All language subtitles for EPORNER.COM - [G6qJMlKyEGn] Naughty Network (US 1981) (360)

Gentlemen.

Ladies, as president of WHAC, I suppose
you expect congratulations

on our being the number one X -rated
network in the United States.

You know, a full 75 % of the top -rated
programs on the tube this year

originate on this network.

Now, I should be happy.

I should be content.

I should take a vacation and get a tan.

But I am not happy, and I am not

content, and I can't rest.

And I refuse to take a vacation and get
a goddamn tan like a honky faggot

in the marina.

Not while there's a single program not
number one on WHAC in its

time slot.

Never!

And now, here we are in the red.

And what do I see here?

And here? And here?

What are these?

Losers! Schmuckouts!

Whimps! Less than bass wasters.

Is that what we want on WHAZ? No, Mr.
Blackman.

I know.

You're proud men and women. You've
worked damn hard.

You know, your little whorehouse on the
prairie won an hour on Monday night that

no one's been ever to capture before.

And Tuesday night, the mating game, just
sensational.

Genitals prefer blondes.

won an award for the highest rated movie
made for TV this season.

We can be proud of these things. Yes.

But until we're number one across the
board, you niggers better get your asses

in gear.

You dig?

Yes, Mr. Blackheart Man.

That's better.

That's better.

Because we still...

have some damn tough competition to
face. For instance, there's one that

first place for the past six years.

It's creamed. Everything we put up
against it, comedies, reruns, game

nothing seems to stop it. I'm referring,
of course, to that old war horse,

General Hospital.

But I have faith in you motherfuckers.

I'm anxious to hear the solutions that
your white depraved brains came up with.

So I give you our vice president in
charge of programming for our dramatic

daytime series, Mr. Barry Hooper. Barry.

Thanks, big guy.

Okay.

We finally realized what the key to
general hospital success really was.

General Hospital is what the American
housewife watches at that time of day

because after the kitchen is mopped,
those brats are off to school.

That third martini's slugged down.

The neurotic next -door neighbor
consoled. The mother -in -law kicked

The dog driven to obedience school.

The goddamn mail lugged in from the
mailbox.

The American housewife wants to.

The American housewife needs to. In
fact, she demands to be in one place,

one place only, and that's the friggin'
hospital!

I don't know why the hell we didn't
realize this sooner. But now that we do,

we've come up with the perfect
competition.

A hospital show to beat General Hospital
at its own game.

And with our own special whack.

Touches, of course.

We call it...

Genital Hospital!

Hmm.

Well, your pressure's a little low
there, Ronnie. Not feeling so well

huh?

Afraid not, Doc.

I... Ah,

nurse. I've been expecting you.

So, how's my paper today?

Nurse, I'd like you to take the
patient's vital signs. Yes, doctor.

And could you get me a specimen, too?

Yes, doctor.

Okay, Ron, why don't you just roll over?

Ow!

Damn it, that hurts! Now, Ronnie, you
heard what the doctor said.

I'm not going to let you do it to me.

Now, Ronnie, you heard what the doctor
said. Now, just relax.

Now what are you doing?

Hush now. I've work to do. I'm just
checking your vital signs like the

told me to.

Okay, now.

This won't hurt a bit.

How come you gotta go stick that thing
in me like that?

I'm just getting your anal temperature.

Now just relax and be cool.

Why do you expect me to be cool when
you're making me so hot?

Ah!

Crying out loud. What do you think I am,
a pincushion?

Now, Ronnie, you're just being
difficult.

Here, let me show you. It won't hurt a
bit.

Now just take the thermometer and stick
it in my pussy and get it a little wet.

And then stick it in the little hole
above that.

Gee,

it goes in so easy.

That's right, love.

You can stick almost anything in there
you want.

Here, let me flip this off and I'll show
you.

Why don't you try your fingers for
starters?

I can't take it.

Gee,

this is fun.

Bet you could even take this Coke
bottle.

Are you kidding?

Here, let me spread my cheeks for you.

Ooh, baby, that feels so good.

You're getting the right idea now.

Here.

Let me get your car card and put that
in, too.

Serious?

Mm -hmm

Having fun?

Oh, you bet.

A nurse's work is never done.

um um

Nurse, what in the hell is going on
here?

Just getting the specimen for you,
doctor.

Here you go.

Fine work, nurse.

Until next time.

Don't ruin a perfectly good banana. His
Medi -Cal does not cover perishables.

Now, get your butt up to Ward 8. Mr.
Peterson is due for a dong extension

operation, and he has not even shaved
yet.

Yes, I understand, sir.

You know, I'll never find that little
thing unless he's shaved.

Can I get a new sheet?

Lights! Lights!

Will somebody turn up the goddamn
lights?

Cool it, you horny honkies.

Oh, fantastic stuff, Hooper. Christ!

I gotta change underwear.

I feel like I'm sitting in hot butter.

Real wanker.

I liked it, Hooper. I damn well liked it
a lot.

So I see.

How do you see it going story -wise, I
mean, from there, champ? Well, that's

beautiful part of it, Blackie.

I mean, Mr.

Blackman. The yarn can go in a million
ways.

If a nurse catches on, she becomes a
regular.

If not, she gets a bug in the infectious
ward and dies dramatically.

We have half a dozen stories already.

All winning. I can see it now.

My first job, a young nurse's...

First shift in the emergency ward of a
big city sex clinic.

Ah, critical hard -ons wheeled in one
after another.

Terminal cases of horniness.

Or, how's about organ transplants mother
never told me about?

Or, surgeons I have sucked by a head
nurse.

I'd like to see the story of a young
nurse.

How I lost the battle when there was no
orderly withdrawal.

90 % of the hospitalized guys we
interviewed wanted to fuck their nurses.

99 % of the hospitalized women we
interviewed wanted their doctors to do

exploratories on their pussies.

It's a natural.

Okay, okay, okay.

So we got one more winner.

But that's not any reason to get cocky.
There's more to conquer.

For instance, there's that Marlon
Perkins and his faggot wild kingdom.

You pussy -hating assholes better come
up with a solution for that one.

Or else. So I give you a Bill Robbins
vice president in charge of cutesy

animal programming.

Thanks, big guy.

Oh, goodness.

Mr. Perkins has been around so long with
his terrible wild kingdom.

He's had the number one spot for nature
programs for a coon's age.

And those who are not watching that,
they're watching Disneyland.

Well, this time we think we have the old
buzzard's beat.

with Wild and Crazy Kingdom.

Like, you know, we put it through our
computers, and we put together Wild

Kingdom and Disneyland, and it just
popped out.

It's animals, and it's fairy tales, and
it's sexy, and it's wings.

So, the animals in our pilot are too

dynamite. And devastatingly gay
penthouse pinups.

What the hell kind of animal looks like
a penthouse pinup?

Looks sweetheart.

Penthouse did a 12 -page spread on us.
They liked it so much.

Hard to beat that kind of PR, baby.

Suck it to them, Harry.

Now, you kiddies, you just sit back and
relax and you enjoy. Our first episode

begins now. Just after, the poor
butterfly finds herself ensnared in the

spider's web.

You didn't have to do that.

Stop it! Damn it!

What do you want from me?

Please.

Why don't you speak?

Thank you

You didn't have to trap me.

You're so beautiful.

Why don't you say something?

Could it be that you can't speak?

That's it, isn't it?

Oh, poor baby.

You're just looking for a little love,
just like everyone else.

You didn't have to trap me for that.

Thank you.

Bye.

Yeah.

What do you think, MB?

Right on. Now you're rocking me, baby.

Who was that spider anyway?

I never had a bug give me a heart on
before. A bug on, yeah.

Her name was Linda Longlegs. We found
her at a routine marketability test in

Tampa.

Very likable.

Very versatile. And very gay.

Oh, I didn't see that.

Okay, so we're hot now, huh?

But who's got the solution to be
knocking out that mother of Mother's

Hey, Big Chief, I know I got the
solution.

Give me a minute.

You might be surprised with what we came
up with, Mighty Magoo.

It's a real peach.

It's called...

Trash.

Trash? I can dig it. You got something
there, fella.

Sure. The hilarious.

The hilarious.

The hilarious, hilarious episodes of an
army recruiting office.

Fire up that projector and let him have
it right between the eyes.

We even have a sponsor.

Stinky Beans presents Trash.

Stinky Beans. They smell so bad.

And so will you.

The beans with the afterburn.

Pinky beans. They'll light up your life.

Mmm.

Have you seen the recruiting figures for
last month?

How the hell are we going to defend this
country against the red menace with the

kind of crap we're getting in this all
-volunteer army?

Misfits, goofballs, guys not even fit to
clean latrines.

I can't show those motivational index
scores to Washington. They'll have me

sweating my ass out on some goddamn
forsaken desert with some goddamn A -rab

his goddamn flea -bitten camel, for
Christ's sakes.

Yes, sir.

Just look at the motivational index
scores on these guys.

New York, 21.

New England, 26.

California, 16.

And half of them have got brain damage.

Cleveland, 16 and sinking fast.

And Little Rock, Arkansas, average
motivational index, 200.

200, sir?

200?

In Little Rock?

What the hell does Little Rock know that
the rest of the damn country doesn't?

They must be doing something right, sir.

Maybe we should investigate their
recruiting methods.

Crothers, I just had a brilliant idea.

Maybe we should investigate their
recruiting methods.

I want you to get your ass down to
Little Rock and find out what those

are doing.

And go in plain clothes.

I want the unvarnished truth.

They must have some sort of secret
weapon or something like that.

Great idea, sir.

I'll get right on it.

You're not the chaplain. Come on in,
honey.

Well, what can I do for you, good
-looking?

Well, I can't seem to find a good job,
so I was considering enlisting.

Can you tell me what kind of career
opportunities the Army might have for

Well, I have a few questions I have to
ask you, so if you want to just sit down

and answer them.

What's your name?

Barry Carruthers. I guess you could put
it that way.

Okay, and your age?

19. Okay, what's your sexual
preferences? Women, young girl, men,

none of the above?

I like women.

Women, very good.

How many sexual experiences have you
had? Under 10, under 50, or over 50?

Under 10.

Oh, we'll have to do something about
that.

And what sex aids do you prefer?

Vibrators, cucumbers,

greased pig, or Black & Decker routers?

I like carpentry, so I guess it would be
the routers.

Well, that looks like good Army
material.

Say, how come all these questions are
about sex?

Because the Army wants to make sure
you're a real man.

I think the Lieutenant's ready to see
you now, so follow me.

At ease, Mr. Carruthers.

I've taken some plasma experience.

Yeah.

Well, what can you become a mechanic?

Oh, you mean like oiling crankshafts?

Checking proper lubrication?

Making sure all cylinders are pumping as
fast and as smooth as they can? Hmm?

Hmm? Well, yes, I guess.

But that questionnaire.

All it asked about was sex.

That's all we're interested in around
here.

If you can't charge with your cock,
well, what can you charge with?

I never thought of it that way.

Of course not.

You're not paid to think in the Army.

Here, put this on, and we'll run through
some more preliminary testing.

Are you kidding?

I don't have any problem with that.

The first thing a soldier learns in the
Army is to take orders.

Drop your pants, Clutters, and put that
on.

Hmm.

Nice fit.

Hmm.

Nice butt.

Yes, Clutters, I think you'll do well
for the Army.

But I'd like to give you a little more
basic training, and then we'll see if

want to sign up.

Private Ress, would you please come into
my office?

Yes, ma 'am. You want my hot husband?

All right, crudders.

Let us just say that Private Rest here
is an enemy spy.

How did you go about getting information
from her?

Well, I'd shine a bright light in her
eyes and threaten her with cigarettes.

Just as I thought.

Typical old -fashioned male -servant
tactic.

Well, in today's army, we have a lot
better method.

Private Rest.

Take care, folks.

Okay, Crothers.

Get these restraints and help me tie her
up. Tight.

Is that okay?

That's fine.

Now, suck the suspect's nipple so that
she'll know you're her friend.

Very light, light circular motion.
Around and around the nipple with your

tongue.

That's right.

See her submissing to you now? Do you
see how happy you're making her?

Now, work your way down her torso with
your tongue.

Lightly.

Lightly.

Yes, now suck her pussy through her
panties.

That's that.

Yes,

Private Rex, you're having a good time,
aren't you?

How are you doing down here, brothers?

Not very well, I can see.

Rip those panties off. Let me see if
it's like a real cunt.

Rip them! Rip them!

Great. Now, let me see how you do.

No, no, no, no. Up higher.

There you go.

Faster.

Faster, faster.

What do you think God gave you that
tongue for? Come on.

Nah.

Get out of the way. Let me show you how
to eat a tongue.

Fuck.

I'm very impressed.

You should be.

Take those rest of the things off and
step over here.

And the army require teamwork.

So I'm going to have you stick this
boner inside me.

Oh. Oh.

Those recruiters sure have some unusual
methods.

They nearly scared the pants off of me.

Well, explain yourself, man. I don't
have all day.

I think the poster will explain it
better.

Holy mackerel, that was so one fine
seed.

I'll tell you something. I do feel
better.

Yes, yes, yes.

But we still need something to go up
against Hollywood squares.

Something with a woman's touch.

Any ideas?

Well, I've got something, big boy.

Something that'll get their juices
flowing.

Their bodies melting. Their nipples
hardening.

The pussy again.

Yes, the asshole's pulsating.

Okay, okay.

Go on, honey.

Sure, baby, sure.

Look, in the morning, when a woman's
lonely, she wants

her man back, so we do our soap.

Yes, our star is on the cover of
Penthouse Magazine.

And since our toilet wife has promised
to sponsor the show, I mean, what else

can you ask for?

Anyway, I'm going to show you the pilot
and then their commercial.

Yes, it's a real stinker.

Anyway, here it is.

I'll leave that shit.

What if the guy doesn't flush the
toilet?

Yeah, I bet it would just keep on going
and going and going.

A tad slow, Audrey, but, uh... Oh,
but... But it's sensitive, Andy.

I mean, it is basically a woman's piece,
but... Oh, but a sensitive man can

surely see its worth.

Well, a more sensitive man never walked
this earth, honey.

But I'd still like to see somebody come
in that broad space, huh?

So, uh, let's put some tunnel shots in
it, huh?

How about it, old man?

Meta?

Stick it.

Next. And this time, let's have a good
idea.

Oh, Chief.

I was hoping to hear from somebody to
cheer me up, for God's sakes.

Okay, okay, Chief. I know. You see me,
hairy legs, and you think of failure.

Dismal failure, you putz. Your attempts
to counter days of our lives haven't

gotten us more than a three -share in
that time slot. Oh, okay, okay. I hear

you. But that was last week.

But this week, we put together a... We
had a brainstorm, and we put together a

sample, and I think you're going to...

Cream your jeans for it. I really and
truly, honest to God, do. Okay, okay,

legs. Let's see what you've come up
with.

We call it the young and the horny.

This is the house where my husband and I
are going to stay when we get big.

And that's our little dark house, and
this is where our baby's going to live.

That little shack may be okay for you,
but I've got bigger plans.

This is my castle, and this is the
bridge where my prince is going to come

save me. We're going to live happily
ever after.

That's better than living in a dump in
the valley.

Wouldn't you like some prince to come
save you, Rita?

My prince has already come.

Rita, what's that big dirty thing?

That's not a home. That's a... It's a
big cot.

And you'll never guess what happened to
me yesterday.

Was it nasty?

Oh, was it ever.

Did you get to do it with a boy?

You bet I did.

Oh, Rita, tell us about it.

Okay, but you can't tell anyone.

Because if you do, I get in such
trouble.

Well, you see, the salesman came over
yesterday after I got home from school.

And he was selling some gifts.

Uh, hi.

Is your mother home, miss?

Uh -uh. She's at her bridge club.

I see.

Well, I guess I'll come back later. Do
you know when she'll be home?

Not for quite a while. What do you got?

I got some gifts and things, you know.
Do you think she might like to buy some

gifts for her friends?

Gee, I don't know.

Why don't you come in and show me what
you have?

Well, okay.

So, what's your name?

Bobby. Mine's Rita.

Hi, Rita.

Well, Bobby, what have you got you want
to show me?

Well, uh, okay.

We have here some very nice samples.

These, uh, rollers, for instance, are...
Can I try one?

Well, only if you're going to buy them.

Ooh, I like that.

What, this?

Do you think your mom might like it?

Well, I was thinking it would be nice to
shave all this icky hair off.

Well, I'm sure it would be, but what
would your mom and dad say?

What I do with my pussy is my own
affair, right?

Right.

Don't you think I have a cute pussy?

Well, yeah, but these things just don't
happen.

You don't have to be so nervous, Bobby.

My parents won't be home for hours.

So let's just see how good this thing
shaves. If it does a good job, then

I'll buy it.

Okay.

Here, you have to shave it so that I
don't hurt myself.

Size of salesman should do the first
demonstration, right?

Customer's always right, I guess.

Will you give me a hand?

You bet.

Don't worry, I'll be real careful.

You should have seen this guy as he
shaved me bare. His eyes lit up and he

so hot his cock was going to tear
through his pants.

Here you go, Bobby.

Will you put some olive oil on so I
don't break out in a nasty rash, would

huh? Sure.

You know, Rita, you have such a nice
pussy.

You should keep it shaved all the time
so it's never covered.

Feels so nice when you play with it,
mister.

That feels so nice once you put your
tongue on it and suck it, too.

Okay.

He sucked so good on my little thing
that I wanted to scream.

I felt so tingly inside, so I reached
down and started to play with his hard

cock. Then I just couldn't help myself.
I pulled it out and stuck it deep inside

me.

I love the way God can put so easily in
and out.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm going to come.

I'm going to come.

Oh, I'm going to come.

Oh, please, no. I don't want to get
pregnant. Just let me. I'll let you do

my mouth, okay?

Okay, okay.

You know what, lady?

That's the best sales demonstration I've
ever done in my whole life.

That was the best youth -oriented
product I've had this month, too.

We said goodbye real fast, but he said
he'd come back when my mom isn't home.

Oh, man, that sounds nasty.

What did his thing taste like?

Well, it was warm and a little salty,
but I liked it.

Oh, I wish something like that could
happen to me.

Well, heck, I have his number.

Well, do you think he'd want to? After
all, we're just 13 -year -old virgins.

Hey, it's his job.

He's got to know his territory, right?

Right.

Will Rita, Robin, and Jackie fuck Bob?

Will Rita's mother find out and tell
Jackie's dad?

Is Robin really a virgin?

Tune in tomorrow for the next thrilling
installment of The Young and the Horny.

I think that's the most inspiring piece
of goddamn work I've ever seen. If

anybody can look at...

That stuff like that and then call
American TV a great wasteland. Well, I

know my cock from a pole in the ground.

What do you think, gang?

Gang?

Is anybody listening out there?

Oh, hell.

A leader's place is with his men.

Or women.