leave.

You are the best.

( blows )

By the time I finished
cleaning those coffins,

I almost needed one,

but it was worth it
because come tomorrow,

I was gonna have
the time of my life.

What time do you want to meet
and go to the Garden?

You know what? You go without me
and I'll meet you down there.

What?

I have to go by the
funeral parlor after school

to make sure there's nothing
Mr. Omar wants me to do.

I don't wanna have him think
there's any reason

for him not
to give me my money.

I don't know why you took
that scholarship anyway.

Did you have $200
for concert tickets?

No. Here.

Don't be illing, man.
I'll see you at 7:30.

All right.

For my father,

coin-cashing day was better

than Christmas morning.

Ninety-seven dollars
and fifty cents.

No, that can't be right.

I-I know I had
a hundred dollars here.

Did you count it?
No.

Well, I did,
and it's $97.50.

Well,
maybe you made a mistake.

No,
maybe you made a mistake.

Think you're the first to tried
to skim a few quarters past us?

Actually, he was
the first person to try it,

but that was a long time ago.

Back at Mr. Omar's,
it was almost quitting time

and I was three minutes away
from Run-DMC.

Hey, Greg. Yeah.

So we're still good, right?

Oh, okay.

No, all I have to do
is lock up.

I'm out of here in, like,
two minutes.

So I'll meet you at the Garden?

All right, cool.

I had finished all my dealings
with death,

and now it was time to get ill.

Excuse me.
Can you help me?

I can... but I don't want to.

Sorry.

I was just locking up,
but I'm sure Mr. Omar

could talk
to you in the morning.

Oh,
it'll only take a minute.

You see,
my husband passed

and Mr. Omar wanted me
to bring a tie

to go with the outfit,

and I just can't decide.

What do you think?
Blue or green?

Uh, green.

Oh, yeah, green.

Leonard liked green.
Okay.

Well, um,
I'm gonna give this

to Mr. Omar in the morning,
but we can leave.

Yeah.

Maybe blue would be better.

He was an executive,
you know.

Okay.

Blue it is.

No, you're right. Green.

Now, tell me,

do you think
I should get socks

to match the tie?

This will only take a minute

in old people time.

WOMAN:
Wait.

That's perfect.

You remind me of him,
you know?

He used to have that same look

you have right now.

Frustration?

You keep looking
at the clock.

Is there someplace
you supposed to be?

Yeah, I'm supposed
to be meeting a friend.

Oh, that's nice.

I don't mean to hold you up.

Then let me go.

Leonard had friends now.

Yes, there was Earl,

Louis, Zeke, Son--

Sonny. Sonny had one eye,

and he got into a fight

with Chester Jenkins.

He love watching sitcoms,

especially Sanford & Son.

He loved Sanford & Son.

( imitates Sanford ):
I'm coming, Elizabeth!

( laughing )

This man could cook.

You talk about fried chicken?

His chicken was so good,

chickens be
at the table talking.

"Whoa, this some good chicken.

Whoa, whoa, whoa."

Uh-huh. Mm-hm.

Bend it down.
Bend it down. Come on.

Ooh. Oh-- You good.

You good, but you're
not as good as Leonard.

Ow! Stop!

I was missing Run-DMC,

but my father was really
missing his quarters.

Shouldn't you be
at work, baby?

Rochelle, I think Tonya
may have stolen from me.

What?

Well,
I went to the bank

and the quarters
I had her roll up

for me came up short.

Oh, no, my daughter is not
gonna grow up to be a thief.

We're gonna get
to the bottom of this.

I still got
one good arm left.

No, no, no.

Ow. Ow, ow.

I-I-I'll talk to her.

Y-You just get some rest.

Okay.
All right.

Thank you, baby.
Okay.

My father hated to think
that Tonya had stolen again,

but he also hated
being short $2.50.

Tonya,

did you roll those quarters
like I told you to?

Yeah. Why?
Well, when I went to the bank,

every one of those rolls
was a quarter short.

What happened to the rest
of my money?

Well, I took one quarter
out of each roll.

You didn't think anybody
would notice that?

What did you do
with the money, Tonya?

Well, I was trying to save

to make you another roll.

Save for another roll?

Yeah. You didn't think I was
stealing from you, did you?

No, of course not.

Well, that's what it sounds
like to me.

No, no, that's not
what it sounds like.

I'm just saying--
Huh?

Wha--? Ye-- Look, your mother,
she needs some help.

Look, here, take that
and buy some candy

or something, okay?

No, Daddy, you keep it.

( moans )

Coming, baby! Coming!

( woman laughing )

Oh,
I'm gonna miss him.

But you know what?

He had a good life.

Yeah.

Sounds like you two
got along.

Oh, no, he was
a pain in the ass.

( laughs )

But he was my pain
in the ass.

Yeah.

Young man,
can I tell you something?

What's that?

This is the best
I've felt in days.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Come on.

I know there's someplace
you gotta be.

There was someplace
I wanted to be,

but I was right where
I needed to be.

( Run-DMC's "Peter Piper"
playing )

Hey, what happened?
Where were you?

I can't believe you missed it.

Got tied up
at the funeral home.

I told you that scholarship
thing was a bad idea.

It's all right.
I'll catch them next time.

Next time?
There won't be a next time.

It was incredible.

It was Aerosmith and Run-DMC
singing "Walk This Way."

I couldn't believe it, man.

When I saw someone in distress,
I gave comfort.

Greg had a different approach.

But my mother pretending
to have a pain in her arm

was becoming a real pain
in the neck.

( mysterious drum theme
playing )

TONYA AND DREW:
Ma!

( screams )

Okay, okay! I'm fine!

I'm up! okay?
Are you happy now?

I mean,
what does a woman have to do

to get some rest around here,
get shot?

I thought the BFD scholarship
was gonna be easy money,

but I was dead wrong.

At least I was finally
about to get paid.

Here you go. A voucher for

$250 worth of books.

Books?

Books?
Books?

Well, you didn't think you
were getting cash, did you?

Good night.

Tragic.

You owe me a hundred dollars.

� Everybody hates Chris �

( funky hip-hop theme playing )