All language subtitles for Last Week Tonight with John Oliver - 13x14 - WEB-DL

Welcome to "Last Week Tonight"!

I'm John Oliver. Thank you so much
for joining us. It has been a busy week.

CBS News fired Scott Pelley for
the crime of being cool in a meeting,

the DOJ's investigating George Santos
for insider trading on Kalshi,

because of course,
and there was the headline,

"Masturbation Among
Birds is Natural,

and Should Not Be Punished,
Say Experts."

Which sounds like what
"Sesame Street"'s PR team would say

if Big Bird got caught
Jeffrey Toobin-ing on a work Zoom.

"Don't worry! It's natural for birds!
No punishment necessary!"

Meanwhile, Trump announced
he'd nominate Todd Blanche,

his former lawyer,
for attorney general,

a man whose impartiality
is probably best summed up

by these remarks he made after
being named acting AG last month.

I love working for President Trump.
It's the greatest honor of a lifetime.

And if President Trump
chooses to keep me as acting,

that's an honor, if he chooses
to nominate me, that's an honor,

if he chooses to nominate somebody
else and I go back to being the DAG,

that's an honor.

If he nominates somebody else
and asks me to go do something else,

I will say, "Thank you very
much, I love you, sir."

Jesus, Todd!

There is sucking up
and there's whatever that was.

It sounds like he's freestyling
a version of "Green Eggs and Ham"

about what he's willing to do
for the president.

"I'd kiss his ass on a boat,
I'd tickle his balls with a goat,

I love the president with my soul,
I yield to him my every hole."

This week also saw primaries take
place around the country.

Congressman Tom Kean Jr.
won in New Jersey

despite the fact he's "not been seen
in public for nearly three months,"

with his chief of staff
even saying mysteriously,

"There's no cameras
where Tom is."

Which is wild, given there are
cameras literally everywhere.

And if you don't believe me,
just ask the birds

who, despite being very natural
and private about it,

masturbated their way
onto the news.

But perhaps the craziest race this year
is for governor of Colorado.

For the Democrats, the leading
contenders are Colorado's AG,

and one of its senators.

But on the Republican side,
things are much wilder.

There are three candidates:

State Senator Barbara Kirkmeyer's
been painted as "the adult in the room",

which is striking,
given she once led an

"attempt to pursue secession
and form a 51st state."

But the other two candidates
are something else.

Take Scott Bottoms.
At this week's candidate debate,

he had this alarming exchange
with the moderator.

You said that you were deeply
honored to have the endorsement

of your good friend Joe Oltmann,
the MAGA podcaster

who has called for the execution
by hanging of Colorado's governor,

attorney general,
and secretary of state,

who he calls
"synagogue of Satan Jews".

If you're elected governor,

would Mr. Oltmann have a role
in your administration?

Assuming it's not around
Jewish people, probably.

Holy shit!

Look, "probably" is a fine answer
to questions like,

"Will the sun rise tomorrow?" or
"Has Mike Lindell ever fucked a pillow?"

But it is not ideal when
you've just been asked,

"If someone spewed antisemitic
rhetoric, would you still hire them?"

Then, there is Victor Marx,
self-described "high risk humanitarian"

who also claims to be "the world's
fastest gun disarmer"

and a "seventh degree black belt
in Cajun Karate Keichu",

something apparently
invented by his dad,

as a form of
"100% American Christian karate."

Over the years,
Marx has made some wild claims.

And when the journalist
who moderated that debate

sat down with him last week,
he addressed one of the big ones.

Your claim
that your abusive stepfather

forced you to kill a man
when you were seven years old.

Is that the only person
that you've ever killed?

Well… I would say,

as a child, yes.
Without question.

But I've been
in other situations where,

you know, possibly people
or persons died

as a result of me
defending myself in other countries.

Do you think that you've killed
people as an adult?

- Does it matter?
- Yeah, I'd say so.

Yeah, I think I'd say so, too.
I didn't think anyone needed to say,

"Our elected officials should
at least have a guesstimate

of how many people
they've killed",

but it seems
we're in a new era right now.

There's protein in the Pop-Tarts.
The rules are over.

And look, I'm not saying
a seventh degree black belt

in karate their dad made up
isn't capable of killing.

But it's not great that a potential
governor of Colorado has an aura

best described as "the final hour
of a true crime documentary."

And incredibly, that interview
got even wilder.

Because it turns out,
Marx also performs exorcisms,

or as he calls them,
"spiritual warfare",

and that reporter had some
understandable questions.

You command
the demons out of someone.

Can you explain to folks how that works,
so they can hear you describe it?

Well, I don't command the demons
to come out of someone,

I think of them as assignments,
or attachments to people.

And we identify the demon,
like Jesus did.

We ask what their name is,
and then we give them commands,

and they very frequently
and typically will answer,

through the person's mind.
They'll tell us what they hear.

And then we destroy them,

banish them to perfect judgement
from Christ.

You also perform
these exorcisms by phone.

- Are those just as effective?
- They are.

I'm sure! In fact,
I bet they're even more effective.

Because even for a demon,
I can't imagine a worse hell

than being stuck on the phone
with Yassified Billy Mays here.

Now, Marx was on the debate
stage this week,

and during which that reporter asked
him this truly incredible question.

You claim that you've been all around
the world, armed to the teeth,

rescuing women and children
from captivity,

that you've stopped human smugglers
at the Mexico border

and made them pay a price.

That you as a civilian
called in a U.S. military airstrike

that killed 70 ISIS fighters,

that you were the first American into
Gaza during the war with Israel,

that you've done 150 high-risk missions
and every one has been a success.

You told me last week
that it's all true,

and that you don't need
to prove it to anyone.

But you're talking to voters now.
How should voters decide

whether you've lived one of the most
extraordinary lives in human history

or whether
you're a liar and a fraud?

Spectacular!

That might be the first debate
in history won by the moderator.

And just look at his co-host there,
who must be thinking,

"Hey, I didn't know we were
allowed to be sassy bitches tonight!"

And if you are thinking
there's no answer

that could possibly be
stranger than that question,

I'm afraid you are wrong.

I can't help it if I've had
an extraordinary life.

I'm an ordinary fella.
And starting from my childhood

all the way to now, me standing up
on a stage running for governor.

Reagan, I said I was going
to talk about you, come sit.

This little dog, she's gonna go
bite you right now, Kyle.

She was in Syria and Iraq.
So, is she lying, too?

Incredible. That is a grand slam
answer to a home run question.

His brain is truly one of a kind.
Because who else on Earth

would hear the question,
"Are you a fraud?"

and even think to answer with,
"Are you calling my dog a liar?"

Also, I love how the dog is looking
straight into the camera there,

as if to say, "The Craigslist ad
said nothing about Syria."

That man is so weird! And he's
even weird by Colorado standards,

a state whose major airport features
gargoyles in suitcases

over the baggage claim area,

in order "to help ensure
the safe arrival of baggage",

whatever the fuck that means,
and outside has

this 32-foot blue mustang statue
with glowing red eyes.

Its nickname is "Blucifer" and fun
fact, while it was being finished,

a piece fell off and killed
the artist who made it.

And yet somehow, even in a state
that is home to luggage gargoyles

and a homicidal airport
horse demon,

the weirdest resident
is still this fucking guy!

Anyway, Colorado's primary
is on June 30th,

so there'll be more to say about it
in the coming weeks, or maybe not,

because I don't really know what
more there is to say

about a guy who's coy
about how many people he's killed

and offers dial-up exorcisms.

All I'm saying is that if you
are a Republican in Colorado,

I would strongly recommend
a write-in candidate for governor.

Because frankly, the most qualified
individual on that stage this week

was the one with four paws
and a "Jim from 'The Office'" stare.

And now, this.

And Now: Prom Season Has People
on TV Feeling Nostalgic.

Do you remember your prom,
who you took, what you wore?

- I remember all of it.
- You do? Okay.

- It was all right. It was okay.
- Good memories?

It's okay. It's high school.

- Good point.
- I'm glad to be past it.

Did you go to prom? Were you
allowed to say "prom" in your hometown

if there was a bunch of people
who didn't want you dancing?

My grandma still thought
I went to a "banquet".

- I went to three proms.
- Big baller.

I had a guy light "prom"
on fire for me. Yeah.

What? He burned the school down?
That's commitment.

No. It was rope with gasoline.
Not safe. Don't do it.

My senior year was
the year of Chumbawumba.

My prom
was "Welcome to the Jungle".

- What?
- Yeah, "Welcome to the Jungle".

Mine was "Wind Beneath Your
Wings". "Welcome to the Jungle"?

You look like you guys
had a good time.

What did you guys do after prom?
What was your after-prom?

So, we didn't go
to the after-prom party.

Full transparency,
I got a hotel room.

Okay.

Yeah, we had a party.

Let's just stop
the conversation right here.

Moving on. Our main story
tonight concerns college.

The setting of beloved
American works of art

like "Matt Damon Does Math",
"Dorks Do Sex Crimes"

and "I'm Sorry, Chevy Said What
to Who?"

Specifically, we're gonna talk
about New College of Florida,

a small, quirky, state-funded school
which used to promote itself like this.

The culture at New College is
as unique as our academic program.

There's really a strong sense
of camaraderie and community

amongst both the students,
the faculty, and the staff.

I've never been to a place
where everybody just had

such, you know,
good intentions for each other.

It's a very inclusive community,
and it's full of unique people,

both the faculty,
staff and students.

We're all pretty unique
in our own right,

and so it's nice for us all to live
and work together

in this one-of-a-kind community.

Yeah, it seems nice, doesn't it?
I'll be honest,

I could've done without the multiple
barefoot students in class,

but that is just me.

I'm gonna say something Quentin
Tarantino's never uttered in his life:

for the love of God,
put some shoes on.

Bare feet are something you should
only show your partner, your doctor

and your hundred of followers
on OnlyFans.

You want the piggies?
You pay the price.

If you think, "Why are you talking
about a tiny college in Florida?"

Well, a few years ago, it was
actually national news.

Florida governor Ron DeSantis is
transforming a liberal arts school

into a conservative institution.

The campus now at the center
of a conservative takeover

after DeSantis appointed six political
allies to its board of trustees.

It's another bold move
and I'm cheering it on.

Florida's Governor DeSantis
has launched the takeover,

I call it "the hostile takeover",

of a college known
for its ultra-progressive policies.

Okay,
can I be vulnerable for a minute?

Do I sound like that?

I know some people can't distinguish
one British accent from another,

but please tell me
I don't sound like that.

That is the accent of a man
who just spit on an orphan.

He sounds like someone

who just threw a kid's wooden leg
on a fire to keep warm.

But anyway, what happened was,
back when Ron DeSantis

still thought he had a shot at being
president, he made a lot of noise

about how he was going
to de-wokify New College,

despite admitting
he didn't know much about it.

You know, when I became governor,

I remember the speaker of the House
at the time came to me and said,

"We need to talk about New College."
I didn't know what it was.

I was like, "We need a new college?
We have enough colleges in Florida."

He's like, "No, no, no.
New College in Sarasota."

He's like, "I want to shut it down.
It's communist", all this stuff.

I'm like, what? Let me see.

If you want to go be on some
like Marxist commune,

if that's what you want to do with
your life, look, who am I to say,

but I don't want the taxpayers
of Florida funding that.

That's just not the way it goes, so.

Okay, so there is a lot there,
but I have to say

that, of the many, many stereotypes
people have of Florida,

I don't think anyone would describe
it as "a place with too many colleges".

I say this with medium respect
to the state,

it's known for having
too many lots of things:

too many gators, too many
swamps, too many fist-sized bugs

and exactly
one too many Rons DeSantii,

but no one is ever gonna reasonably
accuse Florida of excessive academia.

Nevertheless, DeSantis decided
to make a big show

out of picking a fight with New College
by literally taking it over.

He appointed six new board members
who were political allies,

including Chris Rufo, the conservative
activist, who then tweeted,

"We are now over the walls and ready to
transform higher education from within."

If Rufo is at all familiar to you, it may
be because we've talked about him

in our shows on critical race theory
and trans rights.

And quick spoiler: he wasn't
exactly the hero of those stories!

He was more like a cartoon
super villain

if they dressed
exclusively in Land's End

and looked like the picture
on a megachurch's website

paired with a post titled:
"How I Turned My Hands to God

After Spending Years
Masturbating Eight Times a Day."

Rufo is constantly sounding the alarm

over the woke indoctrination
of young people.

But being appointed
as a trustee at New College

actually represented
something new for him,

a chance to put his ideas
into practice.

And as he explained at the time,
his goal was nothing less

than to offer a blueprint for what
conservatives could then do

for education nationwide.

This has really never been done before.

Conservatives have been ceding
territory institutionally

decade after decade
for the past half century.

And never once have they said,

we're gonna actually go
and retake an institution.

We're actually gonna go
and recapture a university.

It starts with this hostile takeover
of the New College of Florida

and on the beaches of Sarasota.

And if we are to be successful,
I think that we're gonna create

a model for red state governors
all over the country.

That is pretty aggressive,

and while I don't want
to give any pointers to Rufo,

why would you choose that picture
to represent your enemy?

I don't want to take that over,

if anything I just want to ask
if they need one more for hacky sack.

That might be the most beautiful
place I have ever seen.

It's the first image I've encountered
that makes me want to go to Florida,

and I mean ever.

Now, that was three years ago.
And a lot's happened since then.

Ron DeSantis, you may have noticed,
did not become president,

but this guy did.

And his administration is now
trying to carry out

a similar anti-woke agenda
throughout higher ed,

with Chris Rufo very much
cheering them on.

So, given all that,
we thought tonight,

it might be worth checking in
on New College

to see what exactly happened
when a bunch of anti-woke crusaders

were given free rein
and nearly unlimited resources

to build a school on their own terms.

I'll give you a hint:
it's not going great.

Before we talk about what
New College has become,

a quick mention
of what it once was.

It was founded in the 1960s

to be a college
with "complete freedom of inquiry",

a place where no grades
would be given,

and where they focused
on independent study,

with each student working closely
together with their professors.

And over time,
even as it became

part of Florida's publicly
funded higher ed system,

it gained a reputation
for being LGBTQ-friendly,

with an exceptionally personalized
approach to education.

Students are allowed
to propose their own classes

and find someone who's willing
to sort of help them out with it.

And then we sort
of journey together.

You can invent anything
you want to study.

Ultimately, I could take
whatever classes I want.

I could make up classes.
I could make up my own major.

I got to shadow a doctor
as an undergraduate.

I've been very happy to have
a lot of students interested

in kind of somewhat
esoteric chemistry topics

that, you know, I'm totally
willing to explore with them.

Yeah, I bet you are.

In fact, there are exactly three things
I'm sure of in this world:

one, death comes for all of us,
two, Stephen Miller cries when he cums,

and three, this man is totally
willing to explore

esoteric chemistry
topics with you.

In case it wasn't obvious already,
New College was a school

for, and I say this with love,
nerds and dorks.

Its whole deal
is perhaps best summed up

by the fact that, years ago,
when students were unable

to agree on a college mascot,
as a placeholder,

the school constitution wrote
in a set of empty brackets,

to be replaced when a new
mascot was ultimately chosen.

But students then made
those brackets their mascot,

and from then on, the mathematical
term for brackets, the null set,

served as New College's mascot.

Which might be the single
dorkiest thing I have ever heard.

Typically, a mascot is adorable
or terrifying or horny

or a healthy combination
of all three.

But no, not for this college full
of Sheldons. They went another way.

While the whole
"design your own curriculum,

we don't give out grades" approach
might make you roll your eyes,

you should know that the results
were pretty impressive.

A report from 2018 showed that
80% of New College's graduates

attended grad school within
five years of graduation

and the school ranked third
in the nation

among all public
and private universities

in producing graduates
who earned doctoral degrees.

Which is not to say
it didn't also have problems.

Like many small
liberal arts colleges,

it suffered from years of declining
enrollment, which, in turn,

led to increasing disinvestment
from the Florida state legislature.

Though when DeSantis
took over the school in 2023,

there were already signs
that it was on an upswing.

A recently appointed president
had helped recruit

the largest entering class
since 2016,

and many students and faculty
were feeling optimistic.

Which is what makes it so galling

that, at Chris Rufo's first big
address to the college community,

he seemed to go out of his way

to tell them just how much
their school sucked.

Every person, with one exception,
that I've talked to behind closed doors

says New College
has a culture problem.

And even the consultants
that the university has hired,

they said that New College
has become an echo chamber.

When they did a study, these
consultants hired by the college,

they said that the three words,

the three phrases that most
describe the culture here,

quote, "politically correct,
druggies, weirdos."

The vast majority of you,
90, 95%, roughly,

agree with me that there
are significant problems here.

No.
You're the problem.

Look, I don't think Rufo will ever
experience real justice,

but there is something satisfying
about him having to sit there

as a crowd tells him
he is the problem

while he waves a sweaty
piece of paper saying,

"According to this study,
you agree with me."

And about that "druggies
and weirdos" thing,

as is so often the case with Rufo,
he's taking a real thing

and exaggerating it
without key context.

Because it is true that there was
a report by consultants

that polled accepted applicants
on perceptions of New College.

And in one subsection,

it "tested perceptions about
the social culture at the school."

But it only gave people six
phrases to choose from

and made a point of saying,
"Potentially negative associations

with the college
were intentionally included."

And I would argue five of the six
options were pretty negative,

given, as you can see,
the remaining three were

"crunchy granola," "slackers"

and, at a school with zero fraternities
or sororities, "Greeks".

It's like me announcing
that polls show

the celebrity I look most like
is Remy the rat

and then revealing the only
other option was The Rock.

I mean, sure, on a scale
of "rat to Rock",

I lean hard in one direction,

but it was a pretty unfair
question from the start.

Also, elsewhere in that report,

far higher percentages described
the school with terms

like "excellent faculty", "personal
attention" and "rigorous courses".

Despite all that, Rufo and the other
trustees set about making big changes.

One of the biggest was bringing in
a new president, Richard Corcoran,

a former speaker
of the Florida House.

And as you would expect for a man
holding a hammer that comically large,

right from the start,
he took some big, dumb swings.

You have requested two million state
dollars for a cancel culture center.

We requested 2 million
for a cancel cancel culture center.

- Why?
- Because it needs to happen.

We need a nationwide beacon
that says, this is how you do it.

We're gonna have great debates
out here on the yard.

Liberals, conservatives, come, let the
students be exposed to every aspect.

Okay, first, calling it a "cancel
cancel culture center" is pathetic.

It sounds like the headquarters
of a cult founded by Russell Brand,

which is barely even a joke,
given that he was invited

to be a guest speaker at New College,

on the topic of
"thinking without permission",

a bold sequence of words given
his, you know, everything.

Fun fact, by the way, his appearance
at the "cancel cancel culture" school

is currently "postponed".

But Corcoran quickly made it clear

that he was determined
to change New College's culture,

including by convincing the board
to change its mascot

from the null set to this,
"the mighty banyan tree".

I admit: if you wanted the spiritual
opposite of a set of brackets,

this steroid tree would be it.

It looks like Groot if he Hulked.

It looks like the trees
from "Wizard of Oz"

if they guzzled creatine and got
really into the manosphere.

If Samantha from "Sex and the City"
saw that tree she'd say,

"Shiver me timbers,
talk about some hardwood.

I'd let him split me open
and count my NuvaRing.

Girls, that tree
would make a fabulous fuck."

But the mascot change
was just the beginning.

For all Corcoran's rhetoric

about building a school that
would engage in great debates,

certain sides
were deliberately purged.

For instance, the school got rid
of its gender studies program,

with Rufo bragging they'd gotten rid of
"a 'massive' and 'radical' department

that indoctrinates students",
despite the fact that, in reality,

it had a budget of just 7,000 dollars
for programs and expenses,

and a part-time office manager.

And when the students
were away on break,

the school cleared out
the Gender and Diversity Center,

which was basically just a lounge with
couches and "a student-curated library"

and threw all the books away.

Rufo even gleefully retweeted
coverage of that, saying,

"We abolished the gender studies
program. Now we're throwing the trash."

Setting aside that one of those books
is a book of fucking puzzles,

I don't even want to say
what I need to say right now.

So, I'm not gonna say it.
That said, and remember,

I am not saying this, but:
say what you will about,

here it comes, the Nazis but,
stick with me, credit where it's due,

when the Nazis went after books,
they went big.

They didn't "wait for the students
to be on break."

At least the Nazis, I hear it too,
were bold.

And as all this was happening,

many professors were being fired,
quitting, or taking leave.

In fact, just months
into the takeover,

more than a third of New College's
faculty had left for part

or all of the upcoming academic year.

And what that meant was,
some students were suddenly left

without teachers or advisors
for their majors,

which, as this mother of one student
majoring in marine biology explains,

put them in a tough spot.

She logged in to see her classes
and her classes were all gone.

There was not one class for marine
bio that was being offered.

And she called the school
and the response was,

"We don't have the teachers on staff
to teach those classes anymore,

so just go pick something else."
And she was like, what?

Yeah, that's not great, is it?

Because it's not like anything
else is kind of like marine biology.

No one who wants to dedicate their life
to studying the dark pits

where we keep our worst
and weirdest freaks

will be content
studying anything else.

What are they supposed to do instead?
Study literature?

You think a student could be
wowed by reading "Moby Dick"

after they've already seen
literal hell?

Or math? You are telling me someone
could get wet for numbers

after they've seen
the angel that killed God?

No way! These kids have been
"Event Horizon"-ed,

they need two things:
a marine biology teacher

and to be left alone forever.

So far, I've focused on the things
that have been destroyed.

But it is also worth looking
at what has been built,

because to hear Rufo tell it,

all of this was just to reorient
New College toward a simple goal.

We're getting the college back to
basics, to the classical liberal arts

and I'm certainly
not gonna apologize for that.

Okay, Chris, then don't apologize!
I'd maybe consider apologizing

for going on TV looking like a Keebler
elf graduated from Wharton,

but hold strong on everything else,
you're doing great!

The thing is, though,
that "classical liberal arts" education

seems so far to involve a heavy dose
of culture war bullshit.

For instance, Corcoran brought in
"presidential scholars in residence,"

which included controversial
figures like Bruce Gilley,

author of the book
"The Case for Colonialism",

which argues that European
colonialism was actually a good thing,

huge for me, if true,
and has also written

that, for Africans, "being enslaved
under the British empire

was about as good as it got."
Which is a big old "yikes!"

The college also started something
called "Socratic Stage Dialogue Series",

which it says seeks

"to advance free speech, civil
discourse, and fearless dialogue."

But it seems pretty clear which ideas
they want to promote,

given that, while they've had
the occasional speaker like Bill Nye,

they've generally skewed
strongly rightward

and have included the likes
of Ron DeSantis, Tom Homan

and Alan Dershowitz,
who, fun fact,

actually spoke
at their commencement, too.

And it is a bold choice to go with
a speaker so tied to Jeffrey Epstein,

you could mistake him for a noose.

Meanwhile, there have been some
questionable administrative hires.

At one point, they hired a guy
who'd worked as a spokesperson

for DeSantis and Corcoran as
the school's communications director.

He'd already been embroiled
in a political sexting scandal.

And then, soon after he was hired,
he was arrested for indecent exposure,

which he blamed
on medications he was taking.

But the thing is, if they'd done their
homework properly before hiring him,

they'd have learned that it was
by no means a one-off incident.

Fred Piccolo has three separate
cases open in Sarasota County.

The first incident allegedly
happened back in August.

An affidavit says he went
into a dressing room

at the Banana Republic
in University Town Hall

and stood with his pants down
and shirt off

in front of the store's
assistant manager.

A week and a half later, another
person reported Piccolo to police

for doing the same thing
in a Dillard's dressing room.

And one day after that,
he's accused of doing the same thing

to a different person
at that same Dillard's.

Yeah, not great! And listen,
I think we all know,

malls have been struggling
for a while now.

Department stores like Dillard's
especially need support.

But if they want to get their name
back in the national conversation,

might I suggest changing
their slogan

from "Dillard's:
the style of your life"

to "Dillard's: please don't
whip out your dick here."

It might be just the viral
marketing splash that they need.

But hey, I'm just spitballing here.

It's not like I'm the head
of marketing somewhere,

and it turns out now
neither is he.

Now, as for dean of students,
they hired David Rancourt,

a Florida lobbyist with no relevant
experience in higher education.

The most noteworthy thing
he's done since then

was participate in a school
stand-up comedy night.

Here is just a taste of his set,
and I'll spare you the full setup,

just know it involves him
at age seven,

and a girl the same age called Susie,
who was always showing off

that she had more than he did,
until one day, this happened.

I said, "Susie, I want
to show you something."

Whip down my pants.
I pull out that little pecker,

and I said, "This is called a penis.
I got one, you don't have one."

She kind of looks at me, doesn't
say anything, we go to school.

Everything's good.
Next morning, I get up.

I walk on down to the school bus
stop, feeling really good about myself.

And I see that little bitch, she's got
a big old grin on her face.

Big old grin on her face,

and I go, "All right, Susie.
What you got?"

She looks at me, smiles,
lifts up her skirt, and says,

"David, my mama says,
I got one of these,

I can have
as many of those as I want!"

Yeah, so, quick stand-up tip:
maybe don't tell a story

in which you show a child your dick
and call her a "little bitch".

Not only does it make you sound
like a raging pervert,

it also sounds like you stole it
from a joke book

your grandpa kept
in his bathroom called

"Uncle Dick's Filthy, Fart-Stravaganza
of Dirty Jokes and Toilet Giggles!"

Now, I should say, when asked
for comment on that routine,

a New College spokesperson said,

"Cancel culture is over at New College.
Comedy is a work of art."

Which, I'll be honest, is what a lot
of comedians say right after they bomb.

And remember, he was
the fucking dean of students!

Although, to be fair,
he is not in that job anymore.

But that's only because
he's been promoted to vice provost.

Still, I will give the new
administration credit for one thing,

they did actually manage
to increase enrollment.

They proudly announced a new
incoming class of 328 students

for the first full academic year
of Corcoran's tenure.

But there is a big asterisk
on that number.

Because former admissions office
employees have claimed

the school boosted enrollment
by sharply lowering standards.

One recalled a colleague
showing him

"an admissions essay that
was a screenshot of cellphone notes,

riddled with incorrect
spelling and grammar."

And apparently, that person
went on to be accepted.

And to be clear,
when recruiting,

New College was apparently selecting
for a very specific type of student,

as this video
from Chris Rufo makes clear.

In a single academic term,
President Corcoran has engineered

the beginnings
of an incredible turnaround.

He's also begun the work
of changing the culture,

hiring a new slate
of all-star faculty,

and recruiting a new cohort
of mostly male student-athletes,

who'll begin to rebalance the hormones
and the politics on campus.

So there is a lot to unpack there,

but let's start with the phrase
"rebalancing the hormones."

Because unless you are a doctor,
a nurse,

or a woman whose TikTok algorithm
is telling her she's perimenopausal,

you do not need to be discussing
"rebalancing hormones".

But Rufo's openly said he wants to
change New College's gender makeup.

Apparently, before the takeover,
two-thirds of its students were women

and he's said that that was
a "wildly out-of-balance population"

that "caused
all sorts of cultural problems."

By the fall of Corcoran's
first full academic year,

the school increased male enrollment
by more than 23 percentage points.

And as that video suggested,
the way they did that

was by recruiting
a fuck-ton of male athletes.

Of those 328 new students,
115 were student-athletes,

with 70 enrolled for baseball alone.
They recruited 70 baseball players.

I want to make absolutely sure
you are hearing me here:

70 baseball players!
That is multiple dozen too many.

For context,
the University of Florida,

which has a student body
60 times New College's size,

had only 37 student-athletes
on its baseball team that year.

And it gets even more ridiculous
when you learn that they recruited,

again, 70 baseball players
to a school that, at that point,

had no intercollegiate athletics program
and didn't even have a baseball field!

So, they were just bringing in
ballplayers and expecting one

to magically appear like some
kind of reverse "Field of Dreams".

And while it is not important,
I do still need you to know

that of those initial recruits, fully
12 of them were listed as catchers,

with seven first basemen.

And the school made a point

of prioritizing those athletes over
returning students, like this one.

Marshall Bustamante will start his
fourth and final year at New College,

but even before the semester begins,
he's learning senior stripes

no longer guarantees you
first choice at senior digs.

So, who took over your room?

Well, I mean, the administration
removed me from my room

so that athletes could be there.

That's bullshit, though, isn't it?

Senior housing is one of the only
good things about being a senior.

You shouldn't have to worry
about losing decent housing

in an insanely competitive
and cutthroat marketplace,

that is for, as we all know,
the rest of your life.

And if you're wondering
why baseball players

would even want to come to
a school without a baseball field,

New College made it
worth their while,

because despite scoring worse on
average than other applicants,

incoming student-athletes earned
a disproportionate number, around half,

of the school's new 10,000 dollars
per-year merit-based scholarships.

Scholarships, by the way, that were
paid for out of an extra 15 million

that DeSantis got for New College
from the state legislature.

And if you are thinking
that's an awful lot of money to spend

just to "rebalance the hormones"
of a small school, you're right!

But then, money has seemingly
been no object

when it comes to this project.

In fact, a state audit last year
found that the public cost

to produce a degree at New College
had swelled in 2024

to nearly 500,000 dollars,

dwarfing what has been spent per
student at any other public university.

In fact, here is the chart
from that report, showing by how much

New College is outspending
all the other state's schools.

While Corcoran dismissed that report,
saying it compares apples to oranges,

and simply reflects a one-time
investment to improve infrastructure

after years of deferred maintenance,
it is worth noting

that no new dormitories
or other major projects

have broken ground
since his appointment,

including that
"cancel cancel culture center".

But at the same time,
administrative costs have ballooned,

with one major expenditure
being Corcoran's own salary.

Because when you include
perks and bonuses,

he has the highest
per-student salary

of any president
in Florida's university system,

worth more
than a million dollars a year.

All of which makes it more
than a little infuriating

that, when he took the stage
at that stand-up comedy night,

this is how he opened his set.

Thank you. I'm actually
the president of New College,

and you've got to… yeah, yeah.

The job doesn't really pay well,
but it's a good job.

Okay if, gun to my head, I had to say
something positive about that:

he did manage not to talk about
flashing a seven-year-old girl,

and I now know
that's not nothing.

Look, in case it's not clear by now,

the whole New College experiment
has been a complete shit show.

In researching this piece,
we talked to so many students.

And one big takeaway was that,
while they're grateful

that some of the old faculty have tried
to stick around and help them,

the school's administration seems
to care much more

about political posturing than
it does about their actual lives.

And it is not like
no one saw this coming.

Listen to this student, interviewed
not long after the takeover,

outlining what she could see
happening right in front of her.

It feels like New College has become
a political playground

to try out what these people
want the country to be.

I'm upset. This is my education.

Exactly! She's right.
She and everyone else at that school

deserve for their education
to not be co-opted

by a bunch of dipshits doing
political theater for their own gain.

As we all know, the only theater
done in college should look like this.

That is me. In college.
Doing theater.

Yeah, I waited this whole episode
to show you that.

And I only showed it to you
because I lost a bet.

And it is infuriating
that a key leader of all of this

has seemingly abandoned his post.

Because Chris Rufo, despite claiming
he was gonna reinvent education,

left the board of trustees this year,
only to be replaced

by former football coach
turned broadcaster, Urban Meyer,

which sure,
at this point, fuck it, why not?

Meanwhile, Corcoran is still there,
and has insisted

that his makeover's outcomes cannot
be reasonably measured until 2028,

which, you'll never guess, happens
to be when his contract expires.

The stated mission of those
behind the takeover of New College

wasn't just
to recapture an institution,

but to provide a model
for red states to then replicate.

But if this is that model,
it fucking sucks.

It is possible to create a college
that instills conservative values,

there are plenty of places
that've done that, slowly,

over a long period of time.

I don't want to go to any of them,
but I at least recognize

that they took real work to build.
But this? This is pathetic.

And depressingly, it is the exact
sort of smash-and-grab

we're seeing
in so many places right now,

from public health to newspapers
to broadcast news, ideologues,

capturing something that they hate,
claiming that they want to fix it

and then destroying it instead.

But seldom has that move
been more blatant

than watching people talk about "great
debates" and "classical education",

only to then drive away faculty,
refer to books as trash,

and assemble a veritable Avengers
of D-list conservative celebrities,

creeps, and weirdos,

so that they can lecture the world's
single largest baseball team.

That they have destroyed
a rare haven for gentle nerds,

and all they've really given us
in return

is one admittedly
very fuckable tree.

Girls, call me a woodpecker,
because I'd tap that trunk! Cheers!

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