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Matthew!
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Hey!!!
3
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Where are you?
4
00:00:57,682 --> 00:00:59,600
Matthew!!
5
00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:03,479
Stupid.
6
00:01:10,945 --> 00:01:13,989
Matthew! Are you gonna
fuck me or what?
7
00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:15,282
On it.
On it like a bonnet.
8
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On it like a bonnet -
alright, fight club,
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00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:19,369
what the hell is going on here?
- I'm a guest!
10
00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:21,413
Unless someone signed
you into the building,
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you are not a guest.
Alright? Please.
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00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:26,293
- Man, I miss my friend.
- Don't take that tack with me.
13
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My friend lives here.
14
00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:28,378
Please don't put me
in this position.
15
00:01:28,379 --> 00:01:29,171
Why are you doing this?
16
00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:31,298
I'm going to have to
call the campus police.
17
00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:34,134
Jordan, she's my guest.
- She's your guest?
18
00:01:34,135 --> 00:01:38,180
- Yes. She's-- Hey Stephanie!
- Yeah.
19
00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,641
Yeah. Stephanie. Thank you.
20
00:01:41,017 --> 00:01:43,185
Stephanie... Sanders.
21
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,728
- Stephanie Sanders.
Right here.
22
00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:45,479
Just take care of her, okay?
23
00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,564
Oh yeah, I got this.
This is all taken care of.
24
00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:48,732
You don't have to
worry about that.
25
00:01:48,733 --> 00:01:50,484
- Thank you.
- Thanks, man.
26
00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,027
- Thank you.
- Sorry.
27
00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:53,987
- Oh, rock-and-roll.
- What?
28
00:01:53,988 --> 00:01:57,324
- I said Rock and roll.
- Oh...
29
00:01:57,325 --> 00:02:00,452
Alright, this is us.
30
00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:03,872
Us... You're funny.
31
00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:10,003
Nice porn.
32
00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,131
Yeah. Ha.
33
00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:14,424
Nice panties.
34
00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:16,468
Who are you?
35
00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:17,427
I'm Jake.
36
00:02:17,428 --> 00:02:18,095
Lainey.
37
00:02:18,096 --> 00:02:20,806
That's a nickname they
give people named Elaine.
38
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:23,851
Elaine's a great name.
It's like Elaaaine!
39
00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:24,309
Elaaaine!
40
00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:26,854
Hey, if you ever even
mention The Graduate again,
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00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:29,189
I will slit your throat.
42
00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:33,026
Okay, Lainey.
Glad we got that cleared up.
43
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:36,655
Welcome to my Thursday night.
44
00:02:36,781 --> 00:02:37,948
You ehm...
45
00:02:37,949 --> 00:02:41,577
You wanna watch porn
and smoke drugs?
46
00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:44,955
This sucks.
47
00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:46,498
You know what I was
gonna do tonight?
48
00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:49,251
Judging from your outfit
I'd say scale a mountain?
49
00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:49,835
Lose my virginity.
50
00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:52,087
Hold on a second... You were
going to lose your virginity to
51
00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:55,382
Matthew Sobvechik in 11B
at Ween Dormitory?
52
00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:57,509
He's the TA in my
pre-med bio class.
53
00:02:57,510 --> 00:03:00,721
I'm deliberately failing to
get work sessions with him.
54
00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:03,724
We fool around after he teaches
me things I already know.
55
00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:06,518
Jesus... How Matthew Sobvechik
managed to bag such a
56
00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:09,855
delightfully unhinged hottie,
by being the most boring
57
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:14,985
fucking guy on this
entire floor is beyond me.
58
00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:16,987
Well, I'm in love with him.
59
00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:19,865
Come on, there's no way
you love Matthew Sobvechik,
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00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,575
the Pontiac Aztec of people.
61
00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:24,453
Lainey, you having sex with
Matthew Sobvechik is basically
62
00:03:24,454 --> 00:03:28,123
the same thing as me telling
an Aborigine in the Australian
63
00:03:28,124 --> 00:03:30,417
outback that he's about to
listen to the Beatles for the
64
00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,711
first time - and then
I play Blues Traveler.
65
00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:35,047
That's a cruel joke for I will
have just tricked him into
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00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:39,092
thinking Blues Traveler is the
greatest band of all time.
67
00:03:39,093 --> 00:03:43,639
Okay, now if you were to sleep
with Matthew Sobvechik you will
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00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,642
be addicted to mediocrity
for the rest of your life.
69
00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:50,437
And that barely covered vagina
of yours deserves better than
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00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:52,940
that. It doesn't
deserve John Popper,
71
00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:56,693
it deserves John Lennon. Okay?
You understand me?
72
00:03:56,694 --> 00:04:01,698
I'm talking about, like,
the White Album. Not Hook.
73
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,826
Tell me what sex is like?
74
00:04:04,827 --> 00:04:07,663
- Oh my god, you have
got a one track mind.
75
00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,331
- Fuck you.
Enlighten me.
76
00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:12,000
You want me to tell you
what sex is like, huh?
77
00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:14,962
- Tell me.
- Okay.
78
00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:17,047
You better be ready.
79
00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:19,841
- You ready?
- Yes.
80
00:04:19,842 --> 00:04:21,510
Sex is like...
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00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:24,012
kissing with your entire body.
82
00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:28,016
Very sensual experience.
It's like shooting heroin
83
00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:32,354
in a controlled yet
moist environment. You know?
84
00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:35,399
You know what it's like - it's
like Times Square at night.
85
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:40,028
I mean just the right
tinge of danger.
86
00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:48,328
Oh my god.
87
00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:50,205
What?
88
00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:53,292
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
89
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:55,752
So I haven't technically...
90
00:04:55,753 --> 00:04:58,964
- actually...
really done it yet...
91
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,174
Why are you laughing at me?
That's not--
92
00:05:01,175 --> 00:05:02,342
But you're so old!
93
00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:05,387
Fuck you!
I didn't call you an old virgin!
94
00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:08,473
I'm shocked.
I'm shocked. You're so cute.
95
00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:12,227
Why are you giving
me shit? You can't get the
96
00:05:12,228 --> 00:05:15,564
most boring dude in
our dorm to sleep with you.
97
00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:20,485
You know, that's ridiculous.
You're the one who should be--
98
00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:27,284
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
99
00:05:27,618 --> 00:05:30,287
I didn't mean to upset I was
just joking around with you.
100
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:33,498
I thought we were joking around.
So I was joking.
101
00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:40,881
This was all very romantic and
then you just fucked it up.
102
00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:45,927
It was?
103
00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:17,709
I'm so sweaty all of a sudden.
104
00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:24,132
You're incredible.
105
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:27,594
You're gonna drive some
guy crazy some day.
106
00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:54,371
Hey!
107
00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:57,541
Hey, Hannah!
Hannah!
108
00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:19,855
Hannah!
109
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:20,856
Leave me alone!
110
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:23,650
- Come on, I can do this all
the way to Brooklyn--
111
00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:25,694
Whoa easy.
Easy... Easy...
112
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:28,780
Hey, did you see me take out
that cab? Sydney Bristow style!
113
00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:31,032
Thank god you stopped.
Okay? Please. Please
114
00:07:31,033 --> 00:07:33,034
- You're disgusting!
- Okay, maybe you're right.
115
00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:35,996
You might be right.
- How could you fuck her, Jake?
116
00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:37,956
I- Look-
Oww!!
117
00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:40,375
- How could you even kiss
me after you fucked her!
118
00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:41,877
What are we doing in the
middle of the street?
119
00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:46,131
- Because I hope we fucking die!
- Please, come on.
120
00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:48,592
Let's get off the street, okay?
121
00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:50,886
Okay, look, look, look, look,
look. Hey, hey, hey...
122
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:54,848
I appreciate your anger,
I really do, okay.
123
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:57,976
And Lord knows I could use
the exercise, but I do believe
124
00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:00,979
there are exactly three points
we should discuss. Okay?
125
00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:03,648
First off, in our initial
conversations about exclusivity,
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00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:07,569
I distinctly recall you saying
something about staying casual.
127
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:08,403
Yeah?
- I only said that--
128
00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:10,697
Most likely because you
thought that was what I wanted
129
00:08:10,698 --> 00:08:11,406
to hear. Yes?
- Yes!
130
00:08:11,407 --> 00:08:14,201
- Okay. Well... Me taking you
at your word doesn't make me
131
00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:16,786
an asshole. It does
however make you a liar.
132
00:08:16,787 --> 00:08:21,291
You're such a piece of sh--
- Hey second second point. Okay?
133
00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:23,668
If you really, actually
wanted monogamy,
134
00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:26,588
why have casual sex with
me for three months?
135
00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,507
I mean, if you want
to grow flowers,
136
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,801
you don't plant them in a
closet. So either you're stupid
137
00:08:31,802 --> 00:08:36,014
or deep down inside you
don't want monogamy either.
138
00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:37,807
You fucked my best friend!
139
00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:40,435
Which brings me to my third
and final point. Your chief
140
00:08:40,436 --> 00:08:45,524
complaint is not that I screwed
someone; it is who I screwed.
141
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,150
That's what it's about, right?
142
00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:50,195
So much like the
counter-intuitive plan to
143
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,781
secure an exclusive
relationship with a guy that
144
00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:55,075
you don't actually
want to date - moi,
145
00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:57,827
your issue with me and Sarah--
- Do not say her name!
146
00:08:57,828 --> 00:09:01,748
- Your issue with us is purely
driven by a societal insecurity,
147
00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:06,419
not to mention a culturally
infused female competition.
148
00:09:06,420 --> 00:09:11,633
My heart goes out to you ladies.
Baby. You're a bad liar.
149
00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:14,135
You're not stupid.
150
00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:17,597
And she can't hold
a candle to you.
151
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:20,183
Can we please go home?
152
00:09:20,184 --> 00:09:21,768
Please?
153
00:09:21,769 --> 00:09:23,436
You know, get out of
these wet clothes.
154
00:09:23,437 --> 00:09:27,023
Dry each other off
using friction.
155
00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:30,777
Yeah?
156
00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:33,488
- Yeah.
- Good,
157
00:09:39,036 --> 00:09:41,288
You got a girlfriend, Charles?
158
00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:42,539
No.
159
00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:44,958
Playing the field, huh?
160
00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:48,712
Be careful, you know.
161
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,630
Why?
162
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:54,467
I don't know if I have
time to answer that.
163
00:09:58,889 --> 00:10:01,891
Wow. Bathroom fucking stinks.
164
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,102
Um, what were we talking about?
165
00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:07,897
So I said to Jack-
I said Jack, Lainey and I,
166
00:10:07,898 --> 00:10:11,401
we're looking to buy.
Maybe have a kid.
167
00:10:11,402 --> 00:10:13,403
I hope it's okay that
I said that by the way.
168
00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:15,572
I mean, you haven't changed your
mind or anything, have you?
169
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,407
Because I know you don't want
to get married, but you know,
170
00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:19,618
I do think it's important to
make some sort of commitment to
171
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:24,581
each other and I think buying
a place, maybe Kensington,
172
00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:25,415
maybe Prospect Heights.
173
00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:28,793
What's up little nugget, what
are you doing with the notebook?
174
00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:31,379
Sam. I have to read
you something.
175
00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:33,423
You've been writing again?
176
00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:36,968
- Sweetie, that's great!
- No... I was never writing.
177
00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:39,012
- Honey, yes!
- It was one short story...
178
00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:41,598
- Yes, that is great!
No, listen. Listen.
179
00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:45,018
I want to tell you something;
look at me. Look at me, okay.
180
00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:48,730
I know you love teaching,
but that's not a real thing.
181
00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:49,356
I mean, this is great.
182
00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:51,441
- Can you just please not
interrupt me while I read this,
183
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,777
please. Just listen to it.
Let me get through all of it.
184
00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:56,446
- I don't think
interrupt you, but go on.
185
00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:57,572
- Don't.
- I don't.
186
00:10:57,573 --> 00:11:00,492
- Please don't interrupt.
- I would love to hear it.
187
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:03,411
- Okay, mister.
- Wow me.
188
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,748
- Sam--
- Lainey.
189
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:14,130
My therapist suggested I
attend a twelve step program,
190
00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:17,967
for recovery from a love
addiction and romantic obsession
191
00:11:17,968 --> 00:11:22,055
- I'm sorry um, hello...
Did you say love addiction?
192
00:11:22,056 --> 00:11:23,515
and romantic obsession...
193
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:26,309
- Sweetie, you might
as well face it,
194
00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:28,311
you're addicted to love.
Huey Lewis.
195
00:11:28,312 --> 00:11:31,064
- No, it's Robert Palmer.
...that I've had for the last
196
00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:33,983
ten years. As a result I have
been able to stay faithful to
197
00:11:33,984 --> 00:11:36,945
you -for the past six months-
- Okay, let me just stop you
198
00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:38,113
because... I feel like--
199
00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:40,657
- Sam, I'm trying
to tell you something.
200
00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:41,741
I know.
201
00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:43,243
I would love to hear
what you're telling me.
202
00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:44,703
Can you listen to what
I'm saying to you?
203
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:47,831
- I'm trying to--
Yeah, I'm listening.
204
00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:50,875
I want to move forward in our
relationship in an honest way.
205
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:52,085
I know it. being honest-
206
00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:56,464
honest, critical
appraisal is the foundation--
207
00:11:56,465 --> 00:11:59,426
Sam, I cheated on you.
208
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:15,316
You cheated on me?
209
00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:21,322
Baby...
210
00:12:21,323 --> 00:12:23,616
how many times?
211
00:12:25,953 --> 00:12:28,037
Sixteen...
212
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,545
I don't even know sixteen guys.
Sixteen guys?
213
00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:39,340
No, the same guy.
Sixteen times.
214
00:12:40,676 --> 00:12:42,385
- Who?
- It doesn't matter who.
215
00:12:42,386 --> 00:12:45,555
- Tell me who. My brother?
- No.
216
00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:47,474
- Was it my brother?
- No.
217
00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:48,057
Was it my brother?
218
00:12:48,058 --> 00:12:49,893
Stop! You know I'm not
interested in your brother.
219
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:53,229
Who's so fucking hot?
How is better than my brother!
220
00:12:53,230 --> 00:12:55,815
- I'm not going to tell you.
- I deserve to know.
221
00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:56,858
- No.
- I deserve to know.
222
00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:59,903
I've been getting his
second fucking servings.
223
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:03,823
I've been tasting his sweat.
Whose juices have I tasted?
224
00:13:03,824 --> 00:13:04,282
Gross...
225
00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:06,659
- If I've been drinking his
juices I want to know who it is.
226
00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:08,870
- I'm not going to
involve him in this and make
227
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:09,537
this worse for everyone.
228
00:13:09,538 --> 00:13:14,417
You involved my brother when
you fucked him sixteen times!
229
00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:18,046
Who can tell what that
fucking swarthy man...
230
00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:21,800
What? Get out of here!
Get out of here! Please!
231
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,343
Why did you have to
do this in public,
232
00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:25,261
were you trying to humiliate me?
Look it! Look it!
233
00:13:25,262 --> 00:13:28,807
He's looking! I'm embarrassed.
You won! I'm humiliated.
234
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,266
I was sacred that
you would freak out.
235
00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:31,935
Yeah, well you thought right.
236
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:34,938
Get ready for a
classic Sam freak out!
237
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:41,027
Sam, wait. I'm sorry. Please...
238
00:13:41,987 --> 00:13:43,196
I'm sorry...
239
00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:46,324
I want to make this work.
I'm trying to get better.
240
00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:49,494
You can't get better, Lainey...
241
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:52,747
You're not an addict, okay.
242
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,877
You're just a whore.
243
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,465
You're a whore.
244
00:14:05,135 --> 00:14:08,137
You're a fucking whore.
245
00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:03,026
Before I did this program,
I thought love was a feeling.
246
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,737
But that's bullshit.
It's not a feeling,
247
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:08,156
it's a decision.
Like everything else.
248
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:11,701
And I now see that when I was in
my addiction I made the decision
249
00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:16,456
over and over again to choose
sex over my self-worth.
250
00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,708
And it doesn't mean that
I don't like sex now,
251
00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:21,753
it doesn't mean that
I'm not a sexual person. Gail.
252
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:25,715
I don't need to trolling online,
looking for women to go down on.
253
00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:27,508
I don't need to fuck
eight guys in one night!
254
00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:30,219
I don't deny what I've done.
I embrace my past.
255
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:32,096
Yes, I did once call one
of my neighbors in the middle
256
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,182
of the day when he was at
work and said grab some condoms
257
00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:36,976
and meet me at that
delicious soft pretzel place.
258
00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:40,313
Who cares? I did let
someone put a protein bar
259
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:42,106
up my ass once.
Big deal.
260
00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:45,318
I did hack into my supermarket's
Instagram account and posted a
261
00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:48,363
picture of my asshole and say
there was a sale on asshole.
262
00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:52,408
And then said come and lick
my asshole if you're bald.
263
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:04,963
Of all the gin joints...
264
00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:08,007
No way.
265
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:10,927
- Jake!
- Yes.
266
00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:16,766
Oh my god.
Were you just in that meeting?
267
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:19,310
Oh yeah. sure was.
Uh -huh. I had to get out
268
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:22,605
of there though.
It was making me super horny.
269
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:27,151
Wow, it's been
what-twelve years?
270
00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:30,780
I think it might
actually be longer, yeah.
271
00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:33,032
You look good.
272
00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:35,910
- So do you.
- Thank you.
273
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,621
Wow... the old virgin.
274
00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:41,499
Don't you mean the
one that got away?
275
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:41,916
Stop...
276
00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:44,127
No, the last thing I remember
we had that awesome night
277
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:46,337
together and
you just sort of...
278
00:16:46,338 --> 00:16:46,963
Disappeared.
279
00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:50,675
Plus you were all hung on that
guy that lived next door to me
280
00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:53,094
the boring guy, Marcus--
- Matthew.
281
00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:55,930
- That's right.
I hear he's a lady doctor now.
282
00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:56,889
- Oh?
- Yeah.
283
00:16:56,890 --> 00:17:00,351
Do you ever see him around,
I assume at doctor things?
284
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:02,437
- Aren't you a doctor now?
- Oh, I didn't do that.
285
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,564
I didn't end up
going to med school.
286
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:06,607
I teach now. Kids.
287
00:17:06,608 --> 00:17:08,568
- Cool. Great.
- Kindergarten.
288
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:11,487
- Alright.
- You? What do you?
289
00:17:11,488 --> 00:17:13,906
A buddy and I created this
CDN an we're selling it to
290
00:17:13,907 --> 00:17:16,075
a digital media provider and -
you're bored already?
291
00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:17,285
- No.
- You just asked me.
292
00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:18,995
I know. I'm sorry. I have to--
293
00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:22,665
Respond to that
booty text I assume, right?
294
00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:24,542
Aw come on, Lainey.
295
00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:25,918
I was watching you in there.
296
00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:29,380
I saw you checking your
phone every five minutes.
297
00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:30,923
All that tension
in your shoulders.
298
00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:32,884
Legs crossed.
Playing with your hair.
299
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,510
- Why are you here?
- Hmm...
300
00:17:34,511 --> 00:17:35,303
To pick up women?
301
00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:38,598
No, no. Heavens no.
No not women. No.
302
00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,433
Just you, evidently.
303
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:45,313
I'll see you around.
Hopefully not here.
304
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,899
Yeah.
305
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,526
Hey. I'm on Facebook.
306
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:54,363
...what a weird thing
to say out loud.
307
00:18:08,837 --> 00:18:13,758
- I have one last question--
Come on. Come on.
308
00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:18,471
When I sign this, what happens
to everything that Xander
309
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:20,932
and I worked on.
All the content we created.
310
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:23,768
We dissolve all
past and current product.
311
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,853
And you'll work
exclusively for us.
312
00:18:25,854 --> 00:18:29,857
Yeah. Right?
Time to settle down.
313
00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:31,859
But what if we have--
314
00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:35,988
No! I will straight up
murder you if you do not
315
00:18:35,989 --> 00:18:37,615
sign this immediately.
316
00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:38,533
Xander, I'm
looking out for us.
317
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,701
You're looking out for us? No.
I'm looking out for us.
318
00:18:40,702 --> 00:18:42,703
- You're being a dick.
- Here's the thing, guys.
319
00:18:42,704 --> 00:18:44,956
I don't negotiate,
but my lawyers do.
320
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:47,792
So if you want to reopen the
terms of the contract that's
321
00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:51,003
fine, I'm just going
to go grab some lunch.
322
00:18:51,004 --> 00:18:53,631
Alright. Alright. Alright.
323
00:18:53,757 --> 00:18:55,258
Okay.
324
00:18:56,426 --> 00:18:58,886
You don't have to
go for lunch yet.
325
00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:00,805
Okay--
326
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:07,395
Congrats, boys.
You have officially sold out.
327
00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:11,357
Fuck yes!
Oh my god!
328
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:14,026
I really thought you were
going to fuck this up.
329
00:19:14,027 --> 00:19:15,361
- Me too.
- I really did.
330
00:19:15,362 --> 00:19:18,239
He fucks everything in life up.
331
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,950
I have two beautiful
children, both are gonna
332
00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:24,537
have ridiculously terrible
teeth; so you're getting braces,
333
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:29,000
you're getting braces,
you're getting braces!
334
00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:33,421
Hey. You going to lunch?
Can I come with?
335
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,423
Dinner maybe?
336
00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:36,883
How about brunch with my
folks, you'll love them.
337
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:40,928
You're smart, handsome and now
have stocks vesting until 2018,
338
00:19:40,929 --> 00:19:42,388
you can go get
any woman you want.
339
00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:43,890
Really? But I
would still choose you.
340
00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:45,933
Why? Because I happened
to be in your eye-line?
341
00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:47,560
Possibly because
you're uninterested.
342
00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:49,854
Most likely because you're
stunning and successful.
343
00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:51,814
- I'm divorced.
- His loss.
344
00:19:51,815 --> 00:19:52,273
I have a kid.
345
00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:54,483
I love kids. Kids love me.
I basically am a kid.
346
00:19:54,484 --> 00:19:56,777
And I don't sleep
with my employees.
347
00:19:56,778 --> 00:19:58,905
- I quit!
- Goodbye, Jacob.
348
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:01,866
Congrats.
- Thanks.
349
00:20:01,950 --> 00:20:03,451
- Huh.
- What?
350
00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:05,453
Paula's something else, huh?
351
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:06,787
Yeah. She really is.
352
00:20:06,788 --> 00:20:09,123
She was vibing me pretty
hard in that meeting.
353
00:20:09,124 --> 00:20:09,957
Well you're a married man.
354
00:20:09,958 --> 00:20:11,459
Yeah, I know.
I made sure to tell her.
355
00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,586
Because I didn't want
her to embarrass herself.
356
00:20:13,587 --> 00:20:15,671
Yeah, that's good.
let her down easy.
357
00:20:15,672 --> 00:20:17,256
Yeah.
358
00:20:22,512 --> 00:20:26,098
Elaine?
Elaine Dalton?
359
00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:29,727
Yes, um...
Sorry. It's Lainey.
360
00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:32,188
Only my father calls me Elaine.
361
00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:34,941
Doctor Sobvechik
will see you now.
362
00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:46,035
You didn't have
to make an appointment.
363
00:20:46,036 --> 00:20:50,248
This used to be our move.
Me pretending to be a patient.
364
00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:55,002
You look great.
365
00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:57,255
It's been a while.
366
00:20:57,714 --> 00:21:00,633
I get worried when
you disappear.
367
00:21:01,885 --> 00:21:03,427
Me too.
368
00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:07,515
It's really good to see you.
What do you want to talk about?
369
00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:11,352
- I can't see you anymore.
- I agree.
370
00:21:13,146 --> 00:21:15,648
Yeah, I think...
371
00:21:16,191 --> 00:21:17,566
we need to be over.
372
00:21:17,567 --> 00:21:19,777
I asked Emma to marry me.
373
00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:21,362
She kept bringing it up.
374
00:21:21,363 --> 00:21:24,073
I thought it was the
right thing to do.
375
00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:29,328
You and Emma got back together.
376
00:21:29,329 --> 00:21:32,456
Yes. Did I not tell you that?
377
00:21:40,424 --> 00:21:42,049
How's Sam?
378
00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:44,051
He's...
379
00:21:44,886 --> 00:21:46,095
fine.
380
00:21:46,096 --> 00:21:47,722
Good.
381
00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:52,768
I'm glad we ended
it face-to-face.
382
00:21:52,769 --> 00:21:55,062
You were right to come.
383
00:22:02,654 --> 00:22:04,196
Will you do me a favor?
384
00:22:04,197 --> 00:22:08,534
Will you erase your
number from my phone?
385
00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:12,872
I won't be able to do it.
386
00:23:06,927 --> 00:23:08,886
Is this what you want, Elaine?
387
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:14,392
Yes. I want it all the time.
It's all I think about.
388
00:23:58,603 --> 00:24:02,189
Good afternoon. Doctor
Sobvechik's office.
389
00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:05,985
I'm sorry, the Doctor's
unavailable at the moment.
390
00:24:06,987 --> 00:24:08,112
He's getting married.
391
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:10,656
Who would marry him?
Did she consent?
392
00:24:10,657 --> 00:24:14,160
Is she in a coma?
I mean, who is this person?
393
00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:18,164
Where do you find her? Some sort
of like, website for people
394
00:24:18,165 --> 00:24:20,499
who want to have a horrible,
painful life...
395
00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:24,003
I think I need to stop having
sex altogether for a while.
396
00:24:24,004 --> 00:24:26,172
No, alright.
The problem isn't sex.
397
00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:29,008
The problem is Captain Amazing
has monopolized your vag for
398
00:24:29,009 --> 00:24:30,926
like a decade and now
you're a pod person.
399
00:24:30,927 --> 00:24:32,595
But maybe if I don't
have any sex...
400
00:24:32,596 --> 00:24:35,097
And become sexually anorexic?
No.
401
00:24:35,098 --> 00:24:36,348
What? Is that a real thing?
402
00:24:36,349 --> 00:24:39,018
Yeah, of course it's a
real thing. Sexual anorexia.
403
00:24:39,019 --> 00:24:41,604
It's like depriving yourself of
sex because of low self-esteem,
404
00:24:41,605 --> 00:24:45,149
or abuse or other gnarly shit.
- That's great.
405
00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:47,359
That's another dysfunction I
have to worry about developing.
406
00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:50,237
It's like enough with this shit.
It's over, Jack.
407
00:24:50,238 --> 00:24:53,407
It's like enough! I mean,
you can do so much better.
408
00:24:53,408 --> 00:24:56,494
I don't care if it's a woman
or if it's somebody else,
409
00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:59,121
just anything but the schmuck.
410
00:24:59,247 --> 00:25:01,582
I feel like people
are looking at us.
411
00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:05,002
The guy I lost my virginity to
was at my sex addicts meeting.
412
00:25:05,003 --> 00:25:06,170
What do you think that means?
413
00:25:06,171 --> 00:25:11,967
It's a sign. You should
fuck that guy. A lot.
414
00:25:12,219 --> 00:25:14,595
I don't think everyone should
just be running around fucking
415
00:25:14,596 --> 00:25:19,391
willy-nilly, Okay, in your
specific case I do think you
416
00:25:19,392 --> 00:25:22,144
should fuck that sex addict.
417
00:25:24,231 --> 00:25:30,194
♪ One look in the mirror and
I know the party's over. ♪
418
00:25:32,447 --> 00:25:34,782
You have lipstick on your teeth.
419
00:25:36,117 --> 00:25:36,784
Thank you.
420
00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:38,077
This is my wife!
This is Blainey.
421
00:25:38,078 --> 00:25:40,996
Lainey. Lainey - with an L.
What's wrong with you.
422
00:25:40,997 --> 00:25:44,041
Bring it in here.
Never make it end.
423
00:25:44,042 --> 00:25:46,961
This is Lainey!
Lainey, Naomi.
424
00:25:46,962 --> 00:25:48,462
This is my wife!
425
00:25:48,463 --> 00:25:50,965
Shots. I'm getting everybody
shots. Shots for all round.
426
00:25:50,966 --> 00:25:51,757
We're going to keep it going.
427
00:25:51,758 --> 00:25:54,051
Top shelf, bro, because
we're rich as shit now.
428
00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:55,928
Okay,
stop screaming that.
429
00:25:55,929 --> 00:25:57,429
- Rich as shit!
- I'm telling you,
430
00:25:57,430 --> 00:25:59,390
someone's gonna murder
us if you keep screaming--
431
00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:03,936
- I don't care. We're in a cool
bar. I just bought a Tesla!
432
00:26:03,937 --> 00:26:05,813
That's not true.
433
00:26:05,814 --> 00:26:08,649
We are borrowing a Tesla
to see if we like it.
434
00:26:08,650 --> 00:26:10,234
Listen, are you guys...
435
00:26:10,235 --> 00:26:12,361
are you guys sleeping
with each other?
436
00:26:12,362 --> 00:26:14,572
- No!
- Oh good. Oh my god, good.
437
00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:15,406
What are you guys talking about?
438
00:26:15,407 --> 00:26:17,741
I'm telling her not
to have sex with you!
439
00:26:17,742 --> 00:26:19,326
Oh, well you're too late!
440
00:26:19,327 --> 00:26:22,288
Because we lost our
virginity to each other!
441
00:26:23,164 --> 00:26:25,457
- Are you serious.
- You didn't know!
442
00:26:25,458 --> 00:26:26,208
Yeah, I told him earlier.
443
00:26:26,209 --> 00:26:28,252
- We all knew.
- You didn't know!
444
00:26:28,253 --> 00:26:30,796
- That's a beautiful story.
- Yeah.
445
00:26:30,797 --> 00:26:32,256
- True romantic.
- Right!
446
00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:34,675
Here we go. Bring it in.
To virginity!
447
00:26:34,676 --> 00:26:38,137
- To virginity!
- Get lost.
448
00:26:40,765 --> 00:26:42,850
- I just gonna
go outside for a--
449
00:26:42,851 --> 00:26:45,769
- Naomi still has
her anal virginity.
450
00:26:45,770 --> 00:26:46,395
That's not true.
451
00:26:46,396 --> 00:26:48,689
A lot of guys have been
up there, just not you.
452
00:26:48,690 --> 00:26:50,107
Oh, wait, wait.
Girl, girl, girl -
453
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:52,067
- Lainey, her name's Lainey.
- Lainey, sorry.
454
00:26:52,068 --> 00:26:53,235
Quick question before
you walk out the door,
455
00:26:53,236 --> 00:26:56,780
are you the reason that my
friend Jake here is the biggest
456
00:26:56,781 --> 00:26:59,116
slut in the world?
457
00:26:59,117 --> 00:27:00,993
- What are you doing?
- I'm saying, like,
458
00:27:00,994 --> 00:27:03,495
he puts his dick in like
every sticky hole he finds.
459
00:27:03,496 --> 00:27:05,039
- That's not true.
- It gross.
460
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,790
- Xander!
- But like I'm jels.
461
00:27:06,791 --> 00:27:08,584
Come on.
462
00:27:08,585 --> 00:27:10,044
- No, I'm just kidding.
- I don't know.
463
00:27:10,045 --> 00:27:11,045
I don't know.
- I'm just kidding.
464
00:27:11,046 --> 00:27:12,546
I know it's not you.
I know it's not you.
465
00:27:12,547 --> 00:27:14,256
I know it's because
his dad molested him.
466
00:27:14,257 --> 00:27:15,174
- What?
- What?
467
00:27:15,175 --> 00:27:18,469
- Now everybody knows!
- He was a boy scout leader.
468
00:27:18,470 --> 00:27:20,346
Bro, you're welcome.
You're welcome.
469
00:27:20,347 --> 00:27:23,223
- How am I welcome?
- I just set that up for you!
470
00:27:23,224 --> 00:27:23,807
Where is she going?
471
00:27:23,808 --> 00:27:25,309
- Yeah, don't let
her get away, man.
472
00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:26,977
Dude, you have
to chase after her.
473
00:27:26,978 --> 00:27:29,438
- I know.
- She's a lobster, man.
474
00:27:29,439 --> 00:27:33,150
- Okay. Alright.
- She seems...
475
00:27:33,234 --> 00:27:34,485
amazing.
- Awesome!
476
00:27:34,486 --> 00:27:38,614
Hey, Lainey.
Where are you going?
477
00:27:38,615 --> 00:27:39,907
Yeah, sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
478
00:27:39,908 --> 00:27:42,618
I want to thank you for tonight.
It was great.
479
00:27:42,619 --> 00:27:44,912
Just go in and have
fun with your friends.
480
00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:47,915
I just-I FaceBooked you
because it thought I should
481
00:27:47,916 --> 00:27:50,918
start dating again, I'm
trying to get over this guy--
482
00:27:50,919 --> 00:27:52,920
Was this supposed to be a date?
483
00:27:54,172 --> 00:27:56,256
Oh shit, it was...
484
00:27:56,257 --> 00:27:59,426
Oh hell. I'm an idiot.
I'm sorry, I'm a dick.
485
00:27:59,427 --> 00:28:01,762
I'm sorry, I didn't know. I--
486
00:28:01,763 --> 00:28:03,263
Hey, how about
we go on a date.
487
00:28:03,264 --> 00:28:04,723
This is a date now.
- We'll go out--
488
00:28:04,724 --> 00:28:06,517
- Oh, now it's--
- Yeah, it's a date.
489
00:28:06,518 --> 00:28:07,726
Let's go on a date.
This is good.
490
00:28:07,727 --> 00:28:10,938
I'll go inside, I'm gonna get my
jacket then I'll come out and
491
00:28:10,939 --> 00:28:13,524
we'll date it up.
492
00:28:13,525 --> 00:28:16,068
Matthew Sobvechik?
The guy had all the charm
493
00:28:16,069 --> 00:28:17,528
of a broken Etch-a-Sketch.
494
00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:20,447
- It feels so freeing to
tell someone about it
495
00:28:20,448 --> 00:28:21,156
who actually knows him.
496
00:28:21,157 --> 00:28:22,908
Okay, you're going to have
to explain this to me.
497
00:28:22,909 --> 00:28:25,994
I mean, is he packing? Huh?
Is that what's going on?
498
00:28:25,995 --> 00:28:26,787
Does it tip in hundreds?
499
00:28:26,788 --> 00:28:28,080
Read you the Polar
Express before bedtime?
500
00:28:28,081 --> 00:28:30,457
You know, it's pretty
average actually.
501
00:28:30,458 --> 00:28:34,461
Ah, goddammit!
Even his junk is boring.
502
00:28:34,462 --> 00:28:36,964
God damn boring dick!
503
00:28:37,048 --> 00:28:39,174
That's so weird, and
you're a catch! It's true.
504
00:28:39,175 --> 00:28:42,428
You know, I'm serious.
You've got a strong vocabulary.
505
00:28:42,429 --> 00:28:46,682
You look dynamite in a tank top.
It's just - what gives?
506
00:28:46,683 --> 00:28:48,517
I guess...
507
00:28:50,145 --> 00:28:54,898
I guess, I just thought
eventually he'd choose me.
508
00:28:55,775 --> 00:28:57,484
And so I always chose him.
509
00:28:57,485 --> 00:29:00,904
If he texted I'd think
of an excuse. I'd lie, I'd--
510
00:29:00,905 --> 00:29:02,990
That's psychotic.
511
00:29:02,991 --> 00:29:04,116
Thanks.
512
00:29:04,117 --> 00:29:04,992
Well, I mean it's
not your fault.
513
00:29:04,993 --> 00:29:09,830
You know, little girls are told
someday they'll find The One.
514
00:29:09,831 --> 00:29:11,915
What they don't tell you guys is
that The One might be a complete
515
00:29:11,916 --> 00:29:15,043
fucking dickhead with a boring
heroin penis that turns you all
516
00:29:15,044 --> 00:29:16,587
into a sex addict.
That's what they--
517
00:29:16,588 --> 00:29:18,756
- I'm not a sex addict.
- Oh yeah. Yeah. Me neither.
518
00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:21,008
- I went to a few meetings
because my therapist suggested
519
00:29:21,009 --> 00:29:25,846
that I go, that it might help.
But it didn't, so I stopped.
520
00:29:25,847 --> 00:29:28,182
- Okay.
- What's your excuse?
521
00:29:28,183 --> 00:29:29,183
- Me?
- Yeah.
522
00:29:29,184 --> 00:29:31,477
My girlfriend said if I didn't
go she'd break up with me.
523
00:29:31,478 --> 00:29:34,938
So I went to a meeting.
She broke up with me anyway.
524
00:29:35,023 --> 00:29:35,856
I'm cured.
525
00:29:35,857 --> 00:29:38,609
Well why did she want you to go?
526
00:29:41,863 --> 00:29:48,202
She... some have suggested
that I have a little bit of
527
00:29:48,203 --> 00:29:49,912
a problem staying faithful...
528
00:29:49,913 --> 00:29:54,416
for long periods of time...
or possibly at all. I guess.
529
00:29:54,501 --> 00:29:56,502
And it all comes out.
530
00:29:56,503 --> 00:30:01,256
Look, once I come to the
realization that I'm with-
531
00:30:01,257 --> 00:30:04,218
the wrong girl, I don't
know how to end it.
532
00:30:04,219 --> 00:30:07,930
So you sabotage it by
sleeping with other people.
533
00:30:07,931 --> 00:30:09,264
Yes. Exactly, yeah.
534
00:30:09,265 --> 00:30:12,142
Obviously they get upset,
but then comes the big old
535
00:30:12,143 --> 00:30:15,020
rigmarole of like 'you're
afraid to commit' and it's like
536
00:30:15,021 --> 00:30:16,939
'no, I just don't want
to commit to you.'
537
00:30:16,940 --> 00:30:19,858
But I can't say that, because
that's like mean on top of mean.
538
00:30:19,859 --> 00:30:22,152
So it's no, no, no.
It's not you, it's me.
539
00:30:22,153 --> 00:30:25,030
I don't like you.
540
00:30:25,031 --> 00:30:26,949
You know, like that.
- Yeah, that's harsh.
541
00:30:26,950 --> 00:30:28,659
That's harsh, right.
You can't say that.
542
00:30:28,660 --> 00:30:30,994
So instead I'd rather
just say something like:
543
00:30:30,995 --> 00:30:33,956
'I fucked your sister.'
- Much better.
544
00:30:33,957 --> 00:30:35,040
Well, it's honest.
545
00:30:35,041 --> 00:30:37,793
You have to fuck the sister
in order for it to work.
546
00:30:37,794 --> 00:30:38,710
It's like I'd rather -
547
00:30:38,711 --> 00:30:40,337
Be the bad guy than
tell the truth.
548
00:30:40,338 --> 00:30:41,129
See. You get it.
549
00:30:41,130 --> 00:30:44,091
Yeah. But I'm psychotic.
550
00:30:44,467 --> 00:30:47,135
But like an
approachable psychotic.
551
00:30:47,136 --> 00:30:48,846
That's the thing I don't
think I mentioned earlier.
552
00:30:48,847 --> 00:30:51,849
- You like it?
- Yeah, it's Like Ted Bundy.
553
00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:54,726
You can't get into a van
by just being a jerk.
554
00:30:54,727 --> 00:30:58,105
You've got to have a
certain way about you.
555
00:30:58,106 --> 00:30:58,939
...appetites?
556
00:30:58,940 --> 00:31:00,691
- That would be -
That would be something.
557
00:31:00,692 --> 00:31:03,318
- Yes, yes, yes.
- I'm hungry again.
558
00:31:03,319 --> 00:31:04,528
Already?
559
00:31:05,446 --> 00:31:07,531
You know, that's
Dim Sum for you.
560
00:31:07,532 --> 00:31:09,658
I have snacks at home.
I have--
561
00:31:09,659 --> 00:31:11,952
This is actually -
this is my train.
562
00:31:11,953 --> 00:31:12,786
What here? Oh yeah?
563
00:31:12,787 --> 00:31:14,246
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Alright.
564
00:31:14,247 --> 00:31:16,373
- So I'm probably
going to hit the road.
565
00:31:16,374 --> 00:31:19,668
- Yeah.
- Jake, thank you.
566
00:31:20,962 --> 00:31:23,380
We did it.
This was a good date.
567
00:31:23,381 --> 00:31:24,006
We did the date.
568
00:31:24,007 --> 00:31:26,884
- I think it was the first I
think it might have been the
569
00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:29,344
first date I've ever been on
so I don't really have much to
570
00:31:29,345 --> 00:31:31,013
compare it to, but
it seemed solid.
571
00:31:31,014 --> 00:31:33,015
Good. Okay.
572
00:31:33,808 --> 00:31:35,309
Shit...
573
00:31:35,310 --> 00:31:37,060
What?
574
00:31:37,854 --> 00:31:39,897
I- I want to fuck you.
575
00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:42,024
- What? That's so--
- I know...
576
00:31:42,025 --> 00:31:44,401
- No!
- What do you mean no?
577
00:31:44,527 --> 00:31:47,487
What did I do?
Stop wanting to!
578
00:31:47,488 --> 00:31:49,281
It's kinda hard.
I mean, look at you.
579
00:31:49,282 --> 00:31:51,867
I mean, you're so pretty and
you're vulnerable and it's just
580
00:31:51,868 --> 00:31:53,869
like you might as well be
wearing a sign that says:
581
00:31:53,870 --> 00:31:54,703
Solve my problems
with your penis!
582
00:31:54,704 --> 00:31:56,872
Jake, we just spent the entire
evening talking about how we
583
00:31:56,873 --> 00:31:59,541
screw up every sexual
relationship we've ever have.
584
00:31:59,542 --> 00:32:03,503
I know, right.
And yet here I am, wanting...
585
00:32:03,504 --> 00:32:06,423
So maybe we gotta
just be friends.
586
00:32:06,424 --> 00:32:08,884
Yes. That is the mature,
responsible thing
587
00:32:08,885 --> 00:32:12,846
to do for each other and
ourselves, yes I agree.
588
00:32:12,847 --> 00:32:14,181
Okay, but we've got to
come up with a system,
589
00:32:14,182 --> 00:32:16,683
if we're gonna be friends, and
I want to be good friends--
590
00:32:16,684 --> 00:32:21,563
It's fair. So maybe we come up
with a safe word for if we're
591
00:32:21,564 --> 00:32:24,024
having sexual tension and
then we'll stop whatever--
592
00:32:24,025 --> 00:32:26,526
If you're doing something sexy
or I'm doing something sexy.
593
00:32:26,527 --> 00:32:27,903
- Feeling attracted.
- It's mutual?
594
00:32:27,904 --> 00:32:29,947
So it is mutual?
You're saying it's mutual?
595
00:32:29,948 --> 00:32:31,907
- It could be mutual.
- That's a yes.
596
00:32:31,908 --> 00:32:34,534
I may or may not have to use
the word. We'll have to see.
597
00:32:34,535 --> 00:32:36,578
Okay, alright.
Well say it for me.
598
00:32:36,579 --> 00:32:40,499
- Yeah. Anything. I'll do
anything. You pick it, and yes.
599
00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:42,584
- It's Avocado.
- No. Can't do that.
600
00:32:42,585 --> 00:32:44,753
No. It's an immediate veto?
601
00:32:44,754 --> 00:32:46,672
I mean, it's too sexual.
It's too sexual.
602
00:32:46,673 --> 00:32:49,091
- Avocado is too sexual?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
603
00:32:49,092 --> 00:32:51,009
I mean, you've got to
see the way I eat an avocado
604
00:32:51,010 --> 00:32:54,304
and you'll be like that's
you know, do that to me.
605
00:32:54,472 --> 00:32:55,055
Guam.
606
00:32:55,056 --> 00:32:57,015
- Guam, like the country Guam?
No! No.
607
00:32:57,016 --> 00:32:59,434
I knew a girl whose father was
from Guam and she literally had
608
00:32:59,435 --> 00:33:02,688
one of the best natural bodies
I've ever seen in my life.
609
00:33:02,689 --> 00:33:03,230
Noodle salad.
610
00:33:03,231 --> 00:33:06,149
Noodle salad?
that's a sex thing.
611
00:33:06,150 --> 00:33:06,483
What?
612
00:33:06,484 --> 00:33:08,402
That's a bunch of guys
putting flaccid dicks into
613
00:33:08,403 --> 00:33:10,988
someone's mouth.
That is called a noddle salad.
614
00:33:10,989 --> 00:33:12,614
That is not a thing.
615
00:33:12,615 --> 00:33:14,866
I mean it absolutely is a thing.
616
00:33:14,867 --> 00:33:16,576
I know it's a thing.
Go to noodlesalad.org
617
00:33:16,577 --> 00:33:18,954
Now I feel like you're
just trying to find problems.
618
00:33:18,955 --> 00:33:21,456
I would make the argument that
you are just suggesting only
619
00:33:21,457 --> 00:33:24,126
things that can only be
perceived as sexual.
620
00:33:24,127 --> 00:33:26,461
- Okay, so it needs
to be more violent.
621
00:33:26,462 --> 00:33:27,963
- Yeah.
- Dick in a Mousetrap!
622
00:33:27,964 --> 00:33:29,673
- Yikes! What is that?
- Oh!
623
00:33:29,674 --> 00:33:31,258
- That's awful!
You don't like it?
624
00:33:31,259 --> 00:33:32,134
- No!
- That's the one.
625
00:33:32,135 --> 00:33:33,844
- What?
- We'll shorten it to Mousetrap.
626
00:33:33,845 --> 00:33:37,389
- Thank you. Goodbye.
- Mousetrap? Alright. Goodbye.
627
00:33:37,390 --> 00:33:40,517
- I'm going. I'm going for it.
- Yeah. Live on the edge.
628
00:33:40,518 --> 00:33:44,062
- Goodnight.
Careful. Bye.
629
00:33:45,148 --> 00:33:46,940
Bye.
- Bye.
630
00:33:46,941 --> 00:33:47,941
♪ Your face
will surely show it,
631
00:33:47,942 --> 00:33:51,486
If you're happy and you
know it clap your hands! ♪
632
00:33:51,487 --> 00:33:52,446
Yay!
633
00:33:52,447 --> 00:33:56,324
Good singing. Good. Alright,
free play. Everybody play.
634
00:33:56,534 --> 00:33:57,951
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
635
00:33:57,952 --> 00:33:59,578
Lyle, no, no, no, no.
636
00:33:59,579 --> 00:34:01,872
Alexander had the ball first.
637
00:34:01,873 --> 00:34:03,498
Why did you take it from him?
638
00:34:03,499 --> 00:34:08,045
Hey, no. You've got to use
your words. We don't do that.
639
00:34:08,046 --> 00:34:10,422
- One of my students
reminds me of you.
640
00:34:10,423 --> 00:34:13,842
He's devastatingly handsome?
641
00:34:14,218 --> 00:34:15,844
He reminds me of us.
642
00:34:15,845 --> 00:34:17,846
He has no one to play
with and gets angry.
643
00:34:17,847 --> 00:34:22,476
So nobody wants to play with him
cuz he's angry all the time.
644
00:34:23,519 --> 00:34:24,352
No dates, huh?
645
00:34:24,353 --> 00:34:26,521
- Haven't met anyone.
I've been busy.
646
00:34:26,522 --> 00:34:30,275
Studying for the MCATs,
you know. You?
647
00:34:30,276 --> 00:34:32,694
Nothing. Nada.
648
00:34:33,529 --> 00:34:35,280
Have you texted Voldemort?
649
00:34:35,281 --> 00:34:37,157
Trying to distract myself.
650
00:34:37,158 --> 00:34:42,245
Sometimes I dress up in lingerie
just to feel something.
651
00:34:42,246 --> 00:34:43,997
Oof, mousetrap.
652
00:34:43,998 --> 00:34:47,125
You should text me what
you want to text him.
653
00:34:47,710 --> 00:34:49,878
I miss your cock in my mouth.
654
00:34:49,879 --> 00:34:53,048
I miss the way you
feel on top of me.
655
00:34:53,049 --> 00:34:55,092
I miss making you cum.
656
00:34:55,093 --> 00:34:58,887
- Whoa, since when are you a
porn star with killer grammar?
657
00:34:58,888 --> 00:35:00,472
That's how I text with him.
658
00:35:00,473 --> 00:35:02,724
- Okay, well you're
sending porn star
659
00:35:02,725 --> 00:35:04,017
vibes instead of Lainey vibes.
660
00:35:04,018 --> 00:35:06,937
- You're one to talk.
You're a completely different
661
00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:08,980
guy with me than
with other ladies.
662
00:35:08,981 --> 00:35:09,564
That's not true.
663
00:35:09,565 --> 00:35:12,150
- If you want someone to fall
for you, you gotta be you.
664
00:35:12,151 --> 00:35:14,736
- Yeah, I don't think I
like me enough to introduce
665
00:35:14,737 --> 00:35:16,613
him to other people.
666
00:35:16,739 --> 00:35:18,198
Night.
667
00:35:24,247 --> 00:35:26,540
That was fun.
668
00:35:28,668 --> 00:35:31,962
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
669
00:37:02,637 --> 00:37:03,762
He looked so normal.
670
00:37:03,763 --> 00:37:06,765
Like he hadn't even noticed
we stopped sleeping together.
671
00:37:06,766 --> 00:37:07,807
No, no. He noticed.
672
00:37:07,808 --> 00:37:09,392
He's just not thinking
about it the same way.
673
00:37:09,393 --> 00:37:12,312
Right. Right, great.
I'm a guilty slut and he gets
674
00:37:12,313 --> 00:37:16,900
to be a heartless alpha
male who fucking jogs!
675
00:37:16,901 --> 00:37:18,735
No! That's not it at all.
To Sobvechik,
676
00:37:18,736 --> 00:37:22,364
you're like the hardest
drug at the coolest party.
677
00:37:22,365 --> 00:37:23,990
In a second he has
to make a decision;
678
00:37:23,991 --> 00:37:26,701
do I go home now or cancel
everything tomorrow.
679
00:37:26,702 --> 00:37:29,120
You know, no pre-meditation
means no post-meditation.
680
00:37:29,121 --> 00:37:31,748
It's not like months from
now he's thinking, oh gosh,
681
00:37:31,749 --> 00:37:33,750
I wonder how crack is doing?
682
00:37:33,751 --> 00:37:36,419
Or I hope cocaine
isn't mad at me!
683
00:37:36,420 --> 00:37:39,381
You know. No dude thinks like
that. Except Aaron Sorkin.
684
00:37:39,382 --> 00:37:41,216
Are you saying I'm
crack cocaine?
685
00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:42,425
Yeah. Don't sell
yourself short.
686
00:37:42,426 --> 00:37:44,803
We wouldn't have The
West Wing without you.
687
00:37:44,804 --> 00:37:45,679
What is wrong with me?
688
00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:48,431
- Nothing's wrong with you. Are
you kidding me? You're great.
689
00:37:48,432 --> 00:37:52,269
I mean you're funny,
you're sexy, you're cool,
690
00:37:52,270 --> 00:37:53,853
like...
Oh... -
691
00:37:53,854 --> 00:37:56,106
What? You run
out of compliments?
692
00:37:56,107 --> 00:37:58,066
Yeah. No. Do you
remember that girl, Renee?
693
00:37:58,067 --> 00:38:00,777
- Had a spectacular time
with you last night.
694
00:38:00,778 --> 00:38:01,778
I'm at lunch.
695
00:38:01,779 --> 00:38:03,321
Just tried calling you.
696
00:38:03,322 --> 00:38:05,407
Have you ever thought
about taking a road trip?
697
00:38:05,408 --> 00:38:07,951
At least respond so I know
you're alive and okay.
698
00:38:07,952 --> 00:38:09,411
GIF of a panda dancing!
699
00:38:09,412 --> 00:38:10,662
Seriously - are you okay?
700
00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:11,955
I was on the subway,
did you text me?
701
00:38:11,956 --> 00:38:14,124
Fuck me then ignore me...
Nice one, Jake!
702
00:38:14,125 --> 00:38:16,626
Photo of a dog
dressed as a Nazi!
703
00:38:16,627 --> 00:38:17,627
I have chlamydia...
704
00:38:17,628 --> 00:38:18,670
Okay, I was joking!!!
705
00:38:18,671 --> 00:38:20,547
I do have HPV though...
and I hope it's the one
706
00:38:20,548 --> 00:38:25,468
that gives you dick cancer.
Emoji of a heart. xxx Renee.
707
00:38:25,761 --> 00:38:27,137
Well, that's sort of normal.
708
00:38:27,138 --> 00:38:29,306
You actively stalked someone
today, your perception of
709
00:38:29,307 --> 00:38:31,266
normal might be a
little skewed, my dear.
710
00:38:31,267 --> 00:38:35,228
Okay, you slept with her.
Rocked her face.
711
00:38:35,229 --> 00:38:36,313
Yes. With my body.
712
00:38:36,314 --> 00:38:37,063
You didn't call her.
713
00:38:37,064 --> 00:38:38,982
I lost my phone in a cab.
714
00:38:38,983 --> 00:38:40,650
And you unleashed her Khaleesi.
715
00:38:40,651 --> 00:38:43,403
Wait. You mean like
Game of Thrones Khaleesi?
716
00:38:43,404 --> 00:38:48,325
Yes. Either A) we make
multiple babies with you or
717
00:38:48,326 --> 00:38:51,286
B) we cut your dick off.
718
00:38:51,746 --> 00:38:52,120
Jesus...
719
00:38:52,121 --> 00:38:55,582
I've got my fingers crossed
out here for an option C.
720
00:38:55,583 --> 00:38:58,001
C) You appease her.
721
00:38:58,002 --> 00:38:59,836
And how do you
appease your Khaleesi?
722
00:38:59,837 --> 00:39:03,423
I spend about a
month's rent on this.
723
00:39:06,552 --> 00:39:07,260
What do you think?
724
00:39:07,261 --> 00:39:11,181
Yeah, I mean you should
definitely wear stuff over it.
725
00:39:11,182 --> 00:39:14,351
Nice neg.
Mousetrap.
726
00:39:27,073 --> 00:39:30,325
Hey, you've reached
Lainey. Leave a message.
727
00:39:30,326 --> 00:39:32,118
Hey dude, It's me. I
haven't heard from you in a
728
00:39:32,119 --> 00:39:34,662
while so I'm gonna guess
you either finally fucked Jake
729
00:39:34,663 --> 00:39:36,373
or you got into med school.
730
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:40,877
Either way, mazel tov. Happy
Hannukah or whatever the---
731
00:39:41,670 --> 00:39:44,172
Just pick a TV
and we can get out of here.
732
00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:44,839
So tell me what happened.
733
00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:47,967
Oh right. Okay, so I've been
seeing this gal Thea, alright.
734
00:39:47,968 --> 00:39:50,720
She's black. And--
- Wait. Stop!
735
00:39:50,721 --> 00:39:54,724
Does this story end with you
doing something super racist?
736
00:39:55,059 --> 00:39:56,309
Oh my god. No!
737
00:39:56,310 --> 00:39:59,729
Why are you telling
me she's black?
738
00:39:59,855 --> 00:40:00,397
I don't know. I--
739
00:40:00,398 --> 00:40:03,817
I'm just trying to give you
a mental picture, that's all.
740
00:40:04,485 --> 00:40:07,320
Okay. Racist. Keep going.
741
00:40:07,321 --> 00:40:09,280
Okay. Well, we go see a movie.
During the day.
742
00:40:09,281 --> 00:40:12,492
And she's super smart and cool
and also gorgeous but I do what
743
00:40:12,493 --> 00:40:15,161
we talked about: I do
not sleep with her.
744
00:40:15,162 --> 00:40:17,163
You're so strong.
I'm so proud.
745
00:40:17,164 --> 00:40:20,583
Hey. Not all of us can remain
celibate for a year, alright.
746
00:40:20,584 --> 00:40:22,419
I'm just waiting
for the right guy.
747
00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:25,046
The white guy?
Whose racist now...
748
00:40:25,047 --> 00:40:27,715
- The right guy.
- Oh, the right guy.
749
00:40:27,716 --> 00:40:29,300
Oh, the one you waited
for for ten year.
750
00:40:29,301 --> 00:40:32,053
That right guy? You know,
he's married now - that one?
751
00:40:32,054 --> 00:40:33,430
What're we doing
in this aisle?
752
00:40:33,431 --> 00:40:35,140
Can I finish my story please?
753
00:40:35,141 --> 00:40:39,561
I wait four days and then I
call her and we go out again.
754
00:40:39,562 --> 00:40:40,687
Alright? No sex.
755
00:40:40,688 --> 00:40:44,274
I mean, we hook up but I don't,
like, finger her or anything.
756
00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:44,732
Awesome.
757
00:40:44,733 --> 00:40:46,693
So I call her last
night, and I'm like:
758
00:40:46,694 --> 00:40:49,112
Hey, do you want to go see the
new Wes Anderson movie?
759
00:40:49,113 --> 00:40:52,699
- Ugh.
- What? And then she's like:
760
00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:53,992
Jake. What are you doing?
761
00:40:53,993 --> 00:40:56,870
- And I'm like, Oh of course.
Wes Anderson is such a
762
00:40:56,871 --> 00:40:59,456
stupid white guy thing
to do suggest, you know.
763
00:40:59,457 --> 00:41:01,916
Okay, racist.
And also dumb. Yes.
764
00:41:01,917 --> 00:41:03,960
Do you two need any help?
765
00:41:03,961 --> 00:41:07,130
No, we're good. She just takes
a while to make a decision.
766
00:41:07,131 --> 00:41:08,798
- I do.
- Yeah, you got it.
767
00:41:08,799 --> 00:41:11,509
And so I'm like well do you
want to go see something else?
768
00:41:11,510 --> 00:41:12,093
And then she says:
769
00:41:12,094 --> 00:41:15,430
- Why haven't we had sex yet?
Do you just want to be friends?
770
00:41:15,431 --> 00:41:18,683
Because honestly, I
have enough friends.
771
00:41:18,684 --> 00:41:20,894
Where are you right now?
772
00:41:32,865 --> 00:41:35,200
That was awesome.
773
00:41:35,367 --> 00:41:36,868
Oh my god...
774
00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:39,537
Oh golly...
775
00:41:39,872 --> 00:41:42,540
Sorry if I was too noisy,
but that was like--
776
00:41:42,541 --> 00:41:45,877
I don't know what got into me.
Hey...
777
00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:48,755
Did you...
778
00:41:49,089 --> 00:41:50,965
- No.
- Oh.
779
00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:52,425
But don't take it personally.
780
00:41:52,426 --> 00:41:55,094
I don't orgasm
during sex that much.
781
00:41:55,095 --> 00:41:58,681
So? Lots of
women don't cum during sex.
782
00:41:58,682 --> 00:42:02,435
So? No, no, no. That has
never happened to me before!
783
00:42:02,436 --> 00:42:03,394
What positions did you do?
784
00:42:03,395 --> 00:42:06,564
- No. We did everything.
What's your favorite position?
785
00:42:06,565 --> 00:42:08,566
- I don't know.
The regular one?
786
00:42:08,567 --> 00:42:11,694
The regular-come on.
787
00:42:12,154 --> 00:42:12,779
From behind.
788
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,739
- Exactly. Because
you hate your dad.
789
00:42:14,740 --> 00:42:17,325
Oh my god. Mousetrap!
790
00:42:17,326 --> 00:42:19,577
All set.
And can I just say
791
00:42:19,578 --> 00:42:23,665
we think you two are the
coolest married couple ever.
792
00:42:24,083 --> 00:42:25,416
- That's-we don't
get that enough.
793
00:42:25,417 --> 00:42:26,709
- So sweet.
- Thank you.
794
00:42:26,710 --> 00:42:28,002
- That's really sweet.
- Happy holidays.
795
00:42:28,003 --> 00:42:29,212
- Let's go, hon.
- Happy holidays, yes.
796
00:42:29,213 --> 00:42:31,381
I will just meet you
out by our minivan.
797
00:42:31,382 --> 00:42:32,674
- I'll meet you out front.
- Okay, great.
798
00:42:32,675 --> 00:42:34,676
I'll have to move the
car seat and then there
799
00:42:34,677 --> 00:42:36,636
will be plenty of room.
800
00:42:37,555 --> 00:42:40,306
Car seat? Are we
going to have a kid?
801
00:42:40,307 --> 00:42:42,350
It's just like-
when do you orgasm?
802
00:42:42,351 --> 00:42:45,186
When does it happen to you?
- When I'm with Matthew.
803
00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:48,731
- Yeah, okay.
- That's it.
804
00:42:48,816 --> 00:42:50,650
That's it!
805
00:42:50,651 --> 00:42:52,652
Okay, well that just
explained everything.
806
00:42:52,653 --> 00:42:56,447
That's-you haven't had
an orgasm in a year?
807
00:42:56,448 --> 00:42:59,742
Come on, that's bullshit.
Not even when you masturbate?
808
00:42:59,743 --> 00:43:02,453
Lainey, you've got
to be kidding me!
809
00:43:02,454 --> 00:43:04,414
You don't mast--
Why not?
810
00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:08,042
What-I don't know.
I've tried to! I try.
811
00:43:08,043 --> 00:43:11,588
I just, I don't know,
I - I get bored.
812
00:43:11,755 --> 00:43:13,047
Bored? How's that boring?
813
00:43:13,048 --> 00:43:14,299
- I feel good when
I'm with Matthew.
814
00:43:14,300 --> 00:43:17,635
I don't know. I don't know
how to recreate that for myself.
815
00:43:17,636 --> 00:43:19,721
Well fuck the TV,
I'm going to teach you
816
00:43:19,722 --> 00:43:23,016
how to finger yourself
today. Right now, okay.
817
00:43:23,017 --> 00:43:25,393
- What?
- It's go time.
818
00:43:25,394 --> 00:43:27,812
Sister. Alright?
Let's go. Alright.
819
00:43:27,813 --> 00:43:29,981
- Okay...
- No, no. This is a good thing.
820
00:43:29,982 --> 00:43:32,317
It's about time.
Get it out. Okay...
821
00:43:32,318 --> 00:43:35,153
For the purposes of today's
tutorial your vagina will be
822
00:43:35,154 --> 00:43:38,489
played by this former
bottle of green tea.
823
00:43:38,490 --> 00:43:40,283
- Looks just like it.
- Okay. Good to know.
824
00:43:40,284 --> 00:43:44,037
So, here's what we do. First
thing you do is you take this
825
00:43:44,038 --> 00:43:45,038
guy, this index finger
826
00:43:45,039 --> 00:43:47,123
and you're just going to slide
it in there like that, okay.
827
00:43:47,124 --> 00:43:50,168
And you're going to curve it up
a little bit and I want you to
828
00:43:50,169 --> 00:43:50,835
tap the roof like that.
829
00:43:50,836 --> 00:43:53,463
You see that - that's your G
Spot - alright, you got that?
830
00:43:53,464 --> 00:43:54,172
Yeah. I'll check it out.
831
00:43:54,173 --> 00:43:56,549
- Alright, now next move, you're
going to take the middle finger
832
00:43:56,550 --> 00:43:59,093
here, you know, the bad boy
right you're gonna pop that in
833
00:43:59,094 --> 00:44:01,179
as well and then you're gonna
have that one tapping the roof
834
00:44:01,180 --> 00:44:04,682
and then this one - the middle
finger - is going to be sort of
835
00:44:04,683 --> 00:44:08,227
circling this sort
of fleshy gap area.
836
00:44:08,228 --> 00:44:08,770
My cervix? Jesus.
837
00:44:08,771 --> 00:44:11,564
Yeah, sure. You know what it's
called. Wonderful. Good for you.
838
00:44:11,565 --> 00:44:13,358
Okay yes, so you're going
to go after the cervix here.
839
00:44:13,359 --> 00:44:16,402
So you're going to mind the
gap, right. And tap the roof.
840
00:44:16,403 --> 00:44:18,237
Mind the gap. Tap the roof.
841
00:44:18,238 --> 00:44:20,323
- You got it. And at this point
you want to start thinking
842
00:44:20,324 --> 00:44:22,950
about something arousing. You
know, like maybe you want to
843
00:44:22,951 --> 00:44:26,204
think about the guy you lost
your virginity to perhaps.
844
00:44:26,205 --> 00:44:26,579
Gross.
845
00:44:26,580 --> 00:44:27,955
Okay, and then you're
going to start to get wet.
846
00:44:27,956 --> 00:44:30,291
You're going to start to get wet
and then you're going to start
847
00:44:30,292 --> 00:44:32,210
to feel some contractions
in your vagina.
848
00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:34,921
At that point you're going to
want to squeeze your vagina
849
00:44:34,922 --> 00:44:37,131
harder than it
wants to go, okay.
850
00:44:37,132 --> 00:44:39,509
- And that's called--
- Kegeling.
851
00:44:39,510 --> 00:44:42,053
Well it's pronounced kee -gul
-ing, but it doesn't matter.
852
00:44:42,054 --> 00:44:43,054
Uh, I got into medical school!
853
00:44:43,055 --> 00:44:44,555
I think I know how
it's pronounced.
854
00:44:44,556 --> 00:44:47,392
What - you did?
You didn't tell me that.
855
00:44:47,393 --> 00:44:50,019
Oh yeah. I got in. Michigan.
856
00:44:50,020 --> 00:44:51,604
Wow...
857
00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:54,774
Lane, that's great...
Alright.
858
00:44:55,401 --> 00:44:57,402
I mean, are you gonna go?
What are you thinking?
859
00:44:57,403 --> 00:45:00,780
Well I mean I have until the end
of the summer to decide. So...
860
00:45:00,781 --> 00:45:04,659
- Keep going!
- Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, um...
861
00:45:04,910 --> 00:45:07,995
Okay, so do you know
what a dirty DJ is?
862
00:45:07,996 --> 00:45:09,414
- No.
- You don't? Okay, great.
863
00:45:09,415 --> 00:45:11,833
Okay, so the biggest
misconception that guys have
864
00:45:11,834 --> 00:45:13,668
about the clitoris,
if they can find it,
865
00:45:13,669 --> 00:45:16,921
is that they're too nice to it.
Okay, that's the problem. I
866
00:45:16,922 --> 00:45:21,801
mean the trick is to be a little
rude to the clitoris, okay.
867
00:45:21,802 --> 00:45:22,260
Oh really?
868
00:45:22,261 --> 00:45:24,345
Yeah. Go to town on this little
motherfucker right here.
869
00:45:24,346 --> 00:45:26,764
You just-you just you know,
so that's the dirty DJ -
870
00:45:26,765 --> 00:45:30,226
it's like you're
scratching a record.
871
00:45:32,771 --> 00:45:33,688
Let-let-let the drummer
872
00:45:33,689 --> 00:45:35,606
Let-let-let the
drummer get wicked right?
873
00:45:35,607 --> 00:45:37,358
And you just really want
to work that little bugger.
874
00:45:37,359 --> 00:45:39,110
You know, remember
like the old IBM Thinkpads?
875
00:45:39,111 --> 00:45:42,113
And that little nub. Right?
Okay, so you just really
876
00:45:42,114 --> 00:45:45,032
go after it like
that - just like this.
877
00:45:45,033 --> 00:45:47,535
So you have that -
that's phase three.
878
00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:50,663
So again - yeah, perfect.
Natural...
879
00:45:50,664 --> 00:45:53,207
So tap the roof.
Mind the gap.
880
00:45:53,208 --> 00:45:54,709
Oh, see. Okay, yeah.
881
00:45:54,710 --> 00:45:56,002
Work all three.
Look at that.
882
00:45:56,003 --> 00:45:57,837
It's like you're doing
oh boy, oh boy...
883
00:45:57,838 --> 00:46:01,215
I feel like Anne Sullivan
teaching Helen Keller about
884
00:46:01,216 --> 00:46:04,093
water right now. That is
amazing. What a breakthrough!
885
00:46:04,094 --> 00:46:04,886
- Like that?
- Yeah, that's it.
886
00:46:04,887 --> 00:46:08,306
Yeah, just take a night, crack
open a bottle of rose and just
887
00:46:08,307 --> 00:46:13,811
have multiple orgasms.
If you want...
888
00:46:17,691 --> 00:46:21,652
I-- Primatologists actually
believed that-that women
889
00:46:21,653 --> 00:46:24,947
evolved this way so that--
890
00:46:24,948 --> 00:46:29,577
they could mate with as many
men in one session as possible.
891
00:46:30,788 --> 00:46:32,580
Fucking awesome...
892
00:46:32,873 --> 00:46:33,372
That's neat.
893
00:46:33,373 --> 00:46:36,918
Multiple orgasms for
multiple partners.
894
00:46:38,712 --> 00:46:41,380
Gang bangs. And such.
895
00:46:41,799 --> 00:46:43,299
Yeah...
896
00:46:45,052 --> 00:46:47,094
- I'm gonna go home.
- Yeah. Me too.
897
00:46:47,095 --> 00:46:48,971
- No, no. You live here.
- Yes I do!
898
00:46:48,972 --> 00:46:50,056
- Okay now...
- Bye!
899
00:46:50,057 --> 00:46:51,641
- Bye now.
- Thank you.
900
00:46:51,642 --> 00:46:53,309
Yeah yeah yeah.
901
00:46:55,437 --> 00:46:57,104
I think it's a
little bit weird that a
902
00:46:57,105 --> 00:46:58,189
straight dude had
to tell you all that.
903
00:46:58,190 --> 00:47:01,442
- I think it's sort of great.
I mean, he's actually dating.
904
00:47:01,443 --> 00:47:05,196
He's not cheating. And I hardly
think about Matthew. Like ever.
905
00:47:05,197 --> 00:47:08,032
Yeah. Because you're in a
relationship with each other.
906
00:47:08,033 --> 00:47:10,076
No we're not.
907
00:47:10,077 --> 00:47:10,827
You're not out there!
908
00:47:10,828 --> 00:47:13,830
This guy Jake is taking up
emotional real estate that
909
00:47:13,831 --> 00:47:16,290
could be occupied by a
real option, okay.
910
00:47:16,291 --> 00:47:17,667
You leased the that
space out to Matthew,
911
00:47:17,668 --> 00:47:20,878
rent free I might add, and
now you've replaced him with
912
00:47:20,879 --> 00:47:24,674
another unavailable avoidant
breeder you don't fuck.
913
00:47:24,675 --> 00:47:26,759
Like where's the
fucking in all this?
914
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:28,344
Hey babe.
Sorry I'm late.
915
00:47:28,345 --> 00:47:31,138
Look at this little baby face.
It's beautiful.
916
00:47:31,139 --> 00:47:34,976
Very sick in the head though.
Very sick in the head.
917
00:47:34,977 --> 00:47:36,269
How's your fake boyfriend?
918
00:47:36,270 --> 00:47:38,563
Oh my god!
We're just friends!
919
00:47:38,564 --> 00:47:41,816
Men and women can't be friends.
It's like life 101.
920
00:47:41,817 --> 00:47:44,443
- Stop lying to yourself.
- Come one! That's bullshit.
921
00:47:44,444 --> 00:47:46,946
It's the 21st century.
We know that's not true.
922
00:47:46,947 --> 00:47:47,530
You and I are friends.
923
00:47:47,531 --> 00:47:49,448
Sex doesn't get in the
way of our friendship.
924
00:47:49,449 --> 00:47:52,994
I'm not attracted to you.
And I have zero penises.
925
00:47:52,995 --> 00:47:54,328
I am.
926
00:47:54,329 --> 00:47:57,206
Hi, George. Hi, it's me.
Your girlfriend.
927
00:47:57,207 --> 00:47:59,125
I like bad girls
with Daddy issues.
928
00:47:59,126 --> 00:48:01,419
- She's twenty-two,
she'll fuck anyone.
929
00:48:01,420 --> 00:48:02,461
Wait. I'm sorry, no.
930
00:48:02,462 --> 00:48:04,755
Serious, she's probably
fucked everyone in here
931
00:48:04,756 --> 00:48:06,591
but I don't even care.
932
00:48:09,553 --> 00:48:10,303
You got a minute?
933
00:48:10,304 --> 00:48:14,599
Not really. I'm kind of
in the middle of something.
934
00:48:14,892 --> 00:48:16,100
I was thinking...
935
00:48:16,101 --> 00:48:16,642
Oh yeah?
936
00:48:16,643 --> 00:48:20,646
Do you wanna come to Henry's
birthday party this weekend?
937
00:48:21,356 --> 00:48:22,607
Really?
- Yep.
938
00:48:22,608 --> 00:48:24,483
Xander, in the eight years
I've known you as a father
939
00:48:24,484 --> 00:48:26,986
you have never once
invited me to any function
940
00:48:26,987 --> 00:48:27,612
involving your children.
941
00:48:27,613 --> 00:48:32,366
Hear me out. I was thinking...
Maybe you and Lainey--
942
00:48:32,367 --> 00:48:33,784
Ah, I knew it! No.
943
00:48:33,785 --> 00:48:35,161
See, Lainey and
I are not dating.
944
00:48:35,162 --> 00:48:37,204
I know that. I'm not
saying you have to date her,
945
00:48:37,205 --> 00:48:39,081
I'm not saying you have
to come as a couple.
946
00:48:39,082 --> 00:48:41,667
I'm just saying arrive
at the party together.
947
00:48:41,668 --> 00:48:44,712
Come as friends - or whatever
fucked up thing you guys have--
948
00:48:44,713 --> 00:48:47,214
- We're best friends.
- No, we're best friends!
949
00:48:47,215 --> 00:48:48,382
- That's not true.
- What?
950
00:48:48,383 --> 00:48:52,637
Look, she's my best friend and
I would say by circumstance and
951
00:48:52,638 --> 00:48:55,514
certainly duration, you
would be my next best friend.
952
00:48:55,515 --> 00:48:57,183
You know what,
I'll even allow that.
953
00:48:57,184 --> 00:49:02,063
You're my last single friend,
I can't have you mingling--
954
00:49:02,064 --> 00:49:03,356
- Hey.
- Yes?
955
00:49:03,357 --> 00:49:05,524
We have a meeting with
group sales in twenty.
956
00:49:05,525 --> 00:49:07,401
Are you two prepared?
Huh? Not at all.
957
00:49:07,402 --> 00:49:10,488
Should I reschedule the meeting
for when you are ready?
958
00:49:10,489 --> 00:49:13,366
Five or six months from now?
- I would make it a cool seven.
959
00:49:13,367 --> 00:49:16,369
- Yeah, seven at least.
- Shit, I'm not available then.
960
00:49:16,370 --> 00:49:19,163
Oh well, I tried.
See you in twenty?
961
00:49:19,164 --> 00:49:21,874
You got it, boss.
962
00:49:22,209 --> 00:49:24,585
- Mousetrap...
- What the fuck is that?
963
00:49:24,586 --> 00:49:25,211
That was repartee.
964
00:49:25,212 --> 00:49:27,421
- That's exactly why I can't
have you at the party.
965
00:49:27,422 --> 00:49:28,965
Because you have
repartee with everybody.
966
00:49:28,966 --> 00:49:33,469
You love repartee. All you want
to do is flit around the party,
967
00:49:33,470 --> 00:49:34,804
flirt with the moms.
968
00:49:34,805 --> 00:49:37,640
And then they all get mad, and
then they turn on each other.
969
00:49:37,641 --> 00:49:40,601
Then they yell at Naomi,
then Naomi yells at me.
970
00:49:40,602 --> 00:49:43,062
Then they won't let their
kids play with me kids.
971
00:49:43,063 --> 00:49:46,190
Then I have to play with my kids
because my kids have no friends.
972
00:49:46,191 --> 00:49:49,735
I'm raising friendless
children because of you.
973
00:49:49,736 --> 00:49:50,319
Do you understand?
974
00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:54,115
It is a cascading shit
storm that is your creation.
975
00:49:54,116 --> 00:49:57,243
- A tremendous amount of Malcolm
Gladwellian logic jumps.
976
00:49:57,244 --> 00:50:01,288
We'll you've spent ten thousand
hours fucking my life up.
977
00:50:01,289 --> 00:50:03,791
- So bring Lainey to the party.
- Okay. Fine.
978
00:50:03,792 --> 00:50:07,753
I will, on behalf of your
children - and Naomi,
979
00:50:07,754 --> 00:50:10,297
I will talk to Lainey
and see what we can do.
980
00:50:10,298 --> 00:50:13,592
Listen, I'm not saying you
and Lainey need to date.
981
00:50:13,593 --> 00:50:17,138
I'm just saying, for the
first time, I'm a little bit
982
00:50:17,139 --> 00:50:22,643
optimistic you might
not become that creepy guy.
983
00:50:22,769 --> 00:50:25,604
But he's got a point. I'm going
to be the creepy old dude!
984
00:50:25,605 --> 00:50:28,649
Like, that sucks. And then what
happens when my dick doesn't
985
00:50:28,650 --> 00:50:31,444
get as hard as it used to, okay.
Because that's going to happen.
986
00:50:31,445 --> 00:50:33,029
It's going to happen,
it's inevitable.
987
00:50:33,030 --> 00:50:34,447
And young chicks don't
put up with that shit,
988
00:50:34,448 --> 00:50:38,034
they have no time for that.
And older women are going to be
989
00:50:38,035 --> 00:50:42,455
nowhere near into my nonsense.
Okay? Just not into it at all.
990
00:50:42,456 --> 00:50:44,123
It's at that point,
what do I do?
991
00:50:44,124 --> 00:50:46,417
I just buy the fedora
and move to Miami, right?
992
00:50:46,418 --> 00:50:47,960
Make a golf cart my
own mode of transportation.
993
00:50:47,961 --> 00:50:49,962
- I've never seen you like this.
- I can't believe it...
994
00:50:49,963 --> 00:50:51,547
- You're spinning. You're
spinning, and honestly...
995
00:50:51,548 --> 00:50:53,799
- get lucky and happy...
- Honest you sound like a woman.
996
00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:56,135
- ...bachelor parties at
people third marriages...
997
00:50:56,136 --> 00:50:58,804
Like that's-
what is that? That's crazy.
998
00:50:58,805 --> 00:51:01,557
It's him.
999
00:51:01,558 --> 00:51:03,184
Him who?
1000
00:51:03,477 --> 00:51:05,436
He never calls.
He always texts.
1001
00:51:05,437 --> 00:51:06,645
Okay, no! Don't answer that.
1002
00:51:06,646 --> 00:51:08,481
- Jake! Jake!
- Don't answer it. No.
1003
00:51:08,482 --> 00:51:09,065
Give me the phone!
1004
00:51:09,066 --> 00:51:10,483
- No. Absolutely not.
Lainey, what are you doing?
1005
00:51:10,484 --> 00:51:12,985
Hey, you don't do this anymore.
Remember? We're okay.
1006
00:51:12,986 --> 00:51:16,280
I'm sorry, yeah. You got to
breathe Lainey, please breathe.
1007
00:51:16,281 --> 00:51:16,989
Is there a problem?
1008
00:51:16,990 --> 00:51:19,158
Uh, yeah. My wife, she's
prone to panic attacks.
1009
00:51:19,159 --> 00:51:22,411
It's this guy she's
sleeping with. It's alright.
1010
00:51:22,412 --> 00:51:22,870
Okay...
1011
00:51:22,871 --> 00:51:25,498
Dude get the fuck
out of here, I got it.
1012
00:51:25,499 --> 00:51:26,040
Alright, easy.
1013
00:51:26,041 --> 00:51:30,086
- I appreciate your
concern, Superman! Fly away.
1014
00:51:30,087 --> 00:51:32,588
Baby. Just breathe will you.
Okay? Will you?
1015
00:51:32,589 --> 00:51:35,508
Here, come on, sit down.
You're gonna be okay.
1016
00:51:35,509 --> 00:51:37,843
It's alright, you
just got to breathe.
1017
00:51:37,844 --> 00:51:39,428
Please. Okay?
1018
00:51:41,348 --> 00:51:42,848
Yeah. There you go.
1019
00:51:42,849 --> 00:51:45,559
Lainey, this is just fear.
Alright?
1020
00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:48,813
A really, really
large dose of fear.
1021
00:51:51,149 --> 00:51:52,525
That's all that's going on.
1022
00:51:52,526 --> 00:51:55,027
A little adrenaline -
in a bad way.
1023
00:51:55,028 --> 00:51:56,987
Does that make sense?
1024
00:51:59,074 --> 00:52:00,783
Also...
1025
00:52:00,951 --> 00:52:02,618
Mousetrap.
1026
00:52:02,619 --> 00:52:05,579
Complete and total
Mousetrap right now.
1027
00:52:05,580 --> 00:52:06,497
Oh my god.
1028
00:52:06,498 --> 00:52:08,541
Stop. You're so fucked up.
1029
00:52:08,542 --> 00:52:09,875
I'm fucked up?
What are you talking about?
1030
00:52:09,876 --> 00:52:14,213
You went Kathy Bates in Misery
in the middle of Central Park.
1031
00:52:14,214 --> 00:52:17,091
Come on . Maybe we're both fucked
up. At least give me that.
1032
00:52:17,092 --> 00:52:20,219
Come on. You want to get out of
here? Central Park sucks.
1033
00:52:20,220 --> 00:52:24,265
I mean it's a goddamn
bird toilet anyway.
1034
00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:29,270
Almost done.
Just one more.
1035
00:52:33,900 --> 00:52:35,776
This is the
greatest movie ever made.
1036
00:52:35,777 --> 00:52:38,487
Yeah, of course you
love it. Look at her.
1037
00:52:38,488 --> 00:52:39,488
God I love you...
1038
00:52:39,489 --> 00:52:42,283
That's you, baby.
I love you!
1039
00:52:42,284 --> 00:52:44,994
I'm gonna murder you all.
I love you!
1040
00:52:44,995 --> 00:52:47,788
That's the second
time you said that.
1041
00:52:47,789 --> 00:52:48,956
Said what?
1042
00:52:48,957 --> 00:52:50,958
You called me baby just now.
1043
00:52:50,959 --> 00:52:53,961
And you said it
the other day too.
1044
00:52:54,045 --> 00:52:55,713
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
1045
00:52:55,714 --> 00:52:57,381
No, I mean it was
a total accident.
1046
00:52:57,382 --> 00:53:00,301
I don't I don't
know why I would...
1047
00:53:14,316 --> 00:53:16,942
Do you want talk about it?
1048
00:53:19,404 --> 00:53:21,363
Talk about what?
1049
00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:26,160
We're not a couple
but we act like one.
1050
00:53:31,708 --> 00:53:33,209
Yeah...
1051
00:53:33,210 --> 00:53:34,919
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um...
1052
00:53:35,837 --> 00:53:40,382
I guess I've been putting this
conversation off for awhile.
1053
00:53:40,383 --> 00:53:41,008
We don't have to--
1054
00:53:41,009 --> 00:53:43,928
No. No. No.
It's good. We should.
1055
00:53:47,140 --> 00:53:49,141
Okay, well...
1056
00:53:50,435 --> 00:53:55,856
You take this risk when you
start sleeping with people.
1057
00:53:55,857 --> 00:53:59,109
You know, you risk losing them.
1058
00:53:59,110 --> 00:54:02,821
So for me, I've never
slept with someone I
1059
00:54:02,822 --> 00:54:05,115
wasn't willing to lose.
1060
00:54:07,285 --> 00:54:09,495
Except one time.
1061
00:54:10,914 --> 00:54:12,623
And...
1062
00:54:13,416 --> 00:54:17,711
And it kills me that you're
probably gonna go to Michigan.
1063
00:54:17,712 --> 00:54:19,922
And it kills me that I
can't ask you to stay,
1064
00:54:19,923 --> 00:54:23,259
because I have no
right to, you know. And...
1065
00:54:24,052 --> 00:54:28,013
So I just want to spend as
much time with my best friend
1066
00:54:28,014 --> 00:54:30,182
as I possibly can.
1067
00:54:31,226 --> 00:54:33,727
Before I lose her again.
1068
00:54:36,690 --> 00:54:39,066
I'm sorry. I'm being selfish.
I know it's like--
1069
00:54:39,067 --> 00:54:42,152
No. You're telling the truth.
1070
00:54:43,405 --> 00:54:45,489
Yeah...
1071
00:54:55,750 --> 00:54:57,751
So what now?
1072
00:55:17,355 --> 00:55:19,231
Hey, I got an idea.
1073
00:55:19,232 --> 00:55:21,859
- Hm-mm?
- Will you...
1074
00:55:24,612 --> 00:55:28,824
take Molly with me and go
to a kid's birthday party?
1075
00:55:28,825 --> 00:55:31,744
I literally thought
you'd never ask.
1076
00:55:31,745 --> 00:55:33,412
- You thought I'd
never get to this?
1077
00:55:33,413 --> 00:55:35,956
- I thought you would
never get to this.
1078
00:55:35,957 --> 00:55:39,460
Where have you been all my life?
1079
00:55:39,961 --> 00:55:42,296
Right over your shoulder.
1080
00:55:42,881 --> 00:55:44,173
Waiting.
1081
00:55:44,174 --> 00:55:46,300
For the right moment.
1082
00:55:46,634 --> 00:55:48,635
Is that a yes or a no?
1083
00:55:50,930 --> 00:55:53,432
Happy birthday!
1084
00:55:53,433 --> 00:55:55,726
Look who it is.
Look at this little human here.
1085
00:55:55,727 --> 00:55:59,063
Hello. Happy birthday.
It's you're birthday!
1086
00:55:59,064 --> 00:56:02,191
Actually it's--
it's Henry's. He's seven.
1087
00:56:02,192 --> 00:56:05,152
She's not seven - but so
happy you guys are here.
1088
00:56:05,153 --> 00:56:08,906
Oh my god - are you guys high?
1089
00:56:08,907 --> 00:56:09,865
We're actually rolling.
1090
00:56:09,866 --> 00:56:13,494
XTC? You know, that's how
Henry was actually conceived.
1091
00:56:13,495 --> 00:56:14,536
- No kidding.
- Yeah...
1092
00:56:14,537 --> 00:56:16,330
- Well that explains a lot.
- Full circle...
1093
00:56:16,331 --> 00:56:17,831
Yeah. Don't have a baby, guys.
1094
00:56:17,832 --> 00:56:21,668
No offense, but
seriously, just be safe.
1095
00:56:21,669 --> 00:56:22,628
You know what I mean.
1096
00:56:22,629 --> 00:56:24,296
But I'm sorry happy
you guys are here.
1097
00:56:24,297 --> 00:56:25,589
It's so good to see you.
1098
00:56:25,590 --> 00:56:27,341
- Transformers
guy didn't show up.
1099
00:56:27,342 --> 00:56:28,342
You kidding?
1100
00:56:28,343 --> 00:56:31,136
No, no, no. Oh my god -
just kidding. No. Okay...
1101
00:56:31,137 --> 00:56:31,887
It feels soft and smooth.
1102
00:56:31,888 --> 00:56:33,305
No, and so there's a
little bit of a meltdown.
1103
00:56:33,306 --> 00:56:35,516
It's a little bit of a crisis
so I'm glad you're here.
1104
00:56:35,517 --> 00:56:36,433
Oh, is this for Henry?
- Yeah.
1105
00:56:36,434 --> 00:56:39,061
Oh great. He loves
New York ladies' flip flops.
1106
00:56:39,062 --> 00:56:41,355
Oh, no, no, no. those are mine.
Those are for me. Those are me,
1107
00:56:41,356 --> 00:56:43,565
that shouldn't be in there.
It's just a shitload of candy.
1108
00:56:43,566 --> 00:56:45,526
Great. Okay. That'll be nice.
1109
00:56:45,527 --> 00:56:47,694
Are those hot
pads also for Henry?
1110
00:56:47,695 --> 00:56:49,947
Yeah. Can I just hold them now?
1111
00:56:49,948 --> 00:56:52,199
Okay, sure. Come in.
1112
00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:55,160
Okay, hopefully she
goes down for her nap.
1113
00:56:55,161 --> 00:56:57,663
Okay - oh my god...
1114
00:56:58,206 --> 00:57:02,251
Okay, that kid has a hose.
That kid has a hose.
1115
00:57:02,252 --> 00:57:03,252
You guys made it, huh?
1116
00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:07,506
Welcome to the hell scape that
is my son's birthday party.
1117
00:57:07,507 --> 00:57:08,424
It's birth control.
1118
00:57:08,425 --> 00:57:11,510
Okay, when I say
hello, you say hi!
1119
00:57:11,511 --> 00:57:12,761
- Hello!
- Hi!
1120
00:57:12,762 --> 00:57:13,637
- Hello!
- Hi!
1121
00:57:13,638 --> 00:57:18,142
I'm Miss Dalton! So you say
'Hi - Hi, Miss Dalton!
1122
00:57:18,143 --> 00:57:19,101
Hi, Miss Dalton!
1123
00:57:19,102 --> 00:57:21,186
Great! Okay, who
wants to learn a dance!
1124
00:57:21,187 --> 00:57:21,854
Me!
1125
00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:23,605
Okay, everybody go
out to the grass.
1126
00:57:23,606 --> 00:57:27,276
I will meet you there.
I will be right there.
1127
00:57:27,360 --> 00:57:30,404
Naomi, put on track
seven on my workout mix.
1128
00:57:30,405 --> 00:57:33,282
- Wait, Lainey...
you don't have to do this.
1129
00:57:33,283 --> 00:57:34,825
It's not your responsibility.
1130
00:57:34,826 --> 00:57:38,120
Okay, relax.
I do this for a living. Also,
1131
00:57:38,121 --> 00:57:43,167
two minutes ago, I accepted
my body for the first time.
1132
00:57:43,501 --> 00:57:44,418
That a girl!
1133
00:57:44,419 --> 00:57:46,253
She dances for a living?
1134
00:57:46,254 --> 00:57:48,964
- No, deals with kids.
- She told me to relax,
1135
00:57:48,965 --> 00:57:52,509
and the word lasted
for like four seconds.
1136
00:57:52,969 --> 00:57:54,845
Okay, okay, okay.
Great, alright.
1137
00:57:54,846 --> 00:57:56,305
Are you guys ready
to learn a dance?
1138
00:57:56,306 --> 00:57:58,849
- Yes!
- Yes! Okay, this is good.
1139
00:57:58,850 --> 00:58:01,560
Because everyone likes
a person who can dance.
1140
00:58:01,561 --> 00:58:06,482
And this dance you can do
anywhere - all you need is your-
1141
00:58:06,483 --> 00:58:10,736
- Body!
- Yes! And just a little-
1142
00:58:10,737 --> 00:58:12,279
- Music!
- Yes!
1143
00:58:12,280 --> 00:58:14,615
Okay, are you guys
ready to learn the moves?
1144
00:58:14,616 --> 00:58:15,824
Yes!
1145
00:58:15,825 --> 00:58:18,452
Okay. Let's do this!
1146
00:58:29,088 --> 00:58:31,006
On my count...
1147
00:58:31,174 --> 00:58:32,549
here we go!
1148
00:58:32,550 --> 00:58:35,802
Five, six, seven, eight...
1149
00:58:51,194 --> 00:58:53,320
Ugh, I miss drugs...
1150
00:58:53,321 --> 00:58:54,071
Why don't we do drugs?
1151
00:58:54,072 --> 00:58:58,575
Because he have to control these
lives that we gave birth to.
1152
00:58:58,576 --> 00:59:00,494
- First of all, I
gave birth to them.
1153
00:59:00,495 --> 00:59:03,622
- Whatever.
- We gave birth to?
1154
00:59:19,973 --> 00:59:21,932
I have not felt that free...
1155
00:59:21,933 --> 00:59:24,810
maybe my whole life.
1156
00:59:24,811 --> 00:59:26,019
What?
1157
00:59:27,814 --> 00:59:30,691
- I want that--
What are you doing?
1158
00:59:30,692 --> 00:59:33,443
Okay, he's going to
put a stop to it.
1159
00:59:33,444 --> 00:59:36,530
Alright, now we're
going to freestyle.
1160
00:59:36,531 --> 00:59:37,698
Who knows who to freestyle?
1161
00:59:37,699 --> 00:59:39,908
- Me!
- Alright, grab your folks.
1162
00:59:39,909 --> 00:59:41,118
Who's the choreographer?
1163
00:59:41,119 --> 00:59:42,536
Oh, that's Jake's friend Lainey.
1164
00:59:42,537 --> 00:59:45,622
Jake's friend Lainey - who
he really wants to fuck.
1165
00:59:45,623 --> 00:59:48,333
Yeah, really wants to
get deep up in there.
1166
00:59:48,334 --> 00:59:50,836
- Like gross.
- So she's single...
1167
00:59:50,837 --> 00:59:52,796
Oh, one hundred percent.
1168
01:00:12,775 --> 01:00:15,360
This was an awful idea.
1169
01:00:16,446 --> 01:00:17,321
Oh wow, that's weird.
1170
01:00:17,322 --> 01:00:19,948
I can hear my mom's voice
when I'm underwater.
1171
01:00:19,949 --> 01:00:22,117
Oh, this is good stuff.
1172
01:00:22,118 --> 01:00:23,493
Excuse me.
1173
01:00:23,494 --> 01:00:25,454
I'm Chris. This is Paul.
1174
01:00:25,455 --> 01:00:26,788
Lainey. Jake.
1175
01:00:26,789 --> 01:00:29,916
- Ah, hi you two.
Are you guys married?
1176
01:00:29,917 --> 01:00:32,919
This is my son, and he really
liked dancing with you.
1177
01:00:32,920 --> 01:00:33,462
Didn't you, buddy?
1178
01:00:33,463 --> 01:00:36,340
- Dude... are you really using
your kid to hit on my friend?
1179
01:00:36,341 --> 01:00:38,425
Shut up. Ignore him.
He's on drugs.
1180
01:00:38,426 --> 01:00:40,218
Hi Paul. Nice to meet you.
1181
01:00:40,219 --> 01:00:42,888
- We're heading out.
But here's my info.
1182
01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:45,432
In case you feel like
you might need it.
1183
01:00:45,433 --> 01:00:47,309
Come on, buddy.
You can drive.
1184
01:00:47,310 --> 01:00:50,103
- Oh boy...
in case you might need it?
1185
01:00:50,104 --> 01:00:52,314
Why would you need his info.
1186
01:00:52,315 --> 01:00:54,191
You're jealous.
1187
01:00:54,192 --> 01:00:56,818
I'm going to assume it is
because you're coming down
1188
01:00:56,819 --> 01:00:57,903
off a powerful drug.
1189
01:00:57,904 --> 01:00:59,821
First part false.
Second part true.
1190
01:00:59,822 --> 01:01:00,405
Chris Smith.
1191
01:01:00,406 --> 01:01:04,284
Hold on - what?
His name's Chris Smith?
1192
01:01:04,869 --> 01:01:06,286
It is?
1193
01:01:06,287 --> 01:01:09,206
As in Chris Smith tree?
1194
01:01:09,207 --> 01:01:11,083
As in Chris Smith carol?
1195
01:01:11,084 --> 01:01:12,584
- No.
- Holy smokes!
1196
01:01:12,585 --> 01:01:15,170
I always thought he'd
be heavier with a beard.
1197
01:01:15,171 --> 01:01:17,255
- Leave him alone.
- I love it. It's great.
1198
01:01:17,256 --> 01:01:19,007
Okay, I'm going to
try it again, alright.
1199
01:01:19,008 --> 01:01:22,969
Just see if any of the
water goes down, alright.
1200
01:01:27,475 --> 01:01:30,602
I love those Rush Hour movies.
Oh my gosh. Anything that
1201
01:01:30,603 --> 01:01:34,690
African American says, anything
and I'm laughing, you know.
1202
01:01:34,691 --> 01:01:36,566
Hm-mm. Yeah.
1203
01:01:36,567 --> 01:01:38,902
- Shit, that was dumb.
- No, Chris.
1204
01:01:38,903 --> 01:01:42,364
It's fine. They're great.
They're such good movies.
1205
01:01:42,365 --> 01:01:44,366
I was married for eight years.
1206
01:01:44,367 --> 01:01:48,954
And I just I haven't
done this in a while.
1207
01:01:50,039 --> 01:01:51,748
Me neither.
1208
01:01:53,042 --> 01:01:55,085
Are you okay?
1209
01:02:07,974 --> 01:02:10,392
Be rude to it.
1210
01:02:24,574 --> 01:02:27,617
That was ridiculous.
1211
01:02:28,870 --> 01:02:31,747
The Dirty DJ was our thing!
Okay?
1212
01:02:31,748 --> 01:02:33,498
- Jake!
- That was our thing.
1213
01:02:33,499 --> 01:02:36,334
- Okay, let me be
super clear here.
1214
01:02:36,335 --> 01:02:37,002
Please.
1215
01:02:37,003 --> 01:02:39,463
- We don't have things
that are sexual.
1216
01:02:39,464 --> 01:02:43,967
We don't sleep with each other
so we don't have things.
1217
01:02:43,968 --> 01:02:47,095
Okay, but you know
what I mean, alright.
1218
01:02:47,096 --> 01:02:49,806
I taught you that
as a gift to you.
1219
01:02:49,807 --> 01:02:52,434
That was not a Chris Smith gift.
1220
01:02:52,435 --> 01:02:53,810
So. I don't get
mad when you bring other
1221
01:02:53,811 --> 01:02:55,854
chicks to our restaurant.
- Our restaurant?
1222
01:02:55,855 --> 01:02:58,815
- Yeah.
Oh, thank you. Our restaurant?
1223
01:02:58,816 --> 01:03:01,818
I didn't know we put a down
payment on this place?
1224
01:03:01,819 --> 01:03:02,235
Come on.
1225
01:03:02,236 --> 01:03:05,322
- I love that you get ownership
over a randomly selected
1226
01:03:05,323 --> 01:03:07,949
dumpling spot but me,
I can't share with you the
1227
01:03:07,950 --> 01:03:10,827
slightest disappointment
over you co-opting
1228
01:03:10,828 --> 01:03:11,578
an original idea of mine.
1229
01:03:11,579 --> 01:03:16,333
- First of all, you are not the
Mark Zuckerberg of vaginas.
1230
01:03:16,334 --> 01:03:17,083
I don't know who that is.
1231
01:03:17,084 --> 01:03:21,338
- And secondly, do not gaslight
me with SAT words and sliding
1232
01:03:21,339 --> 01:03:23,215
scale morality.
I'm not one of your dates.
1233
01:03:23,216 --> 01:03:25,550
- That is very true.
You are not one of my dates.
1234
01:03:25,551 --> 01:03:26,718
Some water
for you and the lady?
1235
01:03:26,719 --> 01:03:28,637
- No, the lady doesn't need it.
She doesn't deserve that.
1236
01:03:28,638 --> 01:03:30,847
- I would like that, please.
I actually would like the water.
1237
01:03:30,848 --> 01:03:33,850
- Sir, I can't stress enough-
if we give her water I don't
1238
01:03:33,851 --> 01:03:35,060
know what happens.
- Give me this water.
1239
01:03:35,061 --> 01:03:37,395
- See? She's addicted. She's
addicted. This is an addict.
1240
01:03:37,396 --> 01:03:40,023
I have seen it a
hundred times with her.
1241
01:03:40,024 --> 01:03:41,817
You gotta trust me.
1242
01:03:41,818 --> 01:03:43,527
You have lost your mind.
1243
01:03:43,528 --> 01:03:46,446
And you have lost your water.
1244
01:03:46,447 --> 01:03:47,364
So...
1245
01:03:47,365 --> 01:03:50,200
I guess we're tied.
1246
01:03:50,201 --> 01:03:52,661
I want to be able to talk you
about this kind of thing.
1247
01:03:52,662 --> 01:03:54,830
I sense that. That's obvious.
I just don't know why.
1248
01:03:54,831 --> 01:03:57,999
You talk to me about chicks
you screw all the time.
1249
01:03:58,000 --> 01:04:00,001
That's different.
1250
01:04:00,711 --> 01:04:02,504
- Why?
- Because I'm going inside them.
1251
01:04:02,505 --> 01:04:05,882
You're talking about someone
inside you, that's just - Duh.
1252
01:04:05,883 --> 01:04:08,218
- Stop.
- Grody.
1253
01:04:09,178 --> 01:04:11,221
This is the Bieder
contract that has to go
1254
01:04:11,222 --> 01:04:12,973
to legal for comments.
1255
01:04:12,974 --> 01:04:16,017
Knock knock.
Hey, you got a minute?
1256
01:04:16,227 --> 01:04:19,020
Ehm... I mean...
a real minute?
1257
01:04:19,021 --> 01:04:21,106
A New York minute, I
dunno, yeah a real minute.
1258
01:04:21,107 --> 01:04:22,732
Sixty seconds. Sure.
1259
01:04:22,733 --> 01:04:24,401
Okay. Ehm...
1260
01:04:24,402 --> 01:04:25,902
What was the other
thing - oh yeah,
1261
01:04:25,903 --> 01:04:27,612
buzz me for the three o' clock.
And that's it.
1262
01:04:27,613 --> 01:04:30,407
- Okay.
- Yeah, don't fuck that up.
1263
01:04:31,242 --> 01:04:32,742
You got to let
them have it.
1264
01:04:32,743 --> 01:04:34,828
Hey, will you sign
this for me please?
1265
01:04:34,829 --> 01:04:36,413
Well I have to know
what it is first.
1266
01:04:36,414 --> 01:04:38,206
Oh. It's a nullification
of my contract.
1267
01:04:38,207 --> 01:04:43,461
It says I resign and forfeit any
vesting stock options to Xander.
1268
01:04:43,462 --> 01:04:45,881
And why would you do that?
1269
01:04:46,299 --> 01:04:49,593
Right, no. because I want
to go on a date with you.
1270
01:04:49,594 --> 01:04:50,093
Silly.
1271
01:04:50,094 --> 01:04:52,429
If you can just sign the
back here - three places.
1272
01:04:52,430 --> 01:04:54,014
You can use my pen if you like.
1273
01:04:54,015 --> 01:04:57,183
And you can see I've
executed my half, so...
1274
01:04:57,184 --> 01:04:59,436
You stand to make over
five million dollars in
1275
01:04:59,437 --> 01:05:00,604
the next two years.
1276
01:05:00,605 --> 01:05:03,565
No shit? Wow...
That's great.
1277
01:05:03,566 --> 01:05:05,942
But I mean I never really
factor money into making my
1278
01:05:05,943 --> 01:05:08,904
decision making. But it
doesn't change what I'm doing.
1279
01:05:08,905 --> 01:05:11,781
I appreciate the hardball,
but obviously I can't take a
1280
01:05:11,782 --> 01:05:12,741
request like this seriously.
1281
01:05:12,742 --> 01:05:17,245
But he seriousness of my request
is reflected in the hardball.
1282
01:05:17,246 --> 01:05:21,207
So I don't-I don't
know what to do here.
1283
01:05:23,502 --> 01:05:25,795
Okay. I'll go on
one date with you if you
1284
01:05:25,796 --> 01:05:27,255
answer a question truthfully.
1285
01:05:27,256 --> 01:05:29,007
Get the spanks.
I love it. Yeah.
1286
01:05:29,008 --> 01:05:32,427
I answer all questions
truthfully, but fire away.
1287
01:05:32,428 --> 01:05:36,848
What on earth makes you think
I'm worth five million dollars?
1288
01:05:36,849 --> 01:05:40,060
What makes you think you're not?
1289
01:05:44,315 --> 01:05:46,399
Get out of here.
Get back to work.
1290
01:05:46,400 --> 01:05:47,484
- I'm on break.
- So take this...
1291
01:05:47,485 --> 01:05:50,612
- I'm on break.
- ...and get out of my office.
1292
01:05:50,613 --> 01:05:52,072
Okay.
1293
01:05:52,156 --> 01:05:54,699
Alright. To be continued.
1294
01:05:56,035 --> 01:05:58,286
TTFN.
1295
01:05:58,287 --> 01:06:00,747
You know... I mean...
1296
01:06:00,748 --> 01:06:02,374
Ta ta for now.
1297
01:06:02,375 --> 01:06:05,168
My ex has my son this weekend.
1298
01:06:05,169 --> 01:06:07,545
And I know a place
with cheap tequila.
1299
01:06:07,546 --> 01:06:10,173
We should go there.
That sounds great.
1300
01:06:10,174 --> 01:06:11,675
Can you keep your mouth shut?
1301
01:06:11,676 --> 01:06:13,802
Yeah - I mean, not
once we get there.
1302
01:06:13,803 --> 01:06:17,555
Tequila makes me so chatty.
In a good way I think.
1303
01:06:17,556 --> 01:06:20,183
- You mean out here?
- Yes, just mouth shut, please.
1304
01:06:20,184 --> 01:06:23,520
- Not going to say a peep.
- Get out of here!
1305
01:06:25,481 --> 01:06:27,649
Back to work, you!
1306
01:06:28,859 --> 01:06:30,610
Yes!
1307
01:06:32,196 --> 01:06:34,030
There you are.
1308
01:06:34,031 --> 01:06:35,532
Hey, thanks for coming Lainey.
1309
01:06:35,533 --> 01:06:38,368
Partners always have to
do these bullshit events.
1310
01:06:38,369 --> 01:06:40,495
I hope your heels are
comfortable, because you're
1311
01:06:40,496 --> 01:06:43,915
going to be standing and talking
to boring people all night.
1312
01:06:43,916 --> 01:06:47,210
I'm having a great time.
Thank you for inviting me.
1313
01:06:47,211 --> 01:06:50,588
And these shoes
are so comfortable.
1314
01:06:52,174 --> 01:06:53,675
Elaine?
1315
01:06:53,676 --> 01:06:56,386
- Hi, Matthew.
- Good to see you.
1316
01:06:56,387 --> 01:06:58,638
- This is Chris.
- Nice to meet you.
1317
01:06:58,639 --> 01:06:59,347
Nice to meet you, Matthew.
1318
01:06:59,348 --> 01:07:03,184
- Matthew and I were at
Columbia around the same time.
1319
01:07:03,686 --> 01:07:05,687
Your name is Elaine?
1320
01:07:05,688 --> 01:07:07,230
Lainey is a nickname.
1321
01:07:07,231 --> 01:07:08,189
I didn't know that.
1322
01:07:08,190 --> 01:07:11,026
- Oh. Elaine. You've never
met my wife. Have you?
1323
01:07:11,027 --> 01:07:13,903
- I haven't.
- Let me introduce you. Emma?
1324
01:07:13,904 --> 01:07:15,572
Come here.
1325
01:07:16,574 --> 01:07:19,576
This is Elaine.
- It's so nice to meet you, Emma.
1326
01:07:19,577 --> 01:07:21,411
This is Chris.
- Hi.
1327
01:07:21,412 --> 01:07:23,580
- When are you due?
- October.
1328
01:07:23,581 --> 01:07:28,209
- Congratulations. Your first?
- Yes. It's a boy.
1329
01:07:28,419 --> 01:07:29,878
We're so excited.
1330
01:07:29,879 --> 01:07:32,839
Matthew will be delivering him.
1331
01:07:32,840 --> 01:07:35,592
- Oh. OBGYN?
- Yes. You?
1332
01:07:35,593 --> 01:07:37,761
- Partner over at
Garrison and Shingle.
1333
01:07:37,762 --> 01:07:39,054
- A man of the law.
- Yeah.
1334
01:07:39,055 --> 01:07:41,639
- I worked with you guys
when I was a mediator on
1335
01:07:41,640 --> 01:07:42,682
Thorpe V Bronwin.
- Sure.
1336
01:07:42,683 --> 01:07:46,019
Elaine, what is it that you do?
- I teach kindergarten.
1337
01:07:46,020 --> 01:07:47,270
- That's right.
I think I knew that.
1338
01:07:47,271 --> 01:07:51,733
Would you excuse me? I'm just
going to run to the ladies room.
1339
01:07:57,281 --> 01:07:58,573
Okay, can
I cut to the chase?
1340
01:07:58,574 --> 01:08:01,034
- I would love that. I love
cutting to chases. Do it.
1341
01:08:01,035 --> 01:08:05,538
- Okay, so you're a womanizer.
- Hey... How did you know that?
1342
01:08:05,539 --> 01:08:06,998
Everybody knows that.
1343
01:08:06,999 --> 01:08:09,292
The interns call
you Jump Back Jake.
1344
01:08:09,293 --> 01:08:09,876
I have a nickname?
1345
01:08:09,877 --> 01:08:11,419
A nickname.
That's how bad it is.
1346
01:08:11,420 --> 01:08:14,339
- It's not bad.
- Or that's how good it is!
1347
01:08:14,340 --> 01:08:17,008
Right. See, that's what I'm
saying. I mean, I assumed they
1348
01:08:17,009 --> 01:08:18,927
would speak about me but I
thought I would be more along
1349
01:08:18,928 --> 01:08:21,096
the lines of something like...
- Stellar Yelp reviews?
1350
01:08:21,097 --> 01:08:23,932
- Yeah. Stellar Yelp reviews.
- So can I ask...
1351
01:08:23,933 --> 01:08:26,392
Yeah, how do I stop you?
1352
01:08:27,728 --> 01:08:29,229
Were you a fat teenager?
1353
01:08:29,230 --> 01:08:33,358
Did you-no seriously, did you
not get along with your mother?
1354
01:08:33,359 --> 01:08:34,901
Do you just not like women?
1355
01:08:34,902 --> 01:08:37,904
Do you feel suffocated by
them as soon as you--
1356
01:08:37,905 --> 01:08:41,324
No, it's none of those things.
God, those are all bad.
1357
01:08:41,325 --> 01:08:43,827
No, I think it was...
1358
01:08:45,621 --> 01:08:50,375
I think it was because
I was a late bloomer.
1359
01:08:50,376 --> 01:08:52,961
Really? Me too.
1360
01:08:54,380 --> 01:08:56,131
That's amazing. No shit.
1361
01:08:56,132 --> 01:08:57,715
I mean, it's
different for women.
1362
01:08:57,716 --> 01:09:00,510
I waited until my wedding night.
1363
01:09:01,554 --> 01:09:03,930
Did you grow up in America?
1364
01:09:03,931 --> 01:09:06,724
Holy shit. I don't
think I've ever...
1365
01:09:06,725 --> 01:09:09,018
No, I've
never met anybody that actually
1366
01:09:09,019 --> 01:09:10,728
waited until their wedding day.
1367
01:09:10,729 --> 01:09:12,939
That's like Bobby
Fischer kind of scarcity.
1368
01:09:12,940 --> 01:09:15,942
Okay, well I grew up
very, very religiously.
1369
01:09:15,943 --> 01:09:17,819
What is your excuse?
1370
01:09:17,820 --> 01:09:20,071
Yeah, well my excuse.
I think it's...
1371
01:09:20,072 --> 01:09:24,742
I thought it was something
that should be special.
1372
01:09:25,578 --> 01:09:30,331
I think I literally sprouted
a vagina when I said that.
1373
01:09:30,332 --> 01:09:31,666
Check, please...
1374
01:09:31,667 --> 01:09:33,585
There's a Georgia O'Keeffe
painting in my pants
1375
01:09:33,586 --> 01:09:35,837
as we speak.
- There are worse things.
1376
01:09:35,838 --> 01:09:38,548
That's true. Pollock...
1377
01:09:38,549 --> 01:09:39,507
Woof.
1378
01:09:41,886 --> 01:09:43,887
Yeah, but that's why I...
yeah.
1379
01:09:43,888 --> 01:09:46,181
I mean, I had a bunch of friends
who had done it and it just,
1380
01:09:46,182 --> 01:09:49,976
I don't know, at some point I
realized it wasn't going to be
1381
01:09:49,977 --> 01:09:52,312
special and I just wanted
to get it over with,
1382
01:09:52,313 --> 01:09:56,107
and it hasn't been
special ever since.
1383
01:09:56,108 --> 01:09:58,484
So who was the girl?
1384
01:09:59,278 --> 01:10:00,528
Do you remember?
1385
01:10:02,198 --> 01:10:03,573
- Do you need to get that?
- Nope.
1386
01:10:03,574 --> 01:10:05,533
- Please.
- No. No. It's just a friend.
1387
01:10:05,534 --> 01:10:07,202
Well you can still
get the phone.
1388
01:10:07,203 --> 01:10:09,621
I don't want to get the phone.
It's just a friend.
1389
01:10:09,622 --> 01:10:10,747
It's no big deal.
1390
01:10:11,457 --> 01:10:15,710
- You call has been forwarded
to an automatic voice--
1391
01:10:30,226 --> 01:10:33,061
Are you one of
Matthew's patients?
1392
01:10:33,229 --> 01:10:34,854
No. I went to Columbia.
1393
01:10:34,855 --> 01:10:38,358
I'm surprised Matthew
hasn't mentioned you.
1394
01:10:38,359 --> 01:10:41,945
Well I haven't seen
him in a long time.
1395
01:10:41,946 --> 01:10:45,949
It shouldn't bother me but I
don't like meeting his patients.
1396
01:10:45,950 --> 01:10:49,494
It's so weird meeting someone
when your husband has seen
1397
01:10:49,495 --> 01:10:52,288
her... you know.
1398
01:10:52,539 --> 01:10:53,915
Of course.
1399
01:10:53,916 --> 01:10:56,584
Yeah, I'd feel the same way.
1400
01:11:00,381 --> 01:11:02,340
Lainey, everything okay?
1401
01:11:02,341 --> 01:11:05,969
Oh I got to go. Chris, I'm so
sorry I'm leaving. I'm sick.
1402
01:11:05,970 --> 01:11:07,845
Oh no, well let
me drive you home.
1403
01:11:07,846 --> 01:11:10,890
- No. Please...
- Is everything alright?
1404
01:11:11,058 --> 01:11:12,517
I'm just not feeling well.
1405
01:11:12,518 --> 01:11:14,978
Oh. You should take our driver.
1406
01:11:14,979 --> 01:11:17,647
Emma and I are going to stick
around for another hour or so.
1407
01:11:17,648 --> 01:11:21,526
But he can drop you off and
be back in twenty minutes. Easy.
1408
01:11:21,527 --> 01:11:22,527
You don't know where I live.
1409
01:11:22,528 --> 01:11:24,153
That's so nice. Are you sure?
1410
01:11:24,154 --> 01:11:27,282
Yes. She'll never get a cab out
at this hour. It's no trouble.
1411
01:11:27,283 --> 01:11:30,493
I'm really supposed to mingle a
bit, but if you want me to come-
1412
01:11:30,494 --> 01:11:33,204
It's fine.
I'll call you tomorrow.
1413
01:11:33,205 --> 01:11:35,331
Oh yeah, yeah. You're sick.
Feel better.
1414
01:11:35,332 --> 01:11:38,710
Bye, Chris.
Thank you so much for tonight.
1415
01:11:38,711 --> 01:11:41,379
It's no trouble.
Thank you.
1416
01:11:43,340 --> 01:11:45,466
So it's the black Town Car.
It's across the street--
1417
01:11:45,467 --> 01:11:47,677
I know what your car looks like.
I don't need it.
1418
01:11:47,678 --> 01:11:49,429
- I like your date.
He seems nice.
1419
01:11:49,430 --> 01:11:49,971
Fuck you, Matt.
1420
01:11:49,972 --> 01:11:51,764
Why haven't you returned
any of my calls?
1421
01:11:51,765 --> 01:11:53,641
- I blocked your number.
- Why?
1422
01:11:53,642 --> 01:11:56,269
Because I'm not an asshole.
1423
01:11:56,270 --> 01:11:58,438
Okay.
1424
01:12:09,366 --> 01:12:12,160
- No, no.
- What? What?
1425
01:12:12,161 --> 01:12:14,162
You're so greedy.
1426
01:12:15,706 --> 01:12:16,956
Nuh-uh.
1427
01:12:16,957 --> 01:12:18,708
- What? What
do you want me to do?
1428
01:12:18,709 --> 01:12:20,877
I want you to do nothing.
1429
01:12:22,379 --> 01:12:27,759
I want you to do exactly
what you don't normally do.
1430
01:12:28,469 --> 01:12:30,053
Okay?
1431
01:12:30,054 --> 01:12:31,763
Okay.
1432
01:12:49,198 --> 01:12:51,115
...Fuck.
1433
01:13:37,663 --> 01:13:39,831
- Can you cum?
- But you haven't.
1434
01:13:39,832 --> 01:13:43,334
- Cum inside me.
I want you to cum now.
1435
01:13:44,002 --> 01:13:46,462
- Cum!
- Okay.
1436
01:13:47,923 --> 01:13:49,882
...Oh fuck!
1437
01:13:49,883 --> 01:13:51,759
Oh Lainey...
1438
01:13:54,054 --> 01:13:55,388
Oh Lainey...
1439
01:14:10,112 --> 01:14:11,654
Oh shit...
1440
01:14:19,371 --> 01:14:21,831
Who's Lainey?
1441
01:14:25,252 --> 01:14:26,878
Um...
1442
01:14:27,463 --> 01:14:29,547
It's a long story.
1443
01:14:33,427 --> 01:14:36,220
You want to tell me about it?
1444
01:14:40,642 --> 01:14:42,268
Yes...
1445
01:15:04,208 --> 01:15:06,876
I just tried calling you.
1446
01:15:07,461 --> 01:15:09,795
My phone died.
1447
01:15:10,923 --> 01:15:14,634
So. How was your day?
1448
01:15:15,344 --> 01:15:17,094
Swell.
1449
01:15:18,055 --> 01:15:20,556
Want to come up?
1450
01:16:43,765 --> 01:16:45,558
It's over.
1451
01:16:45,559 --> 01:16:47,977
He didn't choose me.
1452
01:16:47,978 --> 01:16:51,564
You never told him to
make a choice, you know.
1453
01:16:56,695 --> 01:16:59,196
How was Paula?
1454
01:17:03,368 --> 01:17:05,745
That was a mess.
1455
01:17:07,998 --> 01:17:10,625
She nice to you?
1456
01:17:12,753 --> 01:17:14,545
Yes.
1457
01:17:15,714 --> 01:17:17,590
Good.
1458
01:17:35,692 --> 01:17:37,401
What's up?
1459
01:17:38,904 --> 01:17:42,114
Are we in love with each other?
1460
01:17:54,378 --> 01:17:57,755
What are we gonna do about it?
1461
01:18:05,806 --> 01:18:08,641
What do you want to do?
1462
01:18:11,687 --> 01:18:13,646
Nothing.
1463
01:18:16,692 --> 01:18:19,360
There's nothing to do.
1464
01:18:25,575 --> 01:18:28,494
I love you for free, Lainey.
1465
01:18:31,581 --> 01:18:34,667
I love you for free, Jake.
1466
01:19:26,303 --> 01:19:30,931
I guess I can't talk you into
a road trip to Ann Arbor?
1467
01:19:30,932 --> 01:19:33,142
Tempting.
Tempting, but no.
1468
01:19:33,143 --> 01:19:37,146
Paula and I are taking
Oliver upstate tomorrow.
1469
01:19:37,147 --> 01:19:38,981
Do you want me to grab
the rest of the boxes?
1470
01:19:38,982 --> 01:19:41,609
Kara and George are
shipping it to me on Monday.
1471
01:19:41,610 --> 01:19:43,861
- Cool. Alright.
- I'm good.
1472
01:19:43,862 --> 01:19:46,363
You got it all figured out.
1473
01:19:46,364 --> 01:19:50,659
Alright, well last chance to
ditch med school and run away
1474
01:19:50,660 --> 01:19:53,120
with me. Come on,
what do you say? Let's go.
1475
01:19:53,121 --> 01:19:55,956
You just sneak in here,
I'll drive. Bounce around.
1476
01:19:55,957 --> 01:19:59,001
- You know. Unfortunately
I don't sleep with men
1477
01:19:59,002 --> 01:20:02,630
in relationships anymore.
This new crazy thing.
1478
01:20:02,631 --> 01:20:05,007
- Gotcha. No that's okay.
That's okay.
1479
01:20:05,008 --> 01:20:08,135
I stopped cheating anyway.
Bad timing.
1480
01:20:08,136 --> 01:20:10,179
What happened to us?
1481
01:20:10,180 --> 01:20:12,848
We're getting a
chance to start over.
1482
01:20:12,849 --> 01:20:13,933
That's true.
1483
01:20:13,934 --> 01:20:16,310
Just in time if you ask me.
1484
01:20:16,311 --> 01:20:20,606
Oh yes. Yeah. Before things
got really bad. And weird.
1485
01:20:24,486 --> 01:20:26,153
Alright, well.
1486
01:20:26,154 --> 01:20:28,197
Goodbye forever.
1487
01:20:28,198 --> 01:20:31,659
Goodbye forever.
Again.
1488
01:20:32,869 --> 01:20:35,371
Up top. There you go.
1489
01:20:41,753 --> 01:20:44,004
Thank you, Jake.
1490
01:20:45,632 --> 01:20:47,591
For what?
1491
01:20:48,718 --> 01:20:52,388
For teaching me how
to love someone.
1492
01:20:55,684 --> 01:20:57,768
Anytime.
1493
01:21:01,189 --> 01:21:03,858
I'll get this for you -
you've got to close this.
1494
01:21:03,859 --> 01:21:05,150
Yep.
1495
01:21:06,194 --> 01:21:08,696
It would be kinda cool though
if you could just hang onto the
1496
01:21:08,697 --> 01:21:11,782
back. Eddie Murphy at the
beginning of Beverly Hills Cop?
1497
01:21:11,783 --> 01:21:15,327
Remember that? Cigarette truck -
never mind.
1498
01:21:15,453 --> 01:21:17,705
Alright. Drive safe.
1499
01:21:18,582 --> 01:21:21,000
- Go.
- Bye.
1500
01:21:22,627 --> 01:21:25,421
Go be a hot shot.
1501
01:21:36,975 --> 01:21:41,353
Hi babe, it's me. Um...
I hope the goodbye went well.
1502
01:21:41,354 --> 01:21:45,816
Oliver and I are on our way.
Okay, see you soon.
1503
01:21:46,109 --> 01:21:49,403
Nice job, Oliver. You're
a whirling dervish out there.
1504
01:21:49,404 --> 01:21:52,072
- A whirling dervish!
- You got this, Henry.
1505
01:21:52,073 --> 01:21:53,240
- There you go, Henry.
Right through.
1506
01:21:53,241 --> 01:21:56,285
How's that feel, blue?
How's that feel, blue?
1507
01:21:56,286 --> 01:21:59,163
- Yeah, little legs
but they move fast.
1508
01:21:59,164 --> 01:22:02,708
Get it. Get it. Reverse it.
Reverse it. Yeah!
1509
01:22:02,792 --> 01:22:05,502
- Yes! Nice pass, man.
- Get off me!
1510
01:22:05,503 --> 01:22:07,671
Sorry, I'm just a
passionate fan man.
1511
01:22:07,672 --> 01:22:10,674
I'm sorry, go play soccer, what
are you doing talking to me?
1512
01:22:10,675 --> 01:22:11,967
- What are you doing?
- What?
1513
01:22:11,968 --> 01:22:12,718
You're embarrassing the kid.
1514
01:22:12,719 --> 01:22:14,094
They kid's having a great game,
you're embarrassing--
1515
01:22:14,095 --> 01:22:16,972
Come on, Henry!
Come on, Henry!
1516
01:22:16,973 --> 01:22:19,224
- That's better?
- How's that feel, blue?
1517
01:22:19,225 --> 01:22:21,602
How's that feel, blue?
1518
01:22:21,603 --> 01:22:24,188
My love is conditional.
1519
01:22:28,944 --> 01:22:33,155
When we were kids, we had like
orange slices after a game.
1520
01:22:33,156 --> 01:22:33,614
Thank you.
1521
01:22:33,615 --> 01:22:36,992
That's like four hundred
dollars worth of frozen yogurt.
1522
01:22:36,993 --> 01:22:37,785
All the toppings...
1523
01:22:37,786 --> 01:22:41,455
- She just said it's every
topping. Every flavor.
1524
01:22:42,123 --> 01:22:42,790
Hey, what's up dude?
1525
01:22:42,791 --> 01:22:45,250
Is it okay if I go over
Henry's to go swimming?
1526
01:22:45,251 --> 01:22:46,961
It's cool with me.
Is it cool with you?
1527
01:22:46,962 --> 01:22:49,964
At my house? You're going
to go swimming at my house?
1528
01:22:49,965 --> 01:22:51,131
Yes, I am.
1529
01:22:51,132 --> 01:22:53,592
- Let me think about it.
- What do you say?
1530
01:22:53,593 --> 01:22:54,802
Alright. I'll allow it.
1531
01:22:54,803 --> 01:22:57,096
- You sure you don't
want to come to brunch?
1532
01:22:57,097 --> 01:22:57,805
Me and your mom?
1533
01:22:57,806 --> 01:23:00,557
We're gonna have some eggs
Benedict and some frittatas.
1534
01:23:00,558 --> 01:23:02,434
- Yeah, because that's
what kids want to do.
1535
01:23:02,435 --> 01:23:05,354
They don't want to go swimming.
They want to go to brunch.
1536
01:23:05,355 --> 01:23:06,855
Thanks, Jake.
1537
01:23:06,856 --> 01:23:08,607
There you go.
1538
01:23:09,484 --> 01:23:11,694
- You have really
changed, my friend.
1539
01:23:11,695 --> 01:23:13,487
- Yes.
- I have to say I don't mind it.
1540
01:23:13,488 --> 01:23:16,240
I don't know what that whole
thing was with Lainey but it
1541
01:23:16,241 --> 01:23:20,160
really turned you around
in the right direction.
1542
01:23:20,412 --> 01:23:22,121
How's she doing?
1543
01:23:22,122 --> 01:23:24,415
- Lainey?
- Yeah.
1544
01:23:24,416 --> 01:23:27,793
I don't know.
We haven't talked in a while.
1545
01:23:29,462 --> 01:23:33,590
Look at her, passing
out toppings like--
1546
01:23:34,009 --> 01:23:35,759
She's just like a dealer.
1547
01:23:35,760 --> 01:23:37,344
- What?
- You're mad?
1548
01:23:37,345 --> 01:23:39,096
- No.
- You're happy. You're both?
1549
01:23:39,097 --> 01:23:41,223
- You're crazy.
- Are you mappy? You're mappy?
1550
01:23:41,224 --> 01:23:42,182
- I'm just going to
say you're mappy.
1551
01:23:42,183 --> 01:23:44,601
- Have you thought this through?
- It's a birthday gift.
1552
01:23:44,602 --> 01:23:46,020
- I can't go to France.
I can't get off work.
1553
01:23:46,021 --> 01:23:48,147
- Do what you want, because I'm
pretty sure there's going to be
1554
01:23:48,148 --> 01:23:50,566
a very nice suite in a five
star hotel just waiting for you.
1555
01:23:50,567 --> 01:23:52,526
But you're right. It's a bad
idea. Maybe you shouldn't go.
1556
01:23:52,527 --> 01:23:55,362
But I've got to find someone now
with your exact name that can go
1557
01:23:55,363 --> 01:23:59,533
to Europe and use that room.
Anybody here named Paula?
1558
01:23:59,534 --> 01:24:01,785
- Ssshhtt!!
You're crazy.
1559
01:24:01,786 --> 01:24:03,370
- Settle up, people.
No. Not at all.
1560
01:24:03,371 --> 01:24:07,708
I think this is a great idea.
- When did you get this good?
1561
01:24:07,792 --> 01:24:10,502
I spent a long time being bad.
1562
01:24:17,886 --> 01:24:19,720
What?
1563
01:24:20,055 --> 01:24:24,975
I'm sorry, I just-
I know this guy from somewhere.
1564
01:24:24,976 --> 01:24:28,395
- With the glasses?
- I can't put my finger on it.
1565
01:24:28,396 --> 01:24:31,023
- From work?
- No...
1566
01:24:33,234 --> 01:24:34,026
Neighbour?
1567
01:24:34,027 --> 01:24:37,488
No, I-I feel like
he had longer hair.
1568
01:24:37,489 --> 01:24:39,239
Maybe he's an actor?
1569
01:24:39,240 --> 01:24:42,242
Maybe I knew him at Colum...
1570
01:24:43,995 --> 01:24:45,662
Columbia...
1571
01:24:48,666 --> 01:24:49,583
You know what -
1572
01:24:49,584 --> 01:24:51,960
you mind if I run over there
just to see if it's him?
1573
01:24:51,961 --> 01:24:55,422
- Okay, baby.
- Be right back.
1574
01:25:02,013 --> 01:25:03,430
Sobvechik?
1575
01:25:03,431 --> 01:25:05,891
Yeah.
1576
01:25:06,976 --> 01:25:10,062
- Oh, you're pregnant!
- Oh my god!
1577
01:25:17,946 --> 01:25:20,614
Jake! Jake!
1578
01:25:20,615 --> 01:25:23,575
- Who are you, you
fucking asshole!
1579
01:25:24,744 --> 01:25:26,787
Sorry. Sorry.
1580
01:25:29,541 --> 01:25:32,167
- Jake!
1581
01:25:32,168 --> 01:25:34,002
Somebody do something.
1582
01:25:34,003 --> 01:25:37,005
- That's for my girl!
You shit!
1583
01:25:37,006 --> 01:25:39,299
Fuck you!
1584
01:25:39,884 --> 01:25:43,428
Get up! Come on.
1585
01:25:44,139 --> 01:25:46,265
- You fucking boring
piece of shit!
1586
01:25:46,266 --> 01:25:48,851
Fucking tourist.
1587
01:25:48,852 --> 01:25:51,770
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
1588
01:25:58,069 --> 01:25:59,778
Matthew, my water broke...
1589
01:25:59,779 --> 01:26:02,364
Honey!
1590
01:26:02,365 --> 01:26:03,198
We need a doctor.
1591
01:26:03,199 --> 01:26:05,534
- I'm a doctor!
I'm her doctor! Hold on.
1592
01:26:05,535 --> 01:26:06,493
Hold on. Hold on.
1593
01:26:06,494 --> 01:26:07,870
I am her husband.
1594
01:26:07,871 --> 01:26:09,371
That is my wife and
that is my baby.
1595
01:26:09,372 --> 01:26:12,499
And this motherfucker
I don't even know!
1596
01:26:12,500 --> 01:26:13,250
Let's go!
1597
01:26:13,251 --> 01:26:14,209
What are you doing?!
1598
01:26:14,210 --> 01:26:16,044
Jake, you fucking maniac!
1599
01:26:16,045 --> 01:26:17,171
That's my husband!
1600
01:26:17,172 --> 01:26:19,047
Oh my God, Oh my God,
1601
01:26:19,048 --> 01:26:22,217
No! No! No!
1602
01:26:28,349 --> 01:26:32,227
No! No!
1603
01:26:32,228 --> 01:26:34,521
Matthew! Hey! Hey!
1604
01:26:34,522 --> 01:26:35,147
He didn't do anything.
1605
01:26:35,148 --> 01:26:38,901
We were just having brunch and
then this fucker comes out of
1606
01:26:38,902 --> 01:26:40,652
nowhere and decks him!
1607
01:26:40,653 --> 01:26:43,405
The Henley wearing
bullshit motherfucker!
1608
01:26:43,406 --> 01:26:46,575
Oh my god, this isn't happening.
1609
01:26:46,576 --> 01:26:48,785
I need a tissue...
1610
01:26:57,587 --> 01:27:00,380
Hey...
1611
01:27:04,344 --> 01:27:07,221
- They're going to
book you for assault.
1612
01:27:07,222 --> 01:27:09,890
What? Why?
1613
01:27:11,100 --> 01:27:12,935
Sorry. Bad joke.
1614
01:27:12,936 --> 01:27:16,897
- So you're going to need
someone to bail you out.
1615
01:27:16,898 --> 01:27:19,983
Oh, come on. Paula...
1616
01:27:19,984 --> 01:27:22,110
I don't need a hardball.
1617
01:27:22,111 --> 01:27:24,071
My girl?
1618
01:27:24,072 --> 01:27:26,531
What?
1619
01:27:26,532 --> 01:27:28,575
Michael, Who's your girl?
1620
01:27:28,576 --> 01:27:30,452
- Well I can explain
that, it's just...
1621
01:27:30,453 --> 01:27:31,495
Who's your girl, Jake?
1622
01:27:31,496 --> 01:27:35,791
- I was... that guy's a fucking
asshole who was really shitty
1623
01:27:35,792 --> 01:27:37,292
to a good friend of mine.
1624
01:27:37,293 --> 01:27:38,293
You can't even say it.
1625
01:27:38,294 --> 01:27:41,630
You can't even look at
me and just say her name.
1626
01:27:44,300 --> 01:27:45,425
I don't even...
1627
01:27:45,426 --> 01:27:46,093
Give me the courtesy.
1628
01:27:46,094 --> 01:27:49,137
- What are you talking-
I haven't even spoken to her
1629
01:27:49,138 --> 01:27:50,222
since she left.
1630
01:27:50,223 --> 01:27:53,850
I didn't do anything
wrong here, okay?
1631
01:27:53,851 --> 01:27:55,310
You've been playing house.
1632
01:27:55,311 --> 01:27:57,980
I let my son fall
in love with you...
1633
01:27:57,981 --> 01:27:59,690
Oh come on, that is not true.
1634
01:27:59,691 --> 01:28:01,358
- You've been lying
this whole time.
1635
01:28:01,359 --> 01:28:02,150
I have not lied!
1636
01:28:02,151 --> 01:28:05,946
I would not lie to you.
To him. Okay?
1637
01:28:05,947 --> 01:28:08,323
I wasn't trying to hurt you.
1638
01:28:08,324 --> 01:28:11,159
Wow, you really, you really...
1639
01:28:11,160 --> 01:28:11,702
Really what?
1640
01:28:11,703 --> 01:28:12,911
- Two different
people, my friend.
1641
01:28:12,912 --> 01:28:15,539
Oh come on. I am not, okay?
1642
01:28:15,540 --> 01:28:16,707
- But you're gonna
figure it out.
1643
01:28:16,708 --> 01:28:20,502
- Figure what-
what are you doing?
1644
01:28:20,503 --> 01:28:22,879
You're just going to go?
1645
01:28:24,841 --> 01:28:26,508
Okay. Great...
1646
01:28:27,510 --> 01:28:29,386
Great. Okay.
1647
01:28:30,763 --> 01:28:32,306
Great!
1648
01:28:33,349 --> 01:28:35,309
Wonderful.
1649
01:28:35,310 --> 01:28:37,561
Fucking...
1650
01:28:40,481 --> 01:28:43,150
Who wants more wine?
1651
01:28:43,151 --> 01:28:44,359
I'll take some.
1652
01:28:44,360 --> 01:28:46,486
Great.
1653
01:28:46,946 --> 01:28:48,196
Hello?
1654
01:28:48,197 --> 01:28:49,906
Hey, baby.
1655
01:28:49,907 --> 01:28:50,657
Jake?
1656
01:28:50,658 --> 01:28:53,535
- Yeah. Yeah. yeah.
How are you doing?
1657
01:28:53,536 --> 01:28:57,414
I'm fine.
1658
01:28:57,415 --> 01:28:58,623
Where are you calling me from?
1659
01:28:58,624 --> 01:29:01,418
- Hey, did you know they don't
have a separate jail for cool
1660
01:29:01,419 --> 01:29:02,878
people who fucked up?
1661
01:29:02,879 --> 01:29:04,921
There's just one big
old jail for everyone.
1662
01:29:04,922 --> 01:29:07,799
Jake. What happened.
1663
01:29:07,800 --> 01:29:12,095
- Well... I ran into
our old college buddy,
1664
01:29:12,096 --> 01:29:15,432
Matthew Sobvechik.
1665
01:29:15,850 --> 01:29:17,809
Baby, what did you do?
1666
01:29:17,810 --> 01:29:20,437
Well.. I um...
1667
01:29:22,523 --> 01:29:24,816
I sort of beat he
shit out of him.
1668
01:29:24,817 --> 01:29:27,569
Fucked up his life a little bit.
1669
01:29:27,570 --> 01:29:30,322
Why did you do that?
1670
01:29:30,323 --> 01:29:33,742
I um...
1671
01:29:33,743 --> 01:29:37,245
Well I just, um...
1672
01:29:37,246 --> 01:29:39,915
I just really miss you.
1673
01:29:39,916 --> 01:29:44,753
Yeah, I think about
you like, all the time.
1674
01:29:44,754 --> 01:29:47,756
Even the word "Think" is wrong,
1675
01:29:47,757 --> 01:29:49,800
because I don't
actively do anything.
1676
01:29:49,801 --> 01:29:53,929
You're just here.
1677
01:29:57,266 --> 01:29:59,267
Look, I didn't think
I'd remember you.
1678
01:29:59,268 --> 01:30:01,978
I thought that I would
forget about all of it.
1679
01:30:01,979 --> 01:30:03,188
And I didn't...
1680
01:30:03,189 --> 01:30:07,150
You know, I just-I know
we're no good at this shit.
1681
01:30:07,151 --> 01:30:09,361
And that's why we agreed
to stop seeing each other.
1682
01:30:09,362 --> 01:30:11,822
So we wouldn't fuck it up.
But...
1683
01:30:12,824 --> 01:30:15,450
But I want you to come back.
1684
01:30:15,451 --> 01:30:17,828
I need you to...
1685
01:30:17,829 --> 01:30:20,414
Because ahh,
1686
01:30:20,415 --> 01:30:23,208
Because I'd
rather fail with you,
1687
01:30:23,209 --> 01:30:28,713
than win with anyone else.
1688
01:30:33,719 --> 01:30:36,972
Hello?
1689
01:30:37,598 --> 01:30:39,683
Lainey? Are you still there?
1690
01:30:39,684 --> 01:30:41,810
Just keep talking.
1691
01:30:41,811 --> 01:30:43,812
I love hearing your voice.
1692
01:30:43,813 --> 01:30:45,605
I love hearing you say my name.
1693
01:30:45,606 --> 01:30:46,815
You do? Lainey!
1694
01:30:46,816 --> 01:30:48,358
Jake. Jake.
1695
01:30:48,359 --> 01:30:49,484
Lainey!
1696
01:30:49,485 --> 01:30:50,610
I love you so much.
1697
01:30:50,611 --> 01:30:51,319
I love you.
1698
01:30:51,320 --> 01:30:52,195
Lainey. Lainey. Lainey.
1699
01:30:52,196 --> 01:30:52,863
I love you.
1700
01:30:52,864 --> 01:30:54,030
I love you so much!
1701
01:30:54,031 --> 01:30:55,031
I love you!
1702
01:30:55,032 --> 01:30:56,158
I love you, Jake!
1703
01:30:56,159 --> 01:30:57,576
I love you! Lainey! Lainey!
1704
01:30:57,577 --> 01:30:58,493
What are you doing?!
1705
01:30:58,494 --> 01:30:59,077
Fucking take it.
1706
01:30:59,078 --> 01:31:01,705
Okay honey, you're on speaker
phone in a police station.
1707
01:31:01,706 --> 01:31:03,331
Be very careful what you say.
1708
01:31:03,332 --> 01:31:04,207
Hello, police.
1709
01:31:04,208 --> 01:31:09,129
I love you. Don't-
don't hurt any more people.
1710
01:31:09,130 --> 01:31:11,256
Easy! Easy! Watch it.
1711
01:31:11,257 --> 01:31:12,466
Back off. Back off.
1712
01:31:12,467 --> 01:31:20,223
Elaine! Elaine! Elaine!
I love you!
1713
01:31:20,224 --> 01:31:24,644
I love you!
1714
01:31:30,776 --> 01:31:33,111
Yes? Yes.
1715
01:31:35,406 --> 01:31:38,408
I will communicate the message.
1716
01:31:39,619 --> 01:31:42,078
Mr. Sobvechik will
not be joining us.
1717
01:31:42,079 --> 01:31:43,663
We will have to postpone.
1718
01:31:43,664 --> 01:31:45,582
- Come on.
This is the third time.
1719
01:31:45,583 --> 01:31:47,626
- My client has a newborn
he has to spend time with.
1720
01:31:47,627 --> 01:31:50,378
- We have made a generous
offer to settle this lawsuit.
1721
01:31:50,379 --> 01:31:52,756
Your client is clearly
dragging this thing out.
1722
01:31:52,757 --> 01:31:55,842
- My office will be in
touch to reschedule.
1723
01:32:05,686 --> 01:32:09,731
- I forgot that Pinkerton
was an alias of yours.
1724
01:32:09,732 --> 01:32:12,859
- You never caught
that reference.
1725
01:32:14,278 --> 01:32:17,113
Madame Butterfly.
1726
01:32:17,114 --> 01:32:18,782
Just because I don't
applaud your intellect
1727
01:32:18,783 --> 01:32:21,785
doesn't mean I don't notice it.
1728
01:32:29,502 --> 01:32:30,502
Matthew.
1729
01:32:30,503 --> 01:32:34,965
- I need you to swear
that you didn't plan this.
1730
01:32:34,966 --> 01:32:36,633
I didn't plan this.
1731
01:32:36,634 --> 01:32:39,469
Jake's offering you a lot of
money to settle this emotional
1732
01:32:39,470 --> 01:32:41,137
distress lawsuit so...
1733
01:32:41,138 --> 01:32:42,556
Just take it.
1734
01:32:42,557 --> 01:32:44,849
- Or what? Are you
threatening me?
1735
01:32:44,850 --> 01:32:46,601
I don't need to threaten you.
1736
01:32:46,602 --> 01:32:47,561
Let me guess. I drop it,
1737
01:32:47,562 --> 01:32:49,938
or you tell Emma
we slept together.
1738
01:32:49,939 --> 01:32:51,648
I'd tell her what I know.
1739
01:32:51,649 --> 01:32:53,650
Which is what.
1740
01:32:55,069 --> 01:32:59,573
- I know that you stop
breathing when you kiss.
1741
01:32:59,574 --> 01:33:01,825
That when you lean
in to whisper,
1742
01:33:01,826 --> 01:33:07,080
you put your lips right up
against the back of my earlobe.
1743
01:33:07,081 --> 01:33:10,292
You kiss the back of my
neck before you slip my coat
1744
01:33:10,293 --> 01:33:12,961
over my shoulders.
1745
01:33:14,463 --> 01:33:18,925
I remember every compliment
you ever gave me.
1746
01:33:18,926 --> 01:33:22,929
Everything you ever
did to me in bed.
1747
01:33:22,930 --> 01:33:24,514
And the day you made me yours.
1748
01:33:24,515 --> 01:33:30,353
The day you said: Elaine, I wish
I could have known you when you
1749
01:33:30,354 --> 01:33:33,523
were a little girl.
So that I could've been...
1750
01:33:33,524 --> 01:33:36,985
Could've been your true love.
1751
01:33:36,986 --> 01:33:40,280
I remember too, you know.
1752
01:33:40,281 --> 01:33:44,534
- Would any of it sound
familiar to Emma?
1753
01:33:44,535 --> 01:33:46,578
Some. Yes.
1754
01:33:46,579 --> 01:33:49,039
- I don't think she needs to
know that things she holds close
1755
01:33:49,040 --> 01:33:53,585
to her heart were
rehearsed on someone else.
1756
01:33:55,796 --> 01:33:58,923
Goodbye, Mathew.
1757
01:34:06,474 --> 01:34:08,141
- So is he going to
drop the charges?
1758
01:34:08,142 --> 01:34:09,768
Am I allowed to leave the state?
1759
01:34:09,769 --> 01:34:10,935
He will. You may.
1760
01:34:10,936 --> 01:34:14,147
- Good, because I booked us
a flight back to Michigan
1761
01:34:14,148 --> 01:34:15,190
at 10am tomorrow morning.
1762
01:34:15,191 --> 01:34:16,858
- Great.
I have a final at three.
1763
01:34:16,859 --> 01:34:19,653
- Excellent. I'll help you
study. I'll make flashcards.
1764
01:34:19,654 --> 01:34:21,446
So no honeymoon?
1765
01:34:21,447 --> 01:34:22,113
Oh no, no.
1766
01:34:22,114 --> 01:34:22,906
There's going to be a honeymoon.
1767
01:34:22,907 --> 01:34:25,075
I got us the penthouse
suite down at the plaza
1768
01:34:25,076 --> 01:34:26,451
right down the road here.
1769
01:34:26,452 --> 01:34:26,868
Nice!
1770
01:34:26,869 --> 01:34:29,454
- But first I've got to take you
downtown and make an honest
1771
01:34:29,455 --> 01:34:31,456
woman out of you.
- Rings?
1772
01:34:31,457 --> 01:34:32,499
Shit...
1773
01:34:32,500 --> 01:34:36,044
Kidding. Xander's got them.
1774
01:34:36,212 --> 01:34:39,923
- I can't believe that we lost
our virginity to each other and
1775
01:34:39,924 --> 01:34:41,591
saved ourselves for marriage.
1776
01:34:41,592 --> 01:34:42,967
That's pretty great.
1777
01:34:42,968 --> 01:34:44,719
- Yeah, I'm proud
of us. Nicely done.
1778
01:34:44,720 --> 01:34:47,263
- But it's not like
we haven't done it.
1779
01:34:47,264 --> 01:34:47,806
Of course.
1780
01:34:47,807 --> 01:34:48,932
I know what it looks like.
1781
01:34:48,933 --> 01:34:49,766
Yeah, yeah. It's been a while.
1782
01:34:49,767 --> 01:34:51,935
But I know what your
situation is down there.
1783
01:34:51,936 --> 01:34:52,686
Oh really?
1784
01:34:52,687 --> 01:34:55,271
How's my situation?
1785
01:34:55,272 --> 01:34:56,898
You kidding?
1786
01:34:56,899 --> 01:35:00,068
It's perfect.
1787
01:35:01,112 --> 01:35:02,362
Oh well...
1788
01:35:02,363 --> 01:35:05,782
I'm pretty much a
dream come true.
1789
01:35:07,785 --> 01:35:11,371
Mousetrap...
1790
01:35:12,248 --> 01:35:13,540
Do we really have to...
1791
01:35:13,541 --> 01:35:14,624
No, we don't.
1792
01:35:14,625 --> 01:35:17,752
Safe word to code
word, I guess...
1793
01:35:17,753 --> 01:35:19,671
We should probably...
1794
01:35:19,672 --> 01:35:21,423
- Let's go fuck first, then
we'll meet them down there.
1795
01:35:21,424 --> 01:35:23,925
- We gotta do it now, yeah.
But we got to do it quick.
1796
01:35:23,926 --> 01:35:24,926
Call Xander, tell him
we're gonna be late.
1797
01:35:24,927 --> 01:35:27,470
- Absolutely... How long shall I
tell him we're going to be?
1798
01:35:27,471 --> 01:35:28,138
A couple of hours.
1799
01:35:28,139 --> 01:35:29,514
Really? Luck guy, aren't I.
1800
01:35:29,515 --> 01:35:31,474
- Yeah, and then we'll
still go and get married.
1801
01:35:31,475 --> 01:35:34,811
- Absolutely. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I forgot something.
1802
01:35:34,812 --> 01:35:36,855
What?
1803
01:35:39,692 --> 01:35:41,651
That.
1804
01:35:41,652 --> 01:35:42,861
Yeah.
1805
01:35:42,862 --> 01:35:43,945
Better, right?
1806
01:35:43,946 --> 01:35:45,947
So we got twenty blocks.
1807
01:35:45,948 --> 01:35:47,449
- Why didn't we
just take the bus?
1808
01:35:47,450 --> 01:35:48,366
Oh that's a good point.
1809
01:35:48,367 --> 01:35:49,367
Should we get on the bus?
1810
01:35:49,368 --> 01:35:52,370
I wonder if we can find that
route where we first did it.
1811
01:35:52,371 --> 01:35:54,205
Oh, you're such a romantic.
1812
01:35:54,206 --> 01:35:55,957
Yeah, yeah....
1813
01:35:55,958 --> 01:35:57,584
I love you.
1814
01:35:57,585 --> 01:35:59,586
I love you too.
1815
01:36:21,734 --> 01:36:24,903
Yeah. we'll be here.
1816
01:36:24,904 --> 01:36:27,614
Okay, have fun I dunno.
1817
01:36:27,615 --> 01:36:28,531
Okay, bye.
1818
01:36:28,532 --> 01:36:32,327
Um they're going to be here
in like ninety minutes.
1819
01:36:32,328 --> 01:36:34,746
When have you ever had
sex for ninety minutes?
1820
01:36:34,747 --> 01:36:35,622
With you?
1821
01:36:35,623 --> 01:36:36,164
With anybody.
1822
01:36:36,165 --> 01:36:38,166
You have not had sex
for ninety minutes?
1823
01:36:38,167 --> 01:36:41,461
- I have had actual
intercourse for ninety minutes.
1824
01:36:41,462 --> 01:36:43,630
- I bet their counting
foreplay and stuff.
1825
01:36:43,631 --> 01:36:44,714
No well, maybe they are.
1826
01:36:44,715 --> 01:36:48,384
- Frankly, I'd be shocked
if they made it at all.
1827
01:36:48,385 --> 01:36:51,095
I bet this sex thing is a ruse.
1828
01:36:51,096 --> 01:36:51,930
For what?
1829
01:36:51,931 --> 01:36:53,181
They're having trouble.
1830
01:36:53,182 --> 01:36:53,932
Cold feet.
1831
01:36:53,933 --> 01:36:54,808
Second thoughts.
1832
01:36:54,809 --> 01:36:55,558
Second thoughts?
1833
01:36:55,559 --> 01:36:57,143
They literally just
got back together.
1834
01:36:57,144 --> 01:36:59,938
- I know, but now they have to
have this whole sex thing.
1835
01:36:59,939 --> 01:37:01,105
I don't know...
1836
01:37:01,106 --> 01:37:05,360
- First of all, we had
sex at the last minute,
1837
01:37:05,361 --> 01:37:06,820
right before we got married.
1838
01:37:06,821 --> 01:37:08,238
I don't think that's true.
1839
01:37:08,239 --> 01:37:08,780
Really?
1840
01:37:08,781 --> 01:37:10,448
You don't remember
someone sneaking into
1841
01:37:10,449 --> 01:37:11,741
my room right before?
1842
01:37:11,742 --> 01:37:13,743
Who? Who? I'll murder him!
1843
01:37:13,744 --> 01:37:16,287
Text us if you're
going to do this.
1844
01:37:16,288 --> 01:37:17,914
We'll be there.
I've got the rings.
1845
01:37:17,915 --> 01:37:19,916
The whole deal,
so just ahh...
1846
01:37:19,917 --> 01:37:21,960
- We're gonna go have
sex for nine minutes.
1847
01:37:21,961 --> 01:37:24,921
- Yes, we're gonna go have
sex for nine minutes.
1848
01:37:24,922 --> 01:37:27,882
- Now I'm super happy
with four to six.
1849
01:37:27,883 --> 01:37:31,094
- Four to six minutes
or four to six inches?
1850
01:37:31,095 --> 01:37:32,303
Both.
1851
01:37:32,304 --> 01:37:34,138
- I can get to like
six and a quarter.
1852
01:37:34,139 --> 01:37:37,725
I'll show you right
now. It is so cold.
1853
01:37:37,726 --> 01:37:39,727
I can't get hard right now.
1854
01:37:39,728 --> 01:37:40,353
Just show me.
1855
01:37:40,354 --> 01:37:41,896
I can't get hard right now!
1856
01:37:41,897 --> 01:37:42,522
Alright.
1857
01:37:42,523 --> 01:37:43,773
I want to though.
1858
01:37:43,774 --> 01:37:44,190
Here...
1859
01:37:44,191 --> 01:37:45,692
- If they're gonna
be ninety minutes.
1860
01:37:45,693 --> 01:37:46,234
Will this help?
1861
01:37:46,235 --> 01:37:48,278
- Yeah, oh That's
doing something...
1862
01:37:48,279 --> 01:37:51,364
There's a kid looking at me.
1863
01:37:51,365 --> 01:37:53,199
The kid's locked eyes with me.
1864
01:37:53,200 --> 01:37:55,910
Hey. We made it work.
1865
01:37:55,911 --> 01:37:57,078
12 years!
1866
01:37:57,079 --> 01:37:58,288
Who would have thought.
1867
01:37:58,289 --> 01:38:00,248
Don't say twelve years...
1868
01:38:00,249 --> 01:38:02,000
I bet my brother seven
and I would be out.
1869
01:38:02,001 --> 01:38:04,377
I had to give
him 5000 dollars.
1870
01:38:04,378 --> 01:38:04,752
What?!
1871
01:38:04,753 --> 01:38:06,880
- Yeah. 5 years ago I
gave him 5000 dollars.
1872
01:38:06,881 --> 01:38:08,423
Remember, you were so mad.
1873
01:38:08,424 --> 01:38:08,840
Yeah!
1874
01:38:08,841 --> 01:38:11,968
- Yeah. I paid him that
because I lasted longer.
1875
01:38:11,969 --> 01:38:14,095
- You said you got
into a car accident.
1876
01:38:14,096 --> 01:38:17,682
It's weird to look
at you for this long.
1877
01:38:17,683 --> 01:38:18,850
What do you mean?
1878
01:38:18,851 --> 01:38:20,101
I never look at you.
1879
01:38:20,102 --> 01:38:23,062
Get a good gander.
1880
01:38:25,941 --> 01:38:28,568
What are you doing? Don't dance.
1881
01:38:28,569 --> 01:38:30,278
Don't dance, please.
1882
01:38:30,279 --> 01:38:32,363
I don't like it.
1883
01:38:32,364 --> 01:38:36,534
What are you... Don't
grind up on me, weirdo.
1884
01:38:36,535 --> 01:38:37,785
There's not even music.
1885
01:38:37,786 --> 01:38:38,536
Really?
1886
01:38:38,537 --> 01:38:39,746
There's music in my body.
1887
01:38:39,747 --> 01:38:40,705
- Okay, now
something's happening.
1888
01:38:40,706 --> 01:38:43,583
Let's get out of here.
Let's go back to the hotel.
1889
01:38:43,584 --> 01:38:45,084
I want to do stuff to your body.
1890
01:38:45,085 --> 01:38:47,921
Upstairs. Downstairs. Right?
1891
01:38:47,922 --> 01:38:48,922
Yeah.
1892
01:38:48,923 --> 01:38:51,507
All right.
1893
01:38:51,508 --> 01:38:53,051
I love you, honey.
1894
01:38:53,052 --> 01:38:54,385
I love you.
1895
01:38:54,386 --> 01:38:56,930
Let's go!
142975
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