Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats: All The Best Bits

from... Tom Allen...

..Johnny Vegas...

..Paisley Billings...

..Fred Sirieix...

..Anna Richardson...

..Liam Charles...

..Suzi Ruffell...

..Joe Swash...

..Russell Kane...

..Judi Love...

..Finn Taylor...

..Ed Gamble...

..and Rob Beckett, their team captain.

And facing them tonight,

Stacey Solomon...

..Alex Brooker...

..Natasha Demetriou...

..Richard Osman...

..Dotty...

..Rylan Clark-Neal...

..Kiri Pritchard-McClean...

..Nish Kumar...

..Tom Read Wilson...

..Daisy Adams...

..Sophie Duker...

..Angela Barnes...

..Catherine Bohart...

..and their guest team captains,

Katherine Ryan...

..Sara Pascoe...

..Kerry Godliman...

..Josh Widdicombe...

..and Aisling Bea.

Now, welcome your host...

..Jimmy Carr!

CHEERING

Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats: Best Bits,

a show about surveys, statistics and the best bits from the last series.

Did you know, for example...

..one in four Americans didn't read a book last year?

Probably because they were too busy reading other stuff -

like menus.

One in five women talk to their mum at least once a day.

And not just women. I talk to your mum at least three times a day.

Although £3 a minute is expensive.

And 17% of Brits have had sex on a dining table.

Turn over. It's time for pudding.

Right, let's get started.

What Are You Talking About? That is the name of our first round.

It is our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three

most popular talking points.

Rob's team, what do you think the nation has been talking about this week?

Well, it must be the new Brexit developments.

I don't know much about this,

but I think this might go down as one of the worst Brexits ever.

The extensions... All I hear is extension this, extension that.

I'm so annoyed with it. I don't even go in my conservatory any more.

It's an extension.

I think Donald Tusk, who I can only assume is a cartoon elephant,

he called it flextension.

And the flextension is meant to be till June 30th, and that just

doesn't work for me, because it's my birthday and Cheryl Cole's birthday.

And people will be having barbecues.

The next day no-one is going to be in any fit state to

fight for diabetes medicine in Dover. It's not a good day!

June 30th is also when Glastonbury ends,

which I think is a really good time,

because I think it will make the transition easier,

because you'll just have been living in a tent, shitting in the woods,

eating out of tins, and then you go to no-deal Brexit, which will be exactly the same,

except you won't have to listen to George Ezra.

Listen, Jimmy, just between you and me, right,

I've said some real bad stuff about Brexit,

cos I think it's a really bad idea.

And I'm a bit worried now that it's happening

they're going to deport me.

I basically need to roll some of that back.

Leave means leave. I hate all European food.

I just want to eat sausage and mash and fish and chips,

and I just want it to get all bunged up in my bowels,

and I just want to feel blockages,

cos there should be no freedom of movement, whether it's goods

and people across the border

or faeces coming out of my anus!

Can we just take a moment there to enjoy the punch line -

"faeces coming out of my anus"?

Do you reckon they might row about whether it's Brecksit or Breggsit?

I always say Brecksit. Yes, but a lot of politicians say Breggsit.

What do you call it?

Fucking huge mistake.

OK. What else are people talking about? Buzz in.

BUZZER What have you got?

Is it Notre Dame burning?

I happen to know you were in France last week? Yes, I was in Paris.

Well done. I smoked one blunt under the spire...

It's not my fault they don't have an ashtray.

It isn't even that old. That spire...

"Oh, my God, history is burning down!"

It was rebuilt in, like, 1973! It's like... No...

No, it's bollocks. I'm having it out now.

But... they keep going, "All this history!"

It is like Trigger's broom. They keep rebuilding it!

It's had about 15 spires!

JIMMY GUFFAWS He's gone!

Oh... It's so... It's like we've turned up the South London

this week somehow.

SOUTH LONDON ACCENT: "Notre Dame? Think it's old, do you?

"Trigger's broom, mate.

"Those stained glass windows? I sold 'em that double glazing!"

Suzi, what age were you when you moved out?

I was 18 as well. And never moved back?

No, I go back a bit now, but every time I go home now,

my mum's like, "Oh, you treat this place like a hotel."

And so I did what any of us would have done -

I left a bad TripAdvisor review.

Two stars. "The maid was very rude."

Do you know what I do in hotels? Yeah. I...

I'm revealing too much today. I don't know what's happened - I've had truth juice.

If I'm in a hotel, I will trim my pubes there.

What?!

Oh, mate!

So, do you bring the scissors or do you order down to reception?

No, I've got a beard trimmer. What?

If I do it at home it's a bit of a mess

and you can never clear it all up.

A bit of wind, it's everywhere, innit?

If your mum walked in and you're trimming your pubes,

that can't be great. No, it's not ideal.

At least she knows you're tidy.

When your mum says, "Go upstairs and have a tidy round..."

..I don't think she means that.

And if she does, definitely move out.

Do you manscape, Josh? I don't, actually.

Do you think I should get into it?

Well, I just think... I'm looking at your hair.

I'm imagining downstairs is...

I imagine it's like a pistachio in a... in a bird's nest.

You've never...? You've never trimmed your pubes?

No, but I'm gonna as soon as I get home. You're gonna...

It's gonna be... It's a whole new world for you, mate.

So, where do you start?

Well, wherever there's hair.

So, you just go full skinhead?

No, you can do as much as you want off, like.

You've got to be careful of the nuts, though, because...

..sometimes they fall between the teeth of the blade.

How small are your nuts?!

Teeny little...

Rob, what do you think the nation have been talking about?

Is it Julian Assange? Oh...

I do like that name. I like saying it.

Ass-annnnge.

Basically, he's been arrested.

He's been removed from the Ecuadorian embassy.

They had to get rid of him.

Imagine, like, getting a job at the embassy.

It's your first day. They are like,

"OK, so, there's a photocopier there. That's the kitchen.

"Oh, yeah, see that bloke there?

"Don't worry about him - he's just rubbing shit on the walls

"and he's been accused of sexual assault.

"He lives there. It's fine, it's fine."

Do you think, while Assange was in there,

like obviously they took his Wi-Fi away, didn't they, so he couldn't

get involved in any of that?

I wondered if he needed to get his whistle-blowing fix.

If he was like leaving Post-it notes on the fridge,

like, "It was Barbara who stole your milk, Dave." Just to...

You really know those Ecuadorian names.

Barbara and Dave. You know, the Ecuadorians.

OK, Aisling's team.

What have the nation been talking about this week?

Oh, it must be Extinction Rebellion.

All of the stuff that's going on with climate change.

I know you're not too worried about it, Jimmy.

You'll never biodegrade. But...

..people are finally waking up to what is going on in the environment.

And it was... It has gone on for quite a while in terms of being a protest.

It started off with people like, "Oh, what is this?"

Then people got annoyed. "You're getting in the way. I'm trying to get to work."

Then people were like, "Maybe they have a point.

"Here's a 16-year-old girl. What's she saying?" And now people are so into it.

It's very much the same emotional journey I go on

when I eat monkey nuts on Halloween. I can't have enough of it.

I'm so obsessed by it. Why do you have monkey nuts on Halloween?

Everyone has monkey nuts on Halloween.

Pumpkins and sweets - sure.

Monkey nuts - never heard of it.

This feels like some weird Irish thing that you didn't realise...

I've only just discovered that.

Because of the silence of the audience

when I said, "Monkey nuts on Halloween."

What you mean by monkey nuts? Do you mean...?

Those little ones that look like you feed 'em to elephants.

Guys, I know climate change is pressing,

but now it feels like there's a bigger issue here at play.

Stacey, you doing your bit for climate change? What are you doing?

Yeah, we recycle,

and we try and wear the same clothes all the time.

You've got kids. Are you worried about the next generation?

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

I mean, what kind of question is that, Jimmy?

APPLAUSE

We had an answer.

CHEERING

Rob's team, what do you think are the best things Europe has given us?

I mean, food's got to be up there.

Do you like European food? What's your favourite?

I'm not a big fan of European food. I prefer British food.

What sort of thing?

Nando's, Cafe Rouge. Zizi's...

Proper stuff. Yeah, proper stuff.

European food, what do you think?

No disrespect, but too many cheeses in France.

Too many cheeses? We've got cheddar. We've got... the orange one.

Dairylea. Dairylea.

Cheestrings. Laughing Cow. Wotsits.

The one with the cow, yeah. Quavers. Quavers.

We don't need all the other ones.

Brexit means Brexit!

Now, we all like pizza, right? We all like pizza.

There's some unusual ways of eating it. Take a look at this.

Until he turned round I thought it was going straight through

the back of his head. Passing it through.

Could you do that? Could I do that? I could do that.

Excellent. Hang on. I've got pizzas. No... Oh, my God.

Pass it over. Lovely.

APPLAUSE

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, that's massive! I don't like...

Hang on... Oh, my... Is this like a proper Italian?

I think someone's left it in the garden, Jimmy.

You're taking the veg off?!

Oh, you are so South London!

If it was any good,

they would have chopped it up and put it in the sauce.

I've got to try and do this in one go?

You've got to try and get that in one.

Oh, my God. Hang on.

I think he can do it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my God!

That's it for part one. See you after the break.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we are still trying to guess

our favourite thing to do on a mobile phone. Rob's team,

what do you think Britain likes to do on its mobile phone?

Is it messaging people there? WhatsApping?

Yeah, WhatsApp's a big... Messenger.

The worst thing on a WhatsApp is, when you are in, like,

a stag do group, and then it comes up, the no-name numbers.

And all you know about them, no name,

but just a picture of them holding a massive carp. Yeah.

Oh, no!

These girls are all just pointed to this lad when you said that.

I'm in a WhatsApp group that was called the Three Musketeers.

It was with my two best friends.

And then it was called Two Musketeers And One Dick

after a night out that I don't remember.

I think administrators have too much power in a WhatsApp group.

Because it is a brutal place. "Hey guys, it's my birthday!"

And it's like, "Rob left." Oh.

The only thing worse than being added into a WhatsApp group

is finding out there's one you're not in,

which means they're slagging you off. Yeah. The side group.

Terrifying. Are you in the female comedians WhatsApp?

That is a loaded question. No!

So there's a female comedians WhatsApp.

I know, I know, I'm in it, but I'm deep undercover.

Hang on, hang on, who's in this group, then? Like, everyone...

Just all the really funny female comedians.

All the really funny female comedians that Sarah's friends with

who are in the group, and then there's you. Look, you're going to

get added and you're not going to like it.

I don't want a pity add.

I'll add you, and I'll be like,

"guess who was really great on TV tonight?"

And I'll say, "New number, who's this?

My thing with social media is, I do think it's making us

slightly more anxious.

So it's hard to do this, but try to live your life -

just try it for a day by this maxim -

if I did it in real life, what would the consequences be?

So you wouldn't draw back your curtains

and show your baby in the bath to a street full of strangers and go,

"You, man with your hand in the pockets,

"would you like my baby?"

Girls, you wouldn't run into Asda and go,

"Everyone stop shopping! look at my smoky eye."

No, of course not. That's somebody who needs counselling.

Tagging yourself into hospital without explanation

is one of the cruellest things I've ever seen.

"Russ is at Southend Hospital." "Why?" Guess!

do you know what I can't bear, as well? The fake boasting.

Oh, I'm so happy with my new sofa.

And it's nothing to do with the sofa. She is in a bikini.

It's like, "Who likes my new sofa? Oh, my God."

My flap's come out, I can't believe it. Oh, no.

A cartoon dog face on... HE BARKS

If you've got a cartoon dog face and your fanny out on the internet

and you're 35, get help!

Or get paid for it.

LAUGHTER That's what I was thinking!

OK, fingers on buzzers. One more thing to get.

What else are people talking about this week? Tom Allen.

Sorry, I felt like I was touching your penis. That's fine.

That's the sound it makes! Is it?

BUZZER SOUND

I recover quick, though. Yeah.

I imagine your wife is a lights-out person.

APPLAUSE

She's more of an "I've got a headache" person. OK.

Tom, what do you think?

Is there a news that there's a fear that the UK may face

a water shortage in 25 years? Shit, sorry!

Sorry? Is it? How embarrassing. I didn't know!

They said one of the ways you can save water is by turning

the tap off when you brush your teeth.

I mean, yours'll rust up.

LAUGHTER

Little dig for no reason there! No reason. You've got a lovely face.

Stupid teeth, but lovely...

How is the UK making fun of Rob's beautiful teeth?

Like you guys know teeth in any way.

Have any of you ever been to a dentist?

Also, you're not running out of water. Hello? It's the UK.

It rains more here than in a Seal video. Get a bucket!

Leave Rob alone!

I can't believe... people are genuinely worried about this,

but it's a water shortage in 25 years' time. Rich, are you worried?

What, 25 years' time? No, not really.

Every time it rains, I'm getting at first, so I'm fine.

I'm excited about the hot weather, Jimmy,

because I'm regularly seen in a bikini in my garden passed out,

but in when it's hot out, fewer people call child services.

See, I'm going to be skinning out. As soon as the sun comes out...

Skinning out? Skin is out.

Oh, skinning out! So the sun comes out, the skin comes out?

Yeah. OK, I've never heard the expression skinning out!

It's derived from patois, right? Right.

There's a song, it's like a popular bashment song,

and the artist screams, "Skin out mi pum-pum!"

Basically meaning that she's going to get her genitals out.

And I don't mean it like that.

I just mean I'm going to be skinning out.

Not skinning out my pum-pum, just, skinning out.

Oh, good, because I misunderstood.

I thought you were skinning out your pum-pum. Yeah...

You know me. I'm old school like that.

Time now for a bonus round, so Rob, Sarah, join me in the middle.

We're going to play Haye, Who's On The Phone?

OK, we're going to play Haye, Who's On The Phone?

Can we have some dramatic lighting, please?

Oh, yeah. OK, Sarah, if you dial the last number on this phone,

you may or may not connect with

former heavyweight world champion David Haye.

Rob, you've just got to guess if David Haye is on the phone

or if she's bluffing.

Oh, OK. OK. So, dial the last number on this phone.

We know each other quite well.

I'm going to get you to turn around so you can't see each other. OK.

So he's just got to listen to me? How do I... How do you use a phone?

Got it, I've got it. He's just going to listen to me, is he?

He's not going to see my face? You can see my face.

No, he's looking away. I can't see anything. He can't see anything.

(I don't know anything about boxing.)

You do? Rob, you're allowed to ask questions.

Are you speaking to David Haye?

Not to... Oh, sorry.

That's a great first question, though.

Oh, hello, David Haye, the boxer.

How are you? Oh, oh, you first. Fine, thank you.

Where is he? Ask him where he is. Where are you?

He's in a hotel in London.

OK. So what's your favourite thing about being a boxer?

He likes to hurt people. He likes to hurt people?

Rob's going to ask you another question,

but he's thinking of something to ask.

Who did he beat to win the world heavyweight title? Shit!

LAUGHTER

Have you got Google on you? What's the question?

Who did you beat... To be the heavyweight champion of the world.

..to be the heavyweight champion of the world?

Oh, it's a nice memory, is it? OK.

LAUGHTER

Right, it's a Russian guy. We know that much. (Do you know it?)

Sarah, Sarah...

The biggest heavyweight ever in the history of boxing? So you beat him?

Congratulations. It's a bit odd you haven't remembered his name, David!

Well, in fairness, he has taken a lot of blows to the head!

And was it a long match? Long match? Do you call them matches or games?

They're fights, normally.

Oh, dear. Sarah really knows her boxing. She could be bluffing.

How tall's David? Ask how tall David is. All right, ask how tall...

How tall is David Haye?

I mean, how tall are you?! I mean, how tall are you!

Definitely over 6 foot. Definitely over 6 foot!

OK, so, Rob, I would like to know if you think David Haye

is on the phone or not?

Well, I think everything Sarah said was wrong. What?!

But I think she may be bluffing me,

and I think she's talking to David Haye

and pretending not to know the answers.

So I think David Haye's on the phone.

You think David Haye's on the phone. OK.

Let's see if David Haye is on the phone.

Turn round.

Let's reveal.

It's David Haye!

CHEERING

David Haye, everyone! Heavyweight boxing champion.

Some excellent acting skills, but Rob gets the point.

Round of applause for David Haye. Thank you very much, David Haye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wave goodbye, David.

I'll leave this on, if you want to watch the rest.

Yeah, go on, let me see what's going on. I'm enjoying it so far.

Can you hold this so he can watch the rest of the show?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Hold that so he can watch?

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.

Our next round is Pick of the Polls.

Catherine, Richard, Katherine, what do you like the look of?

I like the look of Richard Osman.

OK, you've picked Richard, host of Child Genius,

so we asked our studio audience...

That's such a tough one because people who were popular are

obviously going to say popular and people who were academic

are going to say popular.

What were you like at school? Were you popular? Were you academic?

I mean, I was popular with the important people, which is

to say I was academic, so the teachers.

I learned a rap that helped me memorise all the 50 states

and capitals of America. Oh, brilliant. Let's do it. Would you like to hear it?

Yes, please. No! Here it goes.

# Baton Rouge, Louisiana, Indianapolis, Indiana

# And Columbus is the capital of Ohio

# There's Montgomery, Alabama, Helena, Montana

# There's Denver, Colorado and Boise, Idaho

# Texas has Austin, Massachusetts, Boston and Albany, New York

# Tallahassee, Florida and Washington DC

# Santa Fe, New Mexico and Nashville, Tennessee

# Juneau's in Alaska and there's Lincoln in Nebraska... #

It goes on and on and on. I WAS very smart!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Are you not doing the whole thing?

I can't do the whole thing. You can't include the whole thing.

Why not? Listen, I've got one for countries, too.

# United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru... #

Please don't!

Dotty, what were you like at school?

I was the one that got kicked out of the class quite a lot.

Oh, right, OK.

I think they weren't challenging me.

LAUGHTER

What kind of challenge did you want?

I just felt like, I don't need this stuff, do you know what I mean?

When am I going to use this? All the time.

Yesterday I was with a mate and we had seven apples...

LAUGHTER

Right.

And he said to me, "I want a third of them.

"How are we going to work this out?"

But I don't remember.

I can use a Bunsen burner. But when have you ever had to use that?

Do you know what I mean? All the time!

Friend'll come round, cup of tea, pop on the Bunsen burner,

blue flame...

Shall we test who got the most out of school?

Let's have our very own spelling bee. Nice!

Come on. Come on up.

APPLAUSE

OK. I've never watched a spelling bee in my life. Spelling bee. All right, you stand there...

We're not American! B-E-E!

CHEERING

Face each other. Sorry. OK.

Now, we've upped the ante a little bit... Yeah.

..so if you answer incorrectly, I will give you an electric shock.

Oh, God.

You'll be fine, don't worry about it. OK. I do really need a wee.

Imagine if I just pissed myself here.

You'd all be, like, "No, we won't tell anyone."

Argh! Fuck off!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Fucking hell! Does it really hurt?

It's like a badger going up me arse!

Does it really hurt? No, it's fine. It ain't nice.

Owwww!

I didn't like that at all! I thought you'd be into it. OK.

Can we have some tension lighting, please? I've pissed myself.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

OK, Tom. You're up first.

Can you spell the word facetious?

BUZZER

Aaaargh!

Oh, make it stop! Jimmy, no!

That is incorrect. The correct spelling of facetious is...

There's no way there's a T in there, is there? What did I say?

You want to try again? No...

LAUGHTER

OK, next one. Rob. Yeah? Manoeuvre.

Ooh...

Don't fucking give it that, like you know what's going on!

I love the fact even Rich Osman went, "Ooh..." Yeah.

Good luck, Rob. Manoeuvre.

APPLAUSE

Take it, Rob.

BUZZER

Aaargh!

That was like Back To The Future when Biff got angry!

Manoeuvre is...

Ohhh... You should have just read it off the autocue.

I was going to say, it's right there!

OK, next one. Easy one. Spell pterodactyl.

Ah, fuck off...

P?!

Oh, yeah...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

BUZZER

Owww!

OK. You were doing really well. It was...

You missed out the C.

Oh, well, I was very worried about getting electrocuted in the arse.

They're like those things they used to advertise that you

put on your tummy and got a six-pack.

Yeah. I'm going to have an amazing six pack. Just on my arse.

If you play your cards right later...

Jimmy!

Rob. I feel so sad. I've got the posture of a dog at Battersea.

Easy one for you, Rob.

Rhythm.

Great start.

Correct! Yes! APPLAUSE

So Rob is the winner! You've won the spelling bee!

Aaargh! Ow!

Argh! Get off!

A survey recently revealed that 15% of pet owners love their pet

more than their partner, so we asked...

All I know about dogs is poodles are getting a lot of action at

the moment cos they're all crossed with a poodle, innit?

Cockapoo, cavapoo, do-a-poo, need-a-poo, had-a-poo...

All the poo. It's true.

There's so many different types of dog now.

When I was a kid, I swear there was three.

There was, like, Dulux dog, Andrex dog, Blue Peter dog.

That was all the dogs.

There was dogs with balls, working-class dogs. Yep.

Dogs without balls, middle-class dogs.

Dogs with jackets, upper-class.

Kiri, what have you got? I've got a cat and dog.

OK, so what about names, what have you called them? OK, Oh, God.

Er, so the dog is called Ci, which is Welsh for dog.

Fair enough.

Just straight to the point. Does he know that?

He doesn't know anything, he's thick as fuck.

Then I've got a cat who's a rescue.

I really like him, except he insists on watching me

and my partner bang.

I'll think he's out the room, I've cleared everything,

and then we'll be at it and I'll just sort of, we'll move round,

and there'll be just a pair of eyes watching me.

I can't have sex if the dog's watching

and that's why I always hold it like that.

What's tasteful about Naked Attraction, Anna,

is that they're always flaccid. Not always, Katherine. Oh, what?!

Have you had incidents? We do have to stop the show quite often...

When it's...? We'll just say to the fellas,

"Look, can you just go and sort yourself out and then pop back?"

What?! "Sort yourself out"? They've gone and...?

I don't know what they do! I don't know what they do.

I don't know, I've never had an erection on telly before.

I've got one right now and things are fine.

Is it fellas that are just trying to give themselves a little,

you know, like, a little jump-start... Yeah.

..just to get, kind of, halfway there? Yeah, exactly that.

The best thing to do is wank and then leave it and go on stage.

How big is your penis, Katherine?!

There's a proper thunk.

You've done the show for quite a while now.

What is the perfect penis? What are we looking for?

Well, as every woman knows, you want girth, not length.

Yes! But...

Oh, sorry.

You say girth, not length, do you mean no length whatsoever?

I'll be honest, hands up - mine's like a can of tuna.

Fishy?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's what they're after?

As long as it doesn't smell like a can of tuna, I think

we're going to be OK. GROANING

It's spring water, not brine, don't worry.

Can I just say, don't say to a girl, "My penis is like a can of tuna."

Hockey puck?

Now, before we carry on, as a tribute to Naked Attraction,

we're going to play Carrot In A Box: Naked Attraction Edition.

Rob, Katherine, come on down.

OK. Regular viewers will be familiar with Carrot In A Box.

The rules are simple.

You each get a box. One of the boxes contains a naked penis.

The aim of the game is to end up with a dick in the box.

Bring on the boxes.

If you just step back a little bit.

Yes, it's a game of bluff in the buff.

OK, in a moment, I'll ask Rob to look in his box. Why me?!

If Rob doesn't see his chap's chap,

then he'll have to bluff Katherine into giving him her box.

Ultimately, Katherine gets to choose

whether she keeps her box or swaps with Rob.

OK, Rob, so you want a cock, Katherine, you want a cock -

no change there - but there's only one cock.

Let's say Carrot In A Box: Naked Attraction Edition.

Rob, can you look in your box. Ugh...

Katherine, you're not allowed to look inside your box.

You want a proper... You don't want to miss a thing.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

LAUGHTER

I don't know what I was expecting!

Little beauty, innit? Have a little look. I've had a look.

Do we keep looking?

Do you want to keep your box or do you want to swap with Katherine?

I'm going to keep it. There's a dick there, Katherine.

There's a dick in your box?

That's the closest I've ever been to one that's not mine.

That's a lie.

LAUGHTER

Do you think Rob's bluffing? Was it cut or uncut?

I can't give you a firm answer on that.

Speaking of firm, is he pleased to see you are not?

OK, er...

Get down!

Softer now. Softer now. You just blew on his dick! Yeah.

It looks like it's retreating. I think it's panicked.

Are there any distinguishable features on the dick?

He's drawn a face on it...

..and it moves when he laughs.

OK, so do you think he's bluffing, do you think there's

a dick in the box, or do you think you've got a dick in the box?

I think Rob is bluffing because he's gone back to look at the dick

so many times and Rob is a respectable family man,

I don't think he'd be so thirsty for the cock.

I'm getting into it!

OK, so it's time now for the blindfolded taste challenge.

OK, so what do you think, you think he's bluffing?

I think that there's a dick in MY box. I think that Rob is bluffing.

I mean, there's a point for whoever wins this so, gentlemen,

if you could face forward and... Ooh!

..Katherine's man, we would like you to open your box.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, no!

So that's a point for you, Rob.

I mean, it's worth saying, you did look a lot at that dick.

You kept going back for more.

I thought, you know, it's a nice dick, why not have a look at it?

It's not very often you get to see a dick that much.

I'm relaxed, I'm a comfortable guy, I'm comfortable with my sexuality.

If I want to look at a dick, I'll look at a dick.

Yeah, Rob! That's beautiful!

And just to prove we were not lying...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's a point to Rob, everyone! Point to Rob!

We'll see you after the break!

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.

And The Winner Is, is the name of our final round.

Here is your question.

What do you think? BUZZER

I'd love to be invisible, but I wouldn't do anything.

I would just lay on my sofa at home and be left alone.

I'd just lay there and not be told to do anything.

Oh, I can imagine the thing you would do. What would I do?

You'd go around.

Go where? Go around in this audience. Doing what?

You'd be doing stuff.

I know what you mean, Fred.

Really the question is, what is the SECOND thing I would do?

They'd think the ladies changing rooms were haunted.

If you did do that, right, which is obviously very creepy,

but when you're invisible you can still bump into people.

Because after a while they'd be like,

"There's something wrong in that changing room. I keep falling over."

And just every so often we hear... HE MOCKS JIMMY'S LAUGH

Natasha, what superpower would you have?

If I could work out some sort of superpower

where I didn't have to go to the toilet any more,

I could just, like, ingest it somehow, without it poisoning me.

I just need it all the time.

I'm a toilet woman. I honestly... NISH LAUGHS

I wake up in the morning sometimes and think, today is not about

what I have to do, it's where my piss wants to go.

That's called a urine infection, babes.

My dad, I was at home for Christmas.

And I came on my period, and my mum was like,

"Can you go out, when you go to the shops,

"can you get some sanitary towels for Tash?"

And he brought me back TENA Lady,

because he just saw them.

But honestly, the best thing I've ever been given.

The best gift you've ever received.

So he bought them by mistake and you just leant into it?

"Well, I'll use these." It was just like...

You can't fully let go because it's too scary,

but you can a little bit.

You just didn't let it all hang out?

When it's like, "I'll just let that out," and then I have some time

before I have to run to the toilet.

There is a fine line between just a little bit and self-loathing.

I haven't got anyone. I'm not in a relationship,

I do what I bloody want.

I think I wouldn't give up my power to use...

I do a lot of my best thinking on the toilet.

I have sit-down wees, I don't mind admitting to it.

Oh, come on. Do you hear that?

They judged you more than Natasha pissing herself.

Whoa, whoa. Let's press pause on all this.

What do you mean you have sit-down wees?

Sometimes I have a sit-down wee. I treat myself... Why?

Because I'm not an animal.

I treat myself to a sit-down wee. Why should ladies have all the fun?

Oh, I do that, too.

That's right, because you don't have to concentrate.

Exactly! You just sit down and relax.

Concentrate? I don't need to concentrate. It's hard having a wee.

Like, I don't want to get into the mechanics of it, but first thing

in the morning, try and have a piss - it goes everywhere.

You have to aim! It's like the mouth of your dick's yawning.

Whoa! Fucking hell!

And sometimes it goes like that.

It goes like that. I can't do that, I think that's a French thing.

Sometimes on a night out, you know when there's like 15 in a row,

I will try and piss in all of them.

Like, hold it and go.

Has someone ever walked in as you're doing a weird crab walk across?

You've just got to own it.

You go, "Mind out, mate, I'm doing the full set."

What do you think?

People looking for employment now

have to take all of their pics off-line.

Because I hire baby-sitters,

and my first thing is to go straight to their Instagram

and see how big of a slut they are.

Pick the slutty baby-sitters?

I pick the sluttiest baby-sitter. I don't want her leaving me

for a better job. JOHNNY SNEEZES

No, I have a lovely baby-sitter.

Johnny, have you sneezed on your jumper?

Come here.

ALL: Urgh!

I did not want to interrupt the conversation over there,

so I was going, "Ahh... choo!"

I was doing such a half-sneeze.

You've never not wanted to interrupt a conversation in your life.

I got a sneezing fit. I apologise.

I just was turning round and going, "Blaahh..."

And not trying to make a noise.

Anna. Yeah? Starting a new job...

No, hang on! I had a sneezing fit.

I had a genuine sneezing fit.

I was turning round, trying to sneeze quietly,

I did it more on the left, the right is still quite heavily congested.

But there's nothing I can do about that.

I don't know why it came on.

Just wanted to be part of the team.

Anna. Yes? Anna...

It's all right, I'll take my inner T-shirt

and blow my fucking nose. KATHERINE: No, don't...

ALL: Urgh!

Well, that must be... You've now got some sort of chest oyster.

No, it's all right. I'm back in the game.

ROB: Is it holding in a fart?

Yeah. Sorry, do you need me to pull your finger?

I... I vouch for that. Especially...

Do you know what a Dutch oven is? Yes.

I feel like I really don't want that to be a recipe

in your new book, Liam.

I like a good fart, especially, like,

the loud ones that have loads of depth of, like, smell and that.

So I can't...

It's honestly like you're describing a loaf right now.

This is the idea. OK, please go on.

Yeah, so I normally like top and tail with my pals or whatever

if they stay at mine,

so I can't really fart that much if they stay in my bed.

When your friends stay over, you top and tail? Yeah.

That's called a 69, Liam.

Because my bed is pretty big, innit, so I'm not like,

"Oh, you can stay on my sofa,"

because my sofa's a bit tired now.

Have you not got a floor?

Yeah, but who wants to sleep on the floor?

I'd rather that than your stinky arse in my face.

How does your sofa get tired?

I mean, what does it do all day? LAUGHTER

Holding it in does hurt as well.

Holding it... I went on a flight once

with somebody that I didn't know very well

and I held it in the whole flight.

I got there and I thought I was dying.

I genuinely was doubled over in pain from the wind

that I'd accumulated whilst in the air.

Are you sure you're pregnant?

When you first start seeing someone and you're staying over,

you don't really want to fart in bed with them.

Like, you have to hold it in.

I remember I tried to hold it in for hours and hours

and it was, well, I'm going to have to go to the toilet.

It was a flat share, but she had an en-suite room and I was like,

"How am I going to do this?"

So what I did, and I still use it to this day,

if you just pull your arse cheeks open,

it just sort of whistles out of you.

It feels like you're deflating, like "Sssssssss..."

It went on for ages.

I nearly woke her up and go, "You're going to have to listen to this!"

OK, top superpower, what do you think?

I'd like to suddenly be white.

Like, cos... sometimes you go to parts of the country

and everyone's looking at you and you'd just like to be able to

press a button and be like, "Hi, Nick Cooper."

I work in accounts and wear red socks.

Ha ha ha ha! Let's play bridge.

BUZZER

Smelly helmet?

I was going to say burping. That is outrageous!

That mime's amazing!

Well, I suppose the equivalent for boys is disco fanny.

I heard someone describe it once as being a bit gamey.

Gamey?!

Not mine! Not mine!

TOM: Have you ever seen the Great Wall Of Vagina?

Yes! Isn't it beautiful?

It's a wonderful work of art, I think my favourite, actually,

where about 70 vulvas are cast in stone. Yes.

Do you know what, Tom?

If somebody had asked me to guess your favourite work of art,

that would not have been...!

LAUGHTER

You know, I think it's curious, I think it's because

I'm so familiar with the other, I want to see it. Mm-hmm.

Just, he keeps on giving!

Do you know, whenever...

Like, cos as women, we get our bits looked at all the time, don't we?

Like, nurses, gynaecologists, fuck it, I'll let the window cleaner have a look! Everyone.

LAUGHTER

Every time a nurse or a gynaecologist has looked at my bits,

they've told me I've got a lovely cervix.

I don't know what that means, but I do know that in my life,

I've been told my cervix is lovely

way more than I've been told my face is.

Do they say that?

"That's a lovely one. You could eat your dinner off that!"

I think it just means that it's got good blood flow

and it's sort of shiny.

I used to be a nurse. You can tell, can't you?

You used to be a nurse? Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

I didn't know that. How fascinating.

Have you seen a lot of... a lot of them, then?

Quite a lot, yeah. The most disturbing thing I've ever seen is,

it can happen sometimes, when people get old,

things get a little bit... change place... I...

I've seen a woman shit out of her vagina, that's what...

Oh!

Katherine Ryan!

Look, they got what they pay for.

That wins. That's worse than smelly helmet.

LAUGHTER

Funny story, that's how it got smelly!

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

PAISLEY: Are you serious?! I thank you.

APPLAUSE

Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience

and to all of you watching at home. That's it from us. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media