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This week...
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Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Howard Cosell.
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Today we explore the
phenomenon that is Race War I...
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billed as the race to end all races,
for the races and by the races.
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Is it racist? You better believe it is.
I'm told we can expect to see
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every color of people in the rainbow ...
the blacks, the browns, the whites,
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- the reds, the purple and yellows.
- Hey! What about the negroes?
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- Negro, hush!
- Racing from Los Angeles to New York City.
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The prize ... a superior race trophy,
as well as bragging
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rights to being the official race
of the upcoming olympic games in Munich.
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Finally a way to show everyone
in town that the Black Race is the baddest
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- mother [bleep] around.
- Black Dynamite's been racing against
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the man his whole life, and it ain't never
been televised. This sounds ridiculous.
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I don't know.
"The black superior race" does got a nice ring to it.
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I mean, if somebody from the black
race wins the race war, they will
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be on the cover of magazines,
newspapers, and even the wheaties box.
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- Imagine eating some black wheaties!
- "Black wheaties"? Come on!
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I'm with Black Dynamite.
That sounds stupid.
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Ain't that right, Black Dynamite?
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Not necessarily. Being on the wheaties
box might be just the thing Black Dynamite
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needs to put the man away once and for all ...
and with a trophy to prove it.
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Racer Rex, the Caucasian for the occasion.
You are representing the
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genetically inferior white man in America
who has stolen practically everything in this
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country, including this country.
Do you think you can steal this race, too?
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Well, Howard, the white man
will do whatever it takes to win.
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I will lie, cheat, and steal
my way all across that [bleep] damn
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finish line just like we've done for thousands
of years. And if you don't believe me,
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- just check the history.
- Are you worried that you might lose your title
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- to a darker competitor, such as the blacks?
- Hell, no, Howard.
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The black are too busy hanging out in Roscoe's
all day eating chicken and watching TV.
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Mmm!
Somebody need to teach that
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racist cracker a lesson!
And everybody loves chicken!
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We need a black man that
can drive a car fast and whup some ass!
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Somebody that the
black community can depend on!
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Somebody who's super bad
and out-of-sight, black and dynamite.
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I don't know about
y'all, but I'm drawing a blank.
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Who could we get? You know
anybody black, Black Dynamite?
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What about a young Bill Cosby?
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- Ooh! Or Sidney Poitier?
- That's it! I went to school with
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Ooh, what about Billy
Dee Williams with his fine ass?
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- Oh, yes! That'll be perfect.
- I got an idea.
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How about y'all stop acting like Black Dynamite
ain't sitting here listening to you call out
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all these old, blind, weak, Colt 49, malt-liquor
drinking mother [bleep] when you know I'm
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the only one in the damn race
that can win the race for his race?
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Uhh, never mind, Sidney Poitier.
Black Dynamite it is.
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- Black Dynamite.
- CIA operative and third-generation
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inventor George Washington Carver III,
a.k.a. "G"? What are you doing here?
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Well, I was on my way to Roscoe's to
get some peanut butter brittle and chicken
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00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:43,042
gizzards, but then I heard on the radio
that you was racing in the Race War.
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- Ooh, mm-hmm.
- You remember your old partner, don't you?
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Eartha K-I-T-T,
is that you, baby? You look ...
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Purr-fect, yes, I know, I know.
I have to admit I'm pretty
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excited to get you...
back inside me.
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I see this K.I.T.T.
still purrs like a pussycat.
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Ooh, this pussy roars now,
Black Dynamite.
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Go ahead, get in. Pop that tranny ...
of course, I mean "transmission."
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Mm-hmm, Black Dynamite.
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- That was just the tip, baby. Just the tip.
- Uh-huh. You like that, don't you?
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She got a new and improved good power "U."
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00:04:26,202 --> 00:04:30,917
She is now fully equipped with
everything you need. Machine guns...
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surface-to-air missiles...
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and she squirts.
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I'm telling you, Black Dynamite,
the bitch is bad.
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And not "bad" meaning bad,
but "bad" meaning "good."
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George Washington Carver III,
you are one scientific mother [bleep]
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Agent Carver. It's Agent Dennis Flynn.
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I can see you, mother [bleep] go ahead.
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I have an update on code:
Missing Menthol "X".
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- Y'all found my shit ?
- Of course not, but our intel suggests
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it is most likely an inside or outside job.
But no definitive word either way yet.
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00:05:07,855 --> 00:05:10,854
Man, what kind of intel is that?
Get the [bleep] out my car!
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Code: Missing Menthol "X"?
Sounds like some top-secret heavy, G.
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Well, I developed a
series of secret menthol
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00:05:16,355 --> 00:05:18,833
derivatives, and the 10th
one is called Menthol "X."
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Menthol "X" is so powerful, when inhaled,
it can be used to control minds.
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- And it's ex-screamly addictive.
- Makes me want to do what you say
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- just thinking about it ... go on.
- Well, somebody stole all of it from my lab,
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and I hope we find out who before
it falls in the wrong hands.
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00:05:33,368 --> 00:05:36,533
- Hmm. The man's hands.
- What? Why is everything "the man" with you, huh?
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Uh, Black Dynamite, we should go, baby.
We have a race to win.
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00:05:40,426 --> 00:05:43,546
Yeah, I guess I should get out of here
and let you two love birds be alone.
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00:05:43,547 --> 00:05:46,667
Good luck, Black Dynamite.
Or, as my great grandaddy said, "bust a nut."
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Solid.
And I'll keep my eyes open for
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that Menthol "X."
Now, before I drop you off, one question, G ...
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- what's this Button do?
- Huh. You know, I'm not really ...
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00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:07,000
I think you're in the wrong line.
The colored line is over yonder.
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00:06:07,035 --> 00:06:10,542
No, I think you're in the wrong line.
This is the "cracker getting your ass whooped
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00:06:10,577 --> 00:06:13,958
- for [bleep] with Black Dynamite" line.
- You really think you the best
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- your race has to offer, boy?
- Now, look here, honky doodle dandy.
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Black Dynamite used to be a children, but
he ain't never been a boy, can you dig it?
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Now, I suggest you shut the [bleep]
up when grown folks is registering!
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Why don't you just go back to your
ghetto with the rest of your race and keep
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fighting and complaining about the
white man while we keep kicking your ass?
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Go ahead. Hit me, Black Dynamite.
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- I ain't scared of you, boy!
- Hey, hey, hey. Guys,
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save your overt racism for the Race War.
Your gonna get disqualified!
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- Geez, I spilled my coffee.
- I'm begging you, man. Go ahead.
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Hit me, Black Dynamite.
Hit me.
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This [bleep] gonna be easier
than slavery! And twice as fun!
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00:06:49,785 --> 00:06:55,292
This is Howard Cosell. And I am here
with the heavyweight champion of the world,
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- Mr. Muhammad Ali, a.k.a. Cassius Clay.
- Mm, Howard Cosell, you keep
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00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,958
calling me Clay, and I'm gonna make it
look like your toupee took a [bleep]
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- between your shoulders.
- Very funny, champ. But how do you feel about the
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- white man being favored to win, as he most often does?
- Howard, as the honorable
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Elijah Muhammad say, "the white man's days
are over!" Somebody needs to go ahead and
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00:07:16,327 --> 00:07:20,250
retire his whole race, or I'm gonna
have to do it myself once and for all.
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- I am the greatest of all time!
- Champ, your often-repeated claim of total
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superiority has been noted.
There you have it, folks. A lot of racial pride and
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tension is riding on this one.
Let's go to the starting line.
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First we have the red Chinese,
Dr. Wu's Tang Clan.
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I don't know much
about them, but something tells me the
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Wu's Tang Clan ain't
nothing to [bleep] with.
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Next up we have the Japanese.
Take note ...
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they're exactly like the Chinese,
except the women have sideways vaginas.
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00:07:53,285 --> 00:07:58,042
And next we have the native Americans,
a.k.a. the Little Injuns that could.
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By the way,
"hai-yai-yai-yai, hai-yai-yai-yai,"
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translates into, "I'm an alcoholic.
Now, please, take all my land."
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00:08:05,476 --> 00:08:07,333
And now the Eskimos.
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00:08:07,368 --> 00:08:13,250
I'm told they have 100 words for snow,
but I only need two words to describe them ...
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"frozen wetbacks."
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00:08:14,402 --> 00:08:19,467
And finally the real greatest of all time,
white America's favorite racer, Racer Rex!
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Howard, you know the only difference
between Racer Rex and a snake?
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One's a slimy, venomous, filthy
creature, and the other one's a snake.
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00:08:26,368 --> 00:08:29,542
Last and certainly not least,
the champ's personal pick, the black
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race's black racer, Black Dynamite.
I haven't had that much black in
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my mouth since accidentally tripping and
falling face-first onto Rosey Grier's crotch.
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Driving the lovely miss Eartha K.I.T.T.,
sponsored by Roscoe's popcorn shrimp
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and twinkies.
"Roscoe's ... a negro's got to eat."
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Fiendish Dr. Wu. I'd about forgotten
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- you even had a racer in this race war.
- Well, I do, Black Dynamite.
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And I would tell you why. But good storytelling
dictates that I withhold the reveal till
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later so I could build dramatic
tension! I hope you win!
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Man, this one's for the ghetto,
so put your pedal to the metal.
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Y'all can vote for Black Dynamite
if you want, but since
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we can't get Sidney P. and Billy D.,
I'm putting my money on the white boy.
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And today's Race War is bought
to you by McDevil's, Murder King, and
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the Notorious B.I.G. Tobacco,
the official sponsors of Race War I.
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Bringing people together
by tearing each other apart.
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And Racer Rex jumps the gun!
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And that's how you start a race war!
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Just like the white man,
cheating and looking for a beating.
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I love it!
Just like old times, huh, baby?
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It's exactly like old times, except it was
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a whole different time
and you was a whole different car
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and we was never in a Race War.
But besides that, it feels exactly the same.
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00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:26,375
- I'll tell you what ... them Asians never could drive.
- That's a very racist thing
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- to say on a very racist day.
- Is that all the Dynamite you got, boy?
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Oh, he did not just call him "boy."
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- I heard that from up here.
- They do say you negroes have an extra bone in your
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- leg and an extra drum in your ear.
- Ooh, I've waited so long for this.
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That's what I'm talking about!
Give it to me, baby! Give me everything you've got!
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- I'll give you an extra bone, Howard.
- This is no place for prison threats.
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Let's enjoy the race.
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00:11:03,860 --> 00:11:06,750
- Black Dynamite, what are you doing?
- Black Dynamite ain't
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00:11:06,785 --> 00:11:10,250
never lost a game of chicken in his
whole life, and he damn sure ain't gonna
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- lose now, especially to a white-meat turkey!
- You like playing chicken, boy?
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I do, too, but, hell,
everybody loves chicken!
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00:11:19,118 --> 00:11:22,458
In a game of chicken,
it's certain Black Dynamite will win.
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00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:27,570
Oh, Black Dynamite! Ohh!
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00:11:27,571 --> 00:11:31,250
I can't take it baby!
It's too much!
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Damn it, K.I.T.T.!
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00:11:41,084 --> 00:11:46,089
Sometimes the white man wins,
and sometimes the white man w-i-i-i-ins!
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"Ariva-dirty," Black Dynamito!
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00:11:54,885 --> 00:11:58,692
Damn it, K.I.T.T.,
what the hell was that about?
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00:11:58,693 --> 00:11:59,693
K.I.T.T.?
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00:12:01,251 --> 00:12:04,817
Hmm, Eartha K-I-T-T,
you used to purr like a pussycat,
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00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:09,150
but now you're just a cold, dead pussy.
And there's only one way to jump-start
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00:12:09,192 --> 00:12:14,483
a cold, dead pussy. And that's with a slow jam
and 1,000 watts of Black Dynamite.
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Can you dig it?
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00:12:27,370 --> 00:12:29,456
Mmm.
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00:12:33,703 --> 00:12:38,483
Oh, I never dreamed it
coud be like this. Ooh.
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- Ooh, yeah!
- Whose car is this?
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00:12:43,893 --> 00:12:46,525
- Whose car is this?
- It's your car, Daddy!
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00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:49,480
It's your car! It's yours,
it's yours, it's yours, it's yours!
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00:12:49,554 --> 00:12:52,650
It's your car, Daddy!
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00:12:54,685 --> 00:13:00,150
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to let you down.
That's why you left the CIA.
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It wasn't the honkies.
It was me, wasn't it, Black Dynamite?
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00:13:02,893 --> 00:13:06,284
Of course it was the honkies,
Eartha K.I.T.T. Without you, I couldn't have
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00:13:06,366 --> 00:13:08,696
made it through the CIA.
I need you, baby.
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00:13:08,809 --> 00:13:13,962
- Ohh. Oh, Black Dynamite, I love you!
- I know you do. Now, let's get back
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00:13:13,997 --> 00:13:17,608
out there and win this race war for the black man ...
and the bitches who love him.
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00:13:23,938 --> 00:13:27,525
Black is back as Dynamite
breaks away from the Puerto Ricans.
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00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:32,483
Puerto Ricans, Mexicans ... if you're brown-skinned
and you can swim, well, you're a Mexican!
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00:13:32,518 --> 00:13:36,117
Black Dynamite's back in the
race, and he done returned to grace with
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00:13:36,222 --> 00:13:40,542
steps retraced. And now he's taking 3rd
place, and soon he'll be telling that
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00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:44,742
no-good peckerwood Racer Rex,
"in your face," with all upper case!
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00:13:44,811 --> 00:13:48,483
And that [bleep] right there will
be his coup de grace! Disgrace.
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00:13:48,518 --> 00:13:51,608
- First base. Space, place, face ...
- Sorry to interrupt you,
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00:13:51,643 --> 00:13:56,567
Bullhorn, but as many words that rhyme
with "race," we'll be here all damn day.
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00:14:06,812 --> 00:14:12,608
Now, if he can catch that light-speed
devil of the racetrack, Racer Rex.
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00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:18,623
Go, baby! Go!
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00:14:19,768 --> 00:14:23,358
I heard the Indians almost didn't
enter the race. Someone offered them
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00:14:23,393 --> 00:14:26,492
a blanket and a handful of beads.
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00:14:26,493 --> 00:14:29,046
Black Dynamite just pulled
the old rope-a-dope on them.
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00:14:29,047 --> 00:14:31,275
That paleface better
watch his red neck, Howard.
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00:14:31,310 --> 00:14:35,275
When they called you "the modern day
Shakespeare," they're calling you that because
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00:14:35,310 --> 00:14:38,858
- you literally shake a spear.
- I'm warning you, Howard. Don't you say "Chuck."
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00:14:38,893 --> 00:14:42,400
All right, boys, try
a little smallpox on for size.
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00:14:47,856 --> 00:14:50,275
And down goes Injun Joe!
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00:14:50,310 --> 00:14:54,275
I have to admit, that was pretty ingenious.
Authentic white man evil at its
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00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:57,650
finest right there. They took it
back to the 1800s with that one!
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00:14:57,685 --> 00:14:59,810
Black Dynamite and
Eartha K.I.T.T. have just
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crossed the New York state
line and are on a rampage.
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Your boy Racer Rex is in first,
followed by the Japanese Yakuza twosome.
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My man black Dynamite is in 3rd,
and in 4th place, the wild card
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- from parts unknown, Dr. Wu's Tang Clan.
- It's any race's race, except
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of course any of the inferior races who
have already proven themselves total losers.
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These yakuza mother [bleep] got throwing
stars! And they throwing them! You okay?
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I think so, I'm with you, Black Dynamite!
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What the [bleep] are you doing?!
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I'm coming down to do it myself!
You're ass is gl-a-a-ass!
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K.I.T.T., what's the lowdown on these
Chinese old, dirty bastards anyway?
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Um, I think they are known as Dr. Wu's
Tang Clan, notorious henchmen
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- for fiendish Dr. Wu.
- Why the hell would he be helping me?
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Why are you asking me? I mean, how
should I know? I mean, maybe they just
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- like you or something.
- K.I.T.T., I know when you're hiding
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something from me. I can hear it
in your speaker. Now, lay it on me.
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Oh, Black Dynamite, you're right,
I could never lie to you, baby.
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It's not in my program. I
wanted to be with you again,
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and they offered me money, so I...
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Wait, who offered you money,
and what did they offer you money for?
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Fiendish Dr. Wu ...
he wantd a car to transport Menthol "X."
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00:16:46,107 --> 00:16:48,817
Menthol "X"? That's the
brain-washing, addictive chemical that
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- G. Carver told me about.
- Dr. Wu just sold it to the B.I.G. Tobacco company so they
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can make a super cigarette that will make
everyone who smokes them a mindless addict.
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But Dr. Wu is really only using them as
pawns in his plan for world domination!
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All right. Just so that everybody's clear,
fiendish Dr. Wu is using this
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Race War to smuggle Menthol "X"
across the country to B.I.G. Tobacco?
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- Yes.
- Well, where is it?
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00:17:08,252 --> 00:17:10,532
- Well, uh...
- Tell me where it is K.I.T.T.,
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- and who has it hid!
- You have it, Black Dynamite. It's in my trunk.
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You're sitting on it!
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00:17:19,149 --> 00:17:23,366
- Bitch, what did you just say?
- I'm sorry, Black Dynamite!
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- K.I.T.T., how could you do this to me?
- I did it for us. It was our last chance
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to be together. We gave our
best years to the spy life.
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Now why shouldn't we live the high life?
All we have to do is win, and
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- we're home free!
- There's no way I'd win this race if it means
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selling out my own community, and I
could never be a pawn for Dr. Wu, the man,
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or any other diabolical, domineering
mother [bleep] can you dig it?
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00:17:42,572 --> 00:17:44,697
Oh, Dynamite, don't be stupid.
The community doesn't care
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about you. The only thing
I'm fighting for is us.
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00:17:47,788 --> 00:17:51,753
Let's win the money, deliver the
Menthol, and run as far as we can.
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We'll buy an island and pave a road all
around it, then drive until I'm rusty
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00:17:55,629 --> 00:17:58,449
- and you're gray. Wouldn't that be beautiful?
- Hell, no!
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Black Dynamite would never [bleep] a car.
And even if I could,
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- it would be my Cadillac!
- Oh... is that right? Stupid me.
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I should've known.
My girlfriend Christine says
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you all do this!
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Eartha K.I.T.T.,
slow down and turn off the damn heat!
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You think this is hot? Well, it's
not half as hot as it's about to get!
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You are going to win this race,
and we are going to live happily...
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00:18:26,643 --> 00:18:29,617
ever... after!!
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Pull over and get
the [bleep] out of the car!
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K.I.T.T., I knew underneath all this
metal and iron, you was just one crazy bitch!
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Yeah? Well, I'm going to
show you one c-r-r-razy bitch!
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- Can your cadillac bitch do this?
- Eartha K.I.T.T., no!
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♪ All we are saying ♪
♪ is Race wars are wrong ♪
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00:18:55,393 --> 00:18:58,025
John Lennon, it ain't your time yet!
Look out!
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00:19:12,168 --> 00:19:16,317
[bleep] damn asian drivers!
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00:19:20,392 --> 00:19:25,233
As usual, everything come down to
black and white.
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00:19:25,268 --> 00:19:28,358
Isn't it amazing?
Black Dynamite's car is colored black.
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00:19:28,393 --> 00:19:32,009
It's colorblack.
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00:19:32,010 --> 00:19:33,817
Say it one more time.
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00:19:33,852 --> 00:19:37,025
- Go ahead, Howard. One more time.
- Black.
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- It's getting tense out there.
- Huh?
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00:19:41,893 --> 00:19:44,192
It's too late! You're going to win,
Black Dynamite!
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00:19:44,227 --> 00:19:47,667
Eartha K.I.T.T., as much as Black
Dynamite wants to be on the cover of
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a wheaties box, Black Dynamite would
rather lose this race than lose his race.
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- Bye, bitch!
- Noooo!
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00:19:58,727 --> 00:20:01,608
I don't get these coloreds, but
they sure do love the taste of Menthol.
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00:20:01,643 --> 00:20:04,860
And as soon as I get my hands on it ...
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00:20:07,393 --> 00:20:12,358
- Black Dynamite, you ain't [bleep].
- Ooh! Suey!
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00:20:12,393 --> 00:20:15,554
- Suey! Suey! Suey! Suey! Suey!
- Wh... oh.
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00:20:15,555 --> 00:20:18,192
Suey!
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00:20:18,227 --> 00:20:22,572
Black Dynamite wins! The black race
is the greatest race of all time!
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00:20:22,573 --> 00:20:25,917
Put that in your toupee
and smoke it, Howard Cosell!
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That doesn't even make
any sense, but I
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acknowledge your joy as
well as your tendency to glut.
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- A black man has won the Race War.
- Before we go, I've just received
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word from Don King that there will be
a Race War II and many more to come.
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- I'm Muhammad Ali.
- And I'm Howard Cosell.
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00:20:43,159 --> 00:20:47,792
Good night and god ...
Ow! The pain is excruciating.
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You and me, baby. You and me.
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Forever!
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Hunh! Su... suey?
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We did it,
Black Dynamite, we did it! We won!
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You whupped every races' asses!
You was the blackest and the
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fastest! You put Racer Rex in his
place and made us the superior black race!
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00:21:18,810 --> 00:21:21,358
Told you it got a nice ring to it.
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00:21:21,393 --> 00:21:25,019
And look what I got,
Black Dynamite! Uh-huh!
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I'm gonna eat me some Billy Dee
Williams wheaties tonight! Unh!
29675
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