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1
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Before we begin,
2
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I just want to ask you
to turn off your phone.
3
00:00:44,805 --> 00:00:46,527
I say that 'cause I was
at a movie recently,
4
00:00:46,528 --> 00:00:49,410
and the guy next to me answered
his phone during the movie.
5
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:52,210
And he answered it by saying-
and I quote...
6
00:00:52,211 --> 00:00:55,279
he said, "Who dis?"
7
00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:57,442
Which means, not only was he
willing to talk to someone;
8
00:00:57,443 --> 00:00:59,839
He was willing
to talk to anyone.
9
00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:01,365
He didn't care who it "das."
10
00:01:01,366 --> 00:01:02,959
Thanks.
11
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:04,883
I'm not sure what the past tense
of "dis" is,
12
00:01:04,884 --> 00:01:08,239
but he did not care
who it "das."
13
00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:11,050
I'm gonna tell you a story,
and-and it's true.
14
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,405
I always have to tell people
that because, inevitably,
15
00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:15,241
someone will come up to me,
and they'll be like,
16
00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:16,319
"Was that true?"
17
00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:17,765
And I'll be like, "Yeah."
18
00:01:17,766 --> 00:01:20,599
And they'll be like, "Was it?"
19
00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:22,011
I don't know
how to respond to that.
20
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,082
Like, I guess I could
say it louder, you know,
21
00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:25,319
like, "Yeah!"
22
00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:26,810
They'd be like,
"it's probably true.
23
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:28,086
He said it louder."
24
00:01:28,087 --> 00:01:29,079
God.
25
00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:30,359
Are you okay?
26
00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:31,639
Yes, yes.
27
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,449
It all started
when my girlfriend Abby and I
28
00:01:33,450 --> 00:01:35,719
decided to move in toether.
29
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,087
I wasn't entirely sure
it was the best idea.
30
00:01:38,088 --> 00:01:40,759
Hardwood floors, lots of room.
31
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,921
My apartment now is only
slightly bigger than my body.
32
00:01:43,922 --> 00:01:45,204
So this is better?
33
00:01:45,205 --> 00:01:46,486
Yeah, yeah, this is better.
34
00:01:46,487 --> 00:01:47,599
Good.
35
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:49,125
It's so dark in here,
so we can paint.
36
00:01:49,126 --> 00:01:50,519
Yeah. Yeah.
37
00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:52,602
Well, if you like it,
you should act quickly,
38
00:01:52,603 --> 00:01:54,559
because this will go today.
39
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,562
Well, I love it.
40
00:01:58,240 --> 00:01:59,603
Matt, do you love it?
41
00:01:59,604 --> 00:02:01,250
Do you-what do you want...
42
00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:03,641
Iwell, I mean, do you think
we should see other places,
43
00:02:03,642 --> 00:02:06,120
or are we rushing here?
44
00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:11,239
Mm, well...
45
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:12,519
Mm...
46
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,010
Mm?
47
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:17,119
Yeah.
48
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:18,519
We'll take it.
49
00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:20,090
Good. Let's fill out...
50
00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,604
I just didn't feel like
my life was on sure footing.
51
00:02:22,605 --> 00:02:23,931
You know, Abby was always
52
00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:26,159
the more focused
of the two of us.
53
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,322
Abby was teaching
these vocal workshops
54
00:02:28,323 --> 00:02:32,159
at a studio in Brooklyn,
and her students loved her.
55
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:35,639
Meanwhile, I was trying
to be a comedian,
56
00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:38,639
which was not going so well.
57
00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:41,562
When I was a kid,
I wanted to be a comedian,
58
00:02:41,563 --> 00:02:44,084
a rapper, or the owner
of a pizza restaurant
59
00:02:44,085 --> 00:02:46,319
where third graders
could hang out.
60
00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:48,844
I didn't realize that
instead of being a comedian,
61
00:02:48,845 --> 00:02:51,002
I would end up
just working at a bar
62
00:02:51,003 --> 00:02:52,799
where they have comedy.
63
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,159
Like, over time,
64
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,479
I've learned to become
more realistic about my goals.
65
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,082
Like, over time, for me,
66
00:02:58,083 --> 00:03:01,084
the dream has gone from
getting famous doing comedy
67
00:03:01,085 --> 00:03:04,679
to making a living doing comedy
68
00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:07,279
to finding $20 in the street.
69
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:08,850
I feel like that's
way more realistic...
70
00:03:08,851 --> 00:03:11,079
So it wasn't going too well.
71
00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:13,524
But I kept telling myself
that it was,
72
00:03:13,525 --> 00:03:15,998
because you-
I think, to be a comedian,
73
00:03:15,999 --> 00:03:18,126
you have to be
a little bit delusional.
74
00:03:18,127 --> 00:03:19,690
Particularly starting out,
75
00:03:19,691 --> 00:03:22,359
there's just so much failure.
76
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:25,409
And amidst that failure,
you have to tell yourself,
77
00:03:25,410 --> 00:03:27,959
"it's going quite nicely."
78
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:31,726
Because if you didn't, you would
just never get onstage again.
79
00:03:31,727 --> 00:03:35,725
You'd be like, "I guess
human beings don't like me."
80
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,880
That's a hard reality to face.
81
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,643
As a matter of fact,
there are a lot of realities
82
00:03:43,644 --> 00:03:45,961
I have a hard time facing.
83
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:51,201
But we'll get to that later.
84
00:03:58,720 --> 00:03:59,919
Hey...
85
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:01,239
Hi.
86
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:03,081
I, I packed the blue thing
87
00:04:03,082 --> 00:04:04,969
and then the pink thing
that goes under it.
88
00:04:04,970 --> 00:04:06,079
Perfect.
89
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:07,079
And I got you these.
90
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,364
They didn't have unsalted,
91
00:04:08,365 --> 00:04:10,247
so I flew to Africa
and got you those, specially.
92
00:04:10,248 --> 00:04:11,890
Thank you, Abby.
That was a great class.
93
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:13,086
Bye, Martin. Thanks.
94
00:04:13,087 --> 00:04:14,319
Thanks.
95
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,444
Listen, the class was not...
96
00:04:15,445 --> 00:04:16,930
Really? That guy seemed happy.
97
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:18,081
And could you sign that?
98
00:04:18,082 --> 00:04:19,599
That's for Janet.
99
00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,521
They have a whole section now
100
00:04:21,522 --> 00:04:23,600
for "Your Sister's
Engagement Party" cards.
101
00:04:23,601 --> 00:04:25,602
Wow. This is really specific.
102
00:04:25,603 --> 00:04:26,719
Yeah.
103
00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:28,529
I was gonna cross some stuff
out, you know...
104
00:04:28,530 --> 00:04:29,839
Yeah?
105
00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:31,171
No mention of divorce rate
or...
106
00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:32,398
Do you want me
to write that in?
107
00:04:32,399 --> 00:04:34,164
Yeah, you could write it in.
108
00:04:34,165 --> 00:04:35,959
To Janet and Philip.
109
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:39,123
Last year, my younger sister
Janet got engaged.
110
00:04:39,124 --> 00:04:40,679
That's Janet.
111
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,599
And those are my parents.
112
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,439
You know, marriage is like...
113
00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:47,247
Well, you know,
it's like this cake, you know?
114
00:04:47,248 --> 00:04:48,364
When you first bite into it,
115
00:04:48,365 --> 00:04:49,850
you can't imagine
anything better,
116
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,171
and you eat, and you eat,
117
00:04:51,172 --> 00:04:54,199
and then maybe
you've had enough cake.
118
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:57,479
My mom seems
to drive my father insane.
119
00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:59,685
She always wants to add
one more thing.
120
00:04:59,686 --> 00:05:01,362
Ooh, and one more thing.
121
00:05:01,363 --> 00:05:04,967
But it's rarely anything that
deserves to be one more thing.
122
00:05:04,968 --> 00:05:07,406
I got the cake on the internet.
123
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:10,959
You're next.
124
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,323
Yeah, just look around, man.
125
00:05:12,324 --> 00:05:14,084
All of this is-
it's coming your way, baby.
126
00:05:14,085 --> 00:05:15,159
Batter up.
127
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:16,479
She's beautiful.
128
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:17,799
Look at her.
129
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,928
She's a keeper.
130
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:24,242
Philip proposed to Janet
2 years after they met.
131
00:05:24,243 --> 00:05:25,319
It was 21/2 years.
132
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:26,365
It was almost 3.
133
00:05:26,366 --> 00:05:27,486
21/2 years after they met.
134
00:05:27,487 --> 00:05:28,559
Very sweet.
135
00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:29,999
It was so sweet.
136
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,004
And, boy, they've come
a long way since then,
137
00:05:33,005 --> 00:05:34,599
because Janet told me
138
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,600
that at the end
of their first date...
139
00:05:36,601 --> 00:05:38,441
Mom, you don't have to tell
that story.
140
00:05:38,442 --> 00:05:39,644
That's not necessary.
141
00:05:39,645 --> 00:05:42,166
Philip said,
at the end of their first date,
142
00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:43,919
"Good night, Gina."
143
00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:46,319
And her name is Janet.
144
00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:49,599
He didn't know her name, honey.
145
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,568
Linda, what are you
talking about in there?
146
00:05:51,569 --> 00:05:53,839
Frank, we're talking in here.
147
00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:55,044
You ought to join us.
148
00:05:55,045 --> 00:05:56,804
Well, I know her name now.
149
00:05:56,805 --> 00:05:58,848
I only call her "Gina" in bed.
150
00:05:58,849 --> 00:06:01,079
You can't say that.
151
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,003
Just tell me,
what are you talking about?
152
00:06:03,004 --> 00:06:06,679
Philip knows Janet's name!
153
00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:10,730
Matt, how long have
you and Abby been together?
154
00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:16,799
Eight-eight years.
155
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:17,919
Eight years.
156
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,679
I don't remember it
being so long.
157
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,569
That's silly.
That's ridiculous.
158
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,719
I used to save everything.
159
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,371
Listen to this email that
you sent me sophomore spring.
160
00:06:29,372 --> 00:06:31,199
I actually printed these.
161
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,246
That's very generous of you.
162
00:06:33,247 --> 00:06:35,242
You're very stingy with toner.
163
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,079
Aw...
164
00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,921
"Matt, my parents want me
to go to law school,
165
00:06:40,922 --> 00:06:42,204
"but I'm like, 'Whatever.
166
00:06:42,205 --> 00:06:43,770
I'm gonna move to New York
with my band."'
167
00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:45,965
Yeah, and then that band
will break up,
168
00:06:45,966 --> 00:06:47,562
and then I'll have
another band,
169
00:06:47,563 --> 00:06:48,891
and then that band
will break up,
170
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:49,927
and then I'll teach...
171
00:06:49,928 --> 00:06:50,919
My God.
172
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:52,079
Ahh.
173
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:55,479
Shh, you're gonna wake up
my parents.
174
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:57,519
"You're a keeper."
175
00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:59,839
Right.
And what does that imply?
176
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:01,604
That you're onna
rip a hook out of my mouth
177
00:07:01,605 --> 00:07:02,919
and throw me back?
178
00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:05,764
They're gonna let me live?
179
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,161
Here.
180
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:11,845
And Uncle Max is so subtle
181
00:07:11,846 --> 00:07:15,279
with that whole,
"You're next," thing.
182
00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:19,759
It's just like, these people
just have no lives, you know?
183
00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:23,367
I mean, you don't want
to get married, right?
184
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,479
Are you asking?
185
00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:35,239
No, I...
186
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,766
Then, no, I guess.
187
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:51,964
Abby, there's a jackal
in the room.
188
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:56,599
Abby, there's a jackal
in the room!
189
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:59,079
What?
190
00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:01,439
There's a jackal, right there.
191
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:02,601
There's no jackal.
192
00:08:02,602 --> 00:08:04,599
Come back to bed.
193
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,639
What's going on?
194
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,369
There, there.
195
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,479
Matthew?
196
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,119
There's a jackal.
197
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,407
That's-there's no jackal,
Matthew.
198
00:08:16,408 --> 00:08:18,679
That's the hamper.
199
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,206
Go to bed, sweetie.
200
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,131
"There's a jackal in the room,"
right, son?
201
00:08:29,132 --> 00:08:32,119
"Sweetheart, wake up.
There is no jackal.
202
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,279
Wake up."
203
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,518
I think they get it, Mom, yeah.
204
00:08:34,519 --> 00:08:35,758
And he's in this, like,
205
00:08:35,759 --> 00:08:37,726
little karate pose,
so sweet, in the corner.
206
00:08:37,727 --> 00:08:40,085
And he didn't even take karate,
though.
207
00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:41,730
Hey, Matt, you were no belt
in karate, I believe?
208
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:42,844
That's what it was.
209
00:08:42,845 --> 00:08:44,044
- How are you at kung fu?
- Pretty good.
210
00:08:44,045 --> 00:08:45,199
Dad, what are you doing?
211
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,850
How long has this sleepwalking
been going on?
212
00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:48,681
No, Dad, you're gonna get
another heart attack if...
213
00:08:48,682 --> 00:08:49,966
- Calm down.
- Hush, hush.
214
00:08:49,967 --> 00:08:51,199
He doesn't care.
215
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:52,850
You know,
I work with some physicians
216
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:55,446
over at the hospital who
specialize in sleep disorders.
217
00:08:55,447 --> 00:08:57,319
I could make a referral.
218
00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:00,999
That might be really helpful.
219
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:02,445
I don't think
it's that serious.
220
00:09:02,446 --> 00:09:05,199
You know,
it's only happened once.
221
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:06,719
Probably just a fluke.
222
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:10,279
Well, it's something
to keep an eye on.
223
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:13,887
Abby, can I count on you
to tell me if it happens again?
224
00:09:13,888 --> 00:09:14,999
Thank you.
225
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,411
This bacon is delicious, honey.
226
00:09:16,412 --> 00:09:18,243
Really greasy.
227
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:24,763
Turn right on Horse Neck Road.
228
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:31,759
You need money?
229
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:33,728
No, Dad, I have a job.
230
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,404
Why is that funny?
231
00:09:37,405 --> 00:09:39,926
Well, you need some goddamn
reality testin.
232
00:09:39,927 --> 00:09:41,439
You need a car?
233
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:43,249
No, I don't really drive.
234
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:44,279
Right.
235
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:45,279
You could have this car.
236
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:46,520
We're giving it up.
237
00:09:46,521 --> 00:09:47,559
I don't know.
238
00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:50,086
What do you think, Abby?
239
00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:00,199
Matt...
240
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,359
No, no,no, I...
241
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,522
No, take it.
242
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,124
- Thanks.
- Mmmmm.
243
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,799
Are we okay?
244
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,119
Is something wrong?
245
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:27,281
Matt, I'm not saying
246
00:10:27,282 --> 00:10:31,119
I need to get married right now
or anything.
247
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:34,124
Just-the idea that I spend
all of my time with a person
248
00:10:34,125 --> 00:10:38,879
who can't even imagine that
as a possibility is just weird.
249
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,245
I know what you mean.
250
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,159
What can I say?
251
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:45,439
She was right.
252
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:47,122
But at this point in my life,
253
00:10:47,123 --> 00:10:50,201
I mean, I was figuring out
some really basic stuff like:
254
00:10:50,202 --> 00:10:51,725
What am I gonna do
with my life,
255
00:10:51,726 --> 00:10:54,519
and where do you buy cereal?
256
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:55,839
You know?
257
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:58,159
I mean, I never thought
of marriage as a goal.
258
00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:00,001
Like, I never looked
at my parents' marriage
259
00:11:00,002 --> 00:11:02,287
or really anyone who'd been
married more than 30 years
260
00:11:02,288 --> 00:11:05,648
and thought, "I got to get me
some of that."
261
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:11,680
But Abby was the greatest person
I'd ever met in my life.
262
00:11:11,681 --> 00:11:15,839
I fell for Abby
from the moment I saw her.
263
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,045
She had this big,
beautiful smile.
264
00:11:18,046 --> 00:11:21,601
Like, it seemed like her teeth
were bigger than her head
265
00:11:21,602 --> 00:11:23,364
but in a sexy way.
266
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,527
So I built up the courage
to say...
267
00:11:27,528 --> 00:11:29,159
Hey...
268
00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:30,759
Hey...
269
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,799
I...I just wanted to say,
270
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:34,370
I really was moved
by your performance
271
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,883
just, like, on every level.
272
00:11:35,884 --> 00:11:37,086
Almost sounds creepy.
273
00:11:37,087 --> 00:11:40,159
No, I meant it
in some of the creepy ways.
274
00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:41,889
I kept running into her
on campus...
275
00:11:41,890 --> 00:11:43,119
Hey...
276
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,451
Because I was following her.
277
00:11:44,452 --> 00:11:45,959
- Matt.
- Matt. Matt.
278
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,599
Hey, Abby.
279
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:48,761
Hey, Matt, right?
280
00:11:48,762 --> 00:11:49,799
Yeah.
281
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,243
And I'd see her, and I'd say...
282
00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:53,639
Hey, are you free, like,
this weekend?
283
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,481
She'd say no,
which was hot also,
284
00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:57,162
'cause I knew she was sensible.
285
00:11:57,163 --> 00:11:59,206
No, really, we're arranging
four new sons,
286
00:11:59,207 --> 00:12:00,484
and they all need rehearsal...
287
00:12:00,485 --> 00:12:02,289
Eventually, I threw her
an off-speed pitch.
288
00:12:02,290 --> 00:12:03,399
I said...
289
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:04,811
Do you want to go
to church sometime?
290
00:12:04,812 --> 00:12:06,319
What?
291
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:08,480
Well, I haven't been to church
since I was, like, ten,
292
00:12:08,481 --> 00:12:10,321
but there's this nice chapel
here on campus,
293
00:12:10,322 --> 00:12:12,161
and I was thinking,
if the date doesn't go well,
294
00:12:12,162 --> 00:12:13,889
maybe we'll get something
out of the homily.
295
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:16,730
# Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now #
296
00:12:16,731 --> 00:12:20,399
# Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now #
297
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,839
# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh #
298
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:24,490
Abby actually
had to convince me
299
00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:26,050
to have sex for the first time.
300
00:12:26,051 --> 00:12:28,079
I think I really want to.
301
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,161
Yeah.
302
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:31,247
Get out of here!
303
00:12:31,248 --> 00:12:32,479
Sorry.
304
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,287
She decided we'd go
to a bed-and-breakfast,
305
00:12:34,288 --> 00:12:35,484
because nothing alleviates
306
00:12:35,485 --> 00:12:37,323
the fear of sex
for the first time
307
00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:39,679
like a really elaborate plan.
308
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:42,158
It was, like, a reversal
of those '80s high school movies
309
00:12:42,159 --> 00:12:45,004
where the girl is like,
"Devin, I can't."
310
00:12:45,005 --> 00:12:47,319
And Devin's like,
"But you can."
311
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:50,483
She was Devin,
and I was Molly Ringwald.
312
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,120
I think falling in love
for the first time
313
00:12:55,121 --> 00:12:57,120
is such a transcendent feeling.
314
00:12:57,121 --> 00:13:00,442
You know, it's like eating
pizza-flavored ice cream.
315
00:13:00,443 --> 00:13:04,968
Your brain can't even process
that level of joy.
316
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,131
Is there anyone else?
317
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,079
Yeah?
318
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:13,809
Yeah? Come on.
319
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,051
Whoo!
320
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:24,719
I was thinking about
Cookie Monster, you know?
321
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:28,039
And I was just thinking, like,
do you think he...
322
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:29,769
this guy has
an eating disorder?
323
00:13:29,770 --> 00:13:31,999
Like, all he eats is cookies,
324
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,319
and he doesn't even
have a throat.
325
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,448
You know, like,
he's only fooling himself.
326
00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:38,919
Um, and I was...
327
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:41,922
like, I was thinking about
stick insects, you know?
328
00:13:41,923 --> 00:13:43,251
And, like, if I were an insect...
329
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:44,763
I'm not an insect.
Like, I know that.
330
00:13:44,764 --> 00:13:46,203
But, like, if I were
an insect, like,
331
00:13:46,204 --> 00:13:47,531
I'd hate to be a stick insect
332
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:48,724
'cause all the other insects
333
00:13:48,725 --> 00:13:50,163
are always, like,
bumping into you
334
00:13:50,164 --> 00:13:51,683
'cause they don't know
you're there,
335
00:13:51,684 --> 00:13:53,203
"and you got to just be like,
'Watch it."
336
00:13:53,204 --> 00:13:55,280
And they're like,
"Yeah, you look like a stick."
337
00:13:55,281 --> 00:13:57,724
And you're just like,
"Yeah, I have eyes."
338
00:13:57,725 --> 00:14:00,564
And they're like,
"Yeah, they were closed.
339
00:14:00,565 --> 00:14:03,559
More sticks."
340
00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:05,085
That's all the jokes I have.
341
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:08,528
Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
342
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:12,359
- That was amazing.
- Yeah?
343
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,010
That was a comedian.
344
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:18,447
I really feel like
our whole lives,
345
00:14:18,448 --> 00:14:20,520
no matter how low
our self-esteem gets,
346
00:14:20,521 --> 00:14:22,522
there's some part of us
that thinks,
347
00:14:22,523 --> 00:14:26,519
"I have a secret special skill
that no one knows about."
348
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:29,719
And eventually,
we meet someone who's like,
349
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,239
"You have a secret
special skill."
350
00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:35,079
And you're like, "I know.
So do you."
351
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:38,679
Let's eat pizza-flavored
ice cream together."
352
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:40,679
And that's love.
353
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,604
It's a mountain
of pizza-flavored ice cream.
354
00:14:43,605 --> 00:14:45,443
And delusion.
355
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:53,643
You had a nice, big wedding?
356
00:14:53,644 --> 00:14:55,606
Yeah, it was really beautiful.
357
00:14:55,607 --> 00:14:56,724
You guys grow up together?
358
00:14:56,725 --> 00:14:57,844
You could say so.
359
00:14:57,845 --> 00:14:59,044
We lived in the same borough.
360
00:14:59,045 --> 00:15:00,451
Like, one train ride away.
361
00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:02,204
So Tommy's a good-looking guy,
huh?
362
00:15:02,205 --> 00:15:03,799
Well, I think so.
363
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:05,370
You think it was love
at first sight?
364
00:15:05,371 --> 00:15:06,839
Absolutely, yeah.
365
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:09,125
Tommy, what's your favorite
thing about Tammy?
366
00:15:09,126 --> 00:15:11,088
I like how Tammy's beautiful
on the outside.
367
00:15:11,089 --> 00:15:13,039
When you get to know her,
368
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:14,927
you realize she's beautiful
on the inside.
369
00:15:14,928 --> 00:15:16,922
Well, I didn't know
what Prince Charming was
370
00:15:16,923 --> 00:15:18,239
until I met Tommy.
371
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:22,165
And now I know
what Prince Charming is.
372
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,360
Honey, did you record this?
373
00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:46,719
She could just like
those shows.
374
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,085
I don't think anyone
likes those shows.
375
00:15:49,086 --> 00:15:50,127
I like those shows.
376
00:15:50,128 --> 00:15:51,959
Sorry.
377
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:52,959
I-I don't know.
378
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,121
Sorry. Could you hold this?
379
00:15:54,122 --> 00:15:55,919
Yeah.
380
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:58,762
I just don't understand
what the big deal is.
381
00:15:58,763 --> 00:16:00,410
Right, like, I-I don't know.
382
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:01,604
I just had always assumed
383
00:16:01,605 --> 00:16:03,568
that you guys would get married,
you know?
384
00:16:03,569 --> 00:16:04,759
She's amazing.
385
00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:06,250
I think that's the problem.
386
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:08,127
You know, it's like,
that's how Mom and Dad feel,
387
00:16:08,128 --> 00:16:09,802
and that's how
me and Abby's friends feel.
388
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:13,327
Like, I think everyone thinks
the best thing about my life
389
00:16:13,328 --> 00:16:16,959
is my girlfriend.
390
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:20,203
It'syou're-
you're gonna be fine.
391
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:25,599
It sounds to me like
you just need a little space.
392
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,682
Yeah.
No, you're probably right.
393
00:16:27,683 --> 00:16:31,239
You guys should take
a breather.
394
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,526
What does that even mean now?
395
00:16:32,527 --> 00:16:36,239
I mean, is it-like, she has sex
with some stranger?
396
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:37,559
Yes. Probably.
397
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:38,919
That's unbearable.
398
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:40,363
Yeah, but-no, but you would
never know about it.
399
00:16:40,364 --> 00:16:41,521
- That's worse.
- I know.
400
00:16:41,522 --> 00:16:42,759
Right?
401
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:44,965
No, do people ever take,
like, a "no sex" breather?
402
00:16:44,966 --> 00:16:46,610
Is that something
that people could do?
403
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:47,679
- No.
- Do people have that?
404
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:48,920
No, I don't think
anyone has that.
405
00:16:48,921 --> 00:16:50,763
- No? Okay.
- No.
406
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:56,879
You should-
you should talk to her.
407
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,723
Bring it up with her.
See what she says.
408
00:16:58,724 --> 00:16:59,919
Yeah.
409
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:02,879
No, I-Yeah, I'm gonna do...
410
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:04,564
Any wealthy people
with us tonight?
411
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:07,086
Any ultrarich millionaires?
412
00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:09,679
I doubt it.
413
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,965
I've actually begun
dipping a few of my own toes
414
00:17:11,966 --> 00:17:13,530
in the financial waters.
415
00:17:13,531 --> 00:17:17,519
I've discovered I can turn
$1,000 into $420
416
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:18,931
in less than a week.
417
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:22,839
I have the rest of my money
in one of these online banks.
418
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:24,044
Anyone else have money tied up
419
00:17:24,045 --> 00:17:25,371
in one of these shady
institutions?
420
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:26,600
Are you okay, Pandamiglio?
421
00:17:26,601 --> 00:17:29,279
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
422
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:32,329
Hey...
423
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:36,599
You okay?
424
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,519
Yeah. Just...
425
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:43,199
I was just talking to Janet
and-today.
426
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,639
She-she had this thought.
427
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,399
What was the thought?
428
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,050
Well...
429
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:53,250
Um, well, she was saying that...
430
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:54,571
Can I get a Jameson rocks?
431
00:17:54,572 --> 00:17:56,039
Yeah, yeah.
432
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,119
Great set.
433
00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:00,239
I-I'm a comedian as well.
434
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,719
I perform here sometimes.
435
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:03,919
Jameson...
436
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:05,719
Sure.
437
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:07,399
Anyway, it's...
438
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,528
She just had this thought
where she was just like...
439
00:18:09,529 --> 00:18:10,559
Hey, guys!
440
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:11,559
Hey!
441
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:12,559
Hello!
442
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:13,686
There's our guy.
443
00:18:13,687 --> 00:18:14,679
So adorable.
444
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:15,681
- Yeah.
- Hi, Butler.
445
00:18:15,682 --> 00:18:17,959
Nice boots.
446
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,928
Hey, can we get
a couple free drinks?
447
00:18:19,929 --> 00:18:21,119
Yes. Yeah, no.
448
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:22,690
Actually, guys, you know,
449
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,282
Matt and I were gonna have
a little talk,
450
00:18:24,283 --> 00:18:26,280
so maybe we could
just talk for a second,
451
00:18:26,281 --> 00:18:27,279
and I'll come right back.
452
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:28,439
It's no big deal, you know?
453
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,442
You guys having, like,
a talk-talk?
454
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:31,759
Like a Cosby talk?
455
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,125
No, no, no.
It's not a big deal.
456
00:18:34,126 --> 00:18:36,405
Well, is it the, "Theo getting
bad grades in school" talk
457
00:18:36,406 --> 00:18:39,131
or the "Vanessa dating for
the first time" kind of talk?
458
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:40,563
Yeah, I think it's neither.
459
00:18:40,564 --> 00:18:41,891
But we can talk later.
460
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,211
No, it's fine. We can talk now.
461
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:44,404
Just give me a second. Here.
462
00:18:44,405 --> 00:18:46,164
Yeah, totally.
No, we'll wait over there.
463
00:18:46,165 --> 00:18:48,759
- Okay.
- Bye.
464
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:50,159
Anyway, um...
465
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,525
Pandamiglio, we're still
waiting on Terrence to show up.
466
00:18:52,526 --> 00:18:54,122
- You want to do five?
- Yeah.
467
00:18:54,123 --> 00:18:55,201
I'm gonna bring you on now.
468
00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:56,399
Okay. Sure.
469
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,799
Um, we can talk later.
470
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,211
- Okay, have a good set.
- All right.
471
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,007
You may have seen this next guy
472
00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:03,729
crushing mint into your mojito.
473
00:19:03,730 --> 00:19:07,406
Please welcome
Matt Pandamiglio.
474
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,519
Thanks.
475
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:15,759
Um, I was watching TV
the other day,
476
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:18,439
and I was watching The A-Team.
477
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:21,123
And I-you know, sometimes
I feel like these guys
478
00:19:21,124 --> 00:19:22,451
aren't even trying, you know?
479
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:25,044
Like, I feel like if you're
on the run from the law,
480
00:19:25,045 --> 00:19:28,201
you might want to go easy
on the gold chains and feathers.
481
00:19:28,202 --> 00:19:31,044
Like, maybe take the red stripe
off the van.
482
00:19:31,045 --> 00:19:33,159
Just a couple ideas.
483
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:36,082
So he thought there was
a jackal in your hamper?
484
00:19:36,083 --> 00:19:38,401
No, he thought the hamper
was a jackal.
485
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:40,879
Ok.
486
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,639
It was this really...
487
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,610
it was really stressful, though,
that weekend...
488
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,965
his parents and relatives
and everything.
489
00:19:47,966 --> 00:19:50,167
Just kind of a weird time,
I guess.
490
00:19:50,168 --> 00:19:53,959
Well, you need to get you
one of these guys, huh?
491
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,689
That'll fix everything,
right, Petey?
492
00:19:55,690 --> 00:19:57,599
Yeah, sure.
493
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:58,679
Yeah?
494
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,279
No, yeah.
495
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:02,246
I don't know if I'm ready
for one of these.
496
00:20:02,247 --> 00:20:03,924
I don't know if Matt is either.
497
00:20:03,925 --> 00:20:05,199
Come on.
498
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,328
Just tell him
Butler needs buddies.
499
00:20:07,329 --> 00:20:09,119
Yeah, I could say that.
500
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,451
Butler needs some buddies.
501
00:20:10,452 --> 00:20:12,408
That-I would never say that.
502
00:20:12,409 --> 00:20:15,639
Please welcome
Terrence Bailey, everybody.
503
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:17,768
Terrence Bailey.
504
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:25,039
Hey.
505
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,239
Hey!
506
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:27,879
Yayl You were great!
507
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:29,403
Did you guys watch?...
508
00:20:29,404 --> 00:20:31,400
We heard those jokes in college,
though,
509
00:20:31,401 --> 00:20:32,890
and they were funny then.
510
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,319
Um, let me grab your empties.
511
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:37,719
Uno mas, monsieur.
512
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,319
Thank you, bartender.
513
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:40,319
Gracias.
514
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,366
"What happened after dinner?"
515
00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:43,771
"We went back to my place."
516
00:20:43,772 --> 00:20:46,559
"Yeah. Then what?"
517
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:48,439
"Started making out."
518
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:52,126
"Yeah! Then what?"
519
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:04,919
Hey, man.
520
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:08,199
I was just-I was just onstage.
521
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,119
Just did my set.
522
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:12,598
This business is insane,
psychotic.
523
00:21:12,599 --> 00:21:14,045
What's your name again? Mick?
524
00:21:14,046 --> 00:21:15,759
Matt.
525
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,730
Mack, I'm out there onstage
killin, right?
526
00:21:18,731 --> 00:21:20,119
Yeah.
527
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,280
Meanwhile, I got friends
out in Hollywood,
528
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,805
terrible comics, the worst,
529
00:21:23,806 --> 00:21:27,079
just leaking this derivative,
530
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:30,439
pandering comedic pus,
you know?
531
00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:32,439
But they're on sitcoms.
532
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:33,599
Sure.
533
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:34,645
They have infinity pools.
534
00:21:34,646 --> 00:21:36,003
They're taking flying lessons.
535
00:21:36,004 --> 00:21:38,239
I know a guy with
a Wiffle Ball stadium.
536
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:39,810
- Yeah.
- Used to work here.
537
00:21:39,811 --> 00:21:43,319
Now he's got a Wiffle Ball
stadium as a backyard.
538
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,519
It's malignant.
539
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:45,519
Yeah.
540
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:46,724
I know what you mean.
541
00:21:46,725 --> 00:21:48,210
You see that woman over there,
542
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,202
that mess with
the red roller suitcase?
543
00:21:50,203 --> 00:21:51,399
Yeah.
544
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,519
That's my agent, Colleen.
Useless.
545
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:55,599
Right.
546
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:56,838
I told her,
"Get me out of here.
547
00:21:56,839 --> 00:21:58,647
Get me on the road.
Get me some gigs out there."
548
00:21:58,648 --> 00:22:01,291
Comes back to me with six gigs
spread across five states.
549
00:22:01,292 --> 00:22:02,599
$150 a night.
550
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,359
Mmmmm.
551
00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:05,559
Pathetic.
552
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:06,719
Hey, Ian, hi.
553
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:07,879
Hey, Colleen, how are you?
554
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:09,403
Thanks a lot
for those gigs last week.
555
00:22:09,404 --> 00:22:10,445
Hey, no problem.
556
00:22:10,446 --> 00:22:11,678
Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go.
557
00:22:11,679 --> 00:22:13,123
Maybe I'll give you a buzz
tomorrow.
558
00:22:13,124 --> 00:22:14,485
All right.
That'll be nice. Okay.
559
00:22:14,486 --> 00:22:16,599
Hey, I'm Matt.
560
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:17,839
Hey, Matt.
561
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:18,839
How are you?
562
00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:19,879
Good.
563
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:20,961
I-I saw you onstage.
564
00:22:20,962 --> 00:22:22,959
Yeah. Cool. Cool.
565
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:23,999
Yeah.
566
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,204
Well, yeah, hey,
567
00:22:25,205 --> 00:22:26,882
if there's ever any, like,
small gigs or...
568
00:22:26,883 --> 00:22:29,199
or anything really kind of-
I'm around, just so you know.
569
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:31,521
Yeah, well,
how much time can you do?
570
00:22:31,522 --> 00:22:32,559
I don't know.
571
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,242
Probably, like,
15 minutes or so.
572
00:22:34,243 --> 00:22:36,127
And he's great at hosting.
573
00:22:36,128 --> 00:22:37,483
He hosts here all the time.
574
00:22:37,484 --> 00:22:39,209
And collees-
do you ever book colleges?
575
00:22:39,210 --> 00:22:40,439
A few, yeah.
576
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,202
Yeah, he's great
with college students.
577
00:22:42,203 --> 00:22:44,248
They love him.
They find him very relatable.
578
00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:46,959
Well, here, Matt.
579
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:49,159
Call me when you have...
580
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,571
when you want
to sit down and talk.
581
00:22:50,572 --> 00:22:51,719
Okay.
582
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:52,719
Great.
583
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:54,039
Yeah? See you. Bye.
584
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:56,566
Pandamiglio, we got
a situation in the bathroom.
585
00:22:56,567 --> 00:22:58,999
You're gonna need
the fuzzy mop.
586
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,719
Okay.
587
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:02,768
Thanks for helping out
with the agent stuff.
588
00:23:02,769 --> 00:23:06,924
You're just much better at
telling people what you want.
589
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:11,279
God, Butler really
is adorable, huh?
590
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,759
Which one's Butler?
591
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:13,999
Butler.
592
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,841
Butler, the-Butler the baby.
593
00:23:15,842 --> 00:23:17,681
The baby, yeah, yeah,
the little baby we saw.
594
00:23:17,682 --> 00:23:19,840
Yeah, no,
I think I blocked that out
595
00:23:19,841 --> 00:23:21,203
'cause I have
this fear of babies.
596
00:23:21,204 --> 00:23:22,611
Like, I always get worried...
597
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:24,760
like, what happens
if I'm holding the baby
598
00:23:24,761 --> 00:23:26,683
and then the baby just dies,
you know?
599
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:29,770
And then I killed the baby.
600
00:23:29,771 --> 00:23:30,759
Right.
601
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:32,123
And then-and-you know...
602
00:23:32,124 --> 00:23:33,770
Yeah, you're probably
not gonna get,
603
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,285
like, a Christmas present
after that.
604
00:23:35,286 --> 00:23:36,799
Exactly.
605
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:38,766
Then, 'cause they'd be like,
"What do we get Matt?
606
00:23:38,767 --> 00:23:40,044
Nothin. He killed the baby."
607
00:23:40,045 --> 00:23:41,927
And then if I ever want to,
like, adopt a baby,
608
00:23:41,928 --> 00:23:44,444
they'll be like,
"Have you ever killed a baby?"
609
00:23:44,445 --> 00:23:46,010
And I'd just be like,
"Kind of."
610
00:23:46,011 --> 00:23:47,047
Yeah.
611
00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:00,999
Do you think Butler
needs some buddies?
612
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,439
What?
613
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:03,759
I don't know.
614
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:07,439
I was just thinking maybe
Butler could use a buddy.
615
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:09,167
I think he's got
a lot of buddies.
616
00:24:09,168 --> 00:24:10,159
He seems like he's very...
617
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:11,239
No. He's a loser.
618
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:12,319
He doesn't have any friends.
619
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:13,604
No, he's got a million friends.
620
00:24:13,605 --> 00:24:14,963
I see him on the street
every day.
621
00:24:14,964 --> 00:24:16,084
Okay, well, someday,
622
00:24:16,085 --> 00:24:17,730
we'll probably
make him a friend,
623
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:19,290
so we may as well practice
tonight.
624
00:24:19,291 --> 00:24:22,479
You know, I've been practicing
on my own.
625
00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:23,919
What are you doing?
626
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:25,239
I-I don't know.
627
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,599
I'm just, like, um...
628
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:31,959
I'm just, like, not into this
right now, intellectually.
629
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:34,042
Intellectually?
Are you serious?
630
00:24:34,043 --> 00:24:35,799
Kind of.
631
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:37,999
Are you?
632
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:39,525
Kind of.
633
00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:46,682
I was-I was talking
to Janet today,
634
00:24:46,683 --> 00:24:49,124
and she was saying that,
last year,
635
00:24:49,125 --> 00:24:50,804
she and Philip took a breather
636
00:24:50,805 --> 00:24:54,279
and that it was, like-
it made 'em closer.
637
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,239
What?
638
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:58,322
Noit was just, like,
this thing that she said.
639
00:24:58,323 --> 00:25:01,159
I just thought
it was interesting.
640
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,686
Are you saying you think
we should do that?
641
00:25:03,687 --> 00:25:06,479
No, no, no.
I'm saying they did that.
642
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,130
Do you want to have sex
with other people?
643
00:25:08,131 --> 00:25:09,359
No.
644
00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:10,850
You want me to have sex
with other people?
645
00:25:10,851 --> 00:25:12,039
No. No.
646
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,884
I think theirs was, like,
a "no sex" breather.
647
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,283
That's ridiculous.
648
00:25:18,284 --> 00:25:19,770
If you don't want to be
with a person,
649
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:21,364
you should just break up
with 'em.
650
00:25:21,365 --> 00:25:23,124
And that's what I said.
651
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:44,039
You did it, Matt.
652
00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:45,849
Third place.
653
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:49,959
Third place? In what?
654
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,122
I didn't even know
this was a competition.
655
00:25:52,123 --> 00:25:56,279
I would have had
more preparation.
656
00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:59,439
Third place in what?
657
00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:01,283
DustBustering.
658
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:09,488
Matt, it looks like
there's been a mistake.
659
00:26:09,489 --> 00:26:12,759
You actually got first place.
660
00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:15,570
You're so beautiful.
661
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:22,005
You have to move.
662
00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:43,439
Thank you!
663
00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:45,568
0w!
664
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:52,999
Matt?
665
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:54,239
Abby ...
666
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:55,969
What happened?
667
00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:02,730
I got first place.
668
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,802
I'll go get a Band-Aid.
669
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:12,920
This is the first time
I remember thinking,
670
00:27:12,921 --> 00:27:14,490
"Well, this seems dangerous.
671
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:15,970
Maybe I should see a doctor."
672
00:27:15,971 --> 00:27:19,806
And then I thought,
"Maybe I'll eat dinner."
673
00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:23,650
And I went with dinner.
674
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:26,531
And there's one more thing.
675
00:27:26,532 --> 00:27:28,479
Elaine from my swim club
676
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:29,684
bought a rice cooker.
677
00:27:29,685 --> 00:27:30,884
Thank you, dear.
678
00:27:30,885 --> 00:27:32,482
Well, I'm just telling them
because...
679
00:27:32,483 --> 00:27:33,639
- I know.
- It's part of...
680
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:35,244
You have a-
they have a rice cooker.
681
00:27:35,245 --> 00:27:36,279
Thank you.
682
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,328
Well, we love the apartment.
683
00:27:38,329 --> 00:27:39,479
Yeah.
684
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:40,479
Yeah, yeah.
685
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:41,479
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
686
00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:42,525
You gonna fix it up?
687
00:27:42,526 --> 00:27:44,520
Um, yeah, well,
we want to paint,
688
00:27:44,521 --> 00:27:47,330
and we want to maybe get some
curtains and that kind of thing.
689
00:27:47,331 --> 00:27:48,519
Very busy...
690
00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:50,486
I think it's perfect.
I have to say.
691
00:27:50,487 --> 00:27:51,561
Linda, the dessert.
692
00:27:51,562 --> 00:27:54,799
- We're not having dessert-
- Hush.
693
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:57,610
Your mother ordered a cake
from the internet.
694
00:27:57,611 --> 00:27:59,919
Now sit.
695
00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:01,160
Need some plates.
696
00:28:01,161 --> 00:28:02,319
Wow.
697
00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:04,559
So, Matt, we...
698
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,719
We heard about
the DustBuster Olympics.
699
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:09,039
You know, it's...
700
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:11,040
Linda, can you et-
you have the book in your purse.
701
00:28:11,041 --> 00:28:12,690
Could you get the book for me,
please?
702
00:28:12,691 --> 00:28:15,959
Yeah, I picked this up for you.
703
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:17,291
The Promise of Sleep.
704
00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:18,611
Got one for myself as well.
705
00:28:18,612 --> 00:28:19,679
Thanks.
706
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:20,839
Matt, can I see?
707
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:22,363
That's great, Dr. Pandamiglio.
708
00:28:22,364 --> 00:28:23,962
That's exactly the kind of thing
we need.
709
00:28:23,963 --> 00:28:25,483
There are some
dangerous situations
710
00:28:25,484 --> 00:28:26,891
you can get yourself into.
711
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:28,642
You ought to see a specialist.
712
00:28:28,643 --> 00:28:29,880
It was very minor.
713
00:28:29,881 --> 00:28:31,359
It wasn't minor.
714
00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:32,803
Well, I put in a call
to Dr. Latham.
715
00:28:32,804 --> 00:28:34,562
He conducts these overnight
sleep studies.
716
00:28:34,563 --> 00:28:37,164
I appreciate it, Dad,
but right now I'm really busy.
717
00:28:37,165 --> 00:28:39,160
With what, folding napkins
into triangles?
718
00:28:39,161 --> 00:28:42,605
This just doesn't seem like
a dinner conversation to me.
719
00:28:42,606 --> 00:28:44,887
You know, Matthew, you say
you're gonna go see the doctor;
720
00:28:44,888 --> 00:28:46,199
You don't.
721
00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:47,486
You say you want to be
a comedian;
722
00:28:47,487 --> 00:28:48,919
You're a bartender.
723
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:51,764
I mean, pick a goddamn plan
and stick with it.
724
00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:57,999
He's kidding,
but he's not as funny as you.
725
00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:00,519
You're not that funny.
726
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:01,679
But the good news is,
727
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:03,567
this business has nothing to do
with funny.
728
00:29:03,568 --> 00:29:04,764
Some of these colleges,
729
00:29:04,765 --> 00:29:06,840
I could book
a shining, blinking light
730
00:29:06,841 --> 00:29:09,411
or some confetti
falling from the ceiling,
731
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:12,165
and most of these kids wouldn't
know the difference, really.
732
00:29:12,166 --> 00:29:13,599
Right.
733
00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:16,604
So, you know, the truth is,
Matt, that at your level,
734
00:29:16,605 --> 00:29:19,559
I don't have very much
riht now.
735
00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:21,085
But give it a year or two.
736
00:29:21,086 --> 00:29:22,359
Stay in touch.
737
00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:24,559
Yeah, I'll do any show.
738
00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:28,199
You know, I know
I'm, like, level zero.
739
00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:32,683
Well, I book a one-nighter
in Trenton on Tuesdays.
740
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:36,039
But it's mostly headliners.
741
00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:40,119
And I have this gig at a college
upstate toniht.
742
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:41,165
I was gonna book someone...
743
00:29:41,166 --> 00:29:42,446
Yeah. I mean, I could do that.
744
00:29:42,447 --> 00:29:43,679
Yeah, I know.
745
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:46,399
But, you know,
it only pays $170.
746
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:49,563
And that's probably what it
would cost you in tolls and gas.
747
00:29:49,564 --> 00:29:51,959
I mean, do you even have a car?
748
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:53,325
Yeah.
749
00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:56,039
You want it?
750
00:29:56,040 --> 00:29:57,599
Yeah.
751
00:29:57,600 --> 00:29:58,761
All right.
752
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,759
Should have told me
you had a car.
753
00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:04,159
Hey, Robbie.
754
00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:06,128
Listen, I have
this fantastic guy for you.
755
00:30:06,129 --> 00:30:07,999
Matt...
756
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:08,999
Pandamiglio.
757
00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:11,679
Panda, piglio.
758
00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:12,759
No.
759
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:13,966
Hilarious.
760
00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:20,719
Continue straight.
761
00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:22,639
Continue straight.
762
00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:25,039
Release all that tension
that's down there
763
00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:28,123
in that lower back
that we hold on to so tightly.
764
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,089
Breathe that mountain air
into your lungs.
765
00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:41,488
And then release some sound.
766
00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:46,159
Yeah.
767
00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:48,003
Let's do some gentle
lip trills.
768
00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:55,883
Hey, listen to this.
769
00:30:55,884 --> 00:30:59,202
That agent we met, Colleen,
booked me at a gig for tonight.
770
00:30:59,203 --> 00:31:00,919
It pays 170 bucks.
771
00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:01,959
Yeah?
772
00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:03,371
What is it? Where is it?
773
00:31:03,372 --> 00:31:05,839
It's at this college in Utica.
774
00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:07,479
Where are you?
775
00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:10,199
I'm on the New York State
Thruway.
776
00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:12,559
Who's driving?
777
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:13,839
Me.
778
00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:15,479
Continue straight.
779
00:31:15,480 --> 00:31:16,481
Wait, did you call Ron?
780
00:31:16,482 --> 00:31:17,839
For what?
781
00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:20,079
Aren't you supposed to be
working dinner tonight?
782
00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:21,125
I totally forgot.
783
00:31:21,126 --> 00:31:22,531
Okay, all right, I love you.
784
00:31:22,532 --> 00:31:24,124
All right, bye.
785
00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:26,159
Union Hall.
786
00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:27,559
Hey, Ron, it's Matt.
787
00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:28,766
Pandamiglio, where are you?
788
00:31:28,767 --> 00:31:30,919
I'm, -well, listen.
789
00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:33,399
I can't do my dinner shift
tonight.
790
00:31:33,400 --> 00:31:34,638
What do you mean?
791
00:31:34,639 --> 00:31:36,766
Well, I got, like, a gig,
like, a paid gig.
792
00:31:36,767 --> 00:31:37,805
You have a gig.
793
00:31:37,806 --> 00:31:39,084
It's called bartending.
794
00:31:39,085 --> 00:31:40,887
Yeah, look.
I can get someone to fill in.
795
00:31:40,888 --> 00:31:42,118
Let me just make some calls.
796
00:31:42,119 --> 00:31:43,281
You know what? Forget it.
797
00:31:43,282 --> 00:31:44,770
I'll do it myself.
798
00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:53,919
Turn left
on University Boulevard.
799
00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:56,764
Ha, You don't know
how to pronounce "boulevard."
800
00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:01,839
This is a pretty campus.
801
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:02,879
It's nice.
802
00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:04,041
Yeah, we like it.
803
00:32:04,042 --> 00:32:07,399
So we kind of forgot
we booked a comedian.
804
00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:11,079
So now we've got you
and this lip sync contest.
805
00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:12,439
Okay.
806
00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:15,282
So I guess you could host
the lip sync contest.
807
00:32:15,283 --> 00:32:17,679
You could still do your act
or whatever
808
00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:19,919
but just introduce
the contestants.
809
00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:21,363
It's a very popular event.
810
00:32:21,364 --> 00:32:22,441
That sounds great.
811
00:32:22,442 --> 00:32:24,479
Great.
812
00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:27,879
You know, this used to be
a very popular event.
813
00:32:27,880 --> 00:32:31,248
Last year, there were 19 entries
to this contest.
814
00:32:31,249 --> 00:32:34,279
And this year, there are two.
815
00:32:34,280 --> 00:32:37,170
And, you know, we don't
have to have this contest
816
00:32:37,171 --> 00:32:40,679
if you don't want to have it.
817
00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:43,519
I'm not doing it for me.
818
00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:45,329
I'm doing it for you.
819
00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:52,284
And now the big comedian,
Matt Pandapiglio.
820
00:32:58,520 --> 00:32:59,559
Hey!
821
00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:01,324
That's not really my name.
822
00:33:01,325 --> 00:33:03,639
But...
823
00:33:03,640 --> 00:33:05,449
Y'all ready to lip sync?
824
00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:10,799
I can't hear you.
825
00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:14,999
That's my lip sync joke.
826
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:16,679
Ok!
827
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:21,159
Well, please welcome our first
contestant, Hilary Garnick!
828
00:33:21,160 --> 00:33:23,959
# When I say#.
829
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:28,239
# I want it that way #.
830
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:30,479
# Well, we #.
831
00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:32,999
# Are two worlds #.
832
00:33:33,000 --> 00:33:35,439
# Apart #.
833
00:33:35,440 --> 00:33:37,879
# Can't reach to #.
834
00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:40,319
# Your heart #.
835
00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:43,119
# When you say #.
836
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:47,519
# That I want it that way #.
837
00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:48,879
# Tell me why #.
838
00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:50,530
# Ain't nothin' but a... #.
839
00:33:50,520 --> 00:33:52,520
It's so cool
that you're a comedian.
840
00:33:52,521 --> 00:33:54,361
I mean, I can't even
imagine that.
841
00:33:54,362 --> 00:33:57,011
You know, your whole job's
to tell jokes, right?
842
00:33:57,012 --> 00:33:58,879
How do you even do that?
843
00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:00,719
I don't even know.
844
00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:02,199
Here you go.
845
00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:06,879
# I want it that way #
846
00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:09,199
# Am I
847
00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:11,679
# Your fire? #
848
00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:14,279
# Your one #
849
00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:16,519
# Desire? #
850
00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:18,959
# Yes, I know #
851
00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:21,719
# It's too late #
852
00:34:21,720 --> 00:34:25,999
# But I want it that way #
853
00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:27,239
# Tell me why #
854
00:34:27,240 --> 00:34:30,239
# Ain't nothin'
but a heartache #
855
00:34:30,240 --> 00:34:32,399
# Tell me why #
856
00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:36,599
# Ain't nothin'
but a mistake #
857
00:34:36,600 --> 00:34:40,082
"David and his men
were in the Wilderness of Maon
858
00:34:40,083 --> 00:34:42,919
in the plain on the south
of Jeshimon."
859
00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:46,288
# I want it that way #
860
00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:49,199
Pizza Shack.
861
00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:51,441
Hey, do you cut your slices
into triangles or squares?
862
00:34:51,442 --> 00:34:52,439
Triangles.
863
00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:53,479
Okay, good.
864
00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:55,050
In the picture,
it looked like squares.
865
00:34:56,560 --> 00:34:58,244
# No matter the distance #
866
00:34:58,245 --> 00:35:00,719
# I want you to know #
867
00:35:00,720 --> 00:35:02,131
# That deep down inside... #
868
00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:04,009
So I guess the car
made it back to the city?
869
00:35:04,010 --> 00:35:05,519
Yeah. Yeah.
870
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:06,759
Okay.
871
00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:08,524
Well, well, have you read
any of the book yet?
872
00:35:08,525 --> 00:35:10,199
Thanks. Um, yeah.
873
00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:12,883
Well, I'm reading
this interesting section.
874
00:35:12,884 --> 00:35:16,166
It says that to avoid
these kinds of situations,
875
00:35:16,167 --> 00:35:19,130
you need to think of sleep
as a gradual power-down.
876
00:35:19,131 --> 00:35:22,639
So a few hours before bed,
turn off your phone,
877
00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:24,959
turn off the news,
the internet,
878
00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:26,679
and don't eat big meals.
879
00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:28,079
Yeah, definitely.
880
00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:31,004
Matthew, I'm gonna get you
some aromatherapy, okay?
881
00:35:31,005 --> 00:35:32,199
Damn it, Linda.
882
00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:34,119
Hang up the goddamn phone.
883
00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:37,879
Why are you yelling?
884
00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:39,767
All riht, look,
I made you an appointment
885
00:35:39,768 --> 00:35:42,045
with Dr. Latham
for a sleep study on June 20th.
886
00:35:42,046 --> 00:35:44,202
Okay, I could have
done that myself, Dad.
887
00:35:44,203 --> 00:35:46,159
I can call.
888
00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:47,205
It's okay. I made it.
889
00:35:47,206 --> 00:35:48,486
Did you write it down,
the 20th?
890
00:35:48,487 --> 00:35:49,559
Yeah.
891
00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:51,244
I don't think
you're writing it.
892
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:56,479
- I wrote it again.
- Good.
893
00:35:56,480 --> 00:35:58,207
You have a good night.
Try to get some sleep.
894
00:35:58,208 --> 00:35:59,645
All right. Thanks, Dad.
895
00:35:59,646 --> 00:36:00,839
All right, bye.
896
00:36:00,840 --> 00:36:03,519
Hey, listen to this,
from Colleen.
897
00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:05,486
"We had a fall-out at
a comedy club tomorrow night
898
00:36:05,487 --> 00:36:06,686
"in Burlington, Vermont.
899
00:36:06,687 --> 00:36:07,839
Pays 50 bucks."
900
00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:08,999
This is amazing.
901
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:10,519
Cool.
902
00:36:10,520 --> 00:36:11,851
So you'll be home Sunday, then?
903
00:36:11,852 --> 00:36:13,199
Yeah, I think so.
904
00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:16,566
And listen to this.
I get to open for Marc Mulheren.
905
00:36:16,567 --> 00:36:18,085
How far is Burlington?
906
00:36:18,086 --> 00:36:20,999
It's, um...
907
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:22,365
It's on the way.
908
00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:26,850
All right, love you.
909
00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:48,885
What do you mean by that?
910
00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:02,399
Um, would it be possible
for you
911
00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:05,529
to take me to The Comedy Factory
in Burlinton?
912
00:37:05,530 --> 00:37:06,679
No.
913
00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:09,126
I can take you to the garage
down the road.
914
00:37:09,127 --> 00:37:10,359
All right.
915
00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:12,119
Um, listen.
916
00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:15,319
I'm really late
for this gig, so, like,
917
00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:18,519
if there's anything
I can do, like...
918
00:37:18,520 --> 00:37:22,039
Well... okay.
919
00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:23,485
Is that how much it costs?
920
00:37:23,486 --> 00:37:25,039
This is fine.
921
00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:27,639
All right.
922
00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:28,801
Ok.
923
00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:35,285
One thing I should tell you
is that Colleen had asked me
924
00:37:35,286 --> 00:37:38,327
if I could perform 30 minutes
of comedy for this gig.
925
00:37:38,328 --> 00:37:40,605
Now, what I should
have said was,
926
00:37:40,606 --> 00:37:43,126
"I only have about 11 minutes
of material, tops."
927
00:37:43,127 --> 00:37:46,759
And what I did say was, "Yeah."
928
00:37:46,760 --> 00:37:51,519
So is that Band-Aid
part of the act?
929
00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:53,329
No? You're not
the head wound comic?
930
00:37:53,330 --> 00:37:54,599
It's not your tag?
931
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:56,284
You know, "I got a head wound,"
after every joke?
932
00:37:56,285 --> 00:37:57,399
Is that you?
933
00:37:57,400 --> 00:37:58,479
No, look, I got to be honest
with you.
934
00:37:58,480 --> 00:37:59,639
She wants me to do a half hour.
935
00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:01,210
I only have, like,
ten minutes of material.
936
00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:02,326
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
937
00:38:02,327 --> 00:38:04,479
Really? Wow.
938
00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:06,606
You're gonna have to fill out
that time somehow, man.
939
00:38:06,607 --> 00:38:08,282
Do some crowd work.
Talk to the audience.
940
00:38:08,283 --> 00:38:09,484
Make fun of people.
941
00:38:09,485 --> 00:38:11,323
Whenever I make fun of people,
they punch me.
942
00:38:11,324 --> 00:38:12,439
Huh.
943
00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:13,805
Matt, we're bringing you
on now.
944
00:38:26,480 --> 00:38:27,845
Don't do that onstage.
945
00:38:27,846 --> 00:38:29,439
Thanks.
946
00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:31,124
Unless it's your closer.
947
00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:34,765
I was thinking about
Cookie Monster, you know?
948
00:38:34,766 --> 00:38:38,526
And do you think this guy's got
an eating disorder, you know?
949
00:38:42,240 --> 00:38:44,242
Nice shirt, loser.
950
00:38:47,760 --> 00:38:48,839
Sorry.
951
00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:49,919
No, I like it.
952
00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:51,359
It's nice.
953
00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:53,319
Sorry.
954
00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:55,288
Anyway, I was watching
a lot of TV this week.
955
00:39:01,240 --> 00:39:03,686
Is that bit you do
about teenagers really real?
956
00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:06,687
Yeah.
957
00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:11,359
Hey, you did okay, man.
958
00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:12,879
Yeah?
959
00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:14,120
Well, I-you know.
960
00:39:14,121 --> 00:39:16,839
"Okay" is kind of a strong word
but...
961
00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:19,039
You tanked.
962
00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:20,690
I thought it was funny,
but I'm a comic.
963
00:39:20,691 --> 00:39:22,399
I'm sick, so...
964
00:39:22,400 --> 00:39:23,679
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
965
00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:26,079
Right.
966
00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:28,240
You just got to keep telling
yourself you're killing,
967
00:39:28,241 --> 00:39:29,765
and it will all
fall into place.
968
00:39:29,766 --> 00:39:31,239
You'll figure it out.
969
00:39:31,240 --> 00:39:32,287
Thanks.
970
00:39:34,520 --> 00:39:35,726
You married or...
971
00:39:35,727 --> 00:39:37,599
Um, no.
972
00:39:37,600 --> 00:39:38,799
I-well, kind of.
973
00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:40,359
I-I don't know.
974
00:39:40,360 --> 00:39:43,409
I have a girlfriend but-
it's serious, you know.
975
00:39:43,410 --> 00:39:45,719
It's just...
976
00:39:45,720 --> 00:39:47,846
You know, it's-we've been
together for a long time...
977
00:39:47,847 --> 00:39:49,330
- You all right, man?
- Yeah, yeah.
978
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:51,129
It's just, you know-
I'm just-I've decided
979
00:39:51,130 --> 00:39:54,639
I'm not gonna get married
until I'm sure
980
00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:57,291
that nothing else good
can happen in my life.
981
00:39:58,720 --> 00:40:01,639
You should say that onstage.
982
00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:02,719
Yeah.
983
00:40:02,720 --> 00:40:04,290
That wouldn't go over so well
at home.
984
00:40:04,291 --> 00:40:07,599
We're not at home.
985
00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:10,239
Are you married?
986
00:40:10,240 --> 00:40:11,571
Kind of.
987
00:40:20,640 --> 00:40:22,039
Hey, Colleen.
988
00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:24,611
Hey, listen, we got great
feedback on you last night.
989
00:40:24,612 --> 00:40:25,719
Yeah?
990
00:40:25,720 --> 00:40:27,131
Well, no, not really.
991
00:40:27,132 --> 00:40:29,759
But Marc recommended you
for a I
992
00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:31,601
in Philadelphia on the 20th.
993
00:40:31,602 --> 00:40:33,125
Yeah? He liked my act?
994
00:40:33,126 --> 00:40:34,479
Well, no. No.
995
00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:36,321
But he thought it would be...
996
00:40:36,322 --> 00:40:37,479
He thought you'd be great
997
00:40:37,480 --> 00:40:39,164
taking the bullet
for other comedians.
998
00:40:39,165 --> 00:40:41,159
That's great.
999
00:40:41,160 --> 00:40:43,599
The 20th, yeah.
1000
00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:44,679
That's great.
1001
00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:45,959
Well, cool.
1002
00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:47,610
Listen, I'll email you
the details, okay?
1003
00:40:47,611 --> 00:40:53,439
I was-I was at the zoo,
and I...
1004
00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:55,361
One of-
I was at The National Zoo,
1005
00:40:55,362 --> 00:40:56,805
and they have
the panda bear there,
1006
00:40:56,806 --> 00:41:00,759
you know, Ling-Ling,
I think, is from China.
1007
00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:02,919
And the...
1008
00:41:02,920 --> 00:41:04,445
You know, they're having
a hard time
1009
00:41:04,446 --> 00:41:07,439
getting the pandas to mate,
you know, the...
1010
00:41:07,440 --> 00:41:10,799
trying to get them
to mate with each other.
1011
00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:12,564
Next.
1012
00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:19,962
Okay.
1013
00:41:34,880 --> 00:41:39,719
I've been having some issues
in my relationship
1014
00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:42,005
with my girlfriend lately,
where, like...
1015
00:41:42,006 --> 00:41:44,604
I think she wants to get
married, you know?
1016
00:41:44,605 --> 00:41:47,001
And I've decided I shouldn't
get married until I'm sure
1017
00:41:47,002 --> 00:41:50,368
that nothing else good
can happen in my life.
1018
00:41:52,320 --> 00:41:54,798
And, you know,
my girlfriend and I worry
1019
00:41:54,799 --> 00:41:56,323
about different things.
1020
00:41:56,324 --> 00:41:58,320
You know, one day I said,
"What do you fear most?"
1021
00:41:58,321 --> 00:42:00,286
And she said, "I fear
you'll meet someone else"
1022
00:42:00,287 --> 00:42:02,007
and you'll leave me
and I'll be all alone."
1023
00:42:02,008 --> 00:42:03,604
And she said,
"What do you fear most?"
1024
00:42:03,605 --> 00:42:05,648
And I said, "Bears."
1025
00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:13,079
Thanks, man.
1026
00:42:13,080 --> 00:42:14,206
Yeah. Nice work tonight.
1027
00:42:14,207 --> 00:42:15,486
Thanks.
1028
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:19,999
$23? Is that...
1029
00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:21,966
I don't want to be a dick,
but I thought it was $50.
1030
00:42:21,967 --> 00:42:23,121
That was if we sold out.
1031
00:42:23,122 --> 00:42:25,039
31 paid, 25 comps.
1032
00:42:25,040 --> 00:42:27,325
That's $360
with a 50-50 house split.
1033
00:42:27,326 --> 00:42:29,129
I've got to pay
the headliner $150.
1034
00:42:29,130 --> 00:42:31,799
You get the rest.
1035
00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:33,766
That's still, like, 30 bucks.
1036
00:42:33,767 --> 00:42:35,569
7 bucks
for the chicken fingers.
1037
00:42:38,600 --> 00:42:40,760
I'm not paying for those
fucking chicken fingers.
1038
00:42:40,761 --> 00:42:44,128
You should be ashamed
to charge people for those.
1039
00:42:44,129 --> 00:42:45,929
All right.
1040
00:42:49,760 --> 00:42:50,921
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
1041
00:42:50,922 --> 00:42:51,919
How'd it go?
1042
00:42:51,920 --> 00:42:53,039
It was great.
1043
00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:56,439
Like, I met
all these other comics.
1044
00:42:56,440 --> 00:42:58,805
I tried out
all this new material.
1045
00:42:58,806 --> 00:43:00,323
You would have been
really proud.
1046
00:43:00,324 --> 00:43:02,209
Hey, I can't really hear you.
1047
00:43:02,210 --> 00:43:04,199
What was the new material?
1048
00:43:04,200 --> 00:43:06,239
It was just, like...
1049
00:43:06,240 --> 00:43:08,999
it was, like, a lot of stuff.
1050
00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:11,651
I'll tell you about it later,
but where are you?
1051
00:43:11,652 --> 00:43:15,399
We're-no, we're all at
this bar that Hannah found.
1052
00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:16,925
We're playing Drunkerdash.
1053
00:43:16,926 --> 00:43:18,439
What's that?
1054
00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:23,039
It'syou know, it's just
Balderdash but drunk.
1055
00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:26,044
I came up with a really good
definition for codswallop.
1056
00:43:26,045 --> 00:43:27,119
What?
1057
00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:28,439
Codswallop!
1058
00:43:28,440 --> 00:43:29,771
- What?
- See if you can get it.
1059
00:43:29,772 --> 00:43:31,119
Here.
1060
00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:33,771
A, a rock formation
found only in Iceland,
1061
00:43:33,760 --> 00:43:35,444
or, B, a sticky situation.
1062
00:43:35,445 --> 00:43:36,879
I knew it.
1063
00:43:36,880 --> 00:43:37,879
I knew that.
1064
00:43:37,880 --> 00:43:38,881
You didn't know.
1065
00:43:38,882 --> 00:43:39,879
Yes, I did.
1066
00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:41,086
You should have said it, then.
1067
00:43:41,087 --> 00:43:43,119
I was ordering fries.
1068
00:43:43,120 --> 00:43:44,879
Are you talking to me?
1069
00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:46,291
No. That's just Dave.
1070
00:43:46,280 --> 00:43:47,484
You got to meet him.
1071
00:43:47,485 --> 00:43:49,526
If you go outside
and I'll go outside,
1072
00:43:49,527 --> 00:43:51,247
then maybe we can
hear each other better.
1073
00:43:51,248 --> 00:43:52,810
Babe, I-
I really can't hear you.
1074
00:43:52,811 --> 00:43:53,919
Okay.
1075
00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:55,604
I'll talk to you later.
1076
00:43:57,760 --> 00:43:59,760
Hey, I'll have another one,
you guys.
1077
00:43:59,761 --> 00:44:02,081
The thing is, he definitely
does not have a parking...
1078
00:44:03,640 --> 00:44:07,690
I actually had a crazy gig once
where these two orthodox Jews
1079
00:44:07,680 --> 00:44:10,650
had asked me if I would perform
at, like, their art gallery.
1080
00:44:10,651 --> 00:44:12,119
Yeah.
1081
00:44:12,120 --> 00:44:13,961
They told me there were gonna
be hundreds of people there.
1082
00:44:13,962 --> 00:44:15,610
And then I go, and it's just...
1083
00:44:15,600 --> 00:44:17,407
- Is it okay?
- Yeah, yeah, go for it.
1084
00:44:17,408 --> 00:44:19,639
It's just their apartment,
and it's just them.
1085
00:44:19,640 --> 00:44:21,003
Yeah.
So it wasn't, like, a show.
1086
00:44:21,004 --> 00:44:23,319
- No.
- It was like a conversation.
1087
00:44:23,320 --> 00:44:25,764
It was more like
a quiet conversation.
1088
00:44:25,765 --> 00:44:26,998
I did this one show.
1089
00:44:26,999 --> 00:44:29,810
It was in the parking lot
of a Home Depot.
1090
00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:31,323
The only people
we're performing for
1091
00:44:31,324 --> 00:44:35,166
are, like, the migrant workers
who are just hanging out there.
1092
00:44:35,167 --> 00:44:36,879
I'm going up last,
1093
00:44:36,880 --> 00:44:39,690
and I'm watching every other
comic just eat it, just tank.
1094
00:44:39,680 --> 00:44:40,964
But I'm thinking, like,
1095
00:44:40,965 --> 00:44:42,960
I want to get some response
from these people.
1096
00:44:42,961 --> 00:44:44,849
Like, I should close strong.
1097
00:44:46,120 --> 00:44:47,919
What Spanish do I know?
1098
00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:49,331
And I'm like, "I know."
1099
00:44:49,320 --> 00:44:50,843
I'll say,
'Long live the immigrant.'
1100
00:44:50,844 --> 00:44:53,081
And I'm like, "All right,
everybody, this has been fun."
1101
00:44:53,082 --> 00:44:54,479
Viva La Migra,"
1102
00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:57,245
which is, "Long live
the immigration police."
1103
00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:03,401
Yeah, so I'm just gonna crash
with these guys tonight.
1104
00:45:03,402 --> 00:45:06,919
And I will be-yeah, I'll be
home in the morning.
1105
00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:08,439
All right.
1106
00:45:08,440 --> 00:45:11,119
All right, I love you.
1107
00:45:11,120 --> 00:45:12,279
Bye.
1108
00:45:12,280 --> 00:45:13,518
Hey, man, how you feeling?
1109
00:45:13,519 --> 00:45:14,760
I'm good.
I'm good
1110
00:45:14,761 --> 00:45:16,399
I'm just-I'm stuffed.
1111
00:45:16,400 --> 00:45:17,447
You know, that pizza and...
1112
00:45:17,448 --> 00:45:18,679
Yeah, me too.
1113
00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:19,839
It's good, though. I love it.
1114
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:21,171
- Yeah.
- Helps me sleep.
1115
00:45:21,172 --> 00:45:22,719
Yeah.
1116
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:24,402
You know how they have
those neck pillows
1117
00:45:24,403 --> 00:45:26,207
that they have on the plane
that people wear?
1118
00:45:26,208 --> 00:45:27,882
I think it'd be great
if you had one of those,
1119
00:45:27,883 --> 00:45:29,880
but it's made out of pizza,
and so you just sit there
1120
00:45:29,881 --> 00:45:31,880
and gnaw on the pizza
and then fall asleep with that.
1121
00:45:31,881 --> 00:45:33,323
Yeah, that's
a really good idea.
1122
00:45:33,324 --> 00:45:35,161
Yeah, I'm gonna try to do
something with it.
1123
00:45:35,162 --> 00:45:38,164
No, hey, by the way, I think
Lynn is diggin' you, man.
1124
00:45:38,165 --> 00:45:39,639
Lynn?
1125
00:45:39,640 --> 00:45:41,039
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1126
00:45:41,040 --> 00:45:43,086
I think you could make out
with her if you wanted to.
1127
00:45:43,087 --> 00:45:44,284
Yeah, no, I have a girlfriend.
1128
00:45:44,285 --> 00:45:45,361
- You really do?
- Yeah.
1129
00:45:47,080 --> 00:45:48,411
So all those jokes
are true or...
1130
00:45:48,412 --> 00:45:50,519
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Wow.
1131
00:45:50,520 --> 00:45:52,159
Has she heard the jokes?
1132
00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:53,919
No.
1133
00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:57,319
No, you should
probably mention it.
1134
00:45:57,320 --> 00:45:58,731
I wrote a letter to my dad.
1135
00:45:58,720 --> 00:46:00,561
I was gonna write,
"I really enjoy being here, "
1136
00:46:00,562 --> 00:46:03,801
but I accidentally wrote
"rarely" instead of "really. ".
1137
00:46:03,802 --> 00:46:04,799
And I wanted to use it.
1138
00:46:04,800 --> 00:46:06,211
I didn't want to cross it out.
1139
00:46:06,212 --> 00:46:10,999
"So I wrote, "I rarely drive
steamboats, Dad.
1140
00:46:11,000 --> 00:46:15,039
"theres a lot of shit
you don't know about me.
1141
00:46:15,040 --> 00:46:17,168
Quit trying to act like
I'm a steamboat operator".
1142
00:46:23,200 --> 00:46:25,679
Why'd you take off your glasses?
1143
00:46:25,680 --> 00:46:27,887
Just 'cause if we're really
onna do this,
1144
00:46:27,888 --> 00:46:30,799
I don't want to be able
to see you.
1145
00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:33,159
Okay.
1146
00:46:33,160 --> 00:46:35,766
I don't know if this
is such a good idea.
1147
00:46:35,767 --> 00:46:37,524
I have a girlfriend.
1148
00:46:39,160 --> 00:46:41,519
Matt...
1149
00:46:41,520 --> 00:46:44,759
This just is what it is,
you know?
1150
00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:46,799
We're here.
1151
00:46:46,800 --> 00:46:49,041
Are you really gonna
deny yourself the experience
1152
00:46:49,042 --> 00:46:52,239
of just being in the present?
1153
00:46:52,240 --> 00:46:54,083
I guess so.
1154
00:46:56,200 --> 00:46:58,851
This will make you
more comfortable.
1155
00:47:05,120 --> 00:47:07,799
What is that?
1156
00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:10,610
It's a pizza pillow.
1157
00:47:15,960 --> 00:47:17,086
It's very good.
1158
00:47:17,087 --> 00:47:19,319
Yeah, you like it?
1159
00:47:19,320 --> 00:47:21,519
Yeah. I like the sauce.
1160
00:47:21,520 --> 00:47:22,679
Yeah? Do you want more...
1161
00:47:22,680 --> 00:47:23,918
The sauce is very good, yeah.
1162
00:47:23,919 --> 00:47:25,570
Yeah, it is good sauce.
1163
00:47:25,571 --> 00:47:27,599
Do you want more sauce?
1164
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:28,840
Yeah, more sauce.
1165
00:47:28,841 --> 00:47:29,879
Okay.
1166
00:47:29,880 --> 00:47:31,006
I'll go get you more sauce.
1167
00:47:31,007 --> 00:47:33,321
Okay. Okay.
1168
00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:39,325
Whoa!
1169
00:47:41,200 --> 00:47:44,079
Hey, I love the sauce.
1170
00:47:44,080 --> 00:47:45,570
It is very good sauce.
1171
00:47:45,571 --> 00:47:47,164
Do you like the sauce?
1172
00:47:47,165 --> 00:47:49,839
It's too hot!
1173
00:47:49,840 --> 00:47:51,599
The sauce is too hot!
1174
00:47:51,600 --> 00:47:53,519
It's too hot!
1175
00:47:53,520 --> 00:47:57,730
I like the sauce,
but it's too hot!
1176
00:48:00,200 --> 00:48:01,565
Hey, what are you doing, man?
1177
00:48:01,566 --> 00:48:03,210
Are you taking a shower?
1178
00:48:05,880 --> 00:48:07,199
Yeah.
1179
00:48:07,200 --> 00:48:09,399
Sorry about that.
1180
00:48:09,400 --> 00:48:11,399
Just had a weird dream.
1181
00:48:11,400 --> 00:48:13,050
Yeah, well, you know,
you're not supposed
1182
00:48:13,040 --> 00:48:14,483
to actually act them out
like that.
1183
00:48:14,484 --> 00:48:15,718
They're like movies, you know?
1184
00:48:15,719 --> 00:48:17,484
You just sort of watch 'em.
1185
00:48:23,720 --> 00:48:25,925
Matt, I got
a run of dates for you.
1186
00:48:25,926 --> 00:48:27,443
It's gonna hurt,
but you'll make
1187
00:48:27,444 --> 00:48:29,805
about 900 bucks
for six days of shows.
1188
00:48:29,806 --> 00:48:31,086
That sounds perfect.
1189
00:48:31,087 --> 00:48:34,759
Well, it's Hartford, Canton,
Lancaster...
1190
00:48:34,760 --> 00:48:36,762
And I think that
she wants to get married.
1191
00:48:36,763 --> 00:48:41,239
And I just decided I shouldn't
get married until I'm sure
1192
00:48:41,240 --> 00:48:44,559
that nothing else good
can happen in my life.
1193
00:48:44,560 --> 00:48:46,879
You know, I mean,
I just have this fear
1194
00:48:46,880 --> 00:48:48,767
that marriage
might be like school.
1195
00:48:48,768 --> 00:48:50,760
You know how when you're
real little and you think,
1196
00:48:50,761 --> 00:48:52,922
"Maybe some day
I'll get to go to school."
1197
00:48:54,280 --> 00:48:57,319
And then you go to school,
1198
00:48:57,320 --> 00:48:59,891
and that first week,
you're just like,
1199
00:48:59,892 --> 00:49:03,959
"How much longer
do I have to go to school?"
1200
00:49:03,960 --> 00:49:06,719
And they're like,
"17 more years."
1201
00:49:06,720 --> 00:49:09,087
And you're like, "No."
1202
00:49:10,160 --> 00:49:12,159
Colleen booked me.
1203
00:49:12,160 --> 00:49:13,399
It's good, right?
1204
00:49:13,400 --> 00:49:16,839
I mean, is that-is that cool?
1205
00:49:16,840 --> 00:49:17,919
Yeah. Yeah.
1206
00:49:17,920 --> 00:49:19,285
That's gonna be great for you.
1207
00:49:19,286 --> 00:49:20,439
Great.
1208
00:49:20,440 --> 00:49:22,090
Yeah, it's good, right?
1209
00:49:22,091 --> 00:49:24,119
Do you want to come?
1210
00:49:24,120 --> 00:49:25,999
To Lancaster?
1211
00:49:26,000 --> 00:49:27,279
I'm good.
1212
00:49:27,280 --> 00:49:30,489
My parents have been together
40 years, which is...
1213
00:49:30,490 --> 00:49:32,839
Yeah, no, but it's too long.
1214
00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:36,079
I think if the people
who invented marriage
1215
00:49:36,080 --> 00:49:37,967
knew that people were gonna be
married 40 years,
1216
00:49:37,968 --> 00:49:40,438
they'd be like, "Well, this
isn't what we intended at all."
1217
00:49:40,439 --> 00:49:43,647
You know, back then,
people only lived to be 40,
1218
00:49:43,648 --> 00:49:44,878
if they were lucky.
1219
00:49:44,879 --> 00:49:46,291
They'd be so confused.
1220
00:49:46,280 --> 00:49:48,485
They'd be like, "When were
they married, as babies?"
1221
00:49:48,486 --> 00:49:51,689
I don't approve of babies
marrying one another."
1222
00:49:51,690 --> 00:49:54,639
Like, you ever think
about that?
1223
00:49:54,640 --> 00:49:56,079
Hello?
1224
00:49:56,080 --> 00:49:57,967
Hi, Matt, it's Dawn
from Dr. Latham's office.
1225
00:49:57,968 --> 00:49:59,530
You missed your sleep study.
1226
00:49:59,531 --> 00:50:01,559
Right. Sorry.
1227
00:50:01,560 --> 00:50:03,767
Okay, listen, can I call you
back in, like, two minutes?
1228
00:50:03,768 --> 00:50:05,119
Sure.
1229
00:50:05,120 --> 00:50:07,246
You ever think about that,
that maybe in the future,
1230
00:50:07,247 --> 00:50:08,683
marriage will be
the new divorce?
1231
00:50:08,684 --> 00:50:10,646
People will be like,
"Yeah, I'm pretty messed up.
1232
00:50:10,647 --> 00:50:12,527
My parents are still together."
1233
00:50:12,528 --> 00:50:15,091
And people will be like,
"Wow, sounds really hard.
1234
00:50:15,092 --> 00:50:17,279
Is it a first marriage?"
1235
00:50:17,280 --> 00:50:18,691
And they'll be like, "Yeah."
1236
00:50:18,680 --> 00:50:20,330
I always have this fear
in relationships
1237
00:50:20,320 --> 00:50:23,324
that I'm gonna love someone
and then eventually hate them.
1238
00:50:47,160 --> 00:50:48,730
Before I tell you
this part of the story,
1239
00:50:48,731 --> 00:50:52,599
I want to remind you
that you're on my side.
1240
00:50:52,600 --> 00:50:53,679
Thank you guys very much.
1241
00:50:53,680 --> 00:50:54,727
I really appreciate it.
1242
00:50:54,728 --> 00:50:55,801
Thank you.
1243
00:50:57,920 --> 00:50:59,761
I'm on the road
for about six weeks,
1244
00:50:59,762 --> 00:51:03,321
and one night, I'm backstage
at a comedy club in Ohio.
1245
00:51:05,760 --> 00:51:07,886
Hey, I'm closing out my tabs
for the night.
1246
00:51:07,887 --> 00:51:09,164
You want another drink?
1247
00:51:09,165 --> 00:51:11,081
Or another appetizer or entree?
1248
00:51:11,082 --> 00:51:12,239
Am I eating that much?
1249
00:51:12,240 --> 00:51:13,285
That's embarrassing.
1250
00:51:13,286 --> 00:51:14,484
Are you kidding?
1251
00:51:14,485 --> 00:51:16,082
You haven't even tried
our popcorn yet.
1252
00:51:16,083 --> 00:51:17,411
I'm saving room
for the popcorn.
1253
00:51:17,400 --> 00:51:19,402
I heard it's imported
from a carnival.
1254
00:51:22,480 --> 00:51:24,479
Who you writing to?
1255
00:51:24,480 --> 00:51:26,599
This is to my girlfriend.
1256
00:51:26,600 --> 00:51:27,838
You have a girlfriend.
1257
00:51:27,839 --> 00:51:29,569
Yeah, yeah, we've been
together since...
1258
00:51:29,570 --> 00:51:30,879
That's cool.
1259
00:51:30,880 --> 00:51:32,642
So tell me if you think
this is crazy.
1260
00:51:32,643 --> 00:51:35,482
My other job is at Hooters,
which is really crazy
1261
00:51:35,483 --> 00:51:38,643
because one of my boobs
is bigger than the other boob.
1262
00:51:38,644 --> 00:51:41,439
Isn't that crazy?
1263
00:51:41,440 --> 00:51:43,199
Yeah.
1264
00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:46,399
Do you want to see them?
1265
00:51:46,400 --> 00:51:47,919
Your boobs?
1266
00:51:47,920 --> 00:51:49,604
Yeah.
1267
00:51:52,120 --> 00:51:53,199
Yeah.
1268
00:51:53,200 --> 00:51:55,399
Cool.
1269
00:51:55,400 --> 00:51:57,679
I mean, not...
1270
00:51:57,680 --> 00:51:59,362
You know,
I didn't think you were...
1271
00:51:59,363 --> 00:52:00,564
I thought you were kidding.
1272
00:52:00,565 --> 00:52:02,130
I didn't know
you were actually gonna...
1273
00:52:02,120 --> 00:52:03,199
you know, I didn't know
1274
00:52:03,200 --> 00:52:04,884
you were gonna actually
do it right now.
1275
00:52:04,885 --> 00:52:06,479
You know, there's just...
1276
00:52:06,480 --> 00:52:07,639
There's people here.
1277
00:52:07,640 --> 00:52:08,799
I don't think that's a good...
1278
00:52:08,800 --> 00:52:10,325
No. Pretty much everyonds gone.
1279
00:52:10,326 --> 00:52:12,519
Well.
1280
00:52:12,520 --> 00:52:14,559
Mm.
1281
00:52:14,560 --> 00:52:17,719
I don't want to-I have-
sorry, I have-I...
1282
00:52:17,720 --> 00:52:19,479
What are you doing?
1283
00:52:19,480 --> 00:52:20,639
Sorry. I...
1284
00:52:20,640 --> 00:52:22,766
Sometimes I have
this trouble breathing.
1285
00:52:22,767 --> 00:52:25,889
I have a girlfriend, and I
probably shouldn't be here and...
1286
00:52:25,890 --> 00:52:27,959
Yeah, no, I know the drill.
1287
00:52:27,960 --> 00:52:30,999
I did not know the drill.
1288
00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:34,561
But I knew I shouldn't be there,
and so I left the situation.
1289
00:52:34,562 --> 00:52:38,199
And a few hours later,
after several drinks...
1290
00:52:38,200 --> 00:52:40,521
I reentered the situation.
1291
00:52:45,400 --> 00:52:48,768
And the next day, I drove
to my sister Janet's wedding.
1292
00:52:50,720 --> 00:52:53,039
So how was your trip?
1293
00:52:53,040 --> 00:52:54,119
It was good.
1294
00:52:54,120 --> 00:52:55,279
It was good.
1295
00:52:55,280 --> 00:52:57,203
Yeah? Did anything happen?
1296
00:52:57,204 --> 00:52:58,719
What do you mean?
1297
00:52:58,720 --> 00:52:59,799
I don't know.
1298
00:52:59,800 --> 00:53:01,527
You're just acting
kind of weird.
1299
00:53:01,528 --> 00:53:02,760
I think you're acting weird.
1300
00:53:02,761 --> 00:53:03,919
Really? How?
1301
00:53:03,920 --> 00:53:06,446
By asking me how my trip was.
1302
00:53:09,360 --> 00:53:12,842
And I felt guilt and shame.
1303
00:53:14,680 --> 00:53:19,959
But I also felt like this kind
of thing might happen again.
1304
00:53:19,960 --> 00:53:23,519
And I knew I shouldn't be
getting married.
1305
00:53:23,520 --> 00:53:25,761
And you may kiss.
1306
00:53:38,440 --> 00:53:41,762
Your mother and I did this
40 years ago.
1307
00:53:48,240 --> 00:53:52,245
At a certain point,
you got to zig or zag.
1308
00:54:00,680 --> 00:54:02,039
All right.
1309
00:54:02,040 --> 00:54:03,451
Mom, Mom, a little closer,
please.
1310
00:54:03,440 --> 00:54:05,283
Straighten up. Stop fussing.
1311
00:54:05,284 --> 00:54:06,919
And say "happy"
1312
00:54:06,920 --> 00:54:09,119
Happy.
1313
00:54:09,120 --> 00:54:10,849
All right,
just the bride's family.
1314
00:54:10,850 --> 00:54:14,811
Let's get
the bride's family only.
1315
00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:18,999
All right, uncle up a step.
1316
00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:19,999
Up two steps.
1317
00:54:20,000 --> 00:54:21,999
- Two steps.
- Aunt, down.
1318
00:54:22,000 --> 00:54:25,004
Matt, don't you want Abby
in the picture?
1319
00:54:27,640 --> 00:54:29,165
Um...
1320
00:54:31,760 --> 00:54:32,921
Of course he does.
1321
00:54:32,922 --> 00:54:34,839
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1322
00:54:34,840 --> 00:54:36,599
Of course. Yeah, yeah.
1323
00:54:36,600 --> 00:54:38,204
Come on. Come on over.
1324
00:54:38,205 --> 00:54:40,639
This is your spot, right here.
1325
00:54:40,640 --> 00:54:41,679
Okay.
1326
00:54:41,680 --> 00:54:43,199
Happy.
1327
00:54:43,200 --> 00:54:45,487
Happy.
1328
00:55:11,320 --> 00:55:12,759
I can park.
1329
00:55:12,760 --> 00:55:14,079
No, that's okay.
1330
00:55:14,080 --> 00:55:16,321
I'm gonna meet up with Hannah
anyway.
1331
00:55:16,322 --> 00:55:17,399
Now?
1332
00:55:17,400 --> 00:55:18,890
Yeah.
1333
00:55:20,480 --> 00:55:21,481
You want me to come?
1334
00:55:21,482 --> 00:55:23,164
No, I'm good.
1335
00:55:45,840 --> 00:55:47,679
Hi, this is Abby.
1336
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:48,841
And you are?
1337
00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:50,999
Hey, it's me.
1338
00:55:51,000 --> 00:55:54,519
I was just calling to see
what's up,
1339
00:55:54,520 --> 00:55:57,285
like, where you are
and everything.
1340
00:56:01,640 --> 00:56:02,719
This is Abby.
1341
00:56:02,720 --> 00:56:03,919
And you are?
1342
00:56:03,920 --> 00:56:05,119
Hey!
1343
00:56:05,120 --> 00:56:07,248
Hey.
1344
00:56:08,840 --> 00:56:10,239
And you are?
1345
00:56:10,240 --> 00:56:12,039
Me again, calling.
1346
00:56:12,040 --> 00:56:13,530
Just...
1347
00:56:30,440 --> 00:56:31,883
At 4:00 a.m., Abby walked in,
1348
00:56:31,884 --> 00:56:34,085
and she was crying,
and she was drunk.
1349
00:56:34,086 --> 00:56:36,046
And I said,
"Abby, where were you?"
1350
00:56:36,047 --> 00:56:38,484
And she said, "if we're not
gonna get married",
1351
00:56:38,485 --> 00:56:40,162
I got to figure
something else out."
1352
00:56:40,163 --> 00:56:41,319
What are you... Stop it.
1353
00:56:41,320 --> 00:56:42,810
Give me my bag, Matt.
What is the difference?
1354
00:56:42,800 --> 00:56:44,723
- You are not doing this.
- Why don't you let go?
1355
00:56:44,724 --> 00:56:47,239
I've just been so...
1356
00:56:47,240 --> 00:56:48,651
I love you, you know?
1357
00:56:48,652 --> 00:56:51,279
I just think that we...
1358
00:56:51,280 --> 00:56:53,919
I'm not...
1359
00:56:53,920 --> 00:56:56,241
We should just get married.
1360
00:56:57,880 --> 00:56:59,039
No.
1361
00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:01,325
Yeah, I'll get a ring,
and we'll get...
1362
00:57:01,326 --> 00:57:03,322
rent that cabana down by
my parents' beach house.
1363
00:57:03,323 --> 00:57:04,679
No.
1364
00:57:04,680 --> 00:57:06,603
I really think that
this is what we should do.
1365
00:57:06,604 --> 00:57:09,159
No.
1366
00:57:09,160 --> 00:57:10,399
We have to.
1367
00:57:10,400 --> 00:57:12,289
I mean, I can't imagine life
without you.
1368
00:57:14,760 --> 00:57:16,442
I think that
we should just do it.
1369
00:57:16,443 --> 00:57:17,771
I think we should just...
1370
00:57:17,772 --> 00:57:20,159
Finally she said, "When?"
1371
00:57:20,160 --> 00:57:21,924
Now, what I should have said
was,
1372
00:57:21,925 --> 00:57:24,599
"Can we talk about this
next summer?"
1373
00:57:24,600 --> 00:57:26,039
What I did say was...
1374
00:57:26,040 --> 00:57:29,044
Next summer.
1375
00:57:31,640 --> 00:57:35,326
And that's how I got engaged.
1376
00:57:40,200 --> 00:57:42,639
I know.
1377
00:57:42,640 --> 00:57:45,291
I'm in the future also.
1378
00:57:48,160 --> 00:57:50,359
# Well, we #
1379
00:57:50,360 --> 00:57:53,319
# Ain't got a barrel
of money #
1380
00:57:53,320 --> 00:57:55,605
# Maybe we're ragged and funny #
1381
00:57:55,606 --> 00:57:58,524
# But we'll travel along,
singing our song #
1382
00:57:58,525 --> 00:58:00,999
# Side by side #
1383
00:58:01,000 --> 00:58:03,651
# Don't know what's coming
tomorrow #
1384
00:58:03,640 --> 00:58:06,164
# Maybe there's trouble
and sorrow #
1385
00:58:06,165 --> 00:58:08,970
# But we'll travel the road,
sharing our load #
1386
00:58:08,971 --> 00:58:11,879
# Side by side #
1387
00:58:11,880 --> 00:58:14,479
# Through all kinds of weather #
1388
00:58:14,480 --> 00:58:17,119
# But if the sky should fall #
1389
00:58:17,120 --> 00:58:19,839
# As long as we're together #
1390
00:58:19,840 --> 00:58:21,999
# Doesn't matter at all #
1391
00:58:22,000 --> 00:58:24,241
# When they've all had
their quarrels and parted #
1392
00:58:24,242 --> 00:58:25,479
Yeah!
1393
00:58:25,480 --> 00:58:27,162
# We'll be the same
as we started #
1394
00:58:27,163 --> 00:58:30,164
# While travelin' along,
singin' our song #
1395
00:58:30,165 --> 00:58:33,004
# Side by side #
1396
00:58:38,040 --> 00:58:40,879
Matt, come back to bed.
1397
00:58:40,880 --> 00:58:42,999
We're gonna do the drill.
1398
00:58:43,000 --> 00:58:44,319
No, thank you.
1399
00:58:44,320 --> 00:58:46,163
I can't come in there anymore.
1400
00:58:50,680 --> 00:58:52,879
Matt, come back to bed.
1401
00:58:52,880 --> 00:58:55,531
No, I said, "No, thank you."
1402
00:59:02,280 --> 00:59:07,239
Matt, you got to call
the doctor today.
1403
00:59:07,240 --> 00:59:08,559
I will. I will.
1404
00:59:08,560 --> 00:59:10,039
I'm sorry.
1405
00:59:10,040 --> 00:59:12,725
I-I promise.
1406
00:59:15,400 --> 00:59:16,638
What are you doing?
1407
00:59:16,639 --> 00:59:18,642
I'm writing it on your hand.
1408
00:59:37,400 --> 00:59:42,199
The Promise of Sleep
by Dr. William C. Dement.
1409
00:59:42,200 --> 00:59:44,087
During their entire lifetime,
people...
1410
00:59:44,088 --> 00:59:47,366
My dad got me a book called
The Promise of Sleep.
1411
00:59:47,367 --> 00:59:49,725
His four basic tips
for helping you sleep,
1412
00:59:49,726 --> 00:59:51,243
they all have to do
with powering down
1413
00:59:51,244 --> 00:59:53,445
a few hours before bed,
turning off the news
1414
00:59:53,446 --> 00:59:56,922
and the internet and the phone,
and don't eat big meals,
1415
00:59:56,923 --> 00:59:58,359
which just so happen
1416
00:59:58,360 --> 01:00:01,202
to be my four favorite
activities before bed.
1417
01:00:01,203 --> 01:00:03,041
I'm completely addicted
to cable news.
1418
01:00:03,042 --> 01:00:04,483
I think it's 'cause
they hook you in
1419
01:00:04,484 --> 01:00:06,130
with the laser sound effects
1420
01:00:06,120 --> 01:00:08,359
and questions you couldn't
possibly know the answers to.
1421
01:00:08,360 --> 01:00:09,723
They'll be like, "Puh-choo!"
1422
01:00:09,724 --> 01:00:11,083
Do you know
what's in your soup?"
1423
01:00:11,084 --> 01:00:12,364
And I'm like, "My God."
1424
01:00:12,365 --> 01:00:13,930
"I guess I don't know
what's in my soup.
1425
01:00:13,920 --> 01:00:15,365
"I got to stick around.
1426
01:00:15,366 --> 01:00:18,439
"I thought maybe broth,
but I wasn't 100%.
1427
01:00:18,440 --> 01:00:20,010
"What is this,
a commercial for Toyota?
1428
01:00:20,000 --> 01:00:21,331
"All right, I'll watch this,
1429
01:00:21,320 --> 01:00:23,127
just as long as you tell me
what's in my soup."
1430
01:00:23,128 --> 01:00:25,120
And then they'll be like,
"Puh-choo, it's broth."
1431
01:00:25,121 --> 01:00:26,451
I'm like, "I knew it."
1432
01:00:26,440 --> 01:00:29,123
I knew it was broth,
but I wasn't 100%."
1433
01:00:29,124 --> 01:00:30,483
And I've been sleepwalking.
1434
01:00:30,484 --> 01:00:31,970
I walk in my sleep and...
1435
01:00:31,960 --> 01:00:33,642
Sleepwalking
is a terrifying phenomenon
1436
01:00:33,643 --> 01:00:34,971
when you think about it
1437
01:00:34,960 --> 01:00:36,562
'cause it's your body
making a decision
1438
01:00:36,563 --> 01:00:38,765
that's distinctly different
than your conscious mind.
1439
01:00:38,766 --> 01:00:39,919
Your conscious mind is like,
1440
01:00:39,920 --> 01:00:41,331
"We're gonna rest
for a few hours."
1441
01:00:41,320 --> 01:00:43,527
And your body's like,
"We're going skiing!"
1442
01:00:44,840 --> 01:00:46,567
I should see a doctor, really,
1443
01:00:46,568 --> 01:00:48,242
'cause it's gotten
pretty serious,
1444
01:00:48,243 --> 01:00:50,286
but I don't really want
to see a doctor, you know,
1445
01:00:50,287 --> 01:00:52,442
because sleep disorders,
they involve your brain.
1446
01:00:52,443 --> 01:00:56,439
And the list of fun
brain diseases is very short,
1447
01:00:56,440 --> 01:00:58,522
you know,
if you're ever surfing WebMD.
1448
01:00:58,523 --> 01:01:02,759
I got booked
at nine colleges in seven days.
1449
01:01:02,760 --> 01:01:07,599
I was performing across Ohio,
in Pennsylvania, in Delaware,
1450
01:01:07,600 --> 01:01:10,319
Washington, D.C.,
North Carolina.
1451
01:01:10,320 --> 01:01:12,127
There are 78 known
sleep disorders,
1452
01:01:12,128 --> 01:01:14,120
things that range
from sleep apnea
1453
01:01:14,121 --> 01:01:15,643
to night terrors to narcolepsy.
1454
01:01:15,644 --> 01:01:17,130
Narcolepsy is terrifying
1455
01:01:17,120 --> 01:01:18,722
'cause there are people
who fall asleep
1456
01:01:18,723 --> 01:01:20,051
at any time for any reason.
1457
01:01:20,040 --> 01:01:22,245
There are female narcoleptics
who fall asleep
1458
01:01:22,246 --> 01:01:23,683
the moment they reach orgasm.
1459
01:01:23,684 --> 01:01:26,763
I was thinking you could call
these women "men."
1460
01:01:29,280 --> 01:01:30,770
And while I went on the road,
1461
01:01:30,771 --> 01:01:33,959
Abby started preparing
for our wedding
1462
01:01:33,960 --> 01:01:35,559
for months and months,
1463
01:01:35,560 --> 01:01:37,483
working on
very specific things:
1464
01:01:37,484 --> 01:01:40,919
Locations, dresses, caterers.
1465
01:01:40,920 --> 01:01:45,159
I knew this wasn't gonna happen,
but I couldn't say it.
1466
01:01:45,160 --> 01:01:46,919
Where is he?
1467
01:01:46,920 --> 01:01:50,319
He's in Philadelphia.
1468
01:01:50,320 --> 01:01:53,359
Playing a club
called The Joke Barn.
1469
01:01:53,360 --> 01:01:55,999
You're kidding me.
The Joke Barn?
1470
01:01:56,000 --> 01:01:58,890
I don't really know
what to think anymore.
1471
01:01:58,880 --> 01:02:00,564
They're having you perform
in the center
1472
01:02:00,565 --> 01:02:02,439
of a walkathon for lupus.
1473
01:02:02,440 --> 01:02:03,851
Seven shows in a week.
1474
01:02:03,840 --> 01:02:05,251
I really appreciate it,
Colleen,
1475
01:02:05,240 --> 01:02:06,730
but right now I'm just...
1476
01:02:06,720 --> 01:02:09,119
you know, I don't think
I should be driving that far.
1477
01:02:09,120 --> 01:02:12,281
I mean, that's, like,
1,000 miles in, like, five days.
1478
01:02:12,282 --> 01:02:14,123
Well, I got a lot of guys,
Matt.
1479
01:02:14,124 --> 01:02:17,399
I'd be glad to take you off
the speed dial.
1480
01:02:17,400 --> 01:02:19,079
No, no, I can do it.
1481
01:02:19,080 --> 01:02:20,359
I can do it.
1482
01:02:20,360 --> 01:02:21,566
I just-yeah, no, it's fine.
1483
01:02:21,567 --> 01:02:22,559
It's fine.
1484
01:02:22,560 --> 01:02:23,599
Okay.
1485
01:02:23,600 --> 01:02:24,761
Thanks, Colleen.
1486
01:02:24,762 --> 01:02:26,364
Thanks.
1487
01:02:27,920 --> 01:02:29,920
Police have a suspect
in custody,
1488
01:02:29,921 --> 01:02:31,761
but they're not releasing
any information
1489
01:02:31,762 --> 01:02:33,762
until they complete
their investigation.
1490
01:02:41,600 --> 01:02:45,366
I hear you're good at taking
the bullet for other comedians.
1491
01:02:57,040 --> 01:02:58,279
Hey.
1492
01:02:58,280 --> 01:03:00,599
You okay?
1493
01:03:00,600 --> 01:03:03,079
Are you okay?
1494
01:03:03,080 --> 01:03:04,519
Yeah.
1495
01:03:04,520 --> 01:03:06,045
I'm sorry.
1496
01:03:09,560 --> 01:03:11,801
Sorry.
1497
01:03:25,960 --> 01:03:29,485
Here we have some of
the heavier cardstock options.
1498
01:03:29,486 --> 01:03:30,641
It's beautiful.
1499
01:03:30,642 --> 01:03:31,919
Beautiful.
1500
01:03:31,920 --> 01:03:33,570
And when are you
sending these out?
1501
01:03:33,571 --> 01:03:34,959
Right.
1502
01:03:34,960 --> 01:03:38,009
Well, the invitation
would go out June 15th.
1503
01:03:38,010 --> 01:03:39,159
June 15th.
1504
01:03:39,160 --> 01:03:42,479
And then the wedding
will be August 22nd.
1505
01:03:42,480 --> 01:03:44,839
I guess.
1506
01:03:44,840 --> 01:03:46,842
You guess?
1507
01:03:50,440 --> 01:03:53,039
If you're gonna get married,
dear
1508
01:03:53,040 --> 01:03:56,840
you have to be running down
the aisle.
1509
01:03:59,840 --> 01:04:01,046
Yeah, no, I know.
1510
01:04:01,047 --> 01:04:04,599
It's, a lot of decisions.
1511
01:04:04,600 --> 01:04:05,726
- I understand.
- It's fine.
1512
01:04:05,727 --> 01:04:06,759
Here.
1513
01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:08,091
This is one of my favorites.
1514
01:04:08,092 --> 01:04:10,082
You'll notice how...
1515
01:04:14,560 --> 01:04:19,248
The Promise of Sleep,
by me, Dr. William C. Dement.
1516
01:04:21,200 --> 01:04:22,850
What are you doing in my car?
1517
01:04:22,851 --> 01:04:24,919
I'm not really here.
1518
01:04:24,920 --> 01:04:27,079
You're just exhausted.
1519
01:04:27,080 --> 01:04:30,559
Is your name
actually Dr. Dement?
1520
01:04:30,560 --> 01:04:32,439
Surely is.
1521
01:04:32,440 --> 01:04:34,679
I feel like if I were
a sleep physician,
1522
01:04:34,680 --> 01:04:36,603
I'd want to go with
a more soothing name
1523
01:04:36,604 --> 01:04:38,959
like Dr. Happysleep,
1524
01:04:38,960 --> 01:04:42,359
Dr. Chamomile Tea.
1525
01:04:42,360 --> 01:04:43,691
Can we please begin?
1526
01:04:43,692 --> 01:04:44,719
Yeah. Sorry.
1527
01:04:44,720 --> 01:04:46,119
Sorry.
1528
01:04:46,120 --> 01:04:49,639
Chapter Four,
The Promise of Sleep.
1529
01:04:49,640 --> 01:04:55,039
We sleep more than 200,000 hours
during a lifetime.
1530
01:04:55,040 --> 01:04:58,079
That's the equivalent
of 8,000 days.
1531
01:04:58,080 --> 01:05:00,160
In spite of all the research,
we know very little...
1532
01:05:00,161 --> 01:05:02,320
Okay. Go ahead.
Well, is there like a...
1533
01:05:02,321 --> 01:05:04,605
Is there a chapter
on sleep disorders?
1534
01:05:04,606 --> 01:05:05,965
Let me skip ahead.
1535
01:05:05,966 --> 01:05:08,919
Chapter Nine, Sleep Disorders.
1536
01:05:08,920 --> 01:05:12,919
There's sleep walking,
sleep talking,
1537
01:05:12,920 --> 01:05:14,799
eating while you're asleep.
1538
01:05:14,800 --> 01:05:18,407
But one of the most serious
of the many sleep disorders
1539
01:05:18,408 --> 01:05:21,679
is REM Behavior Disorder.
1540
01:05:21,680 --> 01:05:23,762
People who have
REM Behavior Disorder
1541
01:05:23,763 --> 01:05:27,919
actually act out the dream
they are having.
1542
01:05:27,920 --> 01:05:30,119
In REM Behavior Disorder,
1543
01:05:30,120 --> 01:05:31,963
people are often running away
1544
01:05:31,964 --> 01:05:35,759
from some kind of demon
or wild animal.
1545
01:05:35,760 --> 01:05:39,128
In rare instances,
people with this sleep disorder
1546
01:05:39,129 --> 01:05:41,279
have actually gone so far
1547
01:05:41,280 --> 01:05:43,599
as to kill the person
they're sleeping with
1548
01:05:43,600 --> 01:05:44,965
while they're asleep.
1549
01:05:44,966 --> 01:05:46,279
Wait. What?
1550
01:05:46,280 --> 01:05:50,119
In rare instances,
people with this sleep disorder
1551
01:05:50,120 --> 01:05:52,119
have actually gone so far
1552
01:05:52,120 --> 01:05:54,407
as to kill the person
they're sleeping with...
1553
01:05:55,440 --> 01:05:57,399
While remaining asleep.
1554
01:05:57,400 --> 01:05:59,879
Almost nothing is known
about it
1555
01:05:59,880 --> 01:06:02,199
and almost nothing can be done.
1556
01:06:02,200 --> 01:06:03,439
Hi, Mom.
1557
01:06:03,440 --> 01:06:04,519
Hi, Matthew.
1558
01:06:04,520 --> 01:06:05,559
Where are you?
1559
01:06:05,560 --> 01:06:06,641
I'm, uh, in Maryland.
1560
01:06:06,642 --> 01:06:09,959
I'm staying at La Quinta Inn.
1561
01:06:09,960 --> 01:06:11,883
No, you mean La "Keen-tah."
1562
01:06:11,884 --> 01:06:14,399
No, I think it's La Quinta.
1563
01:06:14,400 --> 01:06:15,606
Welcome to La Keen-tah Inn.
1564
01:06:15,607 --> 01:06:16,639
Thanks.
1565
01:06:16,640 --> 01:06:17,999
Told you.
1566
01:06:18,000 --> 01:06:20,639
Is Abby with you
at La Quinta Inn?
1567
01:06:20,640 --> 01:06:22,959
No, she's at home.
1568
01:06:22,960 --> 01:06:24,323
I have to tell you,
1569
01:06:24,324 --> 01:06:26,243
she sent us a photo
of the dress.
1570
01:06:26,244 --> 01:06:27,401
Have you seen it?
1571
01:06:27,402 --> 01:06:29,639
No. No, I-sorry.
1572
01:06:29,640 --> 01:06:31,199
You're fine.
1573
01:06:31,200 --> 01:06:32,531
Great pool here, huh?
1574
01:06:32,532 --> 01:06:33,883
I just checked in.
1575
01:06:33,884 --> 01:06:34,925
I don't really know.
1576
01:06:34,926 --> 01:06:35,921
It's open, like, 2417.
1577
01:06:35,922 --> 01:06:36,959
Sorry. Right.
1578
01:06:36,960 --> 01:06:38,005
Waffle bar's awesome too.
1579
01:06:38,006 --> 01:06:39,411
I'm not gonna tell you
about this.
1580
01:06:39,412 --> 01:06:40,679
Okay, Mom.
1581
01:06:40,680 --> 01:06:42,079
- Right?
- Right.
1582
01:06:42,080 --> 01:06:44,242
Right, I mean-but I could
tell you, but I shouldn't.
1583
01:06:44,243 --> 01:06:45,439
No, I know.
1584
01:06:45,440 --> 01:06:47,010
On the other hand,
I just don't think
1585
01:06:47,000 --> 01:06:48,682
it would be so bad
if I just described...
1586
01:06:48,683 --> 01:06:51,363
I mean, a little description
won't really ruin the effect.
1587
01:06:51,364 --> 01:06:54,170
Okay, well, let me tell you
about the dress.
1588
01:06:54,160 --> 01:06:57,685
It's off-white and very bosomy,
which I know that you like.
1589
01:06:57,686 --> 01:06:59,840
Linda, are you telling him
about the wedding dress?
1590
01:06:59,841 --> 01:07:02,002
I'mno, just giving him
a little bit-little...
1591
01:07:02,003 --> 01:07:03,119
God damn it.
1592
01:07:03,120 --> 01:07:04,531
You're not supposed
to let the groom
1593
01:07:04,520 --> 01:07:05,883
know about the dress.
1594
01:07:05,884 --> 01:07:07,721
Well, I don't think a little
tease will hurt, really.
1595
01:07:07,722 --> 01:07:08,844
Give me the phone.
Give me the...
1596
01:07:08,845 --> 01:07:10,203
Why did you have
to bring that up to him?
1597
01:07:10,204 --> 01:07:11,643
Because I thought
he would enjoy it.
1598
01:07:11,644 --> 01:07:13,481
Hey, look, hey, Matthew,
where the hell are you, anyway?
1599
01:07:13,482 --> 01:07:14,923
Are you all right?
Things are fine.
1600
01:07:14,924 --> 01:07:17,571
Yeah, well, I just got
an E-ZPass bill for $563.
1601
01:07:17,560 --> 01:07:20,245
Are you using my goddamn car
to cruise around the country?
1602
01:07:20,246 --> 01:07:22,279
No, I'm not cruising, Dad.
1603
01:07:22,280 --> 01:07:23,518
What are you talking about?
1604
01:07:23,519 --> 01:07:25,202
I don't think
that car can take it.
1605
01:07:25,203 --> 01:07:28,488
I think you either got
to settle down or get a new car.
1606
01:07:28,489 --> 01:07:30,639
I-I got to go.
1607
01:07:30,640 --> 01:07:31,844
Matthew, one more thing.
1608
01:07:31,845 --> 01:07:33,203
I'm gonna email
the photo to you.
1609
01:07:33,204 --> 01:07:35,202
- No, I got to go, Mom.
- I sent it.
1610
01:07:35,203 --> 01:07:36,884
God damn it!
1611
01:07:59,400 --> 01:08:00,811
Isolate the coordinates.
1612
01:08:00,812 --> 01:08:01,879
Yes, sir.
1613
01:08:01,880 --> 01:08:03,118
Bearing mark 2-1 -1 -3,
1614
01:08:03,119 --> 01:08:06,044
latitude 46 degrees north
and longitude 118 west.
1615
01:08:06,045 --> 01:08:07,519
What's going on?
1616
01:08:07,520 --> 01:08:10,839
We're currently tracking
a guided missile
1617
01:08:10,840 --> 01:08:13,079
that's headed
straight for this room.
1618
01:08:13,080 --> 01:08:14,161
Just tell me this.
1619
01:08:14,162 --> 01:08:15,519
What's the plan?
1620
01:08:15,520 --> 01:08:17,761
Well, Matt, it looks like
you don't have one.
1621
01:08:17,762 --> 01:08:21,279
I think you need a little
goddamn reality testing.
1622
01:08:21,280 --> 01:08:23,079
There's one more thing.
1623
01:08:23,080 --> 01:08:28,291
The missile coordinates
are set specifically on you.
1624
01:08:35,280 --> 01:08:37,360
What's gonna happen
to these people?
1625
01:08:37,361 --> 01:08:38,850
It doesn't look good, Matt.
1626
01:08:44,720 --> 01:08:46,319
Warning.
1627
01:08:46,320 --> 01:08:47,719
12, 11...
1628
01:08:47,720 --> 01:08:48,959
Okay!
1629
01:08:48,960 --> 01:08:51,725
10, 9, 8...
1630
01:09:49,160 --> 01:09:53,319
I just saw a guy jump out
the window screaming.
1631
01:09:53,320 --> 01:09:55,209
I mean, is anybody gonna do
anything?
1632
01:09:55,210 --> 01:09:56,361
My God!
1633
01:09:59,920 --> 01:10:02,759
Hello.
1634
01:10:02,760 --> 01:10:05,279
I'm staying at the hotel.
1635
01:10:05,280 --> 01:10:09,719
I had an incident wherein
I jumped out my window,
1636
01:10:09,720 --> 01:10:11,199
and I'm bleeding,
1637
01:10:11,200 --> 01:10:14,204
and I need to go
to the hospital.
1638
01:10:16,040 --> 01:10:17,565
All right.
1639
01:10:24,280 --> 01:10:27,443
What's painful about jumping out
a second-story window
1640
01:10:27,444 --> 01:10:30,569
isn't actually
the jumping part.
1641
01:10:32,080 --> 01:10:35,243
It's when they start to pick
the glass out of your legs.
1642
01:10:39,160 --> 01:10:42,321
This glass was right near
your femoral artery.
1643
01:10:42,322 --> 01:10:44,482
If you'd have hit that,
you'd have bled to death.
1644
01:10:47,520 --> 01:10:49,919
You should be dead.
1645
01:10:49,920 --> 01:10:51,763
No, you should.
1646
01:10:53,560 --> 01:10:56,279
I zinged him...
1647
01:10:56,280 --> 01:10:59,090
Because I'm a comedian.
1648
01:11:37,280 --> 01:11:40,959
I don't think that
we should be getting married.
1649
01:11:40,960 --> 01:11:43,759
I-and I...
1650
01:11:43,760 --> 01:11:48,288
I knew I wasn't ready,
and I should've said it but...
1651
01:11:51,800 --> 01:11:54,326
I just think
I should be on my own.
1652
01:12:04,240 --> 01:12:05,924
You're right.
1653
01:12:09,640 --> 01:12:12,325
We shouldn't
be getting married.
1654
01:12:15,480 --> 01:12:17,847
How long have you
felt like that?
1655
01:12:33,760 --> 01:12:35,728
When I was getting ready
to make this film,
1656
01:12:35,729 --> 01:12:38,929
I was obsessing over
my relationship with Abby
1657
01:12:38,930 --> 01:12:41,199
and what went wrong
1658
01:12:41,200 --> 01:12:45,159
and why she stayed with me,
you know, all these years.
1659
01:12:45,160 --> 01:12:48,519
And so I went to visit her.
1660
01:12:48,520 --> 01:12:51,959
She lives upstate
with her husband and two kids.
1661
01:12:51,960 --> 01:12:54,959
And, you know,
I called in advance.
1662
01:12:54,960 --> 01:12:57,531
You know, I didn't just show up
and say, like,
1663
01:12:57,520 --> 01:12:59,363
"I'm your ex-boyfriend,
and I want answers."
1664
01:12:59,364 --> 01:13:01,159
You know?
1665
01:13:01,160 --> 01:13:03,559
I know that that's probably
not the best thing to do.
1666
01:13:03,560 --> 01:13:05,449
And so I-you know,
we're friends,
1667
01:13:05,450 --> 01:13:07,919
and so I went
and visited her and...
1668
01:13:07,920 --> 01:13:09,204
and we're having tea,
1669
01:13:09,205 --> 01:13:10,770
and, like, her kids
are running around,
1670
01:13:10,771 --> 01:13:13,719
and I said to her-I was like,
1671
01:13:13,720 --> 01:13:16,405
"Why did you stay with me
all those years
1672
01:13:16,406 --> 01:13:20,399
when you knew
that we were doomed?"
1673
01:13:20,400 --> 01:13:22,767
And she said...
1674
01:13:24,720 --> 01:13:27,405
"I didn't want to hurt you."
1675
01:13:34,240 --> 01:13:36,242
Can you believe that?
1676
01:13:39,200 --> 01:13:44,879
We almost spent the entire
rest of our lives together
1677
01:13:44,880 --> 01:13:48,566
because we didn't want
to make the other person mad.
1678
01:14:06,840 --> 01:14:09,603
I'm gonna tell you a story
tonight, and it's true.
1679
01:14:09,604 --> 01:14:12,078
And I always have to tell people
that because inevitably...
1680
01:14:12,079 --> 01:14:13,570
And I would say, "Abby!"
1681
01:14:13,571 --> 01:14:17,079
There's a jackal in the room!"
1682
01:14:17,080 --> 01:14:19,759
We went to my sister Janet's
wedding.
1683
01:14:19,760 --> 01:14:21,965
Now, if you're ever
in a relationship
1684
01:14:21,966 --> 01:14:24,531
that seems to be moving
towards marriage
1685
01:14:24,532 --> 01:14:29,399
and you're not ready for it
to go in that direction,
1686
01:14:29,400 --> 01:14:33,879
don't go
to my sister Janet's wedding.
1687
01:14:33,880 --> 01:14:36,963
As my anxiety about
my relationship got worse,
1688
01:14:36,964 --> 01:14:38,799
my sleepwalking got worse.
1689
01:14:38,800 --> 01:14:40,559
The window was closed,
1690
01:14:40,560 --> 01:14:45,359
so I jumped through a window
like The Hulk.
1691
01:14:45,360 --> 01:14:48,204
I did what I should have done
in the first place
1692
01:14:48,205 --> 01:14:49,879
when I saw the jackal,
1693
01:14:49,880 --> 01:14:53,199
when I was in
the DustBuster Olympics.
1694
01:14:53,200 --> 01:14:56,010
I went to a doctor who
specializes in sleep disorders.
1695
01:14:56,000 --> 01:14:58,480
I was diagnosed
with REM Behavior Disorder.
1696
01:14:58,481 --> 01:15:01,079
And so now when I go to bed
at night,
1697
01:15:01,080 --> 01:15:03,039
I turn off the news,
1698
01:15:03,040 --> 01:15:06,199
the phone, and the internet.
1699
01:15:06,200 --> 01:15:07,559
I take medication,
1700
01:15:07,560 --> 01:15:12,885
and I sleep in a sleeping bag
up to my neck.
1701
01:15:13,920 --> 01:15:17,599
And I wear mittens...
1702
01:15:17,600 --> 01:15:21,679
So I can't open
the sleeping bag.
1703
01:15:21,680 --> 01:15:26,527
Please welcome to the stage,
Matt Pandamiglio.
1704
01:15:29,600 --> 01:15:31,250
A lot of times,
people will come up to me,
1705
01:15:31,251 --> 01:15:35,879
and they ask me, you know,
like, "Are you cured?"
1706
01:15:35,880 --> 01:15:37,759
And I say, "No."
1707
01:15:37,760 --> 01:15:40,570
But I think that's okay.
1708
01:16:03,440 --> 01:16:07,279
# I've been waiting
for a sign #
1709
01:16:07,280 --> 01:16:10,319
# I've been waiting
for a sin #
1710
01:16:10,320 --> 01:16:12,519
# To tell me where #
1711
01:16:12,520 --> 01:16:14,319
# Tell me where #
1712
01:16:14,320 --> 01:16:18,639
# I belong #
1713
01:16:18,640 --> 01:16:22,439
# And you've been waiting
for the niht #
1714
01:16:22,440 --> 01:16:25,599
# You've been waiting
for the night #
1715
01:16:25,600 --> 01:16:27,719
# To take you far #
1716
01:16:27,720 --> 01:16:33,839
# Take you far away from me #
1717
01:16:33,840 --> 01:16:39,799
# Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now #
1718
01:16:39,800 --> 01:16:41,679
# Who, who, who, who #
1719
01:16:41,680 --> 01:16:47,439
# Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now #
1720
01:16:47,440 --> 01:16:49,559
# Who, who, who, who #
1721
01:16:56,880 --> 01:17:03,679
# I've been waiting
for a sin #
1722
01:17:03,680 --> 01:17:05,839
# To tell me where #
1723
01:17:05,840 --> 01:17:07,479
# Tell me where #
1724
01:17:07,480 --> 01:17:09,926
# Where I belong #
1725
01:17:11,520 --> 01:17:15,799
J" And you've been waiting
for the night #
1726
01:17:15,800 --> 01:17:18,879
# You've been waiting
for the night #
1727
01:17:18,880 --> 01:17:20,999
# To take you far #
1728
01:17:21,000 --> 01:17:25,449
# Take you far away
from here #
1729
01:17:27,440 --> 01:17:32,839
# Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now #
1730
01:17:32,840 --> 01:17:35,039
# Who, who, who, who #
1731
01:17:35,040 --> 01:17:40,359
# Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now #
1732
01:17:40,360 --> 01:17:43,479
# Who, who, who, who #
1733
01:17:43,480 --> 01:17:49,169
# And as I'm waiting
on your doorstep now #
1734
01:17:51,320 --> 01:17:55,325
# I notice patterns
in the paint #
1735
01:17:58,840 --> 01:18:02,159
# I'm wondering how
the glass will hit #
1736
01:18:02,160 --> 01:18:04,606
# When I #
1737
01:18:06,520 --> 01:18:11,287
# As I turn and go in shame #
1738
01:18:13,040 --> 01:18:18,040
# Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now #
1739
01:18:54,640 --> 01:18:56,608
# There's a spot
on your body #
1740
01:18:56,609 --> 01:18:59,199
# And it caused all the boys #
1741
01:18:59,200 --> 01:19:02,599
# Follow your eyes
and get lost #
1742
01:19:07,280 --> 01:19:09,246
# You'll swear
to your family #
1743
01:19:09,247 --> 01:19:10,446
# Family and friends #
1744
01:19:10,447 --> 01:19:13,559
# Why, it was just yesterday #
1745
01:19:13,560 --> 01:19:15,447
# Just swear to your family #
1746
01:19:15,448 --> 01:19:16,771
# Family and friends #
1747
01:19:16,772 --> 01:19:20,079
# Why, it was just yesterday #
1748
01:19:23,240 --> 01:19:25,999
# If every man's
a photographer #
1749
01:19:26,000 --> 01:19:29,319
# Then smile
and hold up your head #
1750
01:19:29,320 --> 01:19:32,051
# Give him one of your
long batty looks #
1751
01:19:32,052 --> 01:19:35,559
# Before he climb on
into your bed #
1752
01:19:41,400 --> 01:19:43,287
# And you'll swear
to your family #
1753
01:19:43,288 --> 01:19:44,486
# Family and friends #
1754
01:19:44,487 --> 01:19:47,559
# Why, it was just yesterday #
1755
01:19:47,560 --> 01:19:49,287
# Just swear to your family #
1756
01:19:49,288 --> 01:19:50,520
# Family and friends #
1757
01:19:50,521 --> 01:19:53,639
# Why, it was just yesterday #
1758
01:19:57,280 --> 01:19:59,999
# Mmm, mm-mm, mmm #
1759
01:20:00,000 --> 01:20:03,119
# Mmm, mm-mm, mmm #
122442
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