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1
00:00:01,450 --> 00:00:04,051
Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,154 --> 00:00:06,921
Hi, Miss Howe.
3
00:00:06,923 --> 00:00:08,156
Hi, Kelly.
4
00:00:08,158 --> 00:00:11,376
This... is for you.
5
00:00:11,410 --> 00:00:13,411
For me?
6
00:00:13,445 --> 00:00:15,279
What is it?
7
00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:16,314
(gasps)
8
00:00:16,315 --> 00:00:19,751
Oh, Kelly, this is beautiful.
9
00:00:19,785 --> 00:00:21,169
Why me?
10
00:00:21,203 --> 00:00:24,405
Because I like you and you've
always shown me friendship.
11
00:00:24,406 --> 00:00:25,508
Well, that's sweet, Kelly.
12
00:00:25,509 --> 00:00:27,175
Thank you.
13
00:00:27,209 --> 00:00:29,678
And I want you to keep
your hands off my man.
14
00:00:32,265 --> 00:00:34,049
Do we understand each other?
15
00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:36,283
Not really.
(laughs)
16
00:00:36,352 --> 00:00:38,119
Don't play dumb with me,
Miss Howe.
17
00:00:38,154 --> 00:00:39,454
I invented it.
18
00:00:40,940 --> 00:00:43,775
You know, Woody tells me
how you look at him.
19
00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,126
Kelly, I don't look at him.
20
00:00:45,161 --> 00:00:46,528
I know you do, Miss Howe,
21
00:00:46,530 --> 00:00:50,081
and I'm prepared to buy you
one of these every month
22
00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:52,750
if you keep away from my Woody.
23
00:00:55,621 --> 00:00:58,957
Well, you know, Kelly,
he is awfully cute.
24
00:00:58,991 --> 00:01:00,358
All right, one a week.
25
00:01:00,392 --> 00:01:02,594
Do we have a deal?
Deal.
26
00:01:04,797 --> 00:01:08,015
Do you know where Carla is?
27
00:01:08,101 --> 00:01:09,868
(theme song begins)
28
00:01:14,006 --> 00:01:16,324
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
29
00:01:16,359 --> 00:01:19,544
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
30
00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:22,213
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
31
00:01:22,247 --> 00:01:25,684
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
32
00:01:25,718 --> 00:01:29,554
♪ Wouldn't you like
to get away? ♪
33
00:01:30,823 --> 00:01:33,125
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
34
00:01:33,159 --> 00:01:37,612
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
35
00:01:38,914 --> 00:01:43,551
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
36
00:01:43,586 --> 00:01:45,820
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
37
00:01:45,854 --> 00:01:48,389
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
38
00:01:48,423 --> 00:01:52,661
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
39
00:01:53,896 --> 00:01:55,863
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
40
00:01:55,898 --> 00:01:59,100
♪ People are all the same ♪
41
00:01:59,134 --> 00:02:03,705
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
42
00:02:19,822 --> 00:02:21,939
(door opens)
43
00:02:22,008 --> 00:02:24,208
A Scotch, please, Sam.
44
00:02:24,242 --> 00:02:26,644
And how about a beer
for my friend Norm there?
45
00:02:26,679 --> 00:02:27,929
Thank you, Fras.
46
00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:29,814
You're certainly in
a chipper mood today.
47
00:02:29,815 --> 00:02:31,866
And why not?
It's a beautiful day.
48
00:02:31,867 --> 00:02:32,767
Yeah, good for you.
49
00:02:32,768 --> 00:02:33,934
You know, it's amazing
50
00:02:33,935 --> 00:02:36,225
how fast you've gotten
over your separation.
51
00:02:36,238 --> 00:02:39,507
Well, a healthy mental
attitude- that's my secret.
52
00:02:39,541 --> 00:02:41,542
Without that, you're nothing.
53
00:02:41,543 --> 00:02:43,110
Ah, that's great, that's great.
54
00:02:43,111 --> 00:02:45,129
You're completely over Lilith.
55
00:02:45,164 --> 00:02:46,798
I'm sorry, who?
56
00:02:47,783 --> 00:02:49,751
Lilith, your wife.
57
00:02:49,785 --> 00:02:51,719
Never heard of the slut.
58
00:02:51,721 --> 00:02:53,504
(door opens)
59
00:02:53,539 --> 00:02:55,356
Big news, everybody.
60
00:02:55,358 --> 00:02:58,093
Put down your beer mugs
and hold on to your barstools.
61
00:02:58,094 --> 00:02:59,477
Me and Ma just got
a new neighbour,
62
00:02:59,478 --> 00:03:01,012
moved into our
apartment building...
63
00:03:01,013 --> 00:03:03,047
little guy,
about a hundred years old,
64
00:03:03,049 --> 00:03:06,600
up from South America,
thick German accent,
65
00:03:06,635 --> 00:03:08,769
little moustache
right about here.
66
00:03:10,106 --> 00:03:11,188
Likes to paint.
67
00:03:11,223 --> 00:03:13,333
I think you know
where I'm going with this.
68
00:03:13,359 --> 00:03:15,443
Sweet Lord, I'll bet I do.
69
00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:19,013
Yep, Adolf Hitler is living
in my apartment building.
70
00:03:19,014 --> 00:03:22,651
Cliff, I don't even know
why I have to tell you this,
71
00:03:22,652 --> 00:03:24,218
but Hitler is dead.
72
00:03:24,253 --> 00:03:26,721
He died at the end of World
War II in that bunker.
73
00:03:26,722 --> 00:03:27,706
Oh, yeah, really?
74
00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:28,973
Were you at the bunker?
75
00:03:29,008 --> 00:03:30,638
Yeah, as a
matter of fact... Cliff,
76
00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:35,329
throughout the years, we've
become accustomed to your...
77
00:03:35,330 --> 00:03:36,931
oh, how shall
I delicately put this?...
78
00:03:36,932 --> 00:03:39,467
uh... madness.
79
00:03:41,804 --> 00:03:45,340
Now, for my own peace of mind,
please assure me
80
00:03:45,341 --> 00:03:47,442
that you're not going
to march up to this man
81
00:03:47,443 --> 00:03:49,877
and accuse him
of being der Führer.
82
00:03:49,895 --> 00:03:51,680
No, my accusations won't come
83
00:03:51,714 --> 00:03:54,382
until after I complete
my investigation.
84
00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:57,202
The case will be rock solid,
85
00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:58,720
and it'd better be.
86
00:03:58,754 --> 00:04:01,056
I-I've been wrong
twice before, you know.
87
00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:04,341
Sa-am.
88
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:05,893
Wha-at?
89
00:04:05,911 --> 00:04:08,797
I haven't been down here
since the fire.
90
00:04:08,831 --> 00:04:11,566
By the way,
when are you going to rebuild?
91
00:04:11,568 --> 00:04:13,751
We have.
92
00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:17,455
Oh, well, and it looks very...
93
00:04:17,490 --> 00:04:19,357
The reason I'm down here
94
00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:21,115
is, last night our refrigerator
95
00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:22,226
went on the fritz,
96
00:04:22,227 --> 00:04:24,211
leaving us with a hundred pounds
of mackerel,
97
00:04:24,212 --> 00:04:26,781
which may
or may not have gone bad.
98
00:04:26,782 --> 00:04:28,516
Now, not wanting to take
a chance with my customers,
99
00:04:28,517 --> 00:04:30,401
I'm prepared
100
00:04:30,436 --> 00:04:33,037
to offer a special
to your patrons.
101
00:04:33,071 --> 00:04:36,307
All-you-can-eat for two dollars.
102
00:04:36,308 --> 00:04:37,491
Oh, whoa, whoa,
wait a second here.
103
00:04:37,492 --> 00:04:39,928
What makes you think my
customers want your rotten fish?
104
00:04:39,929 --> 00:04:41,646
NORM:
W-W-W-Wait, Sammy, wa-wa-wait now.
105
00:04:41,647 --> 00:04:44,799
Uh... let's just
say, Mr. Hill,
106
00:04:44,833 --> 00:04:46,767
that this, this
fish has spoiled.
107
00:04:46,801 --> 00:04:49,037
Uh, what would happen to us?
108
00:04:49,071 --> 00:04:51,873
Oh, you could suffer
a variety of symptoms
109
00:04:51,907 --> 00:04:55,043
ranging from nausea to death.
110
00:04:55,077 --> 00:04:57,745
Two bucks, you say?
111
00:05:00,299 --> 00:05:02,533
Fair enough.
112
00:05:05,338 --> 00:05:10,125
Oh, good, my package from
Amityville has arrived.
113
00:05:10,176 --> 00:05:11,926
Ah, Miss Tortelli.
114
00:05:11,961 --> 00:05:13,595
Tell me, is that a new hairdo
115
00:05:13,629 --> 00:05:16,864
or did someone toss a toaster
in your bathtub?
116
00:05:16,932 --> 00:05:18,199
(chuckling)
117
00:05:18,234 --> 00:05:19,734
What am I saying?
118
00:05:19,768 --> 00:05:22,604
What would you be doing
in a bathtub?
119
00:05:22,688 --> 00:05:26,975
Cleaning you out of the drain.
120
00:05:26,977 --> 00:05:29,543
Yeasty oil slick.
121
00:05:29,612 --> 00:05:30,779
Bladder polyp.
122
00:05:30,780 --> 00:05:31,846
Manwich.
123
00:05:31,847 --> 00:05:33,314
Perverted goat boy.
124
00:05:33,348 --> 00:05:35,750
Sluttish mole.
125
00:05:35,785 --> 00:05:37,551
7:00 tonight?
126
00:05:37,586 --> 00:05:38,636
Make it 6:30.
127
00:05:40,623 --> 00:05:45,026
That man is the foulest, most
disgusting, hideous creature
128
00:05:45,060 --> 00:05:47,729
to ever walk the
face of this earth,
129
00:05:47,763 --> 00:05:49,864
and he's all mine.
130
00:05:56,389 --> 00:05:59,123
Well, I'm gonna head
up to Melville's,
131
00:05:59,141 --> 00:06:01,675
see if they've got another
fish fry going today.
132
00:06:01,710 --> 00:06:03,444
Hey, actually, Norm,
133
00:06:03,479 --> 00:06:05,195
you ought to be
careful, you know.
134
00:06:05,196 --> 00:06:06,847
I think you were
just lucky yesterday
135
00:06:06,848 --> 00:06:08,449
that you didn't
get really sick.
136
00:06:08,450 --> 00:06:11,051
Who said I didn't get sick?
137
00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:14,922
(door opens)
138
00:06:14,990 --> 00:06:16,825
Well, all right, everybody.
139
00:06:16,859 --> 00:06:18,293
Drop what you're doing,
140
00:06:18,327 --> 00:06:19,727
stop the presses.
141
00:06:19,728 --> 00:06:20,712
Nobody's going to be making fun
142
00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:22,714
of Cliff Clavin anymore.
143
00:06:22,748 --> 00:06:24,548
That's for sure.
144
00:06:24,583 --> 00:06:28,686
Look, what I found in the
trash of Mr. A. Hitler.
145
00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,521
Behold, exhibit "A."
146
00:06:30,555 --> 00:06:32,256
What's this, a check stub here?
147
00:06:32,290 --> 00:06:34,125
It's a Social
Security check stub,
148
00:06:34,226 --> 00:06:36,010
and it sickens me.
149
00:06:36,011 --> 00:06:37,729
To think that we Americans
worked our fingers
150
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:38,846
to the bone
151
00:06:38,881 --> 00:06:42,783
so Mr. Hitler could
have creamed corn.
152
00:06:44,687 --> 00:06:46,403
A cereal box?
153
00:06:46,438 --> 00:06:48,472
That's right, Paul,
it's a cereal box.
154
00:06:48,506 --> 00:06:50,041
I guess we can
determine that...
155
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:52,944
Trix are for kids
and for der Führer.
156
00:06:54,029 --> 00:06:55,863
Cliff, what is that thing?
157
00:06:55,864 --> 00:06:57,982
This is the most sophisticated
and high-tech listening device
158
00:06:57,983 --> 00:06:58,983
that money can buy.
159
00:06:58,984 --> 00:07:00,117
Gentlemen,
160
00:07:00,119 --> 00:07:03,371
say hello
to Mr. Ear.
161
00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:05,340
Mr. Ear.
162
00:07:05,341 --> 00:07:06,741
That's right, you see,
if I'm going to stop
163
00:07:06,742 --> 00:07:07,976
the Fourth Reich from happening,
164
00:07:07,977 --> 00:07:10,211
I have to know every move
that Hitler makes.
165
00:07:10,296 --> 00:07:11,546
With this baby,
166
00:07:11,630 --> 00:07:14,381
I can hear a pin drop
at 500 feet away.
167
00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:16,534
See those two chicks up there?
168
00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:19,187
I'll tell you exactly what
they're talking about.
169
00:07:19,188 --> 00:07:23,758
They're talking about some
stupid-looking yutz holding a...
170
00:07:23,759 --> 00:07:25,126
never mind.
171
00:07:27,062 --> 00:07:28,779
All right.
172
00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:31,449
Look, wish me luck, everybody.
173
00:07:31,450 --> 00:07:33,851
If I'm not back in two hours,
call the Defence Department.
174
00:07:33,852 --> 00:07:37,454
Tell them Hitler's alive and
living in my apartment building.
175
00:07:37,489 --> 00:07:41,058
They know the address.
176
00:07:41,076 --> 00:07:44,496
You know, Cliff's pulled
some pretty crazy stunts
177
00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:46,330
through the years, but...
178
00:07:46,331 --> 00:07:48,199
this is really starting
to get me worried.
179
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,835
Yeah, maybe Cliff is really
going over the edge here.
180
00:07:50,836 --> 00:07:51,903
Gentlemen,
181
00:07:51,921 --> 00:07:53,538
if I may be the voice
of reason,
182
00:07:53,572 --> 00:07:54,806
what if it is Hitler?
183
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:56,774
(door opens)
184
00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:58,592
Woody,
185
00:07:58,677 --> 00:08:00,261
I heard every word you said.
186
00:08:00,346 --> 00:08:02,096
Thanks for being
in my corner, pal.
187
00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:07,568
I knew he was listening.
188
00:08:07,603 --> 00:08:10,304
Now, when he snaps,
maybe he'll spare me.
189
00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:14,408
Well, bad news, boys.
190
00:08:14,442 --> 00:08:16,310
No fish fry at Melville's.
191
00:08:16,311 --> 00:08:17,979
Apparently,
John Hill had a heart attack.
192
00:08:17,980 --> 00:08:19,046
Oh, really?
193
00:08:19,048 --> 00:08:20,865
Oh, my God, that's terrible.
194
00:08:20,899 --> 00:08:21,949
Relax, Rebecca,
195
00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:23,851
there'll be other fish fries.
196
00:08:23,885 --> 00:08:25,719
It's okay.
197
00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:26,704
Let's look at the
long view here.
198
00:08:26,705 --> 00:08:28,372
I was talking about John Hill.
199
00:08:28,373 --> 00:08:29,641
What hospital
is he in? Arlington.
200
00:08:29,642 --> 00:08:31,042
Should we visit him
at the hospital?
201
00:08:31,043 --> 00:08:32,744
Who wants to go?
202
00:08:32,745 --> 00:08:36,230
Come on, you guys,
he's our neighbour.
203
00:08:36,231 --> 00:08:38,383
We know him, we should see him
in the hospital.
204
00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:40,602
Rebecca, it's not like he's
our best friend or anything.
205
00:08:40,603 --> 00:08:41,819
Norm, that's not the point.
206
00:08:41,820 --> 00:08:44,288
The point is, you have to
pretend to be nice to people.
207
00:08:44,289 --> 00:08:46,099
That's what makes you
a good person.
208
00:08:48,777 --> 00:08:51,479
Hello, yes, I want
to inquire about the status
209
00:08:51,513 --> 00:08:54,481
of one of your patients-
Mr. John Allen Hill.
210
00:08:54,482 --> 00:08:55,600
Oh, thank you.
211
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:56,751
That's great news.
212
00:08:56,819 --> 00:08:58,919
Oh, thanks very much.
213
00:08:58,921 --> 00:09:00,988
Whoa, thank God.
214
00:09:01,023 --> 00:09:04,274
Dead, Sam?
215
00:09:04,309 --> 00:09:05,359
No, he's not dead.
216
00:09:05,376 --> 00:09:07,277
He's in stable condition.
217
00:09:07,278 --> 00:09:09,181
That's a terrible
thing to say, Woody.
218
00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:11,472
You're always acting
like you don't like him.
219
00:09:11,473 --> 00:09:13,217
That doesn't mean I
wish he were dead.
220
00:09:13,218 --> 00:09:14,252
Well, what about yesterday
221
00:09:14,253 --> 00:09:16,020
when you said
"I wish he was dead"?
222
00:09:16,021 --> 00:09:17,055
(door opens)
223
00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:18,923
Hi, everybody.
224
00:09:18,925 --> 00:09:20,708
Carla, what are you doing here?
225
00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:24,595
Living my lifelong dream,
226
00:09:24,629 --> 00:09:26,597
fulfilling all my fantasies.
227
00:09:26,631 --> 00:09:28,232
I'm a cocktail waitress.
228
00:09:28,266 --> 00:09:30,067
What do you think
I'm doing here?!
229
00:09:30,068 --> 00:09:33,053
Sam, she doesn't know
about Hill yet.
230
00:09:33,054 --> 00:09:35,523
What are we going to do?
This is going to crush her.
231
00:09:35,524 --> 00:09:38,325
Oh, all right, I'll,
uh, I'll tell her.
232
00:09:38,326 --> 00:09:40,427
Sam, news of this gravity
should be delivered
233
00:09:40,428 --> 00:09:43,664
by someone who has
studied the human psyche
234
00:09:43,665 --> 00:09:45,617
in great detail-
someone who has tact,
235
00:09:45,618 --> 00:09:50,004
compassion, and an understanding
of the human heart.
236
00:09:50,039 --> 00:09:51,739
Okay, Dr. Crane,
I'll do it,
237
00:09:51,740 --> 00:09:53,374
but you've got to
deliver this martini.
238
00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:56,110
Carla!
239
00:09:56,111 --> 00:09:57,144
Woody.
240
00:09:57,145 --> 00:09:58,129
What?
241
00:09:58,130 --> 00:09:59,964
I was referring to myself.
242
00:10:00,015 --> 00:10:03,284
Oh, right.
243
00:10:03,318 --> 00:10:05,786
(muttering):
Calling Dr. Von Ego.
244
00:10:07,723 --> 00:10:09,557
Carla, may I have
a word with you?
245
00:10:09,591 --> 00:10:11,892
Sure.
Please, sit down.
246
00:10:14,763 --> 00:10:17,898
What I'm about to tell you may
be a little difficult to hear.
247
00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:19,717
Oh, my God.
248
00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:22,536
And before I tell you what
it is, I just want you to know
249
00:10:22,538 --> 00:10:24,888
that we are all your friends
and we support you.
250
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:27,841
What is it?
251
00:10:27,910 --> 00:10:32,145
Carla, John Hill has
had a heart attack.
252
00:10:32,214 --> 00:10:34,832
Oh, my God.
253
00:10:34,867 --> 00:10:36,266
Hill had a heart attack?
254
00:10:37,636 --> 00:10:39,820
John Allen Hill
had a heart attack?
255
00:10:39,821 --> 00:10:42,189
(laughing):
That's what you were trying to tell me?
256
00:10:42,190 --> 00:10:43,424
From the way you were acting,
257
00:10:43,425 --> 00:10:46,126
I thought something
happened to my car.
258
00:10:50,516 --> 00:10:53,267
Carla, you knew?
259
00:10:53,352 --> 00:10:54,402
Of course I knew.
260
00:10:54,403 --> 00:10:55,770
I'm the one
who called the ambulance.
261
00:10:55,771 --> 00:10:57,437
Oh, well, then you were there.
262
00:10:57,472 --> 00:10:59,039
W-W-What, what happened?
263
00:10:59,041 --> 00:11:02,693
Well, Hill and I were in
the middle of doing it.
264
00:11:04,613 --> 00:11:05,696
Next thing I know,
265
00:11:05,697 --> 00:11:07,748
he's clutching his chest
and turning blue.
266
00:11:07,749 --> 00:11:10,384
I took it as a compliment
till he fell to the floor.
267
00:11:12,454 --> 00:11:15,823
So, uh, why didn't you go
with him to the hospital?
268
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:16,991
I hate hospitals.
269
00:11:17,025 --> 00:11:19,227
I'll send him a card later
if I think of it.
270
00:11:19,228 --> 00:11:20,411
Now, just a minute,
Carla, listen.
271
00:11:20,412 --> 00:11:22,080
You've been seeing this man
for over a year now.
272
00:11:22,081 --> 00:11:24,048
Don't you have
any feelings for him?
273
00:11:24,099 --> 00:11:27,435
Listen, Doc, I've had
guys run out on me.
274
00:11:27,469 --> 00:11:28,869
I had a husband die on me.
275
00:11:28,903 --> 00:11:30,838
I got eight kids at
home to worry about.
276
00:11:30,839 --> 00:11:33,140
I don't need to go getting
attached to some other guy
277
00:11:33,141 --> 00:11:35,843
just because we sweat up
the sheets now and then.
278
00:11:39,364 --> 00:11:42,032
I couldn't care
less about Hill.
279
00:11:42,067 --> 00:11:44,801
You feel so strongly about
him, you go visit him.
280
00:11:45,971 --> 00:11:47,938
You ready to order?
281
00:11:47,973 --> 00:11:50,683
Uh, yes, we'd like a gin and
tonic with a lime, please,
282
00:11:50,708 --> 00:11:52,509
a Diet Coke, a Manhattan up,
283
00:11:52,543 --> 00:11:55,479
and we'll also need some
fresh pretzels and, and...
284
00:11:55,513 --> 00:11:57,803
(crying)
I-Is there something wrong, Miss?
285
00:11:59,084 --> 00:12:02,203
(sobbing):
My boyfriend's in the hospital.
286
00:12:12,448 --> 00:12:15,116
I'm so ashamed.
287
00:12:15,118 --> 00:12:17,201
I called Hill my boyfriend.
288
00:12:17,235 --> 00:12:19,086
What's wrong with me?
289
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,755
FRASIER:
Carla,
290
00:12:20,757 --> 00:12:22,540
you've come down
with a bad case
291
00:12:22,574 --> 00:12:24,708
of humanity.
292
00:12:26,495 --> 00:12:28,129
A malady characterized
293
00:12:28,163 --> 00:12:30,631
by bouts of compassion,
warmth and caring.
294
00:12:30,632 --> 00:12:32,834
I mean, who knows, this sort
of thing could go on
295
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:34,202
for the rest of your life.
296
00:12:34,204 --> 00:12:35,837
Shut up, fathead!
297
00:12:36,972 --> 00:12:40,708
Or it could pass
in a matter of seconds.
298
00:12:40,726 --> 00:12:42,476
Everybody, just leave me alone.
299
00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:45,312
You're making this
into something it's not.
300
00:12:45,314 --> 00:12:49,116
Carla, you cannot hold something
like this inside of you.
301
00:12:49,151 --> 00:12:50,934
PHIL:
Yeah, Carla,
302
00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:54,288
I never shared how I feel
and now I'm old and all alone.
303
00:12:54,323 --> 00:12:56,023
If there's one thing
I learned...
304
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:57,158
Hey, Phil, zip it!
305
00:12:58,443 --> 00:13:01,578
Look, first of all,
306
00:13:01,612 --> 00:13:04,581
I don't have any feelings
for that slug.
307
00:13:04,615 --> 00:13:07,217
Second of all,
you never saw me cry.
308
00:13:07,218 --> 00:13:08,886
Third, I'd like
to stay and chat
309
00:13:08,887 --> 00:13:10,187
but I've got work to do.
310
00:13:10,221 --> 00:13:12,355
Sam, I want to talk
to you in the office.
311
00:13:15,177 --> 00:13:16,944
Oh, I don't, I don't
want to hear
312
00:13:16,945 --> 00:13:18,662
about her relationship
with John Hill.
313
00:13:18,663 --> 00:13:20,932
I don't understand what they do
when they get together anyway,
314
00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:22,333
and I don't want to.
315
00:13:22,367 --> 00:13:24,802
I wish there was some way
I could get out of this.
316
00:13:24,836 --> 00:13:27,006
Well, why don't you
just wish she was dead?
317
00:13:35,948 --> 00:13:37,915
Hey.
318
00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:39,250
How ya doin', huh?
319
00:13:39,284 --> 00:13:40,918
Oh, Sam.
320
00:13:40,919 --> 00:13:43,120
Hill's in the hospital
and it's all my fault.
321
00:13:43,121 --> 00:13:45,789
Naw, see, now you can't
blame yourself for that.
322
00:13:45,824 --> 00:13:47,675
Oh, but it's true.
323
00:13:47,709 --> 00:13:49,677
You see,
324
00:13:49,711 --> 00:13:52,680
last night started out
as just an average date.
325
00:13:52,714 --> 00:13:55,683
Hill and I getting it
on hot and heavy.
326
00:13:55,717 --> 00:13:58,185
I'm cursing at him,
he's cursing at me...
327
00:13:58,220 --> 00:14:00,053
some real beauties.
328
00:14:00,088 --> 00:14:02,423
The headboard was
begging for mercy.
329
00:14:02,507 --> 00:14:05,059
Do me a favour
and just cut the chase.
330
00:14:05,093 --> 00:14:08,229
Unless there was a chase
and- oh, God, no.
331
00:14:08,263 --> 00:14:10,197
Uh...
332
00:14:11,833 --> 00:14:13,801
I'm a little...
Okay. Okay.
333
00:14:13,835 --> 00:14:16,804
Just before he keeled over,
334
00:14:16,838 --> 00:14:18,973
I went over the line.
335
00:14:19,007 --> 00:14:21,742
I said something so awful, I...
336
00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:23,811
I can't even repeat it.
337
00:14:24,863 --> 00:14:26,831
Oh, honey.
338
00:14:26,865 --> 00:14:28,666
Well, what'd you say?
339
00:14:31,670 --> 00:14:34,571
(mumbling)
340
00:14:34,573 --> 00:14:36,390
I'm sorry, what?
341
00:14:37,509 --> 00:14:39,477
(clears throat)
342
00:14:39,511 --> 00:14:41,512
I told him I loved him.
343
00:14:41,546 --> 00:14:43,180
And that's...
344
00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:45,016
and that's bad,
right? Of course.
345
00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:47,351
Uh-huh.
346
00:14:47,353 --> 00:14:49,520
Of course that's bad!
347
00:14:49,554 --> 00:14:50,688
Mm.
348
00:14:50,689 --> 00:14:52,223
Sam, you don't get this, do you?
349
00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:54,158
Look,
350
00:14:54,192 --> 00:14:57,094
Hill and I have a very
simple relationship.
351
00:14:57,112 --> 00:14:59,430
I don't like him,
he doesn't like me,
352
00:14:59,464 --> 00:15:00,998
we get it on.
353
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,951
Now, if we start saying
we like each other,
354
00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:05,953
we're gonna screw up
what we had.
355
00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:07,455
And then I'm gonna lose him
356
00:15:07,456 --> 00:15:09,957
and I don't want to lose him,
'cause I care for him.
357
00:15:09,958 --> 00:15:11,925
(gasps) What is with me?!
358
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,395
I'm, I'm getting lost here.
359
00:15:14,396 --> 00:15:15,863
Do-do you like this guy
or not?
360
00:15:15,864 --> 00:15:16,998
Of course I do.
361
00:15:17,032 --> 00:15:18,082
But I can't tell him.
362
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:19,300
Why not?
363
00:15:19,301 --> 00:15:20,400
Because if I tell him,
364
00:15:20,401 --> 00:15:22,269
then he won't have
anything to do with me.
365
00:15:22,270 --> 00:15:23,570
Just like if he told me,
366
00:15:23,604 --> 00:15:25,594
I wouldn't have anything
to do with him.
367
00:15:25,606 --> 00:15:28,408
Oh, all right, all right,
all right, I see.
368
00:15:28,442 --> 00:15:30,410
So-so you're saying...
369
00:15:30,444 --> 00:15:31,645
shoot!
370
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,613
I almost had it.
371
00:15:39,854 --> 00:15:42,790
I guess there's only
one thing I can do.
372
00:15:42,791 --> 00:15:44,291
I've gotta go to the hospital
373
00:15:44,292 --> 00:15:45,893
and straighten
things out. Yes! Yes!
374
00:15:45,894 --> 00:15:47,561
That's it! You've gotta
go to the hospital,
375
00:15:47,562 --> 00:15:49,596
and no matter how much
it costs you...
376
00:15:49,630 --> 00:15:51,980
you've gotta tell the guy
that you care for him.
377
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,417
No, Sam.
378
00:15:53,451 --> 00:15:55,118
I have to go and tell him
379
00:15:55,153 --> 00:15:57,087
that I don't care
for him. Right!
380
00:15:57,088 --> 00:15:58,438
Right! I was gonna
say that next.
381
00:15:58,439 --> 00:15:59,807
You gotta go and tell him
382
00:15:59,875 --> 00:16:01,675
that you don't care for him.
383
00:16:01,710 --> 00:16:03,643
Right. Okay.
384
00:16:07,716 --> 00:16:09,516
All right.
385
00:16:11,353 --> 00:16:14,238
Who wants to know
what Hitler watches on TV?
386
00:16:15,906 --> 00:16:18,975
Cliff, I'm not gonna
play this stupid game anymore.
387
00:16:18,976 --> 00:16:21,112
Hitler does not live in
your apartment building.
388
00:16:21,113 --> 00:16:23,697
All right, from 1500 hours
to 1530 hours,
389
00:16:23,731 --> 00:16:25,332
he watched The Flintstones.
390
00:16:25,333 --> 00:16:26,585
Instead of Gilligan's Island?
391
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:28,352
Well, he is a mad man.
392
00:16:29,738 --> 00:16:33,207
From 1530 hours to 1600
he watched People's Court.
393
00:16:33,241 --> 00:16:36,043
How ironic.
394
00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:37,477
At 1630 hours,
395
00:16:37,512 --> 00:16:40,680
he clapped off the TV
and went to bed.
396
00:16:40,716 --> 00:16:42,766
Oh, my God, Norm!
397
00:16:42,767 --> 00:16:43,850
It's him.
Hide me.
398
00:16:43,851 --> 00:16:45,402
This is the guy
you thought was Hitler?
399
00:16:45,403 --> 00:16:46,537
No, no, worse!
400
00:16:46,538 --> 00:16:48,139
It's my landlord,
Mr. Cranston.
401
00:16:48,140 --> 00:16:49,974
Clavin, don't you try
to hide from me!
402
00:16:49,975 --> 00:16:52,526
I'm here to inform you
403
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:54,528
we held a tenants
meeting last night.
404
00:16:54,562 --> 00:16:56,297
Uh, I wasn't invited.
405
00:16:56,348 --> 00:16:58,732
We never invite you
when it's about you.
406
00:16:58,767 --> 00:17:00,400
Was Hitler there?
407
00:17:00,434 --> 00:17:01,701
Yes, Hitler was there...
408
00:17:01,737 --> 00:17:03,820
or Mr. O'Leary
409
00:17:03,854 --> 00:17:05,955
as he's known to us
on Planet Earth.
410
00:17:07,409 --> 00:17:09,159
Yeah, what was the
meeting about?
411
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:10,911
Well, I intended
to have you evicted.
412
00:17:10,912 --> 00:17:13,246
You've done some strange things
in your time, Clavin,
413
00:17:13,247 --> 00:17:14,715
but this is the worst!
414
00:17:14,749 --> 00:17:16,550
You're harassing an old man!
415
00:17:16,585 --> 00:17:18,552
Who may well be the most hated
416
00:17:18,553 --> 00:17:20,087
and feared figure of the
Twentieth Century.
417
00:17:20,088 --> 00:17:22,556
Well, at least he's not
one of those noisy teens.
418
00:17:22,591 --> 00:17:24,324
Well, that's true.
419
00:17:24,358 --> 00:17:25,960
As I was saying,
420
00:17:26,044 --> 00:17:27,261
I was gonna boot you out,
421
00:17:27,262 --> 00:17:29,880
but your mother made a stirring
speech in your defence.
422
00:17:29,881 --> 00:17:32,683
By the time she finished reading
that passage from the Bible,
423
00:17:32,684 --> 00:17:34,685
we were all in tears.
424
00:17:34,719 --> 00:17:36,854
Even Hitler?
425
00:17:36,888 --> 00:17:38,188
Even Hitler.
426
00:17:38,222 --> 00:17:41,025
Oh, Mr. O'Leary.
427
00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:43,193
Now I will allow you to stay,
428
00:17:43,227 --> 00:17:44,528
if you apologize to him
429
00:17:44,529 --> 00:17:46,564
and promise not to pursue
this matter any further.
430
00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:47,965
Now do I have your word?
431
00:17:47,983 --> 00:17:49,700
Yeah, okay. I promise.
432
00:17:49,701 --> 00:17:51,402
So just don't boot us
out, all right?
433
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:52,502
Agreed.
434
00:17:52,536 --> 00:17:53,670
Well, thank you.
435
00:17:53,704 --> 00:17:54,838
You know, I-I know
436
00:17:54,839 --> 00:17:56,106
I get out of hand occasionally.
437
00:17:56,107 --> 00:17:57,274
I've got all this
pent-up energy,
438
00:17:57,275 --> 00:17:58,441
a lot of time on my hands.
439
00:17:58,442 --> 00:18:00,077
You know, uh, I'm
Civil Service.
440
00:18:00,111 --> 00:18:01,411
Well, that explains it.
441
00:18:01,412 --> 00:18:03,798
I will let you off with a
warning this time, Clavin.
442
00:18:03,799 --> 00:18:05,584
Does this mean I can go back
in the laundry room?
443
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:08,402
No. That's a whole
separate thing.
444
00:18:10,505 --> 00:18:12,473
Hmm.
445
00:18:12,507 --> 00:18:15,476
Well, Cliff, you've
tormented an elderly man,
446
00:18:15,510 --> 00:18:18,160
you got everyone in your
apartment building angry,
447
00:18:18,179 --> 00:18:20,147
and you almost lost your home.
448
00:18:20,181 --> 00:18:23,384
Now, are you clear
on what this means?
449
00:18:23,401 --> 00:18:25,319
Sure.
450
00:18:25,353 --> 00:18:27,721
Hitler brainwashed my landlord.
451
00:18:39,433 --> 00:18:41,535
Hill!
452
00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:44,688
Miss Tortelli!
453
00:18:44,756 --> 00:18:46,106
These are for you.
454
00:18:46,141 --> 00:18:47,941
Oh, what a thoughtful purchase.
455
00:18:47,975 --> 00:18:49,443
I didn't buy 'em.
456
00:18:49,477 --> 00:18:51,978
I got 'em out of a
room down the hall.
457
00:18:51,979 --> 00:18:54,048
The guy won't be needing
'em where he's going.
458
00:18:54,049 --> 00:18:55,849
Has he been discharged?
459
00:18:55,884 --> 00:18:57,017
You might say.
460
00:18:57,018 --> 00:19:00,187
If you ever need a
pair of slippers,
461
00:19:00,188 --> 00:19:01,655
size 11, let me know.
462
00:19:01,689 --> 00:19:03,157
Oh, thank you.
463
00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:05,025
Frankly, Miss Tortelli,
464
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:06,693
I don't know why you're here.
465
00:19:06,727 --> 00:19:08,195
My doctor informs me
466
00:19:08,196 --> 00:19:10,531
I have to remain celibate
for the next eight weeks.
467
00:19:10,532 --> 00:19:12,616
Hey, don't insult me, Hill!
468
00:19:12,650 --> 00:19:15,118
You think that sex is
all I have on my mind?
469
00:19:15,152 --> 00:19:17,354
There are other facets
to my personality.
470
00:19:18,874 --> 00:19:20,090
Eight weeks?
471
00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:24,078
Well, anyway, look,
472
00:19:24,112 --> 00:19:27,481
I just came here because
I wanted to apologize.
473
00:19:27,549 --> 00:19:30,467
Last night, before
this happened,
474
00:19:30,501 --> 00:19:33,770
I said this thing to you,
475
00:19:33,838 --> 00:19:35,572
and, um,
476
00:19:35,590 --> 00:19:37,508
I just wanted you to know that
477
00:19:37,542 --> 00:19:40,410
this thing I said-
eight weeks?!
478
00:19:41,479 --> 00:19:43,813
Please continue, Miss Tortelli.
479
00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:47,785
Anyway, about this thing
that I said,
480
00:19:47,819 --> 00:19:50,153
I just wanted you to know
that I didn't mean it.
481
00:19:50,238 --> 00:19:52,372
Hill,
482
00:19:52,407 --> 00:19:55,525
do you remember what thing it is
I'm talking about?
483
00:19:55,577 --> 00:19:58,412
I must confess it rings
a faint bell...
484
00:19:58,446 --> 00:20:00,747
that thing.
485
00:20:00,748 --> 00:20:02,649
Well, I just wanted
to say I'm sorry,
486
00:20:02,650 --> 00:20:05,952
because I think it's
probably what caused your heart attack.
487
00:20:06,037 --> 00:20:07,922
It was quite a shock.
488
00:20:07,923 --> 00:20:10,258
I don't think anyone's
ever said it to me before.
489
00:20:10,259 --> 00:20:11,758
No one?
490
00:20:11,792 --> 00:20:13,093
Not even your daughter?
491
00:20:13,128 --> 00:20:14,995
Well, it never really came up.
492
00:20:18,816 --> 00:20:20,918
You had a wife.
493
00:20:20,969 --> 00:20:22,853
Well, she and I...
494
00:20:22,887 --> 00:20:25,055
had an understanding.
495
00:20:25,941 --> 00:20:28,375
Your parents?
496
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:31,495
The point is, Miss Tortelli,
497
00:20:31,529 --> 00:20:34,765
I'm not exactly a cuddle bear.
498
00:20:34,866 --> 00:20:37,618
Yeah, well, neither am I.
499
00:20:37,702 --> 00:20:39,002
See you around.
500
00:20:39,037 --> 00:20:41,171
Uh, uh, one moment,
Miss Tortelli.
501
00:20:41,205 --> 00:20:43,206
Yeah.
502
00:20:43,241 --> 00:20:46,843
Perhaps the diuretic is making
me sentimental, but, uh...
503
00:20:48,830 --> 00:20:50,798
what do you suppose
would happen
504
00:20:50,799 --> 00:20:52,666
if we were foolhardy
enough to attempt
505
00:20:52,667 --> 00:20:55,135
to take our relationship
to the next plateau?
506
00:20:55,169 --> 00:20:57,705
Hypothetically, of course.
507
00:20:57,756 --> 00:21:00,641
Yeah, well,
508
00:21:00,675 --> 00:21:02,609
I have thought
about that a little bit.
509
00:21:02,677 --> 00:21:05,979
I'm not proud of it,
but I've thought of it.
510
00:21:06,064 --> 00:21:08,114
After all, we have
eight celibate weeks
511
00:21:08,132 --> 00:21:10,200
in which to get to know
each other better.
512
00:21:11,186 --> 00:21:13,119
Okay, I'm game.
513
00:21:16,691 --> 00:21:18,425
Uh, so, uh,
514
00:21:18,459 --> 00:21:20,527
Miss Tortelli.
515
00:21:20,612 --> 00:21:21,862
Carla.
516
00:21:21,864 --> 00:21:24,147
Oh, Carla!
517
00:21:26,534 --> 00:21:28,769
Carla- that's a pretty name.
518
00:21:28,837 --> 00:21:30,153
Thank you.
519
00:21:32,207 --> 00:21:34,208
So, uh,
520
00:21:34,242 --> 00:21:36,443
you, uh, you have any children?
521
00:21:40,015 --> 00:21:42,198
No.
522
00:21:44,886 --> 00:21:47,855
So, uh, what's it like
running a restaurant?
523
00:21:47,889 --> 00:21:49,556
Well, you know, a lot of work,
524
00:21:49,591 --> 00:21:51,224
but, uh, very rewarding.
525
00:21:51,259 --> 00:21:52,393
Oh, that's good.
526
00:21:52,427 --> 00:21:54,327
I mean that is rewarding.
527
00:21:54,362 --> 00:21:57,314
Because there are a lot of jobs
that aren't rewarding,
528
00:21:57,348 --> 00:21:59,449
and it's good
that you found a job
529
00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:01,651
that is rewarding.
530
00:22:01,703 --> 00:22:04,037
Carla, could you please
do me a small favour?
531
00:22:04,039 --> 00:22:05,472
Yes, John.
532
00:22:05,473 --> 00:22:07,458
Could you work yourself
behind this machinery
533
00:22:07,459 --> 00:22:09,392
and unplug my life-support
system
534
00:22:09,394 --> 00:22:11,094
so that I can leave this life
535
00:22:11,162 --> 00:22:13,931
and this agonizing
conversation behind?
536
00:22:13,933 --> 00:22:16,517
Oh, like it was fun
for me, zit face!
537
00:22:16,551 --> 00:22:17,851
Sasquatch.
538
00:22:17,886 --> 00:22:19,019
Road kill.
539
00:22:19,053 --> 00:22:20,854
Catcher's mitt.
Pond scum.
540
00:22:20,889 --> 00:22:21,955
Phlegm face.
541
00:22:21,956 --> 00:22:23,156
See you in eight weeks?
542
00:22:23,157 --> 00:22:24,792
Make it four.
Make it two.
543
00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:27,494
Pull the curtain.
37890
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