Original subtitles

♪ ♪

NARRATOR: This is my boss, Jonathan Hart, a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them,

which ain't easy,

'cause when they met, it was murder.

♪ ♪

[WHIMPERS]

JENNIFER: I had the most awful dream last night.

We were, uh... We were in France, and...

You fell into this huge vat of Beaujolais.

Well, if it was a '73,

I probably never bothered to come up.

Oh, but you did.

You kept coming up and going down

and coming up again.

And every time you came up, you were a few years younger,

until finally, you were only 15 years old.

Isn't that awful?

Not if we could find the winery again.

You wanna know something?

[CHUCKLES]

I would never want to be 15 again.

You wouldn't? Why not?

Because when I was 15,

I never spent such exciting evenings.

What about the mornings?

Look over there.

Oh!

For us? Mm-hm.

What'd I do to deserve this?

You did everything.

I thought we could take a ride this morning, hm?

But I don't remember

what the weatherman predicted last night.

[LAUGHS]

That's because we only watched through the sports, remember?

♪ ♪

Tired?

No, I like riding behind you.

I hope that's a compliment.

You can be sure of it.

Did you see the license plate on that limo?

"Big Bucks."

JONATHAN: Big deal.

You know, Dominique, I don't get you.

You got everything you could want.

Clothes, jewelry.

I even got you a chauffeur to drive you around.

So, what's with the bike bit?

[SIGHS]

It's called staying in shape, Martin.

Some of us still care

what we look like with our clothes off.

[CHUCKLES]

What's wrong with that?

Thank you, Nelson.

You're quite welcome, madam.

Hey, hey. Shut the door, Nelson.

Shut the door, would you please? We're losing air conditioning.

I'm sorry, sir.

♪ ♪

Like to take a rest?

Tired? I thought you might be.

Are you kidding?

Didn't you know that women excel

in sports that require prolonged endurance?

Yeah, I've heard that women also like sports

that require great bursts of energy.

[CHUCKLES]

Boy, I could sure go for

one of Max's huevos rancheros right now.

Oh, I know what you mean.

Even the vegetation is beginning to look edible.

What about an ice cream?

I thought you'd never ask.

I'll tell you what.

I'll race you to Tony's. Loser treats.

I'll even give you a handicap.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

One day on a bike and you're already Evel Knievel.

Okay, I tell you what.

Give me a count of 30.

You got it. Now.

♪ ♪

BARNEY: Benton. Who's he kidding?

I'm doing three years hard time,

and he's in Vegas with his chick on his arm,

spending my share at the Desert Sunrise.

Look, I know.

He shoulda passed ya somethin' extra

for taking the full rap.

Yeah, but if he's gonna keep this up,

he's gonna have to pay plenty. Right, Mick?

Whatever you say, Barney. You're the big brother.

She'll be here. She comes by here every Saturday.

♪ ♪

There she is. Let's go.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Hey, you're getting a little too close!

[SCREAMS]

Don't move. Don't shout.

Don't do anything.

Hey, look, I'm sorry if I cut you off, but...

Just shut up and sit still.

Okay. Okay.

It's too hot to walk today anyway. Heh.

Just be cool, Dominique,

if you ever want to see your old man again.

Dominique?

I can't figure out what could've happened to her.

Oh, she'll be along in a minute, Mr. Hart.

Here. Thanks a lot, Tony.

See ya.

Hey, kiddo.

Did you see a lady, very good-looking,

wearing white, riding a bicycle?

No, but I wish I had.

Thanks.

♪ ♪

Did you have a nice ride, Mrs. Benton?

Yes, I did. Thank you, Nelson.

Jennifer.

Yes?

I'm sorry, but I...

I thought you were my wife.

What an intriguing possibility.

Give us a break, would ya, pal? Does she look like your wife?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, she does.

You're a lucky guy.

Hey, mister.

Hey, mister, look.

I found this bike, just like yours,

lying across the sidewalk.

Looks like someone had

a bad accident.

JONATHAN: Larry, don't make me beg.

You didn't hesitate to call me when you were in trouble.

Now, I need the favor, and I need it now.

This is Jennifer we're talking about.

You understand me?

You get back to me.

Now, lieutenant, I told you.

We ain't had no ransom call yet.

[RINGS]

Yeah?

What do ya mean you've looked everywhere?

Keep on looking. Get the word around.

You know all the right people.

I don't care what it costs.

Get to 'em.

Okay.

Right, I understand. Okay. Thanks.

Lieutenant says that usually in a kidnap case,

you hear within 24 hours.

I just can't sit around here, Max.

I'm gonna go take another look. [RINGS]

You looked already. Come on, you gotta get some rest.

Hart residence.

This is Althea Prinz, Los Angeles Tribune.

We already got two subscriptions.

Who is that?

Some dame with a phony accent called Althea Prinz.

Yeah, she's a... A gossip columnist.

She writes about celebrities and scandals

and things like that.

Mr. Hart doesn't give interviews to gossip columnists.

I am a society reporter.

Now, I insist you put Mr. Hart on the wire.

It's about his wife.

She says it's about Mrs. H.

This is Jonathan Hart.

What do you have on my wife?

Nothing as yet, Mr. Hart.

But I'd like to have

an exclusive on Jennifer's disappearance.

What disappearance?

The one I heard about from my contacts downtown.

Oh, and I thought I had friends in the police department.

Well, Ms. Prinz, let's just say that Jennifer's disappearance

was, um, let's... Let's call it "lost in action."

The police are doing everything they can to keep this quiet.

I'm sure that you will cooperate.

It will make a big difference as far as Jennifer is concerned.

You understand? Of course.

I have no desire to interfere with Mrs. Hart's safety.

But you must understand the responsibility

of the journalist to the reader.

Surely you believe in freedom of the press, Mr. Hart?

No comment.

Thank you very much, Ms. Prinz.

She isn't gonna print the story, is she?

She's made her reputation on destroying other people's.

I don't think she's going to have

a sudden attack of decency, do you?

What time is it, Max?

Don't worry. The 24 hours ain't up yet.

Did you deep-six the van? Yeah. No problem.

What's the matter, Mrs. Benton?

Not up to your usual standards?

Not like the rich food Benton's been feeding you with my money?

You should have seen the slop they fed me in the slammer.

You'd be grateful for what you got.

Go ahead, Dominique, eat.

For the twentieth time, I told you I'm not Dominique.

Then who are ya?

I'm...

I'm somebody else.

You got some ID to show you're somebody else?

Well, of course I don't have any ID.

I was bicycling, remember?

Uh-huh. Just like you do every Saturday.

But pretending is not gonna get you

out of this alive, Mrs. Benton.

Just like Marty Benkovich

pretending to be respectable Martin Benton,

don't make him any less of a slob.

You gonna eat this?

No.

Now, you just stay put, baby.

I'm gonna phone your old man

to let him know that you're all right,

for the time being.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yeah?

BARNEY: Is this Martin Benkovich?

Speakin'.

Hi, Marty. This is Barney.

Barney who?

"Barney who"?

Barney that took the rap and did the time, wise guy.

Oh. That Barney.

Yeah, we got your lovely wife here now.

I thought you'd probably want her back

as soon as we've ironed out

the financial details of this transaction.

You know, Barney, it seems what little is left of your brain

is turning to watermelon.

Very cute, Marty. You ready to talk business,

or, uh, shall I conclude this transaction right now?

I'd be just as happy to ring up a "no sale".

♪ ♪

I don't know what you're carrying on about, pal.

My lovely wife's standing right here next to me.

Don't try to con me, Benkovich. It won't work this time!

Barney, look, she's worth nothing to us dead.

Sit down!

Bet you'd like to talk to your wife.

I've been talking to her all night.

I think it's about time maybe you spoke to her.

Do me a favor. Say hi to this banana brain.

Hello, banana brain.

This is Dominique Benton.

Yeah, and this is the president of the United States.

Well, it's been delightful to talk to you, Jimmy.

But it sounds to me as if you've had one too many peanut.

She's a real doll, isn't she, Barney, pal?

To know her is to love her.

Too bad you'll never have the pleasure.

Well, it's obviously a case of mistaken identity.

What did I tell you?

Like I said. So I'll just go on home.

You don't have to drive me.

I'll get a cab or walk.

No, no, wait. I-I can... I-I can drop her, Barney.

You can drop her off a cliff. She's not going anywhere.

He's got another broad there with him.

The last time I fell for one of his tricks,

I did three years.

This time, it's gonna cost him

500 grand.

Well, it looks like, uh...

you're gonna be here for a while, Dominique,

so, look, why don't ya just...

Sit down and...

I don't know. Eat... Eat something.

♪ ♪

JONATHAN: "Wealthy Industrialist's Wife Missing."

"Although the police were reluctant to reveal the details,

a kidnapping has not been excluded."

Althea Prinz's column.

Oh, you guys suck a lot of water down there.

Aw, come on, Jonathan, give me a break.

You're really hot down there.

Aw, come on, Jonathan.

I can't keep everybody's mouth shut.

Let me ask you something.

Have you got a plan?

Do you have anything going about this?

Uh, we... We have a plan.

In a manner of speaking, we have a plan.

Look, Jonathan, it's a kidnapping.

I mean, come on, what are you gonna do?

You gotta wait for them to make

the first move, right?

When it comes to Jennifer, I make the first move.

No, Jonathan, we make the first moves

when it comes to Jennifer.

We're involved now... Then make one.

Jonathan, I would do that if you just try and trust me

a little while longer on this.

Would ya, please? Come on, Jonathan.

God, I've known you guys a long time.

I really care about Jennifer.

It's rough, I know. I'm sorry too.

Not as sorry as we'll be if anything happens to Mrs. H.

♪ ♪

Hi. Hi.

Look, I... I brought you some food that you might like better.

That other stuff is...

Oh, well, thank you. Here, let me help you.

Barney awake yet?

Barney? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, as a matter of fact,

he called your name just as you came in.

He wants his paper. Ah.

♪ ♪

You know, this broad was telling the truth.

She's not Dominique. What?

Hey!

I believed her all along.

This could turn out even better than we thought.

[DOOR CREAKING]

Hey, Dominique, come back!

Hey! Dominique, come back here!

Hey, kid!

Kid?

Listen, I really hate to do this to you...

Hey. Hey, wait. Lady.

You're not gonna understand... Wait.

Hey, wait. Lady. This is an emergency.

You know what I mean? Lady, hey!

Hey, lady! You got no brakes!

[ENGINE STARTS]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

JENNIFER: Ooh!

Oh!

I hope I know what I'm doing!

[TIRES SCREECH]

Excuse me! [HONKING]

[HONKING]

Ooh!

Whoa. Oh!

[EXHALES]

Oh.

They say the legs are the first thing to go.

Oh, hey! Hey, hey!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Oh, great! Oh!

Oh, thanks for stopping.

I need to get to a telephone.

You know, you finally convinced me.

We're gonna make a bigger killing out of this

than we thought, Mrs. Jennifer Hart.

♪ ♪

JONATHAN: Let's run over it again, okay?

MAX: Sure, Mr. H.

Jennifer never had any enemies, right?

Everybody's crazy about her.

She never hurt anybody,

or harmed anyone that I know of.

She even had me throw out that fly swatter.

It's got to be money.

It's got to be kidnapping.

But why haven't they called?

It don't figure.

Unless, Max...

Unless what, Mr. H?

Unless they think that she could be someone else.

Well, who can that be?

Big Bucks.

Yep, that's what they're gonna ask for.

No, I don't mean that.

You remember when I told ya I was in the park,

and I saw this woman in a limousine?

The lady who looked a little like Mrs. H?

She looked a lot like Mrs. H. That's gotta be it. That's it.

You still got that friend of yours

down at the Motor Vehicle Bureau?

Yeah, the one who's seen Star Wars 47 times.

Can you get her to run a license plate for us between shows?

Sure.

Uh, what is it, the plate?

Big Bucks.

Nothing like advertising, I always say.

BARNEY: My luck was due to change.

Her old man's got a lot more money than Marty, baby,

and he doesn't even know who we are.

We play this one right, we don't leave a trace.

What's your number, Jennifer Hart?

Look,

you gotta tell him.

How do I know you'll let me go?

You ain't got many choices.

You'll be safe.

I promise.

♪ ♪

Mr. Hart.

Thank you.

It's a possibility that whoever kidnapped my wife...

could have been after yours.

Any idea who that might be?

You seem like a nice fellow, Mr. Hart.

I'd like to help you out.

But I don't have a clue, you know what I mean?

Martin,

perhaps Mr. Hart is alluding to your friend.

Banana Brain.

Banana Brain?

Who's that?

That? Heh-heh.

That is no one.

He's a practical joker I know,

being cute.

Benton,

are you telling me that somebody contacted you about this,

and you're considering it to be a practical joke?

I ain't tellin' you nothing.

I mean, I don't know.

It's not a joke.

And I'm not laughing.

Look, Hart, you're disturbing my concentration here.

Nelson.

Nelson.

When you stop laughing...

I'll be expecting your phone call.

♪ ♪

MAX: Take it easy, Mr. H.

I'm right, Max.

I know I'm right,

but I just can't get a rise out of them.

[RINGING]

Hello?

BARNEY: You want to see your wife again,

you better listen.

Is Jennifer all right?

She won't be unless I have half a million in my hands

by this time tomorrow.

Well, that won't be easy.

That takes time, you know.

From what I hear,

half a million is no sweat for you, Mr. Hart.

You got 24 hours.

After that, all the money in the world won't save her.

Let me speak to Jennifer, please.

They got her, Mr. H.

Whatever we gonna do?

We'll give them the money.

Then we'll get Jennifer back.

Then I'll deal with them.

[PHONE RINGS]

Yeah?

Sure. Come on up.

Dominique?

Yeah.

She announced herself at the gate.

I really do appreciate your coming, Mrs. Benton.

I'm pretty desperate.

Oh, I'm sure I'll find some way for you to repay me.

Is there something wrong?

It's amazing.

It's incredible, the resemblance.

[CHUCKLES]

Sit down, please.

Thank you.

Can you tell me anything about this call

from Banana Brain?

Well, he couldn't have been a friend of Martin's.

Martin had a little case of the frights

after it was over.

They had Jennifer, my wife?

Evidently.

Mr. Hart,

I think that supposition of yours

about them taking her instead of me is true.

That's why I agreed to come here when you called.

Do you have any idea

why someone would wanna kidnap you?

It must have something to do with money.

But I really don't know.

You see, Martin never discusses business with me.

If they did get the money...

would they kill her?

I did hear Martin say that he didn't think...

she stood a chance with those people.

And he oughta know.

He used to be one of those people.

So you'd probably have a better chance than anyone.

Oh, now, Mr. Hart.

I agreed to help you.

I did not agree to change places with your wife.

That isn't what I had in mind.

If we could convince them

that they still have you

and they're still dealing with Benton,

that you're their hostage,

then maybe my idea might work.

My, my.

You do like to play with fire, don't you?

MAX: This plan is as full of holes as a Nantucket fishnet.

Number one, how do we get in touch

with the guys who got Mrs. H?

What's the matter, Max?

Don't you believe everything you read in the paper?

Hello, Althea Prinz, please.

This is Jonathan Hart.

ALTHEA: Mr. Hart!

This is unexpected.

Yes, well, uh, I've been thinking about what you said.

About my being so elusive?

And, uh, I want you to know that I agree with you.

Absolutely.

And I thought we could get together

and discuss it at dinner tonight.

Tonight?

Let me check my calendar.

Oh, I've found I've had a cancellation after all,

so it would be a pleasure.

Yes. I thought we could, uh,

go to L'Restaurant.

About 8:15 or 8:30?

Would that be convenient?

Eight-thirty?

Perfect.

Terrific.

Jennifer and I will enjoy seeing you.

Jennifer? But...

♪ ♪

JONATHAN: In here.

I think it's best if you wore something of Jennifer's.

Those society editors know everything she wore.

Take anything you like.

Lovely.

Which do you prefer?

Well, Jennifer looked great in everything.

But, uh...

I am rather partial to that one.

Hmm.

The prince always preferred me in black.

The prince? Yes.

My third husband.

He died before I could divorce him.

I looked sensational at the funeral.

The prince would have loved the outfit.

What about Mr. Benton?

Martin? Oh, he has horrible taste.

No, no. I mean, uh...

what do you think that Mr. Benton

will think about, uh, your helping me out?

He can be handled.

It's really fairly simple.

If he gets mad enough, he'll do anything.

How do we get him mad enough?

Oh, that's easy.

I just stay here tonight.

[PIANO PLAYING]

Good evening, Ms. Prinz.

How are you?

Very well, thank you.

Please, call me Althea.

Everyone does.

Unless they're calling me something else at the time.

You've, uh, met my wife, Jennifer?

Fleetingly.

I'll call you Althea

until something else occurs to me.

I thought it would be a real good idea

if we all got together

and rectified a few of the rumors.

I suppose you are going to want a front page retraction

on my story on Jennifer's mysterious disappearance.

That is exactly what I want.

My total credibility as a journalist

will be shattered.

Well, I'm sure you'll be able to sweep the pieces

under a rug.

Yes, a very small rug.

How are you, Mr. Hart?

Oh, good evening, Paul, how are you?

Very well, thank you.

I think we'll have the champagne tonight.

A '69. That'd be a perfect year.

Very good.

DOMINIQUE: Darling,

why don't you come over a little closer?

If you don't start acting friendlier,

Althea will think our marriage is a little shaky.

There, isn't that better?

You see, Althea,

I love this dear man so much.

You can quote me if you like.

Now, Jennifer,

you two weren't having a trial separation or anything?

Oh, no, no. Nothing like that.

That would be ridiculous.

Jennifer is the most...

wonderful woman in the world.

My life.

My wife.

Ah.

And?

And, um...

well, you're very special and a perfect person.

And?

And I love you very much.

And?

Well, what more can I say?

Don't say.

Do.

I've just had the most wonderful idea.

Why don't we get married all over again?

Get married all over again?

Mm-hm.

Why?

Because this time, I'd like to wear black.

I love it.

Yes, I thought you might.

All you Prinzes are alike.

[CHUCKLES]

[DOOR CLOSES]

We going somewhere?

BARNEY: Early in the morning,

I call her old man,

we pick up the bread, we split.

Um...

Wh-what about her?

We finish with her,

she's finished.

♪ ♪

BARNEY: "Earlier, Mrs. Hart had been erroneously named

"as a kidnap victim.

"But this reporter had the pleasure last night

"of dining with that divine woman

"and her handsome and distinguished husband

and the Harts looked as much in love as ever."

I don't like being played for a fool, Mrs. Martin Benton.

MICK: Benton will still pay a bundle for her.

Come on. Now, lady,

you're gonna get on the phone to Benton,

and you're gonna make it good,

or you're as good as dead.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it, Mr. H.

Thanks.

Well, good morning. Sleep well?

Very, thank you.

Your guest house is very comfortable.

Next time I have a fight with Martin,

I'll know where to come.

You know, looking at you, it's really amazing.

It seems like yesterday never happened.

Sort of like last night.

Speaking of Martin,

you can tell him all about it.

Right about now.

Be on the phone down there, will you?

All right, where is she?

I know she's here.

Relax, Benton.

Don't try to smooth me, Hart.

I could tell she had her antenna up for you right away.

Easy, Martin.

Come on in and sit down.

We can talk this thing over.

I oughta let you have one, you know that?

Sit down. Sit down.

All right, somebody tell me what's goin' on here.

Look, they've already got

my wife.

Now, I'm gonna pay the ransom.

But I'm worried about

is what they might do to her afterwards.

So what I'm thinking is,

if we could convince them that it's your wife,

they won't mess with you, eh?

They won't mess with Marty Benkovich.

I eat 'em up and spit those guys out.

Exactly.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Martin.

The old neighborhood's showing.

She's right, Martin.

It is your neighborhood.

And you...

You make the rules.

Hm.

Yes, I do make the rules. Yeah.

Excuse me, sir.

You have a call.

Yeah?

Hey, Marty, it's your old buddy.

You, uh, misplace anything lately?

What timing.

It's Banana Brain.

I thought you might have noticed.

Listen, big shot,

that cute little trick you pulled trying to sucker me

into thinkin' I had that Hart broad,

that's gonna cost you an extra hundred.

So I'm gonna be lookin' at 600,000.

Hey, clown, go chase yourself.

That little try at blackmail just cost you the 100 grand.

Take it or leave it.

One hour.

T & L Wrecking, Grand and 23rd.

Deal's made. One hour.

T & L Wrecking, Grand and 23rd.

I saved you a little somethin'.

I'd have been willing to pay anything.

Don't be silly. Once you cave in, they got you.

You never see that lady again.

You got a great head for figures, Mr. Benton.

Got a spot for me?

♪ ♪

JONATHAN: I'll get out here.

Watch and see that everything goes smoothly.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Okay, Mr. Benkovich.

Come halfway toward me, drop the bag,

then get going.

What about my wife?

I'm runnin' this show.

You'll get yours when I'm good and ready.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Go get it.

It's all here.

Bring it in.

♪ ♪

Hey, Banana Brain.

[GUNSHOT]

It's all over, big brother.

The hell it is.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Hey! What's going on?

Put me down! Get me down from here!

Throw out your gun and the money!

Jonathan!

Jonathan!

JONATHAN: Are you all right?

Uh-huh.

MARTY: Tsk, tsk, tsk.

You all right?

Mm-hm.

Be careful, you're gonna get dirty.

You know what I mean?

Oh, Marty.

♪ ♪

Well, I guess one good turn deserves another, huh?

I certainly have enjoyed meeting your husband.

And you.

[MOUTHS] Oh.

It's really amazing.

Mm.

I don't believe what I'm looking at.

You?

You're looking at 20 years to life.

That's what you're lookin' at.

JENNIFER: I guess everybody

was really amazed how much we looked alike.

Well, there is an incredible resemblance.

I can tell you that.

Now, tell... Now...

tell me the truth.

Didn't you ever once

think that maybe it was me?

Well, uh...

there was one point.

When you kissed her?

Well, I had to kiss her

because I had to make it look good in front of Althea.

Did she, uh?

Kiss like me?

To tell you the truth, darling, I honestly don't remember, my...

My lips were next to hers,

but my heart was always with you.

Aw.

What a lovely thing to say.

Thanks.

You're absolutely sure

she didn't kiss anything like me.

Honestly, darling, I...

I really don't remember.

Try.

Mm-hm.

Yeah. What?

There is a similarity. Really?

Let me try once more.

Mm.

It's the physiognomy.

Jonathan, this sounds like we're in a biology class.

And there's only one way to get out of that.

How?

Jonathan.

Advanced studies.

♪ ♪