All language subtitles for Smartypants.S03E01.The.Rules.of.Content.1080p.DRPO.WEB-DL.H.264.AAC.2.0-Berserk_track3_[eng]

- [Rekha] We're known as
the Smartypants Society,

intellectuals who gather
in the dead of night

to swap ideas and share discovery.

This week you'll hear from

Tao Yang,

Amanda Lehan-Canto,

and Kwesi James.

Welcome to Smartypants.

- [Narrator] Presenters are responsible

for their own research,

the makers that this
program cannot guarantee

anything they say is accurate.
(applause)

- Welcome, members of
the Smartypants Society.

I'm your host, Rekha Shankar.

And today's speakers have
prepared presentations

on a topic of their choice.

So we'll invite them up, hear them out,

and then have a lively discussion.

But before we begin, let
us say our sacred motto.

- [All] Let's just skip
to the first presenter.

- Very good.

Let's bring up our first speaker.

(applause)

(pensive upbeat music)

- The Olympics.
(inspirational music begins)

A beautiful celebration of unity,

collaboration, achievement.

Every four years, the
world comes together,

celebrates each other's
hard work, dedication.

It's beautiful, it's pure.

We can all agree with that, right?

- Sure.
- Right?

Wrong!
(alarm buzzes)

(group laughing)

It's all boxes on a screen!

(group laughing)
(group murmurs)

It's time to face the music

and treat the Olympics
as what they really are.

Content, money pixels, meme juice.

(Rekha cringes)
Sex white noise.

Sam Reich's shopping list.

- Whoa!
- [Group] Whoa.

- And like all content,
some of it is good,

some of it is bad.
- Uh-oh.

- So I'm here to talk
about the Olympic events

we should keep and the ones that can go.

- Wow.
- I love this.

- Yes.
- I love it.

(group clapping)

- Okay.
- Look.

- I trust you'll be reasonable.

- And look, before we start,
I'm a soft, doughy man.

(group laughing)

I know that every Olympic
athlete can kick my ass.

(Rekha laughing)

I acknowledge that.
- Thank you

- But also, swimming is canceled!

(group murmuring)

- What?
- Yes!

- [Group] No!

- Swimming sucks.
- No!

- No, it doesn't.
- Swimming is awesome.

- Swimming is like watching a loading bar.

You can't even see what
they're doing down there.

- Oh.
- It's like watching

a head float across the water.

It'd be like watching running

with half of the body blurred out.

- Tao, this is actually true.

- Thank you.

And it's not just because we
both don't know how to swim,

Rekha.
- It's not

because we both don't know how to swim.

- Me either.
(group laughing)

- It looks like they're
running naked, but they're not.

- They're not.
- There's so much

more naked when they're swimming!

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- It's like going to the carnival

and when you're spraying the hose

and you're watching the little horses go.

- Oh, we love that
carnival game, don't we?

- It's pretty popular.

They haven't gotten rid of it yet!

- That's best fun thing in the world.

All right, all right. Okay, okay.

So here's my first rule of content.

Let me see it.
- Right.

- Okay.
- Isn't that pretty simple?

Can we all agree on that?

Let me see the freaking thing.
- Don't edge me. (laughing)

- If you can't see it,
it's not content, right?

- Sure.
- Yeah.

- Meeting him on everything now.

- Okay, but on the flip side,

and I do mean this
literally, diving stays.

It's all above the water.
- Ah!

- We don't care what
they do below the water.

We care about what they
do above the water.

- They could be on their
phones under there.

We don't know.

- They could be on their
phones watching content!

- They have a camera under the water!

- We don't care, okay?

So everyone say it with,
"Why is diving good?"

- [All] Because we can see the content.

- Yes.
- Catherine,

I saw you kind of hesitate.

I will remember that.
- Oh my gosh.

- I'm still so mid.
- Artistic swimming,

synchronized swimming, that can stay.

- Yep.
- Yes, okay, thank you.

- Thank you, thank you, thank
you for honoring the water.

- But, but!
- Oh, oh.

- It's web only.
- What?

- Oh.
- On your phone?

So it's not going on the live broadcast?

- It's not gonna be on that main rail.

- Aw.
- You're gonna have to go

into like, probably like sports.

- It's so pretty.
- Then filter to swimming

and then probably subcategory,
artistic swimming.

And then probably filter to your country.

So really what they call that
in the biz is it's buried.

(group gasping)
- Aw.

- It's buried.
- Oh, shit.

- I think this is just true. (laughing)

(group chattering)

- We could probably cast it to the TV.

- Download an app. Download Peacock.

- [Group] No!

- Blah! (laughing)
(group imitates retching)

- All horse events canceled.
- What?

- What do you have against horses?

- You're outta your mind!
- It's confusing.

Who am I cheering for?

The horse or the jockey?

Is it even the jockey?
- Makes sense.

- Okay, all right.
- The horse!

- I think it's a horse.
- I see the problem here.

- Makes sense.
- Yes!

- I do think this also makes sense.

- You cooking, bro.
- Yeah.

- You cooking.

- The horses don't get the
medals the people do, right?

- Yeah, the people get the medal.

- The horses get shot right after.

- Whoa!

- Could you imagine if they were?

That would be rough.

- In my Olympics, the
horses are done after,

which is why they're canceled
'cause I'm saving horses.

- Oh!
- Okay, okay.

(group cheering at once)

- Yeah, we have to support that.

- Okay, that's better. We
have to support a life.

- Second rule of content.

People should get it. You know?

I don't wanna be confused
when I'm folding my laundry,

watching my stuff.

I want to get it right away.

- Yeah, we're all playing video games.

- So this brings me to
the most legible sport.

The most readable.

You go, "Oh yeah, I get it."

All blood sports.

- Woo.
(group awing)

- And anything that can
draw blood, fencing.

- Not gonna lie.

I've never considered
fencing a bloody sport.

- Yeah, I was just gonna say.
- Isn't the whole idea

that they're not trying to?

- There's a picture on
the screen right now

showing why it's not a blood sport.

- It's two people fighting each other.

I go, "I get it."
- Boxing.

- Yes.
- I feel a bit tricked

'cause it feels like you picked a photo

that made it look like he
stabbed him in the face.

And he's bleeding out of his face.

But that is a maple leaf.
- Yeah, it's a maple leaf.

- It's a beautiful sport.
(group laughing)

- Yeah, Joey.
- And look,

I'd like to see more.
- Yes!

- Chessboxing, let's add it.
- Chessboxing?

- Makes sense.
- Yeah.

- You do two minutes of chess,
two minutes in the ring.

- Oh my God.
- Oh.

- Imagine this, Magnus Carlsen,

greatest chess player in the world.

- Nice.
- Versus the person

that I found when I Googled
best boxer in the world.

- Usyk.
- You sick? (laughing)

I'm sick. You're all sick.

You're all sick!
- You sick!

- The two highbrow sports,
fencing we talked about earlier,

and Jeopardy.
- That's great.

- Idiot.
- Yes, I'm sold.

- Probably watching two
highly educated liberals

fighting each other.

How much fun is that? Come on.
- Yeah.

- I do that on Blue sky.
- Yes, Grant.

- Nice!

- Karate times dog agility.
- Love it.

- When you watch the dog show

and they're all like, leading the-

- But I thought you said that
the people should be getting,

then am I rooting for the dogs

or am I rooting for the people?

- Great question.
- And also, are we,

are the dogs still living afterwards?

- Yeah.
- They're not shooting

the dogs, right?
- Yeah, this is-

- In my Olympics, they're
not shooting the dogs.

- Okay, awesome.
- Karate and dog agility

is feeling Michael Vick-ish dog fighting.

It's giving-
- Yeah.

- I do want to clear up.

I'm not talking about the dogs fighting.

The dogs aren't fighting.
- All right.

- You're walking the dog to
prove it can do a good prance.

- Yes.
- And then,

you have to do karate.
- Imagine.

- So it's more about
dog training and karate?

- You're running your dog through
the little obstacle course

and then outta nowhere,
the other dog trainer

is just giving you a left
hook right to the eye.

- Okay.
- Hmm.

- And can you keep your dog on its path?

- Wow.
- That sounds great. (laughs)

- I hate that these are good ideas.

- And in my Olympics,
the dogs also get medals.

- Okay.
- I like that.

- [Tao] You like that?
We like that, right?

- Word.
- Okay.

Wrestling/melee.

You're wondering, what is melee?

That's also another word for fighting.

I, of course, am talking about
the best sport of all time.

Super Smash Brothers Melee.
- Yes.

- Okay.
- For Game Cube.

- Game Cube.
- And they are,

they're wrestling for two minutes.

And then at the two minute timer,

whatever position they're in,

that's when they're given the controllers

and they have to play from that position.

Third rule of content should
feel familiar, but different.

- Yeah.
- You know?

Like, oh, this is sex, but with hockey.

- Right.
- But that also means,

in my Olympics, all regular sports

that we watch throughout
the year, canceled.

- What?
- Why?

- Why?
- It's already happening.

- Actually, yeah.
- You don't need more.

- I'm watching basketball
throughout the year.

Why am I watching it during-

it's like going to another country

and going to McDonald's
there or something.

You know?
- I see.

- But they have different
things on the menu!

- That's the best thing!
- They have different

things on the menu.
- They do.

- Exactly. Have you ever had curry sauce?

- Yes.
- They don't sell that

in America, bruh.
- They do shrimp.

- Okay, but you don't have that in,

that's not an American thing either.

- Okay.
(group laughing)

- Okay!
- Check mate.

And let's go two minutes in the ring.

- Yeah.
(group laughing)

- Nice.
(group continues laughing)

- Oh, don't you say-
- You better not.

- This picture does not-
- Watch yourself.

- Simone Biles.
- Watch yourself right now.

- These are young girls.
- This has to stay.

- Look at that.
- That have jobs.

(group chattering)

- Give the young girls jobs!
- You can't do that.

- Better not.
- And I wanna see

people doing that.

- Do it.
- I'm not crazy.

(group cheering)

- Oh my God. I knew it.
- Look, we all get it.

This is why we're watching the Olympics.

- [Group] Yes.

- You know, it's a Trader
Joe's in the plaza.

You know, when the Trader Joe's subsidizes

all the other stores in the plaza.

(group laughing)
You know what I mean?

- You went there to go to Trader Joe's.

I hear ya!

- You go to Trader Joe's

and then you're also buying coolant

for your car or whatever.
- Yeah.

- They subsidize everything,
is what I'm saying.

- Yeah.
- The fourth rule of content,

give the people what they want.

(group murmuring)

- All the iconic ones, running,
sprinting, pole vaulting.

Yeah, they can stay, but
there's just so many of them.

- Yeah.
- Why don't you go

running a hundred meter?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- 200, 400. 800-
- Yeah.

- Mountain running.
- Yeah, this is true.

- This is a lot.
- City running, ultra.

What am I looking at? A recipe?

What am I making a cake?
(group laughing)

What's going on?

(group laughing)

Okay, here's what we got. Okay.

I'm cutting it down.
(group laughing)

- I like this.
- Short.

- This is good.
- Long.

Miscellaneous.
- Nice.

- Decathlon, all that stuff.

- Oh yeah.
- Brutal,

to be a miscellaneous runner.

- Yeah. That would suck.

- I trained all my life to
be a miscellaneous runner.

(group laughing)

- I'm pretty good at miscellaneous.

- Okay.

- I placed silver in miscellaneous.

- Keep it simple, stupid.

Especially while I'm playing Balatro.

We all know Balatro?

- Yeah.
- No.

- We're all playing it while
we're watching content.

If you have any tips for
Annie16, don't tell me, okay.

(Kwesi laughing)

Winter Olympics, just, no.
- This one, go.

- Oh my God.
- All gone.

- I was hoping you said that.
- In general.

- Curling, what?
- Except bobsledding.

That stays.
(group laughing)

We all know why. It's
because of the movie.

- Yeah. Yeah.
(group laughing)

- You know the one.
- I'm not gonna say it,

but you know the one.
- Of course.

- Okay, events I'd like to add.

- Ooh.
- Four wall trampoline.

- That's awesome.
- Oh.

- What do we wanna see gymnasts do?

- Flip, baby.
- Flips.

And if the walls had springs,

they could be more like Spider-Man,

quoting "The Office."
(group laughing)

- Okay.
- What? What?

- That should be an
event 'cause I get gold.

(group laughing)
- Oh! You've gone too far.

- That's what she said.
- He wants to compete.

- Tug of War.

You know, they used to do this?

And wouldn't it be cool
if they did this again?

But instead of just
regular people, athletes,

they got all of the
heads of state to do it.

- Oh.
- It'd be cool, right?

- [Group] Yeah.

- Over a big pit.
- Yeah, over a big pit.

And they would make everyone,
all the leaders younger.

Wouldn't that be nice?

That'd better for the world, right?

- Yeah.
- People would watch this.

- Yeah, I'm into that.
- Opening ceremony,

just a hundred meter dash.
- Yeah.

- Short run, I mean.

Sorry. Short run.
- Yeah. What?

- We'll fix that in post, short run.

I get it. It's all the countries.

Okay. I understand.

I've taken geography classes.

Okay, let's just get through
it to get to the stuff.

- Right.

- These are my closing thoughts.

And I want to use my rules of content

and have my own medal ceremony.

(Rekha gasps)

So can we bring in the podium, please?

- Oh my God.
- What?

- Oh my God.
- Just first and second.

- My God.
- Got really good stuff.

- Oh my God.
- Whoa.

- [Group] Yes.

- Yes keep going.
- Yes!

- Okay.
- Yes.

- We will have a ceremony for

most supportive of me, Tao,

during a Smartypants presentation.

- Hey.
- Oh.

- Yes.
- I think it's you.

- Kwesi, will you come down?
- Oh, I knew it.

I knew it.
(group clapping)

- Okay, Brooklyn!
- We'll have you stand here.

- That one?
- Yes.

- Oh.
- I thought he was getting-

- Man.
- Rekha, will you come up?

- Oh my, oh, oh! It's the top three.

The top three, because I
don't know how to swim.

So I supported you.

- And Catherine, come on down.
- Whoa!

- We just said no like
half the presentation.

- I do feel like I said no a lot.

- This is most upset I've
been by this presentation.

- Yeah.
- Yay.

- Oh.
(gentle triumphant music)

- Oh.
- This is exciting.

I've never won a single thing in my life.

- Oh.
- This is big.

- We can all feel the tension, right?

- Yeah. No, I feel it.
- Yes.

- But you don't say what anyone's...

While everyone sits in silence.

- Yeah.
- Yes, please be silent.

- Rekha!
- Huh?

- Will you reveal your medal?

(triumphant music)

(Rekha gasps)

You are in second place.

(group cheering)

- Okay, and I'd do it again, buddy.

I think swimming's weird.
- Thank you.

- That checks out.
- Kwesi,

will you reveal your medal?

(Kwesi sighs)

- Oh.
- Oh, okay.

(group cheering)
- What?

- In first place, as
most supportive of me.

- A real one.
- A real one.

- A real one.
- Wow.

- Yay, I wonder what mine is.
- Yeah.

- Catherine, will you
please reveal your medal?

- Okay, last but still.
- Yay!

- But still here.
- Yes.

- You're here.
- Least supportive of me.

Most mean, shouldn't we
celebrate the loser too,

on the medal ceremony?
- My God. Most mean?

Is that part of your Olympics?
- Yes.

- Did you say most mean?
- I was the most mean?

- Most to most mean to me, yes.

- I would agree.
- Did not know

that was happening?
- I did not know

that was happening!
- Wow.

- It just says last.

- And just like our Olympic athletes,

you maybe will be in a
Subway commercial, okay.

- Stop it.
- Oh my God.

(group chattering)

- Damn.
- Get that residual.

(group chattering)

- A Wheaties box, at best.

- Let's kick off the Q&A.

- Did you do a sport ever?

- Now, don't read into this.

No.
- Yeah.

- [Tao] Don't read into this.

This has nothing to do with anything.

- It's not biased.

- In terms of short versus long,

how short and how long are we talking?

- Mile, below a mile,
short. Over a mile, long.

(group laughing)

- People who are training for this, nah.

- So it could be 1.1 miles and 0.9 miles

and that would be long-
- Get over it.

- I think the Winter Olympics has more

life and death stakes.

You know what I mean?

Bobsledding is super dangerous.

- Yes.
- What is it? Skeleton, luge.

All dangerous sports

that people actually spend
their whole lives training

and actually lost their
lives at the Olympics.

- Now you did just name
the same sport three times.

- Oh no, it's different!

Luge and skeleton are
two different sports.

One, you go down with your
head, one you go with your feet.

- Well, I have to say.
- Big difference.

- I have to say, this falls under

Dr. Tao's 'confusing' bracket.
- Yes.

- Are we supposed to know

which one is feet and which one is head?

- I will say to that, you're right.

Maybe I should take another
look at the Olympics,

especially if there's a NASCAR factor.

We're here to watch the crashes thing.

- Hot take.
- Mm-hmm.

- NASCAR driving, a sport? Forget it.

Not interested.
- I'm with you. But crashes.

- No.
- Pretty cool to watch.

- If the car can't get a medal,

they shoot the car afterward.

(group laughing)

(group chattering)

- They put it in a big
compact, they make it a block.

(group laughing)

- Just general thoughts
on like hosts, as well.

Like, are you into Snoop Dogg

or do you think that needs to go?

- We should have more hosts, I think.

- Okay.
- Add Snoop Dogg.

Add...

Rekha.

Add Rekha as Olympic host.

Rekha, pick a sport you wanna talk about.

- I would like to host the dog karate.

- Let's get Kelly Clarkson in there.

Let's get all of our big
engagement bait people in there.

You know?
- Rekha, Kelly Clark

and Snoop Dogg.
- Yeah.

- The three most engaging
celebrities online.

- Yeah.
- Yes!

- It's on my list.
(group clapping)

- Thank you so much, Tao,

for that enlightening presentation.

(group cheering)

(pensive music)

(keyboard clacking)

- Me, your mom,

that guy at the bar who's reading a book,

what do all these people have in common?

We all read smut.
(Rekha gasps)

- Yes.
- Yeah.

And I have to confess something.

That's right.

I have read over 45 smut books!

- My God.
- [Amanda] In one year.

- Whoa.
- Yeah.

- A new high.
(group clapping)

- Thank you so much.

- Yeah, all while being pregnant,

while giving birth to my son.

I mean, I wasn't, I didn't have
a book in the delivery room,

but God, I needed it.
(group laughing)

I could've used that.

And also, while feeding my son.

- Yes.
- That's a big book.

- Yeah, it's a big book.

And it's from the library.
- Whoa.

Because my husband was like,

"It's getting too
expensive, this addiction.

Get to the library, girl."

I must warn you,

before we continue

this presentation might get horny.

- [Horny voiceover] Oh, yeah.
(group laughing)

- Cross your legs, grab a pillow.

Hang onto your blazers.

Let's get into it.
- Hmm.

- Smut is writing that
has explicit content

intended to be erotic.
- Mm.

- Or titillating.
- Mm.

- Ooh.
- What an emphasis.

- Now you can tell just
how spicy a smut book is

based on how many chili peppers it has.

- Whoa.
- Okay.

- Okay, it's on a scale from one to five.

Five is the spiciest
smut you've ever read.

And that wasn't even enough for me.

- Oh.
(person whistles)

- Yeah, I got hooked.
- Amanda.

- I got addicted.
- Oh, no.

- It was not good.
- Your tolerance.

- Okay. Great question.

There's historical fiction smut.

There's sci-fi smut.
- Hmm.

- There's also romantsy mut,

which is s my personal favorite.

- Yes.
- Love it.

- AKA, you know fairy sex?
- Yeah.

- Or vampires and fairies.
- Okay.

- Or wolves and fairies.

- They have sex with each other?

- Yeah. No.
- Very different energy.

- Wolves and fairies. They can fuck.

- Okay!
- It's in the book.

- [Catherine] How many peppers is that?
- It's in books.

- Right.
- You are learning

something new today.
- This is amazing.

- [Horny voiceover] Uh, it's so good.

(group laughing)

- I cannot stop thinking about smut.

I can't stop talking about smut.

I can't stop dreaming about smut.

Smut has changed me.
- Mm.

- And let's be real, guys. Hold on.

Smut isn't just about sex.

- What? What else is it about?

- I know. Hey!

Guys, it's fantastic world building.

- Okay.
- Royalty,

eccentric characters.

The exploration of really
deep, meaningful relationships

that tend to have a lot of sex.

- Yeah.
- Right.

- [Horny voiceover] Uh, don't stop.

- You know how some guys get
Playboy for the articles?

That's you, Joey.

I get smut for the plot.
- Yeah.

- Let's go over some of
the main smut plot points.

Love triangle.
- Obviously.

- I mean, who wouldn't?

- Sure.
- Arranged marriage?

Hear me out.

It's actually fun to read.
- Oh.

- Not to do. Not to do!
- Nope.

- Too close to home.
- Forced-

Yeah, sorry about that, Rekha.

Forced proximity.

Okay, this one's really fun so.

- Explain this.
- You're at an inn, okay.

(Rekha gasps)
- It's stormy. It's stormy.

You show up. There's only one bed.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh.

- There's two of you.
- Uh-oh.

- You guys are not speaking right now,

so guess what you have to do.

- Fuck.
- Fuck.

- You have to fuck.

Also, we have forbidden love.

Ooh, that's kind of like wolf and fairy.

- Yeah.
- Situation.

- Yeah.
- Right?

(group chattering)

- That feels forbidden.
Yeah, big and small.

- Or the fairy's the
big one in this issue.

- Yeah, the fairy's the big one.

- Little wolf.
- Big fairy, little wolf.

- Yeah, that's the other thing.

Fairies aren't this big in these books.

They're big.
- Oh.

- What?
- They're like seven.

They're you.
- They're me.

- You're a fairy.
- The fairies are me.

I mean, you're not
allowed to say that, but.

- Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. You're right.

Enemies to lovers. Also,
one of my favorites.

Everyone loves enemies to lovers,
especially in these books.

- [Horny voiceover] Oh, yeah?

- Okay, so there's two
types of protagonists

in every smut book.
- [Horny voiceover] Oh, daddy!

(group laughing)

- That's right.
- I need a tarp.

(group laughing)

- Why do you need, oh, to cover?

Because you're getting-
- Sorry.

- Wet?
- It's working.

- Never apologize. Ever.
(group laughing)

Okay, we've got

the shadow daddies.
- Wow.

- These are our shameless flirts.

They are tall, dark, and handsome.

They are your protectors.

They are brooding.

They've got rippling muscles.

And they always carry a sword.

And they say things like, "Who hurt you?"

(group laughing)
(group murmuring)

- Okay now, the thing you need to know

about the shadow daddies
is they're always in love

with our FMC, which is cool shorthand

for female main character.

- Sure.
- Okay.

- The half breeds.
- Oh, interesting.

- The half breeds are
half magic, half human.

So in the fantasy world,

if you're not a pure breed,

you're kind of looked down upon.

- Huh.
- Sure.

- So these half breeds always

have a massive chip on their shoulder.

And they're very sassy.

Sassy is their way of life.

And they say things like,
"I can do it myself!"

Or "I don't wanna be queen!"
- Ugh.

- I don't want it.
- Ungrateful.

- Be queen.
- Right. Exactly.

Well, that's the journey, Rekha.

Cool things about shadow
daddies and half breeds,

they're enemies.

- Hmm.
- Oh, no.

- Okay, enemies to lovers.
- Yum, yum, yum.

- Enemies to lovers.
- Yum, yum, yum.

Yes!
- Bingo.

- You are correct.
- I've been paying attention.

- You are correct.

So I think around like page
267, he's in, she's in.

I'm in. We're all in.

- And are we-
- Bed.

- In, in?
- Together.

- Yes.
- Having sex.

- Wow.
- [Horny voiceover] Oh, yeah.

(group laughing)

- You got it.

- [Horny voiceover] Wow, it's so big.
(group laughing)

Guys, that's where the
species come into play.

- Okay.
- Okay.

There is a group of species

in almost every single smut book,

and it helps you understand

which kind of smut book you wanna read.

First, we got dragons.

Think like old guy in "Up,"
but his voice is Gandalf.

The Fae, these motherfuckers
are crop dusting you

at a party and having
zero regrets about it.

Mermen!

- Ooh.
- Woe.

- They're a little pervy.

That's all I'm gonna say about them.

They're just a little,
they're a little pervy.

- Yeah.
- I don't wanna celebrate that.

- We've also got the
shifters. Younger brother-

- Ugh.
- Who is constantly-

- What?
- Sorry.

- Not your younger brother.
- Yeah.

- Did I just-
- Sorry, I'm kind of reading

an implicit 'your'. (laughing)

- Did I just douse you with cold water?

(Rekha laughing)
Shifters,

think younger brother
who gets really worked up

when they're angry.
- Oh my God.

- And instead of yelling, they just cry.

Vampires!
- Oh, sure.

- I feel like they're constantly wearing

True Religion jeans.

(Kwesi laughing)

And witches. We love them.

They're like your typical girl's girl

who always says things like,
"Swear it on your life."

- Oh.
- Swear it on your life.

Cut your hand and put your
hand on mine and swear it.

- Like chill out!
(group chattering)

- Now, swear it!

Okay guys, so the smut that I prefer

are the crop duster Fae.

That's what I like. But wait.

Question for you, what's a turn on?

- Athletics, physicality.
- Mm.

- Okay, get in some dragon smut.

- Okay.
- Honey, get in some,

I mean, they're all muscle.

Also mermen. You might be
into some pervy mermen stuff.

- All right. (laughing)

- Lonnie's probably into pervert stuff.

- Yeah, you're into some pervert stuff?

That's on the internet forever.

You into feet?
- Sure.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Okay, witches are consistently barefoot.

- Great. And are they dirty?

- Oh yeah. They're filthy.
- Ooh!

- They've been walking around the woods

chanting another woman's name all night.

(group laughing)
- Yes. That's good,

'cause I need to know the characters.

- You're gonna need some witches smut.

- Okay.
- I bet you're wondering.

- Oh.
- Oh, no.

- Has it?

Nope!

- Oh yeah.
(group cheering)

- No, it has not!

Smut has only ignited my
sex life. You know why?

Because I'm horny all the time.

- Yes.
- Nice.

- That makes sense.
- That's great.

- And not just in the comfort of my home.

No, no, no, no ma'am.

I'm horny here and here and here.

Just think whenever you're
done with that page,

go in the pool, pool jets.

- Whoa.
- Ooh.

- And the chair's waterproof.
- Nice.

- The chair's waterproofed.
- Jets in a pool?

- Finish the job.

If you are reading smut
in public, fear not,

because if someone
picked up your smut book,

they might not even know
that they're reading smut.

Because smut has its own vocabulary.

- Whoa.
- Mm.

- It's not like Ye Olde
English or anything like that.

But they don't use the word vagina.

- Hmm.
- Thank God.

- They don't use dick.
- Hmm.

(group clapping)

- Yeah, no, we can clap for that.

Instead, words for vagina
are bundle of nerves.

- Wow.
- That stinks.

- Oh my God.
- Accurate.

- That stinks.
(group laughing)

- Heated core.
- Yeah, I like that one.

- Come on.
- Okay.

- Taut Bud.
- Ooh.

- Ah.
- What?

- Grant loves it.
- Ugh.

- Get it.
- Do we know what that is?

- Yes. Your clitoris?
- It's the clitoris.

- Yep.
- Ugh.

- Ah!

- Aching center!
- Yes.

- That sounds about right.
- Words for dick.

Considerable length.
- No.

- Considerable to who?
- Listen, guys!

- Subjective.
- Okay.

- Average length.
- They're big in the book,

or they're considerable to what you enjoy.

- I feel like that's how a hairdresser

talks about like what
length you're cutting off.

- Yeah. Oh, don't cut them off.

- Yeah.
- So many of these

can be subs for other things.

It's a little-
- Exactly,

why if you picked up the smut book,

you wouldn't even know that
you were readings smut.

- Yeah, true. Okay.
- It's true.

- You were like,

"He thrusted his considerable length

into her heated core."

- You think it's a book about architects?

- Yeah, it's architecture.

Velvet wrapped steel.
- Wow.

- Ooh.
- That's 'cause they got

really soft skin in fantasy books.

- It's like an oversell.
- Yeah, it's an oversell.

Or you know, sheathing the sword.

- Classic.
- That's cool.

- Classic.
- Feels like an action.

- Uncircumcised.
- Good question.

- Yeah.
- Sheathing or unsheathing?

- Sheathing, you're sheathing
it inside the aching center.

- [Group] Oh!

- I know, right?
- That's cool.

- You have an aching center

and you need to have the sword sheathed.

- Put it's cover back on.
- That's so cool.

- Cock.
- Yes.

- Okay.
- That's a special one.

We like that.

- And no one's gonna
know what you're reading.

- Nobody.
(group laughing)

Anyone could pick it up and
go, "Cocks been sheathed?"

- This is a chicken book.

- This is a chicken book. (laughing)

- Correct.
- All about poultry.

- Now, speaking of cock,

what are these cocks
always straining against

in these smut books?

- [Horny voiceover] Oh, it's so good.

- Leathers.
- Wow.

- I mean, these people are
going to war in leathers.

- Sticky.
- How are they washing them?

- They're not.
- Are they hang drying them?

What's happening there?

Do you guys remember "Rock of Love?"

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

- In the beginning, this
is all I could think about

was Brett Michaels from the band, Poison.

Remember? 30 women tried to date this man.

(Catherine laughing)

And what's underneath that bandana?

- Nothing.
- Nothing. Yes!

But guys, I don't know.

Smut has its grip on me.

It really does because I
was like, wait a second.

Are leather pants back?

- No, they're not.
- No.

- No, they're not.
- I think you're wrong.

- Well, people say that to me a lot.

- If you read enough smut, you start to,

it starts to grow on you.

And you start to be like, wait
a second, they're so back.

- Oh, wow.
- And then

I started to realize, hold on.

Wearing leather is like.

(group gasps)
- Oh, no.

- A symbol of power.
- No.

- Right.
- Yes!

(group chattering)

- I-
- Mommy?

- Want to wear leather.
- Oh my God.

- Yes!

(group cheering)

- Wearing leather is my destiny!

- Oh my God!
(group cheering)

- Thank you so much, young one.

(group laughing)
(group gasping)

- The sword of Damaris, the truth teller.

(group gasping)

This is a heavy sword.

(Grant scoffs)
- Ah.

- I am not the Fae,

I am not the half breed who
doesn't know their purpose.

I'm the protector!
- Yes!

- I'm the shameless flirt!
- Yes!

- Yes, honey. I am the shadow daddy.

I will fight with you side by side,

because reading smut

is like my own form of rebellion.

- Damn.
- Hmm.

- [Horny voiceover] Oh, don't stop.
- I'm done feeling like

I need to be the good girl.

I need to keep it polite,

tidy, PG.

I am done feeling shame talking about sex.

I am done feeling shame about being sexy.

- Hmm.
- Yes-sah!

- I am done.

I'm done feeling shame about my body.

(group cheering)

- Yes.

- I am done!

I'm in a postpartum body
and I'm in a leather suit!

(group cheering)

- Yeah!
(Rekha laughing)

- Because I will always
use my power for good

and not for evil.
- Hmm.

- And I will hang dry this leather,

because I actually think
it'll probably shrink

if you put it in a dryer.
- Yes.

- Thank you!
- Whoa.

(group cheering)

- Oh my God.
(group continues cheering)

- Wow.
- Thank you, guys.

- I first just wanna say, when
you revealed your leather,

I did feel like a rocket
ship was exploding

outta my pelvis through my heart.

- Wow.
- Beautiful.

- That makes me so happy.

- Me as well. Here's my question.

I feel ignited by your presentation.

- Thank you.

- I really wanna get into smut,

but my problem is I'm not a strong reader.

- Wow.
- Is there a work around

that I can get this into my
system without using my eyes.

- Let me tell you.

I think if you get a
really good smut book,

you're gonna be a very fast reader.

- Do you think so?
- Yeah, because

I wasn't a fast reader at all.

And then 45 books later.

- Would you possibly read
it out loud sometime?

- I could read it out loud.

- Great.
- Yeah.

- I'll set up a pay system.
(group laughing)

- Would you wear the leather while you do?

- Yes.
- Woo!

- Of course.
- Incredible.

- Do the half breeds and stuff like this,

do they ever go from fantasy?

Like they're being really on the nose,

like is the half breed, like,

"I'm not fairy enough for the fairies

or human enough for the humans."

Like this is just biracial.

- They get really on the nose.

Although there's some
books that are more modern.

- Mm.
- That are more modern takes.

So it's like Fae, like
living in real world,

like think like "Twilight" vibes.

- Gotcha.
- Hmm.

- But it's not "Twilight."

It's not "Twilight."
- Yeah.

- But then a lot of the
books' themes are about,

I'm a Faye, but I'm
also Amanda or whatever.

They're like discovering
their inner destiny.

You know, it's a lot of those themes.

- Are there gay fairies
and then straight fairies?

- Oh, there is gay smut.

There is straight smut.

There's all different types of smut.

Some people just read gay smut.

- Yeah.
- I should try that.

- Yeah.
- Wait a minute.

I have to go.
- Yeah, I should try that.

- I gotta get outta here.
- I'm gonna head out.

I'm taking the sword.
(group laughing)

Go in my car.

- So I tried smut once. I know.

- That's okay.
- But I felt like

I was encountering a lot of cock.

- A lot of cock?
- Yeah, too soon.

- Oh.
- Ideally,

that word doesn't exist.
(group laughing)

I'm being completely honest.

- But you want just like a little bit?

- Well, I want a little bit later on

once I feel like we know each other.

- You could do a three,
two or a one chili pepper.

- This is, wow. It's amazing.

- Maybe you should get smut.
- Invest.

- Yeah, this sounds
like you're interested.

- No, I know what to buy
my wife for her birthday.

- Oh, okay.
- Oh!

- Maybe start with Court of Thorns, maybe.

That's like a fun middle of the road smut.

- Court of Thorns.

- Amanda, thank you so much!
(group cheering)

Wow.
- Thank you, all!

(cheering)

- Whoa.
- Oh my God!

(pensive music)

(keyboard clacking)

- Hi, everybody.

Throughout my life,

I've struggled with reading and spelling.

I was diagnosed with dyslexia
when I was in college.

So let's say like my relationship

with words have been a bit complicated.

My family would wonder, like, "Kwesi,

why are you having such
a hard time reading?"

It took me a really long time.

But finally with a clear perspective,

I realized I wasn't the problem.

- Hmm.
- It was English all along.

- Oh.
- Allow me to present

things about the English
language that make no sense.

- Yeah.
(group clapping)

- A break up story.
- Yeah.

- By Kwesi James.
- Yeah.

- Follow me.
(gentle music)

In the beginning it was easy.

Like A, B, C until it became complicated.

- Mm-hmm.
- You see, English and I,

we had like, we had this spark, yo,

we had like this je ne sais quoi.

(group gasping)
Know what I'm saying?

Like that real love.
- Hmm.

- Y'all know that love, that
Mary J. Blige type real love?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

That love where English and I

would finish each other's sentences.

(group laughing)

- Ah, ah.

Apple.
- Whoa.

- Ba, ba.

Ball.

You're getting it.
- Okay.

- Ca ca. Sound it out.

- [Group] Ca ca.

- [All] Cat.

- So as the relationship got stronger,

things begun to get a bit sketchy.

See English started displaying,

let's call it, fraudulent behavior.

- Uh.

- PH started pretending to be F.

- Oof.
- Yeah.

- Now I'm all good with a
little bit of identity fraud.

You know what I'm saying?

Like that ain't really hurt nobody.

That's all good.

But the crime started to get more bold,

more brazen, more deceiving.

(somber music)

Y'all don't hear me though.

- No, we hear you.
- We're listening.

We are here.
- Here.

- Mm-hmm.
- See, English like to scam.

Y'all remember I before E except after C?

- Yeah, for sure. Yep.

- You see, for English,
that wasn't a rule.

That was a pyramid scheme.
- Aw.

(group laughing)
(group gasping)

- Know what I'm saying?

Riddle me this, Batman.

Does any of these words
look like I before E

except at the C?

I'll wait.
- Gosh.

- No, I'll wait.

Take a look.
- Hold on.

(group murmuring)

- Wait, the H. Wait.
- I before E.

- I before E.
- No, wait!

- I'll wait!

(group crosstalking)

- None of them!

I before E, except...

- They're all fucked!

(group continues crosstalking)

- That's the point of the slide.

- They're all bad.
- They're all fucked.

- Riddle me that, Batman!
- Wow.

- Does any of that look like I before E

except after C?

Is it just me?
- No.

- But y'all don't hear me though.

- We hear you.
- I hear you.

- Oh, y'all don't hear me though.

- We hear you!

- Y'all don't hear me though.

(group laughing)

- I hear you.
- I'm trying.

(group laughing)
- We're trying.

- See now, then English
went international with it.

- Oh.
- English started

stealing from different
countries and different cultures.

- Yeah.
- English was on that

international word thievery.
- Mm.

- You know what I'm saying?

Sometimes stealing words
without any context at all.

Stealing from Arabic,

stealing from French,

stealing from Japanese,

stealing from German,

stealing from Latin.
- Oh my God.

- But still, still that didn't break us.

Not at all.

English and I, we had
like this bond together.

See, it was the silence that broke us.

(group gasping)

- The silent letters.

- English will add extra
silent letters to words

that made absolutely no sense at all.

- Yeah.
- Know what I'm saying?

- [Group] Yeah.

- Y'all don't hear me though.

- No, we hear you.
- We hear you.

- No, no, y'all don't hear me though.

(group yelling)

- Y'all here with me?
(group continues yelling)

- Y'all don't hear me though.

(group continues yelling)

- What can we do to convince you?

- Words like knight.

- [Group] Oh.
- Right?

- Boo!
- Yeah.

- All right.
- Okay.

- Island.
- Oh!

- What is island spelled like that?

- I don't know.
(group laughing)

- Y'all just accept that?
- No!

- Psychology?
- Yeah. That's crazy.

- That one's hard.

- And y'all just like, let it ride.

- I didn't do it.
- No.

- Debt!
- That's crazy.

- Crazy!
- That one is crazy.

- Subtle.
- That's so subtle.

- Subtle.
- Subtle. The b is subtle.

- Yeah, exactly.
- Gnome!

- Oh.
- Yeah, no.

- That's tough.
- Middle fingers up!

For the gnome!
- Fuck that!

- Lemme see your middle figures out y'all!

(group cheering)
- No gnome!

- Receipt.
(group murmuring)

- I can't handle it.
- What about that?

That P don't got a receipt.

Why is it there?

All I'm saying, salmon or sal-mon.

How you pronounce it?
- This one I hate.

- I pronounce it salmon.
I'm from Brooklyn.

Salmon. That's a fish.

- Salmon.
- Salmon.

- But this is why I
don't trust you, English.

This right here is why I don't trust you.

Make it make sense.
(somber music)

- Solder.
- Soldier.

- Soldier.
- No.

(group chattering)

- Solder.
- Solder.

- How the? What the hell?

In the mother?
- Yeah.

- Why is solder spelled like this?

- I didn't know.
- Solder. What is it?

What is that word even?

What is that word?
- Solder like the metal.

- Oh, like a soldering iron?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, hell no.
- Y'all don't hear me though?

- No!

(group yelling)

- We hear you.
- I hear you.

- Y'all don't hear me.
- We hear you!

- Is my mic on? Y'all don't hear me.

- It's on.
(group yelling)

- It's a small room.
(group laughing)

- I decided to get my sanity back.

I'm reclaiming.
- Okay.

- My life.
- Yes.

- Did I ate?
- Yes!

- You ate.
- We eating.

- So if you going do your thing, English,

how about Kwesi's new rules?
- Yeah.

- Spell it the way you say it.
- Yes.

- Spell it the way you say!

Say it after me.

- [All] Spell it the way you say it!

- One more time.

- [All] Spell it the way you say it!

- Let me hear you in the back!

- [All] Spell it the way you say it!

- Let me hear you outside!

- [All] Spell it the way you say it!

- What kind of shoes is these?

- Ballet shoe.
- Ball-et shoes.

- Oh.
- Ball-it.

- BAL-LAY. Yes!
- Bal-lay.

(group chattering)

- Hey, that sounds good.
- Yeah, it looks good.

- What kind of game you
play with these sticks?

- [Group] Croquet.

- What kind of game you play?

- Cro-kay.
- Yes, cro-kay.

- I was right!

- What's a fancy way to say food?

- Hors d'oeuvres.
- Gor-may!

(group laughing)
- Gor-may!

- Yep.

- Hors d'oeuvres is also fucked.

- Who's this white man on the bag?

- Ker-nel!
- Colonel.

- Ker-nel.
- Yep.

- Spell it the way you say it!

- But there is a word that is kernel like-

- I ain't asking you no questions yet!

(group laughing)
- Sounds good.

- Now lemme ask you a question.

Who all these nice white people

with that racially
ambiguous guy in the back?

- Choir. Choir.
- Choir?

- Quire.
- Yes.

(group chattering)

- It's just squire with the S.

- I think he's Indian.
(group laughing)

- When does Dropout pay us?
- Wednesday?

- Wens-day.
- Yeah.

- Wens-day.
- Yep.

- When Dropout hit that check,

what kind of boat I'mma buy?

- Yacht.
- Damn right, I'mma buy a damn yot.

(group laughing)

- Yep.
- Yot!

- Damn right, I'mma buy a yot.

(group laughing)

- I'mma buy a big ass
boat, I'mma boy a yot.

(group laughing)

- I gotta renegotiate my rate.
- Yeah, yeah.

What the hell?
(group chattering)

- I just wanna go on the yot!

- For this show? (laughing)

- See.
(gentle music)

It's not only you, English, it's me, too.

Because with all the struggles we've had,

all the trials and tribulations,

I know that, you taught me patience.

- Aw.
(group sighs)

- You taught me humility.
- Ah, wow.

- I don't like seeing this.
- You taught me resilience.

- Ah, how sad.
- You taught me curiosity.

- Geez.
(gentle music)

- You taught me adaptability.

You taught me acceptance.
- Wow.

- A Dodgers fan.
- English, you're chaotic.

But you're my English.
- Aw.

- Chills?
- I love you.

And I miss you.
- Wow.

- Thank you.
- Wow.

(group clapping)

- Kwesi, thank you so much

for that enlightening presentation.

And now to kick off the Q&A.

- Are you getting back
together with English?

Is this a plea?
- I can't leave it.

Can't leave it.
- So you guys,

you're trying to
reconcile your differences

and maybe you can meet in the middle?

Spell it the way you say it?

- Let me tell you something.
- Yes, please.

- It's the language I dream in.

- Yeah.
- Mm.

- It's the language I speak. Mm.

- [Group] Yes.
- Hmm.

- Yo, lemme tell you something.

You ready for it?
- Mm-hmm.

- It's the language I think in. Ow.

- Wow.
- Stop playing.

I can't leave English.
- No, you can't.

- We had our differences.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Just wondering.

For like encountering somebody,

I know a lot of people who say sal-mon

and every time I want to to hurt them.

You like, how do we deal
with that in the real world?

- Put your finger up.

Say no, no, no, no, no,

- No, no, no, no, no.

- Turn around. Walk away.
- Oh.

- Hey.
- And I got a problem with,

I got a bone to pick with you!

- Me?
- You!

- What do you call something
that's not a banana.

You fry it up and you eat it.

- [Group] Plantain.

- It's a plan-tin.

Do you climb a moun-tain, huh?

Ya'll climb moun-tains around here?

Do you drink from a foun-tain?

- Sometimes.

- But you want to eat plan-tains?

- Yes.
- Okay.

- Make it make sense.

Y'all don't hear me though?
- No, we hear you.

(group yelling)

- Y'all don't hear me. My mic ain't on.

- I hear you!
- My mic ain't on.

Y'all hear me? Sound guy, am I working?

Y'all don't hear me though.

- Oh my God, I hear you!

- This isn't a question.
This is just a comment.

I hear you.
- Hm.

- That's all.
- Y'all hear me in the back?

- [Group] We hear you!

- What if you have an accent

and you're from somewhere
else, like tomato, tomato,

bagel, bah-gul.
- Oh.

- Ha-vard, Harvard.
- Lemme tell you something.

- You know what I'm talking about.

- Lemme tell you something.
- Uh-oh.

- No.
- Feel that, uh-oh.

- No.
- Lemme tell you something.

- Please.
- Uh-oh.

- Uh-huh?
- He's done-

- The trick is spell
it the way you say it.

Ain't no accents.

- Ain't no accents?
- Okay.

- Okay.
- None?

- At all.
- Accents don't matter.

All I want you to do is-
- No, I get it, please.

- No, you ain't getting it.

This is all I want you to do.

- No.
- Oh my God.

- All I want you to do!

Wait for it.
- Please-

- This is chaos.
- Spell it!

- [All] The way you say it!

- One more time.

- [All] Spell it the way you say it!

- Is it a moun-tain?
- No.

- It's a what?
- Moun-tin.

- It is a plan-tain?
- Yes.

(group laughing)

- That's why I love it.

You gotta spell it the way you say it.

But what if we start saying
it the way we spell it, right?

What if we got ball-et shoes?
- Hmm.

- What if you buying a ya-ka-t?

- Or ba-lag-na. We're putting-
- Nah, son. Nah, son.

- All right.
- Spell it

the way you say it.

It's already the word.

It just don't make no sense.
- That's true.

- The whole thing is
the way we accepted it.

- Yeah.
- Those days are over.

Spell it the way you say it.

- I have a question.

Can you go back to your previous slide?

- Talk to me.
- Chaotic.

Shouldn't that be Chow-tic?
- Yeah, K-A.

- Spell it different?

Can we spell it different?

- Yeah.
- K-A-Y.

(everyone spelling the word differently)

- Chaotic.
- Or K-A-Y-A-H.

- No.
- Wait, Joey, you're crazy.

(group chattering)

- 'Cause that's like uh?

- Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.
- What?

- I think y'all hear me now?
(group yelling)

- You haven't heard me!
- Y'all hear me!

(group yelling)

- Go two back.
- Go two back?

- Dictionary? Wait, no, one more.

- No, that's me.
- Dictionary.

- Oh, talk to me.
- Dictionary.

D-I-C.
- C-H-U-N.

- S-H.
- Y'all can year me?

Y'all can see me?
- Yeah.

- Am I real boy?
(group cheering)

- It's not just me?
- No.

- Imagine having dyslexia
with this world, yo.

Shit crazy, man.
- That's wild.

- Words don't make no sense, man.

- It doesn't make any sense.

- They're just making up these rules.

Hootie dootie hootie dootie.

- What about the Brits?

They got all sorts of, you
know, alu-mini-e-um, aluminum,

color with a U.

- You know what he's gonna say?

- Sexual.
- Tao, why did you-

- Tao.
- Tao.

- Y'all don't hear me though?

(group chattering)
- No, no, no, no.

Because this is, why, Tao?

- Oh, no.
- Oh.

- No, Tao, you did this to yourself!

(group chattering)

- You did this to yourself, Tao.

- He fucked you.
- You fucked up, Tao.

Tao, you fucked up!
(group laughing)

- I apologize.
- Tao,

what is Kwesi's new rules?

- [All] Spell it the way you say it!

- The British spell it differently, Tao.

What the fuck? Am I?

Can y'all hear me?
- Yes!

- What the fuck?

What the hell?
- Tao!

- I'm getting dehydrated
with all this mess.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Get him some water.

- Someone get him water.
- Somebody help him!

- Somebody, help this guy.

- Can you hear him?
- I feel so sick.

Does anyone have any more questions?

- No. Say it again, I dare you.

- Just say no.
- Say it again.

No, no, no.
(group chattering)

- I dare you to have another question.

Have another question. I dare you!

- No, this is in fact,

the first time we've had
a perfect presentation.

Thank you so much, Kwesi!

(group cheering)

(pensive music)

(horn honks)

- Well, we learned a lot tonight.

And with that, our secret
meeting must come to a close.

Let us venture back into the shadows

a little more enlightened than before.

Thank you and goodnight.

(upbeat swanky music)
(group clapping)

(group chattering)
(upbeat music continues)

(group chattering)
(upbeat music continues)

(gentle reflective music)
(group continues chattering)