Original subtitles

At 15, I was sick of being a nerd

When you're a nerd, people you want to pay attention to you ignore you,

and the people you wish would ignore you, pay attention to you

And I was done with it

From now on, I was going to be cool

Cool guys got everything

girls, cars, girls, money

girls

But what exactly is cool?

I tried the surfer look

I tried the superhero look

I tried the cowboy look, but I ended up with the Village People look

No matter what I did, I ended up looking as cool as a fat guy

in a sweat suit with a herringbone chain

Since I knew nothing about being cool,

I decided to consult with the coolest guy I knew,

to find out his secrets

Hey, little dude from across the street

Let me hold a dollar

Hey, man, can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah

Later on

What do you think makes a guy cool?

Cool?

Man, nothing makes you cool

You either cool or you not

But what if you're not born cool, and you want to be?

Well, the fastest way is to associate yourself with cool people

That way you're cool by association

But why would they want to hang with me?

Look, man

it starts with attitude, all right?

Followed by a little headgear

Accompanied by the walk

The walk?

Yes, man All right, the walk

You got to put a lean in your walk, man

You know, like Like you're slightly bothered by an old gunshot wound to the hip

Like this

Easy for him He had a gunshot wound to the hip

You see?

Now you try

Nah, man, that That That ain't it

Look, uh

The collar That's right

Get this collar popped up, man

All right

Now Now try again

I can't watch this

Nah, nah That That That

That's not it at all

All right, look, we definitely gonna have to pull out the big guns on this

Now, the coolest boy in the world right now

is LL Cool J

And you think you can make me look like him?

Let's find out

Not bad Not bad at all

Hey, Chris

It's working already?

Let me hold a dollar

Here's my selfrespect too

Keep the change

Well, got to go, little dude from across the street

Stay cool

While I was on my way to being cool,

spring cleaning was making my mother hot

Ugh

Look at all this junk

No, he didn't

Julius!

What's going on?

This is what's going on

You told me you were gonna get rid of that years ago

Instead you just hid it from me?

It wasn't hid

Yes, it was

It was underneath your camouflage jacket

It was camouflaged!

Baby, it's a good coat

Do you remember who gave you this coat?

- I think it was Janet - You're damn right!

So when you told me that you were gonna get rid of it,

that means you were lying, so now you're a liar?

Yes

You're acting like you pulled Janet out of the closet

What difference does it make?

It's a coat, not a woman

Damn

So you're telling me you're gonna keep the coat,

even though I'm telling you that I don't want you to keep it?

Yeah I see no sane reason to get rid of it,

so I'm keeping it

Okay, fine

Keep the coat, Julius

I hope it keeps you warm

Takes a brave man to choose a coat over a woman

A brave, stupid man

Hey, man, did you get shot in the leg?

No, why?

'Cause you're walking like it hurts

Well, man, I'm just trying to be cool

It's not working

It's not working?

Look at you You look like a powderblue Dean Martin

Technically, I look like a powderblue Joey Bishop

Whatever We need to change our images

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being at the bottom of the totem pole

A powderblue totem pole

That's true

You see, I want to be like them

yes

Tell me why they don't go to school, and they don't work,

but they have great cars and great girls?

Because they're criminals

Those are the kids from the arcade

We can't be like them

I mean, those kids have either been suspended, expelled or dropped out of school

When you're old, that makes you a loser,

but when you're young, it gives the illusion of cool

Shh, be quiet

Hey, kid, you got a cigarette?

No, but I got some gum

Forget it

It's spearmint

And sugar free

I don't think he's listening

Well, we learned one thing

Cool guys have cigarettes

Now before you go gettin' all upset,

in 1986, almost everybody smoked

People didn't give a damn about health

Here's a partial list of things in this picture that people didn't know where dangerous

no sunscreen

carcinogenic hair gel

trans fats

and high fructose corn syrup

Eventually, all these people died horribly,

but while they lived, they were cool

My brother Drew was so cool, he could do anything,

but in the spring of '86, that changed

Here, take this thing away from me

What's this?

It's evil

The Rufus Cube, the most diabolical puzzle ever invented

It caused nervous breakdowns, divorces and suicides,

because it was almost impossible to solve

This looks easy

Chris, I got to go into the library for a few minutes Watch the register

The library?

Yeah, I got to go to the bathroom

I do some of my best handicapping in the john

Keep an eye on the register

A big part of being cool is taking advantage of opportunities when they present themselves

Now that I had cigarettes,

I had the start of what I needed

A real cool guy wouldn't have paid,

but Nerdy McGee would have felt too guilty

Even though I had the keys to being cool,

Greg was locked into being a square

All right, just put one of these behind your ear

Dude, that's contraband

- The Surgeon General told us - Greg

do you want to look cool or not?

Yeah, but I don't want to be a fugitive

SWAT

- Freeze! - GO GO GO

Down

All the way down

Slowly remove the cigarette away from your ear

- Stay there, dirtbag - Don't move

You don't have to smoke it You just have to put it behind your ear

and walk around like those guys at the arcade

The arcade?

I'd like to get back in there again

- You were in the arcade? - Yeah, once

Forget that

Okay, that was before you looked cool

Okay, man, I'll try it

Yeah Oh, remember, you get caught with a cigarette in school, it's an automatic suspension

Right, it's just to walk around and look cool for the other kids

Right

So how do I look?

Nervous

Come on, man, pop your collar

You know, put your shades on Roll up your pant leg

Okay

- Better - No, it's not

All right, let's make a pact

If either one of us gets caught by the teacher, we don't rat out the other Deal?

Deal

Chris gave it to me

Chris?

I am so disappointed in you

I know that nicotine, pork rinds and malt liquor are the black man's vices

You forgot white women

But why infect Gregory?

Because I wanted to be cool

Now I just feel like a fool

I don't know

Well, I'm sorry, Chris, but you're suspended

When my parents found out, I was finally going to be cool

Cool as a corpse

My father had worked hard all day

But my mother had been to space

You went to work like that?

Don't you know you could get fired?

What did your boss say?

Hm So you say you want a raise?

I got a raise

You shouldn't be wearing that

Get rid of it

Oh, I'll be happy to get rid of it,

as long as you get rid of that jacket

I'm not getting rid of my jacket

Fine

- Fine - Fine

Not fine

When you get suspended from school they call your parents,

so if the phone rang this could be my last meal

So, what's going on, Chris?

What do you mean?

I dont lmow There's something different about you

Did you get a haircut? No

Well, you look kind of cool

What he thought was cool was actually terror

Mama, why are you dressed like that?

Ask your father

Daddy, why is Mama dressed like that?

Maybe your mother doesn't know the difference between a perfectly good coat and a space suit

Better be glad she doesn't have a ray gun

So, Chris, how was your day at school?

It was all right

Anything interesting happen?

- No - You sure?

'Cause usually you talk more about school

Can't get you to stop talking about it

Nothing happened at school, okay?

It was just like any other day

Any other bad day

Why are you talking to your brother like that?

He just asked you a question

Yeah, Chris, calm down

Drew, will you put that thing down and eat your dinner?

Hold it, Dad, II've almost got it I can't stop

Either you eat your dinner or do the cube

What's it's gonna be?

I'll take the cube

I thought somehow I had dodged the suspension bullet,

but actually it was just loaded in a different gun

- Hey, Chris, wait up - What's up?

Nothing Just thought I should tell you about my day

What about it?

Oh, I just sat around the house by myself, answering phones, taking messages

Good for you

Yeah, I talked to Grandma, Uncle Michael, the principal from your school, Daddy

Never underestimate the power of the devil

Wait a minute, did you say the principal from my school?

Yeah, you know, they always call when they suspend somebody from school for having cigarettes

Did they think you were Ma?

I don't know I just answered the phone, and they started talking

What are you out? Three days?

I'm guessing that's a total of $15

What is?

Five dollars a day You know it's gonna cost to keep my mouth shut

The price of being cool was steep,

but it beat the price of being beat

Getting suspended from school was hard

but figuring out what I was gonna do with my day was harder

Hey, man, what are you doing here?

I had nowhere else to go

You're not still mad at me, are you?

Yeah, actually, I am

You ratted me out

I'm torn about it, man

Please, don't make me feel any worse than I already am

Why did you cave so fast?

My therapist says I'm bad under pressure

I'm just not cool

No kidding

Forget about it It's all right

so What are you gonna do all day?

I don't know

Wander around till it's time to go home

Maybe I'll see you at lunch

Got to go

Well, all right

I was at the arcade, but I was afraid if I went in

what happened to Greg would happen to me

Hey, it's Juicy Fruit

Hey, want a smoke?

Look at Juicy Fruit

Thanks, man

What you up to?

Nothing Just hanging

What's the matter, Juicy Fruit?

You get lost on the way to school?

No, actually, I got kicked out

- So did I - So did I

Actually, we all did

Except for Vinnie, He never went

Hey, come on in, hang out for a while

Cool

I might not smoke, but right now, I'm on fire

You know, you could do this yourself, Julius

Yeah, but every time I do I nick my head

You know what's going on?

You got a lot of bumps back here Lot of lumps in the back of your head, man

My grandmother used to read these things, man

The configuration is telling me you got a lot of tension

Yeah, well, that's true

BOY Oh, got one coming at 200

In barbershops across America

somebody's always on the lookout for women,

no matter how they look

Oh, man

Look at that outfit

Man, she look a fool

Ooh, I wished my mama looked like that

I'd never leave the house

Here she come across our street Come on, come on, get a little closer, baby

Uhuhuh That is a Cadillac walk right there

Honky Cadillac

Wait a minute

What? What?

Man, that's

Who? Hey, hey, who is it?

No, don't worry about it, man It's just

Where'd she go? What?

Hey, everybody

- Hey - Hey

Hey, baby I was just wondering what you wanted for dinner tonight?

Rochelle

I guess I'm interrupting something

You know what? I'll just make you roast beef

Bye, boys

Man, you got problems

You got that right

man

The next day, I had no question about where I was going

Hey, Juicy Fruit, you want some beer?

Nah, I only drink beer with my dinner

Maybe we should go get something to eat later

Maybe ,So, what are we doing for the rest of the day?

Just about time to go pick up Vito

You're gonna love Vito

Who's Vito?

He's a friend of ours

He gets out today

Out of what?

Come on, let's go

- You're cute, Juicy Fruit - Not too badlooking yourself

Trixie had her eye on me,

but somebody else had their eye on us

This way, Vito

All right, Vito We'll see you again

Later that day, I met Vito

He was the guy these guys looked up to

He was also a convict

Who's this?

He's Juicy Fruit

Juicy Fruit?

What kind of name is Juicy Fruit?

My real name is Chris

Don't worry about it He's cool

Yeah?

You cool, Juicy Fruit?

Yeah, I'm cool

Not with that nickname

We'll see about that the day after tomorrow

What happens the day after tomorrow?

We're gonna get the guys who ratted on me

We'd do it tomorrow, but I need one day to get the guns

And you're gonna be the lookout

So you cool with that, Juicy Fruit?

Mamaaaa!

Before I went ahead with being a lookout,

I got a second opinion from Doc

And they want you to be the lookout?

Yeah, I mean, I don't want to do it,

but these kids like me, and I've come so far in my coolness

And I'm just the lookout I can't get in any real trouble

Wrong

You don't know nothing about crime, do you?

You act as a lookout while something felonious occurs,

that makes you an accessory

Yeah, but I'll still be cool, right?

Wrong again

There are a lot of subheadings to being an accessory

You can be an accessory before the fact

You can be an accessory after the fact

Or you can be an accessory during the fact

In any event,

if you get caught, you going to jail

Doc spent three to five as an accessory

Do you know how embarrassed I was when you walked in there in that outfit?

I don't see why

That was a perfectly good pair of hotpink fishnet stockings

I don't see any sane reason not to wear them

Okay, you win

I'll get rid of the coat

You sure?

Now, I don't want to twist your arm

That's a good coat

Baby, you look like you're about to ease on down the road

Yeah, I'm sure

When all else fails, quit

Where's Drew? Dinner's almost ready

He's upstairs, working on that cube

He's been messing with it all day

He is obsessed with that thing

What'd you do at school today, Chris?

Oh, you know, same old, same old

Uh, my day was great

We're learning time tables Today we did fives

Five times one is five, and five times two is ten,

and five times three is 15

And five times four is a brick upside your head

Sure, I could have not shown up,

but then every time the cool guys saw me at school,

they'd say, "Hey, there goes the guy that's not cool"

All right, you stand here

If the cops come, you blow this whistle

Got it?

Yeah, but I don't really think we should be here I mean

I was out where the buses don't run

I had lost touch with the mother ship

I was someplace where I didn't belong

Chris, what are you doing here?

Sweating

I'm hanging with the guys from the arcade

The cool kids?

I don't know if they're cool anymore

- What's going on? - I'm a lookout

And if the cops come, I'm supposed to blow this whistle

Dude, that makes you an accessory before, during and after the fact

I know, I don't even want to be here

But I'm kind of stuck

You got to think about this, Chris

My uncle was a lookout one time, and he ended up getting shot in the throat

In the throat?

Yeah, he didn't die,

but he ended up wearing a turtleneck for the rest of his life

I knew if I didn't blow that whistle

I would never be one of the cool kids

In fact, the cool kids might kill me

But if being cool meant going to prison,

that price was just too high

So, what are you gonna do?

I did what any nerd would do

That day, Drew lost his cool too

What's wrong with you?

Take this thing away from me It's evil

I know I hate these things

Yeah, I never want to see it again

Me neither

So what kind of games do you like to play?

I love Monopoly

Really? Me too

Maybe we can get together and play sometime

Great Uh, can I have your number?

I already wrote it down

Even when Drew failed, he succeeded

Guys who do the Rufus Cube

ended up with other guys who do the Rufus Cube

Drew ended up with a girl

Who knew? To solve the Rufus Cube,

you either had to have the mind of a genius,

or the liver of Lindsay Lohan

Finally my suspension was up,

and for once, Tonya didn't rat me out

Have a good day at school, Chris

- Thanks, Tonya - No problem

If you're wondering why my cool friends didn't come after me and kill me,

it's because of what happened to them

Johnny Boy spent the rest of his life in prison

Trixie had a tragic pole accident

I'm gonna move your leg

Nice and slow here

Vito lived a happy, successful life for the next four hours

Then he was gunned down by some other cool guys

It seems cool, like beauty,

turned out to be in the eye of the beholder

This task force will not sleep or be deterred

until the gang's leader is apprehended

For the purpose of this case,

we're calling him Mr Cool,

aka Juicy Fruit

� Everybody Hates Chris �