All language subtitles for The.Office.US.S03E24.EXTENDED.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

Hey, I'm really sorry that I
didn't come to your art show.

Okay.

Is that all you've heard?
'Cause I said some other stuff.

Really?
I don't--I--

You know what's interesting?

I don't feel embarrassed
at all.

I just feel good.

Good.

If you don't have
anything to say,

you don't have to say anything.

Or no--
I take that back.

You have to say something.

(Michael)
Hey, you guys!
I'm doing it!

I'm walking on
boiling steam!

[laughs]

How can you even think about
leaving that?

Hey, can anybody
see this?

[laughs]

David.

Oh, Michael.

Are we all set?

Isn't...our
interview tomorrow?

Yes.

I just happened to be
in the neighborhood,

thought I'd drop in,
say hello.

Just happened to be
in Midtown Manhattan?

Thought I'd catch
a show.

Middle of a work day?

No.

You know what?

Since I'm here,
let me ask you

a few questions
about the job.

Okay.

Um, how many people
are you interviewing?

We're only interviewing
branch managers

and some lower level
company people.

Ah, well.
Good.

Out of curiosity,
are you interviewing anyone

who's been here
longer than I have,

or manages more people?

I don't think so.
Great.

One more question.

When you merged those branches,
who did you put in charge?

I believe we put you
in charge.

Ah, great.
No further questions.

Okay, Michael.
Okay.

I'm really looking forward
to our interview.

And I'm really looking forward
to working with you.

I have got it made
in the shade.

I know this company.

The other branch managers
are total morons.

Hey, Pam, yeah.

I forgot what day
the interview was,

and I drove
to New York accidentally.

Be, like, three hours late.

[cheerful music]

* *

(Pam)
See, I have 600.

Yeah, I don't have--

(Kevin)
Hey.

Hey, Kev.

What's different
about you?

You look worse.

Thank you.

He got a haircut.

It's sexy.
Hot.

Oh.

(Meredith)
Turn around.

No.
Come on.

No, thanks.
Do it!

(Andy)
Lull-up do!

What's up, Big Haircut?

You are no longer
Big Tuna.

From henceforth, you shall
be known as Big Haircut.

Andy, just--

What, just Big Haircut?
Nothing.

Sorry, can't hear you,
Big Haircut.

Yup.
What?

Karen suggested
that I get a haircut

for the interview tomorrow.

So that I could look
presentable.

And not, as she
so lovingly puts it,

homeless.

Hey.

I think it looks great.

Thanks, Pam.

After I had my little outburst
at the beach,

Jim was really nice
about it.

He just basically said

that he missed
my friendship too,

and I would always mean
a lot to him.

And I understand
where he's coming from.

For the record,
I am not embarrassed at all.

It needed to be said,
and I said it.

And it only took me
three years

to summon the courage,
so...

[whispering]
thank you.

[knocking]
Yeah?

You wanted to see me?

Yes.

The time has come
to name my own replacement.

So please hand this letter
of congratulations

to Dwight K. Schrute.

But that's my name.

"Dwight, congratulations,
a-wipe.

Don't screw the pooch."

[crying]

[sighing]
Oh.

[whispering]
Thank you.

Okay.

[sobbing]

All right.

Thank you, Michael.

Okay.

Thank you so much.
Please.

Please stop crying.
[sobbing]

Seriously, Dwight.

Stop crying.
Thank you.

[groans]

You know, Dwight, stop crying,

or I'm gonna
take it away from you.

You'll take it away from me?

Please, no.
No.

I'm not gonna
take it away from you.

You're not?
No.

You're not gonna
take it away from me?

Just try to act normal, please.

Don't--don't--
don't come around the desk--

[groans]

Hey.

Hey.

Um, about the beach.

It's okay, we all say things
without thinking.

Oh, no, it's not that.

I've actually been thinking
that for a long time.

And I'm glad I said it.

I just--I'm sorry
if it made you feel weird.

Oh.

Okay.

Pam is kind of a bitch.

Hey.

What if we leave tonight?

Grab a bite,
get a hotel room.

Enjoy the city
a little bit.

Uh...

I just have
so much paperwork to do.

[sighs]

Wow, done.
Okay, let's do it.

So I was wondering if Karen
and I could get off

a few hours early,
'cause we wanted to

spend the night
in the city.

Why, so you can do it?

Whoops.
No, um...

Well, I was thinking
that, uh,

actually, we could
all leave tomorrow.

And do a convoy.

You know?
Oh.

Convoys are really fun.

Pull up next to each other.

Give each other the finger.

Mm.
Hmm.

Moon each other.

Uh, we're gonna go
tonight.

But we're gonna see you there
tomorrow morning, right?

All right.
All right.

Your loss.
Wait.

Um, how would you moon us
if you were driving?

Cruise control.

Oh.

Mine.

[humming softly]

Just make sure
that after I leave

you don't move in
for at least a month.

Good idea.
Give it a chance to air out.

No, dummy.

You have to leave it
exactly as is

out of respect for those
who wish to mourn me.

Of course.

And give us a chance
to identify

the source
of that smell.

Just get out of here, okay?

So Jim, who do you think
is hotter,

Pam or Karen?

Yeah, I'm not gonna talk
about this now.

Pam is taller.

You sure?

Yes.

She has bigger breasts too.

Wow.

But I think Karen
has a prettier face.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

What else?

Well, I mean, Pam's face
is really pretty too.

It's a very tough call.

Mm.
Really tough call.

Yeah.

You know what?
Why don't you take

the rest of the day,
figure it out,

and then come back
and tell me what you got?

Will do.
All right.

(Kevin)
Yes.

Cool.

I have a project.

There's Jim.
My buddy Jim.

Oh, man.
So many memories.

So, there's Phyllis and Stanley
hard at work.

Toby, you ruined the picture,
man.

I'm sorry.
You want me to get you a--

No, no, no, you know what?

There's something
I wanna say to you

that I've never said
to you before.

Pam has actually inspired me
to just say the truth.

I hate your guts.

I know.

Wow, that felt
so good to say.

Oh, what a relief.
[laughs]

I feel invigorated.

Well, good luck
on the interview tomorrow.

Oh, hey.
Thanks for jinxing me, jerk.

And it's not just me.
everybody here hates you.

Uh, okay.

Hey, Pam.

I've been meaning
to say something to you.

I really miss
our friendship.

[laughter]

Ha ha, that's very funny.

I've never heard you
talk that much.

I thought it was Kelly.

Are you kidding?
I would never have done that.

It was Patheticville.

No offense, Pam.

(Meredith)
You know what?

Don't even worry about it.

Everyone was so drunk,

I bet no one even remembers
what you said.

I remember.

I blogged the whole thing.

www.creedthoughts.gov.
www/creedthoughts.

Check it out.

Last year, Creed asked me
how to set up a blog.

Wanting to protect the world
from being exposed

to Creed's brain,
I opened up a Word document

on his computer,
and put an address at the top.

I've read some of it.

Even for the Internet,

it's...pretty shocking.

There they are.

The accounting department.

I shall miss your humility

and your
promptly-printed checks.

You know, the three of you
have always worked together

like a three-wheeled unicycle.

Thank you.
Like a string quartet.

Like a fork.

Like...

three finely tuned
engines in the same car.

Or a tri-tip steak.

Or...

a "Three Amigos" fan club
with a lot of members in it.

Thanks, Michael.
Hey.

Do you think
it's gonna be weird?

Working with Jan
in New York?

No, not at all.

I haven't talked to Jan
since we broke up.

And I think if she had
something to say,

she would've called me.

Maybe you
should talk to her--

No, no, no, no.

You know what?

It's a done deal.

I basically have
the job already.

There's nothing she can do
to stop it now.

I already sold my condo.

Michael.

What?
Why?

I'm sorry,
that just doesn't make sense.

Yes.
W-why?

Who gave you
that advice?

Yeah, Michael, you should never
sell your condo--

I have to buy another place.

But you said you were
in debt.

You're not sure
that you have the job.

I sold it on eBay.

The buyer was very motivated,
as was I.

It went for 80%
of what I paid.

Sold in record time.

[laughs]

Something funny?

Um...

I'll tell you,
but you have to promise me

that you won't make
a big speech about it

two years from now.
Can you do that?

Forget it.
All right.

(Kevin)
Hey, Pam.

Do you do yoga?

No.

Ooh, that's gonna hurt you.

That's gonna hurt real bad.

New York real estate.

I started by looking
for a brownstone,

like the Huxtables had.

But instead I found this
very, very nice place

in Jamaica, Queens, man.

It is on the last stop
of the subway,

which is wonderful,
because if I fall asleep,

I still end up at home.

It is a sweet one bedroom.

I've a roommate,
Vijay Chokalingham.

He's a sophomore
in Queens College.

He actually works
in the Indian restaurant

right below the apartment.

So free food, and the place
always smells like curry.

So, win-win.

How would you like to spend
the night

with the regional manager
of Dunder-Mifflin Scranton?

No, Dwight, I don't care
if that's how

they consolidated power
in ancient Rome.

No, no.
Not--not Michael.

Me.

I'm taking his job.

Not now.

[deep breath]

Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor.

Jim, Jim, Jim.

Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim,
Jim, Jim, Jim.

Oh.
Hey, Dwight.

I'm going to be
your new boss.

[laughs]

It's my greatest dream
come true.

Welcome to the Hotel Hell.

Check-in time is now,
checkout time is never.

Does my room have cable?

No.

And the sheets
are made of fire.

Can I change rooms?

Sorry, we're all booked up.

Hell convention in town.

Can I have
a late checkout?

I'll have to talk
to the manager.

You're not the manager?
Even in your own fantasy?

I'm the owner.

The co-owner.

With Satan.

Okay,
just so I understand it.

In your wildest fantasy,
you are in hell.

And you are co-running

a bed and breakfast
with the devil.

Yeah, but I haven't told you
my salary yet.

Go.

$80,000 a year.

Once I am officially
regional manager,

my first order of business
will be to demote Jim Halpert.

So I will need
a new number two.

My ideal choice?

Jack Bauer.

But he is unavailable.

Fictional.

And overqualified.

"Position open.

"Assistant to
the regional manager.

Apply within."

Where do I sign up?

Within.
[scoffs]

You're not making
a very good first impression.

You know me, Dwight.
Dwight?

Dwight is my father's name.

You can call me Mr. Schrute.

All right, Mr. Schrute.

I will see you...

at the interview.

Yes, you will.

Who is D. Abramson?

Um, he's from that company
in Pittsburgh.

Michael.

Why...

are you here?

Uh, how are you?

I'm good.
How are you, Janet?

It's good to see you.

I'm great.

Uh, can we--

can we talk privately
for a minute?

Why privately?

Uh, I just--
I, uh, I don't, uh...

I-I don't like the way
that we left things.

Okay, sure.
Fine.

Um, why don't you wait
in my office?

I have some important
business matters

to take care of.

Okay.
Okay.

Pam, DEFCON 10.
Houston, we have a problem.

What do you want me
to do?

Uh, I may need
some immediate assistance.

If you would slowly and quietly

gather the ladies
in the conference room.

Phyllis, Angela, Karen.

What about Meredith?

No.

She's an alternate.

So how you been?

I've been good.
Good.

Good.
Yeah.

Oh.

Sorry to drop by
unexpectedly.

I, uh, tried calling,
but I kept getting voicemail.

Weird, yeah.

I didn't get
both of your messages.

Ah.

So, uh, Michael needs us
in the conference room.

Oh, is it Jan again?

Hey, uh,
before I leave tonight,

would you mind making
a half a dozen copies

of Jim's and my sales reports

for our interviews
tomorrow?

Uh, sure.
Thanks.

I really hope
you get the job.

Thanks.

After you ended everything
with us,

I went on a vacation.

Mm.

To kind of clear
my mind.

Sounds good,
sounds fun.

It was,
yeah, it was good.

[laughing]
I think I should just...

get right to the point,
you know?
Okay.

Um, I-I feel good
about myself

for the first time
in a really long time.

And I've made
some big changes

in my life,
and...

I miss you.

I want us
to get back together.

Would you excuse me
for a second?

Oh, okay.

DEFCON 20.

She wants to get
back together.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.
That's why you're here.

Help me, please.

Would you wanna get
back together with her?

No!
No.

What do I do?

Just don't get
back together with her.

What if she makes me?

How can she make you
get back together with her?

She made me do a lot of things
I didn't wanna do.

This was
a terrible relationship.

You were not happy
when you were with her.

I wasn't.

You're so much happier now.

Just go in there
and be strong.

You're right.

You are absolutely right,
I need to go in there

and tell her
that we can't be together.

(Pam)
Right.

Wow.
(Karen)
You can do it.

I'm in a very good place
right now.

Thank you.

[Pam whispering]
Go. Go, go.

[all sigh]

Okay.
[clears throat]

Jan...

We need to talk.

(Michael)
Jan is in a different place
right now.

And it is a sign
of maturity

to give people
second chances.

So I'm going to hear her out.

Oh, my God.

[mouthing]

Yeah, bigger actually.

[whispering]
That's crazy.

(Jim)
Mm-hmm.

[mouthing]
Wow!

Oh, my God,
can you believe that?

Unbelievable.

Wow.

(Jim)
She could put the cup
right there.

(Karen)
I know.

No, it's fine.

I'm sure it must've been weird
for Jim

when Roy and I
were joking around.

That one time.

(Meredith)
I would never do that.

Waste of money.

In my experience,
guys are way more attracted

to the back of you
than to the front.

I love fake boobs.

Oftentimes you find them
on strippers.

I find it offensive.

Au naturel, baby.

That's how I like 'em.

Swing low, sweet chariots.

Jan looks hot.

Yeah, Jan looks so hot.

So...

There are a lot of things
I would like to do differently.

Yeah.

I feel like
when we first got together,

that I had a problem
with my priorities.

First got priorities.

And if we could talk
about a way to approach

a possible reconciliation--

Let's get back together.

[laughs]

No.
No, no, no, no.

I'll tell you this,

it is not
because of the boob job.

Excuse me,
boob enhancement.

That would be shallow.

And this is the opposite
of shallow.

This is emotionally
magnificent.

Okay, everyone, listen up!

Time to begin
the interview process!

Andrew Bernard.

Saved the best
for first.

All right, you guys,
see you later.

Wish us luck.

No--hey, hey, hey,
do not wish them luck.

Do not wish them luck.

All luck must be wished
unto Michael.

(everyone)
Good luck, you guys.

What did I say?

Good luck.

Thanks.

(Pam)
I'm happy for him.

I hope he gets the job.

I really just want him
to be happy.

And I know that sounds cliché.

And I know saying
it sounds cliché sounds cliché.

Maybe I'm being cliché,
I don't care.

'Cause I am what I am.

That's Popeye.

I am going to begin
this process

with a simple test
of intelligence

and mental dexterity.

What is the best color?

White, because it contains
all other colors.

Wrong, black.
It is the most dominant.

How do you make a table?

You make a chair,
but you don't sit on it.

What is the capital
of Maine?

The capital of Maine
is Montpelier, Vermont.

Which is near Ithaca, New York,

where I went to Cornell.

Okay, also, moratorium
on Cornell talk.

Don't wanna hear about it.

Forget your personal history,

and learn the history
of this company.

Should not be a problem.

I minored in history

in the Ivy League school
which I attended.

You're not off
to a very good start, Bernard.

I agree.

But in another way,

I am off to a very good start,
wouldn't you say?

I am a great interviewee.
Why?

Because I have something
no one else has.

My brain.

Which I use to my advantage,
when advantageous.

What is 879 times 413.7?

2,401.647, repeating.

Inventor of the cotton gin?

Eli Edison.

When is the Paleolithic Age?

17 B.C.

Who was the second man
on the moon?

Trick question.

There was no second man
on the moon.

My brain makes me charming,
witty, intelligent.

And quick on my feet.

Talk me through
an appendectomy.

Step one, disinfection.

Step two, incision.

Step three,
remove the appendix tenderly

so it doesn't burst
and spread toxicity everywhere.

Step four,
the "ectomy" procedure.

Step five?

[indistinct]

Suture the wounds.
Sutures, yes.

Interviewing
is about setting traps,

waiting, and springing them.

What is the origin of species?
How far away is Venus?

Define scorched earth policy.
How do you please a woman?

What is a scented candle?

It is about mentally twisting
your opponent's thoughts

out of their heads,

and when they least suspect it,
strangling them with it.

What is the Dharma Initiative?

It is the source of all energy
on this planet--

Wrong, it is a corporation
formed by aliens.

It is chess.

Check.
No.

Checkmate.

[grunts]

Your hands are so soft.
[pants]

Thank you.

You didn't let me finish.

They're soft, like a woman's.

Trash talk!

Ooh, good one.
I wonder if I'll recover.

Oh--oh!
Looks like I did.

Time!
Nope, you failed.

Damn it!

This interview is over.
I'll let you know.

Hey, thank you so much

for driving me down
for my interview.

Totally.
No problem.

What are you interviewing for,
by the way?

My assistant, or...

Oh, you know,
I'm gonna have

a "Congratulations, Karen"
party,

um, tomorrow night
at my friend's house.

Oh, wow, that sounds fun.
Yeah.

Is your friend
named Karen too?

What did she accomplish?

No, I'm sorry.
I should've been clearer.

Uh-huh.
It's for me.

Oh.
'Cause I'm gonna get the job.

How remarkable.

Thanks.

[both exhale loudly]

Wait, let me just
check one more thing.

Oh, okay.

Very good.

All right, well,
I have to get back.

But I will see you
in New York tomorrow, right?

Yes, indeed.

Good luck
with your interview.

Thank you.

[Jan whispering]
Bye.

So I guess we're getting
back together.

What happened?

Your advice was good,

but Jan's was bigger.

(Michael)
Here's the sitch.

Two weeks ago,

I was in the worst relationship
of my life.

She treated me poorly.

We didn't connect.
I was miserable.

Now I'm in the best
relationship of my life

with the same woman.

Love is a mystery.

So, we have all night.
Where do you wanna go first?

I don't know.
How 'bout the U.N.?

How often do you
come here?

Mm, every time
my sixth grade class

goes on a field trip.

Well, I think you're really
gonna enjoy this, Adult Jim.

Hey, everybody.

The next time you see me,

I will be working
for corporate.

Starting tomorrow,
Dwight Schrute

will be running the branch.

So without further ado...

[Natalie Merchant's
Kind and Generouson recorder]

I would like to start saying
my goodbyes.

* For everything you've done *

* You know I'm bound *

* I'm bound to thank you
for it *

* Na na na na na na na *

(Pam)
Michael?

Um, maybe we should wait
for the official goodbye party.

Um...okay, fine.

But regarding the official
goodbye party,

open up the purse strings
on this one.

Pam, let's really, really
go to town.

No expense spared.

What do you say?
Real blowout?

Okay.

* I want to thank you *

Good night.

And good luck.

* The love and the honesty
that you gave me *

[music stops]

Who's ready to work?

You win or lose military
battles on the first day.

Vietnam, lost on the first day.

World War II, first day.

World War I, two days.
Special circumstances.

And that is what is at stake
for me.

On this first day,

I need to get the respect,
take control, establish myself.

The Battle of Dunder-Mifflin
has begun.

[car horn honks]

(Jim)
You know, every time
I come into New York,

I never have a good time.

It's too crowded,
it's too expensive.

But tonight was awesome.

Guess it's just
who you're with.

Yeah, we went
to The Spotted Pig

for dinner,
it's in the Village.

Uh, Karen knew it.

And then we second-acted
Spamalot.

That's when you sneak in
at intermission

with all the smokers.

And then we went to a bar
that used to be a church.

Oh, and at this one bar,
I swear I saw Lorne Michaels.

That wasn't him.

[mouthing]
Yes, it was.

So what's gonna happen
with us

when I get this job?

Oh, do you mean
when I get the job?

Well, ifyou get the job...

then I'd move here
with you.

Would you move with me?

I'm not stupid, okay?

I was at the beach.

We don't have a future
in Scranton.

There's
one too many people there.

You mean Kevin?

Exactly.

[laughs]

No, but you get it,
right?

We can't stay there.

Yeah.

I do.

Come on.

[exhales loudly]

How are you guys doing?
Need anything?

Uh, no, we're good.
Thanks.

I have been here
a bunch of times,

so I know where
everything is.

Know everybody's names.

If you need to know
somebody's name, just ask me.

Who's that?

That is Beardy.

Beardy?
Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna introduce myself.
No, no.

Just--that's not his real name.

That's just
what I call him, so...

I am by far
the most qualified person

they're interviewing.

Jim and Karen are here.

Which is cute.

They're like kid actors
tagging along with Daddy

on the big audition.

Hoping to be discovered.

Except Daddy
is the best actor around.

Daddy is Meryl Streep.

Michael is gone.

Hail to the chief!

My first order of business,

make Andrew Bernard
my number two.

My first order of business,
accept.

As if you had
a choice.

[scoffs]
Duh.

Opportunity of a lifetime.

[spits]

Three months ago,
I was nowhere.

I was just a Cornell grad
in anger management.

Look where I am now.

Not bad.

[laughs]

Hey, Hunter!

[accented]
What's up, my brother?

This is Hunter,
secretary extraordinaire.

Uh, administrative assistant.

Jan in yet?
I think she's coming in later.

Could you give her
a message for me

when she gets in?

Sure.

Just say,
"I want to squeeze them."

It's code.
She'll know what it means.

Okay.

Oh, and Hunter?

Could you tell her,
"Brr," also?

You showed
great leadership potential

at the coal walk.

Even if you did follow it

with that embarrassing
personal confession.

Thank you.

I had to make Andy
my number two.

It's political,
complicated.

You wouldn't understand.

I want you to be
assistant regional manager.

Really?

Well, in a sense.

Although publicly,
I am going to retain

the assistant regional manager
position.

You will be
your own assistant.

Correct, I need someone
I can trust.

But I would also like
the title

to be secretly applied to you.

Just stripped
of its pomp and frills.

Okay.

So you would be
the regional manager

and the assistant
regional manager.

Andy is your number two.

I would be the secret
assistant regional manager.

Mm, let's call it
secret assistant

to the regional manager.

Mm-hmm.

Do you accept?

Absolutely, I do.

I learned from Jim,

if Dwight ever asks you
if you accept something secret,

you reply,
"Absolutely, I do."

[phone beeps]

(Angela)
Hello?

[whispering]
Keep an eye on Pam.

Done.

Hello, hello!

Michael, good to see you.

Good to see you.
Have a seat.

Here are the post-merger
performance stats

that you asked for.
Great.

I've been meaning to thank you,
by the way.

You didn't lose a single
customer in the merger,

and you still managed
to trim the budget.

That is nice work.

So let me ask you a question
right off the bat.

What do you think
are your greatest strengths

as a manager?

Why don't I tell you what
my greatest weaknesses are?

I work too hard.

I care too much.

And sometimes I can be
too invested in my job.

Okay.

And your strengths?

Well, my weaknesses
are actually strengths.

Oh!
Yes, very good.

Thank you.

Very good.

Well, if Michael gets the job,
I will be so upset,

because Dwight used to
have a crush on me,

so if he's boss,
it'll be really awkward.

Mm-hmm.
But if Jim gets it,

you should be happy because
you have a crush on him,

and he totally
doesn't feel the same way,

and then he'll be gone.

Yeah, well, you know,
whatever happens...

Oh.

Pam, he's just
not that into you.

Oh, I know.

We talked about it,
and he told me.

No, seriously, Pam, wake up.

Okay.

Kelly made me
realize something.

She and I have
nothing in common.

And I need more friends.

Plus, I think we should
also employ

a team-based sales strategy.

That's what we're doing
in Scranton,

and that's why
our sales are up.

Tell me more about that.

Well, maybe you should
give me the job first.

That was just a taste.
[laughs]

I'm like a drug dealer
that way.

Where do you see yourself
in ten years?

Well...
[clears throat]

I've actually done a lot
of thinking about that.

And in ten years,

I am living in a big house
with my kids.

And in this house,
we have screens on the walls

that have famous art on them.

And I have a remote
that works everything,

that has, like,
a belt loop attachment.

Or in my ear, like a Bluetooth.

And because it's the future,

I can take
just a little tiny pill

and get all my vitamins
for the whole day.

A multivitamin?

I don't know
what it's gonna be called,

but my point is the future
of this company is now.

And the future is me.

How do you feel?

Tingly.

You're gonna do great.

How do I look?

Like Antonin Scalia.

[both breathe heavily]

[sighs]

Dwight is our new boss.

Oh, Michael's
not going anywhere.

Then who do you think
will get the job?

Karen.

She looks corporate.

Those little pantsuits.

I think
it's gonna be Michael.

Do you really think
he's qualified for that job?

No, but he wasn't qualified
for the job he has now,

and he got that one.

[laughing]
Yeah.

Maybe Jim will get the job.

No, it's going to be Karen.

Why don't you guys
listen to me?

I bet my friend
at the Albany branch

that Karen would get the job.

I bet him
a whole month's salary.

Oh, God.

I might have
a gambling problem.

Listen up!

Come to the center
of the room, please.

This
is a Schrute buck.

When you have done
something good,

you will receive
one Schrute buck.

1,000 Schrute bucks

equals an extra five minutes
for lunch.

What is the cash value
of a Schrute buck?

Excellent question, Pam.

1/100th of a cent.

So 10,000 of your dollars
is worth one real dollar?

Just zip your lid.

Schrute bucks are legal tender
anywhere in this office park.

They're fully backed by
the confidence our employees

have in this company and in me,
their leader.

I got the idea from our farm.

We had a small roadside
family store

which sold slightly
irregular beets and clothing.

The Schrute children were paid
an allowance in store credit.

We used it to buy
clothing and sundries.

The prices were terrible.

I still owe my great-aunt

thousands of
Schrute deutsche marks.

Ugh, she charged enormous
interest on the debt.

It was very hard to dig
ourselves out of that hole.

My cousin Heindl
could've been a great athlete.

But he bought a pair of
irregular footie pajamas

from the family store,
and his legs grew unevenly.

Now he can only run in broad
elliptical patterns.

When he would run for the bus,

he would have to aim
45 degrees to the right,

and the natural curve
of his warped leg path

would eventually guide him
to the door.

But no one needs to know
the history

to enjoy the motivational
aspects of the Schrute buck.

Another announcement.

Michael wasted
an enormous amount

of the group's time
and patience

with non-work-related
ethnic celebrations

and parades of soft-minded
do-good-edness.

No longer.

No more meetings.

Amen.

Instead, today I will begin
my first lecture

in a long series of lectures
designed to increase

your knowledge
on the world of paper.

Do we have to?

Yes.
Michael is gone.

There's a new sheriff here
in these offices.

And his name is me.

Conference room, ten seconds.

All of you!

I literally cannot wait
until I see

what Dwight has planned.

And I wish Jim were here.

What do you think
we could be doing better?

I've never been a big fan
of the name Dunder-Mifflin.

I was thinking we could
name the company

something like Paper Great,

where great paper's
our passion.

[as Tony the Tiger]
We're grrreat!

I don't know,
could be good.

Or, uh, Super Duper Paper.

It's super-duper.

I don't know,
something like that.

Okay.
Okay.

Thanks for coming in, Michael.
Thank you.

It is always a treat
when our paths cross.

It is always a treat
when ourpaths cross.

So--oh, before I forget,

I wanted to let you know--
if you hadn't already heard--

uh, Jan and I
are back together.

So I may need to fill out

one of those love documents
again.

You're back together.

Yes, and I am very excited
about the prospect

of working under her.
Or on top of her.

Mm, that's not sexual,
just--we're all professionals.

Okay, well.

Uh, I thought it was clear

in the description
of the position.

The job you're applying for
is Jan's job.

I don't understand.
So we're gonna tag team it?

No, we're letting Jan go.

Listen up.
Let's start from the ground up.

Where does paper come from?

(Dwight)
Trees.

And where do trees grow?

Forest.
Soil.

Right.

We have
in front of you here,

seven different types
of Pennsylvania topsoil.

Now, what would you say
is the most important element

in the production
of aboveground leafy growth?

Probably phosphorus,
right?

Wrong.

It's nitrogen.

Absorb this information.

Good.

Now, let us discuss
precipitation.

Stanley.

When rainfall occurs,

does it usually fall
in a liquid,

solid, or gaseous state?

Liquid.

Very good.

You have earned
one Schrute buck.

I don't want it.

Then you have been deducted
50 Schrute bucks.

Make it 100.

Well...

Don't you wanna earn
Schrute bucks?

No--in fact,
I'll give you a billion

Stanley nickels
if you never talk to me again.

What's the ratio of Stanley
nickels to Schrute bucks?

The same as the ratio
of unicorns to leprechauns.

Okay.
That's it!

Class is cancelled.
Everybody out.

No, wait!
What are you doing?

I'm punishing them.
No, no, no!

Class is not cancelled!

[everybody talking at once]

Hey!
Come on!

Let's listen
to Dwight's presentation.

What--what are you winking for?
Zip your lid!

How is the new boss?
Tough.

Do people respect him?
They have to.

Do they like him?
Irrelevant.

They do not.
And I hate them back.

Hey, Prent.

Jim-o!
How you doing, man?

I'm doing great.
How you doing?

All right, all right.
I haven't seen you since

you were at Stamford.
Yeah.

How'd the transition go?

It was great.
It went really well.

I actually might be working
here if I get the job.

I heard.

I'll put in
a good word for you.

Thank you.

Fantasy Football
is insane here.

Last year, I smashed a lamp
over a guy's head.

Wow.
Really?

No, I didn't do that.
I wouldn't do that.

But anyhow, it is intense.
It is intense.

Winner gets $10,000.

No way.

No, like, $500.

And you get, like,
a little crappy trophy,

but you're gonna have a great
interview, I know it,

and good luck, really.
Thank you.

I think I will have
a great interview.

I'm going in for it too.

I know you, I do!
Really?

Did we go to college together?

I kind of doubt it.
I think I'm younger than you.

No, it took me, like,
about 11 years to finish,

so it's still possible.

I--no--I would've--
Ms. Filippelli?

Mr. Wallace is ready for you.

Okay.

Good luck.
Thanks.

Yeah.

Listen, um, I really did
smash a lamp over a guy's head.

But it had nothing to do
with Fantasy Football,

but I just thought
you should know.

Pop quiz!

I'm gonna name
a type of refuse,

and you will tell me
whether it belongs in recycling

to be reused into newsprint,
compost to enrich the soil,

or regular trash.

Oscar.
Cardboard.

Recycling?
Yes, very good.

One Schrute buck.

Creed.
Bird's nest.

Why would you throw away
a perfectly good bird's nest?

Okay, my answer was compost,

but you bring up a good point.

We each get a Schrute buck.

Number three, Meredith.
Human skull.

Recycling.

Wrong, trick question.

Contact the authorities
and obtain a burial license.

No one wants to bury a skull.

You guys, seriously.
I got a lot of work to do--

Listen--number four--

For 20 minutes--
Guys!

Listen!
Listen!

Zip your lid, Pam.

No one likes a kiss-up.

Number four.
Okay, moving right along.

Phyllis.
Yogurt container.

Phyllis, yogurt container.

I take my duties
as secret assistant

to the regional manager
very seriously.

[copier whirring]

Creed.

This is about 2.1 million
Schrutey bucks.

I'll take the cash, please.

Where did you get these?
I earned them.

These are counterfeit.

I found them.
I'm turning them in.

What's the reward?

No reward.

Listen, Schrutey.

Either give me the 200 bucks

or I'll flood the market
with these babies,

making them
virtually worthless.

The thing I didn't realize
about being the boss is that

it's harder to pal around
with people the way I used to.

Quite honestly, I miss that.

And I think they must
miss the old Dwight,

based on how stupid and awful
they're being.

Dwight?

I just wanted to say
thank you.

You were very helpful earlier.

Here's a five-spot.

Wow, thanks.
A 20th of a penny.

Hey, it'll add up, you'll see.

Few years from now,
you'll be a very wealthy woman.

Oh, I already am, Dwight.

I already am.

So that's my basic
five-year plan.

And then after that,
who knows?

Okay.

And now, this may seem
like an odd question.

Yeah?
But...

What do you think
about Michael Scott?

He's a very nice man.
Mm-hmm.

And he's very well-suited
for the job he has now.

This is off the record.

He would be a disaster.

Hey, you!

Hey.

How was your interview?

Pretty good.
Yeah?

Could've gone better,
I guess.

Oh, well, I will put in
a good word for you.

Cool, maybe you should do it
sooner rather than later.

What?

Uh, let's just run away
together.

Let's run away
to Jamaica,

live in a bungalow.

You have some savings,
right?

You can pay off my debts.

It would be fine.

We'd have fun.

What's--
what's the matter?

W-what happened
in there?

I can't tell you.

Tell me what?

You son of a bitch.

Jan, this isn't the time--

You're firing me?

Where the hell
do you get off?

[sighs]

Frankly, it's overdue.

Your behavior
in the last two years

has been completely erratic.

Erratic?

Recently, you don't even show
an interest in your work!

You smoke constantly
in your office.

You spend most of the day
online shopping.

You disappear for hours
at a time, sometimes days,

always saying you're visiting
your sister in Scottsdale.

You go to Scranton far more
often than you need to--

Is it because of these?

Whoa, hey, whoa, Jan--

I wanna know--
I wanna know!

Because if it is, then--
then I will see you in court.

It's not, it's not.
No.

'Cause he likes them.
Okay?

He likes them, and that is--
that is all I care about.

The time has come
for you to end

your professional relationship
with this company.

You are clearly unstable.

Hey, you're unstable!

(Jan)
Yeah.

No.
We're all unstable.

Okay, you know what?
I'm just not leaving!

I'm not leaving.

(Jan)
Not leaving.

David,
I did not tell her.

(Andy) It's like I'm
staring into my soul

when I look
at this wall.

It's like outer space
without the stars.

It's so black.

This is gonna look
so awesome!

It's so intimidating.

Anyone who comes in here

is gonna have to take me
seriously.

Abandon all hope,
ye who enter here.

[laughter]
(Andy)
Totally.

Plus, I'm gonna hang up some
black light posters,

trick this place out.

A glow-in-the-dark
constellation on the ceiling.

Mini fridge, hot pot.
Oh, yeah.

You know what else?
What?

You should loft the desk.

[sighs]

[whispering]
Yes.

Now you're talking like
an assistant regional manager.

Yeah.

[both imitate explosion]

Bye, Hunter.

Bye.

[Jan exhales loudly]

Good luck with your band.

Oh, thank--
Don't let them change you.

Okay?

[clattering]

So long, [bleep].

So I am gonna give her
a ride home.

Let me know about the job.

Actually, Michael,

I think we're gonna take it
in another direction.

Good, I'm glad
we're on the same page.

I have a lot of ideas
for new directions.

No, we're not giving you
the job.

You know what?
That is actually good

because, um...

I don't think I could take
my girlfriend's job.

That's not being
a good boyfriend.

So I respectfully withdraw
my name from consideration.

Do you accept
my withdrawal?

I do.
Good, very good.

I am glad we are finally
on the same page.

Still have my job
in Scranton, though?

Yes.
Good.

It's all I ever wanted.

These two...

either one of them...

excellent candidates.

Wow.
[laughs]

That was some serious,
hardcore self-destruction.

Yeah.

Kinda feel bad
for her, though.

Don't.
She's nuts.

[laughter]

Oh, man.

You know what?
This might take a while.

You really don't have to stay,
if you don't want.

Okay, good, because
a bunch of my friends

are meeting downtown
for lunch,

and I was gonna meet them.

Okay.
So...

Just call me
when you're done.

Sure.

Good luck, Halpert.
Thank you.

[phone rings]

Dunder-Mifflin,
this is Grace.

Sure.

Oh, God!

I mean,
I just don't understand.

It's just so rude,
you know?
I know.

I mean, the absolute nerve
of that guy!

I am sorry about that.

Oh, just...
That was terrible.

No, actually,
I think it's good.

You know, it's fine, actually.
I-I do.

I really think
it's great that it happened,

because, you know,
my work has always been

the thing that's gotten in
the way of my happiness, so...

[laughs]
Yeah.

Well, it's...

[crying]

[high-pitched whining]
Oh...

No, don't cry.

It's gonna be okay.
Oh, I know, I know.

It's just--
I'm sorry.

It's just these painkillers

that I started taking
since the surgery.

Oh, they make my moods
totally unpredictable.

Wow.

[sighs]
What am I gonna do?

I don't know.

Well, I guess you could come
and stay at my condo.

I think I could back out
of the sale.

Probably get
some negative feedback

on my eBay profile.
Live together...

Actually, wait a minute.

This could be great.
This could be perfect.

You know, my full-time job
could be our relationship.

I could wear stretch pants
and wait for you

to come home at 5:15.
[laughs]

It could work, this could work!
Really.

[faint indistinct chatter]

[as The Terminator]
I'll be back.

And I am back.

How'd it go?

No.
No, Pam.

[as The Terminator]
I'm back.

For good.
Kevin Nealon.

Everybody, may I have
your attention please?

It is with great honor
and privilege

that I announce to you,
I have officially withdrawn

my name for consideration
from the corporate job.

I know, I know, I know.

"Michael,
what are you thinking?

You were a shoo-in."
Well, got down there.

I nailed the interview.

And the strangest thing
happened.

Why is my office black?

To intimidate
my subordinates.

That's stupid.

It was Andy's idea.

You shouldn't have taken it.

Bad management.

Good thing
[accent] I'm back.

Ryan, coffee.

I don't do
that stuff anymore.

No, it's for me,
bimbo.

Kids.

Michael, what happened?

Jan got fired.

And I realized that
I could not work for a company

that would fire
my girlfriend.

But more than that,

I realized that...
I couldn't take a job

that would take me away
from this place.

This is where I belong.
This is my home.

And home is where the hardest.

Home is where the heart is.

"Heart is."

That makes a lot more sense.

Do you think they'd help each
other like that at corporate?

I think not.

So I'm back.

And I am never, ever
going to leave.

I am going nowhere.

This place is like...

the hospital
where I was born,

my house,

my old age home,

and my graveyard
for my bones.

Did Karen get the job?

Back to work.

Still waiting
on that coffee.

They say you should take
two steps forward

and one step back.

Well, that's not what I did.

I took two steps forward,
I took one step back.

I took a step to the left,
I took a step to the right.

I took another step back.
I do-si-doed.

I did a little allemande.

I waltzed right up, and I was
standing right where I started.

Surprised?

I'm not.
Exactly what I planned.

I only held the job
for one day,

but I'm proud
of what I accomplished.

These people will never forget

that nitrogen is essential
for aboveground leafy growth.

[emotionally]
I did that.

Pam, hello.

Dwight, hello.

I wanted to thank you.

For helping me
when you held the title

of secret assistant
to the regional manager.

You served the office
with great dignity.

No, I don't know
what the future holds,

but I'm optimistic.

And, uh, I had fun goofing
around with Dwight today.

Jim and I
are just too similar.

Maybe one day
I'll find my own Karen.

But--you--that is a, um...

You know, not--

A man.

A man version.

But, uh, until then...

I can hold my head up.

I'm not gay.

Michael.
Hmm?

I didn't think I'd ever say
this, but I'm glad you're back.

[sighs deeply]
Mm-hmm.

Thank you,
Stanley the Manly.

You have no idea
how much that means to me.

(Michael)
They say that today
is the first day

of the rest of your life.

But when you think about it,

every day is a first day
of the rest of your life.

And that was never more true
than today.

I turned down a huge promotion.
Why?

For love.
And for Scranton.

I love Scranton.

A wiser man than I,
the great Sir William Joel,

once wrote something
that I think sums up

what Scranton is all about.

"We're all living here
in Allentown,

for the Pennsylvania
we never found."

Well, I found my Pennsylvania.

And you know what?
It's not in New York.

It's right here
in Scranton.

[inhales deeply]

And as for me and Jan,
well, we'll see.

We'll take it slow,
one day at a time.

Actually, she's moving
into my condo tomorrow, so...

[indistinct nagging]
(Michael)
That's gonna be a big day.

But after that,
we'll take it slow.

Who knows what mysteries
life has in store?

Mystery writers.

And even they don't know
the endings.

I don't know how I feel
about hiring a Sixers fan.

I should leave.

[laughter]

Now, let me ask you
a question, Jim.

You're clearly
a very bright guy.

Thanks.
Always hit your numbers.

Personable, you make
a great impression

on everyone you meet.
I'm sorry, wait.

So is the question
how'd I get to be so awesome?

[laughter]

I don't have
an answer for you.

Oh, uh, hey, do you have
your quarterly numbers?

Yes, absolutely.

And that, uh,
questionnaire?

Sorry to make you fill
that thing out.

Oh, no, absolutely.
Stupid HR formality.

We have this very irritating
HR guy here.

He's probably the only person
you're not gonna like.

Kendall.
Ugh.

So first up.

There you go.

How do you think
you'd function

here in New York?

What's that--oh, uh, great.
You know?

I just, um, I really appreciate
the buildings,

and, uh, the people.

And, um, there's just
an energy that New York has.

Mm-hmm.
Uh...

Not to mention, they have
places that are open past 8:00.

[laughter]
So that's a bonus.

You've been
in the Scranton branch

a long time.

What have you liked most
about that place?

The friendships.

Okay.

Well, we want the person
who takes this position

to be here
for the long haul.

So...long haul.

Where do you see yourself
in ten years?

How are your feet?

Medium rare.

Thanks.

The real reason
that I went to Stamford

was because
I wanted to be...

not here.

I know.

And even though
I came back...

I just feel like
I've never really come back.

Well, I wish you would.

[phone rings]

Dunder-Mifflin,
this is Pam.

Just one moment,
I'll transfer you.

(Pam)
I haven't heard anything.

But I bet Jim
got the job.

I mean, why wouldn't he?

He's totally qualified
and smart.

Everyone loves him.

And if he
never comes back again,

that's okay.

We're friends.

And I'm sure
we'll stay friends.

We just--we never got
the timing right.

You know?

I shot him down, and then
he did the same to me, and...

But you know what?
It's okay.

I am totally fine.

Everything
is gonna be totally--

Pam.
Sorry.

Um, are you free
for dinner tonight?

Yes.

All right.

Then it's a date.

I'm sorry,
what was the question?

So I know we left the other day
on a note of uncertainty,

but after some more thought,

I'm very pleased to be able
to offer you this job.

[laughs]
Great.

I'm so glad.

We're all very excited
you're gonna be joining us.

It'll be nice to have
another MBA around here.

I'm excited too.

Okay.

Bye.

Who was that?
Nobody.

You and I are done.

What?!